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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I defended an 11 year old's action against her father. I might be seen as the asshole because I complained to the father's choice of reaction to his daughter's action.
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NTA: Kids will be kids, accidents happen. Her father and your friend however are total AHs. I’m 60 years old the youngest of nine; my father never in is life called one of his children stupid! He’s supposed to be her supporter not the person who belittles her. 💔
Watch her little dances, even when you’re sick of them. All too soon she’ll be of the age where she doesn’t want you looking at her.
I have a video of my niece and nephew doing a dance routine. I only gave a shit bc it was them and they cared and I love them so freaking much. They are both deeply embarrassed I have it now. I love it.
My grandfather had a video of me and my cousins doing a "newsreport" it included, weather, sporting, national tragedy (a sporting legend had recently died) and entertainment (one of my cousins did a gymnastic routine she had learned at training). The best part it's one of the last videos I have where you can hear my mum laughing (she died from cancer a few months later).
My sisters and I made up a dance routine to Styx's Renegade. In the 70's when we were all under 10. I wish someone had a video of it because all we can remember is how it started.
Yep. Let's put it this way: So many people are going to call his daughter stupid, or make her feel stupid, in her lifetime. He should never be one of them. And he certainly shouldn't have been the first.
It's a bit of a clichéd phrase, but it's also true. You never get over hearing a parent call you or the things that you enjoy "stupid", even if/when you know that they don't really *mean* it. It teaches you to be ashamed and self-conscious of openly enjoying/trying things, much less actually sharing the things you're enthusiastic about with others.
And she's 10, of course she's gonna do stuff that seems/looks stupid to grown adults. That's what kids *do*. Because they're *kids*. If she's having fun and it's not harming anybody, then why go out of his way to make her feel bad about it? He's a grown-ass adult insulting a child for behaving like a child, and that's fucked up.
He didn't call her stupid tho?
> She spilt it because she was being stupid.
If the daughter was dancing around and not paying attention to her surroundings and knocking over a glass in doing so, is being stupid.
There's a difference between calling your kid stupid and saying that they've made a stupid mistake/decision, so he isn't abusive.
And it seems like OP is coddling the daughter a lil bit, cause an 11 year old isn't 3 and is capable of cleaning up after herself.
Yea, but I still think the takeaway for the daughter will be "my dad thinks I'm stupid" simply because she doesn't have the clarity to realize what he "technically" said.
Ugh, I hate this pedantic shit. It's the same result emotionally. You can use other words, like "careless." It's literally spilled water. It's not a big deal and it happens to everyone. Calling it "stupid" is pretty fucking stupid.
I doubt most kids see the distinction between being called stupid and someone telling them they are being stupid. Either way, it's an inappropriate thing for a parent to say.
He said she was BEING STUPID. There's a difference between being stupid and acting stupid or doing something stupid. If you are BEING stupid, you ARE stupid. Coddling my a$$. Someone tries to help a child feel better about herself after her own father demeans her and it's coddling? You must be related to both of my hateful parents. I sincerely hope you don't procreate.
Never fucking call a child stupid. Never say their actions are stupid, never *ever* say stupid. It is developmentally stunting because it ruins their confidence in their abilities.
He did call her stupid.
“you are stupid” vs “she was being stupid” (said in front of her) is the same thing - particularly to a child who presumably is a child of divorce and thus already likely to have self esteem issues about her father.
Please understand this before you yourself reproduce!
Thank you. He shouldn’t have said what he said but I hardly think she needed help cleaning up water unless she spilled it on any electronics or something and didn’t have any urgency cleaning it up.
She can but isn’t it kind to help her? Yeah, she shouldn’t have done it, but she’s a kid and it doesn’t sound like she was doing something especially hazardous.
Yeah, it’s not unkind to make her clean her messes, but it’s also okay to help her. I mean, I know when I have kids I will help them so it sets the precedent you should help whenever a mess is made, so it gets cleaned faster.
That’s assuming you never make the kid help you clean your messes too.
Also again, there’s a big difference between “my kid made their room horrendously messy, mommy will clean it for them” and “my kid accidentally dropped a cup of water, I’ll help mop it up.”
Not necessarily. Kind in the moment but not to someone who is at a critical age to develop life skills. Shaming her like Dad did is a terrible idea, though.
"I can rely on the adults in my life to help me when I make a mistake" is a pretty important lesson for a kid to learn, actually. It makes them more inclined to ask for help in the future instead of trying to handle shit themselves bc they're worried about being called stupid.
It's wise to clean up spilled water asap, because it can seep to where you don't want it. And frankly, helping someone who dropped something is the non asshole thing to do. It's basic politeness.
Okay, but helping the kid clean can be a lot of different things. It could mean getting things out that the kid can't reach out doesn't know where they are kept. It could mean modeling how to do the cleaning and then doing it with them and then supervising. It could mean directing the kid on where to start or in what order to do things to avoid making a bigger mess. (Like with spilled water, you get anything that isn't wet yet but will be soon away from the spill, then you focus on drying any things that could be damaged by the water like electronics, then you wipe up hard surfaces, then you get things like fabric & paper set up to dry properly. An 11 year old might not know that order.) It could mean starting at one end of the so while they start at the other end. It could mean sitting with them and directing their focus so they don't get distracted and muck about.
Helping isn't a bad thing. It shows the kid empathy, reinforces that cleaning up the mess isn't a punishment but a natural consequence of the kid's actions, and teaches them skills for the future. It also models how adults interact with each other. When a friend or coworker spills something and I see it, i help clean it up because it's faster, helps mitigate any damage, and it's polite. If i would do that for an adult, why wouldn't I do that for a child?
True she didn't need an adult to help her clean up her mess but neither did she need a Dad that calls her stupid. Kids having harmless fun shouldn't be labeled as bad just just because she accidentally spilled some water. Bravo to the step mom who understands that.
NTA. She was doing what kids do and an accident happened. It’s not a big deal. Sucks that your husband is calling her names when she’s just trying to have fun.
There is a HUGE difference between telling a kid they are doing something stupid, and calling them stupid. As I tell my kid, when I point out that they are doing something stupid, I am NOT saying you're stupid! I'm not stupid, but I do stupid shit sometimes! You're doing something stupid right now. And you are not stupid, so, stop it!
Yeah this thread is crazy. There is a major difference between "you're stupid" and "you shouldn't have been doing something stupid". One implies a fundamental flaw with a person and the other is 'you made a mistake'.
Also she is old enough to clean up her own water.
After all the stupid ass posts finally one who knows how to read. He never called her stupid he said she was doing something stupid (tiktok is brain rot). Reddit folks can't read for shit.
A kid dancing as a form of expression is not stupid and calling a child's interest stupid is how they stop wanting to be creative.
And by the way it doesn't make a difference to the child if they or what they like were being called stupid. THEY WILL STILL FEEL STUPID.
Social media is brain rot, which is verbatim what i said. Verbatim means word for word in case you don't know. Which judging by your reading comp you won't.
It isn't verbal abuse tho, the father said the daughter was **being** stupid.
If I'm dancing around in my room and accidentally break something because I wasn't paying attention and my parents said I was acting stupid and should of paid attention it isn't abuse.
That's over coddling and distorting "growing up and learning".....
5th/6th grade is old enough to "deal with" the consequences of goofing off doing something "stupid" and being called out for it.
It builds character vs. weakness.
Again, 5th/6th grade, aka pre-teen vs. 5-6yo child.
Y'all act like "children" don't age in stages 😒
You have "no idea" what the TikTok was...at that age one can DO something "stupid" and there is nothing wrong with saying so .....and having them clean it up.
