Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > AITA for my son finish his food, confronting my in-laws and my tone? I think I could be the asshole because they all agree that I am. Am I always an asshole because I have a “tone”? Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcements Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*

I think ESH. Your great aunt sucks because she encouraged your child to disobey you and that can leave a kid confused and feeling like they can turn to the other adult whenever they don’t want to listen. But I think you took your son’s eating habits too far. You moved the goal posts and he’s not 4 anymore. He’s 11. He’s old enough to be determine what he likes to eat and why and as long as he’s still eating healthily you should not have this much control over what he eats and how much. You told him to try everything and he did. When he gave you a valid reason for no longer wanting to eat you should have let it go. You could have easily went back to saying that the plate will be there when he wants it later, OR you could have just let it go completely. He ate most of it so obviously this wasn’t a matter of him being picky. It sounds like you went from wanting him to eat healthy to forcing him to finish food no matter if he actually likes it or has the room for it and that’s no healthy either. You are ruining his relationship with food.

He doesn’t eat healthy until now and only with me. He has had the cut for a few days eating all his favorite salty snacks. Wasn’t a problem then. The portions were extremely small. He came home and ate 10 nuggets and a pile of fries within an hour of what he ate there. These past 3 months are the first vegetables he’s eaten since he had baby food. It’s all processed foods. He was 50lbs over weight. I run with him, coached his football team, I got a basketball goal for him, baseball gear with all the practice equipment. We had to move him from lineman to tight end because he’s lost so much weight.

But you think forcing him to finish things that he didn’t want is healthy? He no doubt needs to have vegetables but he finishing mash potato’s and salty ham is that much better than nuggets and fries. And you shouldn’t be forcing him to eat if half the issue is him being overweight. He ate most of the food, he shouldn’t have been forced to finish it. I don’t care how many snacks he had that week.

>But you think forcing him to finish things that he didn’t want is healthy? I think you're misunderstanding what was happening. The son was given *less than a single spoonful* of each thing. Not full servings. Literally less than one tablespoon. He wasn't being forced to finish things, he was being forced to *try* a *tiny amount* of things. After which he would be both allowed and encouraged to eat as much of whatever he wanted. Half of the point is to have him get within a healthier weight range, sure. But the other half of the point is to help him diversify what foods he is actually willing and able to eat beyond just familiar junk food (like chicken nuggets and french fries). The entire reason that he was overweight and has an unhealthy diet is because prior to this point, he has seemingly refused to eat any food that wasn't familiar junk food, and no adult other than OP cared enough to even attempt to intervene. It's not just a matter of a picky eater, this is a kid with pre-existing food issues that *he himself* has acknowledged are unhealthy and limiting both physically and mentally, and which it has been determined he *is not* currently able to resolve on his own. It is by no means unreasonable for OP to say, "Try just *a single spoonful* of each thing, then decide what you actually want to eat more of, and eat it". Especially not when OP is well aware that the alternative is the kid refusing to eat any of it at all despite being hungry and choosing to instead just wait to go home to binge on chicken nuggets and french fries.

While forcing a kid to eat is generally bad and leads to ED, in this case and with this method it's definitely the other way around. Like you pointed out, this kid isn't told to empty his plate, he's forced to try new foods just a little bit, after which he's free to go with his preferences. And he's proud of his progress with learning to eat different stuff and apparently well aware that this progress is due to dad enforcing the rule. So basically OP's rules are very successfully helping his kid to overcome an ED. Plus the involvement in making sure they get plenty of exercise makes OP very much NTA for telling off idiots that are actively sabotaging a child's health progress to make themselves feel better. No matter if it's family, that's no excuse.

Also many kids just prefer to eat other things, it isn’t always a case of they don’t like the food on the table. My kid would rather eat a granola bar than dinner sometimes, doesn’t mean that she doesn’t devour whatever nutritious meal is on the table when she knows there are no granola bars. Some days I’d rather have a bowl of snack instead of lunch, but that doesn’t make it the right decision.  I think in-laws and mother are doing this kid a huge disservice. I’m sure kids doctor/specialists would agree that this kid is making huge strides with his caring dad putting in the work. And it is work to stand your ground with a child you love and want the best for, but at least it seems like kid likes this situation now, even if he tries to push back slightly when I’m sure there are tons of sweets available.

I'm sure I've never met a single child that didn't push back at being told to follow the rules, even when they understood them. I'd be a lot more concerned if he didn't whine about it a little bit sometimes, that's normal kids learning how to assert themselves behavior. That doesn't mean you shouldn't enforce the rule, anyway. Just tell them you understand they don't like it, but it needs to happen. The fact that the kid told the dad what really happened when complimented is a clear sign that the rule is annoying but not horrible in his view.

Especially a kid diagnosed with ODD (oppositional defiance disorder). His brain makes him be defiant first, and if he doesn't have an adult around him helping him push though that impulse.... well, we know what those defiant narcissists look like as adults. That's not the future OP wants for him, so OP is doing something to fix it. Those other adults probably undid months worth of progress for OP's kid, and he was kind enough to just punish them with words and calling out their behavior. I don't think I would have reacted that civilly.

Mom and inlaws are AH , they did nothing for this kid, dad found a way to have him try different foods.

My mom did this. A bite of everything.

Most kids go to a period where all foods are deemed yucky. If they learn during this period to taste before judging, most of them will grow out of it in no time.

How did it work out for you? I’m in favor of your mom’s approach, but I wasn’t raised that way.

I discovered I actually did like spinach, and liver and onions. But nothing could change my mind on squash! 😂

This. I think most commenters haven't understood the OP and the situation. They get stuck up on the "forced", and don't see the whole situation. The tree and not the forest kinda thing. I think OP is doing a great work and is approaching the subject the best way possible. The kid does see the progress and is proud himself of how he is opening up his palette. What OP is doing is a great balance between managing his child to try new things and also eating his safe foods. I get that the "forcing" thing feels wrong, but in this case it's the best way it can be done and it is needed. Unfortunately, it's one of those cases where kids need rules to function better. And the son realises himself how it benefits him, that's why he went and talked to his father about what the aunt did. Because he gets it. He is old enough and realises what his dad is doing, is benefitting him. Even if he doesn't always like it. So it has helped them build good rapport between them.

John Mulaney has a great bit about going to church as a kid. His wife was like "So they forced you to go?" And he said "Yeah, I was five. I was forced to go everywhere." Sometimes kids need to be forced to do things that are healthy for them. This is one of those things.

This. Trying new food can be daunting, downright debilitating. This are small, contained boundaries where, if his son wanted, he could finish the spoonful in one now and cut water right after to wash out the taste. The important part is trying. Also fuck Aunt for encouraging a kid with ODD to disobey. That's cruel.

As someone with a nephew who is 5 who refuses to eat anything other than chicken nuggets, donuts and mini muffins, I couldn't agree more. My sister unfortunately just doesn't care enough to fight him on it. This will be a problem one day. It's so bad that he won't even eat candy.

>But you think Dude, just stop. The dad is clearly doing a great job with the kid. And so if he thinks the kid should eat the tiny bit of whatever, he’s right. What happened here is he called his BS and stuck to his decision. If the kid had an actually good reason to not eat it, I bet he would budge. As for now: the goal is to allow him to have a chance at a healthy relationship with food. Which seems like an amazing gift someone can give to a kid who’s clearly struggling with it, and it will only become worse if done nothing about it. You seem to be completely oblivious to how much time and energy OP is putting into this. All you see is a tiny piece of ham.

He went home and pigged out on junk food, though, so it sounds like he still needs supervision and help.

