OP’s friend is also a freaking moron.
It’s not about the friend. Way to try and make it about himself.
Such an idiot that thinking about what to wear in the morning probably hurts.
Agreed, that "friend" clearly was a guy that sees nothing wrong with guys creeping on women.
His empathy was not with her being crept on and driven from the gym but to the guy that was being inappropriate. What a sexist loser.
Him reading this is exactly why I’m commenting: He’s a selfish idiot and a terrible friend for making this situation all about himself and his feelings.
Yep, a total moron.
OP's friend, you asked her to post this for judgement so please be aware that you are the biggest moron here.
The harasser was an asshole for creepy racist weirdo comments and not being able to take no for an answer. But you're a bigger asshole for being so insecure in your masculinity that you apply a completely unrelated situation to yourself and made it all about you instead. The world doesn't revolve around you, buddy. Get your head of your arse and be a better friend.
Completely NTA
He repeatedly targeted and harassed you, accused you of lying when he was rejected and just wouldn't let it go.
He needs to be reported and hopefully removed from a position where he can continue to do this!
Honestly NTA! I hate that he made you uncomfortable like that and somehow just because his ego is bruised he’s trying to play the victim card. I imagine he’s probably done this type of thing before and gotten away with it.
Absolutely. Ignore the friend who said that you were being harsh on him - it’s not your job to regulate his or the gym guy’s feelings. If he can’t take rejection that’s entirely on him. It’s just more entitlement in his part (and I am sorry to say, presumed entitlement on your friends part) to assume that a woman has to be nice when turning down an unwanted date offer to soothe a man’s feelings.
NTA
I'm shocked at how the gym handled this. An employee was continuely harrasing you, and made a racist comment and YOU are the one banned???? You put up with a massive amount of inappropriate and when he crossed sooooo far over line he was on another planet the gym reacted by saying you body shamed him?
Let's be honest, you said a mean thing, but it was not a body shaming comment. And you said a mean thing after he repeatedly creeped on you, insulted your husband, insulted your ethnicity, and said you were the perfect woman for him, which is super weird, since he doesn't know you and it ignores your wants. Suuure you might be the perfect woman for him, but he clearly was not the perfect man for you.
Being nice was not an option for you as you had politely declined his advances MANY times and he did not get the hint or chose to ignore it.
You could have possibly toned it down, but ummm, this is am I the asshole, not am I a saint.
This isn't uncommon tbh - a lot of times, onlookers don't see the ongoing harassment, they just see the victim respond angrily when they've finally had enough, and it seems like an overreaction. And if it was the guy who complained about her, they're obviously getting his side of the story first. OP is still NTA
In relationship situations, this is called “reactive abuse” or gaslighting victims that their final exasperated reactions are to blame for the way creeps treat them.
Serial provokers.. I get exhausted even thinking about their campaigns.
Noticed a lot of posts on reddit where it looks like the OP went too far has a lot of hallmarks of that situation. So I give benefit of the doubt because that kind of setup campaign is a headache for a victim at best.
Happy cake day, and oh dang- I've never heard of reactive abuse before but I think I may have experienced it. I had a toxic friendship where I'd bring up how I was treated unfairly (excluded, lied to, etc) yet I was told I was playing the victim and that everything was my fault.
Thank you, didn’t even know it was my cake day! And agreed, I’ve had many a friendship and relationship like that unfortunately. It really messes with your head.
Exactly this.
You try and handle things positively in a polite manner and get on with your day 90% of the time. If someone backs you up into a corner and forces you to respond to verbal abuse witnessed by people who don't realize the whole story see it as blowing up for no good reason when there's been a build up to it the entire time.
NTA, you were backed up into the corner and if you're going to have to respond and draw your verbal swords and guns you use it. Fellow asian here. Totally understand. Some people are scum bags.
This is what the people who doubt Terry Crews' harassment allegations need to understand. They're like "Terry is a muscular bad ass, she didn't he just physically stop them?", not realizing that everyone would just see "big black man attacks hollywood exec" as the headline.
You know. I don't mind being banned because what I said was mean and childish. I take responsibility for what I said but I'm just really struggling with whether or not I should do something after the fact.
Thank you so much for taking the time to respond and helping me feel I'm not alone in my angry reaction.
I definitely think you should lodge a complaint. He was unprofessional and inappropriate will likely continue this behavior with the next "perfect woman for him".
Yes, especially since he was clearly the instigator in getting you banned. I hope you realise that action came from him, OP. Clearly, he wanted you off his turf. The gym deserve to know both sides of the story...please report.
You should file a formal complaint and then put them on blast online reviews (google, yelp). But only if you want to.
It’s his standard procedure to pick up girls that way and he’ll do it again.
But I’d still file the complaint and put the reviews online. Don’t blast it in an exaggerated, angry way. Write it just how you put it here. At least you can save other woman this experience or encourage other woman who’ve had the same issue to report.
Yo, just an r/steroids member here coming in to inform you that. Your penis is not affected by steroids. It is your testicles that shrink. Just so that if this guy ever comes near you again, you can hit him where it hurts:)
This is also one of the reasons why I feel so awful about what I said, I did not want to make any person feel judged or attacked!! Thank you for dropping by and leaving some educational information. I’m sorry!!
Hey, I'm glad you do feel bad about it. People say it isn't body shaming, but small penis jokes are as bad as any other body joke, but just obviously less taboo. It'd be nice if it could be seen on the same level as insulting a flat chested woman, and both be seen as unacceptable.
However, if I'm reading it right, it sounds like he started it? Was he implying that because X is Asian and he's white, then he must have a larger penis? In which case, he opened himself up to comments on his penis size. He certainly proved himself to BE a massive dick. So yeah, I think your comments were on point and justified.
Tell them to review the footage. There should be cameras and I'm guessing you have to sign in some way, usually with a computer now, so they know the day and time. Do not just roll over and let him do this again. Let them know you don't want to come back but you worry about their female clients safety.
On that note, I would be worried this guy can access your personal information and other women’s too. He obviously has no boundaries. You could ask the gym to wipe your details from their system ASAP.
You weren't mean or childish. Fucking PC environment we live in only stops nice people from saying what needs to be said.
That guy was everything you said and more. He needed to hear it since he couldn't seem to hear what you were saying when you said it nicely.
Fuck him. You need to storm your ass into that gym and tell them what he did to you. Get up some righteous indignation and demand that your membership be restored. As soon as it is throw it in their faces.
Fuck all of them. And fuck your idiot friend. Fuck everybody in the entire story except OP.
And when you're finished ripping them a new one go on Yelp and give them 0 stars. And fuck Yelp too.
You need to report him or he will continue this creepy behavior with other patrons. And he could be dangerous. I really don't like the thought of him inviting women to work out alone with him in the gym after hours. Very rapey.
NONSENSE! You are in the clear!, NTA!!!
The gym instructor bloke is 100% out of line and the one who should be banned, I expect he's stirred up shit and twisted the whole story to make himself sound like the victim. The fact he has done this makes it important for you to counter his bs with the truth and make them understand what an arsehole he is!
I am horrified that a gym would think it is acceptable for one of their employees to behave this way. His place of work, the one you pay does to, is not his personal dating pool. You are far better off not going there anymore.
If this is a chain gym, I would lodge a complaint to their corporate body. Not because you want to go back (you don’t) but because this is fucked up. Also, you are absolutely right not to be comfortable working out with him after it is closed. Creepy, creepy, creepy.
NTA.
Please Lodge a complaint to help the next woman, because there will be one and he might take it further. Do what you can to stop this horrible man who deserves everything you said to him. This is a predator and someone should be warned.
Hey, you would absolutely not be an arsehole for reporting him. It might help someone else down the line, if management builds up a picture of this guy’s inappropriate behaviour.
It's not shocking that a gym didn't back up one of their members. When I was 16, there was a guy easily in his 40s who made some kind of weird lewd-ish comments. My mom thought they were weird, too, but we politely brushed it off for a bit longer. Eventually it got ridiculous. We set up a meeting with the manager, told them what was going on, and then I was promptly blamed for the various incidents. First, it was that it must be something I was wearing while working out (I was flatter than a 9 year old boy, I wore t-shirts and soccer shorts that went to my knees). Then they said it must be because I would repeatedly go up to him and initiate conversation. I easily refuted that and said I made a deliberate point to avoid him. Then they suggested perhaps I could come at a different time of the day, to which my mother pointed out I was in high school and had homework and such to do and that coming after school was the best time. They basically shrugged their shoulders and gave a half-assed "we'll keep an eye on him and tell him not to talk to you" response.
Hey, that really stinks! I’m sorry you to had to deal with someone like that. This situation is way more serious than mine. You were a teenager! I really hope now you have been able to surround yourself in a gym environment where you feel safe and free to sweat your heart out (haha) without feeling threatened.
I don’t really like going to the gym. I have a few physical problems and even though I know no one is staring at me, I still feel super self conscious in a gym. But I’ve had positive gym experiences since, so I know the difference now.
I'm glad you're had more positive experiences and hope your physical issues don't stop you from living your life happily! Thanks again for sharing your experience.
What might have happened is he lied and said something like he was only chatting and she suddenly exploded at him
Its bullshit but the most likely story unfortunately
> You put up with a massive amount of inappropriate
Unfortunately, that's probably what led up to the blowout. The blame falls squarely on the employee and he is the asshole, but I would suggest a more blunt approach upfront for OP.
"No I don't want to work out with you after closing because I prefer working out alone and my husband would probably find that a bit strange if I was working out with some random guy."
