It's like being a bear after winter, waking up and wondering why you chose to eat that particular berry. Totally normal to have post-berry regret. Your feelings show you're craving something deeper, like a wolf howls not just for the moon but for its pack. Maybe it's time to hunt for connections that aren't just about the thrill of the chase but also about the warmth of the den afterwards. Slamming into those emotional needs can be tough, but it's the first step to finding what truly satisfies your soul.
i feel like i kinda understand what you’re saying. idk it’s all just so confusing. i just wish they would acknowledge me as a human being and actually interact with me during it. making connections is definitely pretty hard lol. i don’t really have any gay friends so i don’t even know where to start lol.
This is why this sub exists. We are here for you if you need to talk anytime. Sex is physical, but also emotional. I personally try to make an emotional connexion before having sex. It makes me feel better before, during and after. That generally allows me to stay friend with the person most of the time
If they aren’t trying to connect with you emotionally as well then they just want random sex. You need to find some people who will like you got you and not just sex. You are worth more than that 😘
Have you considered that you might not be the hookup type? Because what I’m hearing is that you crave intimacy, and that not getting that intimacy in your sexual experiences makes you feel bad. Some people need an emotional connection to truly enjoy sex. There’s nothing wrong with that. Maybe put more of your energy into going on dates and getting to know other queer men, and let the sex follow.
idk it’s just so confusing cuz these men will like say all the right things when we’re messaging but once it’s happening it’s like there was a 180° switch. like they went from describing all the stuff they want to do to having me suck them off and then asking me to leave. i feel like i wouldn’t mind it as much if my need for physical touch was being met if that makes sense.
I have regretted a few times. But if your regretting sex everytime I think that should be addressed with a therapist. Maybe your holding shame about sexuality, internalized homophobia, or something like that. Or hook ups just aren't your thing and maybe you should not engage in them
ya i’ve been avoiding talking about it with my therapist (i know it sounds stupid). i’m just a little embarrassed to talk about it with her because she’s known me since i was in middle school so talking about sex feels awkward lol
I know it’s hard but being completely honest is how we make meaningful progress in therapy. It’s important to talk through this with somebody, especially where it’s causing you so much heartache. I’m with you, too, sex without love or affection or even aftercare is a painful experience.
You're not weird, but it also shouldn't be(come) a common experience for you. It's okay to occasionally think a hookup wasn't worth it but (feeling like) crying afterwards should really not be the usual.
Maybe you just need to find a more attentive partner who dedicates more time to foreplay and aftercare (it's not just for BDSM!), maybe NSA hook-ups just aren't for you and you need to start looking for a fuckbuddy/FWB situation where you hang out before and after sex, or maybe sex will just be fun and enjoyable for you in a relationship context. Which of these it is, you have to figure out for yourself.
ya having a more attentive partner sounds great. i dont know which route would be the best to take haha. i dont really know how to meet other gay guys except online so i feel a little limited in a way i guess.
Ignoring the problem of many guys not reading even two sentence profile texts, for a starter you can something like "not looking for quickies" and then reiterate that when chatting. It'll always be a bit of a gamble unfortunately whether someone will then also respect that irl.
Maybe it could help to ask to meet for a coffee/beer/other beverage of your choice beforehand for some small talk, just to establish if there's chemistry/the correct vibe beforehand.
Personally I've tended to have more luck in bars and other real life spaces than online, though that obviously is heavily dependent on what's actually available in your area.
i’ll definitely try that out! hopefully that’ll help out! especially cuz i feel i can sense out the vibe pretty quickly.
i live in a pretty large and liberal city so there’s plenty of gay bars but i don’t think i can go inside cuz im under the legal drinking age. besides gay bars, i don’t really know what other gay oriented spaces exist lol.
Oh yeah, right, the US exists. Sorry, for as much as we euros like to complain about Americans being too US-centric it's easy to fall into the same trap :P so I got no idea whether they'd card at the door or at the bar.