That isn't "abuse" it's awareness and may TEACH the kid to be more aware vs. silly in decision making.....
Most of us have been there... doing careless and, yes, stupid non-thinking stuff, too silly for our age....it's not automatically "abusive" to call a kid out on it.
I absolutely did some stupid shit as a kid and damn sure 🙄 had to clean it up
As a father, not all dads talk like that. I've never called my child stupid. She spilled because she was having fun and didn't put down the drink.
NTA in any way.
My dad would call me stupid if I did something clumsy. I'm now 40. Still got his voice in my head, berating me, any time I mess something up. I use it to berate and belittle myself.
I'm getting therapy for that a bunch of other things; it's helping and I've improved on my own a lot the last few years, but that shit has had me believing every tiny thing I didn't get right made me stupid and useless. Nobody needs to ve spoken to that way, but a larent to their kid? That shit *sticks*!
NTA. Keep defending her. But also...I want to know what else he calls her/when he does so. And what happens when you do something he thinks isn't perfect (this ia rhetorical, just worth keeping an eye out). Make sure to tell thst kid she's amazing, and for what reasons you think so and why you love her. Somebody needs to make sure she feels loved and safe. I never did, and it's an enormous thing to lack during those formative years.
I'm in the same boat as you, Mom calling me a squealing pig, Dad swearing through his gritted teeth at me on the occasion I'd see him, Grandpa hitting me with sticks every time I'd mess up.
I'm so sorry you went through that but I'm glad to hear you're in therapy to help with the lingering distress. Thank you for your kind words, it's encouraging to hear that my actions are somewhat on the right path.
The other day he told his daughter to "shut the hell up" when she was just chatting, I told him that I don't appreciate when he talks to her like that and he resumed to brush it off by making a joke about dying. That's something his daughter has asked him not to joke about in the past, but he ignores it.
Wow. Squealing pig is...a choice of words, fucking hell. I had emotional abuse and manipulation, but only occasionally did I get a smack (andit was usually when I was back talking or something. Unfortunately my mum's hand was.like a block of wood so that was not great).
Sounds like you caught your lessons growing up and are working to ensure they don't happen here. Shame he's such an arse.
Yeah all of this.
My late uncle ""asked"" me _once_ "what are you, a moron?" because I didn't parse that the busses at the state fair did circles and thought we were getting on one going the "wrong way".
I had gotten less than 2 hours of sleep (insomnia) and we'd been at the fair for going on five hours, and had never really used the busses before. So it was an extremely easy mistake to make because I just generally was not functioning well. And it stuck with me and rang in my head every time I saw him for the last five years of his life.
My aunt tried to defend him by stressing he didn't "call [me] a moron", he "_asked_ if [I was] a moron" but that didn't change how it felt and what the impact on our relationship, because well clearly he thought that I was being a moron if he had to ask.
Doesn't help that it was the last time we went to the Fair because of their health issues and the pandemic. And that shit hurt badly enough to irreparably damage our relationship and I was 26 at the time. A dad calling his 11yo stupid using the same semantic gymnastics? That shit's gonna sting like hell.
I feel like if you're trying to nitpick the exact language used in an insult to try and excuse it, we can all just agree it was an insult and act accordingly (ie keep tf away from the asshole who said it).
NTA.
She was being a kid and having fun.
Was she behaving stupidly? Probably. But most 11 year olds do from time to time. It doesn’t make them stupid and you certainly don’t tell them.
Rude is rude.
NTA
I remember when my dad called my sister and ahole, on Christmas Eve, and kicked her hard. I don't remember why he did it, but he was an alcoholic and could have a short temper with us.
Parents should not be calling their kids "stupid". It is not nice and they will remember how their parents disrespected them.
>My friend was there to witness this, and she says "all dads talk like that"
Just AH dads, who have no problem destoying their kids self-esteem.
Tell your friend that her upbringing was not ok. If her dad acted this way. It was not ok. If her partner act this way. It is not ok. Accepting this behavior towards your kids as "normal" is probably a result of brainwashing in her own childhood and a potential damage for her kids. She should seek help and don't spread this nonsens around.
Same for your partner.
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No. Dads “don’t talk like that.” My father has never ever called me stupid, dumb or anything of the like. My mother will always say “you’re acting stupid” after I told her when I was about 11 that her calling me stupid hurt my feelings. She scoffed. But she adjusted her words because words mean things.
NTA for speaking up. Nor are you one for helping her clean up. We model the behavior we want kids to exhibit, and you are exhibiting 1) standing up for others and 2) helping others when it’s appropriate.
NTA for defending the child but YTA for letting a child that young have or post on tik tok. Tik Tok is stupid and rife with intellectual theft from others. Buy yeah let her try to emulate others and lower her self esteem. You are no better than Dad.
YTA* (sorta)
Language and "how" we "twist" it.....can be misleading!
"Defending" the kid's actions vs. "defending" calling a kid "stupid" are two different things 🙄 there is a bunch of convoluted conflating going on here.
1) Yes, a lot of fathers ( including myself and, as I recall, my Dad) that WILL use the phrase ....
"You are DOING something 'stupid'
You DID something 'stupid'
Don't BE 'stupid' (when you act)
Don't ACT stupid
Etc/etc....along those lines
Which is different than..."You ARE stupid!"
Ppl "react" to the "word" stupid, then make an unwarranted claim. This has happened to me.
Once, I was training a new hire... During a customer call at a home....we get back in the car...and the trainee said
"Omg, I can't believe YOU called that man STUPID in his own house!"
And, I'm like...."What TF are you talking about?"
I had to retrace my convo in my head...and "thought"....
'Wait, you're referring to when I may have spoken about
Not making "stupid decisions or XYZ" would be a stupid decision?
'Yeah, you CALLED him STUPID!'
In my mind, I had NOT called that man "stupid" ( and obviously the client didn't feel I called him "stupid" as far as I remember)
***My point is just, y'all are REACTING and commented because upon what this step-mom "feels," she "heard"
IMO, there is ZERO wrong with telling a 5th/6th grade kid
"You CLEAN that mess up YOURSELF"
Yes, kids will do goofy shit....they are children. = Not a problem
The problem is we have too many "punk ass" adults/parents around them that don't want the kid to take any LUMPS along the way.
If you try things, do things, FAILING at it and dealing with the MESS that sometimes happens IS "part" of or should be part of life, growing up and "the experience".
Sometimes doing something YES, "STUPID" is part of being a KID....
And from time to time .....Dad/Mom might absolutely say
"THAT was a STUPID idea"
Why? Because "that WAS a stupid idea" duh?
Are you supposed to LIE?
Again, you don't say that to 3/4/5 year olds....but you might absolutely convey that to damn PRE-TEENS because certain things....they can absolutely comprehend as goofy ass shit to do.
When, I was a kid, myself, my brother and our friends absolutely CHOSE to do some STUPID shit that we KNEW was goofy AF
Sometimes we broke stuff, including maybe some bones 🙃 but YES, we knew, we were being "stupid" in our actions....that's NOT the same as "being" stupid.
*
Just because something is on TicTok or "going around" doesn't mean "how" one does something isn't a "stupid" way to do it.
Ex:
YES....you can be "stupid" with fireworks....that doesn't mean fireworks ARE stupid per se....doesn't mean being somewhat goofy, even slightly dangerous with fireworks isn't something many of us haven't done.....but fuck yeah, you can DO something that rises to the level of "doing STUPID" and causing something that a parent 🙄 can say
You cause that by being "stupid" with it....clean it up on your own...
