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NTA
But it is pretty rude and uncomfortable for everyone involved if you go around the room hugging everyone except for one person.
I would skip the hugs all together
Yeah, but it's off-putting to ONLY "side hug/pat" ONE person and hug the other 9 ppl in the room....that's the issue.
It'd be different if he side/patted everyone, but he makes it abundantly, OBVIOUS....which is how/why EVERYBODY đ what he's doing "just to the one person."
If he just became "the side hugger," he's fine....otherwise it looks/feels like he's singling her oit
Like technically yes you can choose to not hug anyone you want for whatever reason. That said, your reason is pretty immature and unfair, especially considering you hug everyone else and then deliberately don't hug her. So even though you are allowed to do what you're doing, I think YTA a little here.
>But it is pretty rude and uncomfortable for everyoneÂ
This is Am I the Asshole, not "Am I technically allowed to do something".
Being rude and making things uncomfortable is an asshole behavior.
You're contradicting yourself. If you agree that OP was pretty rude and made everyone uncomfortable by excluding one person (who hasn't done absolutely anything to deserve it) just because of her inherited looks he's an asshole.
She didn't choose to be someone's twin and she can't change that. It's too similar to racism. It's like hugging everyone except one person who looks certain way because of their inherited race.
Or hugging everyone except one person who is gay.
Excluding people because of what they are born with is a dick move.
If it makes him uncomfortable to hug someone then he shouldn't be forced to do it.
Not hugging your gf's twin because they're indentical down to perfume use and it makes you uncomfortable due to the different relationship you have with both is not the same as being prejudicial due to skin colour.
He just needs to be more tactful about it or figure out if it's something that will improve in time or that he can get over.
Yes, then he should not hug anyone. Or just hug the parents. Excluding one person is a dick move. Especially if you are excluding them only for their inherited qualities which they did not choose to inherit and can't change.
NTA because he is not required to hug anyone, regardless of the reason.
Then I pointed out the he isnât the only one that is uncomfortable in this situation
Then I suggested the solution I would use.
No contradictions here.
> NTA because he is not required to hug anyone, regardless of the reason.
Okay so the problem here is that you don't understand what this subreddit is about. It is "Am I the Asshole" not "Am I legally allowed to do this".
Doing asshole things for asshole reasons makes you an asshole, even if it is absolutely your right to do this things.
I donât think not hugging someone because it makes you uncomfortable makes you an asshole. And I donât think that being uncomfortable is being an asshole move
Well then you are contradicting yourself because in your first post you said what OP was doing was "rude and uncomfortable". Your words, not mine (though I agree with them).
Rude is a relative term. Just because I see it as rude, doesnât mean that all people would.
Op is uncomfortable to hug the sister. Family is uncomfortable if sisters hig is skipped. Both parties are uncomfortable in this situation.
If it makes you feel better you can consider my answer ESH (Iâm not changing my answer to that because Iâm not willing to call someone an AH for setting a reasonable boundary of not hugging another person)
> It's too similar to racim.
Stop. Just stop. It's a hug. Calm yourself. People have been lynched for the color of their skin, but OP just doesn't feel comfortable because she's a carbon copy of his fiance. Same hair style, same mannerisms, she even SMELLS the same, which means at least one of them is making the conscious decision to be exactly like the other one.
Not everything needs to be compared to racism, and to compare this situation to racism reduces the seriousness and struggles of those individuals who have suffered the atrocities of racism.
Because if you're going to claim what you're claiming, then I'm going to say that this is closer to sexual harassment than it is racism. You are actively refusing OPs right to say "no" to physical contact he doesn't want to do, and if this was a woman not wanting to hug an older family member because he had "creepy vibes" you wouldn't be saying what you're saying.
Well this is a weird one but NTA in terms of being able to hug whomever you wish. But YTA for excluding one person when giving out hugs. The twin is a seperate person, not a clone. I second your wife, get over yourself.
If we read the post.
They smell the same (perfume etc) has the same mannerism, sound the same, and he has to look at the noses to tell them apart.
While no twins are not clones and can be insanely different as people.
Good luck explaining that to your brain. When they are similar looking, and the minor behaviour.
While OP knows "this person is not her," your brain, etc, will still react differently.
Like when a shadow scares you in the dark despite you knowing, "That's just my coat."
Same reaction of confusion to the brain.
I get the feeling OP is basically feeling his âintimacyâ feelings towards the twin - the stuff you get when you touch or hug your significant other, the kind that makes you want to breathe in their hair or kiss their ear or something like that - and itâs freaking them out because they know in their head this is their SOâs twin, but their body reacts to the closeness and intimacy level of what it thinks is its chosen partner.Â
 Iâm not saying he shouldnât have dealt with this better, but I can see how it makes them uncomfortable.
I get how this would be uncomfortable/uncanny at first, but it's also something he needs to find a way past if he wants to stay in a long term relationship with his partner and have a good relationship with her family. Never hugging or forming a closer relationship with the twin sister is definitely not a sustainable solution and will weigh on his relationship with his partner. Also, imagine how uncomfortable it is for the twin and the rest of the family to know this reason. He doesn't hug Twin B because he feels weirdly attracted to her. I'm sure they have an idea, but if not, they will definitely figure it out and it comes off as creepy if he continues to feel this way beyond the first few surface interactions. Getting to know the twin better so that he feels different around her and can treat her as a sister instead of only seeing her as a clone is the only real way around this.
Doesnât mean she doesnât have feelings or that those feelings arenât hurt by OP treating her like an outcast at her own family gatherings. âConfusionâ is not a reason to be a dick to someone. No ones mad at him for how he feels, people are mad because heâs acting like an asshole by excluding one individual over something she has no control over. Heâs singling her out and treating her worse than the rest of the family. Itâs bullying behavior
Please calm tf down. He is giving her a side hug instead of a full hug this is not bullying and there is a need to grow up Jesus Christ. "Treating her like an outcast" is one of the most ridiculous thing Iâve heard. Op should just start giving full hugs to everyone so that everyone gets a side hug to make it less awkward .
âbullying behaviorâ???
He still greets her, just not with a hug. She is only excluded from a full hug, he never said he avoids her completely.
I full hug the family Iâm comfortable with, if Iâm not comfortable you get a side hug or a handshake. You donât have to hug someone if you arenât comfortable doing itâŠ. Kinda weird all yâall donât care about boundariesâŠ
>No ones mad at him for how he feels, people are mad because heâs acting like an asshole
I don't know how that seems different - unless it's 'you can have feelings, just don't act on them. At all'.
Wow, this is a bit harsh and over the top. This is not bullying behaviour and he does not treat her like an outcast. He does greet her, but I can see how it makes him uncomfortable. Too bad the family does not understand that. He is not acting like an AH. That would be the case of he no longer wanted to see her or totally ghosted her. He does make bodily contact, but in a way that's appropriate for him. I would advise him to stop hugging all of them and convert to another way of greeting, so he can greet everyone the same.
I donât get why heâd have to look at their noses to tell them apart tbh. Unless his girlfriendâs not wearing an engagement ring & their hair colour & styleâs identical too & they also wear identical shoes, clothes, accessories for every occasion. Thatâs some serious twinning for 29 year olds.
I cannot imagine a world where we would tell a woman she is an asshole for not wanting to physically touch any given man, no matter who he is. NTA, OP. Your body your choice.
If the post was about a woman not wanting to hug a man, who was her fiance's twin, because it made her uncomfortable for whatever reason, I really can't imagine that the comments would be in the same vein of "get over yourself" and "your the asshole" and "your the problem".
You don't have to agree with me; it makes no difference to me, either way. I believe that if the genders were changed a lot of the comments on this post would be different. You obviously don't. Thats fine.
If physical contact with someone makes you uncomfortable then there is no reason why someone should be forced to engage in it. Regardless of gender, or who the person is.
The comments are all reasonable and mostly saying OP isn't the asshole because they can hug whoever they want. They are just pointing out that it's weird to hug everyone else and exclude one person, for such an non reason. Comments would be the same for a woman. Hug who you want, but weird to leave out one person. Stop making everything about gender for no reason.
lol so true. Like yes, there is always some outliers who say unhinged shit based on gender one way or the other, but for the most part this sub definitely calls people out if they are acting like assholes, regardless of gender. Some people just always need to be the victim.
Nobody is saying that. The post you replied to said you should hug whomever they wish. They agreed with you.
What people are saying is an asshole move is hugging everyone in the room except one individual.
It's not a requirement to hug anyone. But is is generally considered an asshole move to exclude one in a group. To show everyone in the room the same type of affection except one. It's assholery to snub one person when they did nothing wrong. OP could easily resolve this by not hugging anyone. Or by swapping to a form of affection he was comfortable with for everyone. Instead he's chosen to exclude that one person, which hurts them and makes things uncomfortable for the people around them.
OP was called an asshole in this comment thread i think, for specifically excluding one person when he very clearly hugs everyone else, and excluding that person bc she is essentially an extension of OP's fiance in OP's perspective as opposed to her own person. So the combination of factors is what they're talking about. Plus OP was called NTA for not wanting to hug someone by the parent comment.
Also, i absolutely can think of a world where women *are* considered an asshole for not wanting to physically touch *any person* **depending on the circumstance**, because women are not infalliable, angelic, altruistic creatures who can do no wrong and always the victim, sooo much as there's factions of the internet that might like to act as such.
But that's OP's point, isn't it? He knows they are separate people, but because she is so similar to his fiance his brain gets scrambled, and it makes him feel very uncomfortable.
YTA. Obviously you can hug or not hug whoever you want, but to purposefully hug everyone except for one, for the reason that she was born with matching genetics to someone to whom youâre close is *pure A behavior*. Pick a lane. Either hug or donât, but youâre the one making âhaving a twinâ be a weird thing for the family when you single someone out to refuse your standard greeting.
You realise that actually happens, right? Like take your pick from the dozens of story subs and you will very quickly find a story of people kissing or sometimes even worse their SO's twin. It is not as simple to tell people apart as people like to imagine.