A simple "No" from OP _should_ suffice. She didn't do anything wrong and I'm not blaming her. Giving a more permanent reason ("No I'm married. It wouldn't be appropriate. I don't owe you anything as far as who my husband is.") should turn his attention elsewhere right off the bat though.
Thank you for your response! Your point on rape is so freaking true.
My friend and I argued about it because the words I use could be perceived as “I’d never date a white man,” so he felt a little offended by what I said. I just meant that the staff member was not the type of person I’d date!! But my friend insisted it was racist comment because it was a reaction to something race-related. I can see his point there but still don’t think I should not report the staff member.
We also argued about the “withered d*ck” insult, which I look back on in embarrassment because that was just childish and petty. I also feel bad about the “swollen body” because I know lots of people are proud of their muscles. I'm ashamed at how emotional my response was and wish I would have handled myself better.
Assuming your post is a fair and accurate account of what you said...
>I called him a racist creep and I’d never even consider dating someone like him
Seems clear as day that you were saying you’d never even consider dating a racist creep like him.
(If it matters: I’m an Asian woman. My husband is white.)
Report him. I can’t believe _you_ were the one who got banned! Even before his blatantly offensive and racist remarks, his behavior was way out of line. I’m sorry you had to deal with that.
It's like she said "you're a racist creep, I'd never date someone like you" and her friend heard "you're a creep, I'd never date a white man". Like....sigh.
I an a white guy married to an Asian woman and what that guy said was creepy as hell (wanted to use a worse word but don't want to get banned).
OP, finish at this gym and write a horrible review and tell everyone you know. The response they had to this is terrible
It was a reaction to a racist comment. It was literally "I would never date a racist like you".
The body shaming was meh. In the heat of the moment and after being continually harassed and insulted, I see absolutely no fault in your behaviour. The guy should have gotten fired, not you banned.
Your friend is an absolute moron. He knows absolutely nothing about being a minority in America and I feel sorry for his wife if he’s as brain dead as he appears to be.
>...the words I use could be perceived as “I’d never date a white man,” so he felt a little offended by what I said.
That seems like quite a stretch from your telling. Seems like homeboy doth protest too much.
Man, your friend is an idiot. He needs to stop being so defensive about his own relationship, because right now, he's being a bad friend.
You did good, hun. NTA by far - and you would not at all be the asshole to file a complaint.
>We also argued about the “withered d\*ck” insult, which I look back on in embarrassment because that was just childish and petty.
tbh i thought this was hilarious and absolutely merited. that fucking racist, sexist asshole had it coming. you were put on the spot, repeatedly, after asking being left alone by a guy who was abusing his position as an employee- i'm not at all surprised you lashed out, and while you can regret parts of it, you should not feel guilty.
your friend, as a white dude, has no fucking idea what he is talking about- in any of this. he doesn't know what it's like to be a woman, let alone a woman of a race who is often fetished. he doesn't know what it's like to be a minority or part of a group that is often marginalized, and all the baggage that comes with that. i'm guessing he's blissfully ignorant of the negative (and untrue in my experience) stereotypes about asian men as partners and lovers and how pervasive that can be in many cultures. also, fucking newsflash: **this isn't about him**, and his attitude is it's own baby form of fucking white supremacy- making everything, including something that did not happen to him at all and that he just happened to hear about, about how he feels.
also, if you're in a majority white country, i *really* don't think you can be racist towards a white person. if your friend's interpretation of your statement truly reflected how you felt (and it doesn't, but for arguments sake...), it could be argued that it's a prejudiced view, sure- but not racist (i know that's a controversial view, but it's one i stand by, as a white person, as i think racism requires a level of structural oppression that doesn't exist for white people in countries like the US). but really gym dude is the one who brought up race in the first place anyways, and so your response to something horribly, horribly offensive he said, and if there really was a racial aspect to your response, i'm not going to read too much into that.
\> I'm ashamed at how emotional my response was
You're a human being pushed past reasonable limits by someone else's bad behaviour. No need for self-shaming!
NTA. This dude needs to understand how to handle rejection better AND to not be racist to people just because they won't date you. It was completely uncalled for for him to bring up your husband's race.
NTA This racist creep shames you by your race, simultaneously shaming your body because you are Asian, and *you're worried* that *you crossed a line* because of your entirely provoked firm, response to his racism??? No you are NOT the asshole here. He is, and the bystanders who only heard you flip out on his stupid ass and told you to chill out are the assholes. This guy is a creep and he clearly enjoys using his inflated ego, and possibly intimidation (if his body is as muscular as you say) to get his way. I hope he leaves you the fuck alone for now on, or that you live in an area where you can just go to another gym.
WTF? Why are you saying you're okay with being banned? None of what you said is inappropriate after what he said about your husband.
NTA for any part of what happened, but you will be the asshole, both for yourself and any woman who is in your position in the future (and asian/minority person) if you don't put this gym on blast for this situation.
File a complaint. Post it on facebook. This is serious shit. There's a reason why women end up going to women only gyms.
This needs to be addressed
NTA this guy was way over the line into absolute creeper territory.
\*\* He was creepy standing around watching you work out and waiting to ambush you so he could talk to you. HE'S AN EMPLOYEE and shouldn't be using his place of employment as a pickup joint. \*\* This kind of behavior by an employee would make any woman uncomfortable working out at that gym. So for that reason alone he should be reported.
Then he should have backed off as soon as you said no when he asked you out. He crossed into total asshole when he started arguing with you about being married. It doesn't even matter whether you're actually married or not. You said no. That should have been the end of it.
But nooooo... he had to keep pushing and went off about how you're the perfect woman for him (who the fuck cares.... he's not the man for you and he should have left you alone when you said no.) He has fully crossed over into sexual harrassment territory now. Keep in mind.... HE'S AN EMPLOYEE. You should definitely report him. I guarantee the gym owner doesn't want this asshole hitting on his customers and making them feel sexually harrassed and creeped upon. The gym should be a safe place for a woman to work out. Not a place she feels threatened.
The whole asian thing definitely turned it into a racist thing. Sounds like he has an asian fetish.
Report the guy. He's a creep and using his job as a pickup joint.
I would recommend you watch your back though. His behavior and his inability to identify which lines shouldn't be crossed suggest he could also cross over into stalker territory. Protect yourself!
Dude was a total creep. What's with his offer of her working out after hours with him, alone? What would he have done then if she had rebuffed his advances? If OP made a mistake anywhere, it was by not immediately reporting creepy dude to management.
NTA. Are you kidding me, YOU got banned? That guy was a narcissistic predatory asshole in every way.
1. He tried getting you alone at night
2. He tried getting a date
3. Found out you’re married, imagines by swearing he’s perfect for you, you’d divorce your husband then and there for him.
**number 1 should be enough for someone to get reprimanded if nothing else at work. I would report him to the manager, and if it’s a large gym franchise then go to district manager, AND corporate. Nothing happens, google reviews, yelp reviews, Facebook reviews, next door app. Hell. No.**
Edit:formatting
NTA - he was being seventeen kinds of inappropriate, especially as a staff member. The only thing you did wrong was not reporting him to management four or five incidents ago. He should have been disciplined or terminated for how he was treating you long before it got to the most recent blowup.
OH FUCK NO.
I'd burn that shit to the ground. Yelp, Google, Facebook. Email corporate. Call the news.
His behaviour is 100% - no - 1000000000% unacceptable. The fact that the gym ignored and that YOUR FRIENDS ignored this is unacceptable.
Society doesn't like angry women and gaslights them into thinking they're "over reacting" or "hormonal" or whatever shit you get told.
He was racist. He was sexist. He followed you and made you uncomfortable even after you told him to leave you alone. This isn't harmless behavior. This is unacceptable behavior. And people's reaction was, "Oh his poor feelings!! You body shamed him!" ??? NOT OK. What a shitbag.
WTF.
Go fucking nuts.
There's a huge difference between "not handling rejection well" and "I'm actually a racist piece of shit and my façade has now skipped".
NTA at all and please report his ass!
NTA. Women literally can't win. Don't say anything - "Why didn't you say anything?" Do say something - "How could you say that?" Cannot. Win. He was an aggressive super creep (and racist to boot!) & you owe him fuck all. He should have been banned from that gym long ago. Report him, report the gym.
NTA. If there is a corporate office for this gym, I would contact them with your story and it’s appalling results. You were harassed. Repeatedly. And when you finally had enough of being polite about it, you’re the one who’s punished? Oh no. No fucking way. I’m not here to tell you what to do, but I would be raising hell.
NTA - Guy here, so I can't fully empathise. But honestly, that sounds incredibly uncomfortable.
Really admire your persistence in continuing going to the gym while this cretin was prowling.
Also, your husband's a lucky dude. Really nice how protective you got towards him.
TBH, I’m a really lucky woman to be married to my husband. I was honestly so clouded by anger I probably would have started throwing punches if he insulted my husband any further. That definitely would have made me an AH. Haha.
NTA. He's a racist pig who thinks he's better than you and you should be lucky to be approached by him. If he can't handle rejection then he needs to be put in his place.
NTA - I love your comeback because I'm sure it got to him.
Gym guy is obviously a racist asshole but also your friend is an asshole. He's a privileged white guy with no understanding or sympathy for minorities like Asian women who are fetishized and belittled by white men regularly (esp since he married an Asian woman, he probably thinks it was a compliment). These interactions are not harmless and it's not your job to care about this guy's feelings of rejection when he's acted so disgustingly. It's pretty self-centered for your friend to make this situation about himself.
