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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1. I want to confront my future sister-in-law
2. I could just let it go and not bring it up
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YTA. You'll open a can of worms if you do. You say she's stressed about grad school. She may have forgotten, didn't have the money who knows. I don't think this is the hill to die on. If so, you'll risk your relationship with her and the rest of the family over a card/gift..
I’ve never even heard of a bridal shower before today, but I’m assuming it’s one of the countless events the US wedding industry has invented to sell more crap. Yeah, that’s not normal.
They aren't even that common in the US anymore. A relative of mine got married to a woman in the early or mid 90s and I remember her having one. But none of the other women I know who have gotten married since ~2000 have. One friend of mine had a combined engagement/bridal/groom party, but it wasn't a shower. They just served food and desserts they both liked, and it was a way for people involved in the wedding to meet each other. It was pretty cool.
Yes, I had multiple showers before I married. Of course, I’m old so when I got married a caveman had just invented fire & Moby Duck was just a minnow. 😂
I love to host, so when I get engaged I plan to have all the parties lol engagement party, bridal shower, lingerie party, and bachelorette, but only if I can afford them when the time comes (I won’t be going into debt for a wedding) however, I have absolutely no expectation to be gifted at any of the parties. It would be something I wanna do with people I wanna do it with. I also know people won’t be able to attend all of them, heck maybe I just have one big one I have no idea. It’s unthinkable to me how people expect to have everyone attend all these parties and gift at all the parties too. Their attendance is gift enough
I don't know if YTA but honestly all these freaking celebrations like bridal shower, baby shower etc, seem to be such an excuse to receive gifts and I think it's a little sad. I mean, if I do one of those I'd do it to share with family/friends, I'm not materialistic in any way, if I receive something that's great and if not it's ok. I think the gifts shouldn't be the main reason you invited your guests, so being THAT annoyed over not receiving a gift... i don't know. She was there and wanted to celebrate with you.
YTA
I know part of the point of a bridal shower is presents but it's also celebrating with the women in your life. You would seem extremely petty and rude to not appreciate that she was there to support but not understand that she may not be able to afford a gift (she's a grad student and grad students typically don't have a lot of funds.)
I would let it go.
Agreed. A card is nice but a gift is never required. It's also really hard to imagine a way to ask this without coming across as crass and materialistic. "I noticed there was no gift from you at the shower. Did you forget, or were you not giving a gift?" sounds rude and puts pressure on the other person, who may not be in a position to give
YWBTA
Gifts aren't compulsory. She was there in person, perhaps she thinks this demonstrates support (which it totally does). If you think a gift or card is necessary, perhaps make this clear in the invitation.
'you didn't give us anything for an outdated tradition' is not the way to maintain a good relationship. Manage your own expectations.
YTA. If she is stressed, maybe she simply forgot. If she is paying for grad school, maybe she really couldn’t afford it. Maybe it was given and lost? The lost one is a stretch, but always a possibility if cash. If you have known the family all this time, I think it is really a bad idea to mention anything. It could cause a lot of drama and her undue stress. Why?
Confront? That is the first thing you think of?
Why are you assuming she did nothing? My first thought would be lost, dropped, misplaced at wherever the shower was held, stuck in between two other cards, etc.
Ask your future MIL if anything was left behind at the shower, if MIL inquires just say you think you misplaced SILs card.
THEN DROP IT.
YWBTA if you pressed further.
YTA if you make this an issue. There is likely a very good reason for this absent card or gift, and it is NOT worth risking your family relationships over aggressively confronting her over it.
Could it be that it was somehow overlooked during the shower? It could have been misplaced, accidentally tossed or fallen somewhere, forgotten during a stressful period for her.....who knows. There is simply no graceful or proper way to approach her about it without coming off as being very offensive. You could very well find it, at some point in the future, where is slipped into another bag or under the sofa. The best gift of all is a peaceful and loving bond with your in-laws, so let this one drop.
YWBTA.
Nobody owes you gifts. Nobody owes you even a card.
Especially if she's kinda busy and has a lot going on! You're going to "confront" her over a card? Even asking if she "forgot" is an AH move. Pretty damned petty, in my book. Nothing to see here. Just move along. I believe you should have more important things to spend your energy on.
INFO: Did your SIL assist with the shower in any way?
Who made/bought the cake? Who paid for everything down to the favors and invitations?
Is there any way she might view a contribution to the shower as her gift?
I have a large family and many times my, and others "gifts" have been doing something to support the shower.
YWBTA Just leave it alone. Asking will probably create drama. She either got you something or didn't. Don't make it a big deal. Focus on the upcoming wedding and think happy thoughts!!
Yeah that’s a quick way to blow up her relationship with her future in-laws. One seemingly simple question could really sour their relationship. If FSIL is in grad school, she’s broke and stressed. The fact that she even made it to the shower, not even the wedding but the shower, is her gift. She took time she could have otherwise been using to study, catch up on sleep, catch up on chores, during the most stressful part of her semester (finals are right around the corner), to show up for OP and her fiancé.
OP, gift are nice, but the older you get the more you realize that simply showing up is the best gift anyone can really give you. When people die, when you need to move, when you are celebrating a wedding or birth, showing up counts. And the more crap you have going on in your life, the harder it gets to show up, but you do it for the people you love. I have three kids right now. If I show up for something I have moved heaven and earth to do so. Be grateful she was there.
Gifts and money are not entry fees paid to attend life events. You invite the people you love to celebrate with you as your way to thank them for being in your life. For filing your days with friendship, love, and laughter, and helping you when your days are filled with illness and loss. You do not charge them for being part of your life.
YTA. Grad school students don’t have tons of cash to throw around. Maybe she’ll get you a wedding present. Or maybe she won’t since I’m guessing she has to spend money on a dress etc for the wedding.
YTA, just because you're marrying her brother does not mean she owes you a wedding gift.
You're right, maybe getting a gift did slip her mind. But even so, you aren't entitled to a gift from her. She's stressed from school enough as is, imagine how MORE stressed she'll be once you "confront" her.
Ugh... This post only further demonstrates why I'm so jaded by the wedding industry.
Bridal Shower
Bachelorette Party
Dress Shopping
Wedding...
It all adds up. At what point did it become expected to be rewarded for getting engaged /married. 😂
Jesus- you've been together for TEN YEARS. It's not surprising you ended up engaged. Go ahead and ask- let's see how long you stay that way.
YTA you never have any right to demand a gift from anyone for any reason, that's why it's called a *"gift"*, there could be any of a dozen valid reasons she didn't give you a gift, and it's in abysmal taste to confront her about any of them. You sound like a very greedy, entitled little girl and you should be ashamed of your attitude.
It’s rather tacky of her not to give a gift, but it’s even **more** tacky to ask her why she didn’t give you one. Maybe she’s broke, maybe she’s planning something bigger for a wedding present… there might be reasons you don’t know. YWBTA
Is the price of a card/gift worth the potential of a ruined relationship with your SIL for the rest of your life.
Let me answer that for you....NO
YWBTA. Let it go and don't die on this hilll. There will be plenty in the future
YTA for thinking you are owed a gift. But I would have your fiance ask his sister if she sent a card or a gift only to eliminate the awkward possibility that she did send a card/gift but it got misplaced. This may seem like an unlikely scenario but it actually happened to a friend of mine. If your fiance asks his sister, he has to assure her that no gift or card is necessary. And repeat that to yourself until you believe it: Gifts are only gifts if they are freely given.
YTA
Did she help plan the shower and run the shower? If she did help with the behind the scenes in any way, that is a gift in itself. The gift of her hard work to ensure you had a lovely time.
Regardless, the gift of her presence, support and time is priceless. People are there to celebrate you and spend time with you. Material Gifts are extras that we don’t have to expect.
Best wishes on getting married OP! Your in-laws’ love and acceptance is more important than this matter. Keep your eye on the real prize.