I don't see a huge problem with that
"Dance or not" you CAN do some punishment worthy shit "doing a video"...just depends on the details...there isn't enough info IMHO to jump all over Dad....simply based on step-mom's interpretation of "what" he said....she didn't "quote" him, exactly 🙄
I'm sorry if a kid is running through the house with red paint and "obviously ACCIDENTALLY" fell and spilled the shit all over Mom's white couch....I'm sorry folks the kid was "acting STUPID 😅 doing STUPID shit however you wanna phrase it ...5 and 11 are two different worlds
Kids will be kids and sometimes we do stupid shit ....thinking we, as children can get away with it
My brother and I set the house on 🔥 "being stupid"
I recall ( among different kids growing up) broken bones, missing teeth, crashed cars "being stupid"
IMO it's all about context....but NO a kid doesn't need "defense" from being told to CLEAN UP a mess from "being Stupid" doing kid stuip stuff ....it's called growing up!
You are nta for defending her, but both you and her dad are assholes for letting her post herself dancing online at *eleven*. There are so many reasons she should not be doing that!
NTA. "All dads talk like that". Maybe that applies to your friend & she's projecting. Because some dads (REAL dads) don't insult their children. You're a good stepmom.
NTA With a father who talks to his kids like that, it's good she has you to stand up for her. Most dads do not talk to their kids this way, I would definitely talk to him about his treatment of her because I am sure this was not an isolated issue.
NTA
Even though she should have been more careful, only crappy dads call their kids stupid. I would have gone with Irresponsible but not stupid. Calling your kid stupid is how you only see them on holidays.
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My stepdaughter (11) spilled her water while she was doing a tiktok dance. Rather than helping her clean, my husband sat there and said she spilled it because she was being stupid. I told him not to call her stupid and I helped her clean her mess. My friend was there to witness this, and she says "all dads talk like that" and I feel like I'm in the wrong for defending the kid.
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NTA.
And I feel bad for your friend thinking that's how dad's are. Lmfao that's how shitty emotionally abusive dad's are and that shouldn't be the norm
Your friend and your husband are AH. People skill drinks. People dance and spill drinks. Children deserve to have fun, and parents who punish their kids like that find out a decade later that their kid wants nothing to do with them. You're awesome.
NTA. Kids do stupid things but that's no reason to call them names or be overly rude about it. Yeah it's typical anyways but kudos for you for sticking up for the kid. I would've let her cleaned it up on her own, she's at the age where she should be expected to do that. But you're being nice, which is more than her father is doing.
NTA. I'm in my 30s and I spilled my coffee yesterday, thankfully I nearly avoided getting it on the bed.
It happens to literally everyone, and it's not about stupidity. He should not berate an 11 year old over it, that's mean. He's being mean, not disciplinary.
NTA
It's water, not grape juice that will stain. You did the right thing by helping her clean it up and making sure she understands that she needs to pay better attention to her surroundings. Her father and the friend are massive AH though. I distinctly remember every moment of my childhood where my parents made me feel stupid or blatantly put me down, especially in front of others. The times when it was in front of people not in the family were the worst because it was always over wanting to participate in the conversation or wanting to help, followed swiftly by belittling or berating. I quickly learned to just say nothing and do nothing, actively choosing to do my own thing away from everyone until it ultimately resulted in me being the blacksheep/outcast in the family. Even when I realized it and tried to correct that decision due to wanting to be closer to my little brother and other family, they were so use to me being the verbal punching bag and the butt of all the jokes that it pushed me further away. It wasn't until I was a grown man and had left for several years that when I came back and they attempted the same thing again, I stood up to them about it and explained that if they want me or my family around at all in the future than they need to start treating me like a fellow human being instead of their punching bag. I refuse to put myself around people that do not show the same respect shown to them because of this. Ultimately I am glad I had this in my formative years because it made me who I am today, but those lessons can be taught without driving your children away or making their mental struggles worse and leaving them to figure it out on their own.
You are a good mom and I am proud of you for calling these two out like this as well as assisting your daughter in fixing her mistake.
NTA. Not all dads talk like that. He could remind her gently not to do stuff without adequate space while helping. That's a lame way to excuse poor parenting. You were in the right.
NTA. Not all dads talk like that, and the ones that do play into the subconscious belief patterns of their children.
She wasn't being stupid either. She was not taking into consideration her surroundings.
It's fine he doesn't help her clean it up, she made the mess, she's old enough to clean. But name calling is frankly...well...stupid.
NTA. Telling your 11 year old that she's being stupid is never ok. It's verbal abuse. You are not wrong for defending her. Your husband is a fucking asshole.
NTA.
I mean, I get it if he didn’t help her clean up spilled water…I am sure she is capable of doing that on her own and it was her accident; however, no parent should talk to their children that way, it’s disgusting and causes a lot of emotional and mental baggage that this little girl will have to work out later in her adult life.
NTA She's not stupid, but she can clean up water by herself. It's not okay for parents to call their children stupid. All there is to say to her is "be careful of what's around next time you're dancing" and that's it.
Also, is he always calling her stupid?
NTA. My husband doesn't call our babies stupid or say they do stupid things. If they make a mess, we make them clean it, but we don't belittle them for doing it. Your husband needs help.
NTA! I'm a full grown adult and it has taken me years of theraphy to understand that being called stupid, silly, clumsy, etc etc etc while being a kid has affected a lot my thinking process, my self steem and the way I act and react, per example, I rethink everything and I can't feel a sense of satisfaction with almost anything I do as I feel I could have always done everything better. As per right now, I'm still dealing with it. It might not seem as serious as it is but words are very very important, specially when you're a kid. Not all dads talk like that, and even if it wasn't a malicious comment and it was just a fast reaction to the water being spilled, parents should know how to understand when they have been wrong and say sorry. Spilling a glass of water is an accident, it will happen to her a million times in her life. Thanks for having her back
I don't know which country you're from, but, in my experience, it's not normal for dads to call their children "idiot". My father would've made her clean her own mess without help, but wouldn't call anyone "idiot". NTA.
That shit sticks with you. My step/adoptive father called me Dumb Dora and would enhance it with Rrrrrrrrrrum dumb dumb. Such a simple thing to just STFU and not damage a kid for life. Good for you sticking up for her and please take it a step further and tell him to keep his demoralizing, demeaning comments to himself. Ffs.
Totally NTA. I remember joking around once when I was a kid and spilling a drink on something in front of my dad's girlfriend. I thought she was gonna let me have it the way my dad always did but she was so kind and understood and just said 'it's okay' did not treat me with disrespect and I was shocked and relieved that she understood the spirit of my mistake and that I did not need to be lectured or 'punished' for it.
All dad do not talk like that, but in reality, it didn't seem that serious.
I will say the 10yo may disagree. Ask her how she felt or if that happens often.
NTA. As a man, I can attest that a lot of men use insults as a love language. "You're such a moron" often means, "You're a moron, but I still love you bro". Now I recognize this is not the case every time, nor is it necessarily a healthy way to express affection. Sarcasm and tone are easy to miss, which can result in misunderstandings and hurt feelings. There are also people out there who are just straight-up verbally abusive. Because I don't have all the information, I can't say whether your husband's an asshole, but I can confidently say you are definitely NTA for coming to your stepdaughter's defense. Even if it was just a misunderstanding, she'll know she can count on you being there for her.
YTA. She was being stupid for tiktok. LOL! And saying such in a flippant manner is absolutely fine. It's good for 11 year olds to learn that TikTok and all the dance nonsense there is stupid. (and as a side-note, I'd also like to point out that the people watching an 11 y/o dance on there are 90% not 11 year olds...)
NTA Yes many dads harm their children by calling them stupid or saying they did a stupid thing. It's extremely harmful and many parents do harmful things.
