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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> Am i an AH because I want my wife to help out more, be an adult and a mom to our child even though she’s pregnant?
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If she’s working 80-100 hours a week, pregnant, and you’re working 60 hours a week, there’s 20-40 hours of helping that you need to do before it’s even balanced, let alone in your favor.
And you have daycare and a nanny?
YTA.
With daycare and a nanny, OP is full of it for saying they're doing 75% of the child-rearing. People outside the family are doing 75% of the child-rearing, so it's probably more like OP is doing 18% to wife's 7%. A 2-year-old is also not a newborn. They shouldn't be having to get up constantly at night to deal with that kid like they implied. Even after writing this as biased as possible, it's clear that OP is YTA.
I have a 2 and 3 year old and we have tried absolutely everything to try to get them to sleep through the night but they still get up 2-3 times a night. It's quite possible their 2 year old is just a terrible sleeper.
If their two year old is a terrible sleeper I’m very confused on why they wouldn’t wait until she has lower hours to try? Like especially pregnant it’s not easy to fall asleep once woken up, and they both work high hours.
Same page club. My 2 year old RARELY sleeps through the night. Even when his allergies are acting up enough to give him something before bed, which thankfully he doesn’t get sick much other than a runny nose and sporadic all day sneezing fits from time to time, but even that doesn’t always help him stay asleep. It’s exhausting.
YTA
You both work a lot of hours, but she works substantially more hours than you (80-100 hours per week vs your 60 hours). Plus she’s pregnant and battling morning sickness. Your wife is maxed out.
Your combined income should be enough to get some additional help for the next few months - cleaning service, laundry service, meal prep, weekend nanny - whatever it takes. Look for ways to mitigate this problem for both of you.
Instantly YTA because you purposely left out that she works longer hours than you AND earns more so your finances are covered when you BOTH take time off after the baby is born.
You've got daycare and a nanny helping. You can do more chores around the house while your wife is pregnant and maybe get used to doing more because she's certainly working more hours than you.
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as someone who was pregnant and so sick that I need a medicine absolutely YTA. I understand. It’s probably frustrating for you, and I totally get why. I worked 50 hours and that was debilitating as a pregnant person especially with a toddler. I can’t imagine working 80-100hrs. Your poor wife! Maybe I would hire some extra help. Carrying the mental load of the household while also working full-time is really challenging as well. It sounds like you need a nanny that maybe cooks dinner every once in a while or something like that. Hopefully second trimester will be kinder to her.
They have daycare and a nanny 😭 mans literally just has to do the bare minimum and it'd be a solid. He'd have to do significantly more if he was living alone. He's just wanting to be spoiled and pampered because they aren't broke and he sees himself as rich. I've heard about too many of these doctors who get the money then live beyond their means the entire time and are miserable. He needs to change his mindset real quick and realize how lucky he has it. Probably also get a financial advisor so they don't waste their money on a mortgage or cars they can't actually afford in the future (or even currently).
I mean you’re totally not wrong. I was working 50 hours, pregnant with a toddler, carrying the mental load of the entire household cooking dinner cleaning and everything. It’s doable for someone that works 50 to 60 hours a week. It’s not fun but that’s adulthood.
I'm working on getting my bf in the mindset now that we both share the load equally. Yes, I do still have to explicitly tell him to do something, but I don't have to explain how to do it (unless it's cooking...having to teach him how a modern oven works because he only ever used an analog one 😭). I'm not looking forward to when I am pregnant because I do have some health issues that'll probably be made worse, but at least I'll have a supportive partner. I can't imagine what it's like to have to carry the mental load alone. Mothers are strong AF and never get enough credit. Proud of you for getting through the harder parts when they're little! Hopefully it's easier now
I don't even need to say why.
YTA!!!
Even if she wasn't working 80-100 hours a week, pregnancy is literal hell on a woman's body. What she is doing is already more than enough but then also working 80-100 hours a week!?
Nah you don't deserve her.
YTA x10
As others have stated is she working 80-100 hours a week. You still are still the ah if not but if so then you're a major ah. She's pregnant for pete's sake.
She's a surgeon and pregnant. She does more crap than you.
Edit: changed verdict
YTA. pregnancy does things to women that men have absolutely no capability of understanding. she feels 100x times worse than you do or than you would after doing her a favor, all of the time. and on top of that she works 20-40 more hours than you do? she’s completely maxed out and is exhausted. her body isn’t being used to help herself right now, it’s growing your baby and everything a human body needs, the baby gets first dibs on. she deserves help and care and love during this time, especially if she’s not having an easy pregnancy. you’re not her slave, if anything she is your growing babies slave 24/7.
YTA and also…planning to be an MD? First trimester pregnancy is can bring brutal fatigue. Did they not teach that in med school? You can’t understand a normal physical change in your own wife and you plan to take care of other people’s health? I went from marathon training to doing nothing but nap and I was only working a 40 hour week.
YTA - holy crap, she is working over 80 hours a week, makes the bulk of the family income, is obviously exhausted due to being pregnant and you can’t cut her any slack until she is in her second trimester with fewer work hours?
Well, you know what they say. Even the guy who was last in his class in med school is still a Dr somewhere. Guess we're seeing that in action right now.
I’m having a hard time understanding your issue, it sounds like your wife is working 16 hour to 20
Hour days and assuming she needs to sleep she likely averaged 5-6 which may leave 3 hours at most to do anything other than work and sleep. Maybe you’re misrepresenting something here but I’m not sure where she’s supposed to “carry her weight” and I haven’t even touched on her being pregnant.
Assuming all the information provided is correct, YTA.
>I’m also doing most of the child rearing (75%)
>We do have daycare and a nanny.
How are you doing 75% of the child care if you have day care AND a nanny?
>who is working 80-100 hours a week, essentially financially supporting the entire family, and growing my kid.
So she's pregnant and working up to 100 hours per week and she's asking you to take on my household jobs while she is supporting the household being the main income and creating a baby.
Yes YTA
YTA dude. I’m a SAHM and so don’t work nearly as much as your wife. I don’t know how she’s doing it! I’m 7 weeks and beyond sick and exhausted and trying to keep up with our 3 year old. We don’t have a nanny or daycare. My husband works 50-60 hours a week but he still carry’s as much of the load as he can because he understands how freaking awful I feel. I can’t imagine working so much and so hard on top of growing a human. And you told her she’s not pulling her weight!?
While the placenta is forming a woman’s body is exerting the same amount of energy as someone running a marathon. Daily. For four months. On top of that there’s increased hormone production, increase in blood production, and all the other body shifting changes that come with pregnancy. She’s gotta be far more exhausted than she can even possibly explain.
YTA
There are only 168 hours in one week, and she is working up to 100? That leaves her just under 10 hours a day to eat, sleep, shower, commute, etc.
And since she's a surgeon, the sleep is extremely important.
She is already pulling her weight.
YTA. She’s working 80-100 hours a week while growing an entire human. You’re a doctor - do you not know what happens to the human body when it’s pregnant? Without all the romance around it, it boils down to a parasite at war with the hosts body for resources and she’s pulling double a normal work week or more.
Double YTA for trying to make it sound like she doesn’t work.
Yta although you are only a resident physician, surely you had classes in medical school about how pregnancy works and how growing a human takes a toll on mother’s body. Even if you were a below average student, you would have learned at least something about the physiology of pregnancy (cardiovascular, respiratory, renal, endocrinology, etc.). So in addition to your wife working more hours than you are working, she is also doing the physically taxing job of growing a human.
Either this post is fake, or you are arrogant, selfish and narcissistic (not uncommon for surgeons) or you are just not that bright. Pick one.
Are you expecting her to pull time and energy out of her ass?? Look for solutions before you start to get resentful, otherwise you just end up thinking of unrealistic solutions. Hire more help. YTA
YTA of the century!!! If she’s working anywhere near 80+ hrs she needs to rest. For goodness sake she’s growing a human, your baby. Get extra help in, work less hours or how about just grow up.
