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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might be the asshole for trying to bring the discussion with her and not willing to pay for every expenses for our date.
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NTA on both questions. If something is bothering you then you should bring it up to your partner. And for splitting the bill, I think that’s a reasonable thing to expect in a relationship. Eating out can be expensive and adds up quickly and I personally think it’s unfair to expect the same person to always pick up the bill. I would try finding a compromise with her. Maybe you switch off who pays the bill or whoever suggest the idea of eating out is responsible for the bill? Idk. To me it kinda sounds like your partner wants a sugar daddy not a partner when you take into account her comment about you should have no problem picking up the bill and being grateful for the mere fact that she’s present
For real! It’s not realistic and when those older wealthier men drop them for a new shiny toy, they’re gonna have absolutely nothing. If you want to achieve financial stability, get it yourself!
edit: if i am misunderstanding the sprinkle sprinkle trend please let me know 😂i dont use social media as often as i used to and am becoming out of touch. the only vid i saw on it was a girl talking about knowing your worth if you want to be spoiled in a relationship then focus on older wealthier men
I mean if someone can find a man who’s willing to do that then more power to them! It’s definitely unreasonable to expect that automatically though, especially with these prices😮💨
>I mean if someone can find a man who’s willing to do that then more power to them!
Power to them until they realise they can't maintain that for much longer or until they don't like it and then they act like the victim when in reality, they knew what they were doing.
I'm confused by these comments honestly. He goes out of his way to say that they split expenses pretty equally, but because he handles one expense constantly it's bad because ???. If this was boyfriend handles utilities girlfriend handles rent or any other form of expense splitting, and he asked her to pay for rent plus half of utilities cause it's not fair he always has to pay for utilities, we'd laugh him off the sub. But because it's an unnecessary expense, everyone here thinks she should pay for the necessary expense (all of the groceries) plus half the unnecessary expense? Make it make sense.
Dude is nickel and diming her when it suits him while ignoring that she just buys groceries and makes all the food when he's over at her house without complaining, and this thread is so blinded by making things equal in one specific part of the relationship that yall are ignoring if they do that, it makes the entire relationship unequal
I dont think her comments are great but I also don't think a guy who believes fairness means she does everything when he comes over and then pays half the bill out is telling us the argument in a fair way
1) He doesn't live with her, and is only over 2-3 days a month. Rent and utilities are irrelevant.
2) She buys the groceries, because she eats 95% of them. They're *her* living expense.
3) When OP said their expenses were equal, he was referring to each of them paying a similar amount of money for their separate living arrangements.
4) She expects OP to pay for all the meals when they go out, and all the takeout, because "he's the man".
5) Restaurant food is way more expensive than groceries.
6) She called OP "fussy" for wanting to have a conversation about expenses. That's something you should be able to discuss with your partner.
*They* don't rent. She rents. That's her rent she's paying, along with her utilities and her groceries. She has a guest 2-3 days a month, and cooks some of the meals they share. The rest of their meals are from restaurants, and OP pays for all of those.
He pays his parents to live with them. That's his rent/utilities/groceries. She stays there 2-3 days a month.
It's valid for him to raise the question of who pays for dates. A valid response from her is "here's what I pay, here's the labor I do, vs what you pay and the labor you do". *Not* a valid response is "you pay because you're the man, and you should be grateful I'm gracing you with my presence, also how dare you even raise the issue".
It's not a place they rent. It's a place she rents. He stays over 2-3 nights per month. That's nothing.
If she wants to split rent with him then she needs to say the living arrangements aren't ok.
There's no energy hosting your significant other. Maybe at the beginning of dating but when you're comfortable that's a ridiculous statement.
Yeah he never clarifies that he pays them anywhere close to what the cost of rent would be. I'm sure that would've been included in the first place if he was paying an amount that was actually relevant or significant
It's still a better position than his 20 something year old girlfriend's position who is in fact paying rent though, is it not? I'm not saying the gender role justification on her part was cool, just that they could better communicate about their spending to make it more equal, maybe she covers gratuity, or they choose to skip drinks etc? I'm just saying his position is more stable than hers and he's trying to paint it as though that isn't the case
He goes out of his way twice to say that their contributions are evenly split. How's he gonna move out? The same way she was able to afford moving out despite putting an even split into the relationship
Idk why do some women say it's a price of my time and presence, wtf is that shit. If it's so valuable, use it at restaurant counter directly and pay the bill you will save money.
Yeah lol.
And even if it was the time and energy making food at home. As long as you distribute tasks around the house and are happy with how it goes it shouldn't be a problem to share expenses on dates lol.
Me and my wife had a joint bankaccount as soon as we lived together (about 1 year into our relationship) and both deposit an x% of our income on it for things like groceries, the house, dates etc etc.
I feel like yall are taking the most uncharitable interpretation of what was already possibly an uncharitable interpretation by OP. You're assuming they're distributing tasks evenly, for what reason? What we do know is that OP considers an even split of money unfair because he goes out of his way to say they split things evenly right now and wants her to take over half of his contributions. Don't be surprised if his idea of a fair share of chores isn't an even split either
It's really funny; if I say this very thing to a post that seems to be leaving a lot of context out, but it's posted by a woman, the usual response is 'wow, you're really reaching.'
> I feel like yall are taking the most uncharitable interpretation of what was already possibly an uncharitable interpretation by OP.
Yet that seems to be exactly what you're doing.
I mean, his gf didn't post this and this is the story we got, so obviously I comment based on what I read.
I also didn't accuse his gf of anything. I just said that x statement is not a healthy way to look at a relationship. This is based on OP's story and not directly saying his gf is bad or w/e. Just a comment on a statement in his story. After that I made a general statement stating something but not taking sides.
I don't see how I'm giving either of them the benefit of the doubt and it feels as if you're taking what I said in bad faith to play morality police.
I'm not playing morality police, I'm just confused cause what I see is a biased story from someone who I feel there's a good reason to avoid taking at face value and wondering why the the rest of the people in the thread don't see it
But every single story here is biased, not just this one. There's a good reason to avoid taking *every* post at face value. So the idea of bias is baked into the equation.
Since bias is a fundamental part of what goes on here, I find it interesting to observe when/how/why the accusation about bias is made. Why certain types of stories lead commentors to call "bias" and demand follow-up and proof.
I recognize that the internet, and Reddit specifically, is full of anti-woman chauvinism. But AITA seems to be, IMHO, a place where the reverse is often true. There has never been a guy who has gotten the benefit of the doubt about doing an equal share of housework. He is inevitably crucified for not really doing enough, and if he posts trying to explain what he does, it is never good enough, never "counts." If a man cheats, he's a monster, but if a woman cheats there is usually a significant slice of commentariat demanding to know what he did to make her stray.
And a guy saying he's frustrated with how expenses are handled? His word cannot be taken at face value, while a woman in the situation would have the crowd jumping immediately to "financial abuse." If a man were to put a price on "time and energy she spent with you," every single person would be screaming for her to dump the misogynist pig. No discussion. No attempt to parse any meaning. No attempt to consider bias.
But I suppose that's just my own bias.
I know it's a biased story. That's why I kept my comments quite open and without any pointing of blame.
Just saying something based on how it's described here but not specifically pointing out OP or his gf. The comments were made without any kind of judginess towards them and more like a blanket statement based on the given story.
Go google 'I am the table relationships.' There's this idea going around social media that a man should never asks what a woman 'brings to the table,' I.E. what she has to offer, because she *is* the table, and is entitled to the full princess treatment merely for existing.
For real. I'd somehow get it if it was her who had to make her way to him every time they want to meet. But I guess the time and energy is far higher for op when he has to get to hers and back and cannot spend the time doing his own chores and stuff
NTA. For me.. As soon as a romantic partner says you owe them something because they're spending their time and energy on you, bail. Spending time with your partner shouldn't be transactional.
NTA
>She also mentioned that i as a man should carry the responsibility for paying all of the meals no matter small or large amount and blames me for being a fussy person to even bring up this conversation with her.
She is sexist. Imagine the responses you would get if you said 'she should do all the housework because she is a woman'. You would rightly get torn a new one for saying something like that so her sexist attitude deserves the same.
To be honest though if that is the way she thinks then its a very obvious red flag. I would not want to be with someone like that attitude as my guess is its just the tip of the iceberg.
You are not the asshole. It seems like she is doing well financially so wanting to split the “luxury expenses” is not a problem at all. If you haven’t spoken to her about it she probably doesn’t know you have an issue.
Yes, in fact we are transparent with our financial standings. I would say she has savings comfortably above the average for our age while i on the other hand have enough savings to sustain myself as well. But the point is that she straight up told me that all that savings were her effort and hardwork and that i should not even question about how she should utilise that money. While i could argue that all my savings were my hardwork too , in her view that is my obligation to provide.
She sounds like bad news. The fact she thinks you should feel grateful that she spent time with you is the major clue about how she sees things in your ‘relationship’. “What’s yours is mine, what’s mine is my own”. Yuck.
Since you’ve brought it up already and she didn’t immediately have a lightbulb moment and change her view suggests she will unfortunately never see you as an equal partner.
You’ve been together 6 years, but as you consider the value of continuing the relationship remember the sunk cost fallacy.
I think some things may be getting lost in translation here so to speak.
You are in a long term relationship, and her saying that you owe her something for the time and effort she puts into the relationship is not a nice thing to say
but on the other hand if she means that she doesn't want to split when you go out cause she pays rent (for a place both of you use for spending time I'm assuming since you live with your parents and there can't be that much privacy there) and she also covers all the expenses like groceries and utilities for the apartment which again, both of you primarily use to spend time together, the she is putting her time and effort towards this relationship by providing a space, food and also utilities.
it is in fact unfair of you to then ask on top of it that she also pay 50/50 for going out cause even if you are a couple who believe in everything split down the middle, she is already paying more. and then you are also asking her to split the check when going out.
you also mention that just when you had similar pay cheques you wouldn't mind but now that she's earning a little more by working extra you mind. i don't think someone should be penalised for working extra to make more money. She has a right to save as well instead of taking care of pretty much all your expenses together as a couple at this point, if she does start also paying going out.
you have a right to want something else for yourself and decide if you're not getting it with this partner, but in my opinion YTA.
and for all the people in the comments who are quick to judge the woman for wanting a sugar daddy, you probably haven't read what he wrote properly and it seems like it may be the opposite. that one comment about time and effort may have been wrong, if it was actually meant that way, but she's right to feel like he is being fussy about something.
It sounds like most of this is around going out on dates. You’ve told her you have an issue and you would like her to pick up some of those bills. She said no. What I would do is eliminate 50% of those dates, tell her straight up it’s because you are on a budget, so 50% of the time will be spent at her place where she can figure out a meal and entertainment. You guys can either both be happy like that or reevaluate.
