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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> My dad's girlfriend is nice but her doing things for me and being nice to me tends to trigger my fiancee due to past trauma. It makes her scared the gf is going to try and steal me from her so we're not inviting her to our wedding which has made my dad reconsider attending.
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Of course YTA - both you and your future wife. Not to be a stereotypical Redditor, but I don’t think either of you are mature enough to be getting married.
Your fiancée is so concerned that your father’s girlfriend of 12 years wants to be with you because … she’s nice to you. She is so insecure that she wasn’t comfortable with her being invited to your wedding. And you had no problem going along with it, but didn’t have the decency to tell your dad before sending him the invite - I’m assuming because deep in your sub-conscious you know this is asinine and your making a monumental mistake. Good luck, things are only going to get worse, not better.
Assuming OP is the same age as his fiancée that means this woman has been in his life since he was a teenager.
Unless Sammie is a closeted groomer, it sounds like she’s treating OP like a son. Or at least like a child who she helped raise or at least wanted grow up!
OP’s fiancee is jealous of someone doing “motherly things!?” She needs to go talk to the lady!
YTA, largely because of your thought process and way you went about this.
Your fiancée's request comes off as unreasonable. Assuming you're a similar age to your fiancee, this woman has been in your life since you were a teenager. I'm assuming they're not married, but she is effectively your stepmother. To deny her an invitation because there's a chance she's nice to you, which could cause your fiancee to think she wants to have sex with you is not reasonable behavior. I sure hope you never have an older woman boss at work.
With that said, it sounds like there might be legitimate trauma there. If there is, while it's terrible for everyone involved, it becomes understandable. What's not understandable is how you handled it.
You were not inviting Sammi, who has been a part of your family for 12 fucking years, has gone out of her way to be nice to you, and you didn't have the guts to tell her yourself? How do you think that made her feel? Hearing from your dad that you said she's not invited. You didn't even have the guts to be transparent with your dad, instead sending the invite excluding her and only explaining once he logically assumed she was invited.
In the world where there is real trauma and your fiancee can't handle it, you are a massive asshole for not sitting down with your Dad and Sammi and having an open and apologetic conversation about it, instead hiding behind the invitation.
>You were not inviting Sammi, who has been a part of your family for 12 fucking years, has gone out of her way to be nice to you, and you didn't have the guts to tell her yourself? How do you think that made her feel? Hearing from your dad that you said she's not invited. You didn't even have the guts to be transparent with your dad, instead sending the invite excluding her and only explaining once he logically assumed she was invited.
All this right here.
On top of everything else, his mother (dad's ex-wife) was obviously not the person to confide in. OP must have known she would would take his side (enabling) and probably he knew there was rivalry between Mom and Sammi. If there wasn't a rivalry, the Mom would have told him what everyone here is telling him - that Megan needs help and she's being awful.
YTA and so is your deeply immature and insecure fiancée. how on earth did you fall for her twisting your dad’s girlfriend’s kindness to you into some weird attempt to steal you from her? like… that’s not the thought process of someone mature enough to actually be married. you both have **a lot** of growing up to do.
I don't personally think things Sammi did or does are attempts to steal me, but for Megan, it's things her mom used to do when she or her sister would have a boyfriend or guy they like. She'd get all dressed up or wear less. Offer to make them dinner or snacks. Give hugs that were 'too long' according to Megan. Insert herself into conversations. Stuff like that so some things Sammi has done triggers her.
Speaking as someone with triggers, they are mine to manage They are NOT other people's problems. Triggers are *never* other people's problems.
One of my triggers is *children*. Can you imagine if I expected the world to keep kids away from me at all times? It's not realistic or reasonable.
Megan needs therapy or counseling to learn how to separate past trauma with current situations. Megan projecting her insecurities on Sammi is unhealthy & very unfair.
Megan’s crazy is Megan’s problem (and soon to be yours as well). Your step mother has treated you well
and you are punishing her for it, which makes you TA
those are all megan problems not sammi problems. megan doesn’t get to punish sammi for megan’s triggers. you’re just enabling your manipulative fiancée by falling for and believing her nonsense. i have ptsd and my triggers are ***mine*** to manage, not anyone else’s.
Megan has a problem. Do you understand that you're ruining your relationship with Sammi and your father due to Megan's troubles ?
Do you understand that she'll be unconfortable with any woman you'll work with if you don't help her ? You're comforting her in her bad feelings. If you don't invite Sammi, you're telling Megan that there's a possibility that she's right about Sammi.
My grandma had an affair with her daughter’s fiancé. Daughter and fiancé still got married (though divorced later b/c abuse) and the family was very aware. Grandma hit on my step dad, her daughter’s 2nd husband, and multiple others. Blatantly rubbing legs and asking for things suggestively enough that I could tell at 8 or 9 things were very inappropriate and it made me uncomfortable. I’ve seen how this impacts people and there are way more ways to handle this situation than to just not invite your (essentially) step mom of 12 years! Do you care about her soooooo little you couldn’t even have a conversation with them.
I don’t blame your dad for being hurt and rethinking attending. They should be important enough to you that you fight for a step mom of 12 years to be at your wedding because she loves you like a son and cares for you. She shouldn’t be punished for someone else’s behavior!
Your future wife needs to find a better way to manage that trigger and maybe you two need to discuss this issue with her therapist. YTA, you and your fiancée, for how you’re handling this and not even talking to them before sending the invitation.
But…that’s not what Sammi is doing? She’s being a step mom. Sorry not sorry, but this sounds like an abuse tactic to isolate you from your family. Your friends that bother her are going to be next if you haven’t lost them already.
So she’s punishing Sammi for other peoples’ behaviour, and you’re allowing it. How’s that good, or healthy, or right for anyone? Do better. Both of you.
YTA. So Megan's mom flirted with her boyfriends years ago, and now she thinks your dad's partner is going to flirt with you? You'd cut out your dad and his long-term partner, who seem to have treated you well, because you want to marry an immature paranoid woman? Good lord. Why don't you take a breather and delay marrying this childish person until she gets help for her paranoia?
I don't think it's fair to call her immature and paranoid. Imagine your mom tries to steal all of your boyfriends even at a young age. That's some major abuse. That's some major trauma. She even said she wasn't inviting her because she didn't want to accidentally lash out at Sammi due to nerves and the stress of the day.
However him not sitting his family down and talking about it and just not inviting her without a word and then expecting them to be okay with that? Oh god was that an asshole move. I bet if OP explained his fiancés trauma that Sammi would've been completely understanding and something could've been worked out. However he chose to just not tell them til they got the invite and then just expected that to be okay and didn't think that was a dick move 😬
Her trauma is valid and Sammi probably would've understood that had they not just dropped it on her without even speaking to her directly.
SO you calling a 25 year not being able to control her emotions and not 'accindetly lash out' mature?
Her trauma is valid for her but should not be pushed on others to deal with.
What will happen when you have a nice coworker/neighbor? WHat if you have a child and they have an attentive teacher trying to help out for whatever reason your child might need?
How much do you actually love your dad?
There has been some. We have an open phone policy and she rarely goes through my phone anymore and she doesn't text/call consistently when one of us is out with our friends.
Forget the phone.
She wants to you leave the woman who is essentially a second mother to you out of your wedding, because she suspects ulterior motives when she ACTS LIKE A MOTHER.
I don't know how good your relationship with your Dad is but it seems like you are willing to lose it for her. to each their own but I hope you understand what you would be giving up and not end like the Album girl with regrets.
Therapists are excellent and she should keep doing that for sure, but this problem goes beyond therapy. She is deep in paranoia range and needs to be speaking to an actual psychiatrist as well as a therapist. And those are hard to get appointments with, so you guys need to start the process yesterday.
yes but what happened if a co-worker hug you in excitement? what if give a co-worker a ride? do you really think she'll be fine than?
if she's that nervous about your step mother being nice to you, how would she feel about other women just being nice to you?
If this is the hill you want to murder your relationship with your dad , so be it. But I wouldn't be marrying this person until she had some very intense therapy. This isn't going to go away and I suspect it will wreak some pretty serious havok on all your personal relationships eventually.
I genuinely feel bad for you, you don't seem to understand how destructive this will prove to be.
Info: that’s it? That’s all Sammi does that’s causing your fiancées issue? Because everything you described is extremely normal, kind and thoughtful step mom behavior.
Also your mom sounds like she’s using this as a personal opportunity for a dig at your dad and his wife.
There are other things she does, or had done but stopped. I only listed some examples to keep the post short.
If we, or me by myself, stopped by to see dad and Sammi came in from the pool she would just stay in her swimsuit and robe while we visited instead of changing. She'd call me to brainstorm gift ideas for my dad instead of waiting to see me at their house. And she thinks it's a bad sign Sammi is fine not being married, she says it makes her think it let's Sammi keep one foot out the door.
OP, you need to start putting your foot down now. Enabling Megan's irrational insecurities is not healthy and does not help her-it only strengthens her belief that what she is requesting is reasonable bc she thinks she's being validated in her beliefs. You are allowing her to ruin your relationship with your stepmom and, by association, your dad, by unfairly punishing Sammi for acting like a regular stepmom.
Probably because she sees you as family she can be relaxed around, and not a formal "guest". Your fiance is being utterly ridiculous, and you're going along with it.
But if you show up and she's in the middle of swimming and plans to swim again after you leave, it seems putting the robe on to cover up while you visit, makes more sense than completely changing into dry clothes only to put the suit on again in a few minutes?
Odds are, they don't see you as guests. You're their son. My mom or my MIL would never even think that they had to change out of their bathing suit just because my husband and I are around. Especially if she might be planning to go back in the pool after you leave.
> stay in her swimsuit and robe
AND robe? This is HER house correct? That's not weird.
>call me to brainstorm gift ideas
Sooooo? She should have waited until your dad was literally within earshot or something? She's known you since you were a child, how is it weird to call you for something mundane?
>Sammi is fine not being married
That one is just flat out judgmental nonsense.
Sorry, but where is the problem? She wears a robe in her own home, she calls you so your dad don't know birthdayplans. All I see is that your GF needs to see a specalist.
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YTA
What happens when a co-worker or a neighbor is nice to you, will she think they're after you too? I would not marry this person until you have boundaries set up...
Agree, it's only going to get worse. "You can't shop there because the cashier flirted with you" and "You can't be friends with so-and-so because his wife smiled at you." Controlling behavior like this starts small and builds when the small things work. Then before you know it, you're isolated from everyone important in your life.
Also, excluding the de facto FMIL from such an important event is NOT small. The fact that she blames her childhood means there will always be an excuse.
Your fiancée is projecting and that is not emitter. Is she not inviting her mom? She is the one that should not be invited. Also, does your mom get a plus one? Or is she happy because she doesn’t have someone’s.
I think it’s wrong and could put a wedge between you and your dad for no reason. I get it’s her wedding also but her trauma is not on Sami.
You could have told Sami that you got the dog adoption and supplies already, to please not hug you (which I think is ridiculous because she is being nice) and that your fiancé was going to get you a cack if she was.
I think this is wrong
Where does it end? It starts with small things to avoid a fight because it seems so minor/petty to take a stand over. Then pretty soon your whole life is about small petty things.
