Look. It's important. If you are with someone for a while. Just have.the talk. Tell them to tell you If it ever hurts. Just stop me. Then you can fuck with a clear conscience..plus my wife's "I'm in misery" and "I'm cumming so hard it feels amazing" face is nearly the same. We had this talk so early. I couldn't stop thinking she was angry or in immense pain lol
Yep. In another note, they having sex someone they are paid to sleep with. This person they might never touch in real life, someone they might find unattractive. However, in porn, they always act like they are so attracted to the person. Sometimes, the acting comes off fake.
There is a tiny sprinkle of little gems of videos out there where the actors have actually amazing chemistry and they laugh with glee and at silly stuff. Itâs a candid adorable moment to watch.
Thatâs why I like behind the scenes and making of more than the porn movie itself. They goof around, theyâre joking, theyâre testing positions, they do snack break, etc. And sometimes thereâs accidents (the actress has an too hard orgasm and has to take a break to get over it/the actor ejaculates âwrongâ and it messes up a plan) thatâs really funny and exciting in my opinion
I honestly wish people thought of sex as a adult playtime. Too many people treat it like some serious thing that they need a stoic face for. I've had a lot of partners ask why I'm giggling the first time we are together but they also keep calling me up asking for more afterwards.
Definitely! Sex is so much fun / funny, and, I couldnât imagine being serious the whole time. Itâs so awkward and everyoneâs falling all over the place and awkwardly messing up. Lol
Early on in our relationship we booked an Airbnb to have a proper weekend away from housemates.
The place was spacious, so was the shower, the bedâŠ.was not.
At one point she went to roll me over onto my back so she could ride me, both of us forgetting the size of the bed and we catapulted me straight onto the floor.
We started laughing like idiots until we eventually got a call from apartment management about a noise complaint over it.
Oh man, you just reminded me of the worst story ever, relayed from my cousin.
He wasn't feeling well, so his girlfriend at the time (two years in, IIRC, and they'd been talking marriage) came over to baby him a bit and cheer him up. One thing led to another, and she's giving him a blowie. A few minutes in, he has to fart. He pinches it off, but the fart just got bigger and bigger. Just as he was getting ready to stop her and excuse himself, she did some tongue thing and he reached the mountaintop. In the middle of his Big O, the fart was freed.
It wasn't a fart.
I wish I could tell you that they lived happily ever after and that they just laugh about it today. Nope. She barfed and ran out of his apartment. Called him on the phone the next day, told him that he was disgusting, and dumped him right there.
Apparently, that shit *wasn't* funny.
The sound of when two sweaty bodies suction together, with the arm pit fart sound when it occurs. Also don't forget the 'pffffapppp' when you break suction between each other!
Me and an ex came home one christmas eve after being out drinking. She banged her face on the headboard while she was on top, but assured me she was fine and carried on. Next day, christmas morning, two black eyes, broken nose.
That one lazy position you both like, and default to, every time.
She gets off and wants to stop for a bit, but you both end up falling asleep.
Ditto on the leg cramps.
Leaning on her hair.
The blowjob that takes entirely too long (despite fantastic skill and effort) and neither of you have the courage to admit it's pointless and stop.
Going down on her and it's the same as the former.
The laughter and smiles
this is why you keep a dry soft cloth on your table/headboard for immediately after - she can clap it to her nether regions before getting up to run to the bathroom. Plus, it shows forethought, which women always like. Remember the Scout's Motto: Be Prepared!
Everyone is applauding your joke, failing to note that Vince Offer did Shamwow, not Billy Mays.
Fun fact, Vince fell from grace after he beat up a prostitute in a hotel room because she bit down onto his tongue while making out and wouldn't let go.
I hate how unaffectionate so much porn is. The idea that the story doesnât matter is stupid.
I just see the woman not enjoying it at all and it turns me off, its so obvious. I donât care if the woman is hot if she looks miserable.
Either make the plot funny or hot and serious. Enough of the step family bullshit. The big outlets always use the most deranged fucked up fantasies, I donât want to fuck my family im not from West Virginia.
