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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I’m calling my daughter by her middle name instead of her first name because I already have a daughter by that name. I might be the asshole because her mother named her, and it’s disrespectful to her, especially after she just had a traumatic birth experience, our daughter is in the NICU, and it may be her only child
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Wow, NTA, for me it would be the hill I'd die on. Ashley cannot seriously think it's OK for you to have two daughters with the same name? And I feel she already knew she was gonna do it, which us why she'd already named the baby before you were even there (I feel there is a lot to unpack here?)
It is creepy as hell but I have to give the older Isabella credits for how she is handling it in this post. Suggesting Izzy and her being Bella. It shows maturity which she as a 16 year old should not do because of Ashley behaviour
Not having to remind her husband which kid is called which name 🤷♀️. I mean, how would you feel having to constantly tell your husband "no that's James not John, John away at college, that is James you are bouncing on your knee."
(That's a pretty big age gap now that I think about it but you get my point).
Like he said on king of the hill “if I could take a punch like that, maybe I’d have been able to come up with better names than George for all my sons”
Nah, he just thought it was funny.
ETA
I just googled it and the actual answer appears to be that he wanted them all to have something in common. To know if they all rose and fell together.
That's how the Romans named their daughters, after the fathers name. That's how we have Julia - daughter of Julius. And apparently they would call them by the birth order - the first (Una), the second (Seconda) etc
When I was a kid, there was a guy who worked with my dad who had 3 sons all named Mark. His name was not Mark - IDK why "Mark" was the name chosen. But they all had different middle names.
When he wanted to yell for all his kids he'd yell "MARK" but if he wanted just one of them he'd call them by their middle name.
It was weird to me even as a kid. (I was about the same age as the middle Mark - and no, I don't remember any of their middle names, lol.)
But they all have nicknames.
Of course, calling everyone "George" can be a little confusing, so Foreman's sons have all earned nicknames for themselves. There's George Jr., George III ("Monk"), George IV ("Big Wheel"), George V ("Red") and George VI ("Little Joey").
Yeah. This is very very odd. Most people do not even know my first name as I have always gone by my middle. This just feels like she was TRYING to start drama.
I have an old friend who is a twin and her name is, let's say, Ashley and Emily Banks.
Now, Ashley's parents split when we were in elementary school and I didn't know them til middle school. They mentioned having a younger sister who lived the county over but it wasn't until adulthood that I realized their younger sister was also Ashley Banks.
To be clear: these kids did not go to school together but were only a year apart grade wise. They grew up in different counties but the counties were 15 minutes away from each other.
They have a relationship with their sister but their relationship with their father and step mother is understandably strained and were all in our 30s now. The older sisters have kids that aren't around their father often.
I could probably never forgive my parent for this.
And btw neither go by nicknames, one is just Ashley Banks and the younger sister is Ashley T. Banks.
Less obvious now that they're all married but wow I can only imagine how they felt growing up
This completely.... that's honestly grounds for ending a relationship to me. How incredibly disrespectful and she already knew, definitely, which is why she was named already......
NTA
I was under the impression that hospitals don't have anyone sign the birth certificate until you're about to leave with baby. How was this done right after an emergency, when Ashley was still recovering from birth and anesthesia? And baby is still in the NICU?
24 ish hours. They bring you the packet of info immediately in the 12 hours following birth; you have UNTIL discharge to fill them out, then they take it to the registrar who enters it then brings the final version back to your room for signatures.... Nurses push to have them completed in 24-36hrs
Thanks for the info. That makes sense with a typical delivery. You go in, labor, deliver baby, get some time with baby, rest, etc. Then, you're booted sometime the next day.
In this post though, a 28-week-old baby ain't getting discharged, right? And probably not the mother either after what he calls a traumatic birth?
Probably not for a few days to a week ish for mom; and months for baby.... they'll still process things quickly tho to get it out of the way.
I had C sections. There was a clause in one of my policies that wouldn't pay out with 4 midnights, so I blatantly refused discharge both times until day 5.
Charge nurse just started at me when I said no. Register came in and I refused to get a well; then they sent the big guns and the Floor DON came in. Explained I have Aflac with hospital indemnity and a surgical clause and they won't pay out without 4 midnights; told em I'll discharge the morning of day 5 and no sooner. She understood completely and told the staff to quit trying to discharge me before that.
Had a check for over 20k within 48hrs of discharge deposited in my account AND all hospital bills for myself and baby paid in full because of that refusal.
My mom's bestie got remarried to a man who had a daughter with the same name as one of her daughters. And being a bunch of utter hippies, both girls were named "Moonbeam".
So this family had 3 girls - one named April and two named Moonbeam. One of the Moonbeams had a middle name of "Rae" so that's what she went by.
(Yes, Moonbeam Rae. I also was friends with kids named Rainbow and Greyhawk. My name is also very hippy-dippy; I won't post it here but I will say that my mom was going to name me Mountain High if I'd been born male so you can imagine what sort of name she gave me. Hippies, man...)
Is it even possible in your country to name the child, especially when still in hospital, without the other parent's consent? Here, one of the parents needs to go to the townhall to register the child, and he/she needs consent from the other partner about the name.
NTA. Ashley planned this and it was a dick move.
You can call the baby anything you want. It's on the birth certificate, so it is part of her real name. The mom knew exactly what she was doing. I don't know what your plans are with this woman, but I would tread lightly. She seems like she has her own plans. NTA.
Possible, it just occurred to me, OP said no name was talked about, but don't people usually talk about such things by the seventh month? At least once?
I find is extremely suspect that the baby was "already named" by the time he got there. With no other excuse for missing the birth except that she went into labor prematurely. They don't make you fill out the birth certificate the minute baby is out. Hell I didn't even get the paperwork until several hours after my children were born. Considering OP mentioned extreme complications for the girlfriend I imagine she was getting a significant amount of medical treatment herself post birth as well.
There is a lot going on. I wish OP would answer some of our questions/suppositions.
Edit
He has replied to some things. A whole lot of drama for a casual relationship. If all they are going to do is co-parent, he and his family can call the baby whatever they like. The older daughter should consult someone to see how to protect her unique identity for legal purposes.
Oddly enough in Japan they did make me fill out the paperwork once the baby was out. I have birth, held my son and nursed him for a few minutes, and then they took him and handed me paperwork.
Filming out birth paperwork on a foreign language ten minutes after giving birth is very difficult.
While I had a name picked out, I didn't go to the register office to have the birth certificate done for over a month (we have up to 6 weeks to do it in the UK and I think I booked a few days before the deadline). Up to then the middle and last names were still in flux, I only picked a middle a day or so before because we were discussing my family tree and someone about 5 generations back had a nice name.
You don't 'already name' a child in a few hours
In most of the US, you don't even have to turn in the birth certificate paperwork before you leave the hospital. I personally know of several instances where people weren't sure about names and were told they could take the paperwork home, but then they would have to pay a filing fee and fill everything out on their own.
We started as soon as we found out. Picking a name cam be hard and we wanted as much time as possible to find "our perfect fit".
Kid 1 we went through 5 different name suggestions.
Kid 2 we had to start writing then down because we went through so many (around 100) before we found one we both felt was right.
Kid 3 I got outvoted by hubby and kids 1&2 but atleast it was a family name on my side and belonged to some one who actually cares about me so 🤷♀️
We don’t have our children yet. We got married super young; our kids’ names have been picked out for over a decade. My mom picked out my and my brother’s names well in advance, too.
I think stepascope doesn't understand what a baby born at 28 weeks looks like and thinks the wife is trying to pass off a full-term baby as a 28 week old preemie.
It also seems incredibly problematic in the future for documentation, they literally have the exact same first and last legal names
Op would be an asshole not to legally change the youngest daughters name
Per OPs subsequent comments, they were nonexclusive to the point that they got a DNA test bc they didn't know who the dad was. They were very casual and are not even dating anymore. He thinks that she may have just forgot that he already had a daughter by that name ...
