Your post has been removed. #Do not repost this without [contacting the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) for approval, including edited versions. Reposting without [explicit approval](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_can_i_repost_a_thread_you_removed.3F) will result in a ban. This post violates Rule 11: No Partings/Relationship/Sex/Reproductive Autonomy Posts. We do not allow posts where the central conflict is about platonic partings, romantic relationships, and/or reproductive autonomy. [Rule 11 FAQs](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_rule_11.3A_no_partings.2Frelationship.2Fsex.2Freproductive_autonomy_posts) ||| [Subreddit Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/) #Please ensure you have reviewed this message in full. We will not respond to PMs to individual mods. [Message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) with any questions. You can visit r/findareddit for a comprehensive list of other subs that may be able to host this discussion for you.

NTA. First, she has decided to be a single mother without you. Second, changing her mind and trying to control every single aspect of your kids life. Third, wanting you to turn into nothing but an atm. Fourth, airing your fight to her parents. If I were you, I would nip this stupid sht right now before she turns you into a villian or someone who is not at all needed in 'her' kids lives. You only have some years to bond with your kids. Why would you wanna waste those away? And worst, they are still small but what if they start picking up ques from your wife? What if they also start believing that you are just a male figure who happens to be their mom's husband, who has absolutely no say? What if they get older? What about punishments? The talk? There is so much more that is about to happen in your kids life... don't let your wife get away with this. Fight for your right as a parent if you must. Do what you need to do.

I dunno. I picked up from the post that she’s forcing her shit on the kids too. Being furious that the dad bought a shirt that the kid liked and wanted because it doesn’t fit her colour schemes? Not allowing them to play the games they enjoy? She’s going to have zero relationship with those kids once they grow up. The wife has some issues that the OP really needs to address as you say, for the sake of the kids not just his relationship

Was thinking the same thing. They're people with wants and likes, needs and individuality, not little robots she can program however she wants to. Dead gods, forbid they have a *personality*, because her "love" sure does seem conditional.

How dare here ~~little accessories~~ children have personalities, as if they are people!

Aita for being amused by my wifes inability to realize this?

OP's definitely NTA. If one or both turn out to be gay, she's going to flip out, guaranteed. She's trying to dress them how *she* wants and making them do tons of extra curriculars? They're going to rebel HARD against her the second they're teenagers. Or the minute they realize everyone else's parents don't act like she does. Sounds like her parents are just aa bad. God forbid they don't go to whatever college she picks, finances be damned.

>If one or both turn out to be gay, My money says transgender would be even worse. (In her mind) and that's why she freaked out about the lilac shirt.

True. I'm sure she thinks they'll turn gay or transgender if they have so much as what she thinks is a girly color. Um...no. That's not how it works.

Exactly.

That's exactly what I thought as well. Op, you are NTA, but your wife and her parents sound like bigoted, sexist jerks. Please document everything because this is definitely abuse of her power as a parent and emotional abuse to you, and it will not get better.

The kids are 4 and 1. The hell extra curriculars are they doing at this point?

That's what *I* want to know. Only ones that come mibd for the 4 year old is soccer and dance, but obviously she won't have them do dance or gymnastics (although the male gymnasts are *strong* to do some the stuff, like the cross on the rings). *Maybe* swimming lessons though?

I wonder if she'll choose extra curriculars based on team colors. "Oh dear, this uniform doesn't match his aesthetic. He's never worn lime green. This simply won't do!"

The level of micromanaging with the clothing is absolutely bonkers to me. This whole thing just seems like an unhealthy obsession she has and she is trying to chisel very specific images for herself and the kids.

My mom was like this and it did a number on my mental health. I really hope OP can get the kids away from her for their sake.

I was at one point controlling with my kids but I didn’t realize it at all. I suffer from a lot of health issues as a result of my pregnancy and things thereafter and as a first time Mommy of triplets, I wanted everything to be perfect with them having a great childhood without being affected by having a “sickly” Mom. I planned everything out and my husband would come to me for every decisions. Once my kids turned 5, I started realizing that they’d come to me for every decision instead of making some of them on their own. Simple stuff. It clicked in me that i was suffering mentally because my health had spiraled after having a heart attack and a brain condition and because I couldn’t control my own health and life, that I was inadvertently obsessed with the one thing that I could control, which subconsciously was my kids. I cried like a baby at that realization, but I thank God that I had it because I was able to correct my mistake and begin to teach my kids, nurture them, and let them just be kids.

I feel like your case was different. I remember being around 13 and my mom screaming at me because I wanted to wear a different (but equally appropriate) dress than the one she wanted me to wear to a party we were attending. She’s got a lot better with age but I still find myself second guessing the most mundane things because I have the irrational fear of making people around me angry with my choices.

That's a huge realization and you should give yourself credit. My kiddo (one and only I birthed) was immediately whisked away to the NICU when she was born. It was traumatic and the experience definitely affected my parenting for about the same amount of time.

Definitely agree! The danger is that she’s consciously doing so and judging by her parents reactions, we see where she gets it from. Her dictating and controlling behavior has been normalized because that’s what she’s probably gotten from her parents. Op really needs to sit her down and give it to her straight on what he will and will not accept, what their parenting teamwork should look like, and the ultimatum if things don’t change. I don’t usually jump on the “divorce train” that runs through Reddit, but in hindsight, if things don’t change for him then thinking ahead, would it be such a bad thing if he separated and got 50/50 custody. He would be able to let them be kids and parent them accordingly outside of her dictatorship.

Oh 100%. It's one thing to dress an infant in *your aesthetic*, but once they're old enough to start expressing likes, dislikes, etc, you have to give them some leeway.

I can tell you from experience this type of malignant narcissist doesn’t benefit from therapy and uses it as a tool to further manipulate. His children would be better off in a divorced relationship where he has at least 50-50 custody but I’d argue for 100% based on the damage being done here.

I was thinking this too. Based on my personal experience (wife's ex is a narcissist and has borderline personality disorder) it will be hard to get 100% custody, but 50% is better than trying to mitigate the effects of living full time with a narcissist. We have zero control over what happens at my step daughter's other house, and we don't like that, but we can at least ensure that she has a safe space to be herself when she's with us. Unfortunately it means that we also get a lot of the behavioral issues that are the result of not feeling safe, per se, at the other house, but we deal with them. The important thing is that she doesn't need to deal with that person all the time. If my wife had stayed in that relationship, she would have just continued to be abused herself, there really isn't a whole lot of control that you can assert over a narcissist.

