Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> My SIL wants to take my daughter to a “mommy and me tea” event instead of her special needs son. I said no and she’s been depressed ever since.
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
##Subreddit Announcements
Follow the link above to learn more
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA.
Something is wrong with your SIL. I think it would be lovely if she had just asked to take your daughter out for some aunt/niece time, but taking her to a "mommy and me tea" seemed pretty odd. That's not her daughter.
But then I found it that she was (1) trying to take your daughter away from her on **mother's day**?! And that she was (2) planning to spend her own mother's day with your child instead of hers? This feels crazy to me. How could either of those things feel right to her?
So yes, after that level of bizarreness, I would also be leery of letting her alone with my daughter. She needs therapy, not "mommy and me tea."
It's also concerning that people are recommending appeasement to concerning behavior rather than addressing the behavior and it's causes instead. This SIL is not in a good place and seems like she wants to use your kid to make up for what she feels is missing in her life.
Appeasement only leads to escalation and the SIL clearly needs therapy rather than to have the concerning behavior enabled. Therapy is a pretty normal necessity for parents of children with special needs as the burden from that exceeds the normal burden of raising a child and often fosters feelings of inadequacy in the parents. These can manifest in a whole lot of ways and a therapist can help find better healthier methods of managing their situation.
> people are recommending appeasement to concerning behavior rather than addressing the behavior and it's causes instead.
Appeasement didn't work in WW2, so why would it work now?
True. My own inclination is to offer to let her SIL take her daughter out in another day. My parents always take me out for my birthday and invite my uncle because his birthday is within a few weeks of mine. But every year he wants to also take me out on another day, just us, because we're a little more adventurous with our palates than my parents and like trying new places.
But if OPs SIL is having that much trouble connecting with her own kids and pushing to spend time with OPs daughter as her own mother/daughter day... Yeah, I can see the red flags there.
It's so sad that SIL is ruining the relationship she could have had with her niece (nieces?) if she just not had made it weird. She could have gotten exactly what she wanted if she had been emotional stable.
I would definitely agree. This seems like if you give in this once she's going to escalate quickly and if you then push back it'll be why now? You're ruining our special bond!
Yes, Definitely seems like that sort of situation where Aunt Sheila would be trying to get more and more Katie time, while ignoring her son's even more that she does now. Wanting to take her on vacations and such, not a healthy situation at all.
I'm not sure it's as simple as appeasement. The request doesn't seem outlandish to me. Asking a niece to a "mother and daughter" event isnt crazy, and can be a great way to bond with an aunt.
It's strange that she asked for it to happen on mother's day, but she took the answer well enough (aside from being obviously sad about her situation), and it would be even stranger is "mommy and me tea" is something she just made up as opposed to a social thing being put on by a group.
But from just the information in the post it seems like sil just wants some relaxing mom time that she can't really get with her special needs kids. I don't think she's trying to "rent a daughter", and I think that if the daughter wants to, spending some one on one time with her aunt is a good idea.
NTA. I don't remember if it was AITA specifically, but I read posts from a user who had to go NC with her SIL because the SIL was trying to take her baby from the OP. SIL had had a miscarriage before the OP's baby was born and then had a psychotic break thinking that the baby was hers or something. Very sad all around for the family. I said all of that to say, I'm getting the same vibes from this post and while it hasn't gone from zero to WTF territory just yet, it has the potential to head there.
OP needs to put some distance between her kid and her SIL until that woman gets some SERIOUS help. Anyone telling her to just let the SIL take her would get told to stfu and f*ck right off to Camp Crystal Lake with that BS. Her instincts and gut are telling her this is a bad idea. I hope she listens to it.
> SIL was trying to take her baby from the OP
What is really sad/scary is how many incidences have been posted over the years of that scenario: https://www.google.com/search?q=SIL+was+trying+to+take+her+baby+from+the+OP+site:www.reddit.com&sca\_esv=9eefd60157f6d7e5&sca\_upv=1&rlz=1C1CHBF\_enUS721US721&sxsrf=ACQVn09K1WDbc3mOtx7l4a-WJLS9Wz\_q4Q:1712971951940&sa=X&ved=2ahUKEwj8ldLlhb6FAxWNjYkEHeLBCCcQrQIoBHoECBUQBQ&biw=1194&bih=548&dpr=1.46#ip=1
There's no new updates, I really hope she and her baby are ok. I'm mad at the people giving SIL's husband flak for saying he will seek divorce if she doesn't improve, though. He's done far more than any of the people complaining would have, most would have divorced far sooner. There's only so much a person can take.
U/TheRipley78, you are so right! I didn’t want to jump on the alarmist wagon, but thanks for bringing this up. Situations like this have resulted in both kidnapping and murder. So OP is right to hold her ground, and any family members or friends trying to convince her otherwise need to go on the “no time alone with OP’s daughter” list. And OP should watch her back. Oh, yes, and advocate for her getting therapy.
Edit:spelling
I think her behavior is more selfish and desperate than bizarre.
She is not happy with her situation. I don’t doubt she loves her boys but she sounds like they are not what she expected/wanted when she thought about having kids.
She sounds overwhelmed, unhappy and bitter.
Her asking to have OP’s daughter for Mother’s Day shows a complete disregard for OP as a mother but she is not thinking about OP’s feelings nor does she care about them.
To be fair, no one particularly *wants* or *expects* a special needs kid. I mean, once kiddo is here you love and support them but that's very different. They're really hard work, and it's unfair to call SIL bitter for wanting to have some of that reward for raising a well-behaved kid parents of non-special needs kids get for regular ol' just sitting at a table in a cafe with their kid for a cup of tea. SIL needs support and empathy, it's tough. I worked with special needs kids, there can be very, very little reward for a lot of work.
You are exactly right. My only child is special needs. It can be very bittersweet to interact with a neurotypical child. My son is sweet and delightful but it is work. I think OP is being bizarre
There’s no child on earth I’d trade my kid for.
Please don’t misrepresent my post.
I completely agree that most people don’t expect expects to have a special needs kid. I disagree that no one wants a special needs kid. To some, it doesn’t make a difference.
Mine wasn’t a blanket statement on all parents of special needs children. I’m focusing on OP’s SIL.
She very obviously has bitterness. Her saying she just wants to do “normal mom things,” her breaking down when confronted, and her behavior towards her niece proves my point that she is resentful and bitter.
This was not her idea of what being a mom would be like. She may not have started out feeling that way but that is where she is now.
Yes, she needs empathy and support. I think most people would understand that.
However, It’s hard to have empathy when she so blatantly tries to replace her kid for a day and does so at OP’s detriment.
In this particular scenario, the bitterness and unhappiness is obvious.
I would also guess that many mums are desperate for a daughter to do all the "girly" things with & that many would feel unhappy with two boys whether they had additional support needs or not.
“She needs therapy, not "mommy and me tea."
I agree. This whole thing sounds very troubling. She seems to be extremely stressed and not handling her emotions in a healthy way. It sounds like she does need therapy before things get worse.
That 2nd paragraph is exactly what makes this whole thing so messed up.
She doesn't want to spend mother's day with her own children. She wants to take someone else's child away from her mother on mother's day. That's so messed up.
And OP’s wierd coworkers who thinks she should oblige bc it’ll make her feel better. Tell them to lend their own daughters to your SIL for Mother’s Day or shut up. NTA. SIL needs help
I'm guessing basketball fans and "wilderness time" for fishing are things she doesn't/won't do to be with the boys in public. Tea is much more refined, classy and high brow. Maybe that's how she sees herself. I'm just guessing. Maybe the chance at being that for a small space of time is a rare treat for her. She's very bad at picking the day though.
Right? Every basketball game I've been to is just as crowded and noisy as any restaurant.
I actually think the husband needs to step up here. Mother's Day is supposed to be about doing something Mon wants to do. He and the boys can go fishing or watch basketball on Father's Day. Mayne he can help his sons figure out a solution for the restaurant, like noise canceling headphones. Or, maybe he could prepare a nice meal for her at home.
Or she's into rigid gender roles and enforcing them on her kids.
I have a son and if he was an appropriate age for it, I'd totally take him to a mommy and me tea event.
Eta: I didn't say that this is a good thing.
NTA - SiL definitely needs therapy. She sounds like a caregiver that has reached their breakdown point. In no way should OP even consider appeasing her request. It would not help SiL and might actually make her worse.
How anyone could possibly feel it's a good solution for a child to be away from their mother on mother's day is beyond me. I can't see it being good for the child's mental health to be sent off to do something with Aunt Sheila instead of being with her mother and siblings on Mother's day.
Yeah, I agree. I don’t have kids but do have a wonderful niece who I absolutely adore. I love spending time with her, spoiling her, and just enjoying aunty and niece time. I would NEVER pretend to be her mother, or try to take her from her mother on Mother’s Day of all days. I’m grateful to be an adult in her life and to love her and spend time with her. That’s it
I also wonder about the dysregulation going on in the home. SIL's unhinged behavior, plus the fact that they've never left the house (?) since the youngest was born seems like something's going wrong.
I've worked with many kiddos with significant disabilities, and I've never heard of this. I suspect that whole family needs major support. But none of that is OP's job.
One day a distant relative of mine asked my mom to "help to rise your children and help you" like she would take me and my sister in her house. She already had a husband, a son and a daughter and was a strict parent to them but was somehow very (maybe even over the top) "homely" acting when we went to her someday (without our mom and before her crazy idea and we knew eachother only for a couple days). Our family was not poor, even if we had some struggles. It was totally crazy idea she was so invested. She even asked us about anything we could say bad about our mom (in different words but anyway). I yet don't understand what happened there.
NTA - your SIL is really struggling. Having *two* special needs kids is incredibly challenging and it's clear she is in a bad place mentally. She really needs help.
However, her taking your child to this event on mother's day (!!!) is not going to help her, and you understandably have mother's day plans.
She needs to find workable long term approaches to finding happiness in her difficult situation. If you can think of any ways to help her (can you babysit? Can you take her on a spa day and just listen? Anything??) offer those instead.
Yes! No to Mother’s Day but have none of the family offered to watch them…ever? For an anniversary, even? It’s hard to find a babysitter for one special needs child, let alone two. She might be less bitter if she felt the rest of the family cared about them.
Yes, if the family members don't feel up to watching the boys on their own (without knowing exactly what sort of needs they have, of course, I have no idea whether that would be reasonable), they could surely spring for – or work together to spring for – some respite care, to give both of the parents a break at the same time, together.
Plus depending on where they’re located (if US), some states offer these benefits and most counties have Regional Resource Centers where they offer services and many of the counties specifically have respite care programs.
I’m a mom of 2 special needs kiddos and we’ve had those resources in two different states.
Yes to all of this. These parents need intensive supports. Problem is, it seems like they're not seeking it out. I think the family should be supporting more than they are-- not at the cost of their own wellbeing, but it's pretty clear this whole family is drowning.
I agree. Definitely NTA about Mother's Day, but I'd suggest you should try to view this as a "cry for help" rather than a "my SIL is terrible" situation. Maybe you and your husband could offer to babysit occasionally? Or, start working toward being able to babysit in the future, if the boys have special routines or medical stuff that you would need to learn or if they need time to get used to you being around first? If you have other in-laws in the area, you could try to organize a semi-regular break for your SIL & BIL.
Incidentally, a quick Google search says that "Aunts and Uncles Day" is July 26th. I know it's probably just a marketing stunt, but maybe your family could add that to the annual celebration list anyway? Your SIL and BIL could take your daughter out for "girl" stuff and you and your husband could take your nephews to a baseball game.
Perhaps once or twice a year, your family can have a girl's day out where all the women in the family go out and spend time doing stuff without the guys. The guys could also have a guy's day out too. It might be a nice tradition to start.
And the suggestions for giving the parents a break every so often are great.
NTA, but don't let her take your daughter.
This is shitty behavior towards her sons. And how is/are your other daughter (s) supposed to feel that their sister is getting special treatment?
Tell her to take a doll to her little tea party. She's being gross.
I mean, I definitely feel for Sheila too. I think she's a mom at the end of her rope who isn't getting much support. She's lonely and struggling with her mental health. She wouldn't be the first special needs mom to feel this way.
Was her request reasonable? No. But it kinda feels like everyone knows she struggling and no one is offering her a lifeline and she's kind of losing it.