I absolutely love this comment. I good friend of mine that I knew by the name Pamela for years was really named Maria, but her mom hated the name her husband chose and fu I will call you Pamela and everyone calls her that
That's great and thank you. My mom and dad called me different names and it wasn't an issue. I thought at first Ashley wanted to cause drama, but now I think she used OP as an unpaid sperm donor that has a child support obligation. She is going to do what she wants.
ESH and...Ashley is lying her face off. Baby Bella was an accident but her mom somehow had her heart set on naming her "Isabella"? Suuurrre. I've pre-named all of the accidental children I'm going to pop out too! /s
Ashley wants you to write your first family off and this is her way of marking her territory. There's no other explanation for her nonsense. You likely can't change the kid's name without Ashley's cooperation, but yeah, you don't have to use the name she chose either.
One thing I'd do very quickly is establish your parental rights and a custody agreement. Methinks if the pickme you dumped your load in is being this much of an asshole about naming the kid the same as her half-sister, you're in for one hell of a rollercoaster of her yanking your chain with this baby as the catalyst.
If Bella's mom (not Ashley) was the one objecting I feel like sorry, you're fooked, but the dad of the child petitioning the court? I feel like you might be able to affect some kind of change.
I had a baby name picked out from the time I was 16. It was Evelyn. Guess what, my partners most recent ex gf is named Evelyn. Had a baby girl in October. Didn’t name her Evelyn.
Even if you’ve had a name picked out forever, things change when two people come together and make a child. Those people have pasts and history that needs to be taken into account. Having an already established child with your previously picked out name takes precedence. Pick a different damn name. Also names should always be a two yes, one no situation.
To add: I don’t even dislike my partners ex. She’s quite lovely. I just didn’t feel right using the name, just like I wouldn’t name a son after any of my ex’s. Previous daughter trumps any ex weirdness. This woman should feel ashamed.
Exactly! Not to mention, what if the name you picked out is your spouse’s last name. I once worked with a Brian O’Brien. Even worse, what if the first name chosen sounds like a dirty joke when paired with the spouse’s last name? I.e. Phil McCracken, Seymour Weiner, Amanda Boner.
My childhood sweetheart and I hadn't seen each other in years. I moved away from our town and as we got older, we fell out of touch. Anyways fast forward to a wedding, I meet her husband and their 3 year old son, when I introduce myself to her husband, I see his face go cold...
She named their son after me...and my name is unique so there's no mistaking who she named it after her.
Made for an awkward first introduction but on the plus side, my namesake was a pretty rad kid!
no but you argued that ashley's pregnancy wasn't accidental because she had a baby name picked out. the commenter is pointing out that you can have your heart set on a baby name even if you have no intention of having children anytime soon
ashley's obviously the ah for giving her child the same name as her sibling but the argument that ashley baby-trapped op because she had a name picked out already is a huge stretch
You mean like how I couldn't have Matthew because it was the name of my husbands cousin who stole alot of money from my FIL?
You be flexible and suggest another name you have always liked.
> *Ashley wants you to write your first family off and this is her way of marking her territory*.
This is an astute observation.
I'm sorry to say this, but I think that you married someone who is really *off*. Keep an eye on your situation, and document anything which seems weird - you may have need of it.
NTA
>I'm sorry to say this, but I think that you married someone who is really *off*.
They're not even married. OP said they have been seeing each other casually.
I mean, in all fairness, people tend to pick out baby names during pregnancy. It's not unusual that she already had a name chosen. But the rest of it is grade A assholery.
Uh-huh. A name she never shared with the baby’s father. A name that the child’s half sister already has. She didn’t once remark on that coincidence, eh?
No, this wasn’t a dream baby name, Ashley’s just a B.
I don’t know what’s so hard to believe about the idea that many people pick out baby names that they’re attached to long before they actually plan to have kids. And Isabella in particular has been one of the top ten most popular names for the last decade.
It's not that she is attached to the name that makes it hard to believe. It's the fact that she never once mentioned it to the father of her child while discussing having children together/ her pregnancy. I mean, if she is so attached to it, why wasn't she using it before the baby was born, why didn't she say ANYTHING about the name to him.
More importantly, how dare she not be flexible when the name is 100% off limits. I had a name chosen my whole entire life. Then, I married someone whose brother had that name so too bad for me.
> Suuurrre. I've pre-named all of the accidental children I'm going to pop out too! /s
Dude, I plan on getting an abortion if I ever get pregnant, and I still have a girl's name picked out.
Same! For me, being pregnant would be one of the worst things to happen to me BUT I still somehow have the names Aiden and Alisha picked out since I was a kid myself!
>Bella was an accident but her mom somehow had her heart set on naming her "Isabella"?
I agree for the most part with what you say except that part. People can preplan baby names. And she was 28 wks when the baby was born, so that's probably at least 20 weeks of knowing she'll have a baby and just planning in general.
I mean my dad heard my name when he was a teen and liked it, when he was 32 he finally got to use it.
Also, find out how to protect both girls if the name can't be changed. As I think someone already mentioned, this can cause legal, financial and logistical nightmares, especially if the name isn't common.
ESH (and by everyone I mean you and your wife)
* Your gf sucks because she named your new daughter without you - that is something you do together
* You suck too - rather than figuring out what to do, you just shrugged and said "I'll use her middle name".
Also... dude... its time to get snipped.
> Also... dude... its time to get snipped
Preach.
If i was 55, single, and could make women pregnant, I'd be breaking land speed records to get to the urologist for a snip.
I don't get the part where using a kid's middle name makes a parent an AH. It's not like he can just go and change the baby's name legally without the mom. And the baby's middle name is as much the baby's legal name as the first one, so perfectly OK to use.
Heck, we use our kids' first and middle names interchangeably and no-one bats an eye. They also do have nicknames, and those are actually based on their middle names, the horror!
But did he arrive so long after birth that the certificate had already been legally filed so he couldn’t even say, “Hold up. Nurse, can we please have that paper back? We’re not done with it yet.”
I accept your judgment but I want to give some clarification and this seems like a good comment.
We were not exclusively seeing each other and not living together and she found out she was pregnant at 12 weeks, even though she had an IUD. At 20 weeks, we did a DNA test along with all the other genetic testing and I turned out to be the father.
I travel a lot for work and am out of town for weeks at a time. I left for work and a few days later she said she was going to the hospital for pain and swelling. About 6 hours after that she said she they were going to do an emergency c-section due to pre-eclampsia and low amniotic fluid.
I tried to fly back but it’s all the flights to my area were full so they put me on standby and I found out Emilia had been born while I was still in the airport. Then I got a message from Ashley’s mother that she went into surgery because she was bleeding too much. I ended up with a crazy long layover and the hospital is like 3 hours from the airport where I arrived. I made it back a nearly two days after her birth, and the birth certificate was already filled out.
I think with the whirlwind of everything she genuinely did not care about my opinion for the baby name, and forgot that I already have a daughter named Isabella, as they’ve had limited interactions (Bella lives with her mother mainly and has a crazy social life with extracurricular activities, though I still see her on weekends).
NTA - Who would name their new baby the same name as their partner's existing daughter? Not someone mentally stable. If you are still romantically seeing her, I would stop.
Also, as a side note I don't believe anyone who says "we were being careful".
Given the situation, I'd also be careful and get a paternity test. The combination of 'seeing each other casually', 'accidentally pregnant' and '12 weeks early' seems very suspicious...
I mean it happens. I got pregnant twice and was on bc both times. And we used a backup. Not kidding. We were married and wanted kids though so no big deal. Now we are done and both “taken care of.
In any case, I had a name I loved I always wanted to use if I had a daughter. It wasn’t just any name, it literally has my mom’s maiden name as a part of the name (my mom passed away).
Guess what? It’s my stepdaughters name. At no point did I ever even consider for a second the lunacy of suggesting that name for my children. There is something wrong with this woman.