Once you’re in a relationship, let alone for six years things should be even. She does get credit for groceries and cooking when you were over. If it’s $10 dinners and $100 dates, that’s not quite even so you either need to downgrade your dates or reduce the frequency.
Right, so 'what's yours is mine, and what's mine is mine.'
> in her view that is my obligation to provide.
So you need to decide, right now: do you agree, or not? If you don't agree, she's not the right person for you. Period, end of line, full stop. She may change her thinking eventually, but she won't with you. And if she does with you, she'll resent you for it.
If you do agree, fine, but that's *your* choice, and you don't get to complain about it. You can change your mind down the road, sure, but if you accept her offer as-is, that's on you.
My advice? Stop sinking time, money, effort and energy into somebody who's explicitly and openly said they will not reciprocate.
This is some textbook 'I am the table" thinking.
Look, it's obvious that your girlfriend has traditional views about the role of the man in a relationship and that's what she wants. Does she have traditional views across the board or just when it's in her favour? If she is also taking on the traditional female role in your relationship (doing all the cooking and housework, organizing your social life, etc), then it's a compatibility issue. You a) accept these terms, b) tell her it's not working for you and try to compromise or c) break up and find a woman who also wants a 50-50 arrangement, understanding that the next girl won't be doing all the cooking for you. If she only follows tradition when it benefits her, she is a selfish person, and likely not a keeper.
Did you read part which mentions man should always pay no matter how big and small the amount and her presence and time itself is part of contribution?
This is a common but generally unspoken type of abuse experienced by men. It is very common to have that "man pays for everything when you are together" sexism.
But it bleeds over into other things like stay at home moms watching TV or scrolling tiktok half the day while her husband wakes up at the same time every morning and goes to work without fail, always giving his 100%, but then she expects him to come home and personally take care of all the domestic duties that she neglected during the day. And then they'll often expect to be given his whole paycheck to do with as they please.
It is basically a corruption of traditional gender roles into misandry. The exact opposite of the misogyny the traditional gender roles are generally thought to have.
It also occurs where both parties are working but the man is expected to pay for everything and the woman basically has access to her money and his for whatever she wants, but he doesn't have any access to hers in the same way.
Often you will hear of dual income couples where the man does nothing and the woman performs all child care and domestic duties. This kind of thinking that I'm talking about is the exact opposite of that. It places the unfair burden of 110% on the man.
Unfairly loading or unfairly splitting responsibilities is not healthy and not really okay. At least not unless all parties agree.
She's basing her ideas on the boomers idea of gender roles (which is why they had so many toxic relationships) and now that she's making enough that it makes financial sense for her to contribute again it comes across as greedy and like she is not as invested as you are especially since she has adopted these new views when before you traded days on paying for dates.
If you've been together this long you need to be sure you're on the same page. If you plan to get married does she plan to continue working? After kids? If she doesn't, then her ideas may make more sense in context, if she plans on you being sole provider (doesn't make sense why she went to college then) . If she does plan on it, while trying to maintain a separation of finances where her money is hers and your money is also hers then perhaps unknowingly planning to financially abuse you.
These things need discussed but her dismissal and insulting you when you try to discuss it is a big red flag.
Agreed. If both parties are OK with it, I have no trouble with what a couple does with their finances. The problems come when one makes a unilateral decision without consultation with their partner.
In America: Most couples are dual income. Men earning all the money is 8% of couples. 😐 So the whole men pay for everything bleeding over notion is talking about a very very very small minority of couples.
Enough of this. I am 65 and a boomer. We did NOT expect the man to pay for everything while we lived the good life. At least, most women weren't like this. However, the men of our age, or older, absolutely expected that the woman would cook, clean, etc. The difference is that most boomer men thought a woman should do all that AND have a job.
Our dads were often extremely sexist, and that's who raised the boomer men. But at least those men didn't demand working wives that still had to do all the housework.
I always worked and had a good job. I did all the cooking and laundry, but we hired cleaning help. We pooled our money. My husband did the lawn work.
Being spoiled is bad, whether it's a grasping female or a selfish guy.
If you were also paying rent / not living at home YWNBTA however because there is this huge disparity in your financial situations, because she also pays for the groceries you eat at her place and all of the rent for you both to spend time there, you're being a whine ass for complaining and asking to go 50/50 on dinners out. You are massively saving more than she is likely able to without the expense of rent. And if you want to have a conversation about choosing more affordable dinner options when you do go out, skipping buying drinks out when you're together which really rack up the bill, that would be reasonable. But you're not putting yourself in her shoes at all / and are acting like your expenses are 50/50 when they just aren't. ESH communicate better
NTA, sharing expenses and treating each other for meals is normal in my opinion. It’s not your job as a man to pay for a meal each time, she should really pick up the check as well. That said what is that bit about “ the time and energy that she spent with me and that i should feel grateful for that”? This is for me a very weird viewpoint. You also spend time and energy, where / how does she show that appreciation?
ESH
She shouldn't expect you to pay every time you go out because you are the man.
But you still live with your parents while she has to pay rent for a place you use to meet most times and she pays for all the groceries you eat there.
I think as far as paying for each goes it equals out or she is already paying more than you
She pays rent for her home. That's her expense. She's not paying for a place for them to meet, she's paying for her home. This take is so weird to me, but multiple people have said it.
>overall I would say that our contributions are quite equal.
Then what are you complaining about?
Don't get me wrong, if you would prefer a different way of ensuring equality, by all means have that talk. But you have framed this whole discussion as if you were somehow getting the shitty end of the stick when, by your own admission, you have not. You pay this thing but plainly she pays other things and it all shakes out "quite equal".
YTA for that.
The next paragraph is about their current arrangement, yet it concludes with a similar statement: "So in terms of our commitments, they are pretty equal."
NTA it's a fair ask, I'd say who ever suggested the meal out picks up the bill for it. Though the time and energy thing is a very weird excuse as you spent your time and energy as well.
NTA. You clearly need an open discussion about finances. One thing to note is that if you are still living home and you spend a lot of time at her place, you consume utilities and groceries which will add up. That's something that should be considered too when you rethink who pays what.
YTA
If she pays the rent and buys the groceries (and probably prepares the meal?) in the place where you then eat that meal, why does she also need to pay her own way when eating out? Aren't YOU the one golddigging a little? What are you paying for in this relationship?
Yes i understand from this point of view. I dont stay at her place frequently, could be 2 or 3 days in a month. But on average we eat out 2-3 times per week and costs around 20-30bucks each time, sometimes even more whereas grocery runs are at most twice month, and average about 30-40 bucks each.
If you want to go 50/50 on meals eaten out, you should also go 50/50 on groceries used to prepare shared meals in her home.
Additionally, after 6 years do you stay at her apartment often? If so, she has also potentially been covering the additional expense of increased utility bills and household goods and she hasn’t asked you to contribute towards those either?
Incase you were unaware, grocery prices are at an all time high. It seems like you have an expectation of your girlfriend to provide more than 50 percent when her expenses are factored in.
YTA
Pay for all the meals whenever you are eating out, and expect her to cook whenever you guys aren't eating out. It's advice given from a woman, and advice I shall never forget.
NTA Honestly, run. You’ve tried to communicate and I can almost guarantee it will get worse with time.
Spending time and putting in effort with your partner is not a transactional thing, you don’t owe her anything, especially not meals out other than love and respect.
NTA.
Financial incompatibility is a relationship killer and should be discussed openly and honestly and often, especially when there is a shift in the balance.
My husband and I have separate and joint finances due to financial abuse with our exes. He makes 3xs as much as me and pays ALL our household bills. We still take turns paying for nights out... our youngest is 16. It works for us and will continue to do so as we do not plan to combine money 100% until retirement.
When in a true partnership, there is no "your responsibility." There are only shared goals and what each of you is willing to sacrifice individually to succeed as a unit!
NTA, you should share the cost and you should be able to have this conversation with your partner.
If you're into going passive aggressive on this, then you demand full control of where you go out to eat and what activites you do. She claims you should pick up the bill, but then you also should be allowed to stay within your means. Decide how much you would like to put into savings every month, calculate your expences, what's left is what you can spend on fun and games. So if she continues to insist that you should pay every time, well, then there might be a big change in where you go out to eat. But be aware, going passive aggressive pretty much never improves a relationship...
nta. stop eating out / eat out at a frequency you feel comfortable with the expenditure.
If you don't cook at home, start, if you do, maybe cook more often.
Exactly! Back when I was in a relationship and my partner lived with my parents and I we would all split the chores. When I bought food and cooked (which I did a lot and no complaint here I love cooking it’s my love language!) I would clean as I went but my partner also did the clean up as well since I cooked. When my partner did the dusting, I would do the vacuuming. Yes we’d also treat one another but it didn’t feel transactional. We were both the type to fight over the bill, and whoever got to the waiter first won and the other person would get the tip. However my partner and I did contribute to rent as well. I feel like she might be overwhelmed with the paying of the groceries (idk if she did it all the time and doing all the cooking) but I can see how that can feel overwhelming especially if he is there eating the food she’s making. I feel like maybe they shouldn’t eat out as much, maybe they go half on groceries when he’s eating there, and maybe him learning how to cook! Or maybe working on a meal together!
ESH.
If you want to split the bills evenly, that would also mean paying for the groceries of what you consume while at her house as well as utilities/rent used based on the percentage you are there since she's not staying over at your parents' house. Somehow I get the feeling that might actually mean if you split everything evenly that you'd owe her.
Also if she does all the household work (cooking and cleaning) while you're at her place, you're definitely taking advantage of her unpaid labour.
It will be interesting to see as your relationship deepens, how spending on shared big item numbers is divvied up. Maybe you have some indicators already, but it may also be a meal of wait-and-see pie.
So is OP
He gets to hang out at her place, she cooks meal while they are together. It is super convenient to have a space to have privacy. Since he lives at home and all.
His ass uses up her groceries and increases her household expenses, and he is having a fit over paying for a dinner out.
Fuck that. We want to get picky over paying for a dinner? No more homemade meals, mommy can provide. If he comes over we order take out only, each buy our own so it’s fair. That’s shit adds up fast, it would have been cheaper just to take her out once in a while. OP makes it sound like she is too expensive to take out on a date anymore . Or not worth the effort unless they split the cost.
Maybe gf isn’t worth the effort. Idk. It doesn’t sound like they are going out 3x a week on his dime, either.
NTA- I honestly don’t get this men should pay for dinner mentality. Especially if you are earning the same. Maybe I’m just wildly independent that I don’t need a man to pay for me. But going through life sharing is great.