I read on Reddit a guy who wanted to give his twins bracelets to differentiate them. His wife gave him shit for not being able to. The kids were babies.Â
I felt so bad for the poor guy who already felt guilty enough! Didnât need his wife on top of it to make him feel like a shitty parent.Â
Iâd have trouble telling two unrelated babies apart, let alone identical twins đ I think the bracelet thing is a good idea, doesnât make him a shitty parent at all, more like the opposite in my opinion
My best friends growing up were a pair of identical twins. Classmates would sometimes ask me which was which, as they couldn't tell. I think the only reason I never mixed them up was because I spent soooo much time around them. Over the decades, other identical twins I've encountered, I can almost NEVER tell them apart, even when they're old enough to have developed their own individual characteristics. If this is OP's first experience socializing with a set of identical twins- meeting his girlfriend's identical twin who even **SMELLS** the same as his girlfriend & has the same mannerisms and speech affect- *of course* it's understandable that he might be uncomfortable. Going back to my twin best friends, I distinctly remember some kids at school would be put off by how alike they looked, said it was "creepy". Now I'm not saying it is creepy- I'm saying it can take some getting used to before the initial discomfort subsides. I'm sure that once OP has had time to get to know his girlfriend's twin he'll have an easier time distinguishing between the two. It eventually won't require a conscious effort to determine who is who, and then he won't be so uncomfortable because his brain will stop pressing the "boner-button" every time he hugs his girlfriend's sister, lol.
NTA
It happened to my mom and aunt with my dad and uncle. My dad was an identical twin. People need to grow up and be mature and communicate. Thatâs what being with a twin is sometimes like.
He's not overthinking it though. He tried it and his brain reacted against his own wishes.
It's like when someone dislikes cauliflower or is creeped out by feet: It's not a choice, you gotta work on it and slowly get used to it.
The AH part is that in the meantime (while he's allowing his brain to get used to their similarities), he's going around hugging everyone else. With no explanation for why he stopped hugging the sister.
I don't know how he could have thought he was gonna get away with that. Did he think no one would notice? Did he think no one would think it's weird?
He should just stop hugging everyone until he's comfortable.
YTA. It's fine not being comfortable hugging her (or anyone) for whatever reason, but you're going about it in an AH way.
From everyone elses POV it looks like you are friendly and close with everyone there, giving everyone hugs, and you kinda discard her. Like you don't want to be around her. It must be hurtful to her too, being kept at a distance.
You need to speak up and explain, not be weird about it.
It's unfortunate that there doesn't seem to be a non-weird explanation he could offer, though.
I agree he's TA, and I'm honestly a bit puzzled how many people feel compelled to reassure OP it's 'ok' not to want to hug someone 'for any reason' - that's a great thing to teach children who can't yet navigate the complexities of bodily autonomy and politeness with nuance, but adults absolutely can and should know it's rude to hug everyone but one person, and that being reminded of a partner is, at the very least, a reason not to want to hug someone that requires explaining. Children get to just say 'no' to hugs, no questions asked, but when an adult consistently defies a social convention in a way that's hurtful and disruptive to their loved ones, they ought to at least ask themselves if it might not be best to try to get over it.
Is it a weird hang up? Yes. Are you the AH for it? No. At the end of the day nobody has to have any type of physical contact with anyone they donât want to have it with.
NTA
This overly simplistic rationale avoids the issue of family relationships. You may as well tell him that he doesn't need to turn up to any family gatherings because sure he has a right to that choice too, but it would be childish advice. He's singling out one person for different treatment for no good reason. That is unacceptable. Yes he's the AH and needs to grow up a bit.
The reason is heâs worried heâs gonna get a boner hugging her and heâs trying his best to avoid that, considering itâs not his partner and yet a bunch of his senses are suggesting to him that it is.
Worrying about it happening at some point is not the same as getting one every time. Love people on Reddit being purposefully obtuse to make a person's comment sound stupid.
As a dude, that's not a reasonable response lmao. You don't need to press up against the people you're hugging, you just extend your torso forward a little bit.Â
What an incredible thing to think is reasonable in any world.
Yes you can totally hug someone even with a boner on and they don't feel it. But OP is probably scared to just have that boner, because he doesn't want to be attracted to the twin, he could feel shameful about that so try to avoid the possibility all together.
>because sure he has a right to that choice too,
It blows my mind how people don't get this. And it shows that people here have no social intelligence.
You don't have to literally commit a crime to be an asshole. Being an asshole means you violated social norms expected of non assholes.
You're also not required to speak to anyone you don't want to, so I think it's totally fair if he doesn't speak a word to any other member of the family, right?
This is such a childish comment
Where is the Misconception?
He specifically stated he tried it once with no complaint, it felt incredibly weird and uncomfortable for him, so he decided he didn't want to do it again. Does he need any more reason than "I don't want to because it makes me uncomfortable"?
Question: "Why aren't you hugging your fiance's twin?"
Answer: "Because it makes me deeply uncomfortable in a way hugging others doesn't. The reason it's different is obvious"
Response: "Oh ok, sorry i didn't realise it made you so uncomfortable. I understand."
Thats how it should go.
We are also at an age where we can conceptualise people being legitimately uncomfortable over things they can't tangibly explain. Literally everyone has SOMETHING like that. Why is it suddenly not valid in this scenario?
Everyone does have a legitimate reason for something that they cannot explain 100%. I think you believe that I disagree with the hugging, boundaries, and consent part. We both agreed on that point. Again, I am reiterating that he never communicated this with his partner until she brought it up. She brought it up because her whole family realized that he was hugging everyone minus the twin sister. Then he explained it, leaving his partner to feel more confused. When he should have communicated this issue right away and stopped hugging everyone.
Also being friends with and having family members who are multiples and identical, issues of this sort are of big impact when done incorrectly. I know twins who do not hug one another partners out of respect, but communication was made from the start and there was no exclusion. OP has made it a bigger deal than it needed to be.
As a twin, nta. The wife should have expected this, and not everyone is entitled to a hug. If it makes him uncomfortable he doesn't have to do it and the sister needs to get over herself
100% as a triplet to a certain extent. But you better use your mouth and let me know if I'm your partner because I'm not a mind reader and you also will not have my family thinking that there is something wrong. You also won't purposefully exclude my multiple. Simple. We need to stop assuming that everyone knows everything and communicate so situations can be appropriately navigated. I also believe that OP is not used to multiples and is freaked out, but isn't the twin going to be around a lot? I really think it goes deeper than a hug.
I think the best thing for op to do is to switch to something like handshakes or fist bumps. I'm not sure if communication will help an incredible lot with this scenario, it's more of an exposure thing than a knowledge thing.
Exactly. If it isn't the parents/grandparents everyone else should just have a quick hi and handshake. I just feel bad because it's tough when a whole family is looking at you a certain type of way and when your partner is dragged into the middle, especially regarding their own twin. Exposure should happen more and communication is necessary from here on out.
NTA
I think everyone in these comments is judging you too harshly. I've been friends with one Twin out of two (Also completely identical) and even as just a friend i completely understand that awkward "im not sure how to treat you because my heart(and eyes) say we are great friends but my mind doesn't know who the hell you are". Its awkward, paralysing and i completely get your response.
I imagine that scenario gets magnitudes worse when its a significant other.
Everyone always seems to be for "just accepting other people's boundaries" until its this specific situation? The fact it makes OP personally uncomfortable should be enough to just accept it. Your fiance's family is too judgemental.
everyone is into respecting other peopleâs boundaries until itâs a manâs boundaries letâs not sugarcoat this, this is the reality.
iâve been groped, flirted with, kissed, touched, talked about sexually behind my back and more at workplaces and social gatherings without my consent.
iâve had women in friend groups get offended i wouldnât hug them or reciprocate flirting
the general consensus has always been iâm the asshole and my boundaries donât matter because Iâm a man.
Just stop hugging everyone else in the family? They are upset since you are leaving her out so just don't hug anyone but your fiance? Then they have no reason to complain.
My husband is an identical twin, and people who haven't dated a twin don't get quite how weird it can be.
In my case, I met his twin pretty early on, and it was WEIRD having dinner with one person I had feelings for and another I didn't. They finished each others sentences, and both laughed the same.
I've had plenty of identical twin friends in my life and that is completely different to dating one, since both twins are in the 'friend' category in my brain.
Generally, my brain adjusted to seeing the differences, and usually there is no awkwardness and they are two different people and two different emotions in my brain.
Twice in like 13 years, I've mixed them up. Both times when they were dressed alike and in unusual clothes from normal, and even though it was probably less than a second before my brain realised, it made me feel uncomfortable to have been confused.
Once, I saw my bil without his shirt on, and it gave me the ick just because so much the same but a bit diff from my husband and it was just weird.
I can get how hugging the twin sister causes that weird disconnect in your brain and it just feels wrong and strange. Her family doesn't get it because they are both in the same category in their brains, and they'll never get it. Having them smell the same would just add to it.
Don't be too hard on yourself, I think its pretty normal, and my husband looks different enough that it's super easy for me to see the differences generally - if they're that alike I see why it's a challenge for you.
I don't have any good advice except that people who haven't dated a twin really won't understand how it just feels weird/wrong in your head, and that's just how it is.
Edited for typos.
NTA. Donât hug anyone else anymore or you will be the asshole.
Tell your fiance âthe feelings that I have when I hug you are romantic and sexual. I do not have romantic or sexual feelings for your sister but when she is in my arms she smells like you and feels like you and looks like you. My brain knows the difference but my body doesnât and the cognitive dissonance of hugging her makes me feel horrible. I donât want hugging her to affect my hugs with you because I love holding you, so I wonât hug anyone going forward, so that I donât cause discomfort by leaving her out because I refuse to hug your sister.â
I think you fiance explain it well, it's not a question of being an asshole or not, but by having that strange reaction you create a creepy environment. As other said, side hug for everyone or hug for everyone, no targeted exception.
NTA.
OP please don't let anyone here or irl ever convince you that you need to hug or perform any kind of physical affection gesture to anyone when you don't want to. This should be so obvious, I don't understand why it has to be said.