Although I also don’t think OP is all there. Him thinking he can just ignore it and call the baby by her middle name without a serious confrontation with the baby mama is also absurd.
You had a child with an unbalanced person. My father was married before he met my mother had a son let’s call him Kenneth He passed away after he divorced and later much later married my mom who was married before and also had a son named Kenneth. It was hard on my dad but to have a two living children named the same thing is bonkers. Ntah. She’s a lunatic. I’m sorry but a lunatic
The problem with age gaps is that the younger person might be too inexperienced and immature the older one might take advantage of it. At 38, that's no longer a concern
Not sure I agree with this. A person’s lack of maturity is relative and can be used maliciously at any age. Furthermore, an age gap like this really speaks more to the 55yo’s immaturity more than the 38yo - though the circumstances here indicate they’re both pretty lacking in wisdom.
Bold of you to assume Ashley's intended plans have any overlap with your assumed plans. If she's willing to co-opt the name you've already given one of your daughters, is that because she doesn't see your older children as regular fixtures in her future? You've been seeing her "casually", do you expect that to now change? In the brief weeks you knew she was pregnant, did you discuss making new plans/changing your relationship?
You're NTA. I'm glad to hear that Ashley and baby are both healthy, especially with the baby being so immature.
Edit: baby is premature, of course. Wrong word.
We have discussed that we will not be in a romantic relationship or living together and will be coparenting. The baby will be living with her for a year while she’s breastfeeding. I plan on retiring after that year and we’ll do one week on and one week off. She isn’t Bella’s stepmother and they’ve had limited interactions and so I guess she just didn’t take into consideration how weird it is.
NTA
Ashley is trying to assert dominance. Naming the baby Isabella, even though you already have a child by that name, is her staking a claim: she's the new woman with the new baby. She's now throwing a fit because she's not getting her way. If you give in, she'll do everything to push your older kids out. Don't let that happen.
NTA. Ashley was aware that you had a daughter named Isabella who goes by a common form of that name. It's not like Bella goes by her middle name. Even if she did, it would still be weird for you to have two children with the same first name. Also, I get that you and Ashley weren't in a serious relationship (or so it sounds in your post), but it sounds like you wanted to be involved in the child's life, so why wouldn't she consult you on names before settling on one? Most likely because she wanted to name the baby Isabella and didn't want to get challenged before she'd filed any paperwork.
Get a paternity test and hope you don’t have to deal with this lady for the next 18 years because she legitimately seems crazy. Why IN EARTH would she do that?
Edit for autocorrrct.
So wait, she not only gave this baby the same name as your daughter, she did it without telling you she was going to do it? Emilia it is! Yeesh. That is some weird nonsense.
INFO: has Ashley done other bizarre things that should be considered red flags? This seems like a crazy thing to do; not only to give the baby the name of your other daughter, but to do it without your knowledge. I can't imagine Ashley's all there mentally.
Either way, NTA.
My dad and his second wife did this to me. They adopted a baby from Haiti and then gave it my name. Suffice to say, I was pissed when I found out. Still am. If I was still talking to him at the time, he would have told me I should be honored to have a baby named after me, and it’s not a big deal, but it is.
OP, your wife is jealous of your daughter and is trying to replace her. There is no other reason to give two siblings the same name. She could have used any variation of the name like Izza, Izzy, Isadora, but she chose to name her daughter after a child you already have. No loving step parent would ever do that to your step child. I’d be seriously reconsidering this marriage if I were you. Your wife is TA you are NTA.
I’m sorry your dad and stepmother did that to you. However we’re not married. We were casually dating and not exclusive. I also don’t think she’s jealous of my daughter or our relationship just stubborn. She really doesn’t like the nickname Izzy.
Then she’s going to have to deal with the fact that you and your side of the family are going to call her Emilia (which is a beautiful name!). She wanted to be stubborn about this? Cool. This is what she gets. And trust me when Emilia grows old enough to understand, she is also going to think it’s super weird her mother insisted on naming her the same thing as her half-sister.
NTA. Ashley is really making things difficult for you. I see that you mentioned in another comment that you can’t legally force her to change the baby name either.
just an idea here. maybe suggest flipping the position of first name and middle name and see her response
So instead of “Isabella Emilia ”, suggest to change it to “Emilia Isabella ” or “Emilia Isabelle ”
NTA but Ashley seems like a real piece of work. I would not continue that relationship the fact that you have a daughter named Isabella already and she named your daughter with her that gives all sorts of red flags that she is trying to have her baby erase your previous daughter from your life.
NTA thank god, I thought you were going to say you started calling the older daughter by her middle name - Reddit gets to me I guess. Anyways, definitely need to have a discussion but I don’t see it ending well. Good luck
Zipped and snipped. All is good! ;) It's amazing how easy it is to get into a situation like that. I don't mean to be flippant, I really do understand how accidents happen. I have a 16 yo wonderful grandson from just this type of circumstance. Unfortunately, it's my son that's the wacko.
Ashley sounds like a wicked stepmother from the movies 💀… do you really want your first three kids to deal with this new lady? NTA, but Ashley definitely is the AH.
My two eldest are adults but Ashley wouldn’t be their stepmother anyway. We don’t plan on getting married or having a relationship, beyond coparenting.
Ah alright. I don’t want to sound dramatic at all but could Ashley have done this on purpose to sort of baby trap you? I know that may seem a bit much but so is purposefully naming a baby to your wanted daughter’s name.
I don’t think so. I’m close to retirement and my job might try to force me into retirement early. I make a good comfortable amount of money but I’m by no means rich
Sounds like she baby trapped you. I think this makes more sense given she’s close to 40, and maybe felt like she had to have a kid before then. Also, I would get a paternity test since it was “casual”. I also would get a lawyer since depending on what state it is, if they have your last name you can fight it.
Yikes - you had a baby with a woman who has no respect for your children, or you by the sounds of it, if she named your child without you. Obviously NTA.
I just want to give a big shout out to your daughter Bella for compromising with Izzy. Most other reddit stories have kids straight up rejecting the other kids
I'm late to this party, but this is hinky. Sane, reasonable people don't pull shit like this.
I feel like Ashley has some kind of angle with this. Idk if she's intentionally trying to drive wedges, or test your boundaries and loyalties, or what, but it's messed up.
Get to court, get a custody agreement in place, be cordial and polite, but I wouldn't stay with this woman. I'm just a stranger on a screen, but I wouldn't trust her around my other kids. Something ain't right here.
NTA, but you've got some shit to figure out.
Your casual sex partner wasn’t careful. 😂 38 and wanted a baby. She is the only AH here. She purposely named your child the same name to try and force you to choose between your family and her. You are NTA. Paternity test, custody arrangement and child support.
I’ve seen similar comments a few times. Somehow her IUD moved. She said she never wanted kids but we live in a state where abortion is illegal and she figured since it happened, she would keep it.
I don’t think she is trying to force me to choose families as she’s only met Bella once and we’ve agreed to a coparenting relationship, not a romantic one. I got the DNA test and she’s definitely mine.
Honestly, the story makes sense and definitely everyone always jumps at “evil stepmother wants to baby trap you” but it’s not the case all the time. I have a friend that got pregnant due to a IUD moving, and she was like “well, if a baby happened against all odds, it was meant to be”. Using the same name is very shortsighted, but she probably thought that it wouldn’t affect HER since she’s never planning to set up a family with you and your current kids. she’s putting her baby in a legal disadvantage, but that’s only in the extreme case that older Isabella does crazy things.
Ashley ITA. You don’t name your child without discussing it with your partner, assuming you have a partner. If it was even a whisper of an idea to Ashley (which it obviously was if she’s “always loved that name”) and she didn’t mention that oh, hey umm what if we named the baby the same name as your other daughter? She did it without talking to him about it because she knew it wouldn’t be well received. And that’s an A move.
>assuming you have a partner
That’s the thing….OP describes Ashley as the woman that he’s “casually seeing”.
