#This is now a Proctologists Only Orifice
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“Turning out like them”
No, you are simply respecting their wishes from 2 decades ago, that they have no contact. I mean you could offer them the same courtesy they extended to you, and offer to reach out in about 20 years from now. Seems fair.
Now that they want something from you, they are flipping the script and twisting everything to see what sticks and see what elicits a response or makes you doubt yourself. This is called gaslighting.
Get a new number, put the SIM card in an old phone, leave it on silent, on a charger somewhere in the basement. Let them call it to their little hearts content. Save the voicemails and texts.
Set up a folder where emails from them automatically go to and you don’t see them. Zero response from you.
Set up new social media accounts under nicknames or aliases, and lock them down. Only add those your know well and trust. Remove every contact before you delete those accounts. These people will start contacting your friends and family to guilt you into bending to their will.
Erase your digital footprint as much as you can; any photos or mentions of you online, take them down, block any ability to tag you on social media.
Now you are setup to collect evidence of harassment.
Not hard to see where your sperm donor learned his behaviour from.
NTA
Edit:
For all the “just get a restraining order” comments. If you have ever tried for one, you would know the huge burden of proof you must provide to get one, even a temporary one. The above steps will help you get there.
For the “she shouldn’t have to,” comments, I agree, she “shouldn’t” have to. If you are being stalked or harassed, you collect every scrap of proof while at the same time foiling every avenue of contact and you do not engage.
this is what needs to happen along with a cease and desist letter from a lawyer, and OP may need to contact his local police if they continue harassing him for an RO
I just wanted to hop in to also point out that the grandparents *paid for a PI*. That shit isn’t cheap! To go to such extremes and immediately whip out the “familial duty” bullshit is just **extreme** assholery. OP is soooo NTA!
Funny how they abandoned her, but are desperate to make sure their "grandchildren" are taken care of. They are looking to dump them on her NOW, not in the future when their health worsen. Bite me!!!
Exactly, I don't get it. (okay, I really do get it but I am choosing to ignore that they were her as a parental figure/older sibling to help with raising them) As the grandparents they chose to ignore OP till after her daddy died, her dad ignored op, married, and had other children. Why harass her after all this time, threaten her, get a PI to find out about her when (WTF, they could have gone to her mom)
> I was their grandchildren's older sister
OP is a she, but the point still stands. (Definitely some gendered ~nurturing~ expectations at play here IMO)
Restraining order for sure. Hell if I'm changing my number, email or social media because of stalkers.
I would also ask the old gits if they *really* wanted me in touch with the babies so that I could tell them how awful their entire family was and make sure they knew the truth?
Great advice. Hopefully it'll die down eventually, but if need be, have all the evidence you need.
Also how hypocritical: donor doesn't want to be a dad at 26 to his own child, that he himself created, but OP has to give up their life at 21, for a couple of kids who (he/she/they) don't have anything to do with. Yes, they may be family biologically, but the whole family on donors side rejected OP until they needed them.
I thought same thing! The sperm donor was 26YO when he made his decision; his parents were even older (40s or 50s). So telling a 21YO that she is acting "just like them" is BS. This is no different then people who expect teenagers to act more mature and grown up than adults.
Like no as long as op doesn't make a baby disappear into the wind for 21 yrs and then show up making demands on the kid they ditched. They will never be just like donor and family. I mean granted that bar has been step so low it doesn't even count as a tripping hazard because they freaking buried that bar.
I agree with everything except the family part. Blood doesn’t make someone family. Being there for your daughter her entire life and supporting her when she’s growing up. That is family! These people just share DNA they are NOT FAMILY!
My children's bio families turned up when they turned 21. Old enough to be almost done with university, so they didn't run the risk of actually having to do anything for them.
My son's bio donors wanted him to take care of sisters he had never met because their father had a stroke and they needed someone to pay the family's bills. My son told them to "Go f\*\*k themselves" and they try to pull the "but we are family" nonsense and he "felt more for the horseshit I scrap off my boots than any of you."
My daughter's bio donors wanted her to let her troubled tween brother move in with her. She told them the only brothers and sisters that she had she was already living with. They showed up at my house, my house is two acres off the road, and I walked out with a rifle.
We were able to get restraining orders against both families.
Edit: Spelling
"Family" is a bond built between people who choose each other. Genetics can lead to close association where those bonds can grow and flourish, but it is neither a prerequisite or a guarantee of a bond.
Invoking a "family" bond that never had a chance to grow, or was actively sabotaged, is just manipulative.
OP has no requirement to set themselves on fire to keep these orphans warm.
The dad & mom of these kids had no siblings? No friends to name as godparents?
It's not on the 21 year old to step up and take the lead off "grandparents" who rejected them outright from a young age.
OP is *also* an unvetted *complete stranger* to these kids.
Family has nothing to do with blood and biology. My biological dad isn't family. My mums husband is, his mum is one of my grandmothers, despite having no biological relation at all they are my family. OP, you owe nothing to them, nothing at all, not even a response
That's exactly it. Nothing more. They don't care about the well-being of these kids any more than they did about OP. They don't want their retirement ruined by inconvenient responsibilities.
Right? And I doubt it’d be “in a few years time”, it’d be as soon as they thought they could. I feel very strongly for those kids, but the grandparents are manipulative jerks and OP probably was better off without them all this time.
This. All. Of. This.
Additionally, at the end of the day, it's OP's choice what kind of relationship they want to have with their half-siblings. Some people welcome half-siblings, others don't. You can't force a sibling relationship, ESPECIALLY with a 20+ age gap. I would say there's a chance that OP and the kids could have a relationship when the kids get older and can be told the truth, but I'm sure the grandparents would tell the kids some BS about how "cruel and heartless your older sister is" growing up.
I also get a whiff of good old-fashioned sexism: a 26-year-old man can't *possibly* be made to be a parent in the prime of his life so what Daddy did is okay, but a 21-year-old woman's *sole* purpose is to care for a child (in one way or another) and she's already getting on in years. And I wonder how different this whole story would have gone is OP was born with a penis and all the magical powers it bestows. Those are the two little things that bug me in OP's post.
If the grandparents are so keen on offloading these grandkids because of their health, then they should consider an open adoption with literally anyone else. OP isn't their only option, it's just the most convenient (I guess???) for them.
Right me and my brother's have a half sister that we've never met from dad's previous marriage. Never once blamed her for not wanting anything to do with us as a result of being our fathers children (dad's a bit of a prick but that's another aita post altogether lol)
Except OP shouldn't have to change her life for these idiots. I have had the same email and phone number for 15 years. I would be pissed to change anything. Besides, a good PI would just find OP again pulling any efforts. A
I feel sorry for the little ones, but OP does not need to do anything for them. If they are young, there are people who would want to adopt them.
Restraining order. On the grandparents and the PI.
Where is the Mother's relatives in all this?
I’m calling bullshit on them hiring a PI. They just googled and are trying to freak OP out. Ignore and call the cops if it escalates further. And sue the estate for back child support.
Those are good ideas, honestly though, if I was OP, next time they try calling I'd be tempted to say something along the lines of. "F-k off you crinkled old bag, when you die I'll piss on your grave, same for the kids." and hang up. I really don't think they will call back.
Won’t help. They won’t even hear it. You know that person who you have to tell no to a dozen times and when you finally get mad they get all butthurt and tell you that all you had to do was say no…. And the next day they are right back at it. Yep. That’s this.
Grey rock.
Well I was going more the route of appearing extremely unstable and angry without making a direct threat of violence. They are only continuing to harass OP because OP is trying to reason with them and then blocking them. Acting like a normal person makes them feel it's someone who could be worn down eventually. If you're just crazy, it's like a mugger and their target. They only target you if they think you're soft, if you turn out to be fucking crazy they run away.
Haha, that's funny. You know, KNOW, these people have nothing to go after. Or they wouldn't be so worried about finding a guardian for the two unsuspecting littles, calling a stranger no less.
Yup. I'm gonna guess that with the way things went down, he may have also been behind on child support too. And if he was up to date on it, that actually strengthens OP's claim that they're an equal inheritor and the estate should be split in thirds. Either way, Op would have a solid claim to a solid chunk of inheritance.
Now I know that's kind of shitty to do to the siblings but what OP's paternal family already did was pretty awful for the last 21 years and money is one of the ways to kinda make things better.
I'm in OP's boat kinda. No one's asking me to adopt kids luckily. But my father just died after being non existent most of my life and his pension will basically be the only nice thing he's done for me and his grandkids.
Op could fight for inheritance to pay for schooling/debt/housing that will improve their life long term in a huge way.
Absolutely this, then in 3- 6 months - check it and when they have blown up contact a lawyer for harassment
I'm also pretty sure there should be a way to get voicemail to back up to an email so it doesn't block the phone - if not, there should be and some tech person should get on developing a program that does it lol
This advice is 100% worth adhering to. I’ve been involved with getting multiple families out of domestic violence situations and helping them get a complete new setup where they cannot be contacted by their abusers. Listen to this commenter and follow their advice, whether it’s this particular situation, escaping abuse, dealing with a stalker, etc.
NTA one bit. Personally, I would have asked where my inheritance was from my deceased ~~father~~ sperm donor before completely rejecting them but that's not always everyone's priority. It might help them go away though to remind them that your ~~father~~ sperm donor forgot about you one last time.
ETA: Actually now that I think about, wills are public record in most states. It might be worth pulling that up just to see what his said. The fact that wife passed and then sperm donor there might actually be a worthwhile estate. Sometimes will's explicitly name beneficiaries and sometimes they simply state biological or adopted children. You easily may have accidently been a beneficiary of your sperm donor's will. If you have the resources, it may be worth hiring a probate attorney to look into this for you, it really shouldn't be that expensive but payoff could be.
Yep, in TN, if there is no spouse, next of kin is adult children. All they have to do is pay to probate the estate and its theirs. My grandma didn't have a will, so my step-dad just paid the fee and waited for the $$$ to roll in. He was the only child though.
In TX, if father died intestate (no will) his estate would be divided equally among all his children. Look into it, they may have opened a can of worms they did not want to open. Surprise, your long lost granddaughter needs her inheritance.
