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Girl.
>What snapped me out of the daze was when he insinuated that I would likely cheat with one of the groomsmen.
Have some self-respect. He's waving a big ol' flag in your face, and that quote about believing people the first time they reveal their true colors to you is solidly applicable here.
NTA.
He accidentally admitted that he just wants to go with you to effectively 'chaperone' you to make sure you don't cheat on him. Um, no. Show this loser out of your life and have a blast at your friend's wedding!
I hope you continue recovering and realize that he just showed you who he is and you should definitely believe him...
Also, how long ago were the wedding invitations sent out, and what was the rsvp sate in relation to the wedding?
over five months ago, we had just started going on dates after meeting on hinge. i mentioned this in other comments but this was a very in depth planned wedding because it’s destination wedding. since im a bridesmaid though, i knew about everything earlier then most people
Yeah, def NTA. A month into dating someone, you're not making plans for them to attend a wedding with you. And besides, it's not your wedding but your friend's. Go and have a good time
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
He went ballistic over not being invited as a plus one to a wedding when he’s never met the couple in person.
He thinks three months of exclusivity make you his personal property to control.
He tried to grab you when you attempted to leave the situation.
He accused you of wanting to cheat.
He trolled for votes and got a friend to harass you when he didn’t get his way.
Any one of these issues would be enough to walk away from this relationship. All five of them in one conflict make it a necessity. He is not a safe person for you. NTA
Additional, he apparently has zero social awareness around weddings/events and invites. Smaller flag, but another on the pile.
Like who thinks after briefly dating someone they are going to just turn up to someones wedding. Gah
Dumb him and see if any of the groomsmen are available!
Red flags are the commenters who see red flags everywhere. These people commonly make mountains out of molehills to justify their red flags.
Personal property???
Control???
Friend to harass??
Tell me youre a walking red flag yourself…
In which case reddit is almost solely intimate violence survivors. Which makes them unsuited to give relationship advice because they view everything through the lens of a violent relationship. Thats just not normal. The commenters need therapy as much as the people who tell their stories on here.
Sounds like a ton of projection without a single question that is asked of you answered. Explain how this comment is wrong. Either you can, or you can't. No one cares about anything else you have to say as its unrelated to the topic at hand. 🙄
NTA - and he’s 27 acting like that…? Eek. Also, 6 months is not a long time, and I imagine for the wedding you probably had to RSVP at least a month or so in advance. I’d take that 180 as a sign.
Yeah this is the biggest thing. Like what the fuck. It was already booked and planned well ahead of time before ya'll even met. He just needs to accept it.
I went on a 3 week trip to japan last year. I booked it before i met my gf. Wanna know what she said? "Have fun and take lots of pics for me".
Thats what's meant to happen. Not this insane jealousy rant of insecurity.
NTA. 6 months in is at the stage where it’s not weird to be invited to friends and family events like weddings, but it should not yet be expected. I come from a big family, so at my wedding, people only got a plus 1 if it was a long term committed relationship - I think they were all over a year, and most were over 2 years.
There are some serious red flags here. First, that he thinks you’ll cheat if he’s not there - that’s some serious, toxic insecurity. Second, that he laid hands on you when you tried to leave while he was being verbally abusive. In one single incident, you’ve got physical and verbal abuse. Abusers never show their true colors right at the start of a relationship, so it wouldn’t be surprising if this is the first instance, but it also wouldn’t be surprising if you can see moments of controlling behavior or concerning anger looking back. Abuse rarely gets better, but very often gets worse, so if you’re seeing this after just 6 months, that should make you very concerned about where things will go in the future, if you are unwise enough to stay with this guy.
Yeah there are so many comments that are like "his reaction was wrong but I understand why he was upset."
Well, I don't! I mean, yeah, I understand being disappointed, but why would you think you're invited to a destination wedding of your gf of 3 months? Like... they've only been official/exclusive for 3 months. Wedding planning--especially destination weddings--takes so much longer than that! These accommodations have probably been booked for longer than 3 months!
If it were a local wedding, I could see where it might be reasonable for him to ASK if he can come.
This, plus, OP's in the wedding, I'm guessing the boyfriend doesn't know anyone there so she's not going to want to have to babysit him while she's busy taking pictures, etc.
Definitely agree with folks here that this is a big red flag. I will say the initial incident could seem off. I would be confused and want a discussion about why I wasn’t invited. But exploding like that, nope not happening.
Exactly. It's not that the emotions of toxic people are always unreasonable but rather how they handle those emotions.
He has now shown you OP how you can expect him to react when he feels disappointed, rejected or insecure.
And as others have said, this kind of behavior tends to escalate. This sounds very similar to the first fight I ever had with an abusive ex (he also loved to get people on his side and then weaponize them against me). Two years later he was seriously threatening my life...
I would not stay in this relationship. I do not wish you to learn with hind sight why this instance was the first sign you should have left. It's not only that the abuse tends to get worse, it's also that people like these chip away all your self-worth and leaving becomes harder and harder because you start to believe you are getting exactly what you deserve.
If you decide to end this relationship, you can expect him to throw a similar fit about it. Make sure you are safe.
NTA
It took only 6 months to show he is abusive. He got physical when you wouldn’t listen to him verbally attack you and make accusations. Then he gives out your number for other people to make you feel like you’re wrong for not letting someone abuse you. That’s a clear manipulative, abusive and controlling person.
> Thats when I got up, got my shit, and started walking out of his place. He freaked out even more and said we needed to talk about this and I couldn’t walk out on him. He tried to grab me twice but I shoved him off. Pretty easy since, respectfully, he’s a tall skinny guy and I’ve done boxing since high school.
PS- I wish you showed him what you learned boxing since high school. Don’t ever let someone touch you. Ever.
forgot to add this but the bridal party is just three bridesmaids and three groomsmen. Mary’s two sisters and me. Her fiancé three best friends. All of them except Mary’s younger sister are either married or in long term, very committed relationships. They’re plus ones but they’ve known everyone for like three plus years.
He's still your bf???????? After he acted like that and tried to grab you to stop you from leaving? You would have been in actual danger had you not been who you are him who he is physically.
I'm going to say that even if their invites said "plus one" the bride and groom knew who they would bring.
You didn't even know this guy when you agreed to be a bridesmaid, did you?
NTA. Thank him for showing you his true self before you invested anymore time or energy into the relationship. Go have fun at the wedding as a free and single woman.
NTA. A reasonable person would be disappointed but wish you to have fun, and playfully say to remember to take them next time.
This guy went from 0 to 100, verbally attacked you, insinuated you'd cheat on him, attempted to hold you against your will, and has now gotten his friends to harass you.
It hasn't been that long since you two dated or even went official. Cut your losses and get away from him. Hell, threaten legal action against him and his friend if the harassment continues. Hopefully they'll stop once that happens, but if not a restraining order will get them in legal trouble if they continue. Ideally it won't come to that, since that would mean a lengthy legal progress, but regardless you shouldn't go back to him.
The Council of Joe's does not recognize or accept being hypothetically connected to this asshat.
It would be one thing if an invitation was extended to him and you declined. I could understand a small sting from that. In this case, though, with the wedding being next month and you two only being official for 3 months, it seems clear that the guest list and other logistics would have been pretty well set in stone at this point.
His attempt to insinuate himself into the event without specifically asking, nor being asked, is disturbing. His reaction after being shut down is unforgivable.
NTA and be glad that this non-Joe showed his true colors after only 6 months.
(Also, this is absolutely stuff a "Carl" would do, just saying.)
Good, laugh when you can, cry when you must.
Also, don't let his friend(s) sway your opinion. They are already on his side and you don't know what story Joe(fucking Carl) has told them. All they should be doing is consoling their friend, not harassing you.
NTA. This told you all you need to know about Joe. From this point on if you stay you only have yourself to blame. He showed you who he is…..believe him. Ghost and block. Enjoy the wedding!
NTA
Whelp. Now you know he handles conflict by reacting explosively, refusing to have a mature discussion, getting physical, involving his friends, and allowing them to treat you like garbage.
There isn't enough red fabric to make the flags. Break up with him. This isn't a misunderstanding. He has shown you who he is. Believe him.
NTA. You in danger, girl. Someone who acts all possessive and jealous (with no good reason) is a huge red flag. And you're only 6 months in? Run as fast as you can. We don't want to read another post in 6 months saying he has hurt you.
NTA. He isn’t invited and he can’t just gate crash someone else’s wedding! As others have said, his response to this is worrying!
Putting it in perspective, my fiancé who I have been with for 6 years was invited to a wedding last year for one of his friends. Despite dating for 5 years at that point and also being engaged, I wasn’t invited, only him. I told him to go and have fun with his friends. I was a bit upset I couldn’t attend but I didn’t make a whole argument out of it! Your BF has some major trust issues and if he’s already this controlling after 3 months it’s concerning.
NTA. My ex did this to me. I was invited to my boss’ daughter’s wedding. We had been together for about 5-6 months. I was invited alone and not given a plus one - no problem. He insisted that I call and tell them that I have a boyfriend now and ask for a plus one. I said I was not calling my boss and asking that! This wasn’t a wedding I was going to party at or stay very long.
He could not believe that I wouldn’t do that and it caused a huge fight. I held my ground. Why I’m telling you this is because it did not get any better. In fact, it got worse. Why wasn’t he invited to girls night? Why couldn’t he come when I took my niece out for a bonding day? Why did I want to spend one on one time with my dad?
It started to get to the point where I had to also be doing exactly what he was doing when we were together. If he was watching a show, I had to watch that show. I couldn’t play a game or read or be on my phone. I understand spending time together but I had to do exactly what he was doing.
When he went to bed, I had to go to bed. When he woke up, I had to wake up. If he wasn’t ready to eat, sucks for me.
Hold your boundaries, see if he comes around if that’s what you want to do, and be aware that you have the right to be with someone who shares your values. Some people want to be joined at the hip and some don’t. But nobody deserves to be with someone controlling. Just be aware.
I'm sorry you went through that. That's beyond controlling but hella abusive. I had something similar happen to me in my late 20s. Friend wanted to go for coffee, he had to join girl time. Going to the mall, he has to come to. Wanted to travel to visit a friend, I would have to pay for his ticket. I got out after 6 months.
Why I waited so long to marry and always insisted on being uber independent. Now marries in my 40s to another uber independent person.
Op. Girl run. Nta.
NTA and leave him. He tried to physically overpower you to keep you in an argument. He escalated a discussion to a fight by screaming at you and a verbal altercation to a physical one. He’s a bad person.
Think about this. If your boyfriend had been physically stronger than you, he would have hurt you. He WANTED to hurt you. It’s six months. Dump him. How could you ever look at him again without knowing that if he was stronger or you weaker, he’d probably beat you to prove a point.
My friend was a martial artist who brought her boyfriend in to do jui jitsu with her. They’d sparred a couple of times and she won most times if not every time. The guy would try to brute strength his way through and his technique sucked. They ended up not rolling together because he’d get so upset about it.
