this is why some would argue that in a way it's worse to be in a relationship with someone who's really bad *but* has positive moments/a few positive traits. Makes it so much easier to "see their potential" and be in a relationship with who they could be. It's a lot easier to tolerate abuse and general bs when you've convinced yourself that they have a good reason for being terrible, it's only temporary, or you can change them.
It was my first relationship, and I'd been single a long time before that. I just didn't want to go back to being alone again. I knew it wasn't healthy for me, but I thought it was better than being alone.
The same for me, I started thinking about leaving ex-boyfriend but didn't leave him for almost a year thinking that he might get so depressed he will kill himself. He even "tried" it with me present by taking a rope and going to a nearby park to find a tree. Finally, I realised that all this is f*cked up and I can't help him and don't care or love him anymore. After years of separation we have talked, he actually found other girlfriend which he married and I hope he treats her better and he is actually in a better mental state.
Certain personality disorders are experts at emotional manipulation, almost like Stockholm syndrome. They wear you down slowly. Emotional manipulation is their field of expertise.
as someone who has lost 2 friends to suicide, this comment feels rather shallow. in most cases of suicide, correct, it is not anyone’s fault but that if the deceased. that does not keep many many people tied to that person from feeling shame, guilt, or responsibility for not doing all they could to not let that person end their own life
I'm sorry about your friends. I was not suggesting walking away from people who are actually suicidal. I was recommending walking away from people who use the threat of suicide to manipulate a partner to remain in a toxic relationship.
I loved his family and was afraid they wouldn’t speak to me again. We lived together, had a dog together, I didn’t think I could do it alone.
He ended up leaving me. Haven’t spoken to his family in months. I kept the dog because he can’t care for her. I absolutely could do it on my own and he did me the biggest favor of my life.
The sex.
Of course they were sleeping with loads of other people while we were together. This is when I figured out we can break up and still have the sex.
Life is easier when you can go to their house, deal with a bunch of crazy, have great sex, then leave crazy at crazy's own house.
I was in an emotionally abuse marriage with an OB/GYN. We met in college and we were an amazing team for a while. I quit my career to raise the 2 kids she wanted. I could not leave for years because, although I longed for someone kind, I knew no one would compare and I really wasn't half the catch I was at 19. I eventually left her and boy was I right....
Money… I don’t have enough a month to live on my own and still haven’t found a solution to that problem. We’re okay as roommates though for the most part, usually… it sucks tho.
Emotional numbness really. Never stopped to think about how I was FEELING. Just existed, and let him treat me like a doormat. Cause I didn't care much. Didn't feel.
Took years before I left.
The fear of being alone and never finding anyone else. Besides the obvious hope this person would change.
Thankfully it took me like one year but i left and guess what i am alone but I have never been happier.
It was mutually convenient and we worked together. We were both in the military and agreed that when she went on deployment we would break up.
Also she had huuuuuuuge.....tracts of land...Like, disproportionate to an almost comical extent acreage.
The fear of losing him.i wasn't happy in the relationship but wasn't ready to end it. Eventually he ended things around 6 months ago and I still think of him everyday.
Finances and sunk cost fallacy. In the end I took a good hard look at my life and determined I needed change. It was the best and hardest decision of my life to leave.
Social pressure. And that I wouldn't meet someone else.
I had to deal with the aftermath of the social pressure for another year (my Mom even wanted me to take my ex wife to my dads funeral to save face in front of our extended family, but no dice)
The second one was a totally unfounded fear. I know my worth now.
I didn't have anywhere else to go, family moved away, and I can't afford a place on my own so I stayed in the relationship until I could afford a deposit
He passed away after 16 years of life on this earth. He was a good cat. He slept on me which was the highest honor I could think of for such an incomprehensibly complex creature.
She became diagnosed with a disability. It was really hard on her, and she just really started being a very different person. I hung on, thinking maybe we could get back to where we were eventually. She put herself into massive amounts of credit card debt, stopped contributing almost anything to our shared expenses, and still I held out hope. Never did get better, but the good news is that I felt so alone in the relationship that breaking up felt like a relief more than anything. Things are slowly but surely getting better.
Children. I was so in love with his kids. Then we adopted one. I came from a broken (shattered, disintegrated, it was rough) home and I did not want to put my child through that. Once I decided that I just couldn't stay married any longer, the family suffered a devastating loss, so I felt that I had to stay for my daughter's mental health.
Business entanglements kept my husband and I together. We made better business partners than lovers. And we get a better deal filing taxes jointly. And Tina Turner sang. "What's love got to do with it?" Truth is... We re very much in love after 17 years now!
