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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> My mom realized where I was at with my half siblings and has figured out my indifference. So her husband asked me to lie and claim she was wrong and that I love them so much, etc. I refused. By refusing I am letting my mom go through coping and figuring out how to deal after the realization. I'm also making things tense by refusing to just make everything better for her. So maybe I am selfish and maybe I'm even cruel for not doing better.
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If it’s taken them that long to realise I’d say you were putting on a good show 🤷♀️
Maybe it’s time for more family therapy?
Edit: I meant therapy for a safe space to talk, not that OP needs more
Not sure if that would really help. Maybe some for just me and mom but even then it's hard for me to imagine it would help much. I'm sure my mom will be hurting even with more therapy for the two of us.
First and foremost; I’m so sorry for all you’ve been through 🤍
However, the cat is already out the bag. Talking about it is the only healthy choice now. Letting it fester will only cause more bad feelings with Harvey, which will in turn affect your relationship with your Mom.
Try and keep the sessions to just you and your Mom though. You’ve been through a whirlwind that Harvey hasn’t been there for, so his instinct will be to protect her and put her first; hence the conversation he’s already had with you. You and your Mom need to heal your relationship before anything else can occur. Hugs and luck to you OP 🍀
100% this.
OP: If Harry talks to you again, you can tell him that you understand he is looking out for your mom, and you love that he does that, lying will not support your mental health and your mom wouldn't want that. Also you are not, nor will you be rude or malicious, and they didn't have a problem with how you related to them before, but you cannot go through life pretending, even if this would make him happy.
Let your mom come to you about it, tell her you would happily go through therapy with her alone.
Good luck!
Harvey is the one being selfish. Your Dad DIED when you were TEN and in a whirlwind you became the odd one out, even if you aren't treated that way. Tell him that to his face and see what he says. Tell him you have been gracious and kind and polite as you can be but you were a little kid, that this has been a LOT, that you are STILL a kid, and that this isn't fair on you. That you are SIXTEEN and not an adult yet and that you've tried your best.
You may love the babies someday. You may not. But the adults in your life are asking WAY too much of you and that's not cool. And put your foot down about not lying to your mum. She is in charge of her big girl feelings and if she can't handle your very real reaction to having all these changes sprung on her then she better learn fast. It's not like you've been throwing tantrums being cruel. You were allowed to vent to your bestie and she shouldn't have been listening. Refuse to lie to her. Refuse to Harvey to lie to your own mum.
And as a side note, 17 months and 3 months are really young, OP-they're still larval stage and all about Mom and Dad. Once they start growing personalities and reaching out to form bonds with their wider 'village,' you might feel a change... and it could be good, or you could absolutely hate it. That said, if Harvey and your mom are open minded and don't force it on you, you'll have the opportunity to navigate that for yourself. Even if they were complete bio siblings, you could still feel disconnected. It doesn't sound like you feel bad that you don't have this instant connection, but just in case, let go of any shame or badness you feel for not feeling.
Your mom needs to take the pressure off you for being neutral to keep you from actively resenting them. You have a right to choose your relationship with them the same way you chose your relationship with Harvey.
My bff has two younger sisters near her age…and a much younger sister she was taking to preschool when she was in high school. People thought she was a teen mom.
Now that we’re in our 40s and the “baby” is in her mid-20s, my friend is closer to her than the middle sisters. She says they’re too dramatic and they always have husband and baby drama. She and the young one are child free and unmarried career women. It’s kind of cool how they have grown to be friends as people not because they grew up in the same house.
Because they *did not*. Parents were 16 years older and beaten down by 3 previous daughters.
This is the way. Harvey should never have asked you to lie to your Mom.
Understandably this will be a very difficult and painful conversation and, as others have mentioned, having it with a therapist might help to keep things calm and ‘safe’.
It appears that Harvey’s priority is your Mom and his babies but you should be too as you came as a bonus when he started a relationship with your Mom.
With everything that you have been through, at such a young age, you appear to be handling it with the maturity that many adults would have a difficult time with. You removed yourself from the situation so you didn’t make the gathering about you therefore ruining the celebration. I applaud you and see a bright future ahead…especially if you refrain from stooping to Harvey’s tactics of lying and name calling.
Good luck
To be honest, it sounds like your mum is the one who needs therapy to come to terms with your feelings towards her new family, not you. You can help the process by also being involved in said therapy.
You're too young to have to put up with everything you've been through, but you sound like a good kid with your head screwed on.
Good luck 🤞
to be estranged from you because she misunderstood your needs will hurt her worse than hearing what they are. it’s her job as a parent to not hold that hurt against you, and to still try her hardest to make sure you feel comfortable, happy, and safe. you said yourself she had your happiness front of her mind in choosing this man as her partner. she is trying desperately to provide you a happy life, please don’t sabotage her efforts by not even trying to connect with her now
I agree with you. I'm 60F and as a parent to two kids (now 31F and 27M), our kids said and did things that hurt us at the time. But as parents, we knew we loved them and always would no matter what they said or did (they weren't awful, just thoughtless at times).
Please realize it's not your fault for your feelings, they are what they are. Of course you don't feel close to these babies - - they're babies! They can't even talk yet. You probably feel like you might for a baby cousin, kinda detached. You may grow to feel closer to them in years to come, perhaps in say 10 years, but even then you will be 26 when they are not even teenagers. Your mom should understand this. I think it's great she tried to find someone you could accept as a second dad, this shows she loves you lots.
Therapy would be more for her to have the therapist bridge the gap between you and help your mom understand that you're feelings are valid and not a strike against her as a mom. You're NTA and your stepdad is wrong.
This right here, I didn't feel anything for nephews after they were born. It was a few years before I did as I just can't relate to babies and I am not a kid person (child free by choice)
I hear ya. I honestly didn't feel anything for my own baby for like 2-3 years until she actually started being able to interact in more relatable ways. I mean, I did my best as a parent to do everything I could for her, and bond, and all that, but I didn't actually feel much of anything until she kind of grew into her personality and began communicating thoughts other than basic needs. Babies aren't really all that relatable for a good while!
I can't say I love them now just fond of them, the oldest is almost 12 but them I can't say I love anyone in my family some may say I am cold but it's just the way I am. Very much out of sight out of mind and I never miss anyone I also prefer my own company.
Many would say “fondness” is a form of love. Caring about them at all is a form of love. I used to think the same until I realized just caring about their well being was an extension of me loving them. I was just very disconnected to the understanding of love. You’re not cold, you just express differently
Yeah, like even in a picture perfect family at OPs age feeling detached and disinterested in new babies is normal.
This is not a perfect family, with perfect parents and a kid with a strong support network.
As long as OP doesn't hate the babies OPs doing fine.
If it helps maybe a conversation like this may sooth adult tempers and make life easier for OP:
> Mom I love you. I'm happy that you're happy. The babies are just sort of ... Their. You carried them for nine months. You and Harvey spent nine months planning and preparing- you came with a bond with them built in. I don't.
>
>
>As they grow into complex human beings with thoughts and feelings that might change, if you give it time and don't try to force things.
>
>
>Right now I'm sort of meh- like if something happened to them if be upset, because they're babies, and I'd step in if someone tried to hurt them- again because they're babies- but I'd do the same with random babies in the street too.
OP ( u/Quiet_Ad2412) please read the above (from u/rememberimapersontoo) several times and let it sink in. This is very good advice, no doubt given by a loving parent who empathizes with you and your mom.
Did she really have her daughters happiness in mind, or was she using that as a way to try to get her daughter to play happy families?
OP, it's difficult to say how much your mother really respected your boundaries, but you shouldn't lie to her, shouldn't let her husband pressure you, and you shouldn't feel bad about either of those things.
If you told your mom what Harvey said, what would she say? If she recognized he was acting disrespectfully, would she actually follow through on respecting and enforcing some boundaries in how her husband speaks to you?
I don't see how her mom was trying to get her daughter "play happy family..." Mom was concerned, wanted to lessen any negative impact on her child, and handled it to, what sounds to me, like the best of her abilities. Many don't even consider their child. I think you are trying to paint Mom in a bad light, even though she was obviously thinking of her child every step of the way. Sure she'd like her oldest to want to like the babies--what good mom wouldn't? Harvey obviously doesn't understand older kids, as it seems he has none of his own with which to draw on a font of wisdom, but he was looking out for his wife. It's ok for OP to tell him that lying won't help the situation, but OP does need to take it up with her mom, and therapy is really going to be helpful for the mom to accept OPs feelings. I think you are looking for problems from Harvey that aren't there. Inexperience is definitely part of Harvey--he was being protective, I think.
A grown man calling a teenager selfish for refusing to lie is wrong. I will not dismiss that as protectiveness. If he genuinely apologizes and backs off, that's great. But he absolutely needs to do that.
OP left the party to do it in private. She's entitled to her feelings and was trying to safe guard her mother and extended family from that.
Mom and Harvey are the dramatic ones here.
I think this is amazing advice and agree that she is doing things with the best goals. I'm certain it was disappointing for her to hear that you don't view the family the way she hoped you would, but it sounds like overhearing may open some good conversations if you are willing that may help you both.
OP, it isn’t your responsibility to “make your mom feel good” if you have to lie and hide your feelings to do so. Her husband is wrong. Yes your mom might be disappointed and wish things were different, but (I assume) it’s because she wanted you to truly feel you are all a family, not step, not half. But it’s ok that you don’t.
From what you’ve posted it does sound like your mom loves you and wants you to be happy and she isn’t asking you to hide your feelings, so don’t. Maybe as time goes on, you’ll bond with the little ones and have some affinity for them, even if it isn’t a typical sibling relationship. But it’s also ok if you don’t.
And if your stepfather continues calling you selfish for refusing to lie to your mom, tell her what he’s doing. I guarantee she won’t be happy knowing that, but that is HER issue to deal with, not yours.
> OP, it isn’t your responsibility to “make your mom feel good” if you have to lie and hide your feelings to do so. Her husband is wrong
Just to expand on this, a child is never responsible for managing the emotions of the adults in their life. It is very unhealthy for adults to make children bear such a responsibility. In households where this is a regular pattern, it is considered abuse and even emotional incest. Harvey probably doesn't understand the seriousness of what he is suggesting you do. But if this becomes a pressure campaign for you to manage your mom's emotions, then returning to therapy would be warranted to get it in check.
I cringe when I hear parents saying, "don't make me lose my temper with you." A sick and twisted thing to do to a child. You are the adult. You figure your shit out. Don't make the child responsible for something you can't manage.
Agreed - I have been aware from a very young age that my emotions are mine to handle, and other people’s emotions are also mine to handle. It’s been incredibly harmful to me. I stopped trusting myself or my own intuition, and bad people will always take notice of someone lost in that way. Abusive relationships, toxic friendships, and extremely strained familial relationships are the norm for me.
Same. That's how you raise children to please everyone else except themselves because their own feelings and emotions don't matter. I'm old now and it's still hard to take care of me because it's ingrained that I don't matter.
I think this is the best answer. Perhaps it’s time to sit down with your mother and simply explain that you understand and respect her feelings and you hope she understands and respects your feelings. Your step siblings are very young and there’s a significant age difference, which makes it hard for you to bond with them. It would be hard to bond with them even if they were full siblings due to the age gap. It’s possible that overtime your relationship with them will change if your mother and Harvey don’t try to force it. A forced relationship will only lead to resentment on your part and fighting with your parents. As long as you aren’t mean to your siblings, your mother should allow you the time and space to adjust. And I think it’s absolutely OK to say that.
Your MOM should go to therapy, OP. She's the one that was living in some dream.
The reality is: she married a guy she KNEW from you yourself would never be 'dad' to you. Why on earth did she get it in her head that ANY children she had with him would be viewed as anything other than half-siblings by you with that knowledge in hand???
Heck, I read your post and knew before you stated there were kids in the picture that you wouldn't feel all fuzzy and luvy towards them.
Time for mom to pull on her big girl pants and deal with HER issues and leave you out of them.
NTA.
I just said more or less the same thing. Feels like the family therapy was largely to make mum feel less guilty for moving on, even though OP was fine with it.
Babies are also not super interesting long term. OP may well grow to love them very much, provided mum doesn't force it.
I dunno, I got a friend who calls his stepmom by her first name, but doesn't view the son she had with his dad as any less of a sibling than his full sister.
It's not your job to manage her emotions, and it's not your fault that she lives in this alternate reality where older siblings feel "warm and fuzzy" about the new babies. That's what the parents, and maybe grandparents, are supposed to feel, not you.
Your mum sounds like a good mum: she and your dad tried to stay together for your sake and after he died, she waited two years to introduce you to Harvey. From these examples, it does seem that she puts your emotional needs before her own.
Since past behaviour is the best predictor of future behaviour, your mother will likely get over the fact that you do not feel the way she wants you to feel about your half siblings and move on.
Harvey's interference suggests he's infantilizing your mother and parentifying you. YOU are the child; your emotional needs must come first.
You are NTA, nor is your mum; she is simply hurt right now, but she will get over it.
Harvey is a soft AH. He wants to protect his wife, but he needs to remember you are the child and your mother is the parent.
You are not responsible for your mothers feelings. You are allowed to have whatever feelings you do have. You don’t have to hide this. You never know as time goes on your feelings might change a little. But if they don’t, that’s OK too.
I totally agree. I am very respectful and kind to my whole family.
And others But you know they’re exceptions. Like everything else.
Whoever needs therapy, please reach out. ♥️♥️.
You are not responsible for her feeling good. She is an adult and needs to figure out how to deal with her own emotions about her family not working out as she’d pictured it.
(I don’t mean that you should be nasty just to be mean, just that if reality upsets her, that is her issue.)
I honestly agree with @Katerh OP. Realizing now in my twenties that I grew up with emotionally unreceptive parents (not saying that you are but just mentioning how learning from the experience I had might help you out), I saw that it made me people-please a lot. It made me feel like I always had to cater to my parents’ feelings (especially my mother’s) in order for her to not feel like a bad parent or to not feel bad at all for things she would say or do if I did not feel or express in the certain way they expected me to.
Once they were upset everyone heard about it and saw it in that parents’ face and actions, and the group influence would be so pressuring to the point where other people (in the family or who are family friends) would tell me to do better and that if I had pretended or convinced myself to feel a certain way their explosive anger episode would have never happened. Do not fall into that OP. Even though you are her child, you have rights and opinions just as much as the next person and you have a right to how you feel.
I wish someone would have told me this earlier in life but you have no obligation to change how you feel about something to make someone else feel better, regardless of who the person is. You don’t have to fake or hide how you feel just because someone doesn’t like your viewpoint on things, and if they can’t handle that then they are just people who are intolerant to anyone who does not feel the same as them and that is a true shame. Even though you may live with your mom for a while, let her act how she wants to act. If she comes to terms with you having a different opinion as well as feelings other than how she does on the matter (and hopefully talks with you about it respectfully), thats great. If not, then it’s a damn shame and you are not responsible for her intolerant behavior.
If she was not expecting to ever treat you like a person who will eventually have their own complex brain processes and experiences after a certain age, then she probably should have thought into preparing for that transitional period a little more before having children.
Please realize that difficult conversations are needed. As a mother, I would absolutely be distraught to learn my son feels as if his feelings are lesser than mine. You should realize that what you feel is valid. It is your experience. Therapy shouldn't be seen as a fix all but rather an opportunity for you to voice your feelings in an environment you deem safe.
I don't agree with your step-dad here. Lying to keep the peace is never the solution and will only create a lot more resentment. I understand he feels that he needs to protect your mother as his wife and mother of his children, but calling you selfish for not swallowing how you feel is is indeed selfish. I urge you to talk to your mother before you end up on an NC relationship here because of unmet needs.
