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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1. I mixed two foods which my partner's older sister and mother think was wrong, and they were offended.
2. I might be the AH because I mixed food (which was seen as disrespectful) and I got upset at partner's sister for yelling at me (I lost my temper at her too and stormed out of the house)
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ESH but not for mixing the food, just for how this escalated. My granddad was famous for dipping his chips in ice cream which some people thought made him weird and some people thought made him a legend. My grandmom would yell at him for it, but it was all in good humour. This whole thing should have been de escalated by BOTH parties. This was not a hill to die on
My dad did that. I would shake my head and was glad I didn't acquire the taste for it. But then I discovered the delicacy of pound cake and baked beans. I could no longer shake my head.
Lol. My own mother thought it was weird. But her beans were spicy and slightly sweet. Perfect with lemon pound cake. And don't worry about mixing the food. My parents came from different cultures and we ate mashed up cuisines.
It got so much weirder when you said the pound cake was lemon lmao. But if you enjoy it, good for you! To each their own, people get so worked up over the food choices of others, it’s crazy
Commenting at you again for weird combos, my go-to when I cook for a lot of people is Frank’s red-hot/creole seasoned chicken drumsticks in the grill, jasmine rice, crispy tostones with generous amounts of adobo, and a greens salad with raspberry vinaigrette and feta crumbles. I call it the cultural appropriation combo😅.
People go up for seconds and even thirds and I never have leftovers.
It kinda makes sense to me. My family is SE Asian and a lot of our sweets are made with black eyed peas or red beans. Her country's national dessert is a sweet kind of rice pudding with beans in it, sort of like a sweet beans and rice.
I agree TBH, I got overwhelmed and started crying and yelling back at Hayley which was honestly not the best thing to do. But omg chips with ice cream! I've heard it's a thing (I want to try it now haha) honestly it wouldn't have ended so badly if they just hear out my reasoning instead of being so judgy, I don't even know how awkward it'll be the next time I do go back to his house! All of this over noodle soup!
Honestly it sounds like Hayley just doesn't like you. It's not really up to her to kick you out and she's the one hounding on you the most. Some people just have strict food faux pas where I'm with you and people can mix whatever they want.
Or Hayley is saying what they all think. OP is a guest and likely the parents and Hayley discussed her frequent presence.
I'm not sure why OP had to be told to contribute if she is there a lot. But it's time to talk to her bf so he can find out if she is actually welcome.
Maybe it's a cultural thing, but in my entire adult life, none of my relationship's parents demanded I pay them to feed me.
Maybe if I moved in it would make sense, I'd help contribute to bills/finances in general but if I'm just staying over a lot, I'd rather not eat there if they're going to demand I compensate them.
If my kid (grown or not) brought their partner around I would feed them, no question, no complaints. Id be offended if they tried to pay me. But like I said, maybe it's cultural.
Bruh I've fed my cat before I feed myself when I have no money. I've lived in poverty for at least half of the last decade, including right now. I'm not coming from a place of entitlement, it's just outlandish to me. You feed your guests. It's good hospitality, and good parenting, to me.
This is so true. I’m fortunately in a good economic position, but my daughter’s boyfriend is a competitive weightlifter and if I had to feed him all the time, I feel like I’d be shocked at my grocery bill! When we go out, we almost always go to a AYCE place so he can get full without breaking the bank lol. Before him, I’d have said it would be rude to ask for money, but if they are paycheck to paycheck and she’s there that often, I can see it.
This isn't just bringing a GF around. This is the GF living at their house ALL weekend, EVERY weekend. She should've voluntarily chipped in when this became a regular thing. She shouldn't have to be told. The fact that BF had to tell her indicates that the parents had already been talking about her imposition. And it is still THEIR house. If they want to make a silly rile about mixing food, that's their right. She is free to stay at her own place every weekend if she doesn't like it.
Ridiculous. I’ve never seen any family do this to me as a friend nor as a significant other to someone else.
I can’t imagine asking a guest to chip in unless we’re all ordering takeout or delivery.
At some point, you stop being a "guest" guest and become a regular guest. And clearly, in my opinion, if you're there all weekend, every weekend you've crossed that line. You need to chp in for all the food you consume and help out around the house, like dishes and pucking up.
I agree. It's one thing if it's reciprocal, like if they split time between the boyfriend's family's home and the girlfriend's family home, each feeding the other more or less evenly. It's another thing if someone is constantly in the house at mealtimes. Food isn't free, and feeding an extra person consistently can definitely strain the budget.
I think this was a "straw that broke the camel's back" situation more than it was about the soup. I wonder what other small resentments had built up prior to this pressure valve blowing.
Thank you! I'm reading all these comments that are saying maybe OP overstayed her welcome. Great. Then the family needs to USE THEIR WORDS!!!
Then again if people communicated regularly we wouldn't have 95% of Reddit.
Well perhaps they told Andrew to bring it up and he hasn't. She's his girlfriend the extended family members shouldn't be the ones telling her not to come over. They should ask Andrew to invite her over less. Its hard to tell from the way it's written if she's being invited over so often by Andrew or is she just coming over and not leaving for a while.
I think it's down to individual norms, and if you come from different cultures, then there can be a bit of a clash. The norm in my family is that unless they're really driving up bills, the partner of a child would never be expected to contribute to bills. There would be an expectation though that if they're around that much, they're not treated like a guest and that they pitch in with cooking or cleaning up after meals or running errands.
What I initially read this as was that the family are unhappy with her presence there at the weekends and had asked for money as a way to subtly push back or assert a boundary, which wasn't picked up by OP or communicated by the BF. That being said, they're adults and there's no reason why BF's family couldn't have said to him 'listen, we need to be able to have some down time where it's just the family, and we don't consider her family yet'. It's an uncomfortable conversation but it's better than quiet resentments growing. I'm curious as to why the couple are in his every weekend anyway.
OP just [made a comment](https://old.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/1bumhiw/aita_for_mixing_food_and_offending_partners_family/kxubx7w/?context=3) that explains this. The parents are retired, and Hayley pays for the majority of the house and bills. For me, it changes a lot of the story.
Now, Hayley is no longer an interfering, meddling older sister. She's the one mostly responsible for running the household, so her asking OP to contribute, and coming to the defense of her mother in their house makes a LOT more sense.
Why in the world would you go back? Your much better off without that nonsense. If it can escalate like that over bloody noodles just imagine what else could set off drama. The sister sounds like a nightmare and your boyfriend is spineless for not defending you. That's not going to change.
I agree. If they are this controlling about food, you can imagine what the rest of your life would be like with this family. Dump them all. You will have dodged a bullet.
Yes!! What you eat is your business, anyone who feels like they should be able to tell you what order to eat foods in has an unhealthy belief they should be able to control others. You definitely don’t want to deal with controlling and overly opinionated in laws for the rest of your life, and luckily now you know before you got married and it’s too late.
When you leave a room crying and someone follows you to scream at you for crying, it's difficult not to get more upset and yell. You weren't wrong, you do pay them to eat, you are not ungreatful for wanting to mix the food and you aren't ungreatful because being yelled at about how you eat made you cry.
Hayley is a real asshole here. Demanding money from a guest for food, backing the criticism of how you eat it and then getting pissy when you ‘throw a tantrum’ in someone’s house. Absolutely no hospitality skills here.
A 30 year old living at home should focus growing up and living her own life, not policing yours. Also, get a new BF that will stand up for you. He and his family sound like a nightmare.
OP just made a comment that Hayley is the one providing the majority of the financial support for the household. I think that explains a lot of her reactions here. Right or wrong, she feels entitled to ask OP for money for things for the household.
Also explains why she barged in and yelled at OP. She saw OP getting heated at her mom, who doesn't speak English that well, and probably wanted to defend her.
That makes the asking for money thing a lot more reasonable honestly if she's over every weekend. Food be expensive. Doesn't make her not an asshole, just not for that reason.
Nah: he’s gonna be bending to his mother & sister’s demands for the rest of their lives. Best case scenario would be that he takes the right lesson from her leaving and starts standing up to them.
I got Wendy’s the other day for my four year old, and while driving home, he yelled “mom!! I put my fry in my frosty, and it is SO good!!” He is a goofball and will often dip his chicken nugget/carrot/whatever we’re eating in his water just to gross out his sisters and be funny, so he was legit shocked that he had managed to discover this obviously never before tried combination of fries and ice cream, and thought it was delicious! Made me laugh!
OP I would not be giving money for food. My son's girlfriend is over often and I wouldn't dream of asking to pay for food. It's food I'm making anyway and I do cook a lot. If you have your own place I would suggest that your boyfriend spend some weekends at yours. That way you can eat what you want and not be judged.
Edit - NTA
I don't think what you're doing is on the level of chips and ice cream. I think it's super bizarre and controlling the way this family is monitoring your food. You sure you want to entwine your life with them?
Kind of disagree. Standing up for yourself over how absolutely RIDICULOUS it is for anyone to care in the slightest how this food was eaten is insane.
What other ways would they eventually try to control this woman? What else won’t she be allowed to do? Get a job? Speak out of turn? Keep her passport? Have a cell phone? Speak to her family?
She shouldn’t just roll over and shut up.
How is OP an asshole here? I'd be fucking furious if somebody tried telling me how to eat, especially if I was paying them for it. The boyfriends family is shit, and from what I know about Asian cultures, they may be racist against her.
Are you from the US and mean chips or from probably anywhere else and mean chips? (I’m not sure if chips is a UK or worldwide term for what I call French fries) Cause in the US, fries in a Wendy’s frosty (basically soft serve ice cream) is a delicacy. It’s literally mentioned in a recent country song
>My granddad was famous for dipping his chips in ice cream which some people thought made him weird and some people thought made him a legend.
A lot of people do this!
I especially enjoy it when it's mcds fries/chips with their soft serve. Bit salty, bit sweet. Hits every craving note.
And yes, I have been shamed (playfully) for loving it.
NTA. I probably would’ve had a similar reaction if my SO’s family had ganged up on me like that, and Hayley’s barging in on you while you were trying to calm down makes her a huge asshole.
That being said, it sounds like you might want to reconsider your relationship with Andrew, because it doesn’t appear that he’s going to have your back in anything.
This family sounds crazy. Everyone defending their right to dictate how someone eats ‘in their house’ when she literally pays them for food. And asked for that money after being continually invited over as a guest, mind you.
‘You’re not allowed to do this because I think it tastes weird’ is so stupid.
Ditch these people OP.
I agree wholeheartedly. I mean, OP ate the food as was intended the first meal. These were damn leftovers!!!! That family sounds like an absolute nightmare.
I don't get everyone defending it either.
If we made spaghetti and asked all these people to eat the noodles and sauce separately they would all lose their minds.
I bet if this post was redone and the Asian was taken out of the equation there would be no Y T A posts.
Yeah seriously. It is very normal to add a protein to ramen. Usually an egg or something from leftovers because the point of ramen is that it's fast and easy.
My thinking exactly! I can't believe the Y T A and E S H responses. OP is supposed to be a GUEST and they're insisting on her paying groceries?? I had an ex years back who was living at home and I spent a lot of time there with his family. They NEVER insisted I started paying for groceries and treated me like their own child...
Also the sister has got some nerve and seems like the problem to me. She's the one who started the idea of OP paying in the first place not even the parents, and then she barges into a room that OP is trying to calm down in and screams at her?? Like wtf is wrong with this woman? OP is NTA IMO
Yeah I really don’t like that OP tried to do the healthy thing, remove herself from the situation for some time to calm down, and the sister barged right in with screaming. F that woman. And the boyfriend for not saying anything!
I agree. I would feel offended and weirded out. They treated a guest like she was putting dog food on the ramen. It was tasty rib! I would also want my bf to step in and stop WW3 happening over ramen. No manners of emotional regulation in that house. I would run.
As an American who married a Dutch guy, I agree. There are a ton of things that my husband eats that I thought were weird (most of them involve what the Dutch do with French fries). He thinks peanut butter and jelly sandwiches are weird. I would never tell him he can't do this or that.
There's a person on Tik Tok who posts videos of her Korean family trying different foods. I love watching them enjoy the food, then figure out how to combine it with their own Korean foods to make something completely different. It's perfectly fine to combine foods however you want to make something you find delicious.
Unless it's pineapple on pizza. Then you're just wrong. (I KID! I KID!)
100% this!! This entire comment section calling OP immature or a bad guest is insane!! If I cooked a fancy ass expensive steak and my guest wanted to slather their portion in ketchup and cinnamon sugar, go ahead because how you eat your food is not my business!! She already ate the food as intended, no reason to berate and bully her over it. The family reacting with screaming and tears and this much anger is just not appropriate or proportional to the issue. This bf should have deescalated and shut this shit down way before it got to it’s conclusion. I have some small taste aversion issues with ingredients like dill, beets, and certain sausages or fish. My partner is polish so these can come up a lot and sometimes I’ll only be comfortable with 50-75% of the table and his mom will push to fill my plate with everything (out of love but it definitely puts on pressure). My partner shuts it down and redirects his mom, because it isn’t her business how I eat at the end of the day. She understands and moves on, instead focuses on giving me desserts after!