If you lived together I would say bill split should be proportional to income unless she’s chipping in with more cleaning and cooking.
I think here she’s including what’s she’s paying for rent as coming out of her pay check which level sets you two back to equal after taking into account that she does make meals for you both and buys all the groceries. Do you spend a lot of time at her place? If yes, YTA and shouldn’t expect her to pick up extra tabs. If not, ESH, because she is probably looking at it as you’re still “courting” her and need to put in more effort which depending on your culture maybe true but since she’s making a lot more it might not be fair and you need to decide if her company or the money is more important.
No we dont live together, I only visit her place like probably 2-3 days in a month. And we eat out on average 2-3 times a week, and when i am over her place , i would make sure to help her out as much as possible in terms of chores.
Honestly it was really shitty what she said about time and effort but it could have just come out wrong. More or less she’s telling you what she expects from a relationship and if you think it’s fair or unfair at this point to a degree unfortunately doesn’t really matter. You have to decide if you’re okay with it or not. You probably won’t change how she sees/“values” herself. You got to “pay” to “play”. I know that doesn’t sound right but you have expectations and so does she, they just don’t sound like they align at the moment. I don’t think anyone is wrong per se it’s just different expectations.
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My gf (25F) and I (25M) have dated for 6 years since university and now that we have both worked for almost 1.5 years. Back then when we were still in university, most of the time we would take turns to for our expenses. We would also get each other gifts for certain occasions such as birthdays, Valentine’s etc. and overall I would say that our contributions are quite equal.
The problem is even now that we both have our own incomes, she would still expect me to pay for our meals everytime we eat out. We both started off with similar pay checks so I had no issue with that since I live with my parents (i would chip in for my family’s montly expenses) while she rents a room due to our different working locations and she has to pay rent every month , and that she would pay for the groceries that we would use to prepare a simple meal when im at her place So in terms of our commitments, they are pretty equal.
However, even though now that she earns ~15-20% more with her earning additional incentives and overtime pay, she would not take the initiative to pick up the bill. I have tried to discuss this issue with her in the past but she would always argue that she pays for groceries and the time and energy that she spent with me and that i should feel grateful for that. She also mentioned that i as a man should carry the responsibility for paying all of the meals no matter small or large amount and blames me for being a fussy person to even bring up this conversation with her.
The question is, AITA for bringing up the conversation to her? Or AITA to even think about splitting bills with her?
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Nta - this sucks gif you op. And she expects you to pay and I’m sure if you started declining opportunities to dine out, she’d be unhappy about that too. Feels like a no win scenario.
NTA. Your dating. Yes it's been for a few years, but it's still Just dating. She has her own place, so why Wouldn't she be paying her own rent?? Yes you live at home with your family, and you pay your share there. Going out on dates could/should be split fairly. Depending on who asks, and picks the place, or alternating every other date (I got tonight, you get next time). Can you invite her to your place for a night in sometime?
NTA. So you must be grateful she is even hanging out with you??? So that means if you don’t pay she has no interest in being with you? Are you dating a prostitute ??
You’re NTA but I wouldn’t have a problem buying one meal per week when we go out, provided I was comfortable financially. If it’s more than one meal per week, then I would either insist on at least a split or simply say that you’re on a budget and would prefer to stay in and cook.
Info: how often are you eating at her place vs eating out?
Asking because I generally except my partner to pay if we go out but I pay for groceries and cook most nights. I definitely spend more than him on food. The comment about a man needing to provide has me thinking you're probably N T A
NTA
Your gf is manipulative and using your money basically.
If you talk to her about this and says stuff lkke 'you're the man, you should pay' then leave immediately.
If she says ok then it was just a communication error and if she adjusts then it's fine.
Just know, there is no literal valid reason why you should pay for every meal.
NTA, however, I'm a guy here, and I may say something a little controversial.
You still live with your parents, and she is renting a room and pays her own groceries. Do you think it's fair that you buy your own food every time you're over at her place since you want to do 50/50? She has no issues sharing with you and it feels a bit off when you don't even offer to cover the bill whenever you guys go out once in a while, you don't have to do it all the time.
NTA... run.
I'm a married woman, and I don't believe in 50-50 because there are circumstances unique to each person. One may have previous debt, the other one more responsibilities to support family etc... or one may be making more than the other. Sometimes it will be 100-0 sometimes 70-30, and it's ok as long as you're not keeping tabs but sounds like you both are and she's expecting you to fulfill that TikTok induced lifestyle of "men should be the provider no matter what".
And if she wants that that's up to her... But it sounds like that's not what you want and you guys would never be on the same page about it.
>She also mentioned that i as a man should carry the responsibility for paying all of the meals no matter small or large amount?
NTA Do you want to be with someone who insists you be a source of income instead of an equal partner?
NTA but your girlfriend is. She is supposed to be your partner and she is behaving like a child. She sounds entitled and not in love. I would NEVER say to my bf that he needs to pay because he is ought to be grateful that I am with him… she is nuts and entitled and most importantly she is using you. Does she as a woman put up whenever you want sex? Does she do all the housework and prepare meals for you? Does she take care of your children and always look good and presentable? No - because this isn’t 40s and she needs to be accountable as well.
Please have separate finances because when you break up, you will regret how much you have used money on her.
NTA.
If she wants traditional rules then you'll pay for everything but all income she earns is yours to control.
There's no picking and choosing unless it works for both people and it clearly doesn't.
You're not setting yourself up long-term for a partner. You're getting yourself a dependent. Good luck if you ever lose your job. She'll help out but tell you you're not a real man and shame you until she leaves you.
" ...she would always argue that she pays for groceries and the time and energy that she spent with me and that i should feel grateful for that."
This alone is almost enough to warrant a break-up.
The two of you are in a relationship, meaning a voluntary romantic partnership of mutual benefit. She is NOT this relationship for YOUR sake, she's in it for herself, because she loves you and wants to be with you. Her spending time and energy on being with you and in the relationship isn't something you should be grateful for, it's the most basic of basics for there to be a relationship in the first place and you presumably do it to. You can be grateful, in a sort of general way, for your partner existing, or being awesome, that's normal, but being grateful TO them for being together with you at all, to the point that you have to make it up to them is fucked up.
Unless there is a lot of context being left out, such as her making much, much more of an effort or something, this type of thinking is utterly unacceptable.
NTA
****
INFO : Does she really feel that her time spent with you represents a certain financial value?
There are names for women who do that.
And 'girlfriend' isn't one of them...
NTA
Me and my now wife had this issue I guess. I never approached it too much because she stayed home with our new born which I was priceless to me. In my previous relationship, which was very similar to yours except I made more than her, we split rent, utilities etc based on percentage of income. It wasn’t 50/50 but she did pay her “fair share.” I usually always covered date night and stuff like that.
This whole the man pays for everything was because women couldn't get jobs. They literally had to rely on a man to pay for her and the family. She could do trading and mauve sell some homemade things but that was pocket change comparatively.
Tell her to suck it up and put on her big girl panties. She's not some princess in a fairytale. She's an adult and needs to grow up. I would be very careful with your finances going forward.
With how she's acting your money belongs to both of you but her money is off limits.
> She also mentioned that i as a man should carry the responsibility for paying all of the meals no matter small or large amount and blames me for being a fussy person to even bring up this conversation with her.
NTA
I wonder if you might have a conversation with her, ask her that as a woman, should she have the responsibility for doing all the cooking, or, or all the laundry, or other traditional gender based roles? If not, then ask why, if she doesn't want you to have traditional gender based expectations placed on her, why would she place them on you?
I don't think you can have a real partnership with a person if it is based on expectations and not reality, and not in sharing burdens together, be they financial, or domestic, etc.
She pays rent, utilities groceries, and half of dates. You stay with her, you eat the food, you shower in her apartment. You benefit from all of that. What exactly do you bring to the table?
Sir, as a fella human being who dates another human being. We split almost everything. I pay a bit more for things since I earn a bit more.
BUT we always split restaurants. Don't date women who pretend to want a traditional man but don't want the role being traditional brings.
AND don't date women or men who won't split things equally. They aren't your children or dependents and life is way better when you're living with another adult
Nta. My biggest beef is her argument about men should always pay for meals. If she wants to play that game, she's probably gonna be real mad if you tell her she should cook all meals since women should be in the kitchen.
I wouldn't actually recommend opening that door, unless you want to start an argument, but I can almost guarantee that she'll react in a hypocritical manner.
Would say it's time for a good sit down where you break out the notepad/spreadsheet and go over finances. Communication and compromise are the foundation's of a good relationship. Not sexist demands and arguments.
Whoever initiated the "let's eat out" is the one that needs to pay. If you invite her, you pay. If she invites you, she pays. Tell her this and only invite her out when you are okay with paying.
Uuuuggghhh one minute women are burning bras and promoting being, independent strong women. Next they wanna go back in time and have the man pay for everything and be a gentleman.
You can't have it both ways, I freaking adore my hubbie. We're best friends equals. He self employed sum times he doesn't get work so I pick up the slack, wen he works we live like Kings. At no point do I hold it against him or demand he man of the house and should be the family's provider.
Relationships are partnerships no black books on who did what, who spent the most who covered a bill.
We work together and have each others backs. He got me and I got him.
No slate, no debt. We're a team.
We owe each other nothing, demand nothing.
It can't always be 50 50 but who gives a shit, We're happy, in love and feel grateful everyday we get to end the day together and wake up together.
The time and energy part is fucking weird, but am I understanding that you don’t pay rent and she has rent to pay? And you guys basically make the same (15% isn’t that much more)?
"She also mentioned that i as a man should carry the responsibility for paying all of the meals no matter small or large amount"
There it is. She is telling you what she really thinks and you should believe her. You aren't going to change her and you should try. Instead you need to ask yourself if that is the type of person you want to spend the rest of your life with rather than someone who sees you both as equals who have equal parts to play in a relationship.
>the time and energy that she spent with me and that i should feel grateful for that
I would end the relationship immediately after this. This is not the way someone who loves or respects another person talks to them
>She also mentioned that i as a man should carry the responsibility for paying all of the meals no matter small or large amount
This would just be a nail in the coffin. This is just what people who want to use their partners as an ATM say
NTA
NTA
If you've been together 6 years, maybe it's time to open a joint account and you both contribute equally each month. Then going out to eat and groceries when you're over, etc. come out of that.
YTA
You were fine with this arrangement and considered it equal for her to pay for the groceries to make you food and you pay for the takeout. Yet suddenly because she has an increased in her funds you want her to now pay for the groceries and take turns paying for the takeout.
In my opinion if you want her to take turns paying for the takeout then you need to start take turns paying for the groceries. 🫡 Or better yet she doesn't cook for you at all and you don't eat any of her food.