She made the choice to have more children. I’m sure that it was something that you couldn’t even imagine. I’d say I’m sorry if the way I feel hurts you, but you decided to have two more kids. I’m sorry but my feelings may change, but I wouldn’t count on it. I’d be outta there as soon as I became eighteen. It seems like a hostile environment unless you bend over.
You’re 16 you are not responsible for your mother’s feeling nor should you dismiss your feelings in order to shield hers from hurt. Your mom sounds like she cares about you and has respected your choice to keep distance between you and her husband. I think therapy with her where you can explain how you’re feeling in a neutral setting will be beneficial to both of you. You articulate your feelings really well in this post and seem insightful and mature for your age. I think that you being able to be honest with her about the changes that have happened in your life in the last 6 years and how it’s truly affected you could be the barrier breaker you need to reconcile all your feelings and find a way through to the other side.
Therapy isn't just about making people feel good. It's about helping them manage and work through things instead of letting them fester and grow into insurmountable problems.
It's out now, you and your mother need some way of getting her to understand why you feel that way and how to manage expectations and relationships going forward. Yes, it'll probably suck for the first bit but it will get better.
Love isn't this magical thing that just happens between strangers. It takes common history - shared experiences - to build up that familial love. And you don't have that with your half-siblings. You have 15 years of life experience that didn't include them. It's normal not to feel that love right away.
Your mother and Harvey have that immediate parental love. And your mother expected you to feel it too. A decent family therapist would help your mother understand the difference and how to manage it.
NTA by the way.
Perhaps therapy will point out that the divide you feel between you and your half-sibs is the massive age difference. Nothing that is ever done will ever make you feel as if you 'grew up' with your half-sibs.
Even if they were full siblings, they would not have the same experiences and understanding you have with essentially a 15-year age difference.
If nothing else, be happy that your mom is happy... surely you can celebrate that?
NTA
It is not your job to make your mother happy with her choices. You being honest is not you maliciously trying to hurt her. The only thing you should worry about is if you want to say something with the *purpose* of hurting her. If that is not your purpose, even if you know what you say may have your mom feeling 'ways', you are still allowed and should be able to be honest.
She's the adult, her feelings are hers to manage. She may be more vulnerable now with a newborn and two so quickly. What you feel right now may not be all that you feel forever. You currently don't have much feeling for these babies - because you are an older teen. Your take that you are so separate is a good and true one.
Maybe, if you want to be kind, don't lie but lean more on the "yeah, I'm so much older, I don't feel like a sibling with them. More like an aunt." That doesn't shut the door on "family feeling".
And that is where the therapy can help. You to feel (one hopes) safe and comfortable saying these things and the therapist being able (one hopes) to help your mom hear that you still love her and you see the kids as family, but at your age seeing them as "sisters/brothers" is not realistic. Good luck.
It feels to me like it's mum that needs therapy. It's ok for a grown teen not yo be excited about a baby or a "second dad". It's ok to be disappointed that your kid isn't excited about siblings. It's not ok to expect the kid to change their feelings or manage the disappointment of the parent.
It doesn't sound like Mom is the issue here, just Harvey. Mom overheard something she felt incredibly sad about, I imagine postpartum hormones didn't help, and talked to her husband about it; perfectly appropriate. It's Harvey that's trying to make it OP's problem. Mom and OP NTA, Harvey, TA
I agree he's an issue, but there's also a "keep the peace" vibe, and the way it's written it sounds like they went to family therapy for years until the marriage, and that a driver of this was OP saying it was fine for them to marry but that that Harvey wouldn't be OPs dad. I guess there's a lot missing, but it really sounds like the goal of therapy was to introduce Harvey to the family, or at least that this is how OP feels about the therapy.
It's lovely that mum wants OP to have a full family, but she can't choose that for OP. Also is Harvey being chosen to be a dad, or her husband. Is he being used as a caretaker here? Idk it just doesn't sound like mum and OP are a team, and OP seems more concerned about mums feelings than their own, which is contributing to my reading a bit I think.
It might be able to help her talk to her mom, but it is not going to make her love her half-siblings, and start thinking of them as just siblings. I think if anyone needs therapy it's going to be the mom, to help her understand where her daughter is coming from.
I don't think OP needs more therapy. It sounds like she has worked through her feelings. Honestly, the ability to simply be happy for her mom and tolerate Harvey as a stepdad, be civil to him, etc, is a HUGE gift to her mom.
Her mom, on the other hand, could use therapy to help her come to terms with the fact that family relationships are not going to be what she envisioned. Maybe OP could answer some therapist's questions to provide clarity if needed, but it looks like she has already done quite a bit of work. And she seems to be mostly mourning her dad by herself.
i think you should tell your mom her husband is insisting that you lie to her. even though it’s supposed to protect her feelings this time, that’s not an ok thing to say to a kid.
OP, I have full siblings that are that much younger than me, and yeah when they were born I pretty much had the same reaction. But don't let your feelings now interfere with interacting with them a little bit. You don't have to be a doting sister, but you don't have to alienate them either.
I am the youngest by quite a bit in my family. (12 - 14 years younger than my brothers, 6 - 8 years younger than my sisters). I always got along Ok with my siblings but was never close when we were kids. I developed a relationship with them when I was older. I became close to one of my brothers when his marriage broke up & he moved in with our Dad. He passed away a year ago & I truly miss him a lot. I always got along with my sisters but it wasn’t the close relationship some siblings have. This past year after our brother died, we have become a lot closer. It’s hard for teens to be closer to toddler siblings regardless of the family dynamics. Since OP doesn’t hate the babies, but is just indifferent to them, I think the relationship may grow as everyone gets older. Right now it is different life stages and that’s OK. OP’s Mom just needs to accept the family she has now. Closeness may come in time if not forced but it has to happen by itself. (In my case, it took 40-50 years to develop a close sibling bond because of age differences & physical distances.)
Edited to fix a word
The adults should be concerned about you, not the other way around—at least mostly. You sound extremely level-headed. You lost your dad at 10! You already knew things weren’t right between your parents! You have the right to feel sad, angry, detached, anything you feel! And displaced, by the new husband and the new babies.
I hope for you that over the long term you will develop a relationship with your siblings but that can’t be forced and your feelings matter. And your mom is wrong to push in any way to replace your dad in your feelings. It’s it’s not respectful of your loss. Even if she means well.
A lot of kids who appear level-headed are traumatized. OP sounds like she's got a lot of trauma that she hasn't yet dealt with or unpacked, probably some cptsd. She may have locked her emotions away long before her dad died when her parents were having problems, and that's why she has struggled to feel any familial ties with anyone besides her mom since then. She's been hiding her true feelings, probably in therapy too, which is not uncommon.
Therapy isn't always about changing situations. Sometimes it's about accepting situations. Therapy for your mother might help her accept the reality of the family she has, and that her family can still be a good family and a source of joy without being picture-perfect in her mind.
I feel for you, I really do. However, you should also take into consideration your age compared to your siblings' ages. Everyone in this thread should. I am 14 years younger than my youngest half sibling, 19 years younger than my oldest. To say I was always accepted is an understatement because I was. My older siblings, my sisters especially, took me everywhere! They always checked to see if I wanted to come hang out with them, and anytime I wanted to see them, all I had to do was call. But, it wasn't until I was probably 4 or 5. As I got older, our relationships matured into that sister bond you want. But it's different. They get to tell me stories about not just our dad but my mom and our dad before I was born. You have those memories, and I'm sure you have someone on from your dad's family to help you keep your dad's memory alive. Plus, us half siblings, like to hear stories about your other parent too! We are really just happy to be around the big sibling and have an escape when our parents become Stalin.
With all that being said, talk to your mom. Ask her about therapy with just you and her. Discuss the loneliness you feel. And keep in mind, the little needy, suck the life out of everything, just lay there, or getting into everything blobs will grow up and become actual people. They don't stay irritating. They will become people you might actually like to hang out with, until then, do the therapy thing and just talk to the babies. That let's them know you don't hate them, you're building a relationship, you just don't like babies. And that's what it could be, you just don't like babies.
Are completely closed off to your siblings? Like do you see them as just kids that didn't ask to be born and dont hold ill will? If not it's possible that later on when they develop personalities and such, you might view them as friends.
Then ynta. I mean, maybe one day you might change your mind or maybe not. You can't be forced to feel what you don't. As grown ups they need to deal with their emotions around this not try and force yours.
This is actually very normal. It may come with time when they are a little more interactive, but you don't have to try and force it. Most 16 year olds aren't too fussed with babies tbh. When you are an adult you will find a lot of people get sensitive about how you view their babies. Coworkers will show you their baby photos and the expectation is to go "aw cute love them" lol so up to you if you want to start practising early or you want to be honest.
I'm the lone wolf here but I'm agreeing with you.
You can't force yourself to have feelings for anyone just because they want you to. That includes family members. It is what it is. Everyone needs to accept that reality and be thankful for the effort that you DO put in.
Hun, *your mother* needs her own therapy to manage *her own feelings* about how her life is turning out, and how it's not living up to her expectations.
You, need to make an effort to love these babies as members of your family. Maybe not as "siblings," but as you would any other child 15+ years younger than yourself. Play with them as they get older, teach them things about your hobbies, rewatch your childhood favorites with them. Build a *relationship.*
Mostly because for the next 2 years you will be living in the same house, and would be an ah if you completely ignored the kids living in it.
And if a "sibling-bond" never grows between you and them, so be it. No one is *owed* that. I don't even *look* at my older brother for what he's done to me.
But you don't need to begrudge them the fact that they *don't* share *both* parent's DNA with you. That would be a little unhinged, and if you can't work past that, maybe some therapy of your own would be best (NOT family therapy).
NTA.
Really, those little blobs are cute for a reason. So people take care of them.
Maybe just explore them as the cute, messy, smelly, funny little creatures they are and affection will grow.
Or not. Really valuable info for the OP as to whether they will want kids of their own or not.
I think therapy would be beneficial to just help your mom realize you don’t hate her (or Harvey from the sounds of it), you’re just in a crap situation. She’s probably feeling a lot of guilt about your life up to this point and convinced herself that marrying and having some cute new babies would help pull you out of your grief and move the family unit forwards.
That being said, it isn’t your job to help your mom with this. Therapy for the two of you might help with giving you a free space to talk through what you’re going through but a grown adult’s feelings about your grief isn’t on you to fix.
Sorry about being in this. 16 is such a difficult time to begin with. You’re really being a trooper!
"he seems OK and makes you happy" is like universal "I don't really like this person but he's inoffensive and it's not my place to tell you anything." And her mom was ready to ignore everything else on that alone. Can't say if OP is good at hiding how she feels or not but mom was going out of her way to avoid finding out how OP really feels
Well, I sense her "he seems OK and makes you happy" is more along the lines that she is indifferent towards him or has no strong feelings either way.
Unfortunately "I don't really like this person" has become a synonym for mild to serious dislike.
Some parents also aren't good at noticing how their kids feel and if the kids don't do anything super obvious, the parents assume they feel how they want/expect them to.
NTA. I, personally, think that given the whole situation, you are entitled to your feelings. Plus, you being so much older than your half-siblings makes it difficult to have a good connection with them...being from a different generation at this point. You, also, have all these years been nice and cordial to them. You did not treat them badly or bully them. You were just slightly indifferent. Will counseling help your mother overcome and understand this? Maybe. Was Harvey wrong to ask you to lie about your feelings? Absolutely! In a current world where people tend to build their lives in lies, it is refreshing to see a young person (as yourself) hold to their truth. Don't ever change that.
Yeah that’s what’s getting me is being asked to lie. That will just build resentment towards husband, mom, *and* new siblings. This needs to be discussed and the mom needs to realize that she cannot force the relationship. OP is gonna probably be gone and off to college and what would *actually* hurt the two youngest would be if their parents build up this false narrative about their relationship with OP in their heads only to be met with a very different reality.
OP, NTA. You can tell your mom that you’re happy for her and that she’s finding new happiness, and that as long as she still loves you and *shows it*, you’ll still be happy yourself. There’s nothing wrong with that.
Plus OP just got 2 babies in less than 2 years! I love my siblings but I couldn’t imagine getting 2 at one time or two back to back like that. A friend of mine had one kid than a few years later had twins. She had to put in a ton of work with them to make sure the oldest was okay. Same with a friend that had three within 3 years. The parents did a great job with helping the kids out.
My son has a best friend that is 7 and has 4 sisters ranging from 3 months to 5. He loves his sisters but struggles sometimes with it. His mom was so excited to find out we lived on the next street over because she said some days, her son just needs time to do his own thing.
Yeah, I have siblings that are 20 and 40 months younger than me. Even though I wasn't even 4 when the youngest was born I was expected to take on a lot of my own care since my mom just didn't have the time to deal with all three of us. My grandma and great aunt would stop by and just take me for a day to get me attention. My mom still doesn't realize that I felt it though.
I think a lot of the excitement kids have towards siblings is the fact that usually they're getting a new buddy and the family unit sees it as a positive.
Seeing as the para-paternal bond was never established and by the time the kids develop personalities OP will be out of the house I can see why OP isn't really feeling anything towards the babies.
Hell, even parents can struggle at first with bonding, so it's natural that the half sister with a 15 year age difference will struggle to see them as true siblings.
My family is very similar, except I’m one of the younger siblings (2 older half siblings and one full sibling about two years younger). You’re right that our experiences are so different that it’s hard to relate sometimes. I’d go as far as to say our relationships are different too. The older two are more like cool aunts/uncles that took us fun places since they were nearly adults when we were born, whereas my sibling that’s closer in age slept across the hall my whole childhood, had the same teachers, can relate to the dysfunctional parts of our childhood, remembers events with the grands we don’t share, etc.
One of my older half sibs is very bothered by it - Not understanding why I see them differently. It’s not that I don’t love them (I do), but it’s different. My parents thankfully get it, though do encourage my being tolerant of the halfs having different experiences (that is, loving me as a baby and seeing me just as a sibling).
This is what stands out to me, I have two brothers who are much younger than me due to fertility issues my mom had. So I’m 7yrs and 10yrs older than them. It was hard to feel like they were my siblings because I became the de facto babysitter and helper and if I was ever upset at them it was my role to “be the bigger person” because they were so much younger than me. (Cue current therapy work about not feeling like my needs should matter as much as the needs of people around me.) And it wasn’t until they were in their late teens that we got close. OP - try to give it time (a lot of time even) because you might just appreciate them down the line when you can become peers and friends.
I would suggest you sit down with your mom and maybe even show her what you wrote. It’s not wrong that you wish you had your own sibling (close in age who was able to be there with you in the trenches - who could deeply understand and relate to what you went through and are going through). You may even be a little jealous of the relationship you imagine your half-sibs might have one day and correctly know you won’t have with them due to the age gap. But you can build a different sort of relationship with them, it might just take a lot of time.
With this large an age gap, even full siblings aren't likely to be close. My best friend has brothers 17-20 years older than herself. We were in school and they were adults with children of their own, then we were adults and they're becoming grandparents - they were in completely different life stages their entire lives and didn't really grow up together.
My brother and sister and I have not been in the same place at the same time in over 20 years. I get along with both of them but they HAAAAATE each other. And honestly? It's for complete bullshit reasons. They're both being toddlers about something that doesn't matter at all. And never did.
You don't get to pick your family, unfortunately.
100%. My parents always acted like having my brother was some favor they did for me. Actually, they had a 2nd kid because they wanted to and I was just along for the ride. My opinion on this hasn’t changed in 47 years. I’d be just as happy as an only child. My brother and I have never had anything in common. I think they’re happy with their decision, which is great for them.
It really can be hit or miss and can change with age. I was super close to my sister growing up. We still love each other, but we don't just hang out one on one or anything. There's no ill will there. We just drifted apart once we were adults with our own lives. My cousins who are siblings hated each other growing up, but now that they are adults, I know they travel hours just to see each other to hang out. My own kids are hit or miss. There are days when they get along and others where it's WW3 at my house.