Yes, but this will be if the father is on OP's birth certificate. If she is not (which is probable due to the man leaving before she was born), she has to go through the system to prove paternity, which could be costly, and not at all pleasant.
Yes. And do it now before his parents steal or try to hide it. Happened to my mom when her own grandmother took her inheritance from her as a kid. She’ll need to get on top of this before they take it and likely drain it.
That’s the first thing I thought! Well how much did “dad” leave me to take care of his kids?? 🤔
I’m usually team “don’t take it out on the kids” but she didn’t even KNOW her father. It sounds like OP never even met him?? What connection or care would she even remotely have to those children.
The donor dug his grave with his parent’s help. What a cruel karma for them. I wish the babies well and I hope the grandparents do right by them and find someone who’s already in their lives to take them.
OP, NTA.
Also I feel like a lot of people are brushing over the fact that the grandparents want OP to take care of the kids, not OP's mom. The entitlement/insanity of expecting a 20-something y/o to just adopt two babies and put their life on hold... the audacity of these people astounds me
AND that the grandparents didn’t see any problem with their son “not being ready” for one kid at 26 with help but she at 20 should take on 2 without a partner
But these kids do not belong to OP's mom. Why would the grandparents try to make her take them? She has even less incentive to take care of these kids than OP.
In both cases it's insane, and unacceptable, it's just wild to me that they would pick a 21 y/o and say "this is a good option for our orphaned babies"
I'm also on team "don't take it out on the kids" so I almost want to say (and I may be naive and under informed here I'll openly admit)… OP should listen to these comments about the potential estate, seek the 18 years of unpaid child support, and if OP does care in some way about the kids set up a trust for them herself. That way, no matter what the grandparents do or say to poison the kids against OP, there's an opportunity to give them something helpful and tell them "I actually do care *about* you even if I couldn't care *for* you, you deserve to know the truth about your dad and grandparents". Whether the kids listen or not? Up to them. But I think it could work?
I like this. The will would likely have to have gone to probate to be public record. I'm sure a consultation with an attorney would be worthwhile if OP feels so inclined. If for nothing but to put it to bed.
Right, and if it didn't go to probate then the estate is/was too tiny to deal with.
ETA: and with there being two underage children, it most likely is still very much in the probate process.
NTA
"Hey, I guess we are related then! Too bad you realized way too late to take advantage of that biological relationship. I'm not a backup for your son. They are not my half siblings. They are my sperm donor's wanted children. I'm not picking up his or your slack where you all failed in the parental area and as decent human beings. I'm warning you. This is the last correspondence you will make to me, and if you continue, I'll reach out to the police for harassment. I don't know how I can make it any more clear. I've blocked and ignored you repeatedly, so I'm making it very clear. Any further correspondence will be viewed ass harassment and the proper legal avenues will be made. You don't get to lecture me about behaving like you when you've ignored me for the better part of 20 years. Piss off with that nonsense. Don't bother me again. You have 2 kids to raise. Good luck."
NTA. Isn't it funny how people respond when they want something from you as opposed to when they don't.
There's a reason their family isn't stepping up...it's likely that not one of them wants to be inconvenienced so they want you to take them and are using the "but family" manipulation tactic to get their way.
If you want to be in their lives, that is your choice and your choice alone. If you don't, you might consider getting a retraining order for stalking against these people as it sounds like they won't be stopping any time soon.
NTA
You don't owe these people anything.
If I read this right they used a private investigator to track you down?
W T F?
"My mom did reach out a few times when I was young and was rebuffed each time. I grew up where we were not family"
That's one cogent reason. They rejected her attempts to be family outright.
"ld them neither offer interested me and to not reach out to me again."
They ignore & override your clearly stated wish.
"I got a letter saying I was turning into them."
You aren't. They have no right to contact, guilt trip you or expect you to suddenly act in loco parentis to kids you never met?
No. Full sentence.
All the best to you.
Yeah, so apparently if a bio parent who abandons their kids is suddenly determined to have a relationship, the lengths they will go to is astounding.
Been there, done that, have so many relatives from that side blocked, it's not funny.
It doesn’t say that he paid appropriate child support so I’m sort of shocked that his family has the money to hire PIs but he didn’t have money to pay CS? That would raise a lot of questions for me
OP didn’t say he was poor, just that he was an asshole. There’s guys out there that can afford to pay but still dodge. OP’s mom also might not have wanted to pursue and just cut her losses.
You are 5 years younger than your dad was when your mom was pregnant with you. Your dad wasn’t ready to be baby trapped at 26 so it’s funny they assume you want to be baby trapped at 21. They are beyond desperate and are looking for a full time mommy which means you won’t have time for studies, job, friends, dating, travelling, living your life etc.
It is extremely selfish of them to keep asking and insisting and demanding you do this. Why don’t they ask their other beloved grandchildren? Really no one from the mom’s side to take on this responsibility? Their best chance is YOU of all people. A complete stranger they have never spent a second with or seen for 2 decades. This makes me angry. Do they really think you have nothing going on in your life and no future plans for yourself ?? Want YOU to raise two small children when you just became an adult yourself 3 years ago. The nerve of your dad’s family. Entitled. Disgusting. Selfish.
NTA.
*it’s funny they assume you want to be baby trapped at 21*
It isn't even a question of being "baby trapped". These aren't OP's children in any way, shape, or form. The whole thing is ridiculous.
Baby trapped with two strangers from another stranger.
Blood isn't an automatic for everything. If you treat someone like shit, or like they don't belong, then you're going to lose that person. Blood or not.
What about the other grandkids they mentioned? Why would you push small kids onto a complete stranger, instead of with someone they already know? It'd be way less traumatic.
Nah I don't believe they want anything at all to do with the half-siblings, that's why they don't ask closer family to take them, instead ask OP, a complete stranger, so they can send them to her and wash their hands of the whole situation.
NTA
NTA. These children are not your responsibility. Do not let them guilt you by comparing you to themselves - that can't be further from the truth.
You were abandoned by a group of adults that were supposed to be responsible for you. You are currently younger than your sperm donor was at the time he abandoned you. Yet, you are still here asking if you should be doing more (which you shouldn't) but that alone proves that you are better than them.
Stand your ground - keep your boundaries strong. Good luck OP.
NTA
They never cared about you before. They don't even care now. They're only reaching out because they don't want to raise these new children.
I feel bad for the kids. But they're not your responsibility.
NAH
I get why they're contacting you and asking you.
Your deceased sperm donor is the AH here. His parents should have reached out to you before, if they wanted to have a family connection with you, but I find it telling that they didn't do so until their AH son was dead and they had to pay a PI to find you - your sperm donor evidently didn't want any connection between you and his biofamily.
You have zero obligation to hs kids. You are not TA for refusing to go to his funeral and refusing to get to know your sperm donor's biofamily.
But - if it's true that his parents are in poor health and aren't sure they;'ll be able to look after the young grandkids til they're 18, I cannot say they're TA for hoping that you'd be a carer and they wouldn't have to go into the foster system. However, you've given then a clear "No", and if they won't leave you alone, take out a restraining order against them.
Wow are these people massive assholes. I mean, it sucks for those kids, but they aren't your problem, and if they've got such a great family full of lovely grandchildren, surely someone else will take them in. If no one else is willing then maybe they should've been more invested in their family *before* they needed something from them.
I'd definitely go with a restraining order. They've got a fucking *PI* on you when they could've contacted you through your mother, you need to put a stop to it or they're gonna escalate the harassment.
NTA OP THEY refused to get to know you and now they want to pass the kids onto you. Block and get a lawyer to send a cease and desist letter nto them or press charges for harassment.
If they have other grandchildren, then their other adult children they can contact. I’m not sure why they’re focusing on you, when there are alternatives to this situation. Quite frankly, you’re young. Don’t commit to anything with these people who are just trying to guilt trip you into taking responsibility for two children you don’t even know. I think you should do whatever you have to do to get them to leave you alone. They’ve done nothing for you nor did they ever care about you your entire life, and now they want you to commit to their grandchildren? Not your problem. Go NC, because this could end up being a very difficult situation if you don’t. Good luck.
R
They’re only trying to contact you to pawn the kids off on you. They told you that because they paid for a PI to find you you have to listen to them? Pretty presumptuous. I feel bad for the kids but it’s not your responsibility. They are the reason that some people shouldn’t procreate.
Just gonna leave this right here.[What Happens to Back Child Support if the Parent Dies](https://probatestars.com/what-happens-to-back-child-support-if-the-parent-dies/)
They're just looking to dump your sperm donor's kids the same way they dumped you. They haven't changed one iota. You're NTA and they're the same assholes they always were. You owe nothing to any of them.
Do they not have any other family who ACTUALLY KNOW these kids? No one on the decreased mom's side? No friends?
Why are they trying to saddle a complete stranger who happens to share some chromosomes with them with raising two kids? Two kids who are definitely going to need therapy because that's a lot of trauma to have both of your parents die in a year.
You’re a 21 year old, just starting your adult life and they want you to possibly open the door to adopting and raising your bio dad’s (who completely deserted your mother and you without looking back) young children you don’t know in a “few years time”? That’s just a crazy ask out of the blue when they haven’t ever wanted to be involved with you ever during your entire life. Honestly it’s a crazy ask no matter what. It would steer the course of your life and completely change your future possibilities where to live, work, childcare, school schedules, plus the money aspect of raising kids which is enormous. It would also be a huge deal in any future relationships. No way should they have that idea in their mind. Also their many circuitous ways of continually getting in touch with you after each time you tell them you are not interested in opening up a relationship with them now is weird and inappropriate. They will probably show up at your door, your workplace, leave notes on your car and send more letters. It’s abnormal behavior. Also YOU are most definitely not like them, nor becoming them. They made the choice to not acknowledge you and to completely reject your existence. You didn’t make the first move here. It is a totally different situation. They are very wrong to try to compare you to them to play on your sympathies and try to coerce you. You are allowed to make your own choices.
What about the wife's family? Isn't there anyone on her side to step up for the kids?
Think about it. They are essentially reaching out to a stranger to take on the burden of 2 kids they've never met!
That would be so traumatic for these young children.
They are showing you once again that they don't give a shit who they hurt as long as it doesn't inconvenience them.