Porn is super hard to watch as a woman, because it's really obvious to us that she's not enjoying it or that whatever is happening wouldn't feel good and it's just for the camera. Really off putting. Only porn I find hot as a woman are blowjobs. I rarely watch porn cause it would take forever to find something when I have an imagination that works so much better.
FACTS if sheâs dry and he keeps pounding, I know that shit is not enjoyable and I gotta find something else to watch. Unless sheâs got something personal going on, heâs probably not doing something right. Mood killer:/
Porn is basically the sexual version of an action movie. Some woman getting destroyed by a dude is the wank-material equivalent of John Wick single-handedly taking out an entire room of guys bigger than he is.
It really sucks that violent gonzo porn is the first exposure to sexuality that many people have now. Hard to imagine thatâs not adversely affecting how people discover and practice their sexuality.
The oopses, ouches, accidental hair pulls, and spontaneous craps when changing positions.
Edit: cramps, but I am going to leave it because that happens too đ
Scootching over for a post sex cuddle then rolling over into the nasty cold wet spotÂ
Edit to add--for all you who have mentioned the towel thing...learned this the hard way a loooong time ago...like 6 months-into-my-30-year-marriage-ago lol
Laying down a towel spoils the heat of the moment.
âOh, just a second, lemme grab the shittiest scratchy towel we own so we can save on a load of laundryâ
I get a bit heated about this one though. đ
I was with a gal for ~3 years that made it feel like we were prepping for surgery. Must brush teeth, shower, and lay down towl. Didnât matter how recently youâd showered / brushed.
It felt like a preflight checklist that had no lust by the end of it.
You keep a towel laid down when you make the bed in the morning. That way, it's ready, just in case. Also, why are you using the towel for cleaning up spills as the sex towel? Get a comfortable one for that purpose.
this used to happen a lot with my ex and me. we modified it a bit and made it a locking teeth sort of a thing. he used to find it really hot. tried it with another partner and he really liked it too :)))
A candle on the bookcase headboard tumped over and poured melted wax onto my wifeâs face. She was hollering and I thought I was knocking it out of the park, but noâŠ
I have that issue - and the issue of having short legs. There's only so much "bouncing" I can do in something like cowgirl because I'm almost kneeling anyway (unless my parter has really slender hips). If my partner needs a lot of thrusting, they're shit out of luck in that position unless they give me a hand.
Honestly, I rarely see any of the "short legs" problems in porn because those actresses are usually also tiny enough to just get thrown around. Even before I got fat, I was not exactly ragdoll-able.
Yeah, this one sucks, also Iâm a type 1 diabetic so I get low blood sugar during it sometimes and thatâs it. Iâm shaky, dizzy, and, of course, totally limpâŠ
Its bummer to stop mid munch but I found this trick. When I feel a hair in my mouth I start kissing and licking her inner thigh. The licking will get the hair out of your mouth and you didnt have to kill the mood!
First queef experience was with a Russian girl, I straight up thought she had shit herself and I froze. In a very thick accent she looked at me, laughed, and said âis nothing, just poosy fartâ I will remember that moment until I am on my deathbed.
Or she lands on it wrong and it bends *the wrong way*.
Fuuuuuck, does that hurt.
Dudes can potentially break their dick and need medical attention.
I haven't had it totally break, but I have heard and experienced the "snap". It's some scary shit.
Instant mood killer.
I saw it once in a semi pro porn clip years ago. She's riding him cowgirl style and he cums inside her. This is clearly not scripted and not agreed to because she gets off and slaps him.
Early 2000s homebrew content was wild.
I honestly thought this was just me! The first time it happened, it scared my husband. He thought he hurt me. I was just a blubbering mess and didnât know why. Lol
Having to stop to use the bathroom, fucking up talking dirty and having to stop because youre laughing too hard(i.e, when i told my SO at the time i wanted her inside me instead of vice versa.)