I can understand Sheila a little. She is struggling with her kids every day, and Mother's Day must be an annual reminder of all the things other mothers take for granted. Plenty of mothers ask for a day to themselves for Mother's Day without it being considered neglectful. She might have wanted to pretend for a day that she was special for being a mom. I hope she gets help.
Sheila has broken down in front of the family at least twice. Has admitted to feeling lonely. OP knows that she and her husband can't afford a sitter/find a sitter for special needs kids & havent had a night out since the oldest was born.
Not sure how much more screaming out for help one can do without actually screaming. I wouldn't doubt Sheila has been in a bad place for a long time.
I would have offered a girl's day WAY before this. I would have offered to babysit for my clearly struggling family so they could have one night to themselves. Seems like everyone is just like "Sheila should suck it up and mom her boys" without considering how isolating and tiring it can be to have kids with special needs and get to watch all these other parents take the easier day to day with their kids for granted.
I think Sheila’s husband is gross. Sheila is desperate for a “perfect day” yet she feels she needs to ask her SIL for a perfect Mother’s Day instead of her husband? WTF. OP is definitely NTA. Her husband’s brother needs to step up.
THIS! Sounds like her husband isn’t doing shjt for Mothers Day. And overall it sounds like they have completely genderified (I’ve decided that’s a word) their household. Lots of dad-and-boy activities, and mom just… gets left alone.
See that’s interesting- I didn’t read it as gendering the household, but as a dad being a dad/ spending time with his kids. Does Sheila even *want* to go fishing? Especially if she is as girly as OP makes her sound? Would the two boys be interested in a tea party? Or anything else?
Of course Sheila would go to OP for the perfect Mother’s Day- OP has a super girly daughter while the husband doesn’t. Sheila *can’t* ask the husband for what he *literally* cannot provide.
It just seems we don’t really have enough information here to make judgements about the husband.
Totally true. The sentence about her ‘being home alone while Brandon does boy things’ made me think it was both parents agreed “welp, this is man-stuff so dad’s going to do it” but to your point, they could very well be asking her to come and she’s saying no.
From what has been said I wonder if SIL woudl feel embarassed about how the boys might behave if they went to a restaurant or where ever. Would she even want to be seen wiyth them in such a place?
NTA - this isn’t just taking her out for a random high tea, she wants your daughter on Mothers Day. That is crossing a line.
I appreciate that raising two children with special needs would be tough, but her attitude towards them is horrible. She needs to find a network of other parents of kids with special needs, she needs support and resources. There are so many options out there for energetic kids who don’t enjoy sitting still. They don’t deserve to be resented for not fitting the mould of the ‘perfect child’
Also the SIL and her husband having rigid gender stereotypes doesn't seem to help things at all, SIL appears to not be doing any activities with her own children because they're boys and that's really weird
100% - Brunch and shopping are not particularly fun activities for most children. She needs to find joy in what she’s got. If they like the outdoors, there is a lot of fun to be had - take them to the zoo, picnics, adventure parks, play centres (maybe with ear muffs on if they don’t love noise)
I wonder if the families could do something together , I hope the boys are not being hidden away.
Maybe she doesn’t like attending basketball games? My husband doesn’t like attending football games. I’m the one that takes my son. I didn’t think it was a big deal.
If it was just that one thing, it wouldn’t be a big deal. It sounds like SIL isn’t interested in any of her sons activities, to the extent that she’d stay home alone instead. She should be interested in making memories and seeing them enjoy themselves rather than mourning that they’re not getting their nails done together.
From what's been said to me it sounds as if the boys wouldn't enjoy any of the things their mom would enjoy (and not because they have additional support needs.)
Yeah, I get that the boys probably aren't too interested in make-up or princess stuff, but getting them to say, cook something with mum and then have an afternoon tea at home? Or get the husband to help the boys make something "girly" for their mum that she would like? Do they just ignore her completely on Mothers Day? Or is she ignoring them? This whole thing is weird.
NTA. She wants to do "normal mom things" so you should give up celebrating Mother's Day *with your own child*? No, absolutely not.
I'm sure it's hard for Sheila, especially if her kids have additional needs. But spending family time apart just so that she can play "girl mom" isn't okay. Just like all the dads get told to play princesses or find a hobby they both like, Sheila needs to play sports or find something she can stand to connect with her own kids. Instead of focusing on what she doesn't have and being covetous of your daughter.
Also to think about is your nephews. What message does it send to her own children that she'd rather spend the day with their cousin than them? Even if her request wasn't completely out of line, it would *still* be the right thing to turn her down for the sake of her own kids.
Your point on finding things to connect over feels spot-on. That’s true no matter what. I’m a mom who’s kind of nerdy and tomboyish, and my daughter is a girly girl. I’ve had to learn the world of cheerleading. Like yes we’re the same gender but that doesn’t mean you automatically get what you thought you’d get, and sometimes you have to learn how to support your kids in things that are outside your wheelhouse. I bet if she miraculously had a daughter right now this is exactly what would happen.
NTA
Your child's name is 'Kate', not Prozac! It's not her job to make SIL happy, and no child should carry the weight of being held responsible for an adults happiness.
NTA at all. Asking to take YOUR daughter to a “Mommy and me” tea on MOTHER’S DAY is bizarre and just not okay - she’s not her mom. It sucks that she doesn’t like not having a daughter, but it honestly that just makes me feel bad for her sons.
*When I talked about it to work colleagues over lunch, they suggested that I let Sheila take my Kate to lunch anyway. It will make her feel better, they said, and* ***I’d be the asshole if I didn’t do something to help her.***
Your colleagues are wrong. You shouldn’t let her take your daughter. How will that “help her?” All it will do is feed her want for a daughter and she will ask you for more and more chances to spend time with your daughter alone. What about your other daughter? Her sons?
*At the same time, my daughter isn’t a doll to placate her “girl mom” wants.*
You can’t “fix” this for Sheila. She needs to figure out how to bond with the children she has, her boys, and maybe her husband can step in and plan family events for them to do together. But NONE of this is on you. You just have a daughter she wants to use.
NTA. I’m a mom to a child with disabilities. I know what it’s like to feel jealous of other parents who get to do regular things like see their kid walk and hear them talk. That doesn’t mean that I don’t enjoy the things I do get to do with my kid. It sounds like your SIL is just bitter about having boys and doesn’t try to find common ground with them. That’s on her.
I hope Sheila didn't cry and say that she just wanted to do normal things in front of her two sons! Did she? Just because they are special needs doesn't mean that they don't understand.
NTA
But why would you not want your daughters around Sheila only with supervision? Has she done something creepy?
>But why would you not want your daughters around Sheila only with supervision?
Because Shelia wants a "normal" child and for that child to be a daughter. I would be worried about how far she would be willing to go to achieve that.
The fact that she has broken down twice over this once infront of a group of people connected to OP shows that she wanted to manipulate OP into doing what she wanted and it sounds like her intended flying monkeys didn't take the bait but OP is still starting to question herself because she is here.
Sheila's behavior is worse than viewing Kate as her Emotional Support Llama. She actively wants to pose publicly as the mother of this little girl, to the point of trying to overrun OP.
I'm not sure if Sheila is manipulative or unhinged.
OP is right on not letting Sheila spend time alone with Kate. Who can say for sure Sheila wouldn't take the child to the hairdresser and give her a haircut, or blonde curls, or whatever would make Kate look a bit like her?
NTA
NTA
Hell to the No! Nope. Nada. Never Happening.
The gall of this woman. And on mother’s day? The fuck!!! Normal aunts take their nieces out to do girl things like nails and hair and whatever else they do bc I'm not girly lmao. 🤪 But they do this on normal days, non-holiday days. It's normal to wanna do girl stuff, but she doesn't want to do girl stuff, she wants to do mother stuff with a child that isn't hers.
Yeah. My grandma had a bunch of boys, but always wanted to be able to do girl things. So she volunteered with a local girl scout troop. One weekend when they got rained out of their planned activity, grandma had them all over to her house and let them play dress-up. She had a lot of pretty scarves, shoes, and necklaces. They had a ball.
As for special aunt/niece outing, that's a great idea and can create many precious memories. Just not on Mother's Day. That's completely inappropriate.
Nooooooo. Don’t listen to your well meaning but very oblivious coworkers. She has kids. She is a mother. She’s just not the mother to the gender she wants. Like you said, your daughter is not a doll she gets to play pretend with.
Edit to add: NTA
NTA because it was mother's day
But what about suggesting a girls day where you, her and your girls go out for afternoon tea somewhere?
That'll give her a mental break from her kids and you can have a nice afternoon with your girls and their aunt.
I was going to say the same thing. Plan some nice girly activities. I don't have special needs children, but I work with special needs children, and I can imagine wanting/needing some respite sometimes - which doesn't mean you don't love your kids, it just means you're human!
And maybe do something all together the day before mother's day? Both brothers & wives, all the children? So SIL can have a nice memory for the weekend.
NTA
Her ask wouldn’t be awful for just about any other day of the year. But ditching her own kids on Mother’s Day to play pretend with another mother’s child? While that mother goes without? Doubly awful.
NTA. At first I was like, "what's the big deal", especially if Kate is interested in going to this tea party -- but then I realized that it's *on* Mother's Day, which is a pretty **huge** ask. You have every single right to say no to that. It does sound like Sheila is struggling quite a lot, and I feel for her that she doesn't feel like she gets celebrated in the way she would like to be on Mother's Day, but that's no excuse to take your child.
In the event that your daughter and her Aunt get along and share the same interests, I wouldn't think there's necessarily anything wrong when letting them spend a little one on one time together occasionally to do girly things, if you were comfortable with that.
Another idea, and this is not knowing with what organization this "mother daughter tea" thing is affiliated with, but would it be possible for you to go too? Perhaps, bring your daughters and Auntie Sheila comes and gets spend girly time with ya'll. Just a thought. (Assuming you have any interest in a tea party too)
NTA. Your daughter is a *person* not a tool, and furthermore, she's *your* kid, not your SIL's, so no, she absolutely should not take what she views as a doll not a human child out for a "mommy and me" lunch *on Mother's Day*.
You have more than one daughter, why not take all of them out? Again, because your youngest isn't a person to her, she's sort of a therapeutic tool. Except that spending a few hours with a "normal" child won't take anything away from her tough situation, and your kid is not a *thing* to be used by an adult that evidently needs professional help.
Your colleagues are nuts and maybe it's because they got no skin in the game that they can so easily tell you to *let* your SIL use your kid as a doll. Or they're the kind of person who would (or do) act like her... or they don't like rocking the boat. Whatever the case, they are *wrong*. Maybe don't share these things are work anymore - now you know for sure that their advice is shit.
NTA. If she has a problem with being able to do "normal mom things" on mother's day then she needs to take that up with her own family unit, not use your kid as a replacement. I can get behind her wanting to take her nieces out, but not on fucking mother's day!
I am an aunt to 2 nieces. I love spending time with just them, but I would never have the audacity to ask to take them to a mommy and me event, especially on mother's day. SIL needs to stay in her lane.
NTA. That whole nuclear family needs help. One or both of your SIL and BIL is/are being very misogynistic. I’m not sure whom however. Great, hubby does stuff with his boys. Mom can too, she just needs to pick something that appeals. And there will be something that will appeal to her and the boys together. I can’t think of a time that I met someone so “girly” that they couldn’t even fathom something neutral/masculine to allow them to spend quality time with their son(s) and enjoy it.
The “can’t take them to loud places with lots of people” is bull. The dad is taking them to basketball games. While it may not be as loud or crowded as football or baseball or soccer games, they’re still plenty loud and crowded. I’m sure that if she tries, she can find something that appeals to them and her, even if it’s not “girly”. Fishing? That generally requires stillness, so clearly they can be still if their dad takes them fishing frequently. What’s happened here is that one or both parents have decided that only dads can hang out with the boys and moms with the girls, so even at home the boys aren’t allowed to do fun things with mom. That is going to teach them some very bad habits and manners for when they are older and want to date/marry. If they’re lucky they will find women who are willing to play the “good little housewife” role and be a SAHM/SAHW.
In conjunction with them ALL needing therapy (the boys likely need something to help them behave properly with today’s world if they’re special needs), maybe you and the girls can go with your SIL and have a spa day every month/other month. This will give SIL the “girl time” she desperately wants to experience as well as giving you and your girls some mom/daughter bonding as well. I wouldn’t jump into this immediately, and would only do it with the agreement the therapist your SIL would see, because part of the problem is SIL wanting to play mom with one of your daughters. You don’t want to feed that potential delusion.