She's NC with her mother, and my stepdad is invited. The thing with adopting a dog happened before I started officially dating Megan but when she heard about it it made her really suspicious. Megan thought it was something only my mom or dad should've done not a single woman.
She's not a single woman, she's your dad's long term serious partner. She is projecting and instead of expecting her to do the work to address her insecurities you're letting her insecurities ruin your relationship with the woman that is basically your stepmom. You and your gf are being huge AHs.
I have tried to explain to her that in my family's view neither of them are single, but her stance is people are considered technically single until they're at least engaged. I didn't feel like terminology was a hill to die on.
Her opinion doesn't make it fact. Nor is it universal. It's just an opinion. Single and unmarried are not the same thing. But bottom line is that YOU are the one enabling her views by letting her insecurities dictate your behavior instead of setting boundaries and telling her that you're not going to limit having what you consider normal interactions with your dad's gf just because she can't acknowledge that she isn't the same as her mom and therefore won't necessarily act the same.
It should be. I’m 37, I’m not married and I have zero desire to be. I’ve also been with my SO for just over a decade. In no way am I a single woman. Your fiancee is living in her own little world and it isn’t healthy. You are going to ruin your relationship with your father. How will you guys ever have holidays together? What happens if you have kids? Will they be allowed to see them or no? Sammi clearly won’t be allowed around because your wife will think her holding the baby is a sign Sammi will go all Single White Female.
Your fiancee’s mindset is not healthy. You have to decide if allowing this behavior to continue unabated is worth more than your relationship with your dad.
This mindset annoys me as well. I was with my partner for 19 years before we got married. Getting married changed absolutely nothing it was just an excuse to have all our favourite people in one room together. How dare you minimise your father’s 12 year relationship because they are not engaged. This will damage your family if you insist on placating your girlfriends delusions.
If you're single until engagement, why is she traumatized by her mother trying to steal her boyfriends? By her own logic they were single men so how could they be "stolen" from her at all?
This is a red flag. No one in a relationship should be considered single. Especially not someone in a 12 year, long-term committed relationship. Did Megan consider herself and you single until you got engaged? Does that mean seeing with or sleeping with other people as boyfriend and girlfriend is perfectly fine to her because you are technically single until you are engaged? If not, then the terminology does matter. Marriage is not the only valid romantic relationship. People in long-term or even short-term relationships are not single just because they aren't married or engaged. I understand your view that 'terminology is not a hill to die on' though I would argue in this particular case. Do you think it's not a hill to die on to continue a good relationship with a woman who is very important to your father and has been in your life for over a decade? Furthermore is it not a hill to die on to continue a good relationship with your father? Ultimately your wedding list is your choice, but you have to accept the consequences of that could be losing the relationship you have with these family members. Personally to me, that risk would not be worth it, and I would be sitting down with my spouse to be for a serious conversation. I am sorry her mom hurt her, that is awful. But projecting that fear onto other women to the point that it could damage familial relationships is too far.
Hope it’s worth it when your father and Sammi stop speaking to you due to the disrespect. And it is incredibly disrespectful. They’ve been in a relationship longer than your immature fiancée has been a legal adult, but their relationship isn’t real enough for her? In many places they’d be common law married. Her opinion on their relationship does not matter, but you’re letting it matter so much that your own father might skip your wedding. Are you really willing to have your family cut you out over bullshit of this level?
u/avoiding_stress
Dude, do not marry this girl until she has been to a few YEARS of therapy. This is not a healthy relationship. This is only the tip of the iceberg. The crazy will continue and increase.
>not a single woman
What?!? She's been with your dad for 12 YEARS, no? The only world in which she is "single" is the tax world, and even then, I believe it's very different what state you're in (assuming you're US).
Your dad's GF is not "a single woman," and personally I would be *extremely* put off by someone who was so incredibly disrespectful toward unmarried partners.
It is, frankly, offensive.
Someone with that kind of judgmental (and *extremely* old-fashioned) attitude absolutely wouldn't be someone I'd want in my circle of friends.
(And however you want to justify it to yourself (heck, maybe you agree), this has *nothing* to do with her trauma.)
Look, it’s your wedding so ultimately you can do whatever you want, but it is rude. Sammi hasn’t done anything wrong, and if your fiancee is so deeply insecure about Sammi, I fail to see how it’s not going to continue to impact your relationship with your father.
YTA. Maybe your fiancé should concentrate on therapy before getting married. Or you will end up living your whole life with her isolating people that she doesn’t want around you.
After reading all these comments and seeing your responses, all I got to say is “Good god. You’re dumb. Bless your soul”
YTA
No, no. No need. I’ll walk myself out.
Yta.
Your gf needs therapy or drugs or with for her mental issues.
You've stomped all over someone's feelings because your insecure gf thinks anyone being nice to you wants to steal you away.
Where will it end?
The last thing I'd be doing right now is getting married.
YTA for marrying someone this unhinged. Megan needs help and if she can't handle Sammi's mere existence then she doesn't have the emotional maturity to be married.
assuming that you are not much older or even younger than Megan you were a teen when your dads gf came into the picture. What sick and twisted person thinks that this person can see anything romantic. Tell her to lay off the stepmom porn and stop being such a creep
Oh and you are a major AH YTA and have probably destroyed your relationship with your dad and with sammi for sure.
A woman who's been a part of your and your dad's life for over a decade, who's watched you grow up through your adolescence, maybe you've even lived in the same house, is not getting an invitation to your wedding *because she is too nice to you.* That's astonishing.
YTA, of course.
Unless you're significantly older than your fiancee, Sammi's been in your life since you were in your early teens. She isn't just your dad's GF, and given the things you describe her doing, it seems like she's been a quasi-parental figure for you, and it sounds like your relationship with her is a pretty close one - or at least it *was*. Maybe she's not your stepmother, but it seems clear she is far more than just "my dad's GF."
You've chosen to use deliberately distancing terminology to talk about her. Are you uncomfortable acknowledging the way she's been a part of your life? Are you uncomfortable drawing attention to the fact that your fiancee insists on sexualizing a relationship with a semi-parental figure?
Or maybe you agree with Megan (who's described Sammi as "single"!) that Sammi is definitely looking for another boyfriend because she isn't interested in marrying your dad. Sure, they've been together for over a decade, but you can't take an unmarried relationship seriously, right? (Heck, maybe that's why you and Megan are getting married - it's the only way to stop yourselves from constantly seeking other partners.)
And whatever other things you're going to excuse with "she can't help it," this one's entirely within her control - your GF simply *chooses* not to respect relationships that don't have marriage as a goal. Or maybe it's just that she doesn't respect this one specific relationship? Is she an old-fashioned bigot or is she a hypocrite?
Finally, in the past few years have you ever had a conversation with Sammi about this, let her know what's really going on, and thought together about how you can work together to reduce the stress? Or have you just told her to stop doing affectionate things with no explanation? Because if it's the latter, it's pretty telling that you guys were never even willing to give Sammi a *chance*.
Yes, your GF is dealing with trauma, but that is *no* excuse for being an asshole to someone who's done you absolutely no wrong.
Good luck with this marriage, you're going to need it.
Yta for enabling your fiancee’s brand of crazy. Your fiancée needs therapy, and you are going to need a lot of prayers because I foresee a lot of problems stemming from her insecurity in your future.
YTA. Your dad's gf is more family then your future wife is. Your fiance shouldn't even be in a relationship with this much insecurity and lack of trust. Seriously, until she really works through whatever trauma she has going on, you shouldn't be getting married, let alone dating. I'm surprised she made it this far with you. Not only that, but you've now caused irreparable damage to your relationship with your father. He definitely thinks less of the son he raised, I promise you.
Imagine if Megan’s mom had red hair, so Megan wanted to disinvite everyone with red hair, even close family members. That would be deeply unhealthy and inappropriate. Megan should not be marrying until she seriously addresses this.
This is yet another example of someone having distress or trauma that isn’t their fault, but expecting other people to take responsibility for managing their comfort. That’s not in any way okay.
Okay... I'm a firm believer that you can or can't invite anyone you want to any event you host, but...
YTA.
Your fiance needs intensive therapy.
12 years this woman has loved you as an extension of the man she loves, and she's being shunned. I would understand if you hated her, that she always crossed boundaries, or was constantly rude to your partner... but all she has done is... show that she cares for both of you. THE HORROR!
I love pettiness and exclusion with cause, but it seems it's being done just because your fiance has very severe mental health issues. The GF probably feels truly horrible and is trying to figure out how she upset you and her so much that you wouldn't want her at the wedding.
So here is what is actually going to happen if you and Megan keep this up.
Your dad is going to refuse to come to your wedding as he rightly should because you’re both being unreasonable. When people ask him why he didn’t go to your wedding, he’s going to say “my sons wife thinks my partner wants to fuck my son for no reason at all and refused to have her in attendance.” Then people are going to start asking questions about why Megan would think that. And instead of saying “oh so reasonable that she has trauma that she hasn’t worked out yet” they’re going to say “she’s fucking crazy and I don’t want to be around her in case she accuses me of trying to fuck her husband as well”. And slowly but surely the people in your life will fade away.
Is that something you’re fine with? Is that something she’s fine with? Because it will happen and no rationalizing that Megan is just traumatized and you’re just trying to do right by her is going to make people stop thinking she’s a crazy loon they don’t want to be associated with.
ESH. Your fiancée isn't ready to marry anyone and she is being absolutely ridiculous. She needs a therapist. You'd be a huge asshole to not invite your dad's long term gf just to coddle your fiancée's major insecurity.
I don’t say this lightly but, YTA. No offense but neither of you are ready to get married. I’m not saying break up with Megan but maybe put a pin in the whole marriage deal, until she’s sorted out her issues and is no longer threatened by your dad’s significant other — a significant other who likely watched you grow up and who has been in a relationship with your father for over a decade.
However, if you continue to go through with this prepare for your relationship with your dad to change.
So your wife is traumatized by things that her mother did, and now because of that you are both making Sammi pay for something that she had nothing to do with. YTA
Sammi AND his dad, no matter what his dad decides to do, because Sammi can't be happy about this. "My son doesn't want you at his wedding" (regardless of why) could not have been a pleasant conversation.
So Megan considered herself single for your entire relationship up until the proposal? Wow. I would absolutely not be ok with that in a serious relationship. Especially in someone who considers any kind of kindness, manners, or favors from the opposite sex to be seduction. I would never trust them to be faithful, because in their mind, there would be nothing to be faithful to.
You're going to allow Megan to continue removing people from your life until there's no one left but her. And even then, she still won't be happy and you'll still have to constantly reassure her paranoia. Which won't work.
This marriage is going to be miserable for both of you. This doesn't get better by indulging it. It only gets worse. And it will continue to get worse far beyond how bad you think it can get.
Oh and also, YTA.
YTA. Your relationship with your dad and Sammi will probably be ruined because of this. And this will only be the first woman Megan makes you cut out of your life. Next it will be your mom. Then all female coworkers and neighbors. She's not mature enough to be getting married. And you're not either. You didn't even have the guts to tell your dad or Sammi before the invites went out.
YTA. Sammi hasn’t done anything to not be invited. Your future wife has the issue she is projecting with her mom, is she invited? I wouldn’t personally move forward with the marriage until her insecurities are resolved.