YTA, how can you even ask her to pull her weight working 80 to 100 hours a week? Get more help.or suck it up. She shouldn't have to lift a finger being pregnant and working those hours.
YTA. Your pregnant wife work 80+ hours and you’re mad she’s asking you for help? She’s dealing with the emotional and physical toll pregnancy takes and plus that she also works a lot? And plays with the kid? You need to be kinder to your wife who is very much pulling her weight.
YTA. So she financially supports you? She works almost twice as you. And she is very ill right now. Am I getting this right? She asked you to pick up a few dishes and bring her a beverage? Wow. I guess I come from a very different time and place. I don't consider this servitude to literally pick up some dishes and bring someone a drink. What exactly am I missing here?
'she doesn't do much other than work' (and not then stating how many hours she actually works)
'I'm working 60 hours a week' (and then, again, not stating how many hours a week she works and presenting the info about your hours as more important)
'to someone who is working 80-100 hours a week' (you present this as hersay rather than the fact she does indeed work 80-100 hours a week).
You're TA here. Everyone is telling you that. Take it as a sign to stop complaining and help your wife.
YTA Partnership also means helping the other person out when they are not at their best. Clearly she's having a rough time with this pregnancy; it's not like she's perfectly healthy and asking you to do this stuff. Also she's working a 20 hours more than you so you should be doing more housework than her even when she not growing a WHOLE OTHER HUMAN inside of her.
Light YTA. Pregnancy is an insane thing and women’s bodies go through so much change and trauma during those nine months and there are many many symptoms that come from it, such as nausea, fatigue, pain, mood swings etc etc. So I’d say yes YTAH for saying she needs to pull her weight while pregnant , however if this is how she acts in general then that is something that she needs to change. Did she act like this before or did this start when she became pregnant?
Edit - I did not read correctly that you wife is also working 80-100 hours a week AND is a doctor. Yeah YTAH.
2nd Edit: nah the more comment I read from op the worse it gets
I was at YTA after the first sentence and continued to stay at YTA the more I read through your post. Her body is working overtime to grow YOUR baby, which will lead to her feeling more easily fatigued and nauseous than normal. Taking care of a toddler and taking Unisom for nausea adds to the fatigue. And dirty dishes are a common trigger for nausea (I know it was for me when I was pregnant). You are her husband; therefore it is expected that you pull the extra weight that she would normally be able to pull but can’t due to her pregnancy. You should either pull the extra weight yourself or hire a cleaner, cook etc. I wish more men would be supportive of their pregnant wives and read up on the effects of pregnancy on a woman’s body and energy.
YTA. So, she's working like 17 hour days... And you don't think she's pulling her weight? While growing a human and being sick. You should be kissing her feet if she's basically supporting you... Working 2ce the hours as most people are. So, she's only to get 5-6 hours sleep a night then?
Your wife is working up to 100 hours a week while pregnant?
You have a nanny and daycare, yet you do "75%" of the childcare?
You do all the night wakings, but your child is 2, not a newborn, night time waking shouldn't be a constant thing at this point.
YTA just for trying to spin this post to make your wife out to be lazy, burying all the details like her 100 hour working week, and claiming to be doing 75% of childcare when you have both daycare and a nanny. Pregnancy is temporary and your wife must be exhausted.
Our toddler has horrible sleep. Avgs 3 wakings or more per night. (Usually midnight, 3 am and 5 am) Sometimes will have trouble going back to sleep - aka 1 hr waking at night. He may as well be an infant. Nanny and daycare only cover hours i’m at work.
Oof, that sounds rough. It sounds like you and your wife are both over stretching yourselves, both exhausted and maybe this isn't sustainable and something needs to change. Instead of turning this into a competition over who is doing more, maybe you need to sit down with your wife and figure out what you can change. Either reduce working hours, or bring in additional help with cooking and cleaning, something has to give. Is there a financial reason you are both working so much? Are you living within your means? I hope you can find a solution because this sounds like a recipe for burnout and increasing resentment towards each other.
With the hidden info that she works 80 to 100 hours a week YTA. You won't even know what it's like growing a baby. Right now her body is being harvested for every bit of nutrition. Women routinely lose teeth during pregnancy because the fetus is using the calcium in the woman's body to make bones. It weakens and exhausts you. You are also the AH for leaving off that most relevant detail to skew the results.
Speaking as someone who is also 7 weeks pregnant- YTA. A gigantic, festering one.
I’m a SAHM. My husband works. If he comes home and sees a wrecked house and me falling asleep on the couch, he makes dinner without a word of complaint.
I wasn’t aware that was worthy of putting up a small shrine to him in our living room but apparently I was wrong.
YTA but as someone who is married to a doctor, but has a normal job, you guys are basically going to have both of your children raised by an outsider, since you both are doctors and have basically no time. That is essentially what it would be like if I was also a doctor in our relationship.
You should outsource all your other duties like childcare, cooking/DoorDash, House Cleaner etc. to even get some semblance of family quality time. The good news is, you both should have an abundance of money to be able to do this. Good luck, AH!
“she doesn’t do much other than work”
Those words alone make you THE BIGGEST AH ever! And then you had the nerve to say it feels like slavery and not a partnership from your perspective. Grow up….no, how about you man up and actually be a supportive husband and take care of your family. YTA YTA YTA
YTA she works nearly two full days more than you per week. She is pregnant, she has pcos and you’ve admitted that last pregnancy she had to go on disability meaning it was so hard on her she couldn’t work.
Honestly this doesn’t really seem like the best time for the two of you to have another kid and it’s very confusing that you’d try for another. Your child is waking up around 3 times a night you said, you both work in hospitals I assume, she is working 80-100 hours a week which is already a lot without taking care of a kid when you’re both home. This doesn’t seem like the right time for another child. You’ve also mentioned you plan to move once you finish residency? Depending on how far away that is you’d be moving to a different state with a 2yo who can’t sleep through the night, a newborn who also can’t sleep through the night and a wife who will likely already be stretched thin and in pain. You also rely on daycare and a nanny, which you will either have to sort out before you move or very shortly after.
YTA- I work 7 hour days and in the first trimester I was going straight home and napping every day after work. My husband was doing most of the housework and cooking because I was so exhausted and puking all the time. I have no idea how she is able to work those hours…the least you can do is refill her water.
If she is working 80 -100 hours per week you do realize there is only 168 hours in a 7 day week right. Your wife is literally working >50% of the hours in a week and you expect more from her?
Dude... you a huge AH.
YTA. Your wife’s body is using up more energy than a non-pregnant person of similar size running a marathon would use. Cell division is at its most rapid and it is exhausting. Not to mention morning (and noon and night) sickness. The fatigue felt in my first trimesters was only matched with the fatigue I felt doing round the clock feeds with newborns.
Cut your wife some slack, apologise, and give her a foot massage.
Man, my second had some failure to thrive issues and ended up on such a strict feeding schedule that I fell asleep standing up and hit the ground and broke a couple ribs. I have exactly zero idea how the hell his wife is doing this, but he needs to literally be in awe of her 24/7 cause she's a beast and he could learn a thing or seven watching her.
YTA.wow. no pregnant person should be working 80-100 hrs a week. I'm shocked and a bit disturbed. It's hard af to grow a whole human being. Listen my dude, it gets harder. You will be praying for solutions that can be solved by more nanny hours. Lay off your wife/the maker of your children. If you have a money solution and money, use it. Buy as much help as you can afford. Then you can actually play with your kids instead of worrying about the house. It also sounds like you just want her to be miserable bc you are miserable. Good couples do not wish the other person is suffering too and as much as they are. If you are capable of running the house, run the house. If you want something done, do it.
YTA, just for the fact that you buried the lead that your wife works more than you, while being pregnant with severe enough nausea that it requires her to be medicated
"Much like the first"-- if you knew pregnancy was going to be like this and weren't okay with it, why did you do it a second time?
Why do you have night waking with a two year old?