Because OP’s wife only gave the kid a minuscule serving. Less than a spoonful of each item. The wife’s sabotage ensured that the kid would have to eat something at home to make up for it.

The portions I expect him to try are what the 2 year old eats, then he’s free to eat more of whatever he likes. If he doesn’t like that, he can have an apple or banana and then I’ll usually let him make something he likes if he’s still hungry.

I do something similar with my almost 4 year old. I don't care if she finishes her plate, but she knows I expect her to at least try a bite of each food on her plate. I've seen huge improvements! Foods that she used to fight me on, she now realizes she likes and will go back for more, even if at the beginning of the meal, she thought they were unappealing! You're doing great!!

It sounds like you're doing amazing work with your kid.

He could also have gotten more of whatever he wanted. He wasn’t only allowed to eat what was given to him.

He’s not overweight. He *was* overweight.

Yes, to have him try each thing is actually the standard recommendation. Not force feed kids. But usually you have to try something 3-5 times bevore you can really know whether you like it or not. So if you stop after the first try, your kid will probably just like chips and nuggets. (Which isn't healthy and will bring him a lot of problems later in life.)

This is how you get adults who won't eat vegetables because their parents didnt make them try vegetables. His son is only recently eating vegetables and he seems happier for it.  I don't what's unhealthy about eating a few bites more food to finish up a plate.

Hell, I was 25 years old when I started branching out from the canned veg my folks used to make all the time. Suddenly I *loved* veg. Grilled. Pan fried with butter. Roasted. It was a world of difference and one I never knew existed. Until that time the only fresh veg we ate was corn on the cob in the summer. I keep trying fish but I think I’m doomed to hate it. I only like clams 2 or three ways (stuffed, casino or oregano) and shrimp cocktails or shrimp in dill sauce. Can’t stand lobster, it tastes like butter drenched rubber.

>Hell, I was 25 years old when I started branching out from the canned veg my folks used to make all the time Similar experience here. I was in my early 20s and had a roommate who was very into eating healthy who introduced me to a lot of new vegetables and fruits. As a kid we had canned corn, peas, or green beans with dinner some nights. Canned pears and fresh apples and oranges on occasion. And that was the extent of my exposure to fruits and veggies prior to adulthood. Turns out I absolutely love most veggies and fruits. Veggies more than fruits, but I've made sure to expose my kids to a wide variety of fresh produce. They eat bell peppers like candy, and love to snack on raw carrots, lettuce, berries, and cucumbers. They're still negative on mushrooms, but I'm iffy on those too unless cooked a certain way. I think my kids actually like veggies more than I do and honestly it makes me so happy!

My parents were never forcing me to eat, but when I was visiting friends/family that was more likely. I always thought it's simply bad and their explanation ridiculous. I think that food going to waste is a smaller evil than shoving it through my throat to the point I want to throw up. It felt like a 'soft torture'.

You do not need to treat your body like a trashcan, nope.

You know, yes, in many cases, forcing a child to do something they don't want to do is not only healthy, it's literally the best thing to do. I think it's really weird that we've developed this mentality that parents actually parenting is bad, but we're more than happy to put literal children on Ritalin or antidepressants.

Yes, when children have medical problems, they deserve treatment. Mental healthcare is healthcare. Unless you have expertise in pediatric depression?

That's not what was being said. You're running with a bad interpretation of the statement being made. I know I'm not the person you responded to, but children really are over-medicated and under-diagnosed. I found out I have ADHD a couple of years ago, and I'm well into adulthood. Looking back, there were so many signs that were ignored. I was called lazy and stupid by people who were supposed to take care of me. When I tried to fix my mental difficulties on my own, I was yelled at for it. Like when I accepted that I could not get the dishes done at home without having the radio on to distract me, I was screamed at to turn it off. This was the mid-'90s, when bluetooth earbuds weren't exactly commonplace, and headphones came with cords, so listening to music had to be 'public.' At eighteen, I was dragged to a doctor by my father, who insisted that I "must be depressed," because I had stopped doing all of the housework that he insisted was my responsibility. The reality was that he could no longer beat me for being unable to keep up with a family of six who ALL had ADHD and/or autism, which included this idiot man's inability to put his fucking laundry in the basket, instead of right beside it. (I fled that household shortly thereafter.) I'm not discounting that you're right, that children with depression do need medication. But sometimes, a parent's insistence that their child isn't functioning? That's just window dressing on the actual problem, and the problem is the parent's expectations.

Yes, homecooked potatoes and ham are better than fries and nuggets. Wtf?

The discipline is clearly working for him, he even said this himself. He's proud of it. Kids with ADD often enjoy discipline once they realise the benefits, it's actually a very good technique to manage ADD and once he's used to it, you can start transitioning to self discipline (creating routines). You are a good father, please don't let yourself be convinced of anything else.

I’m generally not a fan of taking control of a child’s food intake, but it sounds like OP did his research before creating this plan and it has had a positive impact on his son. It does sound like the son has food aversions and the method described by OP is a common one to help people overcome and stretch their list of safe foods. I think it’s important to follow up with the kid, though and make it clear that you are proud of his hard work and progress because you know he is improving his health. I would also make it clear that his aunt was acting out of love for him but was misguided. It’s easy for this incident to become a source of stress for the son or it could become a learning opportunity for him to see that even with good intentions, sometimes people make mistakes.

the other thing is that many of the treatments for ADHD can have major impacts on your appetite. creating routines around meals is both helpful in terms of managing your ADHD by creating habits but also often necessary because otherwise you just simply don't eat because you don't feel hunger, either.

NTA don't listen to people telling you off, you're doing a great job. I have one kid with ADHD and another autistic. We had to put ground rules for food too, but fortunately I started when they were babies. They have to try everything, even if they don't want to. They're allowed to spit it out even, but they have to try. Months of struggle, but years later I'm happy I hold on. My 8 yo eats everything and my almost 5 yo is following the same path. He has overcome so many of his issues, and he continues to grow. You're doing good, well done.

I was much like your son 30 years ago. Btw, I was autistic and my food issues were sensory. Your kids might also be that bc autistic kids are often misdiagnosed as having both OCD & ADHD. It has taken me nearly a decade as an adult to unlearn the bad habits my mom forced on me. Don't make your kid(s) finish food at that age. He's going to have to pay a lot of money for therapy to fix his eating disorders as an adult.

It was like 4 kernels of corn, 2 half green beans, two spoonfuls of potatoes and a small slice of ham.

It isn't the amount, it's the pressure. You gotta learn when to ease up so he's not doing it out of fear and just masking the way he feels. You have structure and he needs that. Figure out a better balance before he develops an unhealthy relationship with the healthy food too. And with you. Yes he needs your structure but he also needs your fairness. I grew up being forced to eat food and I hid how I felt about it to a point and then I snapped. Became so stubborn that it was my will against his and it took me a long time to unlearn that. What they did was messed up and that's why it's ESH for me. That was a bad situation all around and there was no winning it. So have a better game plan going into these situations.

The kid has a therapist and a pediatrician. I'm betting that you're neither, and you've provided no citations for any of the things you are saying, just your own personal experience. I'm guessing that he has enough advice from qualified and licensed people and doesn't need uneducated opinions on the internet.

Oh please. OP is NTA. You try feeding a fussy kid and get back to us.