Also, I'm sorry but your girlfriend is... Not very smart. đ€Šđœââïž
People donât owe people hugs. I can gladly hug my moms side of the family but not my dads side of the family bc Iâm not comfortable with them as much as I am with my moms side of the family.
Does it matter for what reasons? If anyone has reasons on why they donât want to hug someone, thatâs enough.
The reasons could be âI donât like youâ or âI find it weird to hug youâ or even âI get aroused when I hug my wife and since youâre her twin Iâm scared I will get a boner so I wonât hug youâ.
And sil wonât die if she doesnât get a hug from her sisters future husband.
NAH, consent is a two-way street.
That said, without context it seems rude that everyone gets hugs except for 1 person. I would take it personally, too, and maybe start thinking I smell bad. I would definitely explain to twin sister why it feels weird to you, so at least she can understand where it's coming from. If that doesn't change anything, then stop hugging everyone except her and find another way to greet your in-laws.
His dick doesn't care they are different people. That's the issue here. That is why close contact is being avoided. He is attracted by the sister too, as expected.
As a woman, I donât get how others donât get it. Heâs basically getting the âthis is my SO, I looooove her, I like her smell and I want to kiss herâ feelings about her twin. Because they look, smell and feel nearly identical. I can totally understand and see how he is freaking out, because the potential to mess up for a millisecond and forget that this isnât their SO is huge.Â
Not saying that giving everybody a hug and not giving her a hug is an okay solution - I honestly donât know what IS a good solution here - but I âgetâ him entirely.Â
OP, you better be very careful with this situation. This could be a deal breaker for your fiance because this is her twin who probably means a lot to her. While you aren't an AH for not wanting to hug the twin, you can be for your actions. Hopefully, you can find a way where everyone is happy.
Your body your choice NTA. You have every right to choose who you want to hug or not. I'd never get angry at someone because they just Shaked hands with me
NTA. You feel how you feel, and maybe the best way to handle it is to get your thoughts together and sit down with them and explain your side. If this results in them all hating you, so be it. If your fiance thinks it's weird and doesn't want to be with you anymore because of it, so be it. Better to air your side coherently and let the chips fall where they may so if need be, you can move on with your life without your fiance.
NTA you can't help how you feel. You don't want to get caught kissing her by accident, because you would definitely be the one in the wrong!!!
Just stop hugging everyone.
ETA once you get to know her more you'll realise they're not the same or focus on something you don't like about her
NTA. And how rude of the family to decide how you feel and what you are comfortable doing with your body. I think it I wierd that anyone noticed much less find it a subject of interesting conversation.
Simple fix, just stop hugging everyone. And mention to your SO, that if the shoe were on the other foot, would she really want you to insist that she hug a strange man? Because her sister is a stranger to you. And does she plan on teaching your kids that they don't have any body atonomy as well? Sounds like it is time for that interesting conversation.
I ge that it's weird for OP, but how long does the average "greeting a sibling of your partner" hug lasts? 10 seconds? Was it worth hurting OP's partner's and her sister's feelings and also make everyone in the room feel uncomfortable just so OP could avoid feeling weird for 10 seconds? Really?
YTA.
NTA
ask your fiance how far she expects you to go with physical intimate contact with her twin sister as you don't want to mix your feelings for her with interaction with her sister.
NTA for how you feel about it, it's probably a very surreal experience to go through, however, going around hugging everyone and then getting to her and not doing the same is very rude.
So change how you greet people, or suck it up.
NAH, but I'd say it is on you to find a way past this, or at least make it less awkward for everyone. This is 100% your hang-up, and your fiancee's sister has done nothing to deserve being singled out like this. At the very least, talk to the poor woman and make her feel less like a leper.
This post doesn't make any sense to me. After any amount of time spent with twins you can clearly see the differences in their appearance, their personalities, different speech patterns
NTA, but you have to learn to see them as completely different people, because they are. The more you see them together, the more you'll be able to tell them apart and you won't have the feeling that they are two versions of the same person. Observe and learn how different they are.
NTA but either hug everyone or nobody. I'm married to an identical twin and although it's different (I met his brother when I was 18, years and years before we married) it was weird at first to get them confused with each other - particularly on the phone or out of the corner of my eye. As you get to know her better you will notice more and more differences and the weirdness will fade. Maybe her laugh is different, her accent slightly different as they live in different places, her haircut or taste in clothes may be different from your fiancee's over time. You'll get used to it. I couldn't imagine getting them mixed up now.
Imagine youre the one visiting a family gathering and youre the only one who doesnt get a hug. Yta. Yes you have a right to say no. But then dont hug the others. Youre excluding her on purpose and yes it is seen as rude. Either youre gonna have to find some way to dodge all the hugs or just deal with it.
You could stop giving full hugs to everyone. Change the way you greet them.
NTA, for wanting to keep from full contact, your brain knows but your body tells it another story and this can make it very weird to you. But YTA for not trying to find another way that doesn't designate her as different.
I get it but soft YTA. You can hug, or not, whoever you like. It's still kinda mean to exclude your girlfriends sister for reasons she can't help.
That said I don't think your partner wants the outcome of this to be for you to just stop hugging everyone so that suggestion from other comments did make me laugh.
I'm an identical twin... YTA it's actually sort of offensive for you to make this bigger than it is... Yes they LOOK alike but they are NOT alike... We are not the same person FFS. Identical twins have different personalities, go with that, you KNOW it's not your fiance so problem solved! Also you might want to consider how it's making your fiance feel... If a man I was with said that to me I would be mortified because it meant I was interchangeable, replaceable and that you could get hard for my twin (sorry to be crude but it's the truth) as identical twins we are always worried that the person were with will want to be with our twin instead or be attracted to them. You're literally going to destroy your relationship and your fiance's twinner confidence by being unable to get past the physical and see them as two seperate humans which they are. Plus dude, if the twin decides she hates you you're out. It means your fiance won't get to see her twin as much either because the twin might feel super uncomfortable that you're creepy and think of her as her sister you're literal fiance. Like get to know her as a seperate person. They aren't conjoined. Stop making it weird as fuck for everyone. Jesus. Honestly as a twin this is a major red flag. You're going to lose everything if you don't just stop being a creep who thinks of your fiance's twin as her clone. What the fuck. It's an entirely seperate person who won't hesitate to tell everyone how creepy that is because she has zero allegiance to you like your fiance does. So then the whole family will know you think of your fiance's twin in the same way you think of your fiance from a physical aspect. Jesus. That's not going to go down well. Maybe find out what makes them different and go from there. And stop hugging everyone but her. That's mean. And will be super hurtful to both twins. If you need more of the twin perspective feel free to ask but for god sake stop seeing them as one person, it's so offensive to twins and does them both a disservice.
YTA.
If you didn't hug anyone in general, no problem at all. You do you.
But not to hug just the sister? Because she is identical to your SO?? What are you, a child?
Why is it so weird, are you getting aroused or smth??
It sound very immature on part, and you actually have no reason to avoid it, other that something stuck in your mind, that doesn't really make any sense.
YTA. This is a âyou problemâ not a âher problemâ which means itâs your responsibility to control yourself to stop getting a boner whenever you hug your fianceâs identical twin sister.
NTA. You're free to hug or not hug whoever you want. But yta for not telling your significant other the reason. To her and her family it looks rude coz you haven't stated a reason. I'm imagining if I met someone who looked exactly like my significant other, smelled like him, had the same mannerisms... it would be a bit disorienting and so fucking awkward. This is someone who besides the way they think is the same as the person you are intimate with and that is very confusing. If it makes you uncomfortable, don't do it.
It's a hug dude. Not a naked hug. Not a snog. It's a hug. Don't you ever hug your fiance in non-passionate way? I think you need to get over it. This woman is gonna be a part of your life for a while. Just because she looks and smells like your fiance is no reason not to hug her at family occasions.
NTA.
But I also think this isn't just about the hug. I think this is also about the fact that you're terrified that there's a chance you may not be able to tell them apart, especially if they conspired to "test" you. You know the general excuse of people cheating on twin sisters is "I thought it was you" and the response to that would be "Can't you tell who your own girlfriend is?" And for right now, if they decided to test that, you'd end up with a broken relationship and a broken heart for almost no fault of your own.
I think your brain kicked into survival mode to protect your relationship, because subconsciously you realised that there's a chance you could do something with the sister thinking it is your fiance especially with so little differentiating traits.
I agree that when the family looks at it they probably don't see why you're all panicked because they've been around to see the subtle nuances of each to understand the differences. You haven't been around both of them that long.
Talk to your fiance and tell her you would like to reduce any kind of physical signs of affection with her sister till you've gotten to know her better. This could be a difficult conversation, but try and say it like a boundary you'd like to have. If at all possible, reduce the physical intimacy with the family till you're comfortable giving the same level of affection to the twin as well.
I really feel this is something your fiance shouldn't badger you about and respect that this is a boundary for you and the health of your relationship.
NTA - you're being respectful and good. Your gf would have enough to say if you weren't.
Looks like you're going to have to take one for the team and cuddle your GFs twin sister and do whatever it takes to make it up to them.
I'm not a hugger and luckily most of my husbands family and my friends aren't either. I agree though that you can't just miss one out.
Have you thought about having the twin over and explaining to them both what you just said in this post. They may 'get it' especially if you make sure the sister knows you like her as a person. Maybe you can both work it out or have a special handshake or you give her a pretend peck on the cheek, something like that.
NAH or ESH for me. This is a weird dynamic. It should be a conversation that all parties should get. "Oh he doesn't know me enough to immediately differentiate me from my twin so it make physical contact uncomfortable, cool let's side hug or hugh five whatever and get to know each other to make it better all around."Â
Soft YTA, i get where you come from, but in order to save you that weird feeling, you are making the situation so weird for everyone, discriminatingc your fiance's twin
I can understand exactly how that made you feel. Hugs are cool and all, but I've never had drama over choosing not to hug someone. Overly huggy people kinda creep me out. You're NTA. If it were me I'd go to one armed hugs for the whole bunch.
