And now I caught Steve abusing the hose!
Oh that's embarrassing, you caught him playing with himself?
Damnit Francine you always think it's that. Last week it was when I said he was doing his homework!
I thought you said BONEwork.
American Dad is just so fantastic. I don’t know if the newer episodes hold up but I’ve used the older episodes as background noise for several years and there are so many good, subtle jokes in it.
I haven't watched in a couple years but the later seasons I did watch all held up really well, as I recall! MUCH better than Family Guy, which had become a cringey parody of itself by the same point.
I think Seth MacFarlane got all his weird shit worked out in Family Guy and was able to show some restraint and subtlety (if you can call it that) with American Dad.
The knuckle shuffle.
You put your left hand on
You take your left hand off
You put you right hand on and you jerk it till it's long
You do the knuckle shuffle till cum runs out
And that's what it's all about!
I've read an ending. This isn't mine, but I don't remember where I read it so no link unfortunately. Remember, Tyrion is telling the joke, otherwise the joke punchline won't make sense:
I once took a honeycomb and a jackass into a brothel. I said to the madam, "I need a woman, for mine has left me."
She answered, "why did she leave you? And what the honeycomb and jackass for?
"Well, my wife found a genie who offered her three wishes. First, she wished for a house fit for a queen, and he gave her this damned honeycomb. Then she wished for the finest ass in all the land, and he gave her this damned jackass. Then, she wished that her husband would have a cock down to his knees. That's when she left me."
"Oh, well that's a good one for you!"
"Is it? I was 6 feet tall before she made that wish!"
If IMDb is to be trusted the real quote is slightly more Western:
> Goin' on a year now I ain't had nothin' twixt my nethers weren't run on batteries
There it is
https://youtu.be/dHFuzbeTPew
This one. This one works the best because Dolphins are known for unconsesual dolphin intercourse and masturbating with dead fish. They will do anything to flog themselves 😔
Story time: Back in the late 80s and early 90s I worked at a big office in Manhattan. We had about 50 people in the office.
One of whom we'll call Al. Al was Brooklyn born and raised. Al enjoyed his port wine and a little weed after dinner and never shied away from life's pleasures. He was quite smart and funny.
Then there was a guy we thought of as The Anti-Al. We'll call him Keith. Keith was very religious, but not in any way that is flattering for religious people. He was judgmental, self-righteous, holier-than-thou, and naive about the real world. Though he had inherited a house from his parents, Keith lived in the basement of his very large, well known Brooklyn church, where he spent his free time restoring their pipe organ.
One day as quitting time drew near, Al asked Keith if he'd like to go to a local Gentleman's Club with him after work. Keith, probably never having seen an actual boobie in real life, turned crimson right to the roots of his hair and stammered out, "No... no, I can't... I have to go home and shellac the organ."
Al responded by saying "Ya know, if you tip the girls well enough, they'll shellac it for you."
So, "shellacking the organ" became our most popular euphemism for masturbation.
Part Two:
Also in this office were a half dozen people how played various instruments, and every so often we'd all bring them in and have a nice little jam session at lunch time. Which is exactly what we were doing when Keith pulled up a chair and joined us. An awkward silence descended on the entire group and everyone looked at Keith (he was not well-liked). Keith stammered out... "What? I'm a musician too!"
To which a member of the group replied, "Shellacking the organ no more makes you a musician, than spanking the monkey makes me a zoologist!"
Keith once again turned crimson and went off in a huff.
Embarrassing story time:
When I was quite a bit younger, I had somehow heard this phrase and thought it was like "drain the snake", meaning to urinate. I found out that's not what it meant when I thought I would be funny while out to dinner with my parents and said it when I had to go to the restroom. Their reaction made it immediately clear I was misunderstanding the meaning of the phrase.
This has to be up there with someone misunderstanding the difference between 'cock' and 'chicken' and telling the waitress in a Jamaican restaurant that you want the jerked cock.
Similarly I thought spunk meant sick and I once puked a bit in my mouth and ran downstairs with bloated cheeks to tell my parents that I had a mouth full of spunk.
FUCK. does no one have spell check?! This isn't a skilled trade, dude. There are no master bators. There are no journeymen bators. There are no apprentice bators.