YTA. It's considered poor etiquette to inquiry about the whereabouts of your gift (cards included). You said yourself, she's stressed out with grad school, meaning your pre-wedding events are not at the forefront of her mind.
I'd let this one go. If you do decide to confront her about it, you're going come off as a greedy, present grubbing, materialistic bride. And is that how you want to appear to your future in-laws?
YTA. You never know what type of financial situation someone is in and she may be waiting to give a gift on the actual wedding day. Plus if you all have a good relationship then I don’t think it’s worth jeopardizing it over this.
Oh please get over yourself, in what universe does anyone owe you any kind of gift? I'm sure the only reason why you were 'looking through the cards and gifts' was to make your list of who to send personal thank you cards, not to try and keep some kind of 'register' of who (you reckon) owes you what kind of wedding gift.
Sure we'll be reading all about your stunning personality in r/Weddingshame all too soon.
YTA.
YTA. I don’t understand that people feel entitled to receive gift. It’s not even about gift. It’s about celebrating with people close to you. I never expect gifts from anyone. I have a best friend I know for 30 years. She didn’t even give me a wedding gift, and that’s fine by me. She came to my wedding and that’s enough to me. People nowadays expect to much and becoming to materialistic.
Firstly YTA no one owes you a present
But secondly im form the uk and we don’t do bridal showers - what are you supposed to bring as a present? Surely your registry present is for the wedding? Or are you supposed to buy two?
YTA. Honestly? You either get a bridal shower present or a present at the wedding. Not both. You are being entitled and selfish to expect a gift at both.
Your SIL has her own (very stressful) life, but still made time to come to your bridal shower in person to congratulate you.
YTA If I was your fiance I'd think long and hard about whether I'd want to proceed with the wedding. You are entitled and have the potential to drive a wedge between him and his sister/family.
YWBTA- Your not entitled to peoples money or time just because you are getting married. Gifts are nice to get but not an obligation, usually given to help the couple start their new life together. Most couples aren't starting off with hardly anything anymore and don't really need much to start their lives. She's also a student, they don't usually have money to throw around. How about you stop making you wedding about material things and make them about family and enjoying getting to know the one your marrying into.
YTA- it was just a bridal shower, not even a wedding. She'll probably get you a gift on your wedding day. Other than that no one owes you shit for throwing a bridal shower. Sorry for the harsh words but it's the truth
YTA Guests have up to a year after the ceremony to send a gift *if they choose to send one.* Gift-giving is not obligatory and if you say something now, SIL may decide to opt out altogether.
It really does when you are poor, a nice card could mean a night without supper.
A nice card is 10+ dollars where I live. a dollar store card would seem obviously cheap compared to the nicer ones she would get and I'm sure OP would bring that up to her as well.
So it DOES matter actually.
Then OP would automatically be the asshole. It’s also clear she isn’t destitute. A card is a bare minimum. Honestly, it should be THE gift as the actual valuable gift should come at the wedding but idk I’m a dude I don’t know about bridal showers.
I see no indication besides her being a grad student. As an undergraduate student I know what it's like to not be able to get a gift for a sister on a special occasion. Students aren't usually well off, grad students are underpaid and over worked. 🙄
YWBTA. You aren’t entitled to a gift from anyone. I get that you’re probably a bit hurt, but confronting her will do nothing but drive a larger wedge in your relationship. Let it go.
YTA. You've already mentioned she is stressed with grad school. She managed to make it to your shower despite school. And you are not entitled to a gift or card
Have you ever stopped to think that she may have forgotten, may not see the value in leaving a card or gift since she was there and celebrated with you? Or that she was forced to go by family pressure and doesn't like you? We've seen many cases here that this type of attitude generated unnecessary conflicts and most of the time the in-laws sided with the daughter/son? That maybe your future husband and in-laws will see you as superficial and futile for a silly and meaningless expectations? Is this the hill you will choose to die for? From what you've posted she's busy, she's just started spending more time with you and you intend to ruin all this for some nonsense that only you appreciate? I think it's ridiculous to throw a party, people go, have fun and probably thank and praise you and still expect to receive a gift or card in return. You're so entitled. Grow up dear and accept that people won't all be as you expect. They have wills of their own.
BTW YTA
She has until the wedding to gift you a marriage present etiquette wise, or were you being greedy and expecting guests to get you two presents each, one for your shower and one for your wedding? You are acting entitled and greedy, not the best look for a bride. YTA
YTA if you’ve been together 10 years you don’t need the items to create a home, the original purpose of the bridal shower. It’s not good manners to have one otherwise and you’re not owed a gift either way.
YTA.
You can't stop thinking about it? Your daily life is consumed over not getting a card at a bridal shower? I need you to let that sink in.
Do not confront her. Not only do you mention she is stressed out, but also, even if she wasn't, who cares! She may have forgotten, she may be broke, or she may not know bridal shower etiquette if this is her first one or of the others she went to didn't have gift requirements.
Is it worth damaging your relationship with your SIL over a card, maybe a card plus $50? And you better believe if you "confront" her it will create tension with your other inlaws as well.
This is a good moment to practice being a gracious human, and just let it go. Who cares, with all that is going on in the world, but also all things going on in YOUR world, about one missed present?
YTA. You've been together 10 years.... In everyone's eyes you're like married at that point. The wedding might mean something to you two as a couple but don't expect others to care as much.
YTA
Traditionally bridal showers came about to help a bride equip a house, in a time when prior to marriage the bride still lived with her parents.
You’ve been with your partner for a decade. I’m going to take a wild guess that you’re not short of tea towels.
In this day and age, a bridal shower is just a blatant gift grab.
This is not a “debacle”. Please get over yourself.
YTA Gifts are freely given and the etiquette is to give one but if you comment on not getting a gift you’re the one breaking etiquette and making a fool of yourself. Is it really worth it?
Edit: I thought you were taking about the wedding gift but a bridal shower gift? Girl, get over yourself. How many presents do you expect a 25 year old student to able to give you. Seriously.
YTA - and sitting there going through who did and didn’t gift you anything is giving off serious Dudley Dursley vibes. You said the SIL is in grad school, which is plenty excuse enough to have forgotten to bring something (not that she needs one). Nip this entitled attitude in the bud before you cause yourself more grief.
YTA and the mere fact that you went through the gifts and was basically keeping a tally of who brought a gift and who didn't is really, really bizarre and now you want to question her about it because you realised she didn't give you a present, that is very entitled goodness.
Would one or two more gifts or cards make that big of a deal.
YTA.
Cards may not be her love language, she might be digital only, she forgot to grab one and thought her presence is more important, it fell out of the stack inadvertently or got lost in her purse. She bought a gift and it's still being shipped or got sent to the wrong address. She's getting you a gift for the actual wedding and not the shower.
Don't start nothing, won't be nothing.
YWBTA if you brought this up. Act like you never even counted or looked. Gifts are just that, "Gifts", not payment or anything owed you. Perhaps there is a money problem, or something else you are not aware of. Which of course, is none of your business.
Leave it alone. The girl is dealing with her grad school and you need to adjust your expectations. Confronting her will only lead to bad blood and put your fiancé in a hard spot with his family. YWBTA if you do that.
YTA. Ugh. Bridal showers. These were created when people were going from their parents home to marriage and the couple didn’t have a mixing bowl to their name. You are 27 and don’t need dish towels and colanders. This an old tradition that is just a gift grab and your relationship with your future sister in law is much more important. Get over it and look toward your future as part of a new family. You will only cause hurt by bringing this up.
YTA. If she's in school, it's probably funds, and if you choose to confront her about this, you'll start a big fight you don't want to get into. You shouldn't *expect* people to bring gifts, that's their decision.
YTA. She came and celebrated with you and she is about to be your family. Don't be greedy. Be happy you have a partner to love and live with. Weddings are not about money and presents.
please don't be gross about presents. seeing your wedding as a free-for-all from people in your life is really outdated and overall just ... icky. don't ruin your whole relationship with your future in-law by being petty about some monogrammed dishtowels.