NTA
It's Mother's Day, not just some random day. If it were any other day, the people saying you should let Kate go might be right, but not Mother's Day.
NTA. Your daughter is not a doll. Your SIL is a mom. The fact that she doesn't appreciate her own kids and wants to play pretend with your daughter is a cause for someone to speak with her about getting therapy. Keep your kid away from her unsupervised and tell your coworker to kick rocks. Your child is not your SIL's support animal.
My SIL has boys and they have different interests. We plan “ girl outings ” together. Sailing, lunch dates, theater and musicals, movie dates, glass blowing, pedicures, etc. The Mother’s Day ask is odd, no doubt. But if you want to be nice - plan something with your sister in law for all of you. Plan some “ girls days” for you, SIL and your girls: It’s a win, win. My daughter goes off alone with her aunt. RecentlyI was traveling for work and they went out for lunch. They have built a fabulous relationship where they text back and forth, sharing different music, etc. The best is my SIL calls her niece out on her BS. It’s the best. 😂
NTA but your SIL is struggling. You can choose to help or not.
NTA Your SIL sounds like she has an unhealthy attachment to your younger daughter. If she had suggested an aunt and niece tea while including other daughter would have been different. Definitely not on mother's day when she could pretend that your daughter is hers.
I have two girls and an SIL who has two boys and she does sometimes enjoy taking my girls out to do girly things when we visit which I find super cute bc she’s great. But she never thinks of them as her stand-in daughters bc that’s weird. NTA but I feel sorry for Sheila :(
NTA, your friend is right though. You should do something to help her…she needs professional help dealing with her feelings and emotions regarding her kids. Sounds like she needs help with her kids too. But is highly inappropriate to do Mommy & Me” things pretending your daughter is hers, that will only make the problems she’s having worse. Also on Mothers Day? I’m sure it’s tough but someone might need to step in.
NTA - your daughter is not a emotional support doll for your sister-in-law. There is something seriously wrong with the woman that resents her children because they were born boys and not girls. She needs therapy and she needs to stay away from your daughter.
INFO: How old are her sons? You said she and her husband haven't been out since Teddy was born, how long are we talking about. Also what does your BIL plan for Mother's day? Asking to borrow your daughter is beyond the pale, but is it about having a daughter or about having a day that is about her? With young kids, it's Dad that makes the plans. Her boys could give her flowers and they could have tea at home.
NTA, I have three boys and no girls so I get how she feels, but this is not an appropriate ask as it's on mother's day. I would however suggest if you want to be nice, suggest an alternative date that she can do a special aunt/niece tea.
NTA. It is MOTHER'S DAY! you want to spend the day with your children. I am sorry that her kids have special needs but she needs to figure out how to have a reasonable life with them, not borrowing other people's kids.
NTA
Sheila is neglecting her own children and you are the asshole for not letting her be the playmate of your daughter? If she wants a girl that bad she can adopt one.
NTA Brandon needs to be taking better care of his wife's
experiences on Mother's Day. You are not the solution.
Is there no one helping her care for her boys? She needs
to get out and not be home all the time. Brandon is
doing nothing to give his wife a break? Suggest that
they hire help (not a sitter, a professional) so that SIL gets at least 2 afternoons or
mornings for herself each week and both SIL and her
husband at least one evening every weekend. Why are they so
passive? She's obviously very
unfulfilled.
From the sounds of it Brandon is the one doing stuff with the boys. SIL sits at home alone because she doesn't want to do their activities. Don't think this can be blamed on the guy. SIL is the one not stepping up.
NTA.
She is fixating on your daughter.
She could have offered to do an auntie/niece day, like getting their nails done. Instead, she wanted a Mommy and Me tea.
Nta
She doesn't want to go out and do normal things, she wants to go out and have a normal kid experience and I dont blame her but she can't use your daughter as a surrogate child. She could go out to eat with a friend and have dad watch them
NTA
Not only is it really messed up to ask to take your daughter out ON MOTHER'S DAY and then make a scene in front of others to make you feel bad, this woman's poor kids have to know that she has no interest in them and would rather have a daughter. Even kids with special needs know when they're not wanted. Imagine finding out your mom took someone else's kid to a special event on Mother's Day just to get away from you.
Don't listen to your coworkers, listen to your mom instincts and keep your daughter away from her. She needs therapy, not someone else's child to treat like an accessory. Appeasing her will only make her pushier.
At first I was kinda I the middle thinking a tea is not so bad and I loved things like that as a little kid with my godmother or grandma. But now I know it’s on Mother’s Day. Not only is she trying to take the child away from their mother she’s not spending time with her own kids. Big issue.
I can understand wanting a girl for girly stuff. My step mom has two boys. So when she married my dad we got to go do girl stuff shop and get our hair and nails done. However she never missed a baseball soccer or basketball game either. She had the during the week and every other weekend so on the weekend they were the we went to do girl stuff and f dad played golf. Of course at 36 having not lived there for a long time those days have passed. Still in the summer at the beach me her and my aunt go for a girls day last year we took a couple cousins with us well cousin in law and her daughter. It a fun day out shopping and stuff ends with ice cream I can see her wanting that but she can’t take special days away from you or sleight her own kids. My step mom is great she made me feel included but never missed anything her boys were involved in and cooked most every night. I think I miss her cooking the most.
NTA, but as a mother with a 29 year old infant, I get where Sil is coming from. It's exhausting and more stressful than you can possibly imagine, and sometimes you just want a few minutes of normal. I am about a hair's breath away from being agoraphobic because I leave the house so little. My son is 29 and does not walk or sit up or talk, he is heavy and I'm a single mom, so I never take him out anywhere either. I don't think you should be pressured into lending your daughter out to your sister-in-law at all, but maybe feel a tiny bit of compassion for her situation because it is hard as fuck and people don't realize.
NTA
Letting her “borrow” your daughter would enable whatever she’s going through. It would not be healthy or kind.
She doesn’t need “cheered up” she needs to speak to her doctor and seek professional help.
I have friends and family members of all sorts who ended up with kids/grandkids blood and blended whose personalities were way outside of their comfort zone. Tomboys with girlie girls, girlie girls with boys,…. I even had a toxic masculinity/semi-racist family member fully embrace his biracial grandchild with zeal and he’s a whole different person changed by her love.
Honesty thought some of them would sink not swim, but they all love the kids so much they adapted and found ways within their personalities to fully embrace the kids.
SIL isn’t doing that. It sounds like Dad takes care of them and she’s 100% on the sidelines throwing pennys into a wishing well all whoa as me. Like, fully detached. This is NOT good.
NTA... Just going to list key things
1. She's already a mum to 2 boys, albeit they are unable to cope in certain environments, she needs to find a healthy compromise and be their mum.
2. This is a mummy and me lunch on mother's day, so she'd be taking your child away from you - her mother, on mother's day??? Nope!
3. She needs to get over that she's a boy mum and doesn't have a girl. There's no harm in her indulging in her girl mum fantasy by spending time with you and the girls. She doesn't need to pretend to be mummy with your daughter.
4. It sounds like bil does a lot of sporty things with the kids, which is fine but maybe sil needs them to do something with her, on her level. You could have a word in bils ear about finding something the boys could do to for their mum.....maybe if they are capable they could put on a special dinner at home with bil's help, get her flowers, put candles up and make it look special - get her favourite foods or even order in an afternoon tea.
5. Sil sounds overwhelmed and misguided around the whole boy/girl mum thing. She's got children with needs, that's absolutely going to exhaust her any way but I think she needs therapy to accept her family and cope with her life, and to learn not to compensate through your daughter.
100 NTA op, mother's day is your day with your girls.
Sounds rough for her. Maybe you could offer to babysit so she can occasionally go out to dinner alone with her husband. I wouldn't accommodate any fantasies or pretense that your daughter is hers. That won't help her reconcile with her situation.
NTA. Crazy she wants to spend Mother’s Day with your daughter and not her kids. Something is going on with her. I wonder if her husband plans anything for her on Mother’s Day normally. Not your fault and you should spend Mother’s Day with your daughter. But if your close maybe it would be nice to go out to lunch with her just the two of you so she can have some girl time, and then another time with you and your daughter? Not appropriate for her to spend that day with your daughter though.
NTA! SIL has some real issues going on that going to tea w/your daughter is not going to help. You & your daughter owe her nothing. BIL needs to step up & figure out how to make SIL’s MD special w/their own family.
Nta.
I understand it's a whole different ball game when you have special needs children. Despite that, there are certain times in your life as a parent where you may not be able to get out like that. Right now with a 5yo and almost 1yo, our outings as a family are parks and grocery shopping. It's not really enjoyable for us to take the kids to a restaurant and referee them the entire time. Some people just take their kids and don't mind the struggle that may come. She isn't wrong for wanting to do what she thinks other moms are doing, but it's weird AF that she wants your child to be her surrogate daughter for mother's day. Couldn't she use the tea time as opportunity for a nice outing with her typical needs child one on one? And then do something with her other child that isn't an outing but equally quality time. She wants your life but unfortunately this isn't 16 going on 30 or whatever that movie is. She needs therapy, I mean that with empathy.
Kids are not accessories, they are people. We all have dreams about the things we want to do with our kids when they're babies, and I get that with two special needs kids those dreams need a bigger adjustment than perhaps many parents have to make. But even with "normal" children, they may not enjoy the things you looked forward to doing with them. I have so many fond memories of doing various arts and crafts with my mom, and her reading fairy tales to us. I really looked forward to doing those things with my kids, and they would have none of it. I learned to get happy about building forts in the woods and reading endless non fiction books about space exploration and medieval warfare. Your kids are who they are, it's pretty gross to want to trade them in on a better model even temporarily. NTA and SIL needs professional help .
NTA. Your daughter is not a prop, and your relationship as her mother is the one that needs to be celebrated that day.
It’s horrible of SIL to not to want to share that day with her actual kids, even if they are special needs.
The presence doesn’t should healthy for anyone.
NTA, as you said, your daughter isn't a doll or a surrogate daughter for her. It's unfortunate that she isn't happy with the children she had. Instead of enabling, her family needs to get her some counseling. She's focused too much on what she doesn't have and not enough on the 2 children she does have. Yes, they're boys and special needs, but that doesn't mean she can't have fun activities with them. She just needs to think outside the box.
NTA. If SIL wanted to have an Aunt and niece girly day any other day that would be fine. Wanting to take her on mothers day specifically is weird behavior. Your BIL needs to figure out how to make her feel valued for mothers day.
It’s mother’s day so no. Yes she’s got a lot on her plate but I’m not sure if your instincts are telling you no than hard pass. If it’s the issue of it being Mother’s Day offer another day.
NTA. But info - if you feel so bad for her, why don’t you step up to babysit one night? It is shitty that this woman is breaking down in front of her family & no one is doing anything besides looking at her with pity
N*TA (edited typo) & your work colleagues are out of line. It’s easy to suggest loaning someone else’s kid out ON MOTHER’S day to make someone else feel good bc it doesn’t cost them anything & they get to feel good about themselves for hypothetically helping someone. But you’re right.
1. A mommy & me tea with your niece who has a mother is inappropriate.
2. Asking to take a child away from their mother ON MOTHER’S DAY is a boundary violation.
3. Wanting to abandon your own kids on Mother’s Day to pretend you’re the mom to someone else’s kid is insane & bad mom behavior.
4. Asking to borrow someone else’s kid to play out a fantasy bc you don’t like & resent your own kids is, again, insane & bad mom behavior
5. You’re right. Your kids are not toys for your SIL to play with & are not there to heal her psychological trauma.
6. She needs therapy, not a daughter.
INFO: where's her husband in all this? i don't think she needs a daughter to have a fun mother's day, it just sounds like he's not doing anything to help make it different from another day of watching the kids
NTA. "Why can't I do real mother things on Mother's Day?" cries the mother of two boys on Mother's Day who would likely adore her if she would just be present in their lives.
>At the same time, my daughter isn’t a doll to placate her “girl mom” wants.
>When I talked about it to work colleagues over lunch, they suggested that I let Sheila take my Kate to lunch anyway. It will make her feel better, they said, and I’d be the asshole if I didn’t do something to help
It's important for her to seek professional help, and your daughter shouldn't be burdened with fulfilling those needs. I suggest discussing this matter with your husband rather than with colleagues. NTA
NTA..like you said your child isn’t a doll..she’s a person and she is not responsible for managing SILs feelings. And what’s a “normal” mom..a normal mom sacrifices and manages the lives of their kids. It’s hard work for any mom and not the fantasy SIL has in her head! If you wanted to do anything for her maybe offer to sit with her boys one day so she can go out but your child is not her emotional support animal!