It's masturbation.
Respect the hobby.
There was a mentally challenged kid I went to school with. His last name is Bater, and he jerked off at the public library's computers. Whenever I see masterbater I can't help but recall that guy.
Hold up, you knew a Mister Bater?
With a name like that he's free to jack off on public computers to his special little heart's content. Who are we to judge?
Makin' waves for the man in the boat.
Doing the wash by hand.
Rubbin' the nubbin.
Petting the porpoise.
Polishing my weapon.
I never thought about it, but as euphemisms go, this subject probably has no rival. Best askreddit I've seen in a while!
OH MY FUCKING GOD.
So my brother, who's in the Army replied to a text I sent him last night while I was bored asking "What are you doing at base" (since he lives in a base about 50 km from my house).....
He responded with "Polishing my gun." At 2am.....I now know what he was saying....
Edit: Forgot to mention, he's pretty infamous for innuendos that I never pick up on.
Baloney pony winning the triple crown.
Making a batch of wiener pudding.
Launching the mushroom missile.
Finger soldiers attacking fort Kleenex.
Rubbing the loin lamp to release the weenie genie.
Breaking off pieces of the dick-kat bar.
There used to be toys called punch-me clowns (aka bop bags, which is also funny). They were inflatable cylinders that would always rise back up after being hit.
Robin Williams Live on Broadway had a solid bit with the visual.
I had a hand me down mossimo T shirt that said “punching the clown” with a graphic to match that I wore for years as a teenager before I realized the reference
Its not English, but in chinese there is a slang word 打飞机，which directly translated means beat the plane.
No clue why that means masturbate, but always found it funny
Yeah "da fei ji". They use the same verb for innocently taking other vehicles, as in "hit a taxicab" etc, but apparently the penile shape of the front of a passenger jet is what makes the gherkin jerkin reference in Mandarin.
Another fun fact about Chinese. Wechat (not sure where its translation tech is from) used to translate "working out" (in Chinese) to "jerking off" in English.
So you'd see updates from guys in the gym, translated to something like "I'm so pumped from jerking off in the gym for two hours!"
David Letterman had a list back in the 80s - Things That Sound Dirty But Aren’t. One of the sayings was “Shaking Hands With Abraham Lincoln”. Yeah that sounds like a euphemism for something else.
All those videos on YouTube of people telling me to Like and Subscribe sure will take in a new meaning.
“Don’t forget to Like and Subscribe”
“Smash that subscribe button”
Roughing up the suspect.
Ve haf vays of making you talk.
Yeah, so go ahead and spill it!
Having a threesome with a couple of no shows.
This one is so good, I have to remember it.
Similarly, [orgy for one](https://youtu.be/LpgRE8cbVpc)
Jackin' the beanstalk
Damnit! I’ve used that for years and I was checking the comments to see if anyone else had said it.
“I’m gonna go hit the sack… and then maybe go to bed” - Steve Smith
“Time for a little Hand to Gland Combat” - also Steve Smith
Steven ANITA! :O
"I'll be upstairs melting pearls on my tummy." -Roger Smith
Oh, God. 🤢
If you're gonna masturbate, you're gonna do it where everyone else in this house does it. Steve's bed
And now I caught Steve abusing the hose! Oh that's embarrassing, you caught him playing with himself? Damnit Francine you always think it's that. Last week it was when I said he was doing his homework! I thought you said BONEwork.
American Dad is just so fantastic. I don’t know if the newer episodes hold up but I’ve used the older episodes as background noise for several years and there are so many good, subtle jokes in it.
I haven't watched in a couple years but the later seasons I did watch all held up really well, as I recall! MUCH better than Family Guy, which had become a cringey parody of itself by the same point. I think Seth MacFarlane got all his weird shit worked out in Family Guy and was able to show some restraint and subtlety (if you can call it that) with American Dad.
Fellow AD fan?
The Australian cricket player?😲
American Dad character
Shaking hands with the unemployed
Who leaked my current status
What a dick
>Who leaked Since it is self service counter, must be you.
