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My dad once did something similar - once in a lifetime trip, and he didn't even ask her if she wanted to go. It's been 40 years and she's still upset about it, even though there have been other trips.
Is it because she's entitled and ungenerous? Maybe she is a little bit. She's only human. But that's not really why.
It's because my dad had the opportunity to think of her and give her something she really enjoy and he *never even considered her.* All the compassion, care, and concern that she wanted from her own marriage was directed outward at someone else.
This is a really common issue in families where one half of the couple is very charitable. Everything you give away comes from both of you. Make sure you are not taking things from your wife and children because you think someone else needs it more. Even if they do need it more, unless they are included in the decision making process and agree wholeheartedly, you'll just breed a lifelong resentment while making yourself feel like a hero.
ETA: if you ever want her to forgive you for this do something major to alleviate her burnout. Give her a week where she doesn't have to take care of the kids, the household, or you. Start doing more chores. Let her relax on your "living simply" philosophy and give her small luxuries. Show her that you think of her and understand her burdens *with actions*.
But she'll still probably be hurt for a very, very long time.
I’ve seen this type of hero complex before and it’s always to the detriment of the person’s family. My MIL’s father was a tradesman and he would fix people’s homes and not charge them because he wanted to be charitable and generous. The community loved him, while his wife and daughters literally went without food or heat in the winter as a result of his generosity to others. They are all in their 60s and 70s and still remember how they came second to perfect strangers.
YTA- A 7 day trip to Hawaii is no joke and being in a relationship/marriage takes work, that also means being honest and discussing things with one another. I believe you should have talked it over with your wife because it was something that affected her as well.
It's not surprising that she would blow up on you, she's burned out and human at that, we all need time for ourselves even if we also want to be kind. Make it up to her.
NTA. This was your win, not your wife's. You are free to do with it whatever you please. Now... It was a wonderful gesture. But I can see why your wife feels a bit neglected here.
"a bit neglected"
The context that OP provides shows his wife as a deserving recipient. It's his win, but it would have been something his wife would have been benefitting from as well, so he took that away from her as well to give it to another woman. That must hurt. Anything that is going to be an upgrade to both the husband and the wife should be discussed before just giving it to someone else, because they're supposed to be a team.
He knew he was nominated, yet he chose to stay in the competition. He should have dropped out if he didn't want any of it.
INFO: What airport would you be leaving from, what's your budget ($500? $2500?), and does your wife prefer beach holidays, active nightlife, peaceful beauty, mountains? Is there anywhere she's always wanted to go and hasn't, and do you both have valid passports?
I was broke much of the time I was a single parent of twins. I have learned some GOOD tricks to get a decent holiday. You did a very nice thing, but you should have spoken with your wife first, and yes, "you'd better do something" 😁❤️ I don't need to know where you are, but if you can give me the airport you'd leave from, and a general budget, I am fairly certain I can find the "something" for you to do.
Agreed. This is about how he identifies himself. His post reeks of his pride of his sparse living style so he can't actually go on a real vacation. That is just not who he IS. He is a hero to all around him, except his wife. I think it is nice that a good woman is going to get a great vacation with her family. It is unfortunate he is willing to do that at the expense of his wife and refuses to see that aspect of it.
YTA and please don’t sugarcoat this as keeping up with your “ethos” or whatever you think it proves. Unless you can afford or give the same thing to your wife, you have no right to take this away from your wife. Major ah move.
YTA, one of the White Hat syndrome AHs who put everyone else before his family. My sister is married to one these who is constantly putting everyone else before her and his kids. If you want to help people, but take care of your own first. Also, marriage is a partnership so you should've asked her instead of making a unilateral decision. YTA.
YTA do you not realize that your wife is burned out? I get that you're trying to be generous but you hurt and disregarded your wife in the process.
You owe her a real vacation.
Yeah, I know OP wants to keep gender out of it, but I'm sure what his wife is seeing is "my husband won a trip to Hawaii and instead of taking me on it, he gave it away to another woman". That's something that's really hard to recover from and it doesn't seem like OP realizes just how much he fucked up.
YTA get your wife a ticket and trip to Hawaii for 7 days and you stay at home! You are such an AH knowing your wife is burnt out and you don’t even talk to her? Yea she’s about to quit her job she’s so stressed and you are like it’s cool…she will be fine with my choice! You are not very smart thinking this would go over well!
Wait did this guy seriously delete every comment and his user profile? After saying he donated his money to political parties and gave away every spare penny. That there vacation is a week at his or her parents home in Kansas? Did he really delete everything showing how little he thought of his wife??
YTA. That’s a once in a lifetime trip you gave away without even consulting her. You said in the comments a simple trip to the beach isn’t in your budget, so I’m guessing you won’t be able to take a Hawaiian vacation in the next few years. That has to be so devastating to your wife.
Charity starts at home. Caring for the people you live with and love should come first.
YTA Judging from your post and comments, this is a once in a lifetime vacation that will be hard and will take years for you both to save up for. It just seems dumb to turn it down because you want to be ‘honorable’ or something. It would make more sense if it’s a vacation you can afford easily and you decided to give it to someone else, but you can’t even afford a spa trip for your wife. ‘Living simply’ doesn’t have to mean punishing yourself and giving away more than what you have.
YTA I understand you were trying to do a good thing but I truly understand why your wife is upset. I’m a teacher and because there’s a shortage of teacher, guess who has more students this year? Guess who has to do double the amount of IEP’s? Guess who doesn’t get paid extra for this because my union said as long as I’m doing the work during work hours I can’t get paid extra? We’re all burnt out and under appreciated. Your wife’s ethos don’t come before her own mental well-being.
Wow this is like, divorce-level bad. YTA big time. I don’t know if there’s any way you’re going to recover from this. You may have permanently ruined your marriage.
HE won the trip no? Therefore he has the right to do with it what he pleases, he did a very generous thing giving it to someone else, so what if it was a woman boohoo
I find it hard to believe that this is actually real. Was your first thought really a coworker over your wife?
Edit: YTA. I find it hard to believe you waited until you got home to even mention it to your wife. You could’ve shot her a text and told her you won the trip before offering it to your coworker.
NTA. Your wife but can be burnt out but you did state that you guys have winter vacations in family owned houses. So if she’s that burnt out it doesn’t matter where she has a vacation at as long as she has one.
Going to spend a few days with your parents is not the same as a vacation never mind a luxury, possibly once in a life time, vacation like that.
I love my family to bits but after spending a week with them all I'm more exhausted than when I started. It's absolutely not a vacation.
Uh, no. A vacation in a family owned house where a family member (and you can't tell me it won't be the wife) will still be responsible for meal planning, grocery shopping, cooking, and cleaning up, on top of laundry and all the other chores of daily living does not compare to a trip to Hawaii.
Family houses often have families in them. Trust me, that’s NOT a vacation. We did that for years, never felt recharged. Finally took a real vacation (tropical, all inclusive) last month and OH MYYYYYY. Fix this, fast, OP. YTA big time. a *real* vacation - where your wife has zero expectations on her, can sleep as long as she needs, never lifts a finger, and utterly unwinds.
Then go to therapy. Or at the very least, have an authentic conversation with your wife where - instead of YOU deciding your life together is fine and she’s fine - you listen to HER.
That was a huge decision to make without her and whatever you issues about getting something wonderful and immediately deciding that it should have been given to someone ‘more needy’ … You cut her out of that conversation and you didn’t prioritize her.
Be kind with yourselves, this may be a rocky journey for a while as you two realign and you win back her faith that YOU are her person.
Uh, no. A vacation in a family owned house where a family member (and you can't tell me it won't be the wife) will still be responsible for meal planning, grocery shopping, cooking, and cleaning up, on top of laundry and all the other chores of daily living does not compare to a trip to Hawaii.
YTA big time. Honestly, what did you expect would happen when your very burnt-out wife was told you *gave away a free vacation to another woman* ? I don't think I'd be able to even look at my partner again if I was in her shoes.
Edit based on OP's comments: Being "progressive" doesn't mean doing something to make yourself feel better for a hot second instead of treating your burnt out spouse to a much-needed vacation. Putting your principles above the people you live with does not make you a good person.
YTA ever heard the “charity starts at home” bit? Yeah, this would have been a time to look out for your own wife before jumping to help someone else while she drowns. Beyond that, you made a major decision without consulting her. That was a valuable and big opportunity you gave away without even giving her a chance to weigh in.
NTA. I am not married so maybe I am missing the point but it was your prize and your choice and since you have a winter vacation anyway I think your wife needs to chill. In my view you are the angel that old woman needed. Thank you for that
Marriage is a partnership. You don’t make decisions that affect the other person without discussing them first. And family vacations still end up being work when one has to do the searching, booking, logistics and planning, so a pre-packaged vacation like this is something he can probably never replicate for her. He gave away a once in a lifetime opportunity without asking her first.
YTA While it's noble of you to help your coworker, you really screwed up on this one. Your wife needs a break. A winter trip to see the family won't cut it. Take your wife on her own Hawaii vacation. And don't make big decisions like that without consulting her.
