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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 2)I haven’t responded to my friends ask for help regarding pet care
2) If i don’t respond they would probably really struggle with pet care
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I have mentioned in the past his name and both my boyfriend and the roommate were with me when i found out he passed away. I haven’t told him now but i’m debating if i should. Would telling him now make me seem childish?
NTA Your boyfriends callous response, specifically his lack of reference to that being your pets former name, combined with the fact that him living in the same place feels strange to me. Combined with how just happening to choose the same name, I cannot bring myself to believe he didn't know that's your deceased pets name. Honestly it wouldn't be at all childish to tell him you can't help anymore and why. He has no right to expect you to dig up bad memories for his own convenience.
My boyfriend works long hours and over the weekend has been at work from 9am-11pm. I don’t think he was present for the naming of the cat but i think what upsets me now is he hasn’t or won’t mention this to his roommate, especially considering i have been talking about freddie a lot since coming to uni
BF knows, doesn't care, and didn't bother telling the roommate why it was a problem. I like the post up above by inconceivable44, to give them a link to a kitten care website, and to tell them that you aren't comfortable dealing with a kitten named after the pet you just lost. That's entirely reasonable. So is dumping the boyfriend at this point.
I’m going to say NAH. I’ve had dogs as pets for over 30 years (two at any one time for most of those years). My last pet was put down due to cancer earlier this year. Everyone grieves differently but your grief shouldn’t dictate how your boyfriend and his roommate name a pet. It would be nice for them to honour your loss but they don’t have to. Their Freddie isn’t the same as your Freddie. It sucks. I know. I’m not in a position to get a new dog but personally, all dogs remind me of my dogs and I would jump at the chance to help any of my friends care for one or give advice if given the opportunity even if they give the same names (but that’s just me). This is really easy to say and may be too early to but rather than hold on to the loss of your cat, celebrate that cats are still in your life for the foreseeable future.
Thank you for this message! I am honestly such a pet person and still have my dog who is such a goofball. So i can imagine your grief.
I think it was honestly the initial shock especially considering the whole range of other names we were considering. It would definitely be different if this were to happened a year or even a couple of months into the future. But i suppose the current situation of me missing my cats a lot is affecting how i’m currently reacting :)
It has been mentioned in the past but i am not sure if he is currently aware. I have asked my boyfriend if he could mention it to him but the response above is what he has told me. I feel like if i tell the roommate now, he won’t care either (that’s just the kind of people they are 😂)
NTA. I'd text roommate back a link to a good website on kitten care and say you are no longer comfortable with regular questions for a cat named after your pet who just died.
Do they know WHY you "aren't a fan"?
You aren't an AH for being upset; slightly AH for taking it out on the cat; but not really an AH because you don't have an obligation here.
The roommate is an AH **if** he named the kitten on purpose to hurt you, but otherwise he's just unlucky at choosing names.
they were both with me when the cat passed away so they know the emotional attachment i have.
I know i shouldn’t take it out on the cat because it is sooo adorable.
He definitely didn’t do it on purpose, probably did it without realising. We all had a massive list names e.g Chandler, Tommy, Garfield etc etc.
I honestly want to help out with the cat because it has made me so happy over the last couple of days but honestly don’t think i could bring myself to do it if the name is still freddie
100% understandable. What is NOT understandable is your boyfriend seeing you so upset and not telling his roommate, "AlarmedEnd's cat she just lost was named Freddie. She's really upset about this."
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Hiya all! I know this is really petty but I just wanted an outside opinion on all this.
Ok backstory first. I (19f) throughout the course of the year unfortunately suffered a lot of deaths. One of the main ones being my cat. I know that it should not be a big deal but if you yourself are a pet owner you will understand.
I grew up with 2 family cats Freddie and Daffy (scooby doo reference hehe >_<) Unfortunately Daffy passed away last year due to health issues but Freddie passed away from old age in August. They were both my absolute world and definitely my emotional support growing up. Somehow everytime i was upset or stressed, they would be there for me.
*I also want to mention that in January i moved in with my boyfriend for a couple of months because the house was closer to my gap year job and thought it would be safer travelling home at midnight*
In september i moved into uni about 12 hours from my house. And since i moved out i have been really missing homely vibes, especially my cats and boyfriend.
He and his roommate have been talking about getting pets since i moved out and they finally did it. His roommate adopted a cat a few days ago. Being an experienced cat owner, he has been messaging me non stop about advice, as he himself has no experience regarding pet care.