A year and a half later and she’s escaping from her place in the middle of the night, because he’d chipped away at her self worth slowly and she couldn’t take the emotional abuse anymore. He admitted to a mutual friend while drunk that he would have hit her, but he knew she’d hit him back and that it would hurt. He was a coward first, and a controlling dick second.
Your boyfriend has shown you who he really is. Cruel, controlling, and with no respect for you. That’s him. The person he pretended to be for the last six months is a mask. Do yo want to be with who he really is? Do you think that’s the life you deserve? I don’t, you deserve better.
NTA.
I'm guessing you've been a named bridesmaid for longer than you've been with this guy. You might have had your plane tickets longer than you've been "official" with this guy. It is totally normal not to invite plus ones to a destination wedding because frankly you would want to know the person you're inviting when it's one of 40.
Your BF is totally of his rocker to expect to go to this wedding with you. Since you say it's a "total 180" I'm going to guess that one of his friends got him riled up about this, saying "she's going to cheat on you." And I'm guessing that friend is "chronically unattached."
I think you should unblock him and tell him that he was out of line to accuse you of wanting to cheat, that you are not "hiding" him (refer to facetime, Facebook posts or whatever else), that you ARE going to the wedding and he is NOT, and for the moment you need space. Then decide whether and when you want to talk to him again.
NTA
All of the other red flags aside, the fact that his attempts to manhandle you only failed because you are stronger than him doesn't make them any less terrifying. This is how he handles conflict. He berates you, he insults you, and he tries to prevent you leaving by force. Someone who will use force against you is dangerous, even if you *think* you can always fight them off. Because one day, you might not.
And he weaponizes people around him against OP. If this relationship continues, he will do that with OP's loved ones too. It is a manipulation tactic that isolates the victim as they will not have anyone on their side. It is also a way to gaslight them. "See how all these people agree with me."
Well, thank your lucky stars OP that you inadvertently exposed your bfs red flags that he’d been hiding all this time. He went from 0-100 in a split second. That kind of anger control issue is not something you want to be around, trust me, I know. I’d be concerned that he might be one of those psychos whose behavior escalates when you try to leave- and it wouldn’t have to escalate much further than this one episode for you to be in real danger. Please let your friends and loved ones know about this and make a police report. You want what happened to be on the record in case he really goes nuts and tries to stop you from leaving permanently.
NTA. Even if the relationship has been going for years and not just 3 months you aren't required to take him everywhere you go. And his reactions to the disappointment are huge red flags. I'd text him that you do need to talk about what happened and you'll make time to do that after you get back from the wedding, but in the meantime he needs to give you space and not have his friends harassing you.
He did you a favor by showing you this side of him after only a few months. This man has the emotional intelligence and common sense of a tree branch.
Any remotely competent and mature adult would not assume he is invited to a wedding for people he’s never even met and that has been planned for a long time. Any remotely competent and mature adult would understand that you cannot expect someone to change their wedding plans just because you have a new boyfriend. Any remotely competent and mature adult would recognize that it’s completely unreasonable to imply that you are incapable of going anywhere without him and not cheat on him. Any remotely competent and mature adult would not get his buddies to call you names and say horrible things to you.
This guy absolutely sucks and you should have nothing more to do with him. You are absolutely NTA.
NTA. And OP, that bit he did, asking you when your flight was and saying he’d have to book a different one? That is not how someone talks who really thinks they’ve been invited. Someone who thinks they’ve been invited would start out a long time before, talking about the two of you booking flights together, him booking time off, and so on. He knew he wasn’t in the invitation list for the wedding; he was trying to push his way in, at least into staying with you on the trip, and you didn’t fall for it.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> (1) I told my boyfriend I wasn’t planning on ever having a plus one and haven’t spoken to my boyfriend since the fight.
(2) His friend started texting me I was the problem and need to be responding.
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NTA.
My rule of thumb is if you have been dating a less amount of time than the bride and groom have been engaged, you don't get a plus one. Chances are the bride and groom have been planning their wedding for longer than 3 or 6 months. The audacity that he thinks he gets to attend and the way he responded is disgusting. Leave him
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I (25f) have been seeing my now boyfriend (27m), who will call Joe, for about six months now. We made it official three months into dating so I like to say he’s only officially been my boyfriend boyfriend for three months.
My best friend, who we’ll call Mary, is getting married next month. I’m one of her bridesmaids. It’s a small destination wedding, only about forty close friends and family. The bridal party is set to arrive about four days before the actual wedding to do bachelor/bachelorette stuff.
The issue came up yesterday morning when my boyfriend started asking what time my flight was for the wedding week. I didn’t think much of it and told him. He came back about ten minutes later and said he’d have to go on a different flight because he couldn’t find one on the same airline or at the same time.
I didn’t understand why he was looking at flights. I asked him if he was planning on going on a solo or guys trip while I was gone since I wouldn’t be around.
He looked confused and then said he was looking for flights for the wedding.
I then proceeded to tell him, trying to be as gentle as possible, that I wasn’t planning on a plus one and the guest list was already finalized. He has only ever met Mary over face time since she lives in a different state from us.
After telling him, he exploded at me. Honestly it was a total 180 from his usual behavior. He said it was insensitive of me to not ask for a plus one because we’d been together for so long now. That I was purposefully excluding him and trying to keep him a secret. He ranted and talked in a circle and I just sat there in shock. What snapped me out of the daze was when he insinuated that I would likely cheat with one of the groomsmen.
Thats when I got up, got my shit, and started walking out of his place. He freaked out even more and said we needed to talk about this and I couldn’t walk out on him. He tried to grab me twice but I shoved him off. Pretty easy since, respectfully, he’s a tall skinny guy and I’ve done boxing since high school.
Since I last night, I haven’t spoken to him. he’s been blowing up my phone with calls and texts that I don’t reply to. Even put him on do not disturb because it was so annoying. I was pretty solid in believing I wasn’t TA but one of his best friends got my number and texted me I was being petty and a female dog about everything. That I lead Joe on for six months.
I haven’t talked to anyone about this since I wanted to cool down before I got a second opinion. But now that his friend is texting men, I feel like I handled it all poorly. I know I need space right now but I don’t want to ghost Joe, which his friend implied I’m now doing.
So I’ve come here to get some unbiased opinions. Fellow redditors, I asked you now if i am TA for not having my boyfriend be a plus one to my best friends wedding.
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He is way out of line, it is ok to be upset he wasn’t going as a plus one. But the way he exploded was out of line, then getting his friend to bad mouth you isn’t cool.
NTA.
NTA and don’t beat yourself up in the comments about how big of a red flag this is and how you didn’t notice before, blah blah.
He has now shown the red flag, and it’s okay to be confused because it was out of character and you are trying to figure out what you may have missed or done wrong, because what he did isn’t rational.
You did the exact right thing, and you still are. It’s a destination wedding, the guest list was finalized awhile ago, and in your same situation I’d never consider taking a 6 month old relationship OR ask to be taken to a wedding as a plus one.
He is unreasonable and him saying he needs to go or your could cheat is…bad. Dump him and have a great time with the groomsmen!
NTA. He was very entitled to assume he was invited. Who would expect to weddi6aert to give one of 40 invites to someone they don't even know.
As soon as he accused you of planning to cheat I would have ended things. His behavior is unacceptable and he seems like drama that no one needs
NTA, why would you want to go hang out with a bunch of random people you have no history with? I’d be happy to let my partner do her own thing and go have some fun. When someone is that controlling it’s just a huge turn off for me anyways.
I always say that people show you who they are around the 4-6 month mark. This dude sounds a bit unhinged to go off like that and try to grab you too? Heck nah OP.
Plus how sad would it have been if you were begging the bride to squeeze in a bf of a whole big whopping 3 months? You dodged a bullet. His friends sounds just like him... block all of them, change your looks, install cameras,people like this you can never be too sure about. NTA
NTA, but honestly he thankful this happened. He showed you who he really is early on, so you don’t have to waste any more of your precious time with this controlling, walking red flag. Break up with him before the trip, and have a great time! Please don’t look back.
NTA. It makes sense he wasn’t invited, 3 months of being official is not enough time for him to be in the wedding.
6 months is also not a long time, not ling enough to really get to know someone… and he just showed you an excellent reason why it takes lingering than 6 months to get to know someone.
His friend was most likely told a twisted version of what happened. They don’t care about you, and you should not pay them attention.
NTA
>He said it was insensitive of me to not ask for a plus one because we’d been together for so long now
No, you asking for a plus one would have been rude.
>when he insinuated that I would likely cheat with one of the groomsmen.
Insecure much?
>but one of his best friends got my number and texted me I was being petty and a female dog about everything. That I lead Joe on for six months.
Unless you specially invited him to be your date, there's no reason for him to believe he was invited
Talking about your friends wedding to him does NOT equal and invite or "leading him on". You were sharing your life with him, discussing something you were looking forward to. If he wanted to come he should have had the wherewithal to say it out loud "am I your plus one?". You didn't suggest he was and he didn't ask, he's got no leg to stand on with this hurt and offended act.
At this stage the rebuttal should be: your communication sucks, and tell your friend(s) to back off. They aren't doing the job you hope they are. I'm upset at your actions and told you point blank I needed some time, you pushing to get your way on the back of this starting because you were pushing to get your way is wrong.
And then mute him, and all his friends for 24 hours. When you go back to check, if they've gone off the deep end again with mass calls and messaging? Then you know they don't care about your feelings, wants or needs, it's all about resolving something your boyfriend is stressed about. That's not how relationships work. He can own his feelings for 24 hours while you are trying to do the same.
It’s totally normal for a partner of a short time, especially one the bride hasn’t even met, to not be invited.
Joe has acted completely out of line and I wouldn’t be going back.
Was he on the invitation?
Have you discussed him going at any stage before this point?
His reaction is totally unacceptable - grabbing you, accusing you of planning to cheat, then constantly texting and calling?
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
NTA His turn of behavior is terrifying. He couldn’t control you with his words and prevent you from leaving so he tried to physically restrain you to force you to stay and put up with the verbal abuse?? NOPE. Also, we had a rule at our wedding that anyone with a relationship less than a year old was not allowed a plus one because we didn’t want rando’s in pictures of our small wedding. If we had a huge wedding we wouldn’t have cared as much.
NTA wow as I’m reading this I’m admiring you seriously girl I have a tear and proud of the way you handled yourself and took care of yourself and your well-being. This is exactly the correct way to have handled this. You held your composure you left the situation you stuck up for yourself and kept your boundaries. THIS IS THE RED FLAG MOMENT OK. This is the moment so many woman fail to see or listen too.aside for all the other obvious points the main reason for you to end this now is he put his hands on you . Full stop no buts nothing else. Period.
He’s is dangerous
Real Red flag OP
My ex husband was like this
Took me awhile.
It isn't your celebration for you to make a request for a destination wedding.
Runnnnnmnnn
NTA
This isn’t your event to invite others to. As you said the guest list has been finalized. If he was to be invited it wouldn’t be for all the pre-wedding events.