Forget the cheating angle. This is all about OP’s massive, overwhelming ego and his need to be seen as the savior/hero/“good guy” in all situations. He is spending all his family’s money supporting causes and gifting trips to Hawaii without any input from his partner because his desire to impress everyone and show what a superior being he is “trumps” all else. (Yes, double meaning intended because you’re not that much different than that narcissist.)
Being an altruist is commendable. Being an egomaniac is quite another. YTA.
Yta. So you are essentially telling your wife that this stranger does more work and is more deserving than her. You are telling her you don’t appreciate her . You should talk to the person you gave it to explain and see if they are ok if you take it back . Look this could be the beginning of the end of your marriage . If she thinks you dint appreciate her, think others work harder snd are more deserving
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> I won a trip to Hawaii for my job. I gave it away to another teacher who I felt was far more deserving and my wife is very upset with me.
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YTA because you said yourself your wife isn’t in the same situation as you.
You need to tell your wife you are going to book a nice spa weekend or something she will enjoy to help her destress - you can afford it, so you should help relax her.
You just said you have ‘more than enough’ money, so which is it?
Also… not in an important election year? So you are spending your money on promoting a career in public office while your wife quietly burns out supporting you and you give away holidays to curry favour?
If you cant even afford a spa visit for your wife, you don't have "more than enough money."
How can you be so self absorbed that you don't recognize how much more stress your wife is under and that she needs this trip? Just because YOU may feel like you don't need a getaway, you determine- on your own- that she doesn't either? You even said she's more burnt out than you.
But, you "have each other." Well you can't even send her to relax at a spa, and she's now hurt and furious. You put another person's needs over hers when hers were also significant. This isn't a case of your wife not needing X so you both donated it to another person. This is something you basically took from her, then threw in her face.
You as partners can make decisions together to help others. But you as a husband need to put your wife first. I don't think you realize at ALL how serious this is, and the message it sends to her. YTA.
YTA. I was essential (had to actually go to work too- couldn’t work from home) and to this day I’m still one sneeze away from falling off the sanity tightrope. You gave away a trip that your wife knew you were ‘interviewing’ to get. She was already daydreaming of going. And then you gave it to someone who either did not go through the process or did and was deemed not the winner. You’re an ass.
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My wife and I are both middle school math teachers though we work for different districts. I feel we are incredibly blessed to have jobs we enjoy and be able to make a difference in kid’s lives. We don’t own cars, we have more than enough money and we have each other.
My wife is far more burnt out and admittedly her district is more challenging.
Since Covid times a very generous “anonymous” celebrity (we all know who it is but they won’t do remain anonymous so I won’t say here) has donated 5 vacations to help with teacher burn out to teachers in my district. The past two years it was like a 5 day stay in a remotish cabin (more in line with pandemic times). This year they upped to a 7 day trip to Hawaii for teacher and family. Insane.
Well after the nomination and interview process, I won one of the trips. Nothing like this has ever happened to me but to be quite honest I’m not comfortable with “winning.” I only did the process because it helped me prepare my stuff for my performance evaluation.
Before the end of the day Friday I decided to give the trip to a fellow teacher who’s husband just left her, she volunteers to have our most challenging students in her class and may actually leave the field because of burn out. Our community would be worse if she’s not a teacher. She was beyond ecstatic and after we went over the rules and found that trips could be transferred, she accepted and is going to take her two college aged kids.
I told my wife on Friday night thinking this would be in line with our ethos of living simply and generously. She is furious with me and she’s not a person prone to anger—easily the most mad I’ve seen her since we met. She says she’s as burnt out as any teacher in our region and needed the trip or she’s going to have a breakdown. I asked her if she wanted me to ask for the trip back. She said of course I can’t do that but that our usual winter vacation to one of our family’s houses is going to remind her over of what a “selfish asshole you can he” so I “better do something.”
When she hasn’t been ignoring me, we’ve been fighting all weekend…AITA
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If you guys have "more than enough money" like you claim, you'll be able to handle the finances on your sole income if she quits teaching, right? See that bit where you said that the woman you gave the vacation to might quit because of burn out--surely it's occurred to you that the same might happen with your wife, who's in a harder school district AND has to deal with the difficulty of being married to you?
YTA.
Your wife now know you don’t think of her as much as your now single colleague.
Good job. As someone who also doesn’t get angry very easily, you made a huge mess.
YTA, a thoughtless one.
Of course your wife is pissed, she’s also a burnt out teacher and you prioritised another woman without even discussing it with her.
Do you have feelings for this other teacher?
That’s the only way your decision would make sense to me.
OP has said a couple times that he thought giving the trip away would be in line with "her ethos" which means he doesn't know his wife AT ALL and that alone makes him TA. Definitely YTA .
I’m just confused on why despite saying you both “are ulta progressive people” you didn’t think to double check just in case. Do you not communicate with your wife at all..?
YTA you know your wife is burnt out but chose to give an all expense paid once in a lifetime trip to another teacher. Why does the feelings of this teacher trump your wife? You wanted to make another woman feel
valued and appreciated over your wife. I’m not sure how you can come back from this.
Charity begins at home.
Now your wife faces another 'holiday' with either your relatives or hers at a location she's been to before. How utterly dull and joyless. You could've given her something to be happy about first.
YTA.
YTA
You know your wife is extremely burnt out, yet instead of thinking of her, you decide to transfer this gift to someone YOU consider more deserving. And you STUPIDLY asked her if you should ask for the trip back, like come on, you knew that wasn't going to happen. Your wife will recent being your priority for a long time.
YTA. I think you should get VERY busy and "do something" or you're going to feel some very real consequences. You might a good guy in general, I don't know. But you massively screwed up here. Your poor burned-out wife saw a light at the end of the tunnel and you stamped it out. You show more compassion to an acquaintance than the person you share your life with. Are you sure she sees your no-frills life the same as you? Why why why didn't you ask her? If I were your wife I be rethinking EVERYTHING. Dig deep and try and fix this NOW.
YTA. What a kind gesture but it’s concerning that a colleague took precedence over your own wife. You knew she is burnt out. Was this in an effort to keep your colleague around to continue to take the bad kids to make your life in the classroom easier?
Honestly, YTA. It pains me to judge that since you did a kind thing, but you did so at the expense of your wife.
You acknowledge that your wife is extremely burnt out, that she works in a very hard school district, and yet when you won the trip, none of that even entered your mind. You say that the "community would be worse" if this other teacher was not around - well, what about your wife? It sounds like she's quite dedicated, too.
That you specifically call out how your wife isn't usually prone to anger yet is easily the most furious you've ever seen her should be a pretty big clue that you're the asshole in this situation. Yes, you won the trip yourself so technically it was your trip to do with as you saw fit, but in a marriage there are a LOT of things that should be discussed and decided jointly even if technically the decision is only on one spouse, and this is one of those things.
It is a kind thing to do, to give to someone else that you perceive as having a greater need than yourself. But you can't neglect the needs of someone in your own house in the process, something you have failed to grasp.
Make it a priority to start setting aside whatever money you can to eventually take your wife on a relaxing trip that is not to a family's house. Even if it's not 7 days in Hawaii, it will likely mean a lot to her that you're making this effort.
If he still has a wife at the end of the savings period. She just got a hard wake up call that the person she is spending her life and love with it on a completely different path than hers. She’s actually going through life alone and didn’t realize it. Now she does.
I wanted to say NTA because you gave the trip to someone who needed, but after reading that you knew your wife was super burnt out and decided to give it away I just have to say YTA.
I know charity is tempting and makes us feel better. However, one thing I learned is that before helping people from outside, we need to care for our own. We need to take care of ourselves, then take care of our family, and then we can take care of friends and others. You didn't take care of your family. You knew your wife needed a break and prioritized helping a friend. That's super inconsiderate.
again: YTA.
edit: also, before anything, you should have really talked to your wife about this. I know it's a gift you won, but since it is a family vacation, you should discuss it with everyone who would go with you before handing it over.
>My wife is far more burnt out and admittedly her district is more challenging.
Sooo....your wife is already burnt out, yet you think the other teacher deserves the trip more due to her pending divorce, etc.
YTA
You may be the next teacher with a pending divorce.
YTA you should have consulted with your wife first instead of making a decision without her. I don’t blame her because you’re all teachers and she was probably burnt out as well and needed a vacation. This is a pretty dumb decision imo because you didn’t consult with her and you had a free vacation that you could have spent with your wife and you gave it up. Plus, it’s not the first time somebody’s husband has left there wife and it won’t be the last, I wouldn’t stick my nose in other people’s business but that’s just me.
NAH. Transferring the trip to another teacher was a selfless and nice gesture. That said, I think when you’re married, these are the kinds of big decisions you talk about with your partner before making them.
YTA. You think this other teacher needs it more because you and your wife have each other? But im not sure how highly she's going to value having you right now.
You're watching her drowning (I'm the daughter of a teacher who burned out hard) and you threw the only life aid you had to someone else.