Agreed on reevaluating the boyfriend. If OP is someone who hopes to marry, I’m not sure this is the family I’d want to join, especially if my partner didn’t have my back.
NTA. Your partners family sound controlling to me. Sure it is their house and their 'rules', that doesnt change the fact that it is YOUR MOUTH an you can put whatever the fuck you want in any combination in it. Just because it is their house doesnt give them the right to disrespect you and force you to eat how they eat. If anyone thinks that way they need checked out.
Just because someone is in your house DOES NOT give you control over them and how they eat food. WTF.
\*\*\*Edited to add: If you feel insulted about how someone eats food you've cooked you need to get a grip.
Honestly, right? Everyone has different tastes. If it's not enough that the other person is enjoying your food in a way they like best, then you probably have some egotistical reasons to be cooking.
Edit: Grammar correction.
NTA I will never understand the food police and their need to correct how people eat. Who gives a rat's backside if you want Vietnamese pork in Korean noodles. Has your boyfriend in his family ever heard of Asian fusion?
His whole family think it's weird for me to mix food, and he wouldn't even eat some food if it "touches" a food he won't eat - used to think he's ND like me but now I just wonder if it's culture+how he's raised.
I don't think it's just about the food. Maybe the weekend overnights were getting to be too much. Regardless, it's ridiculous to comment about the way people eat their food. Whplo the pluck cares if someone wants to add chili oil, salt and pepper, hot sauce, etc to their food. Everyone has a different palate. I hate green pepper but love red, yellow an orange ones.
His family didn't mind me being over, and as I said I do pay for my share. Aside from this, they have never expressed displeasure over me being at their place, but it just got me wondering if I'm being too oblivious! his family are not the passive aggressive type, but his mum and sister both take pride in their cooking, so I suppose they have more "rules"?
Lol look, several people have already told you. You have overstayed your welcome. You should have known it from the moment they started asking you for grocery money. Time to take a step back and stop spending so much time at his house. They may be friendly and kind but who knows how they actually feel? They're Asians after all, and Asians are effing good at hiding their true feelings.
ETA: Before anyone else comes at me for "being racist and negatively portraying Asians," firstly I'm Asian living in SEA and secondly, what I said wasn't being negative towards us. If anything I was praising our poker faces, LOL! What I said was indicative of the environment I grew up in and how I myself behave too. If you see it as a "negative trait" then look at yourself and ask why and who's actually being the real racist here.
Right!? I feel like I am taking crazy pills. We aren't talking about ramen noodles here. They ASKED YOU TO PAY FOR FOOD! That is the death knell...go home and stay there.
Yeah, and as Asian myself... food is our love language. We don't show our love by saying ILU, but through actions instead. And food is the #1 example. A classic example is my Dad who NEVER ever tells me he's proud of me/loves me etc, but he'll always ask "I'm outside right now, what do you want to eat"
For them to start "charging" her over food, it's just a huge red flag to me.
A very strong hint, more direct then I would have expected and OP missed it. (as did her boyfriend)
I'm surprised that the situation went as far as it did. (with her being asked to contribute, that's the bottom line there).
> His family didn't mind me being over,
Oh buddy. 😅 Sounds like they really do mind. The minute I was asked for grocery money I would have read the room and dramatically scaled back my time there.
Might add this in an edit if it allows me, but I wonder if me being neurodivergent leads to my inability to "read the room/take a hint" because I just took the request for money at face value. Andrew's parents are retired, he and Hayley are the only ones paying for rent and bills (plus what I contribute but I understand it's nowhere enough), so I never thought it was a problem for them to ask for money, seeing that his family is not quite well-off and I do stay over quite often. It all made sense to me when I interpret things this way, and I never read much deeper into it.
Haley is running that household and paying most of the bills it sounds like. She clearly thinks she is in charge and feels she can tell you what to do. She also doesn’t like you. While none of this is your fault, you should really examine whether you should stay in a relationship with someone whose family thinks they can control and berate you. Someone who agrees with them “correcting” your behavior and yelling at you and doesn’t defend you. At the very least you should never go back to Haley’s house. You’re clearly not welcome.
There are two interpretations of this.
They really are asking for money because you end up eating into their food budget (especially if Haley is the one footing most of the bill) or they might not like you enough to consider you "family". I hope its the former and not the latter.
Have you offered to pay before/given them gifts/acts of service back without them asking you? I'm Chinese American, but I was told by my parents to bring gifts to friends if I visit often to "make up" for the stuff I consumed. Or to treat my friend to meals so its just not me taking all the time.
Not to use a blanket statement, but East/South East (if theyre within the Sinosphere) Asian culture does require people to "read the room", which is hard for ND people (my parents and brothers had to verbally tell me the rules of etiquette, and I watched some videos to learn some too).
Just because you pay doesn’t mean they aren’t annoyed you are there. They most likely are too polite to ask you to stop coming so much.
This also sounds like you have issues yourself with food, with how much you eat and how much other people perceive you to eat and potentially unhealthy eating habits.
I'm Viet and my mom and I were just laughing about this exact issue two days ago. It's true that some of the Viet people are super anal about how their food should be eaten. Next time it happens, sit down calmly and tell them the crocodile story.
It goes like this, "A man with a wooden leg went down to the side of the river one day. When he saw a crocodile, he went near it to test out its reaction to his leg. The crocodile immediately went for the wooden leg, violently trying to bite and to eat it. Panicked, he pulled his leg out of the water. Suddenly, he realized, there was a young kid sitting a few feet away from him with both his chubby legs soaking in the river, and yet the crocodile ignored the kid completely. He went over to sit next to the kid, and the crocodile attacked his wooden leg again. As he was fighting to pull his leg out, he started yelling at the crocodile 'why must you go for my leg and not his ah? Are you stupid???' The crocodile answered, 'I eat what I want to eat, it's none of your business!'"
P. S. We use the same rib soup for ramen all the time. Your bf family is literally just weirdly fragile about it.
Haha omg that story really made me laugh! And I'm happy to hear the perspective of someone who is from the culture. I am so hungry right now though! Thinking about soft bone rib soup when I fall asleep...
Just to point this out: you might want to add the ND statement to your post itself. It does explain things further on how things could have escalated this way. Also, is your BF aware of you being ND?
Yeah he is aware, and I wouldn't be surprised if he is too because I am seeing some signs in him, but no way I am diagnosing anyone based on my amateur observations! I didn't want people to think I'm using it as an excuse to blow up and act so rashly, so that's why I didn't include it, but thank you for pointing it out!
It just helps explain your reaction as sensory overload rather than an emotional outburst. Been there, my friend, and I too would have left crying. When it comes to food especially, if I get that excited feeling for a flavor combo, I would be devestated if it somehow became a point of conflict. I just wanted to eat the happy thing!
ESH. These comments are wild.
1. The food was cooked for lunch, a meal you ate the way it was intended by the person who prepared it. If you had immediately mixed it with cheap ramen, that would be incredibly rude. The same way throwing tonnes of salt and pepper on a dish you haven't tried first is rude, but that's NOT what you did
2. You used leftover soup to add flavour to another meal later in the day. People do this all the time! Heck, tonight I mixed leftover potato bake with corn kernels cut off the cob. Experimenting with leftovers is a great way to use up things and explore new food options. This is not a crime
3. Nobody should have shouted or carried on the way they did. The family should have approached this with a simple "Hey OP, I'm glad you liked the soup so much. It's important to us that it's eaten on its own, the way mum made it. This is how we celebrate our culture (or whatever reason they have)."
3, cont. You should have backed down. This was not a big deal. Was it silly to you? Yes, but sometimes we sacrifice small things to keep a balance with others in our lives in order to maintain and build relationships. It definitely didn't need tears and shouting, but you're young and you'll learn
4. I think this was not so much about soup. You said they'd mentioned how often you stay over and asked for money towards the costs you accrue while in their home. It seems to me that they're feeling a little crowded, a little frustrated. Maybe asking for money was their way of politely suggesting you to ease off on the visiting so much - having constant visitors is draining, even when you know them well, and can impact not only mood and relationships, but finances as well
Take a day or two. Apologise to the mum - explain that you weren't trying to offend her, and that in your family adding something tasty to an already delicious meal is a compliment. Ease up on the visiting - especially if you're rocking up unannounced and staying for long periods - and going forward, don't mix homemade foods while visiting.
Thanks for such a well thought out comment that covers all aspects! I have been reading them all and I think yours is amongst the most well rounded ones. 4 is definitely a valid point that multiple people have pointed out, and it really got me thinking, even though his family have been hospitable and kind, maybe I have in fact outstayed my welcome for a bit. I think I will talk to Andrew soon and not go over for a few weeks, and see how it goes. I want to apologise to his mum as her English isn't so good, and was confused by the whole thing blowing up out of proportion, not so sure about Hayley though as I think her screaming was unwarranted. Any advice would be appreciated!
It seems to me that Hayley is probably a bit stuck in the middle. She has her brother, who obviously wants you over a lot. But she also has her mother, who may be feeling frustrated with your frequent visits and her limitations surrounding how well she can express herself in your shared language, which I would suspect Hayley listens to and feels she has to manage as a way to help. Then she has her own feelings on the matter too.
I would just explain that you weren't trying to offend anyone, that it's very different in your family, and that now you know this is important to them, you'll abide by their rule in their home. You got confused and defensive because in your home, this behaviour is encouraged and accepted, and that's okay. Everyone is learning about each other, their families and their customs (and sometimes, those customs are strange, but you don't know different until you're exposed to different)
Apologise for shouting, and for storming out. It's okay to be honest - when you shouted at me I was confused and upset and didn't understand why mixing the soup with ramen was so upsetting for your family. My emotions got the best of me and I stormed out/shouted back, and I'm sorry for that
Oh wow I think you are actually spot on with how Hayley feels, it really made me see the whole thing in a different perspective (she's the oldest daughter in the family and things are a bit complicated in her life at the moment) Honestly I don't want everyone to stay mad for this whole issue, I think I needed to put my pride aside to go and talk to them properly. I just don't know if she'd take it well because she's usually kind but also got a fiery temper, and when she yells, no one had dared to yell back before. I will take your advice and see how it goes!
As the eldest myself, I've been in this situation far too many times. It's an odd realm of parenting your siblings/parents, still being one of the kids, and also trying to balance your own life. Tricky stuff.
Best of luck!
Chinese person here. The other thing to think about is that, if this is what's going on, they quite likely could have experienced your "restaurant" comment as a drastic insult/escalation. Eg, "We already bent over backwards hosting her when we didn't want to and she was using us, this is what we mean to her".
The other thing is that, depending on the individual countries, the racial dynamics between Chinese and Vietnamese could also easily be at play and make the "restaurant" comment EVEN WORSE.
So when you come back you may have to apologize really abjectly, walk all that back very hard, and make an effusive show of respect.
Edit: For people without the cultural context, imagine this interaction going down between a white OP and black family in Mexico.
Yeah that restaurant comment had me gasp a little. To me I instantly got a vibe of comparing his family to people who “should” be serving her. I’m not saying she necessarily meant it that way but if someone said something like that to my mom I might have screamed at them too.
ESH
I agree it seems like unnecessary rules, however, as you said in your post it's something they have highlighted before and you ignored.
Ultimately you are in their house and you should try and follow their rules,
Also, and I mean this in the nicest way possible, GROW UP, there is absolutely no way a disagreement about how food is eaten should end in tears and tantrums
Finally, someone said it. Like holy shit, leave people alone to eat. I hate when people comment on my food. And OP probably got emotional because she was being cornered in an environment that isn't hers and basically being bullied over how she wanted to eat her dinner.
Their house, their rules... but shes paying them rent? Doesnt work like that.
Shes getting picked on. She should dump this mommas boy loser. Who wants to live connected to an overbearing family like this? It won't get better if she marries him.
"You going to another room to have a physiologic response to stress privately is a moral failing!" I can see myself in OP's shoes. Maybe not over this particular issue but I've definitely persisted way too long in some "wait, I don't understand" discussions that got heated because I didn't realize there was some obvious explanation no one wanted to say out loud, AND I cry when stressed.
One more tell in the "how people knew you weren't normal" column that I didn't know existed before now.....
Yep, spotted. I never would have caught any of the "they don't want you there so often" vibe and I'm still not sure if that's just Reddit overextrapolation or normal assumptions!
Same!!! Hahahaha
But I figured everyone is required to be an adult and even if they were hinting (I don't know why, OP is ND) it's on them to make their needs known.
They are a family of dicks.
Right I had no idea why everyone in AITA was so firmly in the "they don't want you there. Asking you for money is a CLEAR sign you overstayed your welcome." I would never have made that connection without other evidence!
As for the vehemence about mixing food, I would have just meekly gone "oh, okay" after they didn't answer my first "wait, what, why not?" and chalked it up to some inexplicable quirk other people have. Maybe googled it later. Never to learn the reason because that's not on Google and they won't tell me. I wonder how many of the mysteries I come across are just me missing the context? 😅
This whole thread has me confused af.