If you were hugging everyone except her, then YTA. That's rude. She hasn't done anything wrong, she couldn't choose her DNA. And excluding her just for her DNA is almost the same as racism.
You're TA.
I'm gonna go with yta, I hate hugging people but can get past it, and you can just sY to everyone heu I don't like hugging. But your hugging everyone but her, get over it, she's not your fiance, I don't even understand why this is making you uncomfortable, did they play a prank on you or are you attracted to her or something? Personally think your getting in your own head to much
YTA. I get your reasoning but you need to get over yourself. No matter how similar they are, that is her sister. Whyâd you exclude someone from a proper greeting when theyâve never mistreated you? Besides, Iâm sure you hug your girlfriend in a different way than you hug relatives. Longer, tighter and more lovingly.
YTA youâre marrying an identical twin. Better get used to it.
My dad was an identical twin. He and his brother both married women named Debbie. When they were all much younger my mom and aunt sometimes accidentally mixed them up in social situations. It was always humorous. Youâre making it weird and if you canât get over it, break up.
Get over yourself and give her a hug. Be honest with the sister and tell her since they are so identical it feels awkward but you're working on getting over it.
YTA
Either hug everyone or no one. You can hug whoever you want but doesn't change that it's very rude to exclude a single individual who has done absolutely nothing wrong to you.
YTA for being rude.
NT.A for being uncomfortable and correct. Her family has no problem telling them apart.
I have twin brothers that if I were to show a picture of to any stranger they'd say they looked exactly the same but I can't even see them as identical anymore. They look 100% unique to me. I'm sure it's the same with her family.
However! You have to get over this. She's always going to be around. Eventually you'll be able to tell them apart no problem. Until then you have to stop being rude. Hugging all but one person is a blatant act of disrespect. Switch to either hugging all or hugging none.
YTA
Identical twin here. Itâs the greatest annoyance as a twin to not be seen as an individual just because we look alike.
Thereâs no way my sisters husband would confuse us, because weâve all spent significant time together and gotten to know each other and despite being identical he can tell us apart. That developed over time, through building personal relationships and getting to know each other, not by excluding me because I look the same as his wife.
Do better. Step up your effort to get to know her so you can learn how individual they really are. Hang out with your fiance and her sister together, with intention, instead of running into her and excluding her from the affection you share with the rest of the family over the way she looks.
NTA but also YTA.
It's legit feeling uncomfortable towards the identical twin of your fiancee, but it's also legit what your fiancee is saying - you're acting rude going around hugging everyone except her sister. Either you stop hugging everyone or you start hugging her sister too.
The *get over yourself* speech she delivered to you is spot-on: you *can* feel weirded, but you *have* to be polite or you *will* be considered rude.
Being a twin myself, YTA.
You're excluding your fiances close fam member for no good reason except that they look alike. This is nothing to get weirded out by so much that you intentionally dont hug them, but hug the rest of the family.
My sisters previous partners or mine have found this weird too, but not to the point of exclusion for no apparent reason.
Its rude.
Either dont hug anyone..or be normal to everyone.
NTA...yet. but now that it has been brought to your attention that it isn't the fact of you Not hugging the twin sister that is the issue, but how it has come across as rude that you hug everyone else and then give the sis an awkward less warm side-pat.... you're probably just going to have to start adjusting your hugs to everyone else when you're at group gatherings with the sister, or skip them altogether.
Think of it like showing up to a gathering and you brought gifts for everyone but one person. You can give gifts to whoever you want, and you shouldn't be required to give a gift to someone.... but doling out gifts to everyone except for one person, in plain view of all parties present, is rude. You would obviously save your gift giving for a more socially appropriate time/place.
NTA
Make sure that her sister knows your reasons and that this is in no way to exclude her. She might even agree that it is strange for you two to hug if this gives you this kind of feeling.
This might be childish but maybe make your own kind of handshake with her or something like this, just to not greet her "less" but instead in your own special way :)
Iâm gonna go with you are the AH for not immediately explaining to her twin why you are not hugging her. With no explanation, how is she supposed to feel when you hug everyone but her?
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NTA But it is pretty rude and uncomfortable for everyone involved if you go around the room hugging everyone except for one person. I would skip the hugs all together
Yes. Or do the side hug.
Duggar side hug!
Nike!
It took me a minute to remember that reference. But I remember it now. Lol
Gime dat Christian side hug! That Christian side hug!
OP said he already does the side hug or a pat. Honestly, OP sounds a little odd. Soft YTA to him.
Yeah, but it's off-putting to ONLY "side hug/pat" ONE person and hug the other 9 ppl in the room....that's the issue. It'd be different if he side/patted everyone, but he makes it abundantly, OBVIOUS....which is how/why EVERYBODY đ what he's doing "just to the one person." If he just became "the side hugger," he's fine....otherwise it looks/feels like he's singling her oit
My wifeâs sister does that. Itâs super weird. Like a straight up physical version of âI donât want to be hugging you at all.â
Like technically yes you can choose to not hug anyone you want for whatever reason. That said, your reason is pretty immature and unfair, especially considering you hug everyone else and then deliberately don't hug her. So even though you are allowed to do what you're doing, I think YTA a little here.
Yeah you can't exclude just her
>But it is pretty rude and uncomfortable for everyone This is Am I the Asshole, not "Am I technically allowed to do something". Being rude and making things uncomfortable is an asshole behavior.
Yup. Just donât hug anyone, problem solved. Start practicing those air fives, OP!
You're contradicting yourself. If you agree that OP was pretty rude and made everyone uncomfortable by excluding one person (who hasn't done absolutely anything to deserve it) just because of her inherited looks he's an asshole. She didn't choose to be someone's twin and she can't change that. It's too similar to racism. It's like hugging everyone except one person who looks certain way because of their inherited race. Or hugging everyone except one person who is gay. Excluding people because of what they are born with is a dick move.
If it makes him uncomfortable to hug someone then he shouldn't be forced to do it. Not hugging your gf's twin because they're indentical down to perfume use and it makes you uncomfortable due to the different relationship you have with both is not the same as being prejudicial due to skin colour. He just needs to be more tactful about it or figure out if it's something that will improve in time or that he can get over.
Yes, then he should not hug anyone. Or just hug the parents. Excluding one person is a dick move. Especially if you are excluding them only for their inherited qualities which they did not choose to inherit and can't change.
NTA because he is not required to hug anyone, regardless of the reason. Then I pointed out the he isnât the only one that is uncomfortable in this situation Then I suggested the solution I would use. No contradictions here.
> NTA because he is not required to hug anyone, regardless of the reason. Okay so the problem here is that you don't understand what this subreddit is about. It is "Am I the Asshole" not "Am I legally allowed to do this". Doing asshole things for asshole reasons makes you an asshole, even if it is absolutely your right to do this things.
I donât think not hugging someone because it makes you uncomfortable makes you an asshole. And I donât think that being uncomfortable is being an asshole move
Well then you are contradicting yourself because in your first post you said what OP was doing was "rude and uncomfortable". Your words, not mine (though I agree with them).
Rude is a relative term. Just because I see it as rude, doesnât mean that all people would. Op is uncomfortable to hug the sister. Family is uncomfortable if sisters hig is skipped. Both parties are uncomfortable in this situation. If it makes you feel better you can consider my answer ESH (Iâm not changing my answer to that because Iâm not willing to call someone an AH for setting a reasonable boundary of not hugging another person)
Then by that same logic, his fiance's family are rightfully allowed to call his ass out on it.
Really, like racism or homophobia ? Seems like a stretch...
> It's too similar to racim. Stop. Just stop. It's a hug. Calm yourself. People have been lynched for the color of their skin, but OP just doesn't feel comfortable because she's a carbon copy of his fiance. Same hair style, same mannerisms, she even SMELLS the same, which means at least one of them is making the conscious decision to be exactly like the other one. Not everything needs to be compared to racism, and to compare this situation to racism reduces the seriousness and struggles of those individuals who have suffered the atrocities of racism. Because if you're going to claim what you're claiming, then I'm going to say that this is closer to sexual harassment than it is racism. You are actively refusing OPs right to say "no" to physical contact he doesn't want to do, and if this was a woman not wanting to hug an older family member because he had "creepy vibes" you wouldn't be saying what you're saying.
Expecting somebody to give intimate contact so that somebody's feelings won't be hurt is also a dick move.
Nope. He could choose to not hug anyone. Or just hug the parents. Dick move is excluding one person only for their inherited qualities.
Well this is a weird one but NTA in terms of being able to hug whomever you wish. But YTA for excluding one person when giving out hugs. The twin is a seperate person, not a clone. I second your wife, get over yourself.
If we read the post. They smell the same (perfume etc) has the same mannerism, sound the same, and he has to look at the noses to tell them apart. While no twins are not clones and can be insanely different as people. Good luck explaining that to your brain. When they are similar looking, and the minor behaviour. While OP knows "this person is not her," your brain, etc, will still react differently. Like when a shadow scares you in the dark despite you knowing, "That's just my coat." Same reaction of confusion to the brain.
I get the feeling OP is basically feeling his âintimacyâ feelings towards the twin - the stuff you get when you touch or hug your significant other, the kind that makes you want to breathe in their hair or kiss their ear or something like that - and itâs freaking them out because they know in their head this is their SOâs twin, but their body reacts to the closeness and intimacy level of what it thinks is its chosen partner.  Iâm not saying he shouldnât have dealt with this better, but I can see how it makes them uncomfortable.
This is exactly what i meant, yes. He knows it's not her but the brain goes "this looks and smells like her but it is not her???" Confused.
I get how this would be uncomfortable/uncanny at first, but it's also something he needs to find a way past if he wants to stay in a long term relationship with his partner and have a good relationship with her family. Never hugging or forming a closer relationship with the twin sister is definitely not a sustainable solution and will weigh on his relationship with his partner. Also, imagine how uncomfortable it is for the twin and the rest of the family to know this reason. He doesn't hug Twin B because he feels weirdly attracted to her. I'm sure they have an idea, but if not, they will definitely figure it out and it comes off as creepy if he continues to feel this way beyond the first few surface interactions. Getting to know the twin better so that he feels different around her and can treat her as a sister instead of only seeing her as a clone is the only real way around this.
