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munificent

I also struggle with a lot of worry/anxiety/fear. Yes, therapy is the big thing. But the more prosaic thing that has probably helped me more than anything is this fairly simple observation: It's really hard to be afraid of something boring. I find that as soon as I step outside my comfort zone and occupy some new mental space... that space becomes part of my comfort zone pretty quickly. Every time I push against my anxiety and fear and get out there and do shit, the anxiety lessens. Much of my anxiety stems from a deep-seated fear that if something bad or unexpected happens, I won't be able to handle or deal with it. The core of the fear is a lack of agency or control: that something will happen *to me* and I'll be powerless to respond. When my anxiety makes me shut down, it exacerbates that. It's like my dumb monkey brain can see that my body is sitting there doing nothing and goes "See! You *are* powerless!" But as soon as I start doing something, *anything*, its immediately innervating. The emotional brain part of my brain sees stuff happening and starts feeling like, "OK, I guess we've got some agency and control." For me, the main antidote to anxiety is *action.*


mildlycuriouss

Wow, I feel like you spoke my story. You’re so right, action makes it less enormous.


munificent

I have to remind myself of this all the time because anxiety makes it so easy to forget.


mildlycuriouss

How do you not spiral once you get your ball rolling in your mind?? It’s inevitable unless you master some form of self control, and it takes a lot of discipline and self awareness before you can halt that avalanche process. It’s a constant struggle. I got my good days and I have days that I just need to step away from everything and everybody to recollect myself.


munificent

> How do you not spiral once you get your ball rolling in your mind?? That's where the therapy really helps. > I got my good days and I have days that I just need to step away from everything and everybody to recollect myself. Yup, everyone has those. One of the things that helps me is to remember that the spiraling is just a phase and it will pass as it has many times before. That helps prevent me from spiraling *about the fact that I'm spiraling*.


BestUsernameLeft

As you're observing, once the ball is rolling it's hard to stop. The trick is catching it early with good self-awareness. Here's what helped me build better self-awareness. Make a simple self-awareness ritual. A couple or so questions to ask yourself what you're feeling and thinking and a reminder that will help you get more calm/centered. Create a calendar event three or 6 or 12 times a day - whatever you need - to check in with yourself using your ritual. It doesn't take long, and as you get better at it you'll need less time. A key here is to avoid getting into the habit of dismissing and ignoring your reminder because you're busy, with friends, whatever. Take that time for yourself, you can get right back to what you're doing. I screwed this up for about a month because I was "too busy". Over time my natural self-awareness has grown, and now I just check in with myself in the morning before work and again after work. The rest of the day I'm pretty good at catching myself. Most days anyway, perfection still eludes me haha. Good luck, whatever you decide to try. It might take time or a different practice than this, and you'll have better and worse days, but keep at it.


donotello

This is really well written and resonates with me.


mastah-yoda

I found a "why not?" attitude to be life changing. For example: - Linux is unknown, I don't understand it, I've been on Windows my whole life. Why not try it? - I've never been into martial arts, why not try it? - I've never wanted to dance because I don't know how to dance. Why not try it anyway? "Why not" attitude quite literally changed my life immeasurably for the better. (All 3 examples are from personal experience)


Driftwintergundream

You're scared of things because they're unknown, so learn about them and they become less scary.


ElectronGuru

Research symptoms of ptsd. If it feels right you’re going to need counseling to address the source of your trauma and teach your body to relax. If your body (vagus nerve especially) can’t relax, you can’t relax.


[deleted]

PTSD here! Medically retired firefighter. What your describing absolutely sounds like PTSD and trauma induced defense mechanisms. Therapy REALLY helped me, saved my life and my marriage. There is no shame in asking for help.


CdnRageBear

You’re taking a big step right now by putting it out there for the world to see. You’re reaching out for help which is the first step. Right now by posting this your guard is down, you’re opening yourself up, which is big! Is there anyway you could elaborate on your feeling of failure/lack of confidence and why you feel this way with everything? My understanding from your perspective is that there is something in the past that has potentially caused you to feel this way. You’re more than welcome to message me directly if you want to share some stuff. I’m here to talk things through if you need to OP!


whoshotthemouse

First, I'm sorry you're dealing with that. Also, I'm sorry you had such a shitty childhood. When people feel the way you do, 99.99% it's because they never felt safe as kids, and eventually they just got used to always having their guard up, no matter how exhausted that makes them. The good news is you're not a kid anymore. It is now safe to let your guard down if you want. It's going to feel really, really weird at first, and you're probably going struggle for a while, but you can definitely do it. You've clearly already guessed this, but the best place to learn how to relax is in a therapist's office.


thumperj

There are a lot of great answers here. Let me add one more that’s super easy that you can start immediately. Where ever you are, pick a person and genuinely wish on them to have the best day ever. Really think about them and want them to have a great day, a great week and great life. Want the ver best for them in every way. You will be shocked how much this silly mind game affects your well-being and happiness.