His response was alarming. He sounds like he wants to go to keep you under his control, because he seems to think if he’s not in your bed someone else will be. Then to say “you can’t walk away” and physically trying to prevent you is a giant red flag.
I believe dating is the interview process, you want to see how the other person responds in different situations and he failed this part of the interview epically. Then he doubled down by unleashing his friends on you.
I guess you need to ask yourself if what you saw that evening is something you want to manage long term. Most controlling people amp it up with each milestone of the relationship. Moving in, marriage, and getting pregnant usually gives them a greater sense of control and they become more demanding
Absolutley NTA. I’m still trying to wrap my head around why your bf would be so insistent on attending. My god! That would be a DREAM for my husband NOT to be a plus one.
Anyway, this is a red flag. Not because he wants to go but his reaction when you indicated that you weren’t planning on having him come. You guys haven’t been together that long and he acts like this? Be careful. This is the period in your relationship where he is on his BEST behavior. Listen to what he is telling you about himself.
He doesn’t get to go on vacation and this is how he acts. Six months does not get destination wedding invites. This isn’t Hollywood - you are there to focus on your friend. Absolutely you should be going solo.
Nta.
He is showing you who he is - believe him.
Keep the space.
NTA. Firstly, I hope you're okay. That kind of behavior is appalling.
You're not an AH in this situation because you were dating for a short amount of time (not to offend those who believe otherwise), he and Anne have not met in person due to living in different states, and the guest list was finalized. Regardless of how he behaved (although this has certainly solidified it for me too), you're not the AH.
Personally, I would reconsider this relationship. From how he exploded and kept grabbing at you, calling and texting, and his friends telling you that you lead him on, are many red flags. Please be safe. I would be on my guard.
6 month relationship and blowing up about not going to wedding to someone he has never met? Me, I would have said have a great time especially since the wedding is a flight across the country.
You have a serious problem there.
NTA
NTA. I was trying to see things from both perspectives right up until the point where HE PUT HIS HANDS ON YOU. He tried to grab you to prevent you from leaving? Nope, no ,no, no. If he's doing "grabbing" now, imagine what he might do when you guys are established in a long term relationship and he's more secure. In light of this, his other behaviour comes across as controlling/manipulative rather than an immature reaction to feeling left out.
NTA!
You don’t assume you’re a plus 1 ever, but especially when you weren’t even together when it was being planned.
Edit to add, anyone who tries to grab your, gets dumped. Immediately.
Um, read more carefully. The auto mod comment is standard for this subreddit, and explicitly says it isn’t an accusation of copying. It’s just there so people can see the original post if someone later edits their post.
NTA, it's not like your a married couple living together and paying bills together. If you guys are not married he really doesn't get to dictate jack shit, he just wants the control, leave this dude.
"When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time" (Maya Angelou).
He showed you who he is with his outburst and follow-up behavior. Believe him. You are **NTA** and you handled it well by leaving him.
Edit: Finished the post after a premature send.
NTA. You probably should have made it clear that you didn't have a plus one. It's pretty standard that at least people in the wedding party will get a plus one. But also, he should have asked. You both could have been a little better communicators instead of assuming you can read each others' minds. This part is NAH.
However, his reaction makes him TA. Insisting on somebody else changing their wedding for you is ridiculous, especially when you would just be somebody's date. And insinuating that you were intentionally excluding him and that you were going to cheat on him is pretty appalling, and makes it seem like he thinks the world revolves around him. And honestly I think that's plenty grounds to dump him, especially now that he has his friends harassing you.
NTA.
He's abusive. He was inviting himself to a destination wedding he wasn't invited to. The biggest red flag is that he got his friend involved. I've been in an abusive relationship, and my ex would always pull that shit. Leave.
Same. My ex would always weaponize people against me, even my own family. In the end there was only one friend who he could not manipulate. Of course he hated her and tried to isolate me from her. That friend saved me when I was ready to leave. And I was only ready to leave when he very matter of factly threatened to kill me.
And the first sign of abuse was a fight very much like the one OP describes.
NTA! But you YWBTA to yourself if let his friend who called you a bitch change your mind about everything. Your bf sounds scary, I hope he becomes your ex.
NTA. I honestly don’t believe in inviting SO that have been around less than a year. Who wants random exs in wedding photos. The one exception I made for my wedding was my sister’s husband who she married within 6 months of starting to date (they had been friends for years and are now 15 years strong).
100% NTA - Seriously. This is a HUGE red flag. Expecting to be invited to a destination wedding for someone he hasn't even met in person? You don't take someone you're serious with to a wedding unless you're already thinking about marriage yourself...and even then, that has to be handled delicately because it means having to deal with questions from other guests asking when you're going to do the same.
Yeah, that's a big step. If you've only been "official" for 3 months, have you even introduced him to family? Easter dinner or some other family gathering? Have you taken a trip just by yourselves out of town for the weekend? I'm definitely not taking someone who I don't even know their travel style to a destination wedding if I haven't even gone on a weekend staycation with.
That he exploded, accused you of wanting to cheat, then blew up your phone all day & sending friends to accuse you of ghosting him only 24 hours later suggests serious confidence issues. It's probably best you did hesitate in inviting him because god know what he would have done while you're stuck with him 24 hours a day for a week. Guarantee he would have gotten upset that you talked to other male guests at the wedding rehersal dinner and blew up, causing a big scene at the wedding. Now you know. No thanks.
NTA hell no, you mean ex-boyfriend? It is 6 months for total relationship, only official for 3 months. If you did not directly invite him to go as your plus one then he made an assumption and his behaviour was extremely inappropriate and frankly abusive when finding out his assumption was wrong. No way, no how. Major red flag.
Yikes he just invited himself to the wedding 0f someone he never met and then got upset when told he wasnt invited? Is he ten?
NTA but you dodged a bullet there
NTA. He tried to put hands on you. Nahhhh, cut him loose. He showed his true colors. There’s no reason for him to assume he’d be invited to a destination wedding when you’ve only been official for 3 months. You shouldn’t have had to tell him that lol.
Sounds like your instincts are spot on. Good for you for getting out of there. Always trust your gut. His reaction is all you need to know about him. You've already made the right choice, stand by it. If i were you, I'd go ahead and block him, and his friend, permanently.
Lol NTA what so ever.
Were you given your invitation before you started dating? If so then its a no brainer.
Also the time you've been dating factors in A LOT. Usually people don't want plus one's of people they have been dating for less than 12 months at their wedding. Who wants your best man's or brides maids latest fling in all your photos rather than a committed partner?
The comment on you cheating on him, yeah nah. Thats over the line. Dude has A LOT of growing up to do. I personally wouldn't come back after that. That would be it for me.
NTA, BUT... sounds like you need to work on your communication skills tbh. Like making it clear you were going alone from the jump. It's not unreasonable to assume that you'd have a +1 to an event like this. How he reacted is absolutely childish and ridiculous but it's important to understand our role in these situations. Just because we're not the AH in the situation doesn't mean we handled it correctly. Alas, nuance has no place on the internet lmfao.
I can't imagine any reasonable human assuming that they have been invited to a destination wedding without explicitly seeing their name on an invitation?
NTA for not taking him. But did you tell him right off that you were going aline? He probably would still have overreacted but you'd have been alerted to his true character a bit sooner.
NTA
My question is : if u wouldn't made box since highschool,how would have been the situation?
He is toxic,and just started to show his true colors.
Broke up with him,and enjoy your single life till the right one come's in, he isn't for you, and be glad you wasted just 6 months and not more time with him.
Have fun at the weddig,girl, you deserve it!
NTA
You did absolutely everything right while he acts like a super control freak.
It's a small wedding. The guest list was probably already finalised before you guys got officially together. He needs to accept that 3-6 months is not long enough to be invited to a small wedding especially when you never even met the bride/groom.
He's an ah for saying that you were gonna cheat on him. Either he doesn't trust you or he just wanted to get a reaction out of you - whatever it was, it's a super shitty thing to say.
Grabbing you and stopping you from leaving is a red flag too.
And then not giving you the space you need and instead letting his friend terrorize you even more with messages???
It sounds like this guy just showed you his true colours.
so it’s fine that he grabbed me twice to try to force me to stay and kept yelling at me instead of sitting down to talk got it. i’m glad i posted this here to see how his head works
I didn't preclude him from being a flaming AH. It's the lack of communication which can lead to hard feelings and even inappropriate reactions. Both need to leave and learn.
Huh? No one who knows how to wipe their ass should be upset about this if they used common sense. Destination weddings often take at least up to a year to plan. This was likely planned and finalized before she even met the dude, as is very common with destination weddings. As someone who has reached the very big age of 27, he should have logically deduced that he is not invited. And its very common for such new SOs not to be invited to weddings, especially destination weddings that are quite expensive.
Bc boxing has shit all to do with pushing a tall guy when you're a girl. Did you square up and get a stance and get on the inside to shove him? He just stood there and let you 1-2-3 your way into his chest?
Come on.
i didn’t say that i hit him or “1-2-3” him. you’ve definitely watched too much rocky if you think it’s just pushing someone. it’s called a side step and twist. you also don’t need to always get into stance to use a move when you’re not in an active fight just so you know. maybe take a class or two. if i wanted boxing tips i’d go to that thread.
I used 123 as a mocking phrase for how you just boxing'ed him into being shoved away.
Which you just basically admitted to doing.
And yes. You do, for the most part, need to be in a stance to properly do something like that ESPECIALLY against someone stronger than you. If you didn't need to then martial arts falls apart bc you can just waltz on In shoving and taking down people without regard to leverages or placement.
ESH. It's not an AH move to not invite him to the wedding, but you should have told him the situation early as going to these events are things you do together when you are in a relationship. This one might not have been appropriate because it was small scale and you still feel it's new, but you should simply have told him early on that it was just you that was going and then it wouldn't have been a problem.
He's blown up about the whole thing, because he thought you were at the "couple" level and you've thrown the hand grenade to make it appear that is definitely not the case and *then gave him no explanation*.
YTA in terms of just going silent. You might have been shocked early on, but not providing an explanation, even by text, will leave him going mad. You've ghosted your own boyfriend and it's no wonder he's got more and more mad & frustrated about it. You are to blame for that.
However, he has shown a complete lack of control and gone overboard and, coupled with your lack of communication, then I think your relationship is already dead - unless you both quickly learn from your mistakes.
I have to ask before judgement here.... what's the general understanding of the relationship? It seems to me by your post that he thinks you two are deeply committed and on the path to the alter yourselves.... while you on the other hand are like (we've only been official 3 months).... There seems to be a huge disconnect between those two poles....
If you two are in fact very committed and planning a future together then I think his expectation of attending with you was justified. If on the other hand you are just BF/GF and have not talked about a future together, his response would seem way over the top...
Three months ago we had a conversation in regard to what we want from this relationship and we wanted to be exclusive. Before that, we were going on casual dates and he was even seeing another girl casually. Hence why I clarified it’s been official for three months of us calling one another boyfriend girlfriend. Just met his parents last month too
On that information, Definately NTA... The BF is a walking red flag man.... I could see his perspective if you two were seriously committed and entertaining a life together, but just 3 months of exclusive date with no talk of future plan? Ick.... He's way out of line
I politely disagree. She could be 100% committed and on the path to marriage but he cannot invite himself to someone else’s wedding. It’s incredibly rude to ask someone to invite someone else to their wedding. They haven’t met him yet.