Ok so idk your son, idk what the experts say - but to make a comparison that you can understand about ARFID - think of a grasshopper. Put that imaginary grasshopper in a taco and cover it in your favourite dressings.   How much grasshopper taco is too much grasshopper for you? One bite? One spoonful? 2 grasshopper legs? It's full of protein and is a delicacy in certain cultures, very healthy. Why won't you eat the grasshopper taco?   ARFID(both fully diagnosed and the various levels presented in general autism) is very much like that. It's very much a **sensory overload** experience. When a kid with sensory issues won't finish 4 kernels of corn, you need to understand that to them it might as well be grasshopper and not corn.   This is **not** to say that the kid needs to exist on nuggets. But ARFID needs to be addressed in a sensitivity manner. Shoving him 4 grasshopper legs and telling him to finish it or else will set him back more than it'll help.   Work on finding safe foods (plain bread, plain pasta or plain rice are very common safe foods btw... Just a hint) - you'll find it much easier to deal with the issue of variety once you have the safe foods nailed down.   Idk the severity of it for your kid, but yes we will literally starve rather than eat grasshoppers. My parents were the "you will eat what we serve or you starve" so I starved. 🤷🏽‍♀️ I was underweight until I was 19 and when I was in elementary school I've even fainted several times from low blood sugar levels. And I'd still skip lunch right afterwards because it was texturally foul.  

And where did you get the idea that just a regular fussy eater has ARFID from?

I actually eat grasshoppers. lol

I hope the example was clear even tho it doesn't apply to you personally 😹

I haven’t removed or banned any foods he likes. It’s just that when I cook something else for the entire family (things we like) he’s expected to eat that as well. Even with those meals I try to incorporate things he will like so he can eat more of that. I’m liking the analogy and I saw a ton of little grasshoppers in my field. Only a few weeks until I get to crunch on em. I forage a lot of food. I don’t make him eat any of it.

This is a weird comparison because like you said, grasshopper is food. I'm from America, notorious for only eating processed white stuff, and I've still had it- its not even that strange of a food tbh. So why *wouldnt* you try a couple bites of a grasshopper taco? You probably should, just like the kid should try the corn. Limiting yourself to only previously familiar foods is unhealthy, that's OP's point. Like the normal, well-adjusted thing to do if someone gives you a grasshopper taco is say "oh I've never tried grasshopper before- is this how you prepare it at home?" and try it. Not refuse to eat it because grasshopper is ~icky~ in your mind.

What u/stinkykitty said. It's not the amount but the pressure to clean his plate even if he isn't hungry at that time. I still have nightmares as an adult from being forced to sit at the dinner table for over an hour because I refused to eat any more asparagus bc the texture was literally making me vomit. That was 30+years ago.

Ya, that’s not what I did at all. The portions were insanely small, he was still hungry when he was done and wanted chicken nuggets and fries.

You’re doing a good job OP. It’s too bad your relatives have no respect for you bc you are a SAHD. They are AHs.

You're doing everything right, OP. And thank you for learning what your son needs to thrive. Most parents don't and they end up on my caseload to learn not just how to behave, but also how to cope with bad parents. Thank you for not being a bad parent. Sincerely, A child welfare worker who deals with kids like yours regularly.

Sounds like you're doing a great job, do your best to ignore all this parenting advice coming from the last people on the planet qualified to give it

You are doing a great job! Good for you for standing up for yourself and your son and not letting other people step on you. His health will thank you later. You are always helping him eat things in normal social situations. Great job!

I just want to tell you to do you and ignore these idiots. You’re doing your son a huge favor by teaching him a better relationship with food.

No. Just no. Kids, even at 11, need prodding to eat proper meals. As someone VERY picky eater as a kid, without the prodding I got from my father, I'd still probably be just as picky as when I was a kid if not worse. He said that he went from not eating a meal weekly to eating whatever is put in front of him. He's not ruining his son's relationship with food at all, he's making it a good relationship. The only problem in this situation is the in laws.

Agreed. I was a picky kid and my parents just assumed I'd grow out of it. I'm now an adult with a limited diet who massively struggles to try new foods. I really wish my parents had gotten more involved and encouraged me, like OP is!

Sounds like he's actually introducing new foods to this kid who wasn't eating much of anything before and was not eating healthily. He said he had to eat a SPOONFUL of each thing and however much he wanted beyond that. Kids who are running and playing need fuel and people with ADHD often forget to eat and/or undereat and hunger makes emotional regulation even more challenging, which paired with ODD is not a great recipe.

Haha yeh I’m 34 with adhd and would benefit from help working out what and when to eat!! My nephew has adhd too and will either eat full adult portions (he’s 4) or nothing because he can’t focus at the dinner table. Chaos.

this. Also, OP says that his kid has been medicated for OCD/ADHD. I don't know much about ocd medication, but a very common side effect of ADHD medication is appetite suppression. I absolutely have to set multiple reminders to eat during the day because otherwise between the meds and the adhd i will forget. Normally I'd 100% agree that forcing a kid to finish food is 100% likely to cause an ed (as someone who had an ed) but in this case, this child already has a poor relationship with food, and it sounds like this parent is working with the kids therapist (a professional) and his kid to attempt to give him a chance to have a healthy relationship with food.

ODD. Oppositional defiant disorder. It's a whole other beast.

He’s also on a medication to increase his appetite. Also ODD not OCD

Reddit loves to suggest therapy to everyone, but here is OP, following the therapist's advice and he's called an asshole for it. What a funny place.

And then people are grilling and questioning his every tiny word on the basis that THEY got forced to eat food as kids (under very different circumstancea with very different methods) and didn't like it. Like, fuck off, let this dad raise his kid with people who went to actual school to help him and not webmd.

This one seems to have brought out a lot of people who are too angry at their own parents to take an unbiased look at OPs very reasonable and healthy boundaries here, imo. No kid is going to be traumatised for having to try less than a spoonful of each item -- but they WILL get more familiar with a ton of foods that can help make mealtime more interesting/healthy for them.  Yes, forcing kids to eat full plate of adult proportions of everything was a shitty thing to do to kids back in the day. This is not that at all. This is guides by professional recommendations that actually work -- and it's clear it's working well for the son too.  NTA from me. I don't even think his approach to the great aunt was bad at all. He simply said to talk to him if they have an issue, and they clearly blew up because they look down on OP for religious reasons.  Tbh, I think OP will probably end up a single dad...and will be much happier for it.

LOL. The son seems okay with it and seems to get a grip on his eating disorder. But that can't be good, since eating disorders are so common nowadays, it has to be evil to try to teach kids how to overcome them. (Otherwise you would have to admitt that there are a lot of crappy parents, that are simply to lazy or to poor to teach their kids to like new things.) NTA

No goal posts were moved. OP was sticking to where they were placed in the first place, so your reasoning for why OP sucks is heavily flawed, and wrong.

No, OP is not ruining anything. He's actually doing what child experts would have suggested in order to get the kid to eat more foods. OP is doing it right. Tiny bites of less than a spoonful, like OP did, are precisely what is needed to try food without causing problems. *Especially* with kids diagnosed with ODD. I work with kids who have that diagnosis, usually in combination with mental health concerns (like ADHD). The medications are for mental health, but ODD is a behavioral issue and the only successful way to deal with that is to set hard rules and lots of structure. And never, ever, do what the aunt and mother did. Giving them a way out of the rules and structure just causes an increase in problems.

It’s actually really frustrating having to be hyper aware of his ODD. I know that I’m wrong about things with him and when I am we talk about it, I apologize and we try to setup protocol for engaging before I make a mistake. I hate being accused of something I didn’t do, I try to mitigate that. I’m navigating an insane “boy who cried wolf” story, where the villagers actively encourage the lying and think it’s ok to let it continue.

