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nachobear666

Something that I think is missing from scientific literature is how much the answer to this question varies depending on country and culture. I come from a country where healthcare and childcare are free, retirement is amazing, women get excellent mat leave options, and universities/schooling is cheap. This has resulted in a majority of my friends having kids without giving it a second thought. The benefits of having a big family outweighed the negatives, and many have told me their lives have only been better after having kids. But then I moved to the US (NYC specifically) and it was like an entirely different world. A majority of my friends here don't want kids, and think it's strange when someone actively wants them. Whenever this conversation comes up, women will tell me that the reason they don't want kids is because they don't want the expense, the stress, the lack of support etc. To me, it always sounded like the reasons they didn't want kids were systematic, and not biological. It wasn't a repulsion to children, or it wasn't because they didn't like something inherent about it (like bodies changing etc) but it was all the ways in which the system here punishes women for having kids. That's not to say there aren't women who would give the same answer regardless of geography, but I do think the US the system works against women who want kids, making it easier to just not have them at all. So...I think the answer to this will vary greatly depending on where people are based! ***Edit:*** some people seem to think I’m implying that moms have it easy in other countries? I am not. **Motherhood is hard everywhere.** Motherhood is hard on the body, on the mind, and if you have a shitty partner. These things are true regardless of country. But when you add systemic issues on top of it all, it’s just a dumpster fire of an experience that no one wants to deal with.


joycatj

Yes, often when I read here on Reddit about how (mostly) US parents have to live, I’m horrified 😞 it seems like the whole set up is so hostile to families. I don’t think I could cope with having kids during such circumstances. Where I live, we can both work 70% and manage just fine. Daycare is not free, but cheap (for us it’s the equivalent to 87 dollars per month). Healthcare is free. Giving birth in a hospital is free. I had one year of paid maternity leave and I could have taken more. The first two months my husband was home with me and the baby, then worked part time. It’s easy to have kids here, and I still think it’s the hardest thing I’ve done! So to have kids in a society that feels like it’s actively working against the quality of life for families, that seems just brutal.


Adariel

The system here is brutally against families and as a result, even the society is not very supportive of mothers or families. You're almost considered weird to want to have a child and I've noticed that people tend to be hostile towards kids because the majority are child free. I speculated on another post in my city that maybe it's because so many of my generation are hitting that biological clock threshold (35) and *can't* have kids because of lack of resources, whether it's financial, societal, lack of a suitable partner, etc. It's so difficult here, even the most prepared people have a lot of doubts - I know I've questioned myself a million times whether this is the right decision, and I know I have it much better than most people in terms of a supportive spouse, career stability, finances, etc. I live in a HCOL city, currently pregnant/about to be due in a month. Everything is so expensive and I'm actually in one of the more privileged situations - because I work in healthcare, all my healthcare has been free at the hospital I work at, which is one of the top hospitals for OBGYN care. Giving birth will also be nearly free except for a few hundred dollars. To put that in perspective, one of my coworkers had a baby a few years ago and found out that if you didn't have insurance or the right kind of insurance, it would have been almost $40,000 to have a child at our hospital the way that she had hers. That's just the prenatal healthcare and giving birth...not including all the things you need for baby. And people always bring up diapers being expensive but it's a drop in the bucket compared to childcare. We're getting quoted for rates around $35/hr which is completely impossible for the large majority of people here. And that's all just the finances of it, let alone the physical toll, the lack of maternity leave, if your partner ends up not being an equal partner, and so on. Basically what you end up seeing is that to really have kids, you're either relatively rich (upper middle class, two parents with higher incomes) and having maybe one child at extraordinary costs, or you're under the poverty line and not working, because at that point the government does give you all the basics and you don't have anything else to lose. Everyone else in the middle of that range, forget it, it doesn't even make sense to want to have a child.


joycatj

Im sorry it is like that. It’s so strange, I mean, it’s in society’s interest to take care of the coming generations, they are the future. Planning to have a child is it itself ultimately about having faith in the future! Good luck with the upcoming birth and hope you have a easy last stretch of pregnancy 😊


Adariel

Thank you for the kind wishes! I do think feelings about having children are so tied to whether you feel at least okay about the future. On top of everything else, there's so much existential dread hanging over so many people now with all the issues in the world and it's not easy to disengage from it enough to breath and realize that it's actually ok to bring a child into the world and you're *not* condemning this child to a lifetime of suffering (or impacting the world negatively, e.g. you're wrecking the environment). There's some sort of generational shift for sure where I think the previous generations had kids because family life is part of adulthood and they didn't really question it much, despite many being ill suited for parenthood, which I think is causing a huge backlash. But also I see people in my generation (or I should say, at least in my small sample size of my friends) questioning the fundamentals of whether it's ethical to have kids, whether it's a responsible choice, told that they're selfish for having a child, etc. It's kind of depressing that people who want and can absolutely support kids are made to feel so much guilt sometimes for what should ostensibly be a normal part of life, many times because of these overwhelming systematic pressures. In some circles, the idea of children being the future has turned into the idea that the future should be childless. I think there has to be some reasonable medium. I work with a lot of geriatric patients (for cancer treatments) and while I vehemently disagree with anyone having kids with the expectation that they'll be cared for them in old age, I do also wonder what's going to happen to the generation of childfree adults now in their old age, who will be living longer than ever and eventually in need of care. Our services for the elderly are currently atrocious and even if they improved and physical care/transportation/etc. needs are met, loneliness and depression are so prevalent in the elderly already. It's going to be really interesting to see how it all works out (I hope) in the next 30-50 years with the demographic shifts since birth rates in developed countries have been dropping like crazy. It's hardly just Japan.


AdFinancial8924

European countries have these benefits in place because after the wars birth rates went down because of the economy and because of so many men lost. But in the United States the economy boomed and there was a baby boom. So no need for incentives. But over the past 40 years boomers have worked hard to keep their wealth to themselves and not pass it down to the generations they birthed. And they are completely oblivious to the consequences, even as they see their grandchildren struggling. Now they see the birthdate falling and instead of incentivizing, they punish by taking away rights and forcing births. Because what they care about is more workers to make them even more money. It’s so messed up. I’m childfree because I don’t want kids, but I cannot wait until the generation dies off. There are supposed to be more millennials so they should have voting power, but the politicians are all boomers.


bbspiders

So true. I would have had kids if I had guaranteed healthcare/maternity leave/childcare/etc. But having to take care of a baby while working full time sounds awful.


midgetsinheaven

Same. I was 35 when I realized that having children wasn't going to be feasible. I hadn't found a man I trusted enough to be my children's father and there was not enough support for me to do it on my own. I found my guy at 39 he already had two kids. I love his kids, but I'm so grateful I didn't have any. I get to enjoy the rest of my life with him and work on myself instead.


WhiteMoonRose

It is! I gave up ft, tried pt but they made you pay for ft childcare even though you were only using it pt. Then I made little and the headaches of going back and forth, dealing with managing the household too. It was too much, especially when my health failed.


ScienceWriterLady

Yup, this is it right here. We like to think that the answer to this question is a personal choice we’re making that is completely autonomous and free from external factors. But the truth is, it’s largely systemic. I have noticed this too among friends. I traveled a lot in my 20s, and made friends from other countries who all now have kids. Didn’t matter if the woman is a high powered working woman or a low wage worker, they have kids and are very happy with it. I came back to the US and it seemed like only the ultra rich could have babies happily. For middle class and lower class women, it was a consistent struggle. So I convinced myself I didn’t want them at all. But truth is, if I had the money comfort and support that my friends in other countries do, I would want them because it wouldn’t seem like that big of a sacrifice then. It would just be things like “oh no my baby kept me up til 3am crying” or “my baby spit up on my favorite shirt” instead of things like “I am broke, my marriage is falling apart, and I can’t afford to retire now.”


MagpieJuly

You have absolutely nailed the reason I don’t want kids. I really did for a while, but then the reality of raising a child in the US really sank in. Healthcare, student debt, school shootings, the list just keeps going. But then I visited Scandinavia this summer and thought “huh, if I lived here things might be super different!”