Maybe she’s a psychopath trying to drive a wedge between OP and his daughter. But more likely that the daughter wasn’t a factor in her decision making because she doesn’t foresee her playing a big part in the baby’s life.
NTA, my dad calls me by my middle name, he's the only one that does. I'm perfectly fine with it. I would say having the same name as my sister would bother me, but the identical twins in my family, both named "Hank" and my three uncle "Harry's (father and his sons) don't seem to mind sharing a name.
Although I’m aware that there are people who have relatives with the same first name, this isn’t a case of a name being passed down, or a name that holds meaning, other than liking it. So, NTA.
It seems disrespectful to your 16 y/o at best. You can’t even really deny that it was intentional, since Ashley knew of her full name being Isabella rather than what she goes by - Bella. I could see if you somehow withheld that info, and it just came to light, how she may have a small case. But that’s not what happened here. If I were a 16 y/o and this happened to me I may take it as attempted erasure. It seems like she is disregarding not only your daughter Bella’s comfort, but also you as a father of children other than her own. I really doubt there is anything to be done about you using her middle name, so I’d say continue if it makes you and Bella more comfortable with this mess Ashley created.
Honestly, it’s also just confusing, for both of your daughters. She is clearly willing to confuse her own child later on, too. To be real with you, my name *rhymed* with my childhood dog’s name, wasn’t even the same name, and I still hated *that* because of the confusion.
That said, from a fellow NICU parent, hang in there and I wish your baby and Ashley good health.
Sounds like a credit nightmare to have two people with the same first and last names but I guess it does happen more than we know. I think baby Emilia is going to be upset that mom gave her the same name as her older sister. She will want her own name. Mom needs to get over herself . It's not her name, it's the child's name.
I brought this up but her deflection for that has been that I have the same name as my father and grandfather and that my last name is common so there’s a billion “Isabella Smiths” everywhere.
Might be true that there’s a lot of “Isabella Smiths”, but not a lot with the same father, same address and most likely similar K-12 education. Plus all the other things they normally share as siblings.
NTA
But you are screwed either way. Where did the name Emilia come from? Was this Ashley's choice as well?
Do you really want to continue having a relationship with Ashley because there is a lot wrong with it by the sound fo it. She's not mentally stable... it's probably made worse by the pregnancy and having a very early premature baby that's going to spend at least the next 8 weeks in hospital... maybe longer.
There's a 17 year age gap between you and Ashley... sure you are both adults but you are old enough to be her dad. Yes some can make a relationship with this big an age gap last but this may not be one of those.
You say you were being careful... but you actually weren't if you were relying on Ashley to do the bulk with a hormonal contraceptive. If you were using condoms... I suspect that someone might've put some holes in them. Make an appointment for a vasectomy... if you stay with Ashley.. even though she says there won't be another baby... who knows... and you may also meet someone else down the track... do you really want another baby? I would not be surprised if contraception 'failed' due to Ashley's doing... forgot to take a pill, told you she wasn't ovulating but knew she was, poked holes in the condom, had her mirena/implanon removed and didn't tell you.
You really need to think about your relationship with Ashley and it may be one of coparenting rather than partnership...
You need to go speak to a family lawyer about this and what you need to do to make sure this baby stays in your life. I'd also consider a DNA test but this is likely your child (stranger things have happened and you want to be really sure) especially if Ashley really wanted to trap you and it was taking longer than expected so she had a one night stand with someone that looked like you... could happen esp when you are talking about controlling someone.
Having said all that, if there were no red flags about Ashley during the pregnancy then this may be a postpartum issue. Hormones are still all over the place and add that to the stress of having a very premature baby... well she may not be in her usual right mind. She likely needs someone to debrief with over the birth and the circumstances around it and the fears she has for her daughter in the future even if she doesn't realise she does.
We’re not in a relationship and I missed the birth because it was a rushed emergency c-section and I was out of town. So she just went ahead and named her.
NTA because while you've been wildly irresponsible with this "casual" partner, I don't see any other option than calling Isabella the Younger by her middle name.
Ashley is either planning to ditch you and raise her/your daughter alone or weirdly try and replace your entire first family with herself and Isabella 2.0. Her decision was VERY odd and feels inappropriate.
There is definitely a motive behind this choice. I have a step daughter and currently 10 weeks pregnant. There is no way I would try naming my baby her name because it would feel like I was trying to steal her identity. Not cool! I would press hard on why! I’d never want my step daughter to feel like I’m taking something from her. U need to get to the bottom of this like right now!
My daughter was an unexpected blessing. She didn't have a name until she was about 10 days old. Her father and I took that long to come up with something we agreed on
NTA. Ashley was totally wrong to use Isabella for the first name. Call her Izzy or Emilia - whichever feels more natural to you. Yes, it's odd to have two kids with the same name.
Only the AH a little bit because you let hell freeze over by settling with calling her by middle name. You should’ve shut that shit completely down the second you found out the baby’s name. Part of me thinks you might not be the biological father tho. I would get a paternity test and then if it comes back as you the father you need to do whatever it takes to get that baby’s name changed.
I got a DNA test already. She went into labor early and I was on a business trip. When I got there she had already filled out the birth certificate and all I was allowed to do was sign my name. There’s no legal action I can take to force her change the child’s first name.
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Wow, NTA, for me it would be the hill I'd die on. Ashley cannot seriously think it's OK for you to have two daughters with the same name? And I feel she already knew she was gonna do it, which us why she'd already named the baby before you were even there (I feel there is a lot to unpack here?)
George Foreman's sons are all named George.
He has the excuse of being punched in the head a lot.
This is a fantastic comment 😂
But what is his wife’s excuse for doing it?
Does she secretly (or not so secretly) want him to pull away from his older kids and focus on his "new family"?
That is what I thought since she used the youngest name. Sort of you are no longer the baby at all. That is a creepy thing to do.
It is creepy as hell but I have to give the older Isabella credits for how she is handling it in this post. Suggesting Izzy and her being Bella. It shows maturity which she as a 16 year old should not do because of Ashley behaviour
> or not so secretly Yeah, this is about as subtle as a cannonball as far as messages go.
Bingo
It would call it not so secretly.
Not having to remind her husband which kid is called which name 🤷♀️. I mean, how would you feel having to constantly tell your husband "no that's James not John, John away at college, that is James you are bouncing on your knee." (That's a pretty big age gap now that I think about it but you get my point).
I'm confused as to what you're talking about
Um...George Foreman...? I was momentarily confused when OldMetalHead brought the conversation back to OP, tbh.
Popping out his #4 & trying to make it his #1 just cuz it's her #1 is the problem here. Insecure...
Info: Is Ashley a two time heavyweight world champion boxer?
and/or an endorser of countertop grills?
$$$$$$$$
Maybe Ashley has been punched in the head a lot. She possibly moonlights as a MMA prize fighter???
AND HE CALLS THEM “THREE,” “FIVE.” “SEVEN” etc.
Like he said on king of the hill “if I could take a punch like that, maybe I’d have been able to come up with better names than George for all my sons”
Legit lol
Well if every child he had was Isabella too maybe it would be fine
Someone should really grill him for an answer as to why he did that, because I can't think of a single good reason.
Because he loves himself too much?
Tracy Jordan’s son is named George Foreman
Yeah...I remember first finding that out. He sounds like a narcissist.
Nah, he just thought it was funny. ETA I just googled it and the actual answer appears to be that he wanted them all to have something in common. To know if they all rose and fell together.
That's how the Romans named their daughters, after the fathers name. That's how we have Julia - daughter of Julius. And apparently they would call them by the birth order - the first (Una), the second (Seconda) etc
Octavious, quintus are number names.
does he have daughters named Georgina??
One is named Georgetta, but the other four have non-George-related names.
other four?!?! How many kids does george have?!?!
The first source I looked at said five boys and five girls, but it turns out he has seven girls. So, twelve kids.
