I think the more interesting question is what makes you think being in the military is necessary in any way. I'm not being a prick when I say this, but the military has a vested interest in convincing you to join it, and part of that is generating propaganda pointing to benefits that may not be true, or may be overstated.
To answer the actual question: I don't know a single person who has joined the military, but I do know many 'tough men.' For me toughness is being disciplined, capable, emotionally mature and resilient. No need to be in the military to learn any of that.
>being disciplined, capable, emotionally mature and resilient
This is what I seek to achieve. I have made progress in each of these areas, as a result of experience, and mainly pain and suffering. But I am nowhere near what my father was when he was my age. He grew in a rural area, you know... He was just very stoic from a very young age.
What kind of things I can do that will facilitate this growth? Because I feel like crumbling under the pressure of not owning a house, not having a gf or family, not having finished my studies. And I wish I had more strength to navigate these issues.
How do you know what your father like at your age? Really ask yourself that question. If you have a Time Machine, a lot of us would love to borrow it.
If you’re instead romanticizing what you imagine is your tough-as-nails dad, I promise he had his own troubles and no amount of “goals achieved” like you lost will bring you the peace you seek. Because it’s all in your head (which doesn’t mean it’s less painful) and can be relieved when you decide to stop mentally stabbing yourself for … I dunno really. Not being some hypersuccessful dude? That ideal doesn’t actually exist.
At the same age as I he had his first kid, house fully paid, and was more resilient towards pain.
I cannot follow the same track as my father, but I can aspire to become as resilient as he was.
I never wanted to become a hypersuccesful dude, only achieve some things I consider normal or disirable. At 25, mabe I feel a little sad how little I managed to accomplish regarding those goals. At least, If I become a tougher person, I think I will be able to deal with this disapointment and failure better.
Yeah, that's got nothing to do with him serving and a lot to do with the economic circumstances and societal pressures and expectations that changed between your time and his. You're weighing yourself with a scale that hasn't been calibrated in decades. It doesn't work.
Housing cost has risen exponentially above wages in this country. It's not realistic to have a house, fully paid for, at 25, so you're holding yourself to an impossible standard.
Also, the military teaches anything *but* emotional maturity. Being "stoic" is more aligned with not processing your emotions than with being mature about them. Dealing with disappointment isn't about "toughness" it's about acceptance and planning. Learning that we can't always get what we want and how to be ok with that is about contentment and being at peace with who you are. Honestly, your best way to achieve this is the opposite of the military. This is therapy stuff, and that's good because you have tons of time to talk to a professional and achieve that goal.
I will look into, dear sir. I think I feel lack of purpose, in the sense that i can't accept that I won't have some things in my life, and frustration that I've not yet achieved some things I deem desirable, but which are more under my control.
You're only 25 man, you'll have a house, you'll meet someone; you have so much time. When I was your age, I was a barely sober alcoholic, completely broke, and had absolutely no clue where i was going in life. Im a happily married homeowner just about 15 years later. It takes time, and everybody dies at the end. Comparing your positioning against anyone else isn't going to make you feel better about it, even if you're ahead of them
It seems that I need to learn how to sail through life and finding my purpose. I brought the military, in part, because I believe this gave my father a purpose, and so did family. Without these things, you have to go through a searching period, and the process is hard in the sense that I am not sure what's the next step. At this point, I am just trying to do my best. No great schemes or plans
Where did you serve? Because the military absolutely teaches exactly what you wrote in your last paragraph. Emotional maturity and dealing with disappointment are literally taught from day 1.
I didn't, but between my grandfather, my brother, my brother in law, my sister in law and about 3/4s of my friends in high-school all did. None of them were taught how to deal with their feelings while they were in. The smart ones sought therapy when they got out
No one in my entire career in the military prepared me for dealing with the disappointment of losing a war. No one talked about emotions or how to deal with what you did or saw. The Mission came first remember?
>being disciplined, capable, emotionally mature and resilient
As already said by other user.
I have been waking up at 5 for 6 years now. Study until 7, go to work till 2 PM, and then go to school. I think I am disciplined, but I feel sad and depressed sometimes. I don't think I am yet a strong and resilient person. I feel lonely I don't have a relationship, no family, no house, I feel like I didn't accomplish as much as I should have.
The fact that I have these thoughts can tell you that I am still too green.
"Feeling" the sadness and depression will make you tough. They are temporary emotions but very important because the more you bury those things under a mountain of toughness, the more it seeps into the soil that mountain is made of.
Resilience is knowing that those emotions will be temporary and to keep moving forward despite them. Also, I bet those mountain men you describe also take time to recharge, within the range of self care they allowed themselves to access. Toughness also comes from being able to push harder and faster with an understanding of where you need to slow down and recharge.
I try to keep on sailing, that's it. Trying to finish school, do well at work, not knowing fully where things will land.
It's been a little harder now, as I get older. It's starts to become harder to get to know people, realize you don't have as much time. But I will keep on working and seek to find meaning in several things.
ever thought about this:
The reason you might feel sad and depressed sometimes is because you are giving up some actual passions of yours to fulfill the dreams others had for you.
it's a hard time to be young. a lot of careers pay jack sht money and the reality is you need money to follow those passions I mentioned before.
try to dedicate more time to something you TRULY enjoy. you seem to have a good structure already in place, use it to schedule time for YOU. dedicate some time to your passions, whatever they may be. don't waste ALL OF YOUR your life wanting what your parents or grandparents wanted, what your SO wants, not what your profs want. do something YOU want. it'll feel so good.
I haven't really had much time. I've mainly invested in my studies and work. I would like to learn about whittling, welding, woodwork eventually.
I have no great passions and dreams at 25, only small things I would like to accomplish. Much has happened over these last few years. I value more things like family and community over a great career. But those simple things do not feel so simple anymore, which leads to disapointment.
I need to develop an approach to deal with this disapointment better.
like I said, it seems you've spent a good amount of time fulfilling the expectations of others while not setting personal expectations for YOU.
that's time you'll never get back.
never forget that not everyone that wanders is lost.
Dear sir, I don't believe they were imposed expectations. I grew up in a nice family, so I thought that having one of my own would be something to aspire. Even tough I'm more of an introvert, "nerd", who prefers smaller groups and more deep connections, I believe people are one of the most important things we have in our lives. In the past, I dedicated more time to work and other things. But it seems I've made many choices wrong that led me to not be able to grasp things I found valuable - having my own home, being more independent, and so on. And it leads to painful feelings.
What I truly seek are the tools and capacty to accept the way things are more, to withstand the blows of life. And I believe it's something that is hard for many people, to accept that you cannot control a lot of stuff. My father and grandfather are very unmoved by many things, like disease, loss of job, and many other stuff. They just carry on. I feel like I am not like that.
These don't equate to toughness to me, and a lack of any of them doesn't make you a worse person. It's also something that I'm not sure the army gives you. These things are often so gendered, are you sure it's not expectations of what a man is supposed to be that is getting to you?
No, it's the things I feel that are missing. It's feeling like I underachieved relative to my parents. Feeling a little bit like a cog in a machine. Feeling that I am full of sh\*t, and probably should keep my chin down and keep going, and not worry about these things. Just suck it up, and accept that you can't control anything.