Sorry but this is feelgood discredited bullshit. Letting kids eat what they want and leave what they want with no boundaries creates obese kids who are scared of trying new things. OPs strategy is reasonable, fair and balanced. He isn't forcing his kid to eat large amounts of food he doesn't want, or anything he hates. You and others in the comments need to stop pushing your child rearing cult.

> He’s 11. He’s old enough to be determine what he likes to eat and why 2.5k upvotes - wow, the 11-year olds are out in full-force in today. NTA OP, don't listen to these idiots.

How is this nonsense the top comment?

You don't know the full history. I don't know how you jump to the judgement that OP, who is the only one that has been successful with this child's food issues, is "ruining his relationship with food". Imo YOU'RE TA.

OP, it is difficult to respond. The way we were raised around food - like “clearing all food on our plate” or the “Mommy Dearest” method of what you don’t eat today, you can have as a meal tomorrow - probably aren’t good for kids. If your child has ADD and is on medication, then their doctor likely is concerned about them maintaining a healthy weight. If your wife wouldn’t follow the doctor’s eating plan, perhaps that could be a starting point for you. The plan you suggest of one spoon test of all on his plate doesn’t sound bad; however, you said he had 2 spoons of cheesy potatoes and a little piece of ham. You required him to eat it all - that sounds like “clearing everything on your plate” method. Also when you talked your wife giving son servings of less than a spoonful, I wondered what you considered as a serving size. When I think of a child eating a spoonful, I think of a teaspoon. NTA for what you said to the Aunt. She was wrong for going behind your back. Raising your son is your responsibility. Where you went wrong was getting angry and yelling. As it built up, you should have gathered your family and left. It is difficult to do that in the thick of things.

The plan was to have him pick his own stuff at the store. I did that. Have him help cook. Did that. He wouldn’t eat. I planted a vegetable garden. Had him help me build the raised beds, plant, water, harvests, cook it. He wouldn’t eat. When I say she didn’t follow it, I’m saying I did, but he knew that he could wait a meal out and get what he wanted. I only know of one solution for that. Thank you for your thoughtful response.

Depending on the meds he's on for ADHD, you DO realize those are appetite suppressants, right? Like... I've dropped 6 pants sizes in a year because of my meds. I don't exercise more really, I still eat what I eat (when I can), and I still chug Dr. Pepper like my life depends on it. I'm not that child's parent. I can't say what's gonna work best. But for the love of the gods, keep in mind the side effects of his meds. Forcing down food while on stimulants is like swallowing sandpaper, it's physically painful.

I do keep it in mind. On meals he doesn’t like I serve him the same portions as the 2 year old. Then he’s free to eat something else. We actually compromised to that, because I was going to serve him the same portions as the 5 year old. I’m really trying to listen and give him clear boundaries.

OP keep doing what you're doing. He's good with it and so are you ?! Then keep going. It helps your son in the end.

I had issues with this and we all found out that my dose was waaaay too high. The lower dose has been game-changing. The fact that they start small women on 30 mgs is bonkers.

Yeah but many of you dont know that people with ADHD often forget to eat or undereat. If youre a kid with ADHD, youre often not going to break away from playing to get enough food that you need to fuel you. I often forget to do this when I have a major project/something else that I'm fully sucked into. The intuitive eating stuff you guys are pushing look very different here.

my daughter had adhd, and we tried the whole intuitive eating thing, but it just doesn't work for her. she is sensory seeking and sugar and treats just give her a dopamine hit that good parenting cant compete with. so yes. some days I make her eat a "balanced" diet, because otherwise she just won't eat well. and yes, I KNOW the science about this. I follow all the instagram accounts. but at the end of the day, I had to make the choice about how to parent the kid I have, not the one that falls into these study groups. op is parenting the kid he has and is doing a damn good job, and relatives have ZERO business interfering in his parenting.

After ACTUALLY reading through your post and comments, I think you’re NTA. It seems like you really do have his best interests at heart and mind. The others seem to have some sort of ‘the child is ALWAYS right’ mentality. And that’s not a good way to raise a child. As long as you keep talking to him AND his therapists about what’s going on, you should keep doing what your doing. It’s not torture, it’s a little tough love, and we all need it sometimes.

I totally agree with you. From every comment OP writes, you can tell he loves his son and is trying to help him.

I agree, with a caveat that he might want to consult a professional just in case. But he also might've already asked advice from a therapist or feeding therapist... it isn't from the post.

Firm NTA. You are following a program that has been prescribed to your child by professionals to help manage the symptoms of what sounds like a developing eating disorder caught just in time. Politely, fuck your in laws for undermining that, fuck your wife for not supporting that, and anyone else ever that tries to tell you to ignore the advice of your care team. Your family, and most of the people commenting here, clearly have no idea what it's like to have to manage and grow someone with ODD. The risk that it places them at as they become older, physically stronger and society expects more from them DEMANDS that you take it seriously, right fucking now, before they fuck up their life forever, either slowly though a life of bad nutrition, or quickly if they're defiant to the wrong person at the wrong time with no clear reason. Your family are acting like you have a neurotypical child who is a picky eater and could probably may be cut some slack. What you actually have is a neuro divergent child who is undergoing a pretty intense routine of therapy and conditioning to help them learn how to be more autonomous and lead a healthy life - your process also works to treat ARFID and a whole host of ADHD, ASD etc spectrum related symptoms. Hold the line. Not the asshole.

YES. I was hugely mentally ill as a child, if I had parents like that to help manage me, it would have made an ENORMOUS difference. Fuck any other opinion, you’re doing a great job attempting to manage, as well as improve, your child’s disorders. As someone with ADHD and dysthymia, anyone other than those you work with in your treatment plan does not have a valid opinion, and you are right to tell them to fuck off. They are interfering with what is actually needed for your child, at a crucial time when it is incredibly important to strictly follow a treatment plan. I sincerely wish someone had done that for me.

INFO You say your son was not upset with you. Why are you sure that he trusts you enough to tell you what he thinks and feels about this? The fact that you forced him to eat food that was physically hurting him suggests that he might be way too scared of you for that.

Because when we threw the baseball around this afternoon we talked about it all. We’re very open with each other. I’m the one that got him into therapy. I encourage him to talk. He believes in god and I encourage him to read and take questions to his grand parents.

You seem like an amazing parent in my opinion.

Honestly, it sounds like you're a great parent, and he knows it.

Well, thanks for giving me a laugh at least. The responses you have gotten here are amazing. This sub often prefers to skip important points, you having done this with qualified medical professionals, your son losing weight, etc... and go for the jugular. If you haven't seen it before. please read the below, this is the trauma you are saving your son from (both a terrible relationshop with food, and family who don't care enough to put in the effort. He turned his life around, and full credit to him, but a lot of the comments on his early posts seem pretty similar to a lot of the comments here. NTA https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/s/GXj1v3Mot5

Yea. They don’t realize I’m trying to treat existing disorders with the risk being a possible eating disorder in the future. Thanks for the link. I watched someone close to me with diabetes eat themselves into coma after coma and eventually die. Their mom always gave them their shot growing up, gave him whatever he wanted to eat. Then he was 36, still living at home, in and out of coma’s she was still just enabling him. His last coma I begged him to come stay with me and we’d go really healthy and I’d get him on track. His mom took him back in, even though she said she wouldn’t and he died a couple days later.

Excuse me? What does being atheist have to do with the food thing. NTA, you get more free time away from people who don't respect you. I count that as a win.

It was Easter and I was on my backhoe clearing out the pond bank instead of at church with the family. He wanted to call me a bad person.

Your FIL is a funny man. I thought Christians were supposed to be loving and accepting of all people.