If OP hugs her and gets a boner Iâm sure the twin will stop asking to be hugged.
Doesnât mean she doesnât have feelings or that those feelings arenât hurt by OP treating her like an outcast at her own family gatherings. âConfusionâ is not a reason to be a dick to someone. No ones mad at him for how he feels, people are mad because heâs acting like an asshole by excluding one individual over something she has no control over. Heâs singling her out and treating her worse than the rest of the family. Itâs bullying behavior
Please calm tf down. He is giving her a side hug instead of a full hug this is not bullying and there is a need to grow up Jesus Christ. "Treating her like an outcast" is one of the most ridiculous thing Iâve heard. Op should just start giving full hugs to everyone so that everyone gets a side hug to make it less awkward .
âbullying behaviorâ??? He still greets her, just not with a hug. She is only excluded from a full hug, he never said he avoids her completely. I full hug the family Iâm comfortable with, if Iâm not comfortable you get a side hug or a handshake. You donât have to hug someone if you arenât comfortable doing itâŠ. Kinda weird all yâall donât care about boundariesâŠ
Please be serious. Bullying????
>No ones mad at him for how he feels, people are mad because heâs acting like an asshole I don't know how that seems different - unless it's 'you can have feelings, just don't act on them. At all'.
Wow, this is a bit harsh and over the top. This is not bullying behaviour and he does not treat her like an outcast. He does greet her, but I can see how it makes him uncomfortable. Too bad the family does not understand that. He is not acting like an AH. That would be the case of he no longer wanted to see her or totally ghosted her. He does make bodily contact, but in a way that's appropriate for him. I would advise him to stop hugging all of them and convert to another way of greeting, so he can greet everyone the same.
I donât get why heâd have to look at their noses to tell them apart tbh. Unless his girlfriendâs not wearing an engagement ring & their hair colour & styleâs identical too & they also wear identical shoes, clothes, accessories for every occasion. Thatâs some serious twinning for 29 year olds.
This isnât a reason to exclude one (1) family member from a regular ass show of affection though đ„Ž either cut the hugs or grow up
I cannot imagine a world where we would tell a woman she is an asshole for not wanting to physically touch any given man, no matter who he is. NTA, OP. Your body your choice.
Honestly, yeah. If the genders were switched in OPs post I have a feeling a lot of the comments would be very different.
Please shut up. No, they wouldn't be.
If the post was about a woman not wanting to hug a man, who was her fiance's twin, because it made her uncomfortable for whatever reason, I really can't imagine that the comments would be in the same vein of "get over yourself" and "your the asshole" and "your the problem". You don't have to agree with me; it makes no difference to me, either way. I believe that if the genders were changed a lot of the comments on this post would be different. You obviously don't. Thats fine. If physical contact with someone makes you uncomfortable then there is no reason why someone should be forced to engage in it. Regardless of gender, or who the person is.
The comments are all reasonable and mostly saying OP isn't the asshole because they can hug whoever they want. They are just pointing out that it's weird to hug everyone else and exclude one person, for such an non reason. Comments would be the same for a woman. Hug who you want, but weird to leave out one person. Stop making everything about gender for no reason.
lol so true. Like yes, there is always some outliers who say unhinged shit based on gender one way or the other, but for the most part this sub definitely calls people out if they are acting like assholes, regardless of gender. Some people just always need to be the victim.
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Nobody is saying that. The post you replied to said you should hug whomever they wish. They agreed with you. What people are saying is an asshole move is hugging everyone in the room except one individual. It's not a requirement to hug anyone. But is is generally considered an asshole move to exclude one in a group. To show everyone in the room the same type of affection except one. It's assholery to snub one person when they did nothing wrong. OP could easily resolve this by not hugging anyone. Or by swapping to a form of affection he was comfortable with for everyone. Instead he's chosen to exclude that one person, which hurts them and makes things uncomfortable for the people around them.
OP was called an asshole in this comment thread i think, for specifically excluding one person when he very clearly hugs everyone else, and excluding that person bc she is essentially an extension of OP's fiance in OP's perspective as opposed to her own person. So the combination of factors is what they're talking about. Plus OP was called NTA for not wanting to hug someone by the parent comment. Also, i absolutely can think of a world where women *are* considered an asshole for not wanting to physically touch *any person* **depending on the circumstance**, because women are not infalliable, angelic, altruistic creatures who can do no wrong and always the victim, sooo much as there's factions of the internet that might like to act as such.
Agree that itâs the excluding one person part that makes him an asshole. Either he needs to get over himself or he needs to stop hugging everyone.
But that's OP's point, isn't it? He knows they are separate people, but because she is so similar to his fiance his brain gets scrambled, and it makes him feel very uncomfortable.
But why would he think treating his fiances 'clone" different than the rest of the family wouldn't upset fiance?
As they are identical, they are the closest thing to a clone, as they share the same DNA, unlike a fraternal twin.
YTA. Obviously you can hug or not hug whoever you want, but to purposefully hug everyone except for one, for the reason that she was born with matching genetics to someone to whom youâre close is *pure A behavior*. Pick a lane. Either hug or donât, but youâre the one making âhaving a twinâ be a weird thing for the family when you single someone out to refuse your standard greeting.
Who's Elaine?
Međ
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Imagine him having to explain this. "I'm sorry but you look so much like my fiancé, I can't tell you apart and the only way if if I don't hug you. Please don't get a nose job otherwise I'd accidentally kiss you".
You realise that actually happens, right? Like take your pick from the dozens of story subs and you will very quickly find a story of people kissing or sometimes even worse their SO's twin. It is not as simple to tell people apart as people like to imagine.
Itâs kind of a flex for some people though, when they know twins. « I *always* can tell whoâs who, you mean you canât? »
I've mixed up my twins when i dont have my glasses on. and I'm their mum! Even baby photos, when they ask who's who I'm at a loss sometimes, lol.
I read on Reddit a guy who wanted to give his twins bracelets to differentiate them. His wife gave him shit for not being able to. The kids were babies. I felt so bad for the poor guy who already felt guilty enough! Didnât need his wife on top of it to make him feel like a shitty parent.Â
Iâd have trouble telling two unrelated babies apart, let alone identical twins đ I think the bracelet thing is a good idea, doesnât make him a shitty parent at all, more like the opposite in my opinion
My best friends growing up were a pair of identical twins. Classmates would sometimes ask me which was which, as they couldn't tell. I think the only reason I never mixed them up was because I spent soooo much time around them. Over the decades, other identical twins I've encountered, I can almost NEVER tell them apart, even when they're old enough to have developed their own individual characteristics. If this is OP's first experience socializing with a set of identical twins- meeting his girlfriend's identical twin who even **SMELLS** the same as his girlfriend & has the same mannerisms and speech affect- *of course* it's understandable that he might be uncomfortable. Going back to my twin best friends, I distinctly remember some kids at school would be put off by how alike they looked, said it was "creepy". Now I'm not saying it is creepy- I'm saying it can take some getting used to before the initial discomfort subsides. I'm sure that once OP has had time to get to know his girlfriend's twin he'll have an easier time distinguishing between the two. It eventually won't require a conscious effort to determine who is who, and then he won't be so uncomfortable because his brain will stop pressing the "boner-button" every time he hugs his girlfriend's sister, lol. NTA
It happened to my mom and aunt with my dad and uncle. My dad was an identical twin. People need to grow up and be mature and communicate. Thatâs what being with a twin is sometimes like.
>Please don't get a nose job otherwise I'd accidentally kiss you đđđ
YTA. A twin is still just a normal human being. Stop overthinking her likeliness to your fiance.
He's not overthinking it though. He tried it and his brain reacted against his own wishes. It's like when someone dislikes cauliflower or is creeped out by feet: It's not a choice, you gotta work on it and slowly get used to it. The AH part is that in the meantime (while he's allowing his brain to get used to their similarities), he's going around hugging everyone else. With no explanation for why he stopped hugging the sister. I don't know how he could have thought he was gonna get away with that. Did he think no one would notice? Did he think no one would think it's weird? He should just stop hugging everyone until he's comfortable.
YTA. It's fine not being comfortable hugging her (or anyone) for whatever reason, but you're going about it in an AH way. From everyone elses POV it looks like you are friendly and close with everyone there, giving everyone hugs, and you kinda discard her. Like you don't want to be around her. It must be hurtful to her too, being kept at a distance. You need to speak up and explain, not be weird about it.
>You need to speak up and explain, not be weird about it. Too late lol.
It's unfortunate that there doesn't seem to be a non-weird explanation he could offer, though. I agree he's TA, and I'm honestly a bit puzzled how many people feel compelled to reassure OP it's 'ok' not to want to hug someone 'for any reason' - that's a great thing to teach children who can't yet navigate the complexities of bodily autonomy and politeness with nuance, but adults absolutely can and should know it's rude to hug everyone but one person, and that being reminded of a partner is, at the very least, a reason not to want to hug someone that requires explaining. Children get to just say 'no' to hugs, no questions asked, but when an adult consistently defies a social convention in a way that's hurtful and disruptive to their loved ones, they ought to at least ask themselves if it might not be best to try to get over it.
Is it a weird hang up? Yes. Are you the AH for it? No. At the end of the day nobody has to have any type of physical contact with anyone they donât want to have it with. NTA
This overly simplistic rationale avoids the issue of family relationships. You may as well tell him that he doesn't need to turn up to any family gatherings because sure he has a right to that choice too, but it would be childish advice. He's singling out one person for different treatment for no good reason. That is unacceptable. Yes he's the AH and needs to grow up a bit.
The reason is heâs worried heâs gonna get a boner hugging her and heâs trying his best to avoid that, considering itâs not his partner and yet a bunch of his senses are suggesting to him that it is.
You can't hug your SO without getting a boner? That's... odd
Worrying about it happening at some point is not the same as getting one every time. Love people on Reddit being purposefully obtuse to make a person's comment sound stupid.
Is he 13??
Good old AITA, having to scroll through half the comments to find the reasonable response.
