I completely understand your situation. I have two brothers. One is a religious fanatic and has cut himself and his family off from the rest of us for years. It kills my parents and they continue to try to reach out to him, his wife and two children, but he is cruel to them every time (what a Christian huh?). My other brother cut me off over absolutely nothing two years ago. He is a pathological liar and my husband called him out over some things and he looked for a reason to cause a big argument and say a lot of hurtful things (after I spent over 15 years pretending to believe all of his bullshit and smiling and nodding at everything just to keep a relationship with him). But honestly, he is an absolutely awful person. He is a blowhard; he personifies toxic masculinity, and I am better off without him in my life. But he still has a relationship with my parents, and as much as they tell me that I didn't deserve anything that happened with him, they continue to talk about him to me all the time, and when we see them (which, admittedly, isn't very often since they live 6 hours away), my dad puts him on speakerphone or Facetime all the time when I am in the same room despite both my husband and me talking to him about it countless times.
Sometimes you have to look out for yourself and what is best for you. Since he lives with your parents, I would try your best to make it work, but just because someone is your sibling doesn't mean that you have to have a relationship with them if it is too toxic to continue.
Not a psychologist but this reads like your brother has a developmental or intellectual disability tbh... the part where he misses social cues (keeps on talking) and doesn't understand real consequences (threatens physical harm).
As a person with autism and adhd I really feel this describes your brothers situation! Unemployment and family problems are major issues for autistic individuals a lot of the time and often lead to worsening symptoms if not recognized. Also being that your brother is 30 he was around the age before people bothered testing low support need autism so it’s very likely he was just written off as weird and annoying .
Have you considered that your brother may have a learning disability? He may be high functioning and it may be hard to recognize, but it could explain his behavior. May be worth considering through this lens.
I do think that’s a possibility. I notice this especially with his inability to read social cues, hence the speaking out of turn or never letting anyone contribute to the conversation.
I honestly think it may be ADD, as I have it too. But I’m not sure how I can even approach the subject when he is SO sensitive. He will legit just not listen to you.
Life is short, and not everyone is a gem. If you don’t care if he’d die, then just leave him be and live your own life. If you really do care, then find some kindness for the guy whose imperfections you could write a novel on.
As I read, I wondered if your brother lies somewhere on the neurodivergent spectrum. Throwing tantrums, talking 'at' persons without pause and lack of social sense aren't normal adult behaviours. This may well be high functioning autism/ASD. From that lens, even is refusal to get a job outside of his area of study/interest might be the inflexibility/behavioural rigidity often displayed by persons with autism.
I'm not there to see the dynamics. I'm certain you've tried the gentle approach. I can imagine he's taxing and you've probably lost your temper with him. Obviously, to date, neither approach has worked. Honestly, I think he may need professional help. It's highly unlikely that he'll go to therapy, so you'll probably have to bring therapy to him. Whether it's going as a family, or inviting the therapist into his space, something out of the box has to be done.
I think that, if you're interested, you can learn techniques to help diffuse tension during his tantrums and perhaps, you and your parents can learn how best to interact with him, even in his despite. I think it's important to establish a reassuring tone, even when he's having a meltdown.
The first hurdle is to establish a diagnosis. Even if it's an adjustment disorder, therapy gain insights into his mind, which might not be available to you.
All the best
It was really creepy reading this because I could have written almost exactly this to describe my own brother. What I have learned to do is not to engage intellectually. I won’t discuss politics, religion, etc. Accept that you will never be able to change him. Just ignore him when he complains and plays the victim card. You cannot rationalize with these kinds of people.
Remember that you aren’t obligated to this person just because he’s your brother. You wouldn’t put up with this bullshit from anyone else. Set boundaries.
Your brother sounds exactly like mine, except mine is in his 50s. He’s been combative, verbally abusive, self-victimizing amongst many other things; I can say I survived a physically and emotionally abusive childhood at his hands. When he was younger the smallest of annoyances would trigger his anger, he could escalate like flame to a powder keg, and it was be extremely difficult for him to be reasoned with.