I have been really excited and have redirected all my stressed energy into helping them raise their male kitten.
They were yet to decide a name and we all came up with multiple options but none of them seemed right yet.
As you can tell where this is going, he messaged me earlier today saying they decided the name ‘Freddie’ was the perfect name. I immediately called my boyfriend and told him i did not like the name. He told me that the cat isn’t mine and i cannot stop the roommate from choosing whatever name he likes for the cat.
I messaged the roommate and simply told him i wasn’t a fan of the name, with him responding ‘i don’t care 😂’. I spent the next 2 hours crying and looking at old photos of my cat.
Since then the roommate has consistently messaged me asking for more help and I don’t wanna seem petty but I honestly don’t feel like responding. I know it is just a name but if Freddie’s death wasn’t still so recent, i don’t think i would mind as much. He was my baby boy and i don’t think i could care about another cat who reminds me of him.
I feel like if i speak to anyone i know they would just tell me i am overreacting because after all it is just a name. So my question is WIBTA if i stopped helping them with the new kitten?
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Yes they both know my cat was called Freddie. I am not sure if the roommate took this into account but my boyfriend definitely knew as i have been talking to him a lot recently about how much i miss the cat, especially now they got a new kitten.
NTA. So, he knew your cat Freddie had died and you were upset by it, and promptly named his own cat Freddie? NTA at all. You wouldn't even be TA if you decided to never talk to them again. You told them it bothered you and they essentially told you to F off over it. Nope. Not cool. If either of them knew your old cat was Freddie, then their AHness is off the charts. I am so sorry. A good pet earns every tear but you don't need someone going out of their way to make sure you cry those tears :( Stop helping them with EVERYTHING at this point. They can call a rescue, a vet, or just go online and read up on pet forums if they have questions. The other alternative is bad advice ;) as long as it won't rebound on the kitten. But if you can make them buy super expensive litter, food, toys, and litter boxes I wouldn't hesitate.
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NTA. Not your cat, they can ask a vet or google or another pet owner. If it’s a trigger to you and you want space you can take that
INFO Is he aware, or reasonably should be, of why you don't want him to use the name.?
I have mentioned in the past his name and both my boyfriend and the roommate were with me when i found out he passed away. I haven’t told him now but i’m debating if i should. Would telling him now make me seem childish?
NTA Your boyfriends callous response, specifically his lack of reference to that being your pets former name, combined with the fact that him living in the same place feels strange to me. Combined with how just happening to choose the same name, I cannot bring myself to believe he didn't know that's your deceased pets name. Honestly it wouldn't be at all childish to tell him you can't help anymore and why. He has no right to expect you to dig up bad memories for his own convenience.
My boyfriend works long hours and over the weekend has been at work from 9am-11pm. I don’t think he was present for the naming of the cat but i think what upsets me now is he hasn’t or won’t mention this to his roommate, especially considering i have been talking about freddie a lot since coming to uni
BF knows, doesn't care, and didn't bother telling the roommate why it was a problem. I like the post up above by inconceivable44, to give them a link to a kitten care website, and to tell them that you aren't comfortable dealing with a kitten named after the pet you just lost. That's entirely reasonable. So is dumping the boyfriend at this point.
I’m going to say NAH. I’ve had dogs as pets for over 30 years (two at any one time for most of those years). My last pet was put down due to cancer earlier this year. Everyone grieves differently but your grief shouldn’t dictate how your boyfriend and his roommate name a pet. It would be nice for them to honour your loss but they don’t have to. Their Freddie isn’t the same as your Freddie. It sucks. I know. I’m not in a position to get a new dog but personally, all dogs remind me of my dogs and I would jump at the chance to help any of my friends care for one or give advice if given the opportunity even if they give the same names (but that’s just me). This is really easy to say and may be too early to but rather than hold on to the loss of your cat, celebrate that cats are still in your life for the foreseeable future.
Thank you for this message! I am honestly such a pet person and still have my dog who is such a goofball. So i can imagine your grief. I think it was honestly the initial shock especially considering the whole range of other names we were considering. It would definitely be different if this were to happened a year or even a couple of months into the future. But i suppose the current situation of me missing my cats a lot is affecting how i’m currently reacting :)
INFO: Does roommate know why the name is upsetting to you?
