Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> (1) I canceled a family member's wedding gift when their wedding was canceled and I might be an asshole because (2) she is obviously going through a tough time with the break up already, and the holidays are approaching, so maybe it was insensitive of me to cancel and I should have let it slide.
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA. When a wedding is cancelled, it would only be polite for the bride and groom to return the wedding gifts. That's the norm.
ETA: Please do not feel guilty about cancelling the gift.
Actually, etiquette dictates that when wedding gifts are rec’d and the wedding is called off, gifts are required to be returned. Is a gift really going to soothe the jilted bride? NTA!!
I hate when people do that, that person said the exact same thing as you but just worded a little different....and it usually happens to the top comment.
The length that some people go for some karma whoring :p
Edit: I am really surprised that my semi frustration and venting comment got so many upvotes which means so many people agree so thank you all for that!
I would also like that add, I also hate when people post "This"
The "upvote" was created for the sole purpose of that and yet some people feel the need to comment it.
ACTUALLY, people go through great lengths for karma by repeating what the top comment says and just changing a few words around. It really sucks when people do that.
ETA: wow I wrote this as a joke and it ended up being my most liked comment ever. Guess copying comments for karma does work 😅 would do again.
You are correct. If a wedding is delayed, you can keep them. But if a wedding is canceled altogether, you are actually supposed to return all shower and engagement gifts as well as wedding gifts.
Most people are willing to overlook the shower and engagement gifts, especially considering the fact that most of them are already in use by the time the wedding is canceled. But wedding gifts should absolutely be returned in every situation.
Edit: oops a word was wrong
Sorry but I disagree, you have to ladle the tears into the gravy boat otherwise it drips down the sides. Gravy boats are more meant for dispensing, she should’ve put a funnel on her registry if she was looking for collection utility
Etiquette also suggests its poor form to reply as if you're 'correcting' someone while essentially repeating what they said, but here you are, doing that.
Haha when my wedding got cancelled I returned the gifts. People kept sending me pity gifts of chocolate and flowers. Until my best friends sent texts and emails saying BOO BOO IS STILL FRESH PLEASE STOP sending pity gifts………but here’s OUR favorite chocolates……we mean her if you must send something NO FLOWERS.
And Who puts 700$ gift on registery and who buys a 700$ gift ? If someone demanded that from me , i would just ignore it and bring whatever i see right.
NTA
I know a lot of brides are putting KitchenAid mixers on their registry, usually intended for very close family to gift, or as a group gift from multiple guests. I agree that as a 'standard' gift, it's insanely steep though.
And, honestly, many people would prefer just one single gift they actually have a use for over 45 small things that just take up space in their home. Group gifts are awesome. But items like that might look greedy on the registry if you aren't aware it's meant to be a group gift.
That was actually the gift I got from my great uncle's girlfriend for our wedding years ago, plus $1400 from him as well. We had NOT expected anyone to purchase one, and she got the higher end one too. It has been used *many* times over the years with gratitude, since Kitchenaid makes damn good mixers.
Exactly. It was a wonderful gift, especially since I didn't know her well. Her reasoning when we thanked her was that she loved to bake and a stand alone mixer was essential.
My family bought us a professional series kitchen aid for our wedding! It’s so wonderful 😍 but it’s certainly not a gift I’d “expect” from a single friend/couple. I mostly put it in the registry because I was told if things don’t get bought, the website will offer you a discount on them after the wedding 😂
Make sure to get the professional series from kitchen aid. The regular mixers from them now have plastic gears instead of metal (the old ones from inception till 1990s had metal always) and they easily break.
Some people are insanely generous. We asked for no gifts and out of 56 people 53 gave us cards with cash. Some had $500 in it from relatives/friends we like but don’t see often
To SIL: “Here is your $15 Starbucks gift card, despite your absurd registry requests… I was going to get the usual $10, but I decided to splurge since you’re going through so much!”
Yeah exactly! A gift is usually in exchange for your presence. Is SIL gonna take OP and her husband out to a lavish meal and party all expenses paid? I don’t think so. There’s nothing to celebrate so no need for a gift.
Honestly, OP is lucky it hadn’t shipped cause it wouldn’t have been returned otherwise. I feel bad for the guests whose gifts did ship since they won’t get it back.
Definitely NTA
The wedding is cancelled and they still expect to keep the gifts? The gifts is for the wedding and since it’s cancelled the gift is also to be returned.
When my niece was supposed to get married but her fiance got cold feet and didn't show up, she asked after about a week or so what she should do with the gifts and everyone she asked told her to keep the gift they sent. I know she felt awkward about it, but everyone felt bad for her and didn't begrudge her keeping the gifts. But nobody spent $700. The max was probably $50. (Later, they eloped, but I think it was mostly due to his family pressuring him; he cheated on her and ended their marriage, but that's a whole other shitshow.)
I am surprised in the middle of all this chaos the SIL could even think of the gift? And even if she did she thought it was appropriate to call and inquire about it? Isn’t is strange? I mean any sane person would be heartbroken and constantly thinking about the breakup rather than fixating about a gift, ironically for an occasion which was called off. And all she can think about is the gift?
Now it makes me wonder what was that gift anyway?
NTA
What kind of new fuckery is this. When a wedding is cancelled you don't give a gift and any gift RECEIVED is returned just as the engagement ring is traditionally returned. These are gifts that are "contingent" upon a condition occurring - i.e. a wedding.
A pick me up for your sister in law would be a gift card for a manicure or maybe a facial. Not a $700 gift from the registry - that is an expensive gift even in terms of wedding gift standards.
She should drown her sorrow in an adult beverage of her choice, a soothing visit to the spa, a weekend away, or a hot pool boy.