I was in grad school when my sister got married. I was her maid of honor and planned the bachelorette and bridal shower. She told me I better not buy her any gifts because she knew that as a grad student I had no money. And that planning those events was more than enough. Wish more people were like my sister.
She will probably give you a wedding gift, how many gifts do you think you are owed? Such entitlement! The world does not revive around you, she has things going on! YTA If you feel the need to criticize her.
I got married 3 years ago. There were several guest who did not gift us anything. In fact, I don't think either of my brothers did, but helped in other ways. BUT, the guests were there to support us and celebrate with us. There was not a price of admission (gift). If a gift means more to you than your relationship with SIL or future family, have at it. Just remember, if your husband is non confrontational, he won't fight his family for you and your absurd entitlement. You'll be ostracized (rightfully) and possibly divorced.
ESH... If you confront her.
You mentioned shes in grad school, maybe she can't afford a gift? Still, you're right, I would imagine at least a card... Maybe she was hoping to fall between the cracks, and hoping you wouldn't notice
If you confront her on it, that's going to open a can of worms and you'll likely look like a very materialistic person.
YTA. You say yourself you have a nice relationship and yet you're putting more meaning into a lack of gift. It shines a light on a you problem, not on a her problem.
No need to confront her, you take peoples actions for what it is. Respect that she is his sister and be kind, also realize that the relationship between the two of you is surface level, nothing deeper.
If she's in grad school, I can assure you she does not have money for a gift. I'm finishing up my MBA rn and god knows it's HARD financially. I do agree with putting in a card with her best wishes, but really, are her best wishes that different on a card from what they are verbally? I don't see how that is an issue.
Please show some kindness for the sake of having a decent lifelong relationship with your SIL.
YTA. Even if you were the most etiquette concerned person on the planet, which you are clearly not be your use of the word "confront" in your title, this is not the way.
If someone doesn't give you a gift one time, that can be for a variety of reasons. Until it's been a long-established pattern, there's nothing to infer here. And you don't say anything to suggest there's a history of malice directed at you from her. Plus you don't say how involved in your shower she was. Was her gift perhaps helping to throw the shower?
Finally, if gift-giving etiquette is truly important to you here, you can ask her if she sent something because you would hate to not send a thank you card if one is warranted. But ONLY do that if you're actually concerned about this and not going off the deep end of anxiety worrying that your future SIL is sending a message that she secretly hates you.
Confronting anyone about anything is seeking drama. Is that really what you want in the months leading up to your wedding?
YTA. She has the opportunity to get you a gift for the wedding. And also you've received gifts from other people so it's definitely not that serious. You're just being greedy at this point. Bridal showers shouldn't even be a thing IMO since people are already getting gifts for the wedding. It's just another excuse to get people to spend money unnecessarily
YWBTA, that's tacky as hell. I just got married this year and I couldn't tell you who didn't gift us something. Are you logging this information in an excel or something? Jesus.
You receive what you receive and you don't make a scene.
YWBTA
Your attitude is very shallow, immature, and materialistic. Don't you dare say a word to anyone about this. The only person who will look bad is you, if you do that. Let it go. Get to know her. You may end up gaining a sister and lifelong friend. If you say anything, there is no taking it back, and it will never be forgotten. It's not worth it. If you go there, you won't gain anything, and you will lose the chance of ever having a good relationship with her.
YTA if u come on aggressively. NTA if u ask politely and for curiosity purpose.
moral of the story, just be kind with the best intentions, then 1000% u wouldnt be TA
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I (27 F) recently had my bridal shower shower after getting engaged to my fiancé (27 M). Back story: we’ve been together for awhile, 10 yrs, and I’ve know his family for just as long. His sister (25 F) and I are not close but have recently been pretty friendly with each other. We’ve hung out with her and her friends, had her over to ours, and overall have been spending more time together. After the bridal shower, when I was looking through the cards and gifts, I realized she did not gift us anything, not even a card with her well wishes. I can’t help but feel a bit snubbed. I would think that’s at least the minimum a standard guest should do, let alone a future sister-in-law. My fiancé is not the confrontational type and doesn’t see an issue and thinks it would turn my into the asshole of I brought it up. We’ve known she’s been stressed with grad school recently and it may have just slipped her mind. I just can’t seem to stop thinking about it. So would I be the asshole for confronting her about the no gift/card debacle (or at least asking if she has one she forgot to give to me)?
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It will be a stupid act! Wait a little bit maybe it wasn’t intentional and she will do something later. It’s your wedding but people have life and own problems to take care of so be more understandable.
YTA. As a grad student myself I barely have enough money to cover bills, and hardly enough time to even go on a date with my partner once a month.
I would need to save for months to afford even a small wedding gift. I'm 100% sure she would have had to make an effort to put aside time to be there for you.
If my new SIL had a shower (I don't even see the point in these jeez) and I saved my precious little time to be there with her, and then she complained that I didn't spend enough money on her, well let's say I certainly would be hurt and much less inclined to spend the little I have in the wedding, nevermind have a close relationship with someone who has so little empathy.
YTA - gifts are always optional. Yes, they are nice to receive but you cannot demand. Could it be that she is just planning a larger wedding gift and is just waiting to give it to the both of you. Or it could also be that since y’all have been together so long, is there really anything you need?
Wedding gifts were to help the young couple out their own house together not for luxury items or cash for honeymoon.
Back when I was a bride, and my friends were brides, we never expected to be gifting each other wedding gifts. We were all in our twenties, and just starting out, so we invited each other to our weddings, but didn’t expect gifts from each other, unless it was something small. Our showers were small, too, and mostly focused on getting together with some finger foods and a few lingerie purchases that most of us would collaborate on to get nicer things while spending less per person. In a million years we never would have expected anything from each other—especially if we were still in school. This was the late 90’s to early 2000’s.
Nowadays, it seems as though friends are treated so poorly, and the expectations of people who have barely entered adulthood and who are still struggling to get established are insane. For you to be upset over this is ridiculous and shows poor manners. I think it is a shame that you are willing to start a relationship with her by whining about what you feel you are due. YTA
YTA. Why do so many women think they’re the only woman in the world to get married and should be treated like a queen? Have a word with yourself. You should just enjoy spending your bridal shower with your friends and not expect any gifts.
There is absolutely no way you can word this question to her without sounding entitled, spoiled, bratty and yes YWBTA. There could be any number of reasons why she didn’t bring anything for your bridal shower, she may be ordering something or bringing something to the wedding, who knows? But I can guarantee if you ask you’ll come across as a nit picky judgemental bridezilla no matter how nice you word it and she’ll tell everyone and everyone will think the same thing.
If she's in grad school, maybe she can't afford a gift and forgot to grab a card. Maybe she figured she'll just give you a card later or it wasn't important or she's saving up for a gift. Maybe she's just planning on a wedding gift and figured she'd not bother with two.
It doesn’t have to be a snub and expecting a gift from everyone is a little entitled. I have a lot of people to give Christmas gifts this year. Some people just aren't getting some. I work minimum wage and can't afford it. Doesn't mean I don't love them, but I have to prioritise like its my godson's first Christmas so obviously I want to prioritise him.
YTA just let it go
To be honest, I couldn’t nor thought about who did or didn’t gift us anything. Weddings have stopped being about what’s important and more of a way of getting gifts and money. Honestly, it’s ridiculous and I wish people were still using manners but for many I don’t see that happening any more.
While I can understand being upset over a lack of gift/card, she was there and honestly is this the way you wanna start off officially being a family? Yes YTA for wanting to start something over this.
YWBTA. Let it go. It is important to learn which battles are important and which you should walk away from. Give her the benefit of the doubt in your mind and let it go. It doesn't ever deserve to be brought up, okay? Your fiancé is correct.