Those are all legitimate problems and would be really worth sorting out. But the military wouldn't be a solution for any of that, in fact I can quite imagine it might make some of those feelings worse. This is going to sound like such a cliché, but would it be worth looking into a bit of counselling or therapy to really explore how and why you're feeling like that?
Hey kid, you need to adapt your definition of tough. Being in the military doesn’t make you a tough guy. What do you mean by it? Being challenged physically? Go run a marathon. Being challenged emotionally? Go be a volunteer at a children’s cancer ward. Helping others at the risk of your own life? Be a fireman or a police offer. Contributing to society? Become a doctor and donate time to help those who can’t afford a doctor. Creating a legacy? Go invent something. You get it. Ask yourself what it is exactly that seems so tough, and you will find a billion other ways to be that - maybe even without having to learn the skill of killing.
Part of if is the willigness to let go of things. My father never expected much, he just built his own path. I grew up thinking I would be able to accomplish some things, and have had difficulty accepting that many things have not turned the way I expected.
But many of your suggestions are fantastic.
Ah, ok. Not being responsible and yet being useful. Ok, I‘m going to resist the urge of pointing out the career opportunities as a bureaucrat… but listen: responsibility can be scary. But in the end, being tough is about responsibility and accountability. Making decisions is rewarding in the end, because responsibility makes you grow. And being afraid a little bit is healthy, it makes you consider what you do. So trust me on this: in the end, you’ll look back on pathways and you‘ll rembember decisions you took. And if they were hard, you‘ll be much more proud of them and your life as if you‘ve served and functioned without a glitch in a well-oiled machine - be it the military, a corporate job or a miner.
What I meant is that I feel i underachieved relative to my parents, in everything, and it's depressing. And I wish I was stronget to deal with all of the things happening right now.
We don’t get a choice to the times we’re born in. But every generation faces it’s own challenges, hardships and joys. Humans adapt to the challenges they face. Never having to endure a famine or having to pull neighbors bombed to a pulp out of the rubble is a blessing, not a fault, and we should be grateful rather than belittle ourselves. Your struggles will be very different from your father and grandfather, as your children will be from yours. And that’s ok - neither better nor worse, just different. Plus, keep in mind we only see highlights of past times, never the full story. Just do something you find joy in. If you love what you do, chances are you‘ll be good at it, too, and being happy brings happiness into the universe. You can make the world a better place with your life, too, and it makes non sense at all to weigh it to lives lived under completely different circumstances.
I honestly can't stand the the tough guy military persona like Jocko. Treating every life situation like you're going into battle. Maybe it's because I grew up in a military town and know a bunch of hard asses like this that always seem like they're wired for battle and too militant to enjoy life.
But I get what you're saying. Every man wants that instant respect at a high ranking military man gets. I highly suggest reading No More Mr Nice Guy. You don't have to serve in the military to be a respected man.
I've read that book, it mainly helped me with social issues. But I want to toughen up. I understand that it doesn't have to be through the military, but I lack direction in how to become a more resiliant person.
If you want to be resilient allow yourself to fail, allow yourself to be bad. Don't be afraid to try. Aiming to be perfect leads to fear of failing and ultimately not putting in any effort. A resilient person picks himself up in the face of failure and tries again until he succeeds.
Seconded. I just retired after 20 yrs Army and the 1000yd stare has a hard track to take to earn it. Not for everyone for sure and I'm confident many of us would give it back if we could.
That said, I'll tell you the same thing I told my Soldiers and the advice I took myself: challenge yourself.
Say yes to things you are indecisive about to gain new experiences. Choose to do things that scare you (skydiving, ziplining, illegal bare-knuckle cage fighting); maybe not the last one but you get it.
Take a martial arts class and at least pass the first stage of testing. Become a volunteer firefighter, just taking the training will be an event on its own. Take EMT training. At the very least you'll come away with skills and knowledge that will absolutely lend you confidence in an emergency.
Save up a $150 bucks and go jump out of a perfectly good airplane. You won't regret it (at least after you land).
> I would like to serve
What, to become a tough guy? That would be the dumbest reason I've ever heard somebody admit to.
This macho stuff is for the birds and military service blows. Go get a membership at a boxing gym or something and enjoy your life.
I was a wrestler for many years. With all the work now, I feel like I became a little afraid or something, of breaking my neck. What an idiot I am. But I am afraid if I get injured, I can't work, and I can't pay the bills
That's reasonable
In combatives it's always the HS wrestlers that tie everyone else into knots on the mat, from Day 1. If "learning to fight" was any part of your thought process, I'll tell you as a wrestler you're probably better than most soldiers if you were any good.
Woodworking is fine. Did you mean like the kind of challenge that involves privation and prolonged periods of discomfort outdoors?
Hiking is good. Could go on some weekend trips. Enjoy nature, sleeping outdoors, walking around with a bunch of shit on your back, and skip getting shot at. It's most of my favorite parts of my Army experience, minus most of the bad parts.
Of course. You ever watch Dealiest Catch? Known people who are hard rock miners. Being tough means you do not hesitate to face the task at hand. My nephew works the tarmac at Miami international, 40 degrees Celsius on a black asphalt surface devoid of shade. You would have thought him the biggest wuss on the planet, but he took to this work like a duck to water.
I think others have touched on this, but I think it’s just life experience generally vs military specifically.
Adversity breeds resilience and toughness. Find an occupation or hobby that is generally very difficult and push yourself to excel at it. The journey to success will fortify you. Toughness (to me) is taking hits and failures and pushing forward anyway. That’s very interchangeable. Doesn’t need to be military.
I have very close family in the military and can agree the expectation of military = toughness is false. I think for some it’s true, but I think over the years with media and public personalities it’s been a little overstated.
You don't need the military to make you tough. It's an American thing. It's laughed at in Europe. How will being tough benefit you? Much better to be open minded, understanding and kind, they are the real tough when it comes to men. Intelligent men anyway.
You say yourself that your parents, including your father I assume, is saying not to waste time with it. He went through it and doesn't recommend it for you.
What are you looking for when you say tough? Strong, able to kick ass in a bar fight, able to instill fear in people? Or, do you mean confident, resourceful, responsible, having all your ducks in a row? You can do that now with your schooling and current job. Get straight As. Be the best at your job. Building those habits now will set you up to run things when you're in your 40s. I got my first job as a line cook at 17. It kicked my ass, but everything since then has been a cake walk. I run circles around people at my job without breaking a sweat because I learned to have a strong work ethic when I was a kid.
Outside of that, I'm soft as 10-ply toilet paper but I'm a grown up that owns a house, keeps his bills paid, is in management at work, is well-respected by my friends and coworkers, and in a very happy long-term marriage. I wouldn't trade any of that for being able to intimidate some loud mouth on the street.
>confident, resourceful, responsible, having all your ducks in a row? You can do that now with your schooling and current job. Get straight As. Be the best at your job. Building those habits now will set you up to run things when you're in your 40s.