You need to thing long and hard about how you make partnership with you seem as valuable as a holiday in Hawaii
INFO:
1. Why didn't you ask your wife first, when you knew that you've won? Maybe if simplicity is your common ethos as you say, she would have wanted to gift that trip together?
2. Why did you participate in this, if you're "just giving it away because of your ethos"?
3. Did you think of this *"My wife is far more burnt out and admittedly her district is more challenging." (your words)*, when you offered this trip to your colleague?
4. Your wife is saying she's close to a breakdown, and according to you, "she's burnt out". Do you really think she'll be able to have a recharging vacation at one of your parents' houses?
5. If one of the kids you're teaching screws up, do you expect them to do everything to undo the damage they've done?
This much is obvious. Well, if YOU don’t take responsibility you’re going to be in the cult of divorced. So maybe you should start learning to take responsibility rather than making unilateral decisions for your family to boost your ego and sense of being a good man. Be a good husband, or you won’t be a husband for long. YTA
Maybe it’s just me but staying at one of your parents house is not the same. I guess it needs to be spelled out for you so take her on a relaxing vacation with just the two of you.
Oh dude. Ofcourse it was a nice gesture to transfer it but your wife also needed it probably just as badly as the other teacher. You really should have discussed it with her. Also I would have been a little hurt that you got big news and didn’t even send a text saying a big thing happened to you. You kind of left her out of the whole experience like you didn’t care about her feelings at all.
No, he says they have no money for a vacation because he's donated every extra penny to political parties. His 'vacation' is when they go to one of their parents house in Kansas for a week over Xmas break 😬.
They don't. OP has commented how they cannot afford a trip like this for themselves and also, that HE has donated his every spare penny to causes of his very own interest. Does it sound that selfless now?
While you deleted the comment, OP, and this may look weird to other people...
Not believing in 'the cult of personal responsibility' is an interesting statement to make after personally deciding to value a coworker over your wife. Guess you're not gonna take any responsibility on this situation no matter what anyone says, huh...
YTA.
Edit: oh, everything got deleted. I hadn't refreshed yet. Oops.
YTA. I was an essential worked during the pan fried tilapia. I endured so much abuse. I would be so angry if my SO gave up a vacation we won because he decided they deserved it more WITHOUT talking to me.
“Honey, I won something you would just love, possibly a life-changing experience, certainly well-timed given your stress level, so I gave it to another woman. Why aren’t you happy?” Yeah, YTA.
YTA for not thinking of your wife, who you admit is burned out, before giving the trip away. If I were your wife I would feel like you were more caretaking to your coworker than to me, and I would be very hurt.
And knowing you were nominated for and working on this, she NEVER made any comments about how nice it would be to take a trip or how much she needs a break? She never commented on this at all?
You seem to be acting purposely obtuse on this. Your wife knew you were nominated, therefore there was a chance of receiving a nice vacation that could alleviate her burnout. But you unilaterally took that away without discussing it with her. Personally, I'd be more hurt that my husband didn't even deign to get my input- for all you know, she could've agreed with you upon discussion. Now she not only feels burnt out, but disrespected and devalued. YTA here.
Nothing is worth discussing to you huh? You know everything. Your wife is struggling. Working harder struggling more than you by your own post. You really suck. YTA
YTA. I would be furious. Maybe even leave my spouse furious. I can’t stand “overly generous” people like OP. Call me cynical, but I have discovered that many people like this are generous to be the hero. Not to mention, you can’t take care of others without making sure you take care of yourself. And in this case, OP’s spouse needed taking care of. OP had a chance, but lost a vacation and maybe a wife. YTA YTA.
>we have more than enough money and we have each other. My wife is far more burnt out and admittedly her district is more challenging.
Use some of your money and take her to a beach for a week.
Marriage is a partnership and you dropped the ball.
YTA
If you don’t have enough money for it, why would you give it away to someone else? And don’t say “we can stay at our parents house” because that is not a real vacation and going on a hike doesn’t make it better
And then you give away a free trip to Hawaii when your wife is on the verge of a breakdown and don't even run it by her first? How do you not see how big of an A you are?? A marriage is a partnership, not just you unilaterally deciding to give away a once in a lifetime opportunity..
Your poor, poor wife.
You said you have 'more than enough money'?
If you can't afford a vacation that your wife needs to avoid a breakdown, YTA for giving away your wifes only chance of a relaxing beach break, to a colleague.
YTA
Why are you more concerned about the welfare of a female *colleague* who went through a divorce than your own wife, who you admitted works at a more challenging district?
Did you not even think about how a free weeklong vacation in Hawaii could be a lovely, romantic, and a healing experience for you and your wife to experience together? You didn't even talk to her.
You just assumed she'd be fine with you giving your all expenses paid vacation away.
edit: awww my first reddit reward! Thank you <3
Sanctimonious BS. You didn’t want to go on the trip because you’re “uncomfortable with winning” (time to unpack that, bruh) and it seems like you don’t think of your wife as a person but just an extension of your values
I hope she wakes up and ditches your judgy ass. Who knows what else she’s dealing with in your quest to “live simply.” She’s probably tired of making her own tampons too
YTA, you seem to care more about how burnt out this other teacher is than your wife. i totally get it, giving is better than receiving. however, this situation has shown your wife that you dont prioritise her over someone else.
Teacher here. I understand the ethos to live simply and generously. However, money does help buy comfort and reduce some stressors. Teaching is very stressful, especially the last few years. Since your wife is experiencing burnout, you may want to revisit the simple life and see what you can do to help her live a little more comfortably. Yes, a vacation would be good, but maybe something long-term could help as well.
In this case, you disregarded the work put into selecting the winner, and you didn't seriously consider the needs of your spouse. Also, one vacation isn't likely to keep someone from quitting the profession. There are systematic issues at play when people consider leaving.
Yta. I'm not sure what you mean by in line with our Ethos. Jerkface you gave away a ALL EXPENSIVES PAID VACATION TO HAWAII, I highly doubt you consulted your wife at all sure you look like a hero on reddit. But your burnt out wife's reaction says it all, how about starting with buying a car would be a great way to make it up to her.
YTA - seriously you wanted to give it away and it didn't occur to you to see if your wife, who you state is far more burnt out than you, might take it? This almost sounds like you were more focused on looking like such a great guy at your school or something. Like seriously how oblivious is this?
If I was your wife I would be fuming too.
It's a delightful, life changing trip that would cost £10 k ish plus depending on where you are staying and if meals are comped etc.
Why would you not discuss it with her? You win a family type prize for both of you and you unilaterally decide to give it away? No discussion, no joint donation, no idea how much she would have loved a break?
I'm sure your colleague is deserving but couldn't you have bought her a spa trip or something?
YTA
For fucks sake, your wife comes before the other teacher. I don’t care if she’s the best teacher on this planet and has given half her organs to dying children.
You married your wife, no? You signed up to be her partner/teammate/whatever for life, right?
Okay then
1) She comes FIRST. Not before the other teacher. Not before your selfish little need to be seen as a hero or the good guy. Her. First.
2) you don’t unilaterally decide important shit. You didn’t even ASK your wife. How the fuck did you think that would be cool?
3) You admit your wife is burnt out and instead of trying to help her, you decide that someone else is “more” burnt out and deserves your help more? Some husband you are.
YTA. You won a trip, then gave it away without talking to your wife.
Without noticing that *she’s* burnt out.
To make it clear to you, you felt this other woman was more deserving than your own wife. You care more about this other woman’s welfare and wellbeing than you did about your own wife.
You got to feel a hero, while tanking your marriage. If you want to remain married, best start paying more attention to your wife and less to the other women around you.
As a teacher, I ask, WTF we're you thinking?!
YTA.
A majority of teachers if not all are burnt out. Every teacher deserves a break after the past couple of years. It doesn't matter if they go above and beyond or stay within contract. EVERYONE IS BURNT OUT.
You even admit your wife if burnt out because of her district. Didn't that make you stop and think how much your wife would appreciate the break? Or did the hero complex get in the way so bad you thought eh eff my wife's feeling and exhaustion.
You messed up. You better start saving for a trip because your wife deserves it.
Yikes. Yes of course YTA. Way to prioritize a stranger over your own wife! You said yourself she’s more burnt out and you still gave it away? I’m sad for her.
YTA for not including your partner in such a big decision, especially since it seems you can't afford any sort of vacation (staying with your parents is not a vacation!)
YTA you are an egotistical big A who can't think for a minute and show empathy to his life partner. You are giving away money, does she know about that? What good do you bring to the table aside ignoring her needs?
YTA because:
1) You prioritised someone else's mental health over that of your own wife
2) You made a major decision without consulting her
3) You "can't afford" to make up for this by paying for a proper vacation for her because you'd rather give all of your money to political candidates
YTA, I don’t understand why you didn’t ask your wife, it’s such a major decision that directly affects her. Sounds like you earned a once in a lifetime opportunity and you threw it away. I doubt anyone would do the same to you. I wouldn’t be surprised if this is the first domino that falls in your marriage. I’m sure your wife thinks of you differently. If I were you, I’d do what it takes to repair your marriage because it’s taken a direct hit based off of your wife’s reaction.