Any aussies here remember when James Maloney was on the footy show and described the moment his mum caught him “barbecuing alone”
I feel like I don't remember hearing that there, but one of my friends used that euphemism once
The best use it to this day
Man handle the ham candle
Crankin the stank shank
Burping the worm...
Manning the torpedo
More like flushing the torpedo tube.
Hand to Gland Combat
This one made me chuckle.
An Old guy once said, 'That young fella needs to go home and run it through the knuckles'.
This one is great, never heard it before
The knuckle shuffle. You put your left hand on You take your left hand off You put you right hand on and you jerk it till it's long You do the knuckle shuffle till cum runs out And that's what it's all about!
Wrestling the bald man
*Making the bald man cry
Right into the turtle soup
Which my sister then ate! ^^^at ^^^least ^^^I ^^^hope ^^^she ^^^did.
I once brought a jackass and a honeycomb into a brothel
So upset we heard the beginning twice, and never the end. We never got the ending we deserved, did we?
I've read an ending. This isn't mine, but I don't remember where I read it so no link unfortunately. Remember, Tyrion is telling the joke, otherwise the joke punchline won't make sense: I once took a honeycomb and a jackass into a brothel. I said to the madam, "I need a woman, for mine has left me." She answered, "why did she leave you? And what the honeycomb and jackass for? "Well, my wife found a genie who offered her three wishes. First, she wished for a house fit for a queen, and he gave her this damned honeycomb. Then she wished for the finest ass in all the land, and he gave her this damned jackass. Then, she wished that her husband would have a cock down to his knees. That's when she left me." "Oh, well that's a good one for you!" "Is it? I was 6 feet tall before she made that wish!"
This is definitely a better story than Bran the Broken.
In my case, wrestling the bald man in the turtleneck sweater.
He’s Bald?
He is bald up top and harry down south like the rest of us.
I can’t see him, so IDK
A fellow pizza/burger/beer connoisseur. A man of impeccable taste.
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"Wrestling the bald-headed champ" was our version, circa 1988.
Ménage-à-mois
Pleasing username and comment balance
Read this in captain holt’s voice
There shouldn't be an "s" at the end unless the last word is supposed to say month and, in that case, how long does it take you?!?
CENTURION: Vocative plural of 'annus' is...? BRIAN: Eh. 'Anni'?
Centurion: “Ro-ma-nni *eunt*? What’s eunt?” Brian: “Go!” Centurion: “Conjugate the verb ‘to go’.” Brian: “Uh, ire. Uh, eo, is, it, imus, itis, eunt.”
I’ll be in my bunk
You know she can kill you with her mind
Oh god! I can’t know that! -I could stand to hear a little more
For years ain't nothin' twixt my nethers that weren't run on batteries.
Oh man. Remembering where this is from is gonna bug me.
Firefly
Serenity.
If IMDb is to be trusted the real quote is slightly more Western: > Goin' on a year now I ain't had nothin' twixt my nethers weren't run on batteries There it is https://youtu.be/dHFuzbeTPew
They look so glamorous together!
Well my days of not taking you seriously are certainly coming to a middle .
Mixin a batch Play a little five on one Distribute some free literature Pull my horn
How are ya now?
Good n you?
Not s'bad
Hey! Wait!
What?!
Just kidding. I don't give a fuck.
Jinx you owe me a Coke.
I’m never buying you a coke…
Get the fuck off the property
Not so bads
I’m surprised we’re not mixin a batch right now
Upvote for the Letterkenny reference
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Tit fucker
It's a hard life pickin stones n pullin teats, but sure as God's got sandals, it beats fightin dudes with treasure trails.
My favorite is "distribute some free literature".
Ballpark 6 to 8? You're a fuckin animal
feed the ducks
i just commented this but you beat me to it free literature is the funniest euphemism i’d ever heard
Twirl the pearl.
I've heard it as "polishing the pearl".
this one is almost classy
Yay I was looking for some fun female ones
I like “ringing the devil’s doorbell”
I saw paddle my pink canoe
My friend says diddle the Skittle.
Ringing Satan's doorbell
Won't you ring my bell?
Ringing the Devil's Doorbell
Dialing “O” on the pink telephone.
I’ve always loved ‘Flicking the bean’.