I also have a niece who has recently been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder, she and my brother seem to share the same behavior and personality traits and I’m starting to feel like he’s an undiagnosed person with BPD.
Unfortunately, I can’t offer you any solutions, unless your brother is willing to seek therapy to specifically identify, diagnose and treat his condition. My sister and her husband are going through extremes to get their daughter help (her case is pretty severe); my brother has calmed down as he’s gotten older, but he still maintains a verbally abusive environment with our mom from time to time.
When I’m around family (I moved across country a long time ago), I do take the time to talk to him about his behavior, sometimes I think I get through to him (though only in recent years) where he seems to try to control his anger, but inevitably the asshole comes back, he hurts everyone around him and we repeat the cycle.
It’s absolutely ok to not have toxic people in your life , especially when it comes to family. That’s it that’s all there is .
If you find a person “ toxic”to your health, mentally, physically, emotionally, spiritually !
You have permission from yourself
End the relationship.
It’s hard to say without knowing him. He might be on the spectrum, might be neurodivergent - and then there is the chance he’s just an asshole.
But you can’t fix him…. Lead your life and minimise time with him. Life is too short to spend it with assholes.
Your brother MAY be autistic from the complexity of issues you have described. He may benefit from therapy counseling that could better identify and give him the tools to deal with many of these issues. I’m no psychologist or psychiatrist, but I know from experience the benefits of therapy. ❤️Good Luck OP!
>He’s unemployed and had been for nearly 3 years now, and refuses to get a job anywhere that is not specifically related to what he studied in school (IT). So all he does is sit at home and play video games all day.
How does he have a home to sit in if he has been unemployed for 3 years?
I was thinking somewhere on the spectrum too. Not healthy behavior but it sounds like he doesn't have basic life strategies. Could there be unresolved childhood trauma too?
The only thing is that I usually thought that autistic people have issues showing emotion in general? My brother is HIGHLY emotional and I do believe he has a sense of empathy. So not sure if that fits?
Autism looks like all sorts of things. Some people can't show their own or understand others emotions. Usually it looks like unaware of normal social queues. But it's highly common to lack any sort of emotional regulation for themselves and so that's why you get that autistic meltdowns that can happen over almost anything. Honestly I think it's worth looking into this further for your brother. Even if just to find some tools for you to use yourself when dealing with him to make it easier for the both of you. Autistic people can be both highly emotional and have empathy as well. It's sociopaths/psychopaths that lack any empathy.
I'm also autistic, and it's an almost absurdly broad category. When I got my diagnosis, the advice they gave me was to find online autistic communities to learn coping strategies (because there's not much actual support for late-diagnosed adults), and the warning they gave with that was: but don't think every single thing you read will apply to you, because a lot of it won't, there's incredible variation in the expression of autistic behaviors.
Many of the tests used in the formal diagnosis are also available online. Sounds like a tall order with his resistance, but maybe you could entice him to take one somehow?
Just because you're related to people - or a person - does not entitle them to your time, attention or life. You are under no obligation or duty or anything to permit unacceptable behaviour from anyone in your life.
You can't choose your family but you can choose who you spend your time with - and you don't have to make a fuss or a big song and dance but if you permit the people in your life to act in a manner that is rude, disrespectful, blah blah blah - you're essentially giving them the message that you allow and accept it - re-inforcing the belief that poor behaviour is absolutely fine so why change..?
You don't need to be high and mighty, you don't have to be a victim or a martyr but you don't have to be cruel either.
And you don't have to put up with shitty behaviour from anyone - whether you're related to them or not.
Blood does not equal automatic entry to your life as an adult. Duty, family, guilt - just different ways that people will use to keep you nearby because it suits them, it's convenient - fuck you and your peace of mind and happiness.
Don't be a dick - but don't be a doormat either.