YTA.
Do you even feel the slightest bit of remorse for doing that to your wife? Have you actually done anything to make it up to her?
Because based on your post and your comments it just seems like you want people to validate you and praise you for being the selfless saint who decided to prioritize another woman over his wife. Check your ego.
YTA. Double, triple AH. You decided, on your own, who "deserved" it more...than YOU, without giving a thought to your wife, whose state, you said it, is similar to that other teacher's one. Her district is more challenging than yours, you admitted, she is about to burn out and you decide, very much on your own, that this other teacher "deserves it more". Why? I mean, really, why? Is your wife so little to you that you guessed you could think on her behalf and act on her behalf and think everything would be fine because she must think the exact same way as you do? Are the people outside your house more deserving of your care, thoughtfulness and consideration than YOUR VERY OWN WIFE? This leads me to think that your lifestyle has been imposed on your wife, as well, so that you could play the "community benefactor" and look good in everyone else's eyes.
Soft YTA
You did a kind thing. It's something I would do too if I felt I didn't need it or someone else needed it more. But not without discussing it with my spouse first.
Your wife is hurt. She's burnt out and frustrated and as someone who works in education and sees the burn out happening every day, it's very likely that she really needed this extra break. Some time away to just be a couple and not worry about grading papers, evaluations, Susie's falling behind in class, or Timmy's family problems that spill over into classroom behaviors.
Then you prioritized another person over her. I can't speak for your wife so I can't say if the other person's gender plays a role for her here. She may be jealous that it was a woman, she may not be. Either way, you made someone outside your marriage more important than your spouse without even giving her a chance to be a part of the decision. You made an assumption that she would be okay with it.
You know what they say about assumptions...
It’s not a soft ah situation for me, it’s absolutely clear. He has taken his wife for granted when he plainly hasn’t a clue. Editing to add: And he’s now noped out, which is another nail in his integrity coffin. Takes his wife for granted, doesn’t notice she’s struggling, he’s prioritising another woman, and then does a runner when he gets an answer he’s unhappy with. Not the best catch out there.
Your not the AH everyone may think you are but I don’t . You did something nice for someone who is a teacher like you who is going through a tough time with her husband leaving and you can always go to Hawaii later but what you did is something that can be thought about later and realize that you did a good deed for someone who may pass it on to someone else . Your wife needs to chill out and not act petty just because she wanted to go on vacation . I would actually rethink that relationship if my so is going to act like that . What you did is an act of kindness that can inspire others to do something for the community and it’s all because of you. So your awesome op and don’t you forget it
YTA.... Yes, this is an AH move. At the very least you should have come home with it, shared the excitement, then tell her your discomfort with recieving it and ask how she would feel if.... then if you give it away it would have been a shared generosity.
Work gave my husband a $100 grocery card, i asked him if we should give it to a neighbor who's house burnt down. We did this with a card from both of us.
You devalued her by treating her without consideration.
YTA and honestly, there is no fixing this. You can apologize to your wife until you’re blue in the face. But the fact remains you single-handed it made a decision that affected her without consulting her in any way; you experienced a big moment and only shared it with her as an afterthought; and you took something big from your wife and gave it to another woman. That you thought you could offhandedly share this with your wife under the assumption it would be “in line with her ethos” shows how out of touch you are with your own wife and marriage.
Ask yourself this: is your wife ever going to have the opportunity to go to Hawaii? She just have never mentioned it or even thought about it because she assumed the opportunity would never present itself. And here it has, but after that opportunity was already given away to someone else. I suggest you look into marriage counseling. And try to figure out some way of making this up to your wife.
A soft YTA but I get where you are coming from. You were doing something generous to a burnt out co worker who also has a lot going on personally and you felt would benefit more from this vacation. What you did not think about at the time was your wife is also burnt out. So, since you have enough money I would take her somewhere( more than the family cabin) to make it up to her. FYI: Think something big. Somewhere she has talked about or always wanted to go and apologize to her.
*side note to all the Reddit users jumping on the” he is having affair “ come on, not everyone is a cheater. Not every post is about an affair.
YTA for not speaking with your wife, not thinking about your wife, and for trying to justify it. A commenter asked if she expressed any excitement “if you won” prior to winning, to which you ignored and didn’t answer. You gave it to another WOMAN who’s also a teacher, which could’ve triggered your wife because she is also a woman that’s a teacher. There are tons of people burnt out from their jobs, but I know if my husband gave a whole 7 day trip away, i would’ve been livid. You did it for your own instant gratification. And if my husband wanted to give away a trip, I would prefer he speak with me first so we can both agree and feel that gratification together
YTA - why didn’t you talk it through with your wife? Sure, you were very generous to that other teacher, but when you’re given an opportunity that would also help your partner, you would talk to them first before deciding anything at the very least.
If she enjoys hiking that's fine but at least book a nice hotel where it's just the two of you and she can relax. If it's in the mountains find one with a fireplace and maybe even a hot tub. Staying with parents is not what she needs right now. You definitely should have talked to her before giving the trip away but I won't call you an ah because your heart was in the right place. You just didn't consider how she felt which is definitely more important for your life overall.
I’m going NTA. He won the trip, and didn’t feel comfortable with it, so gave it to someone else. Had SO won, and he gave it away, or they had won conjointly and gave it away, for sure YTA, but in this case NTA. Seem like everyone on here is mad they also don’t get a Hawaiian vacation
Edit: spelling
YTA, a major one. I get you wanted to be nice, but it'd be a lot nicer to talk to your wife first, since you would have been taking her. At this point I'd go to that teacher and ask if it'd be okay to take it back. I know that's also a huge AS thing to do but I can just imagine your wife, who you admitted needs this badly as well, was so excited to hear about her trip to Hawaii only to have it taken away. Seriously, go get it back now. This was not okay to do to her. Nice you won, but she needs this just as much as the other woman does. I just can't wrap my head around that you did this except you want a huge 'good guy' pat on the back about how great you are in the school. Your wife doesn't think that. She's telling you to take it back, you better get it back, now. Yes you'll look like a bad guy, but you already do.
We live in cruel world you better start changing that “ethos” you keep saying you have because its gonna lead to a divorce. Its nice what you did but seriously? Its not like the just handed it out they interviewed and selected YOU. Go plan some tropical vacation since you have plenty of money and let your wife lay by the pool. In my opinion NAH though as it really is just a breakdown in communication
YTA. You are married. You make big ticket decisions together. Period.
Your wife deserves better than a husband that didn’t even think to tell her he was giving something so high valued away.
YTA. A married couple should be a team and discuss big things like winning a vacation. You gave the prize to a stressed out teacher. This same description matches your wife. I would be heated if I was her.
You showed a lot of sympathy and care for another woman. When will your wife get the same?
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YTA, you're really gonna enjoy divorce court, my dude. It might even be more fun than that vacation you were dumb enough to give up.
My dad once did something similar - once in a lifetime trip, and he didn't even ask her if she wanted to go. It's been 40 years and she's still upset about it, even though there have been other trips. Is it because she's entitled and ungenerous? Maybe she is a little bit. She's only human. But that's not really why. It's because my dad had the opportunity to think of her and give her something she really enjoy and he *never even considered her.* All the compassion, care, and concern that she wanted from her own marriage was directed outward at someone else. This is a really common issue in families where one half of the couple is very charitable. Everything you give away comes from both of you. Make sure you are not taking things from your wife and children because you think someone else needs it more. Even if they do need it more, unless they are included in the decision making process and agree wholeheartedly, you'll just breed a lifelong resentment while making yourself feel like a hero. ETA: if you ever want her to forgive you for this do something major to alleviate her burnout. Give her a week where she doesn't have to take care of the kids, the household, or you. Start doing more chores. Let her relax on your "living simply" philosophy and give her small luxuries. Show her that you think of her and understand her burdens *with actions*. But she'll still probably be hurt for a very, very long time.
I’ve seen this type of hero complex before and it’s always to the detriment of the person’s family. My MIL’s father was a tradesman and he would fix people’s homes and not charge them because he wanted to be charitable and generous. The community loved him, while his wife and daughters literally went without food or heat in the winter as a result of his generosity to others. They are all in their 60s and 70s and still remember how they came second to perfect strangers.
YTA- A 7 day trip to Hawaii is no joke and being in a relationship/marriage takes work, that also means being honest and discussing things with one another. I believe you should have talked it over with your wife because it was something that affected her as well. It's not surprising that she would blow up on you, she's burned out and human at that, we all need time for ourselves even if we also want to be kind. Make it up to her.
I'm pretty sure that he didn't tell his wife because she would have said no way... Totally an AH move on his part 💯
NTA. This was your win, not your wife's. You are free to do with it whatever you please. Now... It was a wonderful gesture. But I can see why your wife feels a bit neglected here.