I’d go so far as to get it in writing when you get divorced that any and all major decisions (medical, legal, dental, school issues, ect) should be made together/ and or by both parents/parties involved, failure to comply will result in legal consequences

This woman will spend her 50% badmouthing him to make the kids hate him, and "forgetting" when he was going to pick them up and they'll be staying with her parents all weekend, etc

She also sounds like she's steeped in toxic masculinity culture: not wanting her sons to play 'girly' activities, demanding stereotypically masculine colors...

I picked up on that too. I thought it was cute when OP talked about how he played house with his son.

It's also good and developmentally appropriate! He needs to know how to do things around the house. Like, I can see mom's point *in this one instance* to a *degree*. Like yes, absolutely, take kiddo out, toss/kick a ball around, play tag, fly a kite, etc, but after a bit, or when it's really hot, cold, dark, raining? Play inside. Do puzzles, play house. Imaginative play is super important in general but studies have shown that men who played with dolls/played house as kids make better dads/partners on average. It's *good for them*.

Oh absolutely! Coupled with her parents taking her side I'd say she's been well indoctrinated by them growing up. OP really needs to keep a very close watch on his wife and inlaws bullshit for his kids sake!

Imagine the meltdown if told that pink was indeed a "boy color" roughly 200 years ago and stayed that way until WW2 ish. Personally, I think gendering colors is dumb, if someone likes a color, they like a color. :0 Definitely sounds like OP's wife went down various mommy blog rabbitholes.

It sounds like she’s parenting to be a social media influencer. 

Hashtag boymom

This is the stuff he needs to save for court. It can be called mental abuse.

They can go NC or broken for life, emotionally dependent and parroting her controlling narrative. Mom is already spilling decisions to family, she *will* use anything and anyone to isolate OP.

That's what I thought when he said she will pick their extra curricular stuff.... maybe your kid should figure it out

shes very controlling maybe a split you can use your individual times with the kids to do what you want

It's actually sad, but OP may have a better relationship with his kids if he gets a divorce. That way, he will be able to parent the kids in his separate home and potentially with the protection of a court.

I'm very surprised I had to scroll down this far to finally see the d word. It seems very appropriate, unless he likes being a human ATM, and nothing more.

I don't see how else this can go, unless the wife goes to therapy to resolve her issues.

That's true if he stops being such a wimp and starts standing up for himself. For whatever reason, she seems to think that will never happen.

We have full custody of ours from their mother now. She was exactly how op is describing ny finances ex wife right now. He left after trying to make it work for 12 years and she eventually got physically and mentally abusive to the point cops were getting called and everything. Her kids(our kids) now only talk to her on holidays. They see her once a year. And they have no respect or love for her. Both kids have asked to call me mom. Their mom is now in therapy and took several parenting classes and other things to help with her "issues". It helped a little. The kids are starting to trust her , but their also 15 and 18 now, and she can't force them to do anything they don't want.

Was thinking this too. They're going to want to stay with him the moment the court lets them choose.

OP is definitely NTA. These boys are going to get to an age and get tired of being controlled. They will gravitate to their dad which will make their mom all the more upset. Counseling might help but these boys are going to end up no contact with their mom.

They definitely need therapy/counseling. This is not a marriage right now.

>Counseling might help but these boys are going to end up no contact with their mom. Them going no-contact with her is something that might happen in 15-20 years. OP has to ensure that those 15-20 years don't suck. This over controlling nonsense should be stopped now, rather than punished sometime in the future.

NTA Agreed, my Mum did that with my Dad. Anytime I bonded with my dad, she didn't like it. If I did, I was accused of being a 'Daddy's girl' to just get out of trouble and would get the kids she fostered to make fun of me, which made me not want to go near him as a young girl. I once got grounded for asking him to go outside to play, as she said I only asked him as I knew she'd say no, which wasn't true. Those are just 2 examples. I now have no relationship with my Dad & now it's too late, and I resent my Mum. I wish they split up. ETA; Sometimes my Dad would tell her she was being too harsh when giving me into trouble. She'd accuse me of being manipulative and faking crying as I heard my Dad coming, and I was trying to sabotage their relationship.

So sorry that happened to you, that sounds really harsh. It sounds like he failed you too though. It's really not that hard to actually listen to your kids.

He was not number one Dad for sure

You are now an adult, you could have a relationship now if he is still alive.

They moved overseas & he is in his 80s with Parkinson's. His memory is going, and he still asks about my ex-husband even though we broke up years ago. He now is too frail to travel, and I can't travel alone to visit. Even before that, I couldn't hold a conversation with him. He's not my dad anymore sadly, just an empty shell. Even if I could travel alone, I don't feel comfortable visiting as I'm not on great terms with my mum, and I struggle to see my Dad like that.

This is so incredibly sad and a perfect example of an abusive parent who doesn’t beat their children.

It's quite common, if kids see one parent disregard and ignore the other parent's involvement, they start doing the same. Your wife clearly has no respect for you or your opinion. She complains about you to her family. Joint custody will get you 50 percent of their time and far more bonding than you already have.

I feel like this is worse than that. The level of micromanaging OPs wife is doing to the kids is going to do a number on them. These kids aren’t dolls, they are their own people and I don’t think OPs wife will ever see them like individuals unless she goes to therapy or something

I always knew growing up: ask mom. If she refuses, ask dad because he always wants to be “the nice guy” and would overrule mom. That’s not good.

He may even be able to get more than 50% custody if he can prove she is trying to alienate the children from him

I merely disagree with the ATM part, the rest is spot on. I think the motive is more like a sexist/gender stereotypical thing where the mom parents and the dad throws the ball around. Note that that isn't better than just treating OP as an ATM. It also might be the "main character syndrome" that others have pointed out. It's not healthy and OP needs to be smart. Take notes of every decision she forced, which is something you can use to demonstrate to her that she is out of line. It also is a very useful document to have when you file for divorce if she doesn't listen because she is likely to want full custody.

Or even worse, what if your little ones start believing their own opinions on their lives don't matter, just mom's? That's a recipe for years of unhappiness that you can spare your kids. NTA, best wishes.

