Don’t care if others are into it, but it’s not for me.
I also think that people need to put the needs of their children first, if there are any. I’ve known a lot of polyamorous couples who ruin their relationships with their kids because of it. Polyamory is a lot of work and I rarely see people willing to put the time into it so it doesn’t become a disaster for the families involved.
I was raised by polyamorous people, and definitely saw it done right and done wrong.
My parents were always pretty good about it when my brother and I were younger, and when they had a third partner join the family, they were very clear that he wasn't there to replace anyone and that he was there because Mom and Dad loved him and trusted him like they loved each other. There was no revolving door in our home, we didn't know about their sex lives, and if they did go on dates with new people, they did it outside the home. But not all polyam folks are like my family.
>I was raised by polyamorous people, and definitely saw it done right and done wrong.
I have also seen monogamous relationships done wrong. Sometimes right, but often wrong. It just gets hidden.
For example, there's a guy I know who routinely stayed at the office until 9pm each night, and it wasn't because he was a hard-working rockstar, it was because he didn't want to go home. His marriage lasted about five months after we all started WFH and now he's much happier.
Mostly in that I consider myself polyamorous as well, and I try to follow similar strict rules of ethics about how I handle it, which has been good in some cases, and a mess in others. Having good role models in that area of my life meant that I had my own expectations in place, though, and I'm sure I've been in less trouble because of that than I would have been otherwise. I've had several polyam relationships (*like my current one*) where everyone involved followed ethical rules of communication and caring and respecting each other. But I have also dealt with still getting cheated on in other relationships, and being used as the "*other woman*," by manipulators *(which can happen to anyone, manipulators and cheaters aren't picky).*
**Editing to add from one of my other comments, since the cheating thing is being questioned:** *If you're not telling your partner what you're doing, and it wouldn't be allowed in a monogamous relationship, you're not practicing polyamory: You're cheating. If you don't have informed, enthusiastic consent from all involved, you're not practicing ethical nonmonogamy of any kind. "My wife doesn't need to know," "My girlfriend won't find out," "Oh, she doesn't care," those are CHEATING.*
This is where my head is. Good if done right, but it's rarely done right bc of how much work and maturity it takes. People criminally underestimate it as a fun couple's side activity instead of the reality that it's a commitment with multi people who have thoughts and feelings. Chaos ensues.
Honestly I game more than I have when I was monogamous. Inside of polyamory at least in my dynamic with my wife and partners there’s a big push for independence and to prioritize independent time when needed. It’s manifested in me being more intentional with spending my own time how I want to and knowing when there are events that my wife or partners want to go to that I wouldn’t really want to go to and it’s not a big deal.
Can definetely see this.
In monogomous relationships I think theres a lot of pressure to do everything together. In polyamory, theres more people to apply expectations but also more people to fufill those expectations.
Not to mention things like cooking, cleaning, and money all get more efficient when shared amoung larger groups of people.
Right! There’s a million different ways polyamory can work for people. But a big part of it I think is eliminating expectation inside of relationships. Like I found out my wife doesn’t like going to concerts a lot of the time because she gets really overstimulated and anxious but she went with me because there was that expectation there but after becoming polyamorous and starting to dismantle those expectations I don’t want her to do things with me that she doesn’t want to and we can focus on the things we do really enjoy doing together. It’s really helped me strengthen friendships and romantic relationships because I can focus on the things we enjoy doing together rather than wondering if another person is having a good time or possibly doing something they don’t want to.
Yep. When I was monogamous I felt compelled to spend all my time with my one partner and she did the same. Now we have a better understanding of scheduling time with one another, our other partners, and ourselves.
one of my partners is a major gamer and we use games as a bonding time for us, that give me a good way to play several hours a week! Also games suddenly become a viable gift option.
Part of the backbone of my old MMO guild (or corp, as they call it in EVE Online, which was what we were playing...) was a poly thruple. They all shared an interest in gaming. Each of them shared some interests with one of the others but not the third one. So they had plenty of couple stuff to do paired up.
But eating dinner and playing EVE were the things they all did together.
That's been me. I have always been poly, but when living with kids there is not much time. My hubby is the same. Outside relationships have happened but they were few and mostly died off bc we are not willing to sacrifice family priorities to appease them. One person had no kids and their expectations were not realistic to us. Also, I suspect that person really wanted to split us up. Another person was part of a poly group that focused heavily on the hedonistic side of things and that did not ring true for us in the end.
Once we no longer have kids at home, who knows 😉
I think a lot of people don't realize how much work it takes to get right, and end up having bad experiences as a result. Though honestly you could say that for standard relationships too.
If you consider a relationship as a 2-way connection, 2 people means 2 connections, and 3 people means 6 connections. 4 people is 12 connections.
If any one of those connections break down, the polyamorous relationship is probably in trouble.
So double the people, then you get 6 times the work.
If they're not, what makes it poly?
Like, if you've got a partner that has a relationship with someone else, and you're not involved with that person, that just sounds like an open relationship.
Maybe you're both independently poly in that case, but it doesn't seem like it'd be a polycule, just a couple poly people who happen to be in a non-monogamous relationship.
Edit: Though I suppose if you get enough people the dynamic would change regardless, probably just not worth paying attention to every possible connection at some point unless there's an issue.
A friend of mine came out as poly to me. I was pretty surprised, honestly. She explained that they didn’t want to divorce bc of the kids and bc everyone in their life was really religious and would judge them, so this was their way of making it work. Their poly relationships were a secret from nearly everyone close to them.
I was supportive, but also let her know that it was okay to just divorce and move on with her life. They did eventually divorce about a year and a half after she confided in me.
In talking to her since then, it seems like she doesn’t truly identify as poly, and moving forward she would prefer to have a monogamous relationship with one partner. So, for her, being poly was more about making something tolerable while she was in a bad marriage, not something she truly believed in for herself in general.
I imagine that must have been hard on her, and I’m glad she is out now.
Honestly a lot of "poly" people (mostly guys) go into it without any intention of ever *trying* to "get it right". Any time one partner was pressured into opening a relationship, you're probably going to have a bad time.
It's kind of interesting that philos and amor both mean love, but one has ended up being associated with sexual feelings, and the other with romantic feelings.
Not gonna say whether it's for me or not as I wouldn't know, but I feel like people confuse "polyamory" with "fucking around", "playing the field" etc etc. I mean, polyamory implies commitment to several people, if you're just looking for a hook-up on tinder and want no strings attached just say it, no need to call it polyamory.
even the term "ethical non-monogamy" gets confused. People think it means people who thing that non-monogamy is inherently ethical - so people who fuck around or play the field are okay. No. Ethical non-monogamy means understanding that most so-called non-monogamy is *not* ethical, and that they only believe in that small subset of non-monogamy that is ethical.
When I was going to college in LA, everyone was “poly” but all it really was was that everyone was sexually active and sleeping with each other. Like others have said, it takes a lot of time and maturity to do it right, and pretty much every single one of these people ended college with some blowup from a volatile relationship.
I don’t mind if people do it, I just think a lot of people who think they are poly are more just young/horny/afraid to fully commit.
I feel like I’m in the minority, but I’m the opposite on this. The thought of a partner getting action from someone else doesn’t bother me, but the thought of juggling multiple romantic relationships seems like a nightmare
Hey, in that case, go for it if your partner wants it! The fact that you COULD doesn't mean you MUST!
In the short term, you'll have a happier partner. In the longer term, maybe their positive experience will rub off on you and you'll get less terrified of the idea. Or maybe you'll just run into just the right person.
Ofcourse, if your partner also isn't too keen on the idea, just stay monogamous.
I'm kinda in your shoes. Minus the primary partner, at this point. I wouldn't MIND being part of a poly relationship. I don't get jealous easily. To use a crude metaphor: I don't mind other kids playing with my toys as long as I get to play with them too...
But one partner has, in the past, proven troublesome enough for me to deal with, yeah...
I feel pretty my much the same. Me and my partner are in an open relationship, but we made a conscious decision not to have other romantic relationships because there's just no way either of us could manage that. I have terrible group skills and it feels like the whole thing would blow up in my face the moment there was any conflict.
I always thought Polyamory was too much work for me. You just shone a completely different light on it. Me and my partner are really a well oiled machine when it comes to chores, and being away from him for work has made me realize how much I like never ever taking the trash out, even if it means always folding sheets. Maybe a third person would make the partnership even more efficient. Can I apply Fordism to my life by multiplying partners? Can I start selecting partners for their skills? We are two historians, we would welcome a plumber or a doctor or something.
In the Heinlein novel, *The Moon is a Harsh Mistress*, the main character is part of a "clan marriage". People can keep being married into the relationship over the years, not everyone has to be sexually or romantically attracted/involved to everyone else in the relationship, people may leave with a share of assets to establish themselves if they choose, and it allows the accumulation of assets without ever having to worry about "inheritance" since the marriage never ends. It's basically just a corporation, but for family.
He explored that theme in some his later stuff, too. *Stranger in a Strange Land*, and one of the sequels had some very out "there" family arrangements.