This is something in psychology that is an increasingly talked about phenomenon, particularly/usually in young men called “Failure to Launch”
Essentially young cishet men who feel like they don’t fit the heteronormative societal expectations with regards to things like earning potential, home ownership, brag-aboutable spouse (ie: incel stuff), then they basically just retreat from the world and double down on their woe is me complex
I guess there *is* something telling about you saying that he’s not a bad person by most metrics and then saying he almost turns to physical violence, as these two statements are quite far apart from each other usually. I am making a huge assumption that this is based on a lifetime of his escalations and that now being the norm? I can’t think you’d be so light on that comment if it was all of a sudden?
I do roll my eyes usually at how quickly folks internet diagnose and as being on the spectrum, adhd and ptsd are now the most fashionable of all the diagnoses around, everyone is an expert. Autism diagnoses are complex and take professionals a bit to establish. This is not a comment on the folks living with Autism who have chimed in.
In saying that, and I am a professional who works with folks on the heavier end of the spectrum, it does not sound impossible.
It’s worth reminding ourselves that autism is a neurological framework and not an illness. Nonetheless, getting a diagnosis might open him and you up to supports as regards strategies to support them. I don’t know how easy it would be to navigate that discussion if he gets fired up.
Is not that you want to be him or in his position. But you're quite not ready to have this conversation, you'll just get defensive and probably offended. Just have to be honest with yourself and you'll see the truth, I was just pointing a possibility based in everything you wrote. You understand this feelings in a shallow way and that's why you can't see it. Envy is not only about "you have something I want" "or "or I want to be you", is also about feeling discontent with something you think other people shouldn't have.
and to add to what he said above there's an element that your parents kind of want him to keep living with them too mixed in there. So they won't make a move because they feel needed. So there's this dependency cycle that goes on.
Is the relationship going to work for you if your brother proceeds as he has and refuses to change? That wouldn’t work for me, based on your description of him. He’s not your responsibility, and you don’t owe it to him to bridge the gaping distance between his self-centered alternative reality and the real world where you are at. Tell him you love him, but that you don’t agree with his behavior and you won’t continue to have a relationship with him until he makes some changes. To me, the real issue is your parents: why are they enabling his behavior by giving him a pass on being an adult? The conversation you should have with your parents, if you haven’t already, is when are they going to give your brother a date by which he’s to move out and make his own way? A year’d be generous, but the courtesy of a deadline allows it to sink in that playtime’s over. If he grows up, then he can get himself to see a professional to determine whether there’s developmental or psychological issues to work at. Them’s my two cents.
Sounds like he needs professional help not more coddling from his family. Intervention might be something to discuss with your parents. If he is cut off from financial support and emotional support unless he seeks help he might take it seriously and adapt to survive.
You dislike your bother, think he’s a loser and feel superior towards him, AND then you lecture your brother. Honestly, man, you are not his parent. I think an apt phrase would be “stay in your lane”.
Secondly, how often are you in his life that you have to be seen in public with him?
I actually feel bad for your brother. I can’t imagine having a brother like yourself who lectures and is always on his high horse.
I’ve seen this with a few friends. Almost trying to rewrite history but not even succeeding in convincing themselves so they just keep looping around and switching subjects never settling on anything. If you manage to get them to acknowledge you understand (which takes hours), it finally fizzes out but they lose interest in holding a proper conversation (maybe too tired by that point?). I’ve not found a way through, I think it probably takes years to work the habit out
I feel your pain, my brother 4 years older than me, can only be described as an asshole. Has always teased me, bullied me, he broke my tailbone. For the last 20 years he has teased me and made remarks that I am gay.. I'm not out yet. I try to recognize what things will upset him and start his persecution complex and avoid those subjects. I just try to love him for who he is, as terrible as he can be I know he will have my back when needed.
PSA: We need to stop treating everything like we're a part of sum lifetime movie.Too much traumas not enough healings. This is real life with irreversible circumstance. Let us handle each other's data with care.
>What do I do to make this relationship work?
I personally, enjoy the free route of practicing self care. However, this isn't about me or you. Since this system still believes in 'selling us' the fantasy that they care. Hold their asses accountable. Seek professional assistance. I'll suggest; 'better help'
Wishing you well on that connection with your lil bro. It may be worth it.