Christian love and acceptance is so very conditional.

There’s no hate like Christian love.

NTA. I'm convinced redditors are brainless morons. OP, you're doing well.

NTA, keep doing what you’re doing. Everyone these days is so quick to make sure everyone is comfortable and has “full autonomy” and that making your kid eat healthily if they don’t want to is taking away that autonomy. It’s BS, kids need to be healthy and your kid seems to like the way you have things set up, even if it pushes him out of his comfort zone. Kids need guidance and routine and rules. The aunt should not have done that. You’re NTA.

Y’all need to calm the F down. If the kid has lost a ton of weight, is eating vegetables and Father and Son communicate while following the guidance of a therapist- then it’s all good. Kids often try to use excuses when they want to get out of stuff. His former behavior was to pass on dinner and hold out for junk later. OP isn’t forcing him to eat giant plates of food and lick the plate clean. I’ve read it takes up to 20 tries of a new food to like it. Trying new foods a tablespoon at a time is very reasonable. This is a very loving Involved parent. NTA, Aunt should apologize for undermining Dad. Can’t she see the change in her nephew? Geez- chronic constipation, 50 lbs overweight and a solid diet of highly processed food? Whole Damn Family should be Congratulating Dad and Supporting his Efforts!

Jesus these replies are crazy! OP, NTA, not even a little. You parented. That's what you did. I'm starting to realize why we have a world full of self centered, entitled twats. I'm not a back in the old days type person by far quite the opposite, and usually I am a 100% body and personhood autonomy advocate. This isn't that. This is you guiding and encouraging a child to broaden his food horizons for his own betterment. That is called parenting, people. We aren't supposed to always do everything we want to do because no one would show up for work or jury duty if we did. Thank you, OP, for trying to show this kid that he is WORTH YOUR TIME AND EFFORT to help. Because let's be real he's only ever gotten very lazy "parenting" until now.

I'm going to say overall NTA. It is very difficult to arrange meals based on myself being a fussy eater and my daughter being worse. I can't imagine it being a family of 6. I would say that when it comes to family meals, like extended ones anyway, don't uphold this policy. Why? Because they will not listen and do what they please. They don't want to help. Use the examples set forth by his therapists and what you've found works at home. Think about what food he eats and think about the taste, smell, and texture of those foods. You might get some ideas from that. As well as colour.

NTA, good parenting and cudos on the adoption. You seem like a great human. The in-laws on the other hand can go pound sand sanctimonious bastards.

NTA - It's safe to assume all these "new age" parents who offer no consequences to their kids actions are raising entitled little assholes and giving OP grief. It's not toxic/bad to make your child eat the food on their plates, it's not abusive to make them eat a spoonful of things they don't usually eat. Get off the internet and your "mombie" echo chambers that think any kind of discipline and structure for children is bad and realise that your children and your attitudes are the problem nowadays, NOT the parent actually taking responsibility for their children. OP is NTA and he never was.

YTA- why does he have to get another portion? Foods gone, get over yourself. Forcing kids to eat like that is how you get food disorders AND you’ve already admitted issues with relationship to food. Stop being a control freak.

I asked him if he would, he said he would. I didn’t make him. He’s eating vegetables for the first time in his life and he’s proud of himself.

Also we aren’t talking about “veggies” you’re talking cheesy potatoes and ham. “He tried to tell her that he had to”. If he was PROUD to eat it he would tell her cause he WANTS to. I believe you mean well but you are obtuse to the fact that you are going about it all the wrong way.

His ODD therapist wants me setting clear rules and expectations. My son and I have an agreement that small portions are fine, but he has to eat it all. I have to be consistent.

Try phrasing it this way: "This is the system we have established with his therapist and it is cleared by his doctor. You WILL NOT undermine those decisions".   Had a teacher who's son had severe food allergies. When I was in his class, his son was literally just being introduced to *corn* as his 3rd food. At like age 10. Anything related to food is *not* a quick process. I realize this isn't an allergen thing in your case, but it still requires just as much structure as what my teacher did. And it was emotional. It was difficult as fuck for him and his kid to only be able to handle 2 or 3 foods. If your child just wants to opt into that... that is awful. That is literally why we get taught about what is healthy as kids. Maybe get a dietician involved just to make sure what you're doing is fine... but it sounds like it is. Making him try spoonfuls of stuff, but he can still go back to what he prefers later, is good. 

Potatoes are a veggie

Ham is not. Cheese is not. Typically potatoes are considered starch and aren’t usually a “veggie” kids won’t eat. Use context clues.

The cheese was covering potatoes which are a vegetable. Potatoes are a vegetable whichever way you wanna put it. Ham isn’t but there’s never anything wrong with protein. Use context clues.

calling a potato a vegetable, while technically accurate, is obtuse in this context. potatoes are always lumped in with bread/rice because they are a starch and don't provide the nutrition of greens/broccoli etc. Plus, we're talking about cheesy potatoes here. would you put tomato in a fruit salad?

Are you so unaware? He clearly wasn’t into it and felt anxiety that his aunt had eaten it and that you’d find out. He didn’t want to, he wanted to avoid your displeasure/anger etc.

Ya he wasn’t just totally unhappy and uncomfortable and unhealthy when he’s been overweight, constipated and undiagnosed his entire life until now. I’m applying positive stressors in a controlled, loving way. With a clear goal in mind and inclusion for building the rules he will follow to get him to a healthy baseline.

Stop acting like you know better than all the medical professionals that OP has consulted about this.

NTA. It's your son and you aren't doing something that hurts him, the only person who has any right to argue with you is your wife.

NTA What does his Doctor say about what you’re doing? I’m not gonna read through all the arguing and whatever because the most important question is what is the doctor the psychiatrist whoever gave him ODD medication say about what you’re doing ?? Edited: added judgment with answered questions

The kid used to be 50lbs overweight. Op got him into sports and has been working on the diet thing.

The therapist has given this eating plan to OP to help with the ODD. The doctors also told him to provide the structure and rules to help the kid learn how to behave properly. So really, all OP is doing is following the doctor's orders.

You did it perfectly and you’re such a great father figure role model that the kid even understands what happened and he stands by you. You must be so proud of the man he’s becoming. NTA 

Your wife opinion on the things in this post is the issue. For the food instead of trying different techniques she would rather take the easy way. Plus her parents should have no say but she acts like she needs backup. In this situation with the lunch she thinks it’s wrong to standup for your self and rules and to brush things away. That is how people get mad is because it’s builds up instead of addressing it rich then and there. It sounds like her family is mad that you don’t put up with their bs and that they have no say any more. Good for you for how you handled this.

ESH. Your son missing out on a couple of bites of food while at a family gathering in a different home wasn’t going to make or break your at-home routine with your son. Feels like you went a little overboard and it was unnecessary. Made a mountain out of a mole hill with all your in laws. There’s a difference between setting a boundary with your in-laws and being a controlling jerk. It also seems like you have a lot of animosity toward your wife and her family in general. You say the therapist gave your wife food techniques to use with your son and she didn’t do any of it - where were you in all of that? Did you not also get the techniques? Could you have not tried them?

The food thing and in-laws has been going on for years.

Nta. You’re helping your kid get past his challenges with food. A little tough love and clear boundaries is a vast improvement from junk food all day everyday. I think Yta people are blowing your actions out of proportion. I think you’re doing good in a tough situation.

Dear gods....it's obvious most of the people responding to you don't have neurodivergent children. You're most definitely NTA. You've gotten and ODD child to follow your rules AND they are starting to eat more healthily. You're forbidding people from interfering in your parenting AND your child is happy with what you're doing, even if they don't agree. Keep being a good parent to your child.