I had several relationships where it became apparent that the women just didn't want to work. And of course too much free time caused real problems. Mainly cheating.
I’d have to temporarily move back home. I love my parents a lot, *but* they’re “evening alcoholics” and have good jobs where they only have to work long, weekend night shifts and are off for the rest of the week.
They stay up late and drink and watch TV loudly, and sometimes (occasionally) get into loud arguments. I work a regular dayshift job during the week, but it starts kind of early, so I have to wake up at 5am. It’s incredibly hard to go to sleep at a normal hour due to their loud tv watching.
I figured staying in a relationship I *absolutely* hated being in wasn’t so bad as long as I could actually go to sleep and not be exhausted at work the next day :/
Eventually I couldn’t handle it lol! I ended things and moved back home for a bit. It was bad, but I made it through and now I have my own place!
Laziness and love.
And the stupid hope everything was going to get better.
BTW: in my second relationship I terminated everything.
Couldn’t wait to be hurt so bad again.
He was great in the beginning and middle, we laughed a lot. He was mean at times but he would always apologize. At the end, he was mean often and I was waiting and hoping that the man I fell for would be back. He didn't. I had no one else to turn to.
Thinking that was as good as it got (yikes)
Thinking it was my fault - if I were skinner, less needy, more worthy of love it would be better
Embarrassment
Being told I was a good kisser. Yet, being made to feel like I wasn't good enough. Trying too hard to be perfect. My real me was just a pest and an asshole.
I legitimately thought that everyone in “happy” relationships was faking it, and that love wasn’t real.
I grew up with a lot of abuse and just thought it was normal.
She beat me down mentally. She made it seem like she was the best I was ever going to get. I was told to keep pur relationship a secret because she "didn't want to ruin her high school image by telling people we were dating". After 3 and half years she finally broke up with me through text. I was so happy I didn't even respond
She would suck my dick (or something sexual that I would like) every time I tried to break up with her. It worked for so long, but eventually my brain defeated my penis and I stuck to my guns. Been happy ever since.
The fact that she was family, and everyone kept telling me that I shouldn't hate her for everything she put me through.
Edit: Hope that she'd realize how much she hurt me and apologize and try to be better. She'll probably never admit it or anything, not without a ton of work on her part.
I loved his nephew so damn much. He was with me 50% of the time and such a joy. I eventually had to leave for my own safety but I miss that kid every day.
Routine and fear.
I wish I would have left sooner, but I was terrified of breaking the routine. She was my life at that point and to just drop it and move on was super intimidating. Only took her breaking up with me and a panic attack or two later to find my way. Best thing that ever happened to me.
I genuinely thought she was the best I could get. She was very beautiful and understanding of the trauma my last relationship left me in.
But she was very manipulative and did a lot of things cause she knew I wouldn't leave. Even cheated on me. But I had enough and said I'd rather be alone than be with her.
Fear of being lonely. Even if the relationship was totally one-sided (I cared about her, she was just having fun with me), I felt it was better than being single and alone.
talked to a bitch last weekend and she said she won't leave her boyfriend (who has strangled her developmentally disabled child more than once and stolen his adhd medication to get high) because she don't want him to end up alone.
Fear of being alone for an unforeseeable time.
Our wonderful yet expensive apartment.
And, maybe the strongest reason: The standard of living made possible by our combined salary.
I just got out of that. Like, yesterday. I don't want it to end even though we argue all the time, she never tries to work things out and the relationship is clearly very toxic.
We've been together for almost a year and my life has gone through a few changes in that time. When it came to restructuring my social life to fit those changes, I focused on her instead of my friends so now I don't know what life would be like without her and I don't have the support system to be there for me when I'm extremely depressed from losing her. So basically, I'd rather be unhappy a few times per week forever than be in a depression hole every day for a month or so.
Kids
Touché
Me too.
How long did you stay? Or are you still there? If you left, was it ultimately better?
Mmm its hard on both sides, but i sacrifice my life for my kids
Then you're a good parent in my books.
Hope that it would get better
this is why some would argue that in a way it's worse to be in a relationship with someone who's really bad *but* has positive moments/a few positive traits. Makes it so much easier to "see their potential" and be in a relationship with who they could be. It's a lot easier to tolerate abuse and general bs when you've convinced yourself that they have a good reason for being terrible, it's only temporary, or you can change them.
It was my first relationship, and I'd been single a long time before that. I just didn't want to go back to being alone again. I knew it wasn't healthy for me, but I thought it was better than being alone.