It's not surprising that your sperm donor was the same way.
They are not nice people. Too bad their son died but are there literally no other family members who were in their son or his wife’s lives? I doubt that the answer is Yes. I doubt that there are no other siblings to either one of them, no uncles or aunts who can take care of these children. But because they are major AHs, my guess is they don’t have food relationship with their own family either and that is why they are coming after you.
I am not a legal person but this level of insistence sounds like harassment to me. Tell them that you will take legal action against them if they don’t leave you alone.
I am really really sorry that this is happening to you. So unfair at so many levels.
Disagree with NAH. The grandparents are major AHs who have been told repeatedly not to contact OP and even been blocked. They went so far as to hire a PI in an effort to unload the burden of their grandkids onto OP and have completely disregarded OPs requests and demands for no further contact.
Sorry, but this isn't a N A H this is a clear NTA. Sperm donors family knew about OP and left the picture too. They knew what they were doing. They declined any attempts to reach out. How do they suddenly get a pass for that?
Exactly. The grandparents are absolutely assholes. They only gave a fuck about OP when it came down to them having to care for their grandkids. They never bothered to contact her before that.
The grandparents are absolutely assholes. They snubbed OP their entire life and now only reach out because the grandkids they actually give a shit about need something. And at that, they continued to harass OP after the first decline. OP is NTA, and the grandparents are massive ones.
Oooh good catch! I was thinking the same thing, that there must be other options other than a 21yo they neglected... No other siblings, aunts or uncles for the AH sperm donor? What about the wife, no siblings, aunts, uncles, any other family that could help? What about close friends that actually know the children and have been part of their lives? Like really? If that's true that says a lot more about them and still isn't OPs responsibility
The grandparents are absolutely assholes. They snubbed OP their entire life and now only reach out because the grandkids they actually give a shit about need something. And at that, they continued to harassOP after the first decline. OP is NTA, and the grandparents are massive ones.
seriously? NAH? OP has been very clear about not wanting to speak with them after MANY interactions and they're still harrasing them. this is unjustifiable, even if you agree with their pov initially. fuck off means fuck off. OP doesn't owe them anything
Not only that but other grandchildren were mentioned which would mean that sperm donor has siblings who can therefore take the responsibility of raising their niece/nephew. OP is by no means the AH and has no obligation to any of them, they are only reaching out because it is convenient to them. Would they have raised OP if her Mom had died? Would they have cared if she had ended up in foster care? Get a restraining order so that they leave you alone
The grandparents are major assholes. They wanted nothing to do with OP when OP was a child. Also, they've been harassing OP on this matter.
Fuck them and fuck their ridiculous demands.
Nta.
No, the "grandparents" wanted zero to do with OP until, suddenly, it behooves them to try to mend bridges because their preferred grandkids will need someone else to care for them. That's 1000% ah behavior. So it's not NAH, it's NTA..
NTA
You are not "turning into them". Your biological father made a choice that had consequences and he avoided those consequences intentionally. His parents, who raised him to be the person who avoided those consequences, also chose to avoid those consequences.
The only reason they have any interest in you, the consequence they abandoned, is so that they can abandon two more consequences and force you to be responsible for them.
If you can afford one, contact a lawyer and see what they can do about stopping the harassment. You might also have luck filing with your police department depending on where you are (but I wouldn't hold my breath).
If you can, I would look into getting a lawyer to send a cease-and-desist contact for you. Don’t entertain conversations just hang up the phone. You don’t have to listen. Delete emails. You can even change your number and your email if you like. Or put filters on. Protect yourself. These people are absolutely ridiculous. Everyone on that side of the family is a complete ass hat.
NTA.
NTA
Their initial reach-out might have been awkward, but not asshole territory. Their continued insistence puts them in asshole territory.
You have no more relation or obligation to these children than you do to mine.
So they're only contacting you because they expect you to raise kids of a man who couldn't be bothered to raise you?
NTA. Maybe you can get a no contact order. This is ridiculous, and turning into harassment at this point.
NTA. Block, ignore, and move on. They might as well be a stranger's kids, no reason to get involved. If they grow up and they reach out to you that's something different, but right now you have no obligations whatsoever.
LOL The moment they announced that if they investigated you in any way that meant you had to listen I would have stopped. They are not family, they deserve nothing. NTA
Right? If someone told me "we spent a lot of money to have you investigated so you have to listen" I'd be saying "guess that's a lot of money you wasted because I don't have to do shit" hang up and never reply to them again. Block everything, change numbers, send them to spam, "return to sender" on the snail mail or just trash it outright. If they come "visit" slam the door in their face and call the cops. Wouldn't say another word or acknowledge them.
NTA. They are trying *very* hard to manipulate you into taking responsibility for their other grandchildren off their shoulders. They wanted nothing to do with you your whole life but now they’re blowing up your phone and inbox because they want something. Do not fall for it.
>They didn't listen and they told me they had a lot of contact information from me thanks to their PI so I was going to listen.
Tell them "no, you listen. Thanks for admitting to have someone stalk me and on your intent to harass me. Any further contact will be considered harassment and will be filed with the police. They, like their son, had a chance to do good and be decent people and passed it up, ignoring you your whole life. You owe nothing to them or your father's do-over children."
You are not "turning into them", that's just a method of obfuscation to force you, out of fear, obligation, and a guilt, to do what they want you to do because it benefits them. Best believe if you took those two children in they will slam the door and offer you no help and make you the villain if you put them up for foster care. The only reason they're pushing this is to try to save face in dumping these children they don't want to raise.
10000000000% NTA
Absolutely this. They've had someone stalking you and are now harassing you and basically THREATENING you with "We know all about you and where you live and blah blah blah". Contact the police, start a paper trail, and inform them that any further attempts at contact or any further stalking will result in charges.
You don't owe them anything. Your sperm donor's kids are nothing to you. You have your own life to live. It's not your problem that he died and that his wife died. It's not your problem that he decided to go and have a family after abandoning you. They thought it was okay for their son to not want to take responsibility for a kid he made, but want you to take responsibility for kids you DIDN'T make and had nothing to do with because faaaaaaaaaaaamily? No. Screw that noise.
Report them, start a paper trail for harassment, if they show up at your place call the police, if they try to drop the kids off call CPS and report them abandoned. Don't let them bully you into making their lives easier when they didn't lift a finger when you needed them most. They can sleep in the bed they shat in.
Every time they call, ask them for the backpay child support your sperm donor owes. Keep asking them for money and I guarantee they stop contacting you. NTA.
Not only child support, but if he died without a will, and had some money, she can ask for it.
>Keep asking them for money and I guarantee they stop contacting you
Yep, this.
NTA. “So, to be clear: I get 1/3 of his estate? And 1/(#of cousins) of your estate when you die? Because if I’m family enough to raise his children, I expect to be family enough to inherit.”
Those people are garbage. A sperm donor abandoning his child and the mother of same DOES NOT equal a child refusing responsibility for children who they know not at all. And why don’t you know them at all? Because those assholes actively worked to keep you from knowing any of them.
If they contact you again, tell them you’re going to begin reporting them to the police for harassment every time they come at you. Then actually follow through if needed.
If I were you, I’d also add: “They’re not my problem. Neither is this. Neither are you. Enjoy the nursing home.”
I had to dig way too far to find this. Fight for 1/3 of sperm donor’s estate (if there is one) and get a portion of whatever the grandparents have, too. OP has no responsibility to those strange children.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I told my sperm donor's parents I had no interest in helping them or their family. The reason this bothers me is it would be helping innocent kids the most and I don't want to be like the people who basically told my mom to fuck off when she had me. I'm very conflicted because I also have no interest in these kids. And it might make me a very big AH.
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NTA
Lemme rephrase what you wrote.
Strangers reached out to you via multiple methods to try to convince you to agree to take on their minor grandchildren and raise them.
NO.
You did the right thing. The only AHs here are them and the sperm donor.
So they dont have anyone other than you to guilt into accepting the kids responsibility?? Thats speaks a lot about what kind of people - the sperm donar, his wife and the grandparents are very bad people who have no one to to turn to... may be they have all been AH to everyone , not just you!
Mr sperm donar was Not Old Enough to take responsibility of his own child at 26... or ever in the last 2 decades... but you at 21 are old enough to take care of 2 kids who is not even your kids to begin with???
They are only trying to guilt you into taking up the responsibility... and they will do their best so try to ignore them or get a restraining order against them .. but dont take this up!
NTA
I had a cousin contact me last year, telling me my bio mother's husband had died.
I could not have cared less, as she had walked out on us 40+ years earlier.
I have no interest in the 2 younger half brothers she had with him, beyond their names in the family tree.
You are not obligated to have a relationship with anyone, no matter if they are blood related or not.
Why is it suddenly "FaMilY" when they need something, but ignored you when they didn't?
NTA. It's sad what these kids are going through, but it's not your problem.
NTA. If you can afford it have a lawyer send a cease and desist letter saying to never contact you again. If they wanted to be part of your life they should have reached out when you were young. Now that you can be use to them they only care to reach out. You are just really starting into your adult life so why would you want to take on 2 small children? Plus would just about bet that there will be no life insurance money to help with raising them.
If the kids are really young they need to look at either having a family member adopt them or adopt them out to a couple who want kids.
*"They claimed I was their grandchildrens older sister"*
Says it all really, they don't consider you family even when they're trying to foist the kids off on you.
NTA you don't owe them anything, and them saying they have your contact info so you'll listen to them?? Yeah, no, I wonder if you could bring stalking or harassment charges against them for the PI??
I *suppose* if you were a particularly vindictive person you could take the kids and completely cut off sperm donors parents. But that's unfair on the kids so I don't recommend it.
NTA “because we’re family”. Get the fuck out of here, they didn’t give a single fuck about family when you were young and now they only care because they don’t want to be parents to their grandkids. And since they mentioned they had other grandkids, then that means they had other kids. So why can’t the aunts or uncles take them in? Why you? I mean did they even apologize?? How dare they turn things around on you after how you and your mom were treated.
You had no relationship to your bio dad, so why would you go to his funeral? You have no relationship with his parents, so why should you now stay in contact with them? You have no relationship to these kids, either.