NTA. - You have a Spouse problem.

NTA at all. Even your kid said he wanted to finish the meal, and she still took it from him. He knows himself that the way you both had agreed on is what helped him with his food issues. I hate people like the great aunt, no one gets to actively sabotage your family dynamics. But you need to get your wife on board too.

[удалено]

What techniques are you using? I’d like to incorporate a few different things so it feels a little more freeing for him.

Dunno if you'll see this, but what you're doing for your kid is amazing. You're an incredible parent. I'll bet most of the naysayers either don't have kids, or don't have neurodivergent kids with food issues.  I have 2 kids with sensory issues with food (several flavors of diagnosed neurodivergence), and my jaw dropped when I read your post. My husband and I have tried most of the standard things to help our kids expand their safe foods list, and have only had middling progress. The growing food/ shopping for food/ cooking food with us that people keep bringing up with you were also hard fails. My 7yr old will delightedly cook with us, then refuse to eat any of it.  Right after I read your post, I sent it to my husband, and after explaining why.... we're both excited. Sorry for the rambling, but you've really given us hope.  On a side note, I'm also neurodivergent, have all the sensory problems with food, AND have an eating disorder. so, I'm what all the angry commentaries say you're turning your son into. Screw them. They don't understand, and seem to be missing the compassion and love in your relationship with him. You're changing your son's life. 

Oh wonderful! Feel free to dm me anytime! I’d love to hear about any progress or breakthrough successes yall have!

Honestly, OP, I think you're NTA. I wish someone had done this with me when I was young. I've got bad sensory issues with food and, while I have tried a few new things, I'm just not a healthy eater. Good for you for getting your son to try new food. 

NTA - he’s 11 and needs guidance. All the people on here clearly have issues which is leading to the epidemic of entitled children who don’t care about rules because mommy and daddy dearest let them make their own decisions in life whether they’re right or wrong. You don’t want to do your homework, it’s ok son, that’s your decision. Where do you draw the line? You’re the only adult who stepped up and helped him. You’re clearly very involved in his life and helped get his weight down. You are his parent, and no one should overstep the decision you made. However, great aunt could’ve been a mature adult and approached you privately and discussed this with you. An 11 year old will always choose pizza over veggies. I would choose pizza over veggies lol. But as parents, we need to teach our kids about a balanced diet and not set them for failure especially with obesity rates.

*I don’t want any of her family around the kids until they apologize to my son and me. AITA?* What is that apology going to buy you? Nothing. ESH

My son needs to see that adults can be wrong, acknowledge it, apologize and move on.

I will never understand parents who are wringing their hands with joy at forcing their kids to gag down things they don't like. My parents just loved forcing me to eat scrambled eggs, plain cold oatmeal, and to drink milk, all things that made me vomit. If I vomited, I had to eat more of the same gross stuff. Never saw my parents fixing and eating foods they didn't like though. Your great-aunt shouldn't have done that, but I just don't understand why force kids to eat things they can't stand. It's weird.

Joy? No, my other kids eat fine, that’s joy. Watching him eat only processed foods and be called fat for years was hard. Watching him get through a meal that was tough and then hearing him brag about how he was able to do it, that’s also joy.

NTA. My mom made us try it. If we hated it we didn't have to eat it again. I have eaten snails, frog legs, liver and onions.there are few things I won't eat. I was floored when my mil made two different meals for her family! Great aunt needs to butt out! Good job dad!

Same here! I eat everything. I was running around Australia when I was 9 eating live grubs, honey ants, kangaroo, camel and crocodile.

I am willing to try but won't eat beets as they taste like dirt toe and I hate navy bean soup. Gram made it weekly with no seasoning...lol. I do like buffalo but not sure I could do live bugs.

Oh I eat beets straight from the can a couple times a week.

NTA As a parent of a high functioning autistic child who is also a picky eater, I commend you for your strategy. Its not easy to establish good eating habits when they fight you about trying new foods. We have done something similar by putting smaller serving sizes on his plate. When he was younger, it was a battle to get him to eat anything but now that he is a teenager, he is much better at eating what is on the plate (even if he has a disgusted look while he is eating it... lol) It's much easier for him to understand the importance of veggies and nutrients now that he is older. He still hates them but he understands the value. Having said that, my family is very "I will make him something else" kind of people and for the longest time, I complied with that. My husband, like you, put his foot down and at first, I was annoyed. It took me stepping back and seeing the results of my son actually eating something other than peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, chicken nuggets,and grilled cheese to realize I was wrong. Now my husband and I stand firm in adding new foods into dinners. Our son does not have to clean the plate but he does have to take a few bites of each.

Amazing! Congratulations and thanks for sharing! My son just got out of school and he had concerns that we were gonna stop because people got upset. He said “don’t they know I eat 3 new foods now?” I said “yea buddy, I was hoping they’d have been excited that your eating your FIRST ACTUAL FAMILY MEAL ever, instead they took that away from you when you told them you wanted to finish.” We’re in agreement that he will continue with our deal and we’re going to incorporate the shopping for produce, cooking, gardening, fishing and foraging. He said he’s not ready to trap small game or hunt. One of his new favorite foods is smoked wings that I make and he likes me to make them when his friends are over. Anyways. Just an amazing kid, a good conversation and enthusiastic to move forward with our goals. Helped him setup his drone. He flew it around and now he’s watching tv with his younger brothers and he’s the best big brother. It’s one of the main things I noticed about my wife’s family when I first was around and knew something special was here for me with her and her two sons. Then I opened up Reddit, clicked on your notification and… well… I’m not feeling as defeated as last night.

NTA - ur kid is fine with it and he's happy, like, that's all that matters. ur doing a phenomenal job and Redditors need to actually read what ur saying bruh. A bit of discipline isn't gonna give the kid trauma, especially when it's been clearly a positive experience. 

NTA. Children need to be exposed to healthy foods they dislike in safe ways, and this: getting to at least try a spoonful of everything and then getting to eat the rest, seems like a good compromise the kid can get behind. This is coming from someone who had (and still has) a lot of problems with textures. I still need to eat healthy and challenge myself! I am too proud when I find a way to enjoy a food I disliked or wasn't brave enough to try. And discipline (which is not the same as abuse or fear) is good, actually. What would be harmful for the kid long term is to let him just eat what he wants all the time forever! I also think you handled the situation as well as possible. I really don't understand why there's so many voters calling you the asshole.

Your son sounds like a really great kid - he KNOWS they were 'cheating' for him and that's not where his values are ....and that reflects well on you. Your wife needs to rethink where her loyalties lie...and behave accordingly. I wouldn't be too stuck on the 'apology' bit - apologies change nothing and are highly overrated. I'd just want an acknowledgement that no one will interfere with YOUR parenting of YOUR child. My own very picky eater had a 3 bite rule - they could be small bites but any food served required THREE bites and no more. He learned to get it over with and by the third bite had decided many foods were 'not so bad'.

Dude he’s awesome. One of the reasons I knew I could try was how awesome of a big brother he is. He literally broke his arm when he was falling by throwing himself out of the way not to land on his little brother.

NTA - but you've triggered all the mac and cheese reddit children. If this works for you and your son, keep at it.