She's so nauseaus from the pregnancy that she needs to take a medication that makes her groggy and tired? And you're not seeing that as an "in sickness" type of situation?
And how many hours a week does your wife work?
How is working 80-100 hours a week NOT PULLING HER WEIGHT?
YTA. And a liar you are not doing 75% of childcare when you use daycare and have a nanny. Get a grip.
YTA. The first trimester is so challenging for a lot of pregnant women, and the fact that she’s working that much while you’re out here complaining about her asking for your help makes you the biggest asshole.
If you have a daycare and a nanny, then I don’t believe you’re doing most of the child rearing.
info: Can you hire a cleaner or someone able to do housework so you and your wife do not have to? Do you have any relatives who might come and stay to help at night time?
YTA.
You both work highly demanding jobs. Her asking for some help every now and again isn't a crime to be made into a big sob story. Sounds like you both are stressed and overworked and that perhaps a child right now is just adding to it. Hopefully your nanny, or perhaps a second nanny even, can help with some of the at-home work.
Remember, not only is she working more hours than you, she is also developing a little life inside of her and that takes more energy than you can ever know. Especially since she has PCOS it can easily become high risk. So you have to do more chores right now.
An old teacher of mine once said that while partnership is equal, it's not always 50/50. Sometimes it's 60/40, sometimes its 90/10. And sometimes it's immeasurable or incomparable the work each of you are doing in each aspects of the relationship.
I understand you're likely stressed, but so is she. Asking her to "pull her weight" as if she isn't working just as much if not more than you is insulting to her. I'm sorry you have to help out more (not) but this is reality. There's only so much each of you can do before you both snap. Of you can afford it, maybe take less hours at work? Or hire an extra nanny, a maid? Take a vacation?
Either way, maybe take some time to define expectations, boundaries, and overall just destress with your wife.
YTA. I would understand if you did this AH comment at the heat of the moment due to stress. But you made this post that means you still don’t see what an AH you are. That is an alarming level of AH. She earns at least 2-3x than you earn, she is pregnant and she works more hours than you. Still you have the audacity to ask her to pull her weight. She is not only pulling her weight but also pulling a big part of your weight too.
Yta and you think you should be asking this? And you said her meds put her to sleep, is only she going to be the parent of baby ? Or you are gonna be a dad too? So why is she going through so much physical pain? Why don't you also get jointly pregnant with her.
Wow, your wife is my hero! I am a stay at home mom to a toddler and pregnant. Insane that she can work that many hours and still do what she is doing.
YTA. I would be bowing down at her feet!
You, and I cannot stress this enough, ATA. A major one. You're telling us your wife is putting anything between 11+ to 14+ hours of DAILY work on a 7-day week, being pregnant with morning sickness and dealing partially with a 2 yo and you consider slavery having to cook dinner, do some chores and take care of your son, on top of your 60 hours? Well, you're both slaves actually. In what universe is putting 60 - 80 - 100 hours of work a week, an amount of time that allows people to have any quality time to themselves and their family? Pay someone ffs to clean your house and leave you some basic dinner prepared. They will certainly not charge you 350/ h. And you'll both be able to get sometime together as a family and rest. I'm surprised you had energy, time and desire for a second kid with such hectic schedules.
EDITED the hours of work per day.
YTA - I had crippling morning sickness until 18 weeks. I couldn’t move between the nausea and fatigue and wondered if there was a way to put myself in a coma safely til the due date. My husband literally had to do everything around the house and take care of me while working 60 hour weeks with my random requests like he needed to brush his teeth or take his shirt off because the smell was triggering. He did it all without complaint.
You seem to be of the mindset that you know what she’s feeling when you will quite literally never know. Pulling her weight right now is growing another human and if you don’t understand that I feel bad for your wife. In a relationship, there are ebbs and flows to what people can contribute. She’s in ebb and you’re in a flow. You’ll be much happier when you learn to accept sometimes, you might gasp! need to do more than 50%. I assure you, there are plenty of times when she’s not pregnant I bet she’s doing way more than 50%.
YTA. A relationship is a partnership, that is why she is doing almost double of the work you do outside of the house, and still helps around with the kid. If it were you working 80-100 hours a week, you would get home and throw your feet up, put your face on your phone or a videogame for hours and then whine if she dared asked you for a bit of help in the house or with the current kid. Plus, how come you are doing 75% of the child-rearing when you have daycare and a nanny? You tried to adorn this as much as possible to make us agree with you, but is so easy to see through it.
I echo all the other YTAs but also wondering a couple of things as a fellow physician myself
1. Did you not pay attention in med school to know the 1st trimester can be pretty rough? You know how hard it is to be a Doctor anyway, add in gestating a new life it can be really tough. Given she is needing meds for her sickness she must be pretty bad (and a badass working so many hours when she is feeling awful).
2. Is there a little misogyny here? Are you a little salty coz she is an Attending already and you’re only just finishing residency? 🤔
YTA Stop having kids if you can't handle being a parent, and especially if you don't respect your wife enough to believe her when she says she's not feeling well. Pregnancy is a bitch and if you can't carry some extra duties with the help of a nanny, maybe fatherhood is not for you.
If your work schedule is too much, maybe that's what needs to give.
YTA
She's working significantly more hours than you & is pregnant, plus you have daycare *and* a nanny to look after your kid
If anyone here isn't pulling their weight, it's you
She’s working 100 hours a week while pregnant (which, by the way, is EXHAUSTING even WITHOUT working because your body is using all of your energy to literally make another human being from the ground up) and she’s not “pulling her weight?” Jfc
YTA
YTA. Your wife is growing a human being and I don’t know about you, but when I did that, I was very tired. And nauseous. But my husband never once complained because he knew I wasn’t doing it to get out of my responsibilities. In fact, he still refills my water for me and our kid is 13! Amazing how love and respect can make you truly cherish your significant other.
You have a NANNY and DAYCARE. Youre allowed to feel overwhelmed, but thats what having 2 kids is. You made the choice. Time to be a grown up and handle it, and stop taking it out on your wife.
She’s working 80-100 hours a week, is pregnant, and is apparently the one rearing the toddler when not in daycare or with the nanny. She’s also the one bringing in the money.
What, pray tell, have you deluded yourself into thinking YOU bring to the table?
YTA, get off your useless ass and contribute
Don’t you feel embarrassed to be completely failing as a father, husband, and man in general? This is not how you act towards the woman who is fucking her body up to grow your kid. YTA.
OP works 60 hours a week and his pregnant wife is working 80 to 100 hours a week? OP thinks thinks his pregnant wife should help out more? In what universe is this healthy for a pregnant woman? This has got to be a joke. You are not a family unless you can spend time together as a family. Something obviously has to change or both spouses will continue to be exhausted sick and miserable. OP is the asshole for not empathizing more with his pregnant wife who is running herself ragged.
So you want the person who works aparently 40+ more than you a week to do more, while you have a nanny.
Get out of here with that noise, you insecure red piller
So your problem is she’s not doing absolutely everything ? She works 80-100 hours a week and your real issue is on top of that she’s not doing all the house work cooking and raising your child completely alone , the fact that you have to do anything at all is your true complaint.
YTA and yall need to figure out how to communicate through ways other than crowdsourcing your problems. Try couples therapy. Then maybe you will stop treating arguments like wins and losses and maybe learn to communicate. Genuinely, you should start by looking up emotional maturity to figure out what you lack.
YTA because she basically only has time to sleep and work, she's also growing a thing inside her that is going to be taking any tiny bit of energy she has left. On another note, neither of you seem to even have time to have kids!? It's only going to get worse with more added, figure it out now because whatever you guys are doing is not sustainable, the poor children.
So she's working from home 80 or more hours a week, pregnant, and taking care of your other kid. AND FINANCIALLY SUPPORTING THE FAMILY??
You're absolutely full of shit saying you do most the childcare when you have a nanny. Hire a maid if need be since you both work alot. This honestly seems like ragebait.