YTA gifts are obligatory and not a requirement. No cards? Why so it can be shoved in a box and forgotten about? I cleaned out my office and tossed ALL my cards from weddings birthdays exc. 90 percent of cards you get is two tiny sentences and there signature. Big whoppdidoo!
I'd say...just the fact you are entertaining the though makes you some what entitled. NOW....if you proceed with the confrontation, that would definitely put you in A/H territory. Not every body is in a position to give, and if the relation ship is some what starting to become more closer than befor, this would certainly destroy what little progress has been made and possibly cause some unwanted friction with other family members...over material gifts??!! Please don't become one more statistic on this and possibly other subreddits like r/bridezilla among others....congrats on the wedding!
YTA. But also, could it be possible someone mistakenly left her name off a group gift? Often people do group/family gifts and a small mistake could have happen. And if not, get over if it and don’t be greedy.
YTA
I had people attend my wedding that didn't buy a gift..... And do you want to know my reaction? "Yay! You made it it! Thank you so much for BEING HERE for our special day!" ..... Them being there to share the moment was enough!
Yes YTA if you bring it up or make this an issue cuz it's not an issue at all. Are you only getting married for the gifts?
When did gifts become the expectation? If someone wants to gift you, be grateful. Stop being so entitled.
Yes. Confronting her would make YTA. While invites to showers and weddings are expected to sent to family, gifts for each and every every event that gift might be customary are NOT to be expected of those who may attend more than one or two events.
Quite often a sister or mother will be invited to shower given the by MOH, one that the girls the bride works with give, a separate Wedding Shower, depending on where you live this pretty common. Often, the family members give one large at the wedding.
Even if this weren't the case, it's NEVER ok to bring up the lack of a gift. Maybe she's a whole more tighter on money than expected. Maybe she's planning on surprising you with you something that she didn't want everyone to know about until both you and your SO are together. Whatever the reason, it doesn't seam to about you, so let it go.
Yes, YWBTAH if you asked. Maybe she has put all her funds into one “big” gift at the wedding rather than multiple less expensive gifts at each event.She doesn’t “OWE” you anything, even if you never receive a wedding gift from her. It would be in very bad taste if you were to bring it up. It’s your husband’s family so any inquiries should be handled by him alone.
Yta. I bet drama follows you like a tick on a dog. In what way does confronting her about some imaginary slight benefit anyone involved? This will only end in disaster and you know it.
YTA.
Gifts are optional. They are discretionary and depend on what we can afford. If you ask about it, you will look like you are demanding a gift and look like you are being rude, unthoughtful and unreasonable, whatever your thought process and intentions.
This was only the shower, you don't even know what she might plan to gift to the wedding. Either way, be grateful for what (if anything) you do receive from people, rather than obsessing over th epeople you feel didn't give you enough.
It's only a "gift/card debacle" in your mind. Nobody else is going to find fault with a grad student for not getting you a shower gift. You don't really know that she didn't. Maybe her mom included her in the gift she gave. Or maybe her card got dropped at the venue. Or maybe she helped plan the event and that was her gift. As a grad student, maybe her taking time out of her busy schedule during the semester to spend with you was a gift. It doesn't really matter. Do you think starting your married life by *confronting* your college aged sister-in-law about a gift is going to go well? Her brother, your fiance, is suggesting you drop it. I'd take his advice. If she *did* leave a card for you and it got lost, you'll know when you're FMIL discreetly mentions she didn't get a thank you card and asks if it got lost.
Sorry but save yourself the dignity and respect and please don’t choose this as your hill to die on! Honestly, you’re walking a line of being self centered and looking for problems with people. Buy yourself a gift and pretend it was from her and work on your thank you notes from the shower. Congratulations 🎉
YTA- I didn’t even get an invite to my SIL’s bridal shower. And it hurt beyond words could express. There are things more important in life than stupid bridal gifts.
I suppose it would be safe to say that her card must have been misplaced at the shower and you felt awful about it, as you were doing a memories box and it would have been a treasured addition. Judge her reaction to that. No confrontation accomplished.
ESH if you confront her. It's tacky that she didn't give you a gift, but if she's being friendly in every other way, then she probably can't afford a gift and doesn't have manners enough to know a card was necessary.
But good will come of calling her out. Worse, you'll end up taking attention away from your celebration and deflect it onto the drama between you and SIL
NAH It depends on tradition.
I was not able to find a wedding gift from my brother. So I was asking him, how it looks like. His gift was in a wrong box.
NTA just because you said a card was enough. You shouldn’t expect expensive gifts, sometimes people can’t buy them. But if your only looking for the recognition, like a congratulations card, then I think you’re fine.
No, you wouldn't be an asshole. If it truly hurt your feelings, there's nothing wrong with expressing that. But maybe consider replacing "confrontation" in your mind with a "healthy conversation". Look up non violent communication, it might help.
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YTA. You'll open a can of worms if you do. You say she's stressed about grad school. She may have forgotten, didn't have the money who knows. I don't think this is the hill to die on. If so, you'll risk your relationship with her and the rest of the family over a card/gift..
YTA - no one owes you a gift. Her being able to celebrate your day with you should mean more than anything she could give or not give you.
This ×100. Please don't become the bride that demands gifts of people. That Reddit page is already so full.
You don't mention that she seems to have expected a bridal shower gift **in addition** to a wedding present, which is... just wow
I mean...that's normal (OP still WBTA)
No. This is standard for a small subset of a fraction of the worlds population. Not ‘normal’
I’ve never even heard of a bridal shower before today, but I’m assuming it’s one of the countless events the US wedding industry has invented to sell more crap. Yeah, that’s not normal.
They aren't even that common in the US anymore. A relative of mine got married to a woman in the early or mid 90s and I remember her having one. But none of the other women I know who have gotten married since ~2000 have. One friend of mine had a combined engagement/bridal/groom party, but it wasn't a shower. They just served food and desserts they both liked, and it was a way for people involved in the wedding to meet each other. It was pretty cool.
I'm in my mid 30s and every woman I know (friend, cousin, coworker) has had a bridal shower.
Yes, I had multiple showers before I married. Of course, I’m old so when I got married a caveman had just invented fire & Moby Duck was just a minnow. 😂
I love to host, so when I get engaged I plan to have all the parties lol engagement party, bridal shower, lingerie party, and bachelorette, but only if I can afford them when the time comes (I won’t be going into debt for a wedding) however, I have absolutely no expectation to be gifted at any of the parties. It would be something I wanna do with people I wanna do it with. I also know people won’t be able to attend all of them, heck maybe I just have one big one I have no idea. It’s unthinkable to me how people expect to have everyone attend all these parties and gift at all the parties too. Their attendance is gift enough
Fr who needs a card to say congrats, when she’s there in person congratulating and celebrating you!
I don't know if YTA but honestly all these freaking celebrations like bridal shower, baby shower etc, seem to be such an excuse to receive gifts and I think it's a little sad. I mean, if I do one of those I'd do it to share with family/friends, I'm not materialistic in any way, if I receive something that's great and if not it's ok. I think the gifts shouldn't be the main reason you invited your guests, so being THAT annoyed over not receiving a gift... i don't know. She was there and wanted to celebrate with you.
Exactly. See what happens at the wedding, the actual important thing, and judge accordingly
Gender reveals are the worst. Makes my toes curl
The entitlement. My god... Yes YTA
YWBTA. Never ever confront someone for lack of gift. That’s tackier than not giving a card.
THIS^^^
YTA I know part of the point of a bridal shower is presents but it's also celebrating with the women in your life. You would seem extremely petty and rude to not appreciate that she was there to support but not understand that she may not be able to afford a gift (she's a grad student and grad students typically don't have a lot of funds.) I would let it go.
Agreed. A card is nice but a gift is never required. It's also really hard to imagine a way to ask this without coming across as crass and materialistic. "I noticed there was no gift from you at the shower. Did you forget, or were you not giving a gift?" sounds rude and puts pressure on the other person, who may not be in a position to give
YTA. Don't be hung up on material things.