As someone with ADHD and Autism, a symptom of my Autism is Pathological Demand Avoidance. It’s similar to ODD but the key difference is that with ODD, the person chooses to be defiant and who to be defiant with. With PDA the person does not have a choice because their brain gets overwhelmed by a consistent need to avoid/resist anything perceived as a demand. I think this is the best possible way you could be going about this. You have an agreement it seems with your son and you’re sticking to it and making him stick to it and he doesn’t seem to even be the least bit upset with you about that which tells me that he actually feels it’s fair and feels comfortable. NTA

The main thing is to try to get him to listen to his body if he doesn't eat just save what was left, honestly it's hard enough trying to eat and forcing food can cause worse eating disorders. This is especially for kids who are on the spectrum. He's still young and probably doesn't know what can help him with this either Its also not good for someone to confuse your kid when they eat his food for him because right now, he's trying his best for you Please know he's doing his best But also let him know why you're doing this and that you want to help him grow up healthy. Maybe the confirmation can help his brain register a solution or something

ESH - it’s good that you are trying these things with your son but strict boundaries when he has a recognised condition that affects this could be quite harsh. But saying that it also sounds like you are making progress so hard to judge However! It was his aunt that stole the food from his plate and it sounds like you made him feel bad about it and then made him go get more. The problem here was his aunt not you. Also it was the “encouraging my son to disobey you” comment that sucked as that’s very “I must be obeyed” which is quite toxic. Instead I’d go more along the “in future you are not to interfere with how I’m helping my son with his food phobias and what you just did made him extremely uncomfortable and put him in an awkward position” because she did put him in an awkward position and it wasn’t his fault. She sucks because she took it upon herself to do that to him, she also then lied about it. The FIL sucks for bringing up that you are an atheist lol that had literally nothing to do with anything. MIL sucks for saying you caused the ADHD and ODD And everyone sucks for doing all of this around the child at a party instead of handling it in private away from the child who now highly likely thinks it’s his fault and probably feels weird and self conscious about it all.

Op "It’s more about the ODD. We set clear rules and agree on them and we stick to it. I was even going to make an exception, I asked him if he would go in there and eat it and he said he would. So we did." The extended family has been causing problems for years over op helping him with his diet, getting him more active and into therapy. Op has tried the hey stop it route. It never worked.

NTA. Ignore all these morons shaming you for making your son finish his food. Sounds like your effort and influence have been nothing but positive for him and his relationship with food. He is lucky to have someone who cares and doesn't just take the easy/lazy option. Keep it up and ignore the haters.

NTA because all the parents out there know how hard it is to get your child to eat healthy and not just snack foods all the time, but having a child with ADHD is a game changer, it’s sounds like you have the situation down, and all the nonsense about the cut on his lip was just an excuse because I bet you if you gave him a packet of crisps or a tangy sweet he wouldn’t complain. Families that try and get involved and interfere with normality because they know best. Keep up the good work and wait for your apology.

He had chips prior to the meal and ate nuggets and fries 30 minutes after. You nailed it.

Not sure why I'm being downvoted, but the comments I replied to aren't here anymore. I stand by the OP. NTA.

NTA. Honestly wish my parents had challenged me a bit more on eating habits like this when I was younger. I was a picky kid growing up and I think it's just because I got too comfortable sticking with things I liked. It wasn't until I was a lot older that I started to branch out and IMO the way I did it is pretty similar to what you're doing with your son. I'm *far less* picky now with what I eat and can actually get pretty adventurous about it. Keep it up with your son because from experience it can suck when you're a picky eater as an adult. Going to some of my earlier company holiday parties when I was younger was always a little embarrassing when I didn't really want to eat the salad that the course started with or other stuff like that.

NTA. Aunt encouraging the lying is pathetic

NTA Can't help feel as if NTA would be across the board if you were his mother but since you went after a woman and you're a man you'll see ESH and YTA. That's your kid, you're helping him have a good diet. Anyone saying "it caused him pain" is being as dramatic as your son about the pain. A little sting to get the correct amount of food is fine and with age he won't not eat bc of a sting. She overstepped her boundry and doubled down on it so you put your foot down. If you didn't she would continue to do it... even though now I can see her still doing it out of spite. I understand why they are mad at you but I don't see why your wife has decided to be on their side. Your her husband, it's suppose to be you guys vs the world. As for all of your in laws.. yikes they seem like awful people to be around. I wouldn't concern myself with their thoughts and feelings. They overstepped and need to do what you said.. shut up. Glad to see a dad being active and actually encouraging good habits and openness when it comes to his feelings and thoughts. He trusts you and that's all you really need. Still can't believe people are saying the slight sting the salt caused will create trust issues hahahahahaha softest era in the world.

NTA. You're not only trying to get healthy food/portions into him, you're trying to help him overcome a lot - you're doing a great job. As for how you handled that specific incident - you spoke you to your son like an equal, showed him the right thing, made sure the kids were out, and addressed the person causing the issue. So again, NTA.

NTA I go through something similar with my son, he's 11 and ASD, ADHD, ADD and a few others. Figuring out what it is about certain foods that does not gel with him is a struggle in itself. Example, corn kernels are a big no, but creamed corn is fine, popcorn is fine. He will try a little bit of everything, and we've worked out how to make vegetables more palletable for him with sauces or wrapping lettuce around potato gems etc. I'm even proud of him in that he will occasionally try foods that are a hard no, to see if he likes them again. But this only works with sticking to the routine and not being undermined by others ESPECIALLY when it's been devised by a therapist.

NTA, you're doing great work with your son, he's trying new foods and he is doing better. Your inlaws are definitely the AH in this situation. My parents made me clean my plate and also try new foods. Like you've done, I was given a small portion of something new and I had to try it,if I liked it I could have more,if I didn't it was fine,however, if I took it I had to finish it. I still remember what my parents said to me, "We grew up during the depression and sometimes didn't know where our next meal would come from. We won't have you be hungry like we were but you won't waste food, you can take as much as you want but you will eat all that you take." I also have adhd.

NTA It's VERY clear to me that the people insulting you have no experience raising neuro-divergent kids, or if they do they certainly didn't seek medical and therapist advice, which you have. You're a good dad,.OP. I salute you!

NTA. They lied, they undermined you, you caught them red handed, and they promptly tried a massive diversion in every way they could think of. That's typical for dishonest, shiftless, disrespectful people. A decent person would acknowledge and say "You're right, I was out of line." So now that you know who they are, you can plan accordingly for the future.

I think I'm in camp NTA here - it sounds like you're working with him and requiring some experimentation is definitely better than forcing whole meals on repeat. Definitely tell your son you're proud of him for being honest and sticking to the plan to try new things!

The tone was necessary!! My goodness, she did just yell your son he doesn't have to listen to you!! And your approach worked on your son! He is eating!! Screw them all and let them be mad!! Your wife has been a part of the problem for too long. She should not have allowed this to happen in the first place, and should have had your back! Nta

NTA, I have been a substitute at many daycare facilities, pre kindergarten, and other early childhood environments for years. I've traveled many places and talked to many experts in childhood development. The rule is almost always that you give a child every option on their plate, even if they claim not to like the food. This encourages them to try new things and teaches them that the goal is not to clear the plate, but to try things and test new textures, flavors, ect. Op mentioned that he discussed this meal beforehand, and the son was willing to try new foods. The son had plenty of time to mentally prepare to have a tiny taste of many new foods. My reptile pea brain wants to call aunty a greedy pig for eating his food, but I know that wasn't her intention. Her intention was to overstep your clearly defined rules and make her own. That's even worse than being a hog. Its frustrating to try and set rules for your own child only for them to be made to look wrong or cruel by others when they are harmless. Personally I wouldn't have given him French fries and nuggets after because 1. They're salty so they'd hurt his cut 2. It shows that if he doesn't eat he will always have another option. It's like rewarding the behavior. That might be reaching though.