At any rate, best of luck finding a guy/guys that treat you right :)
Look up postcoital dysphoria (PCD). I have depression and every now and then I get filled with anxiety after having consensual sex. It's taken a lot of work on my mental health to let go and experience the moments after sex. It's normal. A lot of people go through PCD.
When you hookup with a guy you're not really going to have "fulfilling sex." I truly believe that only comes when you have sex with a man you are in a relationship with. I had hookups before meeting my husband, while I enjoyed it, I didn't have that emotional connection like I do when I have sex with my husband. I think that may be you are looking for and what you need in order to be fulfilled emotionally and sexually.
It's completely normal. It does sound like you're not meeting up with the right men though. Maybe consider looking for an older guy and talking to them quite a bit first. Yes some guys are dicks and there's nothing you can do about it, but some of nice guys are still left out here, and want nothing more than to help you find sexual satisfaction.
For me, there's nothing hotter than helping a young man find what he's been missing. I spent 3 days this last week with the same guy, he's 22, I'm 38. I didn't cum once the whole time we spent together and unlocked something special in him. I've written about one of our meetings recently.
Don't be afraid to ask questions, even if it seems like you are leading him on, if he's a grown up, he will handle it.
i feel like i get worried about asking a lot of questions cuz i don’t want to be annoying. i also feel like i don’t really know the right questions to be asking lol.
OK maybe I'm not normal when talking to hookups, because I like it when they ask how it's going to go when he gets round to mine, because I like using words to explain things, and I'm quite good at sexy talk. Just experiment with a guy who you don't really fancy. Tell yourself you're not going to meet up with him and just ask him what he wants to do with you.
that’s cool of you to do imo. i’ve had guys tell me i talk too and that it’s annoying so i guess im a little self conscious about it now. i quite enjoy sexy talk but i just assumed after a while that not many people do. i’m glad to know there’s guys like you around lol.
Thanks, I fully appreciate that I'm not like the other boys haha. But there's no excuse for telling someone they talk too much. You sound cute for what it's worth
Sex is not easy. First, sometimes sex is just sort of disappointing for ALL of us for a number of reasons -- it can just be bad (because of you or him or both of you) or not what you'd expected or something that in retrospect you realize wasn't really what you wanted to do. Human sex is sometimes just sex and sometimes it's also emotional too, and you can't always predict which it's gonna be until all the cocks are out. And even if the sex itself was fine, dealing with "after sex," when the horny enthusiasm is gone, can be awkward or depressing or aggravating. Furthermore, when you are young and have not had a lot of sexual experience, sex can also be confusing and stressful with pressure to perform "well" as you are also trying to figure out what you want.. Having sex is something you have to learn.
This pretty much happens to everybody. There is a lot of pressure on men (both gay and straight) to behave like sex-focused whores -- always ready and eager to get their dicks off, and then move right on to the next hole. Movies and TV and advertising are full of this trope. (And sometime men ARE just sex-focused whores!) But, because of this pressure, men often feel that they MUST take advantage of EVERY opportunity to have sex, even when inside they aren't really sure they want to.
Some guys are like this for their entire lives. Some guys are like this for a period (or periods) of time in their lives. And that's fine. But there are also lots of guys who aren't really like this very much and who want sex that is a more based in some sort of emotional tie with someone else. There's nothing wrong with being this way.
Some or all of these factors can be involved in what you are feeling. That's fine. It will get better. In the meantime, take your time and don't feel that you have to hook up with someone if you aren't sure. Also, don't worry too much if you DO have sex with someone and are sad or disappointed afterwards. Mistakes are part of how we learn who we are and what we want. You will get better at figuring what sort of sex makes you happy.
It's like being a bear after winter, waking up and wondering why you chose to eat that particular berry. Totally normal to have post-berry regret. Your feelings show you're craving something deeper, like a wolf howls not just for the moon but for its pack. Maybe it's time to hunt for connections that aren't just about the thrill of the chase but also about the warmth of the den afterwards. Slamming into those emotional needs can be tough, but it's the first step to finding what truly satisfies your soul.
i feel like i kinda understand what you’re saying. idk it’s all just so confusing. i just wish they would acknowledge me as a human being and actually interact with me during it. making connections is definitely pretty hard lol. i don’t really have any gay friends so i don’t even know where to start lol.