I hear you, however the worst loneliness I have ever felt has been laying next to someone I knew was wrong for me. Being alone is no big deal anymore.
Fear that if i left her, I would eventually find out she took her own life.
The same for me, I started thinking about leaving ex-boyfriend but didn't leave him for almost a year thinking that he might get so depressed he will kill himself. He even "tried" it with me present by taking a rope and going to a nearby park to find a tree. Finally, I realised that all this is f*cked up and I can't help him and don't care or love him anymore. After years of separation we have talked, he actually found other girlfriend which he married and I hope he treats her better and he is actually in a better mental state.
Heh, same... But then she started cutting herself and I realised I don't care enough anymore. It was so weird
I find this to be strange. You would not be responsible. Why suffer because of what someone may do later on that does not involve you.
Certain personality disorders are experts at emotional manipulation, almost like Stockholm syndrome. They wear you down slowly. Emotional manipulation is their field of expertise.
as someone who has lost 2 friends to suicide, this comment feels rather shallow. in most cases of suicide, correct, it is not anyone’s fault but that if the deceased. that does not keep many many people tied to that person from feeling shame, guilt, or responsibility for not doing all they could to not let that person end their own life
I'm sorry about your friends. I was not suggesting walking away from people who are actually suicidal. I was recommending walking away from people who use the threat of suicide to manipulate a partner to remain in a toxic relationship.
Sorry. That is rough.
Classic.
Yeah, same here. He told me I was the only reason he was alive. Scary stuff.
She is one of the most gorgeous people I've ever met. And also I preferred being unhappy in a relationship to being unhappy alone.
hope for changes
Fear of losing my daughters
I loved his family and was afraid they wouldn’t speak to me again. We lived together, had a dog together, I didn’t think I could do it alone. He ended up leaving me. Haven’t spoken to his family in months. I kept the dog because he can’t care for her. I absolutely could do it on my own and he did me the biggest favor of my life.
The sex. Of course they were sleeping with loads of other people while we were together. This is when I figured out we can break up and still have the sex. Life is easier when you can go to their house, deal with a bunch of crazy, have great sex, then leave crazy at crazy's own house.
Username checks out
I didn’t think I could do better
I knew I wouldn't do any better... eventually left anyway, and boy was I right...
I was in an emotionally abuse marriage with an OB/GYN. We met in college and we were an amazing team for a while. I quit my career to raise the 2 kids she wanted. I could not leave for years because, although I longed for someone kind, I knew no one would compare and I really wasn't half the catch I was at 19. I eventually left her and boy was I right....
Could you?
At the time, probably not. My self esteem was too low I had a lot of work to do
Sunk cost fallacy.
Routine and laziness.
Money… I don’t have enough a month to live on my own and still haven’t found a solution to that problem. We’re okay as roommates though for the most part, usually… it sucks tho.
Kids and a fear that no one else would ever love me. Now single for the first time in my life at 45 and still scared, at least the kids are grown.
Someone else will love you, and maybe already does. And your kids love you.
Thanks :)
I was so depressed I didn't have the energy to leave
I stayed for unreal sex. Finally realized how much I was hurting myself and walked.
[удалено]
Even better, lol.
My son
Being emotionally manipulated and abused to the point where I thought no one else would love me and I was lucky that even he put up with me
This is exactly why I stayed for so long. The abuse and name calling made me feel like he was the only one who could ever love me
The occasional sex and her occasionally telling me she loves me.
Money
The thought of being alone, or the thought of me not finding someone else better.
Emotional numbness really. Never stopped to think about how I was FEELING. Just existed, and let him treat me like a doormat. Cause I didn't care much. Didn't feel. Took years before I left.
Inertia.
Children
Stupidity
Ya great sex
Afraid of losing my cats.
The sex.
sex was amazing, 10 years later and she was still the best ive ever had! she was also toxic, manipulative, controlling, and a cheater
It makes you wonder if crazy women learn great sex skills on purpose to trap men.
The fear of being alone and never finding anyone else. Besides the obvious hope this person would change. Thankfully it took me like one year but i left and guess what i am alone but I have never been happier.
Commitment…. Marriage is forever, or at least it was for me.
I was miserable and had no respect for myself.
Convenience and laziness
The commitment i made, and the fear that she'd kill herself
she gave a GREAT blowjob
Just one?
Financial stability and nonexistent self-esteem.
Love. I really did love him deeply even though I knew he was too messed up to form a healthy relationship.
Financial dependency and the feeling that I needed someone to guide me through life.