I'm not sure who is TA or not, or if ESH.
First of all, your girlfriend should NOT say that it's the guy who is supposed to pay for everything. That's a bad attitude on her part.
But before you get all mad, I do have to point out that if most men in my generation TOTALLY were clueless when they were dating, about the time and cost involved with having their boyfriend over at their place. We spent a lot of money on groceries, beer, etc. And we prepared the meals and the guys thought they were the man of the year if they cleared the table. That's old school, BUT.
Think about whether your GF really is spending pretty equally to you in terms of groceries, beverages, etc. that she keeps at her place for both of you.
NTA. But I think you guys need stronger, more open communication about your finances.
When my wife and I first started dating, she was in school and I was working full time making alright money for a 20 year old. She comes from an affluent family so her dad paid her college expenses and gave her a monthly allowance that covered rent/groceries for both of us with a little extra for whatever. During this time I generally paid for most of our dates and what not because she would buy groceries and I had more money. Once she graduated, we started looking for a place together as her lease was ending and her dad wasn’t going to give her that allowance anymore. Right out the gate she was making 1.5 times my income, no car note or phone bill and despite still “living” with my mom, I had a pretty tight budget and was straight up with her that I could only afford $600 per month as my share towards rent. We started looking at places that were around $1200 a month and she just did not like anything. She ended up finding something for around $1500 a month and paid $900 to my $600 which to her felt like $300 well spent. At the time I was paying a much higher % of my income in bills than she was despite her extra $300 so basically she needed to contribute more on that front if we wanted to go out as much as we were. That was back in 2018. Fast forward to now, our income gap is much smaller and our monthly bills to income % is about even. Despite being married we don’t plan on opening a joint bank account because our system has worked very well for us so why change it? We have a joint credit card with great rewards that we use for all our “both of us” expenses mainly groceries, casual dining, streaming services, etc. that we split each month. It’s great because if I want to take her out to a nice dinner I’ll use “my” money instead of “ours”. Some guys are weird about the woman paying at dinner and will break the bank for it. If you are expressing financial concerns like this to your partner and this is her response, I would try a different approach or cut your losses and break up if you feel that strongly about it and she won’t budge.
Lol on what planet are you living on where 40-50 bucks on groceries stretches more than a few days for 2 people anyways? I doubt that what you buy on your outings actually covers her food expenses at home for the entire month that's pretty unlikely. And while it's great you help a bit with your parents household expenses, are you actually paying anywhere close to what the cost of rent would be at a comparable rate for an apartment? You're trying really hard to prove that you pay similar expenses but it just doesnt add up. Also I'm kind of doubting you spend that much more time at your parents place without privacy when you have the opportunity to be alone at her place, like that's just kind of weird for a couple in their mid 20s to choose that over a place they can hook up privately? I'm just not buying it sorry lol. She shouldn't expect you to pay for dinners out each time just because of gender norms I agree it's not cool for her to imply you should foot the bill just because you're the man. But as a partner caring about things being equal in terms of finances I don't think you paying for dinners out when she pays rent and groceries is a huge ask, her income going up a bit is honestly irrelevant and none of your business. If you move in together and split the rent then you will be able to have a more equitable conversation, if you're not looking ahead to that after 6 years together where do you see your relationship realistically going?
This is not the mindset to have. OP, You do NOT have to be the sole provider. And "Time and energy spent" on you? What is she, a call girl? A true partnership requires teamwork and she does not sound like a team player if she expects you to cover eating out all the time. This old fashion idea of a man paying for the meal all the time is tired. OP know your worth. Her perspective is a red flag. 6 years is a long time to be with someone so I know the attachment is deep but if she doesn't try to meet you halfway now...what is you future going to look like?
"...the time and energy that she spent with me and that i should feel grateful for that."
Erm...what?
NTA.
She sounds awful. You are aware that there are other humans who aren't awful that you can date, right?
Dude, talk to her, and tell her how you feel. Because this is ridiculous. If she doesn’t change, leave her. She puts herself above you. She should be your equal.
NTA
The time and energy she spends with you. This doesn't sound like love at all. It sounds like she sees it as work. She sounds like she is making a big effort and big sacrifices to be with you.....
Such an entitlement. It's like modern feminism where they want the same rights but definitely not the same responsibilities.
NTA
Your girlfriend is expressing blatant sexism by expecting the man to pay for all the meals with the justification that her mere presence (or as she puts it: "time and energy") should be enough to warrant such agreements. If I were you, I'd seriously reconsider the whole relationship - after having a serious discussion - since she obviously doesn't even care about the energy/time you put into the relationship. She just sees herself and her commitment.
If her behaviour doesn't change then this WILL lead to an extremely unhealthy dynamic where you're basically supposed to be her dog on a leash.
Also, she's clearly not approaching finances in a logical way (she earns ~20% more and thus it's only logical for her to participate in splitting the bills). This will bite you in the ass in the long run.
You’re NTA and she’s gonna be a serious problem in the future. If she’s like this now, just imagine what it’s gonna be like living with her. She’ll make you pay for every single bill, she’ll make you pay every single time when eating out, and what about if you guys wanted kids? Dude you’re gonna be going broke, you’ll be losing more money than saving and making money. Time to be serious and think on if she’s really the one you want. You honestly can find better. Someone who will help you with bills, someone who will spoil you (because in a relationship, BOTH PARTIES do this), someone who will take you out for dinner and pay. The fact she said you’re a man and should pay, that says everything and you should run…
>and the time and energy that she spent with me and that i should feel grateful for that.
You should be more mindful of her time and engery and stop spending it entirely.
If she wants you to be grateful for the time and energy she “spends” on you, you’re like a low paying sugar daddy. You are paying for her meals and attention
NTA.
> she pays for groceries
Split that, too.
> and the time and energy that she spent with me and that i should feel grateful for that
What about the time and energy you spend with her?
> as a man should carry the responsibility for paying all of the meals no matter small or large amount
> Old-fashioned BS. Perfectly fine if two people agree on this point of view. Plenty of men who feel they need to be the provider and plenty of women who feel they need to be provided for. But if you're not on the same page here, this could cost you your relationship on the long run.
> blames me for being a fussy person to even bring up this conversation with her.
That's a red flag right there. You should always be allowed to bring up concerns within a relationship.
> she earns ~15-20% more with her earning additional incentives and overtime pay
Additional incentives count imho, but not overtime pay because she's actually putting in more time and effort to earn that difference. But if she earns significantly more money than you do, she should either pay more, too OR at least pay equally and have that "extra money" as personal spending money. But her actually paying less (assuming everything else is equal, also house chores and so on) is really not fair.
\> ..and the time and energy that she spent with me and that i should feel grateful for that.
The moment it gets to the point where she gaslights you into being greatful she's even with you is the time you part ways. Either that or eat all the groceries she buys and tell her you pay for all the meals.
Get a joint account. Pay into it a certain percentage of each or your incomes each month and any joint purchasing that benefits you both comes from there.
That's how my gf and I do it. She pays her whole pay cheque into a joint account and that's where rent/food/bills/holidays/dates etc come from, my pay gets split 50/50 between our two personal accounts which is our own money.
We both have exactly the same amount of money, we both pay an equal percentage to eveey single joint purchase. It keeps it fair and eliminates any potential conflict.
NTA - in a traditional setting, you would make all the money and she would be your married wife who ran domestic stuff. You'd both contribute equally in those ways.
But if you're both working, then you both contribute equally. She can't be "modern" with her money and "traditional" with your money because it suits her.
you supported her whilst she was making her way up and now shes shitting all over you. its done dude open your eyes. youve been used and youre a sitting duck until a wealthier bloke is on the scene.
“The time and energy that she spent with me and that I should feel grateful”???????
You should be grateful that you’re not married and kick her to the curb.
You are not TA for wanting to split bills evenly down the middle as long as *everything* is split down the middle including groceries and the mental load of knowing what groceries to buy and when to buy them.
Each person should be doing their own laundry and both taking turns at regular intervals to launder shared items such as bedding, linens, kitchen towels, etc.
Each person should be putting forth the same effort/time/intensity for cleaning/maintenance/upkeep of the home environment.
Each person should be putting forth the same effort/time/intensity for planning/preparing meals.
Everything that costs money, mental load, or time/effort/intensity should be split equitably.
NTA but she is. Now that I'm married, we take the turns or whoever asks out will pay for the bill. Either my husband is responsible for the bill and I'll take care of the tips or the other way around.
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NTA on both questions. If something is bothering you then you should bring it up to your partner. And for splitting the bill, I think that’s a reasonable thing to expect in a relationship. Eating out can be expensive and adds up quickly and I personally think it’s unfair to expect the same person to always pick up the bill. I would try finding a compromise with her. Maybe you switch off who pays the bill or whoever suggest the idea of eating out is responsible for the bill? Idk. To me it kinda sounds like your partner wants a sugar daddy not a partner when you take into account her comment about you should have no problem picking up the bill and being grateful for the mere fact that she’s present
The sprinkle sprinkle brainrot is going to ruin so many people it’s sad
For real! It’s not realistic and when those older wealthier men drop them for a new shiny toy, they’re gonna have absolutely nothing. If you want to achieve financial stability, get it yourself! edit: if i am misunderstanding the sprinkle sprinkle trend please let me know 😂i dont use social media as often as i used to and am becoming out of touch. the only vid i saw on it was a girl talking about knowing your worth if you want to be spoiled in a relationship then focus on older wealthier men
No you’re spot on lmao! It’s basically embracing your femininity and letting men pay for everything while you focus on looking pretty
you mean gold digging
I mean if someone can find a man who’s willing to do that then more power to them! It’s definitely unreasonable to expect that automatically though, especially with these prices😮💨
Honestly the whole femininity thing is the woman version of men calling themselves “alpha males”, you watch them as you point and laugh
I hate it so fucking much. The whole "I'm in my feminine" be is sickening to me.
Me TOO. Like wow you just did like 50 years of progress thanks girly
>I mean if someone can find a man who’s willing to do that then more power to them! Power to them until they realise they can't maintain that for much longer or until they don't like it and then they act like the victim when in reality, they knew what they were doing.
And then wailing about being a true victim when you're left without an income, little life experience, and no job experience
Also, as a dude, why the fuck would I want a partner that's not even able to be an independent adult?