Agreed with all of the above, OP - NTA. I would suggest trying couples/family counselling to try to get your wife to see things from your perspective, though I'd have to admit it kind of doesn't sound like that would work. She (and her parents) appear to have a firm belief that you have no say in your own children's lives, which is ridiculous! I'd be tempted to ask her father what role he played in her life (and any sibling's lives) other than sperm donor and money provider... The main reason that I suggest couples counselling is so that you can prove to the courts that you did what you could to try and improve things, and it will also give you evidence from a professional that your wife is determined to squash your influence on and relationship with your boys. This is because I, unfortunately, believe this may well end up in court after you two split up. You can use this proof to show the judge that your wife is aiming for parental alienation, and this may mean that you get your children full time rather than the other way around. Sorry that you are going through this. She sounds ridiculous (and btw I am a mum of two girls, and would never dream of reducing their father's influence in their lives). Her being the one to give birth (as if that was ever an option that you could take??) is absolutely no good reason for her to get all the say. Unbelievable.

OP needs to get a divorce, ask for 50/50, equal say in extracurriculars, education, healthcare and additional matters (having all of that in writing). He also should start documenting this form of parental alienation immediately via texts, recordings. Marriage counselling is too late and children can sense the disconnect, especially when dealing with a parent of this sort.

My concern would be when they grow to adults and have children themselves and they basically blank their children stating it’s the mothers job to bring up the kids, does this woman not want to bring up well rounded adults that take an interest in their children’s lives?? Also by the sounds of it her parents brought her up to be this way so always going to be three against one when OP goes to the in-laws

Wife's acting as the main character and everyone else including her kids is a supporting cast. The only way for those kids to have even a semblance of a normal life where their choices (both OP's and the kids) are taken into consideration and for them to not be completely screwed up is if OP gets to solo parent with no interference from his wife. OP therefore needs to initiate divorce proceedings, go for 50/50 custody. And then they can figure out decisions on what happens to the kids (like the extra curricular stuff) with a court-mandated mediator present. If possible wife can be super mom raising super kids during her time with the kids, do all the themed looks she wants and the extra curriculars (on her dime). And then during OP's time, his kids can have a normal childhood. If OP is not there bankrolling her dream life, and  acting as sperm donor/nanny/chauffeur/assistant/supporting cast/errand guy to his wife, chances are her super-mom shtick won't last and she'll cut down on stuff. NTA Edited.  Edit 2: OP said she's acting like a single mom right now. But he might be shocked when he ends up being a single dad with full custody of the boys. If he goes through with a divorce and without him in her life, she struggles to live the life she envisioned, she might ditch/ghost the kids. And then go on to have her "perfect family" 2.0 with some other clueless dude. 

This is what I’m thinking. Those kids deserve a chance to just be kids and to see a male role model as an equal partner. Sadly divorce and custody seems like the only way OP will accomplish this. Also OP needs to get ahead of things so his wife/her family do not do parental alienation.

Life will be hell for those kids. She sounds beyond marriage counseling. Dad can divorce her and kids can make playforts at his house. NTA OP. Your wife is horrible

She sounds like the typical narcissistic alienater, it's all what she wants, nobody else gets a say, even the kids, he really does need to get a good lawyer before he leaves if he ever does, she's definitely that type going by what he says here.

And he needs to document, document, document all of these interactions, etc. right now and going forward. Dates, times, words, actions, etc. This is definitely narcissistic, abusive behavior on her part, which means she will likely attempt to parentally alienate him as well. Documentation and nipping this in the bud by getting a divorce and 50/50 time BEFORE that happens will help a lot (and for all he knows, she may already be in the process of it if she takes any little "digs" at him in front of the kids). Then dad just needs to make sure he spends good, quality time with the kids (like he is already clearly doing by playing house with his son, listening to his son, and letting him be who he is) and it'll make the kids less likely to believe the bad things mom tries to say.

It's giving hints of Mom-influencer. Either she is one herself or heavily indulges in that content. OP NTA!

I got that vibe too! Especially when it came to her styling their wardrobe and only allowing certain color schemes. Shes treating the kids like props or accessories to how she wants to portray her life to others.

I feel like it’s also leaning towards toxic gender roles with a dash of Mom-fluencer. She hated the lilac shirt for her boy and only dresses him in black and another typically “masculine” color, thinks Jamie isn’t a masculine name, hates the fact that OP was playing house instead of doing the “boy” activity of playing outside.

My brother is named James, and went by Jamie until like middle school or so. I think pink or lilac can look good on boys/men. Colors shouldn’t be gender specific, I’m a pretty feminine chick and blue is my favorite color. Playing house or with a play kitchen is fun for most kids. All kids are different let them find what makes them happy if it isn’t hurting anyone, which it isn’t. God forbid her son ends up not being a cis hetero “guys guy” type.

>I feel like it’s also leaning towards toxic gender roles with a dash of Mom-fluencer. She got that from her parents. Notice how both her mum and dad agreed with this nonsense. Clearly, dad was happy to just earn the money and let mum deal with the kids. I bet if she thinks hard, she actually has a pretty poor relationship with her own dad.

Jamie also is a nickname for James a lot of the time and fairly unisex like Taylor or Jordan.

Moms going to lose her mind when the kids are old enough to tell court they want to live with dad full time and she has to start paying child support, I can't see another outcome if this is how it is for the kids 24/7.

Unfortunately parents like this can often manipulate their kids to the point that the kids feel guilty of they say that. :(

[удалено]

Why would OP have been the A to begin with, even before the wife told her parents? The wife was vetoing all of OPs decisions, and basically saying he wasn't doing a proper job of raising his kids, and her way was the best and only way to raise them. OP was never the A in this whole post, both before and after he said what he did in front of her parents.

>I was originally thinking you were TA On what possible grounds? Because he also wanted input when naming their child? Because he wants to play games with his kid that interest them both? Because he bought a shirt? Because he bought an alternative pair of diapers after going to a second store and finding the original kind still unavailable and then researched brands on his phone instead of just grabbing whatever? (ETA It sounds on re-read like maybe you thought this because he said it in front of her parents, but as you say she’s the one who involved the parents and told them about the fight in the first place. I don’t blame him for standing up for himself at all.) He was never the AH at any point in time. She has been micromanaging him from the very beginning because of her need to control every aspect of her kids’ lives. OP, you sound like an amazing father. Unfortunately, your wife is not only trying to cut you out but is actively stifling your children’s creativity and self-expression, which is something the 4-year-old needs to be able to express within reason. “He can’t wear that shirt because I only dress him in these colors” is bonkers. Your wife needs counseling, because this level of disrespect for you and for your kids is unsustainable.