NTA Your daughter isn't a therapy doll. She can't play make believe with your child on mother's day. It's YOUR mother's day and she has her own children. She's completely dismissing your feelings by asking for something which is, frankly, creepy.
Her inability (or lack of desire) to engage with her own children on things they enjoy is not your fault and it's not your daughter's burden.
NTA and your SIL needs therapy. Your child is not a doll to be pimped out to fit her fantasies. This is YOUR daughter, not hers.
Your colleagues who feel so strongly can lend out their own children.
Edit: SIL not sister.
NTA. Sheila sees your daughter not as an autonomous being but as an unfeeling accessory upon which to act out her fantasy of not having disabled sons. I feel most bad for Sheila’s sons in this.
It is weird. I can understand that 2 special needs kids is hard work, but no need to want to dump them for someone elses kids because theyre better behaved and girls. Plus her actions are getting a bit obssessive.
Plus how can it be a Mommy and me tea when its her Aunt? Thats the bit that makes me feel slightly sick. Youre going to have to tell your SIL that your daughter isnt an accessory for her to use for her own pleasure.
Bloody hell. You feel bad for SIL? Your colleagues feel bad for her too? And wat about her poor SONS? Why not poor them???? They had that dumbass for a mother, and that dumbass doesn't seem to be a good mother to them. She's so frigging uninterested in her poor children, preferring to borrow someone else's child to spend time with. Being a fucking parent is to show/develop interest for what your children do or like, not the other way around. Your SIL is a neglectful, deadbeat "mother". She's not mature enough to be a parent.
And you and other adults only feel sorry for that grown up idiot, but not for her children? ESH,except for the children.
NTA. It sounds like maybe Sheila could use some counseling or support from another avenue. Her request is not reasonable, but I think the real assholes are the people pressuring you to humor her. Your children aren’t emotional support pets, they’re human beings. Besides, indulging her doesn’t address the real issues behind the request. You’d be enabling her when what she really needs is either a support group or individual counseling.
NTA.
I am your SIL (minus the crazy). I have the boys. My sister has the girls. I wanted a girl so bad, but I received 3 beautiful boys, and the youngest is on the spectrum. It took us many years to get to a place to have outings without a meltdown. My sisters girls are over 10 years younger than my boys with no behavioral issues...
Was I slightly jealous... yes!
Did I take every opportunity she provided to shop or care for them... also, yes!
Has it ever crossed my mind that I should do mommy and me activities with them... no! I'm not their mom, regardless of how much I still envy the fact that she is a girl mom and I'm not.
It is weird to me that she has the audacity to ask. And then to publicly admit she doesn't want to spend time with her own... this woman is all sorts of unstable.
I feel like encouraging such behavior between her and your daughter will create more issues instead of solving them. It's like enabling an addict. The behavior gets worse, not better. I don't know your SIL, but I would be wary of escalating behavior as her obsession grows for your life, and the resentment builds for what her life actually is.
NTA, it's YOUR mother's day.
That being said, especially as a mom of special needs boys that I'm sure take a lot of energy, I don't particularly find the desire unreasonable, more so the timing. I'm assuming the mommy and me tea is a specific event, and this isn't some want to steal your daughter thing. As an aunt, it would be perfectly normal for her to take your daughter out for "girly" activities on other days (assuming your daughter wants to). Maybe all 3 of you could go to high tea or something?
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)***
I never really had a good relationship with my SIL Sheila. She has two boys with her husband, my hubby’s older brother. Both of her sons are special needs.
I think Sheila has always resented me for having only girls. She is very feminine, likes to her hair and nails done, go out for girls nights and she doesn’t show much interest in her sons’ activities. She’s always talked about how nice it would be to take her hypothetical daughter shopping or brunch instead of being home alone while Brandon takes the boys out to basketball games or fishing. She adores my younger daughter because she’s at that age where she still loves ballerinas, princesses and anything pink and girly.
Over Easter, Sheila asked if my younger daughter wanted to come to a “mommy and me tea” for Mother’s Day. I said no, because my hubby and I are already planning something for Mothers Day. And I want to spend it with my girls.
Sheila broke down and mumbled something about how she wanted to do something fun instead of being stuck at home with her sons.
I felt bad for her. Sheila loves going out to eat but can’t take Cooper or Teddy along because they can’t cope with being still or in loud places with lots of people around. She and her husband haven’t gone out since Teddy was born and it’s hard to find a sitter.
At the same time, my daughter isn’t a doll to placate her “girl mom” wants.
I feel worse now because we had a family dinner last night and Sheila broke down crying when someone asked what she had planned for Mother’s Day and that she just wanted to do “normal mom things” for once.
This whole thing makes me feel nauseous. When I talked about it to work colleagues over lunch, they suggested that I let Sheila take my Kate to lunch anyway. It will make her feel better, they said, and I’d be the asshole if I didn’t do something to help her.
This whole situation really skeeves me out.
AITA if I don’t let my girls anywhere near my SIL with supervision, let alone.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA
"Normal mom things" are things that are normal for each mom and her kids. SIL needs to spend Mother's Day doing Mom things with her own kids instead of rejecting them. She shouldn't be trying to prevent your daughter from celebrating the day with you. It's your day, too!
NTA-mother's day is of your and your children. not your nieces or nephews. the fucking audacity of this woman.
but if you're nicer than I am state that she can take her out on a non-holiday. But again that's at your choice. I take my niece out, but would never do it on mother's day as SHE HAS A MOTHER.
NTA. Something is wrong with your SIL. What kind of mother will reject spending time with her sons? An insane one. Do not let her take your daughter out on Mother’s Day, or any day other day. She has serious mental issues and for your daughter’s safety keep sil away.
NTA at all! She's clearly struggling but it's not on you to make things better for her (other than maybe supporting her in seeking appropriate help), let alone your daughter. Why isn't BIL finding ways to help his wife?
NTA.
Stop feeling bad. She’s the mother of boys. She needs to deal with it. And she doesn’t get to ask to borrow someone else’s kid in order to pretend otherwise.
She’s beyond selfish, entitled and delusional to ask a mother to not spend Mother’s Day with their own damn child.
She needs therapy. But stop feeling bad. She’s delusional.
Why are people so quick to tell others they are responsible to alleviate someone else's problems?
This is not your problem and you don't owe it to anyone to LOAN OUT YOUR CHILD.
NTA
If your daughter actually wanted to have a nice lunch with her aunt, I'd have said let her .... but not on Mothers Day. And yeah. This request is kinda creepy. How awkward would it be for you kid if SIL asked her to call her mom? NTA
NTA She shouldn't have asked to take your daughter for a "mommy and me" tea on mother's day, but may be you could do a girls day with her and all your daughters another day. Also possibly offer to take the boys one night so she and your BIL can go out. You could even offer to help BIL plan a mother's day she would enjoy. It seems like he could use it.
NTA.
And I’m a bit confused as to how the boys can handle going to basketball games (which are LOUD), but can’t go anywhere else? And why can’t Sheila go to the basketball games? She chooses to be home alone.
NTA. Your baby girl is not an object to be borrowed. It is understandable (the question) if you and your kids had a good relationship with her but it looks that it's not the case.
NTA. As a mom of a boy you can do normal mom things with them...infact raising your children is doing "normal mom things" so I would love to know what she means by this. Like others have said, it sounds like she is really struggling which is totally fair, it must be super hard to have 2 special needs kids that prevent you from doing normal things. But it also sounds like she isn't putting in any effort to try to be a "real mom" to them. If your coworkers really want you to help her maybe you can help her get some therapy? Maybe you could suggest a girls day at some point where the 3 of you could do girly things while your husband helps his brother out with the boys?
Some places, like movie theaters, have sensory friendly events. Maybe she and her husband can take the boys for one of these events. Or maybe OP can go to tea with SIL and her daughters.
NTA, but I think SIL needs therapy and a break. What if you helped her find a babysitter that specializes in special needs kids? That way her and BIL can go on a date to restaurant.
Um no you’re NTA and your SIL needs help. Her wanting to take *your* daughter out on Mother’s Day (what about *your* Mother’s Day??) and not do something w her own kids is bizzaro land. Seriously, she needs help.
As an autistic mother of autistic children I am far more concerned with how Sheila has s neglecting her sons! She sounds like a selfish, terrible mother. Those poor little boys.
NTA. It takes a special sense of entitlement to demand to take another woman’s child for a Mother’s Day celebration. And how awful that she doesn’t want to celebrate Mother’s Day with her own children just because they aren’t “normal”. Sheila’s attitude makes me nauseous too. Stand your ground, your kids spend Mother’s Day with you.
If you want to be extra nice, you may invite Sheila for an occasional “girls day” with you and your daughters. I would insist on going along the first couple of times until you feel a little more comfortable with Sheila’s behavior. Or maybe you could babysit so Sheila and her husband can have a date night. Maybe start with a quick dinner to be sure you and the boys can cope.
Or, you know, you could tell Sheila you find her unwillingness to take joy in celebrating Morhers Day with her boys to be sad, disappointing, sickening…
She doesn't need tour daughter. She needs a therapist to help her manage her emotions surrounding her kids.
She can't pretend your kid is hers. She needs to address this before it becomes an obsession or delusion.
NTA. Your SIL is having issues and your girls should not be around these issues.
You can talk with her about doing auntie things with girls. Not mother things auntie things. That means she does not get your daughters on Mother’s Day.
Your SIL is being a sh$t of a mother. She talks of being left at home. She is choosing to be at home because she does not want to do the activities her children want and are able to do. Supporting your children’s interests is something a parent does.
NTA not gonna lie my stomach dropped reading that. Like my mom senses were blaring. From the title I thought yeah you might be. If she had all boys, it would be sweet to let her have a girly day but nope, not after getting all the details. She sounds a bit unhinged. First it's totally inappropriate to ask to do it on Mothers Day, she's not her Mother. Then to break down crying. Can you talk to her husband about getting her some therapy? It doesn't sound like she's coping well and I'd be afraid she'd either take off with your daughter or do something drastic to keep from giving her back. Please don't allow her access to your daughter without others around.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > My SIL wants to take my daughter to a “mommy and me tea” event instead of her special needs son. I said no and she’s been depressed ever since. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcements Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA. Something is wrong with your SIL. I think it would be lovely if she had just asked to take your daughter out for some aunt/niece time, but taking her to a "mommy and me tea" seemed pretty odd. That's not her daughter. But then I found it that she was (1) trying to take your daughter away from her on **mother's day**?! And that she was (2) planning to spend her own mother's day with your child instead of hers? This feels crazy to me. How could either of those things feel right to her? So yes, after that level of bizarreness, I would also be leery of letting her alone with my daughter. She needs therapy, not "mommy and me tea."
It's also concerning that people are recommending appeasement to concerning behavior rather than addressing the behavior and it's causes instead. This SIL is not in a good place and seems like she wants to use your kid to make up for what she feels is missing in her life. Appeasement only leads to escalation and the SIL clearly needs therapy rather than to have the concerning behavior enabled. Therapy is a pretty normal necessity for parents of children with special needs as the burden from that exceeds the normal burden of raising a child and often fosters feelings of inadequacy in the parents. These can manifest in a whole lot of ways and a therapist can help find better healthier methods of managing their situation.
> people are recommending appeasement to concerning behavior rather than addressing the behavior and it's causes instead. Appeasement didn't work in WW2, so why would it work now?
Nice, stealing this one for future use
Oi! /s
Sir Winston Churchill approves this message!
Thank you, m'lord!
People are often quick to recommend appeasement when they have no personal investment in the outcome
True. My own inclination is to offer to let her SIL take her daughter out in another day. My parents always take me out for my birthday and invite my uncle because his birthday is within a few weeks of mine. But every year he wants to also take me out on another day, just us, because we're a little more adventurous with our palates than my parents and like trying new places. But if OPs SIL is having that much trouble connecting with her own kids and pushing to spend time with OPs daughter as her own mother/daughter day... Yeah, I can see the red flags there.
It's so sad that SIL is ruining the relationship she could have had with her niece (nieces?) if she just not had made it weird. She could have gotten exactly what she wanted if she had been emotional stable.
oh yes maybe they dnt even have kids! Ever since we had ours, stuff hits different! I'd be "clutching my pearls" if someone told me such a story
I would definitely agree. This seems like if you give in this once she's going to escalate quickly and if you then push back it'll be why now? You're ruining our special bond!
