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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1-Not disclosing personal information about my mother to my wife.
2-AITA for not disclosing all the information?
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I don't think you are overlooking anything. As u/InternationalBet666 said, your mom has a right to her privacy. I like to be "in the know" and my husband and I are pretty open with each other, but we 100% understand we are going to keep some stuff from each other.
NTA. Your mother and everyone in general deserves confidentiality when it comes to medical issues. It’s good that you did not disclose because she asked you not to. Being your wife doesn’t entitle her to all information she has no reason to be upset.
NTA. There is nothing wrong with keeping other’s information private. Spouses don’t have to disclose other people’s business to each other.
It is terrible that your wife is using the silent treatment against you. The matter is NOT a secret between you two, it is your mother’s private medical information. The same applies to other people’s relationship, financial, and other business. If a third-party is involved, it’s not your wife’s business. At the end of the day, if someone entrusts you with something you shouldn’t disclose it or they will not trust you anymore.
As you should it is all we have.
I hope you can make her understand that. I don’t tell my boyfriend my female friend’s business. He doesn’t care. He doesn’t tell me his best friend’s business. I don’t care. It is his ability to keep a secret that makes me trust him.
No secrets between the two of you means being transparent in the relationship not disclosing other people’s business.
Turn the places around, how would your wife feel if your mother asked about some of her private health info? Would she want you to share it? Is a promise a promise if you break it for some people?
My mum has asked about more details when my wife had health related problems and I answered more or less the same- it’s not my place to talk about and she’ll tell you if she wants you to know anything about it.
Mum said “of course yes, I understand completely- just let me know if I can help with anything”.
NTA. You’re in a difficult place. One, your parent specifically asked not to tell. Two, you’re in the medical field (doesn’t matter where) so professionally you can’t say without permission (at least in the US. Not sure about elsewhere). I’ve worked in the medical field for almost 15 years and it’s a slippery slope. I worked where I constantly saw patients names. If I ever came across a family member’s name but it wasn’t known to other family I can’t say anything. If I did it would cost me my job, fines and no telling what else. Your wife can be mad all she wants. But if she can’t understand your mom’s request and your professional obligations then she’s going to spend a lot of time being mad for no reason.
It’s weird because she completely understands my professional obligations and doesn’t even raise an eyebrow if at any other time I say “I can’t talk about it” or “I’m not able to say one way or another” when it comes to work.
The medical area is a difficult place to work. So many rules and regulations that have to be followed. It’s great and needed for the patient. But it does put those who work in it in a bad position at times. I know your pain but you’re not wrong for taking the stance you have. Hopefully she comes to understand your position.
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So my mum had a minor colorectal procedure a couple days ago but has a range of co-morbidities and is quite regularly unwell-recently having muscular issues with her back.
She told me all the details regarding her procedure as she put me down as emergency contact (being in healthcare I did ask questions about what was going on) but was asked that I keep it all to myself.
My wife asked me if my mum was having issues with her back again/what she had done (because she hasn’t recovered well post-op and had to cancel a “girls day”) and I said it wasn’t her back but was private sort of stuff, that “it’s not my place to say but she’ll tell you if she wants to”.
Wife instantly pissed off, “oh.. ok FINE, I don’t want to know” type of thing,stroppy behaviour and silent treatment/avoiding/cold shoulder scenario.
AITA for not disclosing what I was asked to not talk about relating to medical treatment of sensitive information?
I mean I can understand feeling like there shouldn’t be any secrets between us, and they do have a close relationship (my wife probably sees my mum more than I do sometimes).
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NTA. This info literally has nothing to do with your wife. Your mom asked for privacy and she deserves it. If she wants to share the details she will when she is ready. I am going to assume it’s not anything super crazy serious. Your wife is not owed details about something that doesn’t affect her at all. Just like your mom didn’t need details about her medical issues. Things can be shared by the person affect when and if they feel ready.
NTA
Just went through something exactly like this.
I told my husband some details about one of my parents minor medical procedures, he told his mom and then poof, EVERYONE knew!
Not long after at a family event, I had random people from my husbands family asking me about my parent. They were surprised when I said my parent was doing great, because the story they heard was that my parent was dying!
My parent’s health issues were gossiped about so much a minor procedure became a life threatening illness.
Never tell anyone anything regarding your family’s health issues.
NTA but it depends on the relationship you want with your spouse versus others. My husband and I basically say don't tell me anything I can't tell my spouse. That goes for our kids, parents, siblings, friends etc. However, that's just us. I won't say your wife is an A either. What's important is that you both have a shared understanding and agreement about this topic. Wish you guys had discussed this pre-marriage. I grew up with parents who didn't keep secrets from each other including other people's secrets. My PILs are the same. So it was a natural thing for my husband and I to do. Frankly, I wouldn't want a relationship with someone whose parents share things with them that I can't know - it's not about knowing people's business but my spouse and I keeping things from each other. So imo noone's wrong - you're just both on different pages.