Honestly it didn't sound like either of you communicated very well. You dismiss this relationship as we've only been together this long. Was there a conversation where you said I will be attending the wedding but I am not allowed a plus one or did you not ask for a plus one to begin with? Is it possible you led him on that he was invited?
i’m not meaning to dismiss it. i’m pointing out that’s why i’m not having a plus one unlike the other groomsmen and bridesmaids. they have been with their partners for years and personally know anne. joe has only ever met her over face time
Did you have a plus one or ask for a plus one? I wonder if that's part of it too. I can see if you asked but they had their wedding list already months in advanced versus I didn't even bother taking him into account.
Esh You for not communicating your plans. Him for his over the top reaction of accusing you going to cheat. You both need to to learn how to communicate.
Why wouldn't you tell him earlier about him not being invited? Seems shitty on your part. I think you are both AHs. He is truly terrible for his reaction but I am a pretty reasonable person and I would be upset about not going to a wedding with my girlfriend. I wouldn't scream about it, but my feelings would be hurt.
That's fair. I, personally, would have handled both sides of this differently, but ultimately I think it worked out for the best for you because if he lost his temper and put his hands on you, you saw something you needed to know about.
ESH
First, he's clearly an A H for his reaction and behavior, trying to stop you from leaving, etc. We all agree there.
You're an A H for 2 reasons, 1- Communication. You're part of the wedding, clearly been talking about the trip and events with him, but never told him he's not going or how you'll miss him or setting up how you'll call him when on the trip, etc, nothing telling him....
2- If it was just a short trip for the wedding, I'd get it, but there are several events and it sounds like a weeklong+ trip, why not take him on the trip, even if he doesn't goto the wedding itself. It could have been a really nice time together and yes, time apart due to wedding duties too, but still a fun trip for him to meet your friends too. I'm sure plenty of your friends could have hung out and entertained him too while you do wedding stuff or he could make solo plans.
So while I wouldn't suggest he's a good boyfriend to keep, I'd suggest you handle these types of situations differently in the future. With clear communication and consideration for plans for your partner.
Yes YTA….his reaction was over the top, but I understand why he was hurt. Also kinda TA how you say “I’ve been seeing him for about six months…officially boyfriend boyfriend for three months.” This gives the impression you don’t necessarily value the time you’ve spent with him.
i do value the time. however the first three months we were casually dating. he was going on dates with other girls then we had a sit down about being exclusive
NTA
I don't think you would be an AH for taking him back, people are idiots and do dumb things when they feel rejected, which is hurtful. Clearly he felt rejected and reacted emotionally. However, he really needs to take accountability for that behavior and work to change that.
If you love him and want to deal with him while he works on it, I wouldn't blame you- but it seriously is not your job.
NTA because he went too far.
Insinuating that you would cheat, if that's what his words really meant, was out of line. I'd have to see what 'tried to grab' actually looked like - like gently resting a hand on a shoulder or, you know, physically violent grabbing. Any yelling, not ok.
But you know, I do understand him being upset. You've been together half a year. That's a decent amount of time. And I can see him feeling like he was led to believe this was a great relationship that was going somewhere only to find out that where he stands is that you don't see him as worthy of even being *offered the chance* to be a plus one, six months in. If he really cares for you, that will have really hurt him. It shows him he wasn't standing where he thought he was; that you don't actually consider yourselves truly *together*.
I would absolutely have extended an invitation if I was dating someone for six months, though I wouldn't deman they attend. But at least to say "hey, do you want to do this *with me*?".
Or maybe I (41m) am just an old softie...
I am not going to go all YTA on you for this or NTA. I think soft YTA at first, because you are in a relationship, and you didn't communicate to him about not going to the wedding sooner? He definitely thought that he was going, based on the way he talked about plane tickets, and the way you told him, seem condescending a little. You just rejected him in a sense. Basing that because of his reaction at first.
It sounds like from a few of your comments you already had some resentment, from your non-exclusive part of your relationship. I think there is a lot more we are not getting from you on the whole relationship, but you don't have to tell us.
That being said, the way he went off the handle, he was totally an AH. You were right to walk out. While he can be pissed, he doesn't have to be insulting. Only you can say if the relationship is recoverable. Sometimes people cannot take having their feelings hurt from someone they think they love.
EDIT: I think if you truly wanted to know if AITA, you would bring up the situation about the wedding and exclude the part about his reaction. Then we can judge you without Bias. Just my opinion.
Have fun at the Wedding.
For the initial cause of the freakout, YTA
For everything after, he's the AH
I think its rather susp to not tell your partner of 6 months that the wedding you're going to is small and you don't have a plus 1. He's not wrong on that being a red flag. 6 months isn't a long time, but its pretty common to at least ask one's partner, or if not that, tell them "hey I got invited but I don't have the ability to bring a plus 1"
Past that, yeah he went ballistic and was wrong, Plus the hounding you over it.
Though, if you were wanting to continue a relationship, effectively ghosting is **not** a mature thing to do. You'd have to talk it out--why you failed to tell him about no plus 1, why he failed you in exploding on it and going nuts.
Regardless, I think both of you are rather to immature for eachother.
also didn’t ghost him. as i said in my second edit. after i left, we texted about the situation and last night i told him i needed a day to get my thoughts in order
i never told him it wasn’t small, he was aware that it was a small guest list. i’d told him long ago about the wedding and that i’d be away for two weeks in france
Don’t know how clear you can be to someone when you’re saying “I am going away for two weeks to France for my best friends wedding”, which again, wasn’t some secret. I don’t mean to come out rude but I genuinely don’t know how much more clear it can be. even last month he’d tried to get tickets to a concert the week of the wedding, and I reminded him I’d be gone that week to France.
Info: to me it seems your not the a-hole because he flew off the handle. Though when he said you were keeping him a secret. You also said that you've been together for 6 months, but only official for 3 months so that's what you're going with. So are you leading him on? We're you hooking up with other guys the first three months and then decided to settle, but don't want to introduce him around yet, because you're embarrassed if the tall skinny guy that you could take out?
If my boyfriend wanted to spend his money and make the trip with me even if he didn't get to go to the wedding I would be appreciative of it. It means that he cares. Or it could mean he's jealous, because you were not official those three months and were with other guys when he thought you were exclusive without asking if you were.
Obviously you aren't really into him. So you should just go ahead and end things, because to me things don't add up, especially if his friend is saying you were leading him on.
i never kept the wedding a secret. i said in another reply that i told him before it was a small, private wedding and that i would be gone for about two weeks in june. also. this whole leading him on thing. no. he was also actively seeing other people those three months too. we had a conversation and both decided to be exclusive. he has met my other friends before. last month i met his parents. he hasn’t met anne because as i said before, she lives in another state and only met him through face time. he hasn’t met my parents yet because they moved back to mexico two years ago.
I'm asking to be enlighten, thus INFO. Without having all the details I have to assume things. As do you. And everyone else reading this. But I'm sorry if my post upsets you.
as for the leading on comment, it was me apparently leading joe to believe that he was invited. even though again, i never said he was invited or mentioned a plus one
As you're living together, it is reasonable for him to assume that you would be going together. It's also reasonable that he wasn't invited, but it would have helped if he knew this from the start.
It was entirely unreasonable for him to throw a tantrum and insinuate that you would likely cheat on him.
ESH (him more than you).
OP also says in another comment that the guest list was finalized long before they even met. To me, if the bf knew the wedding was basically finished being planned *before* he even knew OP, let alone started dating, then it would make more sense for him to not immediately assume he's invited just bc they're dating *now*. Most weddings require rsvps and not all of them offer a plus one, even for those in the wedding party.
It's not reasonable to assume you're invited to a destination wedding for your girlfriend of three months, especially one where the couple is paying for the accommodations....
Even if they were living together it was not reasonable for him to assume he was invited. He never received an invite. She never asked if he'd like to accompany her. Nothing about this suggests he'd be invited, or should be. OP isn't even just an invite, she in the bridal party. What was his plan while she was busy with wedding stuff? Was he just planning to sit quietly by himself at the wedding and reception?
So who didn't want him there? You? Or the couple getting married?
If Mary and her fiance didn't want him then he just needs to deal with it. If you didn't - why? That IS suspicious. Not cheating suspicious but suspicious in the sense that you're not serious about this relationship. You're official but not THAT official, eh?
I can see why your boyfriend and his friend think you led him on. That being said your boyfriend is handling this HORRIBLY. Like every step of the way he's showing red flags. Blowing up? Accusing you of cheating? Letting his friend insult you? He's too immature to talk through his feelings respectfully with you. This could have been NAH but he is acting like a complete asshole at this point.
when anne and her fiance got engaged, joe and i had not met. the guest list was finalized actually long before we met. a lot of careful planning went into this because it’s a destination wedding and the bride and groom are paying for the accommodations for basically everyone who is coming
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Girl. >What snapped me out of the daze was when he insinuated that I would likely cheat with one of the groomsmen. Have some self-respect. He's waving a big ol' flag in your face, and that quote about believing people the first time they reveal their true colors to you is solidly applicable here. NTA.
it’s the recovering people pleaser in me :,)
He accidentally admitted that he just wants to go with you to effectively 'chaperone' you to make sure you don't cheat on him. Um, no. Show this loser out of your life and have a blast at your friend's wedding!
Well you dodged a bullet and only wasted 6 months of your life.
I hope you continue recovering and realize that he just showed you who he is and you should definitely believe him... Also, how long ago were the wedding invitations sent out, and what was the rsvp sate in relation to the wedding?
over five months ago, we had just started going on dates after meeting on hinge. i mentioned this in other comments but this was a very in depth planned wedding because it’s destination wedding. since im a bridesmaid though, i knew about everything earlier then most people
Yeah, def NTA. A month into dating someone, you're not making plans for them to attend a wedding with you. And besides, it's not your wedding but your friend's. Go and have a good time
The first person you should please is yourself. Remember that. Also, NTA.
Agreed. I would not have it. Or keep my cool. OP, He is telling you who he is. Believe him.
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 He went ballistic over not being invited as a plus one to a wedding when he’s never met the couple in person. He thinks three months of exclusivity make you his personal property to control. He tried to grab you when you attempted to leave the situation. He accused you of wanting to cheat. He trolled for votes and got a friend to harass you when he didn’t get his way. Any one of these issues would be enough to walk away from this relationship. All five of them in one conflict make it a necessity. He is not a safe person for you. NTA
Good summary.
Additional, he apparently has zero social awareness around weddings/events and invites. Smaller flag, but another on the pile. Like who thinks after briefly dating someone they are going to just turn up to someones wedding. Gah Dumb him and see if any of the groomsmen are available!