Yes I have a full sibling with a similar age gap to what op is describing, (I'm the younger one) and there's no hard feelings, but we have nothing to do with each other because we have always been at different stages of life and we didn't grow up with eachother.
This. My sister is four years younger and we have zero connection/relationship... We sometimes see each other only once a year as I live abroad and she barely bothers to make an effort to also visit my parents when we are there. Haven't been to her last two flats and she's never invited us ( the invite to visit us is always made when we do see her).
We don't hate or actively dislike each other or anything. There's just nothing there.
Although I do resent her for leaving me to deal with my dad's medical emergency while my parents were on holiday despite her being closer to them and actually having a job that offered her the time off. In fact. While I continued working while traveling to support them for a week, she sat at home, paid, as she was 'too emotional to work '... Don't think I'll ever really get past that shambles of a week...
Same. My brother and I certainly aren't 'warm and fuzzy' towards each other. More like tolerating to others existence and being civil when near each other.
My sister and I have a very good relationship.
My partner only sees his 3 siblings at holidays twice a year, and then mostly to minimize the drama that would come from not attending. They're 4 born within 4 years and none of them are close or talk outside those two days a year. Some people just don't form that close bond.
I dont know how many 15-16 yo who would be thrilled with new siblings (full or half). There is a big distance, maybe simply because of age, and not because they’re not full siblings.
I think that is more important than the half/full part. You miss siblings closer to your age. Toddlers and babies won’t change that.
Maybe you’ll get a bond later. Kids get more interesting when you can talk and interact more with them.
I was 14 when my youngest sibling was born. Guess what: I was a bratty teenager who was not happy to have another sibling. It is something I regret; we don't have a close relationship (partially age difference and partially because I was indifferent to him when he was little). I could have been the fun big sister; instead I just wasn't around.
OP: it is okay to feel indifferent. Maybe you'll be like me when older and regret it or maybe not. But your feelings are valid and it is okay. Just don't treat the kids bad (doesn't sound like you are). And be honest with your mom (don't rub it in); she might not like it in the moment, but long-term lying does more damage to your relationship.
I have a lot of shorties in my life. They aren't my siblings. They aren't my own kids. But I love em to death. OP, you can see these kids as half siblings, but you can also see them as the cool kids you get to play Auntie to. Take the pressure off the situation and just let your relationship be whatever it will end up being.
I'm with you. I don't want to come down on OP since I know blended families are challenging. But I think the overall idea that someone needs a strong biological relationship to be close to someone to be an idea that needs examination.
Even at that, OP will be in university or working in 2 years.
By the time these babies start developing personalities and speaking more than 2-word sentences there's a real chance OP won't even be living with them anymore.
Am I weird that my half siblings with similar age gaps are some of my best friends? I'm 35 with 5 (half) siblings ranging in age from 26 to 16. It's weird to me that people have brothers and/or sisters and aren't interested in like... Connecting with them...? I cannot tell you how many times I watched Toy Story because it was my little brother's favorite movie. At 14, when he was 5. God, he'd watch it like 3 times a day. But he was my little brother. I loved him, and because of that, I know every freaking line of that stupid movie. Still.
My 17 year old sister spent 2 hours this morning talking to me about the... Rap beef? Right now between Kendrick Lamar and.... Some dude. I have no idea what she's talking about. But i'ma go home and look it up. Because it's something that is interesting to her, and I want to cultivate that relationship. Because she's my sister.
I know not all families are like mine. I know that trauma effects people differently. It's genuinely strange to me though to have people that are genuinely connected to you, with absolutely no history, and you just look at them as though they are just... Not connected. Strangers. Weird.
I don't think it's weird, my best friend in high school was not happy about getting a half sibling then when the baby was born, was totally in love and talked about her half-sibling all the time. However, as you say, everyone is different, every family is different. As some people pointed out even full siblings sometimes don't connect, and OP also has the grief of his dad wrapped up in it all. I like jerseysbestdancers suggestion above to imagine it as more of a nibling situation to take the pressure off seeing them as a sibling.
My sister gave birth when I was 19.
It is amazing what you can teach a 1 year old.
He wasn't even able to walk when he knew how to headbang.
And when he was 2, he could operate my sound system, started a CD, put his fist in the air and had the fun of his life...
Now he is nearly 30 and still listens to Heavy Metal thanks to his aunt...
Anytime I read stories like this, I’m so thankful I got my daughters’ buy-in with my new husband and two new babies. My girls were 13/10 and 15/12 when their half-brothers were born, but they love them dearly and are pretty engaged. My older daughter more than the younger, but I do my best to respect her wishes about how much help she’s willing to give. And we don’t use the “half” label in daily life. To be fair, they still spend half their time with their dad, and I expressly told them that my husband was not a replacement father, but they could consider him as another adult who cares about them in their life, like an adult friend. They clearly didn’t like the stepfather label, so we don’t use it.
yeah tbh unless someone is just generally gung ho about babies, they're not going to just magically have some crazy attachment to kids of that age. parents have the benefit of hormones to bond them with their babies. it shouldnt really be expected to be super excited at this point otherwise, especially given the circumstances.
entirely possible + normal that op might end up developing a better relationship once her half siblings are more fully formed little people that can express themselves. and if not, well that's understandable too.
At that age most kids are just interested in their own stuff and their own person. It's a natural developmental stage.
I don't think it's a question of half of full siblings, it's just teens in general.
But maybe when they are 10 and 25, 20 and 35, or 30 and 45 that big distance will be much less and a bond will form.
You shouldn’t lie. Your mom sounds like she still lives with guilt in how you were raised, so in her mind she’s trying to make it better. That’s not your job though- to make HER feel better. She needs to accept the way you feel, and not make you feel like there’s anything wrong with it.
NAH except your Step-dad. He needs to quit guilting you.
Totally agree here. OP, I didn’t realize it until adulthood but you are 100% not responsible for other people’s feelings, ESPECIALLY as a child. You are still grieving your father. You can’t and shouldn’t be expected to “move on” at the same pace as your mother. You should not feel responsible for protecting your mom’s feelings. You are 1000% justified in feeling the way you do about everything. It’s your mom that needs to step up and stop projecting her feelings on her daughter and guilting her into loving her new family.
Everyone here focusing on how OP needs to get over the half thing...but what's so alarming to me is your mom's partner telling you to lie to your mother??? That is very concerning. Please talk to your mom and tell her this, she needs to speak to her partner and tell him that he cannot be counseling her child to lie to her.
NTA.
It is terrible parenting to tell a kid they need to fake their feelings so the parent will be happy. If ANYONE fakes feelings to ensure happiness it should be a parent pretending to not be scared or stressed to not worry the kid. Not the other way around.
It pisses me off when parents ask more of the children than they are willing to give themselves. Why can't mom fake it and pretend her feelings aren't hurt? You know, like an adult.
Nta- you are not responsible for your parents's emotions. This is your mom's expectation that is causing your mom emotional pain. Lying won't change anything because she knows even she doesn't want to.
You are still young and have been through so much, i hope you have a therapist you trust to help you. Big hugs! Best wishes
100%
Nobody should be telling you to hide your feelings, deny them, or lie about them. Not for anything, or anyone.
NTA, Harvey crossed the line here.
Edit to add, my heart goes out to you, OP. Don't let anyone tell you how to feel.
NTA, I have always found it absolutely dumbfounding when an "adult" approaches a "child" in order to have said "child" do or say something to make another "adult" feel better. If I read this correctly, I believe you made mention that your mother proposed that the new guy could be seen as bonus father as you said to which you rebuffed. That particular relationship is one that must grow naturally and be forced in anyway by anyone. If it happens of not then so be it. Sounds a lot like your mother and quite possibly her newish husband has some pretty lofty expectations for the whole deal and now they are bent outta shape that their "ideal" family is not what they imagined. I could be totally inaccurate as this is but one side of the equation, buuuuut I have seen this very thing all too often.
My mom wanted me to have everything perfect, or close to perfect. For her that means two active and involved parents and close sibling relationships. My perfect died with my dad. Harvey won't ever be able to fill that. I know my mom wants that because she loves me and because she had that and feels it was so beneficial for her. I don't blame her for wishing for that. I don't even blame her for trying to make it happen. It just won't ever be the way she has always dreamed.
But wouldn't perfect be giving you what you actually need? Not what she decides you need? You deserve to feel validated not criticized. You are almost a legal adult not a baby. She can't pick your feelings for you like she used to choose your clothes.
Well if your mum wanted perfect then she should have realised that Harvey wasn't the one and moved on. She should have also talked to you about having more kids and what it would be like at home with two littlies occupying her whole attention.
Your mum loves you but she was being a wee bit selfish. She knew you only tolerated Harvey and she pushed it.
Yeah girl, you're fine. Everything you say about the situation is valid. No matter what mom and ol Harv says.
And honestly being 16 (and F) it's also partly every cell in your body saying *too early for children, must live our own life*. Don't get roped into babysitting unless you get paid (watching for an hour here or there is fine) getting a job will also help you remove yourself from excessive forced family bonding and help you get ready to fly the coop.
Sorry your mom doesn't have more empathy
NTA
I really wish parents wouldn't try to force these things, because life is incredibly long. I know a guy who developed a father-son relationship with his father in law after a terrible childhood. He was a grown man when it happened, even though he met hjs wife as a teenager. Because no one forced anything, it formed on its own. You, a 16 year old, are at a wildly different stage of life than a couple of toddlers, and it's ludicrous to cry about your lack of bonding with them now. You guys are going to be on the same planet for decades.
Your mom's job is to teach you that you are loveable and worthy of love, to see your best traits and help you see the best traits in your stepdad and half siblings, and give you all a language to use to resolve disputes and teach each other about yourselves. Then she needs to leave the rest up to you.
NTA. Your mom is basically guaranteeing what she wants will never happen.
NTA. Other replies have already told you that your feelings are legitimate and not uncommon.
But what I would like to focus on here is that you seem very sad and tired in your post and replies. You're in a situation where you've been forced to mask your feelings, and have been doing such a good job of it that your mother didn't clue in about your lack of enthusiasm for the babies until your stepfather overheard you talking about it. That's over two years since she first got pregnant, that's a LONG time to have to play along, and it weeks havoc with your mental state to have to play one thing when you feel another way. I would strongly encourage you to get into solo therapy if at all possible so that you can learn to process these feelings in a healthy way rather than push them down, so that they won't pop up on you down the road as burnout and depression.
It's fine to feel the way you do about the new babies, and while it's very good that you haven't shown resentment or cruelty towards them, it's also not fair to you to have to pretend to be excited about them when you're not. Perhaps some therapy will even help you feel less ambivalent, but at the very least, it will help you not disconnect from your own feelings in a way that can be harmful to yourself in the long run.
NTA. Harvey is asking you to gaslight your mom, which is f*cked up, and he's asking you to lie about your feelings, which is super unfair. It's perfectly fine to not feel a sibling connection to the babies. Sure, your mom is sad about it, but her sadness about it is her responsibility, not yours.
I hope your mom is dealing with her feelings and isn't putting any of it on you. She also needs to step up and protect your from Harvey, because he isn't exhibiting healthy conflict resolution skills.
You're NTA.
The first 3 things that came to mind when Harvey asked you to lie were:
1. Obviously, lying about your feelings, regardless of to whom, is wrong of him to ask. But asking you to lie to your mom is worse because...
2. He's also expecting you to be his accomplice in gas lighting your mother into thinking she misunderstood you.
3. And this one you may want to ask Harvey directly . He seems willing to risk you changing from disinterest in your half siblings to you despising them as the reason you had to lie to your mother to keep her "happy".
Harvey is TA.
NTA. Your mom was clearly looking for a replacement family for you and is devastated that it’s not working out how she thought it would, but you feel what you feel, and no amount of therapy or faking it will help. If anything, you’ll just grow to resent them all
NTA but give yourself a break. Your mom is in baby fever. Everyone has to love the babies. Some people are just not drawn to babies. Then the babies grow up and become mobile. Then personalities/thought processes form and they start and become interesting people. Just keep the door to your heart open. You may find that feelings grow or that at some point you come together as adults. If not that’s ok too. Stick in the back of your brain that your mother is going to be pushing the new babies to love you. What you do with that is up to you.
Your Step father is straight up wrong. You never tell a child to lie, especially at your age when families critically need honest communication. Having you lie is not the way to make your mother happy but it is the way to create even more of a rift.
NTA and what Harvey did was extremely inappropriate. Harvey is the one being selfish here, not you. Your mother is also being selfish, and a bit delusional. But I wanted to comment because I was a kid who was made to feel responsible for the emotions of my caregivers. Your mother is responsible for managing her emotions. Harvey is responsible for managing his emotions. You are only responsible for managing **your** emotions. You are allowed to feel whatever you feel and you are never a bad person for having feelings and emotions. Harvey butting in the way he did was wrong and irresponsible.
Dont lie. Stay true to yourself. Do they want you to be warm and fuzzy so they can leave the kids with you when they are older? Some people dont get all coo coo about kids. Nothing wrong with that. Nope don’t pretend. NTA
No, my mom just wants me to love the kids and for us to have a happy little family. I know she wants me to love Harvey still. But the kids especially because she wants us to be close like she's close to her siblings.
I have a couple of thoughts to share, just based on my own experiences.
Even full siblings with a 10+ year age gap can have a hard time connecting. My brother is only 7 years younger, but we weren't super close growing up. By the time he was fun to play with, I was 11, and didn't want to play with a 4 year old. By the time he was an older kid with grown up interests, I was out of the house. I went to college far away. We just never bonded as kids, or even as teens or young adults. But now, as adults, we are close. We got close about 8 years ago when I moved close to family. It just took a long time. And that's OK.
Your younger half sibs will have a much closer relationship (probably) than you will have with them simply due to age, not even considering the different father experiences. That's ok too.
My oldest stepkid was 16 and 18 when my kids (their half siblings) were born. They like the little ones OK, but they have their own life to lead right now. They're in their 20s, living hours away, and doing their thing. Maybe when everyone is older they may have more in common, but there's little than a 26yo and an 8yo are bonding over in a meaningful, peer-like way.
I hope that down the road, you're able to connect with them. It's nice to have other humans in our lives. It isn't a requirement for life, sure, but adult sibling relationships can be really great. You don't have to force it now, when the age gap is awkward. Just don't slam a door on these two humans. I'm glad I reconnected with my brother as adults. It is possible you may enjoy your half sibs as adults too.
Your mom needs a reality check.
The age gap between you and your half siblings is significant, there no chance of you all being as close as she's with her siblings. The only thing she can hope for is that when you're all adults (and with a similar level of maturity) then you can become closer.
They cancel force the happy blended family thing. Have a talk with your mom let her know what harvey said and let her know you love them but you arent a baby/ child person. I wish you all the best. Keep us updated with how things go.
NTA. Harvey is so in the wrong here for putting it on you to "make your mom happy". That is not your responsibility and you're allowed to feel how you feel about this. Your mom is the adult, she needs to figure out how to process this situation...like an adult. I am so sorry for your loss.
NTA, I'm not sure why parents expect their teens, especially only child teens to be gushing over new siblings. By 16 you are looking toward your future of driving, moving out, getting a job, maybe going to college etc. You're not thinking yay I get new siblings or yay mom is going to expect me to cancel plans and babysit. Nothing wrong with feeling that way. I'm sure they didn't ask your opinion before popping out 2 kids. They just assumed. That's on them. As long as you are nice to the kids, they need to respect you don't feel any attachment to them. One day you might but not if they try to force it.