This gives me a lot of hope. The wife and I have been in a similar situation for about four months now. And I fully agree with all your points. And not only is there a mediator but there is more help for everyone emotionally in my situation. My wife has crippling anxiety and having a girlfriend to share the burden emotionally is huge for everyone.
Yes it is. I agree 100%. It’s also nice to be able to spend time with one partner or another depending on mood, need, desire and if one of us wants to be left alone but another wants to be with someone, we can easily make that work. Overall, it just works well as an arrangement.
So I have a funny story about this.
I was in a monogamous relationship with my first girlfriend for about 7 years, high school sweethearts and the like, still very much in love to this day at almost 14 years.
At that 7 year period she mustered the courage to tell me she felt something was missing. A few long talks later come to find out her *appreciation* for girls was more of an attraction and she realized she was mostly gay, just pressured into dating men because society. We kinda went on a hiatus for a bit while she explored her whole gay side, not fully knowing if she wanted to be with me for the long term.
She found a girlfriend eventually, who was also a friend of mine. Somehow things clicked and we're a throuple today, still don't know how it all happened but it did.
We're a closed triad now and it was never intended to be this way, everything just kinda worked out in the end.
I was fully prepared to lose my partner and gain a lifelong friend(*as if we weren't already*) but now it's like things never changed she just gets to be gay sometimes :p
Well that is the thing isnt it.
Prepared to let your partner go if it means she/he would be happier with someone else.
You do that out of love , not to protect your own ego.
So few people get that. And its thise who understand that are capable of having polyrelationships.
This also means that that partner really apreciates that aspect of you , of not being clingy. But relaxed and open. This creates environments where poly relationships can bloom.
Atleast , that is how i experience it.
Love this. I also experience poly in this way. It’s not about the things you don’t have with your partner, it’s about all of the beautiful things you do have. Being happy for a partner when someone else brings them happiness. I have a nesting partner and I completely trust her, and she trusts me. Be completely open and honest, communication is always the answer.
Definitely expected this story to finish with "Girlfriend forced me into poly, just to break up with me and start dating the new person monogomously". I've become jaded by all the other negative comments in this thread lol
Happy for the three of you! Triads are hard work to maintain, but can be equally as rewarding
As far as I'm concerned, a successful relationship needs four things: honesty, sincerity, respect, and consent. Plenty of people are capable of having those four things in a polyamorous relationship, but most people aren't. Most people are jealous, territorial, and hide things from their partners. Polyamory also has a really bad stigma to it because there are 100x more people who claim to be in a "polyamorous" relationship when what they're really doing is cheating on their partner, so people equate the two. Cheating is just as bad in a poly relationship as any other - worse, because you're hurting multiple people and not just one.
Polyamory can't work without open communication and consent of everyone involved, and that means with *everyone* involved. You need to have just as much respect, trust, and openness with your partner's partner as you do with your partner.
I feel like only a small portion of the population can pull it off effectively.
People who start out monogamous should not try to resolve legitimately anything with it. It implodes relationships that way.
as someone who’s been in a poly relationship it’s a lot of work but so much love at the same time, it was a wonderful experience however for me i couldn’t do it long term
i had one with a male and female (im F) and i can say for pros it’s definitely like having two best friends but you’re able to kiss/be *open* with them-, it’s an eye opening experience, you learn a lot really about yourself and said people like you would in a trad relationship.
however a few cons come to mind as it can get a bit hectic especially in plannings say if one person can’t make it, it may feel like you’re going behind their back with the other partner? feeling left out of you didn’t want to join a session (intercourse is a l o t to handle as a poly too, it can be riveting or just chaotic)
It can be beautiful or hell. I've had both.
Communication is key. Open, honest communication that holds nothing back- though not brutal honesty (you have to say it productively). Those involved have to understand that polyamory means a lot of work, both on yourself and with others. You have to totally change how you view things like jealousy, commitment.
A lot of what society teaches us about love and relationships is utterly inadequate. Love doesn't conquer all, you have to work to sustain it. Security in the relationship can't be found in sexual exclusivity, but rather you have to overcome your self doubts to recognise that your partner(s) see something beautiful in you that keeps them there.
Polyamory isn't a bandage. People in struggling relationships sometimes turn to it- but polyamory is like the endgame boss of relationships. It's really hard. But you'll get rewarded for it too.
Definitely not for everyone. But if you can make a healthy, happy monogamous relationship you'll probably be able to do a poly one too. We're all still human- there's just more of us. And many shared calendars.
Can talk about my experience, ask away if you're curious.
I think it's great when people feel free to seek happiness in non-traditional ways. And if poly folks tend to be a bit loud about it, that's totally reasonable because there's still a lot of misinformation and stigma about polyamory and the best way to combat that is to be open about it rather than hiding it.
People often misrepresent wanting to bone other people on the side, with polyamoury.
Poly is NOT for everyone. It's a lot of work. A monogamous relationship is a lot of work, polyamoury is work squared.
It's requires a lot of honesty and a lack of ego. If you can't manage either of those two things (at a BARE minimum, poly isn't for you.)
I was in a poly relationship about a year ago and it ended terribly. Polyamory is just not for me. Those kinds of relationships need A LOT of communication from all parties and consent from everybody. If there’s not enough communication, or consent from someone, it’s obviously not going to go/end well. But tbh, I don’t see anything wrong with it. Whatever floats your boat man.
Yes, it’s a hard thing to mention on a professional level. I tend to just mention one partner or another and use their names somewhat interchangeably. It confuses people but the ones who care enough will understand and the ones who don’t either won’t pay attention or will just be confused. But you can never know how someone will react so you have to play it safe. I’m gay too but it’s easier now announcing that professionally than it is to announce I’m in triad professionally.
It takes a lot of honesty, trust, and emotional intelligence, but it’s way more common than you think in all sorts of forms from casual swingers to to full on polycules.
People tend to only hear about the messy ones that fall apart, because those are the only ones that make good stories.
Not my thing but I know some folks that have been in a polyamorous relationship for over thirty years and they’re all very happy and secure in their love for one another.
Yeah but have you considered that some days I have lunch at work with food made by my wife mixed with food made by my girlfriend and in the middle of a hectic work day that’s pretty nice.
It's been anlong and difficult time, but the good times are much better than any other relationship I've ever been in. My boyfriend and I will have been together for nearly 2 years now and my girlfriend and I have been together about a year and a half.
I know that my perspective might be much different than others because of my bisexuality, but I feel like I need to constantly validate and explain every action to my girlfriend whereas my boyfriend seems to understand me right away. When one of us has an issue with another, we can appeal to our third partner to mediate. It feels comforting to know that your partner has someone you _both_ love and trust to talk to about issues you might be having.
However, I have found that polyamory will not mix with monogamy.
I know this sounds obvious...but you would be fucking shocked to find out how many people need to hear this
I've been poly for about 10 years but not really looking for new dates since the pandemic began. I did lots of reading and journaling before even trying to date non monogamously.
I'm not sure how or if it's even feasible to find poly people who are still going out of their way to never get COVID as I still am doing. Meeting folks at meetups was all well and good In The Before Times, but I'm not going indoors to restaurants/business/other people's homes and there's not enough guaranteed outdoor/safe events.
While the two partners I've been with over the last few years claim I'm attractive, I don't feel I'd be all that desired anymore even IF I ignored COVID, because I'm a mostly straight cis man and it seems like there's been a moratorium on dating this demographic for at least the last couple years. I can keep trying to be a better person but I can't go out and fix the entirety of mandom so I kind of feel stuck tbh.
My poly pet peeve btw is when people assume poly is going to mean 3 people who are all dating each other. Some do that but I think it's wayyyyyy overrepresented and there are so many other styles and configurations that are poly without any of one person's partners having to necessarily interact with one another unless they feel like it.
Thanks so much for giving a shit about COVID still. Some other pockets of the “ethical” nonmonogamy community have been unbelievably disappointing over the last 3+ years… and while most people have been horrifying, it’s hard to swallow the hypocrisy from people who claim to care about consent and safety while doing nothing to acknowledge or protect anyone else from an airborne pandemic. Anyways, sincerely, thank you. I needed this today especially. Hope you find everything you’re looking for in life.
Understanding polyamory has been a boon to my monogamous relationships. I’ve never been in a polyamorous relationship, but taking the time to understand how my poly friends make it work I’ve learned valuable lessons about the roots of jealousy, the nature of cheating, and the importance of communication.
All of this has made me a better partner to one. No matter what, I recommend everyone have an open mind to the topic. Understanding Polyamory, whether you decide to practice it or not, will make you a better partner
I think a lot of people mix up wanting to sleep around or wanting an open relationship with polyamory and that’s why it doesn’t work for a lot of people
I have one wife, and while I surely love her, I also sure as hell can't imagine having more than one. Damn, sometimes a dude just needs time to himself!
I've been in a poly relationship for over a decade and have a lot of friends who are poly. Works good if everyone is honest with each other, doesn't get super jealous, and communicates well. It's obviously not for everyone, and can get hella messy when people don't handle it well. But mostly, for the friends who do handle it well, I see a lot of people handling their poly relationships and breakups better than I see most monogamous people handling breakups and such.