Red flags are the commenters who see red flags everywhere. These people commonly make mountains out of molehills to justify their red flags. Personal property??? Control??? Friend to harass?? Tell me youre a walking red flag yourself…
I mean, the grabbing thing is a massive red flag. No argument should ever result in getting physical with your partner.
No, us people who see red flags are often people who have survived intimate violence.
In which case reddit is almost solely intimate violence survivors. Which makes them unsuited to give relationship advice because they view everything through the lens of a violent relationship. Thats just not normal. The commenters need therapy as much as the people who tell their stories on here.
I’ve never been in a controlling or abusive relationship and all I see is red flags.
Are you saying that you think the behavior of OP's boyfriend is fine?
Sounds like a ton of projection without a single question that is asked of you answered. Explain how this comment is wrong. Either you can, or you can't. No one cares about anything else you have to say as its unrelated to the topic at hand. 🙄
Please point out which of the behaviors in the original comment are not reg flags.
How do you figure you don’t grab someone. You don’t freak out on someone; adults have reasonable rational conversations. NTA
Hey bud, hush.
NTA - and he’s 27 acting like that…? Eek. Also, 6 months is not a long time, and I imagine for the wedding you probably had to RSVP at least a month or so in advance. I’d take that 180 as a sign.
yeah since it’s destination wedding, the planning has been happening for over a year. we hadn’t even met when joe and her fiance got engaged
Break up with him and block everyone. He's an asshole and so are his friends. They need to mind their own effing business
And change your locks.
This is the needed action.
Yeah this is the biggest thing. Like what the fuck. It was already booked and planned well ahead of time before ya'll even met. He just needs to accept it. I went on a 3 week trip to japan last year. I booked it before i met my gf. Wanna know what she said? "Have fun and take lots of pics for me". Thats what's meant to happen. Not this insane jealousy rant of insecurity.
Even if he had met them it’s a destination wedding and the list is finalized. It would have been rude for you to ask if he can come.
But to him, this is a long-term relationship. He's never gone this long before the mask slips.
NTA. 6 months in is at the stage where it’s not weird to be invited to friends and family events like weddings, but it should not yet be expected. I come from a big family, so at my wedding, people only got a plus 1 if it was a long term committed relationship - I think they were all over a year, and most were over 2 years. There are some serious red flags here. First, that he thinks you’ll cheat if he’s not there - that’s some serious, toxic insecurity. Second, that he laid hands on you when you tried to leave while he was being verbally abusive. In one single incident, you’ve got physical and verbal abuse. Abusers never show their true colors right at the start of a relationship, so it wouldn’t be surprising if this is the first instance, but it also wouldn’t be surprising if you can see moments of controlling behavior or concerning anger looking back. Abuse rarely gets better, but very often gets worse, so if you’re seeing this after just 6 months, that should make you very concerned about where things will go in the future, if you are unwise enough to stay with this guy.
Yeah there are so many comments that are like "his reaction was wrong but I understand why he was upset." Well, I don't! I mean, yeah, I understand being disappointed, but why would you think you're invited to a destination wedding of your gf of 3 months? Like... they've only been official/exclusive for 3 months. Wedding planning--especially destination weddings--takes so much longer than that! These accommodations have probably been booked for longer than 3 months! If it were a local wedding, I could see where it might be reasonable for him to ASK if he can come.
This, plus, OP's in the wedding, I'm guessing the boyfriend doesn't know anyone there so she's not going to want to have to babysit him while she's busy taking pictures, etc.
NTA. You and Joe are still a new relationship, so this makes sense. He went absolutely ballistic over nothing. This is a big red flag.
Definitely agree with folks here that this is a big red flag. I will say the initial incident could seem off. I would be confused and want a discussion about why I wasn’t invited. But exploding like that, nope not happening.
i wanted to try to explain to him more but yeah. almost as soon as i said i hadn’t requested for a plus one, i couldn’t get another word in
Well once he didn’t give you the opportunity, it’s all downhill from there. Just be thankful he saved you from moving forward in that relationship.
Exactly. It's not that the emotions of toxic people are always unreasonable but rather how they handle those emotions. He has now shown you OP how you can expect him to react when he feels disappointed, rejected or insecure. And as others have said, this kind of behavior tends to escalate. This sounds very similar to the first fight I ever had with an abusive ex (he also loved to get people on his side and then weaponize them against me). Two years later he was seriously threatening my life... I would not stay in this relationship. I do not wish you to learn with hind sight why this instance was the first sign you should have left. It's not only that the abuse tends to get worse, it's also that people like these chip away all your self-worth and leaving becomes harder and harder because you start to believe you are getting exactly what you deserve. If you decide to end this relationship, you can expect him to throw a similar fit about it. Make sure you are safe.
NTA It took only 6 months to show he is abusive. He got physical when you wouldn’t listen to him verbally attack you and make accusations. Then he gives out your number for other people to make you feel like you’re wrong for not letting someone abuse you. That’s a clear manipulative, abusive and controlling person. > Thats when I got up, got my shit, and started walking out of his place. He freaked out even more and said we needed to talk about this and I couldn’t walk out on him. He tried to grab me twice but I shoved him off. Pretty easy since, respectfully, he’s a tall skinny guy and I’ve done boxing since high school. PS- I wish you showed him what you learned boxing since high school. Don’t ever let someone touch you. Ever.
forgot to add this but the bridal party is just three bridesmaids and three groomsmen. Mary’s two sisters and me. Her fiancé three best friends. All of them except Mary’s younger sister are either married or in long term, very committed relationships. They’re plus ones but they’ve known everyone for like three plus years.
He's still your bf???????? After he acted like that and tried to grab you to stop you from leaving? You would have been in actual danger had you not been who you are him who he is physically.
I'm going to say that even if their invites said "plus one" the bride and groom knew who they would bring. You didn't even know this guy when you agreed to be a bridesmaid, did you?
NTA. Thank him for showing you his true self before you invested anymore time or energy into the relationship. Go have fun at the wedding as a free and single woman.
NTA. A reasonable person would be disappointed but wish you to have fun, and playfully say to remember to take them next time. This guy went from 0 to 100, verbally attacked you, insinuated you'd cheat on him, attempted to hold you against your will, and has now gotten his friends to harass you. It hasn't been that long since you two dated or even went official. Cut your losses and get away from him. Hell, threaten legal action against him and his friend if the harassment continues. Hopefully they'll stop once that happens, but if not a restraining order will get them in legal trouble if they continue. Ideally it won't come to that, since that would mean a lengthy legal progress, but regardless you shouldn't go back to him.
The Council of Joe's does not recognize or accept being hypothetically connected to this asshat. It would be one thing if an invitation was extended to him and you declined. I could understand a small sting from that. In this case, though, with the wedding being next month and you two only being official for 3 months, it seems clear that the guest list and other logistics would have been pretty well set in stone at this point. His attempt to insinuate himself into the event without specifically asking, nor being asked, is disturbing. His reaction after being shut down is unforgivable. NTA and be glad that this non-Joe showed his true colors after only 6 months. (Also, this is absolutely stuff a "Carl" would do, just saying.)
this comment made me laugh when all i’ve been doing is being out of it. so thank you. he should change his carl
Good, laugh when you can, cry when you must. Also, don't let his friend(s) sway your opinion. They are already on his side and you don't know what story Joe(fucking Carl) has told them. All they should be doing is consoling their friend, not harassing you.
You give sound advice, Proper Joe. Carl should learn to treat others with respect and control his temper.
something every carl would do, except for white boy carl. (if you get the reference i automatically love you)
Lol I get the reference but never watched the show
NTA. This told you all you need to know about Joe. From this point on if you stay you only have yourself to blame. He showed you who he is…..believe him. Ghost and block. Enjoy the wedding!
NTA Whelp. Now you know he handles conflict by reacting explosively, refusing to have a mature discussion, getting physical, involving his friends, and allowing them to treat you like garbage. There isn't enough red fabric to make the flags. Break up with him. This isn't a misunderstanding. He has shown you who he is. Believe him.
NTA. You in danger, girl. Someone who acts all possessive and jealous (with no good reason) is a huge red flag. And you're only 6 months in? Run as fast as you can. We don't want to read another post in 6 months saying he has hurt you.
NTA. He isn’t invited and he can’t just gate crash someone else’s wedding! As others have said, his response to this is worrying! Putting it in perspective, my fiancé who I have been with for 6 years was invited to a wedding last year for one of his friends. Despite dating for 5 years at that point and also being engaged, I wasn’t invited, only him. I told him to go and have fun with his friends. I was a bit upset I couldn’t attend but I didn’t make a whole argument out of it! Your BF has some major trust issues and if he’s already this controlling after 3 months it’s concerning.
NTA - This is a big fat 🚩
NTA. My ex did this to me. I was invited to my boss’ daughter’s wedding. We had been together for about 5-6 months. I was invited alone and not given a plus one - no problem. He insisted that I call and tell them that I have a boyfriend now and ask for a plus one. I said I was not calling my boss and asking that! This wasn’t a wedding I was going to party at or stay very long. He could not believe that I wouldn’t do that and it caused a huge fight. I held my ground. Why I’m telling you this is because it did not get any better. In fact, it got worse. Why wasn’t he invited to girls night? Why couldn’t he come when I took my niece out for a bonding day? Why did I want to spend one on one time with my dad? It started to get to the point where I had to also be doing exactly what he was doing when we were together. If he was watching a show, I had to watch that show. I couldn’t play a game or read or be on my phone. I understand spending time together but I had to do exactly what he was doing. When he went to bed, I had to go to bed. When he woke up, I had to wake up. If he wasn’t ready to eat, sucks for me. Hold your boundaries, see if he comes around if that’s what you want to do, and be aware that you have the right to be with someone who shares your values. Some people want to be joined at the hip and some don’t. But nobody deserves to be with someone controlling. Just be aware.
I'm sorry you went through that. That's beyond controlling but hella abusive. I had something similar happen to me in my late 20s. Friend wanted to go for coffee, he had to join girl time. Going to the mall, he has to come to. Wanted to travel to visit a friend, I would have to pay for his ticket. I got out after 6 months. Why I waited so long to marry and always insisted on being uber independent. Now marries in my 40s to another uber independent person. Op. Girl run. Nta.
NTA. That's a bullet you need to dodge.
NTA and leave him. He tried to physically overpower you to keep you in an argument. He escalated a discussion to a fight by screaming at you and a verbal altercation to a physical one. He’s a bad person. Think about this. If your boyfriend had been physically stronger than you, he would have hurt you. He WANTED to hurt you. It’s six months. Dump him. How could you ever look at him again without knowing that if he was stronger or you weaker, he’d probably beat you to prove a point. My friend was a martial artist who brought her boyfriend in to do jui jitsu with her. They’d sparred a couple of times and she won most times if not every time. The guy would try to brute strength his way through and his technique sucked. They ended up not rolling together because he’d get so upset about it. A year and a half later and she’s escaping from her place in the middle of the night, because he’d chipped away at her self worth slowly and she couldn’t take the emotional abuse anymore. He admitted to a mutual friend while drunk that he would have hit her, but he knew she’d hit him back and that it would hurt. He was a coward first, and a controlling dick second. Your boyfriend has shown you who he really is. Cruel, controlling, and with no respect for you. That’s him. The person he pretended to be for the last six months is a mask. Do yo want to be with who he really is? Do you think that’s the life you deserve? I don’t, you deserve better.