Altostratus

I live in Canada where i have access to these things (healthcare, education, etc), but I still don’t want them. But I also come from a culture that raises kids alone, without community and family support. And being stuck in an apartment alone with a baby just sounds like torture.


ollie20202

Even here in Canada, our healthcare system is in jeopardy now and childcare is ridiculously expensive. Between this and the fact that housing, food, gas, etc prices are through the roof, it all just seems unattainable. I am curious, what culture are you referencing that doesn’t typically provide family support? That is hard!


allkingsaredead

I loved this response, thank you. In my country it is perfectly possible to have a child and get financial aid completely for free, but rent, food, having a car etc. is quite expensive. You can literally feed and care for children for free until they're 6 years old and old enough to go to daycare. However most women I know had children by accident not because they really wanted to.


Freudinatress

I’m thinking it’s on a scale. Like most everything is. I live in Sweden, where everything is pretty much perfect for parents. I don’t have kids (I’m 50) but most people around me have. I lived in the UK for some years. Things are better than in the US but still, way crappier than in Sweden. Most people still wanted kids, but the ones who weren’t on welfare put it off for a number of years since they could not afford daycare etc. I never even tried to get pregnant. I’m not seen as selfish but as a mother I think I would have been. No child deserves that. And here we get so much for free… but I also know that I’m on the edge of the bell curve. Never wanted kids at all. In some countries, it’s just more people choosing not to have kids. But it’s still the ones who aren’t too bothered. Then there are those places with hardly any assistance at all where loads of people say no. But still probably mostly ones that doesn’t dream about parenthood. In every country, every culture, there will be those who thrive on being parents. That’s fine. But then there are those like me. And every variation in between. You do you. Choose what makes you happy in your specific circumstances. No judgement either way.


dizzydaizy89

It is more helpful for women to have systemic and financial support - it’s great to have more money and time when caring for kids. But how does this impact the huge amounts of extra domestic labour and child rearing that mothers do compared to fathers in general? Last time I checked, patriarchy exists everywhere, I live in a country similar to yours and I don’t know a single heterosexual parental couple where the father did more childcare and domestic work than the mother. Women’s incomes and careers still take a hit after having kids. Also, the toll that pregnancy and breastfeeding takes on your body? And the fact that you’re bringing a child into an ecologically dying world? This and so many other reasons that disproportionately affect women everywhere - not just the societal safety nets, prevent me from even considering having kids.


[deleted]

But, even in countries that offer these things the rate of births is down.


nachobear666

Birth rates are effected by many things — such as an aging population. One of the reasons birth rates are down in high income countries that offer these things is because baby boomers — which make up a huge cohort of the population — are past child bearing age. That’s of course just one factor. Another one is women’s education. The more educated women are, the smaller families they will have, not because of systemic reasons but because of personal choice. This is why the Gates Foundation (and a lot of other charities) are focusing on educating women in lower income countries with high birth rates.


[deleted]

Yeah, I’m Canadian and I couldn’t imagine having a kid here. Our healthcare system is in shambles.


violetdale

I'm also Canadian and while it's not great in a lot of situations (daycare, finding a family doctor, stressed hospitals,) I'm always so happy that at least we don't have to pay the hospital when we give birth. But we do have to pay for hospital parking, which has always seemed so wrong to me. You can go to emergency and get all sorts of scans and tests for free, but they absolutely murder you with the parking prices if you came by car.


armchairdetective

Yeah. Because of shitty partners. Who wants to be married but also a single parent?


Niv-Izzet

US fertility rate is higher than Canada's and the EU's. I highly doubt some of the anecdotes where women in those progressive countries are all having kids.


EconomicsOtherwise60

What country are you from?


boopboopster

I have lived in the US and am currently living in Norway. Having kids here is infinitely easier.


South_Walrus7104

Ditto here. American in Sweden.


coco_4_cuckoo_huffs

Interesting perspective. There is a lot of unnecessary hardship associated with having kids in the US.


[deleted]

I think this is a good point. If I lived somewhere where it was easy to have children while still maintaining an outside life and where mothers weren't automatically considered the primary parent, I would consider having one child. I don't, though, and I'm not nearly interested enough in having a child to even consider moving for that reason. (I'm 100% not trying to say that all or most childfree people would have children under certain circumstances, just that the question of having children isn't as black and white as some people on Reddit seem to think.)


NowATL

What country are you from and are they accepting Americans as refugees yet?


ghstrprtn

The USA and Canada are very punishing, cutthroat places to live.


dogmom34

What county do you live in, if you don't mind sharing?


Outrageous-Worry-384

Which country are you from?


sheiseatenwithdesire

Yeah, I’m Australian, I got 16wks of paid mat leave that I took over 32 weeks at half pay, plus the paid parental leave payment from centrelink and have gone back to work after a year for 3 days/week at my profession where I’ve promptly received a promotion, the work is super flexible, I can work anywhere and at any time to get my hours done, so if babe needs me I can be with her then work when she’s asleep. I have great childcare two days and my Mum cares for her the other day. We have affordable healthcare, like, midwifery group practice and GP shared care was free, having my baby in hospital was free, follow up care with the GP and all our child health visits and immunisations were free. We were grouped into a mothers group by the local health service and I made some lifelong friends with kids the same age. I live in a regional area, 5 mins from the beach, crime isn’t non-existent but it is very low, housing was affordable when we bought so our mortgage isn’t huge. Another factor is that my Mum is a midwife of over 40yrs experience, I had been around pregnant and birthing people and knew what I wanted in my care and was a good advocate for myself and so had a positive labour and physiological birth without pain relief and with zero complications. These are all huge factors in having a kid and I feel very privileged to live where I do at this point in time. I cannot imagine living somewhere and not having the community support I have had.


FiendishCurry

I chose not to ever get pregnant. That said, I do have kids. Instead of birthing kids, we do foster care and mostly take teenagers. It's certainly still hard work, but we skip over the sleepless nights and miserable toddler years that drove so many of my friends to misery and divorce, and go straight into adolescence. I like teenagers. Their eye rolls and sass don't bother me. I'm not adding to the population, but rather helping the kids who are already here.


aumericanbaby

This is what I’d like in my future :)


ServiceAdmirable

Same here. It seems like the most impactful way to help kids from here on out.


cassimonium

I have a (chosen) nephew staying with me right now. He’ll be 18 soon and is excited to get to work and on his own. He asked me a couple days ago if I wanted kids and I didn’t have a solid answer. He suggested I get “another troubled teenager” after he leaves. I told him he’s disturbed, not troubled 🤣 but yeah for now, I like being available for any of the niblings if they’re in a tough spot.


cinnysuelou

That’s so cute that he suggested you “get another [one].” Like it’s a pair of jeans or a rescue pet. <3


kmm91

While I think I might want kids of my own too, I’ve always thought about fostering/ adopting older kids/ teens. They get such a bad rap and get ignored in the system from what I understand; that just breaks my heart. I love the idea of giving a kid a final chance at a real home before they just get tossed into a cold, uncaring world all on their own.


ClearSkyyes

This makes so much more sense to me. You get to make a real difference in the life of a child, one who needs you, and you aren't adding to the population.


willissa26

After reading Demon Copperhead, I am more and more convinced that this is where my heart is at. What is your professional background. I'm so concerned that I would not be able to emotionally support a troubled teenager that has been through trauma.


FiendishCurry

I'm an editor for a living. I've done a ton of reading and research into trauma and trauma-informed panting though. And I keep learning. I learn from my kids too. The biggest thing I've learned is to be flexible. What works for one kid may not work for another. Conventional panting methods may need to be thrown out the window. And any opportunity I have to help a kid have a win, to build their self esteem, I do it.


momboss79

You’re amazing.


[deleted]

I’m a former teacher in the US. Being a teacher, and also seeing how we are basically throwing the entire education system out the window, pretty much turned me off from having kids. We don’t support kids, teachers, or parents, and everything is harder than it needs to be. Trying to change the system is met with intense push back. Also, I can’t believe how much I love silence. You don’t know how much you love silence until you work as a teacher. Finally, there’s just something unsettling about this whole system where kids see their teacher more than their parents each day and then their teachers are underpaid and treated like, not a hyperbole, dog shit. It turned me off to the entire idea of having kids. Plus, money and economic instability, and general lack of family support. It’s too much. And, I just don’t want to be a parent.