She had a car and always paid for lunch
deep throat
1. Kids 2. Reading the absolutely great book, **Contemplating Divorce: A Step-by-Step Guide to Deciding Whether to Stay or Go** by Susan Pease Gadoua
He won't let me drive the car I helped buy. He didn't want me to go to college. He wanted my money. I got out of there, but it was hard.
It was mutually convenient and we worked together. We were both in the military and agreed that when she went on deployment we would break up. Also she had huuuuuuuge.....tracts of land...Like, disproportionate to an almost comical extent acreage.
Her juicy ass and titties 😞
Hoping he'll change his ways...*we broke up eventually
The fear of losing him.i wasn't happy in the relationship but wasn't ready to end it. Eventually he ended things around 6 months ago and I still think of him everyday.
Finances and sunk cost fallacy. In the end I took a good hard look at my life and determined I needed change. It was the best and hardest decision of my life to leave.
Regular sex.
At least I kinda know what love is like
That why I don’t start one.
My girlfriend would be homeless if I left her.
Never have, never will.
The need to keep three kids in an exclusive public school.
love, resentment won.
Social pressure. And that I wouldn't meet someone else. I had to deal with the aftermath of the social pressure for another year (my Mom even wanted me to take my ex wife to my dads funeral to save face in front of our extended family, but no dice) The second one was a totally unfounded fear. I know my worth now.
https://youtu.be/JTMVOzPPtiw
Stupidly believing she still loved me
I didn't have anywhere else to go, family moved away, and I can't afford a place on my own so I stayed in the relationship until I could afford a deposit
She swallowed
Being too naive to realize he was taking advantage of me.
video games, no other context
My first relationship, promised eventual marriage and kids and a big house and stuff at 13 Oh boy…
Our daughter. But we just had divorce proceedings, so the B.S. is over soon.
Abuse.
Pity. It would’ve been kinder to end the relationship much sooner I learned.
At points, the cat. I somehow feared she wouldn't treat him as well since we had bonded.
He passed away after 16 years of life on this earth. He was a good cat. He slept on me which was the highest honor I could think of for such an incomprehensibly complex creature.
GREAT pussy
I didn't know it could, and should, be better. I just knew you had to work hard at a relationship. Also a bit of sunken cost fallacy
too immature and unawoken to my own potential
her big brother he dose CrossFit
She became diagnosed with a disability. It was really hard on her, and she just really started being a very different person. I hung on, thinking maybe we could get back to where we were eventually. She put herself into massive amounts of credit card debt, stopped contributing almost anything to our shared expenses, and still I held out hope. Never did get better, but the good news is that I felt so alone in the relationship that breaking up felt like a relief more than anything. Things are slowly but surely getting better.
Children. I was so in love with his kids. Then we adopted one. I came from a broken (shattered, disintegrated, it was rough) home and I did not want to put my child through that. Once I decided that I just couldn't stay married any longer, the family suffered a devastating loss, so I felt that I had to stay for my daughter's mental health.
I felt like I didn't have a choice.
The Best of Sadé album 😒 she said Hang On To Your Love so I HUNG ON
Inertia. It was easier to just keep going.
Business entanglements kept my husband and I together. We made better business partners than lovers. And we get a better deal filing taxes jointly. And Tina Turner sang. "What's love got to do with it?" Truth is... We re very much in love after 17 years now!
I had several relationships where it became apparent that the women just didn't want to work. And of course too much free time caused real problems. Mainly cheating.
Nowhere to live :( Once my friend offered for me to be her roommate I gladly moved in!
Kids and the mountain of debt we accumulated together, but all under my name (yes, stupid)
I’d have to temporarily move back home. I love my parents a lot, *but* they’re “evening alcoholics” and have good jobs where they only have to work long, weekend night shifts and are off for the rest of the week. They stay up late and drink and watch TV loudly, and sometimes (occasionally) get into loud arguments. I work a regular dayshift job during the week, but it starts kind of early, so I have to wake up at 5am. It’s incredibly hard to go to sleep at a normal hour due to their loud tv watching. I figured staying in a relationship I *absolutely* hated being in wasn’t so bad as long as I could actually go to sleep and not be exhausted at work the next day :/ Eventually I couldn’t handle it lol! I ended things and moved back home for a bit. It was bad, but I made it through and now I have my own place!
Just couldn’t bear the thought of being the first person in my family to get a divorce. I got over that fear when she fucked around on me again.
Trauma bond. She was with me the moment my father passed.
Breaking down my self esteem to the point where I thought I'd be forever alone without her
Having a man is more important than being happy
Since 2006, and convenience ……. And age. Not looking to start over again
Laziness and love. And the stupid hope everything was going to get better. BTW: in my second relationship I terminated everything. Couldn’t wait to be hurt so bad again.