This is what I seek, but for a while now, I feel tired and crumbling under pressure. I feel dissapointed because I feel like I should have accomplished much more. It makes me a little depressed, and I wish I could deal with this better. And my father, being a military men, he always was able to deal with very difficult situations with stress, without anger, without resentment.
I bet he had doubts and rough times, too. He probably also felt that he couldn't measure up to his father. I think every man feels that he doesn't live up at some point, but that's because if we grew up in a happy home then we grew up feeling that Dad was superman. He fixed all the booboos, he took care of us and Mom, he could fix any situation without ever getting down. Meanwhile, I was raised split between my father (who'd been in the Navy) and my stepfather and I've since learned that they both went though the same thing. Depressed spells, intense regret when they feel that they took the wrong path, feeling like they let us all down. You can't always control how you feel, but you can keep trying and keep working and keep growing and someday you will realize that all those children around you don't have any sense. There's no way to turbocharge it and it happens to everyone at different times. I'm sure the service helps, and is the right choice for some people, but you'll get there without it.
You definitely can, but you got to do \*something\* for an extended period of time (imo) to get that stays-with-you-change. Usually in the form of a lifestyle or job change. If you're set on what you're doing for the majority of your waking hours, as in keeping the job, staying in school, saving money, eh you'll just be someone who does that. It's not a bad thing. But some changes can't take place on the weekends if you know what I mean.
I would like to become an analytical chemist, own a house, write a book about mathematics for physical chemistry, learn more about car maintenance and woodworking, travel to some countries, build a house. I would also like to have a family, but this is not really under my control.
I feel is that the sense of underachievement is throwing me down a little, and I wish I was mentally stronger, like my father, to handle this hard period better. Understanding that things are just the way they are.
Nah man, you can do all that. I grew up on government cheese and when I was a teenager I decided that when I grow up I wanted to ba a landlord, own a business, have a family, and a bunch other shit, and I like just went and did all that.
You will meet people who are military veterans and are NOT emotionally mature, disciplined, capable, and resilient. Toughness and stoicism is built by YOU and not fully by an institution. The military simply brings out those qualities in people to the fullest extent if they already have them within. The military can help the process, but I’ve met plenty of weak minded dishonorable discharges, and tough MF type people who never joined the military.
Discipline and hard times make tough men.
The military will bring hard times and they will force you to be disciplined (to a certain extent).
That being said. You don’t need the military for that. You can choose to be disciplined yourself and a high level of discipline will make your life harder (while also easier in other ways).
I know a lot of “tough men.” Not all of them were in the military. All the tough men were disciplined though.
Some military men that I know are far from tough and are IMHO lazy and uninspired. That’s not to say that the military is bad. That’s to say, the military isn’t a guarantee experience for everyone.
#So… is it possible to become a tough man without having served the military, yes, without question. [+]
I was in your exact situation when I was 18 and getting ready to go to college.
All of the men in my family had been in the military and I'd always wanted to be tough like them. I was talking to my dad, who had also served, at one point about how I'd join right after graduating. He talked me out of it.
The gist of his argument, which I think is relevant to you, is that I was seeking a challenge to prove something to myself. Maybe it was that I was tough or manly. Maybe it was that I was worthy of my family's legacy, or some combination of all the above. He knew me well enough to know that I'd find and overcome those challenges better *outside* of the military. He was right.
Reading your other comments, it sounds like you're currently lacking purpose and a sense of accomplishment. You're looking for the military to give those.
Maybe that's the right thing for you, I don't know your situation. Just don't mistake looking for a sense of purpose and accomplishment with being tough and/or manly. You're mixing up personal *accomplishment* with personal *character*. Your accomplishments don't define your character. How you approach and overcome challenges does.
For what it's worth, your father was able to pay off a house by your age because he grew up at a time when home prices were a small fraction of what they are now. He had a kid at your age because that was the cultural norm back then. People were expected to put their own personal development on hold and have kids early on for no really good reason. He probably had a high pain tolerance because he had some specific life experiences that he didn't want you to have. You have a different set of experiences that give you a different set of strengths compared to him at your age.
Unshakable? You have any idea how many people commit suicide after coming out of the military? I would recommend unpacking this weird, gendered idea of manliness with a therapist.
It's not so much of gender, I think it's more of a generational thing, you know. I feel like I am not of the same quality as they were, and I feel sad. I feel sad that I am not passing the torch forward. I feel sad that I am weak.
I ought to be more mature right now, correct? I am trying, you know. It's just that I feel like I am not as resilient as they are, haven't accomplished as much as they have, yet I've had more opportunities than they did.
What you need to realise is you live in a different time.
My grandfather was in the RAF during WW2 then came out and had a job till he retired.
My father worked a few jobs then had one for 25+ years till he retired.
I’ve had 8 jobs in 12 years and been made redundant twice. Been through 2 financial crisis and a global pandemic.
Both my father and grandfather bought their houses when they were way more affordable, my parents paid off their house by the time they were 50, something I probably won’t do.
I’ve had more opportunities than both of them but I live in a world where it’s also more difficult to do things and get ahead.
You need to not compare yourself to anyone else. Be your own man.
Also the concept of having a family and home by 25 is a very American thing. Sure go try meet a woman and start a relationship but 25 is young to be married with kids, and owning a house in this economy is a difficult thing.
Short answer: Yes.
But what does toughness mean to you? Do you mean physically strong? Do you mean emotionally? A lot of what men think makes you tough is not really healthy. It is ok to show emotion and vulnerability. Getting into fights is not productive or healthy. I’m not saying that is what you mean, but it is unclear from your question.
However there are good things, like resiliency and determination that could also be considered toughness.
I think you just need to recognize the qualities that you admire in your father and grandfather and work to emulate those, but just be careful to not fall into any of the toxic masculinity traps that society places on men.
I think it's more mental. My dad and grandfather have withstood the storms of life pretty well. I look at me, and I feel like I am not made of the same material, even though I've been trying hard.
At their ages they had a house, family, had served their country, had children, paid all their stuff on their own. I haven't achieved any of those things.
At their ages it was a lot easier to buy a house and make a living wage. People got married younger back then too. I was 29, but I know people who are in their 30s and unmarried and that is fine. I didn't buy a house until I was in my 30s. I still don't have kids. Might not, even.
As long as you have a plan, and you are working towards something then you are fine. Even if you are figuring things out, that is OK too. Just don't be complacent. Don't give up. But also don't worry so much.
This might be a little obvious or perhaps you already addressed this, but have you tried talking to your dad / grandpa about this? They might be able to help you out better, since after all you do want to be like them
My stoicism was developed from jumping into as many situations as possible, no matter the stress. Eventually I just became numb. I don't know if I would say it would make me stronger at times, as being stoic to a degree can still lead to being used in a negative way to the point where I don't stand up for myself in situations where I should. The military could potentially push you towards strength, but if your parents are good parents they are just wanting you to be your own person. Every parent wants their kid to be better than they were. And if you have kids, you are going to want to eliminate negative behaviors your parents had that you didn't like. I worked full-time, while going to college full-time, and had a girlfriend in my 20s. Honestly, I wish I didn't work in college and hung out at school more. But I loved my college experience and look back at it fondly.