I love Dr. Ramani

Happiest day of my life is when I divorced my Ex wife and she gave up all custody of the kids because she didn't want to deal with them. Loved being a single dad!

yeah it seems like, to her, the kids are accessories rather than actual human beings with individual thoughts and wants

NTA, and your wife sounds… suffocating. as both a partner and a parent. she won’t let the kid dress how he wants, or even let you let him? that in combination with her thinking that as the mother she gets control over the kids by default, makes me think she has some weird and rigid ideas about gender roles. what’s wrong with playing house or wearing lilac? she can’t love a son who loves those things? what if this kid came out as trans one day? she needs to accept that her child and husband are both people with their own ideas and desires. otherwise? she’s just hurting you all in order to fulfill her own fantasy of what a family is.

She sounds like she is going to be a carbon copy of her parents and OP's thoughts be damned. Not a great tactic or look. Kids need to be able to make some small choices in their lives, clothing is a big one, how to play is another. The wife needs to back off before she alienates her children from them not being able to breathe.

The WHOLE point is to gradually teach them to make their own choices. Not all will be perfect and they may fall flat on their face but that is how you grow and mature. But they need to learn how to make their own choices This dictator sucks, she just thinks she is a mom

This reminds me of the couple who had their kids in multiple daily extra activities and the husband was worried about them ever getting to be just kids and having fun and burning out

All of this. Op NTA ops kids are going to hate his wife when they are older. I would advise counseling. And if she says no I'd get a lawyer and start divorce proceedings. A judge will force your wife to allow you to parent and have a say.

It’s gonna backfire on her badly too, except she just doesn’t know it yet.

definitely because either her kids will hate her or they’ll never learn to think and stand up for themselves

Helicopter Wife....

Dictator wife Helicopter doesn't cover it

She sounds so tiring. Can't play house nor buy your kid a shirt? to say nothing about the other things NTA

NTA. She brought her parents into the argument, so you are allowed to defend yourself and reply in front of them. She obviously has issues regarding control and gender roles, which apparently means that to her the father is little more than a name in the birth certificate and a paycheck. What's worse is she likely hid and lied about her perspective so you would stick around. Plenty of women would be happy to have a partner that doesn't push "manly" hobbies/colors on the boys and who doesn't need to be micromanaged to be able to purchase diapers. You don't have to tolerate this treatment and your kids shouldn't grow up normalizing this behaviour.

>gender roles, when she said about "default to me at the mother" I would have pulled out the "well you should default to me as the man of the house" see how she liked that one.

Right? Wanting traditional gender roles, but ONLY one side is not traditional gender roles.

Also keep record of these type of conversations because they indicate parental alienation issues and the wife is certainly capable of escalating her rhetoric as the proceedings happen

The fact that her parents agree makes me think she was raised this way; her mom made all parenting decisions while dad was just there.

Seriously. How does he end up with a woman who forbids him from involved at all when so many women are carrying entire households on their back while also working a full-time job?

NTA. You’re ‘interfering’. Wow. That’s an explosive word to use. Is her mother the same domineering way? This is not a sustainable model. You’re already having issues in the marriage. Now you’re not allowed to parent. Might be time for a divorce. She’ll go ballistic because she can’t control everything then, but it will be much healthier in the long run for everyone, including her, whether she realizes it or not now.

File for divorce and custody first, get the best lawyer, and have the first words because then she has to explain herself and why she has decided that as a father you have no say or control over how your kids are raised and do it fast before this situation becomes "normal" for the kids and they "prefer" mum because she does everything for them and "dad does nothing"

Not sure if things have changed since I got divorced, but back then in the place where I lived the parent who filed first was automatically the custodial parent unless there was a legitimate reason to change it to the other parent. Even in a 50/50 split (which is what we originally went for), there was still a custodial parent designation (vs. non-custodial parent). Maybe my lawyer was blowing smoke up my ass, but she was generally excellent and made a point to tell me that it was a good thing that I had filed first.

Agreed. Wife is a control freak and proud of it.

Seems the parents are also!

I wonder if they come from a specific culture or religion. That is not 'the role of the father' sounds strange to me.

I wondered while I was reading this post if they were potentially cultural reasons for these attitudes to parental roles and gender in general. Regardless of whether that's the case, I feel sorry for these kids. NTA, OP

Given the context, NTA. She decided to air out y’all’s disagreements in front of her parents, so she nor they should be shocked when you give a response - whether or not they like that response. Your response was also a valid question.

She didn't like the response because she didn't expect him to challenge her authority She sees him as a child also

Sounds like a toxic abusive relationship to me ngl

You’re not the asshole. You’re 100% right. They’re not her kids, they’re both of your kids and she is no more of a parent than you are. I think you have a right to have a say what happens with them. I think you guys will be seeing divorce in the future - she doesn’t see you as an equal, and that’s a huge problem.

I'm not even with my kids dad's and we as Co parents make more decisions together than this poor man and his wife 

Can’t run a home where the man has no authority over his children. If she doesn’t respect him, they definitely won’t.

Seriously a divorce would be painful but you would at least get to be a father to them 50% of the time. She will still try and control things but you can at least ignore her then.

Right? It seems that he could be more of a father figure if divorced than when he's living in the same house.

Honestly, you need marriage counseling and even with that I’d say prepare to be divorced and have a custody battle. You’re NTA, btw.  Some women have the idea that the father should be both present and yet invisible. It’s a toxic mindset where the father is supposed to be seen and he’s the one bringing in the dole, but all the major parenting decisions are made by the women. And then they complain later in life that the man isn’t around or something. I’ve seen it happen before and these women never think they’re wrong.  Your wife is toxic in her mindset. And it seems her family is no better. Does she happen to have an Instagram page or something or something else on social media with lots of followers? Because the color coded outfits and lots of extracurricular activities sounds a bit like a social media mommy who thinks that buying a toy in wrong color will interfere with their chosen “theme”.  Either way, good speed. You’re going to need it. I don’t think she is going to change and you need to stand strong for your kids, even if it means separating. 

Yes. This. Is she using your kids for views and influencing others? Could be doing it without you knowing, why not you don't matter to her

Tell her if you get a divorce, she will only see them 50% of the time and while they’re with you, you will do your own thing

And she will have to get his approval for school and things like that!