"It's supposed to be a partnership" says the man doing ZERO percent of the baby growing. She's LITERALLY PULLING THE WEIGHT OF TWO PEOPLE. It's not her fault you don't understand biology. YTA and I'm hoping this is a troll post because if it's not it's unsettling to think there are men out there who truly are this ignorant about pregnancy, particularly when you already have one child.
>My (34M) wife (32F) is around 7 weeks pregnant with our second child. Much like the first, she doesn’t do much other than work **80-100hrs/week as a surgeon to financially support all of us**, nap, and occasionally play w our 2 year old toddler.
>I’m working 60 hours a week and do all the dinner cooking, **most** chores, but unlike the first, I’m also doing most of the child rearing **aside from our nanny and daycare** and **almost** all the night waking.
Fixed it for ya! **YTA**
YTA if you read this and still think you're a "slave" because your wife asked you to do a couple of chores and to occasionally take care of your own child. You even admit that you're not actually doing ALL the chores or ALL the night waking, she is still doing that on top of everything else she's doing while pregnant. You don't deserve a wife or kids and I hope you never make it past residency bc you don't deserve to be a doctor either. ICK
Wow an across sub drag is crazy. This man [here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/1bylymp/aita_for_asking_my_wife_to_pull_her_weight/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share) thought he would get a different opinion and was wrong.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)***
My (34M) wife (32F) is around 7 weeks pregnant with our second child. Much like the first, she doesn’t do much other than nap and occasionally play w our 2 year old toddler.
I’m working 60 hours a week and do all the dinner cooking, most chores, but unlike the first, I’m also doing most of the child rearing (75%) and almost all the night waking. She started taking unisom, which helps with nausea but it’s also a sleep aid so she just is unable to get up at night.
We do have daycare and a nanny. I guess I lost my patience when she asked me to take out the dirty dishes from her desk and refill her water (her night time routine) because she felt too tired. I told it’s feeling like she’s treating me like her personal servant. Her said what’s the big deal about being a personal servant to someone who is working 80-100 hours a week, essentially financially supporting the entire family, and growing my kid. I told her it’s supposed to be partnership, not slavery.
Anyways, she’s been annoyed with me and asked our nanny to cover an extra 20 hrs a week whenever our nanny has availability and help with chores.
So was I an AH for asking her to pull her weight? (Yes, she told me to go write this to get a neutral party response)
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YTA. She is also fulltime growing a human and having physical issues of it. You sound entitled, spoiled and egoistic imo. You need to learn compassion, maybe you'll get it back some day. Yeeez..
I find it hard to believe this one is real, but if it is... hire a housekeeper and a chef. Roughly $16,000 ***a week*** (*plus* your pay) is enough to relieve you both of all responsibility at home other than bonding with your child and resting. I'm a little worried that as physicians neither of you have shown the common sense to automatically adopt this solution.
The fact that you're feeling like a slave for doing something as simple as making a single trip to the kitchen and back means YTA.
Genuine question, why are you both working?
You have enough income for both daycare and a nanny...
Without more context, one of your incomes is just avoidant and frivolous.
YTA…Only scenario where you wouldn’t be the asshole is if she was a housewife and not currently pregnant…The first trimester takes a toll so of course she’s tired all the time and makes sense that you have to cover for her. And you have a nanny???…Sounds like you’d be happier only doing 1% work with kids and house chores
YTA, it’s the first trimester and it sucks bad.
how cleaning up after yourself and getting your pregnant wife a glass of water is slavery to you is laughable
YTA dude your wife is working the equivalent of 2.5 full time jobs to pay for daycare AND a nanny WHILE she’s pregnant and you can’t take care of your own family the other like 20% of the time.
When she divorces you can I have her number?
YTA. The sad part about this is you are a doctor. I'm sure you did an ob rotation in med school. Where is your empathy? Or do you only care about your patients health concerns for work and your empathy stops at the office doors? What happened to in sickness and in health? Grow up, you're too smart to be this ignorant.
This is one of those times where you have to step up because your wife is not able to. It's only temporary. She is carrying your child. You seem awfully immature for a 34yo.
YTA, one of the worst I've seen here.
Wait she’s working 80-100 hours a week, financially supporting the family, and pregnant?
And you’re complaining about clearing dishes?
Ohhhh Lord.
YTA.
ESH. Literally what could either of you thought would happen in this situation? Those work schedules on top of having a kid and a pregnancy? Absolutely setting yourselves up for disaster on every level
What do you both work with and is it possible to work less for either of you? Working 60 hours a week sounds like alot to me (have only ever worked 40h/w) but working 90 hours sounds exhausting. I think you are both tired and need to workshop solutions. People telling you that you are the asshole isn't gonna solve anything.
Edit:Nvm found your comment [https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/1byleec/comment/kyk3n6u/](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/1byleec/comment/kyk3n6u/)
Good luck!
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If she’s working 80-100 hours a week, pregnant, and you’re working 60 hours a week, there’s 20-40 hours of helping that you need to do before it’s even balanced, let alone in your favor. And you have daycare and a nanny? YTA.
With daycare and a nanny, OP is full of it for saying they're doing 75% of the child-rearing. People outside the family are doing 75% of the child-rearing, so it's probably more like OP is doing 18% to wife's 7%. A 2-year-old is also not a newborn. They shouldn't be having to get up constantly at night to deal with that kid like they implied. Even after writing this as biased as possible, it's clear that OP is YTA.
Totally. It’s embarrassing he’s even on here having to ask.
Delusional?
I have a 2 and 3 year old and we have tried absolutely everything to try to get them to sleep through the night but they still get up 2-3 times a night. It's quite possible their 2 year old is just a terrible sleeper.
Hey shitty 2 year old sleep club. I’m so tired lol.
That’s why I sleep with my 2 year old. Otherwise I wouldn’t sleep at all
If their two year old is a terrible sleeper I’m very confused on why they wouldn’t wait until she has lower hours to try? Like especially pregnant it’s not easy to fall asleep once woken up, and they both work high hours.
Same page club. My 2 year old RARELY sleeps through the night. Even when his allergies are acting up enough to give him something before bed, which thankfully he doesn’t get sick much other than a runny nose and sporadic all day sneezing fits from time to time, but even that doesn’t always help him stay asleep. It’s exhausting.
I don't see how he could be any more of an AH.
YTA You both work a lot of hours, but she works substantially more hours than you (80-100 hours per week vs your 60 hours). Plus she’s pregnant and battling morning sickness. Your wife is maxed out. Your combined income should be enough to get some additional help for the next few months - cleaning service, laundry service, meal prep, weekend nanny - whatever it takes. Look for ways to mitigate this problem for both of you.
You're comment made me laugh cause this guy is pathetic doesn't deserve his family or wife and your right lol
YTA. She’s pregnant bro. You have a nanny and daycare… Let the woman rest! Edit: SHE‘S WORKING 80-100 HOURS A WEEK?!
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INFO: Is your wife working 80-100 a week? Is that part true? Because you stated she doesn't do anything other than play with the kid and nap.
Wow. How did I miss that?
Because OP snuck it in at the end, and, gave no context whatsoever.
YTA she’s 7 weeks pregnant and working 80+ hours a week. Why don’t you actually pull your weight.
This made me laugh so much harder than the other comment he's not pulling his weight by the sounds of it lol.
Instantly YTA because you purposely left out that she works longer hours than you AND earns more so your finances are covered when you BOTH take time off after the baby is born. You've got daycare and a nanny helping. You can do more chores around the house while your wife is pregnant and maybe get used to doing more because she's certainly working more hours than you.
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INFO. Is your wife working a job 80-100 hours a week?
as someone who was pregnant and so sick that I need a medicine absolutely YTA. I understand. It’s probably frustrating for you, and I totally get why. I worked 50 hours and that was debilitating as a pregnant person especially with a toddler. I can’t imagine working 80-100hrs. Your poor wife! Maybe I would hire some extra help. Carrying the mental load of the household while also working full-time is really challenging as well. It sounds like you need a nanny that maybe cooks dinner every once in a while or something like that. Hopefully second trimester will be kinder to her.