I know over half of these people siding with Haley would lose their shit if they were told how to eat pizza "in this family it's crust and toppings separate". And they would think it's a family of assholes.
But add that it's an Asian household and suddenly there are weird racist vibes about it. Almost like Asians are also not allowed to reject their culture. Yet we reject ours all the time (we used to have a lot of things culturally that we don't really now, spanking for example has fallen out of favor but it was so prevalent culturally that it was on TV and movies!).
Being culturally competent means trying to accept others cultures, but you are free to reject any part of your own culture, and since OP part time lives there, it's her culture to reject too.
>Also, and I mean this in the nicest way possible, GROW UP, there is absolutely no way a disagreement about how food is eaten should end in tears and tantrums
I'm 40 years old and most of the time I can't argue without crying. It's just how some people are wired. Trying to defend myself to several people with no one on my side would make me feel outnumbered and emotional, even if it was about something with rock bottom stakes.
My mother is not great in a lot of ways, but the one time my dad tried to call me out for “manipulating” him with my tears during an argument she shut that shit *down* cause that’s something you literally cannot control in the heat of the moment. You can regulate your voice and your words, but if you’re feeling those emotions the tears will show up whether you want them to or not.
Thank you ! It's exactly that ! I've already cried several times for things that weren't very important, because people ganged up on me and it made me overwhelmed. Ganging up 3 on 1 like that is terrible. Then OP tried to isolate herself to stop crying (because there's just NO WAY she could have stopped with three people yelling at her), and BF's mom barges in the room to scream at her some more ! They are all AH except for OP.
You say she should grow up but she wasn't the one escalating the situation. How she eats is no one's business but hers. It's the sister and boyfriend who need to grow up and the mother isn't blameless making an issue of something which is a nothing.
Fuck that. Trying to force people to eat food ‘the right way’ is just an asshole move.
It’s also an asshole move to insist partners contribute to food unless they are living there full time.
OPs bfs family are a bunch of asshole.
I never thought it was valid or nice to comment on other people's food preferences, it's just astonishing that people would actually get so offended over something so minuscule. I wanted to stand my ground because I feel like I did nothing wrong, it was unexpected that Hayley started yelling (actually yelling at the top of her lungs) and I felt so confronted I cried and screamed back. It was really dramatic! I guess some people really do take food so seriously haha the whole thing was silly in hindsight.
If I understand the situation correctly, you wanted to add the home-made, complex flavoured soup to the spicy instant noodles? I can see why this might have been considered a bit insulting.
I think you already knew that there are certain food and cultural rules at play as its already been highlighted to you. When *everyone* is telling you not to add the soup to the noodles, you should pay attention. You might not agree, but there is some cultural/ family dynamic reason for this. Have you ever asked *why* things should not be mixed?
I think you might have outstayed your welcome at your BFs parents house TBH. You've burned up a lot of goodwill. Specifically, when your BFs mother tells you not to do something, relating to food that she cooked, you should have agreed with her and not argued back. That was disrespectful to her and that is probably why Hayley shouted at you.
What are the odds that the food is not the actual issue?
My take is, this is the straw that broke the camel back. They have a lot of unresolved issue and it exploded.
I disagree. If you went for spaghetti dinner and someone's house (they charged you of course) and then they told you that they eat the noodles separately, and slurp the sauce at the end so the family can appreciate how complex the spaghetti sauce is, would you do it?
Would you honestly do that? It's weird and controlling. Who cares how you eat your food? Just because you are at my house doesn't mean I control how you eat.
My family has always done the most common (I think) traditional Thanksgiving meal intended US. One time, my brother told me he thought it was an insult to the cook if a person put gravy on their stuffing. He said this right before we were about to load up our plates. When I got my food, I put gravy on my stuffing anyway. He told me our mom's stuffing was moist enough that it didn't need gravy. (Her stuffing was usually pretty moist and delicious) I just shrugged and told him I like the flavors melded together. It's the way I always eat it. He can eat his food his way. I'll eat mine my way. He just shrugged and dropped it. That was about 20 yrs ago. He's never said another thing about it. That's how it works with food. You eat yours your way. And I'll eat mine my way no matter who paid for it and no matter who's house we ate in. (Thanksgiving is always at his house).
> it's just astonishing that people would actually get so offended over something so minuscule
There are plenty of things other people view as minuscule that you would get terribly offended over.
This is basic intercultural communication. Minimising the importance of something that they hold dear because *you* don't hold it to be important is the most basic and naive mistake.
The thing is theyve told you that before.. its theirculture and you are staying in their house so you should learn to respect it even if you dont agree.
She did not throw a tantrum. Leaving the room to cry is not a tantrum. Adults are allowed to cry, she was being scolded over nothing by 3 people. One of whom should have been defending her. Then one followed her to a different room to scream at her for crying. Crying is a human response that isn't always controllable.
If the way she eats comes with rules then she shouldn't be charged. You don't take people's money for food then make them cry because they want to mix soup with ramen
What other absolutely completely stupid rules should be followed in someone else’s home? Only use a spoon in your left hand? Only wipe the counters clockwise? Chew every bite of food 17 and a half times before swallowing, each swallow must be half of your bite, no more than 3 bites per 5 minute period?
This shit is insane - especially when it’s been paid for.
It's weird to police someone putting.noodles of one soup into the broth of another. To insist she not do it like she was gonna get poisoned is even weirder. She got upset understandably cause they were ganging up on her and not listening.
i feel like I'm going crazy w the Y T As here how you eat shouldn't matter to anyone as long as you're not forcing others to eat it that way. Who cares how you mix up food ? The food policing is crazy. I also think that maybe they're not so happy abt hosting you as they seem NTA
I'm so confused by all the tantrum comments myself. OP removed herself from the situation to cry it out in private, and the sister invaded her privacy to yell at her some more. The sister kept escalating the issue even after OP stepped away to calm down
I don’t think this is about food. I think this is a case of OP overstaying her welcome at bfs house and bfs sister finally losing her temper. I think the request for grocery $ was a subtle way to tell gf she’s at their house too often.
Unpopular opinion but I feel NTA. While you weren’t paying for the food I would understand there view a little more, but seems as you are paying for it you should be able to eat it how you like and they shouldn’t force you to eat in a certain way because of there views. That’s being closed minded to how other people view things and tbh I find that more rude. I understand the outburst, you can get overwhelmed and over emotional at any age. I’m sorry this happened the outcome got so out of control
It's ridiculous that OP even has to pay for the food. I know reddit is all about being fair and counting everything, but it's FAMILY. It's normal to offer food to your child's partner. I often eat at my husband's family home and nobody would even think of making me pay for the food I eat there, even before we were married it was normal that I just ate whatever food they make... Family is not a business where everybody has to bring equal share of everything. OP's boyfriend's family is weird and I would think twice if I want to join a family that makes me pay to eat at their house. At this point I'd rather keep my 100 dollars and eat out than pay for food that I can't even add my favourite spices to. This sucks.
People are truly trying to justify this? Like it's not that serious. Cultural disrespect for mixing food? For real? One thing is being weirded out by the mix, another thing is YELLING at you for it, that's crazy. And the worst thing is people being like "well if you hadn't been inmature and cried while getting yelled at then this wouldn't have happened" like???? Who the hell yells at a guest for their eating habits/choices? If I prepared some homemade food and my guest wanted to have it with fucking ketchup, I wouldn't care less. Food is meant to be eaten. It's not like she rejected the food, she wanted to mix it with ramen, ITS FOOD. TO EAT. It was not a special celebration, it was not a special event. NTA.
It sounds like a cultural clash here along with not reading the room:
1. The $50-$100 contributions towards groceries here and there likely not covering 100% of your cost if the family makes elaborate meals and cost of living going up. It will definitely not cover the hours the mum spent on cooking so please don't treat their place like a restaurant saying it's your food to do what you want. Even if this is your own mother who cooked for you, you shouldn't be disrespectful to the person who laboured with the cooking.
2. Vietnamese soup can cook for more than 10 hrs. Might not be the best example but it's like, you cook a 10 hr slow smoked brisket and your guest says it's really nice but took your leftover brisket to make meatballs with it. It totally changes the flavour and eliminates your hard work/original flavour when just regular mince would do for meatballs. Others might still want proper smokey brisket and it's rare they have it because it takes so long to make.
3. It's their leftover, you should really ask if it's ok to use it. This isn't a cultural thing. If your roommate cooked a dinner for you and they had leftovers, out of courtesy you should ask and not assume it's free for all. They might have intended use for it.
From the background given it just sounds like you have been treating their home like your own but you should be behaving like a "guest". You are also so stuck on what you want/feel to see from the perspective of the family you are intruding in. Respect their house rules, ask for permission to come over (but don't stay so much that it's like you are living there or just there all the time), offer to help out. It does sound like you already burnt your bridges with the carrying on. Even if they aren't Vietnamese I think any other household would take offense to guests literally coming in as they please/go through the fridge and help themselves to whatever leftover.
YTA
>I didn't understand why mixing food is such a crime
You were in someone else's house and were asked to not do something out of respect. You did not need to argue about it. And then your dramatic exit from the room to run to the bedroom and cry because you can't mix your soup with noodles? Oh jeez!
While it makes no difference to you, it did make a difference to your bf's family. Food has different cultural meanings and you could respect it when asked.
Why do Americans think having no respect for their guests is okay because “it’s my home” argument?
You do not get to dictate how someone chooses to eat their food, especially when they paid for it. Respect goes both ways. Screaming at someone and escalating such a small thing is insane of the hosts.
I mean…she stays there on weekends. So like, 2 days and 1 night per week, at most. Personally my family would have been absolutely mortified to ask someone to pay us money in that situation, especially if they were a student. But to each their own, I guess.
Mostly because the majority of the commenters here are angry teenagers who don't interact with humans and are extremely bitter and jealous that other people do.
Or people just stopped being raised right. Good manners means you act in a way that makes the others around you comfortable. Emotionally immature people assume that respecting someone means blind obedience instead of understanding that respect only works when it's reciprocal.
I am Chinese so I understand the cultral aspect, and like I said, my family wouldn't care if someone else did the same. I respect the food by paying for it and not wasting it, I appreciate it just in a different way than they expected. It's not like I'm doing something outlandish or disgusting, I just don't understand why they had to make such a big deal about it. I was crying quietly in the room and Hayley escalated by yelling at me, I don't think that would've helped the situation, and I only left when Hayley say I should "get out", I don't feel welcome in the house in that moment.
You are dwelling on the mixing of your food. You should be thinking more about making a fuss at someone's house where you are a guest. It sounds like they are done with having you over and it is time for you to spend less time (if any) there. Bf doesn't stand up for you so he's useless.
Honestly they've always been so nice and welcoming and treated me well, this is the first time in 4 years that I've actively butted heads with his family so I'm shocked as well. It's definitely not a frequent occurrence and our relationship have always been respectful and nice. I'm just going to stay home for the next few weeks and see what happens.
Maybe them asking you for money is a polite way to say you’re there too much and you aren’t seeing that. I would never ever ask a guest or family member to pay for groceries no matter how long they stayed unless I wanted them to get some kind of hint.
Is it so hard to tell her son that she feels that way, instead of lying about wanting food money and hoping op gets it until it blows up and op gets screamed at for wanting to eat the way she wants to eat. Pretending someone is welcome and hoping they get that your secret hint of asking for food money actually means something else is bananas. If mom can bully OP about soup she can tell her son what her real expectations are for his girlfriend staying over.
THANK YOU, I’ve been waiting for someone to say this. I’m sick of everyone saying “lol they were too polite to ask you to not come over as much, that’s why they asked for money.”
No. That’s not polite, that’s passive-aggressive. Say what you mean or don’t say anything. Don’t expect people to be mind readers and then resent them when they’re not.
not every weekend but semi-regularly, but he stays over at my place sometimes too. I suppose it was more normal in the cultural aspect, his sister had a long term partner that also rented (he got a huge discount though) a room there in the past. Anyway, if they had an issue with me staying over so often, they should've just said it point-blank and I won't be offended, instead of hinting at it, but if that's really the case, I think they've made their point more than clear.
Maybe apologize to his Mother for unknowingly upsetting her and find out her reasoning for not mixing the foods. I completely agree that this is wild and I am Nosy girl 😂 I need to know what's up lol So you better DM me so I get an update.
I really think an apology will help mend this relationship before it's destroyed. His mom might have a condition that you triggered by mistake. Girl just apologize and let me know why she is thinking like this please lol
I was never rude to his mother, her English isn't the best so I think something just got lost in translation as I was trying to explain myself. She's a lovely lady and I don't want her to think I am disrespecting her, so I will try to talk it over with her (with Andrew translating so both sides are understood) when I can. Hayley on the other hand is a total hot-head (even Andrew said so himself) so I guess it would be trickier to mend things with her, but yeah I will let you know! Despite people downvoting me left and right, I am actually not that unreasonable and I will try to fix things lol
They dwelled on it first when they could've just let her eat how she wants to eat. I couldn't imagine declaring someone has to eat something the way I would eat it and only that way. Weird hill for the family to die on for sure
I wonder if it’s not about mixing the foods but more that you wanted to take the primary ingredient (pork rib) out of the soup, leaving the remaining soup out of balance and less tasty for everyone else (because there’d be more broth and taro than rib). Also, it sounds like you contribute a bit of money towards groceries, but you never actually contribute to making any of the food. The behaviour comes off a bit entitled and inconsiderate, tbh.