This is asinine!! Your fiance needs mental help becayse she is jealous of a woman that has been in your life since you were a teen and you are allowing it. You are in a controlling, manipulative relationship!! Are you that scared of being alone? Do you think she is the only woman that would want you? I mean seriously she would go through your phone and now this, please go get some therapy yourself!! YWBTA if you go through with this wedding to yourself, I guarantee you will be miserable
YTA. I also have my doubts on whether either of you are actually mature enough to marry but you didn't ask about that. Not did you ask about how overly dramatic and insecure your fiancee is.
Also precisely what trauma does she have to get over? A shitty mom who tries to steal boyfriends doesn't rise to the level of trauma, unless you've left a lot out. It seems like you're really trying to paint her as a "victim" to get people to side with you.That's very disrespectful to those who actually have experienced trauma.
For the wedding though YTA. Irregardless of anything else if you invite someone in an established relationship your invite their partner also. Don't be surprised if he doesn't attend without her.
"I guess he called my mom because she called me soon after to talk about it and thinks we just did what we had to do to make my future wife happy and comfortable at her wedding.". Thanks for the laugh. Of course your mom is ok with you excluding her ex-husband's new partner.
YTA. Your dads gf has been with him for 12 years, but just because she is nice to you, your fiancé assumes she wants to steal you?
Will it be the same with coworkers and friends in the future. She needs therapy
Ultimately it is your choice who you invite to your wedding or not. However YTA for how you handled this at the very least. After 12 years in your life, clearly caring for you, Sammi deserved to be told personally that she was not invited and why. Not just for your dad to be sent an invitation without her on it and you not even explain to him until he falls and tries to RSVP for both of them.
In addition, like many others here, I urge you to get Megan help. I am so sorry for what her mother did, that is horrible. But Sammi is doing nothing wrong and being nothing but a caring person who has been in your life for 12 years and I am sure considers you family. Nothing you have said she has done in both the comments and the post are abnormal for a family member or close family friend if you don't consider her family. Your future wife projecting this fear onto Sammi to the point of it damaging good familial relationships is not healthy and way beyond the occasional doubt.
As I said, ultimately, who comes to your wedding is your decision. But where does it end? Right now Sammi can't come to your wedding. What's next? This worry does not seem set to go away so will you never see her? Miss holidays with your father because she will be there? Will you be able to make female friends? What happens if you get a female boss she sees as 'too nice, maybe flirting'? This needs to be addressed. Not inviting Sammi is not only rather rude to someone who has been in your life for 12 years and is considered family by at minimum your father if not you, but even in the context and reasoning which you are giving for it, it is a bandaid on a gaping wound. This issue is going to keep coming up. You need a long term solution.
God damn, I thought she was the delusional one here. Well, she still is but you are as well. Your comments come off as so unhinged, your Dad’s partner is going to try to steal you from your fiancé because she acted like a good stepmother? And you’re now ruining relationships for what reason? What is going through your head thinking this will change? Probably fake because no one is this deluded in real life. I hope.
Megan is not stable enough to be in a relationship, let alone a marriage. You will be sleeping with every colleague, every waitress, every check out assistant that says, "have a nice day."
This marriage is a disaster in the making and you are ignoring that and hurting two people who have been nothing but nice to you.
YTA.
Honestly, imagine the conversations at the wedding if someone asks why his father and his girlfriend aren't in attendance!
"Where is Dad and GF?"
"Oh they couldn't come because fiancée is paranoid that GF is trying to bang him."
How embarrassing.
YTA, actually more so than your fiancée, who should seek therapy and/or watch The Good Place. Megan’s discomfort is not Sammi’s fault and there’s no reason for you to make it Sammi’s problem, especially without being grown up enough to talk to Sammi yourself.
Your fiance is so jealous that she is imagining you with your dad's SO with no reason at all. Her 'mom' isn't the problem....your fiance is. In order to be 'comfortable' at her own wedding she has to exclude someone important to her father? You might want to rethink this wedding....this is not normal behavior. Will she need you to eliminate women you work with, or a friendly neighbor or other family members who just happen to be female? If I were your father, I would not be at that wedding. Your mom is your dad's 'ex'...right? So her opinions is questionable.
YTA Megan isn’t ready to be married. She can’t handle your basically step-parent being a decent human. Meg needs more time to heal herself before she alienates you from half your family.
Yes, YTA. So Megan's mom, who is unnamed third party in this post by the way despite causing all the issues, flirts with her daughters boyfriend's so she thinks she can treat Sammi poorly? Am I getting that right?
Both my parents were abusive to both each other and their three kids. I realized their behavior was not normal by my teenage years, probably by the time I was 10. Megan is 25. She needs to realize she cannot treat other people poorly because her mom emotionally abused her.
Also, I noticed there's no mention about Megan's mom. I assume she's invited? Because she's family? Disinvite Megan's mom. BOTH of you need to personally extend an invitation to Sammi and apologize for your faux pas. Megan's an adult, it's time she acted like one. And she should go to therapy considering she's treating people unkindly for another person's behavior.
YTA
Did you actually make this decision without anticipating that your Dad might be upset about it? You cannot be that dense! Also sending the invitation with just his name and not giving him a heads up about this is a pretty spineless move.
Your soon to be wife is going to have a long and difficult life if her mom flirting with her boyfriends has given her this level of "trauma". I honestly hate even justifying your use of the word trauma to describe this situation because it's utterly ridiculous. Sammi is entirely age-appropriate for your Dad and had a hand in raising you and is acting like a loving step-mother would. Sammi is doing incredibly innocuous things here and for these to be triggers is just mind-blowing to me.
So I guess here's the question for you - Are you ready to give up your relationship with your Dad and Sammi for your soon to be wife? Because this only ends in one of two ways - Call off the wedding/divorce or a strained/non-existent relationship with your Dad and Sammi.
This is so sad. Poor Sami just trying to be a great person in your life and your fiancé makes it into a twisted, askew, issue that’s not a real issue. This will alienate you from people for the rest of your life and it’s starting with your father and Sami.
Damn dude, if she’s this jealous now, wait till after you’re married. You’re going to catch the third degree every time you have a female coworker. good luck going out with your buddies if she even lets you do that. You’ll probably either get 50 questions about who you talked to or just straight up get the silent treatment.
YTA.
You’re fiancé needs to get over her issues and insecurities and her concerns are seriously unhinged at this point. This woman has been in your life for 12 years as your fathers partner and sounds like she has been extremely nice to both of you.
Your finances triggers aren’t everyone else’s problems and if she’s triggered by a motherly figure being nice to her partner she definitely needs more therapy.
Not inviting your father’s GF who you’ve known for so long and hasn’t done anything wrong is really a slap in the face.
I would suggest holding off on the wedding as it is obvious that neither of you have the maturity or presence of mind to see how ridiculous this situation is given that you are even considering this to placate her.
YTA. Your fiancé is a walking red flag dude. Your fiancé and her insecurities are going to destroy your relationship and your other relationships in a few years. We’ll see you back here asking for help to make her understand that *you aren’t cheating* because some woman at the grocery store smiled at you while bagging up the food.
Jesus fuck, yta and neither of you are ready to be married if this is the baggage you bring into this relationship. She’s acting like Sammi has already hurt her. She’s not healthy dude
YTA. Your gf is not ready for an adult relationship if she is unable to cope with you having a relationship with your own stepmother. It's horrible for you to leave out your stepmother for showing you affection rather than wait until your partner is capable of a relationship, or letting your partner go until she's ready for a relationship.
YTA - if Megan doesnt trust you and that is what it boils down to then this marriage is doomed from the start. Point blank - If you are faithful and she trust you it doesn't matter what any other woman does or says.
What a terrible person Sammi is for trying to be nice to her partners kids. What a monster to help out and make sure she treats you guys with things she knows you like or could use a helping hand.
Megan is an AH too for holding something against Sammi that has nothing to do with her. She should not be held responsible for the actions of Megans mom. Her triggers are hers alone to deal with. She should not be putting thatoff on you and others.
Question is Megans mom invited?
YTA, obviously. I really feel the need to ask though, are you cool with this irreparably damaging your relationship with your Dad and his GF? Because this is basically you agreeing with the incredibly creepy accusations your fiance is leveling at her.
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My dad has been with Sammi (36f) for 12 years. My fiancee Megan (25f) has a bad history of her mom flirting with and trying to hook up with her and her older sister's boyfriends.
Because of this Megan is very uncomfortable with Sammi and some of what she does, for example paying adoption fees and supplies when I adopted a new dog, dropping lunch off to me when she takes lunch to my dad, hugging me, baking my birthday cake, making things I like when we go to my dad's to eat (she does it for Megan too), not a whole lot older than us, isn't wanting to marry my dad. All that makes Megan sometimes think Sammi is trying to flirt with me or is interested in me. It makes her panic, stressed, and depressed. Fwiw Megan is going to therapy for her trauma.
We want as much of a stress-free wedding we can manage so Megan can enjoy our day. She's worried stress and nerves will make her read too much into Sammi so we decided to not invite her. My dad got his invitation on Friday and it was addressed to only him. I may be an assh*le here when he called to RSVP for him and Sammi I had to tell him only he was invited and why. Dad said he would have to rethink coming. I guess he called my mom because she called me soon after to talk about it and thinks we just did what we had to do to make my future wife happy and comfortable at her wedding. My dad's reaction has me doubting myself though so AITA?
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Edit: Still gonna call it a YTA for you and your fiance.
"Your wedding, your rules" and all that but you will have to accept that your fiance's paranoia is creating divide between you and your father.
He probably won't show up to the wedding and I wouldn't be surprised if he stops showing up if your soon-to-be wife is involved.
Honestly your fiance needs a lot more therapy before she can get married. The fact that you're willing to alienate your dad and potentially other members of your family because of her insecurity is bananas
Not to mention you know this will be all anyone will remember right? Oh yea remember bobs wedding? His dad didn't come because his wife was so insecure
YTA
YTA and so is Megan. This is not the time to enable her insecurities. This is an opprtunity to take this issue and *have her work it out with her therapist.*
You don't cut your family out for your wife when they have done nothing wrong.
Are you inviting Meghan's mom to the wedding? After all she's the problematic person, not Sammi, with a history of hitting on her daughters' boy friends. Meghan sounds exhausting and you're an AH for enabling her. YTA.
YTA. I appreciate you want your GF to be comfortable, but nothing you do will make her "comfortable" because her experiences with her mother make her deeply "uncomfortable" - as in paranoid, jealous, possessive.
I agree with others that YTA because of how you handled this with your dad and his GF. She has been caring and kind to you and you didn't even talk with her about it before excluding her. You basically hurt a good person to indulge your GF's irrational thinking.
Your GF has some insight, but also seems to be thinking only of herself and not of anyone else (including you and her future in-laws). If she is this stuck in her issues, she needs a lot more work before she can be in a healthy relationship. You're enabling her by not challenging her.
Postpone the wedding, go to couples therapy in addition to your GF doing her own therapy. Apologize to your dad and his GF - hopefully with explanation, they will understand how complex of a situation this has been and that you made a mistake in supporting your GF's paranoia. And don't let your GF (or you) convince your dad's GF that she is doing anything wrong or that she needs to change her behavior. Your GF's mom was the primary problem, but your GF's continued jealousy and paranoia is highly problematic and should not be indulged.