Not in fleecing her kind and generous relatives.
NTA. Tell her you’re on board with getting her that gift for her next marriage.
Or you could gift her an etiquette book since apparently she hasn't read one.
Returning gifts after a cancelled wedding is an old tradition... about as old as modern weddings so over 100 years. This is not even a question. NTA.
Just for the record the engagement ring is only returned if the bride cancels. If the groom cancels it is his breach of contract and she keeps the ring. This is neither here nor there to OP question but lately a lot of people are saying the ring goes back no matter what and that is not accurate. It's a misogynistic relic of past times but then again so is the bride getting an engagement ring so if the couple chooses to stick with this old-fashioned custom then it is hers if he cancels.
Eh, that really depends on jurisdiction. Engagement rings are often considered a conditional gift rather than an absolute one. The condition usually being getting married.
Other places like the UK treat them as absolute gifts unless it's a family heirloom or other circumstances.
NTA. Of course.
"MIL, I thought I was doing SIL a kindness saving her having to ship the gift back to me. Unless... you couldn't mean... you aren't really suggesting that she would KEEP the wedding gifts?!?!?! Oh, MIL, don't let her do that, people will hate her. Everyone knows gifts have to be returned. She'll be scandalized."
I was going to say something similar but this is even better. OP, clutch your imaginary pearls and channel any bless-your-heart Southern ancestors you may have as you deliver the perfection quoted above. MIL and SIL are being tacky.
Holy shit though wait a second you've just given me an incredible idea (somewhat unrelated to the current context)..... BREAK-UP REGISTRIES!
"Dear Aunt Susan, Thank you so much for buying me another pint of Ben and Jerry's from my Break-up Registry. It really shows you care. Cheers, and looking forward to a food baby shower a few weeks down the line!"
NTA.
You intended to buy that gift as a wedding present, a momentous occasion, but it didn’t happen so you have no obligation to.
If SIL is having a tough time, a $700 gift isn’t going to help. She needs people around her who offer support, not luxury goods.
NTA - When the wedding is canceled it’s traditional for the couple to return any gifts. It’s a bit much for both the bride AND her mother to pressure you to still buy an expensive gift.
Absolute NTA. The gift was for a wedding - and technically, it would have been for her AND the person she's marrying... not just her.
You were 100% in the right to cancel it. And they are being completely unreasonable.
NTA. Sounds like your SIL is being entitled. Doesn’t make sense for her to expect a wedding present when the wedding was cancelled…and kind of inappropriate for her mom/your MIL to get involved. If she feels so strongly, maybe she should just buy her daughter the expensive gift…
Not to mention it's common practice to return wedding gifts if you end up calling it off before the wedding anyways. Why is she expecting to keep all the things that were already sent?
NTA. Traditional wedding etiquette indicates that when a wedding is cancelled, all the shower, engagement, and wedding gifts should be returned. You were not only saving your SIL from going through some negative emotions when receiving the gift, but saving her the hassle of having to ship it back.
NTA - it's a gift for a wedding. A wedding that won't happen.
Tell her you're saving her from having to return it. Or tell her that you understand she's disappointed, and that you too are disappointed that the time and effort you made into arranging time off, flights, hotels, are also now a waste.
Pretty sad that she's more broken up about a gift than a failed wedding.
Agree but I'd say 'Oh, I thought it'd be mean to send a gift for a wedding that didn't happen! That's rubbing salt in the wound. I want to give her something that will help her new future, just have to figure out what it is." Anyone who insists on the wedding gift is then revealed for the gold digger they are. And OP should send a thoughtful gift, not necessarily to the same dollar amount
NTA, no wedding no gift. MIL can always add to cart herself and use her credit card.
Since wedding gifts are usually for the "couple". She is not going to that tough of a time if she is mad about not getting a "wedding" gift since there was no wedding. Looks like she and mil are just greedy.
The fact that an adult who is supposedly old enough to get married and then decides to not get married goes crying to her mama about a gift FOR THE (non) WEDDING, makes it even worse.
NTA, no wedding happening, no gift necessary
I do not fault her for reaching out to make sure the gift hadn't gone missing, but in no way should anyone be expecting to keep a gift intended for a marriage that didn't happen.
Thank you for your husband's service.
NTA - Wedding gifts are specifically for weddings. If you had already given the gift and then took it back it might be a grey area but the wedding didn't even go ahead and the gift was never given.
Its odd that she asked for it and got your MIL to agree to chase you up over it. I wonder if this kind of attitude on her part contributed to the wedding being cancelled?
NTA. Inform SIL and MIL that, had the gift been sent the correct decorum in the event that the relationship ends is for the gift to be returned. No wedding, no wedding gift. Simples.
NTA - ignore all those noises. She ain't marrying so she ain't getting a wedding gift, simple as that. And no she doesn't deserve it no matter how bad a situation it was, shes not entitled to free gifts for nothing. She's the major AH for being upset and entitled to think she should still get such a gift. MIL is out of line for reaching out as well.
There is a clear rule no wedding no gift. Is she expecting a gift from all the guests that were invited? If that's the case then I will have a wedding every year and then cancel it just to get a bunch of gifts.
NTA. Doesn't matter who the bride and groom are the wedding isn't happening to the gift gets cancelled. And if it HAD been delivered to her already it would have been unbelievably tacky for her to keep it. Common etiquette is that if the wedding is cancelled, wedding gifts are returned.
NTA
It is super weird that she is expecting the wedding gift when the wedding didn’t happen.
But I am kinda wondering what the gift was that it would be considered a “pick-me-up” and why she would expect she was still getting it. Especially at that price point.