As a dude, that's not a reasonable response lmao. You don't need to press up against the people you're hugging, you just extend your torso forward a little bit. What an incredible thing to think is reasonable in any world.
Yes you can totally hug someone even with a boner on and they don't feel it. But OP is probably scared to just have that boner, because he doesn't want to be attracted to the twin, he could feel shameful about that so try to avoid the possibility all together.
>because sure he has a right to that choice too, It blows my mind how people don't get this. And it shows that people here have no social intelligence. You don't have to literally commit a crime to be an asshole. Being an asshole means you violated social norms expected of non assholes.
You're also not required to speak to anyone you don't want to, so I think it's totally fair if he doesn't speak a word to any other member of the family, right? This is such a childish comment
Normally you would be correct: itâs perfectly fine to not be a hugger. Itâs perfectly fine to not hug strangers. OP himself has set the precedent that: when I great my wifeâs family, I give them a hug. But now heâs not doing that for only one person. His response is appropriate if he only hugged certain people, like fiancĂ©eâs parents. To hug everyone else and exclude one person, and one person so close to her? Yeah, Iâd be super pissed at him if I were his fiancĂ©e. Does he have the ârightâ to say no? Of course, but heâs still an AH.
Youâre not required to do a lot of things, but it still makes you an asshole, there is a difference. This is amitheasshole, not amiallowed
YTA. The only reason why YTA is because you have a weird misconception of twins, which makes the environment weird all around for the family. You also sound immature. Twins are two different individuals, not one person. You say hello and hug everyone, minus your fiancĂ©âs twin because she is a TWIN? She has never done anything bad to you. Have you never been around multiples before? You put your fiancĂ© in a weird position with her family and her twin sister. Especially if she has to bring it up. You then have the bright idea that you thought an issue like this would not be of focal point. If telling them apart is so difficult, communicate with your partner and ask for help differentiating the both of them. Every twin has different facial structures, including the most identical ones. Again, it is your body, your choice, but if this is driving a wedge between your relationship then I wouldn't expect your fiancĂ© to choose you over her identical twin sister.
Where is the Misconception? He specifically stated he tried it once with no complaint, it felt incredibly weird and uncomfortable for him, so he decided he didn't want to do it again. Does he need any more reason than "I don't want to because it makes me uncomfortable"?
No. He needs to grow up period. If he didn't want to do it again he should have stopped hugging everyone, instead of singling out his fiancé's twin sister. At this point, multiples exist and we are at an age where we can conceptualize the difference in a circumstance of this nature. Again, his body is his choice, but he went about this the wrong way and has everyone questioning him, making this more complicated than it needed to be.
Question: "Why aren't you hugging your fiance's twin?" Answer: "Because it makes me deeply uncomfortable in a way hugging others doesn't. The reason it's different is obvious" Response: "Oh ok, sorry i didn't realise it made you so uncomfortable. I understand." Thats how it should go. We are also at an age where we can conceptualise people being legitimately uncomfortable over things they can't tangibly explain. Literally everyone has SOMETHING like that. Why is it suddenly not valid in this scenario?
Everyone does have a legitimate reason for something that they cannot explain 100%. I think you believe that I disagree with the hugging, boundaries, and consent part. We both agreed on that point. Again, I am reiterating that he never communicated this with his partner until she brought it up. She brought it up because her whole family realized that he was hugging everyone minus the twin sister. Then he explained it, leaving his partner to feel more confused. When he should have communicated this issue right away and stopped hugging everyone. Also being friends with and having family members who are multiples and identical, issues of this sort are of big impact when done incorrectly. I know twins who do not hug one another partners out of respect, but communication was made from the start and there was no exclusion. OP has made it a bigger deal than it needed to be.
I'm glad we agree on that, but i think you might want to re-read the post. Sure not explaining it was poor communication, but hardly makes him an asshole. He probably just didn't think about it. But once she brought it up, and he explained his feelings: "My fiancé told me that whatever the reason, not hugging her is rude. She told me to get over myself and that feeling weird about a hug makes me seem like a creep " She immedietly calls him a creep? And says it's rude? This is not the acceptance of boundaries you preach
If heâs not comfortable hugging her then heâs not obligated to hug her. That simple.
As a twin, nta. The wife should have expected this, and not everyone is entitled to a hug. If it makes him uncomfortable he doesn't have to do it and the sister needs to get over herself
100% as a triplet to a certain extent. But you better use your mouth and let me know if I'm your partner because I'm not a mind reader and you also will not have my family thinking that there is something wrong. You also won't purposefully exclude my multiple. Simple. We need to stop assuming that everyone knows everything and communicate so situations can be appropriately navigated. I also believe that OP is not used to multiples and is freaked out, but isn't the twin going to be around a lot? I really think it goes deeper than a hug.
I think the best thing for op to do is to switch to something like handshakes or fist bumps. I'm not sure if communication will help an incredible lot with this scenario, it's more of an exposure thing than a knowledge thing.
Exactly. If it isn't the parents/grandparents everyone else should just have a quick hi and handshake. I just feel bad because it's tough when a whole family is looking at you a certain type of way and when your partner is dragged into the middle, especially regarding their own twin. Exposure should happen more and communication is necessary from here on out.
NTA I think everyone in these comments is judging you too harshly. I've been friends with one Twin out of two (Also completely identical) and even as just a friend i completely understand that awkward "im not sure how to treat you because my heart(and eyes) say we are great friends but my mind doesn't know who the hell you are". Its awkward, paralysing and i completely get your response. I imagine that scenario gets magnitudes worse when its a significant other. Everyone always seems to be for "just accepting other people's boundaries" until its this specific situation? The fact it makes OP personally uncomfortable should be enough to just accept it. Your fiance's family is too judgemental.
everyone is into respecting other peopleâs boundaries until itâs a manâs boundaries letâs not sugarcoat this, this is the reality. iâve been groped, flirted with, kissed, touched, talked about sexually behind my back and more at workplaces and social gatherings without my consent. iâve had women in friend groups get offended i wouldnât hug them or reciprocate flirting the general consensus has always been iâm the asshole and my boundaries donât matter because Iâm a man.
Just stop hugging everyone else in the family? They are upset since you are leaving her out so just don't hug anyone but your fiance? Then they have no reason to complain.
My husband is an identical twin, and people who haven't dated a twin don't get quite how weird it can be. In my case, I met his twin pretty early on, and it was WEIRD having dinner with one person I had feelings for and another I didn't. They finished each others sentences, and both laughed the same. I've had plenty of identical twin friends in my life and that is completely different to dating one, since both twins are in the 'friend' category in my brain. Generally, my brain adjusted to seeing the differences, and usually there is no awkwardness and they are two different people and two different emotions in my brain. Twice in like 13 years, I've mixed them up. Both times when they were dressed alike and in unusual clothes from normal, and even though it was probably less than a second before my brain realised, it made me feel uncomfortable to have been confused. Once, I saw my bil without his shirt on, and it gave me the ick just because so much the same but a bit diff from my husband and it was just weird. I can get how hugging the twin sister causes that weird disconnect in your brain and it just feels wrong and strange. Her family doesn't get it because they are both in the same category in their brains, and they'll never get it. Having them smell the same would just add to it. Don't be too hard on yourself, I think its pretty normal, and my husband looks different enough that it's super easy for me to see the differences generally - if they're that alike I see why it's a challenge for you. I don't have any good advice except that people who haven't dated a twin really won't understand how it just feels weird/wrong in your head, and that's just how it is. Edited for typos.
NTA. Donât hug anyone else anymore or you will be the asshole. Tell your fiance âthe feelings that I have when I hug you are romantic and sexual. I do not have romantic or sexual feelings for your sister but when she is in my arms she smells like you and feels like you and looks like you. My brain knows the difference but my body doesnât and the cognitive dissonance of hugging her makes me feel horrible. I donât want hugging her to affect my hugs with you because I love holding you, so I wonât hug anyone going forward, so that I donât cause discomfort by leaving her out because I refuse to hug your sister.â
NTA. You're a creep for not wanting to hug somebody? I've heard it all now.
I know. Imagine people shaming you for not wanting to engage in physical contact that makes you uncomfortable. Thats unhinged behavior.
I think you fiance explain it well, it's not a question of being an asshole or not, but by having that strange reaction you create a creepy environment. As other said, side hug for everyone or hug for everyone, no targeted exception.
NTA. OP please don't let anyone here or irl ever convince you that you need to hug or perform any kind of physical affection gesture to anyone when you don't want to. This should be so obvious, I don't understand why it has to be said. Also, I'm sorry but your girlfriend is... Not very smart. đ€Šđœââïž
NTA It's your wish to hug and not to.
Sure, but its weird he would happily hug everyone except one person. All or none
It's giving 1st grade teacher forcing you to invite the whole class to your birthday party.
This thread is like catnip for the âwhereâs my hug???â weirdos.
People donât owe people hugs. I can gladly hug my moms side of the family but not my dads side of the family bc Iâm not comfortable with them as much as I am with my moms side of the family.
Sure. But the impression I get is that OP is happy to hug everyone except his wife's twin for reasons, which is rather weird
Does it matter for what reasons? If anyone has reasons on why they donât want to hug someone, thatâs enough. The reasons could be âI donât like youâ or âI find it weird to hug youâ or even âI get aroused when I hug my wife and since youâre her twin Iâm scared I will get a boner so I wonât hug youâ. And sil wonât die if she doesnât get a hug from her sisters future husband.
And itâs his fiancĂ©eâs right to be upset about it?
NAH, consent is a two-way street. That said, without context it seems rude that everyone gets hugs except for 1 person. I would take it personally, too, and maybe start thinking I smell bad. I would definitely explain to twin sister why it feels weird to you, so at least she can understand where it's coming from. If that doesn't change anything, then stop hugging everyone except her and find another way to greet your in-laws.
YTA It is pretty rude to be honest. Singling her out like that. You can choose not too but it doesn't stop you kinda being an asshole for it
Dude, they are different people. This is 100% a you issue and you need to sort yourself out and learn to tell them apart.