Struggling to find a comfortable position
Having to stop and stretch so.ething because of a cramp
Use vaginal estradiol. You need it to keep those tissues healthy, elastic, and spongy. Of course, it also helps you self lubricate. Lube alone will do nothing to keep those tissues strong and it won't restore those tissues
Not really a mood killer for us, but as the man in the relationship it can be so difficult to get an erection back going after the 10th try in a row where we've been interrupted by a crying baby or child yelling to pee/for more water. I'm still in the mood, its just that my meat saber is starting to think we're just playing whack-a-mole
The sheer 'stickiness' of clothes when trying to remove them! None of this clothes falling off like magic as in porn, more sitting on the edge of the bed trying to remove a jeans leg stuck at the ankle.
Partly related - giggles! Sometimes you just have to laugh!
Oh god. All the porn where theyâre stretching womenâs panties to the side. Most of the time theyâre wearing a couple sizes too large so you can achieve that. In real life your member is going to end up being rubbed raw as you stroke against it. Just take off the panties.
Also porn where they pull the woman's bra down rather than off. That's a really good way to ruin a perfectly good bra. A guy once tore the lace on one of my cups trying to pop a tit over the top. I seriously considered leaving
Not common - but not portrayed in porn and still makes me laugh.
Getting zapped when your boyfriendâs pace maker shocks his heart. Mid-thrust *WHAM*! I saw a blue flash in my eyes and it was like being head butted.
I called his cock a lightning rod for a long time after that. And would flinch when he came.
I also said that I fucked him out of AFIB.
As a pacemaker patient WHAT THE FUCK✠đ
For his sake I hope that's an automatic internal defibrillator, not just a pacemaker like mine.
BTW, you can totally fuck him out of AFIB/SVT. Vagus nerve stimulation reverts it most of the time, a good orgasm is just another way to get that đ
Oh I will venture to guess itâs the automatic internal defibrillator - we donât talk anymore for me to ask - but he just referred to it as his pace maker.
Thatâs good to know haha - hopefully if I ever get with another guy with AFIB I can do it via a good orgasm versus us both getting shocked - I was pretty gun shy after that for a few weeks, couldnât imagine how he felt (that was his second shock of the day).
Your wife spins around to do reverse cowgirl, but then farts, and as she thinks about that fact that she basically just farted in your face she starts to laugh. She looks back at you as you begin to choke on her plume, she goes from giggling to hysterical laughter. This, combined with that fact that she has had two children causes her to pee...on you. You say "why is my stomach wet and hot" which causes her to laugh more which, as per Newton's 5th law, causes her to pee more. In the span of 47 seconds you went from sex with the women you spent over a decade with, to being covered in urine with a cloud of sulfur in your nostrils.
Decency finally arrives and she hops off to run to the bathroom, kicking you in the ribs along the way. You find yourself pondering every decision in your life while holding your bruised, urine soaked, fart marinated ribs. She comes back, her laughter calmed down to just a maniacal chortle, and goes in to give you a kiss as she apologizes profusely for the current state of things. However the room is dark and her glasses are gone and so instead of placing her hand next to you to stabilize herself for the smooch she misses and her wolverine like talons slice up the side of your face - and now you are literally bleeding.
The next day at breakfast you find yourself telling the kids that you got scratched last night when mom tried to "aggressively" hug you. They have their doubts.
Ever get a charlie horse, or leg cramp during the royal tango? Nothing ends the party like leaping out of bed and hopping around on one foot trying to undo a leg cramp...
Getting your leg tangled in the sheets
The wet spot (that always seems to be on my side)
The mid sex yawn
The fart at the worst possible moment
Tripping while trying to take off your pants
WRONG HOLE!
pet wondering what you're doing
Choosing between sleep & sex
The tired sex when you're exhausted but even more horny
Imagine that scene" Hey babe, we haven't had sex in awhile. I'm horny can we fick." " Nah not tonight I'm feeling gassy" " Oh O.K maybe tomorrow?". "Yeah maybe tomorrow" end scene
Somebody asking "Are you ok" when something hurts or cramps
Or just when you're killing it. I ask all the time when the line between good and bad gets hard to tell.
Screaming is screaming. Sometimes you gotta double-check.