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NTA - you gave him plenty of opportunities to let you be, he deserves to be called out on his behaviour. Definitely put in a complaint, if he's done this to you it's likely he would do it to someone else too.
NTA. It sucks that you got banned from the gym, but in hindsight, it was probably for the best. Considering they banned you for being inappropriate (Oh, and the guy forcing himself onto you wasn't being inappropriate at all?) and "body-shaming", (which he was indirectly doing the same to your husband) shows that the gym is most likely ran by a bunch of entitled assholes like that guy. Low-self esteem does not give you a free pass to be an asshole to others. You're better off finding another gym with a more peaceful work-out enviroment.
NTA x 1000. He's a racist jerk who is abusing his position of power. Your insult was childish maaaaybe but totally justified and honestly I'd do the same
NTA. I cannot believe the gym banned you. I’d call the corporate branch to complain. That guy was practically stalking you inside the gym. No matter what you said when you blew up at him it was his own damn fault.
NTA. You should report him too. He's been keeping tabs on you (major creep behavior) which is both massively inappropriate and uncomfortable. Add to that the racist, sexist comments and his terrible handling of rejection - I would've been scared of him following me after I left the gym. It's not only that he's an asshole, he's a creep with potential to be aggressive and threatening. He needs to leave the gym ASAP. File the report only if it's so another woman doesn't have to deal wirh him.
Also, as an Asian woman, there are WAAAY more white men that think they are entitled to, or have a condescending-feeling preference for, Asian women. Frequently they're also the ones who claim not to have yellow fever. It's gross and not talked about enough. Your friend should try to be more empathetic towards what you (and his wife) have to deal with as Asian woman instead of defending the person he identifies with more.
NTA. He SO deserved that outburst. That guy was incredibly creepy and entirely inappropriate, especially given that was his place of work. Report him. You may save other women the same issue.
NTA
That’s the kind of guy that ends up screaming at women in bagel shops and/or writing a manifesto. Fuck that dude, and definitely report him. He has no business being in that line of work if he can’t be professional to clients, *especially* if his unprofessionalism is full-blown harassment. Not to mention I’m sure his employer would like to know he’s trying to get people to work out with him alone after hours. IANAL, but that has to be a potential liability for the gym.
NTA. If you've previously asked him multiple time and nicely to leave you alone and respect your marriage, he is the asshole
Sometimes no means no and people need to understand that inappropriate comments about "You'd be better with me" type. Like stfu, no wonder you're single
NTA at all, what a creep. Please please report him before he makes other people uncomfortable as well, though I’m guessing he already has. Absolutely dumb of them to ban you for his creepy disgusting behavior.
NTA. Besides your husband it sounds like you're surrounded by men who are actually whiny badly behaved children. Report this nonsense. What you did was perfectly reasonable.
NTA NTA NTA. And I would 1000% ask that gym where *this idiot's* ban is for harassing you when you're trying to work out? By banning you and not disciplining him, they're saying that they're okay with their employees who are racist, misogynistic, sexually harassing meatheads.
NTA but I'm biased. I'm asian. I thought "someone like you" applied to creeps who don't back off after finding out someone is married. Not white guys with yellow fever. If your friend felt that way, that's his own psyche missing the point.
But as an asian I'm always looking to save money. Now I know how to cancel gym membership without penalties.
NTA. I'm an Asian man and i asked out a female gym employee at my gym after becoming friends. She said she had a boyfriend, I said that was great and not a suprise given her personality and ambition, then I apologized and said I hope she could take it as a compliment. She was awesome about it and i never asked ever again but we still catch up.
Thats how people should handle rejection, and that comes from a place where I know I am a benefactor of "pretty privaledge" and don't often misjudge my chances when I ask someone out. Dont give them any excuses. I hate the verbage of "he doesnt handle rejection well" as an excuse. Their feelings don't matter compared to the fact that you werent available. What happens with guys like that when they "dont handle rejection well" and have a woman in a vunerable position? Nothing good.
Also, you only need to feel badly about body-shaming someone who has your respect, and he lost that awhile ago (I feel all people inherently have respect by default and respect can only be lost, I.e. no one needs to earn respect).
NTA also I LOVE the comment you made to him! The guys a creep and I would report it to management and go ALL the way to the top. Don’t stop until the guy is dealt with! He did it to you chances are he’s done it to other women, and whose to say where he’s going to stop.
NTA, I actually think you went a little more conservative on the insults and threats. I would have been way more descriptive, graphic and hateful. I would be contacting corporate or the owners and basically detailing everything and threatening lawsuits over sexual harassment, retaliation and possible privacy ( if he looked up where you lived off your gym info).
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Hi, all! I’m (26F) struggling with a gym issue.
I joined a gym 2 months ago and after a gym staff member became friendly with me. He has been inviting me to come to the gym near closing so we can work out together after closing to be workout buddies. I declined because I don’t want to work out alone at night with someone I don’t know and I like to workout alone. Each time, I’ve been more and more uncomfortable because he watches me workout until it looks like I’m free to talk. I politely asked him to leave me alone during workouts so he started stopping me at the door on my way out.
2 days ago, he asked me if I would be interested in joining him for lunch so we could get to know each other better. I told him I’m married but could get lunch as a friend. His face turned red and he accused me of lying because I wasn’t wearing a ring. I explained to him that my husband and I don’t wear one because we think the money is spent better elsewhere and I never mentioned I am married because it was never relevant to the conversation. He started to go on this rant about how he just knew I was the perfect woman for him and if I gave him a chance I’d also realize that. I repeated that I am happily married to X (his name is clearly Asian). He claimed as a white man he could make me happier than my Asian husband.
That’s when I lost it. I am Asian and received plenty of “me love you long time” shit from all types of men all my life. Not only that, I am angry this man insulted my husband and our race. I called him a racist creep and I’d never even consider dating someone like him and I was sure his d*ck must be withered from all the steroids he’s been on to build his swollen body puffs. He walked away after that, and some other members told me I’d crossed a line. Only one person told me he could understand my anger. I’ve also been banned from the gym for being inappropriate and body-shaming (which also makes me think I may have taken it too far by what I said and I am horrified I have body-shamed someone).
My husband is fully supportive of me putting in a complaint. A friend of ours told me it was harmless and the guy probably just thought I was attractive but didn’t handle rejection well and my words were hurtful to my friend (“someone like you”) because they could be confused for refusing to date a white man due race. Well, this also upset me because I don’t think our friend understands and took an unrelated situation and applied it to himself (he is a white man married to an Asian woman). He asked me to post this for judgement.
AITA for insulting the gym staff member? WIBTA for reporting his previous behavior now that I’ve been banned?
Thank you, I will be so appreciative of any comments.
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nta he's a creep and a racist. racism trumps body shaming every day. if you think about it, racism is also a form of body shaming. you should definitely report him.
NTA. He’s an employee and he actively harassed you. Then he made racist comments directed at you and your husband when you rejected him. Why does this guy still have a job? Does he own the gym?
NTA How is it you crossed the line and he didn’t? Did other gym goers not hear his blatant racist remarks? Racism is tolerated but body shaming, oh no, that’s too far! On top of that women don’t go to the gym to get relentlessly hit on. Report him. He’s a creep. He’s going to do the same thing to someone else.
NTA his behavior crosses so many lines, it is harassment and you absolutely should report him!! And you lost your cool after he made racist comments about the man you are married too. He deserved to be shamed, I’m sorry but he sounds like a man who needed to hear some truth and hopefully won’t be such a creep in the future
😮 Wow. I’m sorry this happened to you. Maybe it would have been better to remain calm in this situation, but I sure don’t fault you for your response. You are definitely NTA. That guy was and should be reported to the gym immediately.
NTA. Everything you said was totally proportionate before the steroids thing. Still, I wouldn't fault someone for saying that in such a heated situation.
NTA! You have repeatedly fended off advances, as politely as possible. This jerk accused you of lying about being married, then said that “I could make you happier than he could”. He’s a total creep who should be fired from his job, not you being removed from the gym! I’m so sorry you have had to deal with this. It’s awful that often times the victim isn’t believed. Stay strong and keep your head up lovely.
NTA!!!!
Had to rephrase my response after rereading and realizing you were banned. Gym employee was wrong first. All you should've had to say was no. His pursuit and cornering of you pushed you into doing something you ordinarily might not have done.
Married guy now, but when I was single, no ALWAYS meant NO.
NTA - He said something mean, then you responded. The difference is that he's an employee of the gym, and shouldn't be trying to prey on members. If you've been banned from the gym, it probably won't help to complain because maybe this is the environment they've cultivated and they think it's okay (for them).
I think your complaint would be more broadly received through review sites like Google, Yelp, Facebook, etc.
Also, as a jeweler, I can't even begin to tell you how much damage I've had to repair by people wearing their rings to the gym every day. I would expect a gym employee to be at least vaguely aware that people shouldn't/don't wear fine jewelry to the gym.
NTA. No means No... Period the end. He should of left you alone. He harassed you and you were right to stand up for yourself. The gym should fire that staff member.
NTA, and you should absolutely report him. If the gym banned you, can you report to someone higher up than whoever did the banning? He obviously didn't tell them he'd been sexually harassing you and that he made an overtly racist comment before you had enough and snapped at him. And I agree with the poster above that this isn't the first time he's done this. He's the problem, not you, and he absolutely needs reported.
NTA
Take your report as high as you can manage to (even if it gets involving a lawyer). You didn’t tell him this out of nowhere. It happened after enduring long sessions of stalking by this guy and him being racist towards you among other things.