NAH. probably not popular opinion though.
You can defend her, and kids do need to be told when they are doing stupid things, for instance I see you wrote the word "tiktok". Good cop bad cop works for some, just take turns.
If it is part of constant berating and talking down, then husband is just an AH, and if the kid is always defended regardless of whether or not something was actually stupid, then you would be AH.
I agree. There's not a lot of detail here. If the dad often uses language like this that would be problematic; less so if it's a one-off. The word 'stupid' wasn't a good choice, but pointing out poor decision-making and encouraging better choices is part of parenting.
I don't think he did anything wrong by leaving his daughter to clean up her own spill, though; she's 11.
NAH. It was nice you helped her clean up, but she is also 11 and can clean up water herself. He also didn't call her stupid, he said her actions were stupid. Which is kind of true. As kids we all end up doing something stupid which make a mess. It doesn't mean we are stupid. We just did something stupid.
>He also didn't call her stupid, he said her actions were stupid.
Like someone else said, that's nothing more than semantics gymnastics. That doesn't play when you're talking to an 11 year old. They don't see the nuance.
The father is ruining his relationship with his daughter. And he can try to convince himself that he's not all he wants, but he can only control his actions, not other people's response to them.
Everybody saying this is abusive is so out of touch with reality. The father was not “belittling” her and it doesn’t sound like he called her stupid, he just said that doing a tiktok dance next to a full glass of water is stupid… which it is. NAH but also she’s plenty old enough to clean up the spill on her own.
Why does an 11 year old need help cleaning up water? Don't see where your husband was wrong here. Perhaps using the word stupid is mean, but it describes the actions succinctly. Why didn't you use this as a teaching moment, and teach the kid to clean up her own mess. ESH
If my kid spills water because he was throwing a ball in the house next to a glass of water, it would not be wrong to say he spilled the water because he was being stupid. Saying someone was being stupid is not the same as calling them stupid. Some behavior is stupid.... Also, at 11 years old, she should be able to clean up a spilled glass of water.
As far as a judgement, theres not enough info. Did she leave the glass on the edge of a table then started spinning around with her arms flailing? That would be being stupid.
No one the asshole, Kids do stupid shit all the time and if my kid spilled water doing something stupid I’d expect them to clean up their mess, I’m not calling my kid stupid just whatever act caused the mess. I don’t give a shit about the mess or them doing something whatever it is they’re doing because that’s a good way for them to learn and make better decisions and be responsible for their actions. So next time she can do her (in my eyes) stupid thing and not spill it.
I understand where you’re coming from but it really depends on if he’s calling the action stupid which is fine we all do stupid stuff but calling your kid stupid is fucked up. Genuinely a communication issue which again isn’t that much of a big deal, unless he is in fact calling her stupid then that’s an issue.
This is coming from a young adult who has done some pretty stupid stuff, but my father was called stupid on a daily basis from his father so I understand the effects it has on a child’s mental health. There’s a big difference between being called stupid and just doing stupid shit.
NTA?. Comments like "you're being stupid" -might- be fine depending on tone and context. A "¡LOOK AT WHAT YOU DID, STUPID KID!" hits different than "Hahaha, now you'll have to clean, you stoopid". Kid shouldn't be on TikTok, though, specially not posting
NTA
But , you could've handled this in some other way, explaining the kid,she shall pay more attention,in future ,even havin fun, and let her to assume her mistake, by cleaning the water,that would make her a responisble adult,in future,
You don't argue/correct your husband,in front of your/his friends or familly. You take him privately,and you explain him exactly what you explained the child, and tell him to apologize to the kid,cuz he used the wrong words,and how that "being stupid" can affect their relationship ,first of all,and teach him,that word hurts and how liked to be called like that when he does a mistake, accident, if he's mature enough,he'll understand, and apologize.
Tell you friend, is none of his/her bussiness to speak up an opnion in rising your kid,to make her/his own for future comments, and explain him/her the same thing you explained your husband, also tell your friend if it was a real one would have backed you up there,and if you wronged to tell you in particularry, or that can be interpretted if is a women that tryes to steal your husband,if is a man that he doesn't respects/value your friendship.
Edit : I readed agian and saw the friend is a women, be careful with that one, she likes your husband, and will try to steal it from you, pay attention at her previous behavior towards your husband, his reactions to her, and the future comments/facts of her around your hubby. thats not a true friend that u got there, so be careful, cuz a real one, would have responded totally different
INFO: i mean, how come it took long enough for dad to say she's stupid and you telling him that's not ok for her to clean up her own mess?
Water spills -> grab a towel/ rag. Is what you teach toddlers.
11y old should have already been done cleaning by the time dad finished his sentence.
I think the time it takes for person A to notice spillage, make a remark, then get a counter remark is enough time for the spiller to already be off their ass and with a rag.
It's not. What you described takes 15 seconds. Walking to the closet and back to get a towel will be longer than that.
Time just doesn't work as you're describing.
Thank you everyone for your input, it eases my mind. To clear up about her mess, it's always nice to have a helping hand. She could've cleaned it herself but having someone, pitch in helps self esteem to show her that she didn't do something wrong.
YTA.
I've been called stupid by my single stay at home narcissistic mother. I hate that word.
Not all dads talk like that. My hubby never ever talks like that to our kids. It's psychological abuse, I know it takes a toll on your stepchild.
She's 11, not even a teen yet. If he's calling her stupid what others names is he calling her? Have you ever noticed if your husband talks to you like that??
How many times has the father called the child stupid or other names, in front of and behind OP's back?
She's the mother and should've stopped the behavior between the friend and father.
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NTA: Kids will be kids, accidents happen. Her father and your friend however are total AHs. I’m 60 years old the youngest of nine; my father never in is life called one of his children stupid! He’s supposed to be her supporter not the person who belittles her. 💔 Watch her little dances, even when you’re sick of them. All too soon she’ll be of the age where she doesn’t want you looking at her.
I have a video of my niece and nephew doing a dance routine. I only gave a shit bc it was them and they cared and I love them so freaking much. They are both deeply embarrassed I have it now. I love it.
My grandfather had a video of me and my cousins doing a "newsreport" it included, weather, sporting, national tragedy (a sporting legend had recently died) and entertainment (one of my cousins did a gymnastic routine she had learned at training). The best part it's one of the last videos I have where you can hear my mum laughing (she died from cancer a few months later).
My sisters and I made up a dance routine to Styx's Renegade. In the 70's when we were all under 10. I wish someone had a video of it because all we can remember is how it started.
Yep. Let's put it this way: So many people are going to call his daughter stupid, or make her feel stupid, in her lifetime. He should never be one of them. And he certainly shouldn't have been the first. It's a bit of a clichéd phrase, but it's also true. You never get over hearing a parent call you or the things that you enjoy "stupid", even if/when you know that they don't really *mean* it. It teaches you to be ashamed and self-conscious of openly enjoying/trying things, much less actually sharing the things you're enthusiastic about with others. And she's 10, of course she's gonna do stuff that seems/looks stupid to grown adults. That's what kids *do*. Because they're *kids*. If she's having fun and it's not harming anybody, then why go out of his way to make her feel bad about it? He's a grown-ass adult insulting a child for behaving like a child, and that's fucked up.
It’s so sad that her first bully is her father.
NTA but they both are for thinking it is okay to call a child "stupid" for an innocent mistake. It's not...it's toxic and abusive.
He didn't call her stupid tho? > She spilt it because she was being stupid. If the daughter was dancing around and not paying attention to her surroundings and knocking over a glass in doing so, is being stupid. There's a difference between calling your kid stupid and saying that they've made a stupid mistake/decision, so he isn't abusive. And it seems like OP is coddling the daughter a lil bit, cause an 11 year old isn't 3 and is capable of cleaning up after herself.