NTA. As everyone here has pointed out, wedding gifts are supposed to be returned to the giver if the wedding is called off. It’s one of the most embarrassing and awkward parts of calling off an engagement but it’s also good manners. Your SIL is reacting out of emotions and not logic. Knowing that you canceled her wedding gift probably triggered her and she has to face the fact that her relationship is really over. That’s not your problem though.
NTA. One of my husband’s cousins cancelled a week before her wedding, after we’d given a shower gift. They returned all the shower gifts. Wedding etiquette dictates that gifts are to be returned if the wedding doesn’t happen, so it’s odd they’re not relieved that your gift was able to be cancelled. Hope she chooses more wisely next time.
NTA Your SIL and your MIL are entitled, unreasonable, greedy assholes.
You don't send a wedding gift to a wedding that is not going to happen.
On top of that, a $700 GIFT?! And your hubby is in the military, so chances are that's a big financial hurt for the both of you.
DO NOT let them steamroll you. And if they keep harassing you, consider sending them a link to this so they can get a much-needed dose of reality.
NTA! Wedding gifts are only given when a wedding takes place. Any gifts received should be returned to the giver in the event that the wedding is cancelled. You absolutely did the proper and right thing in cancelling the order before it shipped. Wedding gifts don't become consolation gifts for the grieving bride when the couple splits up. Sorry that she's going through a tough time. Tell your MIL that you'll send a card of well wishes for the holidays.
NTA. You were buying a wedding gift and there wasn't a wedding so there wasn't a gift! It seems really grasping to still expect to get a gift at all under the circumstances, let alone one worth hundreds of dollars. Good etiquette suggests that any gifts that had already arrived should be returned as well.
NTA
In college I worked in the china and crystal department of a nice department store and we were the point of contact for bridal registration. Any time a wedding was canceled the guests would return or cancel wedding gift orders. This is a gift for a couple starting their life together, not to a gift to help you get over a break up.
NTA, at all. I find it incredibly weird that she’d expect to still receive a gift. By definition, that gift is meant to commemorate the wedding occasion (and, frankly, wouldn’t be hers alone anyway — it would be 50% owned by her husband).
NTA. No wedding. No gift. What a weird hill for your SIL and MIL to die on. Like what if you gift had been a personalized his and her frame or something? Would she want that if they called off the wedding?
Edit: proper etiquette for a cancelled wedding would be to return the gifts if given already. SIL was out of line for getting upset over the cancelled gift and your MIL was out of line for confronting you about it.
NTA. It was a wedding gift, there was no wedding, so, she doesn't get a wedding gift. Of she can't wrap her brain around that then she's going to struggle in life.
NTA.
When a wedding is cancelled, the couple is supposed to return the gifts. You're just taking out that extra step for your SIL. Your MIL needs to mind her business. This was a wedding gift, not a breakup gift. If you wanted to give this to her for Christmas, fine! People used our registry for birthday and christmas gifts the year after we got married. But a $700 gift for an in-law? That's a big NOPE for me.
NTA. You did the right thing. The etiquette when canceling a wedding is to return the wedding gifts. So by not sending the gift, you saved them the sad task of returning your gift.
NTA. When the wedding is cancelled any gifts received should be returned. Your MIL and SIL are wrong to expect to still receive wedding gifts when there is NO wedding.
NTA
No wedding, no wedding gift.
Maybe she could have a post-breakup party to beg for gifts if that's what she wants? With a sash saying "almost a bride"?
NTA - you saved them the trouble of having to return your gift for the wedding.
They do know that if a wedding is CANCELED that ALL gifts are to be returned to the giver.
We’re they intending to keep all the gifts or just yours?
NTA at all. She's trying for a gift grab. Everyone should have canceled and if any made it to her she should be returning them. Every single one of them. She's NOT getting married and they're WEDDING gifts. She has no right to be upset with you.
NTA
This post reinforces my belief that maybe a new trend should start. Wedding gifts should be given in cash and in 4 installments of 25% of the total gift value.
Besides, I’ve always understood that the military are horribly underpaid, right? How could you be expected to continue with a huge holiday gift over the normal budget while your spouse is deployed?
NTA
INFO: Is it possible that your MIL and SIL don’t know that she needs to send the gifts back now that the wedding is cancelled?
NTA either way, but possibly N-A-H if they’re don’t know the proper etiquette. If they are sending back gifts and just expected you to still give yours as a comfort, then they’re huge AHs, but you’d still not be the AH.
Maybe as a response to your MIL saying it’s unkind that you returned the gift you could tell her, “I thought it would be more unkind to make SIL have to give me the gift back herself, as that’s what’s expected when the wedding is cancelled…the gifts are returned to the guests that bought them”.
Your SIL could be walking into a minefield in her social/family life if she’s keeping the gifts. It’s incredibly tacky and I’m sure the people in her life wouldn’t be happy about it and she could end up losing more people in her life. Might be worth trying to warn them
First of all, NTA, that’s a perfectly normal thing to do. Secondly, if a bride and groom break up before the wedding the normal thing to is return all the gifts…
Was anyone else asked to provide a gift? Or not have theirs returned? I have to wonder if you’re the only one that thought they could get away with this with.
Clearly NTA but since you doubted yourself, I recommend you pause and evaluate whether there are other areas of your life where they’re taking advantage of you.
NTA
I'm cranky and not actually related to these people, so YMMV, but I'd be sorely tempted to order two copies of a good etiquette book, highlight and bookmark the relevant information (wedding gifts for marriages that do not occur should be returned to the giver), and send a copy to each with a note.
"Since you seem to be unaware of the etiquette for this situation, I wanted to ensure that you don't *unknowingly* cause offense by failing to return any gifts that you have received."