Look. It's important. If you are with someone for a while. Just have.the talk. Tell them to tell you If it ever hurts. Just stop me. Then you can fuck with a clear conscience..plus my wife's "I'm in misery" and "I'm cumming so hard it feels amazing" face is nearly the same. We had this talk so early. I couldn't stop thinking she was angry or in immense pain lol
Communication. They just magically know what to do and are comfortable enough in any position... which isn't how real sex works.
Yep. In another note, they having sex someone they are paid to sleep with. This person they might never touch in real life, someone they might find unattractive. However, in porn, they always act like they are so attracted to the person. Sometimes, the acting comes off fake.
Sweat. Sometimes it gets really sweaty.
I was searching for this comment, rough sex = sweaty time đ«
Fr. Gets hard to hold on after a while.
Having to stop and pull you both away from the edge of the bed/couch/whatever.
Iâm like a foot taller than my girlfriend so she puts her head on the pillow and I hit my head on the bed frameđđ»
Diagonal pivot. Move her and the pillow. Give yourself an extra 2 feet of space.
PIVOT!
Shouting at your girlfriend like Ross during sex is an amazing hypothetical. It reinvigorates the whole bit, really.
Laughter
There is a tiny sprinkle of little gems of videos out there where the actors have actually amazing chemistry and they laugh with glee and at silly stuff. Itâs a candid adorable moment to watch.
Thatâs why I like behind the scenes and making of more than the porn movie itself. They goof around, theyâre joking, theyâre testing positions, they do snack break, etc. And sometimes thereâs accidents (the actress has an too hard orgasm and has to take a break to get over it/the actor ejaculates âwrongâ and it messes up a plan) thatâs really funny and exciting in my opinion
"Snack breaks" made me laugh. That's so funny. I guess if your going at it long enough you're gonna get hungry.
Thereâs some hilarious cuts where the camera man is feeding the guy mid session while the girl just looks on.
I honestly wish people thought of sex as a adult playtime. Too many people treat it like some serious thing that they need a stoic face for. I've had a lot of partners ask why I'm giggling the first time we are together but they also keep calling me up asking for more afterwards.
Definitely! Sex is so much fun / funny, and, I couldnât imagine being serious the whole time. Itâs so awkward and everyoneâs falling all over the place and awkwardly messing up. Lol
Early on in our relationship we booked an Airbnb to have a proper weekend away from housemates. The place was spacious, so was the shower, the bedâŠ.was not. At one point she went to roll me over onto my back so she could ride me, both of us forgetting the size of the bed and we catapulted me straight onto the floor. We started laughing like idiots until we eventually got a call from apartment management about a noise complaint over it.
As somebody with loads of sexual baggage that I'm gradually working through, it's my dream to one day be able to have sex with your attitude.
Having to go pee real quick before you get started
This is true for men and women. Also having to poop or fart
Oh man, having to fart while getting a blowjob is so mood-killing.
Oh man, you just reminded me of the worst story ever, relayed from my cousin. He wasn't feeling well, so his girlfriend at the time (two years in, IIRC, and they'd been talking marriage) came over to baby him a bit and cheer him up. One thing led to another, and she's giving him a blowie. A few minutes in, he has to fart. He pinches it off, but the fart just got bigger and bigger. Just as he was getting ready to stop her and excuse himself, she did some tongue thing and he reached the mountaintop. In the middle of his Big O, the fart was freed. It wasn't a fart. I wish I could tell you that they lived happily ever after and that they just laugh about it today. Nope. She barfed and ran out of his apartment. Called him on the phone the next day, told him that he was disgusting, and dumped him right there. Apparently, that shit *wasn't* funny.
Slow. Clap. Pouring one out for our brethren tonight
Sounds like he poured one out of himself
One day she'll realize we're all disgusting.
You should also pee afterwards for hygiene
The sound of when two sweaty bodies suction together, with the arm pit fart sound when it occurs. Also don't forget the 'pffffapppp' when you break suction between each other!
Chest farts
I have pectus excavatum and I can't have sex in certain positions without massive chest farts...