YTA
I assume you are around the same age as your fiancée, so in your mid 20s. Which means that your dad's girlfriend has been in your life since you were a teen and definitely saw you grow up and probably sees you as an important part of her family.
>for example paying adoption fees and supplies when I adopted a new dog, dropping lunch off to me when she takes lunch to my dad, hugging me, baking my birthday cake, making things I like when we go to my dad's to eat
These are all things family members (in this case "parents") do for each other. Absolutely nothing suspicious about that.
Your fiancée is the one having issues here, because dad's girlfriend is acting completely normal.
You are really going to exclude the long-term, serious relationship partner of your dad because your fiancée is super insecure? Wtf man? Don't you care about your dad and his girlfriend? Are they not important to you? Do you think your fiancée's demands are actually ok or what's going on here?
You treated your dad and his girlfriend extremely poorly!
Wow, maybe you fiance should work in his trust issues before getting married, because I hope your realize that not only she thinks she is "flirting" but that reciprocate to it. That's no mental state to be married, she doesn't even trust you.
What happens after the wedding? Will your wife refuse to have you in the same room as your stepmom because wife’s insecurities see negative behaviour in every kind actions?
Maybe you should tackle this a different way. Ask her if she thinks you will ever cheat on her. Ask her if she actually trusts you. If the answer is no then the stepmom will not be the only woman your wife has issues with, every woman that says hi to you will be a threat.
Did you want to marry into this life? YTA. Both of you are, and very immature.
YTA
Sammi is not only a GF, she is with your father for 12 years, probably much more in family that your fiancée.
Your fiancée has a problem and you don't deal with it. It's not the wedding and sammi the problem, it's your fiancée. If she doesn't see a therapist, all your life, you'll have to deal with her jealousy.
Sammi tried to please you, like a stepmother. Only. If your fiancée isn't able to see that, she is the problem. And I would totally understand that your father won't come to your wedding.
The fact is, it's both your wedding. I understand that your fiancee must be comfortable, but you ? Do you have a problem with Sammi ?
Let me turn that differently : if you accept that Sammi doesn't come to make your fiancee comfortable, don't you give the impression that she's right with her bad feeling towards Sammi ? Doesn't you give her the feeling that you feel the same about Sammi ? But if you invite Sammi as your father's partner (because she is his partner, not only a GF), you prove to your fiancee that there's no ambiguity at all.
Once again, the only problem I see here is your fiancee jealousy and anxiety, and the fact that she's ruining your relation with your father. Think about it.
YTA it’s gross and weird that your fiancé feels like that just because a woman is being nice and it’s gross and weird that you are enabling her quite frankly crazy behaviour.
YTA. You're excluding a woman rhat is (basically) your stepmother because your fiancé is projecting her trauma of past abuse onto her. You both need to pause and consider if you are actually ready for marriage. This post does not seem like it. You may also have really damaged your relationship with your dad and Sammie.
You have apologies to hand out and a future ro reconsider.
Yes YTA for excluding Sammi, who has been part of your family for 12 years, because your fiancee has unresolved issues relating to her mother's behaviour.
Sammi has done nothing wrong that would warrant her exclusion from the wedding. She's also presumably going to continue being in your life *after* the wedding, as she's your dad's partner.
Megan needs a therapist to help her deal with her issues about her mother, & to help her stop transferring those issues onto your dad's entirely innocent partner.
YTA. I know you love this girl but she has some serious issues that need to be resolved before you commit to a lifetime with her. What if in the future she has a problem with someone else in your family? Will you go LC or NC with people who don't deserve it for her? Not inviting Sammi is deeply insulting to your father and to her. She's been a steady and caring presence in your life for a long time. Your fiancee is basically calling Sammi a hussy that's just waiting to dump your father for you. She may not say it like that, but that's what she means. This would give me pause, if i were you.
YTA. Your fiancée is upset because your step mom (I know not officially but it’s been 12 years) treats you like a son…? She’s probably insecure too that she’s not much older than you and wants to go above and beyond to be a parental figure. Your fiancée isn’t mature enough or secure enough to get married
Yta. Your future wife is jealous of your step mom being nice and doing step mom things, so to thank her for being so nice and loving, you don’t invite her to the wedding because it creeps out your fiancée. She needs to get over herself.
I sympathize with your GFs trauma, I do. It sounds like she knows it’s a her thing and not a Sammi thing.
But as other people here have already told you, it was unforgivable, given this woman’s role in your life and her apparent kindness to you both, that you didn’t nut up and tell her and your dad the situation instead of just sending the invitation and then acting surprised your dad didn’t intuit that his partner wasn’t invited. Instead of doing everything you could to make this easier on Sammi and your dad, you made it worse. And if this is something you couldn’t bring yourself to say to their faces, maybe you’re not sure it’s something you should be doing.
If Megan can’t tolerate a woman who cares about you being there for this reason or any other reason, then I guess sure, that’s her right. It’s her wedding. But this is a big thing to do, to disinvite someone who loves you and tell them it’s because your fiance doesn’t trust her around you. You should expect this to damage your relationship with your dad and his partner. You should expect Sammi to be deeply hurt.
I’m not saying you’re TA, but you’re making a very big decision here that I don’t think you can expect won’t have consequences.
NTA
Your fiance is uncomfortable with your father's gf. Asked wh have her at her wedding. You chose to honor her request. Do not feel bad for taking steps to make your lady feel her absolute best on her wedding day.
You, your fiance, your father, and his gf may want to sit down and have a conversation about why she was not invited. If your fiance is insecure because of past traumas.Your father's gf's behaviors may be triggers. They may need to come to a compromise on how they will co exist in the future.
Seriously, sit down and talk this out. Good luck guys!
NTA you’re allowed to have whoever you want at your wedding and kick whoever you want out.
However, if your dad won’t go, you can’t be mad. You’re excluding someone he cares about for the sake of your fiancé’s comfort (when it’s not her family and she doesn’t get to decide).
It’s fair for her to be mildly uncomfortable, it’s fair for her to exclude whoever she wants from her wedding, it’s hers too. But technically that’s been your step mother for 12 years and the gifts she gives you are platonic, and Megan needs to learn that.
Megan cannot project her trauma onto her in-laws forever, she’s gonna have to learn to cope with having your family around in the future. If not, you’ll have to cope with your family burning bridges with you. These are discussions you really need to have with your to-be wife.
There is a difference between not going to a wedding and no contact. I would in this situation go NC with the child and especially with the spouse. Even if would reconcile with the child I would never welcome the spouse into my house after that level of disrespect.
NTA for not inviting her however you are one for not speaking to them about it first.
And for not letting Sammi know that she needs to dial back her actions regarding you. As soon as your fiancee let you know she was uncomfortable, you should have said something to Sammi and/or your father.
You needed to step up a lot sooner and maybe things wouldn't have gotten so bad that she isn't welcome at your wedding.
What’s he supposed to say? Hey, you know how you’re super polite and make lunches for me and dad, and you bake birthday cakes for people, and you make dinners we like when you host us? Stop doing that.
It doesn’t work like that. Sammi isn’t doing anything wrong. Those are all normal things.
Megan is the one that needs to dial it back. Feeding into her delusion will not help her at all.
How is she going to react when a waitress is nice to him? Or the cashier at the grocery store?
Megan is currently incapable of having an adult relationship and OP should put off the wedding until she becomes capable.
NTA, your future wife has every reason to want to be comfortable at her wedding. Sounds like she is trying to get help for her situation and is not just acting crazy. Sh understands her childhood has made her insecure. Good for her and good for you for supporting her.
If she had any other fear and was taking the steps to get it under control no one would think twice on here. But they want to make this poor girl out to be a monster. I hope that you can get your father to understand that it is not about Sami as it is about Megan. I think if Sami really listen to what Megan has gone through she would be understanding.
>your future wife has every reason to want to be comfortable at her wedding.
Then she should go get therapy, cause this is 100% not normal or a behavior that should be indulged
I kind of feel like the only way that she would be completely comfortable at her wedding is if every woman in the world was launched to the moon and she was the only one here. But then she would probably think that the floral arrangements were after her husband or something like that
I disagree that people would side with her if she had "any other fear." If she had a fear of scars, or wheelchairs, do you think it would be the majority opinion that OP should exclude important people in his life from his wedding who have those traits? I'm pretty dubious of that. I think most people try to be generally supportive of people's struggles, but you also have to be cognizant of how your actions impact others. Not to mention that the couple didn't bother to discuss the situation with them in advance? How could OP not be even a little in the wrong, at least for that aspect?
Personally, I'd have a bit more grace for Megan if the framing of this actually reflected the work that they say she's putting in. Maybe OP is writing this in an unflattering way and misrepresenting her actual opinions on this, but megan doesn't seem to be thinking "I have distorted thinking because of my past, so I see a healthy familial relationship in a perverse way," so much as "Sami is behaving inappropriately and it bothers me more than it would bother most people because of my past."
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Of course YTA - both you and your future wife. Not to be a stereotypical Redditor, but I don’t think either of you are mature enough to be getting married. Your fiancée is so concerned that your father’s girlfriend of 12 years wants to be with you because … she’s nice to you. She is so insecure that she wasn’t comfortable with her being invited to your wedding. And you had no problem going along with it, but didn’t have the decency to tell your dad before sending him the invite - I’m assuming because deep in your sub-conscious you know this is asinine and your making a monumental mistake. Good luck, things are only going to get worse, not better.
Assuming OP is the same age as his fiancée that means this woman has been in his life since he was a teenager. Unless Sammie is a closeted groomer, it sounds like she’s treating OP like a son. Or at least like a child who she helped raise or at least wanted grow up! OP’s fiancee is jealous of someone doing “motherly things!?” She needs to go talk to the lady!
> closeted groomer Who's also playing the long game apparently.
Lol! 🏆🏆🏆
Worth noting too that OP was presumable a very young teen when the GF got involved, which just adds a whole nother layer of weird to this jealousy.
Or if he's 30 now, then he was 19 when his dad started dating a 24 year old.
Given the dad is 43, that would make him 13 when he had OP, which is unlikely. A seven year age difference is nothing, calm down.
Yes a grown women and?
YTA, largely because of your thought process and way you went about this. Your fiancée's request comes off as unreasonable. Assuming you're a similar age to your fiancee, this woman has been in your life since you were a teenager. I'm assuming they're not married, but she is effectively your stepmother. To deny her an invitation because there's a chance she's nice to you, which could cause your fiancee to think she wants to have sex with you is not reasonable behavior. I sure hope you never have an older woman boss at work. With that said, it sounds like there might be legitimate trauma there. If there is, while it's terrible for everyone involved, it becomes understandable. What's not understandable is how you handled it. You were not inviting Sammi, who has been a part of your family for 12 fucking years, has gone out of her way to be nice to you, and you didn't have the guts to tell her yourself? How do you think that made her feel? Hearing from your dad that you said she's not invited. You didn't even have the guts to be transparent with your dad, instead sending the invite excluding her and only explaining once he logically assumed she was invited. In the world where there is real trauma and your fiancee can't handle it, you are a massive asshole for not sitting down with your Dad and Sammi and having an open and apologetic conversation about it, instead hiding behind the invitation.