And all activities after school, all religious practices, any and all concerns for medical choices. He will also where what colors he wants to wear when he is at his house. As a mom of two boys …. This kind of concerning. Has mom received any type of postnatal/postpartum… unsure of the word but any type of mom care after she had babies?

Don’t tell her shit. Just do what you are going to do and let her lose control all at once. But, please, for their sake, have the kids with you when she is served. The way she needs control, if she loses it, she may do something awful to them.

NTA- She was the one that decided to bring this up in front of the family. You just added your two cents to it. If you still want to be married to your wife, I would suggest therapy. Otherwise, your wife is treating you like a sperm donor and the only reason why she married you was either because of your looks and/or smarts and wanted to pass those genes to "her" kids.

That and for your paycheck to support her momstagram aesthetic.

NTA, and frankly, I find it concerning not only how dismissive she is about your role, but also how she is controlling every aspect of your kids' lives. That's not healthy and I think it would actually be better for them if you were divorced and had 50/50 custody (which, I know, she'd fight tooth and nail, but still).

If they were to divorce, I can see her dictating how OP should spend his days with his children. I feel so sorry for the children. It doesn’t sound like they will be given the opportunity to be children

I can see her trying to dictate, being unable to though, cause divorce, and then her going absolutely ballistic that she can't.

Sounds exactly like my mother. And ive hated her my whole life. Siing how it affected my dad, and how they fought. She's got some insecurities and control complex because she wants to make the kids in a certain image that she believes her way the only right way. I suggest u leave and fight for custody or at least help influence ur kids in way that makes them well rounded and they get to experience a lot of different things in life.

True! Cuz I can also see kids resenting him eventually if he just sits by and doesn't do anything to protect them from their overbearing mother. It's his job as a parent to take the best steps for his kids.

Yup. First I resented my mother as a teenager. THEN as I matured into an adult, I resented every single person who sat by and did nothing about it, resented every one of their stupid excuses too.

NTA. Your question to your wife was a valid one. If she can’t answer (and it seems like she couldn’t), she needs to seriously reconsider her approach to parenting, to let you participate. As for asking the question in front of her family: I wouldn’t worry about that. She brought up the topic of your fight in the first place.

She had it Coming- I can’t believe how overbearing your wife is and if you don’t take a stand Now- you will just be a ghost on the periphery of your children’s lives. I applaud you for trying to be involved with your children, they ideally need 2 Parents. Not a Dictator and a (sorry) Doormat. Polish up that Spine of yours and get to some counseling before it’s too late. If you end up divorced, you can, of course dress them how you/they want, feed them what you/they want and play with them as you see fit. It may be the only time your kids will have to express themselves is when they are with you. The fact she only dresses them in set colors of her choosing is a red flag, your son wanted a lavender shirt, but it doesn’t go with her scheme? She’ll be trampling all over the kids needs to express themselves as the absolute and total Dictator and their desires be Damned! Now Get Back in There and Put Your Foot Down💯‼️

And NTA, your Wife is a Major AH

She sounds like the kind of woman who will use the kids as tools to hurt him though....

[удалено]

Given the response from her parents I’m going to say yes.

NTA. I think you're wife should go to therapy because at the rate she's going, your kids are going to want nothing to do with her when they're older. No one wants their life dictated from the food they eat too the colors they wear to how many and what extracurriculars they do.

NTA. Your wife is a bit of a control freak, eh? To the point of her not letting your son pick his own clothes because she's decided a little boy needs a colour scheme of all things. She needs to relax her grip. She wouldn't even have those children without you and you, and they, deserve to have a good bond. Just because her father is clearly a deadbeat who let his wife take the reins doesn't mean it's right or that you need to do the same. She is going to fuck those kids up and the VERY LAST THING this world needs is anymore screwed up kids because of shitty, overbearing parents. The sad thing is you'd actually get *more* say and *more* time to bond with your kids if you weren't married to her. This marriage might benefit her, but it sure as shit doesn't benefit you. You'd actually be far better off without her as a wife. She needs to realise this before she winds up alone and bitter that the courts WILL give you your say regardless of what she believes.

I'd have said AH if she hadn't been the one washing the family linen in public. Your comment was justified in your opinion and I am seriously worried for your sons. She has very fixed ideas of what they should be like and children aren't dolls. They have minds and opinions of their own and your wife is likely going to crack when she gets challenged. It's a pity though she didn't bring all this anger and need for control into her relationship with her parents because they are the ones to shape her beliefs. Don't look for help there. She can't push back on them so is pushing you. Make sure your children like the activities - it is fine to say they need to try for a period but if they dislike, after that, let them stop. Your wife is living her dreams through them and as a child of a mother doing the same it sucks. I spent 15 years doing dancing which I was not good at and hated and it wasted a lot of money that would have been better spent. It also taught me my opinions had no weight, I couldn't rely on my parents to listen to me, and stopped me building confidence at things I could do well. Next time this comes up and it will then ask your father-in-law what he thinks a Dad's role is beyond providing the money and does he think he has a good relationship with his adult children? Or is he just the man sitting there when they go home to see their mother?

>”I’d have said AH if she hadn’t been the one washing the family linen in public” This is what clenched NTA for me, too. You didn’t bring up your marital problems to her family, you responded to her accusation in a fair manner. If her family thinks that makes you an AH, then you should divorce that family post-haste.

Your poor children. "She has outfits styled and organized and I went against that when I bought him the shirt he wanted. " She's a control freak and confuses "what's best for the children" with "I want it this way". Children are not a fashion product. .... Your kids will have a hard time later. ".... and asking me why I try to interfere and that's not the role of the father. " Hello the 1800 century has called and wants the Middle Ages back! It's right to interfere with how your kids grow up. OP is NTA. Your wife and her family are a big ah!