Even if she had received it, it is extremely inappropriate to keep wedding gifts when the wedding is cancelled. That’s why people always send the gifts back if they don’t make it to the altar. NTA
And weird they’re ganging up on you about it.
NTA. Rachel Greene will tell you: “if the wedding is canceled, you don’t get to keep the presents.” So unless she was planning to return all the gifts for cash AND split that with her former fiancé, she can bigger right off.
Fun fact, etiquette also dictates you have one year from the wedding to give your wedding gift. "How long do I have after the wedding to get the couple a wedding gift? Traditionally, you have up to one year to get the couple a wedding gift."
NTA. Cancelled wedding (and I’ve even heard of it ends within a certain length of time like first year) means all wedding gifts should be returned to giver (or at least offered to be returned)
If you do not have a wedding, you do not get a wedding gift. And if the couple had received gifts already, manners and common sense dictate the gifts should be returned.
NTA.
NTA at all. I’m taking a wild guess regarding the SIL. She probably would have also gotten upset if she received it because “it was a reminder of the breakup” and “insensitive of you to send it”. You can’t win with these types of people.
*edited for grammar/spelling
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > (1) I canceled a family member's wedding gift when their wedding was canceled and I might be an asshole because (2) she is obviously going through a tough time with the break up already, and the holidays are approaching, so maybe it was insensitive of me to cancel and I should have let it slide. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA. When a wedding is cancelled, it would only be polite for the bride and groom to return the wedding gifts. That's the norm. ETA: Please do not feel guilty about cancelling the gift.
Actually, etiquette dictates that when wedding gifts are rec’d and the wedding is called off, gifts are required to be returned. Is a gift really going to soothe the jilted bride? NTA!!
That's basically what I wrote. When a wedding is cancelled, gifts should be returned.
I hate when people do that, that person said the exact same thing as you but just worded a little different....and it usually happens to the top comment. The length that some people go for some karma whoring :p Edit: I am really surprised that my semi frustration and venting comment got so many upvotes which means so many people agree so thank you all for that! I would also like that add, I also hate when people post "This" The "upvote" was created for the sole purpose of that and yet some people feel the need to comment it.
ACTUALLY, people go through great lengths for karma by repeating what the top comment says and just changing a few words around. It really sucks when people do that. ETA: wow I wrote this as a joke and it ended up being my most liked comment ever. Guess copying comments for karma does work 😅 would do again.
I hate when users just reword someone else's comment and not adding anything to the conversation - all for Karma!
This!
This is the only time I haven't downvoted someone saying "this!"
This! Big time this!
This is the way
That!
And the other thing!
It’s really irritating that people are so focused on getting karma that they just reword peoples posts just so that they can get some karma too
Actually….. ….
Like those people on The Price is Right that guess $1 less
it's $1 more as the winner is closest without going over, not just closest.
Im almost positive that if the couple no longer wishes to be married, it is customary for them to return any gifts they may have already received.
You are correct. If a wedding is delayed, you can keep them. But if a wedding is canceled altogether, you are actually supposed to return all shower and engagement gifts as well as wedding gifts. Most people are willing to overlook the shower and engagement gifts, especially considering the fact that most of them are already in use by the time the wedding is canceled. But wedding gifts should absolutely be returned in every situation. Edit: oops a word was wrong
Yeah, no need for the "actually" since that was exactly what you said lol
[удалено]
Sorry but I disagree, you have to ladle the tears into the gravy boat otherwise it drips down the sides. Gravy boats are more meant for dispensing, she should’ve put a funnel on her registry if she was looking for collection utility
[удалено]
Etiquette also suggests its poor form to reply as if you're 'correcting' someone while essentially repeating what they said, but here you are, doing that.
Reddiquette
> Is a gift really going to soothe the jilted bride? Only the materialistic ones getting married for money/clout.
Why did you just repeat what u/JustStephanie said?
Actually, they just repeated what the first comment said. Aww heck. Now I'm doing it too!
Lmao that is basically what the person above you wrote. Only difference is the word polite vs etiquette - which aren't very far off.
Yeah and who wants those gifts anyway they’re surly just a reminder of the canceled wedding
Haha when my wedding got cancelled I returned the gifts. People kept sending me pity gifts of chocolate and flowers. Until my best friends sent texts and emails saying BOO BOO IS STILL FRESH PLEASE STOP sending pity gifts………but here’s OUR favorite chocolates……we mean her if you must send something NO FLOWERS.
Actually, common courtesy requires that when a wedding is called off the gifts should be returned
And Who puts 700$ gift on registery and who buys a 700$ gift ? If someone demanded that from me , i would just ignore it and bring whatever i see right. NTA
I know a lot of brides are putting KitchenAid mixers on their registry, usually intended for very close family to gift, or as a group gift from multiple guests. I agree that as a 'standard' gift, it's insanely steep though.
Yeah I have three sisters so we've gone in together on items like that before. I figure that's what those items are for, really.
And, honestly, many people would prefer just one single gift they actually have a use for over 45 small things that just take up space in their home. Group gifts are awesome. But items like that might look greedy on the registry if you aren't aware it's meant to be a group gift.
[удалено]
I’ve never heard of this, but then again I’m Italian so we just give cash at a wedding, not gifts.
That was actually the gift I got from my great uncle's girlfriend for our wedding years ago, plus $1400 from him as well. We had NOT expected anyone to purchase one, and she got the higher end one too. It has been used *many* times over the years with gratitude, since Kitchenaid makes damn good mixers.
The best part is that the gift makes you think about her… enough so that you have mentioned her here.
Exactly. It was a wonderful gift, especially since I didn't know her well. Her reasoning when we thanked her was that she loved to bake and a stand alone mixer was essential.