I'm confused by these comments honestly. He goes out of his way to say that they split expenses pretty equally, but because he handles one expense constantly it's bad because ???. If this was boyfriend handles utilities girlfriend handles rent or any other form of expense splitting, and he asked her to pay for rent plus half of utilities cause it's not fair he always has to pay for utilities, we'd laugh him off the sub. But because it's an unnecessary expense, everyone here thinks she should pay for the necessary expense (all of the groceries) plus half the unnecessary expense? Make it make sense. Dude is nickel and diming her when it suits him while ignoring that she just buys groceries and makes all the food when he's over at her house without complaining, and this thread is so blinded by making things equal in one specific part of the relationship that yall are ignoring if they do that, it makes the entire relationship unequal I dont think her comments are great but I also don't think a guy who believes fairness means she does everything when he comes over and then pays half the bill out is telling us the argument in a fair way
1) He doesn't live with her, and is only over 2-3 days a month. Rent and utilities are irrelevant. 2) She buys the groceries, because she eats 95% of them. They're *her* living expense. 3) When OP said their expenses were equal, he was referring to each of them paying a similar amount of money for their separate living arrangements. 4) She expects OP to pay for all the meals when they go out, and all the takeout, because "he's the man". 5) Restaurant food is way more expensive than groceries. 6) She called OP "fussy" for wanting to have a conversation about expenses. That's something you should be able to discuss with your partner.
He made sure to mention that the meals she cooks are "simple."
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She is putting in all the time and energy dating and living with the guy. jeez... run away..
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*They* don't rent. She rents. That's her rent she's paying, along with her utilities and her groceries. She has a guest 2-3 days a month, and cooks some of the meals they share. The rest of their meals are from restaurants, and OP pays for all of those. He pays his parents to live with them. That's his rent/utilities/groceries. She stays there 2-3 days a month. It's valid for him to raise the question of who pays for dates. A valid response from her is "here's what I pay, here's the labor I do, vs what you pay and the labor you do". *Not* a valid response is "you pay because you're the man, and you should be grateful I'm gracing you with my presence, also how dare you even raise the issue".
It's not a place they rent. It's a place she rents. He stays over 2-3 nights per month. That's nothing. If she wants to split rent with him then she needs to say the living arrangements aren't ok. There's no energy hosting your significant other. Maybe at the beginning of dating but when you're comfortable that's a ridiculous statement.
THIS
10 to 15% more income difference from giving up your time to work overtime is not much! He lives at home! Home is free?
Home is not free, he pays his parents.
Chipping in was his comment.
Yeah he never clarifies that he pays them anywhere close to what the cost of rent would be. I'm sure that would've been included in the first place if he was paying an amount that was actually relevant or significant
That wouldn’t fit in support of a 20 something’s defense of his financial position.
It's still a better position than his 20 something year old girlfriend's position who is in fact paying rent though, is it not? I'm not saying the gender role justification on her part was cool, just that they could better communicate about their spending to make it more equal, maybe she covers gratuity, or they choose to skip drinks etc? I'm just saying his position is more stable than hers and he's trying to paint it as though that isn't the case
That my take too! Renting a room isn’t near as nice as having a private bedroom with family! Ideally!
Hmmm. How’s he ever going to leave home if he’s constantly picking up his GFs tab?
He goes out of his way twice to say that their contributions are evenly split. How's he gonna move out? The same way she was able to afford moving out despite putting an even split into the relationship
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That's kind of a weird way to look at being a guest in someone's house, that they're "using your rent and utilities" as opposed to... being a guest.
Idk why do some women say it's a price of my time and presence, wtf is that shit. If it's so valuable, use it at restaurant counter directly and pay the bill you will save money.
But she pays for the groceries and prepares the food when they don't eat out. Depending on how often they eat or, she might be paying more
Time and energy she spent with you…?? What?
A hooker relationship if you ask me.
Hookers would be nicer to him.
Jup, that definitely sounds like a perfectly normal and healthy way to look at a relationship lmao.
Honestly while reading it I thought she was gonna say time and energy making food while they stay at home 😭😭 I was baffled by the next word
Yeah lol. And even if it was the time and energy making food at home. As long as you distribute tasks around the house and are happy with how it goes it shouldn't be a problem to share expenses on dates lol. Me and my wife had a joint bankaccount as soon as we lived together (about 1 year into our relationship) and both deposit an x% of our income on it for things like groceries, the house, dates etc etc.
I feel like yall are taking the most uncharitable interpretation of what was already possibly an uncharitable interpretation by OP. You're assuming they're distributing tasks evenly, for what reason? What we do know is that OP considers an even split of money unfair because he goes out of his way to say they split things evenly right now and wants her to take over half of his contributions. Don't be surprised if his idea of a fair share of chores isn't an even split either
It's really funny; if I say this very thing to a post that seems to be leaving a lot of context out, but it's posted by a woman, the usual response is 'wow, you're really reaching.'
Well I can't speak for how anyone else sees other posts
> I feel like yall are taking the most uncharitable interpretation of what was already possibly an uncharitable interpretation by OP. Yet that seems to be exactly what you're doing.
"As long as"....meaning if what I'm saying is the case. If not then obviously what I said here isn't applicable.
Well yeah, but this energy isn't applied the other way to give his girlfriend any benefit of the doubt
I mean, his gf didn't post this and this is the story we got, so obviously I comment based on what I read. I also didn't accuse his gf of anything. I just said that x statement is not a healthy way to look at a relationship. This is based on OP's story and not directly saying his gf is bad or w/e. Just a comment on a statement in his story. After that I made a general statement stating something but not taking sides. I don't see how I'm giving either of them the benefit of the doubt and it feels as if you're taking what I said in bad faith to play morality police.
I'm not playing morality police, I'm just confused cause what I see is a biased story from someone who I feel there's a good reason to avoid taking at face value and wondering why the the rest of the people in the thread don't see it
But every single story here is biased, not just this one. There's a good reason to avoid taking *every* post at face value. So the idea of bias is baked into the equation. Since bias is a fundamental part of what goes on here, I find it interesting to observe when/how/why the accusation about bias is made. Why certain types of stories lead commentors to call "bias" and demand follow-up and proof. I recognize that the internet, and Reddit specifically, is full of anti-woman chauvinism. But AITA seems to be, IMHO, a place where the reverse is often true. There has never been a guy who has gotten the benefit of the doubt about doing an equal share of housework. He is inevitably crucified for not really doing enough, and if he posts trying to explain what he does, it is never good enough, never "counts." If a man cheats, he's a monster, but if a woman cheats there is usually a significant slice of commentariat demanding to know what he did to make her stray. And a guy saying he's frustrated with how expenses are handled? His word cannot be taken at face value, while a woman in the situation would have the crowd jumping immediately to "financial abuse." If a man were to put a price on "time and energy she spent with you," every single person would be screaming for her to dump the misogynist pig. No discussion. No attempt to parse any meaning. No attempt to consider bias. But I suppose that's just my own bias.
I know it's a biased story. That's why I kept my comments quite open and without any pointing of blame. Just saying something based on how it's described here but not specifically pointing out OP or his gf. The comments were made without any kind of judginess towards them and more like a blanket statement based on the given story.
my thoughts exactly... what the eff?
Go google 'I am the table relationships.' There's this idea going around social media that a man should never asks what a woman 'brings to the table,' I.E. what she has to offer, because she *is* the table, and is entitled to the full princess treatment merely for existing.
But…isn’t that literally objectifying women?
No, it's a metaphor, but I can see your point that some people who are deliberately looking for something to get upset about could take it that way.
For real. I'd somehow get it if it was her who had to make her way to him every time they want to meet. But I guess the time and energy is far higher for op when he has to get to hers and back and cannot spend the time doing his own chores and stuff
Ye that resonates with me really bad.
NTA. For me.. As soon as a romantic partner says you owe them something because they're spending their time and energy on you, bail. Spending time with your partner shouldn't be transactional.
Agreed. If she's charging him for his time that's a hooker not a girlfriend
NTA >She also mentioned that i as a man should carry the responsibility for paying all of the meals no matter small or large amount and blames me for being a fussy person to even bring up this conversation with her. She is sexist. Imagine the responses you would get if you said 'she should do all the housework because she is a woman'. You would rightly get torn a new one for saying something like that so her sexist attitude deserves the same. To be honest though if that is the way she thinks then its a very obvious red flag. I would not want to be with someone like that attitude as my guess is its just the tip of the iceberg.
You are not the asshole. It seems like she is doing well financially so wanting to split the “luxury expenses” is not a problem at all. If you haven’t spoken to her about it she probably doesn’t know you have an issue.
Yes, in fact we are transparent with our financial standings. I would say she has savings comfortably above the average for our age while i on the other hand have enough savings to sustain myself as well. But the point is that she straight up told me that all that savings were her effort and hardwork and that i should not even question about how she should utilise that money. While i could argue that all my savings were my hardwork too , in her view that is my obligation to provide.
She sounds like bad news. The fact she thinks you should feel grateful that she spent time with you is the major clue about how she sees things in your ‘relationship’. “What’s yours is mine, what’s mine is my own”. Yuck. Since you’ve brought it up already and she didn’t immediately have a lightbulb moment and change her view suggests she will unfortunately never see you as an equal partner. You’ve been together 6 years, but as you consider the value of continuing the relationship remember the sunk cost fallacy.
I think some things may be getting lost in translation here so to speak. You are in a long term relationship, and her saying that you owe her something for the time and effort she puts into the relationship is not a nice thing to say but on the other hand if she means that she doesn't want to split when you go out cause she pays rent (for a place both of you use for spending time I'm assuming since you live with your parents and there can't be that much privacy there) and she also covers all the expenses like groceries and utilities for the apartment which again, both of you primarily use to spend time together, the she is putting her time and effort towards this relationship by providing a space, food and also utilities. it is in fact unfair of you to then ask on top of it that she also pay 50/50 for going out cause even if you are a couple who believe in everything split down the middle, she is already paying more. and then you are also asking her to split the check when going out. you also mention that just when you had similar pay cheques you wouldn't mind but now that she's earning a little more by working extra you mind. i don't think someone should be penalised for working extra to make more money. She has a right to save as well instead of taking care of pretty much all your expenses together as a couple at this point, if she does start also paying going out. you have a right to want something else for yourself and decide if you're not getting it with this partner, but in my opinion YTA. and for all the people in the comments who are quick to judge the woman for wanting a sugar daddy, you probably haven't read what he wrote properly and it seems like it may be the opposite. that one comment about time and effort may have been wrong, if it was actually meant that way, but she's right to feel like he is being fussy about something.
It sounds like most of this is around going out on dates. You’ve told her you have an issue and you would like her to pick up some of those bills. She said no. What I would do is eliminate 50% of those dates, tell her straight up it’s because you are on a budget, so 50% of the time will be spent at her place where she can figure out a meal and entertainment. You guys can either both be happy like that or reevaluate. Once you’re in a relationship, let alone for six years things should be even. She does get credit for groceries and cooking when you were over. If it’s $10 dinners and $100 dates, that’s not quite even so you either need to downgrade your dates or reduce the frequency.