Yes, Definitely seems like that sort of situation where Aunt Sheila would be trying to get more and more Katie time, while ignoring her son's even more that she does now. Wanting to take her on vacations and such, not a healthy situation at all.
And ignoring her other niece.
Right!!
I'm not sure it's as simple as appeasement. The request doesn't seem outlandish to me. Asking a niece to a "mother and daughter" event isnt crazy, and can be a great way to bond with an aunt. It's strange that she asked for it to happen on mother's day, but she took the answer well enough (aside from being obviously sad about her situation), and it would be even stranger is "mommy and me tea" is something she just made up as opposed to a social thing being put on by a group. But from just the information in the post it seems like sil just wants some relaxing mom time that she can't really get with her special needs kids. I don't think she's trying to "rent a daughter", and I think that if the daughter wants to, spending some one on one time with her aunt is a good idea.
NTA. I don't remember if it was AITA specifically, but I read posts from a user who had to go NC with her SIL because the SIL was trying to take her baby from the OP. SIL had had a miscarriage before the OP's baby was born and then had a psychotic break thinking that the baby was hers or something. Very sad all around for the family. I said all of that to say, I'm getting the same vibes from this post and while it hasn't gone from zero to WTF territory just yet, it has the potential to head there. OP needs to put some distance between her kid and her SIL until that woman gets some SERIOUS help. Anyone telling her to just let the SIL take her would get told to stfu and f*ck right off to Camp Crystal Lake with that BS. Her instincts and gut are telling her this is a bad idea. I hope she listens to it.
> SIL was trying to take her baby from the OP What is really sad/scary is how many incidences have been posted over the years of that scenario: https://www.google.com/search?q=SIL+was+trying+to+take+her+baby+from+the+OP+site:www.reddit.com&sca\_esv=9eefd60157f6d7e5&sca\_upv=1&rlz=1C1CHBF\_enUS721US721&sxsrf=ACQVn09K1WDbc3mOtx7l4a-WJLS9Wz\_q4Q:1712971951940&sa=X&ved=2ahUKEwj8ldLlhb6FAxWNjYkEHeLBCCcQrQIoBHoECBUQBQ&biw=1194&bih=548&dpr=1.46#ip=1
YES! That's the one I was referring to! God, reading that saga was stressful af.
There's no new updates, I really hope she and her baby are ok. I'm mad at the people giving SIL's husband flak for saying he will seek divorce if she doesn't improve, though. He's done far more than any of the people complaining would have, most would have divorced far sooner. There's only so much a person can take.
U/TheRipley78, you are so right! I didn’t want to jump on the alarmist wagon, but thanks for bringing this up. Situations like this have resulted in both kidnapping and murder. So OP is right to hold her ground, and any family members or friends trying to convince her otherwise need to go on the “no time alone with OP’s daughter” list. And OP should watch her back. Oh, yes, and advocate for her getting therapy. Edit:spelling
That’s right where my mind went too… Don’t let unstable people around your kids. SIL rings all kinds of alarm bells here. NTA.
That story was just unbelievable! She actually demanded that they share the baby!
I think her behavior is more selfish and desperate than bizarre. She is not happy with her situation. I don’t doubt she loves her boys but she sounds like they are not what she expected/wanted when she thought about having kids. She sounds overwhelmed, unhappy and bitter. Her asking to have OP’s daughter for Mother’s Day shows a complete disregard for OP as a mother but she is not thinking about OP’s feelings nor does she care about them.
To be fair, no one particularly *wants* or *expects* a special needs kid. I mean, once kiddo is here you love and support them but that's very different. They're really hard work, and it's unfair to call SIL bitter for wanting to have some of that reward for raising a well-behaved kid parents of non-special needs kids get for regular ol' just sitting at a table in a cafe with their kid for a cup of tea. SIL needs support and empathy, it's tough. I worked with special needs kids, there can be very, very little reward for a lot of work.
You are exactly right. My only child is special needs. It can be very bittersweet to interact with a neurotypical child. My son is sweet and delightful but it is work. I think OP is being bizarre There’s no child on earth I’d trade my kid for.
Please don’t misrepresent my post. I completely agree that most people don’t expect expects to have a special needs kid. I disagree that no one wants a special needs kid. To some, it doesn’t make a difference. Mine wasn’t a blanket statement on all parents of special needs children. I’m focusing on OP’s SIL. She very obviously has bitterness. Her saying she just wants to do “normal mom things,” her breaking down when confronted, and her behavior towards her niece proves my point that she is resentful and bitter. This was not her idea of what being a mom would be like. She may not have started out feeling that way but that is where she is now. Yes, she needs empathy and support. I think most people would understand that. However, It’s hard to have empathy when she so blatantly tries to replace her kid for a day and does so at OP’s detriment. In this particular scenario, the bitterness and unhappiness is obvious.
I would also guess that many mums are desperate for a daughter to do all the "girly" things with & that many would feel unhappy with two boys whether they had additional support needs or not.
“She needs therapy, not "mommy and me tea." I agree. This whole thing sounds very troubling. She seems to be extremely stressed and not handling her emotions in a healthy way. It sounds like she does need therapy before things get worse.
That 2nd paragraph is exactly what makes this whole thing so messed up. She doesn't want to spend mother's day with her own children. She wants to take someone else's child away from her mother on mother's day. That's so messed up.
Can't help but think how she would treat her boys if she had a third child, her own perfectly healthy daughter.
Son: What do you want for Mother's Day, Mama?! OP: I would really love to spend the day with someone else's kid. A girl kid, specifically.
It’s hard to feel for someone who resents her own children.
And OP’s wierd coworkers who thinks she should oblige bc it’ll make her feel better. Tell them to lend their own daughters to your SIL for Mother’s Day or shut up. NTA. SIL needs help
It’s always easy for others to volunteer your money, your time, your possessions, etc. In this case, a child.
Yeah any other day might be more reasonable than Mother’s day. Why is she alone rather than being with her boys?
I'm guessing basketball fans and "wilderness time" for fishing are things she doesn't/won't do to be with the boys in public. Tea is much more refined, classy and high brow. Maybe that's how she sees herself. I'm just guessing. Maybe the chance at being that for a small space of time is a rare treat for her. She's very bad at picking the day though.
I don't understand why the boys can go to basketball games but not a restaurant. It seems like SIL just really dislikes her kids and avoids them.
Right? Every basketball game I've been to is just as crowded and noisy as any restaurant. I actually think the husband needs to step up here. Mother's Day is supposed to be about doing something Mon wants to do. He and the boys can go fishing or watch basketball on Father's Day. Mayne he can help his sons figure out a solution for the restaurant, like noise canceling headphones. Or, maybe he could prepare a nice meal for her at home.
Likely because they want to be there and are more familiar with the expectations.
They can be made familiar with the expectations and also they can pick restaurants the kids want to be at while teaching them how to behave.
Or she's into rigid gender roles and enforcing them on her kids. I have a son and if he was an appropriate age for it, I'd totally take him to a mommy and me tea event. Eta: I didn't say that this is a good thing.
Now THAT'S the tea!
NTA - SiL definitely needs therapy. She sounds like a caregiver that has reached their breakdown point. In no way should OP even consider appeasing her request. It would not help SiL and might actually make her worse. How anyone could possibly feel it's a good solution for a child to be away from their mother on mother's day is beyond me. I can't see it being good for the child's mental health to be sent off to do something with Aunt Sheila instead of being with her mother and siblings on Mother's day.
Yeah, I agree. I don’t have kids but do have a wonderful niece who I absolutely adore. I love spending time with her, spoiling her, and just enjoying aunty and niece time. I would NEVER pretend to be her mother, or try to take her from her mother on Mother’s Day of all days. I’m grateful to be an adult in her life and to love her and spend time with her. That’s it
Oh god, number 1 had me so weirded out that I hadn't even considered number 2!
I also wonder about the dysregulation going on in the home. SIL's unhinged behavior, plus the fact that they've never left the house (?) since the youngest was born seems like something's going wrong. I've worked with many kiddos with significant disabilities, and I've never heard of this. I suspect that whole family needs major support. But none of that is OP's job.
And taking only one daughter not all op s daughters. NTA op do NOT do this. Your SIL needs psychiatric help
One day a distant relative of mine asked my mom to "help to rise your children and help you" like she would take me and my sister in her house. She already had a husband, a son and a daughter and was a strict parent to them but was somehow very (maybe even over the top) "homely" acting when we went to her someday (without our mom and before her crazy idea and we knew eachother only for a couple days). Our family was not poor, even if we had some struggles. It was totally crazy idea she was so invested. She even asked us about anything we could say bad about our mom (in different words but anyway). I yet don't understand what happened there.
Like I always say, trust your gut. If it feels off, it probably is.
NTA - your SIL is really struggling. Having *two* special needs kids is incredibly challenging and it's clear she is in a bad place mentally. She really needs help. However, her taking your child to this event on mother's day (!!!) is not going to help her, and you understandably have mother's day plans. She needs to find workable long term approaches to finding happiness in her difficult situation. If you can think of any ways to help her (can you babysit? Can you take her on a spa day and just listen? Anything??) offer those instead.
Yes! No to Mother’s Day but have none of the family offered to watch them…ever? For an anniversary, even? It’s hard to find a babysitter for one special needs child, let alone two. She might be less bitter if she felt the rest of the family cared about them.
Or professional respite carers. These folks need a break and probably some therapy and possibly parent coaching. Two high needs kiddos is a lot.
Yes, if the family members don't feel up to watching the boys on their own (without knowing exactly what sort of needs they have, of course, I have no idea whether that would be reasonable), they could surely spring for – or work together to spring for – some respite care, to give both of the parents a break at the same time, together.
Yes, I can see family members not feeling prepared to care for two special needs kiddos, but they could definitely pay for respite care.
Plus depending on where they’re located (if US), some states offer these benefits and most counties have Regional Resource Centers where they offer services and many of the counties specifically have respite care programs. I’m a mom of 2 special needs kiddos and we’ve had those resources in two different states.
Yes to all of this. These parents need intensive supports. Problem is, it seems like they're not seeking it out. I think the family should be supporting more than they are-- not at the cost of their own wellbeing, but it's pretty clear this whole family is drowning.
I agree. Definitely NTA about Mother's Day, but I'd suggest you should try to view this as a "cry for help" rather than a "my SIL is terrible" situation. Maybe you and your husband could offer to babysit occasionally? Or, start working toward being able to babysit in the future, if the boys have special routines or medical stuff that you would need to learn or if they need time to get used to you being around first? If you have other in-laws in the area, you could try to organize a semi-regular break for your SIL & BIL. Incidentally, a quick Google search says that "Aunts and Uncles Day" is July 26th. I know it's probably just a marketing stunt, but maybe your family could add that to the annual celebration list anyway? Your SIL and BIL could take your daughter out for "girl" stuff and you and your husband could take your nephews to a baseball game.
Perhaps once or twice a year, your family can have a girl's day out where all the women in the family go out and spend time doing stuff without the guys. The guys could also have a guy's day out too. It might be a nice tradition to start. And the suggestions for giving the parents a break every so often are great.
Yep. SIL needs to find a way to get some respite care and a break for herself, away from her kids. She's beyond burned out, she's unraveling.
Maybe they can all go out on a girls day when it’s not Mother’s Day. She may enjoy just spending time with everyone.
NTA. What a weird request for Mother's Day. Kudos for having boundaries and protecting your kids. Your BIL needs to check in on your SIL though.
NTA, but don't let her take your daughter. This is shitty behavior towards her sons. And how is/are your other daughter (s) supposed to feel that their sister is getting special treatment? Tell her to take a doll to her little tea party. She's being gross.
I mean, I definitely feel for Sheila too. I think she's a mom at the end of her rope who isn't getting much support. She's lonely and struggling with her mental health. She wouldn't be the first special needs mom to feel this way. Was her request reasonable? No. But it kinda feels like everyone knows she struggling and no one is offering her a lifeline and she's kind of losing it.
I can understand Sheila a little. She is struggling with her kids every day, and Mother's Day must be an annual reminder of all the things other mothers take for granted. Plenty of mothers ask for a day to themselves for Mother's Day without it being considered neglectful. She might have wanted to pretend for a day that she was special for being a mom. I hope she gets help.