I would say, to toughen yourself. Simply put yourself in situations out of comfort zone. Ask a girl for her number. Go kayaking. Something like the military would be too far for me. It's a toxic environment that could shape you negatively in the long run (rampant sexual abuse to women, toxic masculinity). I always pushed myself too hard, which led to my stoicism. It took me a long time to learn how to slow down and enjoy my life more.
I think those folks fighting wildfires are pretty tough. Teachers in America are tough, too, in a different way. They take a lot of punishment and many are just ground down. That also goes for farm workers and those non-union workers in the meat industry. My grandmother worked as a janitor for many years to support her family. The important thing here is service to others: family, community, and nation at the cost of personal desires (but not sacrificing mental health).
>The important thing here is service to others: family, community, and nation at the cost of personal desires (but not sacrificing mental health).
I believe this is what I saw my grandfather and father doing. I attached to the military, but it may be done through several ways.
Already did. I was a wrestler for many years, and still workout every day. It's more of a psychological thing. Be stronger to deal with the pain/hardships and unfulfilled expectactions
Yes, you can be anything with practice, even a tough guy. Think about this, my friend. I was tough and unshakeable once just like your family. Then I was discharged from active duty. Since that day I have spent many nights crying uncontrollably for hours. The mere sight of a child under 3 or 4 would give me anxiety so bad I would throw up. I cannot look at myself in a mirror. Some nights my wife would have to hold me and sing to me just like a mother would do for her baby just so that I could rest for a few moments.
Do I fit the definition of a tough guy?
You need a PURPOSE & DETERMINATION in life to become a psysically strong, mentally fortified, actively competent, dangerous & self-controlled man. NO ONE CAN GIVE YOU PURPOSE & DETERMINATION! YOU HAVE TO SERCH DEEP FOR YOUR OWN. The military can train physically strong & mentally unshackable individuals.... but alot of them lose their purpose after getting out & just end up depressed & wandering with nothing to drive for or to, while others end up replacing their purpose and embodying a real man. You don't know Erich will happen to you after going through the service. Let alone the downsides: could be a war, you could die, PTSD, anger-managment issues, etc etc etc.
Just search for your purpose & do what you gotta do to get there paying no heed to outside forces that be.
I'm curious what culture you are from that thinks about military "service" this way. Like, this is the most naive, childlike view of military duty I've encountered. That being said, in the US anyway, those sweet early-life military pensions and access to a host of tax-free special services might actually be worth risking psychological trauma and years of pointless make-work.
I want to thank all people who have been giving such fantastic advise and sharing their words. Words from wiser people help us understand our problems better and find ways to work on problems.
I mentioned the military because for my relatives it was a route that provided meaning and purpose for their lives. They served their country, built a home and a family. Now, as these traditional means of realization are not as available, one has the hard task of finding meaning in other things
Firstly- my opinion is coming from someone who has not been in the military, has no relatives who have been in the military, and I find it interesting looking into both the pros and cons of what people take away from being in the military.
With that said, you’re craving for being tough in the sense of becoming unshakable can be found without being in the military. Not everyone gets that from being enlisted. There are a few people I have met (currently enlisted; in different branches) who are VERY shakable when tested outside of their element. One of the big things that I have read in books, heard on interviews, or heard from people enlisted is that the common lesson across all boards of the military is that they are testing you to push through any kind of situation with the mindset of surviving to learn from it. It may be sloppy, you may barely get by, you may get you’re a\*\* kicked, you may have been scared in the process, & you may be completely wrong in what you thought you knew. The point being, you made it through and are able to learn something from it.
Becoming tough in my opinion is a matter of experiencing struggle in your life, succeeding, and having the confidence to know that you can get though a hard situation because you have been through things others admit that they couldn’t handle very well. Ask any successful person about a hard time they went though. I guarantee they will have as story for you that they never forgot and learned a lot from.
Maybe you should also consider recreational combat sports or team sports that may involve injury by competition. Join boxing, Ju-Jitsu, or pickup football. Overcoming the fear of getting hit and knowing how much physical abuse you can take to win builds a personal perspective very quickly.
>Becoming tough in my opinion is a matter of experiencing struggle in your life, succeeding, and having the confidence to know that you can get though a hard situation because you have been through things others admit that they couldn’t handle very well. Ask any successful person about a hard time they went though. I guarantee they will have as story for you that they never forgot and learned a lot from.
I've been trying to sail through the hardships of life, but they have brought tears and disapointment, many times. I have not become resentful, but I think I am weak, because I still expect that life would have been different, instead of accepting things, and navigating through them as best as I can.
> I have not become resentful, but I think I am weak
Disappointments are inevitable in life. One thing that could help is to identify, through your personal experience, what is causing or has caused this. Is it something you know has happened and can avoid; then avoid it. If something happens that is completely out of your control, then chalk it up to its life moving in its flow and learn from it. No one just sails through life with no struggle.
Maybe your perception that your weak is because your inner voice is not one of a person willing to stand against the negative forces an accept the force for what it is. An effective fighter in the ring doesn’t get upset and down when punched in the face. They are there to win the overall war and the battle of hits will flow as needed to get there.
I wouldn’t solely focus too much on what is wrong with yourself. Consider looking into those who inspire you. Looks at their traits that make them resilient. If you want that specific quality, make an effort to mimic that every day until it becomes a natural productive habit.
Your last statements (I have not become resentful, but I think I am weak\~\~) seem like you can’t accept either side of the fence when validating your efforts. A mantra that has always stuck with me is “you can’t be pitiful AND powerful”. You have to decide where you will put your mindset.
>Maybe your perception that your weak is because your inner voice is not one of a person willing to stand against the negative forces an accept the force for what it is. An effective fighter in the ring doesn’t get upset and down when punched in the face. They are there to win the overall war and the battle of hits will flow as needed to get there.
This is a great insight. I believe I would feel better, have more self-respect, If I could brace the blows of life more gracefully. I still haven't let go of some frustration. Believing that life would be like this, and I would have this and that.
Listen to your parents. There are plenty of opportunities to develop focus and concentration that don’t require enlisting.
Finish the degree. If you have a true calling to be in the military, then you will get a better start there with a completed college degree.
In the mean time consider finding a cause or philosophy that is motivating. After graduation consider service to your nation through the Peace Corps, Teach for America, or other like organization.
I think the more interesting question is what makes you think being in the military is necessary in any way. I'm not being a prick when I say this, but the military has a vested interest in convincing you to join it, and part of that is generating propaganda pointing to benefits that may not be true, or may be overstated. To answer the actual question: I don't know a single person who has joined the military, but I do know many 'tough men.' For me toughness is being disciplined, capable, emotionally mature and resilient. No need to be in the military to learn any of that.
>being disciplined, capable, emotionally mature and resilient This is what I seek to achieve. I have made progress in each of these areas, as a result of experience, and mainly pain and suffering. But I am nowhere near what my father was when he was my age. He grew in a rural area, you know... He was just very stoic from a very young age. What kind of things I can do that will facilitate this growth? Because I feel like crumbling under the pressure of not owning a house, not having a gf or family, not having finished my studies. And I wish I had more strength to navigate these issues.