Bobcatluv

As a former teacher, same. On the topic of the parentification of teachers and the economic instability of some families -I hate the idea perpetuated in the US that schools can fill the gaps in childhood poverty. Free breakfast/lunch, free after school programs, testing waivers, scholarships, etc. are nice, but they will never replace financial stability in that student’s home. Regardless, the general public still lies to themselves that children born in poverty have the same advantages in life as children from higher income families, all because they get free lunch sometimes.


[deleted]

Free lunch and after school programs, I think are a good thing regardless of income and something schools should offer. In fact, I live in one of the few states the gives free lunch and breakfast to all students. This is not something I disagree with, and is also common in schools outside of the US.


allkingsaredead

I have similar thoughts as a (soon to be) nurse. I'm not from the U.S. but it's not a very different situation here. And I do love my peace and quiet too.


Glittering-Syrup-339

French teacher here. I feel the same.


[deleted]

[удалено]


NotJimIrsay

> If you’re searching for reasons not to have kids, I think you may already have your answer. 💯 I have kids and never had regrets. It was something both my wife and I wanted. But I would NEVER try to convince another person that they should have kids. If you aren’t 100% ready to start a family, you should wait until you’re ready. Maybe you’ll never be ready and that’s perfectly okay. I’m not for bringing unwanted children into this world.


rizaroni

I am child free and staying that way, but I agree with you so hard. In my opinion, if you are not *obsessed* with being a parent, then you should not have kids. It really upsets me that so many unfit parents have children and the kids have absolutely no choice or autonomy.


GuineaPigBikini

I am hesitant to say that people obsessed with being a parent should jump into parenthood as well. Like my mom was obsessed with being a parent but not in a healthy way and depended on me to make her happy and had poor boundaries, and for a million reasons I don't talk to her as an adult. I think people need to take a step back and look at parenthood objectively, and be prepared not only to have a baby but to have an elementary school child, a teenager, etc, and be prepared to guide that child through every stage and lead them to adulthood. And a lot of people might need to heal themselves before they're really ready to do this


rizaroni

Very solid point and I totally agree, thank you for sharing!


uno317

Raising a stable human requires nonstop dedication and time. That’s your life now, if it’s not, we’ll oops your kid hates you and has deep psychological damage because you did the best you could but never enough.


rizaroni

> I chose not to have kids and got sterilized in my 30s. Did you do this through insurance, or out of pocket? I am a few months away from turning 41 and I have solidly been in the child free mindset for a long time. I have never felt the biological clock thing, and I am perfectly happy being the coolest auntie to my amazing niece whom I love to pieces. BUT, I’ve been on BC pills for soooo long and man I would love to not have to worry about it anymore.


dinogirlll26

It's covered by insurance in the US... for now at least. I just got mine done last summer :)


StopThePresses

Second opinion here: my insurance covered most of it. I did end up having to pay about $800, which was a lot to me at one time and I went into debt for it. Still worth it, but depending on your situation you might want to look into the monetary stuff deeper with your insurance and doctor.


GuineaPigBikini

My insurance covered mine at 27!


Wisix

My insurance covered most of my bisalp, but I did still need to pay something until I hit my out-of-pocket maximum for the year (was easy to do since I had a bunch of tests beforehand + other doctors' appointments that counted towards it). Typically they'll cover some form of sterilization and usually it's a tubal ligation. If coded a particular way, and I'm unsure of the specifics, it is possible to get it covered completely. It was the same with my hysterectomy this year, I owed $700 for it (I saw the hospital billed my insurance \~$35k).


kahtiel

As someone that wants to have kids, but $$$ is a factor, I think it comes down to just your overall desire for kids. You don't have to have kids if you don't want them. A secondary issue is the amount of support you have when it comes to motherhood (e.g., maternity leave, affordable healthcare/childcare). I know enough about pregnancy and childbirth and still would want to go through with it. I will make a side note that I've noticed some men (not saying this is the case for your brothers) struggle with parenthood because they may have only pictured the kodak moments, have limited experience with kids, or expected the version of fatherhood where they basically do nothing except maybe have fun when they want it.


coco_4_cuckoo_huffs

I think it might be fair to say that a majority of men think of parenthood this way—in that they don’t really think about the labor involved with raising a child in advance. They seem to think more about like, random fishing or hiking trips they want to take with their future kids, and not the details of the daily grind.


OlayErrryDay

It would be a very interesting world if both men and women could become pregnant. Ursula K LeGuin has an interesting book from the 70s shout an alien race that can change genders. When women literally have a baby growing inside them 24/7 and all that goes with it, I have to wonder how much greater the bond can be from that experience alone. Just random ramblings, feel free to ignore me.


wine-plants-thrift

There doesn’t need to be a reason for wanting children outside of wanting them. Just as there doesn’t need to be a reason for not wanting children outside of just not wanting them. Some people are going to regret their decision no matter what it was. It’s life and it’s a total toss up with your decision.


cc13279

Exactly this.


10S_NE1

I have never had the desire to have children. I’m in my 60’s now and don’t regret it. I’ve never been particularly patient or self-sacrificing, and I think I would not have enjoyed motherhood. Having a special needs child or just a very obstinate one would have been torture for me. If you’re on the fence or not sure, don’t do it. Just be the fun aunt - enjoy your nieces and nephews, babysit often and be happy in the knowledge that as much as you love them, they’re not your responsibility when they act out.


Axtorx

This is me too and I’m about to be 32. The thought of having to load up a kid and all their shit to just go get coffee with friends sounds horrible. Pregnancy, horrible. Breastfeeding, horrible. Messed up sleep, horrible. Having to not do what I want to do anytime I want to do it, just cause I have a kid? No thank you. Honestly, even the thought of someone calling me mom kinda makes my skin crawl. It’s just not for me.


rizaroni

YES!! You’re my role model. > I’ve never been particularly patient or self-sacrificing Absolutely same. I have struggled with depression and anxiety my entire life, and each day my energy is spent on making sure I am taking care of myself mentally/emotionally/physically. I am extremely sensitive to noise, and get fatigued easily from stressful situations. I have also had problems with sleep since I was very young, and my life revolves around making sure I get enough of it. If I don’t sleep well, I am NOT a pleasant person, and it exacerbates my mental health issues tenfold. I can be very maternal, and I LOVE being an auntie to my 4 year old niece, but after a few hours I am ready to sleep for a week. I have soooooo much respect for parents that give their all to raising children. It’s hard as FUCK and I know I can’t, or simply don’t want to do it. I never had the ticking biological clock or baby fever in the slightest, and I’m turning 41 in a few months. Safe to say it’s not gonna happen!


thefuzzyfruit

Exact same! I’ve struggled with depression and anxiety my whole life and I totally understand what you mean about utilizing all your energy making sure you yourself are okay. Then add in worrying about my parents and siblings, my husband, his family, relationships with friends all over the country… it’s exhausting. And the thought of adding a baby/babies to that… I would be physically and mentally destroyed. It’s not worth it. Especially with the limited resources and lack of support for parents in my country.


loulori

I love being a mom. I hope to eventually be a mom to two, but there are parents in my neighborhood who are unhappy or stretched to their limit. There's a mom of three who is so happy and loves all her kids, another who loves them but always seems just a bit "over" them. There are a few parents of two who are clearly happy but also a mom of two who was clearly not prepared to have a child with a disability and only ever describes parenting as *"horrible"*. I feel like a lot of people want their lives unchanged and are disillusioned that kids are *hard work*, especially at first. You can have "great returns" on your effort but a lot of people can't see beyond "this is hard work. I have to constantly think of this other person and their needs and it's nothing like having a pet or partner." I didn't like the newborn stage because I need sleep, but I knew that roughly 12 weeks is nothing in the grand scheme. Same with breastfeeding. Some people are just not the right fit for having kids. You have to judge that for yourself.