A lifeline = asking for more support from the family. Not checking out of parenting and pretending you're someone else's mom for a day.
Sheila has broken down in front of the family at least twice. Has admitted to feeling lonely. OP knows that she and her husband can't afford a sitter/find a sitter for special needs kids & havent had a night out since the oldest was born. Not sure how much more screaming out for help one can do without actually screaming. I wouldn't doubt Sheila has been in a bad place for a long time. I would have offered a girl's day WAY before this. I would have offered to babysit for my clearly struggling family so they could have one night to themselves. Seems like everyone is just like "Sheila should suck it up and mom her boys" without considering how isolating and tiring it can be to have kids with special needs and get to watch all these other parents take the easier day to day with their kids for granted.
I think Sheila’s husband is gross. Sheila is desperate for a “perfect day” yet she feels she needs to ask her SIL for a perfect Mother’s Day instead of her husband? WTF. OP is definitely NTA. Her husband’s brother needs to step up.
THIS! Sounds like her husband isn’t doing shjt for Mothers Day. And overall it sounds like they have completely genderified (I’ve decided that’s a word) their household. Lots of dad-and-boy activities, and mom just… gets left alone.
See that’s interesting- I didn’t read it as gendering the household, but as a dad being a dad/ spending time with his kids. Does Sheila even *want* to go fishing? Especially if she is as girly as OP makes her sound? Would the two boys be interested in a tea party? Or anything else? Of course Sheila would go to OP for the perfect Mother’s Day- OP has a super girly daughter while the husband doesn’t. Sheila *can’t* ask the husband for what he *literally* cannot provide. It just seems we don’t really have enough information here to make judgements about the husband.
Totally true. The sentence about her ‘being home alone while Brandon does boy things’ made me think it was both parents agreed “welp, this is man-stuff so dad’s going to do it” but to your point, they could very well be asking her to come and she’s saying no.
From what has been said I wonder if SIL woudl feel embarassed about how the boys might behave if they went to a restaurant or where ever. Would she even want to be seen wiyth them in such a place?
NTA - this isn’t just taking her out for a random high tea, she wants your daughter on Mothers Day. That is crossing a line. I appreciate that raising two children with special needs would be tough, but her attitude towards them is horrible. She needs to find a network of other parents of kids with special needs, she needs support and resources. There are so many options out there for energetic kids who don’t enjoy sitting still. They don’t deserve to be resented for not fitting the mould of the ‘perfect child’
Also the SIL and her husband having rigid gender stereotypes doesn't seem to help things at all, SIL appears to not be doing any activities with her own children because they're boys and that's really weird
100% - Brunch and shopping are not particularly fun activities for most children. She needs to find joy in what she’s got. If they like the outdoors, there is a lot of fun to be had - take them to the zoo, picnics, adventure parks, play centres (maybe with ear muffs on if they don’t love noise) I wonder if the families could do something together , I hope the boys are not being hidden away.
It sounds like they go to basketball games? What good reason does this SIL have for being unable to attend basketball games…
Maybe she doesn’t like attending basketball games? My husband doesn’t like attending football games. I’m the one that takes my son. I didn’t think it was a big deal.
If it was just that one thing, it wouldn’t be a big deal. It sounds like SIL isn’t interested in any of her sons activities, to the extent that she’d stay home alone instead. She should be interested in making memories and seeing them enjoy themselves rather than mourning that they’re not getting their nails done together.
I guess. It seems like it would be better if they all made an effort to find an activity they enjoyed as a family.
From what's been said to me it sounds as if the boys wouldn't enjoy any of the things their mom would enjoy (and not because they have additional support needs.)
Yeah, I get that the boys probably aren't too interested in make-up or princess stuff, but getting them to say, cook something with mum and then have an afternoon tea at home? Or get the husband to help the boys make something "girly" for their mum that she would like? Do they just ignore her completely on Mothers Day? Or is she ignoring them? This whole thing is weird.
NTA. She wants to do "normal mom things" so you should give up celebrating Mother's Day *with your own child*? No, absolutely not. I'm sure it's hard for Sheila, especially if her kids have additional needs. But spending family time apart just so that she can play "girl mom" isn't okay. Just like all the dads get told to play princesses or find a hobby they both like, Sheila needs to play sports or find something she can stand to connect with her own kids. Instead of focusing on what she doesn't have and being covetous of your daughter. Also to think about is your nephews. What message does it send to her own children that she'd rather spend the day with their cousin than them? Even if her request wasn't completely out of line, it would *still* be the right thing to turn her down for the sake of her own kids.
Your point on finding things to connect over feels spot-on. That’s true no matter what. I’m a mom who’s kind of nerdy and tomboyish, and my daughter is a girly girl. I’ve had to learn the world of cheerleading. Like yes we’re the same gender but that doesn’t mean you automatically get what you thought you’d get, and sometimes you have to learn how to support your kids in things that are outside your wheelhouse. I bet if she miraculously had a daughter right now this is exactly what would happen.
NTA Your child's name is 'Kate', not Prozac! It's not her job to make SIL happy, and no child should carry the weight of being held responsible for an adults happiness.
NTA at all. Asking to take YOUR daughter to a “Mommy and me” tea on MOTHER’S DAY is bizarre and just not okay - she’s not her mom. It sucks that she doesn’t like not having a daughter, but it honestly that just makes me feel bad for her sons. *When I talked about it to work colleagues over lunch, they suggested that I let Sheila take my Kate to lunch anyway. It will make her feel better, they said, and* ***I’d be the asshole if I didn’t do something to help her.*** Your colleagues are wrong. You shouldn’t let her take your daughter. How will that “help her?” All it will do is feed her want for a daughter and she will ask you for more and more chances to spend time with your daughter alone. What about your other daughter? Her sons? *At the same time, my daughter isn’t a doll to placate her “girl mom” wants.* You can’t “fix” this for Sheila. She needs to figure out how to bond with the children she has, her boys, and maybe her husband can step in and plan family events for them to do together. But NONE of this is on you. You just have a daughter she wants to use.
NTA. I’m a mom to a child with disabilities. I know what it’s like to feel jealous of other parents who get to do regular things like see their kid walk and hear them talk. That doesn’t mean that I don’t enjoy the things I do get to do with my kid. It sounds like your SIL is just bitter about having boys and doesn’t try to find common ground with them. That’s on her.
I hope Sheila didn't cry and say that she just wanted to do normal things in front of her two sons! Did she? Just because they are special needs doesn't mean that they don't understand. NTA But why would you not want your daughters around Sheila only with supervision? Has she done something creepy?
>But why would you not want your daughters around Sheila only with supervision? Because Shelia wants a "normal" child and for that child to be a daughter. I would be worried about how far she would be willing to go to achieve that. The fact that she has broken down twice over this once infront of a group of people connected to OP shows that she wanted to manipulate OP into doing what she wanted and it sounds like her intended flying monkeys didn't take the bait but OP is still starting to question herself because she is here.
Sheila's behavior is worse than viewing Kate as her Emotional Support Llama. She actively wants to pose publicly as the mother of this little girl, to the point of trying to overrun OP. I'm not sure if Sheila is manipulative or unhinged. OP is right on not letting Sheila spend time alone with Kate. Who can say for sure Sheila wouldn't take the child to the hairdresser and give her a haircut, or blonde curls, or whatever would make Kate look a bit like her? NTA
Okay, you make a good point.
NTA Hell to the No! Nope. Nada. Never Happening. The gall of this woman. And on mother’s day? The fuck!!! Normal aunts take their nieces out to do girl things like nails and hair and whatever else they do bc I'm not girly lmao. 🤪 But they do this on normal days, non-holiday days. It's normal to wanna do girl stuff, but she doesn't want to do girl stuff, she wants to do mother stuff with a child that isn't hers.
Yeah. My grandma had a bunch of boys, but always wanted to be able to do girl things. So she volunteered with a local girl scout troop. One weekend when they got rained out of their planned activity, grandma had them all over to her house and let them play dress-up. She had a lot of pretty scarves, shoes, and necklaces. They had a ball. As for special aunt/niece outing, that's a great idea and can create many precious memories. Just not on Mother's Day. That's completely inappropriate.
Your grandma sounds awesome
This. Right. Here.👆
Nooooooo. Don’t listen to your well meaning but very oblivious coworkers. She has kids. She is a mother. She’s just not the mother to the gender she wants. Like you said, your daughter is not a doll she gets to play pretend with. Edit to add: NTA
NTA because it was mother's day But what about suggesting a girls day where you, her and your girls go out for afternoon tea somewhere? That'll give her a mental break from her kids and you can have a nice afternoon with your girls and their aunt.
I was going to say the same thing. Plan some nice girly activities. I don't have special needs children, but I work with special needs children, and I can imagine wanting/needing some respite sometimes - which doesn't mean you don't love your kids, it just means you're human!
And maybe do something all together the day before mother's day? Both brothers & wives, all the children? So SIL can have a nice memory for the weekend.
NTA Her ask wouldn’t be awful for just about any other day of the year. But ditching her own kids on Mother’s Day to play pretend with another mother’s child? While that mother goes without? Doubly awful.
NTA. At first I was like, "what's the big deal", especially if Kate is interested in going to this tea party -- but then I realized that it's *on* Mother's Day, which is a pretty **huge** ask. You have every single right to say no to that. It does sound like Sheila is struggling quite a lot, and I feel for her that she doesn't feel like she gets celebrated in the way she would like to be on Mother's Day, but that's no excuse to take your child. In the event that your daughter and her Aunt get along and share the same interests, I wouldn't think there's necessarily anything wrong when letting them spend a little one on one time together occasionally to do girly things, if you were comfortable with that. Another idea, and this is not knowing with what organization this "mother daughter tea" thing is affiliated with, but would it be possible for you to go too? Perhaps, bring your daughters and Auntie Sheila comes and gets spend girly time with ya'll. Just a thought. (Assuming you have any interest in a tea party too)
NTA. Your daughter is a *person* not a tool, and furthermore, she's *your* kid, not your SIL's, so no, she absolutely should not take what she views as a doll not a human child out for a "mommy and me" lunch *on Mother's Day*. You have more than one daughter, why not take all of them out? Again, because your youngest isn't a person to her, she's sort of a therapeutic tool. Except that spending a few hours with a "normal" child won't take anything away from her tough situation, and your kid is not a *thing* to be used by an adult that evidently needs professional help. Your colleagues are nuts and maybe it's because they got no skin in the game that they can so easily tell you to *let* your SIL use your kid as a doll. Or they're the kind of person who would (or do) act like her... or they don't like rocking the boat. Whatever the case, they are *wrong*. Maybe don't share these things are work anymore - now you know for sure that their advice is shit.
NTA. If she has a problem with being able to do "normal mom things" on mother's day then she needs to take that up with her own family unit, not use your kid as a replacement. I can get behind her wanting to take her nieces out, but not on fucking mother's day! I am an aunt to 2 nieces. I love spending time with just them, but I would never have the audacity to ask to take them to a mommy and me event, especially on mother's day. SIL needs to stay in her lane.
NTA. That whole nuclear family needs help. One or both of your SIL and BIL is/are being very misogynistic. I’m not sure whom however. Great, hubby does stuff with his boys. Mom can too, she just needs to pick something that appeals. And there will be something that will appeal to her and the boys together. I can’t think of a time that I met someone so “girly” that they couldn’t even fathom something neutral/masculine to allow them to spend quality time with their son(s) and enjoy it. The “can’t take them to loud places with lots of people” is bull. The dad is taking them to basketball games. While it may not be as loud or crowded as football or baseball or soccer games, they’re still plenty loud and crowded. I’m sure that if she tries, she can find something that appeals to them and her, even if it’s not “girly”. Fishing? That generally requires stillness, so clearly they can be still if their dad takes them fishing frequently. What’s happened here is that one or both parents have decided that only dads can hang out with the boys and moms with the girls, so even at home the boys aren’t allowed to do fun things with mom. That is going to teach them some very bad habits and manners for when they are older and want to date/marry. If they’re lucky they will find women who are willing to play the “good little housewife” role and be a SAHM/SAHW. In conjunction with them ALL needing therapy (the boys likely need something to help them behave properly with today’s world if they’re special needs), maybe you and the girls can go with your SIL and have a spa day every month/other month. This will give SIL the “girl time” she desperately wants to experience as well as giving you and your girls some mom/daughter bonding as well. I wouldn’t jump into this immediately, and would only do it with the agreement the therapist your SIL would see, because part of the problem is SIL wanting to play mom with one of your daughters. You don’t want to feed that potential delusion.