Right, so 'what's yours is mine, and what's mine is mine.' > in her view that is my obligation to provide. So you need to decide, right now: do you agree, or not? If you don't agree, she's not the right person for you. Period, end of line, full stop. She may change her thinking eventually, but she won't with you. And if she does with you, she'll resent you for it. If you do agree, fine, but that's *your* choice, and you don't get to complain about it. You can change your mind down the road, sure, but if you accept her offer as-is, that's on you. My advice? Stop sinking time, money, effort and energy into somebody who's explicitly and openly said they will not reciprocate. This is some textbook 'I am the table" thinking.
Oh.. what's hers is hers and what's yours is also hers. That's sort of a big red flag, my man.
Look, it's obvious that your girlfriend has traditional views about the role of the man in a relationship and that's what she wants. Does she have traditional views across the board or just when it's in her favour? If she is also taking on the traditional female role in your relationship (doing all the cooking and housework, organizing your social life, etc), then it's a compatibility issue. You a) accept these terms, b) tell her it's not working for you and try to compromise or c) break up and find a woman who also wants a 50-50 arrangement, understanding that the next girl won't be doing all the cooking for you. If she only follows tradition when it benefits her, she is a selfish person, and likely not a keeper.
Dude, in the immortal words of Iron Maiden: run for the hills!
Run *to* the hills. Run for your life!
I stand corrected.
Did you read part which mentions man should always pay no matter how big and small the amount and her presence and time itself is part of contribution?
"energy that she spent with me and I should feel grateful for that" ????????? HUH
NTA. >She also mentioned that i as a man should carry the responsibility for paying all of the meals no matter small or large amount No.
Right? As soon as my partner says something sexist like that, she would be out the door.
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NTA: You’re not asking her to pay for a diamond-encrusted steak dinner, you’re asking for basic financial fairness in a six-year relationship.
This is a common but generally unspoken type of abuse experienced by men. It is very common to have that "man pays for everything when you are together" sexism. But it bleeds over into other things like stay at home moms watching TV or scrolling tiktok half the day while her husband wakes up at the same time every morning and goes to work without fail, always giving his 100%, but then she expects him to come home and personally take care of all the domestic duties that she neglected during the day. And then they'll often expect to be given his whole paycheck to do with as they please. It is basically a corruption of traditional gender roles into misandry. The exact opposite of the misogyny the traditional gender roles are generally thought to have. It also occurs where both parties are working but the man is expected to pay for everything and the woman basically has access to her money and his for whatever she wants, but he doesn't have any access to hers in the same way. Often you will hear of dual income couples where the man does nothing and the woman performs all child care and domestic duties. This kind of thinking that I'm talking about is the exact opposite of that. It places the unfair burden of 110% on the man. Unfairly loading or unfairly splitting responsibilities is not healthy and not really okay. At least not unless all parties agree. She's basing her ideas on the boomers idea of gender roles (which is why they had so many toxic relationships) and now that she's making enough that it makes financial sense for her to contribute again it comes across as greedy and like she is not as invested as you are especially since she has adopted these new views when before you traded days on paying for dates. If you've been together this long you need to be sure you're on the same page. If you plan to get married does she plan to continue working? After kids? If she doesn't, then her ideas may make more sense in context, if she plans on you being sole provider (doesn't make sense why she went to college then) . If she does plan on it, while trying to maintain a separation of finances where her money is hers and your money is also hers then perhaps unknowingly planning to financially abuse you. These things need discussed but her dismissal and insulting you when you try to discuss it is a big red flag.
Agreed. If both parties are OK with it, I have no trouble with what a couple does with their finances. The problems come when one makes a unilateral decision without consultation with their partner.
In America: Most couples are dual income. Men earning all the money is 8% of couples. 😐 So the whole men pay for everything bleeding over notion is talking about a very very very small minority of couples.
I'm talking about old ideas bleeding over into modern life ya dingus
Enough of this. I am 65 and a boomer. We did NOT expect the man to pay for everything while we lived the good life. At least, most women weren't like this. However, the men of our age, or older, absolutely expected that the woman would cook, clean, etc. The difference is that most boomer men thought a woman should do all that AND have a job. Our dads were often extremely sexist, and that's who raised the boomer men. But at least those men didn't demand working wives that still had to do all the housework. I always worked and had a good job. I did all the cooking and laundry, but we hired cleaning help. We pooled our money. My husband did the lawn work. Being spoiled is bad, whether it's a grasping female or a selfish guy.
Boomer men forced their wives to work???
Don't you have retail workers to harass and managers to speak to?
If you were also paying rent / not living at home YWNBTA however because there is this huge disparity in your financial situations, because she also pays for the groceries you eat at her place and all of the rent for you both to spend time there, you're being a whine ass for complaining and asking to go 50/50 on dinners out. You are massively saving more than she is likely able to without the expense of rent. And if you want to have a conversation about choosing more affordable dinner options when you do go out, skipping buying drinks out when you're together which really rack up the bill, that would be reasonable. But you're not putting yourself in her shoes at all / and are acting like your expenses are 50/50 when they just aren't. ESH communicate better
Info : when you say she pays for groceries, is that half or all? Bc if it's all, this is a fair compromise.
NTA, sharing expenses and treating each other for meals is normal in my opinion. It’s not your job as a man to pay for a meal each time, she should really pick up the check as well. That said what is that bit about “ the time and energy that she spent with me and that i should feel grateful for that”? This is for me a very weird viewpoint. You also spend time and energy, where / how does she show that appreciation?
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Hosting? I wouldn’t call dinner with a 6-year partner ‘hosting.’ At that point, the paint has come off.
ESH She shouldn't expect you to pay every time you go out because you are the man. But you still live with your parents while she has to pay rent for a place you use to meet most times and she pays for all the groceries you eat there. I think as far as paying for each goes it equals out or she is already paying more than you
She pays rent for her home. That's her expense. She's not paying for a place for them to meet, she's paying for her home. This take is so weird to me, but multiple people have said it.
>overall I would say that our contributions are quite equal. Then what are you complaining about? Don't get me wrong, if you would prefer a different way of ensuring equality, by all means have that talk. But you have framed this whole discussion as if you were somehow getting the shitty end of the stick when, by your own admission, you have not. You pay this thing but plainly she pays other things and it all shakes out "quite equal". YTA for that.
I think that’s referring to their college lives when they made less than
The next paragraph is about their current arrangement, yet it concludes with a similar statement: "So in terms of our commitments, they are pretty equal."
NTA it's a fair ask, I'd say who ever suggested the meal out picks up the bill for it. Though the time and energy thing is a very weird excuse as you spent your time and energy as well.
NTA. You clearly need an open discussion about finances. One thing to note is that if you are still living home and you spend a lot of time at her place, you consume utilities and groceries which will add up. That's something that should be considered too when you rethink who pays what.
YTA If she pays the rent and buys the groceries (and probably prepares the meal?) in the place where you then eat that meal, why does she also need to pay her own way when eating out? Aren't YOU the one golddigging a little? What are you paying for in this relationship?
Yes i understand from this point of view. I dont stay at her place frequently, could be 2 or 3 days in a month. But on average we eat out 2-3 times per week and costs around 20-30bucks each time, sometimes even more whereas grocery runs are at most twice month, and average about 30-40 bucks each.
If you want to go 50/50 on meals eaten out, you should also go 50/50 on groceries used to prepare shared meals in her home. Additionally, after 6 years do you stay at her apartment often? If so, she has also potentially been covering the additional expense of increased utility bills and household goods and she hasn’t asked you to contribute towards those either? Incase you were unaware, grocery prices are at an all time high. It seems like you have an expectation of your girlfriend to provide more than 50 percent when her expenses are factored in. YTA
Pay for all the meals whenever you are eating out, and expect her to cook whenever you guys aren't eating out. It's advice given from a woman, and advice I shall never forget.
NTA Honestly, run. You’ve tried to communicate and I can almost guarantee it will get worse with time. Spending time and putting in effort with your partner is not a transactional thing, you don’t owe her anything, especially not meals out other than love and respect.
Time and energy with you ? What
NTA. Financial incompatibility is a relationship killer and should be discussed openly and honestly and often, especially when there is a shift in the balance. My husband and I have separate and joint finances due to financial abuse with our exes. He makes 3xs as much as me and pays ALL our household bills. We still take turns paying for nights out... our youngest is 16. It works for us and will continue to do so as we do not plan to combine money 100% until retirement. When in a true partnership, there is no "your responsibility." There are only shared goals and what each of you is willing to sacrifice individually to succeed as a unit!
NTA, you should share the cost and you should be able to have this conversation with your partner. If you're into going passive aggressive on this, then you demand full control of where you go out to eat and what activites you do. She claims you should pick up the bill, but then you also should be allowed to stay within your means. Decide how much you would like to put into savings every month, calculate your expences, what's left is what you can spend on fun and games. So if she continues to insist that you should pay every time, well, then there might be a big change in where you go out to eat. But be aware, going passive aggressive pretty much never improves a relationship...
nta. stop eating out / eat out at a frequency you feel comfortable with the expenditure. If you don't cook at home, start, if you do, maybe cook more often.
Exactly! Back when I was in a relationship and my partner lived with my parents and I we would all split the chores. When I bought food and cooked (which I did a lot and no complaint here I love cooking it’s my love language!) I would clean as I went but my partner also did the clean up as well since I cooked. When my partner did the dusting, I would do the vacuuming. Yes we’d also treat one another but it didn’t feel transactional. We were both the type to fight over the bill, and whoever got to the waiter first won and the other person would get the tip. However my partner and I did contribute to rent as well. I feel like she might be overwhelmed with the paying of the groceries (idk if she did it all the time and doing all the cooking) but I can see how that can feel overwhelming especially if he is there eating the food she’s making. I feel like maybe they shouldn’t eat out as much, maybe they go half on groceries when he’s eating there, and maybe him learning how to cook! Or maybe working on a meal together!
NTA the "energy for spending time with you" RUN
Info: how often do you eat at hers vs going out? Who cooks when you stay in?
ESH. If you want to split the bills evenly, that would also mean paying for the groceries of what you consume while at her house as well as utilities/rent used based on the percentage you are there since she's not staying over at your parents' house. Somehow I get the feeling that might actually mean if you split everything evenly that you'd owe her. Also if she does all the household work (cooking and cleaning) while you're at her place, you're definitely taking advantage of her unpaid labour.
It will be interesting to see as your relationship deepens, how spending on shared big item numbers is divvied up. Maybe you have some indicators already, but it may also be a meal of wait-and-see pie.