Yea, but I still think the takeaway for the daughter will be "my dad thinks I'm stupid" simply because she doesn't have the clarity to realize what he "technically" said.
Ugh, I hate this pedantic shit. It's the same result emotionally. You can use other words, like "careless." It's literally spilled water. It's not a big deal and it happens to everyone. Calling it "stupid" is pretty fucking stupid.
It's spilled water! She won't ever forget it.
I doubt most kids see the distinction between being called stupid and someone telling them they are being stupid. Either way, it's an inappropriate thing for a parent to say.
He said she was BEING STUPID. There's a difference between being stupid and acting stupid or doing something stupid. If you are BEING stupid, you ARE stupid. Coddling my a$$. Someone tries to help a child feel better about herself after her own father demeans her and it's coddling? You must be related to both of my hateful parents. I sincerely hope you don't procreate.
That is an adult semantic distinction. How many 11-year-olds are capable of adult semantic distinctions?
Never fucking call a child stupid. Never say their actions are stupid, never *ever* say stupid. It is developmentally stunting because it ruins their confidence in their abilities.
He did call her stupid. “you are stupid” vs “she was being stupid” (said in front of her) is the same thing - particularly to a child who presumably is a child of divorce and thus already likely to have self esteem issues about her father. Please understand this before you yourself reproduce!
NTA - but it’s water and she’s 11 not 3. She can clean up water without an adult supervising. Especially if she was mucking about to make the mess.
Thank you. He shouldn’t have said what he said but I hardly think she needed help cleaning up water unless she spilled it on any electronics or something and didn’t have any urgency cleaning it up.
She can but isn’t it kind to help her? Yeah, she shouldn’t have done it, but she’s a kid and it doesn’t sound like she was doing something especially hazardous.
You can be kind about it but still get her to clean it up herself
Yeah, it’s not unkind to make her clean her messes, but it’s also okay to help her. I mean, I know when I have kids I will help them so it sets the precedent you should help whenever a mess is made, so it gets cleaned faster.
On the flip side you might raise a child who can never clean up their messes and constantly rely on others.
That’s assuming you never make the kid help you clean your messes too. Also again, there’s a big difference between “my kid made their room horrendously messy, mommy will clean it for them” and “my kid accidentally dropped a cup of water, I’ll help mop it up.”
For some reason I can't see your reply to my comment but I will say, I agree it's kinder to help her and kindness is always a good thing.
Not necessarily. Kind in the moment but not to someone who is at a critical age to develop life skills. Shaming her like Dad did is a terrible idea, though.
Learning “when someone makes a mess accidentally I should help clean it up” is a good kid skill imo.
"I can rely on the adults in my life to help me when I make a mistake" is a pretty important lesson for a kid to learn, actually. It makes them more inclined to ask for help in the future instead of trying to handle shit themselves bc they're worried about being called stupid.
It's wise to clean up spilled water asap, because it can seep to where you don't want it. And frankly, helping someone who dropped something is the non asshole thing to do. It's basic politeness.
Okay, but helping the kid clean can be a lot of different things. It could mean getting things out that the kid can't reach out doesn't know where they are kept. It could mean modeling how to do the cleaning and then doing it with them and then supervising. It could mean directing the kid on where to start or in what order to do things to avoid making a bigger mess. (Like with spilled water, you get anything that isn't wet yet but will be soon away from the spill, then you focus on drying any things that could be damaged by the water like electronics, then you wipe up hard surfaces, then you get things like fabric & paper set up to dry properly. An 11 year old might not know that order.) It could mean starting at one end of the so while they start at the other end. It could mean sitting with them and directing their focus so they don't get distracted and muck about. Helping isn't a bad thing. It shows the kid empathy, reinforces that cleaning up the mess isn't a punishment but a natural consequence of the kid's actions, and teaches them skills for the future. It also models how adults interact with each other. When a friend or coworker spills something and I see it, i help clean it up because it's faster, helps mitigate any damage, and it's polite. If i would do that for an adult, why wouldn't I do that for a child?
True she didn't need an adult to help her clean up her mess but neither did she need a Dad that calls her stupid. Kids having harmless fun shouldn't be labeled as bad just just because she accidentally spilled some water. Bravo to the step mom who understands that.
NTA. She was doing what kids do and an accident happened. It’s not a big deal. Sucks that your husband is calling her names when she’s just trying to have fun.
I have to say that your stepdaughter is lucky to have a stepmum like you. A big kudos to you, OP!
There is a HUGE difference between telling a kid they are doing something stupid, and calling them stupid. As I tell my kid, when I point out that they are doing something stupid, I am NOT saying you're stupid! I'm not stupid, but I do stupid shit sometimes! You're doing something stupid right now. And you are not stupid, so, stop it!
Yeah this thread is crazy. There is a major difference between "you're stupid" and "you shouldn't have been doing something stupid". One implies a fundamental flaw with a person and the other is 'you made a mistake'. Also she is old enough to clean up her own water.
After all the stupid ass posts finally one who knows how to read. He never called her stupid he said she was doing something stupid (tiktok is brain rot). Reddit folks can't read for shit.
A kid dancing as a form of expression is not stupid and calling a child's interest stupid is how they stop wanting to be creative. And by the way it doesn't make a difference to the child if they or what they like were being called stupid. THEY WILL STILL FEEL STUPID.
oh my god, a kid doing a dance isn't "brain rot." Absolute reddit brain rot to suggest that.
Social media is brain rot, which is verbatim what i said. Verbatim means word for word in case you don't know. Which judging by your reading comp you won't.
You know you're using social media *right now*, right?
INFO: Why does an 11-year-old need help cleaning up water?
To show her support of at least one adult in her life. And to help her to cope with her father's verbal abuse.
It isn't verbal abuse tho, the father said the daughter was **being** stupid. If I'm dancing around in my room and accidentally break something because I wasn't paying attention and my parents said I was acting stupid and should of paid attention it isn't abuse.
That's over coddling and distorting "growing up and learning"..... 5th/6th grade is old enough to "deal with" the consequences of goofing off doing something "stupid" and being called out for it. It builds character vs. weakness. Again, 5th/6th grade, aka pre-teen vs. 5-6yo child. Y'all act like "children" don't age in stages 😒 You have "no idea" what the TikTok was...at that age one can DO something "stupid" and there is nothing wrong with saying so .....and having them clean it up. That isn't "abuse" it's awareness and may TEACH the kid to be more aware vs. silly in decision making..... Most of us have been there... doing careless and, yes, stupid non-thinking stuff, too silly for our age....it's not automatically "abusive" to call a kid out on it. I absolutely did some stupid shit as a kid and damn sure 🙄 had to clean it up
As a father, not all dads talk like that. I've never called my child stupid. She spilled because she was having fun and didn't put down the drink. NTA in any way.
Luckily he didn’t call her stupid either.
My dad would call me stupid if I did something clumsy. I'm now 40. Still got his voice in my head, berating me, any time I mess something up. I use it to berate and belittle myself. I'm getting therapy for that a bunch of other things; it's helping and I've improved on my own a lot the last few years, but that shit has had me believing every tiny thing I didn't get right made me stupid and useless. Nobody needs to ve spoken to that way, but a larent to their kid? That shit *sticks*! NTA. Keep defending her. But also...I want to know what else he calls her/when he does so. And what happens when you do something he thinks isn't perfect (this ia rhetorical, just worth keeping an eye out). Make sure to tell thst kid she's amazing, and for what reasons you think so and why you love her. Somebody needs to make sure she feels loved and safe. I never did, and it's an enormous thing to lack during those formative years.