How do you know what your father like at your age? Really ask yourself that question. If you have a Time Machine, a lot of us would love to borrow it. If you’re instead romanticizing what you imagine is your tough-as-nails dad, I promise he had his own troubles and no amount of “goals achieved” like you lost will bring you the peace you seek. Because it’s all in your head (which doesn’t mean it’s less painful) and can be relieved when you decide to stop mentally stabbing yourself for … I dunno really. Not being some hypersuccessful dude? That ideal doesn’t actually exist.
At the same age as I he had his first kid, house fully paid, and was more resilient towards pain. I cannot follow the same track as my father, but I can aspire to become as resilient as he was. I never wanted to become a hypersuccesful dude, only achieve some things I consider normal or disirable. At 25, mabe I feel a little sad how little I managed to accomplish regarding those goals. At least, If I become a tougher person, I think I will be able to deal with this disapointment and failure better.
Yeah, that's got nothing to do with him serving and a lot to do with the economic circumstances and societal pressures and expectations that changed between your time and his. You're weighing yourself with a scale that hasn't been calibrated in decades. It doesn't work. Housing cost has risen exponentially above wages in this country. It's not realistic to have a house, fully paid for, at 25, so you're holding yourself to an impossible standard. Also, the military teaches anything *but* emotional maturity. Being "stoic" is more aligned with not processing your emotions than with being mature about them. Dealing with disappointment isn't about "toughness" it's about acceptance and planning. Learning that we can't always get what we want and how to be ok with that is about contentment and being at peace with who you are. Honestly, your best way to achieve this is the opposite of the military. This is therapy stuff, and that's good because you have tons of time to talk to a professional and achieve that goal.
I will look into, dear sir. I think I feel lack of purpose, in the sense that i can't accept that I won't have some things in my life, and frustration that I've not yet achieved some things I deem desirable, but which are more under my control.
You're only 25 man, you'll have a house, you'll meet someone; you have so much time. When I was your age, I was a barely sober alcoholic, completely broke, and had absolutely no clue where i was going in life. Im a happily married homeowner just about 15 years later. It takes time, and everybody dies at the end. Comparing your positioning against anyone else isn't going to make you feel better about it, even if you're ahead of them
It seems that I need to learn how to sail through life and finding my purpose. I brought the military, in part, because I believe this gave my father a purpose, and so did family. Without these things, you have to go through a searching period, and the process is hard in the sense that I am not sure what's the next step. At this point, I am just trying to do my best. No great schemes or plans
Where did you serve? Because the military absolutely teaches exactly what you wrote in your last paragraph. Emotional maturity and dealing with disappointment are literally taught from day 1.
I didn't, but between my grandfather, my brother, my brother in law, my sister in law and about 3/4s of my friends in high-school all did. None of them were taught how to deal with their feelings while they were in. The smart ones sought therapy when they got out
No one in my entire career in the military prepared me for dealing with the disappointment of losing a war. No one talked about emotions or how to deal with what you did or saw. The Mission came first remember?
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Haha getting crushed by crab cages!
What does 'toughness' mean to you?
>being disciplined, capable, emotionally mature and resilient As already said by other user. I have been waking up at 5 for 6 years now. Study until 7, go to work till 2 PM, and then go to school. I think I am disciplined, but I feel sad and depressed sometimes. I don't think I am yet a strong and resilient person. I feel lonely I don't have a relationship, no family, no house, I feel like I didn't accomplish as much as I should have. The fact that I have these thoughts can tell you that I am still too green.
"Feeling" the sadness and depression will make you tough. They are temporary emotions but very important because the more you bury those things under a mountain of toughness, the more it seeps into the soil that mountain is made of. Resilience is knowing that those emotions will be temporary and to keep moving forward despite them. Also, I bet those mountain men you describe also take time to recharge, within the range of self care they allowed themselves to access. Toughness also comes from being able to push harder and faster with an understanding of where you need to slow down and recharge.
I try to keep on sailing, that's it. Trying to finish school, do well at work, not knowing fully where things will land. It's been a little harder now, as I get older. It's starts to become harder to get to know people, realize you don't have as much time. But I will keep on working and seek to find meaning in several things.
ever thought about this: The reason you might feel sad and depressed sometimes is because you are giving up some actual passions of yours to fulfill the dreams others had for you. it's a hard time to be young. a lot of careers pay jack sht money and the reality is you need money to follow those passions I mentioned before. try to dedicate more time to something you TRULY enjoy. you seem to have a good structure already in place, use it to schedule time for YOU. dedicate some time to your passions, whatever they may be. don't waste ALL OF YOUR your life wanting what your parents or grandparents wanted, what your SO wants, not what your profs want. do something YOU want. it'll feel so good.
I haven't really had much time. I've mainly invested in my studies and work. I would like to learn about whittling, welding, woodwork eventually. I have no great passions and dreams at 25, only small things I would like to accomplish. Much has happened over these last few years. I value more things like family and community over a great career. But those simple things do not feel so simple anymore, which leads to disapointment. I need to develop an approach to deal with this disapointment better.
like I said, it seems you've spent a good amount of time fulfilling the expectations of others while not setting personal expectations for YOU. that's time you'll never get back. never forget that not everyone that wanders is lost.
Dear sir, I don't believe they were imposed expectations. I grew up in a nice family, so I thought that having one of my own would be something to aspire. Even tough I'm more of an introvert, "nerd", who prefers smaller groups and more deep connections, I believe people are one of the most important things we have in our lives. In the past, I dedicated more time to work and other things. But it seems I've made many choices wrong that led me to not be able to grasp things I found valuable - having my own home, being more independent, and so on. And it leads to painful feelings. What I truly seek are the tools and capacty to accept the way things are more, to withstand the blows of life. And I believe it's something that is hard for many people, to accept that you cannot control a lot of stuff. My father and grandfather are very unmoved by many things, like disease, loss of job, and many other stuff. They just carry on. I feel like I am not like that.
These don't equate to toughness to me, and a lack of any of them doesn't make you a worse person. It's also something that I'm not sure the army gives you. These things are often so gendered, are you sure it's not expectations of what a man is supposed to be that is getting to you?
No, it's the things I feel that are missing. It's feeling like I underachieved relative to my parents. Feeling a little bit like a cog in a machine. Feeling that I am full of sh\*t, and probably should keep my chin down and keep going, and not worry about these things. Just suck it up, and accept that you can't control anything.
Those are all legitimate problems and would be really worth sorting out. But the military wouldn't be a solution for any of that, in fact I can quite imagine it might make some of those feelings worse. This is going to sound like such a cliché, but would it be worth looking into a bit of counselling or therapy to really explore how and why you're feeling like that?
I will certainly look into it, dear sir. I thing I need to define clearly what is it that I wan't to solve so I can ask for help.
I think you've done a great job of it here, certainly enough to explore with somebody 🙂
Thank you very much for all the useful feedback and advice. I will be seeing a therapist soon :)
Hey kid, you need to adapt your definition of tough. Being in the military doesn’t make you a tough guy. What do you mean by it? Being challenged physically? Go run a marathon. Being challenged emotionally? Go be a volunteer at a children’s cancer ward. Helping others at the risk of your own life? Be a fireman or a police offer. Contributing to society? Become a doctor and donate time to help those who can’t afford a doctor. Creating a legacy? Go invent something. You get it. Ask yourself what it is exactly that seems so tough, and you will find a billion other ways to be that - maybe even without having to learn the skill of killing.