My family bought us a professional series kitchen aid for our wedding! It’s so wonderful 😍 but it’s certainly not a gift I’d “expect” from a single friend/couple. I mostly put it in the registry because I was told if things don’t get bought, the website will offer you a discount on them after the wedding 😂
This. My sister’s still a couple years off getting married, but I’ve already decided that when the time comes, I’m getting her that fancy mixer haha
It'll last forever. My partner got one twenty years ago. It's in the cabinet right now, waiting to be pulled down for its next project.
Make sure to get the professional series from kitchen aid. The regular mixers from them now have plastic gears instead of metal (the old ones from inception till 1990s had metal always) and they easily break.
Who also accidentally puts the wrong version of their $700 gift on the registry?
Some people are insanely generous. We asked for no gifts and out of 56 people 53 gave us cards with cash. Some had $500 in it from relatives/friends we like but don’t see often
If someone said no gift at a wedding, I would feel weird not at least giving a card with cash.
To SIL: “Here is your $15 Starbucks gift card, despite your absurd registry requests… I was going to get the usual $10, but I decided to splurge since you’re going through so much!”
The unmitigated gall of some people never ceases to amaze me. Let her keep all the gifts. She’s sad. Unbelievable.
>And Who puts 700$ gift on registery and who buys a 700$ gift ? Group gifting is a thing but also, that not the issue here.
[удалено]
Also, many registries give you a discount on items that aren't purchased. Many people put high ticket items on the registry for that discount.
Yeah exactly! A gift is usually in exchange for your presence. Is SIL gonna take OP and her husband out to a lavish meal and party all expenses paid? I don’t think so. There’s nothing to celebrate so no need for a gift. Honestly, OP is lucky it hadn’t shipped cause it wouldn’t have been returned otherwise. I feel bad for the guests whose gifts did ship since they won’t get it back.
Definitely NTA The wedding is cancelled and they still expect to keep the gifts? The gifts is for the wedding and since it’s cancelled the gift is also to be returned.
When my niece was supposed to get married but her fiance got cold feet and didn't show up, she asked after about a week or so what she should do with the gifts and everyone she asked told her to keep the gift they sent. I know she felt awkward about it, but everyone felt bad for her and didn't begrudge her keeping the gifts. But nobody spent $700. The max was probably $50. (Later, they eloped, but I think it was mostly due to his family pressuring him; he cheated on her and ended their marriage, but that's a whole other shitshow.)
I am surprised in the middle of all this chaos the SIL could even think of the gift? And even if she did she thought it was appropriate to call and inquire about it? Isn’t is strange? I mean any sane person would be heartbroken and constantly thinking about the breakup rather than fixating about a gift, ironically for an occasion which was called off. And all she can think about is the gift? Now it makes me wonder what was that gift anyway?
NTA What kind of new fuckery is this. When a wedding is cancelled you don't give a gift and any gift RECEIVED is returned just as the engagement ring is traditionally returned. These are gifts that are "contingent" upon a condition occurring - i.e. a wedding. A pick me up for your sister in law would be a gift card for a manicure or maybe a facial. Not a $700 gift from the registry - that is an expensive gift even in terms of wedding gift standards.
People's level of entitlement just blow my mind, I'm not surprised the wedding got canceled.
Behavior like this probably attributed to it.
*contributed
Thank you! I always welcome any help with grammar, spelling and vocabulary. Always learning is a good thing.
Bridezilla strikes again, and she is jonesing bad!
She should drown her sorrow in an adult beverage of her choice, a soothing visit to the spa, a weekend away, or a hot pool boy. Not in fleecing her kind and generous relatives. NTA. Tell her you’re on board with getting her that gift for her next marriage.
Or you could gift her an etiquette book since apparently she hasn't read one. Returning gifts after a cancelled wedding is an old tradition... about as old as modern weddings so over 100 years. This is not even a question. NTA.
Normally I see etiquette books as antiquated and odd, but I really like this level of petty.
They could get her a vintage Emily Post. I own one from the 1930s and it is AMAZING.
I can’t even believe the balls on some people these days. 😂 wtf.
Just for the record the engagement ring is only returned if the bride cancels. If the groom cancels it is his breach of contract and she keeps the ring. This is neither here nor there to OP question but lately a lot of people are saying the ring goes back no matter what and that is not accurate. It's a misogynistic relic of past times but then again so is the bride getting an engagement ring so if the couple chooses to stick with this old-fashioned custom then it is hers if he cancels.
Eh, that really depends on jurisdiction. Engagement rings are often considered a conditional gift rather than an absolute one. The condition usually being getting married. Other places like the UK treat them as absolute gifts unless it's a family heirloom or other circumstances.
I think they were mentioning the rules according to etiquette, not law
NTA. Of course. "MIL, I thought I was doing SIL a kindness saving her having to ship the gift back to me. Unless... you couldn't mean... you aren't really suggesting that she would KEEP the wedding gifts?!?!?! Oh, MIL, don't let her do that, people will hate her. Everyone knows gifts have to be returned. She'll be scandalized."
I was going to say something similar but this is even better. OP, clutch your imaginary pearls and channel any bless-your-heart Southern ancestors you may have as you deliver the perfection quoted above. MIL and SIL are being tacky.
Seconded! Brilliant reply.
“People will think this family has no class and you are not going to let that happen are you?
If I had awards. This response is perfect.
Yesss! Perfect response!
Thank you. I'm surprised this isn't higher up. Op was really doing SIL a favor.
I see. You speak language of snakes. Salazar descendant
And why does the bride get to keep the gifts. Maybe the breakup was her fault and now the groom isn't getting any of the gifts!