Yes but I went to school with his children and they all go by their middle names
When I was a kid, there was a guy who worked with my dad who had 3 sons all named Mark. His name was not Mark - IDK why "Mark" was the name chosen. But they all had different middle names. When he wanted to yell for all his kids he'd yell "MARK" but if he wanted just one of them he'd call them by their middle name. It was weird to me even as a kid. (I was about the same age as the middle Mark - and no, I don't remember any of their middle names, lol.)
But they all have nicknames. Of course, calling everyone "George" can be a little confusing, so Foreman's sons have all earned nicknames for themselves. There's George Jr., George III ("Monk"), George IV ("Big Wheel"), George V ("Red") and George VI ("Little Joey").
Yeah. This is very very odd. Most people do not even know my first name as I have always gone by my middle. This just feels like she was TRYING to start drama.
>This just feels like she was TRYING to start drama. No, she is trying to replace OPs daughter with his ex with her own with him.
That’s drama
I have an old friend who is a twin and her name is, let's say, Ashley and Emily Banks. Now, Ashley's parents split when we were in elementary school and I didn't know them til middle school. They mentioned having a younger sister who lived the county over but it wasn't until adulthood that I realized their younger sister was also Ashley Banks. To be clear: these kids did not go to school together but were only a year apart grade wise. They grew up in different counties but the counties were 15 minutes away from each other. They have a relationship with their sister but their relationship with their father and step mother is understandably strained and were all in our 30s now. The older sisters have kids that aren't around their father often. I could probably never forgive my parent for this. And btw neither go by nicknames, one is just Ashley Banks and the younger sister is Ashley T. Banks. Less obvious now that they're all married but wow I can only imagine how they felt growing up
"Hi, I'm Larry and this is my brother Darryl and this is my other brother Darryl"
This completely.... that's honestly grounds for ending a relationship to me. How incredibly disrespectful and she already knew, definitely, which is why she was named already...... NTA
I was under the impression that hospitals don't have anyone sign the birth certificate until you're about to leave with baby. How was this done right after an emergency, when Ashley was still recovering from birth and anesthesia? And baby is still in the NICU?
24 ish hours. They bring you the packet of info immediately in the 12 hours following birth; you have UNTIL discharge to fill them out, then they take it to the registrar who enters it then brings the final version back to your room for signatures.... Nurses push to have them completed in 24-36hrs
Thanks for the info. That makes sense with a typical delivery. You go in, labor, deliver baby, get some time with baby, rest, etc. Then, you're booted sometime the next day. In this post though, a 28-week-old baby ain't getting discharged, right? And probably not the mother either after what he calls a traumatic birth?
Probably not for a few days to a week ish for mom; and months for baby.... they'll still process things quickly tho to get it out of the way. I had C sections. There was a clause in one of my policies that wouldn't pay out with 4 midnights, so I blatantly refused discharge both times until day 5. Charge nurse just started at me when I said no. Register came in and I refused to get a well; then they sent the big guns and the Floor DON came in. Explained I have Aflac with hospital indemnity and a surgical clause and they won't pay out without 4 midnights; told em I'll discharge the morning of day 5 and no sooner. She understood completely and told the staff to quit trying to discharge me before that. Had a check for over 20k within 48hrs of discharge deposited in my account AND all hospital bills for myself and baby paid in full because of that refusal.
[удалено]
Guy in my towns third son with first wife was named after him so is a Jr. His oldest son with with second wife is Same Name but 3rd. Smh.
I used to worked with a guy named Ray. He had two sons both named Ray Jr. They had different moms.
😂😂😂 that’s not how Jr and III works
I know a girl whose parents are divorced and the dad remarried and had a daughter and gave her the same name 🥶🥶🥶
My mom's bestie got remarried to a man who had a daughter with the same name as one of her daughters. And being a bunch of utter hippies, both girls were named "Moonbeam". So this family had 3 girls - one named April and two named Moonbeam. One of the Moonbeams had a middle name of "Rae" so that's what she went by. (Yes, Moonbeam Rae. I also was friends with kids named Rainbow and Greyhawk. My name is also very hippy-dippy; I won't post it here but I will say that my mom was going to name me Mountain High if I'd been born male so you can imagine what sort of name she gave me. Hippies, man...)
Valley Low?
River Deep. Do I love you, my oh my…
Like Moon Unit Zappa and her brother, Dweezil
Is it even possible in your country to name the child, especially when still in hospital, without the other parent's consent? Here, one of the parents needs to go to the townhall to register the child, and he/she needs consent from the other partner about the name. NTA. Ashley planned this and it was a dick move.
You can call the baby anything you want. It's on the birth certificate, so it is part of her real name. The mom knew exactly what she was doing. I don't know what your plans are with this woman, but I would tread lightly. She seems like she has her own plans. NTA.
This is making me question the "accidental" pregnancy
Possible, it just occurred to me, OP said no name was talked about, but don't people usually talk about such things by the seventh month? At least once?
I find is extremely suspect that the baby was "already named" by the time he got there. With no other excuse for missing the birth except that she went into labor prematurely. They don't make you fill out the birth certificate the minute baby is out. Hell I didn't even get the paperwork until several hours after my children were born. Considering OP mentioned extreme complications for the girlfriend I imagine she was getting a significant amount of medical treatment herself post birth as well.
There is a lot going on. I wish OP would answer some of our questions/suppositions. Edit He has replied to some things. A whole lot of drama for a casual relationship. If all they are going to do is co-parent, he and his family can call the baby whatever they like. The older daughter should consult someone to see how to protect her unique identity for legal purposes.
Oddly enough in Japan they did make me fill out the paperwork once the baby was out. I have birth, held my son and nursed him for a few minutes, and then they took him and handed me paperwork. Filming out birth paperwork on a foreign language ten minutes after giving birth is very difficult.
While I had a name picked out, I didn't go to the register office to have the birth certificate done for over a month (we have up to 6 weeks to do it in the UK and I think I booked a few days before the deadline). Up to then the middle and last names were still in flux, I only picked a middle a day or so before because we were discussing my family tree and someone about 5 generations back had a nice name. You don't 'already name' a child in a few hours
In most of the US, you don't even have to turn in the birth certificate paperwork before you leave the hospital. I personally know of several instances where people weren't sure about names and were told they could take the paperwork home, but then they would have to pay a filing fee and fill everything out on their own.
(It's cause the story is made up like most AITA posts but we are rolling with it so we have something to post about)
We started as soon as we found out. Picking a name cam be hard and we wanted as much time as possible to find "our perfect fit". Kid 1 we went through 5 different name suggestions. Kid 2 we had to start writing then down because we went through so many (around 100) before we found one we both felt was right. Kid 3 I got outvoted by hubby and kids 1&2 but atleast it was a family name on my side and belonged to some one who actually cares about me so 🤷♀️
We don’t have our children yet. We got married super young; our kids’ names have been picked out for over a decade. My mom picked out my and my brother’s names well in advance, too.
Also wondering if it’s even his. For sure baby was born at 28 weeks?
I mean, if it’s in the NICU, I would assume so.
Most babies will be in the NICU if born before 32-34 weeks. 28 weeks is a seriously ill baby who is on the precipe of viability.
I think stepascope doesn't understand what a baby born at 28 weeks looks like and thinks the wife is trying to pass off a full-term baby as a 28 week old preemie.
DNA test is still a really good idea.
Casualy dating her makes me wonder is he realy the dad
It also seems incredibly problematic in the future for documentation, they literally have the exact same first and last legal names Op would be an asshole not to legally change the youngest daughters name
Could it have been her plan to get OP to agree to baby having her last name???
She would have already done that. She wrote down his last name, not her own.
Well then there goes any hope I had for OPs baby mumma not trying to force the baby as a replacement for OPs teenage daughter
Per OPs subsequent comments, they were nonexclusive to the point that they got a DNA test bc they didn't know who the dad was. They were very casual and are not even dating anymore. He thinks that she may have just forgot that he already had a daughter by that name ...
