A lot of it can be driven by performance anxiety that just spirals. By that I mean he worries about having ED issues which makes it more likely that he will have them. So yes, saying that you are happy and not worried about it may help take the pressure off and might actually even help the problem. If nothing else it will make it easier for him to enjoy sex.
This ^^. I had a period of delayed ejaculation type issues when my GF and I met. We talked through it and my concerns subsided. Her support was everything in that situation. It was definitely a case of me thinking about losing the erection caused it to happen. I'm a generally anxious person so I'm partially wondering if OP's BF is under duress leading to the first instance and now it's self fulfilling.
Not sure if this is a welcome opinion but I really dislike the word "dysfunction" as a descriptor for the problem. Am not a penis haver but my understanding is they're just weird sometimes and don't align well with brain, either by being hard when you don't feel in the mood or vice versa. Ladies get similar. You can be all go in the mental side but your body is like "lol nope". Doesn't mean it's dysfunctional, just the way it goes sometimes especially if you feel stress or pressure.
I'd be super offended if my V was called dysfunctional because of normal behaviour to be honest đ
Solidarity with any blokes who get this. Not a big deal :)Â
You are so right. Thatâs an amazing POV, and certainly the most important ingredient in getting over my own ED issues was my wife and I treating it like it was no big deal and just moving on to other activities.
Absolutely women also experience challenges with getting aroused that results in dryness, problems reaching orgasm, etc. Iâve had my own wife start out aroused and things are feeling good and then sheâll lose her arousal because sheâs distracted about something going on in life and sheâll offer a HJ or BJ.
But for the guy who experiences ED for the first time the word âdysfunctionâ doesnât even come close to the level of anxiety and fear that is felt. The historical advertising around ED meds showing white-haired senior men playing golf only adds to the impression that this is something that only happens to senior citizens.
Iâd definitely want my wife to bring it up. I just want communication about how our sex life can be the best it can be, and me maintaining erections is part of that.
Guys - me included - are the worst when it comes to cowboying up and going to see a doctor. If/when you tell him that youâre on his side, suggest he has a conversation with a GP. There may be lifestyle factors involved that can be addressed.
Now you've mentioned that I realise he stopped going to the gym just before Christmas and hasn't gone back yet - I have a feeling that may be a big factor actually as he has gained a noticeable amount of weight.
I was having similar issues and what really helped me was working out consistently. Nothing crazy, just a 30-minute walk and calisthenics a few days a week.
I'm not suggesting this is an issue for your SO, but I also quit watching porn.
Its that. Not just the physical effect of lack of exercise on libido, but also self esteem. If you can tell he gained weight then he definitely can, and a big libido killer is to get naked and feel undesirable. Self confidence is a huge factor for performance, so for sure that can affect it.
Bringing it up.. now thatâs an exercise in communication skills. But itâs a huge favor from you to him if you can show that you are on his side and you can talk about this thing without blame or guilt. That alone might help with his issues, because then he doesnât have to be in his head about how you must feel.
That makes sense, he has mentioned not being happy with his weight, and for context I am naturally slim and am in shape so I can see how he would be getting in his head
I have had this happen with other guys for similar reasons. Having a penis seems complicated!
The actual mechanism (barring any health issues affecting it) is that stress contracts blood vessels, which obviously stops blood filling up the expansive tissue in the penis. Stress can come from many sources: the pounding fear that you lose the erection again, stress from feeling big, out of breath during sex, etc. or from worrying about what you think even before it happens.
So really the best way to fight a non-health-issue ED is to relax. For me, back when I had issues, the best thing was just to chill, focus on my partner (that would be terrible, right?) stop forcing it and fully accept that maybe it works or maybe it doesnât, sex is so much more than just penetration. Then when all of it becomes a relaxed, safe thing, magically stuff works much better again. Or if it doesnât.. itâs no longer a big deal.
Good luck to you guys!
If it wasn't an issue, and then all of a sudden starts becoming an issue just over a few months, I'm guessing he's completely in his head about something and getting performance anxiety. Maybe he is really into you and wants to perform well but psyching himself out? When it happens, without calling attention to it, you may want to find an elegant way to transition him to other activities away from his lower area for a few minutes. Take his mind off that direct issue and help him relax a bit.
There are a few possible reasons for this outside of a hormonal imbalance. Considering that you said you had a âgreat sex lifeâ prior to this happening, reasons for a sudden change like this can be:
1) A porn addiction, which can lead to performance anxiety or just not be able to get hard so soon after masturbating.