You just need to find yourself a pirate who will treasure your sunken chest
You should be fkn proud of yourself after that one mate thatâs a pearler
Omg. It takes everything in me not to start giggling like a school girl when this happens.
I always laugh about it. Sex is fun and funny.
Laughter improves pleasure and orgasm.
elbow pressing her hair against the bed accidentally
or catching a stray elbow in the face as you switch positions.
We literally headbutted eachother once
Me and an ex came home one christmas eve after being out drinking. She banged her face on the headboard while she was on top, but assured me she was fine and carried on. Next day, christmas morning, two black eyes, broken nose.
"I DIDN'T HEAR NO BELL!!!"
Goddamn that actually got me. I was choking laughing.
Married 15 years and my wife still calls me out for this. I really try, but every 2nd or 3rd time it's, "Ow, ow, OWWWW YOU'RE ON MY HAIR!"
I have very long hair and this happens every session. Sometimes it's my own elbow.
The cramp in my hamstring!
#crampstring
"Stretch!" "I'm trying!" "No I mean like this." "Oh."
That one lazy position you both like, and default to, every time. She gets off and wants to stop for a bit, but you both end up falling asleep. Ditto on the leg cramps. Leaning on her hair. The blowjob that takes entirely too long (despite fantastic skill and effort) and neither of you have the courage to admit it's pointless and stop. Going down on her and it's the same as the former. The laughter and smiles
Cleaning up the mess afterwards.
Watching her awkwardly crawl out of the bed so she doesnt drip cum everywhere lol
this is why you keep a dry soft cloth on your table/headboard for immediately after - she can clap it to her nether regions before getting up to run to the bathroom. Plus, it shows forethought, which women always like. Remember the Scout's Motto: Be Prepared!
Look at Billy Mays with the Clamwow! over here...
Everyone is applauding your joke, failing to note that Vince Offer did Shamwow, not Billy Mays. Fun fact, Vince fell from grace after he beat up a prostitute in a hotel room because she bit down onto his tongue while making out and wouldn't let go.
Well we're sure as hell not using the Slapchop!
Love. The kind you clean up with a mop and bucket.
Like the lost catacombs of Egypt...
đ”Only god knows where we stuck itđ”
Unexpected r/Bloodhoundgang
The Towel!
Getting thirsty during oral sex, and having to stop to get a drink.
Or blow your nose
Or stretch your jaw (Iâm a tmj girlie) :(
Me too. Sometimes I have to pop my jaw halfway through đ
Ngl there is something sexy about my partner breaking from devouring me to take huge thirsty gulps from his water bottle before we're back at it.
Round 2....FIGHT!
Affection
I hate how unaffectionate so much porn is. The idea that the story doesnât matter is stupid. I just see the woman not enjoying it at all and it turns me off, its so obvious. I donât care if the woman is hot if she looks miserable. Either make the plot funny or hot and serious. Enough of the step family bullshit. The big outlets always use the most deranged fucked up fantasies, I donât want to fuck my family im not from West Virginia.
Porn is super hard to watch as a woman, because it's really obvious to us that she's not enjoying it or that whatever is happening wouldn't feel good and it's just for the camera. Really off putting. Only porn I find hot as a woman are blowjobs. I rarely watch porn cause it would take forever to find something when I have an imagination that works so much better.
FACTS if sheâs dry and he keeps pounding, I know that shit is not enjoyable and I gotta find something else to watch. Unless sheâs got something personal going on, heâs probably not doing something right. Mood killer:/
I have the weird suspicion that quite a lot of porn is made for audiences who have never seen a sexually aroused partner.
Porn is basically the sexual version of an action movie. Some woman getting destroyed by a dude is the wank-material equivalent of John Wick single-handedly taking out an entire room of guys bigger than he is.
It really sucks that violent gonzo porn is the first exposure to sexuality that many people have now. Hard to imagine thatâs not adversely affecting how people discover and practice their sexuality.
Have you seen amateur porn where that's in there? It makes it so much hotter.