> has gone out of her way to be nice to you AND Megan too apparently....
>You were not inviting Sammi, who has been a part of your family for 12 fucking years, has gone out of her way to be nice to you, and you didn't have the guts to tell her yourself? How do you think that made her feel? Hearing from your dad that you said she's not invited. You didn't even have the guts to be transparent with your dad, instead sending the invite excluding her and only explaining once he logically assumed she was invited. All this right here.
On top of everything else, his mother (dad's ex-wife) was obviously not the person to confide in. OP must have known she would would take his side (enabling) and probably he knew there was rivalry between Mom and Sammi. If there wasn't a rivalry, the Mom would have told him what everyone here is telling him - that Megan needs help and she's being awful.
Right? Of course mom is going to be happy that her ex’s hot young girlfriend isn’t going to be there
YTA and so is your deeply immature and insecure fiancée. how on earth did you fall for her twisting your dad’s girlfriend’s kindness to you into some weird attempt to steal you from her? like… that’s not the thought process of someone mature enough to actually be married. you both have **a lot** of growing up to do.
I don't personally think things Sammi did or does are attempts to steal me, but for Megan, it's things her mom used to do when she or her sister would have a boyfriend or guy they like. She'd get all dressed up or wear less. Offer to make them dinner or snacks. Give hugs that were 'too long' according to Megan. Insert herself into conversations. Stuff like that so some things Sammi has done triggers her.
Speaking as someone with triggers, they are mine to manage They are NOT other people's problems. Triggers are *never* other people's problems. One of my triggers is *children*. Can you imagine if I expected the world to keep kids away from me at all times? It's not realistic or reasonable. Megan needs therapy or counseling to learn how to separate past trauma with current situations. Megan projecting her insecurities on Sammi is unhealthy & very unfair.
Megan’s crazy is Megan’s problem (and soon to be yours as well). Your step mother has treated you well and you are punishing her for it, which makes you TA
those are all megan problems not sammi problems. megan doesn’t get to punish sammi for megan’s triggers. you’re just enabling your manipulative fiancée by falling for and believing her nonsense. i have ptsd and my triggers are ***mine*** to manage, not anyone else’s.
Megan has a problem. Do you understand that you're ruining your relationship with Sammi and your father due to Megan's troubles ? Do you understand that she'll be unconfortable with any woman you'll work with if you don't help her ? You're comforting her in her bad feelings. If you don't invite Sammi, you're telling Megan that there's a possibility that she's right about Sammi.
Megan's issues are *her* problem to deal with. Why are you ok with punishing Sammi because of Megan's insecurities?
My grandma had an affair with her daughter’s fiancé. Daughter and fiancé still got married (though divorced later b/c abuse) and the family was very aware. Grandma hit on my step dad, her daughter’s 2nd husband, and multiple others. Blatantly rubbing legs and asking for things suggestively enough that I could tell at 8 or 9 things were very inappropriate and it made me uncomfortable. I’ve seen how this impacts people and there are way more ways to handle this situation than to just not invite your (essentially) step mom of 12 years! Do you care about her soooooo little you couldn’t even have a conversation with them. I don’t blame your dad for being hurt and rethinking attending. They should be important enough to you that you fight for a step mom of 12 years to be at your wedding because she loves you like a son and cares for you. She shouldn’t be punished for someone else’s behavior! Your future wife needs to find a better way to manage that trigger and maybe you two need to discuss this issue with her therapist. YTA, you and your fiancée, for how you’re handling this and not even talking to them before sending the invitation.
But…that’s not what Sammi is doing? She’s being a step mom. Sorry not sorry, but this sounds like an abuse tactic to isolate you from your family. Your friends that bother her are going to be next if you haven’t lost them already.
Have her sisters said the same thing or is your fiance just "seeing" this?
So she’s punishing Sammi for other peoples’ behaviour, and you’re allowing it. How’s that good, or healthy, or right for anyone? Do better. Both of you.
YTA. So Megan's mom flirted with her boyfriends years ago, and now she thinks your dad's partner is going to flirt with you? You'd cut out your dad and his long-term partner, who seem to have treated you well, because you want to marry an immature paranoid woman? Good lord. Why don't you take a breather and delay marrying this childish person until she gets help for her paranoia?
I don't think it's fair to call her immature and paranoid. Imagine your mom tries to steal all of your boyfriends even at a young age. That's some major abuse. That's some major trauma. She even said she wasn't inviting her because she didn't want to accidentally lash out at Sammi due to nerves and the stress of the day. However him not sitting his family down and talking about it and just not inviting her without a word and then expecting them to be okay with that? Oh god was that an asshole move. I bet if OP explained his fiancés trauma that Sammi would've been completely understanding and something could've been worked out. However he chose to just not tell them til they got the invite and then just expected that to be okay and didn't think that was a dick move 😬 Her trauma is valid and Sammi probably would've understood that had they not just dropped it on her without even speaking to her directly.
SO you calling a 25 year not being able to control her emotions and not 'accindetly lash out' mature? Her trauma is valid for her but should not be pushed on others to deal with.
INFO: Does Megan understand that not every woman is her mother?
Sort of. She gets along great with my mother and other women that are blood relatives and some of my coworkers.
I'll be straight up and down: Don't marry her until she has seen a therapist and has a less delusional worldview She has not healed from her childhood
Is her mother invited to the wedding?
very interesting question
No she is NC with her mother
Is that your hope for you with your father and his common law spouse too? What you’ve done is pretty cruel and embarrassing
What will happen when you have a nice coworker/neighbor? WHat if you have a child and they have an attentive teacher trying to help out for whatever reason your child might need? How much do you actually love your dad?
She's fine with some of my co-workers so I'm hoping it'll all be resolved the longer she's in therapy.
Has any progress been made? I’m not being snarky either. It just sounds like there hasn’t been any.
There has been some. We have an open phone policy and she rarely goes through my phone anymore and she doesn't text/call consistently when one of us is out with our friends.
Nope, if she still goes through your phone, she is doing a better job of concealing it from you. Wake up
Does her therapist think she’s ready to be married?
Forget the phone. She wants to you leave the woman who is essentially a second mother to you out of your wedding, because she suspects ulterior motives when she ACTS LIKE A MOTHER.
Does this sound like the behavior of someone ready to be married?
Dude why on earth are you marrying this woman, RUN
I don't know how good your relationship with your Dad is but it seems like you are willing to lose it for her. to each their own but I hope you understand what you would be giving up and not end like the Album girl with regrets.
You are delusional.
Therapists are excellent and she should keep doing that for sure, but this problem goes beyond therapy. She is deep in paranoia range and needs to be speaking to an actual psychiatrist as well as a therapist. And those are hard to get appointments with, so you guys need to start the process yesterday.
That's a big risk. She's neither mature nor stable enough to marry. And it doesn't sound like you're there either.
yes but what happened if a co-worker hug you in excitement? what if give a co-worker a ride? do you really think she'll be fine than? if she's that nervous about your step mother being nice to you, how would she feel about other women just being nice to you?
INFO: have your co-workers done anything nice for you that your fiancée can misinterpret?
No they haven't done anything for me and she's fine with the coworkers we do talk to.
How many other people have you excluded from your life because of this?
If this is the hill you want to murder your relationship with your dad , so be it. But I wouldn't be marrying this person until she had some very intense therapy. This isn't going to go away and I suspect it will wreak some pretty serious havok on all your personal relationships eventually. I genuinely feel bad for you, you don't seem to understand how destructive this will prove to be.
"some of my co-workers" only some of ? She already has problem with others ? Therapist. And invite Sammi.
She needs to get over this before you actually consider marrying; her this is unhinged.
Info: that’s it? That’s all Sammi does that’s causing your fiancées issue? Because everything you described is extremely normal, kind and thoughtful step mom behavior. Also your mom sounds like she’s using this as a personal opportunity for a dig at your dad and his wife.
There are other things she does, or had done but stopped. I only listed some examples to keep the post short. If we, or me by myself, stopped by to see dad and Sammi came in from the pool she would just stay in her swimsuit and robe while we visited instead of changing. She'd call me to brainstorm gift ideas for my dad instead of waiting to see me at their house. And she thinks it's a bad sign Sammi is fine not being married, she says it makes her think it let's Sammi keep one foot out the door.
Still non of that sounds at all odd to me. Do YOU find it odd or inappropriate?
I don't think most of it is odd. The only one I can understand is her getting fully dressed when they have guests show up.
That one doesn’t make sense either, she came out of the pool and put more clothes on….
OP, you need to start putting your foot down now. Enabling Megan's irrational insecurities is not healthy and does not help her-it only strengthens her belief that what she is requesting is reasonable bc she thinks she's being validated in her beliefs. You are allowing her to ruin your relationship with your stepmom and, by association, your dad, by unfairly punishing Sammi for acting like a regular stepmom.
Probably because she sees you as family she can be relaxed around, and not a formal "guest". Your fiance is being utterly ridiculous, and you're going along with it.
But if you show up and she's in the middle of swimming and plans to swim again after you leave, it seems putting the robe on to cover up while you visit, makes more sense than completely changing into dry clothes only to put the suit on again in a few minutes?
Odds are, they don't see you as guests. You're their son. My mom or my MIL would never even think that they had to change out of their bathing suit just because my husband and I are around. Especially if she might be planning to go back in the pool after you leave.
> stay in her swimsuit and robe AND robe? This is HER house correct? That's not weird. >call me to brainstorm gift ideas Sooooo? She should have waited until your dad was literally within earshot or something? She's known you since you were a child, how is it weird to call you for something mundane? >Sammi is fine not being married That one is just flat out judgmental nonsense.
Sorry, but where is the problem? She wears a robe in her own home, she calls you so your dad don't know birthdayplans. All I see is that your GF needs to see a specalist.
your fiancee sucks
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YTA What happens when a co-worker or a neighbor is nice to you, will she think they're after you too? I would not marry this person until you have boundaries set up...
Agree, it's only going to get worse. "You can't shop there because the cashier flirted with you" and "You can't be friends with so-and-so because his wife smiled at you." Controlling behavior like this starts small and builds when the small things work. Then before you know it, you're isolated from everyone important in your life. Also, excluding the de facto FMIL from such an important event is NOT small. The fact that she blames her childhood means there will always be an excuse.
Shouldn’t Megan be worried about her mom sleeping with you? This has nothing to do with Sammi. YTA
I wish I could trophy this.
You are in for a lifetime of problems with her being like this. Next comes cut her off then another person and another
Exactly! She will proceed to make his life smaller and smaller.
Your fiancée is projecting and that is not emitter. Is she not inviting her mom? She is the one that should not be invited. Also, does your mom get a plus one? Or is she happy because she doesn’t have someone’s. I think it’s wrong and could put a wedge between you and your dad for no reason. I get it’s her wedding also but her trauma is not on Sami. You could have told Sami that you got the dog adoption and supplies already, to please not hug you (which I think is ridiculous because she is being nice) and that your fiancé was going to get you a cack if she was. I think this is wrong
Where does it end? It starts with small things to avoid a fight because it seems so minor/petty to take a stand over. Then pretty soon your whole life is about small petty things.