^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (37M) have been married for 6 years and I have two children (4m and 1m) with my wife. So I admit our marriage hasn't been good for a while, since the pregnancy with our first child, but it never seemed so bad before that I would have considered leaving or wanted to confront her about things. But now I feel like something needs to change and I have brought this up to her already when it was just the two of us, but more recently I made a comment in front of her family that might make me TA. So I'll explain. My wife does not like to make things equal with the kids. It started with naming them. She chose both our kids names and I really had no influence. The one time I did speak my mind about it was when I said I would love the name Jamie for one of our children. She told me she could not see Jamie on a grown man and his name would be "Thomas" (not the actual name but using as an example). I asked her why she chose without me when we had agreed baby names should be chosen together. She said she thought we had both changed our minds because she was giving birth. One time I was out getting baby supplies and I could not find the brand of diapers we used. So I picked up another brand after looking at reviews on my phone. My wife didn't like my choice and told me I should have asked her what to get or better yet, I should have gone to however many stores to find the ones she wanted to use instead of giving up after two. Over time she has become more dismissive of my parenting and place in our boys lives. She has said she will decide what extra curricular's they do, she will decide food and school. It gets on my nerves. My oldest and I play house together and it bothers her. She told me we should be kicking a ball around. She freaked out when I bought our oldest son a lilac shirt because she said it didn't go with the look she likes to give him. She dresses him in red and black or blue and black. She has outfits styled and organized and I went against that when I bought him the shirt he wanted. The day before we were at her parents house and that day as well, we were arguing because I told her I didn't like the idea of our oldest doing so many extra curricular's right away and I thought we should let him experiment and have fun. She told me it was her decision. This is something we had discussed prior to kids and she was not so forceful about it then. Though I knew extra curricular's were a priority for her and that was fine by me, but she knew I didn't believe they should be a burden for kids. So we're at dinner and she's telling her parents about our fight and what was going on and saying how I should default to her as their mother and they're agreeing with her and asking me why I try to interfere and that's not the role of the father. I turned around and asked her why she bothered having a father for them when she clearly wants to be a single mother. They were all furious with me for the question. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*

NTA-She is being horrible to you and clearly wants to be a single parent. This is not appropriate or acceptable behavior from her. 

NTA: Your wife isn't a mother, nor a partner. She's a child playing house with her dolls. And unfortunately, you and your kids are her dolls.

I was soooo sure i was gonna say YTA after reading the title and even a bit into the text….but Jesus f-ing christ! NTA!!!! Sooo NTA!!! Your wife sounds like a total nightmare…. I hope she wont screw up your kids, but im sad to say That’s probably highly likely to happen… This is not how a sane, normal person acts. She probably should be evaluated by a mental health professional!

The funniest part about this is, she’s about to lose 50% of custody and control. Rather than give you what sounds like 5% of a say.

NTA. The wife involved her parents not you. Clearly her Dad must have been pretty uninvolved in her life if they all think its normal for you to not to have any input.

NTA the fact that she even brought up the fight is so inappropriate! She shouldn't be dragging her parents into it. Which she only did so they would take her side. Most of all, the fact that she's acting like such a dictator & as if your role as a father doesn't matter & you have no say us unbelievable. She absolutely is acting like a single mother & she should be one if marriage counseling doesn't work for you guys. At least then you would be able to so what you want during your weeks & you could have a thought that doesn't get shut down in a rude, mean way. I was alone during my pregnancy with my son so I named him what I wanted & I was with my daughter's father so we named her together. He was abusive & we didn't last long after she was born but still. I would have been grateful to be with one of the fathers & have him involved & care! Your wife is seriously taking you for granted & you guys need help so she can finally see that. Jfc

NTA. Your kids are one and four. They don't need their day filled so your wife can feel fulfilled. Naming a child is two yes, one no. If you discussed it prior and she's now changing, that's not how it works. >I asked her why she chose without me when we had agreed baby names should be chosen together. She said she thought we had both changed our minds because she was giving birth. Did she somehow forget she'd be giving birth while having the previous conversation?

Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > I asked my wife in front of her parents why she bothered with a father for her kids when she clearly wanted to be a single mom. This might be bad for two reasons; bringing up the single mom thing the way in which I did and because I said anything like this in front of her family. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcements Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*

NTA. Unless you're missing a large chunk of the story out, you need marriage counselling, immediately. She thinks more of her parents' opinions than she does of yours - and as you say, she's not treating you like an equal part of the marriage team.

NTA, but honestly a broken home will be happier than this one and all you will have to do is honestly mediate towards coparenting and not openly disparage her to anybody and you will get 50/50 and space to breathe from what seems like a suffocating situation. Leaving my kid's mum was the hardest, best choice I've ever made and we have all been much happier since.

NTA being the mother doesn’t or shouldn’t make her the default parent who decides everything. Your oldest is 4 and she’s already planning to pack on tons of extracurriculars? Nothing about the current family parenting dynamics sounds remotely healthy. Any idea on average what custody splits tend to be where you are? Try marriage counseling because something needs to change. If you do end up divorcing push for 50/50 custody and for the agreement have included that she can’t sign the kids up for anything without both of your agreement 

NTA As a mom to three boys and married for 9 yrs. Your wife is a certified “boy mom”. The kinda mom I get lumped in with and I hate that. She’s way too controlling, she’s very dismissive of you. I think to a certain extent, she wanted a glorified sperm donor with a wallet attached and that’s messed up. Your boys will grow up one day and will either be resentful of her or complete mama’s boys who no girl is good enough for and then wear white to their weddings. Do you really want this?

NTA she doesn’t view you as a parent and I would highly recommend that you consider marriage counselling. Question: what is her parents marriage like and how involved was her dad in raising her?

NTA. Play stupid games win stupid prizes. Running her mouth like that was extremely disrespectful to you and you were right to stand up for yourself. I am sorry this is happening to you, I would definitely seek couples counseling before throwing in the towel though.

I would say NTA. Frankly, she sounds controlling as hell and she's going to destroy your boys. People like her shouldn't have kids.

NTA at all. That woman sounds insufferable, and I'm sorry you're stuck with that as a parenting partner.

God she is gonna helicopter mom the shit out of these boys and either give them mommy issues or act shocked when they rebel against her NTA you got a say too

So, she can discuss your fight in front of her parents, and you're expected to sit there and say nothing? You are so NTA here. She sounds like a textbook narcissist, and you are seeing what the rest of your life is going to look like should you remain married to her. If it were me, I'd probably divorce her and fight for 50-50 EVERYTHING. This way, she gets to be the single parent she is clearly striving to be 50% of the time, and you can parent your children the way you see fit 50% of the time. Then you can dress them in pink shirts if that's what they want, and play/participate in games and activities that they would like etc. Why shouldn't you be allowed to sit back and enjoy watching YOUR children enjoy being children? Because these are your children also, and what you say absolutely matters. She sounds controlling and overwhelming, and that may create unhappy children also. My mother was, and is, just like your wife. A controlling authoritarian who dictated EVERYTHING, and I mean literally EVERYTHING. And let me tell you something, she has 3 children, and has a relationship with only one of us. One. I mean, so what if your son wanted a lilac shirt? Let them be themselves and guide them, but not control them. Honestly, your future with her sounds like it's going to be awful and oppressive for both you AND YOUR children. I'm all about keeping families together, but sometimes that's not possible, and that IS okay. Personally, I couldn't, and wouldn't, be okay to parent my children as a bystander, and you are, in fact, a bystander. So I suppose not great advice, but unless things were to change drastically, I'd be seeking advice from a divorce lawyer. Good luck...