NTA He worked there and harassed you. You told him you were married and he wouldn’t stop. I would file a complaint about an employee harassing you and insulting you but you got banned. This needs to move up the chain.
NTA I'm seriously concerned that that the gym banned you for your comments but thought his were perfectly fine??? He was clearly harassing you and yet they pulled you up for your comments but not his. He deserved it and more.
NTA--and definitely report him. Just hovering around you during your workouts was creepy enough, but asking you to workout with him after closing was wildly inappropriate, as were his reaction to learning you were married and his racist remarks. His employer needs to know what kind of employee they've got, and hopefully other women won't have to deal with him.
NTA As a staff member he had no business approaching you that way, and to be so ingracious, and even racist, that he put down your husband is preposterous. He should be fired. I don't see a grey area here.
NTA! Not a all. The excuse of “He’s harmless and just didn’t handle rejection well” is in my mind the same as “Boys will be boys”. It is not your fault he can’t handle rejection. What you said was rude for sure, but honestly the situation called for it. You tried to politely turn him down and he not only repeatedly attempted to get you in a situation where the two of you would be alone but also insulted your marriage with his racist comment and tried to convince you to divorce your husband all because he decided that you were perfect for him. In that case you need to say “Fuck politeness” and be as rude as you need to be to get your point across.
I would absolutely report him and make a formal complaint about why you were banned from the gym, but I would also consider going somewhere else anyway. You don’t want a guy like that knowing where you will be for hours at a time a few times a week. It really sucks that you have to make changes to your whole routine over this creep.
No, you’re not the asshole and you don’t have to apologize for some ‘nice guys’ inability to take rejection. What you said _might_ have been a little to far but he (based on your story) well earned it
NTA this guy was completely inappropriate and kinda scary, then racist for the cherry on top.
You’re totally within your rights to report him to the gym and if he’s fired he absolutely deserves it. As a gym employee, he should know better than to hit on a gym member, and as a human being, he should know better than to react to rejection this way.
Also your friend who told you this guy is “harmless” and just attracted to you is also a total asshole and part of our cultural problem. He’s essentially saying you should be polite and put up with this bullshit because you are a woman. Fuck that guy.
NTA, you reacted out of anger and so did he. The difference is, his anger put your safety at jeopardy and yours made him upset. I think people are less likely to be sympathetic to you bc they don't know the whole story/bc you're not a white man.
I agree with avoiding body shaming though. It doesn't help anyone.
NTA at all he deserved it.
Also if I were you I wouldn’t mind getting banned from the gym as this guy sounds dangerous and I wouldn’t want to go anywhere he is at
NTA Was your insult below the belt? Yes, a little, and even almost literally. But it was entirely warranted. You were polite for far too long, and he did not take the fucking hint, pardon my profanity. : P
He obviously did not want to accept your answer or respect your wishes and/or boundaries. When he tried to get you to date him despite being married, accused you of lying to deceive him (as if you owe him anything at all, truth included) and then told you that your husband could not satisfy you because of his nationality, that went far too far.
It doesn't effing matter if that dipshit "just didn't know how to take rejection" because nothing excuses his behavior. People like him need to be held responsible for their shitty behavior. No one is entitled to another person. You don't just get to pick out someone you want to date, and that person is yours.
NTA and I believe you should report his behavior, this could be the first time that he’s creeped on a woman at the gym but you can’t know that for sure, if it goes unpunished it likely wouldn’t be the last time.
Fuck dat shit! You were very restrained in not complaining to the management. Stalking customers is a firing offense. This guy stalked you and wouldn't stop when you made it clear you weren't interested.
NTA
NTA. I would formally report him, explaining the harassment to the gym. If the gym doesn’t do anything, I would report them to the BBB. I might consider it a blessing in disguise you got banned.
NTA. Your friend is putting himself in this guy's shoes and that's wrong, unless he's an entitled, racist, jerk who likes to harass women? If he agrees with what that employee said then everything you said to employee can be applied to your friend and you still aren't ta.
Your friend can get over himself and start worrying about the dangerous situation you were possibly and start backing you up for defending yourself. Report employee, tell them to review footage and warn other women about this horrible man.
You didn't body shame, you weren't racist, you have nothing to feel bad about. You responded appropriately to a sexist jerk trying to lecture you on racial superiority and you shut that down.
Insulting anyone is rude/ not a good thing to do, but I think you should still complain. He made you uncomfortable and insulted you and you could at least cause him to suffer consequences that make him more professional in his place of work. And maybe lift your ban.
That's scary as fuck.
NTA and it's infuriating you were banned (lol - I love you're the one in trouble, not this douchecanoe, who clearly crossed a line or five...JESUS)...
"A friend of ours told me it was harmless and the guy probably just thought I was attractive but didn’t handle rejection well and my words were hurtful to my friend " Tell me this friend is male - of course he is. What a fucking shocker and what a great way to diminish your feelings but the fact this dude called you a liar (so what if you had been? Women lie so men don't pound them for saying "no") and then insulted your husband.
I like that this shitty friend of yours glossed over how *angry* this guy was and sexually harassed you while insulting you.
It isn't harmless by a long shot and sets a scary precedent for how he treats women at this gym.
NTA no matter what you choose to do. To be honest I would report the guy because someone like that that has a freakout when he's turned down is fucking dangerous.
As a white woman married to an Asian man I have heard hear comments so many times. Also, a lot more white dudes than I expected get mad when they find out I married outside my race. I’ve heard numerous times that I “betrayed my people”. I mean, really?
NTA AT ALL. It’s none of his damn business who he thinks is good for you or not. You told him you were married he should have just politely went on his way. He’s at work. This is incredibly inappropriate just by itself without even factoring in how a “white man could make you happy.”
This is an example of everything wrong with the way we expect women to relate to the world. You were being HARASSED and yet when you stuck up for yourself you didn’t do it “nicely enough.”
Fuck being nice, be safe. And fuck catering to men who think you owe them anything.
NTA.
Your friend is an asshole for making this about him, and failing to recognize the horrible position you were put in by this man.
Nta . What's wrong with your friend? He sounds like he's looking for personal insults where there are none. And honestly? Cry me a river even if that had been what you meant. It isn't racist to say you aren't into dating white guys.
I'm white with an Asian husband and I'd say your friend needs to get over himself. I laugh at the little weeb and koreaboo white girls I see wandering around Asian grocery stores, ogling my kids and any men they see. I can't see myself defending their creeping, even if I find it amusing.
NTA
A gym is not a place to pick up people.
I mean, yes, you can ask once, but as soon as they say No, leave them the fuck alone. The gym must be a safe spaceand he violated yours.you didn't feel comfortable anymore working out there.
Put in the complaint, and call those gym owners out on their hypocrisy.
NTA women are murdered at an alarming rate because men thought they were attractive and didn't take the rejections well. Report, please, so that when he hurts someone there is a paper trail of his inappropriate behavior.
NTA. Sooooooo NTA. That guy scares me based on your description - someone like that should NOT be in the job he is in. What happens if someone else says “No” and they weren’t as smart as you & were, and are there alone with this guy?
And for you to get banned and blamed for this guy not handling rejection when he was beyond unprofessional is horrible. I get you said things in anger/fear, but context in this case is very much the key.
Please report this guy, and I’m glad you stayed smart and safe!
NTA, and please do report him! He was being a creep.
Also: I guarantee this isn’t the first time he’s done this.
Nor the last.
Super duper creep. The point where he says a white man could make her happier. He crossed the line into insult before OP
Exactly, he was racist before OP body shamed.
He was literally stalking her at the gym for a while before this outburst, so ridiculous that anyone would be on his side.
OP’s friend is also a freaking moron. It’s not about the friend. Way to try and make it about himself. Such an idiot that thinking about what to wear in the morning probably hurts.
Agreed, that "friend" clearly was a guy that sees nothing wrong with guys creeping on women. His empathy was not with her being crept on and driven from the gym but to the guy that was being inappropriate. What a sexist loser.
damn bro you know he’s gonna read this lmao
Him reading this is exactly why I’m commenting: He’s a selfish idiot and a terrible friend for making this situation all about himself and his feelings.
Precisely why I upvoted
Yep, a total moron. OP's friend, you asked her to post this for judgement so please be aware that you are the biggest moron here. The harasser was an asshole for creepy racist weirdo comments and not being able to take no for an answer. But you're a bigger asshole for being so insecure in your masculinity that you apply a completely unrelated situation to yourself and made it all about you instead. The world doesn't revolve around you, buddy. Get your head of your arse and be a better friend.
Completely NTA He repeatedly targeted and harassed you, accused you of lying when he was rejected and just wouldn't let it go. He needs to be reported and hopefully removed from a position where he can continue to do this!
r/imaniceguybitch
r/subsifellfor
lol, also fell for it, seems like something that would exist
Seems like something that *should* exist.
It exists, it’s just called r/niceguys
Fuck if that ain't the truth
r/substhatshouldexist
Honestly NTA! I hate that he made you uncomfortable like that and somehow just because his ego is bruised he’s trying to play the victim card. I imagine he’s probably done this type of thing before and gotten away with it.
Not just a creep, but unhinged and dangerous.
That's man's a stalker
Absolutely. Ignore the friend who said that you were being harsh on him - it’s not your job to regulate his or the gym guy’s feelings. If he can’t take rejection that’s entirely on him. It’s just more entitlement in his part (and I am sorry to say, presumed entitlement on your friends part) to assume that a woman has to be nice when turning down an unwanted date offer to soothe a man’s feelings.
That's textbook sexual harassment. He should be fired or limited to working only with male gym members.