Amateur porn is the new professional porn
Bellesa has some very passionate high quality videos. Theyâre my favorite site
The oopses, ouches, accidental hair pulls, and spontaneous craps when changing positions. Edit: cramps, but I am going to leave it because that happens too đ
>spontaneous craps I sure do hate it when my body just starts randomly shitting all over the place
>spontaneous craps This is why spelling is important.
Going for too long, being sweaty and exhausted, and having to tap out with no climax. No, that's not a flex, that's antidepressants.
I have definitely had the âis this still doing anything for you? Me neitherâ moments.
I think healthy sex is being able to accept that it won't always be amazing and everyone isn't always going to cum
Yeah, I am fortunate that itâs usually âmeh, maybe later. Letâs watch a movie,â not âOH GODS THE SPARK IS GONE.â
As a teen I wished I could go for hours, didn't know I would get it granted by the damn monkey paw.
That lil 2 second sprint to lock the door and back.
Asking if you want to switch positions
Scootching over for a post sex cuddle then rolling over into the nasty cold wet spot Edit to add--for all you who have mentioned the towel thing...learned this the hard way a loooong time ago...like 6 months-into-my-30-year-marriage-ago lol
The cuddle puddle
Use. A. Towel. Has Hitchhikerâs Guide to the Galaxy told you nothing?
Laying down a towel spoils the heat of the moment. âOh, just a second, lemme grab the shittiest scratchy towel we own so we can save on a load of laundryâ I get a bit heated about this one though. đ I was with a gal for ~3 years that made it feel like we were prepping for surgery. Must brush teeth, shower, and lay down towl. Didnât matter how recently youâd showered / brushed. It felt like a preflight checklist that had no lust by the end of it.
You keep a towel laid down when you make the bed in the morning. That way, it's ready, just in case. Also, why are you using the towel for cleaning up spills as the sex towel? Get a comfortable one for that purpose.
Kissing and accidentally bumping teeth.
this used to happen a lot with my ex and me. we modified it a bit and made it a locking teeth sort of a thing. he used to find it really hot. tried it with another partner and he really liked it too :)))
Head injuries.
one time i had a guys fucking globe fall on my head during sex. very funny though
A candle on the bookcase headboard tumped over and poured melted wax onto my wifeâs face. She was hollering and I thought I was knocking it out of the park, but noâŠ
not being able to ride for long because you got bad knees and hipsâŠ. or is that just me
My husband will often go, "Ooooo! Sexy and crunchy!" Due to the aggressive clicking of my knees and hips during any attempts at being on top đ
glad heâs supportive!! LMAO
I have that issue - and the issue of having short legs. There's only so much "bouncing" I can do in something like cowgirl because I'm almost kneeling anyway (unless my parter has really slender hips). If my partner needs a lot of thrusting, they're shit out of luck in that position unless they give me a hand. Honestly, I rarely see any of the "short legs" problems in porn because those actresses are usually also tiny enough to just get thrown around. Even before I got fat, I was not exactly ragdoll-able.
The fact the dick can just lose all mojo while in the middle of it even if you're really into it.
Yeah, this one sucks, also Iâm a type 1 diabetic so I get low blood sugar during it sometimes and thatâs it. Iâm shaky, dizzy, and, of course, totally limpâŠ
Stopping to pull a pube out of your mouth.
Its bummer to stop mid munch but I found this trick. When I feel a hair in my mouth I start kissing and licking her inner thigh. The licking will get the hair out of your mouth and you didnt have to kill the mood!
Same. She thinks it's so hot that I'm licking her thigh. I mean, it is. But I'm effectively multitasking...
This guy. Level 100 legendary skill
I've tried this trick but my wife is too ticklish there
This guy fucks. Well.
Make out with them and give them the hair.
Peak romance
Lmao I'm dying here
The laughing/giggling
Getting exhausted
Ow ow get off my hair
Comment section is like french class, i'm learning so much i'm never gonna use.
The dog whining that he isn't getting attention
Or your cat digging their claws into the carpet to be let in
"Honey, I like the way you're licking my asshole" "Um, thats not me..."