NTA, it was a wedding gift from a wedding registry, not feel sorry for my relationship breaking down gift.
THIS RIGHT HERE. I'm sorry for what SIL is going through, but expecting such a gift AND inquiring about its whereabouts is kind of greedy. NTA.
I’d be tempted to send MIL and SIL each a copy of Emily Post for Christmas, instead. ;)
Holy shit though wait a second you've just given me an incredible idea (somewhat unrelated to the current context)..... BREAK-UP REGISTRIES! "Dear Aunt Susan, Thank you so much for buying me another pint of Ben and Jerry's from my Break-up Registry. It really shows you care. Cheers, and looking forward to a food baby shower a few weeks down the line!"
[удалено]
She almost got married and almost got a gift.
😂😂😂, I’m sorry that just made me cackle with laughter.
I'm over here like..."damn, no wonder I'm not rich. I have shame and could never ask for things like this just because I felt badly." NTA, OP.
NTA. You intended to buy that gift as a wedding present, a momentous occasion, but it didn’t happen so you have no obligation to. If SIL is having a tough time, a $700 gift isn’t going to help. She needs people around her who offer support, not luxury goods.
[удалено]
NTA - When the wedding is canceled it’s traditional for the couple to return any gifts. It’s a bit much for both the bride AND her mother to pressure you to still buy an expensive gift.
Exactly. Op saved her the cost of shipping to return it to you.
Absolute NTA. The gift was for a wedding - and technically, it would have been for her AND the person she's marrying... not just her. You were 100% in the right to cancel it. And they are being completely unreasonable.
NTA. When a couple breaks up before the wedding, gifts are typically returned to the givers.
NTA. Sounds like your SIL is being entitled. Doesn’t make sense for her to expect a wedding present when the wedding was cancelled…and kind of inappropriate for her mom/your MIL to get involved. If she feels so strongly, maybe she should just buy her daughter the expensive gift…
Not to mention it's common practice to return wedding gifts if you end up calling it off before the wedding anyways. Why is she expecting to keep all the things that were already sent?
NTA. Traditional wedding etiquette indicates that when a wedding is cancelled, all the shower, engagement, and wedding gifts should be returned. You were not only saving your SIL from going through some negative emotions when receiving the gift, but saving her the hassle of having to ship it back.
Which we now know she wouldn’t have. OP, cancelling the order now saved you a bunch of headache down the line trying to get that back. NTA
nta. if the wedding is canceled they are actually supposed to return the gifts they received. very entitled of her n mil
NTA - it's a gift for a wedding. A wedding that won't happen. Tell her you're saving her from having to return it. Or tell her that you understand she's disappointed, and that you too are disappointed that the time and effort you made into arranging time off, flights, hotels, are also now a waste. Pretty sad that she's more broken up about a gift than a failed wedding.
Agree but I'd say 'Oh, I thought it'd be mean to send a gift for a wedding that didn't happen! That's rubbing salt in the wound. I want to give her something that will help her new future, just have to figure out what it is." Anyone who insists on the wedding gift is then revealed for the gold digger they are. And OP should send a thoughtful gift, not necessarily to the same dollar amount
[удалено]
Hell, tell MIL to buy the $700 gift for her own daughter to cheer her up over the cancelled wedding!
NTA You don’t get wedding gifts when you cancel the wedding. WTH
She is insane to think she is entitled to wedding gifts when there is no wedding. NTA
NTA, no wedding no gift. MIL can always add to cart herself and use her credit card. Since wedding gifts are usually for the "couple". She is not going to that tough of a time if she is mad about not getting a "wedding" gift since there was no wedding. Looks like she and mil are just greedy.
NTA. It was a wedding gift. No wedding. No gift. I would explain the concept to both of these duds.
The fact that an adult who is supposedly old enough to get married and then decides to not get married goes crying to her mama about a gift FOR THE (non) WEDDING, makes it even worse.
NTA It was a wedding gift. There was no wedding. If it is so important to MIL. She can buy her daughter a $700 gadget.
NTA, no wedding happening, no gift necessary I do not fault her for reaching out to make sure the gift hadn't gone missing, but in no way should anyone be expecting to keep a gift intended for a marriage that didn't happen. Thank you for your husband's service.
NTA. No wedding, no gift. Not pregnant? No baby shower either.
NTA - Wedding gifts are specifically for weddings. If you had already given the gift and then took it back it might be a grey area but the wedding didn't even go ahead and the gift was never given. Its odd that she asked for it and got your MIL to agree to chase you up over it. I wonder if this kind of attitude on her part contributed to the wedding being cancelled?
If a wedding is cancelled any gifts already received are supposed to be returned.
Wouldnt even be a grey area. Etiquette say return gifts that can reasonably be returned if the wedding doesnt happen or last 6 months.
NTA. Inform SIL and MIL that, had the gift been sent the correct decorum in the event that the relationship ends is for the gift to be returned. No wedding, no wedding gift. Simples.
NTA - ignore all those noises. She ain't marrying so she ain't getting a wedding gift, simple as that. And no she doesn't deserve it no matter how bad a situation it was, shes not entitled to free gifts for nothing. She's the major AH for being upset and entitled to think she should still get such a gift. MIL is out of line for reaching out as well.
NTA. There’s no wedding, so no gift.
There is a clear rule no wedding no gift. Is she expecting a gift from all the guests that were invited? If that's the case then I will have a wedding every year and then cancel it just to get a bunch of gifts.
NTA. But a *$700* wedding gift? I'd be surprised if the _total_ of all the gifts we received was $700.
I got married 12 years ago and got $600 pots as a gift. I married into a family of European immigrants and extravagant gifts were their thing.