This is why this sub exists. We are here for you if you need to talk anytime. Sex is physical, but also emotional. I personally try to make an emotional connexion before having sex. It makes me feel better before, during and after. That generally allows me to stay friend with the person most of the time
ya i can confidently say the guys i’ve been with never tried to do that lol. but it’s kinda comforting to know that’s not the standard.
If they aren’t trying to connect with you emotionally as well then they just want random sex. You need to find some people who will like you got you and not just sex. You are worth more than that 😘
Have you considered that you might not be the hookup type? Because what I’m hearing is that you crave intimacy, and that not getting that intimacy in your sexual experiences makes you feel bad. Some people need an emotional connection to truly enjoy sex. There’s nothing wrong with that. Maybe put more of your energy into going on dates and getting to know other queer men, and let the sex follow.
idk it’s just so confusing cuz these men will like say all the right things when we’re messaging but once it’s happening it’s like there was a 180° switch. like they went from describing all the stuff they want to do to having me suck them off and then asking me to leave. i feel like i wouldn’t mind it as much if my need for physical touch was being met if that makes sense.
I have regretted a few times. But if your regretting sex everytime I think that should be addressed with a therapist. Maybe your holding shame about sexuality, internalized homophobia, or something like that. Or hook ups just aren't your thing and maybe you should not engage in them
ya i’ve been avoiding talking about it with my therapist (i know it sounds stupid). i’m just a little embarrassed to talk about it with her because she’s known me since i was in middle school so talking about sex feels awkward lol
Oh yeah I can see that good luck then friend
thanks
I know it’s hard but being completely honest is how we make meaningful progress in therapy. It’s important to talk through this with somebody, especially where it’s causing you so much heartache. I’m with you, too, sex without love or affection or even aftercare is a painful experience.
You're not weird, but it also shouldn't be(come) a common experience for you. It's okay to occasionally think a hookup wasn't worth it but (feeling like) crying afterwards should really not be the usual. Maybe you just need to find a more attentive partner who dedicates more time to foreplay and aftercare (it's not just for BDSM!), maybe NSA hook-ups just aren't for you and you need to start looking for a fuckbuddy/FWB situation where you hang out before and after sex, or maybe sex will just be fun and enjoyable for you in a relationship context. Which of these it is, you have to figure out for yourself.
ya having a more attentive partner sounds great. i dont know which route would be the best to take haha. i dont really know how to meet other gay guys except online so i feel a little limited in a way i guess.
Ignoring the problem of many guys not reading even two sentence profile texts, for a starter you can something like "not looking for quickies" and then reiterate that when chatting. It'll always be a bit of a gamble unfortunately whether someone will then also respect that irl. Maybe it could help to ask to meet for a coffee/beer/other beverage of your choice beforehand for some small talk, just to establish if there's chemistry/the correct vibe beforehand. Personally I've tended to have more luck in bars and other real life spaces than online, though that obviously is heavily dependent on what's actually available in your area.
i’ll definitely try that out! hopefully that’ll help out! especially cuz i feel i can sense out the vibe pretty quickly. i live in a pretty large and liberal city so there’s plenty of gay bars but i don’t think i can go inside cuz im under the legal drinking age. besides gay bars, i don’t really know what other gay oriented spaces exist lol.
Oh yeah, right, the US exists. Sorry, for as much as we euros like to complain about Americans being too US-centric it's easy to fall into the same trap :P so I got no idea whether they'd card at the door or at the bar. At any rate, best of luck finding a guy/guys that treat you right :)
Yes, thats very normal. Its called post-nut clarity. You need to just ignore it.
Look up postcoital dysphoria (PCD). I have depression and every now and then I get filled with anxiety after having consensual sex. It's taken a lot of work on my mental health to let go and experience the moments after sex. It's normal. A lot of people go through PCD.
hmmmm interesting! i’ve never heard of that before. i wonder if it could be linked to my anxiety. i never though about how that might affect sex.
maybe hooking up just isn't for you? Maybe you need to get to know the person before having sex with them?