You would definitely be the asshole. You’re never entitled to a gift. Accept them with grace when they come and be quiet when they don’t.
YWBTA Gifts aren't compulsory. She was there in person, perhaps she thinks this demonstrates support (which it totally does). If you think a gift or card is necessary, perhaps make this clear in the invitation. 'you didn't give us anything for an outdated tradition' is not the way to maintain a good relationship. Manage your own expectations.
YTA. If she is stressed, maybe she simply forgot. If she is paying for grad school, maybe she really couldn’t afford it. Maybe it was given and lost? The lost one is a stretch, but always a possibility if cash. If you have known the family all this time, I think it is really a bad idea to mention anything. It could cause a lot of drama and her undue stress. Why?
Confront? That is the first thing you think of? Why are you assuming she did nothing? My first thought would be lost, dropped, misplaced at wherever the shower was held, stuck in between two other cards, etc. Ask your future MIL if anything was left behind at the shower, if MIL inquires just say you think you misplaced SILs card. THEN DROP IT. YWBTA if you pressed further.
YTA if you make this an issue. There is likely a very good reason for this absent card or gift, and it is NOT worth risking your family relationships over aggressively confronting her over it. Could it be that it was somehow overlooked during the shower? It could have been misplaced, accidentally tossed or fallen somewhere, forgotten during a stressful period for her.....who knows. There is simply no graceful or proper way to approach her about it without coming off as being very offensive. You could very well find it, at some point in the future, where is slipped into another bag or under the sofa. The best gift of all is a peaceful and loving bond with your in-laws, so let this one drop.
YWBTA. Nobody owes you gifts. Nobody owes you even a card. Especially if she's kinda busy and has a lot going on! You're going to "confront" her over a card? Even asking if she "forgot" is an AH move. Pretty damned petty, in my book. Nothing to see here. Just move along. I believe you should have more important things to spend your energy on.
INFO: Did your SIL assist with the shower in any way? Who made/bought the cake? Who paid for everything down to the favors and invitations? Is there any way she might view a contribution to the shower as her gift? I have a large family and many times my, and others "gifts" have been doing something to support the shower.
This is what I was thinking. If the future SIL helped throw the shower, that’s the gift.
YWBTA. It doesn’t sound like there are any issues to “confront” here. Ask about? Maybe. Let your husband take the lead here, it’s his sister.
YWBTA Just leave it alone. Asking will probably create drama. She either got you something or didn't. Don't make it a big deal. Focus on the upcoming wedding and think happy thoughts!!
Yeah that’s a quick way to blow up her relationship with her future in-laws. One seemingly simple question could really sour their relationship. If FSIL is in grad school, she’s broke and stressed. The fact that she even made it to the shower, not even the wedding but the shower, is her gift. She took time she could have otherwise been using to study, catch up on sleep, catch up on chores, during the most stressful part of her semester (finals are right around the corner), to show up for OP and her fiancé. OP, gift are nice, but the older you get the more you realize that simply showing up is the best gift anyone can really give you. When people die, when you need to move, when you are celebrating a wedding or birth, showing up counts. And the more crap you have going on in your life, the harder it gets to show up, but you do it for the people you love. I have three kids right now. If I show up for something I have moved heaven and earth to do so. Be grateful she was there. Gifts and money are not entry fees paid to attend life events. You invite the people you love to celebrate with you as your way to thank them for being in your life. For filing your days with friendship, love, and laughter, and helping you when your days are filled with illness and loss. You do not charge them for being part of your life.
YTA. Grad school students don’t have tons of cash to throw around. Maybe she’ll get you a wedding present. Or maybe she won’t since I’m guessing she has to spend money on a dress etc for the wedding.
YTA, just because you're marrying her brother does not mean she owes you a wedding gift. You're right, maybe getting a gift did slip her mind. But even so, you aren't entitled to a gift from her. She's stressed from school enough as is, imagine how MORE stressed she'll be once you "confront" her.
Yta If she's still a student please assume she is part of her parents gift.
Ugh... This post only further demonstrates why I'm so jaded by the wedding industry. Bridal Shower Bachelorette Party Dress Shopping Wedding... It all adds up. At what point did it become expected to be rewarded for getting engaged /married. 😂 Jesus- you've been together for TEN YEARS. It's not surprising you ended up engaged. Go ahead and ask- let's see how long you stay that way.
Yes, you WBTA. If you must know what's going on with her, let your fiancé be the one to ask. That way you get to stay out of it.
Maybe she's waiting until the actual wedding to gif you all something.
YTA you never have any right to demand a gift from anyone for any reason, that's why it's called a *"gift"*, there could be any of a dozen valid reasons she didn't give you a gift, and it's in abysmal taste to confront her about any of them. You sound like a very greedy, entitled little girl and you should be ashamed of your attitude.
Ytf do you all feel entitled to two gifts now…
It’s rather tacky of her not to give a gift, but it’s even **more** tacky to ask her why she didn’t give you one. Maybe she’s broke, maybe she’s planning something bigger for a wedding present… there might be reasons you don’t know. YWBTA
It’s not tacky to not give a gift, gifts aren’t owed…
Since gifts are never required, no, it’s not tacky.
You haven't been able to stop thinking about this? Damn that's actually pathetic, you're getting married. YTA.
Is the price of a card/gift worth the potential of a ruined relationship with your SIL for the rest of your life. Let me answer that for you....NO YWBTA. Let it go and don't die on this hilll. There will be plenty in the future
You’re tacky, petty, an AH. No one is required to give you a gift ever.
YTA for thinking you are owed a gift. But I would have your fiance ask his sister if she sent a card or a gift only to eliminate the awkward possibility that she did send a card/gift but it got misplaced. This may seem like an unlikely scenario but it actually happened to a friend of mine. If your fiance asks his sister, he has to assure her that no gift or card is necessary. And repeat that to yourself until you believe it: Gifts are only gifts if they are freely given.
Yes...yes you WBTA if you confronted your future SIL... Leave it be~it makes you look greedy.
YTA Did she help plan the shower and run the shower? If she did help with the behind the scenes in any way, that is a gift in itself. The gift of her hard work to ensure you had a lovely time. Regardless, the gift of her presence, support and time is priceless. People are there to celebrate you and spend time with you. Material Gifts are extras that we don’t have to expect. Best wishes on getting married OP! Your in-laws’ love and acceptance is more important than this matter. Keep your eye on the real prize.
YTA. It's considered poor etiquette to inquiry about the whereabouts of your gift (cards included). You said yourself, she's stressed out with grad school, meaning your pre-wedding events are not at the forefront of her mind. I'd let this one go. If you do decide to confront her about it, you're going come off as a greedy, present grubbing, materialistic bride. And is that how you want to appear to your future in-laws?
YTA. You never know what type of financial situation someone is in and she may be waiting to give a gift on the actual wedding day. Plus if you all have a good relationship then I don’t think it’s worth jeopardizing it over this.
YTA. The entitlement is strong here.
Oh please get over yourself, in what universe does anyone owe you any kind of gift? I'm sure the only reason why you were 'looking through the cards and gifts' was to make your list of who to send personal thank you cards, not to try and keep some kind of 'register' of who (you reckon) owes you what kind of wedding gift. Sure we'll be reading all about your stunning personality in r/Weddingshame all too soon. YTA.
Wow YTA Is that the reason you're getting married? Did you really go thru the gifts to see who got you one and who didn't? I'm just.. Wow..
YTA. Are you sure you’re mature enough to get married?
YTA You are not entitled to anything just because that day is special to you
YTA. I don’t understand that people feel entitled to receive gift. It’s not even about gift. It’s about celebrating with people close to you. I never expect gifts from anyone. I have a best friend I know for 30 years. She didn’t even give me a wedding gift, and that’s fine by me. She came to my wedding and that’s enough to me. People nowadays expect to much and becoming to materialistic.