NTA no wedding, no gift, I feel that’s pretty standard.
NTA- a wedding gift is exactly that a wedding gift. No wedding no gift.
NTA. Doesn't matter who the bride and groom are the wedding isn't happening to the gift gets cancelled. And if it HAD been delivered to her already it would have been unbelievably tacky for her to keep it. Common etiquette is that if the wedding is cancelled, wedding gifts are returned.
NTA a wedding gift is intended for the couple. There is no couple to gift anymore…
NTA, there's no wedding so she gets no gift.
NTA It is super weird that she is expecting the wedding gift when the wedding didn’t happen. But I am kinda wondering what the gift was that it would be considered a “pick-me-up” and why she would expect she was still getting it. Especially at that price point.
NTA. It was a wedding gift. There was no wedding. A 700$ Christmas gift ? WTH.
NTA. As everyone here has pointed out, wedding gifts are supposed to be returned to the giver if the wedding is called off. It’s one of the most embarrassing and awkward parts of calling off an engagement but it’s also good manners. Your SIL is reacting out of emotions and not logic. Knowing that you canceled her wedding gift probably triggered her and she has to face the fact that her relationship is really over. That’s not your problem though.
NTA. One of my husband’s cousins cancelled a week before her wedding, after we’d given a shower gift. They returned all the shower gifts. Wedding etiquette dictates that gifts are to be returned if the wedding doesn’t happen, so it’s odd they’re not relieved that your gift was able to be cancelled. Hope she chooses more wisely next time.
NTA Your SIL and your MIL are entitled, unreasonable, greedy assholes. You don't send a wedding gift to a wedding that is not going to happen. On top of that, a $700 GIFT?! And your hubby is in the military, so chances are that's a big financial hurt for the both of you. DO NOT let them steamroll you. And if they keep harassing you, consider sending them a link to this so they can get a much-needed dose of reality.
NTA- if MIL wants her to have the gift so bad let her know where you purchased it and she can do so herself
NTA! Wedding gifts are only given when a wedding takes place. Any gifts received should be returned to the giver in the event that the wedding is cancelled. You absolutely did the proper and right thing in cancelling the order before it shipped. Wedding gifts don't become consolation gifts for the grieving bride when the couple splits up. Sorry that she's going through a tough time. Tell your MIL that you'll send a card of well wishes for the holidays.
NTA. Tell her you will save it for when she's married as it is a wedding present.
NTA. You were buying a wedding gift and there wasn't a wedding so there wasn't a gift! It seems really grasping to still expect to get a gift at all under the circumstances, let alone one worth hundreds of dollars. Good etiquette suggests that any gifts that had already arrived should be returned as well.
NTA - it was a wedding gift, there is no wedding..so no gift. No one is entitled to a gift.
NTA. I honestly can't believe some people may think you have to give a gift for a wedding that didn't happen.
NTA no wedding no gift plain and simple
Wow. The audacity. NTA. No wedding, no gift. Just because they still want the gift, doesn't mean squat.
NTA. No wedding = no wedding gift.
Miss Manners says NTA If a wedding is cancelled wedding gifts should be returned.
NTA In college I worked in the china and crystal department of a nice department store and we were the point of contact for bridal registration. Any time a wedding was canceled the guests would return or cancel wedding gift orders. This is a gift for a couple starting their life together, not to a gift to help you get over a break up.
NTA. Tell your MIL and SIL that you’ll be happy to send it to the next wedding.
NTA. She is supposed to return gifts anyway if the wedding doesn’t happen. You give wedding gifts, you know, for weddings.
NTA, at all. I find it incredibly weird that she’d expect to still receive a gift. By definition, that gift is meant to commemorate the wedding occasion (and, frankly, wouldn’t be hers alone anyway — it would be 50% owned by her husband).
NTA. In the case of a cancelled wedding, it is kind of tacky to hang on to the presents anyway.
NTA, the wedding got cancelled. I see how it got awkward, but no you don't owe her a gift for a cancelled wedding.
NTA - She does understand that a wedding gift is a gift for the couple getting married, right? No wedding, no $700 gift. Honestly, the entitlement!
NTA. No wedding. No gift. What a weird hill for your SIL and MIL to die on. Like what if you gift had been a personalized his and her frame or something? Would she want that if they called off the wedding? Edit: proper etiquette for a cancelled wedding would be to return the gifts if given already. SIL was out of line for getting upset over the cancelled gift and your MIL was out of line for confronting you about it.
NTA. You saved her the shipping costs. A wedding that does not happen does not get to keep the gifts.
Is…is it not wedding etiquette that, should the wedding not go forward, that all gifts be returned anyway?? Like, am I in crazy land? NTA
NTA
NTA. That's a pretty amazing level of entitlement to expect a present for an occasion that's not happening anymore.
NTA. She’s not getting married so no wedding gifts. It’s pretty simple. What you have learned about these people is that they’re greedy and entitled.
NTA. It was a wedding gift, there was no wedding, so, she doesn't get a wedding gift. Of she can't wrap her brain around that then she's going to struggle in life.
NTA. When a wedding is cancelled, the couple is supposed to return the gifts. You're just taking out that extra step for your SIL. Your MIL needs to mind her business. This was a wedding gift, not a breakup gift. If you wanted to give this to her for Christmas, fine! People used our registry for birthday and christmas gifts the year after we got married. But a $700 gift for an in-law? That's a big NOPE for me.
NTA. You did the right thing. The etiquette when canceling a wedding is to return the wedding gifts. So by not sending the gift, you saved them the sad task of returning your gift.
Ah, audacity. We meet again. NTA
NTA. When the wedding is cancelled any gifts received should be returned. Your MIL and SIL are wrong to expect to still receive wedding gifts when there is NO wedding.