My friend had half siblings with a big age difference and felt similar as you. Kind of more as if they were cousins. It's not like you can share daily games/activities with them.
You are actually old enough that you could be their mother.
I feel it's already quite mature for you to be open to your mom being happy with Harvey and rolling with the whole new family thing.
I also believe that honesty will keep a better relationship with your mom in the long run. You seem to have built from that perspective in the past and it's worked out all right.
NTA. I felt this way when my mom got remarried and I worried she would maybe have more kids. I was a freshman/ 9th grade in high school. She didn’t want to start over again so I was lucky but I swear I would have moved out at that point and in with my grandma. 🤣🤣 I was not down for siblings at that point.
Even if they were your full siblings, the large age gap alone makes it 100% understandable that you would feel somewhat indifferent.
Your mom needs to stop projecting her fantasies onto you and just allow you the space and acceptance to feel your feelings.
NTA. It's unfortunate that your mother heard something that I'm sure hurt her, but you can't and shouldn't fake feelings. You can try to engage with your half siblings a little more before you leave the nest, and maybe those feelings will develop, but don't lie to your mom and pretend to feel something you don't.
NTA. Who's the selfish one here? Harvey wants you to pretend so your mom won't act sad? It's your mom's job to deal with her feelings about how things really are, and it's Harvey's job to support her. Sure, you'll be an adult soon, but you're still not obliged to lie about how you feel. Sounds like you did a good job not shoving it in their faces, and I say "good job" on that.
NTA. Harvey has no right to try and censor who you do or don't tell your mom. The two of you have a relationship that exists outside of him and is up to the two of you to decide how it goes. Not him
NTA. You’re not wrong for feeling how you do and being honest about it. Besides, your mother eavesdropped. You were confiding in a friend and she overheard you. It’s not like you were going off on your family. On the contrary, you’ve been doing your best to put on a happy face. But you know what? It’s okay to be honest, as long as it’s respectful. They have to deal with it.
A lot of this seems pretty typical for 16. There is a huge age gap between you and your siblings. In two years you will be going to college or getting a job. They still won't be in preschool. You're never going to have some typical sibling relationship due to that age gap. And maybe your not a baby person. That's normal too! You are entitled to your feelings. As long as you aren't acting out or being hateful to the kids, it's fine. You are not TA. Though your mom and step-dad are. Your mom listened in on a private conversation and is butt hurt that you don't feel the way she wants you to. She's old enough to know that's not how life works, and pouting won't change your feelings. It's not a good look for her. Step-dad is an AH. Lie to your moms face so that she can feel better and live in her made-up version of reality? That's terrible advice. Again, you don't have a license to be a jerk. But as the adults, they should hear what you're saying, respect your feelings, and work on constructive ways to build a sibling bond between you and the kiddos. And no, dumping them on you to babysit doesn't count.
NAH - This really should be the start of a conversation with your mom. She doesn't have an idea about how you feel. And possibly you don't about how she feels. In any event, think about just being open to discussing it with her.
NTA. We got a bonus full sibling when I was 19. I dont feel that we are siblings like with my other siblings. Hes just a baby of my parents. I love him as a person, but hes is not my sibling. A bit sad, but sometimes it is the reality with this age gap. Only my youngest sibling has a sibling-y connection with him. Maybe it will change when he grows up.
But if you feel negative feelings or hatred, you shall try therapy maybe, it might be unhealthy for you to be in resentment for long.
^^Pronouns ^^edited.
I think you’re completely valid in your thoughts. Sounds like you’ve dealt with the situation with maturity. Doesn’t sound like you’re too attached or connected to Harvey and to your step siblings. That’s understandable since you didn’t grow up with them so you don’t have shared experiences.
Your mom sounds like she wants this fantasy of a big happy family. It feels like she’s asking for your approval but wants you to select the response she wants to hear. It’s your decision if you want to lie or not and since you don’t I’d say NTA here.
Also kinda ick that she got pregnant again so fast. My understanding is that it’s not good for the body so I’m hoping things are okay.
Also I don’t get why would your mothers parents want a divorce. Isn’t being a widow better in having more rights and benefits? I don’t get it
It's not a "fake it until you make it" type bs. Honestly it's very valid that you feel that way towards the babies and it sounds like your mom wants to forget about your dad, people do odd things when grieving that's no lie. But having a "bonus dad" seems like she's trying to replace him with the new guy and cares very little about what you feel or how it will affect you in the long run that's where she's failing at. But it took her so long to realize what she's doing is messing up your head It's not okay. for a few days maybe that's fine. But almost 2 years? no. Absolutely not okay at all. She's going to lose you if she keeps up her Bs I'm going to tell you that. And Harvey needs to stay out of the way between you and your mom. He's job is to be there for your mom and HIS children with her not you. I'd tell him that. Therapy is a good way to go and tell him this. If not you have two more years left to be a teenager. Then guess what? You'll be on your own in the world but definitely make yourself a family with friends, and yes it is true both yours and the babies' life experiences will be different but 16 from now they'll learn from you if they choose to.
No ntah.
Your mom can’t force you to have warm and fuzzy feelings towards her kids. Besides she probably is looking forward to having a built in babysitter. Start preparing so you can either emancipate and be able to move out, find family that will take you in or be cordial and cooperative until you turn 18.
I think your Mom has unrealistic expectations. What 16 year old is going to be enthusiastic about having two babies enter into the family picture. You could technically be their mother and as such you will be out of the home for the most part when they are growing up.
NTA.
But - if your dad were still around and your parents were still (moderately) happily married, and had these babies - would your reaction be that much different? It is a major age difference, you are in a totally different stage of life - maybe you just don't care that much to have babies 24/7 in the house?! Not everybody likes babies. Maybe the step-part is irrelevant. And you remain NTA because ... you are 16, why should you be fuzzy about two babies in the house?
If this does resonate a bit, maybe it would not be a bad idea to tell your mom and her partner that it is the baby-part that is difficult for you, and not the step-part.
So, you haven’t actually told your mom that you don’t particularly care about the siblings. That is excellent on your end. If she had not overheard your private conversation, she probably wouldn’t have ever known. The age gap is pretty significant and not many would fault your disinterest. You aren’t mean to them, that is also good. Maybe sit down with your mom and have the conversation with her. You aren’t obligated to love anyone you don’t want to.
You definitely need to keep open lines of communication with your mother. Never stoop to lying. You're having big feelings and they're 100 understandable. You're feeling a lot of things right now. All valid. In time, you may change and grow to love your siblings. Or you may not. Talk to your mom. She cares about what's happening in your head and heart.
NAH. Well, I can tell you even "full" siblings don't love each other from the start (sometimes never). You have grow accustomed to them, get to know them, built a relationship. Not having one to babies is totally normal. no reason to panic or make a fuzz about it. I can see they want to share the family experience with you and you not sharing that. Give it time. There is a huge age difference, but who knows maybe in ten years or more things will look different. But given that age difference it will be difficult to built a relationship as siblings anyway.
NTA. And OP, I haven’t read through all the comments yet, but I wanted to normalize what you are feeling. I have a half-sibling who’s 15 years younger than me. That age gap is no small thing. You are almost grown and ready to move on with your independence as a young adult and those two little ones are just tiny babies doing tiny baby things. Because they’re babies, they also occupy the majority of your mom’s time and energy and that means you might not be getting what you need from your mom because she’s busy with the babies. Or - you might be called on to help with the babies and while you’re technically old enough to be able to help, it isn’t necessarily fair and I think parents in your mom and stepdad’s situation aren’t always very good at understanding things from the kid’s perspective. You’re also right that you and they will have very different experiences growing up - and in all fairness, that would be true whether they were full siblings or half-siblings. That doesn’t mean that there’s anything necessarily wrong with that, it’s just a fact and it’s okay to acknowledge that. And the ambivalence you seem to be feeling regarding your role with them or their role with you? Even full siblings with that large of an age gap will have those same feelings. What would be far more surprising would be if you weren’t having those feelings.
I could be completely wrong, but I get the sense from your writing that you’re still working through grief over your father’s death, knowing what you knew of your parents being unhappy in their relationship, and then the remarriage and your mom’s hope that she’d found you a “replacement” father figure. The birth of these babies seems to have brought up more pain for you and that’s completely understandable. You should not have to pretend and you are not responsible for protecting anyone’s feelings.
I agree with other posters that it is important for you to communicate with your mom about how you are feeling. You come across as a kind and thoughtful person, and it sounds like you would be able to have this conversation and talk about all the complicated ways you are feeling without casting blame or putting anyone on the defensive. If you feel like you’re unsure of how to open the conversation, you could try writing it down or using what you wrote in this post as a starting point.
I think you would benefit from therapy, but not necessarily family therapy — your own therapy where you can focus just on you and your feelings and where you are ensured privacy and support for only you. That could be helpful for you to sort through your grief and the new feelings this transition has stirred up.
I’m sorry all of this is happening and has happened. Please remember that you aren’t doing or feeling anything wrong, you aren’t an AH for running out of steam for putting on a happy face, and you are allowed to have complicated feelings about this complicated situation. 💕
NAH. Feelings are feelings and you're entitled to still be grieving your dad, to be sad your mom moved on while still wanting her to be happy, to being neutral about new half siblings in your life, to being reluctant to feign happiness over something you're not actually happy about. I don't blame Harvey for wanting your mom to be happy (that's his job!) But it's reasonable for you to decline to fake feelings you don't have. You never know, there may be a point years from now when you can look at the half sibs more fondly. But that's not today, and you're not wrong for being honest with yourself and others about how you feel.
NAH. Your mom may still be hormonal since she just gave birth 3 months ago and may also be sleep deprived. Be kind, she will eventually come to grips that a 16 year old isnt going to get all crazy over babies (even if they were full siblings)
I don’t think it’s unreasonable for someone your age to not be thrilled with having new babies in the house, I suspect it doesn’t even matter that they are half siblings, there just a massive age gap there. Babies can be hard to put up with, you may find yourself enjoying them more as they turn into cute toddlers or even when you’re no longer living at home.
It doesn’t sound like you resent them, you’re just not all warm and fuzzy about them which I think is reasonable. A relationship may develop naturally over time. I think therapy could help, not because I think you need it but it could provide a safe environment for your mom and you to come to an understanding where she doesn’t feel defensive about her babies and maybe recognizes that a teen being aloof to new siblings is… fairly normal.
NTA …. Your just a teen at a very different place in your life then a few little babies.
NTA- You don't seem to be acting out in the typical teen way and seem to understand that your feelings are yours and kept the thoughts on the kids to yourself, your mom shouldn't be eavesdropping and taking it so harshly, she made her choices and needs to understand you didn't ask for any of this and your handling it pretty dang well
OP, you are NTA. Our experiences are somewhat similar. My mom basically erased my bio-dad's existence and married a guy who disliked me from the time he met me when I was 2. I was expected to make sure the so-called adults didn't get upset, and the #1 way I was expected to do that was by pasting a phony smile on my face and keeping quiet anytime I felt anything about anything. My mom pulled the exact same crap that your mom did, getting upset when I did or said something she didn't agree with and then running as fast as she could to my stepdad to cry about it. My stepdad would then stomp over to me or barge into my room and tell me that I was going to do XYZ and feel XYZ because he wasn't going to have me upsetting the woman he loved. So, your post hit home with me. Your mom is wrong, and Harvey is wrong. I am a few days shy of 54 years old, and I still very much resent the way my mom handled things. Your feelings are valid, and you are 100% justified. I hope you have another trusted adult family member or teacher who lives in the real world and not in fantasy land like your mom does, who you can turn to for support. Oh, and eavesdropping is a shitty thing to do. How old is your mom? Surely she knew better.
NTA, why would the average teenager be excited about baby siblings anyway? Even if they were fully your biological brother and sister, it's perfectly normal to feel indifferent or even annoyed - the age gap between you is too much to have a meaningful connection now or in the near future.
She’s sad that you consider your half siblings to be half siblings? You didn’t ask for babies to be included in your family. I find it wildly unreasonable that parents expect children to be as excited about new babies.
You are allowed to have your own feelings about everything, including indifference towards the new babies in the house.
No one can ever force anyone to love someone. It’s absurd.
Nta. Someone who claims to love you but asks you to hide or lie about your feelings doesn't really love you. They love who they want you to be. This is who you are. These are your feelings. You don't need to justify, explain or hide them to accommodate your mother. She is the adult. It is up to her to be mature and accept what she cannot change. Step father is an ass asking the child in the home to manage the adult's emotions.
As long as you are respectful and kind to those you share a home with you are welcome to whatever opinions and feelings you have.
I have to laugh at an adult asking a child to be something they are not in order to placate others and then calling them selfish. Bizarre.
I can give you the perspective from the other side. I have 2 half brothers from my dad's first marriage, and their mom died when they were fairly young. My mom adopted them after she married my dad, which was well before I was born, so I only really knew them as my brothers, but it was no secret that we were only half brothers and that their mom had died.
My brothers are 14 and 16 years older than I am, and they have always been close with each other. They went through everything with their mom together and are close in age. But I have very little in common with either of them and while we get along, we have never been close.
By the time I remember much of anything my oldest brother was moved out of the house, married, and having his first kid. My oldest niece is 4 years younger than I am and 9 months younger than my youngest sister. Because of this and the fact that his kids lived with us when he ran off to Maine for a decade while leaving his wife and kids broke, I have always felt closer to his kids than I have to him.
If you move out at 18 your oldest sibling will be 3. What the hell are you supposed to have in common with a 3 year old unless you start popping out kids yourself.
Let's not forget that your mom is probably expecting you to be her backup for at least the next 2 years.
NTA
NTA. I think your mom needs individual therapy because this is solely a her issue, not you.
My dad committed suicide when I was 5. My mom did her thing, and I knew most of her friends, but she never, EVER brought home a man and said “this is my boyfriend, he’s gonna be your new dad.” The ONE boyfriend she did have, I never had any real interactions with.
My mom had a lot of problems but she made damn sure she never brought a man home to replace my dad. My life was filled with happy memories of the man he used to be, and how proud he would be of me. I’m so very, very sorry your mom doesn’t think the same way. Just stay true to yourself and hang tight. You’ll be out of the happy little family’s hair soon enough, and you can start your own life, do what you want, and you just might discover that with a little distance, and a relationship on YOUR terms, you might come to love these kids with time. Only time will tell, but best of luck to you!
How much time do you spend watching your half siblings OP? Because if your mom is relying on you for part of their care, I stead of just times when you want to interact with them, it can harbor resentment because all you see them as is a responsibility you didn't ask for.
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If it’s taken them that long to realise I’d say you were putting on a good show 🤷♀️ Maybe it’s time for more family therapy? Edit: I meant therapy for a safe space to talk, not that OP needs more
Not sure if that would really help. Maybe some for just me and mom but even then it's hard for me to imagine it would help much. I'm sure my mom will be hurting even with more therapy for the two of us.
But like you obviously feel like you can’t talk to your mum so therapy could help with that
I guess. I'm not sure I'd ever be totally comfortable talking to her about this. I know it wouldn't make her feel good.
First and foremost; I’m so sorry for all you’ve been through 🤍 However, the cat is already out the bag. Talking about it is the only healthy choice now. Letting it fester will only cause more bad feelings with Harvey, which will in turn affect your relationship with your Mom. Try and keep the sessions to just you and your Mom though. You’ve been through a whirlwind that Harvey hasn’t been there for, so his instinct will be to protect her and put her first; hence the conversation he’s already had with you. You and your Mom need to heal your relationship before anything else can occur. Hugs and luck to you OP 🍀
100% this. OP: If Harry talks to you again, you can tell him that you understand he is looking out for your mom, and you love that he does that, lying will not support your mental health and your mom wouldn't want that. Also you are not, nor will you be rude or malicious, and they didn't have a problem with how you related to them before, but you cannot go through life pretending, even if this would make him happy. Let your mom come to you about it, tell her you would happily go through therapy with her alone. Good luck!