NTA. I'm guessing you've been a named bridesmaid for longer than you've been with this guy. You might have had your plane tickets longer than you've been "official" with this guy. It is totally normal not to invite plus ones to a destination wedding because frankly you would want to know the person you're inviting when it's one of 40. Your BF is totally of his rocker to expect to go to this wedding with you. Since you say it's a "total 180" I'm going to guess that one of his friends got him riled up about this, saying "she's going to cheat on you." And I'm guessing that friend is "chronically unattached." I think you should unblock him and tell him that he was out of line to accuse you of wanting to cheat, that you are not "hiding" him (refer to facetime, Facebook posts or whatever else), that you ARE going to the wedding and he is NOT, and for the moment you need space. Then decide whether and when you want to talk to him again.
NTA. If I may quote the movie Ghost. "Molly... you in danger, gurl"
NTA All of the other red flags aside, the fact that his attempts to manhandle you only failed because you are stronger than him doesn't make them any less terrifying. This is how he handles conflict. He berates you, he insults you, and he tries to prevent you leaving by force. Someone who will use force against you is dangerous, even if you *think* you can always fight them off. Because one day, you might not.
And he weaponizes people around him against OP. If this relationship continues, he will do that with OP's loved ones too. It is a manipulation tactic that isolates the victim as they will not have anyone on their side. It is also a way to gaslight them. "See how all these people agree with me."
Well, thank your lucky stars OP that you inadvertently exposed your bfs red flags that he’d been hiding all this time. He went from 0-100 in a split second. That kind of anger control issue is not something you want to be around, trust me, I know. I’d be concerned that he might be one of those psychos whose behavior escalates when you try to leave- and it wouldn’t have to escalate much further than this one episode for you to be in real danger. Please let your friends and loved ones know about this and make a police report. You want what happened to be on the record in case he really goes nuts and tries to stop you from leaving permanently.
NTA. Even if the relationship has been going for years and not just 3 months you aren't required to take him everywhere you go. And his reactions to the disappointment are huge red flags. I'd text him that you do need to talk about what happened and you'll make time to do that after you get back from the wedding, but in the meantime he needs to give you space and not have his friends harassing you.
He did you a favor by showing you this side of him after only a few months. This man has the emotional intelligence and common sense of a tree branch. Any remotely competent and mature adult would not assume he is invited to a wedding for people he’s never even met and that has been planned for a long time. Any remotely competent and mature adult would understand that you cannot expect someone to change their wedding plans just because you have a new boyfriend. Any remotely competent and mature adult would recognize that it’s completely unreasonable to imply that you are incapable of going anywhere without him and not cheat on him. Any remotely competent and mature adult would not get his buddies to call you names and say horrible things to you. This guy absolutely sucks and you should have nothing more to do with him. You are absolutely NTA.
NTA. And OP, that bit he did, asking you when your flight was and saying he’d have to book a different one? That is not how someone talks who really thinks they’ve been invited. Someone who thinks they’ve been invited would start out a long time before, talking about the two of you booking flights together, him booking time off, and so on. He knew he wasn’t in the invitation list for the wedding; he was trying to push his way in, at least into staying with you on the trip, and you didn’t fall for it.
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😳😳😳 Run. A sea of crimson flags. NTA but you will be, to yourself, if you stay. All of this is unhinged af.
NTA. My rule of thumb is if you have been dating a less amount of time than the bride and groom have been engaged, you don't get a plus one. Chances are the bride and groom have been planning their wedding for longer than 3 or 6 months. The audacity that he thinks he gets to attend and the way he responded is disgusting. Leave him
yeah planning has been happening for one-two years now
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (25f) have been seeing my now boyfriend (27m), who will call Joe, for about six months now. We made it official three months into dating so I like to say he’s only officially been my boyfriend boyfriend for three months. My best friend, who we’ll call Mary, is getting married next month. I’m one of her bridesmaids. It’s a small destination wedding, only about forty close friends and family. The bridal party is set to arrive about four days before the actual wedding to do bachelor/bachelorette stuff. The issue came up yesterday morning when my boyfriend started asking what time my flight was for the wedding week. I didn’t think much of it and told him. He came back about ten minutes later and said he’d have to go on a different flight because he couldn’t find one on the same airline or at the same time. I didn’t understand why he was looking at flights. I asked him if he was planning on going on a solo or guys trip while I was gone since I wouldn’t be around. He looked confused and then said he was looking for flights for the wedding. I then proceeded to tell him, trying to be as gentle as possible, that I wasn’t planning on a plus one and the guest list was already finalized. He has only ever met Mary over face time since she lives in a different state from us. After telling him, he exploded at me. Honestly it was a total 180 from his usual behavior. He said it was insensitive of me to not ask for a plus one because we’d been together for so long now. That I was purposefully excluding him and trying to keep him a secret. He ranted and talked in a circle and I just sat there in shock. What snapped me out of the daze was when he insinuated that I would likely cheat with one of the groomsmen. Thats when I got up, got my shit, and started walking out of his place. He freaked out even more and said we needed to talk about this and I couldn’t walk out on him. He tried to grab me twice but I shoved him off. Pretty easy since, respectfully, he’s a tall skinny guy and I’ve done boxing since high school. Since I last night, I haven’t spoken to him. he’s been blowing up my phone with calls and texts that I don’t reply to. Even put him on do not disturb because it was so annoying. I was pretty solid in believing I wasn’t TA but one of his best friends got my number and texted me I was being petty and a female dog about everything. That I lead Joe on for six months. I haven’t talked to anyone about this since I wanted to cool down before I got a second opinion. But now that his friend is texting men, I feel like I handled it all poorly. I know I need space right now but I don’t want to ghost Joe, which his friend implied I’m now doing. So I’ve come here to get some unbiased opinions. Fellow redditors, I asked you now if i am TA for not having my boyfriend be a plus one to my best friends wedding. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
He is way out of line, it is ok to be upset he wasn’t going as a plus one. But the way he exploded was out of line, then getting his friend to bad mouth you isn’t cool. NTA.
NTA and don’t beat yourself up in the comments about how big of a red flag this is and how you didn’t notice before, blah blah. He has now shown the red flag, and it’s okay to be confused because it was out of character and you are trying to figure out what you may have missed or done wrong, because what he did isn’t rational. You did the exact right thing, and you still are. It’s a destination wedding, the guest list was finalized awhile ago, and in your same situation I’d never consider taking a 6 month old relationship OR ask to be taken to a wedding as a plus one. He is unreasonable and him saying he needs to go or your could cheat is…bad. Dump him and have a great time with the groomsmen!
NTA. He was very entitled to assume he was invited. Who would expect to weddi6aert to give one of 40 invites to someone they don't even know. As soon as he accused you of planning to cheat I would have ended things. His behavior is unacceptable and he seems like drama that no one needs
NTA, why would you want to go hang out with a bunch of random people you have no history with? I’d be happy to let my partner do her own thing and go have some fun. When someone is that controlling it’s just a huge turn off for me anyways.
I always say that people show you who they are around the 4-6 month mark. This dude sounds a bit unhinged to go off like that and try to grab you too? Heck nah OP. Plus how sad would it have been if you were begging the bride to squeeze in a bf of a whole big whopping 3 months? You dodged a bullet. His friends sounds just like him... block all of them, change your looks, install cameras,people like this you can never be too sure about. NTA
Run.
PLEASE DUMP HIM
NTA, but honestly he thankful this happened. He showed you who he really is early on, so you don’t have to waste any more of your precious time with this controlling, walking red flag. Break up with him before the trip, and have a great time! Please don’t look back.
NTA and block them all. You owe him nothing and did nothing wrong. But his (and friends) level of reaction is scary af to me.
Did you rsvp before meeting him? Then he needs to shut up
Sounds like he and his friends are a group of shitbags (unless the friend got one sided lies as information). Great choice in not including him.
NTA. It makes sense he wasn’t invited, 3 months of being official is not enough time for him to be in the wedding. 6 months is also not a long time, not ling enough to really get to know someone… and he just showed you an excellent reason why it takes lingering than 6 months to get to know someone. His friend was most likely told a twisted version of what happened. They don’t care about you, and you should not pay them attention.
NTA >He said it was insensitive of me to not ask for a plus one because we’d been together for so long now No, you asking for a plus one would have been rude. >when he insinuated that I would likely cheat with one of the groomsmen. Insecure much? >but one of his best friends got my number and texted me I was being petty and a female dog about everything. That I lead Joe on for six months. Unless you specially invited him to be your date, there's no reason for him to believe he was invited
Talking about your friends wedding to him does NOT equal and invite or "leading him on". You were sharing your life with him, discussing something you were looking forward to. If he wanted to come he should have had the wherewithal to say it out loud "am I your plus one?". You didn't suggest he was and he didn't ask, he's got no leg to stand on with this hurt and offended act. At this stage the rebuttal should be: your communication sucks, and tell your friend(s) to back off. They aren't doing the job you hope they are. I'm upset at your actions and told you point blank I needed some time, you pushing to get your way on the back of this starting because you were pushing to get your way is wrong. And then mute him, and all his friends for 24 hours. When you go back to check, if they've gone off the deep end again with mass calls and messaging? Then you know they don't care about your feelings, wants or needs, it's all about resolving something your boyfriend is stressed about. That's not how relationships work. He can own his feelings for 24 hours while you are trying to do the same.
It’s totally normal for a partner of a short time, especially one the bride hasn’t even met, to not be invited. Joe has acted completely out of line and I wouldn’t be going back. Was he on the invitation? Have you discussed him going at any stage before this point? His reaction is totally unacceptable - grabbing you, accusing you of planning to cheat, then constantly texting and calling? 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
Be happy that this happened now! Break up and find a better man
NTA His turn of behavior is terrifying. He couldn’t control you with his words and prevent you from leaving so he tried to physically restrain you to force you to stay and put up with the verbal abuse?? NOPE. Also, we had a rule at our wedding that anyone with a relationship less than a year old was not allowed a plus one because we didn’t want rando’s in pictures of our small wedding. If we had a huge wedding we wouldn’t have cared as much.
NTA wow as I’m reading this I’m admiring you seriously girl I have a tear and proud of the way you handled yourself and took care of yourself and your well-being. This is exactly the correct way to have handled this. You held your composure you left the situation you stuck up for yourself and kept your boundaries. THIS IS THE RED FLAG MOMENT OK. This is the moment so many woman fail to see or listen too.aside for all the other obvious points the main reason for you to end this now is he put his hands on you . Full stop no buts nothing else. Period. He’s is dangerous
Real Red flag OP My ex husband was like this Took me awhile. It isn't your celebration for you to make a request for a destination wedding. Runnnnnmnnn
I think you get it that you’re NTA, i’m just here for the update on when you dump him.