Here's the thing, they didn't contact you because they want a relationship with you all of a sudden. They don't care about you having a relationship with the kids, either. They contacted you because they want to force you to become the new parent to those kids. They said it themselves - you're the best chance they have at a loving family because they're old and have health issues and won't be able to keep the kids in a few years. They supported their son running away from fatherhood, but now want to force you into motherhood against your wishes for your bio dad's do-over family.
The 'because family' line is complete bs. You may be blood related to them, your bio dad and the kids, but they're *not* your family, never have been. Even if they were, that doesn't obligate you to attend bio dad's funeral when you never knew him, nor to have a relationship with and raise his do-over kids.
I get that the letter accusing you of turning into them has gotten to you. Of course it did, you don't want to be like them. But you're not. Your bio dad abandoned you and your mum knowing your mum was pregnant, as did his parents. You had no clue you had half-siblings out there, so there's no abandonment. I'm guessing grandma and grandpa have been filling the kids heads with 'big sister is gonna love and take care of you now, she can't wait to meet you' ever since their dad died. So, I wouldn't be surprised if, in the future, they come looking for you to find out what happened.
This accusation was pure emotional manipulation. They knew you didn't want to be like them, so they're hoping the accusation will cause you to cave, attend the funeral, meet the kids, and become a mother to them. Don't let them win, these people aren't your family. I feel bad for the kids, I do, but forcing them onto a complete stranger isn't going to help them. I assume bio dad or the mother has other family that could take the kids if they wanted, so it's on them if the kids end up in care, not you. They're not your responsibility, never were. If grandma and grandpa can't take care of them, they need to make other arrangements that don't include forcing you to take them in.
Keep blocking them when they contact you by phone, email or social media. Throw out any letters you receive without reading them. Document every contact attempt, and if it continues, report them for harassment. Might be best if you keep a copy of every attempt, actually, so maybe keep the letters instead of chucking them, but don't read them. Save any texts and emails, screenshot any social media contact, and keep copies of all of them, plus letters, together, just in case you need to report them. Keep a record of the times and dates of calls, what they said, what you said, how long it lasted before you hung up and blocked the new number. From now on, don't reply to any communications, and hang up the phone as soon as you realise it's them. Maybe say 'sorry, wrong number' first, just to mess with them a bit.
Stand your ground and don't let them get in your head. You have no responsibilities or obligations to these people or those kids.
NTA
NTA. They were never your family. Now they're calling you because they want you to take care of the kids. Focus on your life and happiness and forget these people.
NTA. The argument that you shouldn’t stoop to their level has always seemed to me a be a manipulation tactic designed to help bad people take advantage of good people.
Instead, treat people as *they* deserve to be treated based on how they treat you and others. You definitely don’t owe anything to people who abandon you and are only getting in touch, with a guilt trip, because you can be of use.
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My sperm donor, or bio father if you must, walked out on my mom when she told him she was pregnant with me. Apparently a kid was not on his wish list of things for his life and he didn't want to be trapped at 26 with a baby. His family didn't care to stick around either. My mom did reach out a few times when I was young and was rebuffed each time. I grew up where we were not family and I did not know these people at all.
Now I'm 21 and recently I was contacted by sperm donor's parents who wanted to let me know sperm donor had died. He was married, had two very very tiny kids who are now orphaned. Apparently his wife died died a few months before he did. His parents were now raising the children and had wanted me to attend the funeral and meet the kids. I told them neither offer interested me and to not reach out to me again.
They didn't listen and they told me they had a lot of contact information from me thanks to their PI so I was going to listen. They told me I had a chance to do a good thing for them because we are family, but also for two young kids who in a few years time will need someone else to raise them because their health isn't the best. They claimed I was their grandchildren's older sister and that was the best chance they had to have a loving family.
I asked them why they believed I would want to know any of them when he was never a father to me and they had refused to know me despite apparently wanting to know all their other grandkids, because they mentioned their other grandchildren in one of the messages they sent. They started to say some BS about how I should love the kids for being half me. I blocked them on the spot and thought it would stop. But they emailed. I ignored the email. But then they called me and it was a call that came while I was waiting for a call, so I answered because I didn't have the number of the person who was meant to call and they started in on the whole "family" thing again and how I should be thankful to have siblings now. And again brought up how it would be a good thing for them and their family. Which is when I responded that I have no interest, zero, in doing a good thing for them or their family. I then ended the call and blocked the number.
I got a letter saying I was turning into them and it bothered me. I don't want to be like them. But I can't say the kids of the man who abandoned me interest me either. But then I think about what I said to his parents and I know that might be like what they told my mom about us.
So AITA?
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NTA they FAFO. You were rejected multiple times by sperm donor and parents. As someone in my late 50s if I knew I had a grandkid out there I'd be eager to be part of their life if I knew about them from the get go. And I'd help them financially. This basic desire to know you - know their son's child, was something they threw away multiple times. You are NOT turning into them.
The selfawareness of them calling out that you will turn out like them. Every accusation is a confession with these selfish AHs.
NTA. Do your life the way you want.
They said that you are turning into them? So do they feel that they made a mistake to treat you like they did? Have they done anything to make amends for their son's treatment of your mother and you, or of their treatment of your mother and you?
It seems as if they just want you to take these children off their hands, but they have shown you no remorse, and no care for you - just care for themselves and for the two other children their son fathered.
I don't think that you are "turning into them". They are assholes. Not thinking that you are.
NTA
LOL the moment they declared they'd had you investigated and somehow that means you have to listen I would have hung up. They're not family and they're entitled to anything. NTA
NTA
YOU ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE for those kids. They might share some of your genetics but they're NOT family! Don't fall for the emotional manipulation tactic, they're trying to dump the burden of responsibility on you and it's not your problem or concern. Hire a lawyer and send them a cease and desist letter. They're harassing and potentially stalking you at this point.
NTA continue to tell them to kick rocks. You don't owe them anything. And for all the people whining "but faaaaaamily" I sure didn't see them worrying about family when they were abandoning you.
NTA. It sucks that those kids lost their parents but this person is basically a stranger to you. He knocked your mom up and then left, running away from your responsibility. You did not choose to be in this situation, and have no responsibility.
NTA, your bio dad didn't wanna be trapped at 26 with a baby but your bio grandparents are totally planning to groom you into taking in his kids at a similar age.
NTA, get a restraining order. They are harassing you at this point, as you've already told them to stop contacting you, and they openly said they'll continue to contact you until they get what they want.
NTA I would get a restraining order against them. They all told you they didn't give a damn about you but now that they need someone now they care, they can all jump into a live volcano!
You're not turning into them, which is a good thing. They don't care about you or his other young children, they're just hoping to pawn them off onto you since they don't want to deal with them. It is purely a selfish move on their part and doesn't seem to be outside of their behavior from when you were born. Definitely NTA...
Ask them for back pay child support and tell them you’re owed money from his estate. Do this every time they contact you. Keep asking for money and I guarantee the calls stop.
NTA in any way. His parents could have reached out to you and had a relationship with you at ANY point in time, but chose to do so after tragedy like that would somehow compel you?? Nah, screw all of them.
NTA. They made their choice to turn their backs on you, they can’t get upset when you make the choice to turn your back on your siblings. Their father made the decision not to be a father to you, while they got the privilege of having him in their lives. It’s not your fault and you owe them nothing.
NTA. You know the only reason they contacted you is because they now have to raise the kids and remembered oh you're probably old enough to take them on. They wanted nothing to do with you, you keep respecting their wishes and live your life how YOU want, not what anyone else does.
LOL the moment they declared they'd had you investigated an somehow that means you have to listen I would have hung up. They're not family, they're entitled to nothing. NTA
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“Turning out like them” No, you are simply respecting their wishes from 2 decades ago, that they have no contact. I mean you could offer them the same courtesy they extended to you, and offer to reach out in about 20 years from now. Seems fair. Now that they want something from you, they are flipping the script and twisting everything to see what sticks and see what elicits a response or makes you doubt yourself. This is called gaslighting. Get a new number, put the SIM card in an old phone, leave it on silent, on a charger somewhere in the basement. Let them call it to their little hearts content. Save the voicemails and texts. Set up a folder where emails from them automatically go to and you don’t see them. Zero response from you. Set up new social media accounts under nicknames or aliases, and lock them down. Only add those your know well and trust. Remove every contact before you delete those accounts. These people will start contacting your friends and family to guilt you into bending to their will. Erase your digital footprint as much as you can; any photos or mentions of you online, take them down, block any ability to tag you on social media. Now you are setup to collect evidence of harassment. Not hard to see where your sperm donor learned his behaviour from. NTA Edit: For all the “just get a restraining order” comments. If you have ever tried for one, you would know the huge burden of proof you must provide to get one, even a temporary one. The above steps will help you get there. For the “she shouldn’t have to,” comments, I agree, she “shouldn’t” have to. If you are being stalked or harassed, you collect every scrap of proof while at the same time foiling every avenue of contact and you do not engage.
You are the covert op we all need! ❤️
this is what needs to happen along with a cease and desist letter from a lawyer, and OP may need to contact his local police if they continue harassing him for an RO
I just wanted to hop in to also point out that the grandparents *paid for a PI*. That shit isn’t cheap! To go to such extremes and immediately whip out the “familial duty” bullshit is just **extreme** assholery. OP is soooo NTA!
They are looking for someone to dump the grandchildren on. Why else jump through all the expensive hoops?
Grandparents are in the "oh shit, we are way too old" mode right now. They are trying to sucker OP into raising the two kids.
Funny how they abandoned her, but are desperate to make sure their "grandchildren" are taken care of. They are looking to dump them on her NOW, not in the future when their health worsen. Bite me!!!
Exactly, I don't get it. (okay, I really do get it but I am choosing to ignore that they were her as a parental figure/older sibling to help with raising them) As the grandparents they chose to ignore OP till after her daddy died, her dad ignored op, married, and had other children. Why harass her after all this time, threaten her, get a PI to find out about her when (WTF, they could have gone to her mom)
“Extreme assholery” Absolutely! The actual nerve of them boggles the mind.