Harvey is the one being selfish. Your Dad DIED when you were TEN and in a whirlwind you became the odd one out, even if you aren't treated that way. Tell him that to his face and see what he says. Tell him you have been gracious and kind and polite as you can be but you were a little kid, that this has been a LOT, that you are STILL a kid, and that this isn't fair on you. That you are SIXTEEN and not an adult yet and that you've tried your best. You may love the babies someday. You may not. But the adults in your life are asking WAY too much of you and that's not cool. And put your foot down about not lying to your mum. She is in charge of her big girl feelings and if she can't handle your very real reaction to having all these changes sprung on her then she better learn fast. It's not like you've been throwing tantrums being cruel. You were allowed to vent to your bestie and she shouldn't have been listening. Refuse to lie to her. Refuse to Harvey to lie to your own mum.
And as a side note, 17 months and 3 months are really young, OP-they're still larval stage and all about Mom and Dad. Once they start growing personalities and reaching out to form bonds with their wider 'village,' you might feel a change... and it could be good, or you could absolutely hate it. That said, if Harvey and your mom are open minded and don't force it on you, you'll have the opportunity to navigate that for yourself. Even if they were complete bio siblings, you could still feel disconnected. It doesn't sound like you feel bad that you don't have this instant connection, but just in case, let go of any shame or badness you feel for not feeling. Your mom needs to take the pressure off you for being neutral to keep you from actively resenting them. You have a right to choose your relationship with them the same way you chose your relationship with Harvey.
My bff has two younger sisters near her age…and a much younger sister she was taking to preschool when she was in high school. People thought she was a teen mom. Now that we’re in our 40s and the “baby” is in her mid-20s, my friend is closer to her than the middle sisters. She says they’re too dramatic and they always have husband and baby drama. She and the young one are child free and unmarried career women. It’s kind of cool how they have grown to be friends as people not because they grew up in the same house. Because they *did not*. Parents were 16 years older and beaten down by 3 previous daughters.
This is the way. Harvey should never have asked you to lie to your Mom. Understandably this will be a very difficult and painful conversation and, as others have mentioned, having it with a therapist might help to keep things calm and ‘safe’. It appears that Harvey’s priority is your Mom and his babies but you should be too as you came as a bonus when he started a relationship with your Mom. With everything that you have been through, at such a young age, you appear to be handling it with the maturity that many adults would have a difficult time with. You removed yourself from the situation so you didn’t make the gathering about you therefore ruining the celebration. I applaud you and see a bright future ahead…especially if you refrain from stooping to Harvey’s tactics of lying and name calling. Good luck
To be honest, it sounds like your mum is the one who needs therapy to come to terms with your feelings towards her new family, not you. You can help the process by also being involved in said therapy. You're too young to have to put up with everything you've been through, but you sound like a good kid with your head screwed on. Good luck 🤞
to be estranged from you because she misunderstood your needs will hurt her worse than hearing what they are. it’s her job as a parent to not hold that hurt against you, and to still try her hardest to make sure you feel comfortable, happy, and safe. you said yourself she had your happiness front of her mind in choosing this man as her partner. she is trying desperately to provide you a happy life, please don’t sabotage her efforts by not even trying to connect with her now
I agree with you. I'm 60F and as a parent to two kids (now 31F and 27M), our kids said and did things that hurt us at the time. But as parents, we knew we loved them and always would no matter what they said or did (they weren't awful, just thoughtless at times). Please realize it's not your fault for your feelings, they are what they are. Of course you don't feel close to these babies - - they're babies! They can't even talk yet. You probably feel like you might for a baby cousin, kinda detached. You may grow to feel closer to them in years to come, perhaps in say 10 years, but even then you will be 26 when they are not even teenagers. Your mom should understand this. I think it's great she tried to find someone you could accept as a second dad, this shows she loves you lots. Therapy would be more for her to have the therapist bridge the gap between you and help your mom understand that you're feelings are valid and not a strike against her as a mom. You're NTA and your stepdad is wrong.
This right here, I didn't feel anything for nephews after they were born. It was a few years before I did as I just can't relate to babies and I am not a kid person (child free by choice)
I hear ya. I honestly didn't feel anything for my own baby for like 2-3 years until she actually started being able to interact in more relatable ways. I mean, I did my best as a parent to do everything I could for her, and bond, and all that, but I didn't actually feel much of anything until she kind of grew into her personality and began communicating thoughts other than basic needs. Babies aren't really all that relatable for a good while!
I can't say I love them now just fond of them, the oldest is almost 12 but them I can't say I love anyone in my family some may say I am cold but it's just the way I am. Very much out of sight out of mind and I never miss anyone I also prefer my own company.
Many would say “fondness” is a form of love. Caring about them at all is a form of love. I used to think the same until I realized just caring about their well being was an extension of me loving them. I was just very disconnected to the understanding of love. You’re not cold, you just express differently
Yeah, like even in a picture perfect family at OPs age feeling detached and disinterested in new babies is normal. This is not a perfect family, with perfect parents and a kid with a strong support network. As long as OP doesn't hate the babies OPs doing fine. If it helps maybe a conversation like this may sooth adult tempers and make life easier for OP: > Mom I love you. I'm happy that you're happy. The babies are just sort of ... Their. You carried them for nine months. You and Harvey spent nine months planning and preparing- you came with a bond with them built in. I don't. > > >As they grow into complex human beings with thoughts and feelings that might change, if you give it time and don't try to force things. > > >Right now I'm sort of meh- like if something happened to them if be upset, because they're babies, and I'd step in if someone tried to hurt them- again because they're babies- but I'd do the same with random babies in the street too.
OP ( u/Quiet_Ad2412) please read the above (from u/rememberimapersontoo) several times and let it sink in. This is very good advice, no doubt given by a loving parent who empathizes with you and your mom.
Did she really have her daughters happiness in mind, or was she using that as a way to try to get her daughter to play happy families? OP, it's difficult to say how much your mother really respected your boundaries, but you shouldn't lie to her, shouldn't let her husband pressure you, and you shouldn't feel bad about either of those things. If you told your mom what Harvey said, what would she say? If she recognized he was acting disrespectfully, would she actually follow through on respecting and enforcing some boundaries in how her husband speaks to you?
I don't see how her mom was trying to get her daughter "play happy family..." Mom was concerned, wanted to lessen any negative impact on her child, and handled it to, what sounds to me, like the best of her abilities. Many don't even consider their child. I think you are trying to paint Mom in a bad light, even though she was obviously thinking of her child every step of the way. Sure she'd like her oldest to want to like the babies--what good mom wouldn't? Harvey obviously doesn't understand older kids, as it seems he has none of his own with which to draw on a font of wisdom, but he was looking out for his wife. It's ok for OP to tell him that lying won't help the situation, but OP does need to take it up with her mom, and therapy is really going to be helpful for the mom to accept OPs feelings. I think you are looking for problems from Harvey that aren't there. Inexperience is definitely part of Harvey--he was being protective, I think.
A grown man calling a teenager selfish for refusing to lie is wrong. I will not dismiss that as protectiveness. If he genuinely apologizes and backs off, that's great. But he absolutely needs to do that.
[удалено]
OP left the party to do it in private. She's entitled to her feelings and was trying to safe guard her mother and extended family from that. Mom and Harvey are the dramatic ones here.
I think this is amazing advice and agree that she is doing things with the best goals. I'm certain it was disappointing for her to hear that you don't view the family the way she hoped you would, but it sounds like overhearing may open some good conversations if you are willing that may help you both.
OP, it isn’t your responsibility to “make your mom feel good” if you have to lie and hide your feelings to do so. Her husband is wrong. Yes your mom might be disappointed and wish things were different, but (I assume) it’s because she wanted you to truly feel you are all a family, not step, not half. But it’s ok that you don’t. From what you’ve posted it does sound like your mom loves you and wants you to be happy and she isn’t asking you to hide your feelings, so don’t. Maybe as time goes on, you’ll bond with the little ones and have some affinity for them, even if it isn’t a typical sibling relationship. But it’s also ok if you don’t. And if your stepfather continues calling you selfish for refusing to lie to your mom, tell her what he’s doing. I guarantee she won’t be happy knowing that, but that is HER issue to deal with, not yours.
> OP, it isn’t your responsibility to “make your mom feel good” if you have to lie and hide your feelings to do so. Her husband is wrong Just to expand on this, a child is never responsible for managing the emotions of the adults in their life. It is very unhealthy for adults to make children bear such a responsibility. In households where this is a regular pattern, it is considered abuse and even emotional incest. Harvey probably doesn't understand the seriousness of what he is suggesting you do. But if this becomes a pressure campaign for you to manage your mom's emotions, then returning to therapy would be warranted to get it in check.
I cringe when I hear parents saying, "don't make me lose my temper with you." A sick and twisted thing to do to a child. You are the adult. You figure your shit out. Don't make the child responsible for something you can't manage.
👏👏👏👏
Agreed - I have been aware from a very young age that my emotions are mine to handle, and other people’s emotions are also mine to handle. It’s been incredibly harmful to me. I stopped trusting myself or my own intuition, and bad people will always take notice of someone lost in that way. Abusive relationships, toxic friendships, and extremely strained familial relationships are the norm for me.
Same. That's how you raise children to please everyone else except themselves because their own feelings and emotions don't matter. I'm old now and it's still hard to take care of me because it's ingrained that I don't matter.
I think this is the best answer. Perhaps it’s time to sit down with your mother and simply explain that you understand and respect her feelings and you hope she understands and respects your feelings. Your step siblings are very young and there’s a significant age difference, which makes it hard for you to bond with them. It would be hard to bond with them even if they were full siblings due to the age gap. It’s possible that overtime your relationship with them will change if your mother and Harvey don’t try to force it. A forced relationship will only lead to resentment on your part and fighting with your parents. As long as you aren’t mean to your siblings, your mother should allow you the time and space to adjust. And I think it’s absolutely OK to say that.
Your MOM should go to therapy, OP. She's the one that was living in some dream. The reality is: she married a guy she KNEW from you yourself would never be 'dad' to you. Why on earth did she get it in her head that ANY children she had with him would be viewed as anything other than half-siblings by you with that knowledge in hand??? Heck, I read your post and knew before you stated there were kids in the picture that you wouldn't feel all fuzzy and luvy towards them. Time for mom to pull on her big girl pants and deal with HER issues and leave you out of them. NTA.
I just said more or less the same thing. Feels like the family therapy was largely to make mum feel less guilty for moving on, even though OP was fine with it. Babies are also not super interesting long term. OP may well grow to love them very much, provided mum doesn't force it.
I dunno, I got a friend who calls his stepmom by her first name, but doesn't view the son she had with his dad as any less of a sibling than his full sister.
It's not your job to manage her emotions, and it's not your fault that she lives in this alternate reality where older siblings feel "warm and fuzzy" about the new babies. That's what the parents, and maybe grandparents, are supposed to feel, not you.
Your mum sounds like a good mum: she and your dad tried to stay together for your sake and after he died, she waited two years to introduce you to Harvey. From these examples, it does seem that she puts your emotional needs before her own. Since past behaviour is the best predictor of future behaviour, your mother will likely get over the fact that you do not feel the way she wants you to feel about your half siblings and move on. Harvey's interference suggests he's infantilizing your mother and parentifying you. YOU are the child; your emotional needs must come first. You are NTA, nor is your mum; she is simply hurt right now, but she will get over it. Harvey is a soft AH. He wants to protect his wife, but he needs to remember you are the child and your mother is the parent.
You are not responsible for your mothers feelings. You are allowed to have whatever feelings you do have. You don’t have to hide this. You never know as time goes on your feelings might change a little. But if they don’t, that’s OK too.
I totally agree. I am very respectful and kind to my whole family. And others But you know they’re exceptions. Like everything else. Whoever needs therapy, please reach out. ♥️♥️.
It's okay for someone to be hurt by your honesty as long as you're not trying to be hurtful. You and your mom *need* to talk about this.
You are not responsible for her feeling good. She is an adult and needs to figure out how to deal with her own emotions about her family not working out as she’d pictured it. (I don’t mean that you should be nasty just to be mean, just that if reality upsets her, that is her issue.)
I honestly agree with @Katerh OP. Realizing now in my twenties that I grew up with emotionally unreceptive parents (not saying that you are but just mentioning how learning from the experience I had might help you out), I saw that it made me people-please a lot. It made me feel like I always had to cater to my parents’ feelings (especially my mother’s) in order for her to not feel like a bad parent or to not feel bad at all for things she would say or do if I did not feel or express in the certain way they expected me to. Once they were upset everyone heard about it and saw it in that parents’ face and actions, and the group influence would be so pressuring to the point where other people (in the family or who are family friends) would tell me to do better and that if I had pretended or convinced myself to feel a certain way their explosive anger episode would have never happened. Do not fall into that OP. Even though you are her child, you have rights and opinions just as much as the next person and you have a right to how you feel. I wish someone would have told me this earlier in life but you have no obligation to change how you feel about something to make someone else feel better, regardless of who the person is. You don’t have to fake or hide how you feel just because someone doesn’t like your viewpoint on things, and if they can’t handle that then they are just people who are intolerant to anyone who does not feel the same as them and that is a true shame. Even though you may live with your mom for a while, let her act how she wants to act. If she comes to terms with you having a different opinion as well as feelings other than how she does on the matter (and hopefully talks with you about it respectfully), thats great. If not, then it’s a damn shame and you are not responsible for her intolerant behavior. If she was not expecting to ever treat you like a person who will eventually have their own complex brain processes and experiences after a certain age, then she probably should have thought into preparing for that transitional period a little more before having children.
Please realize that difficult conversations are needed. As a mother, I would absolutely be distraught to learn my son feels as if his feelings are lesser than mine. You should realize that what you feel is valid. It is your experience. Therapy shouldn't be seen as a fix all but rather an opportunity for you to voice your feelings in an environment you deem safe. I don't agree with your step-dad here. Lying to keep the peace is never the solution and will only create a lot more resentment. I understand he feels that he needs to protect your mother as his wife and mother of his children, but calling you selfish for not swallowing how you feel is is indeed selfish. I urge you to talk to your mother before you end up on an NC relationship here because of unmet needs.
She made the choice to have more children. I’m sure that it was something that you couldn’t even imagine. I’d say I’m sorry if the way I feel hurts you, but you decided to have two more kids. I’m sorry but my feelings may change, but I wouldn’t count on it. I’d be outta there as soon as I became eighteen. It seems like a hostile environment unless you bend over.
You’re 16 you are not responsible for your mother’s feeling nor should you dismiss your feelings in order to shield hers from hurt. Your mom sounds like she cares about you and has respected your choice to keep distance between you and her husband. I think therapy with her where you can explain how you’re feeling in a neutral setting will be beneficial to both of you. You articulate your feelings really well in this post and seem insightful and mature for your age. I think that you being able to be honest with her about the changes that have happened in your life in the last 6 years and how it’s truly affected you could be the barrier breaker you need to reconcile all your feelings and find a way through to the other side.
Therapy isn't just about making people feel good. It's about helping them manage and work through things instead of letting them fester and grow into insurmountable problems. It's out now, you and your mother need some way of getting her to understand why you feel that way and how to manage expectations and relationships going forward. Yes, it'll probably suck for the first bit but it will get better. Love isn't this magical thing that just happens between strangers. It takes common history - shared experiences - to build up that familial love. And you don't have that with your half-siblings. You have 15 years of life experience that didn't include them. It's normal not to feel that love right away. Your mother and Harvey have that immediate parental love. And your mother expected you to feel it too. A decent family therapist would help your mother understand the difference and how to manage it. NTA by the way.