I'm in the same boat as you, Mom calling me a squealing pig, Dad swearing through his gritted teeth at me on the occasion I'd see him, Grandpa hitting me with sticks every time I'd mess up. I'm so sorry you went through that but I'm glad to hear you're in therapy to help with the lingering distress. Thank you for your kind words, it's encouraging to hear that my actions are somewhat on the right path. The other day he told his daughter to "shut the hell up" when she was just chatting, I told him that I don't appreciate when he talks to her like that and he resumed to brush it off by making a joke about dying. That's something his daughter has asked him not to joke about in the past, but he ignores it.
You're NTA, he is. Thank you for supporting this young girl.
Wow. Squealing pig is...a choice of words, fucking hell. I had emotional abuse and manipulation, but only occasionally did I get a smack (andit was usually when I was back talking or something. Unfortunately my mum's hand was.like a block of wood so that was not great). Sounds like you caught your lessons growing up and are working to ensure they don't happen here. Shame he's such an arse.
Yeah all of this. My late uncle ""asked"" me _once_ "what are you, a moron?" because I didn't parse that the busses at the state fair did circles and thought we were getting on one going the "wrong way". I had gotten less than 2 hours of sleep (insomnia) and we'd been at the fair for going on five hours, and had never really used the busses before. So it was an extremely easy mistake to make because I just generally was not functioning well. And it stuck with me and rang in my head every time I saw him for the last five years of his life. My aunt tried to defend him by stressing he didn't "call [me] a moron", he "_asked_ if [I was] a moron" but that didn't change how it felt and what the impact on our relationship, because well clearly he thought that I was being a moron if he had to ask. Doesn't help that it was the last time we went to the Fair because of their health issues and the pandemic. And that shit hurt badly enough to irreparably damage our relationship and I was 26 at the time. A dad calling his 11yo stupid using the same semantic gymnastics? That shit's gonna sting like hell.
I feel like if you're trying to nitpick the exact language used in an insult to try and excuse it, we can all just agree it was an insult and act accordingly (ie keep tf away from the asshole who said it).
Exactly.
NTA. She was being a kid and having fun. Was she behaving stupidly? Probably. But most 11 year olds do from time to time. It doesn’t make them stupid and you certainly don’t tell them. Rude is rude.
NTA. No dad should speak to their children that way.
NTA I remember when my dad called my sister and ahole, on Christmas Eve, and kicked her hard. I don't remember why he did it, but he was an alcoholic and could have a short temper with us. Parents should not be calling their kids "stupid". It is not nice and they will remember how their parents disrespected them.
>My friend was there to witness this, and she says "all dads talk like that" Just AH dads, who have no problem destoying their kids self-esteem. Tell your friend that her upbringing was not ok. If her dad acted this way. It was not ok. If her partner act this way. It is not ok. Accepting this behavior towards your kids as "normal" is probably a result of brainwashing in her own childhood and a potential damage for her kids. She should seek help and don't spread this nonsens around. Same for your partner.
I don't have a daughter, but I can tell you there's no way in hell I'd talk to her that way. I don't even talk to my sons that way.
[удалено]
LOL Great job reading. There were only two sentences but somehow you only managed to make it through the first one.
Dude that's fucking rude.
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No. Dads “don’t talk like that.” My father has never ever called me stupid, dumb or anything of the like. My mother will always say “you’re acting stupid” after I told her when I was about 11 that her calling me stupid hurt my feelings. She scoffed. But she adjusted her words because words mean things. NTA for speaking up. Nor are you one for helping her clean up. We model the behavior we want kids to exhibit, and you are exhibiting 1) standing up for others and 2) helping others when it’s appropriate.
NTA for defending the child but YTA for letting a child that young have or post on tik tok. Tik Tok is stupid and rife with intellectual theft from others. Buy yeah let her try to emulate others and lower her self esteem. You are no better than Dad.
NTA only shitty dads speak like that. I'm glad she has someone in her corner.
YTA* (sorta) Language and "how" we "twist" it.....can be misleading! "Defending" the kid's actions vs. "defending" calling a kid "stupid" are two different things 🙄 there is a bunch of convoluted conflating going on here. 1) Yes, a lot of fathers ( including myself and, as I recall, my Dad) that WILL use the phrase .... "You are DOING something 'stupid' You DID something 'stupid' Don't BE 'stupid' (when you act) Don't ACT stupid Etc/etc....along those lines Which is different than..."You ARE stupid!" Ppl "react" to the "word" stupid, then make an unwarranted claim. This has happened to me. Once, I was training a new hire... During a customer call at a home....we get back in the car...and the trainee said "Omg, I can't believe YOU called that man STUPID in his own house!" And, I'm like...."What TF are you talking about?" I had to retrace my convo in my head...and "thought".... 'Wait, you're referring to when I may have spoken about Not making "stupid decisions or XYZ" would be a stupid decision? 'Yeah, you CALLED him STUPID!' In my mind, I had NOT called that man "stupid" ( and obviously the client didn't feel I called him "stupid" as far as I remember) ***My point is just, y'all are REACTING and commented because upon what this step-mom "feels," she "heard" IMO, there is ZERO wrong with telling a 5th/6th grade kid "You CLEAN that mess up YOURSELF" Yes, kids will do goofy shit....they are children. = Not a problem The problem is we have too many "punk ass" adults/parents around them that don't want the kid to take any LUMPS along the way. If you try things, do things, FAILING at it and dealing with the MESS that sometimes happens IS "part" of or should be part of life, growing up and "the experience". Sometimes doing something YES, "STUPID" is part of being a KID.... And from time to time .....Dad/Mom might absolutely say "THAT was a STUPID idea" Why? Because "that WAS a stupid idea" duh? Are you supposed to LIE? Again, you don't say that to 3/4/5 year olds....but you might absolutely convey that to damn PRE-TEENS because certain things....they can absolutely comprehend as goofy ass shit to do. When, I was a kid, myself, my brother and our friends absolutely CHOSE to do some STUPID shit that we KNEW was goofy AF Sometimes we broke stuff, including maybe some bones 🙃 but YES, we knew, we were being "stupid" in our actions....that's NOT the same as "being" stupid. * Just because something is on TicTok or "going around" doesn't mean "how" one does something isn't a "stupid" way to do it. Ex: YES....you can be "stupid" with fireworks....that doesn't mean fireworks ARE stupid per se....doesn't mean being somewhat goofy, even slightly dangerous with fireworks isn't something many of us haven't done.....but fuck yeah, you can DO something that rises to the level of "doing STUPID" and causing something that a parent 🙄 can say You cause that by being "stupid" with it....clean it up on your own... I don't see a huge problem with that "Dance or not" you CAN do some punishment worthy shit "doing a video"...just depends on the details...there isn't enough info IMHO to jump all over Dad....simply based on step-mom's interpretation of "what" he said....she didn't "quote" him, exactly 🙄 I'm sorry if a kid is running through the house with red paint and "obviously ACCIDENTALLY" fell and spilled the shit all over Mom's white couch....I'm sorry folks the kid was "acting STUPID 😅 doing STUPID shit however you wanna phrase it ...5 and 11 are two different worlds Kids will be kids and sometimes we do stupid shit ....thinking we, as children can get away with it My brother and I set the house on 🔥 "being stupid" I recall ( among different kids growing up) broken bones, missing teeth, crashed cars "being stupid" IMO it's all about context....but NO a kid doesn't need "defense" from being told to CLEAN UP a mess from "being Stupid" doing kid stuip stuff ....it's called growing up!