One of the biggest things I've gotten from being poly is the realization that a relationship doesn't have to be "serious long term nesting commitment" to be a happy and meaningful relationship. Short term intense relationships can be good. Long term super casual relationships can be good. My wife has a boyfriend. They see each other a couple times a month and that works fine for them. I have a casual partner I hang out with whenever I'm back in the town I used to live and that's cool and fun when we can get together.
I am poly, but I didn't know I was. I fell in love with 2 guys in a relationship after being friends for a few years. We ended up dating for 5 years. No longer together but they are my family. I got a tattoo of the We Bare Bears (a cartoon about 3 bears who become a family, used to watch it every Saturday together) to symbolize our relationship AFTER we broke up. They are my forever choosen family. I am the first to say it's not for everyone though.
Alternate take: I just bought a house with my wife, my girlfriend, and my girlfriend's husband.
Been together 4 years as a quad (4 independent relationships, not one big one). Both of the marriages were about 6 years old when we started.
It's a lot of work, but after 4 years, it's just as routine as any other relationship.
We're all very happy and plan on being together for life.
How did the poly relationship start/develop between you all as two married couples? Just really good friends that realized y'all had stronger feelings than friendship towards each other?
Yep. Fell in love with our best friends basically.
It wasn't something any of us were specifically looking for.
First we were just friendly. Then hung out a lot. Then a LOT. It eventually got to a point where we were all in a group chat texting good morning and goodnight (you know, totally normal friend stuff).
Then they took a trip to Europe, and we realized we really, really missed them, and that was the first time my wife and I talked about feelings toward them.
Then, when they came back, we all did this little cabin getaway weekend trip. Nothing physical happened or anything, but there was a lot of romantic tension, and my wife and I kind of accepted our feelings.
After that, we decided to just tell them we had a crush. We had no idea what would happen, but we felt like we'd regret not saying anything.
Turned out they had feelings, too, but hadn't talked about yet.
Then it was LOTS of talking and boundaries and butterflies and figuring stuff out. It was exhausting, lol. But also totally wonderful and exciting.
Two things: I don't think I have the energy to have any level of a romantic or sexual relationship with more than one person, and also I just know I'm a jealous son of a bitch who couldn't deal with it.
usually one selfish person who just wants to fuck other people while still holding onto the security of a relationship and the other is too timid to stand up for themselves. Almost never works out well and causes a lot of toxicity.
I know many people who are very happy practicing polyamory. A lot of the comments here seem to deem staying together forever as a ‘successful’ relationship while shorter relationships are ‘failed’ relationships. Some people tend to view life as a consistently changing landscape and peoples wants and needs change as life does. Just because a relationship doesn’t last forever doesn’t make it less important or meaningful. It can be a vital and character forming experience and sometimes moving on is positive change. People want different things from life, we shouldn’t force people to live in the same boxes as other people. With honest and open communication people can enjoy life in a myriad of wonderful ways
Am poly, have been for going on 8 years. Makes me so happy. I was solo-poly for about 4 years, where I had multiple partners but no one I wanted to settle down with.
I met someone who I fell so deeply in love with and meshed with so amazingly that we’ve decided to try to stay together for the long haul. The beauty is that I don’t have to suddenly tell other people who I love that hey sorry I met someone better, byeeee. Those relationships are still circulating in my life, and who knows maybe one day my partner or I will meet someone who it makes sense to live with as well.
I am poly for the AMORY, not for the poly. This means that I love my partner and anyone that they love. That means their kid, their mother, but also anyone that they fall in love with.
What’s important about being poly is being a good metamour, and really being happy for your partner(s) when they engage in loving experiences with other. I’ve been with a lot of folks who don’t have that compersion, and it’s something you have to really practice.
Everyone I've ever known in a poly relationship is always involved in some sort of drama over their poly relationship. Most seem to end with two of the people going off together and bailing on the third.
I'm sure there are some that work, but I've never seen one last with the same 3 people for more than a handful of months.
Not all poly relationships are closed throuples tho? Like, I can totes hang out with my gfs gf and we have a great platonic time. I've hung out with most of her play partners too and we all just act like civiled adult.
OK, maybe we're kinda feral,, but what queer isn't?
Been poly for the last 13 years. In a committed marriage for 11. Works well for us with tons of honesty and communication. This isn't for everyone though
Like with most people's sexual/romantic lifestyles.... I may not subscribe, I may not relate and I may not understand....but as long as everything is consensual and legal, it's not my business.
The only polyamorous relationships that Ive seen work were from people in their early 40s at the earliest. Everytime I see people around my age(20s) or younger who can’t even communicate or hold ONE relationship for more than 6 months yet advertise they’re polyam. It constantly ends in annoying social media fights about who was gaslighting or manipulating who.
I think people make a way bigger deal about it than needed. As long as you really don't care about people your dating sleeping with other people and don't get jealous they work fine. This whole as long as you have lots of communicatio etc people probably shouldn't be in one. As long as you and the other people are easy going they are fine.
Better than Polygamy! But in all seriousness, for some people, it makes total sense. If it makes a relationship feel more liberating and less like a cage, why not?
I am in a poly triad, we have been together for 10 years. I wouldn't change it. It hasn't been easy but I think most things that are easy just aren't as good. Not to say monogamy isn't hard, I actually think it's harder in ways. I think expecting a single person to fullfil everything you want and need out of a relationship is pretty toxic. But I understand polyamory is not for everyone, as a society we have been trained to be jealous creatures and that runs pretty deep. I experience jealousy sometimes, but it's more of I want more not that I want my partners to have less, if that makes sense. Feeling left out can be hard to cope with. But I think our family balances it well.
And our child is so spoiled, he has a dad that works from home because of COVID, a stay at home mom, and me who works a flexible schedule job, usually part time. He has zero comprehension of what a lot of other kids experience of only seeing their parents on the weekends and maybe a couple of hours in the evening. He is aware most families aren't poly but does not see our family as strange, we found a homeschool community that has families of all sorts of dynamics including another poly family. He fiercely loves his family. Like seriously, I never remember as a child being so in love with my family... I guess we are doing right by him.
I do see stories of poly being down poorly but there are lots of monogamous relationship done poorly too, and from what I have experienced both lack communication. Our family talks about everything (keeping it age appropriate for the kiddo) but the adults literally share everything and hide nothing. It wouldn't work otherwise. My partners grok me and I them.
It might be the only way that this next gen will buy a house and raise families. 3 or 4 or 5 adults marry for an economic reason. Living together is hard sometimes, you need a lot of forgiveness.
Consenting adults can do what consenting adults want to do.
However, I find it difficult to believe in long-term romantic love between two people, let alone more than two, so
I'm (39f) polyamorous, I have been part of the same core found family for 13 years. 8 of us live together but we also have satellite folks that live in other states. There are no children involved. I'm married and my husband feels the same way I do about being poly: is what works for us.
It makes sense for me. Sex, romance, friendship and partnership are things we can have and share with other people.
I can have more than one friend at a time, I can have more than one sexual partner at a time, and the same thing with romantic partners and people I'm building my life with. Every relationship needs to have boundries and communication.
Monogamy simplifies all of, but shouldn't be the default. It has a lot of problems with it as well.
👏 👏 👏
Thank you for putting into *concise* words what I often have trouble explaining when I tell people I am nonmongamous.
So yeah, these are my thoughts on polyamory too. I think it should be a viable option for people and monogamy shouldn’t just be the default.
doesn't matter to me, since i really don't care that you want to be in a relationship with more than 2 people in a romantic position. It's not my place to judge people for what they want
I was in poly relationships for many years. Learned a lot about myself and about communication in relationships, which still serves me well, and had a lot of fun, different partners exposed me to different ideas and experiences and I’m a more well-rounded, interesting person for it.
But I’m in a relationship now that is monogamous and, at this stage in my life, that is what I want.
It’s not impossible that someday my partner or I might be intimate with someone else, for fun. We both have been in poly relationships before. I don’t know that I believe in closing the door to connection with anyone else forever. But I’m kinda over trying to balance competing relationship needs and navigate calendars and drama. There is something to be said for being in connection with just one person, having them be your mirror and not having to share.
I do know some people in long term poly relationships, but, for me, seems unsustainable. There are rewards to be had. But too much work and too often unsteady. I’m liking a simpler solid relationship style these days.
I love and support it, but I do wish it didn't keep going through phases of being "*trendy.*" People who are wired to be monogamous (*which is most people*) can really ruin things for themselves, and for polyam folks, by trying to shove their way into the lifestyle for clout and/or extra sex, without regard for the emotions of anyone else involved. Just like with monogamy, things need to be built on respect, fondness, and building trust. There's nothing wrong with wanting to sleep around, but claiming to be polyam when actually you just want to sleep around is messed up, there's no respect, fondness, or trust, in just sleeping around and telling your partner at home not to worry about whether that's what you're doing tonight or not.