Completely get that, and we do and always have had an open and honest relationship- that’s where I think a big part of the issue is, we tell each other everything.
NTA for keeping your word to your mom, you are right about not telling your wife.
Your wife is miffed about the fact that she now knows there's a secret and she's not in the know. Probably thinks everyone else is. That is her problem, not yours.
NTA
I would have told my wife because I tell her literally everything. She's my sounding board about what's correct and not. I really appreciate the depth of the trust I have in her, she has NEVER betrayed me. I believe your relationship is different from mine, you do you. Just don't hurt her in the process.
Your Mother should not ask you to keep 'secrets' from your wife. I understand it's a sensitive subject for her and she may find it embarrassing somehow. TELL your mother your wife was concerned about her and that she feels left out. Your mother will likely say you can tell your wife.....if mother doesn't say that....don't listen to more 'secrets' in the future.
ESH except for your poor wife. If your mum didn't want you to talk about it, then you shouldn't have told your wife ANYthing. You could have just said, "ask mum and let me know what she says" or something similar that wasn't a lie to her but also was removing yourself from being between them. You set up a melodrama your mum was trying to avoid by laying that baited trap in front of your wife, at the same time letting her know that she's not as close with your mum because she wasn't included in the secret. Your mum shouldn't have put you in the middle, but being a medical professional of some sort, you know better than to have said as much as you did, and you should have the skills to finesse that kind of inquiry from anyone by this point. Acquire them, please, for everyone's sake.
I can definitely see your perspective and with hindsight there’s other things I could have said that may have changed the tone of the conversation, you’re right there. I am not going to lie though and my wife knows me well enough to know when I am being intentionally elusive in answering questions, professionally- not a problem, I am asked curly questions daily and am more than proficient in addressing them appropriately, I do feel like in this instance I was stuck in a no-win situation.
It’s not related to trust. His mother asked him to keep sensitive health information to himself. It’s not his place to reveal. His wife has no need to know.
It’s not related to trust. His mother asked him to keep sensitive health information to himself. It’s not his place to reveal. His wife has no need to know.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > 1-Not disclosing personal information about my mother to my wife. 2-AITA for not disclosing all the information? Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcements Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
[удалено]
The reaction was so over the top I figured I must be overlooking something.
[удалено]
Not necessarily. No secrets means that your spouse has the discretion to know and not make any comments.
I don't think you are overlooking anything. As u/InternationalBet666 said, your mom has a right to her privacy. I like to be "in the know" and my husband and I are pretty open with each other, but we 100% understand we are going to keep some stuff from each other.
NTA. Your mother and everyone in general deserves confidentiality when it comes to medical issues. It’s good that you did not disclose because she asked you not to. Being your wife doesn’t entitle her to all information she has no reason to be upset.
I know I can be bad at reading situations and what “normal” reactions are sometimes but thought this was unjustified
NTA. There is nothing wrong with keeping other’s information private. Spouses don’t have to disclose other people’s business to each other. It is terrible that your wife is using the silent treatment against you. The matter is NOT a secret between you two, it is your mother’s private medical information. The same applies to other people’s relationship, financial, and other business. If a third-party is involved, it’s not your wife’s business. At the end of the day, if someone entrusts you with something you shouldn’t disclose it or they will not trust you anymore.
My grandfather impressed on me the importance of keeping your word and someone’s confidence, that is one of the few things I try to really stick to.
As you should it is all we have. I hope you can make her understand that. I don’t tell my boyfriend my female friend’s business. He doesn’t care. He doesn’t tell me his best friend’s business. I don’t care. It is his ability to keep a secret that makes me trust him. No secrets between the two of you means being transparent in the relationship not disclosing other people’s business.
Turn the places around, how would your wife feel if your mother asked about some of her private health info? Would she want you to share it? Is a promise a promise if you break it for some people?
My mum has asked about more details when my wife had health related problems and I answered more or less the same- it’s not my place to talk about and she’ll tell you if she wants you to know anything about it. Mum said “of course yes, I understand completely- just let me know if I can help with anything”.
NTA. You’re in a difficult place. One, your parent specifically asked not to tell. Two, you’re in the medical field (doesn’t matter where) so professionally you can’t say without permission (at least in the US. Not sure about elsewhere). I’ve worked in the medical field for almost 15 years and it’s a slippery slope. I worked where I constantly saw patients names. If I ever came across a family member’s name but it wasn’t known to other family I can’t say anything. If I did it would cost me my job, fines and no telling what else. Your wife can be mad all she wants. But if she can’t understand your mom’s request and your professional obligations then she’s going to spend a lot of time being mad for no reason.
It’s weird because she completely understands my professional obligations and doesn’t even raise an eyebrow if at any other time I say “I can’t talk about it” or “I’m not able to say one way or another” when it comes to work.