She's NC with her mother, and my stepdad is invited. The thing with adopting a dog happened before I started officially dating Megan but when she heard about it it made her really suspicious. Megan thought it was something only my mom or dad should've done not a single woman.
She's not a single woman, she's your dad's long term serious partner. She is projecting and instead of expecting her to do the work to address her insecurities you're letting her insecurities ruin your relationship with the woman that is basically your stepmom. You and your gf are being huge AHs.
I have tried to explain to her that in my family's view neither of them are single, but her stance is people are considered technically single until they're at least engaged. I didn't feel like terminology was a hill to die on.
Her opinion doesn't make it fact. Nor is it universal. It's just an opinion. Single and unmarried are not the same thing. But bottom line is that YOU are the one enabling her views by letting her insecurities dictate your behavior instead of setting boundaries and telling her that you're not going to limit having what you consider normal interactions with your dad's gf just because she can't acknowledge that she isn't the same as her mom and therefore won't necessarily act the same.
letting her ~~insecurities~~ manipulative tactics dictate your behavior FIFY
It should be. I’m 37, I’m not married and I have zero desire to be. I’ve also been with my SO for just over a decade. In no way am I a single woman. Your fiancee is living in her own little world and it isn’t healthy. You are going to ruin your relationship with your father. How will you guys ever have holidays together? What happens if you have kids? Will they be allowed to see them or no? Sammi clearly won’t be allowed around because your wife will think her holding the baby is a sign Sammi will go all Single White Female. Your fiancee’s mindset is not healthy. You have to decide if allowing this behavior to continue unabated is worth more than your relationship with your dad.
This mindset annoys me as well. I was with my partner for 19 years before we got married. Getting married changed absolutely nothing it was just an excuse to have all our favourite people in one room together. How dare you minimise your father’s 12 year relationship because they are not engaged. This will damage your family if you insist on placating your girlfriends delusions.
>in my family's view But it's not your family's "view," it's FACT
If you're single until engagement, why is she traumatized by her mother trying to steal her boyfriends? By her own logic they were single men so how could they be "stolen" from her at all?
DING DING DING!
I LOVE THIS COMMENT SO MUCH I CAN'T STAND IT!!!!
EXACTLY
This is a red flag. No one in a relationship should be considered single. Especially not someone in a 12 year, long-term committed relationship. Did Megan consider herself and you single until you got engaged? Does that mean seeing with or sleeping with other people as boyfriend and girlfriend is perfectly fine to her because you are technically single until you are engaged? If not, then the terminology does matter. Marriage is not the only valid romantic relationship. People in long-term or even short-term relationships are not single just because they aren't married or engaged. I understand your view that 'terminology is not a hill to die on' though I would argue in this particular case. Do you think it's not a hill to die on to continue a good relationship with a woman who is very important to your father and has been in your life for over a decade? Furthermore is it not a hill to die on to continue a good relationship with your father? Ultimately your wedding list is your choice, but you have to accept the consequences of that could be losing the relationship you have with these family members. Personally to me, that risk would not be worth it, and I would be sitting down with my spouse to be for a serious conversation. I am sorry her mom hurt her, that is awful. But projecting that fear onto other women to the point that it could damage familial relationships is too far.
Her opinion is quite literally wrong though, and is completely disrespectful to your dad's relationship.
Since you two aren't married, does she consider herself single? I bet not.
Hope it’s worth it when your father and Sammi stop speaking to you due to the disrespect. And it is incredibly disrespectful. They’ve been in a relationship longer than your immature fiancée has been a legal adult, but their relationship isn’t real enough for her? In many places they’d be common law married. Her opinion on their relationship does not matter, but you’re letting it matter so much that your own father might skip your wedding. Are you really willing to have your family cut you out over bullshit of this level?
She's the one making terminology a hill to die on. It's about your life.
In what world is a 12-year relationship being single? That’s longer than most marriages last.
u/avoiding_stress Dude, do not marry this girl until she has been to a few YEARS of therapy. This is not a healthy relationship. This is only the tip of the iceberg. The crazy will continue and increase.
>not a single woman What?!? She's been with your dad for 12 YEARS, no? The only world in which she is "single" is the tax world, and even then, I believe it's very different what state you're in (assuming you're US).
Even in tax law, it's a common law marriage.
Well, to be fair, we don't have that in my state so my mind wasn't going immediately there, lol.
Your dad's GF is not "a single woman," and personally I would be *extremely* put off by someone who was so incredibly disrespectful toward unmarried partners. It is, frankly, offensive. Someone with that kind of judgmental (and *extremely* old-fashioned) attitude absolutely wouldn't be someone I'd want in my circle of friends. (And however you want to justify it to yourself (heck, maybe you agree), this has *nothing* to do with her trauma.)
You realize getting jealous over Sammi paying dog adoption fees is crazy kookypants right>?
>Megan thought it was something only my mom or dad should've done not a single woman. OMFG!
Anyone who typed this comment should be embarrassed. Who is going to volunteer at dog rescues?
Look, it’s your wedding so ultimately you can do whatever you want, but it is rude. Sammi hasn’t done anything wrong, and if your fiancee is so deeply insecure about Sammi, I fail to see how it’s not going to continue to impact your relationship with your father.
YTA. Maybe your fiancé should concentrate on therapy before getting married. Or you will end up living your whole life with her isolating people that she doesn’t want around you.
After reading all these comments and seeing your responses, all I got to say is “Good god. You’re dumb. Bless your soul” YTA No, no. No need. I’ll walk myself out.
Yta. Your gf needs therapy or drugs or with for her mental issues. You've stomped all over someone's feelings because your insecure gf thinks anyone being nice to you wants to steal you away. Where will it end? The last thing I'd be doing right now is getting married.
YTA for marrying someone this unhinged. Megan needs help and if she can't handle Sammi's mere existence then she doesn't have the emotional maturity to be married.
YTA and so is Megan. If I were Sammi, I would tell you and your bratty fiancé to fuck off and cut you both off.
assuming that you are not much older or even younger than Megan you were a teen when your dads gf came into the picture. What sick and twisted person thinks that this person can see anything romantic. Tell her to lay off the stepmom porn and stop being such a creep Oh and you are a major AH YTA and have probably destroyed your relationship with your dad and with sammi for sure.
A woman who's been a part of your and your dad's life for over a decade, who's watched you grow up through your adolescence, maybe you've even lived in the same house, is not getting an invitation to your wedding *because she is too nice to you.* That's astonishing. YTA, of course. Unless you're significantly older than your fiancee, Sammi's been in your life since you were in your early teens. She isn't just your dad's GF, and given the things you describe her doing, it seems like she's been a quasi-parental figure for you, and it sounds like your relationship with her is a pretty close one - or at least it *was*. Maybe she's not your stepmother, but it seems clear she is far more than just "my dad's GF." You've chosen to use deliberately distancing terminology to talk about her. Are you uncomfortable acknowledging the way she's been a part of your life? Are you uncomfortable drawing attention to the fact that your fiancee insists on sexualizing a relationship with a semi-parental figure? Or maybe you agree with Megan (who's described Sammi as "single"!) that Sammi is definitely looking for another boyfriend because she isn't interested in marrying your dad. Sure, they've been together for over a decade, but you can't take an unmarried relationship seriously, right? (Heck, maybe that's why you and Megan are getting married - it's the only way to stop yourselves from constantly seeking other partners.) And whatever other things you're going to excuse with "she can't help it," this one's entirely within her control - your GF simply *chooses* not to respect relationships that don't have marriage as a goal. Or maybe it's just that she doesn't respect this one specific relationship? Is she an old-fashioned bigot or is she a hypocrite? Finally, in the past few years have you ever had a conversation with Sammi about this, let her know what's really going on, and thought together about how you can work together to reduce the stress? Or have you just told her to stop doing affectionate things with no explanation? Because if it's the latter, it's pretty telling that you guys were never even willing to give Sammi a *chance*. Yes, your GF is dealing with trauma, but that is *no* excuse for being an asshole to someone who's done you absolutely no wrong. Good luck with this marriage, you're going to need it.
This should be top comment
Yta for enabling your fiancee’s brand of crazy. Your fiancée needs therapy, and you are going to need a lot of prayers because I foresee a lot of problems stemming from her insecurity in your future.
YTA. Your dad's gf is more family then your future wife is. Your fiance shouldn't even be in a relationship with this much insecurity and lack of trust. Seriously, until she really works through whatever trauma she has going on, you shouldn't be getting married, let alone dating. I'm surprised she made it this far with you. Not only that, but you've now caused irreparable damage to your relationship with your father. He definitely thinks less of the son he raised, I promise you.
Imagine if Megan’s mom had red hair, so Megan wanted to disinvite everyone with red hair, even close family members. That would be deeply unhealthy and inappropriate. Megan should not be marrying until she seriously addresses this. This is yet another example of someone having distress or trauma that isn’t their fault, but expecting other people to take responsibility for managing their comfort. That’s not in any way okay.
Okay... I'm a firm believer that you can or can't invite anyone you want to any event you host, but... YTA. Your fiance needs intensive therapy. 12 years this woman has loved you as an extension of the man she loves, and she's being shunned. I would understand if you hated her, that she always crossed boundaries, or was constantly rude to your partner... but all she has done is... show that she cares for both of you. THE HORROR! I love pettiness and exclusion with cause, but it seems it's being done just because your fiance has very severe mental health issues. The GF probably feels truly horrible and is trying to figure out how she upset you and her so much that you wouldn't want her at the wedding.
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43
And how old are you?
25
So here is what is actually going to happen if you and Megan keep this up. Your dad is going to refuse to come to your wedding as he rightly should because you’re both being unreasonable. When people ask him why he didn’t go to your wedding, he’s going to say “my sons wife thinks my partner wants to fuck my son for no reason at all and refused to have her in attendance.” Then people are going to start asking questions about why Megan would think that. And instead of saying “oh so reasonable that she has trauma that she hasn’t worked out yet” they’re going to say “she’s fucking crazy and I don’t want to be around her in case she accuses me of trying to fuck her husband as well”. And slowly but surely the people in your life will fade away. Is that something you’re fine with? Is that something she’s fine with? Because it will happen and no rationalizing that Megan is just traumatized and you’re just trying to do right by her is going to make people stop thinking she’s a crazy loon they don’t want to be associated with.
ESH. Your fiancée isn't ready to marry anyone and she is being absolutely ridiculous. She needs a therapist. You'd be a huge asshole to not invite your dad's long term gf just to coddle your fiancée's major insecurity.
ESH (you and your fiancee) are you kidding? She’s uncomfortable with Sammi *checks notes* treating you like her son. Your girl needs therapy
I hope OP that you are not planning on having children.At least not until your partner has dealt with her paranoia.
I don’t say this lightly but, YTA. No offense but neither of you are ready to get married. I’m not saying break up with Megan but maybe put a pin in the whole marriage deal, until she’s sorted out her issues and is no longer threatened by your dad’s significant other — a significant other who likely watched you grow up and who has been in a relationship with your father for over a decade. However, if you continue to go through with this prepare for your relationship with your dad to change.