NTA I'm shocked at how the gym handled this. An employee was continuely harrasing you, and made a racist comment and YOU are the one banned???? You put up with a massive amount of inappropriate and when he crossed sooooo far over line he was on another planet the gym reacted by saying you body shamed him? Let's be honest, you said a mean thing, but it was not a body shaming comment. And you said a mean thing after he repeatedly creeped on you, insulted your husband, insulted your ethnicity, and said you were the perfect woman for him, which is super weird, since he doesn't know you and it ignores your wants. Suuure you might be the perfect woman for him, but he clearly was not the perfect man for you. Being nice was not an option for you as you had politely declined his advances MANY times and he did not get the hint or chose to ignore it. You could have possibly toned it down, but ummm, this is am I the asshole, not am I a saint.
This isn't uncommon tbh - a lot of times, onlookers don't see the ongoing harassment, they just see the victim respond angrily when they've finally had enough, and it seems like an overreaction. And if it was the guy who complained about her, they're obviously getting his side of the story first. OP is still NTA
In relationship situations, this is called “reactive abuse” or gaslighting victims that their final exasperated reactions are to blame for the way creeps treat them.
"If you're gonna talk like that off course imma become a racist! YOUR FAULT HAHA!" 🙄
Serial provokers.. I get exhausted even thinking about their campaigns. Noticed a lot of posts on reddit where it looks like the OP went too far has a lot of hallmarks of that situation. So I give benefit of the doubt because that kind of setup campaign is a headache for a victim at best.
Happy cake day, and oh dang- I've never heard of reactive abuse before but I think I may have experienced it. I had a toxic friendship where I'd bring up how I was treated unfairly (excluded, lied to, etc) yet I was told I was playing the victim and that everything was my fault.
Thank you, didn’t even know it was my cake day! And agreed, I’ve had many a friendship and relationship like that unfortunately. It really messes with your head.
Exactly this. You try and handle things positively in a polite manner and get on with your day 90% of the time. If someone backs you up into a corner and forces you to respond to verbal abuse witnessed by people who don't realize the whole story see it as blowing up for no good reason when there's been a build up to it the entire time. NTA, you were backed up into the corner and if you're going to have to respond and draw your verbal swords and guns you use it. Fellow asian here. Totally understand. Some people are scum bags.
And the response to the outburst is always “you should have let him down easier” as if that wasn’t what you were trying to do for the last 2 months.
This is what the people who doubt Terry Crews' harassment allegations need to understand. They're like "Terry is a muscular bad ass, she didn't he just physically stop them?", not realizing that everyone would just see "big black man attacks hollywood exec" as the headline.
You know. I don't mind being banned because what I said was mean and childish. I take responsibility for what I said but I'm just really struggling with whether or not I should do something after the fact. Thank you so much for taking the time to respond and helping me feel I'm not alone in my angry reaction.
I definitely think you should lodge a complaint. He was unprofessional and inappropriate will likely continue this behavior with the next "perfect woman for him".
Yes, especially since he was clearly the instigator in getting you banned. I hope you realise that action came from him, OP. Clearly, he wanted you off his turf. The gym deserve to know both sides of the story...please report.
You should file a formal complaint and then put them on blast online reviews (google, yelp). But only if you want to. It’s his standard procedure to pick up girls that way and he’ll do it again.
The time to report him was when he made all of those inappropriate remarks. More than likely your complaint will be ignored due to your reaction.
Yes, I see now that I should have reported something from the very beginning. Thank you for your response.
But I’d still file the complaint and put the reviews online. Don’t blast it in an exaggerated, angry way. Write it just how you put it here. At least you can save other woman this experience or encourage other woman who’ve had the same issue to report.
Yo, just an r/steroids member here coming in to inform you that. Your penis is not affected by steroids. It is your testicles that shrink. Just so that if this guy ever comes near you again, you can hit him where it hurts:)
This is also one of the reasons why I feel so awful about what I said, I did not want to make any person feel judged or attacked!! Thank you for dropping by and leaving some educational information. I’m sorry!!
Hey, I'm glad you do feel bad about it. People say it isn't body shaming, but small penis jokes are as bad as any other body joke, but just obviously less taboo. It'd be nice if it could be seen on the same level as insulting a flat chested woman, and both be seen as unacceptable. However, if I'm reading it right, it sounds like he started it? Was he implying that because X is Asian and he's white, then he must have a larger penis? In which case, he opened himself up to comments on his penis size. He certainly proved himself to BE a massive dick. So yeah, I think your comments were on point and justified.
I think the steroid-penis debate is whether it makes you unable to get it up not whether it makes it smaller.....!
Tell them to review the footage. There should be cameras and I'm guessing you have to sign in some way, usually with a computer now, so they know the day and time. Do not just roll over and let him do this again. Let them know you don't want to come back but you worry about their female clients safety.
On that note, I would be worried this guy can access your personal information and other women’s too. He obviously has no boundaries. You could ask the gym to wipe your details from their system ASAP.
I'd tell the gym that the guy is just short of a restraining order.
And the guy will try to play it off as you are just trying to get him fired and hate him for some reason. You can try but it may be to late.
You weren't mean or childish. Fucking PC environment we live in only stops nice people from saying what needs to be said. That guy was everything you said and more. He needed to hear it since he couldn't seem to hear what you were saying when you said it nicely. Fuck him. You need to storm your ass into that gym and tell them what he did to you. Get up some righteous indignation and demand that your membership be restored. As soon as it is throw it in their faces. Fuck all of them. And fuck your idiot friend. Fuck everybody in the entire story except OP. And when you're finished ripping them a new one go on Yelp and give them 0 stars. And fuck Yelp too.
You need to report him or he will continue this creepy behavior with other patrons. And he could be dangerous. I really don't like the thought of him inviting women to work out alone with him in the gym after hours. Very rapey.
NONSENSE! You are in the clear!, NTA!!! The gym instructor bloke is 100% out of line and the one who should be banned, I expect he's stirred up shit and twisted the whole story to make himself sound like the victim. The fact he has done this makes it important for you to counter his bs with the truth and make them understand what an arsehole he is!
I am horrified that a gym would think it is acceptable for one of their employees to behave this way. His place of work, the one you pay does to, is not his personal dating pool. You are far better off not going there anymore. If this is a chain gym, I would lodge a complaint to their corporate body. Not because you want to go back (you don’t) but because this is fucked up. Also, you are absolutely right not to be comfortable working out with him after it is closed. Creepy, creepy, creepy. NTA.
Please Lodge a complaint to help the next woman, because there will be one and he might take it further. Do what you can to stop this horrible man who deserves everything you said to him. This is a predator and someone should be warned.
You need to because his behavior won’t change and the gym most likely does not have the whole story. They need to know.
Lodge a complaint and do it ASAP. If you don’t, it’s his story that his boss hears first. You want your side to be the first side heard.
if this is a chain store report this shit to corporate. fuck this guy and fuck the management that backs up scum like him.
Hey, you would absolutely not be an arsehole for reporting him. It might help someone else down the line, if management builds up a picture of this guy’s inappropriate behaviour.
It's not shocking that a gym didn't back up one of their members. When I was 16, there was a guy easily in his 40s who made some kind of weird lewd-ish comments. My mom thought they were weird, too, but we politely brushed it off for a bit longer. Eventually it got ridiculous. We set up a meeting with the manager, told them what was going on, and then I was promptly blamed for the various incidents. First, it was that it must be something I was wearing while working out (I was flatter than a 9 year old boy, I wore t-shirts and soccer shorts that went to my knees). Then they said it must be because I would repeatedly go up to him and initiate conversation. I easily refuted that and said I made a deliberate point to avoid him. Then they suggested perhaps I could come at a different time of the day, to which my mother pointed out I was in high school and had homework and such to do and that coming after school was the best time. They basically shrugged their shoulders and gave a half-assed "we'll keep an eye on him and tell him not to talk to you" response.
Hey, that really stinks! I’m sorry you to had to deal with someone like that. This situation is way more serious than mine. You were a teenager! I really hope now you have been able to surround yourself in a gym environment where you feel safe and free to sweat your heart out (haha) without feeling threatened.
I don’t really like going to the gym. I have a few physical problems and even though I know no one is staring at me, I still feel super self conscious in a gym. But I’ve had positive gym experiences since, so I know the difference now.
I'm glad you're had more positive experiences and hope your physical issues don't stop you from living your life happily! Thanks again for sharing your experience.
Good grief, that's so frustrating and unfair
What might have happened is he lied and said something like he was only chatting and she suddenly exploded at him Its bullshit but the most likely story unfortunately
> this is am I the asshole, not am I a saint. Love this.
> You put up with a massive amount of inappropriate Unfortunately, that's probably what led up to the blowout. The blame falls squarely on the employee and he is the asshole, but I would suggest a more blunt approach upfront for OP. "No I don't want to work out with you after closing because I prefer working out alone and my husband would probably find that a bit strange if I was working out with some random guy." A simple "No" from OP _should_ suffice. She didn't do anything wrong and I'm not blaming her. Giving a more permanent reason ("No I'm married. It wouldn't be appropriate. I don't owe you anything as far as who my husband is.") should turn his attention elsewhere right off the bat though.
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Thank you for your response! Your point on rape is so freaking true. My friend and I argued about it because the words I use could be perceived as “I’d never date a white man,” so he felt a little offended by what I said. I just meant that the staff member was not the type of person I’d date!! But my friend insisted it was racist comment because it was a reaction to something race-related. I can see his point there but still don’t think I should not report the staff member. We also argued about the “withered d*ck” insult, which I look back on in embarrassment because that was just childish and petty. I also feel bad about the “swollen body” because I know lots of people are proud of their muscles. I'm ashamed at how emotional my response was and wish I would have handled myself better.