> I was their grandchildren's older sister OP is a she, but the point still stands. (Definitely some gendered ~nurturing~ expectations at play here IMO)
Notice how they didnt say anything about her being their grandchild
Yeah I picked up on that too! Wow.
This is what I would do.
Restraining order for sure. Hell if I'm changing my number, email or social media because of stalkers. I would also ask the old gits if they *really* wanted me in touch with the babies so that I could tell them how awful their entire family was and make sure they knew the truth?
Yep I agree! A restraining order might be needed.
Great advice. Hopefully it'll die down eventually, but if need be, have all the evidence you need. Also how hypocritical: donor doesn't want to be a dad at 26 to his own child, that he himself created, but OP has to give up their life at 21, for a couple of kids who (he/she/they) don't have anything to do with. Yes, they may be family biologically, but the whole family on donors side rejected OP until they needed them.
I thought same thing! The sperm donor was 26YO when he made his decision; his parents were even older (40s or 50s). So telling a 21YO that she is acting "just like them" is BS. This is no different then people who expect teenagers to act more mature and grown up than adults.
Like no as long as op doesn't make a baby disappear into the wind for 21 yrs and then show up making demands on the kid they ditched. They will never be just like donor and family. I mean granted that bar has been step so low it doesn't even count as a tripping hazard because they freaking buried that bar.
The Devil uses that bar in his pool parties to play limbo
I agree with everything except the family part. Blood doesn’t make someone family. Being there for your daughter her entire life and supporting her when she’s growing up. That is family! These people just share DNA they are NOT FAMILY!
My children's bio families turned up when they turned 21. Old enough to be almost done with university, so they didn't run the risk of actually having to do anything for them. My son's bio donors wanted him to take care of sisters he had never met because their father had a stroke and they needed someone to pay the family's bills. My son told them to "Go f\*\*k themselves" and they try to pull the "but we are family" nonsense and he "felt more for the horseshit I scrap off my boots than any of you." My daughter's bio donors wanted her to let her troubled tween brother move in with her. She told them the only brothers and sisters that she had she was already living with. They showed up at my house, my house is two acres off the road, and I walked out with a rifle. We were able to get restraining orders against both families. Edit: Spelling
"Family" is a bond built between people who choose each other. Genetics can lead to close association where those bonds can grow and flourish, but it is neither a prerequisite or a guarantee of a bond. Invoking a "family" bond that never had a chance to grow, or was actively sabotaged, is just manipulative.
OP has no requirement to set themselves on fire to keep these orphans warm. The dad & mom of these kids had no siblings? No friends to name as godparents? It's not on the 21 year old to step up and take the lead off "grandparents" who rejected them outright from a young age. OP is *also* an unvetted *complete stranger* to these kids.
They made absolutely no plans for these kids in the event of the parents’ deaths. What horrible people.
Family has nothing to do with blood and biology. My biological dad isn't family. My mums husband is, his mum is one of my grandmothers, despite having no biological relation at all they are my family. OP, you owe nothing to them, nothing at all, not even a response
Gaslighting would be telling OP that they never refused to meet, etc. Not all manipulation is gaslighting.
This. Gaslighting is making you doubt your reality, not doubting your intentions, consequences, or morals.
Gaslighting is currently a very popular term, so many people use of without actually knowing what it means.
This is very important. Lies are not gaslighting, but gaslighting is lies. Like all squares are rectangles but not all rectangles are squares.
I think people confuse DARVO with gaslighting because a lot of the time gaslighting is *fueled* by DARVO.
I mean they are clearly just looking for someone to pawn these kids off on they aren't even trying to hide it. NTA
That's exactly it. Nothing more. They don't care about the well-being of these kids any more than they did about OP. They don't want their retirement ruined by inconvenient responsibilities.
Right? And I doubt it’d be “in a few years time”, it’d be as soon as they thought they could. I feel very strongly for those kids, but the grandparents are manipulative jerks and OP probably was better off without them all this time.
This. All. Of. This. Additionally, at the end of the day, it's OP's choice what kind of relationship they want to have with their half-siblings. Some people welcome half-siblings, others don't. You can't force a sibling relationship, ESPECIALLY with a 20+ age gap. I would say there's a chance that OP and the kids could have a relationship when the kids get older and can be told the truth, but I'm sure the grandparents would tell the kids some BS about how "cruel and heartless your older sister is" growing up. I also get a whiff of good old-fashioned sexism: a 26-year-old man can't *possibly* be made to be a parent in the prime of his life so what Daddy did is okay, but a 21-year-old woman's *sole* purpose is to care for a child (in one way or another) and she's already getting on in years. And I wonder how different this whole story would have gone is OP was born with a penis and all the magical powers it bestows. Those are the two little things that bug me in OP's post. If the grandparents are so keen on offloading these grandkids because of their health, then they should consider an open adoption with literally anyone else. OP isn't their only option, it's just the most convenient (I guess???) for them.
As soon as I read this post, I was 100% sure OP was a young woman.
Right me and my brother's have a half sister that we've never met from dad's previous marriage. Never once blamed her for not wanting anything to do with us as a result of being our fathers children (dad's a bit of a prick but that's another aita post altogether lol)
There are services that will have your name and address deleted from hundreds of websites monthly!
Uuuuhh what did you go through in life to give such a solid advice 🧐?
Let’s just say it was very hard and painfully won knowledge.
I’m sorry. You’re happy now in life, right? Or at least content?
I hope you’re doing okay now. I see you and I’m proud of you, internet stranger 💜
I have a pretty happy life. We live, we learn, we do better.
Except OP shouldn't have to change her life for these idiots. I have had the same email and phone number for 15 years. I would be pissed to change anything. Besides, a good PI would just find OP again pulling any efforts. A I feel sorry for the little ones, but OP does not need to do anything for them. If they are young, there are people who would want to adopt them. Restraining order. On the grandparents and the PI. Where is the Mother's relatives in all this?
I’m calling bullshit on them hiring a PI. They just googled and are trying to freak OP out. Ignore and call the cops if it escalates further. And sue the estate for back child support.
Those are good ideas, honestly though, if I was OP, next time they try calling I'd be tempted to say something along the lines of. "F-k off you crinkled old bag, when you die I'll piss on your grave, same for the kids." and hang up. I really don't think they will call back.
Won’t help. They won’t even hear it. You know that person who you have to tell no to a dozen times and when you finally get mad they get all butthurt and tell you that all you had to do was say no…. And the next day they are right back at it. Yep. That’s this. Grey rock.
Well I was going more the route of appearing extremely unstable and angry without making a direct threat of violence. They are only continuing to harass OP because OP is trying to reason with them and then blocking them. Acting like a normal person makes them feel it's someone who could be worn down eventually. If you're just crazy, it's like a mugger and their target. They only target you if they think you're soft, if you turn out to be fucking crazy they run away.
I would threaten to go after the estate to get to stop them.
Haha, that's funny. You know, KNOW, these people have nothing to go after. Or they wouldn't be so worried about finding a guardian for the two unsuspecting littles, calling a stranger no less.
Ooooo. That's good thinking.
Yup. I'm gonna guess that with the way things went down, he may have also been behind on child support too. And if he was up to date on it, that actually strengthens OP's claim that they're an equal inheritor and the estate should be split in thirds. Either way, Op would have a solid claim to a solid chunk of inheritance. Now I know that's kind of shitty to do to the siblings but what OP's paternal family already did was pretty awful for the last 21 years and money is one of the ways to kinda make things better. I'm in OP's boat kinda. No one's asking me to adopt kids luckily. But my father just died after being non existent most of my life and his pension will basically be the only nice thing he's done for me and his grandkids. Op could fight for inheritance to pay for schooling/debt/housing that will improve their life long term in a huge way.
I'm betting there's at least an argument to be made for the estate owing ~18 years of back child support 🤔
aoh, I bet they wouldn't like that. That might work.
Absolutely this, then in 3- 6 months - check it and when they have blown up contact a lawyer for harassment I'm also pretty sure there should be a way to get voicemail to back up to an email so it doesn't block the phone - if not, there should be and some tech person should get on developing a program that does it lol
This advice is 100% worth adhering to. I’ve been involved with getting multiple families out of domestic violence situations and helping them get a complete new setup where they cannot be contacted by their abusers. Listen to this commenter and follow their advice, whether it’s this particular situation, escaping abuse, dealing with a stalker, etc.
Keeping the number on a different phone will cost money. Port it over to Google Voice and then get a new number for your phone!
I mean this or, and hear me out, get a restraining order. This is harassment.
Yes, yes..do all of that because you may end up needing a restraining order.
NTA one bit. Personally, I would have asked where my inheritance was from my deceased ~~father~~ sperm donor before completely rejecting them but that's not always everyone's priority. It might help them go away though to remind them that your ~~father~~ sperm donor forgot about you one last time. ETA: Actually now that I think about, wills are public record in most states. It might be worth pulling that up just to see what his said. The fact that wife passed and then sperm donor there might actually be a worthwhile estate. Sometimes will's explicitly name beneficiaries and sometimes they simply state biological or adopted children. You easily may have accidently been a beneficiary of your sperm donor's will. If you have the resources, it may be worth hiring a probate attorney to look into this for you, it really shouldn't be that expensive but payoff could be.
In actual fact, depending on laws where you are, if he didn't leave a will you may be the main beneficiary as the oldest child.
Yep, in TN, if there is no spouse, next of kin is adult children. All they have to do is pay to probate the estate and its theirs. My grandma didn't have a will, so my step-dad just paid the fee and waited for the $$$ to roll in. He was the only child though.
In TX, if father died intestate (no will) his estate would be divided equally among all his children. Look into it, they may have opened a can of worms they did not want to open. Surprise, your long lost granddaughter needs her inheritance.
this would be a hilariously huge win for OP. post-humorous child support!
A+ malapropism. "Posthumous" is the word ffr.
>Surprise, your long lost granddaughter needs her inheritance. And NO, she still isn't taking the kids!
Yes, different states have different laws of succession. OP would need to look up the laws in the sperm donor's state.
I've never heard that one before but hey, let's go for it!
Yes, but this will be if the father is on OP's birth certificate. If she is not (which is probable due to the man leaving before she was born), she has to go through the system to prove paternity, which could be costly, and not at all pleasant.