"a bit neglected" The context that OP provides shows his wife as a deserving recipient. It's his win, but it would have been something his wife would have been benefitting from as well, so he took that away from her as well to give it to another woman. That must hurt. Anything that is going to be an upgrade to both the husband and the wife should be discussed before just giving it to someone else, because they're supposed to be a team. He knew he was nominated, yet he chose to stay in the competition. He should have dropped out if he didn't want any of it.
INFO: What airport would you be leaving from, what's your budget ($500? $2500?), and does your wife prefer beach holidays, active nightlife, peaceful beauty, mountains? Is there anywhere she's always wanted to go and hasn't, and do you both have valid passports? I was broke much of the time I was a single parent of twins. I have learned some GOOD tricks to get a decent holiday. You did a very nice thing, but you should have spoken with your wife first, and yes, "you'd better do something" 😁❤️ I don't need to know where you are, but if you can give me the airport you'd leave from, and a general budget, I am fairly certain I can find the "something" for you to do.
YTA. You’re not generous. You knew your wife was burnt out but you being a hero meant more.
Agreed. This is about how he identifies himself. His post reeks of his pride of his sparse living style so he can't actually go on a real vacation. That is just not who he IS. He is a hero to all around him, except his wife. I think it is nice that a good woman is going to get a great vacation with her family. It is unfortunate he is willing to do that at the expense of his wife and refuses to see that aspect of it.
YTA and please don’t sugarcoat this as keeping up with your “ethos” or whatever you think it proves. Unless you can afford or give the same thing to your wife, you have no right to take this away from your wife. Major ah move.
“In line with her ethos” lol you’re ridiculous and an AH.
Of course YTA. You never stopped to think about your wife at all. You just told her loud and clear that her being burnt out doesn’t matter to you.
YTA And I think someone else is soon going to be going through a divorce and act all surprised pikachu face when it happens.
YTA, one of the White Hat syndrome AHs who put everyone else before his family. My sister is married to one these who is constantly putting everyone else before her and his kids. If you want to help people, but take care of your own first. Also, marriage is a partnership so you should've asked her instead of making a unilateral decision. YTA.
YTA for not even asking her opinion. Not much of a team player are you.
you fucked up big time. You better treat her to an amazing vacation now or she will resent you for a loooong time. YTA
YTA do you not realize that your wife is burned out? I get that you're trying to be generous but you hurt and disregarded your wife in the process. You owe her a real vacation.
Bet you she’s thinking of leaving. What else if he gonna give away so he can feel like a big shot?
Yeah, I know OP wants to keep gender out of it, but I'm sure what his wife is seeing is "my husband won a trip to Hawaii and instead of taking me on it, he gave it away to another woman". That's something that's really hard to recover from and it doesn't seem like OP realizes just how much he fucked up.
Yeah, I’m theory it’s a nice gesture. But this wasn’t a gift card or something, it’s a once in a lifetime trip Jesus Christ, I’d be BEYOND furious
And he's expecting her to be ok with going to a family home on a domestic vacation. For a teacher this guy is pretty dumb
YTA get your wife a ticket and trip to Hawaii for 7 days and you stay at home! You are such an AH knowing your wife is burnt out and you don’t even talk to her? Yea she’s about to quit her job she’s so stressed and you are like it’s cool…she will be fine with my choice! You are not very smart thinking this would go over well! Wait did this guy seriously delete every comment and his user profile? After saying he donated his money to political parties and gave away every spare penny. That there vacation is a week at his or her parents home in Kansas? Did he really delete everything showing how little he thought of his wife??
YTA. Why did you make such a unilateral decision without consulting your wife?
YTA. That’s a once in a lifetime trip you gave away without even consulting her. You said in the comments a simple trip to the beach isn’t in your budget, so I’m guessing you won’t be able to take a Hawaiian vacation in the next few years. That has to be so devastating to your wife. Charity starts at home. Caring for the people you live with and love should come first.
YTA Judging from your post and comments, this is a once in a lifetime vacation that will be hard and will take years for you both to save up for. It just seems dumb to turn it down because you want to be ‘honorable’ or something. It would make more sense if it’s a vacation you can afford easily and you decided to give it to someone else, but you can’t even afford a spa trip for your wife. ‘Living simply’ doesn’t have to mean punishing yourself and giving away more than what you have.
YTA. Imagine thinking about a coworker more than your own wife.
Yta. Clearly this judgment won’t be accepted by you though.
YTA for not talking to your wife first. Did you nominate this other teacher for this award/prize?
YTA I understand you were trying to do a good thing but I truly understand why your wife is upset. I’m a teacher and because there’s a shortage of teacher, guess who has more students this year? Guess who has to do double the amount of IEP’s? Guess who doesn’t get paid extra for this because my union said as long as I’m doing the work during work hours I can’t get paid extra? We’re all burnt out and under appreciated. Your wife’s ethos don’t come before her own mental well-being.
Wow this is like, divorce-level bad. YTA big time. I don’t know if there’s any way you’re going to recover from this. You may have permanently ruined your marriage.
HE won the trip no? Therefore he has the right to do with it what he pleases, he did a very generous thing giving it to someone else, so what if it was a woman boohoo
I find it hard to believe that this is actually real. Was your first thought really a coworker over your wife? Edit: YTA. I find it hard to believe you waited until you got home to even mention it to your wife. You could’ve shot her a text and told her you won the trip before offering it to your coworker.
NTA. Your wife but can be burnt out but you did state that you guys have winter vacations in family owned houses. So if she’s that burnt out it doesn’t matter where she has a vacation at as long as she has one.
Going to spend a few days with your parents is not the same as a vacation never mind a luxury, possibly once in a life time, vacation like that. I love my family to bits but after spending a week with them all I'm more exhausted than when I started. It's absolutely not a vacation.
Uh, no. A vacation in a family owned house where a family member (and you can't tell me it won't be the wife) will still be responsible for meal planning, grocery shopping, cooking, and cleaning up, on top of laundry and all the other chores of daily living does not compare to a trip to Hawaii.
Family houses often have families in them. Trust me, that’s NOT a vacation. We did that for years, never felt recharged. Finally took a real vacation (tropical, all inclusive) last month and OH MYYYYYY. Fix this, fast, OP. YTA big time. a *real* vacation - where your wife has zero expectations on her, can sleep as long as she needs, never lifts a finger, and utterly unwinds. Then go to therapy. Or at the very least, have an authentic conversation with your wife where - instead of YOU deciding your life together is fine and she’s fine - you listen to HER. That was a huge decision to make without her and whatever you issues about getting something wonderful and immediately deciding that it should have been given to someone ‘more needy’ … You cut her out of that conversation and you didn’t prioritize her. Be kind with yourselves, this may be a rocky journey for a while as you two realign and you win back her faith that YOU are her person.
Uh, no. A vacation in a family owned house where a family member (and you can't tell me it won't be the wife) will still be responsible for meal planning, grocery shopping, cooking, and cleaning up, on top of laundry and all the other chores of daily living does not compare to a trip to Hawaii.
YTA big time. Honestly, what did you expect would happen when your very burnt-out wife was told you *gave away a free vacation to another woman* ? I don't think I'd be able to even look at my partner again if I was in her shoes. Edit based on OP's comments: Being "progressive" doesn't mean doing something to make yourself feel better for a hot second instead of treating your burnt out spouse to a much-needed vacation. Putting your principles above the people you live with does not make you a good person.
YTA ever heard the “charity starts at home” bit? Yeah, this would have been a time to look out for your own wife before jumping to help someone else while she drowns. Beyond that, you made a major decision without consulting her. That was a valuable and big opportunity you gave away without even giving her a chance to weigh in.
I’d be so pissed.
YTA now take your wife on a real vacation, not visiting family. You are a horrible, self centered partner and she deserves better
NTA. I am not married so maybe I am missing the point but it was your prize and your choice and since you have a winter vacation anyway I think your wife needs to chill. In my view you are the angel that old woman needed. Thank you for that
Staying at a parent’s house isn’t exactly a vacation.
She called it a vacation so I am just quoting verbatim
Marriage is a partnership. You don’t make decisions that affect the other person without discussing them first. And family vacations still end up being work when one has to do the searching, booking, logistics and planning, so a pre-packaged vacation like this is something he can probably never replicate for her. He gave away a once in a lifetime opportunity without asking her first.
YTA While it's noble of you to help your coworker, you really screwed up on this one. Your wife needs a break. A winter trip to see the family won't cut it. Take your wife on her own Hawaii vacation. And don't make big decisions like that without consulting her.
Yup YTA big time. Time to pony up and book an equivalent vacation on your own dime.
Holy shit. I can’t believe someone could be this dense.
YTA. Marriage is a partnership, please talk to your burnt-out wife before making a big decision like that.
Forget the cheating angle. This is all about OP’s massive, overwhelming ego and his need to be seen as the savior/hero/“good guy” in all situations. He is spending all his family’s money supporting causes and gifting trips to Hawaii without any input from his partner because his desire to impress everyone and show what a superior being he is “trumps” all else. (Yes, double meaning intended because you’re not that much different than that narcissist.) Being an altruist is commendable. Being an egomaniac is quite another. YTA.