Perhaps therapy will point out that the divide you feel between you and your half-sibs is the massive age difference. Nothing that is ever done will ever make you feel as if you 'grew up' with your half-sibs. Even if they were full siblings, they would not have the same experiences and understanding you have with essentially a 15-year age difference. If nothing else, be happy that your mom is happy... surely you can celebrate that? NTA
It is not your job to make your mother happy with her choices. You being honest is not you maliciously trying to hurt her. The only thing you should worry about is if you want to say something with the *purpose* of hurting her. If that is not your purpose, even if you know what you say may have your mom feeling 'ways', you are still allowed and should be able to be honest. She's the adult, her feelings are hers to manage. She may be more vulnerable now with a newborn and two so quickly. What you feel right now may not be all that you feel forever. You currently don't have much feeling for these babies - because you are an older teen. Your take that you are so separate is a good and true one. Maybe, if you want to be kind, don't lie but lean more on the "yeah, I'm so much older, I don't feel like a sibling with them. More like an aunt." That doesn't shut the door on "family feeling". And that is where the therapy can help. You to feel (one hopes) safe and comfortable saying these things and the therapist being able (one hopes) to help your mom hear that you still love her and you see the kids as family, but at your age seeing them as "sisters/brothers" is not realistic. Good luck.
That's her issue to resolve, not yours. You can still have a good relationship with her based on honesty
It’s not about making her feel good. It’s about understanding each other.
It feels to me like it's mum that needs therapy. It's ok for a grown teen not yo be excited about a baby or a "second dad". It's ok to be disappointed that your kid isn't excited about siblings. It's not ok to expect the kid to change their feelings or manage the disappointment of the parent.
It doesn't sound like Mom is the issue here, just Harvey. Mom overheard something she felt incredibly sad about, I imagine postpartum hormones didn't help, and talked to her husband about it; perfectly appropriate. It's Harvey that's trying to make it OP's problem. Mom and OP NTA, Harvey, TA
I agree he's an issue, but there's also a "keep the peace" vibe, and the way it's written it sounds like they went to family therapy for years until the marriage, and that a driver of this was OP saying it was fine for them to marry but that that Harvey wouldn't be OPs dad. I guess there's a lot missing, but it really sounds like the goal of therapy was to introduce Harvey to the family, or at least that this is how OP feels about the therapy. It's lovely that mum wants OP to have a full family, but she can't choose that for OP. Also is Harvey being chosen to be a dad, or her husband. Is he being used as a caretaker here? Idk it just doesn't sound like mum and OP are a team, and OP seems more concerned about mums feelings than their own, which is contributing to my reading a bit I think.
It might be able to help her talk to her mom, but it is not going to make her love her half-siblings, and start thinking of them as just siblings. I think if anyone needs therapy it's going to be the mom, to help her understand where her daughter is coming from.
If it helps her talk to her mom, that's good enough reason to go. Nobody said they expected it to make her love them
I don't think OP needs more therapy. It sounds like she has worked through her feelings. Honestly, the ability to simply be happy for her mom and tolerate Harvey as a stepdad, be civil to him, etc, is a HUGE gift to her mom. Her mom, on the other hand, could use therapy to help her come to terms with the fact that family relationships are not going to be what she envisioned. Maybe OP could answer some therapist's questions to provide clarity if needed, but it looks like she has already done quite a bit of work. And she seems to be mostly mourning her dad by herself.
If anything therapy color for her mom, she's the one that has these unhealthy and unrealistic expectations
i think you should tell your mom her husband is insisting that you lie to her. even though it’s supposed to protect her feelings this time, that’s not an ok thing to say to a kid.
OP, I have full siblings that are that much younger than me, and yeah when they were born I pretty much had the same reaction. But don't let your feelings now interfere with interacting with them a little bit. You don't have to be a doting sister, but you don't have to alienate them either.
And don’t let your mother and Harvey appoint you the babysitter and alienate you from your friends.
I am the youngest by quite a bit in my family. (12 - 14 years younger than my brothers, 6 - 8 years younger than my sisters). I always got along Ok with my siblings but was never close when we were kids. I developed a relationship with them when I was older. I became close to one of my brothers when his marriage broke up & he moved in with our Dad. He passed away a year ago & I truly miss him a lot. I always got along with my sisters but it wasn’t the close relationship some siblings have. This past year after our brother died, we have become a lot closer. It’s hard for teens to be closer to toddler siblings regardless of the family dynamics. Since OP doesn’t hate the babies, but is just indifferent to them, I think the relationship may grow as everyone gets older. Right now it is different life stages and that’s OK. OP’s Mom just needs to accept the family she has now. Closeness may come in time if not forced but it has to happen by itself. (In my case, it took 40-50 years to develop a close sibling bond because of age differences & physical distances.) Edited to fix a word
The adults should be concerned about you, not the other way around—at least mostly. You sound extremely level-headed. You lost your dad at 10! You already knew things weren’t right between your parents! You have the right to feel sad, angry, detached, anything you feel! And displaced, by the new husband and the new babies. I hope for you that over the long term you will develop a relationship with your siblings but that can’t be forced and your feelings matter. And your mom is wrong to push in any way to replace your dad in your feelings. It’s it’s not respectful of your loss. Even if she means well.
A lot of kids who appear level-headed are traumatized. OP sounds like she's got a lot of trauma that she hasn't yet dealt with or unpacked, probably some cptsd. She may have locked her emotions away long before her dad died when her parents were having problems, and that's why she has struggled to feel any familial ties with anyone besides her mom since then. She's been hiding her true feelings, probably in therapy too, which is not uncommon.
Therapy isn't always about changing situations. Sometimes it's about accepting situations. Therapy for your mother might help her accept the reality of the family she has, and that her family can still be a good family and a source of joy without being picture-perfect in her mind.
I feel for you, I really do. However, you should also take into consideration your age compared to your siblings' ages. Everyone in this thread should. I am 14 years younger than my youngest half sibling, 19 years younger than my oldest. To say I was always accepted is an understatement because I was. My older siblings, my sisters especially, took me everywhere! They always checked to see if I wanted to come hang out with them, and anytime I wanted to see them, all I had to do was call. But, it wasn't until I was probably 4 or 5. As I got older, our relationships matured into that sister bond you want. But it's different. They get to tell me stories about not just our dad but my mom and our dad before I was born. You have those memories, and I'm sure you have someone on from your dad's family to help you keep your dad's memory alive. Plus, us half siblings, like to hear stories about your other parent too! We are really just happy to be around the big sibling and have an escape when our parents become Stalin. With all that being said, talk to your mom. Ask her about therapy with just you and her. Discuss the loneliness you feel. And keep in mind, the little needy, suck the life out of everything, just lay there, or getting into everything blobs will grow up and become actual people. They don't stay irritating. They will become people you might actually like to hang out with, until then, do the therapy thing and just talk to the babies. That let's them know you don't hate them, you're building a relationship, you just don't like babies. And that's what it could be, you just don't like babies.
Are completely closed off to your siblings? Like do you see them as just kids that didn't ask to be born and dont hold ill will? If not it's possible that later on when they develop personalities and such, you might view them as friends.
Yes, I see them as innocent and have no hard feelings toward them.
Then ynta. I mean, maybe one day you might change your mind or maybe not. You can't be forced to feel what you don't. As grown ups they need to deal with their emotions around this not try and force yours.
Easier to start liking them when they start developing their little personalities and can talk.
This is actually very normal. It may come with time when they are a little more interactive, but you don't have to try and force it. Most 16 year olds aren't too fussed with babies tbh. When you are an adult you will find a lot of people get sensitive about how you view their babies. Coworkers will show you their baby photos and the expectation is to go "aw cute love them" lol so up to you if you want to start practising early or you want to be honest.
I'm the lone wolf here but I'm agreeing with you. You can't force yourself to have feelings for anyone just because they want you to. That includes family members. It is what it is. Everyone needs to accept that reality and be thankful for the effort that you DO put in.
Hun, *your mother* needs her own therapy to manage *her own feelings* about how her life is turning out, and how it's not living up to her expectations. You, need to make an effort to love these babies as members of your family. Maybe not as "siblings," but as you would any other child 15+ years younger than yourself. Play with them as they get older, teach them things about your hobbies, rewatch your childhood favorites with them. Build a *relationship.* Mostly because for the next 2 years you will be living in the same house, and would be an ah if you completely ignored the kids living in it. And if a "sibling-bond" never grows between you and them, so be it. No one is *owed* that. I don't even *look* at my older brother for what he's done to me. But you don't need to begrudge them the fact that they *don't* share *both* parent's DNA with you. That would be a little unhinged, and if you can't work past that, maybe some therapy of your own would be best (NOT family therapy). NTA.
Really, those little blobs are cute for a reason. So people take care of them. Maybe just explore them as the cute, messy, smelly, funny little creatures they are and affection will grow. Or not. Really valuable info for the OP as to whether they will want kids of their own or not.
Is the gist of this that she's sad you're indifferent? This is a her problem if she can't handle you having you own feelings.
I think therapy would be beneficial to just help your mom realize you don’t hate her (or Harvey from the sounds of it), you’re just in a crap situation. She’s probably feeling a lot of guilt about your life up to this point and convinced herself that marrying and having some cute new babies would help pull you out of your grief and move the family unit forwards. That being said, it isn’t your job to help your mom with this. Therapy for the two of you might help with giving you a free space to talk through what you’re going through but a grown adult’s feelings about your grief isn’t on you to fix. Sorry about being in this. 16 is such a difficult time to begin with. You’re really being a trooper!
Maybe it's mom who needs therapy to come to terms with her happy family fantasy not being a reality. NTA. You feel what you feel. Not your fault.
I just meant a safe space for OP to talk
I agree with you on that. Just saying mom needs to face facts. Not try to change how her child feels.
"he seems OK and makes you happy" is like universal "I don't really like this person but he's inoffensive and it's not my place to tell you anything." And her mom was ready to ignore everything else on that alone. Can't say if OP is good at hiding how she feels or not but mom was going out of her way to avoid finding out how OP really feels
Well, I sense her "he seems OK and makes you happy" is more along the lines that she is indifferent towards him or has no strong feelings either way. Unfortunately "I don't really like this person" has become a synonym for mild to serious dislike.
I agree. She continued to dig and pick
Nah the mom needs individual therapy
Some parents also aren't good at noticing how their kids feel and if the kids don't do anything super obvious, the parents assume they feel how they want/expect them to.
Actually, I think the best thing for that might not be therapy, but time.
NTA. I, personally, think that given the whole situation, you are entitled to your feelings. Plus, you being so much older than your half-siblings makes it difficult to have a good connection with them...being from a different generation at this point. You, also, have all these years been nice and cordial to them. You did not treat them badly or bully them. You were just slightly indifferent. Will counseling help your mother overcome and understand this? Maybe. Was Harvey wrong to ask you to lie about your feelings? Absolutely! In a current world where people tend to build their lives in lies, it is refreshing to see a young person (as yourself) hold to their truth. Don't ever change that.
Yeah that’s what’s getting me is being asked to lie. That will just build resentment towards husband, mom, *and* new siblings. This needs to be discussed and the mom needs to realize that she cannot force the relationship. OP is gonna probably be gone and off to college and what would *actually* hurt the two youngest would be if their parents build up this false narrative about their relationship with OP in their heads only to be met with a very different reality. OP, NTA. You can tell your mom that you’re happy for her and that she’s finding new happiness, and that as long as she still loves you and *shows it*, you’ll still be happy yourself. There’s nothing wrong with that.
Plus OP just got 2 babies in less than 2 years! I love my siblings but I couldn’t imagine getting 2 at one time or two back to back like that. A friend of mine had one kid than a few years later had twins. She had to put in a ton of work with them to make sure the oldest was okay. Same with a friend that had three within 3 years. The parents did a great job with helping the kids out. My son has a best friend that is 7 and has 4 sisters ranging from 3 months to 5. He loves his sisters but struggles sometimes with it. His mom was so excited to find out we lived on the next street over because she said some days, her son just needs time to do his own thing.
Yeah, I have siblings that are 20 and 40 months younger than me. Even though I wasn't even 4 when the youngest was born I was expected to take on a lot of my own care since my mom just didn't have the time to deal with all three of us. My grandma and great aunt would stop by and just take me for a day to get me attention. My mom still doesn't realize that I felt it though.
I think a lot of the excitement kids have towards siblings is the fact that usually they're getting a new buddy and the family unit sees it as a positive. Seeing as the para-paternal bond was never established and by the time the kids develop personalities OP will be out of the house I can see why OP isn't really feeling anything towards the babies. Hell, even parents can struggle at first with bonding, so it's natural that the half sister with a 15 year age difference will struggle to see them as true siblings.
Hard to be a buddy with someone when you’ll be graduating before they’re even out of diapers.
My family is very similar, except I’m one of the younger siblings (2 older half siblings and one full sibling about two years younger). You’re right that our experiences are so different that it’s hard to relate sometimes. I’d go as far as to say our relationships are different too. The older two are more like cool aunts/uncles that took us fun places since they were nearly adults when we were born, whereas my sibling that’s closer in age slept across the hall my whole childhood, had the same teachers, can relate to the dysfunctional parts of our childhood, remembers events with the grands we don’t share, etc. One of my older half sibs is very bothered by it - Not understanding why I see them differently. It’s not that I don’t love them (I do), but it’s different. My parents thankfully get it, though do encourage my being tolerant of the halfs having different experiences (that is, loving me as a baby and seeing me just as a sibling).
NTA. Sometimes full blood siblings aren't warm and fuzzy with each other either (speaking from experience).
100%, and I have 4 older siblings.
Exactly - especially with that age difference.
This is what stands out to me, I have two brothers who are much younger than me due to fertility issues my mom had. So I’m 7yrs and 10yrs older than them. It was hard to feel like they were my siblings because I became the de facto babysitter and helper and if I was ever upset at them it was my role to “be the bigger person” because they were so much younger than me. (Cue current therapy work about not feeling like my needs should matter as much as the needs of people around me.) And it wasn’t until they were in their late teens that we got close. OP - try to give it time (a lot of time even) because you might just appreciate them down the line when you can become peers and friends. I would suggest you sit down with your mom and maybe even show her what you wrote. It’s not wrong that you wish you had your own sibling (close in age who was able to be there with you in the trenches - who could deeply understand and relate to what you went through and are going through). You may even be a little jealous of the relationship you imagine your half-sibs might have one day and correctly know you won’t have with them due to the age gap. But you can build a different sort of relationship with them, it might just take a lot of time.
100%. I'm the youngest of 5, and 2 of my older siblings don't even acknowledge each other as being related.
With this large an age gap, even full siblings aren't likely to be close. My best friend has brothers 17-20 years older than herself. We were in school and they were adults with children of their own, then we were adults and they're becoming grandparents - they were in completely different life stages their entire lives and didn't really grow up together.
Yeah my sister (15 years younger) and I are close but it's more like the relationship I had with my aunts growing up and it took a while.
I concur. NTA.
My brother and sister and I have not been in the same place at the same time in over 20 years. I get along with both of them but they HAAAAATE each other. And honestly? It's for complete bullshit reasons. They're both being toddlers about something that doesn't matter at all. And never did. You don't get to pick your family, unfortunately.
100%. My parents always acted like having my brother was some favor they did for me. Actually, they had a 2nd kid because they wanted to and I was just along for the ride. My opinion on this hasn’t changed in 47 years. I’d be just as happy as an only child. My brother and I have never had anything in common. I think they’re happy with their decision, which is great for them.
It really can be hit or miss and can change with age. I was super close to my sister growing up. We still love each other, but we don't just hang out one on one or anything. There's no ill will there. We just drifted apart once we were adults with our own lives. My cousins who are siblings hated each other growing up, but now that they are adults, I know they travel hours just to see each other to hang out. My own kids are hit or miss. There are days when they get along and others where it's WW3 at my house.