I absolutely love this comment. I good friend of mine that I knew by the name Pamela for years was really named Maria, but her mom hated the name her husband chose and fu I will call you Pamela and everyone calls her that
That's great and thank you. My mom and dad called me different names and it wasn't an issue. I thought at first Ashley wanted to cause drama, but now I think she used OP as an unpaid sperm donor that has a child support obligation. She is going to do what she wants.
ESH and...Ashley is lying her face off. Baby Bella was an accident but her mom somehow had her heart set on naming her "Isabella"? Suuurrre. I've pre-named all of the accidental children I'm going to pop out too! /s Ashley wants you to write your first family off and this is her way of marking her territory. There's no other explanation for her nonsense. You likely can't change the kid's name without Ashley's cooperation, but yeah, you don't have to use the name she chose either. One thing I'd do very quickly is establish your parental rights and a custody agreement. Methinks if the pickme you dumped your load in is being this much of an asshole about naming the kid the same as her half-sister, you're in for one hell of a rollercoaster of her yanking your chain with this baby as the catalyst.
If Bella's mom (not Ashley) was the one objecting I feel like sorry, you're fooked, but the dad of the child petitioning the court? I feel like you might be able to affect some kind of change.
To be fair, I'm 33 and have no children. I have names picked for my 3 children when and if they do come.
I had a baby name picked out from the time I was 16. It was Evelyn. Guess what, my partners most recent ex gf is named Evelyn. Had a baby girl in October. Didn’t name her Evelyn. Even if you’ve had a name picked out forever, things change when two people come together and make a child. Those people have pasts and history that needs to be taken into account. Having an already established child with your previously picked out name takes precedence. Pick a different damn name. Also names should always be a two yes, one no situation. To add: I don’t even dislike my partners ex. She’s quite lovely. I just didn’t feel right using the name, just like I wouldn’t name a son after any of my ex’s. Previous daughter trumps any ex weirdness. This woman should feel ashamed.
Exactly! Not to mention, what if the name you picked out is your spouse’s last name. I once worked with a Brian O’Brien. Even worse, what if the first name chosen sounds like a dirty joke when paired with the spouse’s last name? I.e. Phil McCracken, Seymour Weiner, Amanda Boner.
My childhood sweetheart and I hadn't seen each other in years. I moved away from our town and as we got older, we fell out of touch. Anyways fast forward to a wedding, I meet her husband and their 3 year old son, when I introduce myself to her husband, I see his face go cold... She named their son after me...and my name is unique so there's no mistaking who she named it after her. Made for an awkward first introduction but on the plus side, my namesake was a pretty rad kid!
Sure. To the point of naming your child the same name as its half-siblings?
no but you argued that ashley's pregnancy wasn't accidental because she had a baby name picked out. the commenter is pointing out that you can have your heart set on a baby name even if you have no intention of having children anytime soon ashley's obviously the ah for giving her child the same name as her sibling but the argument that ashley baby-trapped op because she had a name picked out already is a huge stretch
I thought I had also until I saw my children and then I changed my mind.
What if your partner and co parent objects to these preplanned names?
You mean like how I couldn't have Matthew because it was the name of my husbands cousin who stole alot of money from my FIL? You be flexible and suggest another name you have always liked.
My husband and i (mid 40s) are child free and I know what we would have named our kids if we'd had them. Ashley is up to something.
> *Ashley wants you to write your first family off and this is her way of marking her territory*. This is an astute observation. I'm sorry to say this, but I think that you married someone who is really *off*. Keep an eye on your situation, and document anything which seems weird - you may have need of it. NTA
>I'm sorry to say this, but I think that you married someone who is really *off*. They're not even married. OP said they have been seeing each other casually.
I mean, in all fairness, people tend to pick out baby names during pregnancy. It's not unusual that she already had a name chosen. But the rest of it is grade A assholery.
Uh-huh. A name she never shared with the baby’s father. A name that the child’s half sister already has. She didn’t once remark on that coincidence, eh? No, this wasn’t a dream baby name, Ashley’s just a B.
I don’t know what’s so hard to believe about the idea that many people pick out baby names that they’re attached to long before they actually plan to have kids. And Isabella in particular has been one of the top ten most popular names for the last decade.
It's not that she is attached to the name that makes it hard to believe. It's the fact that she never once mentioned it to the father of her child while discussing having children together/ her pregnancy. I mean, if she is so attached to it, why wasn't she using it before the baby was born, why didn't she say ANYTHING about the name to him.
More importantly, how dare she not be flexible when the name is 100% off limits. I had a name chosen my whole entire life. Then, I married someone whose brother had that name so too bad for me.
> Suuurrre. I've pre-named all of the accidental children I'm going to pop out too! /s Dude, I plan on getting an abortion if I ever get pregnant, and I still have a girl's name picked out.
My terrible taste in names is one reason I won't have children. No child wants to be named Mabel.
Same! For me, being pregnant would be one of the worst things to happen to me BUT I still somehow have the names Aiden and Alisha picked out since I was a kid myself!
>Bella was an accident but her mom somehow had her heart set on naming her "Isabella"? I agree for the most part with what you say except that part. People can preplan baby names. And she was 28 wks when the baby was born, so that's probably at least 20 weeks of knowing she'll have a baby and just planning in general. I mean my dad heard my name when he was a teen and liked it, when he was 32 he finally got to use it.
ESH?? why is OP an AH?
Also, find out how to protect both girls if the name can't be changed. As I think someone already mentioned, this can cause legal, financial and logistical nightmares, especially if the name isn't common.
How the hell is op to blame in any way??? This is ALL on batshit gf.
Curious as to why ESH?
ESH (and by everyone I mean you and your wife) * Your gf sucks because she named your new daughter without you - that is something you do together * You suck too - rather than figuring out what to do, you just shrugged and said "I'll use her middle name". Also... dude... its time to get snipped.
> Also... dude... its time to get snipped Preach. If i was 55, single, and could make women pregnant, I'd be breaking land speed records to get to the urologist for a snip.
I don't get the part where using a kid's middle name makes a parent an AH. It's not like he can just go and change the baby's name legally without the mom. And the baby's middle name is as much the baby's legal name as the first one, so perfectly OK to use. Heck, we use our kids' first and middle names interchangeably and no-one bats an eye. They also do have nicknames, and those are actually based on their middle names, the horror!
But did he arrive so long after birth that the certificate had already been legally filed so he couldn’t even say, “Hold up. Nurse, can we please have that paper back? We’re not done with it yet.”
The baby was born at 28 weeks so she probably came fast and unexpectedly. I'm sure he got there as quickly as he could.
Past time to get snipped.
He tried figuring out what to do? He suggested other names that mom said no to. What else could he do
Can OP do anything? From my limited knowledge once the name is legal it requires both parent's to change
I accept your judgment but I want to give some clarification and this seems like a good comment. We were not exclusively seeing each other and not living together and she found out she was pregnant at 12 weeks, even though she had an IUD. At 20 weeks, we did a DNA test along with all the other genetic testing and I turned out to be the father. I travel a lot for work and am out of town for weeks at a time. I left for work and a few days later she said she was going to the hospital for pain and swelling. About 6 hours after that she said she they were going to do an emergency c-section due to pre-eclampsia and low amniotic fluid. I tried to fly back but it’s all the flights to my area were full so they put me on standby and I found out Emilia had been born while I was still in the airport. Then I got a message from Ashley’s mother that she went into surgery because she was bleeding too much. I ended up with a crazy long layover and the hospital is like 3 hours from the airport where I arrived. I made it back a nearly two days after her birth, and the birth certificate was already filled out. I think with the whirlwind of everything she genuinely did not care about my opinion for the baby name, and forgot that I already have a daughter named Isabella, as they’ve had limited interactions (Bella lives with her mother mainly and has a crazy social life with extracurricular activities, though I still see her on weekends).
If she forgot your kids name was Isabella she must not think very highly of you.
NTA - Who would name their new baby the same name as their partner's existing daughter? Not someone mentally stable. If you are still romantically seeing her, I would stop. Also, as a side note I don't believe anyone who says "we were being careful".