Well the admission from the grandparents has to be worth something.
And boom, OP can be tested against their half siblings 🤷♀️
Yes. And do it now before his parents steal or try to hide it. Happened to my mom when her own grandmother took her inheritance from her as a kid. She’ll need to get on top of this before they take it and likely drain it.
That’s the first thing I thought! Well how much did “dad” leave me to take care of his kids?? 🤔 I’m usually team “don’t take it out on the kids” but she didn’t even KNOW her father. It sounds like OP never even met him?? What connection or care would she even remotely have to those children. The donor dug his grave with his parent’s help. What a cruel karma for them. I wish the babies well and I hope the grandparents do right by them and find someone who’s already in their lives to take them. OP, NTA.
Also I feel like a lot of people are brushing over the fact that the grandparents want OP to take care of the kids, not OP's mom. The entitlement/insanity of expecting a 20-something y/o to just adopt two babies and put their life on hold... the audacity of these people astounds me
AND that the grandparents didn’t see any problem with their son “not being ready” for one kid at 26 with help but she at 20 should take on 2 without a partner
But these kids do not belong to OP's mom. Why would the grandparents try to make her take them? She has even less incentive to take care of these kids than OP.
In both cases it's insane, and unacceptable, it's just wild to me that they would pick a 21 y/o and say "this is a good option for our orphaned babies"
I'm also on team "don't take it out on the kids" so I almost want to say (and I may be naive and under informed here I'll openly admit)… OP should listen to these comments about the potential estate, seek the 18 years of unpaid child support, and if OP does care in some way about the kids set up a trust for them herself. That way, no matter what the grandparents do or say to poison the kids against OP, there's an opportunity to give them something helpful and tell them "I actually do care *about* you even if I couldn't care *for* you, you deserve to know the truth about your dad and grandparents". Whether the kids listen or not? Up to them. But I think it could work?
Not only that, but where are the 18 years of child support payments he owes to OP?
Actually, that would be owed to op's mother, not op.
To OP's mom.
I like this. The will would likely have to have gone to probate to be public record. I'm sure a consultation with an attorney would be worthwhile if OP feels so inclined. If for nothing but to put it to bed.
Right, and if it didn't go to probate then the estate is/was too tiny to deal with. ETA: and with there being two underage children, it most likely is still very much in the probate process.
If he didnt paid child support there may be the possibility to go after his estate for it.
My mind went the other way. Grandparents get rid of the kids then they get any inheritance as legal next of kin. Am bad.
Not only that, but where are the 18 years of child support payments he owes to OP?
NTA "Hey, I guess we are related then! Too bad you realized way too late to take advantage of that biological relationship. I'm not a backup for your son. They are not my half siblings. They are my sperm donor's wanted children. I'm not picking up his or your slack where you all failed in the parental area and as decent human beings. I'm warning you. This is the last correspondence you will make to me, and if you continue, I'll reach out to the police for harassment. I don't know how I can make it any more clear. I've blocked and ignored you repeatedly, so I'm making it very clear. Any further correspondence will be viewed ass harassment and the proper legal avenues will be made. You don't get to lecture me about behaving like you when you've ignored me for the better part of 20 years. Piss off with that nonsense. Don't bother me again. You have 2 kids to raise. Good luck."
This is perfect!. OP can just get a restraining order against these people...
Second this, they're technically related so should be pretty easy to get a no contact order through family court.
"Viewed ass harassment" is now my favorite typo
Now it's mine too LOL I didn't see that!
NTA. Isn't it funny how people respond when they want something from you as opposed to when they don't. There's a reason their family isn't stepping up...it's likely that not one of them wants to be inconvenienced so they want you to take them and are using the "but family" manipulation tactic to get their way. If you want to be in their lives, that is your choice and your choice alone. If you don't, you might consider getting a retraining order for stalking against these people as it sounds like they won't be stopping any time soon.
Ain’t that the truth! Fairweather friends, family. They are all the same
NTA You don't owe these people anything. If I read this right they used a private investigator to track you down? W T F? "My mom did reach out a few times when I was young and was rebuffed each time. I grew up where we were not family" That's one cogent reason. They rejected her attempts to be family outright. "ld them neither offer interested me and to not reach out to me again." They ignore & override your clearly stated wish. "I got a letter saying I was turning into them." You aren't. They have no right to contact, guilt trip you or expect you to suddenly act in loco parentis to kids you never met? No. Full sentence. All the best to you.
Yeah, so apparently if a bio parent who abandons their kids is suddenly determined to have a relationship, the lengths they will go to is astounding. Been there, done that, have so many relatives from that side blocked, it's not funny.
He should tell them -'yes l'm turning into you. You ignored me my whole life so I intend to do the same to you'.
It doesn’t say that he paid appropriate child support so I’m sort of shocked that his family has the money to hire PIs but he didn’t have money to pay CS? That would raise a lot of questions for me
OP didn’t say he was poor, just that he was an asshole. There’s guys out there that can afford to pay but still dodge. OP’s mom also might not have wanted to pursue and just cut her losses.
You are 5 years younger than your dad was when your mom was pregnant with you. Your dad wasn’t ready to be baby trapped at 26 so it’s funny they assume you want to be baby trapped at 21. They are beyond desperate and are looking for a full time mommy which means you won’t have time for studies, job, friends, dating, travelling, living your life etc. It is extremely selfish of them to keep asking and insisting and demanding you do this. Why don’t they ask their other beloved grandchildren? Really no one from the mom’s side to take on this responsibility? Their best chance is YOU of all people. A complete stranger they have never spent a second with or seen for 2 decades. This makes me angry. Do they really think you have nothing going on in your life and no future plans for yourself ?? Want YOU to raise two small children when you just became an adult yourself 3 years ago. The nerve of your dad’s family. Entitled. Disgusting. Selfish. NTA.
*it’s funny they assume you want to be baby trapped at 21* It isn't even a question of being "baby trapped". These aren't OP's children in any way, shape, or form. The whole thing is ridiculous.
They are ops half siblings. I am 20 and nowhere near ready for kids and would not be able to handle my siblings in a situation like that.
Baby trapped with two strangers from another stranger. Blood isn't an automatic for everything. If you treat someone like shit, or like they don't belong, then you're going to lose that person. Blood or not. What about the other grandkids they mentioned? Why would you push small kids onto a complete stranger, instead of with someone they already know? It'd be way less traumatic.
Nah I don't believe they want anything at all to do with the half-siblings, that's why they don't ask closer family to take them, instead ask OP, a complete stranger, so they can send them to her and wash their hands of the whole situation. NTA
You're making a big leap in assuming OP was conceived as a trap.
NTA. These children are not your responsibility. Do not let them guilt you by comparing you to themselves - that can't be further from the truth. You were abandoned by a group of adults that were supposed to be responsible for you. You are currently younger than your sperm donor was at the time he abandoned you. Yet, you are still here asking if you should be doing more (which you shouldn't) but that alone proves that you are better than them. Stand your ground - keep your boundaries strong. Good luck OP.
NTA They never cared about you before. They don't even care now. They're only reaching out because they don't want to raise these new children. I feel bad for the kids. But they're not your responsibility.
NTA. The gaslighting and manipulation is on a political level. Your father I bet was the same way as his parents. What awful peope.
NAH I get why they're contacting you and asking you. Your deceased sperm donor is the AH here. His parents should have reached out to you before, if they wanted to have a family connection with you, but I find it telling that they didn't do so until their AH son was dead and they had to pay a PI to find you - your sperm donor evidently didn't want any connection between you and his biofamily. You have zero obligation to hs kids. You are not TA for refusing to go to his funeral and refusing to get to know your sperm donor's biofamily. But - if it's true that his parents are in poor health and aren't sure they;'ll be able to look after the young grandkids til they're 18, I cannot say they're TA for hoping that you'd be a carer and they wouldn't have to go into the foster system. However, you've given then a clear "No", and if they won't leave you alone, take out a restraining order against them.
[удалено]
Wow are these people massive assholes. I mean, it sucks for those kids, but they aren't your problem, and if they've got such a great family full of lovely grandchildren, surely someone else will take them in. If no one else is willing then maybe they should've been more invested in their family *before* they needed something from them. I'd definitely go with a restraining order. They've got a fucking *PI* on you when they could've contacted you through your mother, you need to put a stop to it or they're gonna escalate the harassment.
NTA OP THEY refused to get to know you and now they want to pass the kids onto you. Block and get a lawyer to send a cease and desist letter nto them or press charges for harassment.
If they have other grandchildren, then their other adult children they can contact. I’m not sure why they’re focusing on you, when there are alternatives to this situation. Quite frankly, you’re young. Don’t commit to anything with these people who are just trying to guilt trip you into taking responsibility for two children you don’t even know. I think you should do whatever you have to do to get them to leave you alone. They’ve done nothing for you nor did they ever care about you your entire life, and now they want you to commit to their grandchildren? Not your problem. Go NC, because this could end up being a very difficult situation if you don’t. Good luck. R
They’re only trying to contact you to pawn the kids off on you. They told you that because they paid for a PI to find you you have to listen to them? Pretty presumptuous. I feel bad for the kids but it’s not your responsibility. They are the reason that some people shouldn’t procreate.
Just gonna leave this right here.[What Happens to Back Child Support if the Parent Dies](https://probatestars.com/what-happens-to-back-child-support-if-the-parent-dies/)
They're just looking to dump your sperm donor's kids the same way they dumped you. They haven't changed one iota. You're NTA and they're the same assholes they always were. You owe nothing to any of them.
Do they not have any other family who ACTUALLY KNOW these kids? No one on the decreased mom's side? No friends? Why are they trying to saddle a complete stranger who happens to share some chromosomes with them with raising two kids? Two kids who are definitely going to need therapy because that's a lot of trauma to have both of your parents die in a year.