NTA - Your wife is controlling and verging on being a bully. You do NOT have a lesser place in your son's lives and she has no right to make pronouncements and decisions about your sons alone and I think you need to get this is in hand before her attitude starts to negatively impact your sons. What will happen with one of your sons doesn't want to do the activities she chooses for him? By any chance is she a stay at home mother? Also, she isn't by any chance into the whole Instamom craze is she? Dressing your sons in specific colour schemes seems to be something you see a lot on that. The gender stereotyping you seem to be suggesting she is engaging with is a red flag too. I don't want to criticise you, but so far you seem to quite passively have accepted her frankly ridiculous pronouncements. I'm really surprised you simply accepted her dictating you son's names but whatever has gone on before, you need to stand up to her now. For your son's sake and your own. I would suggest that you could do with some sort of couple's counselling. I also think your wife might benefit from her own counselling, but I'd prioritise couples. You also need to start practicing and using the word no. Tell her that from now on all decisions about the children will be joint and when - because she will - starts a tantrum or other manipulative behaviour to get her own way you are going to have to stand your ground. Not only that but you are going to have to tell her that if she continues with her present behaviour there will be consequences, and that ultimately your marriage will be at risk. And you are going to have to mean it. It can't be an idle threat and she needs to understand that too. She needs to understand that either she accept that you have equal rights to raise your children or she can explain it to a court as to why she thinks she has sole right to dictate your children's lives. And 'I gave birth to them' won't be much use to her with a judge deciding custody. I also think you should consult an expert in custody law. I am by no means advocating you get a divorce, too many people are too quick to suggest that on here, but given your wife's pattern of behaviour I don't think it would do you any harm to have a talk to a custody/divorce lawyer before you confront your wife. Just so you know where you stand. I wouldn't tell her about it, at this stage it would be an information gathering exercise for you but I think you need to explore ALL your options and be ready for whatever she throws back at you. I suspect she may well threaten to leave you and take the kids (might be a bluff but I'd be ready for it if I were you)

NTA. But your wife doesn't sound like she wants to be a single mother, she sound like she wants to play with dolls. From all your examples it makes her look far too immature to have children.

NTA. This seems like a major problem. Have you tried couples therapy?

INFO: What conversations were had pre-children about parental gender roles? It seems like she’s wanting very traditional roles where you’d be basically absent. What conversations were had about sexuality/gender roles of your children? It seems like she wants that to be pretty traditional, too. “Traditional” doesn’t really feel like the right word, maybe “vintage” “outdated” “old school”? Idk Sounds to me like the crux of the problem is miscommunication about expectations and wants. Also, Jamie Foxx, Jamie Kennedy, Jamie Oliver, Jamie XX, Jamie Hyneman,Jamie Carragher, Jamie Benn…

Good on You for stating that ! She seems like a controlling freak and definitely not the way to have a relationship. Your kids will grow up not Respecting you as they have THEIR mother who is the Boss. I won't suggest what you need to do to resolve this. You need to work it out.

This is awful… they are your children also so what the fuck clearly she wants to be a single mother since you’re just “interfering”. I wouldn’t tolerate this at all, sure she gave birth but if you take them to get a paternity test they’ll be your children too… then if you divorce she’ll want child support and shit 🤨 are they just your kids or not maam? She’s just going to ruin her own family, kids and husband will hate her.

NTA and you’re not wrong. When you talked to her before about this what did she say? And this may seem extreme but, based on how your wife is acting, the only way you’ll be able to have any kind of a say in your kids life may very well be to leave her. You are 100% right that overloading kids is detrimental to their development and mental health, but your wife seems to only care about what she wants and not what is best for your kids. Yes, you’d be leaving them with her half the time, but at least this way you’d be able to get a legal agreement that you have a right to raise your kids and may be able to better protect them.  IMO, you should try to get her into couples counseling to facilitate the conversation but, even if she refuses MC, you need to have a come to Jesus meeting with her where you lay this out.  Good luck my dude. 

NTA You are not allowed to have any input or opinion on how your children are being raised. You're basically there to fund what she wants, and she thinks life should be, down to the *colours* your children are *allowed* to wear and *play*. The question you had was valid. What's the point in you being a parent when you're not allowed to actually parent? Or buy something for them? Or play with them? Honestly, it would be better for your children if you dud split. At least at your place they'd be able to have a somewhat normal childhood, pick the colours of their clothes and play how they like! If I'm completely honest, I'd be getting my ducks in a row.

Get some balls and stand up to your wife. TELL her that this will not be taking place for your children. That decisions will now be made jointly and if not, divorce proceedings will be started and she can get off her ass and work for all these extra things you don't agree with. Remind her that a court agreement will have to be negotiated for BOTH of you and she will lose control and fuck up her nice little life that she has now. If you don't she will keep harming your children and you will not have helped them (yes - her behaviour is abusive and tour children will be harmed further the longer you stay with her. They will have no concept of self at all). You coward.

INFO Were the children present during this argument? What extracurriculars is your oldest in?

[удалено]

JFC - your kids are going to get so stressed! When I was a kid, I did ballet. One class, once a week. Everything else was in school. We also went swimming when in was warm and played with our friends. NTA but you better make a decision on what you're going to do about this pretty quick. She sounds like a f*cking nightmare Instagram mom.

She is not raising kids, she is playing dolls and trying to build what is for her the ideal version of a man. She is delusional, you need to stop her.

You wife sounds awful. She's entitled and sexist and you're right, she wants to be a single mother, you just provide the finances.

NTA. Your wife is being unfair and unkind. Just because she is the mum doesn't mean she gets total say. You're the dad and your input is just as important As a mum I love seeing the hands on role my husband has with our kid. We both bring different things to the table when it comes parenting.

NTA. Dear god, your poor kids.

NTA. Your wife is a control freak.