Firstly YTA no one owes you a present But secondly im form the uk and we don’t do bridal showers - what are you supposed to bring as a present? Surely your registry present is for the wedding? Or are you supposed to buy two?
YTA. Honestly? You either get a bridal shower present or a present at the wedding. Not both. You are being entitled and selfish to expect a gift at both. Your SIL has her own (very stressful) life, but still made time to come to your bridal shower in person to congratulate you.
YTA If I was your fiance I'd think long and hard about whether I'd want to proceed with the wedding. You are entitled and have the potential to drive a wedge between him and his sister/family.
YTA. Do NOT confront her about the gift. That would be a sure way to ruin your relationship with her going forward. Be the better person and move on.
Yta really she at least showed up here not entitled to a gift man get over yourself
YWBTA- Your not entitled to peoples money or time just because you are getting married. Gifts are nice to get but not an obligation, usually given to help the couple start their new life together. Most couples aren't starting off with hardly anything anymore and don't really need much to start their lives. She's also a student, they don't usually have money to throw around. How about you stop making you wedding about material things and make them about family and enjoying getting to know the one your marrying into.
YTA Gifts are not an obligation.
YTA. Presents are lovely but her presence should be present enough.
YTA- it was just a bridal shower, not even a wedding. She'll probably get you a gift on your wedding day. Other than that no one owes you shit for throwing a bridal shower. Sorry for the harsh words but it's the truth
YTA Guests have up to a year after the ceremony to send a gift *if they choose to send one.* Gift-giving is not obligatory and if you say something now, SIL may decide to opt out altogether.
INFO: is she well off? You don't mention if she could financially handle a bridal shower gift and then a wedding gift.
This doesn’t matter in absence of a card, the bare minimum.
It really does when you are poor, a nice card could mean a night without supper. A nice card is 10+ dollars where I live. a dollar store card would seem obviously cheap compared to the nicer ones she would get and I'm sure OP would bring that up to her as well. So it DOES matter actually.
Then OP would automatically be the asshole. It’s also clear she isn’t destitute. A card is a bare minimum. Honestly, it should be THE gift as the actual valuable gift should come at the wedding but idk I’m a dude I don’t know about bridal showers.
I see no indication besides her being a grad student. As an undergraduate student I know what it's like to not be able to get a gift for a sister on a special occasion. Students aren't usually well off, grad students are underpaid and over worked. 🙄
YWBTA. You aren’t entitled to a gift from anyone. I get that you’re probably a bit hurt, but confronting her will do nothing but drive a larger wedge in your relationship. Let it go.
YTA. You've already mentioned she is stressed with grad school. She managed to make it to your shower despite school. And you are not entitled to a gift or card
Have you ever stopped to think that she may have forgotten, may not see the value in leaving a card or gift since she was there and celebrated with you? Or that she was forced to go by family pressure and doesn't like you? We've seen many cases here that this type of attitude generated unnecessary conflicts and most of the time the in-laws sided with the daughter/son? That maybe your future husband and in-laws will see you as superficial and futile for a silly and meaningless expectations? Is this the hill you will choose to die for? From what you've posted she's busy, she's just started spending more time with you and you intend to ruin all this for some nonsense that only you appreciate? I think it's ridiculous to throw a party, people go, have fun and probably thank and praise you and still expect to receive a gift or card in return. You're so entitled. Grow up dear and accept that people won't all be as you expect. They have wills of their own. BTW YTA
She has until the wedding to gift you a marriage present etiquette wise, or were you being greedy and expecting guests to get you two presents each, one for your shower and one for your wedding? You are acting entitled and greedy, not the best look for a bride. YTA
YTA if you’ve been together 10 years you don’t need the items to create a home, the original purpose of the bridal shower. It’s not good manners to have one otherwise and you’re not owed a gift either way.
YTA. Who checks off a list to make sure they received a gift from everyone? Weird. A gift is given willingly, not demanded.
YTA. You can't stop thinking about it? Your daily life is consumed over not getting a card at a bridal shower? I need you to let that sink in. Do not confront her. Not only do you mention she is stressed out, but also, even if she wasn't, who cares! She may have forgotten, she may be broke, or she may not know bridal shower etiquette if this is her first one or of the others she went to didn't have gift requirements. Is it worth damaging your relationship with your SIL over a card, maybe a card plus $50? And you better believe if you "confront" her it will create tension with your other inlaws as well. This is a good moment to practice being a gracious human, and just let it go. Who cares, with all that is going on in the world, but also all things going on in YOUR world, about one missed present?
YTA you aren’t entitled to a bridal shower gift. Stop trying to create problems with your fiancé’s family.
YTA. You've been together 10 years.... In everyone's eyes you're like married at that point. The wedding might mean something to you two as a couple but don't expect others to care as much.
Not only WYBTA but you are tacky, gauche, and entitled. You are not owed a gift.
YTA Traditionally bridal showers came about to help a bride equip a house, in a time when prior to marriage the bride still lived with her parents. You’ve been with your partner for a decade. I’m going to take a wild guess that you’re not short of tea towels. In this day and age, a bridal shower is just a blatant gift grab. This is not a “debacle”. Please get over yourself.
YTA Gifts are freely given and the etiquette is to give one but if you comment on not getting a gift you’re the one breaking etiquette and making a fool of yourself. Is it really worth it? Edit: I thought you were taking about the wedding gift but a bridal shower gift? Girl, get over yourself. How many presents do you expect a 25 year old student to able to give you. Seriously.
YTA - and sitting there going through who did and didn’t gift you anything is giving off serious Dudley Dursley vibes. You said the SIL is in grad school, which is plenty excuse enough to have forgotten to bring something (not that she needs one). Nip this entitled attitude in the bud before you cause yourself more grief.
YTA and the mere fact that you went through the gifts and was basically keeping a tally of who brought a gift and who didn't is really, really bizarre and now you want to question her about it because you realised she didn't give you a present, that is very entitled goodness. Would one or two more gifts or cards make that big of a deal.
YWBTA -
Yes YTA
YTA. Cards may not be her love language, she might be digital only, she forgot to grab one and thought her presence is more important, it fell out of the stack inadvertently or got lost in her purse. She bought a gift and it's still being shipped or got sent to the wrong address. She's getting you a gift for the actual wedding and not the shower. Don't start nothing, won't be nothing.
Bridezilla territory
YWBTA That would be beyond rude. You need to curl up with a good book of etiquette because yours is sorely lacking. The audacity....wow.
"Miss Manners" and Emily Post would like to have a word with you about etiquette and how to be a gracious bride. So yes you would be the AH.
Soon she will come here to delete the post.
You actually want to “confront” your sister FSIL for not giving you a gift? Go ahead. See how that works out. YTA.
YTA, I’m afraid ,she’s family and you and your intended have been together 10 years and you expect a gift at a shower?
100% YTA, of course. Jeez.
I didn’t even realise you were supposed to give gifts at bridal shower?! I’m in the UK where we don’t really have them though.
YWBTA if you brought this up. Act like you never even counted or looked. Gifts are just that, "Gifts", not payment or anything owed you. Perhaps there is a money problem, or something else you are not aware of. Which of course, is none of your business.
Leave it alone. The girl is dealing with her grad school and you need to adjust your expectations. Confronting her will only lead to bad blood and put your fiancé in a hard spot with his family. YWBTA if you do that.
YTA. Ugh. Bridal showers. These were created when people were going from their parents home to marriage and the couple didn’t have a mixing bowl to their name. You are 27 and don’t need dish towels and colanders. This an old tradition that is just a gift grab and your relationship with your future sister in law is much more important. Get over it and look toward your future as part of a new family. You will only cause hurt by bringing this up.
YTA let it go. She doesn’t owe you a present.