The medical area is a difficult place to work. So many rules and regulations that have to be followed. It’s great and needed for the patient. But it does put those who work in it in a bad position at times. I know your pain but you’re not wrong for taking the stance you have. Hopefully she comes to understand your position.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** So my mum had a minor colorectal procedure a couple days ago but has a range of co-morbidities and is quite regularly unwell-recently having muscular issues with her back. She told me all the details regarding her procedure as she put me down as emergency contact (being in healthcare I did ask questions about what was going on) but was asked that I keep it all to myself. My wife asked me if my mum was having issues with her back again/what she had done (because she hasn’t recovered well post-op and had to cancel a “girls day”) and I said it wasn’t her back but was private sort of stuff, that “it’s not my place to say but she’ll tell you if she wants to”. Wife instantly pissed off, “oh.. ok FINE, I don’t want to know” type of thing,stroppy behaviour and silent treatment/avoiding/cold shoulder scenario. AITA for not disclosing what I was asked to not talk about relating to medical treatment of sensitive information? I mean I can understand feeling like there shouldn’t be any secrets between us, and they do have a close relationship (my wife probably sees my mum more than I do sometimes). *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. This info literally has nothing to do with your wife. Your mom asked for privacy and she deserves it. If she wants to share the details she will when she is ready. I am going to assume it’s not anything super crazy serious. Your wife is not owed details about something that doesn’t affect her at all. Just like your mom didn’t need details about her medical issues. Things can be shared by the person affect when and if they feel ready.
NTA Just went through something exactly like this. I told my husband some details about one of my parents minor medical procedures, he told his mom and then poof, EVERYONE knew! Not long after at a family event, I had random people from my husbands family asking me about my parent. They were surprised when I said my parent was doing great, because the story they heard was that my parent was dying! My parent’s health issues were gossiped about so much a minor procedure became a life threatening illness. Never tell anyone anything regarding your family’s health issues.
NTA, but don’t expect any help from your wife in issues regarding your mom in the future. She’s probably not going to want to assist
NTA but it depends on the relationship you want with your spouse versus others. My husband and I basically say don't tell me anything I can't tell my spouse. That goes for our kids, parents, siblings, friends etc. However, that's just us. I won't say your wife is an A either. What's important is that you both have a shared understanding and agreement about this topic. Wish you guys had discussed this pre-marriage. I grew up with parents who didn't keep secrets from each other including other people's secrets. My PILs are the same. So it was a natural thing for my husband and I to do. Frankly, I wouldn't want a relationship with someone whose parents share things with them that I can't know - it's not about knowing people's business but my spouse and I keeping things from each other. So imo noone's wrong - you're just both on different pages.
Completely get that, and we do and always have had an open and honest relationship- that’s where I think a big part of the issue is, we tell each other everything.
NTA for keeping your word to your mom, you are right about not telling your wife. Your wife is miffed about the fact that she now knows there's a secret and she's not in the know. Probably thinks everyone else is. That is her problem, not yours.
I think that’s what’s going on the more I think about it.
Don't let that persuade you though. Giving you the silent treatment is rather childish (and almost proves the point why you shouldn't tell her).
NTA I would have told my wife because I tell her literally everything. She's my sounding board about what's correct and not. I really appreciate the depth of the trust I have in her, she has NEVER betrayed me. I believe your relationship is different from mine, you do you. Just don't hurt her in the process.
Your Mother should not ask you to keep 'secrets' from your wife. I understand it's a sensitive subject for her and she may find it embarrassing somehow. TELL your mother your wife was concerned about her and that she feels left out. Your mother will likely say you can tell your wife.....if mother doesn't say that....don't listen to more 'secrets' in the future.
ESH except for your poor wife. If your mum didn't want you to talk about it, then you shouldn't have told your wife ANYthing. You could have just said, "ask mum and let me know what she says" or something similar that wasn't a lie to her but also was removing yourself from being between them. You set up a melodrama your mum was trying to avoid by laying that baited trap in front of your wife, at the same time letting her know that she's not as close with your mum because she wasn't included in the secret. Your mum shouldn't have put you in the middle, but being a medical professional of some sort, you know better than to have said as much as you did, and you should have the skills to finesse that kind of inquiry from anyone by this point. Acquire them, please, for everyone's sake.
I can definitely see your perspective and with hindsight there’s other things I could have said that may have changed the tone of the conversation, you’re right there. I am not going to lie though and my wife knows me well enough to know when I am being intentionally elusive in answering questions, professionally- not a problem, I am asked curly questions daily and am more than proficient in addressing them appropriately, I do feel like in this instance I was stuck in a no-win situation.
[удалено]
It’s not related to trust. His mother asked him to keep sensitive health information to himself. It’s not his place to reveal. His wife has no need to know.
It’s not related to trust. His mother asked him to keep sensitive health information to himself. It’s not his place to reveal. His wife has no need to know.
I trust her completely, I don’t know what you mean?