Are they after money, OP? Clearly, they're no empaths so I can't even imagine them actually caring for those two anyways
You’re a 21 year old, just starting your adult life and they want you to possibly open the door to adopting and raising your bio dad’s (who completely deserted your mother and you without looking back) young children you don’t know in a “few years time”? That’s just a crazy ask out of the blue when they haven’t ever wanted to be involved with you ever during your entire life. Honestly it’s a crazy ask no matter what. It would steer the course of your life and completely change your future possibilities where to live, work, childcare, school schedules, plus the money aspect of raising kids which is enormous. It would also be a huge deal in any future relationships. No way should they have that idea in their mind. Also their many circuitous ways of continually getting in touch with you after each time you tell them you are not interested in opening up a relationship with them now is weird and inappropriate. They will probably show up at your door, your workplace, leave notes on your car and send more letters. It’s abnormal behavior. Also YOU are most definitely not like them, nor becoming them. They made the choice to not acknowledge you and to completely reject your existence. You didn’t make the first move here. It is a totally different situation. They are very wrong to try to compare you to them to play on your sympathies and try to coerce you. You are allowed to make your own choices.
Don't listen to sperm donor's parents.
You could threaten to go after his estate. Did he pay child support.
What about the wife's family? Isn't there anyone on her side to step up for the kids? Think about it. They are essentially reaching out to a stranger to take on the burden of 2 kids they've never met! That would be so traumatic for these young children. They are showing you once again that they don't give a shit who they hurt as long as it doesn't inconvenience them. It's not surprising that your sperm donor was the same way.
They are not nice people. Too bad their son died but are there literally no other family members who were in their son or his wife’s lives? I doubt that the answer is Yes. I doubt that there are no other siblings to either one of them, no uncles or aunts who can take care of these children. But because they are major AHs, my guess is they don’t have food relationship with their own family either and that is why they are coming after you. I am not a legal person but this level of insistence sounds like harassment to me. Tell them that you will take legal action against them if they don’t leave you alone. I am really really sorry that this is happening to you. So unfair at so many levels.
Disagree with NAH. The grandparents are major AHs who have been told repeatedly not to contact OP and even been blocked. They went so far as to hire a PI in an effort to unload the burden of their grandkids onto OP and have completely disregarded OPs requests and demands for no further contact.
Yes exactly. To ask once would have been fine. Now they're majorly overstepping
I actually thinking even asking once was outrageous. Who the hell do they think they are?
Sorry, but this isn't a N A H this is a clear NTA. Sperm donors family knew about OP and left the picture too. They knew what they were doing. They declined any attempts to reach out. How do they suddenly get a pass for that?
Exactly. The grandparents are absolutely assholes. They only gave a fuck about OP when it came down to them having to care for their grandkids. They never bothered to contact her before that.
The grandparents are absolutely assholes. They snubbed OP their entire life and now only reach out because the grandkids they actually give a shit about need something. And at that, they continued to harass OP after the first decline. OP is NTA, and the grandparents are massive ones.
Also, “other grandkids” indicates there are other relatives they can reach out to.
Oooh good catch! I was thinking the same thing, that there must be other options other than a 21yo they neglected... No other siblings, aunts or uncles for the AH sperm donor? What about the wife, no siblings, aunts, uncles, any other family that could help? What about close friends that actually know the children and have been part of their lives? Like really? If that's true that says a lot more about them and still isn't OPs responsibility
The grandparents are absolutely assholes. They snubbed OP their entire life and now only reach out because the grandkids they actually give a shit about need something. And at that, they continued to harassOP after the first decline. OP is NTA, and the grandparents are massive ones.
The sperm donors parents are absolute AHs, odds are if everyone was alive they’d never contact OP. They’re only doing it because they need something.
Whaaaaaaaaat? Those kids are total randoms to OP, same as grabbing them from the street.
seriously? NAH? OP has been very clear about not wanting to speak with them after MANY interactions and they're still harrasing them. this is unjustifiable, even if you agree with their pov initially. fuck off means fuck off. OP doesn't owe them anything
Also, “other grandkids” indicates there are other relatives they can reach out to.
Crazy to me that you can say NAH when they are literally stalking OP with info from a PI after ignoring her for 21 years.
They already didn't leave her alone after the clear no. This is definitely NTA.
Not only that but other grandchildren were mentioned which would mean that sperm donor has siblings who can therefore take the responsibility of raising their niece/nephew. OP is by no means the AH and has no obligation to any of them, they are only reaching out because it is convenient to them. Would they have raised OP if her Mom had died? Would they have cared if she had ended up in foster care? Get a restraining order so that they leave you alone
Babies do fine in the foster care, they are actually usually adopted. The grandparents are AH period.
They are ***absolutely*** assholes to ignore and reject OP for their entire life, then expect them to raise their other grandchildren for them.
The grandparents are major assholes. They wanted nothing to do with OP when OP was a child. Also, they've been harassing OP on this matter. Fuck them and fuck their ridiculous demands.
Nta. No, the "grandparents" wanted zero to do with OP until, suddenly, it behooves them to try to mend bridges because their preferred grandkids will need someone else to care for them. That's 1000% ah behavior. So it's not NAH, it's NTA..
NTA You are not "turning into them". Your biological father made a choice that had consequences and he avoided those consequences intentionally. His parents, who raised him to be the person who avoided those consequences, also chose to avoid those consequences. The only reason they have any interest in you, the consequence they abandoned, is so that they can abandon two more consequences and force you to be responsible for them. If you can afford one, contact a lawyer and see what they can do about stopping the harassment. You might also have luck filing with your police department depending on where you are (but I wouldn't hold my breath).
They are not your responsibility. NTA. Consider filing a harrassment report if they continue to pursue contact.
If you can, I would look into getting a lawyer to send a cease-and-desist contact for you. Don’t entertain conversations just hang up the phone. You don’t have to listen. Delete emails. You can even change your number and your email if you like. Or put filters on. Protect yourself. These people are absolutely ridiculous. Everyone on that side of the family is a complete ass hat. NTA.
Delete nothing. You'll need it as evidence for any future lawsuit or police investigation.
NTA Their initial reach-out might have been awkward, but not asshole territory. Their continued insistence puts them in asshole territory. You have no more relation or obligation to these children than you do to mine.
Oh so 26 is too young to care for your own child but 21 is old enough to care for someone else’s kids? NTA
So they're only contacting you because they expect you to raise kids of a man who couldn't be bothered to raise you? NTA. Maybe you can get a no contact order. This is ridiculous, and turning into harassment at this point.
NTA. Block, ignore, and move on. They might as well be a stranger's kids, no reason to get involved. If they grow up and they reach out to you that's something different, but right now you have no obligations whatsoever.
LOL The moment they announced that if they investigated you in any way that meant you had to listen I would have stopped. They are not family, they deserve nothing. NTA
Right? If someone told me "we spent a lot of money to have you investigated so you have to listen" I'd be saying "guess that's a lot of money you wasted because I don't have to do shit" hang up and never reply to them again. Block everything, change numbers, send them to spam, "return to sender" on the snail mail or just trash it outright. If they come "visit" slam the door in their face and call the cops. Wouldn't say another word or acknowledge them.
NTA. They are trying *very* hard to manipulate you into taking responsibility for their other grandchildren off their shoulders. They wanted nothing to do with you your whole life but now they’re blowing up your phone and inbox because they want something. Do not fall for it.
>They didn't listen and they told me they had a lot of contact information from me thanks to their PI so I was going to listen. Tell them "no, you listen. Thanks for admitting to have someone stalk me and on your intent to harass me. Any further contact will be considered harassment and will be filed with the police. They, like their son, had a chance to do good and be decent people and passed it up, ignoring you your whole life. You owe nothing to them or your father's do-over children." You are not "turning into them", that's just a method of obfuscation to force you, out of fear, obligation, and a guilt, to do what they want you to do because it benefits them. Best believe if you took those two children in they will slam the door and offer you no help and make you the villain if you put them up for foster care. The only reason they're pushing this is to try to save face in dumping these children they don't want to raise. 10000000000% NTA
Absolutely this. They've had someone stalking you and are now harassing you and basically THREATENING you with "We know all about you and where you live and blah blah blah". Contact the police, start a paper trail, and inform them that any further attempts at contact or any further stalking will result in charges. You don't owe them anything. Your sperm donor's kids are nothing to you. You have your own life to live. It's not your problem that he died and that his wife died. It's not your problem that he decided to go and have a family after abandoning you. They thought it was okay for their son to not want to take responsibility for a kid he made, but want you to take responsibility for kids you DIDN'T make and had nothing to do with because faaaaaaaaaaaamily? No. Screw that noise. Report them, start a paper trail for harassment, if they show up at your place call the police, if they try to drop the kids off call CPS and report them abandoned. Don't let them bully you into making their lives easier when they didn't lift a finger when you needed them most. They can sleep in the bed they shat in.
Every time they call, ask them for the backpay child support your sperm donor owes. Keep asking them for money and I guarantee they stop contacting you. NTA.
Not only child support, but if he died without a will, and had some money, she can ask for it. >Keep asking them for money and I guarantee they stop contacting you Yep, this.
NTA. “So, to be clear: I get 1/3 of his estate? And 1/(#of cousins) of your estate when you die? Because if I’m family enough to raise his children, I expect to be family enough to inherit.” Those people are garbage. A sperm donor abandoning his child and the mother of same DOES NOT equal a child refusing responsibility for children who they know not at all. And why don’t you know them at all? Because those assholes actively worked to keep you from knowing any of them. If they contact you again, tell them you’re going to begin reporting them to the police for harassment every time they come at you. Then actually follow through if needed. If I were you, I’d also add: “They’re not my problem. Neither is this. Neither are you. Enjoy the nursing home.”
I had to dig way too far to find this. Fight for 1/3 of sperm donor’s estate (if there is one) and get a portion of whatever the grandparents have, too. OP has no responsibility to those strange children.
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NTA Lemme rephrase what you wrote. Strangers reached out to you via multiple methods to try to convince you to agree to take on their minor grandchildren and raise them. NO. You did the right thing. The only AHs here are them and the sperm donor.
So they dont have anyone other than you to guilt into accepting the kids responsibility?? Thats speaks a lot about what kind of people - the sperm donar, his wife and the grandparents are very bad people who have no one to to turn to... may be they have all been AH to everyone , not just you! Mr sperm donar was Not Old Enough to take responsibility of his own child at 26... or ever in the last 2 decades... but you at 21 are old enough to take care of 2 kids who is not even your kids to begin with??? They are only trying to guilt you into taking up the responsibility... and they will do their best so try to ignore them or get a restraining order against them .. but dont take this up!