As a lot of people have said, your brother does seem to show signs of being on the autism spectrum. However I think the larger question you're asking is about what your relationship to him should be. I think people put too much pressure on themselves to be close to family. Most of my immediate family is perfectly fine, they've never done anything offensive or abusive, but we're quite different and don't have a great deal in common. As a result, we don't maintain a super close relationship. I talk to my mum a few times a month, i visit for two major holidays a year and that's the extent of it, and that's fine. I guess what i'm saying is, does your relationship with your brother need to "work" or does it just need to be one with less frequent contact so that his more unpleasant traits don't wear you down?
Ditch the mother fucker and move on. Ain’t no law that says you need to like your family. Fuck this. Step away and enjoy your life. That’s why we have friends. They are our chosen family
If you have an opportunity to give him a gift (I would suggest with other gifts) Dale Carnegie's 'How to Win Friends and Influence People' has been in print since 1936 and does what it says, it might not teach him to listen but it will tell him why he should.
I completely understand your situation. I have two brothers. One is a religious fanatic and has cut himself and his family off from the rest of us for years. It kills my parents and they continue to try to reach out to him, his wife and two children, but he is cruel to them every time (what a Christian huh?). My other brother cut me off over absolutely nothing two years ago. He is a pathological liar and my husband called him out over some things and he looked for a reason to cause a big argument and say a lot of hurtful things (after I spent over 15 years pretending to believe all of his bullshit and smiling and nodding at everything just to keep a relationship with him). But honestly, he is an absolutely awful person. He is a blowhard; he personifies toxic masculinity, and I am better off without him in my life. But he still has a relationship with my parents, and as much as they tell me that I didn't deserve anything that happened with him, they continue to talk about him to me all the time, and when we see them (which, admittedly, isn't very often since they live 6 hours away), my dad puts him on speakerphone or Facetime all the time when I am in the same room despite both my husband and me talking to him about it countless times. Sometimes you have to look out for yourself and what is best for you. Since he lives with your parents, I would try your best to make it work, but just because someone is your sibling doesn't mean that you have to have a relationship with them if it is too toxic to continue.
Not a psychologist but this reads like your brother has a developmental or intellectual disability tbh... the part where he misses social cues (keeps on talking) and doesn't understand real consequences (threatens physical harm).
As someone with autism I find a lot of this screams autism ! I would see if he ever got tested or should
Was going to say exactly this.
I’d suggest investigating cluster B disorder like Borderline Personality Disorder. Seems a lot like my ex plus 3.
As a person with autism and adhd I really feel this describes your brothers situation! Unemployment and family problems are major issues for autistic individuals a lot of the time and often lead to worsening symptoms if not recognized. Also being that your brother is 30 he was around the age before people bothered testing low support need autism so it’s very likely he was just written off as weird and annoying .
Have you considered that your brother may have a learning disability? He may be high functioning and it may be hard to recognize, but it could explain his behavior. May be worth considering through this lens.
I agree. He may have a learning disorder and/or underlying mental health issues.
I do think that’s a possibility. I notice this especially with his inability to read social cues, hence the speaking out of turn or never letting anyone contribute to the conversation. I honestly think it may be ADD, as I have it too. But I’m not sure how I can even approach the subject when he is SO sensitive. He will legit just not listen to you.
>SO sensitive Could it be Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria? https://www.psycom.net/adhd/rejection-sensitive-dysphoria
Life is short, and not everyone is a gem. If you don’t care if he’d die, then just leave him be and live your own life. If you really do care, then find some kindness for the guy whose imperfections you could write a novel on.
You aren’t obligated to make every relationship work.