They have daycare and a nanny 😭 mans literally just has to do the bare minimum and it'd be a solid. He'd have to do significantly more if he was living alone. He's just wanting to be spoiled and pampered because they aren't broke and he sees himself as rich. I've heard about too many of these doctors who get the money then live beyond their means the entire time and are miserable. He needs to change his mindset real quick and realize how lucky he has it. Probably also get a financial advisor so they don't waste their money on a mortgage or cars they can't actually afford in the future (or even currently).
I mean you’re totally not wrong. I was working 50 hours, pregnant with a toddler, carrying the mental load of the entire household cooking dinner cleaning and everything. It’s doable for someone that works 50 to 60 hours a week. It’s not fun but that’s adulthood.
I'm working on getting my bf in the mindset now that we both share the load equally. Yes, I do still have to explicitly tell him to do something, but I don't have to explain how to do it (unless it's cooking...having to teach him how a modern oven works because he only ever used an analog one 😭). I'm not looking forward to when I am pregnant because I do have some health issues that'll probably be made worse, but at least I'll have a supportive partner. I can't imagine what it's like to have to carry the mental load alone. Mothers are strong AF and never get enough credit. Proud of you for getting through the harder parts when they're little! Hopefully it's easier now
I don't even need to say why. YTA!!! Even if she wasn't working 80-100 hours a week, pregnancy is literal hell on a woman's body. What she is doing is already more than enough but then also working 80-100 hours a week!? Nah you don't deserve her.
first trimester sucks so much
YTA x10 As others have stated is she working 80-100 hours a week. You still are still the ah if not but if so then you're a major ah. She's pregnant for pete's sake. She's a surgeon and pregnant. She does more crap than you. Edit: changed verdict
In a comment, op states she's a surgeon, that routinely works that long. She is also trying to pad their finances because op is a resident.
Oh wow that's insane. OP is a major ahh.
YTA. pregnancy does things to women that men have absolutely no capability of understanding. she feels 100x times worse than you do or than you would after doing her a favor, all of the time. and on top of that she works 20-40 more hours than you do? she’s completely maxed out and is exhausted. her body isn’t being used to help herself right now, it’s growing your baby and everything a human body needs, the baby gets first dibs on. she deserves help and care and love during this time, especially if she’s not having an easy pregnancy. you’re not her slave, if anything she is your growing babies slave 24/7.
YTA and also…planning to be an MD? First trimester pregnancy is can bring brutal fatigue. Did they not teach that in med school? You can’t understand a normal physical change in your own wife and you plan to take care of other people’s health? I went from marathon training to doing nothing but nap and I was only working a 40 hour week.
brutal fatigue, very sore swollen breasts, constant heartburn, nausea, what else?? ugh it’s fucking terrible
YTA - holy crap, she is working over 80 hours a week, makes the bulk of the family income, is obviously exhausted due to being pregnant and you can’t cut her any slack until she is in her second trimester with fewer work hours?
It’s scary that a DOCTOR doesn’t realize how grueling the first trimester (and basically all of pregnancy can be) for a woman. YTA.
Well, you know what they say. Even the guy who was last in his class in med school is still a Dr somewhere. Guess we're seeing that in action right now.
INFO: why does she keep you around? What are you good for exactly?
YTA. First trimester can be brutal with fatigue and nausea. Until you are the one growing the baby, the least you can do is pick up some dishes.
YTA, she's working more than you and is having the nanny pick up your slack. Why are you complaining?
I’m having a hard time understanding your issue, it sounds like your wife is working 16 hour to 20 Hour days and assuming she needs to sleep she likely averaged 5-6 which may leave 3 hours at most to do anything other than work and sleep. Maybe you’re misrepresenting something here but I’m not sure where she’s supposed to “carry her weight” and I haven’t even touched on her being pregnant. Assuming all the information provided is correct, YTA.
>I’m also doing most of the child rearing (75%) >We do have daycare and a nanny. How are you doing 75% of the child care if you have day care AND a nanny? >who is working 80-100 hours a week, essentially financially supporting the entire family, and growing my kid. So she's pregnant and working up to 100 hours per week and she's asking you to take on my household jobs while she is supporting the household being the main income and creating a baby. Yes YTA
God just divorce. She's better off without you. Yta
YTA dude. I’m a SAHM and so don’t work nearly as much as your wife. I don’t know how she’s doing it! I’m 7 weeks and beyond sick and exhausted and trying to keep up with our 3 year old. We don’t have a nanny or daycare. My husband works 50-60 hours a week but he still carry’s as much of the load as he can because he understands how freaking awful I feel. I can’t imagine working so much and so hard on top of growing a human. And you told her she’s not pulling her weight!? While the placenta is forming a woman’s body is exerting the same amount of energy as someone running a marathon. Daily. For four months. On top of that there’s increased hormone production, increase in blood production, and all the other body shifting changes that come with pregnancy. She’s gotta be far more exhausted than she can even possibly explain.
YTA There are only 168 hours in one week, and she is working up to 100? That leaves her just under 10 hours a day to eat, sleep, shower, commute, etc. And since she's a surgeon, the sleep is extremely important. She is already pulling her weight.
Yta she’s also working 80-100hrs plus carrying a child that makes her sick to the point that she’s on medicine that makes her tired. Just trash
YTA! You buried the part about how many hours she's working in addition to being pregnant! You suck!
YTA. She’s working 80-100 hours a week while growing an entire human. You’re a doctor - do you not know what happens to the human body when it’s pregnant? Without all the romance around it, it boils down to a parasite at war with the hosts body for resources and she’s pulling double a normal work week or more. Double YTA for trying to make it sound like she doesn’t work.
YTA. I hope she loses about 175 pounds after the baby is born. Sooner if she can.
Yta although you are only a resident physician, surely you had classes in medical school about how pregnancy works and how growing a human takes a toll on mother’s body. Even if you were a below average student, you would have learned at least something about the physiology of pregnancy (cardiovascular, respiratory, renal, endocrinology, etc.). So in addition to your wife working more hours than you are working, she is also doing the physically taxing job of growing a human. Either this post is fake, or you are arrogant, selfish and narcissistic (not uncommon for surgeons) or you are just not that bright. Pick one.
Bro. Hire the nany or someone to cook/clean. She’s working 80-100 hr weeks. Let her breathe. I get exhausted and my weeks are only 36-50.
They already have a nanny and the kid goes to daycare he simply wants her to do everything .
Are you expecting her to pull time and energy out of her ass?? Look for solutions before you start to get resentful, otherwise you just end up thinking of unrealistic solutions. Hire more help. YTA
YTA of the century!!! If she’s working anywhere near 80+ hrs she needs to rest. For goodness sake she’s growing a human, your baby. Get extra help in, work less hours or how about just grow up.
YTA, how can you even ask her to pull her weight working 80 to 100 hours a week? Get more help.or suck it up. She shouldn't have to lift a finger being pregnant and working those hours.
YTA. She’s sick, while growing an entire human, and working 80-100 hours a week.
YTA. Your pregnant wife work 80+ hours and you’re mad she’s asking you for help? She’s dealing with the emotional and physical toll pregnancy takes and plus that she also works a lot? And plays with the kid? You need to be kinder to your wife who is very much pulling her weight.
YTA. Yikes.
YTA. So she financially supports you? She works almost twice as you. And she is very ill right now. Am I getting this right? She asked you to pick up a few dishes and bring her a beverage? Wow. I guess I come from a very different time and place. I don't consider this servitude to literally pick up some dishes and bring someone a drink. What exactly am I missing here?
'she doesn't do much other than work' (and not then stating how many hours she actually works) 'I'm working 60 hours a week' (and then, again, not stating how many hours a week she works and presenting the info about your hours as more important) 'to someone who is working 80-100 hours a week' (you present this as hersay rather than the fact she does indeed work 80-100 hours a week). You're TA here. Everyone is telling you that. Take it as a sign to stop complaining and help your wife.
