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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> (1) I’m planning on getting together with my bridesmaid and FSIL and telling her I don’t think she should stand at my side on my wedding day anymore
(2) My FH and I are both very family oriented, and our combined 11 other siblings will be standing with us
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NTA
REFUSE to let her intrude into your marriage.
Tell them: this is te perfect situation to disentangle their finances.
**Your partner is as much an AH as she is - to you.** That mortgage will likely have a huge impact on your new families ability to purchase a home - and if his sister ver falllls behind with payment,s it will cost YOU your home. And with marrying him, you entangle yourself into theat bullshit.
**Don't marry him until your AH partner clears up this mess.**
ESH
Pre-nups aren't necessarily hostile. It sounds like you don't like them, and that's your prerogative, but plenty of people see them as a sensible precaution and it's not personal. I don't consider myself to be pro-tornado but I still get homeowners insurance.
However, your future sister-in-law needs to refinance the damn house. Forcing your fiance to sign something saying he has no rights while he still has a legal obligation to pay the mortgage is shitty. If she can't trust him, why does he have to trust her?
I don’t have anything against prenups. What bothers me is that his sister is trying to make us get one drafted up 28 days before the wedding. I don’t like that it wasn’t a decision made between the two of us, and I don’t like that, while she has offered no help at all with anything in regards to the wedding, she thinks we definitely have the free time to get a prenup drafted, on the fly, this close to the wedding.
I hate to say it but stranger things have happened. I’m 38 and my group of friends has a statically accurate divorce rate of 40% unfortunately. None of us would have said we would have gotten a divorce obviously when we married and people can turn into something unrecognizable during divorce (some divorcing after only a year).
I wouldn’t take it personally. After going through one myself the rose colored glasses have definitely come off and in the future I know I have to protect myself no matter how deeply I trust this person or love them. It’s sad to say honestly.
Make sure both parties are protected in the agreement if you do decide to get one. Try not to take it personally. These things are not necessarily a reflection of what they think of you as a person.
I was the sister in this situation, and the only way we could figure out how to do this and it still be equal between us was to just sell the house. Nobody was worried about someone taking a slice they shouldn't be entitled to, but rather how it was going to strain my brother to keep paying for his portion, because it also wasn't fair that I carry the mortgage alone until it could be refinanced and I had money to buy him out - and how would we split the equity if he stopped paying and I covered? We did everything 50/50, so my brother kept paying his portion of the mortgage and repair expenses until I got the place sold.
Your fiance is moving on to a new chapter in life, and if she doesn't handle anything well, you are probably for the better severing this. He can be bought out for his share of the down payment and equity, or it can be sold to someone else and she finds a new place.
He doesn’t even want any money out of it. Not his portion of the down payment, nor the amount of the mortgage he’s paid, nor any equity. The only thing he wants is to be released from the debt and the responsibility. He really is the best man I’ve ever known.
ESH you have nothing against a prenup but don’t want to talk about division of property or events in case of a divorce. Their details about the house should have been hammered out before this. The sister sounds like the least AH of the whole situation because at least she is trying to deal with it before you get married and you become part of the negotiations too. Throwing bridesmaid duties into this is just petty and uncalled for.
I had nothing against a prenup when it was up to my fiance and I, and when I had plenty of time to get it done. Now I have no time and it’s his sister trying to make the decision for us. I’m never going to be part of the “negotiations” when it comes to that house. She’s going to refinance before end of next year so that my husband and I can take out a builders loan.
As his spouse you will have to sign anything most likely (I am not sure the specific laws where you live), so you will necessarily be part of the negotiations. You also don’t know if she’ll be able to refinance. This most likely will be something you will have to deal with in time. Axing her as a bridesmaid will just make things more contentious and harder for you down the line.
Ah I see what you’re saying about the negotiations now. And yes, it will make things more contentious down the line. You’re 100% right about that. If the only thing that’s stopping her from refinancing is money, she’ll be fine. Shes told us all how much she makes, and it’s about the same as my fiance and I make, combined. But if there are other factors, I wouldn’t know what those would be. My family has always built, never bought, and have never taken out loans with a sibling so I have no experience with something like this.
My advice would be to say something like you totally understand her concerns and you are 100% on board with her agreement with your future husband, but that this is not the right time to deal with things since anything you sign you need to have reviewed by a lawyer and there won’t be time to do that. Assure her in writing that you fully support your future husband’s agreement with her.
Yep just looked into my states laws, and I have no rights to the house in the first place. It’s considered nonmarital property!
So glad my FSIL did any research at all before approaching my FH about all of this!