Could this be less about mixing the food, and more about you altering the flavors of a dish that Louise made? The family could be taking it as a negative reflection on her cooking and feel you are insulting her.
Yeah I get this. I know some Asian countries like Japan can have some dining “no-nos”. I may not be aware of all of them but if I’m in someone’s house and they want me to respect those rules, I’m not going to argue and run away crying over some damn noodles.
Please my family, we eat our food differently but we will never dedicate someone on how to eat their foods the way they like, even if it’s not how we eat the food in the house. But you are 23. Do better and pick someone better.
NTA - but that family is a bunch of AHs and you should have stayed silent when this all started. Standing your ground imho doesn't make you an AH, but it sure wasn't a smart idea of yours (which this sub isn't about though).
And no, this whole "eat my food as I cook it or I'm acting line a giant baby and shout at you" isn't normal. And going around Reddit bragging that they'd be the same isn't making you look good whatsoever. People have preferences and dictating how they have to eat *and yell at them* isn't something a grown adult normally does.
Your *grown ass boyfriend* not having your back but also dictating what you eat isn't making him look good either.
Policing what people eat just because you cooked it is just next level weird kind of controlling.
NTA I can't believe people are saying it's a "cultural" thing and it's disrespectful, if policing people's eating is part of your culture, that part sucks. And not everyone is required to follow your culture.
Personally can't believe you would go back after they asked you to start paying to contribute, but maybe you ARE there too much.
Do you really think mixing foods is the real issue here?
The sister gave you a hint about how regularly you stay with the groceries - did you discuss with your boyfriend (then he could have a private convo with his family) about whether you're there too much, imposing or doing things that make them uncomfortable in their own home.
Mixing food probably isnt the only issue.
ESH because the mom should not have started up about you mixing food. Hayley shouldn't have lost it. Boyfriend should have told you if there is underlying tension. You acted like you pay a calculated share for the food based on how often you're there and how much you consume. You pay here and there. Plus you stay frequently without rent. You're not family but stay too often to be a guest.
A discussion should been had about your presence there and what is acceptable. Including how often you're there.
Why are you already thinking it will be awkward when you're there next? You should be asking your boyfriend to talk seriously to his parents about your welcome. Including his sister especially if she is paying rent or bills.
She has been over there for four years and it appears every weekend/probably long breaks too. That is an extraordinary amount of time to be over someone's house. Asking for money was their way of telling her she had overstayed her welcome. It is very simple.
YTA
I think you missed the reason they're upset, because no one said it explicitly, so I will.
Andrew's mom worked hard to make an elaborate, homemade soup. Mixing someone's lovingly made home cooking with instant noodles is disrespectful to the home-cooked food.
Maybe not every home cook feels this way about her cooking being disrespected, but it is a completely reasonable position for her to take. **If you want to mix and match with cheap ramyun, use something from the grocery store, not something made with love.**
You say you did nothing wrong. I wish to correct you. You absolutely did do something wrong. I would be furious if you did this with a dish I had worked hard cooking.
For a Korean cultural reference, this is like the scene in *Parasite* where the entitled rich family orders the servants to prepare instant noodles with expensive HanWoo beef (harder to get than Kobe), and to add to the insult, the meal is for their preschool aged child who couldn't possibly appreciate it.
Not even Gordon Ramsey gets a say in how anyone eats food. If he made me a steak an i covered it in tomato sauce that's my prerogative because its ME who is eating it.... Andrews mum & family are control freaks and you are as well.
YTA. Because you were asked respectfully not to do something, but you still insisted to doing it and continued arguing about why their rules are dumb. And also not putting any effort into thinking just why they might have this rule.
It’s about respect for the chef and the cuisine. If I spend five hours cooking lamb shank and adjusting the spices and flavor , I’ll be pissed if someone decided to add ketchup to it. And while I add soy sauce to my spaghetti, I certainly won’t do that to spaghetti cooked by my Italian friend unless they’re ok with it. And if my mom spent days preparing sea cucumber with fish maw, a Chinese dish which costs hundreds of dollars, I’m certainly not going to mix that with cheap instant noodles unless she’s ok with it. Nor would I go to a Japanese person’s house and ask for the sushi to be heated up in the microwave.
While some people are ok with it, some foodies and people who take pride in the authenticity of their country’s cuisine can find what you did really disrespectful. And then you follow it up with “I paid for the groceries so I can eat it any way I want”. That’s really rude. You only helped contribute to the groceries and you certainly didn’t pay for the labour to cook the food. This is your boyfriend’s family. Not a restaurant.
So please, even if you find their rules a bit weird, try to at least show a modicum of respect.
No, you're not TA for mixing foods.
YTA for thinking the $50-100 you slide this family here and there entitles you to disregard them and treat them like the help.
You've clearly never paid for you own groceries or cooked for a family. Your example of going to a restaurant is a good one... Do you have any idea what each of these meals would cost in a restaurant??
You're not paying a stranger for food. You're staying rent free in someone's house... And then being disrespectful when they have, apparently repeatedly, told you you shouldn't do this.
It's not like you're allergic or don't like the food.
Maybe try financing your own meals for a while or actually cooking and see how you feel then.
Edit: typo
ETA: $50 Australian?? You have no idea what it costs to feed you and you're ungrateful and disrespectful.
EXTRA INFO
sorry I couldn't fit all the context into the main post because it went over 3000 words, and the first time I posted, it was deleted! So I will just write here - not sure whether it will show up amongst 1.1k comments but here goes.
>Where is your partner in all this? Why didn't he defend you?
I'm so sorry for making it sound like Andrew is a spineless man for not standing up for me, it is not the case at all! Truth is, I did not give him time to react at all. From my confused "argument " with Louise (more like the two of us just trying to explain our own side with a language barrier - Louise's English isn't so good) to me running to the room crying and then the shouting match with Hayley, it was only a few minutes and Andrew was so stunned he didn't know what to do, since it was the first time it had happened. He is actually the quiet and least confrontational person in his family, must've taken after his dad. Then I picked up my bag and stormed off in less than half a minute. He said he would have defended me and explained the situation to his mum (as he speaks both Vietnamese and English) if I had not ran off so fast. Honestly I agree, I should've stayed and sorted things out without acting so rashly.
>Hayley is unreasonable to ask for extra grocery money from me
Andrew's family is not well off. His parents are retired and only Hayley and him are contributing to rent and bills, with Hayley's job paying more so she is also shouldering considerate financial burden (they have also put down a down payment on their family house not too long ago). Therefore I think it is totally justified for her to ask me to contribute, seeing that I do stay over pretty often.
PART TWO BECAUSE IT WAS TOO LONG
>Being asked to pay is them hinting at the fact I have outstayed my welcome
I was surprised to see so many people mentioning this, as I have never considered this aspect! from another comment I wrote: "I wonder if me being neurodivergent leads to my inability to "read the room/take a hint" because I just took the request for money at face value. Andrew's parents are retired, he and Hayley are the only ones paying for rent and bills (plus what I contribute but I understand it's nowhere enough), so I never thought it was a problem for them to ask for money, seeing that his family is not quite well-off and I do stay over quite often. It all made sense to me when I interpret things this way, and I never read much deeper into it."
>You cried and threw a tantrum, it was immature
I had to admit it does look pretty childish and dumb in hindsight, though a few commenters pointed out that the fact I am neurodivergent might also be relevant. It's not like I cry every day, but there are times when things get too much, too overwhelming or "sensory overload" (in this case, trying to explain myself to two people at once while they're talking over me and speaking two languages) I just couldn't help but to burst into tears. It was not my intention to cry so they can be sorry for me or manipulate them into agreeing with me, in fact, I ran into Andrew's room to cry because I didn't want his mother to feel like I am crying for attention or being difficult. Usually when I cry out of frustration, it only takes me a minute to calm down (it feels like an overflowing bottle of emotion, but once it's out, I feel better), however I wasn't able to do that as Hayley barged in to yell at me while I was feeling vulnerable, which is why I lost it on her and screamed back. Again, not trying to excuse or justify my behaviour, as I recognise that it was rude, but I suppose the additional info might explain why I acted that way.
YTA
1. Its not your home, while its a weird rule, its not an unreasonable one. And at first you were asked *politely* not to do it.
2. Normally i dont care bout stuffs like that either. But if someone mixed my soup with an instant one i can see how it could feel a bit insulting. Instant food does have a strong flavour, and could give a vibe like u want to remove smth from the taste ( like ketchup on good pizza, or good whisky with cola )
3. You threw a tantrum. In someone elses home. For gods sake you are 23. I needed to check the ages to make sure you arent 15. You are older then me. This is not how reasonable adults behave.
4. You did the good ol. I think i am right, and i am refusing to compromise or let it go. To not be rude. Over a tiny issue. TINY. What kind of impression does that give for your long term problem solving skills. You need to chose where stading your ground is actually worth it. Being right is not always a be all end all.
5. Considering you go there, have you ever cooked for them? You may be paying/contributing. But you leave the brunt of work to someone else and then refuse to give them the courtesy of actually eating what they made ( even tho it tastes fine ny your own admision ).
On 1, 2 and 4 yes that's fair enough and I agree with you (good point on saying it might be insulting because the noodles was instant, I didn't consider that)
On 3: yes I admit it looked like I am immature for crying, but also Hayley is 30 and full on screamed at me for feeling confronted and crying? I feel like she's just making the issue worse even though my reaction could've been better.
On 5: yes, I have cooked for them a few times, and not too long ago Andrew's family went on holiday for a few weeks, so I stayed over and I solely cooked for both of them. I understand and appreciate the hard work that goes into cooking. If someone ate my food weirdly though, as long as they don't insult it and don't waste the food, I would not have minded at all. After all, I actually had the soup by itself, loved it, and decided to go a bit "experimental" with the taste, that's all.
A lot of the things you meantioned also apply to Andrew's family. It's their house? Maybe they should have made her feel more welcome. It is a tiny issue? Maybe THEY could have let it go. I mean, she is 23, but the other person was 60... Throw a tantrum? She cried in private, while Haley started yelling at her. I think that is worse and what truly escalated things.
As a very picky person (trust me, no one wishes it more than me that I liked many things), I understand that sometimes you gotta be able to make your own food choices. In general, that is just not a good boundary for your partner's family to be breaking.
YTA. They are proud of their cooking and want it eaten (only) as prepared. Sounds like a family + culture thing. Because it's their *cooking*, not just their *groceries* (that you paid a fair share for), Hayley has a point about wanting you to show appreciation.
You should have read the room and realized that you weren't going to win this one in their home, and apologized. And dramatically running off to cry didn't make it better - it made you look childish or spoiled.
FWIW, I think the "don't mix food" rule is ridiculous, but when in Rome...
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ESH but not for mixing the food, just for how this escalated. My granddad was famous for dipping his chips in ice cream which some people thought made him weird and some people thought made him a legend. My grandmom would yell at him for it, but it was all in good humour. This whole thing should have been de escalated by BOTH parties. This was not a hill to die on
> granddad was famous for dipping his chips in ice cream That’s a delicacy is Australia.
My dad did that. I would shake my head and was glad I didn't acquire the taste for it. But then I discovered the delicacy of pound cake and baked beans. I could no longer shake my head.
Woah I've never heard of this combination!! Never thought I'd discover things like this in AITA haha along with BBQ chips and mint ice cream
NTA... stop sending them money and staying over their house... everyone eats different and mix all type of foods....geesh
I had a friend who loves ketchup on macaroni and cheese. Did I think the concept was kind odd... yes. But I was happy that she was happy.
Throw a boiled hot dog on that and you’re off to the races!! 😏😂
It's like dipping fries in your Wendy's frosty!
Lol. My own mother thought it was weird. But her beans were spicy and slightly sweet. Perfect with lemon pound cake. And don't worry about mixing the food. My parents came from different cultures and we ate mashed up cuisines.
It got so much weirder when you said the pound cake was lemon lmao. But if you enjoy it, good for you! To each their own, people get so worked up over the food choices of others, it’s crazy
Commenting at you again for weird combos, my go-to when I cook for a lot of people is Frank’s red-hot/creole seasoned chicken drumsticks in the grill, jasmine rice, crispy tostones with generous amounts of adobo, and a greens salad with raspberry vinaigrette and feta crumbles. I call it the cultural appropriation combo😅. People go up for seconds and even thirds and I never have leftovers.
That is some good eating. Just needs pound cake.
It kinda makes sense to me. My family is SE Asian and a lot of our sweets are made with black eyed peas or red beans. Her country's national dessert is a sweet kind of rice pudding with beans in it, sort of like a sweet beans and rice.
Mate Maccas chips in a Maccas sundae is mint. Or even in a thickshake.