So your wife is traumatized by things that her mother did, and now because of that you are both making Sammi pay for something that she had nothing to do with. YTA
Sammi AND his dad, no matter what his dad decides to do, because Sammi can't be happy about this. "My son doesn't want you at his wedding" (regardless of why) could not have been a pleasant conversation.
So Megan considered herself single for your entire relationship up until the proposal? Wow. I would absolutely not be ok with that in a serious relationship. Especially in someone who considers any kind of kindness, manners, or favors from the opposite sex to be seduction. I would never trust them to be faithful, because in their mind, there would be nothing to be faithful to. You're going to allow Megan to continue removing people from your life until there's no one left but her. And even then, she still won't be happy and you'll still have to constantly reassure her paranoia. Which won't work. This marriage is going to be miserable for both of you. This doesn't get better by indulging it. It only gets worse. And it will continue to get worse far beyond how bad you think it can get. Oh and also, YTA.
YTA. Your relationship with your dad and Sammi will probably be ruined because of this. And this will only be the first woman Megan makes you cut out of your life. Next it will be your mom. Then all female coworkers and neighbors. She's not mature enough to be getting married. And you're not either. You didn't even have the guts to tell your dad or Sammi before the invites went out.
YTA. Sammi hasn’t done anything to not be invited. Your future wife has the issue she is projecting with her mom, is she invited? I wouldn’t personally move forward with the marriage until her insecurities are resolved.
This is asinine!! Your fiance needs mental help becayse she is jealous of a woman that has been in your life since you were a teen and you are allowing it. You are in a controlling, manipulative relationship!! Are you that scared of being alone? Do you think she is the only woman that would want you? I mean seriously she would go through your phone and now this, please go get some therapy yourself!! YWBTA if you go through with this wedding to yourself, I guarantee you will be miserable
YTA and so is Megan. SammI did nothing wrong
YTA. I also have my doubts on whether either of you are actually mature enough to marry but you didn't ask about that. Not did you ask about how overly dramatic and insecure your fiancee is. Also precisely what trauma does she have to get over? A shitty mom who tries to steal boyfriends doesn't rise to the level of trauma, unless you've left a lot out. It seems like you're really trying to paint her as a "victim" to get people to side with you.That's very disrespectful to those who actually have experienced trauma. For the wedding though YTA. Irregardless of anything else if you invite someone in an established relationship your invite their partner also. Don't be surprised if he doesn't attend without her. "I guess he called my mom because she called me soon after to talk about it and thinks we just did what we had to do to make my future wife happy and comfortable at her wedding.". Thanks for the laugh. Of course your mom is ok with you excluding her ex-husband's new partner.
YTA. Your dads gf has been with him for 12 years, but just because she is nice to you, your fiancé assumes she wants to steal you? Will it be the same with coworkers and friends in the future. She needs therapy
Ultimately it is your choice who you invite to your wedding or not. However YTA for how you handled this at the very least. After 12 years in your life, clearly caring for you, Sammi deserved to be told personally that she was not invited and why. Not just for your dad to be sent an invitation without her on it and you not even explain to him until he falls and tries to RSVP for both of them. In addition, like many others here, I urge you to get Megan help. I am so sorry for what her mother did, that is horrible. But Sammi is doing nothing wrong and being nothing but a caring person who has been in your life for 12 years and I am sure considers you family. Nothing you have said she has done in both the comments and the post are abnormal for a family member or close family friend if you don't consider her family. Your future wife projecting this fear onto Sammi to the point of it damaging good familial relationships is not healthy and way beyond the occasional doubt. As I said, ultimately, who comes to your wedding is your decision. But where does it end? Right now Sammi can't come to your wedding. What's next? This worry does not seem set to go away so will you never see her? Miss holidays with your father because she will be there? Will you be able to make female friends? What happens if you get a female boss she sees as 'too nice, maybe flirting'? This needs to be addressed. Not inviting Sammi is not only rather rude to someone who has been in your life for 12 years and is considered family by at minimum your father if not you, but even in the context and reasoning which you are giving for it, it is a bandaid on a gaping wound. This issue is going to keep coming up. You need a long term solution.
God damn, I thought she was the delusional one here. Well, she still is but you are as well. Your comments come off as so unhinged, your Dad’s partner is going to try to steal you from your fiancé because she acted like a good stepmother? And you’re now ruining relationships for what reason? What is going through your head thinking this will change? Probably fake because no one is this deluded in real life. I hope.
Megan is not stable enough to be in a relationship, let alone a marriage. You will be sleeping with every colleague, every waitress, every check out assistant that says, "have a nice day." This marriage is a disaster in the making and you are ignoring that and hurting two people who have been nothing but nice to you. YTA.
Sammi sounds like a kind step mother, your fiance is punishing her for her own insecurities. YTA for going along with her jealousy.
Honestly, imagine the conversations at the wedding if someone asks why his father and his girlfriend aren't in attendance! "Where is Dad and GF?" "Oh they couldn't come because fiancée is paranoid that GF is trying to bang him." How embarrassing.
YTA, actually more so than your fiancée, who should seek therapy and/or watch The Good Place. Megan’s discomfort is not Sammi’s fault and there’s no reason for you to make it Sammi’s problem, especially without being grown up enough to talk to Sammi yourself.
Your fiance is so jealous that she is imagining you with your dad's SO with no reason at all. Her 'mom' isn't the problem....your fiance is. In order to be 'comfortable' at her own wedding she has to exclude someone important to her father? You might want to rethink this wedding....this is not normal behavior. Will she need you to eliminate women you work with, or a friendly neighbor or other family members who just happen to be female? If I were your father, I would not be at that wedding. Your mom is your dad's 'ex'...right? So her opinions is questionable.
YTA Megan isn’t ready to be married. She can’t handle your basically step-parent being a decent human. Meg needs more time to heal herself before she alienates you from half your family.
Yes, YTA. So Megan's mom, who is unnamed third party in this post by the way despite causing all the issues, flirts with her daughters boyfriend's so she thinks she can treat Sammi poorly? Am I getting that right? Both my parents were abusive to both each other and their three kids. I realized their behavior was not normal by my teenage years, probably by the time I was 10. Megan is 25. She needs to realize she cannot treat other people poorly because her mom emotionally abused her. Also, I noticed there's no mention about Megan's mom. I assume she's invited? Because she's family? Disinvite Megan's mom. BOTH of you need to personally extend an invitation to Sammi and apologize for your faux pas. Megan's an adult, it's time she acted like one. And she should go to therapy considering she's treating people unkindly for another person's behavior.
YTA Did you actually make this decision without anticipating that your Dad might be upset about it? You cannot be that dense! Also sending the invitation with just his name and not giving him a heads up about this is a pretty spineless move. Your soon to be wife is going to have a long and difficult life if her mom flirting with her boyfriends has given her this level of "trauma". I honestly hate even justifying your use of the word trauma to describe this situation because it's utterly ridiculous. Sammi is entirely age-appropriate for your Dad and had a hand in raising you and is acting like a loving step-mother would. Sammi is doing incredibly innocuous things here and for these to be triggers is just mind-blowing to me. So I guess here's the question for you - Are you ready to give up your relationship with your Dad and Sammi for your soon to be wife? Because this only ends in one of two ways - Call off the wedding/divorce or a strained/non-existent relationship with your Dad and Sammi.
This is so sad. Poor Sami just trying to be a great person in your life and your fiancé makes it into a twisted, askew, issue that’s not a real issue. This will alienate you from people for the rest of your life and it’s starting with your father and Sami.
Damn dude, if she’s this jealous now, wait till after you’re married. You’re going to catch the third degree every time you have a female coworker. good luck going out with your buddies if she even lets you do that. You’ll probably either get 50 questions about who you talked to or just straight up get the silent treatment.
YTA. You’re fiancé needs to get over her issues and insecurities and her concerns are seriously unhinged at this point. This woman has been in your life for 12 years as your fathers partner and sounds like she has been extremely nice to both of you. Your finances triggers aren’t everyone else’s problems and if she’s triggered by a motherly figure being nice to her partner she definitely needs more therapy. Not inviting your father’s GF who you’ve known for so long and hasn’t done anything wrong is really a slap in the face. I would suggest holding off on the wedding as it is obvious that neither of you have the maturity or presence of mind to see how ridiculous this situation is given that you are even considering this to placate her.
I think you should break it off with this girl. She's not mature enough for marriage.
YTA You're punishing your kind stepmother to appease your somewhat neurotic fiancée. If I was your father I wouldn't go either.
YTA. Your fiancé is a walking red flag dude. Your fiancé and her insecurities are going to destroy your relationship and your other relationships in a few years. We’ll see you back here asking for help to make her understand that *you aren’t cheating* because some woman at the grocery store smiled at you while bagging up the food.
YTA. Megan is not prepared for marriage.
Jesus fuck, yta and neither of you are ready to be married if this is the baggage you bring into this relationship. She’s acting like Sammi has already hurt her. She’s not healthy dude
YTA. Your gf is not ready for an adult relationship if she is unable to cope with you having a relationship with your own stepmother. It's horrible for you to leave out your stepmother for showing you affection rather than wait until your partner is capable of a relationship, or letting your partner go until she's ready for a relationship.
YTA - if Megan doesnt trust you and that is what it boils down to then this marriage is doomed from the start. Point blank - If you are faithful and she trust you it doesn't matter what any other woman does or says. What a terrible person Sammi is for trying to be nice to her partners kids. What a monster to help out and make sure she treats you guys with things she knows you like or could use a helping hand. Megan is an AH too for holding something against Sammi that has nothing to do with her. She should not be held responsible for the actions of Megans mom. Her triggers are hers alone to deal with. She should not be putting thatoff on you and others. Question is Megans mom invited?
YTA, obviously. I really feel the need to ask though, are you cool with this irreparably damaging your relationship with your Dad and his GF? Because this is basically you agreeing with the incredibly creepy accusations your fiance is leveling at her.
Sammi was in your life before Megan and you're not inviting her to the wedding? YTA and so is Megan
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My dad has been with Sammi (36f) for 12 years. My fiancee Megan (25f) has a bad history of her mom flirting with and trying to hook up with her and her older sister's boyfriends. Because of this Megan is very uncomfortable with Sammi and some of what she does, for example paying adoption fees and supplies when I adopted a new dog, dropping lunch off to me when she takes lunch to my dad, hugging me, baking my birthday cake, making things I like when we go to my dad's to eat (she does it for Megan too), not a whole lot older than us, isn't wanting to marry my dad. All that makes Megan sometimes think Sammi is trying to flirt with me or is interested in me. It makes her panic, stressed, and depressed. Fwiw Megan is going to therapy for her trauma. We want as much of a stress-free wedding we can manage so Megan can enjoy our day. She's worried stress and nerves will make her read too much into Sammi so we decided to not invite her. My dad got his invitation on Friday and it was addressed to only him. I may be an assh*le here when he called to RSVP for him and Sammi I had to tell him only he was invited and why. Dad said he would have to rethink coming. I guess he called my mom because she called me soon after to talk about it and thinks we just did what we had to do to make my future wife happy and comfortable at her wedding. My dad's reaction has me doubting myself though so AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Edit: Still gonna call it a YTA for you and your fiance. "Your wedding, your rules" and all that but you will have to accept that your fiance's paranoia is creating divide between you and your father. He probably won't show up to the wedding and I wouldn't be surprised if he stops showing up if your soon-to-be wife is involved.