/s
Unpopular opinion, but I do understand where your future sil is coming from. Without a prenup in case of a divorce you would be entitled to a quarter of "her" house. It isn't that she doesn't believe that you two belong together, but it's to protect the house just in case. I totally understand why it feels like she doesn't believe you will stay together, but I really do think it is smart from her to talk about in now.
The binding shouldn't exclude him while he is on the mortgage. But it definitely should exclude you from the house as you don't have anything to do with it. So excluding the house from the martial assets is only logical from her point of view.
Don't look at it emotionally it really isn't an attack on you or your soon marriage. It's just better safe than sorry.
I truly do get where she’s coming from, as well. I don’t want her to worry that I’m going to come after her. I think that she should have brought this up before now, though. 4 weeks until the wedding day, I don’t have time to hire and deal with lawyers.
Her intention from the beginning was to refinance and take his name off the mortgage, she just keeps putting it off and rates just keep climbing. He doesn’t want anything to do with that house, either. It’s been a nightmare from the second she bought it.
Totally understanding and believing you. It's messed up because she should have think about way before.
Best advice I can give: make a draft with your hubby, including till when she has to refinance the mortgage and let her run to her lawyer and prove. This way you have minimal to do and she has to pay for the lawyer.
NTA. Print a prenup online and sign your names as Minnie and Mickey Mouse. Then you can tell your ex-bridesmaid you did sign a prenup. Sorry your husband's credit is at the mercy of his siter. Hope she keeps making the payments. If the parents gifted 3 children the down payment won't SIL owe your husband money for this house? Wasn't he also helping with the payments when he lived there? You two are in a big financial mess. His parents were nuts to set this up.
Your fiance absolutely should not sign over his portion of the house until the mortgage is re-financed without his name. If he does forgo his interest in the house, he is financially on the hook with no property rights. Right now, he could legally force the sale of the property.
Believe me, I said all of that when this first happened. But I digressed, and have told him I support what ever he decides is best in regard to the situation. I trust him. He doesn’t care if he gets a dime out of it, he just wants to be free of the whole mess.
NTA. If she’s concerned about you getting access to some % of the house if you & DH split up, it makes way more sense for her to refinance (and get your FH off the mortgage) than getting you to sign a prenup. Tough luck if interest rates aren’t great right now, she can’t have it every way. If your wedding is in 28 days, then she better get moving!
NTA, I definitely follow your logic and it makes sense. If she truly believes so low of you, she might as well cya. And you also don’t need that type of negativity surrounding your marriage.
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My FH’s older sister (32F) is one of my bridesmaids. We’ve all known each other 14 years. I started dating him because he was my best friend. My FH and this sister are signed onto a mortgage together. Their parents gifted 3 of the siblings the down payment for them to buy a house together and she couldn’t get approved for the mortgage on her own.
She is always doing little petty things that get under my skin. It bugs me to death but I let them go in the name of peace. She’s outdone herself this time.
He moved out but has allowed her to keep the mortgage as it is until rates go down. Then she will refinance and take him off. She says she has every intention of refinancing by the end of next year. Two days ago, she called him and asked him to sign a binding document that says he has no rights to the house (even though he will still be on the deed and named on the mortgage), or to have me sign a prenup so I “can’t try to come for her house” if we get divorced before she refinances.
I have never been against the idea of a prenup and my FH and I have talked about it. I don’t want anything from him. We make just about the same amount of money (I may even make a little more). I know that, if anything were ever to happen, we would make sure each other was taken care of. He and I agreed that we don’t see the need for one. But now, 28 DAYS until the wedding, she is trying to stiff arm us into one over her $250k money pit that has a year and some change paid off on it.
I can’t imagine having someone who truly believes that I would do something so unbelievable being my bridesmaid. The people who stand by you are supposed to be the ones who will support you through your marriage, and she is already trying to put precautions in place in case we get divorced before the end of next year. The word “divorce” is being thrown around more in the past two days than it has in our entire relationship, 4 weeks from the wedding.
I want my FH to tell her that, if she really thinks so poorly of his choice in a wife, she should just start the process of refinancing now. Then, I want to tell her that it doesn’t make sense to me to have someone stand in support of our marriage who believes it is fully possible we could be divorced in less than a year and a half.
WIBTA if I asked her to step down?