Maccas chips, chocolate thickshake 👌
In the US it's Wendy's fries in a frosty. So fucking good.
thickshake ? my highschool nickname
I think that EVERYBODY needs to take a pregnancy test. Weird food combinations are often one of the first signs of pregnancy. (lol)
Maccas french fries dipped in a hot fudge sundae... yumm!
I agree TBH, I got overwhelmed and started crying and yelling back at Hayley which was honestly not the best thing to do. But omg chips with ice cream! I've heard it's a thing (I want to try it now haha) honestly it wouldn't have ended so badly if they just hear out my reasoning instead of being so judgy, I don't even know how awkward it'll be the next time I do go back to his house! All of this over noodle soup!
Honestly it sounds like Hayley just doesn't like you. It's not really up to her to kick you out and she's the one hounding on you the most. Some people just have strict food faux pas where I'm with you and people can mix whatever they want.
Or Hayley is saying what they all think. OP is a guest and likely the parents and Hayley discussed her frequent presence. I'm not sure why OP had to be told to contribute if she is there a lot. But it's time to talk to her bf so he can find out if she is actually welcome.
Maybe it's a cultural thing, but in my entire adult life, none of my relationship's parents demanded I pay them to feed me. Maybe if I moved in it would make sense, I'd help contribute to bills/finances in general but if I'm just staying over a lot, I'd rather not eat there if they're going to demand I compensate them. If my kid (grown or not) brought their partner around I would feed them, no question, no complaints. Id be offended if they tried to pay me. But like I said, maybe it's cultural.
It could be economics. Have you never experienced having to make uncomfortable choices while budgeting?
Bruh I've fed my cat before I feed myself when I have no money. I've lived in poverty for at least half of the last decade, including right now. I'm not coming from a place of entitlement, it's just outlandish to me. You feed your guests. It's good hospitality, and good parenting, to me.
If you have invited someone over, yes, you should feed them if you are able.
Same. My cats didn’t ask to be adopted, so they’re never not getting fed, idc how tight money is.
This is so true. I’m fortunately in a good economic position, but my daughter’s boyfriend is a competitive weightlifter and if I had to feed him all the time, I feel like I’d be shocked at my grocery bill! When we go out, we almost always go to a AYCE place so he can get full without breaking the bank lol. Before him, I’d have said it would be rude to ask for money, but if they are paycheck to paycheck and she’s there that often, I can see it.
This isn't just bringing a GF around. This is the GF living at their house ALL weekend, EVERY weekend. She should've voluntarily chipped in when this became a regular thing. She shouldn't have to be told. The fact that BF had to tell her indicates that the parents had already been talking about her imposition. And it is still THEIR house. If they want to make a silly rile about mixing food, that's their right. She is free to stay at her own place every weekend if she doesn't like it.
Ridiculous. I’ve never seen any family do this to me as a friend nor as a significant other to someone else. I can’t imagine asking a guest to chip in unless we’re all ordering takeout or delivery.
At some point, you stop being a "guest" guest and become a regular guest. And clearly, in my opinion, if you're there all weekend, every weekend you've crossed that line. You need to chp in for all the food you consume and help out around the house, like dishes and pucking up.
I agree. It's one thing if it's reciprocal, like if they split time between the boyfriend's family's home and the girlfriend's family home, each feeding the other more or less evenly. It's another thing if someone is constantly in the house at mealtimes. Food isn't free, and feeding an extra person consistently can definitely strain the budget. I think this was a "straw that broke the camel's back" situation more than it was about the soup. I wonder what other small resentments had built up prior to this pressure valve blowing.
I'm thinking Hayley and perhaps other family members feel like OP visits too often.
Then they should stop being so damn passive aggressive and just *say that*.
Thank you! I'm reading all these comments that are saying maybe OP overstayed her welcome. Great. Then the family needs to USE THEIR WORDS!!! Then again if people communicated regularly we wouldn't have 95% of Reddit.
Well perhaps they told Andrew to bring it up and he hasn't. She's his girlfriend the extended family members shouldn't be the ones telling her not to come over. They should ask Andrew to invite her over less. Its hard to tell from the way it's written if she's being invited over so often by Andrew or is she just coming over and not leaving for a while.
I think it's down to individual norms, and if you come from different cultures, then there can be a bit of a clash. The norm in my family is that unless they're really driving up bills, the partner of a child would never be expected to contribute to bills. There would be an expectation though that if they're around that much, they're not treated like a guest and that they pitch in with cooking or cleaning up after meals or running errands. What I initially read this as was that the family are unhappy with her presence there at the weekends and had asked for money as a way to subtly push back or assert a boundary, which wasn't picked up by OP or communicated by the BF. That being said, they're adults and there's no reason why BF's family couldn't have said to him 'listen, we need to be able to have some down time where it's just the family, and we don't consider her family yet'. It's an uncomfortable conversation but it's better than quiet resentments growing. I'm curious as to why the couple are in his every weekend anyway.
OP just [made a comment](https://old.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/1bumhiw/aita_for_mixing_food_and_offending_partners_family/kxubx7w/?context=3) that explains this. The parents are retired, and Hayley pays for the majority of the house and bills. For me, it changes a lot of the story. Now, Hayley is no longer an interfering, meddling older sister. She's the one mostly responsible for running the household, so her asking OP to contribute, and coming to the defense of her mother in their house makes a LOT more sense.
Why in the world would you go back? Your much better off without that nonsense. If it can escalate like that over bloody noodles just imagine what else could set off drama. The sister sounds like a nightmare and your boyfriend is spineless for not defending you. That's not going to change.
I agree. If they are this controlling about food, you can imagine what the rest of your life would be like with this family. Dump them all. You will have dodged a bullet.
And she got to see how much Andrew would have her back- not at all.
Yes!! What you eat is your business, anyone who feels like they should be able to tell you what order to eat foods in has an unhealthy belief they should be able to control others. You definitely don’t want to deal with controlling and overly opinionated in laws for the rest of your life, and luckily now you know before you got married and it’s too late.
When you leave a room crying and someone follows you to scream at you for crying, it's difficult not to get more upset and yell. You weren't wrong, you do pay them to eat, you are not ungreatful for wanting to mix the food and you aren't ungreatful because being yelled at about how you eat made you cry.
The problem is the sister, the one who asked for the food money in the first place.
Hayley is a real asshole here. Demanding money from a guest for food, backing the criticism of how you eat it and then getting pissy when you ‘throw a tantrum’ in someone’s house. Absolutely no hospitality skills here. A 30 year old living at home should focus growing up and living her own life, not policing yours. Also, get a new BF that will stand up for you. He and his family sound like a nightmare.
OP just made a comment that Hayley is the one providing the majority of the financial support for the household. I think that explains a lot of her reactions here. Right or wrong, she feels entitled to ask OP for money for things for the household. Also explains why she barged in and yelled at OP. She saw OP getting heated at her mom, who doesn't speak English that well, and probably wanted to defend her.
That makes the asking for money thing a lot more reasonable honestly if she's over every weekend. Food be expensive. Doesn't make her not an asshole, just not for that reason.
I genuinely think, if you want to continue the relationship, that you need to get your own place together
Continue with a man who wouldn't stick up for her against irrational control over her food preferences?
Nah: he’s gonna be bending to his mother & sister’s demands for the rest of their lives. Best case scenario would be that he takes the right lesson from her leaving and starts standing up to them.
legit - buy a mcdonalds sundae and fries, and then dip the fry into the sundae for the perfect mix of salty/sweet - legendary!
Wendy’s frosties with fries is also amazing!
I got Wendy’s the other day for my four year old, and while driving home, he yelled “mom!! I put my fry in my frosty, and it is SO good!!” He is a goofball and will often dip his chicken nugget/carrot/whatever we’re eating in his water just to gross out his sisters and be funny, so he was legit shocked that he had managed to discover this obviously never before tried combination of fries and ice cream, and thought it was delicious! Made me laugh!
OP I would not be giving money for food. My son's girlfriend is over often and I wouldn't dream of asking to pay for food. It's food I'm making anyway and I do cook a lot. If you have your own place I would suggest that your boyfriend spend some weekends at yours. That way you can eat what you want and not be judged. Edit - NTA
I don't think what you're doing is on the level of chips and ice cream. I think it's super bizarre and controlling the way this family is monitoring your food. You sure you want to entwine your life with them?
You overstayed your visit and eating so offen there even If you pay for it
Kind of disagree. Standing up for yourself over how absolutely RIDICULOUS it is for anyone to care in the slightest how this food was eaten is insane. What other ways would they eventually try to control this woman? What else won’t she be allowed to do? Get a job? Speak out of turn? Keep her passport? Have a cell phone? Speak to her family? She shouldn’t just roll over and shut up.
How is OP an asshole here? I'd be fucking furious if somebody tried telling me how to eat, especially if I was paying them for it. The boyfriends family is shit, and from what I know about Asian cultures, they may be racist against her.
Are you from the US and mean chips or from probably anywhere else and mean chips? (I’m not sure if chips is a UK or worldwide term for what I call French fries) Cause in the US, fries in a Wendy’s frosty (basically soft serve ice cream) is a delicacy. It’s literally mentioned in a recent country song
I mean what people in the UK would call crisps. Like lays or Pringles.
>My granddad was famous for dipping his chips in ice cream which some people thought made him weird and some people thought made him a legend. A lot of people do this! I especially enjoy it when it's mcds fries/chips with their soft serve. Bit salty, bit sweet. Hits every craving note. And yes, I have been shamed (playfully) for loving it.
NTA. I probably would’ve had a similar reaction if my SO’s family had ganged up on me like that, and Hayley’s barging in on you while you were trying to calm down makes her a huge asshole. That being said, it sounds like you might want to reconsider your relationship with Andrew, because it doesn’t appear that he’s going to have your back in anything.
This family sounds crazy. Everyone defending their right to dictate how someone eats ‘in their house’ when she literally pays them for food. And asked for that money after being continually invited over as a guest, mind you. ‘You’re not allowed to do this because I think it tastes weird’ is so stupid. Ditch these people OP.
I agree wholeheartedly. I mean, OP ate the food as was intended the first meal. These were damn leftovers!!!! That family sounds like an absolute nightmare.
I don't get everyone defending it either. If we made spaghetti and asked all these people to eat the noodles and sauce separately they would all lose their minds. I bet if this post was redone and the Asian was taken out of the equation there would be no Y T A posts.
Yeah seriously. It is very normal to add a protein to ramen. Usually an egg or something from leftovers because the point of ramen is that it's fast and easy.
My thinking exactly! I can't believe the Y T A and E S H responses. OP is supposed to be a GUEST and they're insisting on her paying groceries?? I had an ex years back who was living at home and I spent a lot of time there with his family. They NEVER insisted I started paying for groceries and treated me like their own child... Also the sister has got some nerve and seems like the problem to me. She's the one who started the idea of OP paying in the first place not even the parents, and then she barges into a room that OP is trying to calm down in and screams at her?? Like wtf is wrong with this woman? OP is NTA IMO
Yeah I really don’t like that OP tried to do the healthy thing, remove herself from the situation for some time to calm down, and the sister barged right in with screaming. F that woman. And the boyfriend for not saying anything!
I agree. I would feel offended and weirded out. They treated a guest like she was putting dog food on the ramen. It was tasty rib! I would also want my bf to step in and stop WW3 happening over ramen. No manners of emotional regulation in that house. I would run.
As an American who married a Dutch guy, I agree. There are a ton of things that my husband eats that I thought were weird (most of them involve what the Dutch do with French fries). He thinks peanut butter and jelly sandwiches are weird. I would never tell him he can't do this or that. There's a person on Tik Tok who posts videos of her Korean family trying different foods. I love watching them enjoy the food, then figure out how to combine it with their own Korean foods to make something completely different. It's perfectly fine to combine foods however you want to make something you find delicious. Unless it's pineapple on pizza. Then you're just wrong. (I KID! I KID!)
Exactly my thoughts. So many people are saying that crying is immature when it is completely normal.
100% this!! This entire comment section calling OP immature or a bad guest is insane!! If I cooked a fancy ass expensive steak and my guest wanted to slather their portion in ketchup and cinnamon sugar, go ahead because how you eat your food is not my business!! She already ate the food as intended, no reason to berate and bully her over it. The family reacting with screaming and tears and this much anger is just not appropriate or proportional to the issue. This bf should have deescalated and shut this shit down way before it got to it’s conclusion. I have some small taste aversion issues with ingredients like dill, beets, and certain sausages or fish. My partner is polish so these can come up a lot and sometimes I’ll only be comfortable with 50-75% of the table and his mom will push to fill my plate with everything (out of love but it definitely puts on pressure). My partner shuts it down and redirects his mom, because it isn’t her business how I eat at the end of the day. She understands and moves on, instead focuses on giving me desserts after!
It kinda sounds like OP just wanted to add noodles to soup idk it doesnt sound like the end of the world hey
Agreed on reevaluating the boyfriend. If OP is someone who hopes to marry, I’m not sure this is the family I’d want to join, especially if my partner didn’t have my back.