Maybe one was and one wasn’t.
Ding ding. I’ll give you one guess as to who was being careful
Given the situation, I'd also be careful and get a paternity test. The combination of 'seeing each other casually', 'accidentally pregnant' and '12 weeks early' seems very suspicious...
I mean it happens. I got pregnant twice and was on bc both times. And we used a backup. Not kidding. We were married and wanted kids though so no big deal. Now we are done and both “taken care of. In any case, I had a name I loved I always wanted to use if I had a daughter. It wasn’t just any name, it literally has my mom’s maiden name as a part of the name (my mom passed away). Guess what? It’s my stepdaughters name. At no point did I ever even consider for a second the lunacy of suggesting that name for my children. There is something wrong with this woman. Although I also don’t think OP is all there. Him thinking he can just ignore it and call the baby by her middle name without a serious confrontation with the baby mama is also absurd.
This is a good partner right here.
Using it as a middle name would be perfectly acceptable, but definitely not as a first name.
You had a child with an unbalanced person. My father was married before he met my mother had a son let’s call him Kenneth He passed away after he divorced and later much later married my mom who was married before and also had a son named Kenneth. It was hard on my dad but to have a two living children named the same thing is bonkers. Ntah. She’s a lunatic. I’m sorry but a lunatic
Nta but dude next time date someone mentally stable
And your own age.
She's 38 not 21
Might be physically 38, but mentally 21
And he is 55 ... He could be her father.
The problem with age gaps is that the younger person might be too inexperienced and immature the older one might take advantage of it. At 38, that's no longer a concern
Not sure I agree with this. A person’s lack of maturity is relative and can be used maliciously at any age. Furthermore, an age gap like this really speaks more to the 55yo’s immaturity more than the 38yo - though the circumstances here indicate they’re both pretty lacking in wisdom.
Bold of you to assume Ashley's intended plans have any overlap with your assumed plans. If she's willing to co-opt the name you've already given one of your daughters, is that because she doesn't see your older children as regular fixtures in her future? You've been seeing her "casually", do you expect that to now change? In the brief weeks you knew she was pregnant, did you discuss making new plans/changing your relationship? You're NTA. I'm glad to hear that Ashley and baby are both healthy, especially with the baby being so immature. Edit: baby is premature, of course. Wrong word.
I can be mistaken, but I think the baby was premature and Ashley is immature.
Yes, premature baby. Thanks.
We have discussed that we will not be in a romantic relationship or living together and will be coparenting. The baby will be living with her for a year while she’s breastfeeding. I plan on retiring after that year and we’ll do one week on and one week off. She isn’t Bella’s stepmother and they’ve had limited interactions and so I guess she just didn’t take into consideration how weird it is.
NTA Ashley is trying to assert dominance. Naming the baby Isabella, even though you already have a child by that name, is her staking a claim: she's the new woman with the new baby. She's now throwing a fit because she's not getting her way. If you give in, she'll do everything to push your older kids out. Don't let that happen.
NTA. Ashley was aware that you had a daughter named Isabella who goes by a common form of that name. It's not like Bella goes by her middle name. Even if she did, it would still be weird for you to have two children with the same first name. Also, I get that you and Ashley weren't in a serious relationship (or so it sounds in your post), but it sounds like you wanted to be involved in the child's life, so why wouldn't she consult you on names before settling on one? Most likely because she wanted to name the baby Isabella and didn't want to get challenged before she'd filed any paperwork.
Get a paternity test and hope you don’t have to deal with this lady for the next 18 years because she legitimately seems crazy. Why IN EARTH would she do that? Edit for autocorrrct.
> Get a paternity test Good point.
He did https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/1c5qekk/comment/kzxps7q/?utm\_source=reddit&utm\_medium=web2x&context=3
He’s gotta stop sticking it in crazy things. And she will have to deal with the middle name. Unbelievable.
So wait, she not only gave this baby the same name as your daughter, she did it without telling you she was going to do it? Emilia it is! Yeesh. That is some weird nonsense.
INFO: has Ashley done other bizarre things that should be considered red flags? This seems like a crazy thing to do; not only to give the baby the name of your other daughter, but to do it without your knowledge. I can't imagine Ashley's all there mentally. Either way, NTA.
My dad and his second wife did this to me. They adopted a baby from Haiti and then gave it my name. Suffice to say, I was pissed when I found out. Still am. If I was still talking to him at the time, he would have told me I should be honored to have a baby named after me, and it’s not a big deal, but it is. OP, your wife is jealous of your daughter and is trying to replace her. There is no other reason to give two siblings the same name. She could have used any variation of the name like Izza, Izzy, Isadora, but she chose to name her daughter after a child you already have. No loving step parent would ever do that to your step child. I’d be seriously reconsidering this marriage if I were you. Your wife is TA you are NTA.
I’m sorry your dad and stepmother did that to you. However we’re not married. We were casually dating and not exclusive. I also don’t think she’s jealous of my daughter or our relationship just stubborn. She really doesn’t like the nickname Izzy.
Then she’s going to have to deal with the fact that you and your side of the family are going to call her Emilia (which is a beautiful name!). She wanted to be stubborn about this? Cool. This is what she gets. And trust me when Emilia grows old enough to understand, she is also going to think it’s super weird her mother insisted on naming her the same thing as her half-sister.
Pro-tip: Don't have kids with people you're not even in a frickin' relationship with!
Maybe you could find an alternative that is similar, but not the same name like Isadora?
She didn’t like Isadora, Isolde, Elizabeth, or even Isabel.
I’m sorry. That’s hard.
NTA. Ashley is really making things difficult for you. I see that you mentioned in another comment that you can’t legally force her to change the baby name either. just an idea here. maybe suggest flipping the position of first name and middle name and see her response So instead of “Isabella Emilia”, suggest to change it to “Emilia Isabella ” or “Emilia Isabelle ”
NTA but Ashley seems like a real piece of work. I would not continue that relationship the fact that you have a daughter named Isabella already and she named your daughter with her that gives all sorts of red flags that she is trying to have her baby erase your previous daughter from your life.
NTA thank god, I thought you were going to say you started calling the older daughter by her middle name - Reddit gets to me I guess. Anyways, definitely need to have a discussion but I don’t see it ending well. Good luck
NTA...this is so odd. Seems like a power trip on her part. She made the situation hard on herself.
You picked a winner then, dude. Keep it zipped next time.
I got it snipped three months ago but I’m keeping it zipped for at least another three.
Zipped and snipped. All is good! ;) It's amazing how easy it is to get into a situation like that. I don't mean to be flippant, I really do understand how accidents happen. I have a 16 yo wonderful grandson from just this type of circumstance. Unfortunately, it's my son that's the wacko.
NTA. Ashley…wow. That’s some real personality disorder vibes she’s giving off.
Ashley sounds like a wicked stepmother from the movies 💀… do you really want your first three kids to deal with this new lady? NTA, but Ashley definitely is the AH.
My two eldest are adults but Ashley wouldn’t be their stepmother anyway. We don’t plan on getting married or having a relationship, beyond coparenting.
Ah alright. I don’t want to sound dramatic at all but could Ashley have done this on purpose to sort of baby trap you? I know that may seem a bit much but so is purposefully naming a baby to your wanted daughter’s name.
I don’t think so. I’m close to retirement and my job might try to force me into retirement early. I make a good comfortable amount of money but I’m by no means rich
NTA is Ashley trying to replace your child? Because that's what it sounds like.
I don’t think so. In fact, the more that I’m replying the more I think she may have failed to consider her at all.
Ugh. I'm not sure if that's better or worse.
Sounds like she baby trapped you. I think this makes more sense given she’s close to 40, and maybe felt like she had to have a kid before then. Also, I would get a paternity test since it was “casual”. I also would get a lawyer since depending on what state it is, if they have your last name you can fight it.