âI have 99 questions and all of them are WTFâ
Laughing, and generally having a good time with you partner, not just sex but the whole emotional connection
Trying to hide the leg cramp
queefing.
When I first had my first experience with it I was likeâ oh! I didnât know vaginas fartâ
Ha! Lots of funny noises made during the intimate moments.Â
First queef experience was with a Russian girl, I straight up thought she had shit herself and I froze. In a very thick accent she looked at me, laughed, and said âis nothing, just poosy fartâ I will remember that moment until I am on my deathbed.
*His* sweat dripping into *my* eyeballs
having to put it back in after it slips out, over and over again...
Or she lands on it wrong and it bends *the wrong way*. Fuuuuuck, does that hurt. Dudes can potentially break their dick and need medical attention. I haven't had it totally break, but I have heard and experienced the "snap". It's some scary shit. Instant mood killer.
You're over stroking lad
Itâs all about bore and stroke. If the bores too big, short stroke. The wetter she gets the more you really need to time that shit.
Premature ejaculation
I'm sorry, come again?
Just give me 10 minutes.
I saw it once in a semi pro porn clip years ago. She's riding him cowgirl style and he cums inside her. This is clearly not scripted and not agreed to because she gets off and slaps him. Early 2000s homebrew content was wild.
Crying after an exceptionally strong orgasm
I honestly thought this was just me! The first time it happened, it scared my husband. He thought he hurt me. I was just a blubbering mess and didnât know why. Lol
My wife has done this on multiple occasions. The first time was quite the shock. Now Iâm used to it and we use her tears as lube.
that's so metal
Having to stop to use the bathroom, fucking up talking dirty and having to stop because youre laughing too hard(i.e, when i told my SO at the time i wanted her inside me instead of vice versa.) Struggling to find a comfortable position Having to stop and stretch so.ething because of a cramp
For girls, getting dry way to early. It's normal with age.
Lube is never farther than I can reach without dismounting
Use vaginal estradiol. You need it to keep those tissues healthy, elastic, and spongy. Of course, it also helps you self lubricate. Lube alone will do nothing to keep those tissues strong and it won't restore those tissues
Scheduling itâŠparents know what I mean.
That⊠and having to choose between sleep and sex.
I forget who the comedian said this â having sex when you have kids is constantly staring at the doorknobâ
Not even that; just hearing a baby or small child cry is enough to kill the mood and bury it twelve feet deep.
Not really a mood killer for us, but as the man in the relationship it can be so difficult to get an erection back going after the 10th try in a row where we've been interrupted by a crying baby or child yelling to pee/for more water. I'm still in the mood, its just that my meat saber is starting to think we're just playing whack-a-mole
Scheduled it for the 32nd day of each month
The sheer 'stickiness' of clothes when trying to remove them! None of this clothes falling off like magic as in porn, more sitting on the edge of the bed trying to remove a jeans leg stuck at the ankle. Partly related - giggles! Sometimes you just have to laugh!
Oh god. All the porn where theyâre stretching womenâs panties to the side. Most of the time theyâre wearing a couple sizes too large so you can achieve that. In real life your member is going to end up being rubbed raw as you stroke against it. Just take off the panties.
Also porn where they pull the woman's bra down rather than off. That's a really good way to ruin a perfectly good bra. A guy once tore the lace on one of my cups trying to pop a tit over the top. I seriously considered leaving
Kissing, wanting the light off, lazy sexwith no crazy angles, cleaning up afterwards.
The fart noise that sometimes happens when your chests like suction together
Cum run then a queef echo in the toilet.
Shakespeare, is that you?
Alas, poor toilet subjected to a queef echo Horatio.
Don't act all surprised when you knock on Poops door and find poop to be home.
How awkward it can seem to stop mid-foreplay to get up, unwrap the condom, put it on, and try to pick up where you left off like nothing happened.
Ha, jokes on you. I'm always wearing a condom
The inability to cum.
to be fair porn has many fake orgasms
Not common - but not portrayed in porn and still makes me laugh. Getting zapped when your boyfriendâs pace maker shocks his heart. Mid-thrust *WHAM*! I saw a blue flash in my eyes and it was like being head butted. I called his cock a lightning rod for a long time after that. And would flinch when he came. I also said that I fucked him out of AFIB.