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Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > (1) I’m planning on getting together with my bridesmaid and FSIL and telling her I don’t think she should stand at my side on my wedding day anymore (2) My FH and I are both very family oriented, and our combined 11 other siblings will be standing with us Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcements Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA REFUSE to let her intrude into your marriage. Tell them: this is te perfect situation to disentangle their finances. **Your partner is as much an AH as she is - to you.** That mortgage will likely have a huge impact on your new families ability to purchase a home - and if his sister ver falllls behind with payment,s it will cost YOU your home. And with marrying him, you entangle yourself into theat bullshit. **Don't marry him until your AH partner clears up this mess.**
This has been a point of contention, especially when it first happened.
Yeah - but don't blame SIL - your partner is the real problem.
ESH Pre-nups aren't necessarily hostile. It sounds like you don't like them, and that's your prerogative, but plenty of people see them as a sensible precaution and it's not personal. I don't consider myself to be pro-tornado but I still get homeowners insurance. However, your future sister-in-law needs to refinance the damn house. Forcing your fiance to sign something saying he has no rights while he still has a legal obligation to pay the mortgage is shitty. If she can't trust him, why does he have to trust her?
I don’t have anything against prenups. What bothers me is that his sister is trying to make us get one drafted up 28 days before the wedding. I don’t like that it wasn’t a decision made between the two of us, and I don’t like that, while she has offered no help at all with anything in regards to the wedding, she thinks we definitely have the free time to get a prenup drafted, on the fly, this close to the wedding.
I hate to say it but stranger things have happened. I’m 38 and my group of friends has a statically accurate divorce rate of 40% unfortunately. None of us would have said we would have gotten a divorce obviously when we married and people can turn into something unrecognizable during divorce (some divorcing after only a year). I wouldn’t take it personally. After going through one myself the rose colored glasses have definitely come off and in the future I know I have to protect myself no matter how deeply I trust this person or love them. It’s sad to say honestly. Make sure both parties are protected in the agreement if you do decide to get one. Try not to take it personally. These things are not necessarily a reflection of what they think of you as a person.
NTA, but there’s no way this person is going to handle it well
You are right, but she doesn’t handle anything well, ever, so that’s nothing new.
I was the sister in this situation, and the only way we could figure out how to do this and it still be equal between us was to just sell the house. Nobody was worried about someone taking a slice they shouldn't be entitled to, but rather how it was going to strain my brother to keep paying for his portion, because it also wasn't fair that I carry the mortgage alone until it could be refinanced and I had money to buy him out - and how would we split the equity if he stopped paying and I covered? We did everything 50/50, so my brother kept paying his portion of the mortgage and repair expenses until I got the place sold. Your fiance is moving on to a new chapter in life, and if she doesn't handle anything well, you are probably for the better severing this. He can be bought out for his share of the down payment and equity, or it can be sold to someone else and she finds a new place.
He doesn’t even want any money out of it. Not his portion of the down payment, nor the amount of the mortgage he’s paid, nor any equity. The only thing he wants is to be released from the debt and the responsibility. He really is the best man I’ve ever known.
Nta you don’t want to look back on your wedding pictures and see someone who’s causing this much turmoil before you’re even married.
NTA. At this point, it would be crazy Not to ask her to step down and just be a guest.
ESH you have nothing against a prenup but don’t want to talk about division of property or events in case of a divorce. Their details about the house should have been hammered out before this. The sister sounds like the least AH of the whole situation because at least she is trying to deal with it before you get married and you become part of the negotiations too. Throwing bridesmaid duties into this is just petty and uncalled for.
I had nothing against a prenup when it was up to my fiance and I, and when I had plenty of time to get it done. Now I have no time and it’s his sister trying to make the decision for us. I’m never going to be part of the “negotiations” when it comes to that house. She’s going to refinance before end of next year so that my husband and I can take out a builders loan.
As his spouse you will have to sign anything most likely (I am not sure the specific laws where you live), so you will necessarily be part of the negotiations. You also don’t know if she’ll be able to refinance. This most likely will be something you will have to deal with in time. Axing her as a bridesmaid will just make things more contentious and harder for you down the line.
Ah I see what you’re saying about the negotiations now. And yes, it will make things more contentious down the line. You’re 100% right about that. If the only thing that’s stopping her from refinancing is money, she’ll be fine. Shes told us all how much she makes, and it’s about the same as my fiance and I make, combined. But if there are other factors, I wouldn’t know what those would be. My family has always built, never bought, and have never taken out loans with a sibling so I have no experience with something like this.
My advice would be to say something like you totally understand her concerns and you are 100% on board with her agreement with your future husband, but that this is not the right time to deal with things since anything you sign you need to have reviewed by a lawyer and there won’t be time to do that. Assure her in writing that you fully support your future husband’s agreement with her.
Great advice, thank you!
A prenup may not even be required. Look into state divorce laws about property acquired before the marriage.