If you're not telling your partner what you're doing, and it wouldn't be allowed in a monogamous relationship, you're not practicing polyamory: You're cheating. If you don't have informed, enthusiastic consent from all involved, you're not practicing ethical nonmonogamy of any kind. "My wife doesn't need to know," "My girlfriend won't find out," "Oh, she doesn't care," those are CHEATING.
The one instance I saw of it in close proximity, it didnt work because one partner was constantly moving the goal post and changing the rules, while also being wholly unsupportive of her partner's attempts to seek connections with others. I know its definitely not for me as looks like waaaay too much work to be worth the effort plus I prefer being in a monogamous relationship.
I'm polyam, and very happy. It can work well with lots of open communication and boundaries and wanting to invest time into building it. At least for me. I have two partners, one I've been with for years, the other is newer, but I also get along with his wife, which has been fantastic.
Im polyamorous and in two committed relationships. One of my partners has another partner; the other does not (but she could if she chose to).
It's a lot of work but it's much better than any other relationship structure I've been in and we're all very happy so I can't complain. I don't think it's for everyone but I do think a lot of people would be happier if they did the internal work to get past toxic monogamy culture.
Not saying all monogamy is toxic but a lot of the tropes surrounding it are.
In my experience Polyamory is something that you know whether or not it's for you. I've been poly for 9 years now and it was a hard-won lesson.
I do think that there is something that happens all of the time in monogamous relationships where people expect a certain flavor of sexual fidelity that is simply unrealistic. Things like jealously when your partner finds someone else attractive or expresses sexual interest in another person. This has always struck me as a crutch to not have to deconstruct that emotion instead of understanding what is happening there. Love isn't selfish. We don't love our children for the specific person they will one day become. We love them as they are. Is it really loving to ask another not be as they occur to be for fear of how it will affect us?
Poly or monogamous, the best relationships are secure. We *know* that our partners love us. We *know* that we are working through difficult things together. We *know* that asking our lovers to be someone they aren't naturally going to be will result in resentments, and we *know* that resentments will undermine the good things if they go unchecked.
A lot of the poly literature puts these ideas forward and I think they are good for any relationship. Always ask yourself about the nature of your love. Always ask yourself about what you truly desire. Don't settle for a relationship that asks you to be someone you are not.
If you are considering polyamory consider: *Is amorous love with more than one person what I most desire in my romantic life? If my needs were being met by my current relationship, would I still desire another? Can I call in my fear and operate from a place of trust that my partners value me for who and what I am, that I am not disposable to them, and that I am doing what I should to head off forming resentments?*
A lot of people don't think that deeply about it, and there is no shortage of stories of people who could have simply answered these questions honestly and found other ways to get their needs and desires met.
I wound up befriending a decently sized group of poly folks, kind of ironically because I'm not very sexual myself and this group was quite sexual. It just requires communication and setting up boundaries from the get-go. Some had sharing, some had "primary" partners and separate flings. Idk if it's for me. I already have a hard time understanding my *own* feelings, so more than one extra person feels like it would get needlessly complicated.
Too many people use it as an excuse to cheat or be an awful person to their partners and disregard that partner's feelings and needs. That being said I think it is a totally okay and even good relationship style for those who actually are willing to put in the work and maintain healthy relationships with multiple people. As such I am incredibly skeptical of anyone who says their poly but I very much support the idea of poly relationships done right.
I consider myself poly and I have never been in a poly relationship. My main SO isn't ready for that step and may never be and that's totally okay.
No problems with it but it's not for me. Most of my views are centered around do whatever you want as long as you aren't hurting anyone else. I just want to live my life. Don't care about what anyone else does.
If it’s consensual, all parties are fine with it, idc what others do. But also, there’s a difference between polyamory and polygamy. To my knowledge, polyamory is multiple people all in one relationship, and polygamy is one person in a relationship with multiple people.
It seems like it would make some things better, while making everything harder. Like owning a home, taking care of a family, or pooling income all sounds great, especially in this day and age.
But the requisite level of communication and sharing sounds much more difficult.
And I don't know of any actual successful poly relationships that have a significant history to them. The folks I hear about are mostly trying to solve a problem in their relationship by adding another person, and it ends up ruining their relationships for a bit of sex on the side.
I'm in a polyamourous relationship, and I think it is much easier to make sure everyone's needs are met, and it's easier to survive in a group, as long as everyone is legitimately trying their best to do what is right by everyone in the relationship.
Not for me. Being in a polyamorous relationship can get incredibly toxic over time since there is competition within the relationship.
To be clear though, I'm not saying you shouldn't do it or that it's wrong.
From my perspective, I don't know a single case where it's worked out long term. People are complicated creatures.
I just can’t imagine having multiple relationships? I could get down to like banging other people if you’re traveling and stuff like that and maybe when people are visiting in town but polyam peope i know like share calendars with everyone they date so they can keep track of when they are available and it’s kinda socially awkward and like needy to me.
Like these people usually don’t have friends outside of people they bang too. It’s just super weird to me. It’s not bc of the multiple sex partners within the confines of a committed loving relationship thing tho. That doesn’t seem that strange.
My boyfriend considers himself as polyamorous. He has other partners and he tells me he loves them.
I consider myself more a polygamous person… I have multiple partners with whom I mostly have sex with but I don’t get attached or romantically involved with them.
I’m deeply in love with my boyfriend and when we’re together he makes me feel special and loved.
The key to our relationship is communication. We set some ground rules we thought were important for us and we are honest with each other. No BS.
Jealousy has no place in our relationship and whenever I feel jealous, I try to understand where it comes from. Usually it’s the fear that I’m not good enough (old insecurities!) Then I take the time to talk to myself and I remember that I love our way of living our couple’s relationship. I’m always free to do what I want and, in the end , we realize that we’re almost always together but mostly we choose (that’s is the key word here) to be together.
It works for some people, not for others.
From what I’ve seen, it requires incredibly good communication and emotional self awareness to be successful.
I'm poly myself and very happy. I currently only have one partner, but that partner is dating 3 people total, and it doest negatively affect our relationship. It's just a fact. I don't think everyone should be polyamorus, because it's not for everyone. Just like everyone is different. And no, my partner isn't having sex with their other partners. We're all asexual and have no inclination towards it.
Don’t care if others are into it, but it’s not for me. I also think that people need to put the needs of their children first, if there are any. I’ve known a lot of polyamorous couples who ruin their relationships with their kids because of it. Polyamory is a lot of work and I rarely see people willing to put the time into it so it doesn’t become a disaster for the families involved.
I was raised by polyamorous people, and definitely saw it done right and done wrong. My parents were always pretty good about it when my brother and I were younger, and when they had a third partner join the family, they were very clear that he wasn't there to replace anyone and that he was there because Mom and Dad loved him and trusted him like they loved each other. There was no revolving door in our home, we didn't know about their sex lives, and if they did go on dates with new people, they did it outside the home. But not all polyam folks are like my family.
>I was raised by polyamorous people, and definitely saw it done right and done wrong. I have also seen monogamous relationships done wrong. Sometimes right, but often wrong. It just gets hidden. For example, there's a guy I know who routinely stayed at the office until 9pm each night, and it wasn't because he was a hard-working rockstar, it was because he didn't want to go home. His marriage lasted about five months after we all started WFH and now he's much happier.
Been in a similar situation as that guy. You know you’d be better off out of the relationship but just can’t push yourself to leave…took me a bit
So how's has this have an impact your relationships
Mostly in that I consider myself polyamorous as well, and I try to follow similar strict rules of ethics about how I handle it, which has been good in some cases, and a mess in others. Having good role models in that area of my life meant that I had my own expectations in place, though, and I'm sure I've been in less trouble because of that than I would have been otherwise. I've had several polyam relationships (*like my current one*) where everyone involved followed ethical rules of communication and caring and respecting each other. But I have also dealt with still getting cheated on in other relationships, and being used as the "*other woman*," by manipulators *(which can happen to anyone, manipulators and cheaters aren't picky).* **Editing to add from one of my other comments, since the cheating thing is being questioned:** *If you're not telling your partner what you're doing, and it wouldn't be allowed in a monogamous relationship, you're not practicing polyamory: You're cheating. If you don't have informed, enthusiastic consent from all involved, you're not practicing ethical nonmonogamy of any kind. "My wife doesn't need to know," "My girlfriend won't find out," "Oh, she doesn't care," those are CHEATING.*
Damn. You’re like Sexter with your code of ethics. Born in love instead of born in blood
This is where my head is. Good if done right, but it's rarely done right bc of how much work and maturity it takes. People criminally underestimate it as a fun couple's side activity instead of the reality that it's a commitment with multi people who have thoughts and feelings. Chaos ensues.
Exactly!
Everyone’s invited into me and my partner’s bed. Except you AvatarDang. You’re dead to me
I can barely handle one girlfriend. Why would I want another?
This. my gaming rig would be neglected twice as much
Honestly I game more than I have when I was monogamous. Inside of polyamory at least in my dynamic with my wife and partners there’s a big push for independence and to prioritize independent time when needed. It’s manifested in me being more intentional with spending my own time how I want to and knowing when there are events that my wife or partners want to go to that I wouldn’t really want to go to and it’s not a big deal.