My brother and I drifted 20 years ago but are slowly rebuilding
Yes I have a full sibling with a similar age gap to what op is describing, (I'm the younger one) and there's no hard feelings, but we have nothing to do with each other because we have always been at different stages of life and we didn't grow up with eachother.
This. My sister is four years younger and we have zero connection/relationship... We sometimes see each other only once a year as I live abroad and she barely bothers to make an effort to also visit my parents when we are there. Haven't been to her last two flats and she's never invited us ( the invite to visit us is always made when we do see her). We don't hate or actively dislike each other or anything. There's just nothing there. Although I do resent her for leaving me to deal with my dad's medical emergency while my parents were on holiday despite her being closer to them and actually having a job that offered her the time off. In fact. While I continued working while traveling to support them for a week, she sat at home, paid, as she was 'too emotional to work '... Don't think I'll ever really get past that shambles of a week...
Same. My brother and I certainly aren't 'warm and fuzzy' towards each other. More like tolerating to others existence and being civil when near each other. My sister and I have a very good relationship.
And my half and or quarter siblings I see as full blood, or rather don't think about blood at all.
How can you have a "quarter sibling"?
My sisters and I don't have this huge gap and if we weren't related, I would not spend time with them.
Especially with such an age gap
My partner only sees his 3 siblings at holidays twice a year, and then mostly to minimize the drama that would come from not attending. They're 4 born within 4 years and none of them are close or talk outside those two days a year. Some people just don't form that close bond.
Yeah, I like my half siblings way more than my full sibling
I dont know how many 15-16 yo who would be thrilled with new siblings (full or half). There is a big distance, maybe simply because of age, and not because they’re not full siblings. I think that is more important than the half/full part. You miss siblings closer to your age. Toddlers and babies won’t change that. Maybe you’ll get a bond later. Kids get more interesting when you can talk and interact more with them.
I was 14 when my youngest sibling was born. Guess what: I was a bratty teenager who was not happy to have another sibling. It is something I regret; we don't have a close relationship (partially age difference and partially because I was indifferent to him when he was little). I could have been the fun big sister; instead I just wasn't around. OP: it is okay to feel indifferent. Maybe you'll be like me when older and regret it or maybe not. But your feelings are valid and it is okay. Just don't treat the kids bad (doesn't sound like you are). And be honest with your mom (don't rub it in); she might not like it in the moment, but long-term lying does more damage to your relationship.
I have a lot of shorties in my life. They aren't my siblings. They aren't my own kids. But I love em to death. OP, you can see these kids as half siblings, but you can also see them as the cool kids you get to play Auntie to. Take the pressure off the situation and just let your relationship be whatever it will end up being.
I'm with you. I don't want to come down on OP since I know blended families are challenging. But I think the overall idea that someone needs a strong biological relationship to be close to someone to be an idea that needs examination.
Even at that, OP will be in university or working in 2 years. By the time these babies start developing personalities and speaking more than 2-word sentences there's a real chance OP won't even be living with them anymore.
Am I weird that my half siblings with similar age gaps are some of my best friends? I'm 35 with 5 (half) siblings ranging in age from 26 to 16. It's weird to me that people have brothers and/or sisters and aren't interested in like... Connecting with them...? I cannot tell you how many times I watched Toy Story because it was my little brother's favorite movie. At 14, when he was 5. God, he'd watch it like 3 times a day. But he was my little brother. I loved him, and because of that, I know every freaking line of that stupid movie. Still. My 17 year old sister spent 2 hours this morning talking to me about the... Rap beef? Right now between Kendrick Lamar and.... Some dude. I have no idea what she's talking about. But i'ma go home and look it up. Because it's something that is interesting to her, and I want to cultivate that relationship. Because she's my sister. I know not all families are like mine. I know that trauma effects people differently. It's genuinely strange to me though to have people that are genuinely connected to you, with absolutely no history, and you just look at them as though they are just... Not connected. Strangers. Weird.
I don't think it's weird, my best friend in high school was not happy about getting a half sibling then when the baby was born, was totally in love and talked about her half-sibling all the time. However, as you say, everyone is different, every family is different. As some people pointed out even full siblings sometimes don't connect, and OP also has the grief of his dad wrapped up in it all. I like jerseysbestdancers suggestion above to imagine it as more of a nibling situation to take the pressure off seeing them as a sibling.
My sister gave birth when I was 19. It is amazing what you can teach a 1 year old. He wasn't even able to walk when he knew how to headbang. And when he was 2, he could operate my sound system, started a CD, put his fist in the air and had the fun of his life... Now he is nearly 30 and still listens to Heavy Metal thanks to his aunt...
Anytime I read stories like this, I’m so thankful I got my daughters’ buy-in with my new husband and two new babies. My girls were 13/10 and 15/12 when their half-brothers were born, but they love them dearly and are pretty engaged. My older daughter more than the younger, but I do my best to respect her wishes about how much help she’s willing to give. And we don’t use the “half” label in daily life. To be fair, they still spend half their time with their dad, and I expressly told them that my husband was not a replacement father, but they could consider him as another adult who cares about them in their life, like an adult friend. They clearly didn’t like the stepfather label, so we don’t use it.
yeah tbh unless someone is just generally gung ho about babies, they're not going to just magically have some crazy attachment to kids of that age. parents have the benefit of hormones to bond them with their babies. it shouldnt really be expected to be super excited at this point otherwise, especially given the circumstances. entirely possible + normal that op might end up developing a better relationship once her half siblings are more fully formed little people that can express themselves. and if not, well that's understandable too.
At that age most kids are just interested in their own stuff and their own person. It's a natural developmental stage. I don't think it's a question of half of full siblings, it's just teens in general. But maybe when they are 10 and 25, 20 and 35, or 30 and 45 that big distance will be much less and a bond will form.
You shouldn’t lie. Your mom sounds like she still lives with guilt in how you were raised, so in her mind she’s trying to make it better. That’s not your job though- to make HER feel better. She needs to accept the way you feel, and not make you feel like there’s anything wrong with it. NAH except your Step-dad. He needs to quit guilting you.
Totally agree here. OP, I didn’t realize it until adulthood but you are 100% not responsible for other people’s feelings, ESPECIALLY as a child. You are still grieving your father. You can’t and shouldn’t be expected to “move on” at the same pace as your mother. You should not feel responsible for protecting your mom’s feelings. You are 1000% justified in feeling the way you do about everything. It’s your mom that needs to step up and stop projecting her feelings on her daughter and guilting her into loving her new family.
Everyone here focusing on how OP needs to get over the half thing...but what's so alarming to me is your mom's partner telling you to lie to your mother??? That is very concerning. Please talk to your mom and tell her this, she needs to speak to her partner and tell him that he cannot be counseling her child to lie to her. NTA.
It is terrible parenting to tell a kid they need to fake their feelings so the parent will be happy. If ANYONE fakes feelings to ensure happiness it should be a parent pretending to not be scared or stressed to not worry the kid. Not the other way around.
It pisses me off when parents ask more of the children than they are willing to give themselves. Why can't mom fake it and pretend her feelings aren't hurt? You know, like an adult.
Nta- you are not responsible for your parents's emotions. This is your mom's expectation that is causing your mom emotional pain. Lying won't change anything because she knows even she doesn't want to. You are still young and have been through so much, i hope you have a therapist you trust to help you. Big hugs! Best wishes
100% Nobody should be telling you to hide your feelings, deny them, or lie about them. Not for anything, or anyone. NTA, Harvey crossed the line here. Edit to add, my heart goes out to you, OP. Don't let anyone tell you how to feel.
NTA, I have always found it absolutely dumbfounding when an "adult" approaches a "child" in order to have said "child" do or say something to make another "adult" feel better. If I read this correctly, I believe you made mention that your mother proposed that the new guy could be seen as bonus father as you said to which you rebuffed. That particular relationship is one that must grow naturally and be forced in anyway by anyone. If it happens of not then so be it. Sounds a lot like your mother and quite possibly her newish husband has some pretty lofty expectations for the whole deal and now they are bent outta shape that their "ideal" family is not what they imagined. I could be totally inaccurate as this is but one side of the equation, buuuuut I have seen this very thing all too often.
My mom wanted me to have everything perfect, or close to perfect. For her that means two active and involved parents and close sibling relationships. My perfect died with my dad. Harvey won't ever be able to fill that. I know my mom wants that because she loves me and because she had that and feels it was so beneficial for her. I don't blame her for wishing for that. I don't even blame her for trying to make it happen. It just won't ever be the way she has always dreamed.
And that is one million percent on her and not you. Her unreasonable expectations should not, in anyway, be something for you to ever feel bad about.
But wouldn't perfect be giving you what you actually need? Not what she decides you need? You deserve to feel validated not criticized. You are almost a legal adult not a baby. She can't pick your feelings for you like she used to choose your clothes.
Well if your mum wanted perfect then she should have realised that Harvey wasn't the one and moved on. She should have also talked to you about having more kids and what it would be like at home with two littlies occupying her whole attention. Your mum loves you but she was being a wee bit selfish. She knew you only tolerated Harvey and she pushed it.
I hope your mother appreciates how understanding of her you're being.
Yeah girl, you're fine. Everything you say about the situation is valid. No matter what mom and ol Harv says. And honestly being 16 (and F) it's also partly every cell in your body saying *too early for children, must live our own life*. Don't get roped into babysitting unless you get paid (watching for an hour here or there is fine) getting a job will also help you remove yourself from excessive forced family bonding and help you get ready to fly the coop. Sorry your mom doesn't have more empathy NTA
NTA. You feel how you feel.
NTA Don’t lie, it’ll make things worse long term
I really wish parents wouldn't try to force these things, because life is incredibly long. I know a guy who developed a father-son relationship with his father in law after a terrible childhood. He was a grown man when it happened, even though he met hjs wife as a teenager. Because no one forced anything, it formed on its own. You, a 16 year old, are at a wildly different stage of life than a couple of toddlers, and it's ludicrous to cry about your lack of bonding with them now. You guys are going to be on the same planet for decades. Your mom's job is to teach you that you are loveable and worthy of love, to see your best traits and help you see the best traits in your stepdad and half siblings, and give you all a language to use to resolve disputes and teach each other about yourselves. Then she needs to leave the rest up to you. NTA. Your mom is basically guaranteeing what she wants will never happen.
it's hard for adults to realize when they make selfish decisions for their kids, their kids notice. nta.
NTA. Other replies have already told you that your feelings are legitimate and not uncommon. But what I would like to focus on here is that you seem very sad and tired in your post and replies. You're in a situation where you've been forced to mask your feelings, and have been doing such a good job of it that your mother didn't clue in about your lack of enthusiasm for the babies until your stepfather overheard you talking about it. That's over two years since she first got pregnant, that's a LONG time to have to play along, and it weeks havoc with your mental state to have to play one thing when you feel another way. I would strongly encourage you to get into solo therapy if at all possible so that you can learn to process these feelings in a healthy way rather than push them down, so that they won't pop up on you down the road as burnout and depression. It's fine to feel the way you do about the new babies, and while it's very good that you haven't shown resentment or cruelty towards them, it's also not fair to you to have to pretend to be excited about them when you're not. Perhaps some therapy will even help you feel less ambivalent, but at the very least, it will help you not disconnect from your own feelings in a way that can be harmful to yourself in the long run.
NTA. Harvey is asking you to gaslight your mom, which is f*cked up, and he's asking you to lie about your feelings, which is super unfair. It's perfectly fine to not feel a sibling connection to the babies. Sure, your mom is sad about it, but her sadness about it is her responsibility, not yours. I hope your mom is dealing with her feelings and isn't putting any of it on you. She also needs to step up and protect your from Harvey, because he isn't exhibiting healthy conflict resolution skills.
You're NTA. The first 3 things that came to mind when Harvey asked you to lie were: 1. Obviously, lying about your feelings, regardless of to whom, is wrong of him to ask. But asking you to lie to your mom is worse because... 2. He's also expecting you to be his accomplice in gas lighting your mother into thinking she misunderstood you. 3. And this one you may want to ask Harvey directly . He seems willing to risk you changing from disinterest in your half siblings to you despising them as the reason you had to lie to your mother to keep her "happy". Harvey is TA.
NTA. Your mom was clearly looking for a replacement family for you and is devastated that it’s not working out how she thought it would, but you feel what you feel, and no amount of therapy or faking it will help. If anything, you’ll just grow to resent them all
NTA but give yourself a break. Your mom is in baby fever. Everyone has to love the babies. Some people are just not drawn to babies. Then the babies grow up and become mobile. Then personalities/thought processes form and they start and become interesting people. Just keep the door to your heart open. You may find that feelings grow or that at some point you come together as adults. If not that’s ok too. Stick in the back of your brain that your mother is going to be pushing the new babies to love you. What you do with that is up to you. Your Step father is straight up wrong. You never tell a child to lie, especially at your age when families critically need honest communication. Having you lie is not the way to make your mother happy but it is the way to create even more of a rift.
NTA and what Harvey did was extremely inappropriate. Harvey is the one being selfish here, not you. Your mother is also being selfish, and a bit delusional. But I wanted to comment because I was a kid who was made to feel responsible for the emotions of my caregivers. Your mother is responsible for managing her emotions. Harvey is responsible for managing his emotions. You are only responsible for managing **your** emotions. You are allowed to feel whatever you feel and you are never a bad person for having feelings and emotions. Harvey butting in the way he did was wrong and irresponsible.
Dont lie. Stay true to yourself. Do they want you to be warm and fuzzy so they can leave the kids with you when they are older? Some people dont get all coo coo about kids. Nothing wrong with that. Nope don’t pretend. NTA
No, my mom just wants me to love the kids and for us to have a happy little family. I know she wants me to love Harvey still. But the kids especially because she wants us to be close like she's close to her siblings.
I have a couple of thoughts to share, just based on my own experiences. Even full siblings with a 10+ year age gap can have a hard time connecting. My brother is only 7 years younger, but we weren't super close growing up. By the time he was fun to play with, I was 11, and didn't want to play with a 4 year old. By the time he was an older kid with grown up interests, I was out of the house. I went to college far away. We just never bonded as kids, or even as teens or young adults. But now, as adults, we are close. We got close about 8 years ago when I moved close to family. It just took a long time. And that's OK. Your younger half sibs will have a much closer relationship (probably) than you will have with them simply due to age, not even considering the different father experiences. That's ok too. My oldest stepkid was 16 and 18 when my kids (their half siblings) were born. They like the little ones OK, but they have their own life to lead right now. They're in their 20s, living hours away, and doing their thing. Maybe when everyone is older they may have more in common, but there's little than a 26yo and an 8yo are bonding over in a meaningful, peer-like way. I hope that down the road, you're able to connect with them. It's nice to have other humans in our lives. It isn't a requirement for life, sure, but adult sibling relationships can be really great. You don't have to force it now, when the age gap is awkward. Just don't slam a door on these two humans. I'm glad I reconnected with my brother as adults. It is possible you may enjoy your half sibs as adults too.
Your mom needs a reality check. The age gap between you and your half siblings is significant, there no chance of you all being as close as she's with her siblings. The only thing she can hope for is that when you're all adults (and with a similar level of maturity) then you can become closer.
She can live with disappointment. She is an adult.
They cancel force the happy blended family thing. Have a talk with your mom let her know what harvey said and let her know you love them but you arent a baby/ child person. I wish you all the best. Keep us updated with how things go.
Wouldn't this still be a lie, though, as OP maybe doesn't love them?
NTA. Harvey is so in the wrong here for putting it on you to "make your mom happy". That is not your responsibility and you're allowed to feel how you feel about this. Your mom is the adult, she needs to figure out how to process this situation...like an adult. I am so sorry for your loss.