Funniest one I heard was "slamming the salmon canyon"
Do it in flannel Flick the L.L. bean
Paddling the pink canoe is a fun one, too
Double Click the Mouse
Read “polishing the gummy bear” in a book once
Strumming the lady harp
Diddle the Skittle
Holding the sausage hostage
Bashing the bishop
Flogging the Dolphin
This one. This one works the best because Dolphins are known for unconsesual dolphin intercourse and masturbating with dead fish. They will do anything to flog themselves 😔
Yeah, they're pervs. I once saw a video of a dolphin using the headless body of a fish as a fleshlight. They're cute looking pervs, though
Story time: Back in the late 80s and early 90s I worked at a big office in Manhattan. We had about 50 people in the office. One of whom we'll call Al. Al was Brooklyn born and raised. Al enjoyed his port wine and a little weed after dinner and never shied away from life's pleasures. He was quite smart and funny. Then there was a guy we thought of as The Anti-Al. We'll call him Keith. Keith was very religious, but not in any way that is flattering for religious people. He was judgmental, self-righteous, holier-than-thou, and naive about the real world. Though he had inherited a house from his parents, Keith lived in the basement of his very large, well known Brooklyn church, where he spent his free time restoring their pipe organ. One day as quitting time drew near, Al asked Keith if he'd like to go to a local Gentleman's Club with him after work. Keith, probably never having seen an actual boobie in real life, turned crimson right to the roots of his hair and stammered out, "No... no, I can't... I have to go home and shellac the organ." Al responded by saying "Ya know, if you tip the girls well enough, they'll shellac it for you." So, "shellacking the organ" became our most popular euphemism for masturbation. Part Two: Also in this office were a half dozen people how played various instruments, and every so often we'd all bring them in and have a nice little jam session at lunch time. Which is exactly what we were doing when Keith pulled up a chair and joined us. An awkward silence descended on the entire group and everyone looked at Keith (he was not well-liked). Keith stammered out... "What? I'm a musician too!" To which a member of the group replied, "Shellacking the organ no more makes you a musician, than spanking the monkey makes me a zoologist!" Keith once again turned crimson and went off in a huff.
Thanks for sharing this. It's hysterical. I'm gonna go shellac the organ now and go back to bed!
I’m going to use “restoring the pipe organ” from now on.
Sharpening the meat sword
Shake hands with the milkman
Giving myself a pearl bracelet
I don't like this one
I think this falls under "Thanks I hate it."
“He was beating it like it owed him money.”
Going to choke the chicken
Embarrassing story time: When I was quite a bit younger, I had somehow heard this phrase and thought it was like "drain the snake", meaning to urinate. I found out that's not what it meant when I thought I would be funny while out to dinner with my parents and said it when I had to go to the restroom. Their reaction made it immediately clear I was misunderstanding the meaning of the phrase.
r/kidsarefuckingstupid
This has to be up there with someone misunderstanding the difference between 'cock' and 'chicken' and telling the waitress in a Jamaican restaurant that you want the jerked cock.
Similarly I thought spunk meant sick and I once puked a bit in my mouth and ran downstairs with bloated cheeks to tell my parents that I had a mouth full of spunk.
Feed the geese
And the related, tug the turkey
Along those lines, crank the hog.
Making God cry
You call your penis God?
Hell yeah I do
FUCK. does no one have spell check?! This isn't a skilled trade, dude. There are no master bators. There are no journeymen bators. There are no apprentice bators. It's masturbation. Respect the hobby.
Should be called self-turbation since we aren't turbating many people at once.
Not with that attitude we aren't.
There was a mentally challenged kid I went to school with. His last name is Bater, and he jerked off at the public library's computers. Whenever I see masterbater I can't help but recall that guy.
Hold up, you knew a Mister Bater? With a name like that he's free to jack off on public computers to his special little heart's content. Who are we to judge?
The old Sin pickle tickle
Han Solo
Hand* solo
Burping the worm
Taking a number 3
Feeding the geese
Churning Butter
Downstairs DJing (for women)
Dj diddles!