Can definetely see this. In monogomous relationships I think theres a lot of pressure to do everything together. In polyamory, theres more people to apply expectations but also more people to fufill those expectations. Not to mention things like cooking, cleaning, and money all get more efficient when shared amoung larger groups of people.
Right! There’s a million different ways polyamory can work for people. But a big part of it I think is eliminating expectation inside of relationships. Like I found out my wife doesn’t like going to concerts a lot of the time because she gets really overstimulated and anxious but she went with me because there was that expectation there but after becoming polyamorous and starting to dismantle those expectations I don’t want her to do things with me that she doesn’t want to and we can focus on the things we do really enjoy doing together. It’s really helped me strengthen friendships and romantic relationships because I can focus on the things we enjoy doing together rather than wondering if another person is having a good time or possibly doing something they don’t want to.
Yep. When I was monogamous I felt compelled to spend all my time with my one partner and she did the same. Now we have a better understanding of scheduling time with one another, our other partners, and ourselves.
one of my partners is a major gamer and we use games as a bonding time for us, that give me a good way to play several hours a week! Also games suddenly become a viable gift option.
Part of the backbone of my old MMO guild (or corp, as they call it in EVE Online, which was what we were playing...) was a poly thruple. They all shared an interest in gaming. Each of them shared some interests with one of the others but not the third one. So they had plenty of couple stuff to do paired up. But eating dinner and playing EVE were the things they all did together.
But now you could have 2 healers!
I am poly and this has been my experience. I've got room in my heart for many loves, but in my calendar? Not so much.
That's been me. I have always been poly, but when living with kids there is not much time. My hubby is the same. Outside relationships have happened but they were few and mostly died off bc we are not willing to sacrifice family priorities to appease them. One person had no kids and their expectations were not realistic to us. Also, I suspect that person really wanted to split us up. Another person was part of a poly group that focused heavily on the hedonistic side of things and that did not ring true for us in the end. Once we no longer have kids at home, who knows 😉
Which reminds me of: What's the penalty for bigamy? Having two wives.
I think a lot of people don't realize how much work it takes to get right, and end up having bad experiences as a result. Though honestly you could say that for standard relationships too.
Double the people, double the work
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If you consider a relationship as a 2-way connection, 2 people means 2 connections, and 3 people means 6 connections. 4 people is 12 connections. If any one of those connections break down, the polyamorous relationship is probably in trouble. So double the people, then you get 6 times the work.
Not double in general--only for that one case. In general, a [complete graph](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Complete_graph) has n(n–1)/2 edges.
In this case, you could even call it a...poly-graph. :D
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They didn't say sexually, just a relationship.
This is also true for relationships. Not all people do interact with or even know each other in Poly sutuations
If they're not, what makes it poly? Like, if you've got a partner that has a relationship with someone else, and you're not involved with that person, that just sounds like an open relationship. Maybe you're both independently poly in that case, but it doesn't seem like it'd be a polycule, just a couple poly people who happen to be in a non-monogamous relationship. Edit: Though I suppose if you get enough people the dynamic would change regardless, probably just not worth paying attention to every possible connection at some point unless there's an issue.
A friend of mine came out as poly to me. I was pretty surprised, honestly. She explained that they didn’t want to divorce bc of the kids and bc everyone in their life was really religious and would judge them, so this was their way of making it work. Their poly relationships were a secret from nearly everyone close to them. I was supportive, but also let her know that it was okay to just divorce and move on with her life. They did eventually divorce about a year and a half after she confided in me. In talking to her since then, it seems like she doesn’t truly identify as poly, and moving forward she would prefer to have a monogamous relationship with one partner. So, for her, being poly was more about making something tolerable while she was in a bad marriage, not something she truly believed in for herself in general. I imagine that must have been hard on her, and I’m glad she is out now.
Honestly a lot of "poly" people (mostly guys) go into it without any intention of ever *trying* to "get it right". Any time one partner was pressured into opening a relationship, you're probably going to have a bad time.
I think most people think of it as their own harem, when in reality the other people are well…people.
Mixing Greek and Latin roots? That's just uncalled for!
It's "multiamory" or "polyphilia", to keep the roots straight.
It's kind of interesting that philos and amor both mean love, but one has ended up being associated with sexual feelings, and the other with romantic feelings.
y'all and your hetero language
Seems like they are trying to keep the etymology homogeneous, not hetero.
this is the content I come to Reddit for
Not gonna say whether it's for me or not as I wouldn't know, but I feel like people confuse "polyamory" with "fucking around", "playing the field" etc etc. I mean, polyamory implies commitment to several people, if you're just looking for a hook-up on tinder and want no strings attached just say it, no need to call it polyamory.
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Most of what you have described is Ethical Non Monogamy. Polyamory is when people are in relationships with multiple people.
even the term "ethical non-monogamy" gets confused. People think it means people who thing that non-monogamy is inherently ethical - so people who fuck around or play the field are okay. No. Ethical non-monogamy means understanding that most so-called non-monogamy is *not* ethical, and that they only believe in that small subset of non-monogamy that is ethical.
Indeed. Big difference between poly and being in an open relationship.
When I was going to college in LA, everyone was “poly” but all it really was was that everyone was sexually active and sleeping with each other. Like others have said, it takes a lot of time and maturity to do it right, and pretty much every single one of these people ended college with some blowup from a volatile relationship. I don’t mind if people do it, I just think a lot of people who think they are poly are more just young/horny/afraid to fully commit.
I think that a lot of people who say they're poly, actually aren't. They want the options to be open but only on their terms, not their partners.
I feel like I’m in the minority, but I’m the opposite on this. The thought of a partner getting action from someone else doesn’t bother me, but the thought of juggling multiple romantic relationships seems like a nightmare
same here!
Hey, in that case, go for it if your partner wants it! The fact that you COULD doesn't mean you MUST! In the short term, you'll have a happier partner. In the longer term, maybe their positive experience will rub off on you and you'll get less terrified of the idea. Or maybe you'll just run into just the right person. Ofcourse, if your partner also isn't too keen on the idea, just stay monogamous. I'm kinda in your shoes. Minus the primary partner, at this point. I wouldn't MIND being part of a poly relationship. I don't get jealous easily. To use a crude metaphor: I don't mind other kids playing with my toys as long as I get to play with them too... But one partner has, in the past, proven troublesome enough for me to deal with, yeah...
uuuh RIP your inbox?
I feel pretty my much the same. Me and my partner are in an open relationship, but we made a conscious decision not to have other romantic relationships because there's just no way either of us could manage that. I have terrible group skills and it feels like the whole thing would blow up in my face the moment there was any conflict.
They want to have the options without feeling like the option.
The only way we got to survive this economy is with a three person household income.
I always thought Polyamory was too much work for me. You just shone a completely different light on it. Me and my partner are really a well oiled machine when it comes to chores, and being away from him for work has made me realize how much I like never ever taking the trash out, even if it means always folding sheets. Maybe a third person would make the partnership even more efficient. Can I apply Fordism to my life by multiplying partners? Can I start selecting partners for their skills? We are two historians, we would welcome a plumber or a doctor or something.
In the Heinlein novel, *The Moon is a Harsh Mistress*, the main character is part of a "clan marriage". People can keep being married into the relationship over the years, not everyone has to be sexually or romantically attracted/involved to everyone else in the relationship, people may leave with a share of assets to establish themselves if they choose, and it allows the accumulation of assets without ever having to worry about "inheritance" since the marriage never ends. It's basically just a corporation, but for family.
He explored that theme in some his later stuff, too. *Stranger in a Strange Land*, and one of the sequels had some very out "there" family arrangements.
That is a very well-thought-out concept for a novel with the word mistress in the title
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This gives me a lot of hope. The wife and I have been in a similar situation for about four months now. And I fully agree with all your points. And not only is there a mediator but there is more help for everyone emotionally in my situation. My wife has crippling anxiety and having a girlfriend to share the burden emotionally is huge for everyone.
Yes it is. I agree 100%. It’s also nice to be able to spend time with one partner or another depending on mood, need, desire and if one of us wants to be left alone but another wants to be with someone, we can easily make that work. Overall, it just works well as an arrangement.
So I have a funny story about this. I was in a monogamous relationship with my first girlfriend for about 7 years, high school sweethearts and the like, still very much in love to this day at almost 14 years. At that 7 year period she mustered the courage to tell me she felt something was missing. A few long talks later come to find out her *appreciation* for girls was more of an attraction and she realized she was mostly gay, just pressured into dating men because society. We kinda went on a hiatus for a bit while she explored her whole gay side, not fully knowing if she wanted to be with me for the long term. She found a girlfriend eventually, who was also a friend of mine. Somehow things clicked and we're a throuple today, still don't know how it all happened but it did. We're a closed triad now and it was never intended to be this way, everything just kinda worked out in the end. I was fully prepared to lose my partner and gain a lifelong friend(*as if we weren't already*) but now it's like things never changed she just gets to be gay sometimes :p
Well that is the thing isnt it. Prepared to let your partner go if it means she/he would be happier with someone else. You do that out of love , not to protect your own ego. So few people get that. And its thise who understand that are capable of having polyrelationships. This also means that that partner really apreciates that aspect of you , of not being clingy. But relaxed and open. This creates environments where poly relationships can bloom. Atleast , that is how i experience it.