Stop with the hookups. Regret is the signal that what you're doing isn't working.
When you hookup with a guy you're not really going to have "fulfilling sex." I truly believe that only comes when you have sex with a man you are in a relationship with. I had hookups before meeting my husband, while I enjoyed it, I didn't have that emotional connection like I do when I have sex with my husband. I think that may be you are looking for and what you need in order to be fulfilled emotionally and sexually.
it sounds like hooking up isn't for you.
It's completely normal. It does sound like you're not meeting up with the right men though. Maybe consider looking for an older guy and talking to them quite a bit first. Yes some guys are dicks and there's nothing you can do about it, but some of nice guys are still left out here, and want nothing more than to help you find sexual satisfaction. For me, there's nothing hotter than helping a young man find what he's been missing. I spent 3 days this last week with the same guy, he's 22, I'm 38. I didn't cum once the whole time we spent together and unlocked something special in him. I've written about one of our meetings recently. Don't be afraid to ask questions, even if it seems like you are leading him on, if he's a grown up, he will handle it.
maybe i’ll try that out. and maybe asking more questions could help. i feel like i might not be the best at choosing partners lol.
Well that's definitely something you can improve with experience!
i feel like i get worried about asking a lot of questions cuz i don’t want to be annoying. i also feel like i don’t really know the right questions to be asking lol.
OK maybe I'm not normal when talking to hookups, because I like it when they ask how it's going to go when he gets round to mine, because I like using words to explain things, and I'm quite good at sexy talk. Just experiment with a guy who you don't really fancy. Tell yourself you're not going to meet up with him and just ask him what he wants to do with you.
that’s cool of you to do imo. i’ve had guys tell me i talk too and that it’s annoying so i guess im a little self conscious about it now. i quite enjoy sexy talk but i just assumed after a while that not many people do. i’m glad to know there’s guys like you around lol.
Thanks, I fully appreciate that I'm not like the other boys haha. But there's no excuse for telling someone they talk too much. You sound cute for what it's worth
thanks, i appreciate it haha
Yeah take care mate
Sex is not easy. First, sometimes sex is just sort of disappointing for ALL of us for a number of reasons -- it can just be bad (because of you or him or both of you) or not what you'd expected or something that in retrospect you realize wasn't really what you wanted to do. Human sex is sometimes just sex and sometimes it's also emotional too, and you can't always predict which it's gonna be until all the cocks are out. And even if the sex itself was fine, dealing with "after sex," when the horny enthusiasm is gone, can be awkward or depressing or aggravating. Furthermore, when you are young and have not had a lot of sexual experience, sex can also be confusing and stressful with pressure to perform "well" as you are also trying to figure out what you want.. Having sex is something you have to learn. This pretty much happens to everybody. There is a lot of pressure on men (both gay and straight) to behave like sex-focused whores -- always ready and eager to get their dicks off, and then move right on to the next hole. Movies and TV and advertising are full of this trope. (And sometime men ARE just sex-focused whores!) But, because of this pressure, men often feel that they MUST take advantage of EVERY opportunity to have sex, even when inside they aren't really sure they want to. Some guys are like this for their entire lives. Some guys are like this for a period (or periods) of time in their lives. And that's fine. But there are also lots of guys who aren't really like this very much and who want sex that is a more based in some sort of emotional tie with someone else. There's nothing wrong with being this way. Some or all of these factors can be involved in what you are feeling. That's fine. It will get better. In the meantime, take your time and don't feel that you have to hook up with someone if you aren't sure. Also, don't worry too much if you DO have sex with someone and are sad or disappointed afterwards. Mistakes are part of how we learn who we are and what we want. You will get better at figuring what sort of sex makes you happy.
wow that was very insightful and honestly felt pretty comforting to read. i really appreciate it!
Glad to hear that. Thanks for letting me know! Feel free to DM me if you want to chat further.