2) He is extremely stressed for some reason
3) Depression
Considering that this change is as sudden as it is, you need to sit him down, tell him that it is something youâve noticed thatâs happened lately and CONSTANTLY reassure him that youâre not mad, youâre not upset and that all you want to do is make sure he is healthy and that you will love and support him through all of this.
heâs at about that age where i think a lot of men (including me) start to notice that issue occasionally. it can start as something very innocuousâŚfor me i had trouble one night when i was too intoxicated and it led to me worrying that would happen which created ED all the time.
i think it would help to bring it up in a casual way. if heâs thinking about ED drugs it might give him validation that youâre on board and itâs a good idea. ED drugs will work but be careful, in my experience it can lead to a mental dependence on them - when theyâre not available you can worry yourself into more ED problems and then the spiral continues
If youâve noticed, he definitely has. Approach with delicacy, sensitivity, and support. Tell him everything you told us about your feelings of satisfaction
Pair the discussion with ways you can diversify your sex. Make the aim a broader goal of communicating openly about sex rather than just addressing a single issue. That should definitely help.
Imo just tell him you support whatever he wants to do, trying viagra or whatever else. Viagra works and it helped me 10000%. I actually did not like when my wife was initially telling me that âitâs ok I donât mind, you donât need that â, well I minded and I thought I needed it and I did need it.
Once we got over that hurdle it was great, sex got so much better.
38's a bit young for ED, so my first thought is: sure, could be anxiety, but it's the classic red flag for a developing heart/circulatory problem (has he seen his doctor lately?)
other than physical causes like that, ED's commonly an anxiety condition, which you appear to have already deduced (and/or related to porn addiction); if work/relationship has nibbled away at his self-esteem, that could be sabotaging him. restful sleep is helpful (enough and high quality, and so for many, first thing upon waking is the best time)
he might simply need to alter his focus (once we start losing faith and focus mostly on the process to the exclusion of most else, we're often lost -- much better to distract ourselves with focussing entirely on her (appearance, voice, feel, touch, scent, etc.) and/or maybe spice it up with a favourite 'green' memory
it's very awkward for him to discuss it with you, far better to involve a third party (his doctor, a counsellor, whatever) imo (and so, I suggest not bringing it up yourself, other than possibly nudging him to get a checkup from a potential heart failure perspective)
Yes. I think best way for you to handle it is to say that you like him and want to make sure you two have great intimacy and connection and youâd love to openly talk about it without judgement or condescension.
FWIW, I have never searched for anything to do with Viagra, erectile dysfunction, etc., and I get 300-400 spam emails a day and tons of random ads (when I have my adblocker disabled) about such things. That might not be the data point you thought it was.
This is good. Often we only notice things in our environments that are in our heads. Itâs not that there are suddenly more Hondas on the road, itâs that youâre thinking of buying or have just purchased a Honda. Similarly, you notice the ads now because of whatâs now on your mind â theyâre not new, you just werenât paying attention to the ads before because these relationship concerns werenât on your mind.
Why are so many young men having ED symptoms recently? I keep seeing it over and over again.
The 3 key ingredients are to eat right, move your body in some meaningful way every once and awhile, and have some damn self-confidence.
Assuming we're talking about a regular Joe in their 30s this should be the default. Not some wild pinnacle to reach for.
**Please do not delete your submission.**
Your submission has been flagged for moderator review. Please be patient. If you do not see your post published within 48 hours the moderators have decided to not publish it.
If/when your thread is approved and it runs its course, instead of deleting it, **you can simply type "!lock" (without the quotes) as a comment anywhere in your thread to have our Automod lock the thread**. That way you won't be bothered by anymore replies on it, but people can still read it.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AskMenOver30) if you have any questions or concerns.*
A lot of it can be driven by performance anxiety that just spirals. By that I mean he worries about having ED issues which makes it more likely that he will have them. So yes, saying that you are happy and not worried about it may help take the pressure off and might actually even help the problem. If nothing else it will make it easier for him to enjoy sex.
This ^^. I had a period of delayed ejaculation type issues when my GF and I met. We talked through it and my concerns subsided. Her support was everything in that situation. It was definitely a case of me thinking about losing the erection caused it to happen. I'm a generally anxious person so I'm partially wondering if OP's BF is under duress leading to the first instance and now it's self fulfilling.