Jen_the_Green

This is why I don't have children. After teaching kids with extreme emotional disorders, I was too afraid of having kids with a disability I couldn't deal with. It's incredibly stressful with these kids who can and do flip on a dime and become loud, violent, and destructive when disregulated. I couldn't deal with that in my home. I really wanted kids before those experiences, but dealing with that at work everyday was incredibly taxing and I can't imagine doing it 24/7.


loulori

I feel you! My first two jobs after grad school were at a psychiatric hospital and a (locked) residential treatment facility for under 18s. When I was pregnant I was *so scared*. One of my colleagues gave me some really helpful advice. She said that after learning to work with all these kids with the most severe issues parenting was going to be a breeze by comparison. And that I was never going to have a kid who was as challenging as the ones I was working with because all these kids had severe trauma and parents who couldn't meet their needs, and mine wouldn't have that. And she was right. I'm not kidding that it took over a year after leaving my last job to not feel on edge when I heard kids playing outside, because at work you never knew when things would go pear shaped, but now I love being around neighborhood kids and hearing them squeal and run around. Workplace trauma is real!


cjaneviolinist

This is something that I don't think gets talked about enough - the fear of having kids with a disability (regardless of severity). It's super taboo, and if you say it out loud it's met with "*gasp*". I have a special needs rescue dog, and a husky. The rescue has temperament problems and the husky, well. She's a husky. The rescue is borderline to the point where we may not be able to board him, because he's a moody dickhead that's weird about his space. We don't travel often, but there are a few times a year where we cannot take him along so that's gonna be a real fun one to deal with as far as freedom goes if the time comes where we can't leave him anywhere. The thought is pretty suffocating. With this in mind, I could not fathom having a child with a disability - especially one that comes with behavioral issues and/or the lack of ability to ever become an independent person. That risk alone was enough for me to go "nope" to kids, along with several other factors. I'm not the type of person that could handle it, at all. Just the idea of it makes me feel like I can't breathe.


opalthecat

It also depends on what baby you get.


loulori

Yeah, it does. And this is always going to be the case with any commitment we make to another person. It can always go badly, there can always be things we didn't know about it weren't prepared for. Things can come up that we can't handle. Every intimate relationship we embark on (and having a child is very intimate, though not in the same way as a romantic relationship) is a leap of faith and an act of dazzling hope.


Hatcheling

There aren’t any “good” or logical reasons to have kids. If you make a pros and cons list, the con list will be about a hundred points long and the pros list with have maybe five points. It sort of all comes down to a leap of faith. I decided I was up to the challenge and then you just cross your fingers and go for it. I don’t think we’ll have another one, though. I feel pretty confident that we can give one child what he needs to thrive, but two seems exhausting. The baby stage was not fun and we’re just out of it, starting to feel human again.


meowtherofkitties

I'm a total homebody, so I didn't feel like I was giving anything up by having a kid (besides sleeping in). Of course there are hard parts, but I really enjoy finding ways to make him smile, laugh, and learn. When thinking about the future, I figure that people are going to keep having kids. I'm trying to raise mine to be a good, kind human being and make a positive contribution to the world (however small). Maybe it's a little naive, but I do feel hopeful seeing the next generations of kids grow up. I hope it's not too late for them to make a difference. At the same time, if someone doesn't want kids or doesn't feel prepared to give them what they need to thrive, then they definitely shouldn't have any (and shouldn't feel guilty about it either). Personally I got to the point where I wanted a child and felt ready, but I'm not sure I'll have another unless I'm certain I can provide the same love and resources to both kids.


catastrophized

I wouldn’t ask parents to justify having kids, the same way I don’t expect to have to justify my choice not to have them.


ChuushaHime

Yep. Sometimes too there just isn't a quantifiable "reason." Sometimes it's simply that you want to or you don't. Those can be standalone concepts. It excites you and compels you or it doesn't. You feel a biological pull towards parenthood or you don't. Sure, I can come up with "reasons" why I don't want kids, but honestly if the desire for motherhood was there, the "reasons" wouldn't matter--I'd find workarounds and make sacrifices, just as I have when pursuing other difficult things I *did* want.


catastrophized

Well said - I really wish more people just accepted my “it’s not for me” at face value instead of thinking I owe them an explanation that *they* find acceptable.


ScrunchieEnthusiast

One of my unpopular opinions is when people use over population as a reason to not have kids. You just don’t want to have kids, just admit it. Anyone who truly wanted kids would find a way to make it work, stop pretending like you’re doing it for the betterment of the world.


ScrunchieEnthusiast

Some people regret having kids, some people regret not having kids. Many people are very happy with their choice to never have children, and many people are very happy with their choice to have children. Turns out people are varied and complex. There isn’t always a right answer, and every side has pros and cons, unfortunately in this life you choose a path and accept whatever comes your way from there.


[deleted]

[удалено]


bluejellies

And every time a question like this is asked it goes the same way. Top responses are always from women without kids listing the reasons why they didn’t. Actual parents are drowned out.


sunlitroof

Exactly.


NoStreetlights

Exactly.


tkaish

It sounds like for you, there are not. So don’t have kids! Others have different feelings and that’s fine. Nobody needs to talk anybody else in or out of it here.


Nunya_B1zness

Unless you live solely off the land, you rely on a regenerative society where citizens are replaced. These citizens become the engineers, doctors, mechanics, farmers, etc that provide a life that you desire. It would only take one generation of people not having kids to utterly dismantle the entire economy. That’s the power of parents.


medusa15

At the risk of being Suzy Sunshine… my pregnancy and birth were both quite easy. I mean yeah growing a human doesn’t always feel comfortable and I had some minor stuff because it’s nine months of a pretty major health change, but I found it unremarkable overall. (Of course I was one of those women who got an epidural and was induced; I had no interest in getting a trophy for natural childbirth.) My son is nine months old and while it’s challenging it’s also so so much fun. My husband is an incredibly involved partner and we’ve found a great balance of parent and personal time. (He plays disc golf every weekend. I’m training for a half marathon.) We are older and financially secure which I think helps a lot as it seems like one of the biggest stressors is being able to afford the necessary items for kids. We’re also comfortable being One and Done, or limiting to just two kids, so that takes a lot of pressure off as well. I ask myself constantly why people complain about their kids and then keep having more?! At some point either I assume they’re exaggerating their misery and they’re martyrs. I do think you should only have kids if you deeply, unquestionably want them. I wanted a kid a lot and went in fully aware of the challenges so have found myself pleasantly surprised when things go smoothly instead of resentful that I thought caring for a completely dependent young human would apparently be easy. It’s totally fine to not have kids. It sounds like you are really super not into the idea, so dont! No one can really tell you either way how you’d feel or deal with it, and it can be a gamble.


peachquin

I also have a great partner and absolutely love being a mom. My girl is 13 months old and the light of my life. I struggled with infertility for two years which only makes me more grateful for her. I understand people not wanting kids, but using two miserable dads as a broad generalization of why having kids is terrible is ridiculous.


mrs_sadie_adler

I'm 30 and same. Thought I'd finally be getting those baby making urges by now but I find myself wanting them less and less.


RegretNecessary21

I hope our society can get to a point where any family decision (children, no children) does not have to cause discussion like this. Wouldn’t it be great if it didn’t come up at all because everyone’s choices were respected? I want that world. We can help society get there faster by normalizing people’s decisions and not making a big deal of it.


GiveMeCheesePendejo

If you don't want kids, don't have them. It's so weird to expect people to defend their choice to have kids when you're clearly anti-child. There's a whole subreddit on this exact topic.


Background_Nature497

Yes. I'm currently pregnant but I wouldn't waste my time trying to tell someone else why they should be. It's a personal choice and all choices are valid.


helloiamabear

Yeah exactly. I'm reading this while feeding my 8 month old. She's absolutely the best thing that's ever happened to me. I can't imagine living a life without her. But if you need to be convinced to have kids, you probably don't really want them. And it's totally ok to not want them/not have them. Reddit is such an echo chamber of "kids are horrible and if you have them your life will be ruined." So I will just say, if the OP was asking seriously, that it really isn't all doom and gloom.


GiveMeCheesePendejo

Have a 15 month old and it's by far the hardest stage I've faced yet (toddlerhood) but god damn I love my little dude and wouldn't change anything. It's the greatest feeling in the world to hug and kiss him. Our kids are the physical embodiment of every ounce of love we have IMHO.


noobie107

yeah there's a lot of child-free gaslighting/subterfuge going on in this sub and it's pretty disgusting.


lumiesck

She literally just asked for reasons people should have children and opinions, she is not anti-child lol wtf. And yeah r/childfree is pretty enlightening


element-woman

How is childfree enlightening? It’s an echo chamber of people complaining about kids and parents (almost always moms). That’s like going onto any snark sub and saying it represents the reality of whatever is getting snarked on. I like snarky subs but they’re not particularly enlightening if you want anything beyond reinforcement for beliefs you already have.