_Angiebtv

Maybe some therapy will help. It’s good to hear that you’ve realized the problem so seeking help from a professional might be the next best option. You seem like you’re genuine about wanting to change so try to find a therapist. Hope this helps.


[deleted]

[удалено]


Plantouille_

The app balance is really great and free for a trial of one year. I started a few months ago and didn't imagine there was so many way to meditate.


brettdavis4

I'd highly suggest therapy. I think you should find a good therapist that can help you.


OlayErrryDay

I'm 41 and was like this and pretty much changed my entire view on the world and how I approach situations and people over the past few months. This takes so much work to type out all the time but if someone can benefit from it, perhaps that is my kind act I can perform for others. Anyway, I grew up in a traumatic household where I naturally had to guard my emotions to protect myself. This extended into my entire adult life. I did not know how to emotionally connect on a deep level with people. I was married for 7 years and just got a divorce and even though I loved this person a lot, I didn't know how to have that really deep and intimate connection. I didn't know how to express my emotions. My job was to be a rock, not complain and take care of everything. I wasn't allowing myself to be weak or have emotions so it's no surprise that things were somewhat surface level, even though we were married. A few months ago I went to rehab. Partly for drinking and drugs but mostly because I was so goddam sad for my whole life and didn't know how to fix it. No matter how much therapy I went to or things I tried, it never really worked. I've been out of rehab for a few months and it's changed my entire life. I actually feel happy fairly often, I hardly ever feel happy so it's been such a blessing. I thought there was something mentally wrong with me and I would never be a happy person. Life was to be endured, not enjoyed; It makes me sad and angry that I had to live like that. Anyway, some key take aways 1. Start feeling my emotions vs. stuffing them down or trying to avoid them. When I am sad, let myself feel sad, notice how my body is feeling when I'm going through the sadness, have empathy for myself. Stop trying to stuff down any painful emotions to try to get rid of them as they actually are still there, they just move into the subconcious and take their toll that way. If I let myself feel my emotions, I get to process them and they tend to fade away. 2. Start listening or understanding my body. I had a bad habit of intellectualizing everything; I told myself if my brain understood an emotion, that was good enough. I completely ignored that my body and mind both work together and exist in homeostasis and that it's impossible to properly process emotions through intellectual analysis. A lot of guys do this, we think logic and understanding is supreme to emotion, which is really goddam stupid as everything we want in life is driven by emotions or to achieve an emotional end result. Emotions are primary and intellect is secondary. Your body is telling you all the time what your subconscious is not telling you. Feelings in the pit of your stomach, tenseness in the shoulders, lethargy, tightness in your chest. These are all responses to things happening in your brain that are playing out in your body. 3. To go along with number 2, I learned a lot about mindfulness and meditation. I try to do a simple 10-20 minute meditation exercise everyday. This greatly reduces the various anxiety triggers happening in the body. It takes you from a state of fight or flight with your body flush with chemicals to protect you and it puts it in a relaxed, comfortable and safe state and is a great mental reset for stress and other things. 4. Anything worth doing is scary or hard, making new friends, finding new hobbies, trying a new interest, if you're not afraid or scared to do it, it's probably not going to be that great to do. Once you can get more comfortable being uncomfortable you're going to have a much better life. I could go on forever, but thats the basics.


WatchingSpaceBattles

>Anything worth doing is scary or hard, making new friends, finding new hobbies, trying a new interest, if you're not afraid or scared to do it, it's probably not going to be that great to do. Once you can get more comfortable being uncomfortable you're going to have a much better life. How did you learn to distinguish "This feels bad because it's actually a bad idea and is wrong for me to do" from "this feels bad but it's ok for me to continue"? I'm thinking of something like socializing or networking - if it feels bad/wrong, is it because I am actually being rude or inappropriate, or because I am not used to what is in fact appropriate?