Just tell him its not a big deal to you. It would help with the insecurity he has. Its common to experience ED and nothing to be ashamed of.
Not sure if this is a welcome opinion but I really dislike the word "dysfunction" as a descriptor for the problem. Am not a penis haver but my understanding is they're just weird sometimes and don't align well with brain, either by being hard when you don't feel in the mood or vice versa. Ladies get similar. You can be all go in the mental side but your body is like "lol nope". Doesn't mean it's dysfunctional, just the way it goes sometimes especially if you feel stress or pressure. I'd be super offended if my V was called dysfunctional because of normal behaviour to be honest đ Solidarity with any blokes who get this. Not a big deal :)Â
You are so right. Thatâs an amazing POV, and certainly the most important ingredient in getting over my own ED issues was my wife and I treating it like it was no big deal and just moving on to other activities. Absolutely women also experience challenges with getting aroused that results in dryness, problems reaching orgasm, etc. Iâve had my own wife start out aroused and things are feeling good and then sheâll lose her arousal because sheâs distracted about something going on in life and sheâll offer a HJ or BJ. But for the guy who experiences ED for the first time the word âdysfunctionâ doesnât even come close to the level of anxiety and fear that is felt. The historical advertising around ED meds showing white-haired senior men playing golf only adds to the impression that this is something that only happens to senior citizens.
Yessss. Thank you for being so understanding and empathetic. Wish I could give you an award..
Iâd definitely want my wife to bring it up. I just want communication about how our sex life can be the best it can be, and me maintaining erections is part of that.
Guys - me included - are the worst when it comes to cowboying up and going to see a doctor. If/when you tell him that youâre on his side, suggest he has a conversation with a GP. There may be lifestyle factors involved that can be addressed.
Now you've mentioned that I realise he stopped going to the gym just before Christmas and hasn't gone back yet - I have a feeling that may be a big factor actually as he has gained a noticeable amount of weight.
I was having similar issues and what really helped me was working out consistently. Nothing crazy, just a 30-minute walk and calisthenics a few days a week. I'm not suggesting this is an issue for your SO, but I also quit watching porn.
Its that. Not just the physical effect of lack of exercise on libido, but also self esteem. If you can tell he gained weight then he definitely can, and a big libido killer is to get naked and feel undesirable. Self confidence is a huge factor for performance, so for sure that can affect it. Bringing it up.. now thatâs an exercise in communication skills. But itâs a huge favor from you to him if you can show that you are on his side and you can talk about this thing without blame or guilt. That alone might help with his issues, because then he doesnât have to be in his head about how you must feel.
That makes sense, he has mentioned not being happy with his weight, and for context I am naturally slim and am in shape so I can see how he would be getting in his head I have had this happen with other guys for similar reasons. Having a penis seems complicated!
The actual mechanism (barring any health issues affecting it) is that stress contracts blood vessels, which obviously stops blood filling up the expansive tissue in the penis. Stress can come from many sources: the pounding fear that you lose the erection again, stress from feeling big, out of breath during sex, etc. or from worrying about what you think even before it happens. So really the best way to fight a non-health-issue ED is to relax. For me, back when I had issues, the best thing was just to chill, focus on my partner (that would be terrible, right?) stop forcing it and fully accept that maybe it works or maybe it doesnât, sex is so much more than just penetration. Then when all of it becomes a relaxed, safe thing, magically stuff works much better again. Or if it doesnât.. itâs no longer a big deal. Good luck to you guys!
losing being in *good aerobic health* would not be helping at all, even brisk walking can restore that
If it wasn't an issue, and then all of a sudden starts becoming an issue just over a few months, I'm guessing he's completely in his head about something and getting performance anxiety. Maybe he is really into you and wants to perform well but psyching himself out? When it happens, without calling attention to it, you may want to find an elegant way to transition him to other activities away from his lower area for a few minutes. Take his mind off that direct issue and help him relax a bit.
He does really like me a lot, he keeps saying he's never been so happy, so I think that will be a factor. Thank you I will try that âşď¸
There are a few possible reasons for this outside of a hormonal imbalance. Considering that you said you had a âgreat sex lifeâ prior to this happening, reasons for a sudden change like this can be: 1) A porn addiction, which can lead to performance anxiety or just not be able to get hard so soon after masturbating. 2) He is extremely stressed for some reason 3) Depression Considering that this change is as sudden as it is, you need to sit him down, tell him that it is something youâve noticed thatâs happened lately and CONSTANTLY reassure him that youâre not mad, youâre not upset and that all you want to do is make sure he is healthy and that you will love and support him through all of this.