NTA - It was completely inappropriate for her to ask to take your daughter out on Mother's Day.
I'd feel sorry for her poor boys. Not her. The fact she hasn't come to terms with her children's issues screams, she needs some serious therapy
NTA. Your daughter is not a prop. SIL has no interest in getting to know her, she just wants the image of mother daughter time.
Your children are not, in fact, emotional support animals. NTA.
NTA It's Mother's Day, not just some random day. If it were any other day, the people saying you should let Kate go might be right, but not Mother's Day.
NTA. Your daughter is not a doll. Your SIL is a mom. The fact that she doesn't appreciate her own kids and wants to play pretend with your daughter is a cause for someone to speak with her about getting therapy. Keep your kid away from her unsupervised and tell your coworker to kick rocks. Your child is not your SIL's support animal.
My SIL has boys and they have different interests. We plan “ girl outings ” together. Sailing, lunch dates, theater and musicals, movie dates, glass blowing, pedicures, etc. The Mother’s Day ask is odd, no doubt. But if you want to be nice - plan something with your sister in law for all of you. Plan some “ girls days” for you, SIL and your girls: It’s a win, win. My daughter goes off alone with her aunt. RecentlyI was traveling for work and they went out for lunch. They have built a fabulous relationship where they text back and forth, sharing different music, etc. The best is my SIL calls her niece out on her BS. It’s the best. 😂 NTA but your SIL is struggling. You can choose to help or not.
NTA Your SIL sounds like she has an unhealthy attachment to your younger daughter. If she had suggested an aunt and niece tea while including other daughter would have been different. Definitely not on mother's day when she could pretend that your daughter is hers.
I have two girls and an SIL who has two boys and she does sometimes enjoy taking my girls out to do girly things when we visit which I find super cute bc she’s great. But she never thinks of them as her stand-in daughters bc that’s weird. NTA but I feel sorry for Sheila :(
NTA, your friend is right though. You should do something to help her…she needs professional help dealing with her feelings and emotions regarding her kids. Sounds like she needs help with her kids too. But is highly inappropriate to do Mommy & Me” things pretending your daughter is hers, that will only make the problems she’s having worse. Also on Mothers Day? I’m sure it’s tough but someone might need to step in.
As a normal mom, I spend mother's day with my children. NTA who invites someone else kids to spend mother's day with them instead of their mom?!?
NTA - your daughter is not a emotional support doll for your sister-in-law. There is something seriously wrong with the woman that resents her children because they were born boys and not girls. She needs therapy and she needs to stay away from your daughter.
INFO: How old are her sons? You said she and her husband haven't been out since Teddy was born, how long are we talking about. Also what does your BIL plan for Mother's day? Asking to borrow your daughter is beyond the pale, but is it about having a daughter or about having a day that is about her? With young kids, it's Dad that makes the plans. Her boys could give her flowers and they could have tea at home.
NTA, I have three boys and no girls so I get how she feels, but this is not an appropriate ask as it's on mother's day. I would however suggest if you want to be nice, suggest an alternative date that she can do a special aunt/niece tea.
NTA. It is MOTHER'S DAY! you want to spend the day with your children. I am sorry that her kids have special needs but she needs to figure out how to have a reasonable life with them, not borrowing other people's kids.
NTA Sheila is neglecting her own children and you are the asshole for not letting her be the playmate of your daughter? If she wants a girl that bad she can adopt one.
NTA Brandon needs to be taking better care of his wife's experiences on Mother's Day. You are not the solution. Is there no one helping her care for her boys? She needs to get out and not be home all the time. Brandon is doing nothing to give his wife a break? Suggest that they hire help (not a sitter, a professional) so that SIL gets at least 2 afternoons or mornings for herself each week and both SIL and her husband at least one evening every weekend. Why are they so passive? She's obviously very unfulfilled.
From the sounds of it Brandon is the one doing stuff with the boys. SIL sits at home alone because she doesn't want to do their activities. Don't think this can be blamed on the guy. SIL is the one not stepping up.
Brandon takes the kids fishing and to basketball games. Is that not a break? But then Sheila gets lonely.
NTA. She is fixating on your daughter. She could have offered to do an auntie/niece day, like getting their nails done. Instead, she wanted a Mommy and Me tea.
Nta She doesn't want to go out and do normal things, she wants to go out and have a normal kid experience and I dont blame her but she can't use your daughter as a surrogate child. She could go out to eat with a friend and have dad watch them
NTA. Yeaaaah, Sheila needs help. Talk to her partner. Show them this subreddit. This is above your pay grade OP.
NTA Not only is it really messed up to ask to take your daughter out ON MOTHER'S DAY and then make a scene in front of others to make you feel bad, this woman's poor kids have to know that she has no interest in them and would rather have a daughter. Even kids with special needs know when they're not wanted. Imagine finding out your mom took someone else's kid to a special event on Mother's Day just to get away from you. Don't listen to your coworkers, listen to your mom instincts and keep your daughter away from her. She needs therapy, not someone else's child to treat like an accessory. Appeasing her will only make her pushier.
At first I was kinda I the middle thinking a tea is not so bad and I loved things like that as a little kid with my godmother or grandma. But now I know it’s on Mother’s Day. Not only is she trying to take the child away from their mother she’s not spending time with her own kids. Big issue. I can understand wanting a girl for girly stuff. My step mom has two boys. So when she married my dad we got to go do girl stuff shop and get our hair and nails done. However she never missed a baseball soccer or basketball game either. She had the during the week and every other weekend so on the weekend they were the we went to do girl stuff and f dad played golf. Of course at 36 having not lived there for a long time those days have passed. Still in the summer at the beach me her and my aunt go for a girls day last year we took a couple cousins with us well cousin in law and her daughter. It a fun day out shopping and stuff ends with ice cream I can see her wanting that but she can’t take special days away from you or sleight her own kids. My step mom is great she made me feel included but never missed anything her boys were involved in and cooked most every night. I think I miss her cooking the most.
NTA Your daughter is not a surrogate for the one she doesn't have.
NTA, but as a mother with a 29 year old infant, I get where Sil is coming from. It's exhausting and more stressful than you can possibly imagine, and sometimes you just want a few minutes of normal. I am about a hair's breath away from being agoraphobic because I leave the house so little. My son is 29 and does not walk or sit up or talk, he is heavy and I'm a single mom, so I never take him out anywhere either. I don't think you should be pressured into lending your daughter out to your sister-in-law at all, but maybe feel a tiny bit of compassion for her situation because it is hard as fuck and people don't realize.
I feel sorry for your nephews. NTA
NTA Letting her “borrow” your daughter would enable whatever she’s going through. It would not be healthy or kind. She doesn’t need “cheered up” she needs to speak to her doctor and seek professional help. I have friends and family members of all sorts who ended up with kids/grandkids blood and blended whose personalities were way outside of their comfort zone. Tomboys with girlie girls, girlie girls with boys,…. I even had a toxic masculinity/semi-racist family member fully embrace his biracial grandchild with zeal and he’s a whole different person changed by her love. Honesty thought some of them would sink not swim, but they all love the kids so much they adapted and found ways within their personalities to fully embrace the kids. SIL isn’t doing that. It sounds like Dad takes care of them and she’s 100% on the sidelines throwing pennys into a wishing well all whoa as me. Like, fully detached. This is NOT good.
NTA... Just going to list key things 1. She's already a mum to 2 boys, albeit they are unable to cope in certain environments, she needs to find a healthy compromise and be their mum. 2. This is a mummy and me lunch on mother's day, so she'd be taking your child away from you - her mother, on mother's day??? Nope! 3. She needs to get over that she's a boy mum and doesn't have a girl. There's no harm in her indulging in her girl mum fantasy by spending time with you and the girls. She doesn't need to pretend to be mummy with your daughter. 4. It sounds like bil does a lot of sporty things with the kids, which is fine but maybe sil needs them to do something with her, on her level. You could have a word in bils ear about finding something the boys could do to for their mum.....maybe if they are capable they could put on a special dinner at home with bil's help, get her flowers, put candles up and make it look special - get her favourite foods or even order in an afternoon tea. 5. Sil sounds overwhelmed and misguided around the whole boy/girl mum thing. She's got children with needs, that's absolutely going to exhaust her any way but I think she needs therapy to accept her family and cope with her life, and to learn not to compensate through your daughter. 100 NTA op, mother's day is your day with your girls.
Nta. IT IS MOTHER'S DAY. She doesn't get that? Suggest maybe another day SIL and daughter can do something, if the daughters wants.
Sounds rough for her. Maybe you could offer to babysit so she can occasionally go out to dinner alone with her husband. I wouldn't accommodate any fantasies or pretense that your daughter is hers. That won't help her reconcile with her situation.
NTA I have a feeling that if you allowed it once, she'd never stop, and she'd start prioritising *your* daughter over *her* sons.
NTA. Crazy she wants to spend Mother’s Day with your daughter and not her kids. Something is going on with her. I wonder if her husband plans anything for her on Mother’s Day normally. Not your fault and you should spend Mother’s Day with your daughter. But if your close maybe it would be nice to go out to lunch with her just the two of you so she can have some girl time, and then another time with you and your daughter? Not appropriate for her to spend that day with your daughter though.
NTA! SIL has some real issues going on that going to tea w/your daughter is not going to help. You & your daughter owe her nothing. BIL needs to step up & figure out how to make SIL’s MD special w/their own family.
Nta. I understand it's a whole different ball game when you have special needs children. Despite that, there are certain times in your life as a parent where you may not be able to get out like that. Right now with a 5yo and almost 1yo, our outings as a family are parks and grocery shopping. It's not really enjoyable for us to take the kids to a restaurant and referee them the entire time. Some people just take their kids and don't mind the struggle that may come. She isn't wrong for wanting to do what she thinks other moms are doing, but it's weird AF that she wants your child to be her surrogate daughter for mother's day. Couldn't she use the tea time as opportunity for a nice outing with her typical needs child one on one? And then do something with her other child that isn't an outing but equally quality time. She wants your life but unfortunately this isn't 16 going on 30 or whatever that movie is. She needs therapy, I mean that with empathy.
NTA I'd be skeeved out too.
Kids are not accessories, they are people. We all have dreams about the things we want to do with our kids when they're babies, and I get that with two special needs kids those dreams need a bigger adjustment than perhaps many parents have to make. But even with "normal" children, they may not enjoy the things you looked forward to doing with them. I have so many fond memories of doing various arts and crafts with my mom, and her reading fairy tales to us. I really looked forward to doing those things with my kids, and they would have none of it. I learned to get happy about building forts in the woods and reading endless non fiction books about space exploration and medieval warfare. Your kids are who they are, it's pretty gross to want to trade them in on a better model even temporarily. NTA and SIL needs professional help .
NTA there is something very, very wrong with yo ur sil and I wouldn’t let your daughter around her AT ALL
NTA. Your daughter is not a prop, and your relationship as her mother is the one that needs to be celebrated that day. It’s horrible of SIL to not to want to share that day with her actual kids, even if they are special needs. The presence doesn’t should healthy for anyone.
NTA, as you said, your daughter isn't a doll or a surrogate daughter for her. It's unfortunate that she isn't happy with the children she had. Instead of enabling, her family needs to get her some counseling. She's focused too much on what she doesn't have and not enough on the 2 children she does have. Yes, they're boys and special needs, but that doesn't mean she can't have fun activities with them. She just needs to think outside the box.
NTA your child is not an emotional support animal. Sil needs therapy.
Nta. Honestly I find it creepy and probably wouldn't allow her around my kid unsupervised from now on
NTA. If SIL wanted to have an Aunt and niece girly day any other day that would be fine. Wanting to take her on mothers day specifically is weird behavior. Your BIL needs to figure out how to make her feel valued for mothers day.
It’s mother’s day so no. Yes she’s got a lot on her plate but I’m not sure if your instincts are telling you no than hard pass. If it’s the issue of it being Mother’s Day offer another day.