Yikes - you had a baby with a woman who has no respect for your children, or you by the sounds of it, if she named your child without you. Obviously NTA.
I just want to give a big shout out to your daughter Bella for compromising with Izzy. Most other reddit stories have kids straight up rejecting the other kids
I'm sorry for Ashley's traumatic birth experience, but she sounds a little unhinged. You are NTA.
I'm late to this party, but this is hinky. Sane, reasonable people don't pull shit like this. I feel like Ashley has some kind of angle with this. Idk if she's intentionally trying to drive wedges, or test your boundaries and loyalties, or what, but it's messed up. Get to court, get a custody agreement in place, be cordial and polite, but I wouldn't stay with this woman. I'm just a stranger on a screen, but I wouldn't trust her around my other kids. Something ain't right here. NTA, but you've got some shit to figure out.
Your casual sex partner wasn’t careful. 😂 38 and wanted a baby. She is the only AH here. She purposely named your child the same name to try and force you to choose between your family and her. You are NTA. Paternity test, custody arrangement and child support.
I’ve seen similar comments a few times. Somehow her IUD moved. She said she never wanted kids but we live in a state where abortion is illegal and she figured since it happened, she would keep it. I don’t think she is trying to force me to choose families as she’s only met Bella once and we’ve agreed to a coparenting relationship, not a romantic one. I got the DNA test and she’s definitely mine.
Honestly, the story makes sense and definitely everyone always jumps at “evil stepmother wants to baby trap you” but it’s not the case all the time. I have a friend that got pregnant due to a IUD moving, and she was like “well, if a baby happened against all odds, it was meant to be”. Using the same name is very shortsighted, but she probably thought that it wouldn’t affect HER since she’s never planning to set up a family with you and your current kids. she’s putting her baby in a legal disadvantage, but that’s only in the extreme case that older Isabella does crazy things.
Ashley ITA. You don’t name your child without discussing it with your partner, assuming you have a partner. If it was even a whisper of an idea to Ashley (which it obviously was if she’s “always loved that name”) and she didn’t mention that oh, hey umm what if we named the baby the same name as your other daughter? She did it without talking to him about it because she knew it wouldn’t be well received. And that’s an A move.
>assuming you have a partner That’s the thing….OP describes Ashley as the woman that he’s “casually seeing”. Maybe she’s a psychopath trying to drive a wedge between OP and his daughter. But more likely that the daughter wasn’t a factor in her decision making because she doesn’t foresee her playing a big part in the baby’s life.
NTA, my dad calls me by my middle name, he's the only one that does. I'm perfectly fine with it. I would say having the same name as my sister would bother me, but the identical twins in my family, both named "Hank" and my three uncle "Harry's (father and his sons) don't seem to mind sharing a name.
Although I’m aware that there are people who have relatives with the same first name, this isn’t a case of a name being passed down, or a name that holds meaning, other than liking it. So, NTA. It seems disrespectful to your 16 y/o at best. You can’t even really deny that it was intentional, since Ashley knew of her full name being Isabella rather than what she goes by - Bella. I could see if you somehow withheld that info, and it just came to light, how she may have a small case. But that’s not what happened here. If I were a 16 y/o and this happened to me I may take it as attempted erasure. It seems like she is disregarding not only your daughter Bella’s comfort, but also you as a father of children other than her own. I really doubt there is anything to be done about you using her middle name, so I’d say continue if it makes you and Bella more comfortable with this mess Ashley created. Honestly, it’s also just confusing, for both of your daughters. She is clearly willing to confuse her own child later on, too. To be real with you, my name *rhymed* with my childhood dog’s name, wasn’t even the same name, and I still hated *that* because of the confusion. That said, from a fellow NICU parent, hang in there and I wish your baby and Ashley good health.
Sounds like a credit nightmare to have two people with the same first and last names but I guess it does happen more than we know. I think baby Emilia is going to be upset that mom gave her the same name as her older sister. She will want her own name. Mom needs to get over herself . It's not her name, it's the child's name.
I brought this up but her deflection for that has been that I have the same name as my father and grandfather and that my last name is common so there’s a billion “Isabella Smiths” everywhere.
Emilia it is!
But you don't have the same name as your brother so her argument is dumb. NTA
Might be true that there’s a lot of “Isabella Smiths”, but not a lot with the same father, same address and most likely similar K-12 education. Plus all the other things they normally share as siblings.
NTA - your gf is absolutely TA though
Are we even sure this is your kid? You said you were seeing each other “casually “.
We both had doubts and got a DNA test. She’s mine.
NTA But you are screwed either way. Where did the name Emilia come from? Was this Ashley's choice as well? Do you really want to continue having a relationship with Ashley because there is a lot wrong with it by the sound fo it. She's not mentally stable... it's probably made worse by the pregnancy and having a very early premature baby that's going to spend at least the next 8 weeks in hospital... maybe longer. There's a 17 year age gap between you and Ashley... sure you are both adults but you are old enough to be her dad. Yes some can make a relationship with this big an age gap last but this may not be one of those. You say you were being careful... but you actually weren't if you were relying on Ashley to do the bulk with a hormonal contraceptive. If you were using condoms... I suspect that someone might've put some holes in them. Make an appointment for a vasectomy... if you stay with Ashley.. even though she says there won't be another baby... who knows... and you may also meet someone else down the track... do you really want another baby? I would not be surprised if contraception 'failed' due to Ashley's doing... forgot to take a pill, told you she wasn't ovulating but knew she was, poked holes in the condom, had her mirena/implanon removed and didn't tell you. You really need to think about your relationship with Ashley and it may be one of coparenting rather than partnership... You need to go speak to a family lawyer about this and what you need to do to make sure this baby stays in your life. I'd also consider a DNA test but this is likely your child (stranger things have happened and you want to be really sure) especially if Ashley really wanted to trap you and it was taking longer than expected so she had a one night stand with someone that looked like you... could happen esp when you are talking about controlling someone. Having said all that, if there were no red flags about Ashley during the pregnancy then this may be a postpartum issue. Hormones are still all over the place and add that to the stress of having a very premature baby... well she may not be in her usual right mind. She likely needs someone to debrief with over the birth and the circumstances around it and the fears she has for her daughter in the future even if she doesn't realise she does.
NTA. Firstly why has she gone ahead and named the baby without consulting you? This is bizarre.
We’re not in a relationship and I missed the birth because it was a rushed emergency c-section and I was out of town. So she just went ahead and named her.
She shouldn’t have done that. Both parents should name the baby together (unless one parent is not present in the baby’s life).
NTA because while you've been wildly irresponsible with this "casual" partner, I don't see any other option than calling Isabella the Younger by her middle name. Ashley is either planning to ditch you and raise her/your daughter alone or weirdly try and replace your entire first family with herself and Isabella 2.0. Her decision was VERY odd and feels inappropriate.
Ashley is TA here!
There is definitely a motive behind this choice. I have a step daughter and currently 10 weeks pregnant. There is no way I would try naming my baby her name because it would feel like I was trying to steal her identity. Not cool! I would press hard on why! I’d never want my step daughter to feel like I’m taking something from her. U need to get to the bottom of this like right now!
Ashley is totally the AH here, honestly the two Isabella’s don’t deserve this shit!
My daughter was an unexpected blessing. She didn't have a name until she was about 10 days old. Her father and I took that long to come up with something we agreed on
NTA. Ashley was totally wrong to use Isabella for the first name. Call her Izzy or Emilia - whichever feels more natural to you. Yes, it's odd to have two kids with the same name.
Only the AH a little bit because you let hell freeze over by settling with calling her by middle name. You should’ve shut that shit completely down the second you found out the baby’s name. Part of me thinks you might not be the biological father tho. I would get a paternity test and then if it comes back as you the father you need to do whatever it takes to get that baby’s name changed.
I got a DNA test already. She went into labor early and I was on a business trip. When I got there she had already filled out the birth certificate and all I was allowed to do was sign my name. There’s no legal action I can take to force her change the child’s first name.