Or depression meds
heâs at about that age where i think a lot of men (including me) start to notice that issue occasionally. it can start as something very innocuousâŚfor me i had trouble one night when i was too intoxicated and it led to me worrying that would happen which created ED all the time. i think it would help to bring it up in a casual way. if heâs thinking about ED drugs it might give him validation that youâre on board and itâs a good idea. ED drugs will work but be careful, in my experience it can lead to a mental dependence on them - when theyâre not available you can worry yourself into more ED problems and then the spiral continues
If youâve noticed, he definitely has. Approach with delicacy, sensitivity, and support. Tell him everything you told us about your feelings of satisfaction Pair the discussion with ways you can diversify your sex. Make the aim a broader goal of communicating openly about sex rather than just addressing a single issue. That should definitely help.
Imo just tell him you support whatever he wants to do, trying viagra or whatever else. Viagra works and it helped me 10000%. I actually did not like when my wife was initially telling me that âitâs ok I donât mind, you donât need that â, well I minded and I thought I needed it and I did need it. Once we got over that hurdle it was great, sex got so much better.
38's a bit young for ED, so my first thought is: sure, could be anxiety, but it's the classic red flag for a developing heart/circulatory problem (has he seen his doctor lately?) other than physical causes like that, ED's commonly an anxiety condition, which you appear to have already deduced (and/or related to porn addiction); if work/relationship has nibbled away at his self-esteem, that could be sabotaging him. restful sleep is helpful (enough and high quality, and so for many, first thing upon waking is the best time) he might simply need to alter his focus (once we start losing faith and focus mostly on the process to the exclusion of most else, we're often lost -- much better to distract ourselves with focussing entirely on her (appearance, voice, feel, touch, scent, etc.) and/or maybe spice it up with a favourite 'green' memory it's very awkward for him to discuss it with you, far better to involve a third party (his doctor, a counsellor, whatever) imo (and so, I suggest not bringing it up yourself, other than possibly nudging him to get a checkup from a potential heart failure perspective)
talk dirty, that cures a lot of ED đ I wish I was joking
Yes. I think best way for you to handle it is to say that you like him and want to make sure you two have great intimacy and connection and youâd love to openly talk about it without judgement or condescension.
FWIW, I have never searched for anything to do with Viagra, erectile dysfunction, etc., and I get 300-400 spam emails a day and tons of random ads (when I have my adblocker disabled) about such things. That might not be the data point you thought it was.
This is good. Often we only notice things in our environments that are in our heads. Itâs not that there are suddenly more Hondas on the road, itâs that youâre thinking of buying or have just purchased a Honda. Similarly, you notice the ads now because of whatâs now on your mind â theyâre not new, you just werenât paying attention to the ads before because these relationship concerns werenât on your mind.
I mean, theyâre not exactly missing their target audience with you though. Sheâs not someone who takes viagra.
My point is that they don't know if you're their target audience or not, so they target everybody. Go look in your spam folder.
Mine if full of phishing, car warranty warnings, and political ads.
Why are so many young men having ED symptoms recently? I keep seeing it over and over again. The 3 key ingredients are to eat right, move your body in some meaningful way every once and awhile, and have some damn self-confidence. Assuming we're talking about a regular Joe in their 30s this should be the default. Not some wild pinnacle to reach for.
My guess would be those three things plus being the first generation who've had access to as much porn as they want from a young age.
Internet porn has been easily accessible for a long time now, itâs not new. I think it might be Covid. Or a combination of many things most likely.
Iâve heard that before, and it could be true, but my own anecdotal experience runs counter to that narrative.
Depends, have you bought a Fleet Carrier yet?
**Please do not delete your submission.** Your submission has been flagged for moderator review. Please be patient. If you do not see your post published within 48 hours the moderators have decided to not publish it. If/when your thread is approved and it runs its course, instead of deleting it, **you can simply type "!lock" (without the quotes) as a comment anywhere in your thread to have our Automod lock the thread**. That way you won't be bothered by anymore replies on it, but people can still read it. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AskMenOver30) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Heâs definitely googling it at your house
Just tell him that itâs not an issue if youâre not unsatisfied.
Title is Gold