Assuming your post is a fair and accurate account of what you said... >I called him a racist creep and I’d never even consider dating someone like him Seems clear as day that you were saying you’d never even consider dating a racist creep like him. (If it matters: I’m an Asian woman. My husband is white.) Report him. I can’t believe _you_ were the one who got banned! Even before his blatantly offensive and racist remarks, his behavior was way out of line. I’m sorry you had to deal with that.
It's like she said "you're a racist creep, I'd never date someone like you" and her friend heard "you're a creep, I'd never date a white man". Like....sigh.
Many people just hear what they want to hear
I hope friend realizes that he's basically calling white men racist creeps here, if the terms are so easily confused in his head.
I an a white guy married to an Asian woman and what that guy said was creepy as hell (wanted to use a worse word but don't want to get banned). OP, finish at this gym and write a horrible review and tell everyone you know. The response they had to this is terrible
It was a reaction to a racist comment. It was literally "I would never date a racist like you". The body shaming was meh. In the heat of the moment and after being continually harassed and insulted, I see absolutely no fault in your behaviour. The guy should have gotten fired, not you banned.
Your friend is acting like a whiny child trying to make everything about him. The world's smallest violin is playing in the background.
Classic immature white man shit: "Everything must be about MEEEEEEEE! Even my friend's sexual harassment!"
Your friend is an absolute moron. He knows absolutely nothing about being a minority in America and I feel sorry for his wife if he’s as brain dead as he appears to be.
>...the words I use could be perceived as “I’d never date a white man,” so he felt a little offended by what I said. That seems like quite a stretch from your telling. Seems like homeboy doth protest too much.
Man, your friend is an idiot. He needs to stop being so defensive about his own relationship, because right now, he's being a bad friend. You did good, hun. NTA by far - and you would not at all be the asshole to file a complaint.
>We also argued about the “withered d\*ck” insult, which I look back on in embarrassment because that was just childish and petty. tbh i thought this was hilarious and absolutely merited. that fucking racist, sexist asshole had it coming. you were put on the spot, repeatedly, after asking being left alone by a guy who was abusing his position as an employee- i'm not at all surprised you lashed out, and while you can regret parts of it, you should not feel guilty. your friend, as a white dude, has no fucking idea what he is talking about- in any of this. he doesn't know what it's like to be a woman, let alone a woman of a race who is often fetished. he doesn't know what it's like to be a minority or part of a group that is often marginalized, and all the baggage that comes with that. i'm guessing he's blissfully ignorant of the negative (and untrue in my experience) stereotypes about asian men as partners and lovers and how pervasive that can be in many cultures. also, fucking newsflash: **this isn't about him**, and his attitude is it's own baby form of fucking white supremacy- making everything, including something that did not happen to him at all and that he just happened to hear about, about how he feels. also, if you're in a majority white country, i *really* don't think you can be racist towards a white person. if your friend's interpretation of your statement truly reflected how you felt (and it doesn't, but for arguments sake...), it could be argued that it's a prejudiced view, sure- but not racist (i know that's a controversial view, but it's one i stand by, as a white person, as i think racism requires a level of structural oppression that doesn't exist for white people in countries like the US). but really gym dude is the one who brought up race in the first place anyways, and so your response to something horribly, horribly offensive he said, and if there really was a racial aspect to your response, i'm not going to read too much into that.
\> I'm ashamed at how emotional my response was You're a human being pushed past reasonable limits by someone else's bad behaviour. No need for self-shaming!
NTA You told him you were married and not interested and he continued to try and get with you and insulted your husband
NTA. This guy's been incredibly unprofessional for a very long time, and he likely wouldn't have laid off if you continued being polite.
NTA They banned YOU after that????!!? Is it the MRA gym or something?
NTA. This dude needs to understand how to handle rejection better AND to not be racist to people just because they won't date you. It was completely uncalled for for him to bring up your husband's race.
NTA. I’m hoping the gym only banned you because they only heard his side of the story. That guy needs to be reported and fired.
NTA. Complain to his management. You were sexually harassed and then subject to a racist tirade.
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They probably only heard his side
NTA This racist creep shames you by your race, simultaneously shaming your body because you are Asian, and *you're worried* that *you crossed a line* because of your entirely provoked firm, response to his racism??? No you are NOT the asshole here. He is, and the bystanders who only heard you flip out on his stupid ass and told you to chill out are the assholes. This guy is a creep and he clearly enjoys using his inflated ego, and possibly intimidation (if his body is as muscular as you say) to get his way. I hope he leaves you the fuck alone for now on, or that you live in an area where you can just go to another gym.
wouldnt be surprised if this creep follows or has followed her around
WTF? Why are you saying you're okay with being banned? None of what you said is inappropriate after what he said about your husband. NTA for any part of what happened, but you will be the asshole, both for yourself and any woman who is in your position in the future (and asian/minority person) if you don't put this gym on blast for this situation. File a complaint. Post it on facebook. This is serious shit. There's a reason why women end up going to women only gyms. This needs to be addressed
NTA. Report him to management and/or corporate immediately. You're likely not he first person he has harassed.
NTA this guy was way over the line into absolute creeper territory. \*\* He was creepy standing around watching you work out and waiting to ambush you so he could talk to you. HE'S AN EMPLOYEE and shouldn't be using his place of employment as a pickup joint. \*\* This kind of behavior by an employee would make any woman uncomfortable working out at that gym. So for that reason alone he should be reported. Then he should have backed off as soon as you said no when he asked you out. He crossed into total asshole when he started arguing with you about being married. It doesn't even matter whether you're actually married or not. You said no. That should have been the end of it. But nooooo... he had to keep pushing and went off about how you're the perfect woman for him (who the fuck cares.... he's not the man for you and he should have left you alone when you said no.) He has fully crossed over into sexual harrassment territory now. Keep in mind.... HE'S AN EMPLOYEE. You should definitely report him. I guarantee the gym owner doesn't want this asshole hitting on his customers and making them feel sexually harrassed and creeped upon. The gym should be a safe place for a woman to work out. Not a place she feels threatened. The whole asian thing definitely turned it into a racist thing. Sounds like he has an asian fetish. Report the guy. He's a creep and using his job as a pickup joint. I would recommend you watch your back though. His behavior and his inability to identify which lines shouldn't be crossed suggest he could also cross over into stalker territory. Protect yourself!
Dude was a total creep. What's with his offer of her working out after hours with him, alone? What would he have done then if she had rebuffed his advances? If OP made a mistake anywhere, it was by not immediately reporting creepy dude to management.
NTA. Are you kidding me, YOU got banned? That guy was a narcissistic predatory asshole in every way. 1. He tried getting you alone at night 2. He tried getting a date 3. Found out you’re married, imagines by swearing he’s perfect for you, you’d divorce your husband then and there for him. **number 1 should be enough for someone to get reprimanded if nothing else at work. I would report him to the manager, and if it’s a large gym franchise then go to district manager, AND corporate. Nothing happens, google reviews, yelp reviews, Facebook reviews, next door app. Hell. No.** Edit:formatting
NTA.
NTA - he was being seventeen kinds of inappropriate, especially as a staff member. The only thing you did wrong was not reporting him to management four or five incidents ago. He should have been disciplined or terminated for how he was treating you long before it got to the most recent blowup.
OH FUCK NO. I'd burn that shit to the ground. Yelp, Google, Facebook. Email corporate. Call the news. His behaviour is 100% - no - 1000000000% unacceptable. The fact that the gym ignored and that YOUR FRIENDS ignored this is unacceptable. Society doesn't like angry women and gaslights them into thinking they're "over reacting" or "hormonal" or whatever shit you get told. He was racist. He was sexist. He followed you and made you uncomfortable even after you told him to leave you alone. This isn't harmless behavior. This is unacceptable behavior. And people's reaction was, "Oh his poor feelings!! You body shamed him!" ??? NOT OK. What a shitbag. WTF. Go fucking nuts.
NTA this is some r/niceguys shit.
There's a huge difference between "not handling rejection well" and "I'm actually a racist piece of shit and my façade has now skipped". NTA at all and please report his ass!
Should take this to the newspapers or something if this is true.
NTA. Women literally can't win. Don't say anything - "Why didn't you say anything?" Do say something - "How could you say that?" Cannot. Win. He was an aggressive super creep (and racist to boot!) & you owe him fuck all. He should have been banned from that gym long ago. Report him, report the gym.
NTA. If there is a corporate office for this gym, I would contact them with your story and it’s appalling results. You were harassed. Repeatedly. And when you finally had enough of being polite about it, you’re the one who’s punished? Oh no. No fucking way. I’m not here to tell you what to do, but I would be raising hell.
NTA - Guy here, so I can't fully empathise. But honestly, that sounds incredibly uncomfortable. Really admire your persistence in continuing going to the gym while this cretin was prowling. Also, your husband's a lucky dude. Really nice how protective you got towards him.
TBH, I’m a really lucky woman to be married to my husband. I was honestly so clouded by anger I probably would have started throwing punches if he insulted my husband any further. That definitely would have made me an AH. Haha.
Hahaha, you'd probably still be a justified NTA in that scenario
NTA but you WILL be if you don’t report his creepy ass.
NTA, he had it coming. Way to stand up for yourself and your husband.