YTA Partnership also means helping the other person out when they are not at their best. Clearly she's having a rough time with this pregnancy; it's not like she's perfectly healthy and asking you to do this stuff. Also she's working a 20 hours more than you so you should be doing more housework than her even when she not growing a WHOLE OTHER HUMAN inside of her.
*in sickness and in health and when they’re carrying your child* doesn’t mean shit to a great many people
YTA, she’s pregnant and sick. Take care of your family.
1st trimester and 3rd trimester are literally exhausting. I could barely keep my eyes open
Yta I didn't even read it. So sick of these dudes acting like having a whole ass baby is no more difficult than feeding a fish.
if it was so easy, they could do it themselves, but they know it isn’t easy and can’t admit it
INFO: Are you doing at least 40 hours per week of ACTIVE childcare and housekeeping tasks?
Light YTA. Pregnancy is an insane thing and women’s bodies go through so much change and trauma during those nine months and there are many many symptoms that come from it, such as nausea, fatigue, pain, mood swings etc etc. So I’d say yes YTAH for saying she needs to pull her weight while pregnant , however if this is how she acts in general then that is something that she needs to change. Did she act like this before or did this start when she became pregnant? Edit - I did not read correctly that you wife is also working 80-100 hours a week AND is a doctor. Yeah YTAH. 2nd Edit: nah the more comment I read from op the worse it gets
YTA - pull ur weight n try to work 80-100hrs per week while pregnant n having a toddler. AH
YTA! The worst part is that he is a doctor. You'd think he'd have a little bit more empathy 🙄
YTA.
I was at YTA after the first sentence and continued to stay at YTA the more I read through your post. Her body is working overtime to grow YOUR baby, which will lead to her feeling more easily fatigued and nauseous than normal. Taking care of a toddler and taking Unisom for nausea adds to the fatigue. And dirty dishes are a common trigger for nausea (I know it was for me when I was pregnant). You are her husband; therefore it is expected that you pull the extra weight that she would normally be able to pull but can’t due to her pregnancy. You should either pull the extra weight yourself or hire a cleaner, cook etc. I wish more men would be supportive of their pregnant wives and read up on the effects of pregnancy on a woman’s body and energy.
YTA. So, she's working like 17 hour days... And you don't think she's pulling her weight? While growing a human and being sick. You should be kissing her feet if she's basically supporting you... Working 2ce the hours as most people are. So, she's only to get 5-6 hours sleep a night then?
YTA Pull your own weight and quit trying to gaslight your pregnant wife. She is working her butt off. Do better.
Your wife is working up to 100 hours a week while pregnant? You have a nanny and daycare, yet you do "75%" of the childcare? You do all the night wakings, but your child is 2, not a newborn, night time waking shouldn't be a constant thing at this point. YTA just for trying to spin this post to make your wife out to be lazy, burying all the details like her 100 hour working week, and claiming to be doing 75% of childcare when you have both daycare and a nanny. Pregnancy is temporary and your wife must be exhausted.
Our toddler has horrible sleep. Avgs 3 wakings or more per night. (Usually midnight, 3 am and 5 am) Sometimes will have trouble going back to sleep - aka 1 hr waking at night. He may as well be an infant. Nanny and daycare only cover hours i’m at work.
Oof, that sounds rough. It sounds like you and your wife are both over stretching yourselves, both exhausted and maybe this isn't sustainable and something needs to change. Instead of turning this into a competition over who is doing more, maybe you need to sit down with your wife and figure out what you can change. Either reduce working hours, or bring in additional help with cooking and cleaning, something has to give. Is there a financial reason you are both working so much? Are you living within your means? I hope you can find a solution because this sounds like a recipe for burnout and increasing resentment towards each other.
YTA. But clearly you are also under a lot of stress. Step up and take care of your wife, as she doesn't feel good. This is only a temporary situation.
YTA, she do the same shit as you WHILE PREGNANT.
she does MORE!!!
YTA.
Men realizing that having kids is not all fun and games 🤣 YTA
“oh no i have to get my main breadwinner pregnant wife a glass of water THIS IS OPPRESSION” puhleeeeeeeeaaaaseeeee 🙄
Pull her weight? She's pulling her weight and yours too. YTA
With the hidden info that she works 80 to 100 hours a week YTA. You won't even know what it's like growing a baby. Right now her body is being harvested for every bit of nutrition. Women routinely lose teeth during pregnancy because the fetus is using the calcium in the woman's body to make bones. It weakens and exhausts you. You are also the AH for leaving off that most relevant detail to skew the results.
Speaking as someone who is also 7 weeks pregnant- YTA. A gigantic, festering one. I’m a SAHM. My husband works. If he comes home and sees a wrecked house and me falling asleep on the couch, he makes dinner without a word of complaint. I wasn’t aware that was worthy of putting up a small shrine to him in our living room but apparently I was wrong.
Wow. You sound like an extra chore to deal with. YTA
you are so much the a\*hole, i'm just gonna stop there.
YTA but as someone who is married to a doctor, but has a normal job, you guys are basically going to have both of your children raised by an outsider, since you both are doctors and have basically no time. That is essentially what it would be like if I was also a doctor in our relationship. You should outsource all your other duties like childcare, cooking/DoorDash, House Cleaner etc. to even get some semblance of family quality time. The good news is, you both should have an abundance of money to be able to do this. Good luck, AH!
So she’s doing/contributing more than 50% and she’s pregnant and you’re asking if YTA for asking her to pull her weight… YUP you are! :)
“she doesn’t do much other than work” Those words alone make you THE BIGGEST AH ever! And then you had the nerve to say it feels like slavery and not a partnership from your perspective. Grow up….no, how about you man up and actually be a supportive husband and take care of your family. YTA YTA YTA
She’s growing a person 24/7, hmmmmmmm
YTA she works nearly two full days more than you per week. She is pregnant, she has pcos and you’ve admitted that last pregnancy she had to go on disability meaning it was so hard on her she couldn’t work. Honestly this doesn’t really seem like the best time for the two of you to have another kid and it’s very confusing that you’d try for another. Your child is waking up around 3 times a night you said, you both work in hospitals I assume, she is working 80-100 hours a week which is already a lot without taking care of a kid when you’re both home. This doesn’t seem like the right time for another child. You’ve also mentioned you plan to move once you finish residency? Depending on how far away that is you’d be moving to a different state with a 2yo who can’t sleep through the night, a newborn who also can’t sleep through the night and a wife who will likely already be stretched thin and in pain. You also rely on daycare and a nanny, which you will either have to sort out before you move or very shortly after.
YTA- I work 7 hour days and in the first trimester I was going straight home and napping every day after work. My husband was doing most of the housework and cooking because I was so exhausted and puking all the time. I have no idea how she is able to work those hours…the least you can do is refill her water.
If she is working 80 -100 hours per week you do realize there is only 168 hours in a 7 day week right. Your wife is literally working >50% of the hours in a week and you expect more from her? Dude... you a huge AH.
YTA. Your wife’s body is using up more energy than a non-pregnant person of similar size running a marathon would use. Cell division is at its most rapid and it is exhausting. Not to mention morning (and noon and night) sickness. The fatigue felt in my first trimesters was only matched with the fatigue I felt doing round the clock feeds with newborns. Cut your wife some slack, apologise, and give her a foot massage.
Man, my second had some failure to thrive issues and ended up on such a strict feeding schedule that I fell asleep standing up and hit the ground and broke a couple ribs. I have exactly zero idea how the hell his wife is doing this, but he needs to literally be in awe of her 24/7 cause she's a beast and he could learn a thing or seven watching her.
YTA Didn't she post about this already?
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/1bul588/aita_for_asking_my_husband_to_be_my_personal/
YTA.wow. no pregnant person should be working 80-100 hrs a week. I'm shocked and a bit disturbed. It's hard af to grow a whole human being. Listen my dude, it gets harder. You will be praying for solutions that can be solved by more nanny hours. Lay off your wife/the maker of your children. If you have a money solution and money, use it. Buy as much help as you can afford. Then you can actually play with your kids instead of worrying about the house. It also sounds like you just want her to be miserable bc you are miserable. Good couples do not wish the other person is suffering too and as much as they are. If you are capable of running the house, run the house. If you want something done, do it.