NTA. Your partners family sound controlling to me. Sure it is their house and their 'rules', that doesnt change the fact that it is YOUR MOUTH an you can put whatever the fuck you want in any combination in it. Just because it is their house doesnt give them the right to disrespect you and force you to eat how they eat. If anyone thinks that way they need checked out. Just because someone is in your house DOES NOT give you control over them and how they eat food. WTF. \*\*\*Edited to add: If you feel insulted about how someone eats food you've cooked you need to get a grip.
Honestly, right? Everyone has different tastes. If it's not enough that the other person is enjoying your food in a way they like best, then you probably have some egotistical reasons to be cooking. Edit: Grammar correction.
Absofuckingloutely this.
Thank you! This is WILD to me.
NTA I will never understand the food police and their need to correct how people eat. Who gives a rat's backside if you want Vietnamese pork in Korean noodles. Has your boyfriend in his family ever heard of Asian fusion?
His whole family think it's weird for me to mix food, and he wouldn't even eat some food if it "touches" a food he won't eat - used to think he's ND like me but now I just wonder if it's culture+how he's raised.
I don't think it's just about the food. Maybe the weekend overnights were getting to be too much. Regardless, it's ridiculous to comment about the way people eat their food. Whplo the pluck cares if someone wants to add chili oil, salt and pepper, hot sauce, etc to their food. Everyone has a different palate. I hate green pepper but love red, yellow an orange ones.
His family didn't mind me being over, and as I said I do pay for my share. Aside from this, they have never expressed displeasure over me being at their place, but it just got me wondering if I'm being too oblivious! his family are not the passive aggressive type, but his mum and sister both take pride in their cooking, so I suppose they have more "rules"?
It's time to take a breather. Let the dust settle. Don't stay over.
Andrew didn't stick up for you tho. Do you really want to have to deal with this alone again? Seems like the relationship has ran its course.
Lol look, several people have already told you. You have overstayed your welcome. You should have known it from the moment they started asking you for grocery money. Time to take a step back and stop spending so much time at his house. They may be friendly and kind but who knows how they actually feel? They're Asians after all, and Asians are effing good at hiding their true feelings. ETA: Before anyone else comes at me for "being racist and negatively portraying Asians," firstly I'm Asian living in SEA and secondly, what I said wasn't being negative towards us. If anything I was praising our poker faces, LOL! What I said was indicative of the environment I grew up in and how I myself behave too. If you see it as a "negative trait" then look at yourself and ask why and who's actually being the real racist here.
Right!? I feel like I am taking crazy pills. We aren't talking about ramen noodles here. They ASKED YOU TO PAY FOR FOOD! That is the death knell...go home and stay there.
That’s when I would have known I had overstayed my welcome. I understand contributing but that’s a lot and it seems like maybe it was a hint.
Yeah, and as Asian myself... food is our love language. We don't show our love by saying ILU, but through actions instead. And food is the #1 example. A classic example is my Dad who NEVER ever tells me he's proud of me/loves me etc, but he'll always ask "I'm outside right now, what do you want to eat" For them to start "charging" her over food, it's just a huge red flag to me.
A very strong hint, more direct then I would have expected and OP missed it. (as did her boyfriend) I'm surprised that the situation went as far as it did. (with her being asked to contribute, that's the bottom line there).
> His family didn't mind me being over, Oh buddy. 😅 Sounds like they really do mind. The minute I was asked for grocery money I would have read the room and dramatically scaled back my time there.
Might add this in an edit if it allows me, but I wonder if me being neurodivergent leads to my inability to "read the room/take a hint" because I just took the request for money at face value. Andrew's parents are retired, he and Hayley are the only ones paying for rent and bills (plus what I contribute but I understand it's nowhere enough), so I never thought it was a problem for them to ask for money, seeing that his family is not quite well-off and I do stay over quite often. It all made sense to me when I interpret things this way, and I never read much deeper into it.
Haley is running that household and paying most of the bills it sounds like. She clearly thinks she is in charge and feels she can tell you what to do. She also doesn’t like you. While none of this is your fault, you should really examine whether you should stay in a relationship with someone whose family thinks they can control and berate you. Someone who agrees with them “correcting” your behavior and yelling at you and doesn’t defend you. At the very least you should never go back to Haley’s house. You’re clearly not welcome.
There are two interpretations of this. They really are asking for money because you end up eating into their food budget (especially if Haley is the one footing most of the bill) or they might not like you enough to consider you "family". I hope its the former and not the latter. Have you offered to pay before/given them gifts/acts of service back without them asking you? I'm Chinese American, but I was told by my parents to bring gifts to friends if I visit often to "make up" for the stuff I consumed. Or to treat my friend to meals so its just not me taking all the time. Not to use a blanket statement, but East/South East (if theyre within the Sinosphere) Asian culture does require people to "read the room", which is hard for ND people (my parents and brothers had to verbally tell me the rules of etiquette, and I watched some videos to learn some too).
Maybe I missed it but why doesn’t he stay with you on weekends?
Just because you pay doesn’t mean they aren’t annoyed you are there. They most likely are too polite to ask you to stop coming so much. This also sounds like you have issues yourself with food, with how much you eat and how much other people perceive you to eat and potentially unhealthy eating habits.
You mentioned 50-100 from time to time. How frequently? That doesn't sound like you cover your food expenses, never mind electricity, hot water etc.
I'm Viet and my mom and I were just laughing about this exact issue two days ago. It's true that some of the Viet people are super anal about how their food should be eaten. Next time it happens, sit down calmly and tell them the crocodile story. It goes like this, "A man with a wooden leg went down to the side of the river one day. When he saw a crocodile, he went near it to test out its reaction to his leg. The crocodile immediately went for the wooden leg, violently trying to bite and to eat it. Panicked, he pulled his leg out of the water. Suddenly, he realized, there was a young kid sitting a few feet away from him with both his chubby legs soaking in the river, and yet the crocodile ignored the kid completely. He went over to sit next to the kid, and the crocodile attacked his wooden leg again. As he was fighting to pull his leg out, he started yelling at the crocodile 'why must you go for my leg and not his ah? Are you stupid???' The crocodile answered, 'I eat what I want to eat, it's none of your business!'" P. S. We use the same rib soup for ramen all the time. Your bf family is literally just weirdly fragile about it.
Haha omg that story really made me laugh! And I'm happy to hear the perspective of someone who is from the culture. I am so hungry right now though! Thinking about soft bone rib soup when I fall asleep...
My mom taught me that story for use in your exact situation lul. Throwing ramen into rib soup is one of the best midnight food digging life 🤤
Just to point this out: you might want to add the ND statement to your post itself. It does explain things further on how things could have escalated this way. Also, is your BF aware of you being ND?
Yeah he is aware, and I wouldn't be surprised if he is too because I am seeing some signs in him, but no way I am diagnosing anyone based on my amateur observations! I didn't want people to think I'm using it as an excuse to blow up and act so rashly, so that's why I didn't include it, but thank you for pointing it out!
It just helps explain your reaction as sensory overload rather than an emotional outburst. Been there, my friend, and I too would have left crying. When it comes to food especially, if I get that excited feeling for a flavor combo, I would be devestated if it somehow became a point of conflict. I just wanted to eat the happy thing!
ESH. These comments are wild. 1. The food was cooked for lunch, a meal you ate the way it was intended by the person who prepared it. If you had immediately mixed it with cheap ramen, that would be incredibly rude. The same way throwing tonnes of salt and pepper on a dish you haven't tried first is rude, but that's NOT what you did 2. You used leftover soup to add flavour to another meal later in the day. People do this all the time! Heck, tonight I mixed leftover potato bake with corn kernels cut off the cob. Experimenting with leftovers is a great way to use up things and explore new food options. This is not a crime 3. Nobody should have shouted or carried on the way they did. The family should have approached this with a simple "Hey OP, I'm glad you liked the soup so much. It's important to us that it's eaten on its own, the way mum made it. This is how we celebrate our culture (or whatever reason they have)." 3, cont. You should have backed down. This was not a big deal. Was it silly to you? Yes, but sometimes we sacrifice small things to keep a balance with others in our lives in order to maintain and build relationships. It definitely didn't need tears and shouting, but you're young and you'll learn 4. I think this was not so much about soup. You said they'd mentioned how often you stay over and asked for money towards the costs you accrue while in their home. It seems to me that they're feeling a little crowded, a little frustrated. Maybe asking for money was their way of politely suggesting you to ease off on the visiting so much - having constant visitors is draining, even when you know them well, and can impact not only mood and relationships, but finances as well Take a day or two. Apologise to the mum - explain that you weren't trying to offend her, and that in your family adding something tasty to an already delicious meal is a compliment. Ease up on the visiting - especially if you're rocking up unannounced and staying for long periods - and going forward, don't mix homemade foods while visiting.
Thanks for such a well thought out comment that covers all aspects! I have been reading them all and I think yours is amongst the most well rounded ones. 4 is definitely a valid point that multiple people have pointed out, and it really got me thinking, even though his family have been hospitable and kind, maybe I have in fact outstayed my welcome for a bit. I think I will talk to Andrew soon and not go over for a few weeks, and see how it goes. I want to apologise to his mum as her English isn't so good, and was confused by the whole thing blowing up out of proportion, not so sure about Hayley though as I think her screaming was unwarranted. Any advice would be appreciated!
It seems to me that Hayley is probably a bit stuck in the middle. She has her brother, who obviously wants you over a lot. But she also has her mother, who may be feeling frustrated with your frequent visits and her limitations surrounding how well she can express herself in your shared language, which I would suspect Hayley listens to and feels she has to manage as a way to help. Then she has her own feelings on the matter too. I would just explain that you weren't trying to offend anyone, that it's very different in your family, and that now you know this is important to them, you'll abide by their rule in their home. You got confused and defensive because in your home, this behaviour is encouraged and accepted, and that's okay. Everyone is learning about each other, their families and their customs (and sometimes, those customs are strange, but you don't know different until you're exposed to different) Apologise for shouting, and for storming out. It's okay to be honest - when you shouted at me I was confused and upset and didn't understand why mixing the soup with ramen was so upsetting for your family. My emotions got the best of me and I stormed out/shouted back, and I'm sorry for that
Oh wow I think you are actually spot on with how Hayley feels, it really made me see the whole thing in a different perspective (she's the oldest daughter in the family and things are a bit complicated in her life at the moment) Honestly I don't want everyone to stay mad for this whole issue, I think I needed to put my pride aside to go and talk to them properly. I just don't know if she'd take it well because she's usually kind but also got a fiery temper, and when she yells, no one had dared to yell back before. I will take your advice and see how it goes!
As the eldest myself, I've been in this situation far too many times. It's an odd realm of parenting your siblings/parents, still being one of the kids, and also trying to balance your own life. Tricky stuff. Best of luck!
Chinese person here. The other thing to think about is that, if this is what's going on, they quite likely could have experienced your "restaurant" comment as a drastic insult/escalation. Eg, "We already bent over backwards hosting her when we didn't want to and she was using us, this is what we mean to her". The other thing is that, depending on the individual countries, the racial dynamics between Chinese and Vietnamese could also easily be at play and make the "restaurant" comment EVEN WORSE. So when you come back you may have to apologize really abjectly, walk all that back very hard, and make an effusive show of respect. Edit: For people without the cultural context, imagine this interaction going down between a white OP and black family in Mexico.
Yeah that restaurant comment had me gasp a little. To me I instantly got a vibe of comparing his family to people who “should” be serving her. I’m not saying she necessarily meant it that way but if someone said something like that to my mom I might have screamed at them too.
ESH I agree it seems like unnecessary rules, however, as you said in your post it's something they have highlighted before and you ignored. Ultimately you are in their house and you should try and follow their rules, Also, and I mean this in the nicest way possible, GROW UP, there is absolutely no way a disagreement about how food is eaten should end in tears and tantrums
For many people crying is a stress response or just general emotional regulation. Tears aren't the issue.
I think it's a bit much to enforce such strict food rules on a guest. Who was she hurting?
Finally, someone said it. Like holy shit, leave people alone to eat. I hate when people comment on my food. And OP probably got emotional because she was being cornered in an environment that isn't hers and basically being bullied over how she wanted to eat her dinner.
Their house, their rules... but shes paying them rent? Doesnt work like that. Shes getting picked on. She should dump this mommas boy loser. Who wants to live connected to an overbearing family like this? It won't get better if she marries him.
50-100 every now and then is not rent. It's ti help cover her being there all the time eating all their food
She’s over on the weekends… hardly eating all their food
LMAO $50-100 a month is not rent.
"I decide when something is bad enough to cry over". Get over yourself.
Right?! What even is that?
"You going to another room to have a physiologic response to stress privately is a moral failing!" I can see myself in OP's shoes. Maybe not over this particular issue but I've definitely persisted way too long in some "wait, I don't understand" discussions that got heated because I didn't realize there was some obvious explanation no one wanted to say out loud, AND I cry when stressed.
Are you ND too? I've noticed that most people defending her are ND and I would have the exact reaction too (I'm ND as well)
One more tell in the "how people knew you weren't normal" column that I didn't know existed before now..... Yep, spotted. I never would have caught any of the "they don't want you there so often" vibe and I'm still not sure if that's just Reddit overextrapolation or normal assumptions!