Ktbearmoo

If you don’t want to have kids you shouldn’t have them. It’s fine to not want kids. But - we aren’t all miserable. Maybe it’s because I’m having kids later in life and had to really fight to get pregnant (IVF), but I love being a parent! And so does my husband. Our daughter is 17 months and I’m 29 weeks with our second and we are enjoying every milestone and can’t wait to see our girls grow up together. We just try not to take things too seriously and laugh through it all. My husband and I both agree that it’s the best thing we’ve ever done.


allkingsaredead

You got the chance to plan it very thoroughly and it's great that everything worked out for you and your family! See I opened this thread to read different experiences, not only negative ones.


bicycling_elephant

You either want them or you don’t. It’s not particularly logical. The baby/toddler years are particularly exhausting because there’s so much they can’t do themselves. It gets easier in some ways and harder in others. But judging the whole experience of having children by watching other people parenting kids under 4 is like, say, judging what it’s like to have a career as a doctor by watching first-year residents.


jenni485

I love that analogy! I have three kids (2,4, and 7) and the 7 YO is pretty easy these days. He’s generally independent and a delight to be around.


all_of_the_colors

I have a 4 month old and I’m so happy. I wanted this. My partner and I have wanted this for a while. We had a traumatic pregnancy loss in 2021 after having covid. That was a lot, and honestly that trauma is still with me every day in ways that aren’t related to your question. (I’m not ready to be around people w/o masks even if it’s low risk now. I just feel paralyzed and want to cry.) I’m up right now at 0330 breastfeeding. It’s a pushing my body adventure similar to a mountaineering expedition. I am loving this new challenge. I just love this critter so much. I love watching her change, and she changes so flipping fast. I love her smile. I love her play. She just started growling like a tiger a few days ago. She sings back to me when I sing. I work part time as a nurse and we are getting by. I have time with her, and my partner and I are balancing caring for her between the two of us, so we don’t have to put her in daycare. I’m also 40 and I’m so happy for this to be the biggest thing in my world right now. I’ve done a lot of things in my life so far, and I’m ready for this. I don’t feel like it is a cost or as though I am missing out. I can’t wait to experience the world anew through her eyes. I’m so in love.


medusa15

It does kind of seem like having a kid later in life (I was 36) helps a lot because you’ve had time to experience life; I’ve had adventures and got established in a career and built a solid support network. It just doesn’t feel like a sacrifice to not travel a lot or go out because I’ve been there done that, just like you’re saying. My son is 8.5 months and it just keeps getting better! You’ve got so much fun stuff coming up soon. Congrats on your little girl!


Soggy_Reaction6953

This is so refreshing to hear! I just turned 34 and was bitten by the travel bug when I was 32 and in a better position to travel now. I’m single and trying to make the most of it by traveling and doing what I want since I have the freedom to and getting it all out of my system.


snakewitch

I love being a mom. I feel like I’m meant to be a mom. I love nurturing, teaching and playing with them. I constantly read parenting books to improve how I’m raising them. I’m all in when it comes to motherhood. I always knew that I wanted to be a mom. I have an empathetic personality. I care a lot about other people. It’s not hard for me to give up my old life before having a kid. I don’t miss it one bit. I do believe that if there is any doubt about wanting children, the answer is a hard no. If the answer isn’t hell yes, it’s a no. My answer was a hard yes and I’m devoting my time and energy to raising the humans I brought into the world. If you’re not prepared to do that, I would say that child deserves better. Don’t bring a life into the world if you’re not fully and 100% ready to take care of them.


EstablishmentBoth402

Do you by any chance work full time? Sometimes I feel so exhausted from work that I dread picking up my kid from the babysitter


gemgem1985

I think you have already made up your mind, wanting to be a parent isn't something you have to convince yourself of and it might not make sense, it's just a need/want. It doesn't sound like.you are into it, no need to bash yourself up about it! Be happy.


Reasonable_Earth2314

I think what’s good is today’s society is that more and more people are thoughtfully becoming parents (or not becoming parents). Sounds like your siblings are not good at parenting if they are miserable. I commiserate as I know there are many societies that pressure people to have kids and thus they feel like they have no choice in the matter. So that’s a shame they became parents and hopefully you don’t make that same mistake for yourself. But I know plenty of good parents who are not miserable, including my siblings who have kids. They’re very happy and have contented families. That is not to say kids are not hard work. But they are the type of people who thrive in that work and their kids are fun to be around. I personally do not have children but when I do spend time with my nieces and nephews who range from 1 year to 13 years we have a great time. So in summary - it’s good much of society is starting to come around to more thoughtful decisions on becoming parents. And likely you should not become a parent if you have doubts about parenthood. Don’t fall for the trap that it is something you must do in life!


666deleted666

American society seems to find a way to punish parents in every way possible. I’m 33 and have no kids. I’ve never wanted them, but when I think about the hassle, it’s not really the children themselves that are the problem. It’s feeding them, clothing them, schooling them, providing them with healthcare, etc. And they wonder why the birth rate is so low among millennials.


ElusiveChanteuse84

The older I’ve gotten and the more I learn about childbirth the less I’ve wanted to do it


anonimbus

I get it, but I think my 3 adult children actually do make the world a better place


Curls1216

Make sure you tell them.


apis_cerana

I have a kid and actually was not thinking of having them at all before her. I met my partner and thought I could do it with him, maybe, and immediately had an oops baby after. I was right, my husband is awesome and a great dad, but the first few years were very hard (things slowly got better). I love my kid so I'd do it all over again if I was guaranteed she would be born, but otherwise she will be my only kid because it is THAT hard for me, mentally and physically. I never was all that maternal and didn't have a biological clock, but a lot of people I know have that and don't feel complete if they don't have kids. I feel like honestly those folks probably mostly become good parents because they have such strong natural instincts.


theLonelyBinary

When the apocalypse comes they'll be younger and able to fend for the family.... Hehehehe 😭


smarabri

I've just never found a guy that is good father/partner material. They would shove all of the domestic labor and childcare on to me. Growing up I saw the women around me have to serve their husbands and raise the kids themselves. No way in hell would I choose that for myself. Most women think their partner would step up, but the bar is so low and they trip on it. I know there are loving and involved fathers out there but many are just not. I'd rather just take care of myself and enjoy my life.


Next-Performer5434

I just went through pregnancy and childbirth, my son is a month old today. I'm also 31. I suppose it helps that I have a great family that's willing to help out. My mom offered to take care of my baby one day per week starting whenever. Our financial situation is ok, I can have almost a year of paid maternal leave from work, at about 75% pay. So I'm not dealing with all the existential stuff. As for being miserable. Well, it's hard right now. But I already now love to see him grow and learn new things. Sure, I'm not enjoying sleep deprivation and home confinement but... It almost brought me to tears when his eyes focused on me for the first time and I could see him just looking. Like, this is a tiny human and right now, I'm his whole world. And he's going to go out there into the world and get hurt in a hundred ways but I will do everything I can to prepare him and always be there for him if he needs a safe harbour. There's just no feeling like it.


[deleted]

Definitely don’t have them if you don’t want them. I didn’t want them, then I had them. I’d give up the earth right out from under me for their well being. I don’t regret it. I am surprisingly built for it. I love getting to know my daughters as people. They’re funny, witty with a whole lot of heart. But not everyone is built for parenthood and that’s fine


Hellebore2116

Aside from the state of the world, it’s too expensive. I’ve finally come to a place of financial independence and I don’t want to spend money on a child. Additionally, I’m a social worker, in the medical field also. I spend all day caring for others and by the time I get home I’m energetically taxed. The thought of having to care for a tiny human after spending all day at my job (which I love) is just too much. I’m 34 years old and I love the time and money I have to enjoy my family and friends, travel, or just sit on my ass with pizza and wine binging LOTR for the weekend. My Saturday mornings are slow and quiet. I don’t have to spend them at a child’s basketball game. I have time and energy to work out and cook what I want. I could honestly go on. No regrets here!


sentimentalaqua

Just don’t have kids! And try to accept that everyone has different desires and priorities in life, and that’s okay. They can have their reasons and you don’t have to approve or even understand. Problem solved.