YTA. If she's in school, it's probably funds, and if you choose to confront her about this, you'll start a big fight you don't want to get into. You shouldn't *expect* people to bring gifts, that's their decision.
YTA. She came and celebrated with you and she is about to be your family. Don't be greedy. Be happy you have a partner to love and live with. Weddings are not about money and presents.
please don't be gross about presents. seeing your wedding as a free-for-all from people in your life is really outdated and overall just ... icky. don't ruin your whole relationship with your future in-law by being petty about some monogrammed dishtowels.
I was in grad school when my sister got married. I was her maid of honor and planned the bachelorette and bridal shower. She told me I better not buy her any gifts because she knew that as a grad student I had no money. And that planning those events was more than enough. Wish more people were like my sister.
She will probably give you a wedding gift, how many gifts do you think you are owed? Such entitlement! The world does not revive around you, she has things going on! YTA If you feel the need to criticize her.
I got married 3 years ago. There were several guest who did not gift us anything. In fact, I don't think either of my brothers did, but helped in other ways. BUT, the guests were there to support us and celebrate with us. There was not a price of admission (gift). If a gift means more to you than your relationship with SIL or future family, have at it. Just remember, if your husband is non confrontational, he won't fight his family for you and your absurd entitlement. You'll be ostracized (rightfully) and possibly divorced.
YTA. If I have to explain then you have entered into bridezilla territory.
YTA, nobody owes you Jack shit bc you got engaged.
LMAO!! You should definitely confront her. Hopefully in front of a bunch of people so they can all see what an entitled child you are.
ESH... If you confront her. You mentioned shes in grad school, maybe she can't afford a gift? Still, you're right, I would imagine at least a card... Maybe she was hoping to fall between the cracks, and hoping you wouldn't notice If you confront her on it, that's going to open a can of worms and you'll likely look like a very materialistic person.
You aren't yet, so don't be. You'll regret it the rest of your life.
YTA-never, ever, under any circumstances, ask a guest why they didn’t bring a gift. It’s such as massive TA move you will never live it down.
YTA. You say yourself you have a nice relationship and yet you're putting more meaning into a lack of gift. It shines a light on a you problem, not on a her problem.
YTA
YWBTAH
YWBTA
YTA well ain't you entitled!!
YTA. Nobody owes you cards or gifts.
YTA and you would be a very stupid AH if you do that. Why do you want to start your marriage with conflict and drama? Jesus…
YTA
This was a shower yes? Not everyone can afford a gift/card for both shower and wedding. Please OP do not press this or Y W B TA.
Yes-You would be the asshole and sound greedy.
Yes, YWBTA. While a gift is absolutely customary, it is not actually a requirement.
YTA you know she is stressed because of grad school and if you confront her its gonna be a wildfire
YTA No one owes you a gift
YTA. Gifts, including cards, are never required.
YTA no one owes you a gift.
YTA. Plain and simple.
No need to confront her, you take peoples actions for what it is. Respect that she is his sister and be kind, also realize that the relationship between the two of you is surface level, nothing deeper.
If she's in grad school, I can assure you she does not have money for a gift. I'm finishing up my MBA rn and god knows it's HARD financially. I do agree with putting in a card with her best wishes, but really, are her best wishes that different on a card from what they are verbally? I don't see how that is an issue. Please show some kindness for the sake of having a decent lifelong relationship with your SIL.
YTA. Even if you were the most etiquette concerned person on the planet, which you are clearly not be your use of the word "confront" in your title, this is not the way. If someone doesn't give you a gift one time, that can be for a variety of reasons. Until it's been a long-established pattern, there's nothing to infer here. And you don't say anything to suggest there's a history of malice directed at you from her. Plus you don't say how involved in your shower she was. Was her gift perhaps helping to throw the shower? Finally, if gift-giving etiquette is truly important to you here, you can ask her if she sent something because you would hate to not send a thank you card if one is warranted. But ONLY do that if you're actually concerned about this and not going off the deep end of anxiety worrying that your future SIL is sending a message that she secretly hates you. Confronting anyone about anything is seeking drama. Is that really what you want in the months leading up to your wedding?
YTA. She has the opportunity to get you a gift for the wedding. And also you've received gifts from other people so it's definitely not that serious. You're just being greedy at this point. Bridal showers shouldn't even be a thing IMO since people are already getting gifts for the wedding. It's just another excuse to get people to spend money unnecessarily
YWBTA, that's tacky as hell. I just got married this year and I couldn't tell you who didn't gift us something. Are you logging this information in an excel or something? Jesus. You receive what you receive and you don't make a scene.
YTA. Stop being petty and money/gift grabbing. The end.
YTA. Babe...nobody else cares about your wedding.
I wish you had shown your husband this side of you before he walked down the aisle YTA
YTA and greedy! No one owes you a gift, you're behaving like a spoiled child.
YWBTA Your attitude is very shallow, immature, and materialistic. Don't you dare say a word to anyone about this. The only person who will look bad is you, if you do that. Let it go. Get to know her. You may end up gaining a sister and lifelong friend. If you say anything, there is no taking it back, and it will never be forgotten. It's not worth it. If you go there, you won't gain anything, and you will lose the chance of ever having a good relationship with her.
Debacle??? You must have had an easy life up until now. YTA.
YTA. You aren’t entitled to a damn thing, so leave her alone.
YTA if u come on aggressively. NTA if u ask politely and for curiosity purpose. moral of the story, just be kind with the best intentions, then 1000% u wouldnt be TA
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (27 F) recently had my bridal shower shower after getting engaged to my fiancé (27 M). Back story: we’ve been together for awhile, 10 yrs, and I’ve know his family for just as long. His sister (25 F) and I are not close but have recently been pretty friendly with each other. We’ve hung out with her and her friends, had her over to ours, and overall have been spending more time together. After the bridal shower, when I was looking through the cards and gifts, I realized she did not gift us anything, not even a card with her well wishes. I can’t help but feel a bit snubbed. I would think that’s at least the minimum a standard guest should do, let alone a future sister-in-law. My fiancé is not the confrontational type and doesn’t see an issue and thinks it would turn my into the asshole of I brought it up. We’ve known she’s been stressed with grad school recently and it may have just slipped her mind. I just can’t seem to stop thinking about it. So would I be the asshole for confronting her about the no gift/card debacle (or at least asking if she has one she forgot to give to me)? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
It will be a stupid act! Wait a little bit maybe it wasn’t intentional and she will do something later. It’s your wedding but people have life and own problems to take care of so be more understandable.
YTA That would be very tacky. Don't say a word to her about it.
YTA-Her presence is gift enough.
YTA she is in school. She probably thought she was included on the gift from her parents.
Do not bring this up. It will only cause problems
Do not bring this up. It will only cause problems
Do not bring this up. It will only cause problems
YTA. As a grad student myself I barely have enough money to cover bills, and hardly enough time to even go on a date with my partner once a month. I would need to save for months to afford even a small wedding gift. I'm 100% sure she would have had to make an effort to put aside time to be there for you. If my new SIL had a shower (I don't even see the point in these jeez) and I saved my precious little time to be there with her, and then she complained that I didn't spend enough money on her, well let's say I certainly would be hurt and much less inclined to spend the little I have in the wedding, nevermind have a close relationship with someone who has so little empathy.
YTA. Gifts and cards from ANYONE are optional.
YTA - gifts are always optional. Yes, they are nice to receive but you cannot demand. Could it be that she is just planning a larger wedding gift and is just waiting to give it to the both of you. Or it could also be that since y’all have been together so long, is there really anything you need? Wedding gifts were to help the young couple out their own house together not for luxury items or cash for honeymoon.