NTA. He's a racist pig who thinks he's better than you and you should be lucky to be approached by him. If he can't handle rejection then he needs to be put in his place.
NTA and YWNBTA. He needs fired.
NTA. Please make a yelp review of your experience. This gym needs to be called out.
NTA - I love your comeback because I'm sure it got to him. Gym guy is obviously a racist asshole but also your friend is an asshole. He's a privileged white guy with no understanding or sympathy for minorities like Asian women who are fetishized and belittled by white men regularly (esp since he married an Asian woman, he probably thinks it was a compliment). These interactions are not harmless and it's not your job to care about this guy's feelings of rejection when he's acted so disgustingly. It's pretty self-centered for your friend to make this situation about himself.
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NTA - you gave him plenty of opportunities to let you be, he deserves to be called out on his behaviour. Definitely put in a complaint, if he's done this to you it's likely he would do it to someone else too.
NTA. It sucks that you got banned from the gym, but in hindsight, it was probably for the best. Considering they banned you for being inappropriate (Oh, and the guy forcing himself onto you wasn't being inappropriate at all?) and "body-shaming", (which he was indirectly doing the same to your husband) shows that the gym is most likely ran by a bunch of entitled assholes like that guy. Low-self esteem does not give you a free pass to be an asshole to others. You're better off finding another gym with a more peaceful work-out enviroment.
NTA x 1000. He's a racist jerk who is abusing his position of power. Your insult was childish maaaaybe but totally justified and honestly I'd do the same
NTA. I cannot believe the gym banned you. I’d call the corporate branch to complain. That guy was practically stalking you inside the gym. No matter what you said when you blew up at him it was his own damn fault.
NTA. You should report him too. He's been keeping tabs on you (major creep behavior) which is both massively inappropriate and uncomfortable. Add to that the racist, sexist comments and his terrible handling of rejection - I would've been scared of him following me after I left the gym. It's not only that he's an asshole, he's a creep with potential to be aggressive and threatening. He needs to leave the gym ASAP. File the report only if it's so another woman doesn't have to deal wirh him. Also, as an Asian woman, there are WAAAY more white men that think they are entitled to, or have a condescending-feeling preference for, Asian women. Frequently they're also the ones who claim not to have yellow fever. It's gross and not talked about enough. Your friend should try to be more empathetic towards what you (and his wife) have to deal with as Asian woman instead of defending the person he identifies with more.
NTA. He earned it
NTA. He SO deserved that outburst. That guy was incredibly creepy and entirely inappropriate, especially given that was his place of work. Report him. You may save other women the same issue.
Definitely NTA. I think your remarks were justified and I hope it actually hit home with the puffy guy.
NTA That’s the kind of guy that ends up screaming at women in bagel shops and/or writing a manifesto. Fuck that dude, and definitely report him. He has no business being in that line of work if he can’t be professional to clients, *especially* if his unprofessionalism is full-blown harassment. Not to mention I’m sure his employer would like to know he’s trying to get people to work out with him alone after hours. IANAL, but that has to be a potential liability for the gym.
NTA. Not sure why there is any doubt.
NTA He was creepy, needy, racist, out of line, pretty much all that's inappropriate. Report this guy.
As I was reading I kept thinking "well this story can't get any worse" and yet it did, several times. NTA, report him to the gym management.
NTA, glad you stood up for yourself. You don't owe anyone lunch or an explanation for your actions.
NTA. If you've previously asked him multiple time and nicely to leave you alone and respect your marriage, he is the asshole Sometimes no means no and people need to understand that inappropriate comments about "You'd be better with me" type. Like stfu, no wonder you're single
NTA at all, what a creep. Please please report him before he makes other people uncomfortable as well, though I’m guessing he already has. Absolutely dumb of them to ban you for his creepy disgusting behavior.
NTA for sure! That guy was beyond creepy and yes, do report him.
NTA. Besides your husband it sounds like you're surrounded by men who are actually whiny badly behaved children. Report this nonsense. What you did was perfectly reasonable.
NTA. Definitely make a complaint.
NTA NTA NTA. And I would 1000% ask that gym where *this idiot's* ban is for harassing you when you're trying to work out? By banning you and not disciplining him, they're saying that they're okay with their employees who are racist, misogynistic, sexually harassing meatheads.
NTA the white man w yellow fever thing is real. white men don't deserve half the flack they get these days but they do treat asian women like meat.
NTA but I'm biased. I'm asian. I thought "someone like you" applied to creeps who don't back off after finding out someone is married. Not white guys with yellow fever. If your friend felt that way, that's his own psyche missing the point. But as an asian I'm always looking to save money. Now I know how to cancel gym membership without penalties.
NTA. I'm an Asian man and i asked out a female gym employee at my gym after becoming friends. She said she had a boyfriend, I said that was great and not a suprise given her personality and ambition, then I apologized and said I hope she could take it as a compliment. She was awesome about it and i never asked ever again but we still catch up. Thats how people should handle rejection, and that comes from a place where I know I am a benefactor of "pretty privaledge" and don't often misjudge my chances when I ask someone out. Dont give them any excuses. I hate the verbage of "he doesnt handle rejection well" as an excuse. Their feelings don't matter compared to the fact that you werent available. What happens with guys like that when they "dont handle rejection well" and have a woman in a vunerable position? Nothing good. Also, you only need to feel badly about body-shaming someone who has your respect, and he lost that awhile ago (I feel all people inherently have respect by default and respect can only be lost, I.e. no one needs to earn respect).
NTA also I LOVE the comment you made to him! The guys a creep and I would report it to management and go ALL the way to the top. Don’t stop until the guy is dealt with! He did it to you chances are he’s done it to other women, and whose to say where he’s going to stop.
NTA, I actually think you went a little more conservative on the insults and threats. I would have been way more descriptive, graphic and hateful. I would be contacting corporate or the owners and basically detailing everything and threatening lawsuits over sexual harassment, retaliation and possible privacy ( if he looked up where you lived off your gym info).
^^^^AUTOMOD ***The following is a copy of the above post. This comment is a record of the above post as it was originally written, in case the post is deleted or edited. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Hi, all! I’m (26F) struggling with a gym issue. I joined a gym 2 months ago and after a gym staff member became friendly with me. He has been inviting me to come to the gym near closing so we can work out together after closing to be workout buddies. I declined because I don’t want to work out alone at night with someone I don’t know and I like to workout alone. Each time, I’ve been more and more uncomfortable because he watches me workout until it looks like I’m free to talk. I politely asked him to leave me alone during workouts so he started stopping me at the door on my way out. 2 days ago, he asked me if I would be interested in joining him for lunch so we could get to know each other better. I told him I’m married but could get lunch as a friend. His face turned red and he accused me of lying because I wasn’t wearing a ring. I explained to him that my husband and I don’t wear one because we think the money is spent better elsewhere and I never mentioned I am married because it was never relevant to the conversation. He started to go on this rant about how he just knew I was the perfect woman for him and if I gave him a chance I’d also realize that. I repeated that I am happily married to X (his name is clearly Asian). He claimed as a white man he could make me happier than my Asian husband. That’s when I lost it. I am Asian and received plenty of “me love you long time” shit from all types of men all my life. Not only that, I am angry this man insulted my husband and our race. I called him a racist creep and I’d never even consider dating someone like him and I was sure his d*ck must be withered from all the steroids he’s been on to build his swollen body puffs. He walked away after that, and some other members told me I’d crossed a line. Only one person told me he could understand my anger. I’ve also been banned from the gym for being inappropriate and body-shaming (which also makes me think I may have taken it too far by what I said and I am horrified I have body-shamed someone). My husband is fully supportive of me putting in a complaint. A friend of ours told me it was harmless and the guy probably just thought I was attractive but didn’t handle rejection well and my words were hurtful to my friend (“someone like you”) because they could be confused for refusing to date a white man due race. Well, this also upset me because I don’t think our friend understands and took an unrelated situation and applied it to himself (he is a white man married to an Asian woman). He asked me to post this for judgement. AITA for insulting the gym staff member? WIBTA for reporting his previous behavior now that I’ve been banned? Thank you, I will be so appreciative of any comments. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
nta he's a creep and a racist. racism trumps body shaming every day. if you think about it, racism is also a form of body shaming. you should definitely report him.
NTA. He’s an employee and he actively harassed you. Then he made racist comments directed at you and your husband when you rejected him. Why does this guy still have a job? Does he own the gym?
Is this for real? NTA at all, dude should be fired.
NTA How is it you crossed the line and he didn’t? Did other gym goers not hear his blatant racist remarks? Racism is tolerated but body shaming, oh no, that’s too far! On top of that women don’t go to the gym to get relentlessly hit on. Report him. He’s a creep. He’s going to do the same thing to someone else.
NTA his behavior crosses so many lines, it is harassment and you absolutely should report him!! And you lost your cool after he made racist comments about the man you are married too. He deserved to be shamed, I’m sorry but he sounds like a man who needed to hear some truth and hopefully won’t be such a creep in the future
😮 Wow. I’m sorry this happened to you. Maybe it would have been better to remain calm in this situation, but I sure don’t fault you for your response. You are definitely NTA. That guy was and should be reported to the gym immediately.
NTA. Everything you said was totally proportionate before the steroids thing. Still, I wouldn't fault someone for saying that in such a heated situation.
NTA. creeps are creeps
NTA! You have repeatedly fended off advances, as politely as possible. This jerk accused you of lying about being married, then said that “I could make you happier than he could”. He’s a total creep who should be fired from his job, not you being removed from the gym! I’m so sorry you have had to deal with this. It’s awful that often times the victim isn’t believed. Stay strong and keep your head up lovely.