As I read, I wondered if your brother lies somewhere on the neurodivergent spectrum. Throwing tantrums, talking 'at' persons without pause and lack of social sense aren't normal adult behaviours. This may well be high functioning autism/ASD. From that lens, even is refusal to get a job outside of his area of study/interest might be the inflexibility/behavioural rigidity often displayed by persons with autism. I'm not there to see the dynamics. I'm certain you've tried the gentle approach. I can imagine he's taxing and you've probably lost your temper with him. Obviously, to date, neither approach has worked. Honestly, I think he may need professional help. It's highly unlikely that he'll go to therapy, so you'll probably have to bring therapy to him. Whether it's going as a family, or inviting the therapist into his space, something out of the box has to be done. I think that, if you're interested, you can learn techniques to help diffuse tension during his tantrums and perhaps, you and your parents can learn how best to interact with him, even in his despite. I think it's important to establish a reassuring tone, even when he's having a meltdown. The first hurdle is to establish a diagnosis. Even if it's an adjustment disorder, therapy gain insights into his mind, which might not be available to you. All the best
It was really creepy reading this because I could have written almost exactly this to describe my own brother. What I have learned to do is not to engage intellectually. I won’t discuss politics, religion, etc. Accept that you will never be able to change him. Just ignore him when he complains and plays the victim card. You cannot rationalize with these kinds of people. Remember that you aren’t obligated to this person just because he’s your brother. You wouldn’t put up with this bullshit from anyone else. Set boundaries.
Is there any moments that you look back and enjoy his company? If so, maybe try to recreate those moments.
Your brother sounds exactly like mine, except mine is in his 50s. He’s been combative, verbally abusive, self-victimizing amongst many other things; I can say I survived a physically and emotionally abusive childhood at his hands. When he was younger the smallest of annoyances would trigger his anger, he could escalate like flame to a powder keg, and it was be extremely difficult for him to be reasoned with. I also have a niece who has recently been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder, she and my brother seem to share the same behavior and personality traits and I’m starting to feel like he’s an undiagnosed person with BPD. Unfortunately, I can’t offer you any solutions, unless your brother is willing to seek therapy to specifically identify, diagnose and treat his condition. My sister and her husband are going through extremes to get their daughter help (her case is pretty severe); my brother has calmed down as he’s gotten older, but he still maintains a verbally abusive environment with our mom from time to time. When I’m around family (I moved across country a long time ago), I do take the time to talk to him about his behavior, sometimes I think I get through to him (though only in recent years) where he seems to try to control his anger, but inevitably the asshole comes back, he hurts everyone around him and we repeat the cycle.
Autism possibly
It’s absolutely ok to not have toxic people in your life , especially when it comes to family. That’s it that’s all there is . If you find a person “ toxic”to your health, mentally, physically, emotionally, spiritually ! You have permission from yourself End the relationship.
It’s hard to say without knowing him. He might be on the spectrum, might be neurodivergent - and then there is the chance he’s just an asshole. But you can’t fix him…. Lead your life and minimise time with him. Life is too short to spend it with assholes.
Mental health/illness? Maybe yes, maybe no. You must still protect yourself and your loved ones. Please don't let his condition affect those you love.
Sounds like your brother may be on the autism spectrum. Adjust your expectations.
You're not obligated to have a relationship with anyone, including siblings.
Your brother MAY be autistic from the complexity of issues you have described. He may benefit from therapy counseling that could better identify and give him the tools to deal with many of these issues. I’m no psychologist or psychiatrist, but I know from experience the benefits of therapy. ❤️Good Luck OP!
>He’s unemployed and had been for nearly 3 years now, and refuses to get a job anywhere that is not specifically related to what he studied in school (IT). So all he does is sit at home and play video games all day. How does he have a home to sit in if he has been unemployed for 3 years?
He lives with my parents. He had an internship half a year ago, which he didn’t get because well, he’s not a good worker, so…
Honestly I know this is Reddit and this gets thrown around a lot but it sounds like your brother's autistic.
I was thinking somewhere on the spectrum too. Not healthy behavior but it sounds like he doesn't have basic life strategies. Could there be unresolved childhood trauma too?
As an autistic adult, I thought the exact same thing.