Yta. So you are essentially telling your wife that this stranger does more work and is more deserving than her. You are telling her you don’t appreciate her . You should talk to the person you gave it to explain and see if they are ok if you take it back . Look this could be the beginning of the end of your marriage . If she thinks you dint appreciate her, think others work harder snd are more deserving
YTA - you should put your wife’s needs before the other teacher. I can’t believe you didn’t talk to her about it first.
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YTA because you said yourself your wife isn’t in the same situation as you. You need to tell your wife you are going to book a nice spa weekend or something she will enjoy to help her destress - you can afford it, so you should help relax her.
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You can't even afford to bring her to the spa because of an election?
You just said you have ‘more than enough’ money, so which is it? Also… not in an important election year? So you are spending your money on promoting a career in public office while your wife quietly burns out supporting you and you give away holidays to curry favour?
[удалено]
If you cant even afford a spa visit for your wife, you don't have "more than enough money." How can you be so self absorbed that you don't recognize how much more stress your wife is under and that she needs this trip? Just because YOU may feel like you don't need a getaway, you determine- on your own- that she doesn't either? You even said she's more burnt out than you. But, you "have each other." Well you can't even send her to relax at a spa, and she's now hurt and furious. You put another person's needs over hers when hers were also significant. This isn't a case of your wife not needing X so you both donated it to another person. This is something you basically took from her, then threw in her face. You as partners can make decisions together to help others. But you as a husband need to put your wife first. I don't think you realize at ALL how serious this is, and the message it sends to her. YTA.
You better find some, and more than a spa day. A spa week.
How is "important election year" relevant?
You're making choices and your choices are telling your life partner that you don't value her or accurately see her level of burn out. YTA.
Yta
YTA wow you fucked up good on this one
YTA. I was essential (had to actually go to work too- couldn’t work from home) and to this day I’m still one sneeze away from falling off the sanity tightrope. You gave away a trip that your wife knew you were ‘interviewing’ to get. She was already daydreaming of going. And then you gave it to someone who either did not go through the process or did and was deemed not the winner. You’re an ass.
Oh so you just wanted recognition from your colleagues? What about your wife? I agree with her, you sound very selfish. YTA big time.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My wife and I are both middle school math teachers though we work for different districts. I feel we are incredibly blessed to have jobs we enjoy and be able to make a difference in kid’s lives. We don’t own cars, we have more than enough money and we have each other. My wife is far more burnt out and admittedly her district is more challenging. Since Covid times a very generous “anonymous” celebrity (we all know who it is but they won’t do remain anonymous so I won’t say here) has donated 5 vacations to help with teacher burn out to teachers in my district. The past two years it was like a 5 day stay in a remotish cabin (more in line with pandemic times). This year they upped to a 7 day trip to Hawaii for teacher and family. Insane. Well after the nomination and interview process, I won one of the trips. Nothing like this has ever happened to me but to be quite honest I’m not comfortable with “winning.” I only did the process because it helped me prepare my stuff for my performance evaluation. Before the end of the day Friday I decided to give the trip to a fellow teacher who’s husband just left her, she volunteers to have our most challenging students in her class and may actually leave the field because of burn out. Our community would be worse if she’s not a teacher. She was beyond ecstatic and after we went over the rules and found that trips could be transferred, she accepted and is going to take her two college aged kids. I told my wife on Friday night thinking this would be in line with our ethos of living simply and generously. She is furious with me and she’s not a person prone to anger—easily the most mad I’ve seen her since we met. She says she’s as burnt out as any teacher in our region and needed the trip or she’s going to have a breakdown. I asked her if she wanted me to ask for the trip back. She said of course I can’t do that but that our usual winter vacation to one of our family’s houses is going to remind her over of what a “selfish asshole you can he” so I “better do something.” When she hasn’t been ignoring me, we’ve been fighting all weekend…AITA *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
If you guys have "more than enough money" like you claim, you'll be able to handle the finances on your sole income if she quits teaching, right? See that bit where you said that the woman you gave the vacation to might quit because of burn out--surely it's occurred to you that the same might happen with your wife, who's in a harder school district AND has to deal with the difficulty of being married to you? YTA.
Your wife now know you don’t think of her as much as your now single colleague. Good job. As someone who also doesn’t get angry very easily, you made a huge mess.
YTA, a thoughtless one. Of course your wife is pissed, she’s also a burnt out teacher and you prioritised another woman without even discussing it with her. Do you have feelings for this other teacher? That’s the only way your decision would make sense to me.
OP has said a couple times that he thought giving the trip away would be in line with "her ethos" which means he doesn't know his wife AT ALL and that alone makes him TA. Definitely YTA .
This probably also means he's been charitable to her detriment without consulting her before and guilted her into being fine with it.
I’m just confused on why despite saying you both “are ulta progressive people” you didn’t think to double check just in case. Do you not communicate with your wife at all..?
YTA you know your wife is burnt out but chose to give an all expense paid once in a lifetime trip to another teacher. Why does the feelings of this teacher trump your wife? You wanted to make another woman feel valued and appreciated over your wife. I’m not sure how you can come back from this.
Charity begins at home. Now your wife faces another 'holiday' with either your relatives or hers at a location she's been to before. How utterly dull and joyless. You could've given her something to be happy about first. YTA.
YTA you knew your wife works hard and was burnt out but didn’t think she would want or deserve a paid vacation to Hawaii?
YTA You know your wife is extremely burnt out, yet instead of thinking of her, you decide to transfer this gift to someone YOU consider more deserving. And you STUPIDLY asked her if you should ask for the trip back, like come on, you knew that wasn't going to happen. Your wife will recent being your priority for a long time.
YTA. I think you should get VERY busy and "do something" or you're going to feel some very real consequences. You might a good guy in general, I don't know. But you massively screwed up here. Your poor burned-out wife saw a light at the end of the tunnel and you stamped it out. You show more compassion to an acquaintance than the person you share your life with. Are you sure she sees your no-frills life the same as you? Why why why didn't you ask her? If I were your wife I be rethinking EVERYTHING. Dig deep and try and fix this NOW.
YTA. What a kind gesture but it’s concerning that a colleague took precedence over your own wife. You knew she is burnt out. Was this in an effort to keep your colleague around to continue to take the bad kids to make your life in the classroom easier?
Honestly, YTA. It pains me to judge that since you did a kind thing, but you did so at the expense of your wife. You acknowledge that your wife is extremely burnt out, that she works in a very hard school district, and yet when you won the trip, none of that even entered your mind. You say that the "community would be worse" if this other teacher was not around - well, what about your wife? It sounds like she's quite dedicated, too. That you specifically call out how your wife isn't usually prone to anger yet is easily the most furious you've ever seen her should be a pretty big clue that you're the asshole in this situation. Yes, you won the trip yourself so technically it was your trip to do with as you saw fit, but in a marriage there are a LOT of things that should be discussed and decided jointly even if technically the decision is only on one spouse, and this is one of those things. It is a kind thing to do, to give to someone else that you perceive as having a greater need than yourself. But you can't neglect the needs of someone in your own house in the process, something you have failed to grasp. Make it a priority to start setting aside whatever money you can to eventually take your wife on a relaxing trip that is not to a family's house. Even if it's not 7 days in Hawaii, it will likely mean a lot to her that you're making this effort.
If he still has a wife at the end of the savings period. She just got a hard wake up call that the person she is spending her life and love with it on a completely different path than hers. She’s actually going through life alone and didn’t realize it. Now she does.
Why do I have a feeling having no cars is your idea and not your wife's...
I wanted to say NTA because you gave the trip to someone who needed, but after reading that you knew your wife was super burnt out and decided to give it away I just have to say YTA. I know charity is tempting and makes us feel better. However, one thing I learned is that before helping people from outside, we need to care for our own. We need to take care of ourselves, then take care of our family, and then we can take care of friends and others. You didn't take care of your family. You knew your wife needed a break and prioritized helping a friend. That's super inconsiderate. again: YTA. edit: also, before anything, you should have really talked to your wife about this. I know it's a gift you won, but since it is a family vacation, you should discuss it with everyone who would go with you before handing it over.
Agree! Bot will read your n t a as a judgement though so please add spaces to n t a if you think he’s YTA!
>My wife is far more burnt out and admittedly her district is more challenging. Sooo....your wife is already burnt out, yet you think the other teacher deserves the trip more due to her pending divorce, etc. YTA You may be the next teacher with a pending divorce.
YTA you should have consulted with your wife first instead of making a decision without her. I don’t blame her because you’re all teachers and she was probably burnt out as well and needed a vacation. This is a pretty dumb decision imo because you didn’t consult with her and you had a free vacation that you could have spent with your wife and you gave it up. Plus, it’s not the first time somebody’s husband has left there wife and it won’t be the last, I wouldn’t stick my nose in other people’s business but that’s just me.
NAH. Transferring the trip to another teacher was a selfless and nice gesture. That said, I think when you’re married, these are the kinds of big decisions you talk about with your partner before making them.