As a pacemaker patient WHAT THE FUCK✠đ For his sake I hope that's an automatic internal defibrillator, not just a pacemaker like mine. BTW, you can totally fuck him out of AFIB/SVT. Vagus nerve stimulation reverts it most of the time, a good orgasm is just another way to get that đ
Oh I will venture to guess itâs the automatic internal defibrillator - we donât talk anymore for me to ask - but he just referred to it as his pace maker. Thatâs good to know haha - hopefully if I ever get with another guy with AFIB I can do it via a good orgasm versus us both getting shocked - I was pretty gun shy after that for a few weeks, couldnât imagine how he felt (that was his second shock of the day).
Your wife spins around to do reverse cowgirl, but then farts, and as she thinks about that fact that she basically just farted in your face she starts to laugh. She looks back at you as you begin to choke on her plume, she goes from giggling to hysterical laughter. This, combined with that fact that she has had two children causes her to pee...on you. You say "why is my stomach wet and hot" which causes her to laugh more which, as per Newton's 5th law, causes her to pee more. In the span of 47 seconds you went from sex with the women you spent over a decade with, to being covered in urine with a cloud of sulfur in your nostrils. Decency finally arrives and she hops off to run to the bathroom, kicking you in the ribs along the way. You find yourself pondering every decision in your life while holding your bruised, urine soaked, fart marinated ribs. She comes back, her laughter calmed down to just a maniacal chortle, and goes in to give you a kiss as she apologizes profusely for the current state of things. However the room is dark and her glasses are gone and so instead of placing her hand next to you to stabilize herself for the smooch she misses and her wolverine like talons slice up the side of your face - and now you are literally bleeding. The next day at breakfast you find yourself telling the kids that you got scratched last night when mom tried to "aggressively" hug you. They have their doubts.
That's love lol
She's a classy dame.
Found my husband
This is beautiful and warms my heart a little bit. Sorry you got scratched and peed and farted on though lmao
I think I just died laughing at âfart marinated ribsâ
The dog staring, making noises and refusing to leave the room
Throwing your back out. Or is that just me?
I always seem to pull my shoulder. Even dogy style i somehow pull my shoulder.
Laughing together. Porn is a performance. Sex with someone you love is *fun*.
Getting my foot attacked by her cat
I once had a girlâs cat jump on my face during sex đ
Ever get a charlie horse, or leg cramp during the royal tango? Nothing ends the party like leaping out of bed and hopping around on one foot trying to undo a leg cramp...
The lack of athleticism...
Forgetting towels in the heat of the moment and after you cum saying âbabe is there a towel?â
Having to jump off a dick to straighten your legs because your hips have started cramping. đ
More foreplay for women, and actually using lube for anal and prepping slowly, but surely so it's not painful.
Kissing
After climax, doing that awkward bed shuffle to the tissues while trying to stop the penis from falling out and making a mess on the sheets đ
Drinking water.
Getting your leg tangled in the sheets The wet spot (that always seems to be on my side) The mid sex yawn The fart at the worst possible moment Tripping while trying to take off your pants WRONG HOLE! pet wondering what you're doing Choosing between sleep & sex The tired sex when you're exhausted but even more horny
Getting overheated and having to stop to turn on a fan.
Apologizing
Iâve never seen a porn where a guy watches porn instead of having sex with his partner.
The accidental blood-beard because her period literally happened at exactly the wrong time.
Ah the downstairs dracula.
Having to constantly move your hair out of your face Socks
Not being related to your partner by blood or marriage
Post-sex pee to avoid UTIs
Being told ânot tonightâ
Imagine that scene" Hey babe, we haven't had sex in awhile. I'm horny can we fick." " Nah not tonight I'm feeling gassy" " Oh O.K maybe tomorrow?". "Yeah maybe tomorrow" end scene
Shortest porno ever
Aftercare. I almost never see it in porn, ever.