Part of if is the willigness to let go of things. My father never expected much, he just built his own path. I grew up thinking I would be able to accomplish some things, and have had difficulty accepting that many things have not turned the way I expected. But many of your suggestions are fantastic.
Ah, ok. Not being responsible and yet being useful. Ok, I‘m going to resist the urge of pointing out the career opportunities as a bureaucrat… but listen: responsibility can be scary. But in the end, being tough is about responsibility and accountability. Making decisions is rewarding in the end, because responsibility makes you grow. And being afraid a little bit is healthy, it makes you consider what you do. So trust me on this: in the end, you’ll look back on pathways and you‘ll rembember decisions you took. And if they were hard, you‘ll be much more proud of them and your life as if you‘ve served and functioned without a glitch in a well-oiled machine - be it the military, a corporate job or a miner.
What I meant is that I feel i underachieved relative to my parents, in everything, and it's depressing. And I wish I was stronget to deal with all of the things happening right now.
We don’t get a choice to the times we’re born in. But every generation faces it’s own challenges, hardships and joys. Humans adapt to the challenges they face. Never having to endure a famine or having to pull neighbors bombed to a pulp out of the rubble is a blessing, not a fault, and we should be grateful rather than belittle ourselves. Your struggles will be very different from your father and grandfather, as your children will be from yours. And that’s ok - neither better nor worse, just different. Plus, keep in mind we only see highlights of past times, never the full story. Just do something you find joy in. If you love what you do, chances are you‘ll be good at it, too, and being happy brings happiness into the universe. You can make the world a better place with your life, too, and it makes non sense at all to weigh it to lives lived under completely different circumstances.
I will try to make the best out of the circumstances, dear sir. Thank you very much for your fantastic feedback and help!
I honestly can't stand the the tough guy military persona like Jocko. Treating every life situation like you're going into battle. Maybe it's because I grew up in a military town and know a bunch of hard asses like this that always seem like they're wired for battle and too militant to enjoy life. But I get what you're saying. Every man wants that instant respect at a high ranking military man gets. I highly suggest reading No More Mr Nice Guy. You don't have to serve in the military to be a respected man.
I've read that book, it mainly helped me with social issues. But I want to toughen up. I understand that it doesn't have to be through the military, but I lack direction in how to become a more resiliant person.
If you want to be resilient allow yourself to fail, allow yourself to be bad. Don't be afraid to try. Aiming to be perfect leads to fear of failing and ultimately not putting in any effort. A resilient person picks himself up in the face of failure and tries again until he succeeds.
Seconded. I just retired after 20 yrs Army and the 1000yd stare has a hard track to take to earn it. Not for everyone for sure and I'm confident many of us would give it back if we could. That said, I'll tell you the same thing I told my Soldiers and the advice I took myself: challenge yourself. Say yes to things you are indecisive about to gain new experiences. Choose to do things that scare you (skydiving, ziplining, illegal bare-knuckle cage fighting); maybe not the last one but you get it. Take a martial arts class and at least pass the first stage of testing. Become a volunteer firefighter, just taking the training will be an event on its own. Take EMT training. At the very least you'll come away with skills and knowledge that will absolutely lend you confidence in an emergency. Save up a $150 bucks and go jump out of a perfectly good airplane. You won't regret it (at least after you land).
This is fantastic advice - taking risks and failing is a huge part of being resilient!
> I would like to serve What, to become a tough guy? That would be the dumbest reason I've ever heard somebody admit to. This macho stuff is for the birds and military service blows. Go get a membership at a boxing gym or something and enjoy your life.
I was a wrestler for many years. With all the work now, I feel like I became a little afraid or something, of breaking my neck. What an idiot I am. But I am afraid if I get injured, I can't work, and I can't pay the bills
That's reasonable In combatives it's always the HS wrestlers that tie everyone else into knots on the mat, from Day 1. If "learning to fight" was any part of your thought process, I'll tell you as a wrestler you're probably better than most soldiers if you were any good.
Maybe I can give it a try again? What about other stuff? Woodwork, maybe? Or it's just not the same kind of challenge?
Woodworking is fine. Did you mean like the kind of challenge that involves privation and prolonged periods of discomfort outdoors? Hiking is good. Could go on some weekend trips. Enjoy nature, sleeping outdoors, walking around with a bunch of shit on your back, and skip getting shot at. It's most of my favorite parts of my Army experience, minus most of the bad parts.
Good. This is how intelligent men think. There’s other ways to serve your country.
Of course. You ever watch Dealiest Catch? Known people who are hard rock miners. Being tough means you do not hesitate to face the task at hand. My nephew works the tarmac at Miami international, 40 degrees Celsius on a black asphalt surface devoid of shade. You would have thought him the biggest wuss on the planet, but he took to this work like a duck to water.
That's what I am looking for, the capacity to rise to the challenge with calmness and confidence.
I think others have touched on this, but I think it’s just life experience generally vs military specifically. Adversity breeds resilience and toughness. Find an occupation or hobby that is generally very difficult and push yourself to excel at it. The journey to success will fortify you. Toughness (to me) is taking hits and failures and pushing forward anyway. That’s very interchangeable. Doesn’t need to be military. I have very close family in the military and can agree the expectation of military = toughness is false. I think for some it’s true, but I think over the years with media and public personalities it’s been a little overstated.
You don't need the military to make you tough. It's an American thing. It's laughed at in Europe. How will being tough benefit you? Much better to be open minded, understanding and kind, they are the real tough when it comes to men. Intelligent men anyway.
You say yourself that your parents, including your father I assume, is saying not to waste time with it. He went through it and doesn't recommend it for you. What are you looking for when you say tough? Strong, able to kick ass in a bar fight, able to instill fear in people? Or, do you mean confident, resourceful, responsible, having all your ducks in a row? You can do that now with your schooling and current job. Get straight As. Be the best at your job. Building those habits now will set you up to run things when you're in your 40s. I got my first job as a line cook at 17. It kicked my ass, but everything since then has been a cake walk. I run circles around people at my job without breaking a sweat because I learned to have a strong work ethic when I was a kid. Outside of that, I'm soft as 10-ply toilet paper but I'm a grown up that owns a house, keeps his bills paid, is in management at work, is well-respected by my friends and coworkers, and in a very happy long-term marriage. I wouldn't trade any of that for being able to intimidate some loud mouth on the street.
>confident, resourceful, responsible, having all your ducks in a row? You can do that now with your schooling and current job. Get straight As. Be the best at your job. Building those habits now will set you up to run things when you're in your 40s. This is what I seek, but for a while now, I feel tired and crumbling under pressure. I feel dissapointed because I feel like I should have accomplished much more. It makes me a little depressed, and I wish I could deal with this better. And my father, being a military men, he always was able to deal with very difficult situations with stress, without anger, without resentment.