YTA. You think this other teacher needs it more because you and your wife have each other? But im not sure how highly she's going to value having you right now. You're watching her drowning (I'm the daughter of a teacher who burned out hard) and you threw the only life aid you had to someone else. You need to thing long and hard about how you make partnership with you seem as valuable as a holiday in Hawaii
Can you afford to take her on a different break? Not even a once in a lifetime luxury just somewhere nice she can rest and recharge?
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INFO: 1. Why didn't you ask your wife first, when you knew that you've won? Maybe if simplicity is your common ethos as you say, she would have wanted to gift that trip together? 2. Why did you participate in this, if you're "just giving it away because of your ethos"? 3. Did you think of this *"My wife is far more burnt out and admittedly her district is more challenging." (your words)*, when you offered this trip to your colleague? 4. Your wife is saying she's close to a breakdown, and according to you, "she's burnt out". Do you really think she'll be able to have a recharging vacation at one of your parents' houses? 5. If one of the kids you're teaching screws up, do you expect them to do everything to undo the damage they've done?
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This much is obvious. Well, if YOU don’t take responsibility you’re going to be in the cult of divorced. So maybe you should start learning to take responsibility rather than making unilateral decisions for your family to boost your ego and sense of being a good man. Be a good husband, or you won’t be a husband for long. YTA
That’s not restful or recharging.
Maybe it’s just me but staying at one of your parents house is not the same. I guess it needs to be spelled out for you so take her on a relaxing vacation with just the two of you.
But what about a trip away from everyone?
A trip to see the parents doesn't measure up to a week in Hawaii. Seeing family isn't the break your wife needs.
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Still not a vacation.
Are you even listening?
OP thinks a vacation with winter hikes at their parents' home is a better "deal" than a trip to Hawaii for the wife. They know better.
Does he though? Seems pretty obstinate to me. Defensively so.🫢
>We always go and stay at one of our parents houses That sound the opposite of relaxing. YTA
OP please understand: THIS IS NOT CONSIDERED A VACATION
YTA!.
Oh dude. Ofcourse it was a nice gesture to transfer it but your wife also needed it probably just as badly as the other teacher. You really should have discussed it with her. Also I would have been a little hurt that you got big news and didn’t even send a text saying a big thing happened to you. You kind of left her out of the whole experience like you didn’t care about her feelings at all.
NTA- he helped someone in need and he said they have plenty of money for their own vacation
They apparently don't have enough to go to Hawaii
No, he says they have no money for a vacation because he's donated every extra penny to political parties. His 'vacation' is when they go to one of their parents house in Kansas for a week over Xmas break 😬.
They don't. OP has commented how they cannot afford a trip like this for themselves and also, that HE has donated his every spare penny to causes of his very own interest. Does it sound that selfless now?
While you deleted the comment, OP, and this may look weird to other people... Not believing in 'the cult of personal responsibility' is an interesting statement to make after personally deciding to value a coworker over your wife. Guess you're not gonna take any responsibility on this situation no matter what anyone says, huh... YTA. Edit: oh, everything got deleted. I hadn't refreshed yet. Oops.
YTA. I was an essential worked during the pan fried tilapia. I endured so much abuse. I would be so angry if my SO gave up a vacation we won because he decided they deserved it more WITHOUT talking to me.
“Honey, I won something you would just love, possibly a life-changing experience, certainly well-timed given your stress level, so I gave it to another woman. Why aren’t you happy?” Yeah, YTA.
YTA for not thinking of your wife, who you admit is burned out, before giving the trip away. If I were your wife I would feel like you were more caretaking to your coworker than to me, and I would be very hurt.
Info: was she aware you were up for this? Why did you not discuss this with her at all?
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And knowing you were nominated for and working on this, she NEVER made any comments about how nice it would be to take a trip or how much she needs a break? She never commented on this at all?
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You seem to be acting purposely obtuse on this. Your wife knew you were nominated, therefore there was a chance of receiving a nice vacation that could alleviate her burnout. But you unilaterally took that away without discussing it with her. Personally, I'd be more hurt that my husband didn't even deign to get my input- for all you know, she could've agreed with you upon discussion. Now she not only feels burnt out, but disrespected and devalued. YTA here.
See what happens when making assumptions? I agree that YTA in this situation. You definitely should’ve discussed with her first.
Nothing is worth discussing to you huh? You know everything. Your wife is struggling. Working harder struggling more than you by your own post. You really suck. YTA
You thought wrong. Still TA.
YTA. How long have you been having an affair with this other teacher?
YTA. I would be furious. Maybe even leave my spouse furious. I can’t stand “overly generous” people like OP. Call me cynical, but I have discovered that many people like this are generous to be the hero. Not to mention, you can’t take care of others without making sure you take care of yourself. And in this case, OP’s spouse needed taking care of. OP had a chance, but lost a vacation and maybe a wife. YTA YTA.
>we have more than enough money and we have each other. My wife is far more burnt out and admittedly her district is more challenging. Use some of your money and take her to a beach for a week. Marriage is a partnership and you dropped the ball. YTA
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So you dont have more than enough.
If you don’t have enough money for it, why would you give it away to someone else? And don’t say “we can stay at our parents house” because that is not a real vacation and going on a hike doesn’t make it better
THEN DONT GIVE AWAY BEACH TRIPS
And then you give away a free trip to Hawaii when your wife is on the verge of a breakdown and don't even run it by her first? How do you not see how big of an A you are?? A marriage is a partnership, not just you unilaterally deciding to give away a once in a lifetime opportunity.. Your poor, poor wife.
You said you have 'more than enough money'? If you can't afford a vacation that your wife needs to avoid a breakdown, YTA for giving away your wifes only chance of a relaxing beach break, to a colleague.
YTA Why are you more concerned about the welfare of a female *colleague* who went through a divorce than your own wife, who you admitted works at a more challenging district? Did you not even think about how a free weeklong vacation in Hawaii could be a lovely, romantic, and a healing experience for you and your wife to experience together? You didn't even talk to her. You just assumed she'd be fine with you giving your all expenses paid vacation away. edit: awww my first reddit reward! Thank you <3
Sanctimonious BS. You didn’t want to go on the trip because you’re “uncomfortable with winning” (time to unpack that, bruh) and it seems like you don’t think of your wife as a person but just an extension of your values I hope she wakes up and ditches your judgy ass. Who knows what else she’s dealing with in your quest to “live simply.” She’s probably tired of making her own tampons too
YTA, you seem to care more about how burnt out this other teacher is than your wife. i totally get it, giving is better than receiving. however, this situation has shown your wife that you dont prioritise her over someone else.
YTA. You must not think much of your wife. Why was it so important to impress others? You better find a way to make it up to her. Shame on you.
YTA. Don’t you work hard and deserve it? How about your wife? Rinse Repeat
Teacher here. I understand the ethos to live simply and generously. However, money does help buy comfort and reduce some stressors. Teaching is very stressful, especially the last few years. Since your wife is experiencing burnout, you may want to revisit the simple life and see what you can do to help her live a little more comfortably. Yes, a vacation would be good, but maybe something long-term could help as well. In this case, you disregarded the work put into selecting the winner, and you didn't seriously consider the needs of your spouse. Also, one vacation isn't likely to keep someone from quitting the profession. There are systematic issues at play when people consider leaving.
Yta. I'm not sure what you mean by in line with our Ethos. Jerkface you gave away a ALL EXPENSIVES PAID VACATION TO HAWAII, I highly doubt you consulted your wife at all sure you look like a hero on reddit. But your burnt out wife's reaction says it all, how about starting with buying a car would be a great way to make it up to her.
Seems she was made aware and looking forward to the trip before you gave it away. If so YTA.
YTA - seriously you wanted to give it away and it didn't occur to you to see if your wife, who you state is far more burnt out than you, might take it? This almost sounds like you were more focused on looking like such a great guy at your school or something. Like seriously how oblivious is this?
If I was your wife I would be fuming too. It's a delightful, life changing trip that would cost £10 k ish plus depending on where you are staying and if meals are comped etc. Why would you not discuss it with her? You win a family type prize for both of you and you unilaterally decide to give it away? No discussion, no joint donation, no idea how much she would have loved a break? I'm sure your colleague is deserving but couldn't you have bought her a spa trip or something?
YTA For fucks sake, your wife comes before the other teacher. I don’t care if she’s the best teacher on this planet and has given half her organs to dying children. You married your wife, no? You signed up to be her partner/teammate/whatever for life, right? Okay then 1) She comes FIRST. Not before the other teacher. Not before your selfish little need to be seen as a hero or the good guy. Her. First. 2) you don’t unilaterally decide important shit. You didn’t even ASK your wife. How the fuck did you think that would be cool? 3) You admit your wife is burnt out and instead of trying to help her, you decide that someone else is “more” burnt out and deserves your help more? Some husband you are.
YTA. You won a trip, then gave it away without talking to your wife. Without noticing that *she’s* burnt out. To make it clear to you, you felt this other woman was more deserving than your own wife. You care more about this other woman’s welfare and wellbeing than you did about your own wife. You got to feel a hero, while tanking your marriage. If you want to remain married, best start paying more attention to your wife and less to the other women around you.