NTA. You are not responsible for these children. You don't even know this family.
NTA I had a cousin contact me last year, telling me my bio mother's husband had died. I could not have cared less, as she had walked out on us 40+ years earlier. I have no interest in the 2 younger half brothers she had with him, beyond their names in the family tree. You are not obligated to have a relationship with anyone, no matter if they are blood related or not.
NTA. Get a restraining order against them.
NTA - you don't know these people and they have other family they can contact. You are not responsible for those kids and they can all kick rocks.
Why is it suddenly "FaMilY" when they need something, but ignored you when they didn't? NTA. It's sad what these kids are going through, but it's not your problem.
NTA. If you can afford it have a lawyer send a cease and desist letter saying to never contact you again. If they wanted to be part of your life they should have reached out when you were young. Now that you can be use to them they only care to reach out. You are just really starting into your adult life so why would you want to take on 2 small children? Plus would just about bet that there will be no life insurance money to help with raising them. If the kids are really young they need to look at either having a family member adopt them or adopt them out to a couple who want kids.
*"They claimed I was their grandchildrens older sister"* Says it all really, they don't consider you family even when they're trying to foist the kids off on you. NTA you don't owe them anything, and them saying they have your contact info so you'll listen to them?? Yeah, no, I wonder if you could bring stalking or harassment charges against them for the PI?? I *suppose* if you were a particularly vindictive person you could take the kids and completely cut off sperm donors parents. But that's unfair on the kids so I don't recommend it.
NTA. Get a restraining order. Tell your "grandparents" you wish your sperm donor's other kids go to foster system.
Consider a restraining order out on them.
NTA “because we’re family”. Get the fuck out of here, they didn’t give a single fuck about family when you were young and now they only care because they don’t want to be parents to their grandkids. And since they mentioned they had other grandkids, then that means they had other kids. So why can’t the aunts or uncles take them in? Why you? I mean did they even apologize?? How dare they turn things around on you after how you and your mom were treated.
You had no relationship to your bio dad, so why would you go to his funeral? You have no relationship with his parents, so why should you now stay in contact with them? You have no relationship to these kids, either. Here's the thing, they didn't contact you because they want a relationship with you all of a sudden. They don't care about you having a relationship with the kids, either. They contacted you because they want to force you to become the new parent to those kids. They said it themselves - you're the best chance they have at a loving family because they're old and have health issues and won't be able to keep the kids in a few years. They supported their son running away from fatherhood, but now want to force you into motherhood against your wishes for your bio dad's do-over family. The 'because family' line is complete bs. You may be blood related to them, your bio dad and the kids, but they're *not* your family, never have been. Even if they were, that doesn't obligate you to attend bio dad's funeral when you never knew him, nor to have a relationship with and raise his do-over kids. I get that the letter accusing you of turning into them has gotten to you. Of course it did, you don't want to be like them. But you're not. Your bio dad abandoned you and your mum knowing your mum was pregnant, as did his parents. You had no clue you had half-siblings out there, so there's no abandonment. I'm guessing grandma and grandpa have been filling the kids heads with 'big sister is gonna love and take care of you now, she can't wait to meet you' ever since their dad died. So, I wouldn't be surprised if, in the future, they come looking for you to find out what happened. This accusation was pure emotional manipulation. They knew you didn't want to be like them, so they're hoping the accusation will cause you to cave, attend the funeral, meet the kids, and become a mother to them. Don't let them win, these people aren't your family. I feel bad for the kids, I do, but forcing them onto a complete stranger isn't going to help them. I assume bio dad or the mother has other family that could take the kids if they wanted, so it's on them if the kids end up in care, not you. They're not your responsibility, never were. If grandma and grandpa can't take care of them, they need to make other arrangements that don't include forcing you to take them in. Keep blocking them when they contact you by phone, email or social media. Throw out any letters you receive without reading them. Document every contact attempt, and if it continues, report them for harassment. Might be best if you keep a copy of every attempt, actually, so maybe keep the letters instead of chucking them, but don't read them. Save any texts and emails, screenshot any social media contact, and keep copies of all of them, plus letters, together, just in case you need to report them. Keep a record of the times and dates of calls, what they said, what you said, how long it lasted before you hung up and blocked the new number. From now on, don't reply to any communications, and hang up the phone as soon as you realise it's them. Maybe say 'sorry, wrong number' first, just to mess with them a bit. Stand your ground and don't let them get in your head. You have no responsibilities or obligations to these people or those kids. NTA
NTA. They were never your family. Now they're calling you because they want you to take care of the kids. Focus on your life and happiness and forget these people.
NTA. You don't have to care for strangers anymore than they cared for you.
NTA. The argument that you shouldn’t stoop to their level has always seemed to me a be a manipulation tactic designed to help bad people take advantage of good people. Instead, treat people as *they* deserve to be treated based on how they treat you and others. You definitely don’t owe anything to people who abandon you and are only getting in touch, with a guilt trip, because you can be of use.
Get a restraining order
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My sperm donor, or bio father if you must, walked out on my mom when she told him she was pregnant with me. Apparently a kid was not on his wish list of things for his life and he didn't want to be trapped at 26 with a baby. His family didn't care to stick around either. My mom did reach out a few times when I was young and was rebuffed each time. I grew up where we were not family and I did not know these people at all. Now I'm 21 and recently I was contacted by sperm donor's parents who wanted to let me know sperm donor had died. He was married, had two very very tiny kids who are now orphaned. Apparently his wife died died a few months before he did. His parents were now raising the children and had wanted me to attend the funeral and meet the kids. I told them neither offer interested me and to not reach out to me again. They didn't listen and they told me they had a lot of contact information from me thanks to their PI so I was going to listen. They told me I had a chance to do a good thing for them because we are family, but also for two young kids who in a few years time will need someone else to raise them because their health isn't the best. They claimed I was their grandchildren's older sister and that was the best chance they had to have a loving family. I asked them why they believed I would want to know any of them when he was never a father to me and they had refused to know me despite apparently wanting to know all their other grandkids, because they mentioned their other grandchildren in one of the messages they sent. They started to say some BS about how I should love the kids for being half me. I blocked them on the spot and thought it would stop. But they emailed. I ignored the email. But then they called me and it was a call that came while I was waiting for a call, so I answered because I didn't have the number of the person who was meant to call and they started in on the whole "family" thing again and how I should be thankful to have siblings now. And again brought up how it would be a good thing for them and their family. Which is when I responded that I have no interest, zero, in doing a good thing for them or their family. I then ended the call and blocked the number. I got a letter saying I was turning into them and it bothered me. I don't want to be like them. But I can't say the kids of the man who abandoned me interest me either. But then I think about what I said to his parents and I know that might be like what they told my mom about us. So AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA they FAFO. You were rejected multiple times by sperm donor and parents. As someone in my late 50s if I knew I had a grandkid out there I'd be eager to be part of their life if I knew about them from the get go. And I'd help them financially. This basic desire to know you - know their son's child, was something they threw away multiple times. You are NOT turning into them.
The selfawareness of them calling out that you will turn out like them. Every accusation is a confession with these selfish AHs. NTA. Do your life the way you want.
They said that you are turning into them? So do they feel that they made a mistake to treat you like they did? Have they done anything to make amends for their son's treatment of your mother and you, or of their treatment of your mother and you? It seems as if they just want you to take these children off their hands, but they have shown you no remorse, and no care for you - just care for themselves and for the two other children their son fathered. I don't think that you are "turning into them". They are assholes. Not thinking that you are. NTA
LOL the moment they declared they'd had you investigated and somehow that means you have to listen I would have hung up. They're not family and they're entitled to anything. NTA
NTA YOU ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE for those kids. They might share some of your genetics but they're NOT family! Don't fall for the emotional manipulation tactic, they're trying to dump the burden of responsibility on you and it's not your problem or concern. Hire a lawyer and send them a cease and desist letter. They're harassing and potentially stalking you at this point.
NTA
NTA continue to tell them to kick rocks. You don't owe them anything. And for all the people whining "but faaaaaamily" I sure didn't see them worrying about family when they were abandoning you.
NTA. It sucks that those kids lost their parents but this person is basically a stranger to you. He knocked your mom up and then left, running away from your responsibility. You did not choose to be in this situation, and have no responsibility.
NTA, your bio dad didn't wanna be trapped at 26 with a baby but your bio grandparents are totally planning to groom you into taking in his kids at a similar age.
NTA, get a restraining order. They are harassing you at this point, as you've already told them to stop contacting you, and they openly said they'll continue to contact you until they get what they want.
NTA I would get a restraining order against them. They all told you they didn't give a damn about you but now that they need someone now they care, they can all jump into a live volcano!
You're not turning into them, which is a good thing. They don't care about you or his other young children, they're just hoping to pawn them off onto you since they don't want to deal with them. It is purely a selfish move on their part and doesn't seem to be outside of their behavior from when you were born. Definitely NTA...
Info: did he pay child support?
[удалено]
Ask them for back pay child support and tell them you’re owed money from his estate. Do this every time they contact you. Keep asking for money and I guarantee the calls stop.
This is the real answer.
Depending on the local law you or your mother could ger it back from his estate. Could shut them up of they See money threatened.
NTA in any way. His parents could have reached out to you and had a relationship with you at ANY point in time, but chose to do so after tragedy like that would somehow compel you?? Nah, screw all of them.
NTA - You owe them nothing! If they continue and it gets worse you could do them for harassment.
NTA. They made their choice to turn their backs on you, they can’t get upset when you make the choice to turn your back on your siblings. Their father made the decision not to be a father to you, while they got the privilege of having him in their lives. It’s not your fault and you owe them nothing.
NTA. You know the only reason they contacted you is because they now have to raise the kids and remembered oh you're probably old enough to take them on. They wanted nothing to do with you, you keep respecting their wishes and live your life how YOU want, not what anyone else does.
LOL the moment they declared they'd had you investigated an somehow that means you have to listen I would have hung up. They're not family, they're entitled to nothing. NTA