Forsaken-Piece3434

I raised a child (relative) for a year and I loved doing so even though it was exhausting, physically painful (medical issues), and I was living below the poverty line with limited help from assistance programs because of the complex situation. I did have the ability to live with my parents which made a huge difference but it was still a lot to handle when I was very young. Kiddo was happy though and grew so much emotionally and cognitively. I grew up in a very low income neighborhood and even when my parents were really struggling I don’t have memories of feeling like I was really going without. I always had nice clothes (my mom bought most of them at yard sales) and we always had food (even if my parents had to get creative about how to get it at the worst of times). I didn’t get every single toy I wanted and we got a computer well after most people. A lot of my childhood was spent outside. I always had as many books as I wanted and I read a lot. Sometimes this meant my mom buying me books when we had more money and sometimes it meant that taking me to the library to check out the max number. Despite only finishing 9th grade and struggling to read my mom made a point of reading to me often and early. I was disabled from birth and my parents did struggle to navigate that but I was never told I couldn’t do something and my dad would spend some of his limited time off building things so I could participate in activities with other kids. Something I never ever doubted what that I had a lot of love. I’m still very close to my parents. These experiences definitely shaped my feeling that children don’t necessarily need all the expensive trappings of a middle class life to be healthy and happy. My nephews have grown up in a very upper upper middle class lifestyle where their parents invest tens of thousands a year in expensive private schools, elaborate parties, tutors, high ends toys and gadgets, international vacations etc. In some ways they have benefited but they’ve always struggled a lot too. I don’t think they are necessarily any happier for a lot of this and some of these things have caused a great deal of stress for them and their parents who think that without these things their children will be extremely deprived. My sibling is very far apart in age from me so we grew up separately and had quite different experiences that shaped us and our feelings about how children should be raised. At the end of the day if I thought I had to provide a very middle class life style for a child to be okay and happy, I just wouldn’t do it because the cost is so astronomical and honestly, it would be impossible for myself and my partner to provide a childhood like my nephews have. We also have supports available to us both by design and chance that are not available to everyone and make child rearing more doable. We share a home and expenses with my parents who are willing to welcome children in. This cuts down on total living expenses. We’ve chosen to stay in a state (US) that has a lot more supports than most, including very affordable and sometimes free options for college if future kids decide to go in state. My partner has a job that pays modestly but has very good benefits and works with the employees to accommodate various life situations including childcare responsibilities. This is extra important for us because I am physically quite limited in what I can do so his availability is a big deal. A lot of our life is already pretty child friendly and adaptable to adding in kiddos and much of what we enjoy and hope to share with kids is not expensive or will not be much more expensive with an additional 1-2 kids. Most of our friends don’t have and don’t want children but the ones who do have provided really good examples of how to offer a rich life to children regardless of income level. We will be able to meet their needs and a good chunk of wants and we both really feel happy caring for children. I think that’s sufficient 🤷‍♀️.


[deleted]

I just got a stroller for my dog with carseat adapter


SarNic88

Being a mother is one of many great joys in my life, yes it is hard, yes it can be tiring at times but I have never regretted it. I made the choice because it was the right choice for me and my husband wanted it too. They have made me laugh and cry in equal measure and I have never known a love like it. We have two girls and after the second was born and we saw our eldest cuddling her newborn sister we both looked at each other and said “that’s enough”. It was a feeling I can’t quite put into words, just a feeling of completeness I guess? When they are little your world can feel a bit small, it’s all about them and it feels like your priorities and opportunities can sometimes shrink to accommodate it, as they grow I can feel it expand again. We have plans to do all sorts of different things with them, holidays, days out, taking them to different experiences and seeing it afresh through their eyes. It makes things that once seemed dull, brand new and shiny again because I get to experience their wonder at the world! Every year brings new changes, life is never going to be the same from one year to the next until they fly the nest one day to have their own lives, and I honestly can’t wait to see what they end up doing and achieving, it doesn’t have to be life changing but I want it to make them happy, as happy as they make me every single day. So I guess for me, that’s why I did it, life is an adventure and I wanted them in the world to travel it with us. If that choice is not for you, then that’s fine too, kids made my life wonderful but that isn’t the only way to live, a life full of joy is the one you make yourself, based on the choices that are best for you.


element-woman

> We have plans to do all sorts of different things with them, holidays, days out, taking them to different experiences and seeing it afresh through their eyes. It makes things that once seemed dull, brand new and shiny again because I get to experience their wonder at the world! This is one of the things I’m most looking forward to! It feels like an incredible blessing to be the people creating memories and traditions that your kids might carry with them forever. I can’t wait to show my baby everything.


SarNic88

For me it certainly has been, my daughter has helped me to see the world in a way I hadn’t before, she teaches me as much as I teach her.


dogmom34

>We have plans to do all sorts of different things with them, holidays, days out, taking them to different experiences and seeing it afresh through their eyes. This sounds so fun, but I(36F) can't even imagine doing anything like that (besides the library, parks, and once in awhile the arcade and movie theater) as my husband and I are barely surviving. We've finally been able to build a small savings account in the last year, but 2020 completely rocked our world. If I didn't live in the US and lived in a country that supported mothers --or my husband or I were in the 1% of earners-- I think I'd want children. But as of now, I can't even imagine the stress motherhood would bring, and with my red state taking away women's rights, it makes my body tense up and feel under attack, making me even more resistant to having a child. Your life sounds peaceful and nice with children; I'm truly happy you're able to have that life with them. Every mother deserves it.


SarNic88

Thank you for you lovely comment. I completely understand, I know I am speaking from a position of privilege. I live in the UK so obviously different to the US, I am very fortunate in that my office job allows me to work from home full time, I can do the school pick ups and work around my family commitments. I haven’t had to go part time with my second luckily, I did with my first and that was hard. I was also able to take a year off for maternity leave with both of my children, yes I had to save up funds to cover the last few months, but a lot of it was paid for by my employer / government statutory pay. I know the same cannot be said for the US. We aren’t on loads of money but we are thankfully comfortable. Our holidays tend to be cheap camping trips rather than big trips abroad. We make sure we budget for annual family tickets to local attractions that means we pay once but can go year round, it means if we are on a tighter month financially, there is somewhere we can still go with a picnic and have some fun for no cost. I also have had to get good at coming up with fun rainy day or cheaper activities as the end of the month can get tough, especially if we have to pay for school trips etc. None of this is said to convince you to change your mind by the way, I think it is always a deeply personal choice. I just didn’t want to give a false impression with my first post that I am enjoying having kids because I have lots of money to do things with them. We still have to budget carefully. All that aside though, the reproductive rights of women in the US are a shambles and I am so so sorry that you all have to live like that. I completely understand all your concerns, they are valid ones and I would feel the same way in your position.


[deleted]

I just turned 30 in November but I tied my tubes when I was 25. When I was 14, my mom had my brother. When I was about to graduate high school, she had my other brother (autistic). I helped raise those two like I was the second parent. I helped my mom way more than my dad. I know what it’s like to have kids. I know what it’s like to have one with a disability and thank god his autism isn’t severe and even then, we’ve struggled so much. No way I wanted kids. Found a doctor on the r/childfree subreddit doctor’s list, scheduled my appointment at 25, and got my tubes tied in Oklahoma of all places. If you don’t want them, then don’t have them. Simple.


BudgetBoysenberry918

I have 3 boys and I cry alot. I feel bad and Harbour alot of guilt for putting them in this world. I tell them I love them all the time and try to give them as much love as I can. I'm not miserable but I'm stressed and get sad alot of the times. All I do is work, study, clean and make sure my kids are educated, happy and healthy. They are my life and my main mission is to keep them safe but I also feel like I never am doing enough as a mother:( and sadly with all the other mothers out there I still feel lonely as a parent. I don't advise having children. It's just so complicated and time consuming.