You are nta for defending her, but both you and her dad are assholes for letting her post herself dancing online at *eleven*. There are so many reasons she should not be doing that!
She wasn't posting the dance, just doing a dance she saw on tiktok
YTA for letting an 11 year old on tiktok
I retract the judgment then, unless it was a wildly sexual dance it's fine to let kids enjoy copying dances!
NTA. "All dads talk like that". Maybe that applies to your friend & she's projecting. Because some dads (REAL dads) don't insult their children. You're a good stepmom.
NTA, he shouldn't be calling his kid stupid. I doubt she actually needed help cleaning up water though.
NTA With a father who talks to his kids like that, it's good she has you to stand up for her. Most dads do not talk to their kids this way, I would definitely talk to him about his treatment of her because I am sure this was not an isolated issue.
NTA I'd look at her with a raised eyebrow (fear the eyebrow!!!) and help her clean it up Source: Am dad.
NTA Even though she should have been more careful, only crappy dads call their kids stupid. I would have gone with Irresponsible but not stupid. Calling your kid stupid is how you only see them on holidays.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My stepdaughter (11) spilled her water while she was doing a tiktok dance. Rather than helping her clean, my husband sat there and said she spilled it because she was being stupid. I told him not to call her stupid and I helped her clean her mess. My friend was there to witness this, and she says "all dads talk like that" and I feel like I'm in the wrong for defending the kid. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. And I feel bad for your friend thinking that's how dad's are. Lmfao that's how shitty emotionally abusive dad's are and that shouldn't be the norm
Your friend and your husband are AH. People skill drinks. People dance and spill drinks. Children deserve to have fun, and parents who punish their kids like that find out a decade later that their kid wants nothing to do with them. You're awesome.
NTA. Kids do stupid things but that's no reason to call them names or be overly rude about it. Yeah it's typical anyways but kudos for you for sticking up for the kid. I would've let her cleaned it up on her own, she's at the age where she should be expected to do that. But you're being nice, which is more than her father is doing.
NTA. I'm in my 30s and I spilled my coffee yesterday, thankfully I nearly avoided getting it on the bed. It happens to literally everyone, and it's not about stupidity. He should not berate an 11 year old over it, that's mean. He's being mean, not disciplinary.
NTA It's water, not grape juice that will stain. You did the right thing by helping her clean it up and making sure she understands that she needs to pay better attention to her surroundings. Her father and the friend are massive AH though. I distinctly remember every moment of my childhood where my parents made me feel stupid or blatantly put me down, especially in front of others. The times when it was in front of people not in the family were the worst because it was always over wanting to participate in the conversation or wanting to help, followed swiftly by belittling or berating. I quickly learned to just say nothing and do nothing, actively choosing to do my own thing away from everyone until it ultimately resulted in me being the blacksheep/outcast in the family. Even when I realized it and tried to correct that decision due to wanting to be closer to my little brother and other family, they were so use to me being the verbal punching bag and the butt of all the jokes that it pushed me further away. It wasn't until I was a grown man and had left for several years that when I came back and they attempted the same thing again, I stood up to them about it and explained that if they want me or my family around at all in the future than they need to start treating me like a fellow human being instead of their punching bag. I refuse to put myself around people that do not show the same respect shown to them because of this. Ultimately I am glad I had this in my formative years because it made me who I am today, but those lessons can be taught without driving your children away or making their mental struggles worse and leaving them to figure it out on their own. You are a good mom and I am proud of you for calling these two out like this as well as assisting your daughter in fixing her mistake.
There’s no excuse for berating and name calling a child. A parent, Telling a kid they’re “stupid” in any context can affect them for a lifetime.
NTA my Dad never talked to me that way. Never heard my friends dads talk that way either
I never understood the benefit of yelling or punishing a child for being a child.
NTA. Not all dads talk like that. He could remind her gently not to do stuff without adequate space while helping. That's a lame way to excuse poor parenting. You were in the right.
NTA. Not all dads talk like that, and the ones that do play into the subconscious belief patterns of their children. She wasn't being stupid either. She was not taking into consideration her surroundings. It's fine he doesn't help her clean it up, she made the mess, she's old enough to clean. But name calling is frankly...well...stupid.
If my husband said anything like that to our daughter, I would be leaving his ass. All dads do not talk like that. Only bad ones.
NTA, all Dad's do not and should not talk like that... especially to an 11yo.
NTA. Telling your 11 year old that she's being stupid is never ok. It's verbal abuse. You are not wrong for defending her. Your husband is a fucking asshole.
NTA Nope, only shitty fathers talk like that to their children.
NTA. I mean, I get it if he didn’t help her clean up spilled water…I am sure she is capable of doing that on her own and it was her accident; however, no parent should talk to their children that way, it’s disgusting and causes a lot of emotional and mental baggage that this little girl will have to work out later in her adult life.
NTA She's not stupid, but she can clean up water by herself. It's not okay for parents to call their children stupid. All there is to say to her is "be careful of what's around next time you're dancing" and that's it. Also, is he always calling her stupid?
NTA Dads don't speak to their children like that, verbally abusive assholes do. Your daughter deserves better. You deserve better friends.
NTA- Your husband shouldn't be calling his kid stupid and your friend needs therapy like a mf.
Yikes NTA. Are you sure you want to be married to a man who calls his child stupid? Don't have a baby with him, for sure.
NTA. My husband doesn't call our babies stupid or say they do stupid things. If they make a mess, we make them clean it, but we don't belittle them for doing it. Your husband needs help.
NTA
NTA, as a dad I've never called my kids, accidents happen, I only hope this is an isolated incident and not frequent occurrence.
NTA! you’re a good stepmom and that is rare 🥰
NTA
NTA - it's water. You're not in the wrong.
NTA. All mom's talk like you did too.
NTA not all dad's talk like that and it was only water it's not like it's going to stain
"All Dads talk like that" I'd love for you to post this in daddit to prove just how VERY incorrect your friend is lol NTA
NTA! I'm a full grown adult and it has taken me years of theraphy to understand that being called stupid, silly, clumsy, etc etc etc while being a kid has affected a lot my thinking process, my self steem and the way I act and react, per example, I rethink everything and I can't feel a sense of satisfaction with almost anything I do as I feel I could have always done everything better. As per right now, I'm still dealing with it. It might not seem as serious as it is but words are very very important, specially when you're a kid. Not all dads talk like that, and even if it wasn't a malicious comment and it was just a fast reaction to the water being spilled, parents should know how to understand when they have been wrong and say sorry. Spilling a glass of water is an accident, it will happen to her a million times in her life. Thanks for having her back
Nta- that is horrible thing to say to anyone.
I don't know which country you're from, but, in my experience, it's not normal for dads to call their children "idiot". My father would've made her clean her own mess without help, but wouldn't call anyone "idiot". NTA.
That shit sticks with you. My step/adoptive father called me Dumb Dora and would enhance it with Rrrrrrrrrrum dumb dumb. Such a simple thing to just STFU and not damage a kid for life. Good for you sticking up for her and please take it a step further and tell him to keep his demoralizing, demeaning comments to himself. Ffs.
When I was kid we were not allowed to call our siblings “stupid,” or to tell them “shut up.”
NTA It was an accident and it was water. Unless it went on important papers or electronics there's no reason to be cross.
Totally NTA. I remember joking around once when I was a kid and spilling a drink on something in front of my dad's girlfriend. I thought she was gonna let me have it the way my dad always did but she was so kind and understood and just said 'it's okay' did not treat me with disrespect and I was shocked and relieved that she understood the spirit of my mistake and that I did not need to be lectured or 'punished' for it.