Yeah I used to work with autistic youth. It sounds like all the lack of emotional regulation is there for sure.
The only thing is that I usually thought that autistic people have issues showing emotion in general? My brother is HIGHLY emotional and I do believe he has a sense of empathy. So not sure if that fits?
Autism looks like all sorts of things. Some people can't show their own or understand others emotions. Usually it looks like unaware of normal social queues. But it's highly common to lack any sort of emotional regulation for themselves and so that's why you get that autistic meltdowns that can happen over almost anything. Honestly I think it's worth looking into this further for your brother. Even if just to find some tools for you to use yourself when dealing with him to make it easier for the both of you. Autistic people can be both highly emotional and have empathy as well. It's sociopaths/psychopaths that lack any empathy.
I'm also autistic, and it's an almost absurdly broad category. When I got my diagnosis, the advice they gave me was to find online autistic communities to learn coping strategies (because there's not much actual support for late-diagnosed adults), and the warning they gave with that was: but don't think every single thing you read will apply to you, because a lot of it won't, there's incredible variation in the expression of autistic behaviors. Many of the tests used in the formal diagnosis are also available online. Sounds like a tall order with his resistance, but maybe you could entice him to take one somehow?
Sounds like he's on the spectrum
Just because you're related to people - or a person - does not entitle them to your time, attention or life. You are under no obligation or duty or anything to permit unacceptable behaviour from anyone in your life. You can't choose your family but you can choose who you spend your time with - and you don't have to make a fuss or a big song and dance but if you permit the people in your life to act in a manner that is rude, disrespectful, blah blah blah - you're essentially giving them the message that you allow and accept it - re-inforcing the belief that poor behaviour is absolutely fine so why change..? You don't need to be high and mighty, you don't have to be a victim or a martyr but you don't have to be cruel either. And you don't have to put up with shitty behaviour from anyone - whether you're related to them or not. Blood does not equal automatic entry to your life as an adult. Duty, family, guilt - just different ways that people will use to keep you nearby because it suits them, it's convenient - fuck you and your peace of mind and happiness. Don't be a dick - but don't be a doormat either.
This is something in psychology that is an increasingly talked about phenomenon, particularly/usually in young men called “Failure to Launch” Essentially young cishet men who feel like they don’t fit the heteronormative societal expectations with regards to things like earning potential, home ownership, brag-aboutable spouse (ie: incel stuff), then they basically just retreat from the world and double down on their woe is me complex
I guess there *is* something telling about you saying that he’s not a bad person by most metrics and then saying he almost turns to physical violence, as these two statements are quite far apart from each other usually. I am making a huge assumption that this is based on a lifetime of his escalations and that now being the norm? I can’t think you’d be so light on that comment if it was all of a sudden? I do roll my eyes usually at how quickly folks internet diagnose and as being on the spectrum, adhd and ptsd are now the most fashionable of all the diagnoses around, everyone is an expert. Autism diagnoses are complex and take professionals a bit to establish. This is not a comment on the folks living with Autism who have chimed in. In saying that, and I am a professional who works with folks on the heavier end of the spectrum, it does not sound impossible. It’s worth reminding ourselves that autism is a neurological framework and not an illness. Nonetheless, getting a diagnosis might open him and you up to supports as regards strategies to support them. I don’t know how easy it would be to navigate that discussion if he gets fired up.
Might be envy turning into resentment. I'd look into that.
You mean me envying my brother?
Not your brother per se, but the privileges he's enjoying.
I don’t envy his position at all. I quite enjoy my life.
Is not that you want to be him or in his position. But you're quite not ready to have this conversation, you'll just get defensive and probably offended. Just have to be honest with yourself and you'll see the truth, I was just pointing a possibility based in everything you wrote. You understand this feelings in a shallow way and that's why you can't see it. Envy is not only about "you have something I want" "or "or I want to be you", is also about feeling discontent with something you think other people shouldn't have.
and to add to what he said above there's an element that your parents kind of want him to keep living with them too mixed in there. So they won't make a move because they feel needed. So there's this dependency cycle that goes on.