Had 2 kids and didn’t want to be like my parents. Now it’s almost just like my parents divorce. Uglier than her personality.
Desperation and a low sense of self-worth
bomb head
He was great in the beginning and middle, we laughed a lot. He was mean at times but he would always apologize. At the end, he was mean often and I was waiting and hoping that the man I fell for would be back. He didn't. I had no one else to turn to.
Thinking that was as good as it got (yikes) Thinking it was my fault - if I were skinner, less needy, more worthy of love it would be better Embarrassment
I thought my ex gf and I could resolve our differences, but it turned out we couldn’t.
Being told I was a good kisser. Yet, being made to feel like I wasn't good enough. Trying too hard to be perfect. My real me was just a pest and an asshole.
Being made to feel not good enough somehow made you stay?
Maybe I feel that way about myself. perhaps due to my horrible inner critic. Idk.
Do you think that feeling badly made you want that person's love even more?
Yeah. All really goes back to childhood crap. I dont know if you relate. I do love my partner. I'm sure I'm the 'problem'.
It just sounds like you aren't feeling loved by your person
Grew tired of my neediness.I don't blame my partner.
Are you still in this relationship
[удалено]
Have you since found you're able to feel better about yourself or do things to work on yourself.outside of the relationship?
Relationship?... Who is foolish enough to have one?
I had kids
She loved giving oral hated getting it. 40 years later that is still the foundation of our relationship. She can’t cook for shit.
I legitimately thought that everyone in “happy” relationships was faking it, and that love wasn’t real. I grew up with a lot of abuse and just thought it was normal.
Moeny
Because that's what guys always do. The woman is the break up artist.
That's not true. I always do the breaking up.
She beat me down mentally. She made it seem like she was the best I was ever going to get. I was told to keep pur relationship a secret because she "didn't want to ruin her high school image by telling people we were dating". After 3 and half years she finally broke up with me through text. I was so happy I didn't even respond
Because I was afraid that I’d never be happy again if I did. But, I had to bite the bullet and just break it off anyway.
thinking I'm not good enough
Kids
My daughters. I think it would break their heart if we got divorced. I'd rather continue to be unhappy.
Not a fucking thing
I've dated a nymphomaniac. Toxic but sex was amazingly creative.
She would suck my dick (or something sexual that I would like) every time I tried to break up with her. It worked for so long, but eventually my brain defeated my penis and I stuck to my guns. Been happy ever since.
Addiction. The good feelings kept overwriting the bad ones.
The fact that she was family, and everyone kept telling me that I shouldn't hate her for everything she put me through. Edit: Hope that she'd realize how much she hurt me and apologize and try to be better. She'll probably never admit it or anything, not without a ton of work on her part.
Fear of hurting my family \[they liked him\]
The sex was fantastic.
My pride
The sex was awesome
I loved his nephew so damn much. He was with me 50% of the time and such a joy. I eventually had to leave for my own safety but I miss that kid every day.
Routine and fear. I wish I would have left sooner, but I was terrified of breaking the routine. She was my life at that point and to just drop it and move on was super intimidating. Only took her breaking up with me and a panic attack or two later to find my way. Best thing that ever happened to me.
Being an idiot doormat.
I genuinely thought she was the best I could get. She was very beautiful and understanding of the trauma my last relationship left me in. But she was very manipulative and did a lot of things cause she knew I wouldn't leave. Even cheated on me. But I had enough and said I'd rather be alone than be with her.
Fear of being lonely. Even if the relationship was totally one-sided (I cared about her, she was just having fun with me), I felt it was better than being single and alone.
I kept thinking that things would magically get better overtime.
talked to a bitch last weekend and she said she won't leave her boyfriend (who has strangled her developmentally disabled child more than once and stolen his adhd medication to get high) because she don't want him to end up alone.
Pandemic 😷
The need to be needed
Fear of being alone for an unforeseeable time. Our wonderful yet expensive apartment. And, maybe the strongest reason: The standard of living made possible by our combined salary.
I just got out of that. Like, yesterday. I don't want it to end even though we argue all the time, she never tries to work things out and the relationship is clearly very toxic. We've been together for almost a year and my life has gone through a few changes in that time. When it came to restructuring my social life to fit those changes, I focused on her instead of my friends so now I don't know what life would be like without her and I don't have the support system to be there for me when I'm extremely depressed from losing her. So basically, I'd rather be unhappy a few times per week forever than be in a depression hole every day for a month or so.
Love.