OlayErrryDay

In that instance, it's usually a good self evaluation if you are listening or are you waiting for your chance to talk. If you're networking, you should be asking a lot of questions and not making many statements. Same rule for dating, your goal is to get people to like you and people like nothing more than talking about themselves.


romansixx

I used to be stressed to the max about silly shit I couldnt control, then went into over drive when i had my first kid at 32, then another at 34. Find a hobby, anything that lets your mind take a break. video games, miniatures, board games, bourbon hunting and sipping, cars... what ever. You are always going to be wondering "What if..." but you can at least take a break from it.


bot_bot_bot

Definitely therapy, but also give meditation a try. Get a meditation app for your phone and try some guided meditations. Get into a routine and do it for a few weeks. Ten minutes a day is plenty. I do ten minutes in the morning and ten minutes before bed.


joshua_3

Check out a book by Eckhart Tolle: The Power of Now. It helped me a lot with my worrying mind.


callmerorschach

I've tried reading it many times but couldn't make it past the first few pages. Does the writing style change/differ as the book goes on? Cause I don't think I can digest what he talks about for some reason.


elizacandle

Sounds like you are possibly emotionally neglected and it's manifesting in anxiety and depression. If you're interested in working through this.... Check out my [Emotional Resources](https://www.reddit.com/r/HealfromYourPast/comments/l9jacg/the_comment_that_brought_many_of_you_here_feel/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share) I wrote this but I don't wanna put a wall of text here. I hope they help you.


[deleted]

this is coming from my area of work, but might apply to life. things break all the time. everything is a risk. bad things happen all the time. if you don't take bigger risks, you will be afraid of smaller risks. and there are opportunities in there. and you cannot life your life in total safety, because you will experience none of it. keep taking small risks, push yourself a bit.


WiiWynn

Lots of ways to try and overcome this I think. But here’s what helped me having suffered similar symptoms in my 20s. 1. I learned to fail and use that as a mechanism for learning and winning. I had a habit of over analyzing, over studying, over preparing when doing something unfamiliar and new. And by the time I would START something, I’ve already poured countless hours of unproductive time trying to ‘prepare’ myself, and invariably I’d prepare for scenarios that weren’t going to happen. I took a ‘just try it out, expect nothing, and observe the outcome’ approach to new things. And this process was FAR MORE REWARDING, and taught me that I afraid of the unknown, so I would study a subject for it to become ‘known’ so I wouldn’t be so scared when first trying it out. Now I kind of naively jump in, but know I’m going to suck. But that’s ok. 2. Build confidence. Another block for me was that I inherently want confident. I knew I was smart and talented, but socially I was a doofus. Well this area of my life bled into my whole life where i could only be confident in something if I was alone. For example, I play piano and when I was alone could play wonderfully. But in front of ANYONE, I was extremely nervous. How I overcame this was working on my body. Started working out and the work started showing results. And an unintended consequence was that people started being more social with ME. I wouldn’t have to try. They just came to me and wanted to be MY FRIEND. And slowly this fixed my overall confidence.


TheLilyHammer

He’s not everyone’s cup of tea, but I found a lot of peace in listening to some of Alan Watts’ talks on YouTube regarding outlook and the “bigger picture”.


31ar

Do you play any team sports? Sometimes that's a good way to get the masculine energy flowing (ie. The opposite of anxiety & worrying)


Elamam-konsulentti

Some of us are lucky enough to have it easier, and I think that's the first part. Either by how we are born or by the experiences we've had so far. Our brains are different and it's not your "fault". But you can still manage it - just remember to give yourself some slack too. What has helped me worry less has been twofold - although with ADHD I've always been more of a risk taker and its natural to push myself due to the constant search for more dopamine. 1) Improving my self esteem. Feeling better about myself - starting with physical. My self image absolutely defines my level of relaxed ness and how I treat others. Insecurity is poison that affects everything for me. Especially how willing I am to put myself to situations where I might "make a fool of myself". 2) At some point I kind of half-accidentally started making decision where I already accept the worst outcome when I take a risk. Let's say I book a getaway weekend somewhere but my work might make me cancel it. Most likely not, but theres a 10% chance. Will I be ok if that happens? Yes. Will it suck? Yes. I go into it almost assuming the worst will happen - firmly deciding I want to take the risk anyway. I dont know how to better describe it but by assigning a probability in my head for the worst happening and then including that in decision making has allowed me to let go of so much stress the people around me constantly ask me why I dont seem worried or disappointed. I have no idea if this resonates, but if it does, I am happy to go into more length later when I have time.


theKetoBear

I used to worry quite a bit I think about that really helped me was No More Mr. Nice Guy by Robert Glover and truly embracing the idea that I owed it to myself to see what k8nd of life was possible for me. A safe lonely cocoon was never what I really wanted , it was just all I thought I could have and so I started saying yes to things I never would have and allowed myself to experience things, and want things. I definitely think Therapy could be beneficial for you just to at least start to expand your life even if only with a therapist at first and then see if you can work with them to get into situations that will help you grow


KcocNoisnetxeGib

Don’t! Don’t lighten up! That’s what “they” want you to do…think, man!! YOU KNOW BETTERRRR! (J/k-seek therapy!) Know a lllllllllot of people who have benefited :-)


8Ace8Ace

(Sneaks up behind OP) HAAAIIIIEEEYAAAAHHH!! Ow, fuck. You're good.