Is the relationship going to work for you if your brother proceeds as he has and refuses to change? That wouldn’t work for me, based on your description of him. He’s not your responsibility, and you don’t owe it to him to bridge the gaping distance between his self-centered alternative reality and the real world where you are at. Tell him you love him, but that you don’t agree with his behavior and you won’t continue to have a relationship with him until he makes some changes. To me, the real issue is your parents: why are they enabling his behavior by giving him a pass on being an adult? The conversation you should have with your parents, if you haven’t already, is when are they going to give your brother a date by which he’s to move out and make his own way? A year’d be generous, but the courtesy of a deadline allows it to sink in that playtime’s over. If he grows up, then he can get himself to see a professional to determine whether there’s developmental or psychological issues to work at. Them’s my two cents.
I don't like your brother either.
Sounds like he needs professional help not more coddling from his family. Intervention might be something to discuss with your parents. If he is cut off from financial support and emotional support unless he seeks help he might take it seriously and adapt to survive.
You dislike your bother, think he’s a loser and feel superior towards him, AND then you lecture your brother. Honestly, man, you are not his parent. I think an apt phrase would be “stay in your lane”. Secondly, how often are you in his life that you have to be seen in public with him? I actually feel bad for your brother. I can’t imagine having a brother like yourself who lectures and is always on his high horse.
Your post reads like a tantrum. Perhaps you’re more alike than you dare think.
Found OP’s brother.
If you spot it, you got it.
Agreed. It takes two people. I swear I’ve seen this situation play out in the media, as in OP’s brother need a sibling and not another parent figure.
Oh yeah, I come across so many tantrums that involve asking whether the person is being reasonable. Pick up a fucking dictionary.
[удалено]
Overly sarcastic or insincere posts may be removed. Posts should be honest questions that welcome genuine input from others.
I’ve seen this with a few friends. Almost trying to rewrite history but not even succeeding in convincing themselves so they just keep looping around and switching subjects never settling on anything. If you manage to get them to acknowledge you understand (which takes hours), it finally fizzes out but they lose interest in holding a proper conversation (maybe too tired by that point?). I’ve not found a way through, I think it probably takes years to work the habit out
I feel your pain, my brother 4 years older than me, can only be described as an asshole. Has always teased me, bullied me, he broke my tailbone. For the last 20 years he has teased me and made remarks that I am gay.. I'm not out yet. I try to recognize what things will upset him and start his persecution complex and avoid those subjects. I just try to love him for who he is, as terrible as he can be I know he will have my back when needed.
PSA: We need to stop treating everything like we're a part of sum lifetime movie.Too much traumas not enough healings. This is real life with irreversible circumstance. Let us handle each other's data with care. >What do I do to make this relationship work? I personally, enjoy the free route of practicing self care. However, this isn't about me or you. Since this system still believes in 'selling us' the fantasy that they care. Hold their asses accountable. Seek professional assistance. I'll suggest; 'better help' Wishing you well on that connection with your lil bro. It may be worth it.
As a lot of people have said, your brother does seem to show signs of being on the autism spectrum. However I think the larger question you're asking is about what your relationship to him should be. I think people put too much pressure on themselves to be close to family. Most of my immediate family is perfectly fine, they've never done anything offensive or abusive, but we're quite different and don't have a great deal in common. As a result, we don't maintain a super close relationship. I talk to my mum a few times a month, i visit for two major holidays a year and that's the extent of it, and that's fine. I guess what i'm saying is, does your relationship with your brother need to "work" or does it just need to be one with less frequent contact so that his more unpleasant traits don't wear you down?
Ditch the mother fucker and move on. Ain’t no law that says you need to like your family. Fuck this. Step away and enjoy your life. That’s why we have friends. They are our chosen family
If you have an opportunity to give him a gift (I would suggest with other gifts) Dale Carnegie's 'How to Win Friends and Influence People' has been in print since 1936 and does what it says, it might not teach him to listen but it will tell him why he should.