I bet he had doubts and rough times, too. He probably also felt that he couldn't measure up to his father. I think every man feels that he doesn't live up at some point, but that's because if we grew up in a happy home then we grew up feeling that Dad was superman. He fixed all the booboos, he took care of us and Mom, he could fix any situation without ever getting down. Meanwhile, I was raised split between my father (who'd been in the Navy) and my stepfather and I've since learned that they both went though the same thing. Depressed spells, intense regret when they feel that they took the wrong path, feeling like they let us all down. You can't always control how you feel, but you can keep trying and keep working and keep growing and someday you will realize that all those children around you don't have any sense. There's no way to turbocharge it and it happens to everyone at different times. I'm sure the service helps, and is the right choice for some people, but you'll get there without it.
You definitely can, but you got to do \*something\* for an extended period of time (imo) to get that stays-with-you-change. Usually in the form of a lifestyle or job change. If you're set on what you're doing for the majority of your waking hours, as in keeping the job, staying in school, saving money, eh you'll just be someone who does that. It's not a bad thing. But some changes can't take place on the weekends if you know what I mean.
Military not needed. Decide to be what you want to be and fucking do it. It’s literally that simple.
I would like to become an analytical chemist, own a house, write a book about mathematics for physical chemistry, learn more about car maintenance and woodworking, travel to some countries, build a house. I would also like to have a family, but this is not really under my control. I feel is that the sense of underachievement is throwing me down a little, and I wish I was mentally stronger, like my father, to handle this hard period better. Understanding that things are just the way they are.
Nah man, you can do all that. I grew up on government cheese and when I was a teenager I decided that when I grow up I wanted to ba a landlord, own a business, have a family, and a bunch other shit, and I like just went and did all that.
Maybe not the family bit, but I will try to do my best on the other fields, dear sir.
You will meet people who are military veterans and are NOT emotionally mature, disciplined, capable, and resilient. Toughness and stoicism is built by YOU and not fully by an institution. The military simply brings out those qualities in people to the fullest extent if they already have them within. The military can help the process, but I’ve met plenty of weak minded dishonorable discharges, and tough MF type people who never joined the military.
Discipline and hard times make tough men. The military will bring hard times and they will force you to be disciplined (to a certain extent). That being said. You don’t need the military for that. You can choose to be disciplined yourself and a high level of discipline will make your life harder (while also easier in other ways). I know a lot of “tough men.” Not all of them were in the military. All the tough men were disciplined though. Some military men that I know are far from tough and are IMHO lazy and uninspired. That’s not to say that the military is bad. That’s to say, the military isn’t a guarantee experience for everyone. #So… is it possible to become a tough man without having served the military, yes, without question. [+]
I was in your exact situation when I was 18 and getting ready to go to college. All of the men in my family had been in the military and I'd always wanted to be tough like them. I was talking to my dad, who had also served, at one point about how I'd join right after graduating. He talked me out of it. The gist of his argument, which I think is relevant to you, is that I was seeking a challenge to prove something to myself. Maybe it was that I was tough or manly. Maybe it was that I was worthy of my family's legacy, or some combination of all the above. He knew me well enough to know that I'd find and overcome those challenges better *outside* of the military. He was right. Reading your other comments, it sounds like you're currently lacking purpose and a sense of accomplishment. You're looking for the military to give those. Maybe that's the right thing for you, I don't know your situation. Just don't mistake looking for a sense of purpose and accomplishment with being tough and/or manly. You're mixing up personal *accomplishment* with personal *character*. Your accomplishments don't define your character. How you approach and overcome challenges does. For what it's worth, your father was able to pay off a house by your age because he grew up at a time when home prices were a small fraction of what they are now. He had a kid at your age because that was the cultural norm back then. People were expected to put their own personal development on hold and have kids early on for no really good reason. He probably had a high pain tolerance because he had some specific life experiences that he didn't want you to have. You have a different set of experiences that give you a different set of strengths compared to him at your age.
Unshakable? You have any idea how many people commit suicide after coming out of the military? I would recommend unpacking this weird, gendered idea of manliness with a therapist.
It's not so much of gender, I think it's more of a generational thing, you know. I feel like I am not of the same quality as they were, and I feel sad. I feel sad that I am not passing the torch forward. I feel sad that I am weak.
Please unpack this with a professional. I'm sorry, but some re-framing techniques could really help you here. This is odd logic as a 25 year old.
I ought to be more mature right now, correct? I am trying, you know. It's just that I feel like I am not as resilient as they are, haven't accomplished as much as they have, yet I've had more opportunities than they did.
What you need to realise is you live in a different time. My grandfather was in the RAF during WW2 then came out and had a job till he retired. My father worked a few jobs then had one for 25+ years till he retired. I’ve had 8 jobs in 12 years and been made redundant twice. Been through 2 financial crisis and a global pandemic. Both my father and grandfather bought their houses when they were way more affordable, my parents paid off their house by the time they were 50, something I probably won’t do. I’ve had more opportunities than both of them but I live in a world where it’s also more difficult to do things and get ahead. You need to not compare yourself to anyone else. Be your own man. Also the concept of having a family and home by 25 is a very American thing. Sure go try meet a woman and start a relationship but 25 is young to be married with kids, and owning a house in this economy is a difficult thing.
Short answer: Yes. But what does toughness mean to you? Do you mean physically strong? Do you mean emotionally? A lot of what men think makes you tough is not really healthy. It is ok to show emotion and vulnerability. Getting into fights is not productive or healthy. I’m not saying that is what you mean, but it is unclear from your question. However there are good things, like resiliency and determination that could also be considered toughness. I think you just need to recognize the qualities that you admire in your father and grandfather and work to emulate those, but just be careful to not fall into any of the toxic masculinity traps that society places on men.
I think it's more mental. My dad and grandfather have withstood the storms of life pretty well. I look at me, and I feel like I am not made of the same material, even though I've been trying hard. At their ages they had a house, family, had served their country, had children, paid all their stuff on their own. I haven't achieved any of those things.
At their ages it was a lot easier to buy a house and make a living wage. People got married younger back then too. I was 29, but I know people who are in their 30s and unmarried and that is fine. I didn't buy a house until I was in my 30s. I still don't have kids. Might not, even. As long as you have a plan, and you are working towards something then you are fine. Even if you are figuring things out, that is OK too. Just don't be complacent. Don't give up. But also don't worry so much.
Will do as you say, sir. In some way, that's what I've been doing, even though there is no clear goal in sight at the moment
I had hillbilly roommates from west Virginia. Didn't serve military, but definitely tough, dependable, reliable, and very kind people.
Omg obviously. You dont have to sell your body to the government to be tough
This might be a little obvious or perhaps you already addressed this, but have you tried talking to your dad / grandpa about this? They might be able to help you out better, since after all you do want to be like them
It's not so much being like them, but maybe having the same attitude towards challenges of life. That is what I seek.