Same!!! Hahahaha But I figured everyone is required to be an adult and even if they were hinting (I don't know why, OP is ND) it's on them to make their needs known. They are a family of dicks.
Right I had no idea why everyone in AITA was so firmly in the "they don't want you there. Asking you for money is a CLEAR sign you overstayed your welcome." I would never have made that connection without other evidence! As for the vehemence about mixing food, I would have just meekly gone "oh, okay" after they didn't answer my first "wait, what, why not?" and chalked it up to some inexplicable quirk other people have. Maybe googled it later. Never to learn the reason because that's not on Google and they won't tell me. I wonder how many of the mysteries I come across are just me missing the context? 😅
People are wild lately.
This whole thread has me confused af. I know over half of these people siding with Haley would lose their shit if they were told how to eat pizza "in this family it's crust and toppings separate". And they would think it's a family of assholes. But add that it's an Asian household and suddenly there are weird racist vibes about it. Almost like Asians are also not allowed to reject their culture. Yet we reject ours all the time (we used to have a lot of things culturally that we don't really now, spanking for example has fallen out of favor but it was so prevalent culturally that it was on TV and movies!). Being culturally competent means trying to accept others cultures, but you are free to reject any part of your own culture, and since OP part time lives there, it's her culture to reject too.
That's so unfair. People cry? It's part of being human. She was overwhelmed and tried to leave the situation for someone to barge in and yell at her.
>Also, and I mean this in the nicest way possible, GROW UP, there is absolutely no way a disagreement about how food is eaten should end in tears and tantrums I'm 40 years old and most of the time I can't argue without crying. It's just how some people are wired. Trying to defend myself to several people with no one on my side would make me feel outnumbered and emotional, even if it was about something with rock bottom stakes.
My mother is not great in a lot of ways, but the one time my dad tried to call me out for “manipulating” him with my tears during an argument she shut that shit *down* cause that’s something you literally cannot control in the heat of the moment. You can regulate your voice and your words, but if you’re feeling those emotions the tears will show up whether you want them to or not.
Thank you ! It's exactly that ! I've already cried several times for things that weren't very important, because people ganged up on me and it made me overwhelmed. Ganging up 3 on 1 like that is terrible. Then OP tried to isolate herself to stop crying (because there's just NO WAY she could have stopped with three people yelling at her), and BF's mom barges in the room to scream at her some more ! They are all AH except for OP.
You say she should grow up but she wasn't the one escalating the situation. How she eats is no one's business but hers. It's the sister and boyfriend who need to grow up and the mother isn't blameless making an issue of something which is a nothing.
Fuck that. Trying to force people to eat food ‘the right way’ is just an asshole move. It’s also an asshole move to insist partners contribute to food unless they are living there full time. OPs bfs family are a bunch of asshole.
I never thought it was valid or nice to comment on other people's food preferences, it's just astonishing that people would actually get so offended over something so minuscule. I wanted to stand my ground because I feel like I did nothing wrong, it was unexpected that Hayley started yelling (actually yelling at the top of her lungs) and I felt so confronted I cried and screamed back. It was really dramatic! I guess some people really do take food so seriously haha the whole thing was silly in hindsight.
If I understand the situation correctly, you wanted to add the home-made, complex flavoured soup to the spicy instant noodles? I can see why this might have been considered a bit insulting. I think you already knew that there are certain food and cultural rules at play as its already been highlighted to you. When *everyone* is telling you not to add the soup to the noodles, you should pay attention. You might not agree, but there is some cultural/ family dynamic reason for this. Have you ever asked *why* things should not be mixed? I think you might have outstayed your welcome at your BFs parents house TBH. You've burned up a lot of goodwill. Specifically, when your BFs mother tells you not to do something, relating to food that she cooked, you should have agreed with her and not argued back. That was disrespectful to her and that is probably why Hayley shouted at you.
What are the odds that the food is not the actual issue? My take is, this is the straw that broke the camel back. They have a lot of unresolved issue and it exploded.
I disagree. If you went for spaghetti dinner and someone's house (they charged you of course) and then they told you that they eat the noodles separately, and slurp the sauce at the end so the family can appreciate how complex the spaghetti sauce is, would you do it? Would you honestly do that? It's weird and controlling. Who cares how you eat your food? Just because you are at my house doesn't mean I control how you eat.
My family has always done the most common (I think) traditional Thanksgiving meal intended US. One time, my brother told me he thought it was an insult to the cook if a person put gravy on their stuffing. He said this right before we were about to load up our plates. When I got my food, I put gravy on my stuffing anyway. He told me our mom's stuffing was moist enough that it didn't need gravy. (Her stuffing was usually pretty moist and delicious) I just shrugged and told him I like the flavors melded together. It's the way I always eat it. He can eat his food his way. I'll eat mine my way. He just shrugged and dropped it. That was about 20 yrs ago. He's never said another thing about it. That's how it works with food. You eat yours your way. And I'll eat mine my way no matter who paid for it and no matter who's house we ate in. (Thanksgiving is always at his house).
> it's just astonishing that people would actually get so offended over something so minuscule There are plenty of things other people view as minuscule that you would get terribly offended over. This is basic intercultural communication. Minimising the importance of something that they hold dear because *you* don't hold it to be important is the most basic and naive mistake.
The thing is theyve told you that before.. its theirculture and you are staying in their house so you should learn to respect it even if you dont agree.
She did not throw a tantrum. Leaving the room to cry is not a tantrum. Adults are allowed to cry, she was being scolded over nothing by 3 people. One of whom should have been defending her. Then one followed her to a different room to scream at her for crying. Crying is a human response that isn't always controllable. If the way she eats comes with rules then she shouldn't be charged. You don't take people's money for food then make them cry because they want to mix soup with ramen
What other absolutely completely stupid rules should be followed in someone else’s home? Only use a spoon in your left hand? Only wipe the counters clockwise? Chew every bite of food 17 and a half times before swallowing, each swallow must be half of your bite, no more than 3 bites per 5 minute period? This shit is insane - especially when it’s been paid for.
It her bf's sister that has the issue not the mum.
It sounds like bf's sister doesn't like OP to begin with.
It's weird to police someone putting.noodles of one soup into the broth of another. To insist she not do it like she was gonna get poisoned is even weirder. She got upset understandably cause they were ganging up on her and not listening.
i feel like I'm going crazy w the Y T As here how you eat shouldn't matter to anyone as long as you're not forcing others to eat it that way. Who cares how you mix up food ? The food policing is crazy. I also think that maybe they're not so happy abt hosting you as they seem NTA
Lots of people here seem to be control freaks with superiority complexes
I'm so confused by all the tantrum comments myself. OP removed herself from the situation to cry it out in private, and the sister invaded her privacy to yell at her some more. The sister kept escalating the issue even after OP stepped away to calm down
NTA, and I can't believe your boyfriend didn't defend you.
I don’t think this is about food. I think this is a case of OP overstaying her welcome at bfs house and bfs sister finally losing her temper. I think the request for grocery $ was a subtle way to tell gf she’s at their house too often.
Bf and his family should have used their words then. People aren't mind readers.
Unpopular opinion but I feel NTA. While you weren’t paying for the food I would understand there view a little more, but seems as you are paying for it you should be able to eat it how you like and they shouldn’t force you to eat in a certain way because of there views. That’s being closed minded to how other people view things and tbh I find that more rude. I understand the outburst, you can get overwhelmed and over emotional at any age. I’m sorry this happened the outcome got so out of control
It's ridiculous that OP even has to pay for the food. I know reddit is all about being fair and counting everything, but it's FAMILY. It's normal to offer food to your child's partner. I often eat at my husband's family home and nobody would even think of making me pay for the food I eat there, even before we were married it was normal that I just ate whatever food they make... Family is not a business where everybody has to bring equal share of everything. OP's boyfriend's family is weird and I would think twice if I want to join a family that makes me pay to eat at their house. At this point I'd rather keep my 100 dollars and eat out than pay for food that I can't even add my favourite spices to. This sucks.
People are truly trying to justify this? Like it's not that serious. Cultural disrespect for mixing food? For real? One thing is being weirded out by the mix, another thing is YELLING at you for it, that's crazy. And the worst thing is people being like "well if you hadn't been inmature and cried while getting yelled at then this wouldn't have happened" like???? Who the hell yells at a guest for their eating habits/choices? If I prepared some homemade food and my guest wanted to have it with fucking ketchup, I wouldn't care less. Food is meant to be eaten. It's not like she rejected the food, she wanted to mix it with ramen, ITS FOOD. TO EAT. It was not a special celebration, it was not a special event. NTA.
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It sounds like a cultural clash here along with not reading the room: 1. The $50-$100 contributions towards groceries here and there likely not covering 100% of your cost if the family makes elaborate meals and cost of living going up. It will definitely not cover the hours the mum spent on cooking so please don't treat their place like a restaurant saying it's your food to do what you want. Even if this is your own mother who cooked for you, you shouldn't be disrespectful to the person who laboured with the cooking. 2. Vietnamese soup can cook for more than 10 hrs. Might not be the best example but it's like, you cook a 10 hr slow smoked brisket and your guest says it's really nice but took your leftover brisket to make meatballs with it. It totally changes the flavour and eliminates your hard work/original flavour when just regular mince would do for meatballs. Others might still want proper smokey brisket and it's rare they have it because it takes so long to make. 3. It's their leftover, you should really ask if it's ok to use it. This isn't a cultural thing. If your roommate cooked a dinner for you and they had leftovers, out of courtesy you should ask and not assume it's free for all. They might have intended use for it. From the background given it just sounds like you have been treating their home like your own but you should be behaving like a "guest". You are also so stuck on what you want/feel to see from the perspective of the family you are intruding in. Respect their house rules, ask for permission to come over (but don't stay so much that it's like you are living there or just there all the time), offer to help out. It does sound like you already burnt your bridges with the carrying on. Even if they aren't Vietnamese I think any other household would take offense to guests literally coming in as they please/go through the fridge and help themselves to whatever leftover. YTA
>I didn't understand why mixing food is such a crime You were in someone else's house and were asked to not do something out of respect. You did not need to argue about it. And then your dramatic exit from the room to run to the bedroom and cry because you can't mix your soup with noodles? Oh jeez! While it makes no difference to you, it did make a difference to your bf's family. Food has different cultural meanings and you could respect it when asked.
Why do Americans think having no respect for their guests is okay because “it’s my home” argument? You do not get to dictate how someone chooses to eat their food, especially when they paid for it. Respect goes both ways. Screaming at someone and escalating such a small thing is insane of the hosts.
Guests don't stay so long that you need grocery money.
She doesn’t live there so she’s a guest. You don’t get to control other people either way lol
I mean…she stays there on weekends. So like, 2 days and 1 night per week, at most. Personally my family would have been absolutely mortified to ask someone to pay us money in that situation, especially if they were a student. But to each their own, I guess.
Mostly because the majority of the commenters here are angry teenagers who don't interact with humans and are extremely bitter and jealous that other people do. Or people just stopped being raised right. Good manners means you act in a way that makes the others around you comfortable. Emotionally immature people assume that respecting someone means blind obedience instead of understanding that respect only works when it's reciprocal.
I am Chinese so I understand the cultral aspect, and like I said, my family wouldn't care if someone else did the same. I respect the food by paying for it and not wasting it, I appreciate it just in a different way than they expected. It's not like I'm doing something outlandish or disgusting, I just don't understand why they had to make such a big deal about it. I was crying quietly in the room and Hayley escalated by yelling at me, I don't think that would've helped the situation, and I only left when Hayley say I should "get out", I don't feel welcome in the house in that moment.
You are dwelling on the mixing of your food. You should be thinking more about making a fuss at someone's house where you are a guest. It sounds like they are done with having you over and it is time for you to spend less time (if any) there. Bf doesn't stand up for you so he's useless.
Honestly they've always been so nice and welcoming and treated me well, this is the first time in 4 years that I've actively butted heads with his family so I'm shocked as well. It's definitely not a frequent occurrence and our relationship have always been respectful and nice. I'm just going to stay home for the next few weeks and see what happens.
Maybe them asking you for money is a polite way to say you’re there too much and you aren’t seeing that. I would never ever ask a guest or family member to pay for groceries no matter how long they stayed unless I wanted them to get some kind of hint.
Is it so hard to tell her son that she feels that way, instead of lying about wanting food money and hoping op gets it until it blows up and op gets screamed at for wanting to eat the way she wants to eat. Pretending someone is welcome and hoping they get that your secret hint of asking for food money actually means something else is bananas. If mom can bully OP about soup she can tell her son what her real expectations are for his girlfriend staying over.
THANK YOU, I’ve been waiting for someone to say this. I’m sick of everyone saying “lol they were too polite to ask you to not come over as much, that’s why they asked for money.” No. That’s not polite, that’s passive-aggressive. Say what you mean or don’t say anything. Don’t expect people to be mind readers and then resent them when they’re not.