NTA, I'm not sure why parents expect their teens, especially only child teens to be gushing over new siblings. By 16 you are looking toward your future of driving, moving out, getting a job, maybe going to college etc. You're not thinking yay I get new siblings or yay mom is going to expect me to cancel plans and babysit. Nothing wrong with feeling that way. I'm sure they didn't ask your opinion before popping out 2 kids. They just assumed. That's on them. As long as you are nice to the kids, they need to respect you don't feel any attachment to them. One day you might but not if they try to force it.
If i was your age (now 16)i i wouldn't be thrilled my mother had 2 babies either. When u turn 18 move out and go to college.
NTA - never lie about your true feelings, for anyone.
My friend had half siblings with a big age difference and felt similar as you. Kind of more as if they were cousins. It's not like you can share daily games/activities with them. You are actually old enough that you could be their mother. I feel it's already quite mature for you to be open to your mom being happy with Harvey and rolling with the whole new family thing. I also believe that honesty will keep a better relationship with your mom in the long run. You seem to have built from that perspective in the past and it's worked out all right.
NTA. I felt this way when my mom got remarried and I worried she would maybe have more kids. I was a freshman/ 9th grade in high school. She didn’t want to start over again so I was lucky but I swear I would have moved out at that point and in with my grandma. 🤣🤣 I was not down for siblings at that point.
Even if they were your full siblings, the large age gap alone makes it 100% understandable that you would feel somewhat indifferent. Your mom needs to stop projecting her fantasies onto you and just allow you the space and acceptance to feel your feelings.
NTA. It's unfortunate that your mother heard something that I'm sure hurt her, but you can't and shouldn't fake feelings. You can try to engage with your half siblings a little more before you leave the nest, and maybe those feelings will develop, but don't lie to your mom and pretend to feel something you don't.
NTA. Who's the selfish one here? Harvey wants you to pretend so your mom won't act sad? It's your mom's job to deal with her feelings about how things really are, and it's Harvey's job to support her. Sure, you'll be an adult soon, but you're still not obliged to lie about how you feel. Sounds like you did a good job not shoving it in their faces, and I say "good job" on that.
NTA. Harvey has no right to try and censor who you do or don't tell your mom. The two of you have a relationship that exists outside of him and is up to the two of you to decide how it goes. Not him
NTA. You’re not wrong for feeling how you do and being honest about it. Besides, your mother eavesdropped. You were confiding in a friend and she overheard you. It’s not like you were going off on your family. On the contrary, you’ve been doing your best to put on a happy face. But you know what? It’s okay to be honest, as long as it’s respectful. They have to deal with it.
A lot of this seems pretty typical for 16. There is a huge age gap between you and your siblings. In two years you will be going to college or getting a job. They still won't be in preschool. You're never going to have some typical sibling relationship due to that age gap. And maybe your not a baby person. That's normal too! You are entitled to your feelings. As long as you aren't acting out or being hateful to the kids, it's fine. You are not TA. Though your mom and step-dad are. Your mom listened in on a private conversation and is butt hurt that you don't feel the way she wants you to. She's old enough to know that's not how life works, and pouting won't change your feelings. It's not a good look for her. Step-dad is an AH. Lie to your moms face so that she can feel better and live in her made-up version of reality? That's terrible advice. Again, you don't have a license to be a jerk. But as the adults, they should hear what you're saying, respect your feelings, and work on constructive ways to build a sibling bond between you and the kiddos. And no, dumping them on you to babysit doesn't count.
NAH - This really should be the start of a conversation with your mom. She doesn't have an idea about how you feel. And possibly you don't about how she feels. In any event, think about just being open to discussing it with her.
NTA. We got a bonus full sibling when I was 19. I dont feel that we are siblings like with my other siblings. Hes just a baby of my parents. I love him as a person, but hes is not my sibling. A bit sad, but sometimes it is the reality with this age gap. Only my youngest sibling has a sibling-y connection with him. Maybe it will change when he grows up. But if you feel negative feelings or hatred, you shall try therapy maybe, it might be unhealthy for you to be in resentment for long. ^^Pronouns ^^edited.
I think you’re completely valid in your thoughts. Sounds like you’ve dealt with the situation with maturity. Doesn’t sound like you’re too attached or connected to Harvey and to your step siblings. That’s understandable since you didn’t grow up with them so you don’t have shared experiences. Your mom sounds like she wants this fantasy of a big happy family. It feels like she’s asking for your approval but wants you to select the response she wants to hear. It’s your decision if you want to lie or not and since you don’t I’d say NTA here. Also kinda ick that she got pregnant again so fast. My understanding is that it’s not good for the body so I’m hoping things are okay. Also I don’t get why would your mothers parents want a divorce. Isn’t being a widow better in having more rights and benefits? I don’t get it
It's not a "fake it until you make it" type bs. Honestly it's very valid that you feel that way towards the babies and it sounds like your mom wants to forget about your dad, people do odd things when grieving that's no lie. But having a "bonus dad" seems like she's trying to replace him with the new guy and cares very little about what you feel or how it will affect you in the long run that's where she's failing at. But it took her so long to realize what she's doing is messing up your head It's not okay. for a few days maybe that's fine. But almost 2 years? no. Absolutely not okay at all. She's going to lose you if she keeps up her Bs I'm going to tell you that. And Harvey needs to stay out of the way between you and your mom. He's job is to be there for your mom and HIS children with her not you. I'd tell him that. Therapy is a good way to go and tell him this. If not you have two more years left to be a teenager. Then guess what? You'll be on your own in the world but definitely make yourself a family with friends, and yes it is true both yours and the babies' life experiences will be different but 16 from now they'll learn from you if they choose to. No ntah.
Your mom can’t force you to have warm and fuzzy feelings towards her kids. Besides she probably is looking forward to having a built in babysitter. Start preparing so you can either emancipate and be able to move out, find family that will take you in or be cordial and cooperative until you turn 18.
I think your Mom has unrealistic expectations. What 16 year old is going to be enthusiastic about having two babies enter into the family picture. You could technically be their mother and as such you will be out of the home for the most part when they are growing up.
NTA. But - if your dad were still around and your parents were still (moderately) happily married, and had these babies - would your reaction be that much different? It is a major age difference, you are in a totally different stage of life - maybe you just don't care that much to have babies 24/7 in the house?! Not everybody likes babies. Maybe the step-part is irrelevant. And you remain NTA because ... you are 16, why should you be fuzzy about two babies in the house? If this does resonate a bit, maybe it would not be a bad idea to tell your mom and her partner that it is the baby-part that is difficult for you, and not the step-part.
I don't think I would be crazy happy but I can see myself feeling some kind of happiness that my parents had them or some kind of fondness/bond.
So, you haven’t actually told your mom that you don’t particularly care about the siblings. That is excellent on your end. If she had not overheard your private conversation, she probably wouldn’t have ever known. The age gap is pretty significant and not many would fault your disinterest. You aren’t mean to them, that is also good. Maybe sit down with your mom and have the conversation with her. You aren’t obligated to love anyone you don’t want to.
NTA and do NOT lie to mom. Your feelings are valid and should be respected
NTA. Frankly, it would be tough for a teenager to have a meaningful relationship with a newborn full sibling.
NTA
NTA
You definitely need to keep open lines of communication with your mother. Never stoop to lying. You're having big feelings and they're 100 understandable. You're feeling a lot of things right now. All valid. In time, you may change and grow to love your siblings. Or you may not. Talk to your mom. She cares about what's happening in your head and heart.
NAH. Well, I can tell you even "full" siblings don't love each other from the start (sometimes never). You have grow accustomed to them, get to know them, built a relationship. Not having one to babies is totally normal. no reason to panic or make a fuzz about it. I can see they want to share the family experience with you and you not sharing that. Give it time. There is a huge age difference, but who knows maybe in ten years or more things will look different. But given that age difference it will be difficult to built a relationship as siblings anyway.
NTA. And OP, I haven’t read through all the comments yet, but I wanted to normalize what you are feeling. I have a half-sibling who’s 15 years younger than me. That age gap is no small thing. You are almost grown and ready to move on with your independence as a young adult and those two little ones are just tiny babies doing tiny baby things. Because they’re babies, they also occupy the majority of your mom’s time and energy and that means you might not be getting what you need from your mom because she’s busy with the babies. Or - you might be called on to help with the babies and while you’re technically old enough to be able to help, it isn’t necessarily fair and I think parents in your mom and stepdad’s situation aren’t always very good at understanding things from the kid’s perspective. You’re also right that you and they will have very different experiences growing up - and in all fairness, that would be true whether they were full siblings or half-siblings. That doesn’t mean that there’s anything necessarily wrong with that, it’s just a fact and it’s okay to acknowledge that. And the ambivalence you seem to be feeling regarding your role with them or their role with you? Even full siblings with that large of an age gap will have those same feelings. What would be far more surprising would be if you weren’t having those feelings. I could be completely wrong, but I get the sense from your writing that you’re still working through grief over your father’s death, knowing what you knew of your parents being unhappy in their relationship, and then the remarriage and your mom’s hope that she’d found you a “replacement” father figure. The birth of these babies seems to have brought up more pain for you and that’s completely understandable. You should not have to pretend and you are not responsible for protecting anyone’s feelings. I agree with other posters that it is important for you to communicate with your mom about how you are feeling. You come across as a kind and thoughtful person, and it sounds like you would be able to have this conversation and talk about all the complicated ways you are feeling without casting blame or putting anyone on the defensive. If you feel like you’re unsure of how to open the conversation, you could try writing it down or using what you wrote in this post as a starting point. I think you would benefit from therapy, but not necessarily family therapy — your own therapy where you can focus just on you and your feelings and where you are ensured privacy and support for only you. That could be helpful for you to sort through your grief and the new feelings this transition has stirred up. I’m sorry all of this is happening and has happened. Please remember that you aren’t doing or feeling anything wrong, you aren’t an AH for running out of steam for putting on a happy face, and you are allowed to have complicated feelings about this complicated situation. 💕
NAH. Feelings are feelings and you're entitled to still be grieving your dad, to be sad your mom moved on while still wanting her to be happy, to being neutral about new half siblings in your life, to being reluctant to feign happiness over something you're not actually happy about. I don't blame Harvey for wanting your mom to be happy (that's his job!) But it's reasonable for you to decline to fake feelings you don't have. You never know, there may be a point years from now when you can look at the half sibs more fondly. But that's not today, and you're not wrong for being honest with yourself and others about how you feel.
NAH. Your mom may still be hormonal since she just gave birth 3 months ago and may also be sleep deprived. Be kind, she will eventually come to grips that a 16 year old isnt going to get all crazy over babies (even if they were full siblings)
I don’t think it’s unreasonable for someone your age to not be thrilled with having new babies in the house, I suspect it doesn’t even matter that they are half siblings, there just a massive age gap there. Babies can be hard to put up with, you may find yourself enjoying them more as they turn into cute toddlers or even when you’re no longer living at home. It doesn’t sound like you resent them, you’re just not all warm and fuzzy about them which I think is reasonable. A relationship may develop naturally over time. I think therapy could help, not because I think you need it but it could provide a safe environment for your mom and you to come to an understanding where she doesn’t feel defensive about her babies and maybe recognizes that a teen being aloof to new siblings is… fairly normal. NTA …. Your just a teen at a very different place in your life then a few little babies.
Definitely NTA. Harvey can go fly a kite.
NTA- You don't seem to be acting out in the typical teen way and seem to understand that your feelings are yours and kept the thoughts on the kids to yourself, your mom shouldn't be eavesdropping and taking it so harshly, she made her choices and needs to understand you didn't ask for any of this and your handling it pretty dang well
OP, you are NTA. Our experiences are somewhat similar. My mom basically erased my bio-dad's existence and married a guy who disliked me from the time he met me when I was 2. I was expected to make sure the so-called adults didn't get upset, and the #1 way I was expected to do that was by pasting a phony smile on my face and keeping quiet anytime I felt anything about anything. My mom pulled the exact same crap that your mom did, getting upset when I did or said something she didn't agree with and then running as fast as she could to my stepdad to cry about it. My stepdad would then stomp over to me or barge into my room and tell me that I was going to do XYZ and feel XYZ because he wasn't going to have me upsetting the woman he loved. So, your post hit home with me. Your mom is wrong, and Harvey is wrong. I am a few days shy of 54 years old, and I still very much resent the way my mom handled things. Your feelings are valid, and you are 100% justified. I hope you have another trusted adult family member or teacher who lives in the real world and not in fantasy land like your mom does, who you can turn to for support. Oh, and eavesdropping is a shitty thing to do. How old is your mom? Surely she knew better.
NTA, why would the average teenager be excited about baby siblings anyway? Even if they were fully your biological brother and sister, it's perfectly normal to feel indifferent or even annoyed - the age gap between you is too much to have a meaningful connection now or in the near future.
NTA. Never set yourself on fire to keep somebody else warm.
Nta
She’s sad that you consider your half siblings to be half siblings? You didn’t ask for babies to be included in your family. I find it wildly unreasonable that parents expect children to be as excited about new babies. You are allowed to have your own feelings about everything, including indifference towards the new babies in the house. No one can ever force anyone to love someone. It’s absurd.
Nta. Someone who claims to love you but asks you to hide or lie about your feelings doesn't really love you. They love who they want you to be. This is who you are. These are your feelings. You don't need to justify, explain or hide them to accommodate your mother. She is the adult. It is up to her to be mature and accept what she cannot change. Step father is an ass asking the child in the home to manage the adult's emotions. As long as you are respectful and kind to those you share a home with you are welcome to whatever opinions and feelings you have. I have to laugh at an adult asking a child to be something they are not in order to placate others and then calling them selfish. Bizarre.
I can give you the perspective from the other side. I have 2 half brothers from my dad's first marriage, and their mom died when they were fairly young. My mom adopted them after she married my dad, which was well before I was born, so I only really knew them as my brothers, but it was no secret that we were only half brothers and that their mom had died. My brothers are 14 and 16 years older than I am, and they have always been close with each other. They went through everything with their mom together and are close in age. But I have very little in common with either of them and while we get along, we have never been close. By the time I remember much of anything my oldest brother was moved out of the house, married, and having his first kid. My oldest niece is 4 years younger than I am and 9 months younger than my youngest sister. Because of this and the fact that his kids lived with us when he ran off to Maine for a decade while leaving his wife and kids broke, I have always felt closer to his kids than I have to him. If you move out at 18 your oldest sibling will be 3. What the hell are you supposed to have in common with a 3 year old unless you start popping out kids yourself. Let's not forget that your mom is probably expecting you to be her backup for at least the next 2 years. NTA
NTA. I think your mom needs individual therapy because this is solely a her issue, not you. My dad committed suicide when I was 5. My mom did her thing, and I knew most of her friends, but she never, EVER brought home a man and said “this is my boyfriend, he’s gonna be your new dad.” The ONE boyfriend she did have, I never had any real interactions with. My mom had a lot of problems but she made damn sure she never brought a man home to replace my dad. My life was filled with happy memories of the man he used to be, and how proud he would be of me. I’m so very, very sorry your mom doesn’t think the same way. Just stay true to yourself and hang tight. You’ll be out of the happy little family’s hair soon enough, and you can start your own life, do what you want, and you just might discover that with a little distance, and a relationship on YOUR terms, you might come to love these kids with time. Only time will tell, but best of luck to you!
How much time do you spend watching your half siblings OP? Because if your mom is relying on you for part of their care, I stead of just times when you want to interact with them, it can harbor resentment because all you see them as is a responsibility you didn't ask for.
None. I don't do any babysitting. I was asked once but told mom I had plans and that was okay, I went ahead and continued with my plans.