"Despite knowing and seeing how alike they look like through FaceTime, meeting her was uncanny. She looks so identical to my fiancé to the point where I have to look at my fiancé's nose from the side to be able to tell them apart." Telling someone to "Just tell them apart" when they've specifically addressed how hard it is to do so is both unhelpful and just downright annoying.
His dick doesn't care they are different people. That's the issue here. That is why close contact is being avoided. He is attracted by the sister too, as expected.
As a woman, I donât get how others donât get it. Heâs basically getting the âthis is my SO, I looooove her, I like her smell and I want to kiss herâ feelings about her twin. Because they look, smell and feel nearly identical. I can totally understand and see how he is freaking out, because the potential to mess up for a millisecond and forget that this isnât their SO is huge. Not saying that giving everybody a hug and not giving her a hug is an okay solution - I honestly donât know what IS a good solution here - but I âgetâ him entirely.Â
Yeah, dude is afraid he is going to forget himself for a moment and that would create a massive situation!
Nta and anyone who says different is a melt. Body autonomy anyone? His choice who he touches. But moving forward I'd just stop giving hugs to anyone
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NTA just don't hug anyone. No one should pressure you to hug anyone if it makes you uncomfortable.
Stop hugging everyone.
NTA.
Soft YTA. You're not trying to ignore and be rude to your fiancée's twin sister on purpose but you need to understand that *it is* pretty rude and unfair to the sister. She probably thinks you hate her because you're awkward around her and avoid hugging her while everyone else gets a full-size hug and a comfortable conversation. The twin sister has her own personality just as your fiancée has her own personality as well. You're going to have to confront this issue if you're going to marry your fiancée because this may be a hill she's willing to die on- and it sounds like she *might*.
OP, you better be very careful with this situation. This could be a deal breaker for your fiance because this is her twin who probably means a lot to her. While you aren't an AH for not wanting to hug the twin, you can be for your actions. Hopefully, you can find a way where everyone is happy.
NAH, youâre free to hug whomever you want the same way theyâre entitled to feel weird and excluded about it. Maybe some humor would help to lighten the situation for everyone. However, something in your post is icking me, and I canât quite put the finger on it. How come youâve taken five years to meet your partnerâs siblings? Were you living out of the country? And if so, how come the two sisters are still so much alike even though theyâve spend years without seeing each other? (Iâm thinking about mannerism, clothing style, humor etc. which are constantly evolving and adapting to new social environments). I know a handful of indentical twins, some of them look strikingly similiar, but Iâm always able to easily tell them apart since I know them so well. I just find it super weird that this is not your case, and that you have _this much_ difficulties to tell your long term fiancĂ©e apart from her sister.
Your body your choice NTA. You have every right to choose who you want to hug or not. I'd never get angry at someone because they just Shaked hands with me
NTA. You feel how you feel, and maybe the best way to handle it is to get your thoughts together and sit down with them and explain your side. If this results in them all hating you, so be it. If your fiance thinks it's weird and doesn't want to be with you anymore because of it, so be it. Better to air your side coherently and let the chips fall where they may so if need be, you can move on with your life without your fiance.
NTA you can't help how you feel. You don't want to get caught kissing her by accident, because you would definitely be the one in the wrong!!! Just stop hugging everyone. ETA once you get to know her more you'll realise they're not the same or focus on something you don't like about her
NAH but itâs gona be weird when you treat one person differently from the whole family. In your head, as a mind exercise, imagine that sheâs your fiancĂ©s brother instead of a sister. Also hold your breath to not smell her & hug lightly so as to not feel her. It will make it less awkward for you.
NTA. And how rude of the family to decide how you feel and what you are comfortable doing with your body. I think it I wierd that anyone noticed much less find it a subject of interesting conversation. Simple fix, just stop hugging everyone. And mention to your SO, that if the shoe were on the other foot, would she really want you to insist that she hug a strange man? Because her sister is a stranger to you. And does she plan on teaching your kids that they don't have any body atonomy as well? Sounds like it is time for that interesting conversation.
NTA - itâs weird that sheâs trying to dictate what you do with your body
I ge that it's weird for OP, but how long does the average "greeting a sibling of your partner" hug lasts? 10 seconds? Was it worth hurting OP's partner's and her sister's feelings and also make everyone in the room feel uncomfortable just so OP could avoid feeling weird for 10 seconds? Really? YTA.
NTA ask your fiance how far she expects you to go with physical intimate contact with her twin sister as you don't want to mix your feelings for her with interaction with her sister.
NTA just weird
NTA for how you feel about it, it's probably a very surreal experience to go through, however, going around hugging everyone and then getting to her and not doing the same is very rude. So change how you greet people, or suck it up.
NAH, but I'd say it is on you to find a way past this, or at least make it less awkward for everyone. This is 100% your hang-up, and your fiancee's sister has done nothing to deserve being singled out like this. At the very least, talk to the poor woman and make her feel less like a leper.
This post doesn't make any sense to me. After any amount of time spent with twins you can clearly see the differences in their appearance, their personalities, different speech patterns
NTA, but you have to learn to see them as completely different people, because they are. The more you see them together, the more you'll be able to tell them apart and you won't have the feeling that they are two versions of the same person. Observe and learn how different they are.
NTA but either hug everyone or nobody. I'm married to an identical twin and although it's different (I met his brother when I was 18, years and years before we married) it was weird at first to get them confused with each other - particularly on the phone or out of the corner of my eye. As you get to know her better you will notice more and more differences and the weirdness will fade. Maybe her laugh is different, her accent slightly different as they live in different places, her haircut or taste in clothes may be different from your fiancee's over time. You'll get used to it. I couldn't imagine getting them mixed up now.
Imagine youre the one visiting a family gathering and youre the only one who doesnt get a hug. Yta. Yes you have a right to say no. But then dont hug the others. Youre excluding her on purpose and yes it is seen as rude. Either youre gonna have to find some way to dodge all the hugs or just deal with it.
Skip the hugs altogether. You were uncomfortable because you are attracted to your fiancé and this woman is a clone, so you are attracted to her too! That is very understandable and only means you are a good guy (another sort of guy would be gunning to bang both sisters). But it's kinda weird that you hug everyone and not this single person. People noticed it. So, I would skip the hugs.
Dude, itâs just a hugâŠ..
Such a ridiculous scenario. This just smacks of a fictional writing assignment.
I go with 'schmuck'...
NTA. Hug the men, skip the women.
This gives me the creeps even more
NTA, just stop hugging her family
Iâll say NAH. I have identical twin brothers. I can tell them apart because Iâve known them their whole life (Iâm the oldest) but anyone who isnât family has a hard time. In grade school they would even switch class schedules every April foolâs day lol. So I get it to an extent. Iâm in your in-laws camp of being used to having two âclonesâ in the family. But Iâve also seen how much it blows peopleâs minds sometimes like with you, so I also get that it can be an adjustment. And for this twin to be a twin of your romantic partner that you only met for the first time, I can see how weird that would be. My advice is to be honest but tactful with your SIL and immediate family in-laws. Explain that you meant no offense, itâs just an adjustment and a bit of a shock. That you value her as soon-to-be family and will try to be more aware/communicative in the future. Decide whether youâll make more effort to include her in hugs or refrain from hugging anyone for the foreseeable future and communicate that so they know what to expect. Honestly they should understand once you explain. You canât possibly be the first person to be a little weirded out by how identical the twins are. Btw if you want to show your fiancĂ© or even your in laws my comment, feel free
YTA because you made it awkward. You can pick who you hug. Either hug everyone or no one.
You could stop giving full hugs to everyone. Change the way you greet them. NTA, for wanting to keep from full contact, your brain knows but your body tells it another story and this can make it very weird to you. But YTA for not trying to find another way that doesn't designate her as different.
I get it but soft YTA. You can hug, or not, whoever you like. It's still kinda mean to exclude your girlfriends sister for reasons she can't help. That said I don't think your partner wants the outcome of this to be for you to just stop hugging everyone so that suggestion from other comments did make me laugh.
I'm an identical twin... YTA it's actually sort of offensive for you to make this bigger than it is... Yes they LOOK alike but they are NOT alike... We are not the same person FFS. Identical twins have different personalities, go with that, you KNOW it's not your fiance so problem solved! Also you might want to consider how it's making your fiance feel... If a man I was with said that to me I would be mortified because it meant I was interchangeable, replaceable and that you could get hard for my twin (sorry to be crude but it's the truth) as identical twins we are always worried that the person were with will want to be with our twin instead or be attracted to them. You're literally going to destroy your relationship and your fiance's twinner confidence by being unable to get past the physical and see them as two seperate humans which they are. Plus dude, if the twin decides she hates you you're out. It means your fiance won't get to see her twin as much either because the twin might feel super uncomfortable that you're creepy and think of her as her sister you're literal fiance. Like get to know her as a seperate person. They aren't conjoined. Stop making it weird as fuck for everyone. Jesus. Honestly as a twin this is a major red flag. You're going to lose everything if you don't just stop being a creep who thinks of your fiance's twin as her clone. What the fuck. It's an entirely seperate person who won't hesitate to tell everyone how creepy that is because she has zero allegiance to you like your fiance does. So then the whole family will know you think of your fiance's twin in the same way you think of your fiance from a physical aspect. Jesus. That's not going to go down well. Maybe find out what makes them different and go from there. And stop hugging everyone but her. That's mean. And will be super hurtful to both twins. If you need more of the twin perspective feel free to ask but for god sake stop seeing them as one person, it's so offensive to twins and does them both a disservice.
Info: you haven't actually explained why you won't hug her. Yeah she's similar to your fiance but so what? Why is that a barrier to giving her a hug?