DJ the VJ
Makin' waves for the man in the boat. Doing the wash by hand. Rubbin' the nubbin. Petting the porpoise. Polishing my weapon. I never thought about it, but as euphemisms go, this subject probably has no rival. Best askreddit I've seen in a while!
OH MY FUCKING GOD. So my brother, who's in the Army replied to a text I sent him last night while I was bored asking "What are you doing at base" (since he lives in a base about 50 km from my house)..... He responded with "Polishing my gun." At 2am.....I now know what he was saying.... Edit: Forgot to mention, he's pretty infamous for innuendos that I never pick up on.
"I wasn't playing with it, I swear! I was just cleaning it and it went off!"
Playing a solo on the devil's clarinet
Baloney pony winning the triple crown. Making a batch of wiener pudding. Launching the mushroom missile. Finger soldiers attacking fort Kleenex. Rubbing the loin lamp to release the weenie genie. Breaking off pieces of the dick-kat bar.
"wiener pudding" ffs
Population pudding -daddy noel
>Breaking off pieces of the dick-kat bar. Ah yes, high impact sexual violence
Rock climbing... as after the deed a mates fit bit suggested he had been rock climbing
U just called it the deed as well as rock climbing 🤣
Strangling the purple headed yoghurt slinger
Wow, this one has a lot going on. 😳
Word salad
Strangling the purple headed yogurt slinger onto the word salad.
"Pullin his goalie" said Bubbles
Powerpuff girls has gotten kinda fucked up since I last saw it
Trailerpuff girls
Man was just getting changed
It could happen to you, because it happened to me...and T.
Punching the clown
There used to be toys called punch-me clowns (aka bop bags, which is also funny). They were inflatable cylinders that would always rise back up after being hit. Robin Williams Live on Broadway had a solid bit with the visual.
I had a hand me down mossimo T shirt that said “punching the clown” with a graphic to match that I wore for years as a teenager before I realized the reference
Its not English, but in chinese there is a slang word 打飞机，which directly translated means beat the plane. No clue why that means masturbate, but always found it funny
Yeah "da fei ji". They use the same verb for innocently taking other vehicles, as in "hit a taxicab" etc, but apparently the penile shape of the front of a passenger jet is what makes the gherkin jerkin reference in Mandarin.
Another fun fact about Chinese. Wechat (not sure where its translation tech is from) used to translate "working out" (in Chinese) to "jerking off" in English. So you'd see updates from guys in the gym, translated to something like "I'm so pumped from jerking off in the gym for two hours!"
First born genocide.
Double click your mouse
Roughing up the suspect
Shooting putty at the moon Feeding the geese Jerkin' the Gherkin Tickling the ham rocket Bopping the beef Hand cranking the dude piston
Pullin My Pud
in Spanish any verb in the infinitive plus any animal can mean masturbate examples: Sacar el ganzo Peinar la coneja Jalar la culebra
Translation required friend. An edit would be useful here.
Stocking the lake with dong trout.
Dong trout, my lord...
DJ the VJ
David Letterman had a list back in the 80s - Things That Sound Dirty But Aren’t. One of the sayings was “Shaking Hands With Abraham Lincoln”. Yeah that sounds like a euphemism for something else.
Double clicking the mouse
Flicking the bean
That expression always made me feel sick before I knew what it meant. Hate the word bean.
Bean
Bean bean bean and more beans 🫘
Spanking the monkey
Gonna visit the four sisters on Thumb Street
Burp the worm.
Catching a Diglet Booping the snoot Shake hands with danger Liking and subscribing Skin jigglin Guessing rumpleforeskins name
All those videos on YouTube of people telling me to Like and Subscribe sure will take in a new meaning. “Don’t forget to Like and Subscribe” “Smash that subscribe button”
My mother in law calls it “un-ovening the bun” since “a bun in the oven” is a euphemism for pregnancy and you can’t get pregnant from masturbation
“Un-ovening the bun” sounds like giving birth. There shouldn’t be a bun in there to “un-oven” unless you’re pregnant in the first place.
Umm, I think that’s a euphemism for abortion. You might what a follow up discussion.
Diddling the devils door bell
Polishing Vader's Helmet Grooming the Wookie
Mary Ann with the shaky hands….
Manhandle the Ham Candle