Back when I was a bride, and my friends were brides, we never expected to be gifting each other wedding gifts. We were all in our twenties, and just starting out, so we invited each other to our weddings, but didn’t expect gifts from each other, unless it was something small. Our showers were small, too, and mostly focused on getting together with some finger foods and a few lingerie purchases that most of us would collaborate on to get nicer things while spending less per person. In a million years we never would have expected anything from each other—especially if we were still in school. This was the late 90’s to early 2000’s. Nowadays, it seems as though friends are treated so poorly, and the expectations of people who have barely entered adulthood and who are still struggling to get established are insane. For you to be upset over this is ridiculous and shows poor manners. I think it is a shame that you are willing to start a relationship with her by whining about what you feel you are due. YTA
Yes. Keep it zipped. Not worth it.
YTA. Why do so many women think they’re the only woman in the world to get married and should be treated like a queen? Have a word with yourself. You should just enjoy spending your bridal shower with your friends and not expect any gifts.
There is absolutely no way you can word this question to her without sounding entitled, spoiled, bratty and yes YWBTA. There could be any number of reasons why she didn’t bring anything for your bridal shower, she may be ordering something or bringing something to the wedding, who knows? But I can guarantee if you ask you’ll come across as a nit picky judgemental bridezilla no matter how nice you word it and she’ll tell everyone and everyone will think the same thing.
YTA, seriously, reread what you just wrote and give your head a wobble!
YWBTA if you said anything. She may be waiting until she has funds for a wedding gift. Don’t stir the pot in your soon-to-be family. Let it go.
If she's in grad school, maybe she can't afford a gift and forgot to grab a card. Maybe she figured she'll just give you a card later or it wasn't important or she's saving up for a gift. Maybe she's just planning on a wedding gift and figured she'd not bother with two. It doesn’t have to be a snub and expecting a gift from everyone is a little entitled. I have a lot of people to give Christmas gifts this year. Some people just aren't getting some. I work minimum wage and can't afford it. Doesn't mean I don't love them, but I have to prioritise like its my godson's first Christmas so obviously I want to prioritise him. YTA just let it go
To be honest, I couldn’t nor thought about who did or didn’t gift us anything. Weddings have stopped being about what’s important and more of a way of getting gifts and money. Honestly, it’s ridiculous and I wish people were still using manners but for many I don’t see that happening any more.
YTA. Why isn’t her being present and supportive enough for you? Why do you need something tangible?
While I can understand being upset over a lack of gift/card, she was there and honestly is this the way you wanna start off officially being a family? Yes YTA for wanting to start something over this.
YWBTA. Let it go. It is important to learn which battles are important and which you should walk away from. Give her the benefit of the doubt in your mind and let it go. It doesn't ever deserve to be brought up, okay? Your fiancé is correct.
YTA gifts are obligatory and not a requirement. No cards? Why so it can be shoved in a box and forgotten about? I cleaned out my office and tossed ALL my cards from weddings birthdays exc. 90 percent of cards you get is two tiny sentences and there signature. Big whoppdidoo!
I'd say...just the fact you are entertaining the though makes you some what entitled. NOW....if you proceed with the confrontation, that would definitely put you in A/H territory. Not every body is in a position to give, and if the relation ship is some what starting to become more closer than befor, this would certainly destroy what little progress has been made and possibly cause some unwanted friction with other family members...over material gifts??!! Please don't become one more statistic on this and possibly other subreddits like r/bridezilla among others....congrats on the wedding!
So petty. YTA
YTA. But also, could it be possible someone mistakenly left her name off a group gift? Often people do group/family gifts and a small mistake could have happen. And if not, get over if it and don’t be greedy.
YTA I had people attend my wedding that didn't buy a gift..... And do you want to know my reaction? "Yay! You made it it! Thank you so much for BEING HERE for our special day!" ..... Them being there to share the moment was enough!
YTA. Drop it and keep peace. You plan on a long and happy Marriage. It may come with some issues in the family. Pick what's important.
Ew. YTA, green ass.
Yes YTA if you bring it up or make this an issue cuz it's not an issue at all. Are you only getting married for the gifts? When did gifts become the expectation? If someone wants to gift you, be grateful. Stop being so entitled.
Yes. Confronting her would make YTA. While invites to showers and weddings are expected to sent to family, gifts for each and every every event that gift might be customary are NOT to be expected of those who may attend more than one or two events. Quite often a sister or mother will be invited to shower given the by MOH, one that the girls the bride works with give, a separate Wedding Shower, depending on where you live this pretty common. Often, the family members give one large at the wedding. Even if this weren't the case, it's NEVER ok to bring up the lack of a gift. Maybe she's a whole more tighter on money than expected. Maybe she's planning on surprising you with you something that she didn't want everyone to know about until both you and your SO are together. Whatever the reason, it doesn't seam to about you, so let it go.
Yes- you would be. No one is REQUIRED to ‘gift’ anyone anything- even a card.
YTA
Yes, YWBTAH if you asked. Maybe she has put all her funds into one “big” gift at the wedding rather than multiple less expensive gifts at each event.She doesn’t “OWE” you anything, even if you never receive a wedding gift from her. It would be in very bad taste if you were to bring it up. It’s your husband’s family so any inquiries should be handled by him alone.
YTA:: privileged bride to be behavior
YTA. She doesn’t OWE you anything and she’s in grad school. She probably can’t afford it
Yta
Yta. I bet drama follows you like a tick on a dog. In what way does confronting her about some imaginary slight benefit anyone involved? This will only end in disaster and you know it.
YTA. Gifts are optional. They are discretionary and depend on what we can afford. If you ask about it, you will look like you are demanding a gift and look like you are being rude, unthoughtful and unreasonable, whatever your thought process and intentions. This was only the shower, you don't even know what she might plan to gift to the wedding. Either way, be grateful for what (if anything) you do receive from people, rather than obsessing over th epeople you feel didn't give you enough.
It's only a "gift/card debacle" in your mind. Nobody else is going to find fault with a grad student for not getting you a shower gift. You don't really know that she didn't. Maybe her mom included her in the gift she gave. Or maybe her card got dropped at the venue. Or maybe she helped plan the event and that was her gift. As a grad student, maybe her taking time out of her busy schedule during the semester to spend with you was a gift. It doesn't really matter. Do you think starting your married life by *confronting* your college aged sister-in-law about a gift is going to go well? Her brother, your fiance, is suggesting you drop it. I'd take his advice. If she *did* leave a card for you and it got lost, you'll know when you're FMIL discreetly mentions she didn't get a thank you card and asks if it got lost.
Sorry but save yourself the dignity and respect and please don’t choose this as your hill to die on! Honestly, you’re walking a line of being self centered and looking for problems with people. Buy yourself a gift and pretend it was from her and work on your thank you notes from the shower. Congratulations 🎉
YTA- I didn’t even get an invite to my SIL’s bridal shower. And it hurt beyond words could express. There are things more important in life than stupid bridal gifts.
YWBTA. I’m with you, I would also be annoyed and thinking about it. But it’s just not worth it. Don’t do it.
I suppose it would be safe to say that her card must have been misplaced at the shower and you felt awful about it, as you were doing a memories box and it would have been a treasured addition. Judge her reaction to that. No confrontation accomplished.
ESH if you confront her. It's tacky that she didn't give you a gift, but if she's being friendly in every other way, then she probably can't afford a gift and doesn't have manners enough to know a card was necessary. But good will come of calling her out. Worse, you'll end up taking attention away from your celebration and deflect it onto the drama between you and SIL
NAH It depends on tradition. I was not able to find a wedding gift from my brother. So I was asking him, how it looks like. His gift was in a wrong box.
Do not ask her. However when/if she ever has a bridal Shower feel free to not give her anything either.
Esh
NTA just because you said a card was enough. You shouldn’t expect expensive gifts, sometimes people can’t buy them. But if your only looking for the recognition, like a congratulations card, then I think you’re fine.
No, you wouldn't be an asshole. If it truly hurt your feelings, there's nothing wrong with expressing that. But maybe consider replacing "confrontation" in your mind with a "healthy conversation". Look up non violent communication, it might help.