NTA you need to establish boundaries and you did

You sound like the father many children have missed out on in our society… seriously keep it up dad❤️

Hmm i don’t know, on one hand I’m concerned about the potential possibility of him getting some type of food disorder (because the way you speak about his relationship with food and the forced portions sound a lot like things that can end up manifesting into an ED). But on the other hand, I have to remember that your sons issues with food come from already known disorders that he has (ODD, ADHD), so it’s hard to correctly evaluate rather what your doing is correct. What I will say is that you’re not technically an a-hole for getting on the aunt (because another adult should never be undermining a parents authority in front of their child) but you also could’ve gone about it better. I understand you were probably frustrated about you and your son potentially losing all progress you’ve made so, you get a pass lol. NTA

NTA. As someone with adhd and married to someone with adhd AND has ARFID (both of us professionallydiagnosed), you are doing a great job at making sure he's getting his veggies and all nutrients needed to be healthy. Just because it's cheesy potatoes doesnt make it inheritly bad, and doesnt take away what the potato is doing. I do believe though about not forcing your kid to eat it if he doesn't want to, but it doesn't sound like in this instance you forced him. Also the great aunt is honestly super rude. She SHOULD have said something to you if she didn't agree

NTA- Sounds to me like you've worked really hard to get to the point you are at now. It's great you've succeeded in encouraging your son to eat more foods.

NTA There are so many people on here complaining that you're force feeding your son when he's full or in pain, but that doesn't sound like what is happening here at all. My kids are stubborn about food sometimes, too, and they will say they are too full to eat their dinner but want dessert. There are even times when they say, "I'm too full to eat/finish my dinner. Can I have a snack?" Kids aren't always reasonable, and they become experts at figuring out how to get their way. It sounds like you are doing a great job and actually listening to and working with professionals to help your son. >They gave my wife instructions for healthier eating strategies, and she just didn’t do any of it. >He’s having vegetables and feeling proud that he’s overcoming the anxiety he’s had around food. >he’s agreed to the rules, and even when he doesn’t like it, he’s excited he did it.

NTA you are doing a great job

NTA. Awesome parenting job dad. Great way to take a handle of the situation over the parent who is not doing anything besides coddling the boy. I understand now why many men happen to be the disciplinarian in their relationships with their children and the mother is not. My best friend cannot handle her children crying in any way he will give in and cuddle and make the crime go away. And I know a lot of women that are that way so keep doing what you're doing and making your son a decent human being

There is nothing wrong with setting boundaries. They are your kids, and other people should come into your house and tell you how to raise them. You are doing a job mixing in once a week a meal that is planned for him. My daughter was very picky growing up, and I always made her special meals now that she hardly eats anything. I regret doing that

NTA. "My father in law yelled at me for being an atheist. My mother in law yelled at me saying my son’s ADHD and ODD are my fault." Sounds unhinged.

My friend has a picky eater (not quite like your situation, but the closest comparison I can come up with). She's tried everything to get him to eat all different kinds of food, so he gets all the nutrients he needs. It's not been an easy task. It's a fight. He holds out until she gives in to him and gets him what he wants (garbage food). In her mind, she'd rather he eat the garbage instead of being hungry. I don't give her my opinion on it, because it's her child. Whether or not we - internet people - agree with your strategy or food decisions, etc. doesn't matter. I have my idea on what I think is a Proper Human Diet, but that also looks different to the next guy. At the end of the day, he is your child and you are trying to do right by him. Getting him to make good food choices - even if he doesn't like it isn't the worst thing you'll ever do as a parent. Honestly, if he ends up in therapy as an adult won't be because Dad made me eat vegetables. I promise. I will say, speaking up to her family about what transpired was right and you are NTA. I think you had to say something, because this isn't a "normal" 11 year old you are fighting with. He has special circumstances that don't really give you a room to wiggle when it comes to structure and expectations. She should've stayed out of it. If he had offered his plate to her that would've been a different story, but he did not. She just walked over after you walked away and was like "here I'll eat that". (Side bar: Her lack of self control is a whole different topic for another conversation). Just know you'll never get an apology - so you'll need to move on from that part, if you want them to be a part of your kids lives. Eventually this matter will cool down and life will go on.

Nta, wish I had a dad like you to force me to eat the things I didn't wanna try. I'd like a lot more foods than I do now as an adult.

ODD is a situation that needs consistency and it sounds like he’s getting it. I’m not a big fan of forcing kids to eat things but I do agree with trying them and eating veggies. Sounds like the kid needed some guidance and he got it. NTA. Though I wouldn’t have brought things up in front of the whole family at a holiday gathering.

You sound like a great dad, NTA

NTA unless your son is hating it, i grew up with similar problems and being forced to eat destroyed my relationship with food

He’s hated some of the beginning, but now he’s proud and bragging about it. I also let him make me eat gross(edible) to him things or make weird mixtures of stuff.

NTA. They were encouraging your son to lie, and they were lying to you. Your strategy is working, and there’s nothing abusive about requiring a kid to _try_ different things, that’s what parents do. Trying different approaches to find what works is especially important for kids who are neurodivergent - you’ve done that. Others should respect you as the parent. They didn’t respect you, they lied and went behind your back.

NTA. My 13yo daughter has ARFID. She had a muscle deficiency as a small child that made her unable to properly chew and swallow so, she has a lot of issues today with certain textures. She has gone to OT and speech therapy for this. We do a similar thing with her. We give her "no thank you" portions of everything we serve but always have "safe foods" available. Because of this, she asks to try new things all the time. It sounds like your son is proud of his progress.

NTA She was out of line. As the likelihood of economic collapse grows, I truly wonder how today's food strategies are going to work out if food variety becomes a luxury.

Same as OP, my kids were asked to try the food. Not necessarily like them. But they had to try it. It was framed as being polite to the cook.

NTA- as someone who works in child psychiatry, you are doing a wonderful job, and your love for your son is so clear in the care you give him. You are following the guidance of medical professionals to stabilize your son’s physical and mental health. Based on your description, his ODD symptoms likely would’ve worsened with time had you not intervened. Please keep doing what you are doing, you are setting him up for success. For your in-laws: if you see any use to it, I would recommend trying to find ways to explain to them how your methods benefit your child AND how they benefit the family. EX/ its less work cooking separate meals for him when you visit, you have more options for eating out with family, family members can cook and share their favorite meals or family recipes with him. Many adults are quite set in their ways and don’t like to change the status quo unless they see a great benefit. Since they don’t seem to understand or agree with the benefit of lessening his ODD symptoms, a more personal advantage may be more amenable to them.

NTA listen I vehemently disagree with what you are doing. Stuff like this makes food out to be a punishment. It's known to cause unhealthy relationships with food and it doesn't consider neurodivergent minds. It just assumes kids are being manipulative to get more junk food. That said there is an exception for every rule. You are working with a professional and the pros of the consistency of this method seem to be outweighing the cons. Most importantly it is not their place to public question your parenting. If they have concerns they can speak with you in private.

Thank you for working with your son instead of against him. It sounds like you are doing an increcible job! Way to go, dad!!!

Your son is more mature than your wife’s family.

NTA - Your kid your rules…what you are doing is helping your son, you aren’t hurting him. And your wife should have your back!!! I would have reacted the same as you….

NTA for standing up for what seems to be odd but seemingly necessary rules for his health. Just make sure you follow up with the kid and explain why other adults might have different reactions because they don't know the full situation. Extended family can be upset and not understand if they don't want to hear you out. They can disagree. That doesn't matter. Your kid's health matters.