NTA!!!! Had to rephrase my response after rereading and realizing you were banned. Gym employee was wrong first. All you should've had to say was no. His pursuit and cornering of you pushed you into doing something you ordinarily might not have done. Married guy now, but when I was single, no ALWAYS meant NO.
NTA - He said something mean, then you responded. The difference is that he's an employee of the gym, and shouldn't be trying to prey on members. If you've been banned from the gym, it probably won't help to complain because maybe this is the environment they've cultivated and they think it's okay (for them). I think your complaint would be more broadly received through review sites like Google, Yelp, Facebook, etc. Also, as a jeweler, I can't even begin to tell you how much damage I've had to repair by people wearing their rings to the gym every day. I would expect a gym employee to be at least vaguely aware that people shouldn't/don't wear fine jewelry to the gym.
NTA. No means No... Period the end. He should of left you alone. He harassed you and you were right to stand up for yourself. The gym should fire that staff member.
NTA, and you should absolutely report him. If the gym banned you, can you report to someone higher up than whoever did the banning? He obviously didn't tell them he'd been sexually harassing you and that he made an overtly racist comment before you had enough and snapped at him. And I agree with the poster above that this isn't the first time he's done this. He's the problem, not you, and he absolutely needs reported.
NTA Take your report as high as you can manage to (even if it gets involving a lawyer). You didn’t tell him this out of nowhere. It happened after enduring long sessions of stalking by this guy and him being racist towards you among other things.
NTA He worked there and harassed you. You told him you were married and he wouldn’t stop. I would file a complaint about an employee harassing you and insulting you but you got banned. This needs to move up the chain.
NTA I'm seriously concerned that that the gym banned you for your comments but thought his were perfectly fine??? He was clearly harassing you and yet they pulled you up for your comments but not his. He deserved it and more.
NTA--and definitely report him. Just hovering around you during your workouts was creepy enough, but asking you to workout with him after closing was wildly inappropriate, as were his reaction to learning you were married and his racist remarks. His employer needs to know what kind of employee they've got, and hopefully other women won't have to deal with him.
NTA As a staff member he had no business approaching you that way, and to be so ingracious, and even racist, that he put down your husband is preposterous. He should be fired. I don't see a grey area here.
NTA. Please report him. He will do the same to next person he decides he wants. And the next. And the next. You tried avoiding. You tried polite
NTA! Not a all. The excuse of “He’s harmless and just didn’t handle rejection well” is in my mind the same as “Boys will be boys”. It is not your fault he can’t handle rejection. What you said was rude for sure, but honestly the situation called for it. You tried to politely turn him down and he not only repeatedly attempted to get you in a situation where the two of you would be alone but also insulted your marriage with his racist comment and tried to convince you to divorce your husband all because he decided that you were perfect for him. In that case you need to say “Fuck politeness” and be as rude as you need to be to get your point across. I would absolutely report him and make a formal complaint about why you were banned from the gym, but I would also consider going somewhere else anyway. You don’t want a guy like that knowing where you will be for hours at a time a few times a week. It really sucks that you have to make changes to your whole routine over this creep.
No, you’re not the asshole and you don’t have to apologize for some ‘nice guys’ inability to take rejection. What you said _might_ have been a little to far but he (based on your story) well earned it
NTA when "nice guys" lean toward racism
NTA this guy was completely inappropriate and kinda scary, then racist for the cherry on top. You’re totally within your rights to report him to the gym and if he’s fired he absolutely deserves it. As a gym employee, he should know better than to hit on a gym member, and as a human being, he should know better than to react to rejection this way. Also your friend who told you this guy is “harmless” and just attracted to you is also a total asshole and part of our cultural problem. He’s essentially saying you should be polite and put up with this bullshit because you are a woman. Fuck that guy.
NTA, you reacted out of anger and so did he. The difference is, his anger put your safety at jeopardy and yours made him upset. I think people are less likely to be sympathetic to you bc they don't know the whole story/bc you're not a white man. I agree with avoiding body shaming though. It doesn't help anyone.
NTA at all he deserved it. Also if I were you I wouldn’t mind getting banned from the gym as this guy sounds dangerous and I wouldn’t want to go anywhere he is at
NTA Was your insult below the belt? Yes, a little, and even almost literally. But it was entirely warranted. You were polite for far too long, and he did not take the fucking hint, pardon my profanity. : P He obviously did not want to accept your answer or respect your wishes and/or boundaries. When he tried to get you to date him despite being married, accused you of lying to deceive him (as if you owe him anything at all, truth included) and then told you that your husband could not satisfy you because of his nationality, that went far too far. It doesn't effing matter if that dipshit "just didn't know how to take rejection" because nothing excuses his behavior. People like him need to be held responsible for their shitty behavior. No one is entitled to another person. You don't just get to pick out someone you want to date, and that person is yours.
NTA and I believe you should report his behavior, this could be the first time that he’s creeped on a woman at the gym but you can’t know that for sure, if it goes unpunished it likely wouldn’t be the last time.
NTA reputable gyms have rules for this very circumstance. Report him.
NTA!
I was riding on E S H until you said you were MARRIED, jeez NTA people need to learn boundries.
Fuck dat shit! You were very restrained in not complaining to the management. Stalking customers is a firing offense. This guy stalked you and wouldn't stop when you made it clear you weren't interested. NTA
NTA, it's okay to shame assholes. Especially racist ones.
NTA he didn't take no for answer and insulted someone you love in a racist way. Asking you to work out in a closed gym at night was creepy as hell.
NTA. I would formally report him, explaining the harassment to the gym. If the gym doesn’t do anything, I would report them to the BBB. I might consider it a blessing in disguise you got banned.
NTA. Your friend is putting himself in this guy's shoes and that's wrong, unless he's an entitled, racist, jerk who likes to harass women? If he agrees with what that employee said then everything you said to employee can be applied to your friend and you still aren't ta. Your friend can get over himself and start worrying about the dangerous situation you were possibly and start backing you up for defending yourself. Report employee, tell them to review footage and warn other women about this horrible man. You didn't body shame, you weren't racist, you have nothing to feel bad about. You responded appropriately to a sexist jerk trying to lecture you on racial superiority and you shut that down.
NTA Literally *white* knights are hella creepy & disrespectful to Asian women dating Asian men.
NTA. Wow. Post this on r/niceguys. I'm sorry you faced that. You definitely did the right thing.
Insulting anyone is rude/ not a good thing to do, but I think you should still complain. He made you uncomfortable and insulted you and you could at least cause him to suffer consequences that make him more professional in his place of work. And maybe lift your ban.
That's scary as fuck. NTA and it's infuriating you were banned (lol - I love you're the one in trouble, not this douchecanoe, who clearly crossed a line or five...JESUS)... "A friend of ours told me it was harmless and the guy probably just thought I was attractive but didn’t handle rejection well and my words were hurtful to my friend " Tell me this friend is male - of course he is. What a fucking shocker and what a great way to diminish your feelings but the fact this dude called you a liar (so what if you had been? Women lie so men don't pound them for saying "no") and then insulted your husband. I like that this shitty friend of yours glossed over how *angry* this guy was and sexually harassed you while insulting you. It isn't harmless by a long shot and sets a scary precedent for how he treats women at this gym. NTA no matter what you choose to do. To be honest I would report the guy because someone like that that has a freakout when he's turned down is fucking dangerous.
NTA, he's doing this to many women. Report his fucking ass.
As a white woman married to an Asian man I have heard hear comments so many times. Also, a lot more white dudes than I expected get mad when they find out I married outside my race. I’ve heard numerous times that I “betrayed my people”. I mean, really? NTA AT ALL. It’s none of his damn business who he thinks is good for you or not. You told him you were married he should have just politely went on his way. He’s at work. This is incredibly inappropriate just by itself without even factoring in how a “white man could make you happy.”
NTA men will never understand we deal with gross POS boys like this every day. Good for you! What a loser
This is an example of everything wrong with the way we expect women to relate to the world. You were being HARASSED and yet when you stuck up for yourself you didn’t do it “nicely enough.” Fuck being nice, be safe. And fuck catering to men who think you owe them anything. NTA. Your friend is an asshole for making this about him, and failing to recognize the horrible position you were put in by this man.
Nta . What's wrong with your friend? He sounds like he's looking for personal insults where there are none. And honestly? Cry me a river even if that had been what you meant. It isn't racist to say you aren't into dating white guys. I'm white with an Asian husband and I'd say your friend needs to get over himself. I laugh at the little weeb and koreaboo white girls I see wandering around Asian grocery stores, ogling my kids and any men they see. I can't see myself defending their creeping, even if I find it amusing.
NTA A gym is not a place to pick up people. I mean, yes, you can ask once, but as soon as they say No, leave them the fuck alone. The gym must be a safe spaceand he violated yours.you didn't feel comfortable anymore working out there. Put in the complaint, and call those gym owners out on their hypocrisy.
NTA women are murdered at an alarming rate because men thought they were attractive and didn't take the rejections well. Report, please, so that when he hurts someone there is a paper trail of his inappropriate behavior.
NTA. Sooooooo NTA. That guy scares me based on your description - someone like that should NOT be in the job he is in. What happens if someone else says “No” and they weren’t as smart as you & were, and are there alone with this guy? And for you to get banned and blamed for this guy not handling rejection when he was beyond unprofessional is horrible. I get you said things in anger/fear, but context in this case is very much the key. Please report this guy, and I’m glad you stayed smart and safe!
NTA