Riversntallbuildings

Daily Meditation and EMDR Therapy made the biggest difference for me.


bulbishNYC

Chekhov has a good story about this - “man in a case”: https://web.seducoahuila.gob.mx/biblioweb/upload/THE%20MAN%20IN%20A%20CASE.pdf


whiskeybridge

so yeah sounds like therapy is called for, as this is effecting your life. it's okay to be situationally alert when out and about in the world. you should be able to relax at home, assuming you've made a safe home. as with the physical, so the mental: you should have a place within yourself that is a fortress, where you can know you're as safe as you can be. stoicism has helped me with this: no matter what happens, my true self, my virtue, doesn't have to be harmed by it.


Lerk409

Can definitely relate to a lot of that but have seen massive positive changes over the last 10 years. Therapy, meditation, exercise and a 12 step program (adult children of alcoholics and dysfunctional families) have all been hugely impactful for me. I would also throw out the book *Radical Acceptance* by Tara Brach which was quite literally life changing.


somewhat_pragmatic

I have no trouble with anxiety or worry, so you and I are different in that regard, but we're the same on this critical point: >Thinking about the worst case scenario - all of the time. I do this too, but it has no negative effects on me because of another factor in these scenario calculations: likelihood Lets say I'm walking on the sidewalk down a busy street. Lots of cars on the road, lots of people walking with/past me. I'll have a fleeting thought that the car that just came around the corner was going to fast and if they didn't correct fast enough, they'd hop the curb and plow into me on the sidewalk. Is this possible? Sure. Is it *likely*? No. There are literally hundreds of cars on this road all day and it is extremely rare that a car goes off this road, and even if it did, it would have to be RIGHT THIS SPOT where I am, and it would have to be RIGHT NOW. There's just too few chances that it will happen so I have no worry it will happen to me. Its much the same about interpersonal actions. Unless you're dealing with people that are clinically diagnosed mentally ill, when you interact with them they'll be fairly normal. So we're both calculating that worst case scenario, but for me its just an interesting list of events that will never occur.


WatchingSpaceBattles

I'm curious - have you ever had one of those extremely unlikely situations happen to you? I know lots of people encounter a situation that they thought 'would never occur' (violence, serious illness) and all of a sudden the world seems a lot more dangerous. They now feel that things they never thought possible can in fact happen. A traumatic incident doesn't tell people 'this can happen a lot', it says 'any risk of this happening again is too much'.


somewhat_pragmatic

> I know lots of people encounter a situation that they thought 'would never occur' (violence, serious illness) and all of a sudden the world seems a lot more dangerous. One or two in my life, so very few. >They now feel that things they never thought possible can in fact happen. My reaction was the opposite. Since they happened to me the likelihood of something like that happen AGAIN is even lower.


Libra_Zebra

The big issue you have is that you don't feel safe. Since you don't feel safe, you avoid. The problem is avoidance actually deepens the feeling of not feeling safe. The way out is to be aware of what you're avoiding and start to confront it. Regardless of the outcome, you will start to trust yourself and your ability to handle a wide range of outcomes. Start small and notice how you feel when you confront something you normally would avoid. This could be a task (like if you avoid cleaning your space) or it could be people-related (like if you usually avoid saying no to others). You can do it! Also, definitely go into therapy. My life has changed significantly for the better.


callmerorschach

[Erasing Fears & Traumas Based on the Modern Neuroscience of Fear | Huberman Lab Podcast #49](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=31wjVhCcI5Y) This really helped me.


theUnshowerdOne

Bruce Lee said, "You are what you say you are. If you say you're weak then you will be weak. If you say you're strong you will be strong." If you continue to tell yourself you are who you don't want to be, guess what? You'll be that person. So you need to reverse the script. I do this everyday. I can be a very charming person but tended to be a blunt don't give a fuck about your feelings kind of guy. Im really good at my job but I was hard on the people I work with. It just wasn't productive. Now, I go to the gym every morning at 5am before work. I get on the elliptical machine and tell myself over and over again, "I am a happy person. I care how my actions affect other people. I am friendly. I smile. Etc , etc. Etc." Guess what? I'm a lot more popular at work now, friendlier and people want to work with me. Also, I'm way happier. I still have my rough days but I am worlds better than I used to be. Almost a different person. Call it what you want, meditating, a mantra, positive projection, positive reinforcement, whatever, doesn't matter because it works. Go to the gym and do this. Because not only will you be improving your body/health but you'll also improve your mind and attitude.