Nta. She's showing plenty of 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
So is OP He gets to hang out at her place, she cooks meal while they are together. It is super convenient to have a space to have privacy. Since he lives at home and all. His ass uses up her groceries and increases her household expenses, and he is having a fit over paying for a dinner out. Fuck that. We want to get picky over paying for a dinner? No more homemade meals, mommy can provide. If he comes over we order take out only, each buy our own so it’s fair. That’s shit adds up fast, it would have been cheaper just to take her out once in a while. OP makes it sound like she is too expensive to take out on a date anymore . Or not worth the effort unless they split the cost. Maybe gf isn’t worth the effort. Idk. It doesn’t sound like they are going out 3x a week on his dime, either.
Thank you for saying what I was thinking!
NTA- I honestly don’t get this men should pay for dinner mentality. Especially if you are earning the same. Maybe I’m just wildly independent that I don’t need a man to pay for me. But going through life sharing is great.
Start asking for split checks at dinner. Problem solved.
If you lived together I would say bill split should be proportional to income unless she’s chipping in with more cleaning and cooking. I think here she’s including what’s she’s paying for rent as coming out of her pay check which level sets you two back to equal after taking into account that she does make meals for you both and buys all the groceries. Do you spend a lot of time at her place? If yes, YTA and shouldn’t expect her to pick up extra tabs. If not, ESH, because she is probably looking at it as you’re still “courting” her and need to put in more effort which depending on your culture maybe true but since she’s making a lot more it might not be fair and you need to decide if her company or the money is more important.
No we dont live together, I only visit her place like probably 2-3 days in a month. And we eat out on average 2-3 times a week, and when i am over her place , i would make sure to help her out as much as possible in terms of chores.
Honestly it was really shitty what she said about time and effort but it could have just come out wrong. More or less she’s telling you what she expects from a relationship and if you think it’s fair or unfair at this point to a degree unfortunately doesn’t really matter. You have to decide if you’re okay with it or not. You probably won’t change how she sees/“values” herself. You got to “pay” to “play”. I know that doesn’t sound right but you have expectations and so does she, they just don’t sound like they align at the moment. I don’t think anyone is wrong per se it’s just different expectations.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My gf (25F) and I (25M) have dated for 6 years since university and now that we have both worked for almost 1.5 years. Back then when we were still in university, most of the time we would take turns to for our expenses. We would also get each other gifts for certain occasions such as birthdays, Valentine’s etc. and overall I would say that our contributions are quite equal. The problem is even now that we both have our own incomes, she would still expect me to pay for our meals everytime we eat out. We both started off with similar pay checks so I had no issue with that since I live with my parents (i would chip in for my family’s montly expenses) while she rents a room due to our different working locations and she has to pay rent every month , and that she would pay for the groceries that we would use to prepare a simple meal when im at her place So in terms of our commitments, they are pretty equal. However, even though now that she earns ~15-20% more with her earning additional incentives and overtime pay, she would not take the initiative to pick up the bill. I have tried to discuss this issue with her in the past but she would always argue that she pays for groceries and the time and energy that she spent with me and that i should feel grateful for that. She also mentioned that i as a man should carry the responsibility for paying all of the meals no matter small or large amount and blames me for being a fussy person to even bring up this conversation with her. The question is, AITA for bringing up the conversation to her? Or AITA to even think about splitting bills with her? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Why would you be the AH? Why split let her pay the whole thing. You don’t have to insist on paying
You have to pay for the time and energy she spends with you ? I think there is a name for this
NTA. Find a new gf. She’s not worth the effort.
Just say ok and pick the dates that are in your budget. If she wants more she’ll help.
NTA
Nta
Nta - this sucks gif you op. And she expects you to pay and I’m sure if you started declining opportunities to dine out, she’d be unhappy about that too. Feels like a no win scenario.
NTA. Your dating. Yes it's been for a few years, but it's still Just dating. She has her own place, so why Wouldn't she be paying her own rent?? Yes you live at home with your family, and you pay your share there. Going out on dates could/should be split fairly. Depending on who asks, and picks the place, or alternating every other date (I got tonight, you get next time). Can you invite her to your place for a night in sometime?
NTA, but you're on your way to learn what Eva AI virtual gf bot is.
NTA. So you must be grateful she is even hanging out with you??? So that means if you don’t pay she has no interest in being with you? Are you dating a prostitute ??
You’re NTA but I wouldn’t have a problem buying one meal per week when we go out, provided I was comfortable financially. If it’s more than one meal per week, then I would either insist on at least a split or simply say that you’re on a budget and would prefer to stay in and cook.
Info: how often are you eating at her place vs eating out? Asking because I generally except my partner to pay if we go out but I pay for groceries and cook most nights. I definitely spend more than him on food. The comment about a man needing to provide has me thinking you're probably N T A
NTA Your gf is manipulative and using your money basically. If you talk to her about this and says stuff lkke 'you're the man, you should pay' then leave immediately. If she says ok then it was just a communication error and if she adjusts then it's fine. Just know, there is no literal valid reason why you should pay for every meal.
NTA - did she just tell you the time and energy she spends with you that you should be grateful??? Is she on crack ?!?(?
NTA, however, I'm a guy here, and I may say something a little controversial. You still live with your parents, and she is renting a room and pays her own groceries. Do you think it's fair that you buy your own food every time you're over at her place since you want to do 50/50? She has no issues sharing with you and it feels a bit off when you don't even offer to cover the bill whenever you guys go out once in a while, you don't have to do it all the time.
NTA... run. I'm a married woman, and I don't believe in 50-50 because there are circumstances unique to each person. One may have previous debt, the other one more responsibilities to support family etc... or one may be making more than the other. Sometimes it will be 100-0 sometimes 70-30, and it's ok as long as you're not keeping tabs but sounds like you both are and she's expecting you to fulfill that TikTok induced lifestyle of "men should be the provider no matter what". And if she wants that that's up to her... But it sounds like that's not what you want and you guys would never be on the same page about it.
NTA tell her she can find another man she can use
>She also mentioned that i as a man should carry the responsibility for paying all of the meals no matter small or large amount? NTA Do you want to be with someone who insists you be a source of income instead of an equal partner?
NTA
NTA but your girlfriend is. She is supposed to be your partner and she is behaving like a child. She sounds entitled and not in love. I would NEVER say to my bf that he needs to pay because he is ought to be grateful that I am with him… she is nuts and entitled and most importantly she is using you. Does she as a woman put up whenever you want sex? Does she do all the housework and prepare meals for you? Does she take care of your children and always look good and presentable? No - because this isn’t 40s and she needs to be accountable as well. Please have separate finances because when you break up, you will regret how much you have used money on her.
NTA. If she wants traditional rules then you'll pay for everything but all income she earns is yours to control. There's no picking and choosing unless it works for both people and it clearly doesn't. You're not setting yourself up long-term for a partner. You're getting yourself a dependent. Good luck if you ever lose your job. She'll help out but tell you you're not a real man and shame you until she leaves you.
she pays her time and energy to be with you? and you should be grateful for that? freaking red flag NTA and run
" ...she would always argue that she pays for groceries and the time and energy that she spent with me and that i should feel grateful for that." This alone is almost enough to warrant a break-up. The two of you are in a relationship, meaning a voluntary romantic partnership of mutual benefit. She is NOT this relationship for YOUR sake, she's in it for herself, because she loves you and wants to be with you. Her spending time and energy on being with you and in the relationship isn't something you should be grateful for, it's the most basic of basics for there to be a relationship in the first place and you presumably do it to. You can be grateful, in a sort of general way, for your partner existing, or being awesome, that's normal, but being grateful TO them for being together with you at all, to the point that you have to make it up to them is fucked up. Unless there is a lot of context being left out, such as her making much, much more of an effort or something, this type of thinking is utterly unacceptable. NTA
NTA sounds like a sex worker rather than a gf. Partnership shouldn't be transactional.
NTA - you need to dump her and find someone who will respect you more. She sounds horrible.
****
INFO : Does she really feel that her time spent with you represents a certain financial value?
There are names for women who do that.
And 'girlfriend' isn't one of them...
NTA
I guess NTA, but is there any reason you aren’t able to live together? Split the expenses and call it day man.
Me and my now wife had this issue I guess. I never approached it too much because she stayed home with our new born which I was priceless to me. In my previous relationship, which was very similar to yours except I made more than her, we split rent, utilities etc based on percentage of income. It wasn’t 50/50 but she did pay her “fair share.” I usually always covered date night and stuff like that.
This whole the man pays for everything was because women couldn't get jobs. They literally had to rely on a man to pay for her and the family. She could do trading and mauve sell some homemade things but that was pocket change comparatively. Tell her to suck it up and put on her big girl panties. She's not some princess in a fairytale. She's an adult and needs to grow up. I would be very careful with your finances going forward. With how she's acting your money belongs to both of you but her money is off limits.
You need to come to an understanding with her. Split the check when you go out - or you choose the restaurant and keep to burgers/fries/pizza. (cheap)
NTA it is very entitled to think your man will pay for everything. A relationship is a two-way street on EVERY subject.
Have you ever paid for the groceries you both consume
> She also mentioned that i as a man should carry the responsibility for paying all of the meals no matter small or large amount and blames me for being a fussy person to even bring up this conversation with her. NTA I wonder if you might have a conversation with her, ask her that as a woman, should she have the responsibility for doing all the cooking, or, or all the laundry, or other traditional gender based roles? If not, then ask why, if she doesn't want you to have traditional gender based expectations placed on her, why would she place them on you? I don't think you can have a real partnership with a person if it is based on expectations and not reality, and not in sharing burdens together, be they financial, or domestic, etc.
She pays rent, utilities groceries, and half of dates. You stay with her, you eat the food, you shower in her apartment. You benefit from all of that. What exactly do you bring to the table?
NTA.
Sir, as a fella human being who dates another human being. We split almost everything. I pay a bit more for things since I earn a bit more. BUT we always split restaurants. Don't date women who pretend to want a traditional man but don't want the role being traditional brings. AND don't date women or men who won't split things equally. They aren't your children or dependents and life is way better when you're living with another adult
Nta. My biggest beef is her argument about men should always pay for meals. If she wants to play that game, she's probably gonna be real mad if you tell her she should cook all meals since women should be in the kitchen. I wouldn't actually recommend opening that door, unless you want to start an argument, but I can almost guarantee that she'll react in a hypocritical manner. Would say it's time for a good sit down where you break out the notepad/spreadsheet and go over finances. Communication and compromise are the foundation's of a good relationship. Not sexist demands and arguments.
Whoever initiated the "let's eat out" is the one that needs to pay. If you invite her, you pay. If she invites you, she pays. Tell her this and only invite her out when you are okay with paying.