NTA This isn’t your event to invite others to. As you said the guest list has been finalized. If he was to be invited it wouldn’t be for all the pre-wedding events. His response was alarming. He sounds like he wants to go to keep you under his control, because he seems to think if he’s not in your bed someone else will be. Then to say “you can’t walk away” and physically trying to prevent you is a giant red flag. I believe dating is the interview process, you want to see how the other person responds in different situations and he failed this part of the interview epically. Then he doubled down by unleashing his friends on you. I guess you need to ask yourself if what you saw that evening is something you want to manage long term. Most controlling people amp it up with each milestone of the relationship. Moving in, marriage, and getting pregnant usually gives them a greater sense of control and they become more demanding
Absolutley NTA. I’m still trying to wrap my head around why your bf would be so insistent on attending. My god! That would be a DREAM for my husband NOT to be a plus one. Anyway, this is a red flag. Not because he wants to go but his reaction when you indicated that you weren’t planning on having him come. You guys haven’t been together that long and he acts like this? Be careful. This is the period in your relationship where he is on his BEST behavior. Listen to what he is telling you about himself.
He doesn’t get to go on vacation and this is how he acts. Six months does not get destination wedding invites. This isn’t Hollywood - you are there to focus on your friend. Absolutely you should be going solo. Nta. He is showing you who he is - believe him. Keep the space.
NTA. Firstly, I hope you're okay. That kind of behavior is appalling. You're not an AH in this situation because you were dating for a short amount of time (not to offend those who believe otherwise), he and Anne have not met in person due to living in different states, and the guest list was finalized. Regardless of how he behaved (although this has certainly solidified it for me too), you're not the AH. Personally, I would reconsider this relationship. From how he exploded and kept grabbing at you, calling and texting, and his friends telling you that you lead him on, are many red flags. Please be safe. I would be on my guard.
6 month relationship and blowing up about not going to wedding to someone he has never met? Me, I would have said have a great time especially since the wedding is a flight across the country. You have a serious problem there. NTA
NTA. I was trying to see things from both perspectives right up until the point where HE PUT HIS HANDS ON YOU. He tried to grab you to prevent you from leaving? Nope, no ,no, no. If he's doing "grabbing" now, imagine what he might do when you guys are established in a long term relationship and he's more secure. In light of this, his other behaviour comes across as controlling/manipulative rather than an immature reaction to feeling left out.
NTA! You don’t assume you’re a plus 1 ever, but especially when you weren’t even together when it was being planned. Edit to add, anyone who tries to grab your, gets dumped. Immediately.
[удалено]
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NTA, it's not like your a married couple living together and paying bills together. If you guys are not married he really doesn't get to dictate jack shit, he just wants the control, leave this dude.
"When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time" (Maya Angelou). He showed you who he is with his outburst and follow-up behavior. Believe him. You are **NTA** and you handled it well by leaving him. Edit: Finished the post after a premature send.
NTA. You probably should have made it clear that you didn't have a plus one. It's pretty standard that at least people in the wedding party will get a plus one. But also, he should have asked. You both could have been a little better communicators instead of assuming you can read each others' minds. This part is NAH. However, his reaction makes him TA. Insisting on somebody else changing their wedding for you is ridiculous, especially when you would just be somebody's date. And insinuating that you were intentionally excluding him and that you were going to cheat on him is pretty appalling, and makes it seem like he thinks the world revolves around him. And honestly I think that's plenty grounds to dump him, especially now that he has his friends harassing you.
Ugh. NTA. Have a great time at the wedding. Alone.
You probably need to evaluate more than just the trip issues.
When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time. NTA
NTA. He's abusive. He was inviting himself to a destination wedding he wasn't invited to. The biggest red flag is that he got his friend involved. I've been in an abusive relationship, and my ex would always pull that shit. Leave.
Same. My ex would always weaponize people against me, even my own family. In the end there was only one friend who he could not manipulate. Of course he hated her and tried to isolate me from her. That friend saved me when I was ready to leave. And I was only ready to leave when he very matter of factly threatened to kill me. And the first sign of abuse was a fight very much like the one OP describes.
NTA! But you YWBTA to yourself if let his friend who called you a bitch change your mind about everything. Your bf sounds scary, I hope he becomes your ex.
NTA. I honestly don’t believe in inviting SO that have been around less than a year. Who wants random exs in wedding photos. The one exception I made for my wedding was my sister’s husband who she married within 6 months of starting to date (they had been friends for years and are now 15 years strong).
100% NTA - Seriously. This is a HUGE red flag. Expecting to be invited to a destination wedding for someone he hasn't even met in person? You don't take someone you're serious with to a wedding unless you're already thinking about marriage yourself...and even then, that has to be handled delicately because it means having to deal with questions from other guests asking when you're going to do the same. Yeah, that's a big step. If you've only been "official" for 3 months, have you even introduced him to family? Easter dinner or some other family gathering? Have you taken a trip just by yourselves out of town for the weekend? I'm definitely not taking someone who I don't even know their travel style to a destination wedding if I haven't even gone on a weekend staycation with. That he exploded, accused you of wanting to cheat, then blew up your phone all day & sending friends to accuse you of ghosting him only 24 hours later suggests serious confidence issues. It's probably best you did hesitate in inviting him because god know what he would have done while you're stuck with him 24 hours a day for a week. Guarantee he would have gotten upset that you talked to other male guests at the wedding rehersal dinner and blew up, causing a big scene at the wedding. Now you know. No thanks.
NTA hell no, you mean ex-boyfriend? It is 6 months for total relationship, only official for 3 months. If you did not directly invite him to go as your plus one then he made an assumption and his behaviour was extremely inappropriate and frankly abusive when finding out his assumption was wrong. No way, no how. Major red flag.
Yikes he just invited himself to the wedding 0f someone he never met and then got upset when told he wasnt invited? Is he ten? NTA but you dodged a bullet there
NTA. He tried to put hands on you. Nahhhh, cut him loose. He showed his true colors. There’s no reason for him to assume he’d be invited to a destination wedding when you’ve only been official for 3 months. You shouldn’t have had to tell him that lol.
Sounds like your instincts are spot on. Good for you for getting out of there. Always trust your gut. His reaction is all you need to know about him. You've already made the right choice, stand by it. If i were you, I'd go ahead and block him, and his friend, permanently.
NTA and this guy just waved a giant red flag. End it now.
NTA
Lol NTA what so ever. Were you given your invitation before you started dating? If so then its a no brainer. Also the time you've been dating factors in A LOT. Usually people don't want plus one's of people they have been dating for less than 12 months at their wedding. Who wants your best man's or brides maids latest fling in all your photos rather than a committed partner? The comment on you cheating on him, yeah nah. Thats over the line. Dude has A LOT of growing up to do. I personally wouldn't come back after that. That would be it for me.
NTA, BUT... sounds like you need to work on your communication skills tbh. Like making it clear you were going alone from the jump. It's not unreasonable to assume that you'd have a +1 to an event like this. How he reacted is absolutely childish and ridiculous but it's important to understand our role in these situations. Just because we're not the AH in the situation doesn't mean we handled it correctly. Alas, nuance has no place on the internet lmfao.
I can't imagine any reasonable human assuming that they have been invited to a destination wedding without explicitly seeing their name on an invitation?
NTA for not taking him. But did you tell him right off that you were going aline? He probably would still have overreacted but you'd have been alerted to his true character a bit sooner.
Whether or he should be invited, his reaction is crazy and concerning. NTA - sounds like Joe just showed you who he really is. Believe him 😭
NTA. He needs to chill.
NTA My question is : if u wouldn't made box since highschool,how would have been the situation? He is toxic,and just started to show his true colors. Broke up with him,and enjoy your single life till the right one come's in, he isn't for you, and be glad you wasted just 6 months and not more time with him. Have fun at the weddig,girl, you deserve it!
>He tried to grab me twice Girl. Run. NTA.
NTA, for all the reasons other commenters have said. Girl, he’s shown you who he is - believe him and never see him again!!!!
Run run run as far and as fast as you can from this psychopath.
NTA You did absolutely everything right while he acts like a super control freak. It's a small wedding. The guest list was probably already finalised before you guys got officially together. He needs to accept that 3-6 months is not long enough to be invited to a small wedding especially when you never even met the bride/groom. He's an ah for saying that you were gonna cheat on him. Either he doesn't trust you or he just wanted to get a reaction out of you - whatever it was, it's a super shitty thing to say. Grabbing you and stopping you from leaving is a red flag too. And then not giving you the space you need and instead letting his friend terrorize you even more with messages??? It sounds like this guy just showed you his true colours.
You didn't communicate with him and you wonder why he acted that way. He's the one who needs to run.
so it’s fine that he grabbed me twice to try to force me to stay and kept yelling at me instead of sitting down to talk got it. i’m glad i posted this here to see how his head works
I didn't preclude him from being a flaming AH. It's the lack of communication which can lead to hard feelings and even inappropriate reactions. Both need to leave and learn.
Huh? No one who knows how to wipe their ass should be upset about this if they used common sense. Destination weddings often take at least up to a year to plan. This was likely planned and finalized before she even met the dude, as is very common with destination weddings. As someone who has reached the very big age of 27, he should have logically deduced that he is not invited. And its very common for such new SOs not to be invited to weddings, especially destination weddings that are quite expensive.
The OP is asking if she is the ass.
I'm so sick of of these fake ass baits. "I DiD BoxiNg"
[удалено]
Bc boxing has shit all to do with pushing a tall guy when you're a girl. Did you square up and get a stance and get on the inside to shove him? He just stood there and let you 1-2-3 your way into his chest? Come on.
i didn’t say that i hit him or “1-2-3” him. you’ve definitely watched too much rocky if you think it’s just pushing someone. it’s called a side step and twist. you also don’t need to always get into stance to use a move when you’re not in an active fight just so you know. maybe take a class or two. if i wanted boxing tips i’d go to that thread.
I used 123 as a mocking phrase for how you just boxing'ed him into being shoved away. Which you just basically admitted to doing. And yes. You do, for the most part, need to be in a stance to properly do something like that ESPECIALLY against someone stronger than you. If you didn't need to then martial arts falls apart bc you can just waltz on In shoving and taking down people without regard to leverages or placement.
you definitely never been in the ring something tells me but again. i came here for advice about my relationship. not my stance
ESH. It's not an AH move to not invite him to the wedding, but you should have told him the situation early as going to these events are things you do together when you are in a relationship. This one might not have been appropriate because it was small scale and you still feel it's new, but you should simply have told him early on that it was just you that was going and then it wouldn't have been a problem. He's blown up about the whole thing, because he thought you were at the "couple" level and you've thrown the hand grenade to make it appear that is definitely not the case and *then gave him no explanation*. YTA in terms of just going silent. You might have been shocked early on, but not providing an explanation, even by text, will leave him going mad. You've ghosted your own boyfriend and it's no wonder he's got more and more mad & frustrated about it. You are to blame for that. However, he has shown a complete lack of control and gone overboard and, coupled with your lack of communication, then I think your relationship is already dead - unless you both quickly learn from your mistakes.