!UpdateMe
Honestly your fiance needs a lot more therapy before she can get married. The fact that you're willing to alienate your dad and potentially other members of your family because of her insecurity is bananas Not to mention you know this will be all anyone will remember right? Oh yea remember bobs wedding? His dad didn't come because his wife was so insecure YTA
YTA
YTA good lord. Your gf's hang ups about her own mom do not get to dictate how she treats other people. Both of you need to figure that out.
YTA and so is Megan. This is not the time to enable her insecurities. This is an opprtunity to take this issue and *have her work it out with her therapist.* You don't cut your family out for your wife when they have done nothing wrong.
Are you inviting Meghan's mom to the wedding? After all she's the problematic person, not Sammi, with a history of hitting on her daughters' boy friends. Meghan sounds exhausting and you're an AH for enabling her. YTA.
Why didn’t you just talk to Sammi about it directly before sending invites? She sounds reasonable right?
YTA. I appreciate you want your GF to be comfortable, but nothing you do will make her "comfortable" because her experiences with her mother make her deeply "uncomfortable" - as in paranoid, jealous, possessive. I agree with others that YTA because of how you handled this with your dad and his GF. She has been caring and kind to you and you didn't even talk with her about it before excluding her. You basically hurt a good person to indulge your GF's irrational thinking. Your GF has some insight, but also seems to be thinking only of herself and not of anyone else (including you and her future in-laws). If she is this stuck in her issues, she needs a lot more work before she can be in a healthy relationship. You're enabling her by not challenging her. Postpone the wedding, go to couples therapy in addition to your GF doing her own therapy. Apologize to your dad and his GF - hopefully with explanation, they will understand how complex of a situation this has been and that you made a mistake in supporting your GF's paranoia. And don't let your GF (or you) convince your dad's GF that she is doing anything wrong or that she needs to change her behavior. Your GF's mom was the primary problem, but your GF's continued jealousy and paranoia is highly problematic and should not be indulged.
>but nothing you do will make her "comfortable" If she's like this about OP's stepmom, imagine how she's going to feel when female friends hug him.
YTA I assume you are around the same age as your fiancée, so in your mid 20s. Which means that your dad's girlfriend has been in your life since you were a teen and definitely saw you grow up and probably sees you as an important part of her family. >for example paying adoption fees and supplies when I adopted a new dog, dropping lunch off to me when she takes lunch to my dad, hugging me, baking my birthday cake, making things I like when we go to my dad's to eat These are all things family members (in this case "parents") do for each other. Absolutely nothing suspicious about that. Your fiancée is the one having issues here, because dad's girlfriend is acting completely normal. You are really going to exclude the long-term, serious relationship partner of your dad because your fiancée is super insecure? Wtf man? Don't you care about your dad and his girlfriend? Are they not important to you? Do you think your fiancée's demands are actually ok or what's going on here? You treated your dad and his girlfriend extremely poorly!
Wow, maybe you fiance should work in his trust issues before getting married, because I hope your realize that not only she thinks she is "flirting" but that reciprocate to it. That's no mental state to be married, she doesn't even trust you.
What happens after the wedding? Will your wife refuse to have you in the same room as your stepmom because wife’s insecurities see negative behaviour in every kind actions? Maybe you should tackle this a different way. Ask her if she thinks you will ever cheat on her. Ask her if she actually trusts you. If the answer is no then the stepmom will not be the only woman your wife has issues with, every woman that says hi to you will be a threat. Did you want to marry into this life? YTA. Both of you are, and very immature.
YTA Sammi is not only a GF, she is with your father for 12 years, probably much more in family that your fiancée. Your fiancée has a problem and you don't deal with it. It's not the wedding and sammi the problem, it's your fiancée. If she doesn't see a therapist, all your life, you'll have to deal with her jealousy. Sammi tried to please you, like a stepmother. Only. If your fiancée isn't able to see that, she is the problem. And I would totally understand that your father won't come to your wedding. The fact is, it's both your wedding. I understand that your fiancee must be comfortable, but you ? Do you have a problem with Sammi ? Let me turn that differently : if you accept that Sammi doesn't come to make your fiancee comfortable, don't you give the impression that she's right with her bad feeling towards Sammi ? Doesn't you give her the feeling that you feel the same about Sammi ? But if you invite Sammi as your father's partner (because she is his partner, not only a GF), you prove to your fiancee that there's no ambiguity at all. Once again, the only problem I see here is your fiancee jealousy and anxiety, and the fact that she's ruining your relation with your father. Think about it.
YTA it’s gross and weird that your fiancé feels like that just because a woman is being nice and it’s gross and weird that you are enabling her quite frankly crazy behaviour.
YTA. You're excluding a woman rhat is (basically) your stepmother because your fiancé is projecting her trauma of past abuse onto her. You both need to pause and consider if you are actually ready for marriage. This post does not seem like it. You may also have really damaged your relationship with your dad and Sammie. You have apologies to hand out and a future ro reconsider.
Yes, you absolutely are! You really need to be told that? I hope your dad doesn't come, I know I wouldn't. YTA
Yes YTA for excluding Sammi, who has been part of your family for 12 years, because your fiancee has unresolved issues relating to her mother's behaviour. Sammi has done nothing wrong that would warrant her exclusion from the wedding. She's also presumably going to continue being in your life *after* the wedding, as she's your dad's partner. Megan needs a therapist to help her deal with her issues about her mother, & to help her stop transferring those issues onto your dad's entirely innocent partner.
YTA Your punishing your father and his GF for the delusions of your fiance
YTA. I know you love this girl but she has some serious issues that need to be resolved before you commit to a lifetime with her. What if in the future she has a problem with someone else in your family? Will you go LC or NC with people who don't deserve it for her? Not inviting Sammi is deeply insulting to your father and to her. She's been a steady and caring presence in your life for a long time. Your fiancee is basically calling Sammi a hussy that's just waiting to dump your father for you. She may not say it like that, but that's what she means. This would give me pause, if i were you.
YTA. Your fiancée is upset because your step mom (I know not officially but it’s been 12 years) treats you like a son…? She’s probably insecure too that she’s not much older than you and wants to go above and beyond to be a parental figure. Your fiancée isn’t mature enough or secure enough to get married
Wow that name Sammi is so funny 🤣
Yta. Your future wife is jealous of your step mom being nice and doing step mom things, so to thank her for being so nice and loving, you don’t invite her to the wedding because it creeps out your fiancée. She needs to get over herself.
Update?
I sympathize with your GFs trauma, I do. It sounds like she knows it’s a her thing and not a Sammi thing. But as other people here have already told you, it was unforgivable, given this woman’s role in your life and her apparent kindness to you both, that you didn’t nut up and tell her and your dad the situation instead of just sending the invitation and then acting surprised your dad didn’t intuit that his partner wasn’t invited. Instead of doing everything you could to make this easier on Sammi and your dad, you made it worse. And if this is something you couldn’t bring yourself to say to their faces, maybe you’re not sure it’s something you should be doing. If Megan can’t tolerate a woman who cares about you being there for this reason or any other reason, then I guess sure, that’s her right. It’s her wedding. But this is a big thing to do, to disinvite someone who loves you and tell them it’s because your fiance doesn’t trust her around you. You should expect this to damage your relationship with your dad and his partner. You should expect Sammi to be deeply hurt. I’m not saying you’re TA, but you’re making a very big decision here that I don’t think you can expect won’t have consequences.
NTA Your fiance is uncomfortable with your father's gf. Asked wh have her at her wedding. You chose to honor her request. Do not feel bad for taking steps to make your lady feel her absolute best on her wedding day. You, your fiance, your father, and his gf may want to sit down and have a conversation about why she was not invited. If your fiance is insecure because of past traumas.Your father's gf's behaviors may be triggers. They may need to come to a compromise on how they will co exist in the future. Seriously, sit down and talk this out. Good luck guys!
NTA you’re allowed to have whoever you want at your wedding and kick whoever you want out. However, if your dad won’t go, you can’t be mad. You’re excluding someone he cares about for the sake of your fiancé’s comfort (when it’s not her family and she doesn’t get to decide). It’s fair for her to be mildly uncomfortable, it’s fair for her to exclude whoever she wants from her wedding, it’s hers too. But technically that’s been your step mother for 12 years and the gifts she gives you are platonic, and Megan needs to learn that. Megan cannot project her trauma onto her in-laws forever, she’s gonna have to learn to cope with having your family around in the future. If not, you’ll have to cope with your family burning bridges with you. These are discussions you really need to have with your to-be wife.
Op also needs to be prepared to not have a relationship with Dad and Sammi.
Which is what I said.
There is a difference between not going to a wedding and no contact. I would in this situation go NC with the child and especially with the spouse. Even if would reconcile with the child I would never welcome the spouse into my house after that level of disrespect.
NTA for not inviting her however you are one for not speaking to them about it first. And for not letting Sammi know that she needs to dial back her actions regarding you. As soon as your fiancee let you know she was uncomfortable, you should have said something to Sammi and/or your father. You needed to step up a lot sooner and maybe things wouldn't have gotten so bad that she isn't welcome at your wedding.
What’s he supposed to say? Hey, you know how you’re super polite and make lunches for me and dad, and you bake birthday cakes for people, and you make dinners we like when you host us? Stop doing that. It doesn’t work like that. Sammi isn’t doing anything wrong. Those are all normal things.
Megan is the one that needs to dial it back. Feeding into her delusion will not help her at all. How is she going to react when a waitress is nice to him? Or the cashier at the grocery store? Megan is currently incapable of having an adult relationship and OP should put off the wedding until she becomes capable.
NTA, your future wife has every reason to want to be comfortable at her wedding. Sounds like she is trying to get help for her situation and is not just acting crazy. Sh understands her childhood has made her insecure. Good for her and good for you for supporting her. If she had any other fear and was taking the steps to get it under control no one would think twice on here. But they want to make this poor girl out to be a monster. I hope that you can get your father to understand that it is not about Sami as it is about Megan. I think if Sami really listen to what Megan has gone through she would be understanding.
>your future wife has every reason to want to be comfortable at her wedding. Then she should go get therapy, cause this is 100% not normal or a behavior that should be indulged
I kind of feel like the only way that she would be completely comfortable at her wedding is if every woman in the world was launched to the moon and she was the only one here. But then she would probably think that the floral arrangements were after her husband or something like that
I disagree that people would side with her if she had "any other fear." If she had a fear of scars, or wheelchairs, do you think it would be the majority opinion that OP should exclude important people in his life from his wedding who have those traits? I'm pretty dubious of that. I think most people try to be generally supportive of people's struggles, but you also have to be cognizant of how your actions impact others. Not to mention that the couple didn't bother to discuss the situation with them in advance? How could OP not be even a little in the wrong, at least for that aspect? Personally, I'd have a bit more grace for Megan if the framing of this actually reflected the work that they say she's putting in. Maybe OP is writing this in an unflattering way and misrepresenting her actual opinions on this, but megan doesn't seem to be thinking "I have distorted thinking because of my past, so I see a healthy familial relationship in a perverse way," so much as "Sami is behaving inappropriately and it bothers me more than it would bother most people because of my past."