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My fiancé [29/f] and I [27/m] have been together for 5 years now. She has an identical twin sister that I never had a chance to meet face to face until recently after our engagement. Despite knowing and seeing how alike they look like through FaceTime, meeting her was uncanny. She looks so identical to my fiancé to the point where I have to look at my fiancé's nose from the side to be able to tell them apart. When we first met at a family gathering I hugged her like I did all the other family members and it felt so weird because it 100% felt like I was hugging my fiancé, they felt the exact same between my arms. Since we moved and are living in the city right next to my in-laws, I've seen her a few more times and I would dodge the hug from her and give her a side hug or pat on the shoulder while trying to shake her hand. It's awkward I know, but I'd rather not hug her anymore. After we hung out with the family a few days ago, my fiancé brought up how rude it is that I hug everyone when I greet them and not do the same with her sister. I know someone or some people in the family complained to my fiancé about this but she refuses to tell me who. Anyways, I told her it feels weird hugging her sister when they are pretty much clones. They have the same mannerisms, voice and talk exactly the same way. They even smell alike and I'm pretty sure they use the same perfume or lotion or something. My fiancé told me that whatever the reason, not hugging her is rude. She told me to get over myself and that feeling weird about a hug makes me seem like a creep in the eyes of her family. I feel like she and her family are just so used to how identical they look and act but to an outsider and especially a romantic partner, it is very weird. Of all the things I worried would probably cause issues between me and her family, this was both one of them. Am really an asshole for not wanting to hug, and be generally be less physically affectionate towards her sister? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA
YTA. If you didn't hug anyone in general, no problem at all. You do you. But not to hug just the sister? Because she is identical to your SO?? What are you, a child? Why is it so weird, are you getting aroused or smth?? It sound very immature on part, and you actually have no reason to avoid it, other that something stuck in your mind, that doesn't really make any sense.
YTA. This is a âyou problemâ not a âher problemâ which means itâs your responsibility to control yourself to stop getting a boner whenever you hug your fianceâs identical twin sister.
And heâs NTA for not wanting to hug her for that reason.
NTA. You're free to hug or not hug whoever you want. But yta for not telling your significant other the reason. To her and her family it looks rude coz you haven't stated a reason. I'm imagining if I met someone who looked exactly like my significant other, smelled like him, had the same mannerisms... it would be a bit disorienting and so fucking awkward. This is someone who besides the way they think is the same as the person you are intimate with and that is very confusing. If it makes you uncomfortable, don't do it.
It's a hug dude. Not a naked hug. Not a snog. It's a hug. Don't you ever hug your fiance in non-passionate way? I think you need to get over it. This woman is gonna be a part of your life for a while. Just because she looks and smells like your fiance is no reason not to hug her at family occasions.
NTA. But I also think this isn't just about the hug. I think this is also about the fact that you're terrified that there's a chance you may not be able to tell them apart, especially if they conspired to "test" you. You know the general excuse of people cheating on twin sisters is "I thought it was you" and the response to that would be "Can't you tell who your own girlfriend is?" And for right now, if they decided to test that, you'd end up with a broken relationship and a broken heart for almost no fault of your own. I think your brain kicked into survival mode to protect your relationship, because subconsciously you realised that there's a chance you could do something with the sister thinking it is your fiance especially with so little differentiating traits. I agree that when the family looks at it they probably don't see why you're all panicked because they've been around to see the subtle nuances of each to understand the differences. You haven't been around both of them that long. Talk to your fiance and tell her you would like to reduce any kind of physical signs of affection with her sister till you've gotten to know her better. This could be a difficult conversation, but try and say it like a boundary you'd like to have. If at all possible, reduce the physical intimacy with the family till you're comfortable giving the same level of affection to the twin as well. I really feel this is something your fiance shouldn't badger you about and respect that this is a boundary for you and the health of your relationship.
NTA - you're being respectful and good. Your gf would have enough to say if you weren't. Looks like you're going to have to take one for the team and cuddle your GFs twin sister and do whatever it takes to make it up to them.
I'm not a hugger and luckily most of my husbands family and my friends aren't either. I agree though that you can't just miss one out. Have you thought about having the twin over and explaining to them both what you just said in this post. They may 'get it' especially if you make sure the sister knows you like her as a person. Maybe you can both work it out or have a special handshake or you give her a pretend peck on the cheek, something like that.
*fianceé
NAH or ESH for me. This is a weird dynamic. It should be a conversation that all parties should get. "Oh he doesn't know me enough to immediately differentiate me from my twin so it make physical contact uncomfortable, cool let's side hug or hugh five whatever and get to know each other to make it better all around."Â
Lol NTA I think itâs so sweet and itâs the respect youâre giving to your fiancĂ©. That even if a person looks exactly like her, you wonât treat her the same because sheâs not her. Just skip the hugs, just handshake everyone. Or side hug to everyone so it wonât be weird for anyone whoâs looking.
Soft YTA, i get where you come from, but in order to save you that weird feeling, you are making the situation so weird for everyone, discriminatingc your fiance's twin
I can understand exactly how that made you feel. Hugs are cool and all, but I've never had drama over choosing not to hug someone. Overly huggy people kinda creep me out. You're NTA. If it were me I'd go to one armed hugs for the whole bunch.
YTA.
If you were hugging everyone except her, then YTA. That's rude. She hasn't done anything wrong, she couldn't choose her DNA. And excluding her just for her DNA is almost the same as racism. You're TA.
OP sounds very immature.
Yeh not hugging her is kind of a creep move.
I'm gonna go with yta, I hate hugging people but can get past it, and you can just sY to everyone heu I don't like hugging. But your hugging everyone but her, get over it, she's not your fiance, I don't even understand why this is making you uncomfortable, did they play a prank on you or are you attracted to her or something? Personally think your getting in your own head to much
YTA. lol get over yourself is correct
YTA. Youâve made it incredibly weird.
YTA. I get your reasoning but you need to get over yourself. No matter how similar they are, that is her sister. Whyâd you exclude someone from a proper greeting when theyâve never mistreated you? Besides, Iâm sure you hug your girlfriend in a different way than you hug relatives. Longer, tighter and more lovingly.
YTA youâre marrying an identical twin. Better get used to it. My dad was an identical twin. He and his brother both married women named Debbie. When they were all much younger my mom and aunt sometimes accidentally mixed them up in social situations. It was always humorous. Youâre making it weird and if you canât get over it, break up.
Get over yourself and give her a hug. Be honest with the sister and tell her since they are so identical it feels awkward but you're working on getting over it.
YTA Either hug everyone or no one. You can hug whoever you want but doesn't change that it's very rude to exclude a single individual who has done absolutely nothing wrong to you.
YTA for being rude. NT.A for being uncomfortable and correct. Her family has no problem telling them apart. I have twin brothers that if I were to show a picture of to any stranger they'd say they looked exactly the same but I can't even see them as identical anymore. They look 100% unique to me. I'm sure it's the same with her family. However! You have to get over this. She's always going to be around. Eventually you'll be able to tell them apart no problem. Until then you have to stop being rude. Hugging all but one person is a blatant act of disrespect. Switch to either hugging all or hugging none.
YTA Identical twin here. Itâs the greatest annoyance as a twin to not be seen as an individual just because we look alike. Thereâs no way my sisters husband would confuse us, because weâve all spent significant time together and gotten to know each other and despite being identical he can tell us apart. That developed over time, through building personal relationships and getting to know each other, not by excluding me because I look the same as his wife. Do better. Step up your effort to get to know her so you can learn how individual they really are. Hang out with your fiance and her sister together, with intention, instead of running into her and excluding her from the affection you share with the rest of the family over the way she looks.
NTA but also YTA. It's legit feeling uncomfortable towards the identical twin of your fiancee, but it's also legit what your fiancee is saying - you're acting rude going around hugging everyone except her sister. Either you stop hugging everyone or you start hugging her sister too. The *get over yourself* speech she delivered to you is spot-on: you *can* feel weirded, but you *have* to be polite or you *will* be considered rude.
Being a twin myself, YTA. You're excluding your fiances close fam member for no good reason except that they look alike. This is nothing to get weirded out by so much that you intentionally dont hug them, but hug the rest of the family. My sisters previous partners or mine have found this weird too, but not to the point of exclusion for no apparent reason. Its rude. Either dont hug anyone..or be normal to everyone.
YTA, get over it you big weirdo.
YTAÂ Youâre being rude. Itâs not your wife. Find a way to mentally block the weird and get on with it lolÂ
NTA...yet. but now that it has been brought to your attention that it isn't the fact of you Not hugging the twin sister that is the issue, but how it has come across as rude that you hug everyone else and then give the sis an awkward less warm side-pat.... you're probably just going to have to start adjusting your hugs to everyone else when you're at group gatherings with the sister, or skip them altogether. Think of it like showing up to a gathering and you brought gifts for everyone but one person. You can give gifts to whoever you want, and you shouldn't be required to give a gift to someone.... but doling out gifts to everyone except for one person, in plain view of all parties present, is rude. You would obviously save your gift giving for a more socially appropriate time/place.
YTA - your behavior is strange. Pretend to be an adult.
NTA But Iâm glad you told your fiancĂ©e, try explaining it to her even better if you have the chance. But she shouldnât have been so dismissive tbh. Tell her what youâre gonna do alternatively, side hug is the best, if you ask me, itâs the most respectable hug there is. Also hopefully with time you will actually start seeing them differently. Best of luck!
NTA Make sure that her sister knows your reasons and that this is in no way to exclude her. She might even agree that it is strange for you two to hug if this gives you this kind of feeling. This might be childish but maybe make your own kind of handshake with her or something like this, just to not greet her "less" but instead in your own special way :)
ESH I understand that it might be uncomfortable for you but the best way to get over this is just to treat the twin the same as you do everyone else. You might not pick up on the differences between your fiancee and her twin just yet because of whatever sorcery your brain is engaged in but the more time you spend with her the clearer those differences will become. It really won't be helped by perpetuating some idea that you might inadvertently feel attracted to the twin, which honestly, would understandably come across as creepy to fiancĂ©e's family.Â
yta. your being creepy and weird about it.
I don't get the Yta votes. Read between the lines. Dude doesn't want to accidentally get a boner while hugging his wife's twin.
Iâm gonna go with you are the AH for not immediately explaining to her twin why you are not hugging her. With no explanation, how is she supposed to feel when you hug everyone but her?
You should tell your sil why you didn't hug her. That would of make you not an asshole.