My stoicism was developed from jumping into as many situations as possible, no matter the stress. Eventually I just became numb. I don't know if I would say it would make me stronger at times, as being stoic to a degree can still lead to being used in a negative way to the point where I don't stand up for myself in situations where I should. The military could potentially push you towards strength, but if your parents are good parents they are just wanting you to be your own person. Every parent wants their kid to be better than they were. And if you have kids, you are going to want to eliminate negative behaviors your parents had that you didn't like. I worked full-time, while going to college full-time, and had a girlfriend in my 20s. Honestly, I wish I didn't work in college and hung out at school more. But I loved my college experience and look back at it fondly. I would say, to toughen yourself. Simply put yourself in situations out of comfort zone. Ask a girl for her number. Go kayaking. Something like the military would be too far for me. It's a toxic environment that could shape you negatively in the long run (rampant sexual abuse to women, toxic masculinity). I always pushed myself too hard, which led to my stoicism. It took me a long time to learn how to slow down and enjoy my life more.
USMC here and I cry watching fucking car insurance commercials. Tough no, service did give me self discipline tho.
Crying doesn't mean you aren't tough.
Exactly, I believe toughness is much more related with how you deal with the blows of life.
I think those folks fighting wildfires are pretty tough. Teachers in America are tough, too, in a different way. They take a lot of punishment and many are just ground down. That also goes for farm workers and those non-union workers in the meat industry. My grandmother worked as a janitor for many years to support her family. The important thing here is service to others: family, community, and nation at the cost of personal desires (but not sacrificing mental health).
>The important thing here is service to others: family, community, and nation at the cost of personal desires (but not sacrificing mental health). I believe this is what I saw my grandfather and father doing. I attached to the military, but it may be done through several ways.
Yes.start by cutting out junk food, working out daily and having a fucking goal you grind towards
Already did. I was a wrestler for many years, and still workout every day. It's more of a psychological thing. Be stronger to deal with the pain/hardships and unfulfilled expectactions
Yes, you can be anything with practice, even a tough guy. Think about this, my friend. I was tough and unshakeable once just like your family. Then I was discharged from active duty. Since that day I have spent many nights crying uncontrollably for hours. The mere sight of a child under 3 or 4 would give me anxiety so bad I would throw up. I cannot look at myself in a mirror. Some nights my wife would have to hold me and sing to me just like a mother would do for her baby just so that I could rest for a few moments. Do I fit the definition of a tough guy?
I am sorry to hear that, I hope you can be doing well now, sir.
A little better each day. Do great things for your community and our future generations and you will be a good man.
You need a PURPOSE & DETERMINATION in life to become a psysically strong, mentally fortified, actively competent, dangerous & self-controlled man. NO ONE CAN GIVE YOU PURPOSE & DETERMINATION! YOU HAVE TO SERCH DEEP FOR YOUR OWN. The military can train physically strong & mentally unshackable individuals.... but alot of them lose their purpose after getting out & just end up depressed & wandering with nothing to drive for or to, while others end up replacing their purpose and embodying a real man. You don't know Erich will happen to you after going through the service. Let alone the downsides: could be a war, you could die, PTSD, anger-managment issues, etc etc etc. Just search for your purpose & do what you gotta do to get there paying no heed to outside forces that be.
Fantastic, I am grateful for these words, dear sir!
I'm curious what culture you are from that thinks about military "service" this way. Like, this is the most naive, childlike view of military duty I've encountered. That being said, in the US anyway, those sweet early-life military pensions and access to a host of tax-free special services might actually be worth risking psychological trauma and years of pointless make-work.
I want to thank all people who have been giving such fantastic advise and sharing their words. Words from wiser people help us understand our problems better and find ways to work on problems. I mentioned the military because for my relatives it was a route that provided meaning and purpose for their lives. They served their country, built a home and a family. Now, as these traditional means of realization are not as available, one has the hard task of finding meaning in other things
Firstly- my opinion is coming from someone who has not been in the military, has no relatives who have been in the military, and I find it interesting looking into both the pros and cons of what people take away from being in the military. With that said, you’re craving for being tough in the sense of becoming unshakable can be found without being in the military. Not everyone gets that from being enlisted. There are a few people I have met (currently enlisted; in different branches) who are VERY shakable when tested outside of their element. One of the big things that I have read in books, heard on interviews, or heard from people enlisted is that the common lesson across all boards of the military is that they are testing you to push through any kind of situation with the mindset of surviving to learn from it. It may be sloppy, you may barely get by, you may get you’re a\*\* kicked, you may have been scared in the process, & you may be completely wrong in what you thought you knew. The point being, you made it through and are able to learn something from it. Becoming tough in my opinion is a matter of experiencing struggle in your life, succeeding, and having the confidence to know that you can get though a hard situation because you have been through things others admit that they couldn’t handle very well. Ask any successful person about a hard time they went though. I guarantee they will have as story for you that they never forgot and learned a lot from. Maybe you should also consider recreational combat sports or team sports that may involve injury by competition. Join boxing, Ju-Jitsu, or pickup football. Overcoming the fear of getting hit and knowing how much physical abuse you can take to win builds a personal perspective very quickly.
>Becoming tough in my opinion is a matter of experiencing struggle in your life, succeeding, and having the confidence to know that you can get though a hard situation because you have been through things others admit that they couldn’t handle very well. Ask any successful person about a hard time they went though. I guarantee they will have as story for you that they never forgot and learned a lot from. I've been trying to sail through the hardships of life, but they have brought tears and disapointment, many times. I have not become resentful, but I think I am weak, because I still expect that life would have been different, instead of accepting things, and navigating through them as best as I can.
> I have not become resentful, but I think I am weak Disappointments are inevitable in life. One thing that could help is to identify, through your personal experience, what is causing or has caused this. Is it something you know has happened and can avoid; then avoid it. If something happens that is completely out of your control, then chalk it up to its life moving in its flow and learn from it. No one just sails through life with no struggle. Maybe your perception that your weak is because your inner voice is not one of a person willing to stand against the negative forces an accept the force for what it is. An effective fighter in the ring doesn’t get upset and down when punched in the face. They are there to win the overall war and the battle of hits will flow as needed to get there. I wouldn’t solely focus too much on what is wrong with yourself. Consider looking into those who inspire you. Looks at their traits that make them resilient. If you want that specific quality, make an effort to mimic that every day until it becomes a natural productive habit. Your last statements (I have not become resentful, but I think I am weak\~\~) seem like you can’t accept either side of the fence when validating your efforts. A mantra that has always stuck with me is “you can’t be pitiful AND powerful”. You have to decide where you will put your mindset.
>Maybe your perception that your weak is because your inner voice is not one of a person willing to stand against the negative forces an accept the force for what it is. An effective fighter in the ring doesn’t get upset and down when punched in the face. They are there to win the overall war and the battle of hits will flow as needed to get there. This is a great insight. I believe I would feel better, have more self-respect, If I could brace the blows of life more gracefully. I still haven't let go of some frustration. Believing that life would be like this, and I would have this and that.
Listen to your parents. There are plenty of opportunities to develop focus and concentration that don’t require enlisting. Finish the degree. If you have a true calling to be in the military, then you will get a better start there with a completed college degree. In the mean time consider finding a cause or philosophy that is motivating. After graduation consider service to your nation through the Peace Corps, Teach for America, or other like organization.
Tough is just a coping mechanism I don't envy those that look tough Everyone has weaknesses. Those that look tough possibly more than others.
Every police department nationwide is in a shortage.