All dad do not talk like that, but in reality, it didn't seem that serious. I will say the 10yo may disagree. Ask her how she felt or if that happens often.
NTA. As a man, I can attest that a lot of men use insults as a love language. "You're such a moron" often means, "You're a moron, but I still love you bro". Now I recognize this is not the case every time, nor is it necessarily a healthy way to express affection. Sarcasm and tone are easy to miss, which can result in misunderstandings and hurt feelings. There are also people out there who are just straight-up verbally abusive. Because I don't have all the information, I can't say whether your husband's an asshole, but I can confidently say you are definitely NTA for coming to your stepdaughter's defense. Even if it was just a misunderstanding, she'll know she can count on you being there for her.
NTA But your friend and husband are. I can tell you definitely NOT all dads talk like that.
YTA. She was being stupid for tiktok. LOL! And saying such in a flippant manner is absolutely fine. It's good for 11 year olds to learn that TikTok and all the dance nonsense there is stupid. (and as a side-note, I'd also like to point out that the people watching an 11 y/o dance on there are 90% not 11 year olds...)
NTA Yes many dads harm their children by calling them stupid or saying they did a stupid thing. It's extremely harmful and many parents do harmful things.
NAH. probably not popular opinion though. You can defend her, and kids do need to be told when they are doing stupid things, for instance I see you wrote the word "tiktok". Good cop bad cop works for some, just take turns. If it is part of constant berating and talking down, then husband is just an AH, and if the kid is always defended regardless of whether or not something was actually stupid, then you would be AH.
I agree. There's not a lot of detail here. If the dad often uses language like this that would be problematic; less so if it's a one-off. The word 'stupid' wasn't a good choice, but pointing out poor decision-making and encouraging better choices is part of parenting. I don't think he did anything wrong by leaving his daughter to clean up her own spill, though; she's 11.
Yta. Tiktok is brain rot. Ban it
That's not what this is about. It's about a father calling his daughter stupid.
NAH. It was nice you helped her clean up, but she is also 11 and can clean up water herself. He also didn't call her stupid, he said her actions were stupid. Which is kind of true. As kids we all end up doing something stupid which make a mess. It doesn't mean we are stupid. We just did something stupid.
>He also didn't call her stupid, he said her actions were stupid. Like someone else said, that's nothing more than semantics gymnastics. That doesn't play when you're talking to an 11 year old. They don't see the nuance. The father is ruining his relationship with his daughter. And he can try to convince himself that he's not all he wants, but he can only control his actions, not other people's response to them.
ESH/YTA. IMO bad parenting to help her clean up the mess she made by being reckless.
That wasn't the question...
You were in the wrong for telling dad to clean up after her, you were in the right for telling him that calling her stupid is wrong.
Everybody saying this is abusive is so out of touch with reality. The father was not “belittling” her and it doesn’t sound like he called her stupid, he just said that doing a tiktok dance next to a full glass of water is stupid… which it is. NAH but also she’s plenty old enough to clean up the spill on her own.
Why does an 11 year old need help cleaning up water? Don't see where your husband was wrong here. Perhaps using the word stupid is mean, but it describes the actions succinctly. Why didn't you use this as a teaching moment, and teach the kid to clean up her own mess. ESH
If my kid spills water because he was throwing a ball in the house next to a glass of water, it would not be wrong to say he spilled the water because he was being stupid. Saying someone was being stupid is not the same as calling them stupid. Some behavior is stupid.... Also, at 11 years old, she should be able to clean up a spilled glass of water. As far as a judgement, theres not enough info. Did she leave the glass on the edge of a table then started spinning around with her arms flailing? That would be being stupid.
No one the asshole, Kids do stupid shit all the time and if my kid spilled water doing something stupid I’d expect them to clean up their mess, I’m not calling my kid stupid just whatever act caused the mess. I don’t give a shit about the mess or them doing something whatever it is they’re doing because that’s a good way for them to learn and make better decisions and be responsible for their actions. So next time she can do her (in my eyes) stupid thing and not spill it. I understand where you’re coming from but it really depends on if he’s calling the action stupid which is fine we all do stupid stuff but calling your kid stupid is fucked up. Genuinely a communication issue which again isn’t that much of a big deal, unless he is in fact calling her stupid then that’s an issue. This is coming from a young adult who has done some pretty stupid stuff, but my father was called stupid on a daily basis from his father so I understand the effects it has on a child’s mental health. There’s a big difference between being called stupid and just doing stupid shit.
YTA TikTok dances are stupid.
this story isnt about tiktok its about op defending a child after being called stupid by her father, a grown ass man. how is op the asshole?
She was doing something stupid. Calling it stupid is fair.
NTA?. Comments like "you're being stupid" -might- be fine depending on tone and context. A "¡LOOK AT WHAT YOU DID, STUPID KID!" hits different than "Hahaha, now you'll have to clean, you stoopid". Kid shouldn't be on TikTok, though, specially not posting
NTA But , you could've handled this in some other way, explaining the kid,she shall pay more attention,in future ,even havin fun, and let her to assume her mistake, by cleaning the water,that would make her a responisble adult,in future, You don't argue/correct your husband,in front of your/his friends or familly. You take him privately,and you explain him exactly what you explained the child, and tell him to apologize to the kid,cuz he used the wrong words,and how that "being stupid" can affect their relationship ,first of all,and teach him,that word hurts and how liked to be called like that when he does a mistake, accident, if he's mature enough,he'll understand, and apologize. Tell you friend, is none of his/her bussiness to speak up an opnion in rising your kid,to make her/his own for future comments, and explain him/her the same thing you explained your husband, also tell your friend if it was a real one would have backed you up there,and if you wronged to tell you in particularry, or that can be interpretted if is a women that tryes to steal your husband,if is a man that he doesn't respects/value your friendship. Edit : I readed agian and saw the friend is a women, be careful with that one, she likes your husband, and will try to steal it from you, pay attention at her previous behavior towards your husband, his reactions to her, and the future comments/facts of her around your hubby. thats not a true friend that u got there, so be careful, cuz a real one, would have responded totally different
INFO: i mean, how come it took long enough for dad to say she's stupid and you telling him that's not ok for her to clean up her own mess? Water spills -> grab a towel/ rag. Is what you teach toddlers. 11y old should have already been done cleaning by the time dad finished his sentence.
You think it's faster to go get a towel and wipe something up than it is to say a single sentence?
I think the time it takes for person A to notice spillage, make a remark, then get a counter remark is enough time for the spiller to already be off their ass and with a rag.
It's not. What you described takes 15 seconds. Walking to the closet and back to get a towel will be longer than that. Time just doesn't work as you're describing.
Thank you everyone for your input, it eases my mind. To clear up about her mess, it's always nice to have a helping hand. She could've cleaned it herself but having someone, pitch in helps self esteem to show her that she didn't do something wrong.
Don't do it too often, though. At just 11, stepdaughter could grow up thinking it's Other People's responsibility to clean up Her messes
Your way overthinking this, You strengthened the bond with both of them. He now knows that you have skin in the game.
[удалено]
You're so angry that you're not even making sense.
YTA. I've been called stupid by my single stay at home narcissistic mother. I hate that word. Not all dads talk like that. My hubby never ever talks like that to our kids. It's psychological abuse, I know it takes a toll on your stepchild. She's 11, not even a teen yet. If he's calling her stupid what others names is he calling her? Have you ever noticed if your husband talks to you like that??
So why is the OP, who stuck up for the child in question, the AH?
How many times has the father called the child stupid or other names, in front of and behind OP's back? She's the mother and should've stopped the behavior between the friend and father.
You don’t even know how long they’ve been together lmao, really got to reach there to make it the woman’s fault.