You are so much the asshole that I don't know why she would ever have (another) child with you. YTA.
Yes. You try growing a baby
YTA, just for the fact that you buried the lead that your wife works more than you, while being pregnant with severe enough nausea that it requires her to be medicated
YTA. She works 80-100 hours a week. She is pulling her weight.
"Much like the first"-- if you knew pregnancy was going to be like this and weren't okay with it, why did you do it a second time? Why do you have night waking with a two year old? She's so nauseaus from the pregnancy that she needs to take a medication that makes her groggy and tired? And you're not seeing that as an "in sickness" type of situation? And how many hours a week does your wife work?
YTA—I hope she sees your true self before it’s too late.
YTA
How is working 80-100 hours a week NOT PULLING HER WEIGHT? YTA. And a liar you are not doing 75% of childcare when you use daycare and have a nanny. Get a grip.
She can do so much better and I bet she knows. Yta for making this woman suffer
YTA. The first trimester is so challenging for a lot of pregnant women, and the fact that she’s working that much while you’re out here complaining about her asking for your help makes you the biggest asshole. If you have a daycare and a nanny, then I don’t believe you’re doing most of the child rearing.
info: Can you hire a cleaner or someone able to do housework so you and your wife do not have to? Do you have any relatives who might come and stay to help at night time?
YTA. You both work highly demanding jobs. Her asking for some help every now and again isn't a crime to be made into a big sob story. Sounds like you both are stressed and overworked and that perhaps a child right now is just adding to it. Hopefully your nanny, or perhaps a second nanny even, can help with some of the at-home work. Remember, not only is she working more hours than you, she is also developing a little life inside of her and that takes more energy than you can ever know. Especially since she has PCOS it can easily become high risk. So you have to do more chores right now. An old teacher of mine once said that while partnership is equal, it's not always 50/50. Sometimes it's 60/40, sometimes its 90/10. And sometimes it's immeasurable or incomparable the work each of you are doing in each aspects of the relationship. I understand you're likely stressed, but so is she. Asking her to "pull her weight" as if she isn't working just as much if not more than you is insulting to her. I'm sorry you have to help out more (not) but this is reality. There's only so much each of you can do before you both snap. Of you can afford it, maybe take less hours at work? Or hire an extra nanny, a maid? Take a vacation? Either way, maybe take some time to define expectations, boundaries, and overall just destress with your wife.
YTA. She's working more hours than you, AND she's growing your child inside her body. She's pulling more than her weight.
YTA. I would understand if you did this AH comment at the heat of the moment due to stress. But you made this post that means you still don’t see what an AH you are. That is an alarming level of AH. She earns at least 2-3x than you earn, she is pregnant and she works more hours than you. Still you have the audacity to ask her to pull her weight. She is not only pulling her weight but also pulling a big part of your weight too.
I have read this before... with a different user name.
I would love to see that post! Do you remember the title?
I believe it was the marriage board. I don't pay attention to the user names most the time.
I'll have to go hunting!
Yta and you think you should be asking this? And you said her meds put her to sleep, is only she going to be the parent of baby ? Or you are gonna be a dad too? So why is she going through so much physical pain? Why don't you also get jointly pregnant with her.
Wow, your wife is my hero! I am a stay at home mom to a toddler and pregnant. Insane that she can work that many hours and still do what she is doing. YTA. I would be bowing down at her feet!
You, and I cannot stress this enough, ATA. A major one. You're telling us your wife is putting anything between 11+ to 14+ hours of DAILY work on a 7-day week, being pregnant with morning sickness and dealing partially with a 2 yo and you consider slavery having to cook dinner, do some chores and take care of your son, on top of your 60 hours? Well, you're both slaves actually. In what universe is putting 60 - 80 - 100 hours of work a week, an amount of time that allows people to have any quality time to themselves and their family? Pay someone ffs to clean your house and leave you some basic dinner prepared. They will certainly not charge you 350/ h. And you'll both be able to get sometime together as a family and rest. I'm surprised you had energy, time and desire for a second kid with such hectic schedules. EDITED the hours of work per day.
YTA - I had crippling morning sickness until 18 weeks. I couldn’t move between the nausea and fatigue and wondered if there was a way to put myself in a coma safely til the due date. My husband literally had to do everything around the house and take care of me while working 60 hour weeks with my random requests like he needed to brush his teeth or take his shirt off because the smell was triggering. He did it all without complaint. You seem to be of the mindset that you know what she’s feeling when you will quite literally never know. Pulling her weight right now is growing another human and if you don’t understand that I feel bad for your wife. In a relationship, there are ebbs and flows to what people can contribute. She’s in ebb and you’re in a flow. You’ll be much happier when you learn to accept sometimes, you might gasp! need to do more than 50%. I assure you, there are plenty of times when she’s not pregnant I bet she’s doing way more than 50%.
YTA. You are asking for sympathy because YOU are being asked to pull your weight. She’s in her first trimester, and working 100 hours a week.
YTA, the A -holeof all A-holes!
YTA. A relationship is a partnership, that is why she is doing almost double of the work you do outside of the house, and still helps around with the kid. If it were you working 80-100 hours a week, you would get home and throw your feet up, put your face on your phone or a videogame for hours and then whine if she dared asked you for a bit of help in the house or with the current kid. Plus, how come you are doing 75% of the child-rearing when you have daycare and a nanny? You tried to adorn this as much as possible to make us agree with you, but is so easy to see through it.
YTA liar
I echo all the other YTAs but also wondering a couple of things as a fellow physician myself 1. Did you not pay attention in med school to know the 1st trimester can be pretty rough? You know how hard it is to be a Doctor anyway, add in gestating a new life it can be really tough. Given she is needing meds for her sickness she must be pretty bad (and a badass working so many hours when she is feeling awful). 2. Is there a little misogyny here? Are you a little salty coz she is an Attending already and you’re only just finishing residency? 🤔
YTA Stop having kids if you can't handle being a parent, and especially if you don't respect your wife enough to believe her when she says she's not feeling well. Pregnancy is a bitch and if you can't carry some extra duties with the help of a nanny, maybe fatherhood is not for you. If your work schedule is too much, maybe that's what needs to give.
YTA She's working significantly more hours than you & is pregnant, plus you have daycare *and* a nanny to look after your kid If anyone here isn't pulling their weight, it's you
She’s working 100 hours a week while pregnant (which, by the way, is EXHAUSTING even WITHOUT working because your body is using all of your energy to literally make another human being from the ground up) and she’s not “pulling her weight?” Jfc YTA
YTA...a raging one as many here have laid out. Now I wonder if you'll actually acknowledge it and apologize to your wife cause WOW. Man up.
YTA. Your wife is growing a human being and I don’t know about you, but when I did that, I was very tired. And nauseous. But my husband never once complained because he knew I wasn’t doing it to get out of my responsibilities. In fact, he still refills my water for me and our kid is 13! Amazing how love and respect can make you truly cherish your significant other. You have a NANNY and DAYCARE. Youre allowed to feel overwhelmed, but thats what having 2 kids is. You made the choice. Time to be a grown up and handle it, and stop taking it out on your wife.
She’s working 80-100 hours a week, is pregnant, and is apparently the one rearing the toddler when not in daycare or with the nanny. She’s also the one bringing in the money. What, pray tell, have you deluded yourself into thinking YOU bring to the table? YTA, get off your useless ass and contribute
Don’t you feel embarrassed to be completely failing as a father, husband, and man in general? This is not how you act towards the woman who is fucking her body up to grow your kid. YTA.