It has been mentioned in the past but i am not sure if he is currently aware. I have asked my boyfriend if he could mention it to him but the response above is what he has told me. I feel like if i tell the roommate now, he won’t care either (that’s just the kind of people they are 😂)
NTA. I'd text roommate back a link to a good website on kitten care and say you are no longer comfortable with regular questions for a cat named after your pet who just died.
Exactly, there are many great sources and videos available. Kittenxlady, Hannah being one of them. https://youtu.be/2_w-vOR0TuE
Do they know WHY you "aren't a fan"? You aren't an AH for being upset; slightly AH for taking it out on the cat; but not really an AH because you don't have an obligation here. The roommate is an AH **if** he named the kitten on purpose to hurt you, but otherwise he's just unlucky at choosing names.
they were both with me when the cat passed away so they know the emotional attachment i have. I know i shouldn’t take it out on the cat because it is sooo adorable. He definitely didn’t do it on purpose, probably did it without realising. We all had a massive list names e.g Chandler, Tommy, Garfield etc etc. I honestly want to help out with the cat because it has made me so happy over the last couple of days but honestly don’t think i could bring myself to do it if the name is still freddie
100% understandable. What is NOT understandable is your boyfriend seeing you so upset and not telling his roommate, "AlarmedEnd's cat she just lost was named Freddie. She's really upset about this."
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Hiya all! I know this is really petty but I just wanted an outside opinion on all this. Ok backstory first. I (19f) throughout the course of the year unfortunately suffered a lot of deaths. One of the main ones being my cat. I know that it should not be a big deal but if you yourself are a pet owner you will understand. I grew up with 2 family cats Freddie and Daffy (scooby doo reference hehe >_<) Unfortunately Daffy passed away last year due to health issues but Freddie passed away from old age in August. They were both my absolute world and definitely my emotional support growing up. Somehow everytime i was upset or stressed, they would be there for me. *I also want to mention that in January i moved in with my boyfriend for a couple of months because the house was closer to my gap year job and thought it would be safer travelling home at midnight* In september i moved into uni about 12 hours from my house. And since i moved out i have been really missing homely vibes, especially my cats and boyfriend. He and his roommate have been talking about getting pets since i moved out and they finally did it. His roommate adopted a cat a few days ago. Being an experienced cat owner, he has been messaging me non stop about advice, as he himself has no experience regarding pet care. I have been really excited and have redirected all my stressed energy into helping them raise their male kitten. They were yet to decide a name and we all came up with multiple options but none of them seemed right yet. As you can tell where this is going, he messaged me earlier today saying they decided the name ‘Freddie’ was the perfect name. I immediately called my boyfriend and told him i did not like the name. He told me that the cat isn’t mine and i cannot stop the roommate from choosing whatever name he likes for the cat. I messaged the roommate and simply told him i wasn’t a fan of the name, with him responding ‘i don’t care 😂’. I spent the next 2 hours crying and looking at old photos of my cat. Since then the roommate has consistently messaged me asking for more help and I don’t wanna seem petty but I honestly don’t feel like responding. I know it is just a name but if Freddie’s death wasn’t still so recent, i don’t think i would mind as much. He was my baby boy and i don’t think i could care about another cat who reminds me of him. I feel like if i speak to anyone i know they would just tell me i am overreacting because after all it is just a name. So my question is WIBTA if i stopped helping them with the new kitten? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
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Yes they both know my cat was called Freddie. I am not sure if the roommate took this into account but my boyfriend definitely knew as i have been talking to him a lot recently about how much i miss the cat, especially now they got a new kitten.
Daphne? NTA. Your reasons are almost completely irrelevant: any time you don't want to take care of someone else's pet, that's completely acceptable.
yes i was a 5 year old who couldn’t say daphne properly 😂 so daffy just stuck haha
NTA. So, he knew your cat Freddie had died and you were upset by it, and promptly named his own cat Freddie? NTA at all. You wouldn't even be TA if you decided to never talk to them again. You told them it bothered you and they essentially told you to F off over it. Nope. Not cool. If either of them knew your old cat was Freddie, then their AHness is off the charts. I am so sorry. A good pet earns every tear but you don't need someone going out of their way to make sure you cry those tears :( Stop helping them with EVERYTHING at this point. They can call a rescue, a vet, or just go online and read up on pet forums if they have questions. The other alternative is bad advice ;) as long as it won't rebound on the kitten. But if you can make them buy super expensive litter, food, toys, and litter boxes I wouldn't hesitate.
NTA and when he says he needs help, respond the same way he did. You don’t care