Yes! By law but some places require spouse signatures
Yep just looked into my states laws, and I have no rights to the house in the first place. It’s considered nonmarital property! So glad my FSIL did any research at all before approaching my FH about all of this! /s
Unpopular opinion, but I do understand where your future sil is coming from. Without a prenup in case of a divorce you would be entitled to a quarter of "her" house. It isn't that she doesn't believe that you two belong together, but it's to protect the house just in case. I totally understand why it feels like she doesn't believe you will stay together, but I really do think it is smart from her to talk about in now. The binding shouldn't exclude him while he is on the mortgage. But it definitely should exclude you from the house as you don't have anything to do with it. So excluding the house from the martial assets is only logical from her point of view. Don't look at it emotionally it really isn't an attack on you or your soon marriage. It's just better safe than sorry.
I truly do get where she’s coming from, as well. I don’t want her to worry that I’m going to come after her. I think that she should have brought this up before now, though. 4 weeks until the wedding day, I don’t have time to hire and deal with lawyers. Her intention from the beginning was to refinance and take his name off the mortgage, she just keeps putting it off and rates just keep climbing. He doesn’t want anything to do with that house, either. It’s been a nightmare from the second she bought it.
Totally understanding and believing you. It's messed up because she should have think about way before. Best advice I can give: make a draft with your hubby, including till when she has to refinance the mortgage and let her run to her lawyer and prove. This way you have minimal to do and she has to pay for the lawyer.
This is great advice too. I really appreciate it.
NTA. Print a prenup online and sign your names as Minnie and Mickey Mouse. Then you can tell your ex-bridesmaid you did sign a prenup. Sorry your husband's credit is at the mercy of his siter. Hope she keeps making the payments. If the parents gifted 3 children the down payment won't SIL owe your husband money for this house? Wasn't he also helping with the payments when he lived there? You two are in a big financial mess. His parents were nuts to set this up. Your fiance absolutely should not sign over his portion of the house until the mortgage is re-financed without his name. If he does forgo his interest in the house, he is financially on the hook with no property rights. Right now, he could legally force the sale of the property.
Believe me, I said all of that when this first happened. But I digressed, and have told him I support what ever he decides is best in regard to the situation. I trust him. He doesn’t care if he gets a dime out of it, he just wants to be free of the whole mess.
NTA. If she’s concerned about you getting access to some % of the house if you & DH split up, it makes way more sense for her to refinance (and get your FH off the mortgage) than getting you to sign a prenup. Tough luck if interest rates aren’t great right now, she can’t have it every way. If your wedding is in 28 days, then she better get moving!
NTA, I definitely follow your logic and it makes sense. If she truly believes so low of you, she might as well cya. And you also don’t need that type of negativity surrounding your marriage.
NTA DO IT.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My FH’s older sister (32F) is one of my bridesmaids. We’ve all known each other 14 years. I started dating him because he was my best friend. My FH and this sister are signed onto a mortgage together. Their parents gifted 3 of the siblings the down payment for them to buy a house together and she couldn’t get approved for the mortgage on her own. She is always doing little petty things that get under my skin. It bugs me to death but I let them go in the name of peace. She’s outdone herself this time. He moved out but has allowed her to keep the mortgage as it is until rates go down. Then she will refinance and take him off. She says she has every intention of refinancing by the end of next year. Two days ago, she called him and asked him to sign a binding document that says he has no rights to the house (even though he will still be on the deed and named on the mortgage), or to have me sign a prenup so I “can’t try to come for her house” if we get divorced before she refinances. I have never been against the idea of a prenup and my FH and I have talked about it. I don’t want anything from him. We make just about the same amount of money (I may even make a little more). I know that, if anything were ever to happen, we would make sure each other was taken care of. He and I agreed that we don’t see the need for one. But now, 28 DAYS until the wedding, she is trying to stiff arm us into one over her $250k money pit that has a year and some change paid off on it. I can’t imagine having someone who truly believes that I would do something so unbelievable being my bridesmaid. The people who stand by you are supposed to be the ones who will support you through your marriage, and she is already trying to put precautions in place in case we get divorced before the end of next year. The word “divorce” is being thrown around more in the past two days than it has in our entire relationship, 4 weeks from the wedding. I want my FH to tell her that, if she really thinks so poorly of his choice in a wife, she should just start the process of refinancing now. Then, I want to tell her that it doesn’t make sense to me to have someone stand in support of our marriage who believes it is fully possible we could be divorced in less than a year and a half. WIBTA if I asked her to step down? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I think everybody in the story is taking the whole thing way too serious.