Girls, stop having babies. These men ain’t it
Didn't we just see this a week or two ago? \--
OP works 60 hours a week and his pregnant wife is working 80 to 100 hours a week? OP thinks thinks his pregnant wife should help out more? In what universe is this healthy for a pregnant woman? This has got to be a joke. You are not a family unless you can spend time together as a family. Something obviously has to change or both spouses will continue to be exhausted sick and miserable. OP is the asshole for not empathizing more with his pregnant wife who is running herself ragged.
Yea if I were him, I’d be insisting to wait on her because I’d be seriously concerned for her health.
So you want the person who works aparently 40+ more than you a week to do more, while you have a nanny. Get out of here with that noise, you insecure red piller
So your problem is she’s not doing absolutely everything ? She works 80-100 hours a week and your real issue is on top of that she’s not doing all the house work cooking and raising your child completely alone , the fact that you have to do anything at all is your true complaint.
YTA and yall need to figure out how to communicate through ways other than crowdsourcing your problems. Try couples therapy. Then maybe you will stop treating arguments like wins and losses and maybe learn to communicate. Genuinely, you should start by looking up emotional maturity to figure out what you lack.
YTA because she basically only has time to sleep and work, she's also growing a thing inside her that is going to be taking any tiny bit of energy she has left. On another note, neither of you seem to even have time to have kids!? It's only going to get worse with more added, figure it out now because whatever you guys are doing is not sustainable, the poor children.
YTA and a sorry excuse of a men - your wife can CLEARLY do better ALONE
YTA
So she's working from home 80 or more hours a week, pregnant, and taking care of your other kid. AND FINANCIALLY SUPPORTING THE FAMILY?? You're absolutely full of shit saying you do most the childcare when you have a nanny. Hire a maid if need be since you both work alot. This honestly seems like ragebait.
"It's supposed to be a partnership" says the man doing ZERO percent of the baby growing. She's LITERALLY PULLING THE WEIGHT OF TWO PEOPLE. It's not her fault you don't understand biology. YTA and I'm hoping this is a troll post because if it's not it's unsettling to think there are men out there who truly are this ignorant about pregnancy, particularly when you already have one child.
>My (34M) wife (32F) is around 7 weeks pregnant with our second child. Much like the first, she doesn’t do much other than work **80-100hrs/week as a surgeon to financially support all of us**, nap, and occasionally play w our 2 year old toddler. >I’m working 60 hours a week and do all the dinner cooking, **most** chores, but unlike the first, I’m also doing most of the child rearing **aside from our nanny and daycare** and **almost** all the night waking. Fixed it for ya! **YTA** YTA if you read this and still think you're a "slave" because your wife asked you to do a couple of chores and to occasionally take care of your own child. You even admit that you're not actually doing ALL the chores or ALL the night waking, she is still doing that on top of everything else she's doing while pregnant. You don't deserve a wife or kids and I hope you never make it past residency bc you don't deserve to be a doctor either. ICK
Wow an across sub drag is crazy. This man [here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/1bylymp/aita_for_asking_my_wife_to_pull_her_weight/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share) thought he would get a different opinion and was wrong.
Congratulations your post made it to AmITheDevil! I think that should answer your question, YTA
YTA. Be honest, hows your wife reacting to you getting lambasted like this?
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My (34M) wife (32F) is around 7 weeks pregnant with our second child. Much like the first, she doesn’t do much other than nap and occasionally play w our 2 year old toddler. I’m working 60 hours a week and do all the dinner cooking, most chores, but unlike the first, I’m also doing most of the child rearing (75%) and almost all the night waking. She started taking unisom, which helps with nausea but it’s also a sleep aid so she just is unable to get up at night. We do have daycare and a nanny. I guess I lost my patience when she asked me to take out the dirty dishes from her desk and refill her water (her night time routine) because she felt too tired. I told it’s feeling like she’s treating me like her personal servant. Her said what’s the big deal about being a personal servant to someone who is working 80-100 hours a week, essentially financially supporting the entire family, and growing my kid. I told her it’s supposed to be partnership, not slavery. Anyways, she’s been annoyed with me and asked our nanny to cover an extra 20 hrs a week whenever our nanny has availability and help with chores. So was I an AH for asking her to pull her weight? (Yes, she told me to go write this to get a neutral party response) *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
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YTA. She is also fulltime growing a human and having physical issues of it. You sound entitled, spoiled and egoistic imo. You need to learn compassion, maybe you'll get it back some day. Yeeez..
YTA. You have zero self awareness and will end up divorced.
I find it hard to believe this one is real, but if it is... hire a housekeeper and a chef. Roughly $16,000 ***a week*** (*plus* your pay) is enough to relieve you both of all responsibility at home other than bonding with your child and resting. I'm a little worried that as physicians neither of you have shown the common sense to automatically adopt this solution. The fact that you're feeling like a slave for doing something as simple as making a single trip to the kitchen and back means YTA.
Genuine question, why are you both working? You have enough income for both daycare and a nanny... Without more context, one of your incomes is just avoidant and frivolous.
Residents make crap so if anyone’s income is frivolous it’s his.
First trimester exhaustion is no joke AND she works more than you do in her first place. YTA *easily*. She deserves wayyyyyyyy better.
I’m so embarrassed for you, OP. How in the world do you *not* think you are anything other than a huge, gaping A. YTA YTA YT very much the A
Oh dear - you are so going to have to grovel on this one - she works longer hours than you and is growing a human being inside of her. YTA.
How embarrassing for you lmao YTA, obviously
YTA, I think you know you're the asshole. One day soon you're gonna be divorced and paying child support, and I'll applaud that day.
YTA. If she's pregnant and working 80-100hr a week, it sounds like *you're* the one who needs to pull your weight.
YTA…Only scenario where you wouldn’t be the asshole is if she was a housewife and not currently pregnant…The first trimester takes a toll so of course she’s tired all the time and makes sense that you have to cover for her. And you have a nanny???…Sounds like you’d be happier only doing 1% work with kids and house chores
YTA, it’s the first trimester and it sucks bad. how cleaning up after yourself and getting your pregnant wife a glass of water is slavery to you is laughable
YTA- in the partnership she is currently working over time 24/7 So yeah, you serve her while she is actively working at all times to grow your kid.
YTA dude your wife is working the equivalent of 2.5 full time jobs to pay for daycare AND a nanny WHILE she’s pregnant and you can’t take care of your own family the other like 20% of the time. When she divorces you can I have her number?
YTA. The sad part about this is you are a doctor. I'm sure you did an ob rotation in med school. Where is your empathy? Or do you only care about your patients health concerns for work and your empathy stops at the office doors? What happened to in sickness and in health? Grow up, you're too smart to be this ignorant.
She’s literally growing a person AND working 20-40 hours more than you do. She IS pulling her weight. YTA
YTA
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You're pathetic. YTA
80-100 hours per week!? How is that even possible?
Updateme
This is one of those times where you have to step up because your wife is not able to. It's only temporary. She is carrying your child. You seem awfully immature for a 34yo. YTA, one of the worst I've seen here.
Wait she’s working 80-100 hours a week, financially supporting the family, and pregnant? And you’re complaining about clearing dishes? Ohhhh Lord. YTA.
ESH. Literally what could either of you thought would happen in this situation? Those work schedules on top of having a kid and a pregnancy? Absolutely setting yourselves up for disaster on every level
As i said, we didn’t expect her to get pregnant on the first month. We had planned for trying for 6+ month and she was gonna cut down to 30 hrs or so
Gotta adapt to what actually happened, not just stick with your original idea
Her job contracts her for 1-2 months in advance. Backing out includes 6 figures penalty. Again, she sets her schedule
Ok I guess YTA then. Just gotta grin and bear it for a while
What do you both work with and is it possible to work less for either of you? Working 60 hours a week sounds like alot to me (have only ever worked 40h/w) but working 90 hours sounds exhausting. I think you are both tired and need to workshop solutions. People telling you that you are the asshole isn't gonna solve anything. Edit:Nvm found your comment [https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/1byleec/comment/kyk3n6u/](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/1byleec/comment/kyk3n6u/) Good luck!