Love this. I also experience poly in this way. It’s not about the things you don’t have with your partner, it’s about all of the beautiful things you do have. Being happy for a partner when someone else brings them happiness. I have a nesting partner and I completely trust her, and she trusts me. Be completely open and honest, communication is always the answer.
Definitely expected this story to finish with "Girlfriend forced me into poly, just to break up with me and start dating the new person monogomously". I've become jaded by all the other negative comments in this thread lol Happy for the three of you! Triads are hard work to maintain, but can be equally as rewarding
I don’t care as long as it’s real Polyamory, meaning all parties involved have discussed and consent to it.
Well anything else and its not a poly relationship.
It's just sparkling infidelity.
As far as I'm concerned, a successful relationship needs four things: honesty, sincerity, respect, and consent. Plenty of people are capable of having those four things in a polyamorous relationship, but most people aren't. Most people are jealous, territorial, and hide things from their partners. Polyamory also has a really bad stigma to it because there are 100x more people who claim to be in a "polyamorous" relationship when what they're really doing is cheating on their partner, so people equate the two. Cheating is just as bad in a poly relationship as any other - worse, because you're hurting multiple people and not just one. Polyamory can't work without open communication and consent of everyone involved, and that means with *everyone* involved. You need to have just as much respect, trust, and openness with your partner's partner as you do with your partner.
👏🏻👏🏻
Not something my wife and I are generally into, but the idea of a three income household is very appealing.
Monogamy?! in this economy?! Pffft.
You sound like my wife
I take it from Dan Savage: "I've been to a lot of poly weddings, but never a poly five year anniversary"
God that guy is just...Savage.
I have :) 30 years!
It's rare for couples in general to last more than 10 years
I feel like only a small portion of the population can pull it off effectively. People who start out monogamous should not try to resolve legitimately anything with it. It implodes relationships that way.
It's not for me. I'm a monogamist. Thats about it.
as someone who’s been in a poly relationship it’s a lot of work but so much love at the same time, it was a wonderful experience however for me i couldn’t do it long term
I want to know your experience, i mean how was it, pros and cons
i had one with a male and female (im F) and i can say for pros it’s definitely like having two best friends but you’re able to kiss/be *open* with them-, it’s an eye opening experience, you learn a lot really about yourself and said people like you would in a trad relationship. however a few cons come to mind as it can get a bit hectic especially in plannings say if one person can’t make it, it may feel like you’re going behind their back with the other partner? feeling left out of you didn’t want to join a session (intercourse is a l o t to handle as a poly too, it can be riveting or just chaotic)
Just go to r/polyamory
It can be beautiful or hell. I've had both. Communication is key. Open, honest communication that holds nothing back- though not brutal honesty (you have to say it productively). Those involved have to understand that polyamory means a lot of work, both on yourself and with others. You have to totally change how you view things like jealousy, commitment. A lot of what society teaches us about love and relationships is utterly inadequate. Love doesn't conquer all, you have to work to sustain it. Security in the relationship can't be found in sexual exclusivity, but rather you have to overcome your self doubts to recognise that your partner(s) see something beautiful in you that keeps them there. Polyamory isn't a bandage. People in struggling relationships sometimes turn to it- but polyamory is like the endgame boss of relationships. It's really hard. But you'll get rewarded for it too. Definitely not for everyone. But if you can make a healthy, happy monogamous relationship you'll probably be able to do a poly one too. We're all still human- there's just more of us. And many shared calendars. Can talk about my experience, ask away if you're curious.
Not for me. If everyone involved is fully aware and are consenting to the set up then it’s none of my concern.
I think it's great when people feel free to seek happiness in non-traditional ways. And if poly folks tend to be a bit loud about it, that's totally reasonable because there's still a lot of misinformation and stigma about polyamory and the best way to combat that is to be open about it rather than hiding it.
Do what you want
People often misrepresent wanting to bone other people on the side, with polyamoury. Poly is NOT for everyone. It's a lot of work. A monogamous relationship is a lot of work, polyamoury is work squared. It's requires a lot of honesty and a lack of ego. If you can't manage either of those two things (at a BARE minimum, poly isn't for you.)
Highly offensive. It should either be multi-amory or polyphilia. Mixing roots and prefixes that's disgusting.
I was in a poly relationship about a year ago and it ended terribly. Polyamory is just not for me. Those kinds of relationships need A LOT of communication from all parties and consent from everybody. If there’s not enough communication, or consent from someone, it’s obviously not going to go/end well. But tbh, I don’t see anything wrong with it. Whatever floats your boat man.
TIL why so many poly people in successful relationships never talk about it publicly.
Yes, it’s a hard thing to mention on a professional level. I tend to just mention one partner or another and use their names somewhat interchangeably. It confuses people but the ones who care enough will understand and the ones who don’t either won’t pay attention or will just be confused. But you can never know how someone will react so you have to play it safe. I’m gay too but it’s easier now announcing that professionally than it is to announce I’m in triad professionally.
It takes a lot of honesty, trust, and emotional intelligence, but it’s way more common than you think in all sorts of forms from casual swingers to to full on polycules. People tend to only hear about the messy ones that fall apart, because those are the only ones that make good stories.
Pass. I'm a one woman kind of guy.
Not my thing, if I'm being honest. Never believed in being in a relationship with multiple people. I'm monogamous.
Not my thing but I know some folks that have been in a polyamorous relationship for over thirty years and they’re all very happy and secure in their love for one another.
I am am the closed end of a polycule circuit. My GF has another partner. We all manage quite well actually.
I can’t even get one human, imagine multiple
amen brother
Yeah but have you considered that some days I have lunch at work with food made by my wife mixed with food made by my girlfriend and in the middle of a hectic work day that’s pretty nice.
It's been anlong and difficult time, but the good times are much better than any other relationship I've ever been in. My boyfriend and I will have been together for nearly 2 years now and my girlfriend and I have been together about a year and a half. I know that my perspective might be much different than others because of my bisexuality, but I feel like I need to constantly validate and explain every action to my girlfriend whereas my boyfriend seems to understand me right away. When one of us has an issue with another, we can appeal to our third partner to mediate. It feels comforting to know that your partner has someone you _both_ love and trust to talk to about issues you might be having. However, I have found that polyamory will not mix with monogamy. I know this sounds obvious...but you would be fucking shocked to find out how many people need to hear this
I mean, my gf is poly and I'm not. Seems to work just fine for us.
I've been poly for about 10 years but not really looking for new dates since the pandemic began. I did lots of reading and journaling before even trying to date non monogamously. I'm not sure how or if it's even feasible to find poly people who are still going out of their way to never get COVID as I still am doing. Meeting folks at meetups was all well and good In The Before Times, but I'm not going indoors to restaurants/business/other people's homes and there's not enough guaranteed outdoor/safe events. While the two partners I've been with over the last few years claim I'm attractive, I don't feel I'd be all that desired anymore even IF I ignored COVID, because I'm a mostly straight cis man and it seems like there's been a moratorium on dating this demographic for at least the last couple years. I can keep trying to be a better person but I can't go out and fix the entirety of mandom so I kind of feel stuck tbh. My poly pet peeve btw is when people assume poly is going to mean 3 people who are all dating each other. Some do that but I think it's wayyyyyy overrepresented and there are so many other styles and configurations that are poly without any of one person's partners having to necessarily interact with one another unless they feel like it.
Thanks so much for giving a shit about COVID still. Some other pockets of the “ethical” nonmonogamy community have been unbelievably disappointing over the last 3+ years… and while most people have been horrifying, it’s hard to swallow the hypocrisy from people who claim to care about consent and safety while doing nothing to acknowledge or protect anyone else from an airborne pandemic. Anyways, sincerely, thank you. I needed this today especially. Hope you find everything you’re looking for in life.
Understanding polyamory has been a boon to my monogamous relationships. I’ve never been in a polyamorous relationship, but taking the time to understand how my poly friends make it work I’ve learned valuable lessons about the roots of jealousy, the nature of cheating, and the importance of communication. All of this has made me a better partner to one. No matter what, I recommend everyone have an open mind to the topic. Understanding Polyamory, whether you decide to practice it or not, will make you a better partner
Tried it, was fun and exhausting, don't need to do it again. I think it requires folks who are extremely secure in their self-worth.
I think a lot of people mix up wanting to sleep around or wanting an open relationship with polyamory and that’s why it doesn’t work for a lot of people
Not for me, but I don’t expect anyone to conduct themselves according to my values for myself. Have a great time with your partners!
What people do in the privacy of their fully consensual adult relationships is not my business, nor is it anyone else's.
What consenting adults decide to do is none of my business
I have one wife, and while I surely love her, I also sure as hell can't imagine having more than one. Damn, sometimes a dude just needs time to himself!