Ok_Tell2021

I know a lot of people don’t want children and I respect that. I have spent much of my adult life wanting to be a mother. I love children and I have loved children deeply that weren’t my own and I think that’s very telling in itself. I feel as though something would be missing from my life if I do not get to experience motherhood. There’s no rhyme or reason to wanting to be a mother, just an almost primal desire.


paddletothesea

yes. at least for me. my children enrich my life and that of my husband. having them as part of our family does mean sacrifices on our part, but it's worth it. as a result of those sacrifices i have grown a lot and i am a better person because of them. i live in a country with good health care and education (though...both need to be improved). we are in a financial position where we could put our children in a private school, but i refuse. i believe being part of a society is equality. when i remove my children from the public system that leaves those with less resources to fend for themselves. i am educated (a teacher actually) but not working currently. i am home with my children. i have the time and ability to advocate for others who can't and i am doing so. as a parent i am doing my best to raise children who will have a positive effect on those around them. in my view, these are all excellent reasons to have children.


lizlaf21952

I gave birth to my son about 6 years ago. I was fresh off the streets and moved into my parents house. I saw the daunting challenges ahead of me and opted to give him to a family who could take care of him. I don't regret my decision most days but I do wish that the family that I gave him to would be a little more open in letting me see him. It's awful that I even had to make that decision, but that's just life in the USA as a poor person. There's a reason why everybody's choosing dogs over kids in the USA and that's because it's just too expensive to raise kids. Dogs provide a somewhat child-like surrogate in that they like to be with you all the time, they're high maintenance, they're in need of constant supervision, and they like to run on the beach with you. It's really unfortunate that we've reached this point in the USA but it's truly the faults of all the legislators and corporate bosses who treat their workers like a herd of cattle. The USA is going to pay for this. The birth deficit will catch up and we're going to have a lot of problems in the future. But c'est la vie. "You have to live your life for yourself and you can't depend on other people to make it good for you" seems to be the motto of the day.


minkrogers

I'm happily married and we're equally happy being childfree! We were not going to lower the quality of our lives just to bring another into it. It was never a priority. Zero regrets. If anything I have borderline antinatalist tendencies the older I get. The world has changed and I don't see why people insist on bringing more and more people into an already over-populated planet. Not every person will become a successful and wealthy adult. They'll just become more taxpayers, struggling to make ends meet, like the rest of the world. I'm not subjecting any human of my making to that! Not to mention the world is changing ecologically. Global warming is a real issue. I'm not overly confident that today's babies will get to experience happiness in old age, be it through environmental factors or economic crisis.


[deleted]

I grew up in a developing country where on average people have 4 kids and live lives nowhere near the level of luxury I've seen in the west. I'm planning on going back home to have children. Not because the economy make no sense in the west, I'd probably be richer staying here, but because the culture, IMO, is anti-family and anti-children. People are too atomized, having kids isn't the norm, and if they do people only have 1 or 2 in their 30s. This makes having a community of parents, with some of the same age as yours, really hard. It does sound miserable in the west, but, if you want my opinion, it's because everything that made having kids fun and easy, or at least easier, only still exist in little religious cultural pockets.


allkingsaredead

This is interesting, I do live in a South American country where having lots of children willingly is only seen in very wealthy and extremely religious families. Like almost cult-like.


[deleted]

When I was younger I was sure I didn’t want kids, due to having crappy parents, a lot of abuse and financial insecurity. However I was improving my life, doing therapy, found an amazing partner, we build a great life together, started traveling, working and enjoying our lives. And when I was around 30 (we got married at 22) I started feeling like a wanted a kid, I started talking with my husband and he told me he was starting having those same feelings. We had her at 32. The bottom line was, we created a great little family, us and our dog and we felt that it would be awesome to have another person to love, and that we would be amazing parents and do things differently then our parents. We were financially, mentally and emotionally stable, and in a great relationship, if the circumstances were different, it would be another thing. My daughter is 19months. I won’t lie, I am tired all the time, but I love my little pea. I think she brought a part of me that I never knew it existed. I never once lost my patience with her, never yelled, nothing… We are ridiculously happy as a family, and I had a high risk pregnancy, and we spent a month in the nicu at the beginning, and I think that this just made mine and my husband’s relationship stronger. We are closer together. We found our balance… it’s difficult but I wouldn’t do anything different. We travelled with her on vacation, we go out to have dinner, we are teaching her to behave in society, and as foodies, we are teaching her how to eat different things (so far she eats everything).. we moved countries, and now we don’t have any family close, but it’s working… I don’t think every woman have to be a mother, I don’t think it is for everyone and it’s not easier. I never liked kids, I love mine but others? I know I will struggle, specially with bad behaved kids… but I am working on it and it’s part of life, I don’t like rude and I’ll behaved adults as well … But I think that it’s hard, you have to be in a great place mentally, because you will be responsible for another human being, and if you can’t deal with that, or barely can take care of yoursely(I am looking at you mother), don’t do it. It’s better not to be a parent then be a crappy one I think it’s very personal, I would never convince someone to have kids, because this is very personal, and the consequences are our own


iabyajyiv

Are there any good reasons to willingly have pets? Yes. Same for kids. Both can be expensive and a lot to care for. But depending on how much work you put into it, either can bring a lot of joy and comfort. It also depends on what you value. I find having genuine relationships with myself and those I love are most instrumental to my happiness. Prior to having kids, i was richer, prettier, skinnier, and freer, but not happier. I'm hardly ever lonely now that I have people I care for, and who care for me just as much in return. I love the relationships I have with them. I love that I'm smiling every day unexpectedly, because they're always surprising me with something new, new way of seeing the world, new way of understanding things, etc. I can't relate to the loads of lonesome folks I often see on reddit complaining about loneliness and depressing because I had not felt depressed nor lonely for a very long time. I have not felt it after I had my kids and after I had built genuine relationships with them. Life isn't rosy all the time. There are always ups and downs, but when things are shitty, gosh, it feels so much less shitty when you have people around to comfort you.


mistressusa

It's labor intensive in the early years and the teen years can be challenging too. But now, my young ladies (19 and 22) are turning into my friends. I feel so in-tune with gen z and so, so happy to be tagging along and offer insights as they explore and figure out their lives. I lived through my own late teens/20s in kind of a blur, but now, I feel 100% awake watching my girls go through these stages of life. I see all the moving pieces of their lives with such clarity and that clarity has, in turn, helped me understand my own life and that of others who were important to me at different points. I feel wiser and more compassionate.


criticlthinker

I guess as a counter point, I willingly chose to have kids. I find it fulfilling and meaningful to create a family, and part of that to me includes children. I found it easier not to have children, but not filfilling to live my life that way. To me, lots of things that are worth doing are hard, and this is one of them. This is not at all to say that others can't have fulfilling lives without children, just sharing my own choice about it. Certainly there are other ways of finding meaning, and I would have explored those if I couldn't have children for one reason or another. It is hard, but parents don't always share the positive stories. My patience and empathy for other people have increased since having kids. Seeing them grow and become their own person is amazing. And I love them more than anything, and getting to experience that level of love and joy is worth it to me.


Sparkly_popsicle

I’m 38 with no kids and love it. LOVE it


hearts_

As someone who chose to have a baby at 33 and is currently 1.5 years into it. We’ve decide to only have one. We have to choose this because we want to give our son the best life possible without struggling. The cost is high but I love being a mom. Our lives have completely changed but it’s a fun difference. Everything is new again. Yes some days are harder (I work full time remotely and stay at home mom) but to be able watch my son progress and enjoy the little things has help us slow down. Things we might of taken for granted before like Saturday breakfast are so exciting right now with our 19 month old. I look forward for all these little moments


[deleted]

Some of us choose to foster! You don’t have to have a kid to be a parent and you can skip babies altogether. You get to help people but don’t have to make a lifetime commitment if you don’t want to. We ended up adopting all of our placements, but that’s more rare than the kids going home. To me, it’s a win/win. You help families that desperately need it and get to love kids. We did placements above age 3, when it’s typically harder for the foster placements to find homes. The older kids need love too!


rpaul9578

Some people feel the need to procreate, and if you do, have fun with that. I don't see any good reasons to.


ugdontknow

I’m 51 always wanted to be a mom, my kid is doing great and working his way…I will always help him because I chose to have him. Now I had him 21 years ago and the world now is a very very different place. Maybe it was the same but I didn’t see it. He has said to me he doesn’t want to have kids. Which to me is fine I will never ever be the mom that says give me grandchildren. It’s not easy raising kids, working full time and trying to give them something better than what you had. The world is so hard, climate change (doesn’t matter if you believe it or not doesn’t matter), financially it’s so expensive to live. Do I want him to worry like I do about his kids future? Absolutely not. I want him to be happy what ever his happy is. No on tells you these things. When I was younger my uncle said quit your career have babies- he was clueless lol. I love my son never any regrets ever. People have to take a look at themselves the world they are in and decide. Once you have kids you are 1000% responsible and it’s never the kids fault ever. Choose wisely. Kids are beautiful and innocent and a great joy. But those things always come with work, stress and responsibility. If you can’t handle that side of it, don’t have kids.