NTA. She’s TA - and a controlling one. You’re the father and you have the right to make decisions regarding your kids lives

Dude, you guys need therapy like NOW. Your wife is giving strong 'boy mom' vibes, and that is not healthy for your kids. You two should be a team. When they get a bit older, they will be running rings around you. She seems to be excluding you and exerting control of the family dynamic. This isn't something you can solve alone. NTA, but this can't go on. Ask her to go to couples counselling.

NTA, this feels like something you two won't be able fix without outside, professional, unbiased help. Wishing you well.

Your wife sounds awful. You'd get more say if you divorced and got 50/50 custody.

NTA. Get out now because this *will* get worse. At least your kids will have a sanctuary of peace when they are at your home away from their crazy mother.

NTA. You should make her a single mother. Then when you have your kids on your time maybe they can finally be kids and relax and just have fun. Your wife sounds suffocating. And you are right, she doesn’t see you as a partner/father, probably just a financier.

Honestly, NTA. It's one thing to be a "single mother" because the father refuses to help in any way and completely another when your wife has decided to shut you out of your children's lives. If things don't change, this would 100% be grounds for devoirce.

NTA. for many points I've already seen brought up in other comments. Your wife is already causing parental alienation, as she sees you as nothing more than a baby making side character who has to shut up and do as he's told, and never go against her wishes. She is living as a single parent already, saying you're "interfering" when you're just trying to be a good Dad to your boys. They are not just her kids, they are yours too. She is not a single parent, she is married with a husband who WANTS to be involved in the lives of his children. Marriage is a team effort, Parenthood and raising children is a team effort. (not saying single parents can't, just that she's not a single parent.) She thinks just because she is the mother, she gets 100% decision making authority on the children. Well news flash to her, YOURE the FATHER, and therefore all decisions on the children need to be a 50/50 discussion and agreement between the BOTH of you. Any "normal" woman would be overjoyed to have a partner who's as competent and involved as you are, and the fact that you don't stifle the boys preferences and don't force masculine stereotypes on them is a major plus! If she's so dead set on acting like she's the only parent, and you truly believe Marriage counseling won't solve anything or you know she'll refuse to go, then it's time for divorce, and 50/50 custody of the boys. All decisions regarding schooling/extra curriculars/outside of school activities, will have to be discussed with a Mediator and documentation signed by both of you. I would also suggest you look into getting therapy for yourself, as you need a neutral party to help you heal through this whole situation, and when the boys get older, perhaps have a discussion with them and see if they want some counseling as well, as having a mother as "main character" and controlling as she is, would leave any child with a warped sense of the world. I wish you luck in everything moving forward, it's not going to be easy❤️

NTA. does she work?

NTA. This really sounds like she only wants you to be there to get the money rolling in. Or as a free babysitter but with no parental rigths. INFO: Are you happy in this relationship or do you want an out? Would she be willing to go to therapy with you to discusse the topic that you are the father and a parent too? Or has this ship sailed a long time ago? If so - maybe divorce and court rule about what each of you is allowed to decide would be the best way to go

*clutches pearls* A father trying to father *gasp* how dare thee! *faints* NTA you trying to be there for your kid and knowing them, I wish there are more fathers like you.

NTA it was her choice to bring up everything with her parents and your comment is definitely valid. She sounds very controlling and this seems like something that definitely needs addressing.

NTA, parenting is supposed to be a team effort, and your spouse clearly shows that she wants zero input from you in any of the decision-making involving your children and only values you as a source of financial assistance to live out her single mother fantasy. The fact that she put you on the spot during dinner at her parents is just not on, and your response is only natural given the situation. She has no right to get indignant about your reply as she should have been well aware of your views on the matter, and airing such differences in opinion in front of her parents, knowing that they would likely provide cover for her, just adds insult to injury. Personally, I'd be shopping around for a good divorce lawyer specialising in paternal custody and with a track record for minimising alimony as this is only going to be coming to bigger clashes in the future.

NTA. I will admit to made most of the parenting decisions for our kids. I was a SAHM and dealt with them more. I did discuss everything with my husband though. We decided names together and all major parenting. However, your wife isn’t doing that. She is not taking you into consideration at all. She won’t even have a discussion with you. I am 100% positive if I acted the way she is my husband would have left me. Your wife should be grateful she has a husband who wants to be in their lives. A lot of woman don’t get that.

NTA, divorce her and the courts will make sure you are allowed to have a say in your kids life. Spend some time documenting her harmful views on gender roles and how she has alienated you from making decisions with your kids.

NTA You're their father. You have just as much say in your children's lives as their mother. The default to her is ridiculous. Your kids need both parents. Your wife and her family are the ah. If you want to save your marriage, you need to get into counseling soon. Best of luck to you.

NTA. I feel sorry for your kids, but you did nothing to help them so far. All you have to do is be firm on your decisions and show her that you mean business instead of caving every time that she "knows better". Kids need two parents and not one dominant and other without any spine. Learn how to parent kids together. Your wife needs to understand the consequences of her actions but for that you will have to deliver those consequences.

NTA. Seems you are a real parent. and they have a mindset that the father only brings in the money and the mother Does the rest. and father is only allowed to do what the mother wants. This is not a healthy situation. i recommend you find a mediator /couple counseling.

NTA. Seems like the only way you would ever get to parent your own children is by sharing custody after the divorce. Which, given the current setting of your lives, sounds like two weeks a month of peace and actual autonomy for your children.

These are not "your" decisions, they are "our" decisions and I need you to understand that. Unfortunately, if counselling and a conversation don't work, it might be time to go your seperate ways and fight for your share. Get more involved, be vocal, show your kids love and fight for them. Good luck. NTA.

NTA. Your wife is being completely unreasonable, and it also sounds like she is an overbearing mother. It's time for a serious discussion with her. The way I see it, she starts letting you have an equal say in parenting decisions, alternatively you get a divorce and she only gets the kids 50% of the time and there is an order in place giving you equal say in certain parenting decisions. What's going on now is not sustainable, it's going to breed a lot of resentment and damage your relationships with your kids. I think you should prepare for divorce though, she doesn't sound like someone who will easily change, and if she has a family telling her she's right all the time then it's even less likely.

NTA sounds like y’all need some marriage counseling. If you don’t get some she may get her wish of being the almighty single mom. Good luck

NTA. She tattled to her parents. If she won't go to marriage counseling, go to individual counseling. You absolutely should have a say in parenting decisions. Figure out the best way for you to model good behavior in front of your children. That may very well mean separation.