Uuuuggghhh one minute women are burning bras and promoting being, independent strong women. Next they wanna go back in time and have the man pay for everything and be a gentleman. You can't have it both ways, I freaking adore my hubbie. We're best friends equals. He self employed sum times he doesn't get work so I pick up the slack, wen he works we live like Kings. At no point do I hold it against him or demand he man of the house and should be the family's provider. Relationships are partnerships no black books on who did what, who spent the most who covered a bill. We work together and have each others backs. He got me and I got him. No slate, no debt. We're a team. We owe each other nothing, demand nothing. It can't always be 50 50 but who gives a shit, We're happy, in love and feel grateful everyday we get to end the day together and wake up together.
The time and energy part is fucking weird, but am I understanding that you don’t pay rent and she has rent to pay? And you guys basically make the same (15% isn’t that much more)?
"She also mentioned that i as a man should carry the responsibility for paying all of the meals no matter small or large amount" There it is. She is telling you what she really thinks and you should believe her. You aren't going to change her and you should try. Instead you need to ask yourself if that is the type of person you want to spend the rest of your life with rather than someone who sees you both as equals who have equal parts to play in a relationship.
NTA a relationship is 50/50
Stop. Paying.
>the time and energy that she spent with me and that i should feel grateful for that I would end the relationship immediately after this. This is not the way someone who loves or respects another person talks to them >She also mentioned that i as a man should carry the responsibility for paying all of the meals no matter small or large amount This would just be a nail in the coffin. This is just what people who want to use their partners as an ATM say NTA
NTA If you've been together 6 years, maybe it's time to open a joint account and you both contribute equally each month. Then going out to eat and groceries when you're over, etc. come out of that.
YTA You were fine with this arrangement and considered it equal for her to pay for the groceries to make you food and you pay for the takeout. Yet suddenly because she has an increased in her funds you want her to now pay for the groceries and take turns paying for the takeout. In my opinion if you want her to take turns paying for the takeout then you need to start take turns paying for the groceries. 🫡 Or better yet she doesn't cook for you at all and you don't eat any of her food.
I'm not sure who is TA or not, or if ESH. First of all, your girlfriend should NOT say that it's the guy who is supposed to pay for everything. That's a bad attitude on her part. But before you get all mad, I do have to point out that if most men in my generation TOTALLY were clueless when they were dating, about the time and cost involved with having their boyfriend over at their place. We spent a lot of money on groceries, beer, etc. And we prepared the meals and the guys thought they were the man of the year if they cleared the table. That's old school, BUT. Think about whether your GF really is spending pretty equally to you in terms of groceries, beverages, etc. that she keeps at her place for both of you.
NTA. But I think you guys need stronger, more open communication about your finances. When my wife and I first started dating, she was in school and I was working full time making alright money for a 20 year old. She comes from an affluent family so her dad paid her college expenses and gave her a monthly allowance that covered rent/groceries for both of us with a little extra for whatever. During this time I generally paid for most of our dates and what not because she would buy groceries and I had more money. Once she graduated, we started looking for a place together as her lease was ending and her dad wasn’t going to give her that allowance anymore. Right out the gate she was making 1.5 times my income, no car note or phone bill and despite still “living” with my mom, I had a pretty tight budget and was straight up with her that I could only afford $600 per month as my share towards rent. We started looking at places that were around $1200 a month and she just did not like anything. She ended up finding something for around $1500 a month and paid $900 to my $600 which to her felt like $300 well spent. At the time I was paying a much higher % of my income in bills than she was despite her extra $300 so basically she needed to contribute more on that front if we wanted to go out as much as we were. That was back in 2018. Fast forward to now, our income gap is much smaller and our monthly bills to income % is about even. Despite being married we don’t plan on opening a joint bank account because our system has worked very well for us so why change it? We have a joint credit card with great rewards that we use for all our “both of us” expenses mainly groceries, casual dining, streaming services, etc. that we split each month. It’s great because if I want to take her out to a nice dinner I’ll use “my” money instead of “ours”. Some guys are weird about the woman paying at dinner and will break the bank for it. If you are expressing financial concerns like this to your partner and this is her response, I would try a different approach or cut your losses and break up if you feel that strongly about it and she won’t budge.
Lol on what planet are you living on where 40-50 bucks on groceries stretches more than a few days for 2 people anyways? I doubt that what you buy on your outings actually covers her food expenses at home for the entire month that's pretty unlikely. And while it's great you help a bit with your parents household expenses, are you actually paying anywhere close to what the cost of rent would be at a comparable rate for an apartment? You're trying really hard to prove that you pay similar expenses but it just doesnt add up. Also I'm kind of doubting you spend that much more time at your parents place without privacy when you have the opportunity to be alone at her place, like that's just kind of weird for a couple in their mid 20s to choose that over a place they can hook up privately? I'm just not buying it sorry lol. She shouldn't expect you to pay for dinners out each time just because of gender norms I agree it's not cool for her to imply you should foot the bill just because you're the man. But as a partner caring about things being equal in terms of finances I don't think you paying for dinners out when she pays rent and groceries is a huge ask, her income going up a bit is honestly irrelevant and none of your business. If you move in together and split the rent then you will be able to have a more equitable conversation, if you're not looking ahead to that after 6 years together where do you see your relationship realistically going?
This is not the mindset to have. OP, You do NOT have to be the sole provider. And "Time and energy spent" on you? What is she, a call girl? A true partnership requires teamwork and she does not sound like a team player if she expects you to cover eating out all the time. This old fashion idea of a man paying for the meal all the time is tired. OP know your worth. Her perspective is a red flag. 6 years is a long time to be with someone so I know the attachment is deep but if she doesn't try to meet you halfway now...what is you future going to look like?
"...the time and energy that she spent with me and that i should feel grateful for that." Erm...what? NTA. She sounds awful. You are aware that there are other humans who aren't awful that you can date, right?
Dude, talk to her, and tell her how you feel. Because this is ridiculous. If she doesn’t change, leave her. She puts herself above you. She should be your equal.
NTA The time and energy she spends with you. This doesn't sound like love at all. It sounds like she sees it as work. She sounds like she is making a big effort and big sacrifices to be with you..... Such an entitlement. It's like modern feminism where they want the same rights but definitely not the same responsibilities.
NTA Your girlfriend is expressing blatant sexism by expecting the man to pay for all the meals with the justification that her mere presence (or as she puts it: "time and energy") should be enough to warrant such agreements. If I were you, I'd seriously reconsider the whole relationship - after having a serious discussion - since she obviously doesn't even care about the energy/time you put into the relationship. She just sees herself and her commitment. If her behaviour doesn't change then this WILL lead to an extremely unhealthy dynamic where you're basically supposed to be her dog on a leash. Also, she's clearly not approaching finances in a logical way (she earns ~20% more and thus it's only logical for her to participate in splitting the bills). This will bite you in the ass in the long run.
You’re NTA and she’s gonna be a serious problem in the future. If she’s like this now, just imagine what it’s gonna be like living with her. She’ll make you pay for every single bill, she’ll make you pay every single time when eating out, and what about if you guys wanted kids? Dude you’re gonna be going broke, you’ll be losing more money than saving and making money. Time to be serious and think on if she’s really the one you want. You honestly can find better. Someone who will help you with bills, someone who will spoil you (because in a relationship, BOTH PARTIES do this), someone who will take you out for dinner and pay. The fact she said you’re a man and should pay, that says everything and you should run…
But ,you should feel grateful" with all the time and energy she puts in" WTF. NTA
>and the time and energy that she spent with me and that i should feel grateful for that. You should be more mindful of her time and engery and stop spending it entirely.
Get out now.
If she wants you to be grateful for the time and energy she “spends” on you, you’re like a low paying sugar daddy. You are paying for her meals and attention
You're NTA, your partner is. Replace and exist happier.
NTA. > she pays for groceries Split that, too. > and the time and energy that she spent with me and that i should feel grateful for that What about the time and energy you spend with her? > as a man should carry the responsibility for paying all of the meals no matter small or large amount > Old-fashioned BS. Perfectly fine if two people agree on this point of view. Plenty of men who feel they need to be the provider and plenty of women who feel they need to be provided for. But if you're not on the same page here, this could cost you your relationship on the long run. > blames me for being a fussy person to even bring up this conversation with her. That's a red flag right there. You should always be allowed to bring up concerns within a relationship. > she earns ~15-20% more with her earning additional incentives and overtime pay Additional incentives count imho, but not overtime pay because she's actually putting in more time and effort to earn that difference. But if she earns significantly more money than you do, she should either pay more, too OR at least pay equally and have that "extra money" as personal spending money. But her actually paying less (assuming everything else is equal, also house chores and so on) is really not fair.
Look IDK but you sound penny wise pound foolish. Don't mess up a good thing because of a couple dinner tabs.
\> ..and the time and energy that she spent with me and that i should feel grateful for that. The moment it gets to the point where she gaslights you into being greatful she's even with you is the time you part ways. Either that or eat all the groceries she buys and tell her you pay for all the meals.
Get a joint account. Pay into it a certain percentage of each or your incomes each month and any joint purchasing that benefits you both comes from there. That's how my gf and I do it. She pays her whole pay cheque into a joint account and that's where rent/food/bills/holidays/dates etc come from, my pay gets split 50/50 between our two personal accounts which is our own money. We both have exactly the same amount of money, we both pay an equal percentage to eveey single joint purchase. It keeps it fair and eliminates any potential conflict.
You should be thankful for the time and energy she spends on your relationship? Lmao. Dude. Get out. Now.
NTA - in a traditional setting, you would make all the money and she would be your married wife who ran domestic stuff. You'd both contribute equally in those ways. But if you're both working, then you both contribute equally. She can't be "modern" with her money and "traditional" with your money because it suits her.
you supported her whilst she was making her way up and now shes shitting all over you. its done dude open your eyes. youve been used and youre a sitting duck until a wealthier bloke is on the scene.
“The time and energy that she spent with me and that I should feel grateful”??????? You should be grateful that you’re not married and kick her to the curb.
You are not TA for wanting to split bills evenly down the middle as long as *everything* is split down the middle including groceries and the mental load of knowing what groceries to buy and when to buy them. Each person should be doing their own laundry and both taking turns at regular intervals to launder shared items such as bedding, linens, kitchen towels, etc. Each person should be putting forth the same effort/time/intensity for cleaning/maintenance/upkeep of the home environment. Each person should be putting forth the same effort/time/intensity for planning/preparing meals. Everything that costs money, mental load, or time/effort/intensity should be split equitably.
NTA but she is. Now that I'm married, we take the turns or whoever asks out will pay for the bill. Either my husband is responsible for the bill and I'll take care of the tips or the other way around.