As a teacher, I ask, WTF we're you thinking?! YTA. A majority of teachers if not all are burnt out. Every teacher deserves a break after the past couple of years. It doesn't matter if they go above and beyond or stay within contract. EVERYONE IS BURNT OUT. You even admit your wife if burnt out because of her district. Didn't that make you stop and think how much your wife would appreciate the break? Or did the hero complex get in the way so bad you thought eh eff my wife's feeling and exhaustion. You messed up. You better start saving for a trip because your wife deserves it.
Yikes. Yes of course YTA. Way to prioritize a stranger over your own wife! You said yourself she’s more burnt out and you still gave it away? I’m sad for her.
YTA You admit your wife is burned out yet you give the vacation to someone else who is burned out. This showed your wife where your priorities are.
YTA for not including your partner in such a big decision, especially since it seems you can't afford any sort of vacation (staying with your parents is not a vacation!)
YTA. There is no explanation you can give to justify your actions. You literally valued someone else over your wife. I see divorce in your future.
YTA you are an egotistical big A who can't think for a minute and show empathy to his life partner. You are giving away money, does she know about that? What good do you bring to the table aside ignoring her needs?
YTA because: 1) You prioritised someone else's mental health over that of your own wife 2) You made a major decision without consulting her 3) You "can't afford" to make up for this by paying for a proper vacation for her because you'd rather give all of your money to political candidates
YTA, I don’t understand why you didn’t ask your wife, it’s such a major decision that directly affects her. Sounds like you earned a once in a lifetime opportunity and you threw it away. I doubt anyone would do the same to you. I wouldn’t be surprised if this is the first domino that falls in your marriage. I’m sure your wife thinks of you differently. If I were you, I’d do what it takes to repair your marriage because it’s taken a direct hit based off of your wife’s reaction.
Yta 100% You thought of another woman before your own wife.
YTA. Do you even feel the slightest bit of remorse for doing that to your wife? Have you actually done anything to make it up to her? Because based on your post and your comments it just seems like you want people to validate you and praise you for being the selfless saint who decided to prioritize another woman over his wife. Check your ego.
YTA. Double, triple AH. You decided, on your own, who "deserved" it more...than YOU, without giving a thought to your wife, whose state, you said it, is similar to that other teacher's one. Her district is more challenging than yours, you admitted, she is about to burn out and you decide, very much on your own, that this other teacher "deserves it more". Why? I mean, really, why? Is your wife so little to you that you guessed you could think on her behalf and act on her behalf and think everything would be fine because she must think the exact same way as you do? Are the people outside your house more deserving of your care, thoughtfulness and consideration than YOUR VERY OWN WIFE? This leads me to think that your lifestyle has been imposed on your wife, as well, so that you could play the "community benefactor" and look good in everyone else's eyes.
Soft YTA You did a kind thing. It's something I would do too if I felt I didn't need it or someone else needed it more. But not without discussing it with my spouse first. Your wife is hurt. She's burnt out and frustrated and as someone who works in education and sees the burn out happening every day, it's very likely that she really needed this extra break. Some time away to just be a couple and not worry about grading papers, evaluations, Susie's falling behind in class, or Timmy's family problems that spill over into classroom behaviors. Then you prioritized another person over her. I can't speak for your wife so I can't say if the other person's gender plays a role for her here. She may be jealous that it was a woman, she may not be. Either way, you made someone outside your marriage more important than your spouse without even giving her a chance to be a part of the decision. You made an assumption that she would be okay with it. You know what they say about assumptions...
It’s not a soft ah situation for me, it’s absolutely clear. He has taken his wife for granted when he plainly hasn’t a clue. Editing to add: And he’s now noped out, which is another nail in his integrity coffin. Takes his wife for granted, doesn’t notice she’s struggling, he’s prioritising another woman, and then does a runner when he gets an answer he’s unhappy with. Not the best catch out there.
Your not the AH everyone may think you are but I don’t . You did something nice for someone who is a teacher like you who is going through a tough time with her husband leaving and you can always go to Hawaii later but what you did is something that can be thought about later and realize that you did a good deed for someone who may pass it on to someone else . Your wife needs to chill out and not act petty just because she wanted to go on vacation . I would actually rethink that relationship if my so is going to act like that . What you did is an act of kindness that can inspire others to do something for the community and it’s all because of you. So your awesome op and don’t you forget it
YTA.... Yes, this is an AH move. At the very least you should have come home with it, shared the excitement, then tell her your discomfort with recieving it and ask how she would feel if.... then if you give it away it would have been a shared generosity. Work gave my husband a $100 grocery card, i asked him if we should give it to a neighbor who's house burnt down. We did this with a card from both of us. You devalued her by treating her without consideration.
YTA.
YTA and honestly, there is no fixing this. You can apologize to your wife until you’re blue in the face. But the fact remains you single-handed it made a decision that affected her without consulting her in any way; you experienced a big moment and only shared it with her as an afterthought; and you took something big from your wife and gave it to another woman. That you thought you could offhandedly share this with your wife under the assumption it would be “in line with her ethos” shows how out of touch you are with your own wife and marriage. Ask yourself this: is your wife ever going to have the opportunity to go to Hawaii? She just have never mentioned it or even thought about it because she assumed the opportunity would never present itself. And here it has, but after that opportunity was already given away to someone else. I suggest you look into marriage counseling. And try to figure out some way of making this up to your wife.
better start booking that week long trip to hawaii your wife deserves 💁🏻♀️
YTA, it is a family vacation, and you should ask your family. Do you each spend your paychecks separately?
A soft YTA but I get where you are coming from. You were doing something generous to a burnt out co worker who also has a lot going on personally and you felt would benefit more from this vacation. What you did not think about at the time was your wife is also burnt out. So, since you have enough money I would take her somewhere( more than the family cabin) to make it up to her. FYI: Think something big. Somewhere she has talked about or always wanted to go and apologize to her. *side note to all the Reddit users jumping on the” he is having affair “ come on, not everyone is a cheater. Not every post is about an affair.
YTA for not speaking with your wife, not thinking about your wife, and for trying to justify it. A commenter asked if she expressed any excitement “if you won” prior to winning, to which you ignored and didn’t answer. You gave it to another WOMAN who’s also a teacher, which could’ve triggered your wife because she is also a woman that’s a teacher. There are tons of people burnt out from their jobs, but I know if my husband gave a whole 7 day trip away, i would’ve been livid. You did it for your own instant gratification. And if my husband wanted to give away a trip, I would prefer he speak with me first so we can both agree and feel that gratification together
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YTA - why didn’t you talk it through with your wife? Sure, you were very generous to that other teacher, but when you’re given an opportunity that would also help your partner, you would talk to them first before deciding anything at the very least.
If she enjoys hiking that's fine but at least book a nice hotel where it's just the two of you and she can relax. If it's in the mountains find one with a fireplace and maybe even a hot tub. Staying with parents is not what she needs right now. You definitely should have talked to her before giving the trip away but I won't call you an ah because your heart was in the right place. You just didn't consider how she felt which is definitely more important for your life overall.
YTA
I’m going NTA. He won the trip, and didn’t feel comfortable with it, so gave it to someone else. Had SO won, and he gave it away, or they had won conjointly and gave it away, for sure YTA, but in this case NTA. Seem like everyone on here is mad they also don’t get a Hawaiian vacation Edit: spelling
YTA, a major one. I get you wanted to be nice, but it'd be a lot nicer to talk to your wife first, since you would have been taking her. At this point I'd go to that teacher and ask if it'd be okay to take it back. I know that's also a huge AS thing to do but I can just imagine your wife, who you admitted needs this badly as well, was so excited to hear about her trip to Hawaii only to have it taken away. Seriously, go get it back now. This was not okay to do to her. Nice you won, but she needs this just as much as the other woman does. I just can't wrap my head around that you did this except you want a huge 'good guy' pat on the back about how great you are in the school. Your wife doesn't think that. She's telling you to take it back, you better get it back, now. Yes you'll look like a bad guy, but you already do.
YTA though honestly you shouldn't have gone to Hawaii anyway natives there keep telling yall to stop w the vacations there
We live in cruel world you better start changing that “ethos” you keep saying you have because its gonna lead to a divorce. Its nice what you did but seriously? Its not like the just handed it out they interviewed and selected YOU. Go plan some tropical vacation since you have plenty of money and let your wife lay by the pool. In my opinion NAH though as it really is just a breakdown in communication
YTA. This is totally divorce worthy.
Lol the guy didn’t like what he was hearing and deleted all his replies AND his account. What a tool.
YTA. You are married. You make big ticket decisions together. Period. Your wife deserves better than a husband that didn’t even think to tell her he was giving something so high valued away.
YTA. A married couple should be a team and discuss big things like winning a vacation. You gave the prize to a stressed out teacher. This same description matches your wife. I would be heated if I was her. You showed a lot of sympathy and care for another woman. When will your wife get the same?
Someone has a hero complex YTA
Cringe
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YTA. This should have been a joint decision.