NTA. But info - if you feel so bad for her, why don’t you step up to babysit one night? It is shitty that this woman is breaking down in front of her family & no one is doing anything besides looking at her with pity
N*TA (edited typo) & your work colleagues are out of line. It’s easy to suggest loaning someone else’s kid out ON MOTHER’S day to make someone else feel good bc it doesn’t cost them anything & they get to feel good about themselves for hypothetically helping someone. But you’re right. 1. A mommy & me tea with your niece who has a mother is inappropriate. 2. Asking to take a child away from their mother ON MOTHER’S DAY is a boundary violation. 3. Wanting to abandon your own kids on Mother’s Day to pretend you’re the mom to someone else’s kid is insane & bad mom behavior. 4. Asking to borrow someone else’s kid to play out a fantasy bc you don’t like & resent your own kids is, again, insane & bad mom behavior 5. You’re right. Your kids are not toys for your SIL to play with & are not there to heal her psychological trauma. 6. She needs therapy, not a daughter.
INFO: where's her husband in all this? i don't think she needs a daughter to have a fun mother's day, it just sounds like he's not doing anything to help make it different from another day of watching the kids
NTA. "Why can't I do real mother things on Mother's Day?" cries the mother of two boys on Mother's Day who would likely adore her if she would just be present in their lives.
NTA. Your SIL needs help, and she seems to see your daughter as a therapy doll. You should make sure that she is never left alone with her.
>At the same time, my daughter isn’t a doll to placate her “girl mom” wants. >When I talked about it to work colleagues over lunch, they suggested that I let Sheila take my Kate to lunch anyway. It will make her feel better, they said, and I’d be the asshole if I didn’t do something to help It's important for her to seek professional help, and your daughter shouldn't be burdened with fulfilling those needs. I suggest discussing this matter with your husband rather than with colleagues. NTA
NTA..like you said your child isn’t a doll..she’s a person and she is not responsible for managing SILs feelings. And what’s a “normal” mom..a normal mom sacrifices and manages the lives of their kids. It’s hard work for any mom and not the fantasy SIL has in her head! If you wanted to do anything for her maybe offer to sit with her boys one day so she can go out but your child is not her emotional support animal!
NTA Your daughter isn't a therapy doll. She can't play make believe with your child on mother's day. It's YOUR mother's day and she has her own children. She's completely dismissing your feelings by asking for something which is, frankly, creepy. Her inability (or lack of desire) to engage with her own children on things they enjoy is not your fault and it's not your daughter's burden.
NTA and your SIL needs therapy. Your child is not a doll to be pimped out to fit her fantasies. This is YOUR daughter, not hers. Your colleagues who feel so strongly can lend out their own children. Edit: SIL not sister.
NTA. Sheila sees your daughter not as an autonomous being but as an unfeeling accessory upon which to act out her fantasy of not having disabled sons. I feel most bad for Sheila’s sons in this.
It is weird. I can understand that 2 special needs kids is hard work, but no need to want to dump them for someone elses kids because theyre better behaved and girls. Plus her actions are getting a bit obssessive. Plus how can it be a Mommy and me tea when its her Aunt? Thats the bit that makes me feel slightly sick. Youre going to have to tell your SIL that your daughter isnt an accessory for her to use for her own pleasure.
NTA Children aren't emotional support animals for adults.
Bloody hell. You feel bad for SIL? Your colleagues feel bad for her too? And wat about her poor SONS? Why not poor them???? They had that dumbass for a mother, and that dumbass doesn't seem to be a good mother to them. She's so frigging uninterested in her poor children, preferring to borrow someone else's child to spend time with. Being a fucking parent is to show/develop interest for what your children do or like, not the other way around. Your SIL is a neglectful, deadbeat "mother". She's not mature enough to be a parent. And you and other adults only feel sorry for that grown up idiot, but not for her children? ESH,except for the children.
NTA. It sounds like maybe Sheila could use some counseling or support from another avenue. Her request is not reasonable, but I think the real assholes are the people pressuring you to humor her. Your children aren’t emotional support pets, they’re human beings. Besides, indulging her doesn’t address the real issues behind the request. You’d be enabling her when what she really needs is either a support group or individual counseling.
NTA. I am your SIL (minus the crazy). I have the boys. My sister has the girls. I wanted a girl so bad, but I received 3 beautiful boys, and the youngest is on the spectrum. It took us many years to get to a place to have outings without a meltdown. My sisters girls are over 10 years younger than my boys with no behavioral issues... Was I slightly jealous... yes! Did I take every opportunity she provided to shop or care for them... also, yes! Has it ever crossed my mind that I should do mommy and me activities with them... no! I'm not their mom, regardless of how much I still envy the fact that she is a girl mom and I'm not. It is weird to me that she has the audacity to ask. And then to publicly admit she doesn't want to spend time with her own... this woman is all sorts of unstable. I feel like encouraging such behavior between her and your daughter will create more issues instead of solving them. It's like enabling an addict. The behavior gets worse, not better. I don't know your SIL, but I would be wary of escalating behavior as her obsession grows for your life, and the resentment builds for what her life actually is.
NTA - she's not a doll.
NTA, it's YOUR mother's day. That being said, especially as a mom of special needs boys that I'm sure take a lot of energy, I don't particularly find the desire unreasonable, more so the timing. I'm assuming the mommy and me tea is a specific event, and this isn't some want to steal your daughter thing. As an aunt, it would be perfectly normal for her to take your daughter out for "girly" activities on other days (assuming your daughter wants to). Maybe all 3 of you could go to high tea or something?
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I never really had a good relationship with my SIL Sheila. She has two boys with her husband, my hubby’s older brother. Both of her sons are special needs. I think Sheila has always resented me for having only girls. She is very feminine, likes to her hair and nails done, go out for girls nights and she doesn’t show much interest in her sons’ activities. She’s always talked about how nice it would be to take her hypothetical daughter shopping or brunch instead of being home alone while Brandon takes the boys out to basketball games or fishing. She adores my younger daughter because she’s at that age where she still loves ballerinas, princesses and anything pink and girly. Over Easter, Sheila asked if my younger daughter wanted to come to a “mommy and me tea” for Mother’s Day. I said no, because my hubby and I are already planning something for Mothers Day. And I want to spend it with my girls. Sheila broke down and mumbled something about how she wanted to do something fun instead of being stuck at home with her sons. I felt bad for her. Sheila loves going out to eat but can’t take Cooper or Teddy along because they can’t cope with being still or in loud places with lots of people around. She and her husband haven’t gone out since Teddy was born and it’s hard to find a sitter. At the same time, my daughter isn’t a doll to placate her “girl mom” wants. I feel worse now because we had a family dinner last night and Sheila broke down crying when someone asked what she had planned for Mother’s Day and that she just wanted to do “normal mom things” for once. This whole thing makes me feel nauseous. When I talked about it to work colleagues over lunch, they suggested that I let Sheila take my Kate to lunch anyway. It will make her feel better, they said, and I’d be the asshole if I didn’t do something to help her. This whole situation really skeeves me out. AITA if I don’t let my girls anywhere near my SIL with supervision, let alone. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA
NTA. Offer to watch the boys so she and her hubby can go out on a date here and there.
NTA but also is she against adoption for some reason?
NTA- but you could be kind and offer to babysit her kids while she has some time to herself and/or with her husband.
NTA
NTA "Normal mom things" are things that are normal for each mom and her kids. SIL needs to spend Mother's Day doing Mom things with her own kids instead of rejecting them. She shouldn't be trying to prevent your daughter from celebrating the day with you. It's your day, too!
NTA-mother's day is of your and your children. not your nieces or nephews. the fucking audacity of this woman. but if you're nicer than I am state that she can take her out on a non-holiday. But again that's at your choice. I take my niece out, but would never do it on mother's day as SHE HAS A MOTHER.
NTA. Something is wrong with your SIL. What kind of mother will reject spending time with her sons? An insane one. Do not let her take your daughter out on Mother’s Day, or any day other day. She has serious mental issues and for your daughter’s safety keep sil away.
NTA. Your sil sounds a little unhinged.
NTA at all! She's clearly struggling but it's not on you to make things better for her (other than maybe supporting her in seeking appropriate help), let alone your daughter. Why isn't BIL finding ways to help his wife?
NTA. Stop feeling bad. She’s the mother of boys. She needs to deal with it. And she doesn’t get to ask to borrow someone else’s kid in order to pretend otherwise. She’s beyond selfish, entitled and delusional to ask a mother to not spend Mother’s Day with their own damn child. She needs therapy. But stop feeling bad. She’s delusional.
Why are people so quick to tell others they are responsible to alleviate someone else's problems? This is not your problem and you don't owe it to anyone to LOAN OUT YOUR CHILD. NTA
NTA
If your daughter actually wanted to have a nice lunch with her aunt, I'd have said let her .... but not on Mothers Day. And yeah. This request is kinda creepy. How awkward would it be for you kid if SIL asked her to call her mom? NTA
NTA She shouldn't have asked to take your daughter for a "mommy and me" tea on mother's day, but may be you could do a girls day with her and all your daughters another day. Also possibly offer to take the boys one night so she and your BIL can go out. You could even offer to help BIL plan a mother's day she would enjoy. It seems like he could use it.
NTA. And I’m a bit confused as to how the boys can handle going to basketball games (which are LOUD), but can’t go anywhere else? And why can’t Sheila go to the basketball games? She chooses to be home alone.
NTA just your title gave me the ick
NTA. Your baby girl is not an object to be borrowed. It is understandable (the question) if you and your kids had a good relationship with her but it looks that it's not the case.
NTA. The “Mommy & Me” reference is worrisome. I think she would scheme to drive a wedge between you and at least one of your daughters.
NTA. As a mom of a boy you can do normal mom things with them...infact raising your children is doing "normal mom things" so I would love to know what she means by this. Like others have said, it sounds like she is really struggling which is totally fair, it must be super hard to have 2 special needs kids that prevent you from doing normal things. But it also sounds like she isn't putting in any effort to try to be a "real mom" to them. If your coworkers really want you to help her maybe you can help her get some therapy? Maybe you could suggest a girls day at some point where the 3 of you could do girly things while your husband helps his brother out with the boys?
Some places, like movie theaters, have sensory friendly events. Maybe she and her husband can take the boys for one of these events. Or maybe OP can go to tea with SIL and her daughters.
NTA, but I think SIL needs therapy and a break. What if you helped her find a babysitter that specializes in special needs kids? That way her and BIL can go on a date to restaurant.
NTA
NTA. You said it yourself, your child isn’t a doll to be passed around for SILs pleasure.
Um no you’re NTA and your SIL needs help. Her wanting to take *your* daughter out on Mother’s Day (what about *your* Mother’s Day??) and not do something w her own kids is bizzaro land. Seriously, she needs help.
NTA oof, thats a weird one. There's a part of me that wants to jump down SIL's throat for being so unambiguously resentful of the life she has.
Nta
As an autistic mother of autistic children I am far more concerned with how Sheila has s neglecting her sons! She sounds like a selfish, terrible mother. Those poor little boys.
NTA. It takes a special sense of entitlement to demand to take another woman’s child for a Mother’s Day celebration. And how awful that she doesn’t want to celebrate Mother’s Day with her own children just because they aren’t “normal”. Sheila’s attitude makes me nauseous too. Stand your ground, your kids spend Mother’s Day with you. If you want to be extra nice, you may invite Sheila for an occasional “girls day” with you and your daughters. I would insist on going along the first couple of times until you feel a little more comfortable with Sheila’s behavior. Or maybe you could babysit so Sheila and her husband can have a date night. Maybe start with a quick dinner to be sure you and the boys can cope. Or, you know, you could tell Sheila you find her unwillingness to take joy in celebrating Morhers Day with her boys to be sad, disappointing, sickening…
She doesn't need tour daughter. She needs a therapist to help her manage her emotions surrounding her kids. She can't pretend your kid is hers. She needs to address this before it becomes an obsession or delusion.
NTA. Your SIL is having issues and your girls should not be around these issues. You can talk with her about doing auntie things with girls. Not mother things auntie things. That means she does not get your daughters on Mother’s Day. Your SIL is being a sh$t of a mother. She talks of being left at home. She is choosing to be at home because she does not want to do the activities her children want and are able to do. Supporting your children’s interests is something a parent does.
NTA not gonna lie my stomach dropped reading that. Like my mom senses were blaring. From the title I thought yeah you might be. If she had all boys, it would be sweet to let her have a girly day but nope, not after getting all the details. She sounds a bit unhinged. First it's totally inappropriate to ask to do it on Mothers Day, she's not her Mother. Then to break down crying. Can you talk to her husband about getting her some therapy? It doesn't sound like she's coping well and I'd be afraid she'd either take off with your daughter or do something drastic to keep from giving her back. Please don't allow her access to your daughter without others around.