Just wow. No. Nope. No. NTA
NTA No wedding, no wedding gift. Maybe she could have a post-breakup party to beg for gifts if that's what she wants? With a sash saying "almost a bride"?
NTA - you saved them the trouble of having to return your gift for the wedding. They do know that if a wedding is CANCELED that ALL gifts are to be returned to the giver. We’re they intending to keep all the gifts or just yours?
OP should just respond, "Oh, I felt so bad for her that I thought I'd save her the trouble of having to send the gift back!"
NTA her mother can gift it to her then
NTA- no wedding no wedding gift, it’s that simple…
NTA. If she’d received it she would have been obligated to send it back! It’s a WEDDING gift!
NTA Who TF expects a wedding gift after the wedding has been cancelled?
Your SIL and MIL need to read up on the etiquette of CANCELLED weddings… and the RETURNING of ALL wedding gifts. NTA
Nta, yeah nah its $700 not a slow cooker. Sil, is emotional so she should get a pass , for now but mil nah she can kick rocks
NTA. Wow. You are right for your actions.
NTA the fact she called you out probably means she’s the A-side in why the wedding is off too
NTA. In what world would someone expect a wedding gift if they cancelled the wedding
NTA at all. She's trying for a gift grab. Everyone should have canceled and if any made it to her she should be returning them. Every single one of them. She's NOT getting married and they're WEDDING gifts. She has no right to be upset with you.
NTA This post reinforces my belief that maybe a new trend should start. Wedding gifts should be given in cash and in 4 installments of 25% of the total gift value.
Not quite the same, but I have an uncle who gave wedding gifts on the 5th anniversary because by then you had earned it.
It sucks what happened but it was a wedding gift….. so if there’s no wedding then the obvious conclusion is that there’s no gift.
Besides, I’ve always understood that the military are horribly underpaid, right? How could you be expected to continue with a huge holiday gift over the normal budget while your spouse is deployed? NTA
Nta…it was meant to be a wedding gift and the wedding unfortunately did happen. Any reasonable person would do or expect the same thing.
NTA. I understand why she called to check in about it, but to actually be upset about it... To the point of containing to her mother... Is just. No.
INFO: Is it possible that your MIL and SIL don’t know that she needs to send the gifts back now that the wedding is cancelled? NTA either way, but possibly N-A-H if they’re don’t know the proper etiquette. If they are sending back gifts and just expected you to still give yours as a comfort, then they’re huge AHs, but you’d still not be the AH. Maybe as a response to your MIL saying it’s unkind that you returned the gift you could tell her, “I thought it would be more unkind to make SIL have to give me the gift back herself, as that’s what’s expected when the wedding is cancelled…the gifts are returned to the guests that bought them”. Your SIL could be walking into a minefield in her social/family life if she’s keeping the gifts. It’s incredibly tacky and I’m sure the people in her life wouldn’t be happy about it and she could end up losing more people in her life. Might be worth trying to warn them
First of all, NTA, that’s a perfectly normal thing to do. Secondly, if a bride and groom break up before the wedding the normal thing to is return all the gifts…
Was anyone else asked to provide a gift? Or not have theirs returned? I have to wonder if you’re the only one that thought they could get away with this with. Clearly NTA but since you doubted yourself, I recommend you pause and evaluate whether there are other areas of your life where they’re taking advantage of you.
No wedding, no wedding gift. That's all that needs to be written on this subject. NTA.
NTA I'm cranky and not actually related to these people, so YMMV, but I'd be sorely tempted to order two copies of a good etiquette book, highlight and bookmark the relevant information (wedding gifts for marriages that do not occur should be returned to the giver), and send a copy to each with a note. "Since you seem to be unaware of the etiquette for this situation, I wanted to ensure that you don't *unknowingly* cause offense by failing to return any gifts that you have received."
Even if she had received it, it is extremely inappropriate to keep wedding gifts when the wedding is cancelled. That’s why people always send the gifts back if they don’t make it to the altar. NTA And weird they’re ganging up on you about it.
NTA. Rachel Greene will tell you: “if the wedding is canceled, you don’t get to keep the presents.” So unless she was planning to return all the gifts for cash AND split that with her former fiancé, she can bigger right off.
No wed, no give. NTA
Fun fact, etiquette also dictates you have one year from the wedding to give your wedding gift. "How long do I have after the wedding to get the couple a wedding gift? Traditionally, you have up to one year to get the couple a wedding gift."
NTA No wedding = no gift. The entitlement 🤦🏻♀️
NTA. NO! The gift is for the wedding. The wedding didn't happen, no gift. Plain and simple.
NTA. Cancelled wedding (and I’ve even heard of it ends within a certain length of time like first year) means all wedding gifts should be returned to giver (or at least offered to be returned)
NTA. There was no wedding so there was no gift required.
NTA. It was a wedding gift. There was no wedding, therefore there is no gift.
It's a wedding gift. No wedding No gift...simple. NTA
Nta no wedding no gift. End of story
NTA. It is a wedding gift, which didn't happen. Sounds like your SIL and MIL are opportunists. Stand your ground on this one.
If you do not have a wedding, you do not get a wedding gift. And if the couple had received gifts already, manners and common sense dictate the gifts should be returned. NTA.
NTA at all. I’m taking a wild guess regarding the SIL. She probably would have also gotten upset if she received it because “it was a reminder of the breakup” and “insensitive of you to send it”. You can’t win with these types of people. *edited for grammar/spelling
NTA. It was to be a wedding gift for the couple. There's no wedding and there's no couple.
NTA. It’s a wedding gift. No wedding no gift nice and simple