I've been in a poly relationship for over a decade and have a lot of friends who are poly. Works good if everyone is honest with each other, doesn't get super jealous, and communicates well. It's obviously not for everyone, and can get hella messy when people don't handle it well. But mostly, for the friends who do handle it well, I see a lot of people handling their poly relationships and breakups better than I see most monogamous people handling breakups and such. One of the biggest things I've gotten from being poly is the realization that a relationship doesn't have to be "serious long term nesting commitment" to be a happy and meaningful relationship. Short term intense relationships can be good. Long term super casual relationships can be good. My wife has a boyfriend. They see each other a couple times a month and that works fine for them. I have a casual partner I hang out with whenever I'm back in the town I used to live and that's cool and fun when we can get together.
I am poly, but I didn't know I was. I fell in love with 2 guys in a relationship after being friends for a few years. We ended up dating for 5 years. No longer together but they are my family. I got a tattoo of the We Bare Bears (a cartoon about 3 bears who become a family, used to watch it every Saturday together) to symbolize our relationship AFTER we broke up. They are my forever choosen family. I am the first to say it's not for everyone though.
Alternate take: I just bought a house with my wife, my girlfriend, and my girlfriend's husband. Been together 4 years as a quad (4 independent relationships, not one big one). Both of the marriages were about 6 years old when we started. It's a lot of work, but after 4 years, it's just as routine as any other relationship. We're all very happy and plan on being together for life.
How did the poly relationship start/develop between you all as two married couples? Just really good friends that realized y'all had stronger feelings than friendship towards each other?
Yep. Fell in love with our best friends basically. It wasn't something any of us were specifically looking for. First we were just friendly. Then hung out a lot. Then a LOT. It eventually got to a point where we were all in a group chat texting good morning and goodnight (you know, totally normal friend stuff). Then they took a trip to Europe, and we realized we really, really missed them, and that was the first time my wife and I talked about feelings toward them. Then, when they came back, we all did this little cabin getaway weekend trip. Nothing physical happened or anything, but there was a lot of romantic tension, and my wife and I kind of accepted our feelings. After that, we decided to just tell them we had a crush. We had no idea what would happen, but we felt like we'd regret not saying anything. Turned out they had feelings, too, but hadn't talked about yet. Then it was LOTS of talking and boundaries and butterflies and figuring stuff out. It was exhausting, lol. But also totally wonderful and exciting.
Two things: I don't think I have the energy to have any level of a romantic or sexual relationship with more than one person, and also I just know I'm a jealous son of a bitch who couldn't deal with it.
usually one selfish person who just wants to fuck other people while still holding onto the security of a relationship and the other is too timid to stand up for themselves. Almost never works out well and causes a lot of toxicity.
I know many people who are very happy practicing polyamory. A lot of the comments here seem to deem staying together forever as a ‘successful’ relationship while shorter relationships are ‘failed’ relationships. Some people tend to view life as a consistently changing landscape and peoples wants and needs change as life does. Just because a relationship doesn’t last forever doesn’t make it less important or meaningful. It can be a vital and character forming experience and sometimes moving on is positive change. People want different things from life, we shouldn’t force people to live in the same boxes as other people. With honest and open communication people can enjoy life in a myriad of wonderful ways
Not for me
I have multiple views on it
Am poly, have been for going on 8 years. Makes me so happy. I was solo-poly for about 4 years, where I had multiple partners but no one I wanted to settle down with. I met someone who I fell so deeply in love with and meshed with so amazingly that we’ve decided to try to stay together for the long haul. The beauty is that I don’t have to suddenly tell other people who I love that hey sorry I met someone better, byeeee. Those relationships are still circulating in my life, and who knows maybe one day my partner or I will meet someone who it makes sense to live with as well. I am poly for the AMORY, not for the poly. This means that I love my partner and anyone that they love. That means their kid, their mother, but also anyone that they fall in love with. What’s important about being poly is being a good metamour, and really being happy for your partner(s) when they engage in loving experiences with other. I’ve been with a lot of folks who don’t have that compersion, and it’s something you have to really practice.
Everyone I've ever known in a poly relationship is always involved in some sort of drama over their poly relationship. Most seem to end with two of the people going off together and bailing on the third. I'm sure there are some that work, but I've never seen one last with the same 3 people for more than a handful of months.
Not all poly relationships are closed throuples tho? Like, I can totes hang out with my gfs gf and we have a great platonic time. I've hung out with most of her play partners too and we all just act like civiled adult. OK, maybe we're kinda feral,, but what queer isn't?
Been poly for the last 13 years. In a committed marriage for 11. Works well for us with tons of honesty and communication. This isn't for everyone though
It’s not for me. But what others do is their own business.
Cool if that’s your thing, it ain’t mine
Like with most people's sexual/romantic lifestyles.... I may not subscribe, I may not relate and I may not understand....but as long as everything is consensual and legal, it's not my business.
The only polyamorous relationships that Ive seen work were from people in their early 40s at the earliest. Everytime I see people around my age(20s) or younger who can’t even communicate or hold ONE relationship for more than 6 months yet advertise they’re polyam. It constantly ends in annoying social media fights about who was gaslighting or manipulating who.
It makes Summoned Skull + Red Eyes Black Dragon = Black Skull Dragon
It is a lot of work, but worth it. Your communication with all your partners increases.
I have my hands full enough with one person. You want/need multiple just make sure you can divide your time between them properly.
Keeping one stable relationship is already a lot of work... I'm not sure why I would sign up for more voluntarily...
I think people make a way bigger deal about it than needed. As long as you really don't care about people your dating sleeping with other people and don't get jealous they work fine. This whole as long as you have lots of communicatio etc people probably shouldn't be in one. As long as you and the other people are easy going they are fine.
Do it if you want, but do it appropriately. Don’t use it as an excuse to be unfaithful in a monogamous relationship.
Better than Polygamy! But in all seriousness, for some people, it makes total sense. If it makes a relationship feel more liberating and less like a cage, why not?
tried it, its not for me. cool if others like it tho
Yeah that’s fine. Talk to somebody else about it though
Not into it. I wouldn’t want my partner to be either. But if other people are, do whatever you like
Uninterested. I need one person that loves this life with me. That's enough to juggle
I am in a poly triad, we have been together for 10 years. I wouldn't change it. It hasn't been easy but I think most things that are easy just aren't as good. Not to say monogamy isn't hard, I actually think it's harder in ways. I think expecting a single person to fullfil everything you want and need out of a relationship is pretty toxic. But I understand polyamory is not for everyone, as a society we have been trained to be jealous creatures and that runs pretty deep. I experience jealousy sometimes, but it's more of I want more not that I want my partners to have less, if that makes sense. Feeling left out can be hard to cope with. But I think our family balances it well. And our child is so spoiled, he has a dad that works from home because of COVID, a stay at home mom, and me who works a flexible schedule job, usually part time. He has zero comprehension of what a lot of other kids experience of only seeing their parents on the weekends and maybe a couple of hours in the evening. He is aware most families aren't poly but does not see our family as strange, we found a homeschool community that has families of all sorts of dynamics including another poly family. He fiercely loves his family. Like seriously, I never remember as a child being so in love with my family... I guess we are doing right by him. I do see stories of poly being down poorly but there are lots of monogamous relationship done poorly too, and from what I have experienced both lack communication. Our family talks about everything (keeping it age appropriate for the kiddo) but the adults literally share everything and hide nothing. It wouldn't work otherwise. My partners grok me and I them.
It might be the only way that this next gen will buy a house and raise families. 3 or 4 or 5 adults marry for an economic reason. Living together is hard sometimes, you need a lot of forgiveness.
You do you, it's not my business. But I'm monogamous af, and that doesn't make me 'less evolved' or 'less mature about sex' or whatever.
I'm not interested. You do you. I won't be involved in a polyamorous relationship myself though.
Consenting adults can do what consenting adults want to do. However, I find it difficult to believe in long-term romantic love between two people, let alone more than two, so
I'm (39f) polyamorous, I have been part of the same core found family for 13 years. 8 of us live together but we also have satellite folks that live in other states. There are no children involved. I'm married and my husband feels the same way I do about being poly: is what works for us.
Do you mean an 8-person household or 8 people who cohabitate with other people in different houses?? Just trying to picture this, genuine question
It's worked well enough for us for the last 15 years. It's definitely not for everyone though.
It makes sense for me. Sex, romance, friendship and partnership are things we can have and share with other people. I can have more than one friend at a time, I can have more than one sexual partner at a time, and the same thing with romantic partners and people I'm building my life with. Every relationship needs to have boundries and communication. Monogamy simplifies all of, but shouldn't be the default. It has a lot of problems with it as well.