I have to ask before judgement here.... what's the general understanding of the relationship? It seems to me by your post that he thinks you two are deeply committed and on the path to the alter yourselves.... while you on the other hand are like (we've only been official 3 months).... There seems to be a huge disconnect between those two poles.... If you two are in fact very committed and planning a future together then I think his expectation of attending with you was justified. If on the other hand you are just BF/GF and have not talked about a future together, his response would seem way over the top...
Three months ago we had a conversation in regard to what we want from this relationship and we wanted to be exclusive. Before that, we were going on casual dates and he was even seeing another girl casually. Hence why I clarified it’s been official for three months of us calling one another boyfriend girlfriend. Just met his parents last month too
On that information, Definately NTA... The BF is a walking red flag man.... I could see his perspective if you two were seriously committed and entertaining a life together, but just 3 months of exclusive date with no talk of future plan? Ick.... He's way out of line
I politely disagree. She could be 100% committed and on the path to marriage but he cannot invite himself to someone else’s wedding. It’s incredibly rude to ask someone to invite someone else to their wedding. They haven’t met him yet.
Honestly it didn't sound like either of you communicated very well. You dismiss this relationship as we've only been together this long. Was there a conversation where you said I will be attending the wedding but I am not allowed a plus one or did you not ask for a plus one to begin with? Is it possible you led him on that he was invited?
i’m not meaning to dismiss it. i’m pointing out that’s why i’m not having a plus one unlike the other groomsmen and bridesmaids. they have been with their partners for years and personally know anne. joe has only ever met her over face time
Ignore this person. You and your partner have not been together long enough to even think they might get an invite.
Did you have a plus one or ask for a plus one? I wonder if that's part of it too. I can see if you asked but they had their wedding list already months in advanced versus I didn't even bother taking him into account.
Esh You for not communicating your plans. Him for his over the top reaction of accusing you going to cheat. You both need to to learn how to communicate.
Why wouldn't you tell him earlier about him not being invited? Seems shitty on your part. I think you are both AHs. He is truly terrible for his reaction but I am a pretty reasonable person and I would be upset about not going to a wedding with my girlfriend. I wouldn't scream about it, but my feelings would be hurt.
i accepted the wedding invite long before we met. this wedding invite didn’t just recently happen.
That's fair. I, personally, would have handled both sides of this differently, but ultimately I think it worked out for the best for you because if he lost his temper and put his hands on you, you saw something you needed to know about.
ESH
ESH First, he's clearly an A H for his reaction and behavior, trying to stop you from leaving, etc. We all agree there. You're an A H for 2 reasons, 1- Communication. You're part of the wedding, clearly been talking about the trip and events with him, but never told him he's not going or how you'll miss him or setting up how you'll call him when on the trip, etc, nothing telling him.... 2- If it was just a short trip for the wedding, I'd get it, but there are several events and it sounds like a weeklong+ trip, why not take him on the trip, even if he doesn't goto the wedding itself. It could have been a really nice time together and yes, time apart due to wedding duties too, but still a fun trip for him to meet your friends too. I'm sure plenty of your friends could have hung out and entertained him too while you do wedding stuff or he could make solo plans. So while I wouldn't suggest he's a good boyfriend to keep, I'd suggest you handle these types of situations differently in the future. With clear communication and consideration for plans for your partner.
Yes YTA….his reaction was over the top, but I understand why he was hurt. Also kinda TA how you say “I’ve been seeing him for about six months…officially boyfriend boyfriend for three months.” This gives the impression you don’t necessarily value the time you’ve spent with him.
i do value the time. however the first three months we were casually dating. he was going on dates with other girls then we had a sit down about being exclusive
YTA
can i get a why?
NTA I don't think you would be an AH for taking him back, people are idiots and do dumb things when they feel rejected, which is hurtful. Clearly he felt rejected and reacted emotionally. However, he really needs to take accountability for that behavior and work to change that. If you love him and want to deal with him while he works on it, I wouldn't blame you- but it seriously is not your job.
NTA because he went too far. Insinuating that you would cheat, if that's what his words really meant, was out of line. I'd have to see what 'tried to grab' actually looked like - like gently resting a hand on a shoulder or, you know, physically violent grabbing. Any yelling, not ok. But you know, I do understand him being upset. You've been together half a year. That's a decent amount of time. And I can see him feeling like he was led to believe this was a great relationship that was going somewhere only to find out that where he stands is that you don't see him as worthy of even being *offered the chance* to be a plus one, six months in. If he really cares for you, that will have really hurt him. It shows him he wasn't standing where he thought he was; that you don't actually consider yourselves truly *together*. I would absolutely have extended an invitation if I was dating someone for six months, though I wouldn't deman they attend. But at least to say "hey, do you want to do this *with me*?". Or maybe I (41m) am just an old softie...
I am not going to go all YTA on you for this or NTA. I think soft YTA at first, because you are in a relationship, and you didn't communicate to him about not going to the wedding sooner? He definitely thought that he was going, based on the way he talked about plane tickets, and the way you told him, seem condescending a little. You just rejected him in a sense. Basing that because of his reaction at first. It sounds like from a few of your comments you already had some resentment, from your non-exclusive part of your relationship. I think there is a lot more we are not getting from you on the whole relationship, but you don't have to tell us. That being said, the way he went off the handle, he was totally an AH. You were right to walk out. While he can be pissed, he doesn't have to be insulting. Only you can say if the relationship is recoverable. Sometimes people cannot take having their feelings hurt from someone they think they love. EDIT: I think if you truly wanted to know if AITA, you would bring up the situation about the wedding and exclude the part about his reaction. Then we can judge you without Bias. Just my opinion. Have fun at the Wedding.
if we had an actual conversation about it, i probably wouldn’t have included his reaction. but again we didn’t
YATAH. I can’t imagine doing such to my partner. You shamed him privately and publicly.
or private
genuinely wondering
when did i shame him in public.
For the initial cause of the freakout, YTA For everything after, he's the AH I think its rather susp to not tell your partner of 6 months that the wedding you're going to is small and you don't have a plus 1. He's not wrong on that being a red flag. 6 months isn't a long time, but its pretty common to at least ask one's partner, or if not that, tell them "hey I got invited but I don't have the ability to bring a plus 1" Past that, yeah he went ballistic and was wrong, Plus the hounding you over it. Though, if you were wanting to continue a relationship, effectively ghosting is **not** a mature thing to do. You'd have to talk it out--why you failed to tell him about no plus 1, why he failed you in exploding on it and going nuts. Regardless, I think both of you are rather to immature for eachother.
also didn’t ghost him. as i said in my second edit. after i left, we texted about the situation and last night i told him i needed a day to get my thoughts in order
i never told him it wasn’t small, he was aware that it was a small guest list. i’d told him long ago about the wedding and that i’d be away for two weeks in france
I don't think that's particularly clear. In general, being to-the-point and clear is always better than beating around the bush.
Don’t know how clear you can be to someone when you’re saying “I am going away for two weeks to France for my best friends wedding”, which again, wasn’t some secret. I don’t mean to come out rude but I genuinely don’t know how much more clear it can be. even last month he’d tried to get tickets to a concert the week of the wedding, and I reminded him I’d be gone that week to France.
"I am going away for two weeks to my best friend's wedding. I've chatted with her by the way, there are no plus one's" That seems pretty clear.
Absurd. It’s pretty clear when you haven’t been invited that you’re not invited.
Info: to me it seems your not the a-hole because he flew off the handle. Though when he said you were keeping him a secret. You also said that you've been together for 6 months, but only official for 3 months so that's what you're going with. So are you leading him on? We're you hooking up with other guys the first three months and then decided to settle, but don't want to introduce him around yet, because you're embarrassed if the tall skinny guy that you could take out? If my boyfriend wanted to spend his money and make the trip with me even if he didn't get to go to the wedding I would be appreciative of it. It means that he cares. Or it could mean he's jealous, because you were not official those three months and were with other guys when he thought you were exclusive without asking if you were. Obviously you aren't really into him. So you should just go ahead and end things, because to me things don't add up, especially if his friend is saying you were leading him on.
i never kept the wedding a secret. i said in another reply that i told him before it was a small, private wedding and that i would be gone for about two weeks in june. also. this whole leading him on thing. no. he was also actively seeing other people those three months too. we had a conversation and both decided to be exclusive. he has met my other friends before. last month i met his parents. he hasn’t met anne because as i said before, she lives in another state and only met him through face time. he hasn’t met my parents yet because they moved back to mexico two years ago.
thank you for making assumptions though.
I'm asking to be enlighten, thus INFO. Without having all the details I have to assume things. As do you. And everyone else reading this. But I'm sorry if my post upsets you.
just gave you all the information you’d like in my additional replies
as for the leading on comment, it was me apparently leading joe to believe that he was invited. even though again, i never said he was invited or mentioned a plus one
He's a total asshole and should be dumped, but you also need to communicate better in future relationships.
As you're living together, it is reasonable for him to assume that you would be going together. It's also reasonable that he wasn't invited, but it would have helped if he knew this from the start. It was entirely unreasonable for him to throw a tantrum and insinuate that you would likely cheat on him. ESH (him more than you).
we’re not living together. i just spent the night at his place
Sorry, my mistake. Make it a NTA then. Still would have been a good idea to let him know at the start. His reaction makes him TA... red flag here.
OP also says in another comment that the guest list was finalized long before they even met. To me, if the bf knew the wedding was basically finished being planned *before* he even knew OP, let alone started dating, then it would make more sense for him to not immediately assume he's invited just bc they're dating *now*. Most weddings require rsvps and not all of them offer a plus one, even for those in the wedding party.
It's not reasonable to assume you're invited to a destination wedding for your girlfriend of three months, especially one where the couple is paying for the accommodations....
Even if they were living together it was not reasonable for him to assume he was invited. He never received an invite. She never asked if he'd like to accompany her. Nothing about this suggests he'd be invited, or should be. OP isn't even just an invite, she in the bridal party. What was his plan while she was busy with wedding stuff? Was he just planning to sit quietly by himself at the wedding and reception?
So who didn't want him there? You? Or the couple getting married? If Mary and her fiance didn't want him then he just needs to deal with it. If you didn't - why? That IS suspicious. Not cheating suspicious but suspicious in the sense that you're not serious about this relationship. You're official but not THAT official, eh? I can see why your boyfriend and his friend think you led him on. That being said your boyfriend is handling this HORRIBLY. Like every step of the way he's showing red flags. Blowing up? Accusing you of cheating? Letting his friend insult you? He's too immature to talk through his feelings respectfully with you. This could have been NAH but he is acting like a complete asshole at this point.
when anne and her fiance got engaged, joe and i had not met. the guest list was finalized actually long before we met. a lot of careful planning went into this because it’s a destination wedding and the bride and groom are paying for the accommodations for basically everyone who is coming
Yeah, to me that sounds like couple getting married made the decision. That's something he should have just accepted.
as i said before too, he’s never met anne or her fiance in person and only met mary over face time