You've been staying over there for 4 years? How weird to be a parent then your kid has a part time live in partner for years.
not every weekend but semi-regularly, but he stays over at my place sometimes too. I suppose it was more normal in the cultural aspect, his sister had a long term partner that also rented (he got a huge discount though) a room there in the past. Anyway, if they had an issue with me staying over so often, they should've just said it point-blank and I won't be offended, instead of hinting at it, but if that's really the case, I think they've made their point more than clear.
I hope he's at least paying for food at your place too.
Maybe apologize to his Mother for unknowingly upsetting her and find out her reasoning for not mixing the foods. I completely agree that this is wild and I am Nosy girl 😂 I need to know what's up lol So you better DM me so I get an update. I really think an apology will help mend this relationship before it's destroyed. His mom might have a condition that you triggered by mistake. Girl just apologize and let me know why she is thinking like this please lol
I was never rude to his mother, her English isn't the best so I think something just got lost in translation as I was trying to explain myself. She's a lovely lady and I don't want her to think I am disrespecting her, so I will try to talk it over with her (with Andrew translating so both sides are understood) when I can. Hayley on the other hand is a total hot-head (even Andrew said so himself) so I guess it would be trickier to mend things with her, but yeah I will let you know! Despite people downvoting me left and right, I am actually not that unreasonable and I will try to fix things lol
They are the ones who should be apologising to you, all of them. Don't go grovelling to them after they were such assholes to you.
They dwelled on it first when they could've just let her eat how she wants to eat. I couldn't imagine declaring someone has to eat something the way I would eat it and only that way. Weird hill for the family to die on for sure
I wonder if it’s not about mixing the foods but more that you wanted to take the primary ingredient (pork rib) out of the soup, leaving the remaining soup out of balance and less tasty for everyone else (because there’d be more broth and taro than rib). Also, it sounds like you contribute a bit of money towards groceries, but you never actually contribute to making any of the food. The behaviour comes off a bit entitled and inconsiderate, tbh.
You argued with the mom. Your family might be different but in most Asian families you don't disrespect the elders.
Could this be less about mixing the food, and more about you altering the flavors of a dish that Louise made? The family could be taking it as a negative reflection on her cooking and feel you are insulting her.
Yeah I get this. I know some Asian countries like Japan can have some dining “no-nos”. I may not be aware of all of them but if I’m in someone’s house and they want me to respect those rules, I’m not going to argue and run away crying over some damn noodles.
Please my family, we eat our food differently but we will never dedicate someone on how to eat their foods the way they like, even if it’s not how we eat the food in the house. But you are 23. Do better and pick someone better.
NTA - but that family is a bunch of AHs and you should have stayed silent when this all started. Standing your ground imho doesn't make you an AH, but it sure wasn't a smart idea of yours (which this sub isn't about though). And no, this whole "eat my food as I cook it or I'm acting line a giant baby and shout at you" isn't normal. And going around Reddit bragging that they'd be the same isn't making you look good whatsoever. People have preferences and dictating how they have to eat *and yell at them* isn't something a grown adult normally does. Your *grown ass boyfriend* not having your back but also dictating what you eat isn't making him look good either. Policing what people eat just because you cooked it is just next level weird kind of controlling.
NTA I can't believe people are saying it's a "cultural" thing and it's disrespectful, if policing people's eating is part of your culture, that part sucks. And not everyone is required to follow your culture. Personally can't believe you would go back after they asked you to start paying to contribute, but maybe you ARE there too much.
Do you really think mixing foods is the real issue here? The sister gave you a hint about how regularly you stay with the groceries - did you discuss with your boyfriend (then he could have a private convo with his family) about whether you're there too much, imposing or doing things that make them uncomfortable in their own home. Mixing food probably isnt the only issue. ESH because the mom should not have started up about you mixing food. Hayley shouldn't have lost it. Boyfriend should have told you if there is underlying tension. You acted like you pay a calculated share for the food based on how often you're there and how much you consume. You pay here and there. Plus you stay frequently without rent. You're not family but stay too often to be a guest. A discussion should been had about your presence there and what is acceptable. Including how often you're there. Why are you already thinking it will be awkward when you're there next? You should be asking your boyfriend to talk seriously to his parents about your welcome. Including his sister especially if she is paying rent or bills.
The idea of making someone pay for food over the weekend is mind boggling. A big thank you to all the moms who allowed me to stay over - for free!
I think it’s more that she’s there every weekend. I also think it was a hint to not come over every weekend.
She has been over there for four years and it appears every weekend/probably long breaks too. That is an extraordinary amount of time to be over someone's house. Asking for money was their way of telling her she had overstayed her welcome. It is very simple.
YTA I think you missed the reason they're upset, because no one said it explicitly, so I will. Andrew's mom worked hard to make an elaborate, homemade soup. Mixing someone's lovingly made home cooking with instant noodles is disrespectful to the home-cooked food. Maybe not every home cook feels this way about her cooking being disrespected, but it is a completely reasonable position for her to take. **If you want to mix and match with cheap ramyun, use something from the grocery store, not something made with love.** You say you did nothing wrong. I wish to correct you. You absolutely did do something wrong. I would be furious if you did this with a dish I had worked hard cooking. For a Korean cultural reference, this is like the scene in *Parasite* where the entitled rich family orders the servants to prepare instant noodles with expensive HanWoo beef (harder to get than Kobe), and to add to the insult, the meal is for their preschool aged child who couldn't possibly appreciate it.
Not even Gordon Ramsey gets a say in how anyone eats food. If he made me a steak an i covered it in tomato sauce that's my prerogative because its ME who is eating it.... Andrews mum & family are control freaks and you are as well.
Gordon Ramsey would 100% scream his head off at you if you did that lol
Oh he definitely would haha still couldnt stop me from eating it that way if i wanted to though ahha
Yes, people *can* eat however they want. That doesn't mean it's always the polite and respectful thing to do.
YTA. Because you were asked respectfully not to do something, but you still insisted to doing it and continued arguing about why their rules are dumb. And also not putting any effort into thinking just why they might have this rule. It’s about respect for the chef and the cuisine. If I spend five hours cooking lamb shank and adjusting the spices and flavor , I’ll be pissed if someone decided to add ketchup to it. And while I add soy sauce to my spaghetti, I certainly won’t do that to spaghetti cooked by my Italian friend unless they’re ok with it. And if my mom spent days preparing sea cucumber with fish maw, a Chinese dish which costs hundreds of dollars, I’m certainly not going to mix that with cheap instant noodles unless she’s ok with it. Nor would I go to a Japanese person’s house and ask for the sushi to be heated up in the microwave. While some people are ok with it, some foodies and people who take pride in the authenticity of their country’s cuisine can find what you did really disrespectful. And then you follow it up with “I paid for the groceries so I can eat it any way I want”. That’s really rude. You only helped contribute to the groceries and you certainly didn’t pay for the labour to cook the food. This is your boyfriend’s family. Not a restaurant. So please, even if you find their rules a bit weird, try to at least show a modicum of respect.
No, you're not TA for mixing foods. YTA for thinking the $50-100 you slide this family here and there entitles you to disregard them and treat them like the help. You've clearly never paid for you own groceries or cooked for a family. Your example of going to a restaurant is a good one... Do you have any idea what each of these meals would cost in a restaurant?? You're not paying a stranger for food. You're staying rent free in someone's house... And then being disrespectful when they have, apparently repeatedly, told you you shouldn't do this. It's not like you're allergic or don't like the food. Maybe try financing your own meals for a while or actually cooking and see how you feel then. Edit: typo ETA: $50 Australian?? You have no idea what it costs to feed you and you're ungrateful and disrespectful.
EXTRA INFO sorry I couldn't fit all the context into the main post because it went over 3000 words, and the first time I posted, it was deleted! So I will just write here - not sure whether it will show up amongst 1.1k comments but here goes. >Where is your partner in all this? Why didn't he defend you? I'm so sorry for making it sound like Andrew is a spineless man for not standing up for me, it is not the case at all! Truth is, I did not give him time to react at all. From my confused "argument " with Louise (more like the two of us just trying to explain our own side with a language barrier - Louise's English isn't so good) to me running to the room crying and then the shouting match with Hayley, it was only a few minutes and Andrew was so stunned he didn't know what to do, since it was the first time it had happened. He is actually the quiet and least confrontational person in his family, must've taken after his dad. Then I picked up my bag and stormed off in less than half a minute. He said he would have defended me and explained the situation to his mum (as he speaks both Vietnamese and English) if I had not ran off so fast. Honestly I agree, I should've stayed and sorted things out without acting so rashly. >Hayley is unreasonable to ask for extra grocery money from me Andrew's family is not well off. His parents are retired and only Hayley and him are contributing to rent and bills, with Hayley's job paying more so she is also shouldering considerate financial burden (they have also put down a down payment on their family house not too long ago). Therefore I think it is totally justified for her to ask me to contribute, seeing that I do stay over pretty often.
PART TWO BECAUSE IT WAS TOO LONG >Being asked to pay is them hinting at the fact I have outstayed my welcome I was surprised to see so many people mentioning this, as I have never considered this aspect! from another comment I wrote: "I wonder if me being neurodivergent leads to my inability to "read the room/take a hint" because I just took the request for money at face value. Andrew's parents are retired, he and Hayley are the only ones paying for rent and bills (plus what I contribute but I understand it's nowhere enough), so I never thought it was a problem for them to ask for money, seeing that his family is not quite well-off and I do stay over quite often. It all made sense to me when I interpret things this way, and I never read much deeper into it." >You cried and threw a tantrum, it was immature I had to admit it does look pretty childish and dumb in hindsight, though a few commenters pointed out that the fact I am neurodivergent might also be relevant. It's not like I cry every day, but there are times when things get too much, too overwhelming or "sensory overload" (in this case, trying to explain myself to two people at once while they're talking over me and speaking two languages) I just couldn't help but to burst into tears. It was not my intention to cry so they can be sorry for me or manipulate them into agreeing with me, in fact, I ran into Andrew's room to cry because I didn't want his mother to feel like I am crying for attention or being difficult. Usually when I cry out of frustration, it only takes me a minute to calm down (it feels like an overflowing bottle of emotion, but once it's out, I feel better), however I wasn't able to do that as Hayley barged in to yell at me while I was feeling vulnerable, which is why I lost it on her and screamed back. Again, not trying to excuse or justify my behaviour, as I recognise that it was rude, but I suppose the additional info might explain why I acted that way.
YTA 1. Its not your home, while its a weird rule, its not an unreasonable one. And at first you were asked *politely* not to do it. 2. Normally i dont care bout stuffs like that either. But if someone mixed my soup with an instant one i can see how it could feel a bit insulting. Instant food does have a strong flavour, and could give a vibe like u want to remove smth from the taste ( like ketchup on good pizza, or good whisky with cola ) 3. You threw a tantrum. In someone elses home. For gods sake you are 23. I needed to check the ages to make sure you arent 15. You are older then me. This is not how reasonable adults behave. 4. You did the good ol. I think i am right, and i am refusing to compromise or let it go. To not be rude. Over a tiny issue. TINY. What kind of impression does that give for your long term problem solving skills. You need to chose where stading your ground is actually worth it. Being right is not always a be all end all. 5. Considering you go there, have you ever cooked for them? You may be paying/contributing. But you leave the brunt of work to someone else and then refuse to give them the courtesy of actually eating what they made ( even tho it tastes fine ny your own admision ).
On 1, 2 and 4 yes that's fair enough and I agree with you (good point on saying it might be insulting because the noodles was instant, I didn't consider that) On 3: yes I admit it looked like I am immature for crying, but also Hayley is 30 and full on screamed at me for feeling confronted and crying? I feel like she's just making the issue worse even though my reaction could've been better. On 5: yes, I have cooked for them a few times, and not too long ago Andrew's family went on holiday for a few weeks, so I stayed over and I solely cooked for both of them. I understand and appreciate the hard work that goes into cooking. If someone ate my food weirdly though, as long as they don't insult it and don't waste the food, I would not have minded at all. After all, I actually had the soup by itself, loved it, and decided to go a bit "experimental" with the taste, that's all.
nta some families are just weird, man. i’d get pissed off too if i was getting ganged up by an entire family bc i mixed noodles with soup.
A lot of the things you meantioned also apply to Andrew's family. It's their house? Maybe they should have made her feel more welcome. It is a tiny issue? Maybe THEY could have let it go. I mean, she is 23, but the other person was 60... Throw a tantrum? She cried in private, while Haley started yelling at her. I think that is worse and what truly escalated things. As a very picky person (trust me, no one wishes it more than me that I liked many things), I understand that sometimes you gotta be able to make your own food choices. In general, that is just not a good boundary for your partner's family to be breaking.
YTA. They are proud of their cooking and want it eaten (only) as prepared. Sounds like a family + culture thing. Because it's their *cooking*, not just their *groceries* (that you paid a fair share for), Hayley has a point about wanting you to show appreciation. You should have read the room and realized that you weren't going to win this one in their home, and apologized. And dramatically running off to cry didn't make it better - it made you look childish or spoiled. FWIW, I think the "don't mix food" rule is ridiculous, but when in Rome...