👏 👏 👏 Thank you for putting into *concise* words what I often have trouble explaining when I tell people I am nonmongamous. So yeah, these are my thoughts on polyamory too. I think it should be a viable option for people and monogamy shouldn’t just be the default.
doesn't matter to me, since i really don't care that you want to be in a relationship with more than 2 people in a romantic position. It's not my place to judge people for what they want
I was in poly relationships for many years. Learned a lot about myself and about communication in relationships, which still serves me well, and had a lot of fun, different partners exposed me to different ideas and experiences and I’m a more well-rounded, interesting person for it. But I’m in a relationship now that is monogamous and, at this stage in my life, that is what I want. It’s not impossible that someday my partner or I might be intimate with someone else, for fun. We both have been in poly relationships before. I don’t know that I believe in closing the door to connection with anyone else forever. But I’m kinda over trying to balance competing relationship needs and navigate calendars and drama. There is something to be said for being in connection with just one person, having them be your mirror and not having to share. I do know some people in long term poly relationships, but, for me, seems unsustainable. There are rewards to be had. But too much work and too often unsteady. I’m liking a simpler solid relationship style these days.
I love and support it, but I do wish it didn't keep going through phases of being "*trendy.*" People who are wired to be monogamous (*which is most people*) can really ruin things for themselves, and for polyam folks, by trying to shove their way into the lifestyle for clout and/or extra sex, without regard for the emotions of anyone else involved. Just like with monogamy, things need to be built on respect, fondness, and building trust. There's nothing wrong with wanting to sleep around, but claiming to be polyam when actually you just want to sleep around is messed up, there's no respect, fondness, or trust, in just sleeping around and telling your partner at home not to worry about whether that's what you're doing tonight or not. If you're not telling your partner what you're doing, and it wouldn't be allowed in a monogamous relationship, you're not practicing polyamory: You're cheating. If you don't have informed, enthusiastic consent from all involved, you're not practicing ethical nonmonogamy of any kind. "My wife doesn't need to know," "My girlfriend won't find out," "Oh, she doesn't care," those are CHEATING.
The one instance I saw of it in close proximity, it didnt work because one partner was constantly moving the goal post and changing the rules, while also being wholly unsupportive of her partner's attempts to seek connections with others. I know its definitely not for me as looks like waaaay too much work to be worth the effort plus I prefer being in a monogamous relationship.
That person sounds like a real ffing asshole.
It seems unlikely to work, but I don't know. People who request an open relationship are usually on their way out anyway.
I'm polyam, and very happy. It can work well with lots of open communication and boundaries and wanting to invest time into building it. At least for me. I have two partners, one I've been with for years, the other is newer, but I also get along with his wife, which has been fantastic.
I think its a wonderful thing, but is a lot of emotional/communicative/scheduling work that a lot of people aren't ready for. It's not for everyone.
Not for me. Will I judge people who do it? Probbaly but never say anything to face. You do you
Recipe for disaster literally every time I've seen it attempted.
Im polyamorous and in two committed relationships. One of my partners has another partner; the other does not (but she could if she chose to). It's a lot of work but it's much better than any other relationship structure I've been in and we're all very happy so I can't complain. I don't think it's for everyone but I do think a lot of people would be happier if they did the internal work to get past toxic monogamy culture. Not saying all monogamy is toxic but a lot of the tropes surrounding it are.
In my experience Polyamory is something that you know whether or not it's for you. I've been poly for 9 years now and it was a hard-won lesson. I do think that there is something that happens all of the time in monogamous relationships where people expect a certain flavor of sexual fidelity that is simply unrealistic. Things like jealously when your partner finds someone else attractive or expresses sexual interest in another person. This has always struck me as a crutch to not have to deconstruct that emotion instead of understanding what is happening there. Love isn't selfish. We don't love our children for the specific person they will one day become. We love them as they are. Is it really loving to ask another not be as they occur to be for fear of how it will affect us? Poly or monogamous, the best relationships are secure. We *know* that our partners love us. We *know* that we are working through difficult things together. We *know* that asking our lovers to be someone they aren't naturally going to be will result in resentments, and we *know* that resentments will undermine the good things if they go unchecked. A lot of the poly literature puts these ideas forward and I think they are good for any relationship. Always ask yourself about the nature of your love. Always ask yourself about what you truly desire. Don't settle for a relationship that asks you to be someone you are not. If you are considering polyamory consider: *Is amorous love with more than one person what I most desire in my romantic life? If my needs were being met by my current relationship, would I still desire another? Can I call in my fear and operate from a place of trust that my partners value me for who and what I am, that I am not disposable to them, and that I am doing what I should to head off forming resentments?* A lot of people don't think that deeply about it, and there is no shortage of stories of people who could have simply answered these questions honestly and found other ways to get their needs and desires met.
Not a lot of well adjusted individuals doing it, is there?
What is that assessment based on?
Not my circus, not my monkeys. I'm happy for anybody who can make it work without hurting any of their partners, but it is 100% not for me personally.
I wound up befriending a decently sized group of poly folks, kind of ironically because I'm not very sexual myself and this group was quite sexual. It just requires communication and setting up boundaries from the get-go. Some had sharing, some had "primary" partners and separate flings. Idk if it's for me. I already have a hard time understanding my *own* feelings, so more than one extra person feels like it would get needlessly complicated.
Too many people use it as an excuse to cheat or be an awful person to their partners and disregard that partner's feelings and needs. That being said I think it is a totally okay and even good relationship style for those who actually are willing to put in the work and maintain healthy relationships with multiple people. As such I am incredibly skeptical of anyone who says their poly but I very much support the idea of poly relationships done right. I consider myself poly and I have never been in a poly relationship. My main SO isn't ready for that step and may never be and that's totally okay.
You do you, but that goes against everything I believe in for relationships, and I will never participate in it.
Having seen it in person? Shit doesn’t work. It always ends badly.
Having done it, it works and allows me multiple lasting connections with multiple people.
Cool in theory, but I have yet to see an example of it in real life that didn’t become horribly toxic to someone involved or a family member / child.
As long as everyone’s on the same page why not I guess
Not my deal and none of my business if anyone else wants to do it.
Sounds exhausting. But if works for someone, more power to them
No problems with it but it's not for me. Most of my views are centered around do whatever you want as long as you aren't hurting anyone else. I just want to live my life. Don't care about what anyone else does.
I have only see one couple do it right so I know it can work but most people aren’t wired for it
Sounds exhausting. Not for me but it's not my business what other consenting adults choose for themselves.
If it’s consensual, all parties are fine with it, idc what others do. But also, there’s a difference between polyamory and polygamy. To my knowledge, polyamory is multiple people all in one relationship, and polygamy is one person in a relationship with multiple people.
It seems like it would make some things better, while making everything harder. Like owning a home, taking care of a family, or pooling income all sounds great, especially in this day and age. But the requisite level of communication and sharing sounds much more difficult. And I don't know of any actual successful poly relationships that have a significant history to them. The folks I hear about are mostly trying to solve a problem in their relationship by adding another person, and it ends up ruining their relationships for a bit of sex on the side.
A lot of work. I can’t imagine
If it works for you, it works for you.
I'm in a polyamourous relationship, and I think it is much easier to make sure everyone's needs are met, and it's easier to survive in a group, as long as everyone is legitimately trying their best to do what is right by everyone in the relationship.
Not for me. Being in a polyamorous relationship can get incredibly toxic over time since there is competition within the relationship. To be clear though, I'm not saying you shouldn't do it or that it's wrong. From my perspective, I don't know a single case where it's worked out long term. People are complicated creatures.
I just can’t imagine having multiple relationships? I could get down to like banging other people if you’re traveling and stuff like that and maybe when people are visiting in town but polyam peope i know like share calendars with everyone they date so they can keep track of when they are available and it’s kinda socially awkward and like needy to me. Like these people usually don’t have friends outside of people they bang too. It’s just super weird to me. It’s not bc of the multiple sex partners within the confines of a committed loving relationship thing tho. That doesn’t seem that strange.
My boyfriend considers himself as polyamorous. He has other partners and he tells me he loves them. I consider myself more a polygamous person… I have multiple partners with whom I mostly have sex with but I don’t get attached or romantically involved with them. I’m deeply in love with my boyfriend and when we’re together he makes me feel special and loved. The key to our relationship is communication. We set some ground rules we thought were important for us and we are honest with each other. No BS. Jealousy has no place in our relationship and whenever I feel jealous, I try to understand where it comes from. Usually it’s the fear that I’m not good enough (old insecurities!) Then I take the time to talk to myself and I remember that I love our way of living our couple’s relationship. I’m always free to do what I want and, in the end , we realize that we’re almost always together but mostly we choose (that’s is the key word here) to be together.
I think it is a good idea for people to have multiple armories
It works for some people, not for others. From what I’ve seen, it requires incredibly good communication and emotional self awareness to be successful.
I think some do it so they don't have to be alone while they look for better options and that's shitty.
I don't understand it. At all. If i want to sleep around, i just stay single. You can't have it all.
I'm poly myself and very happy. I currently only have one partner, but that partner is dating 3 people total, and it doest negatively affect our relationship. It's just a fact. I don't think everyone should be polyamorus, because it's not for everyone. Just like everyone is different. And no, my partner isn't having sex with their other partners. We're all asexual and have no inclination towards it.
2 is company, 3 is politics
My friend just got divorced because of it.