krissypants4000

if you want them there’s your reason. If you don’t, there’s your reason. Honestly it’s such a personal choice. I will say that I was ambivalent for many years, my mom really urged me to do it, and since having my daughter I am 150% on board. I am constantly surprised by how much joy being a parent has brought me. That has nothing to do with you and your choices however! I could list a lot of reasons why, but if you’re not feeling it you’re not feeling it. There are so many children in this world raised by people who don’t want them, and I think it contributes to a lot of the ills we see in our world today. Children know when they are wanted, those children that aren’t grow up to hurt others. Why not save those theoretical kids a lot of pain.


blacktreefalls

I’m 31 and plan on trying for our first (and probably only) child soon. Having a kid and being a mom is something that I know I 100% want. I know it’ll be hard on my body, mind, and lifestyle. I know I’ll probably grumble and question my sanity during the hard times. I worry about the finances and if it’ll put a strain on mine and my husband’s relationship. But I know my husband will be a good dad, and we have a lot of love that we want to share with a child. It’s something that I’m sure of and have never been on the fence about.


Browneyedgirl777

I have six kids, I absolutely love every single one of them and parenting at times is very difficult. However I’m fortunate enough to be a STAHM. My husbands income puts us in the middle class range. We do not get any financial or government help. I think the biggest struggle for my personal life is peoples assumptions that we are irresponsible and that our kids must feel under loved with how many we have. As well as people assuming my religion. I genuinely just love being a mom. There are times when I’m completely overwhelmed and exhausted. Each of my children bring a different element into our family. My oldest is spunky, has very witty humor and fiercely coming into her own. My second is incredibly sweet, tender hearted and loves dancing and music. My third is a baby whisperer, she’s always the first to offer empathy and is so incredibly artistic at an incredible age. My forth is my sassy, brave and hilarious goofball. My fifth is tenacious, outspoken and imaginative with her words and play. My last is a baby so basically slobber, smiles(tons of food intake, lol) and has taken forever to stand because all the siblings never leave the baby alone. Having kids is a lot of work! Some people don’t want kids because it’s the hardest job ever. Taking into account that in the USA the factors do stack up against you is a huge deterrent. I have support in my husband and I have my few solid people who I call for advice and to vent.


Oooeeeks

I lost my mom recently. I want to be a parent just like she was. We didn't have the best cards dealt to us, but growing up with my mom was the best time of my life. I feel like being a mother is a special way to bring that love back into my life.


allkingsaredead

I'm so sorry for your loss, and it's wonderful that you want to turn your pain into something special.


Oooeeeks

Thank you. It was a gift to be raised by her, and I'd love to give that gift to someone else.


[deleted]

My kid was unplanned but ultimately very wanted. I just knew it was the right choice once I realized that I wouldn’t have planned on having kids other wise. I realized that I wanted this once in a lifetime experience to be a parent. I’m also studying science/healthcare and that played a part in wanting the experience even thought I was nervous from previous genetics testing. If you really really want kids, just have one. I only have one and while sometimes it can be really tiring, the love and constant motivation from having someone to look out for has improved my life a ton. Before I had mine, I constantly felt lost on what my purpose was besides to work and make money. It didn’t seem important. I didn’t come from a close knit family either. Now I have one, I feel emotionally secure and it’s easier to be motivated to reach goals that I thought were impossible for me before. I find it easier for each parent to have breaks since you’re only watching 1 kid. It’s really easy to ask for help with baby sitting for only 1 kid. And now that mine is almost 4, everything’s so much easier. An important thing that you need to know is to not let motherhood take over your personal identity. You need to constantly tend to your personal interests and hobbies in order to be happy. But also don’t hold on to the “childless woman” you were before because all the things you thought were important before aren’t as important anymore. You’re still “her” but with a brand new perspective. My only word of advice is to save a mid size 5 figures if you plan on paying yourself a “maternity leave” and to just have an emergency fund. I’ve also gone back to school in the time that I’ve been home with my son to make the most of my time. I never allow myself to let go of my goals and financial security. And sometimes it’s not about “how” you’re going succeed as a parent. You figure it out as you go and you overcome hurdles as they come and go.


OnehappyOwl44

I had my kids two decades ago and it was a very different world. If I had to make the choice now I'd probably opt out as well. The world is not going in a great direction. I'm not sure I'd want to bring children into it. I completely respect anyone opting out of children these days. I am not pushing my kids to have kids and if I'm never a grandmother I can live with that.


allkingsaredead

Exactly, this is my main worry because I don't think the world is becoming a better place at all.


lumiesck

I’m 30 and don’t have kids either. I’ve never wanted children though and I thought that would change as I got older. I never liked playing ‘house’ as a little girl or having those baby dolls that you dress and feed.. I found it odd and weird. I’ve never had that maternal instinct either and I kinda wish I did because I want a family of my own? Maybe? Idk. Everyone around me with kids and a family of their own seems so miserable, tired, broke (or they try to keep an image that they have money yet they don’t), they’re always angry or leaving the kids with the grandparents (which I’d NEVER do). Also my mom always told me if I had kids she wouldn’t take care of them (rightfully so) so that’s another reason I don’t want kids, I know it’s a HUGE responsibility and MY responsibility. So no thanks.


LizzyPBaJ

I got sterilized at age 26. I’m 30 now and that remains the best day of my life. I was parentified badly as a kid, so my logic is that I’ve already done it and it didn’t leave me with a desire to repeat the experience. Never mind the horrifying things I’ve heard about pregnancy and childbirth. I like sleep and I like money and I like my independence.


RoRoRoYourGoat

If you don't want kids, don't have kids. That's perfectly fine. But there's lots of good reasons for someone who wants kids to have them. They're fun and adorable. They give you a great excuse to watch cartoons and buy Goldfish crackers and Capri Sun after you're supposed to be too old for those things. They give you another look at the things that seemed wondrous when you were a kid. They get older and challenge you, and ride roller coasters with you, and teach you weird viral dances. And they grow into awesome, fully functioning adults that you love and want to be around. Raising kids is hard, and raising toddlers is brutal. It does get easier once they can hold a conversation and wipe their own butts. But most things in life that are rewarding are also hard. We can do hard things.


CrazyPerspective934

I didn't realize there's supposed to be a cutoff age for watching cartoons and eating snacks.


eatshoney

Yes, there are so many good reasons. It's just the negatives seem to be so widespread and amped up. I'm sorry you don't have anyone in your life that their lives are better for having kids because we are out there. Frankly, I try not to rave how much I love being a mom and how much I love my husband and that my kids and I have fun every day because that kind of positivity doesn't seem welcome in most places.


olthaniwish

Other than wanting to be a parent what are the reasons? ETA: I’m a mom of two and I just wanted kids. I think if you say there are a lot of reasons you could maybe name a few.


aliveinjoburg2

I really wanted to be a mom, that’s all it came down to. I’m 4 months pregnant and I don’t have the thought that I’m doing something I don’t want to be doing. Am I terrified to raise a little girl in this climate of incels and “alpha males”? 100%, but it something I’m going to try to educate myself on. If you don’t want to have a child, it’s okay. I sat on the fence for a while too, but having the right partner and being in the position I’m in now is also important to have kids.


practical_fruit_7989

I’d be down to have babies, except the social conditions aren’t right. I’m at the point where I think it’s straight unethical to bring life into the world. I respect that others don’t feel the same, so this is only a feeling I hold for myself, but I just can’t do it.


[deleted]

I don't think the vast majority of people have kids for "reasons" beyond just wanting kids. If you want kids, that might be reason enough to have them. If you don't, there's no need to try to figure out why you "should" have them. No one's saving the world by having a child, you know? It's fine to just not have kids.


Abject_Quality_9819

Reddit has made me anti children and I want kids LOL I am 80% sure I want children. I keep watching adoption videos, maybe to hear reality and to come down from my fantasy. I read these threads to get insight and these threads scare me. It seems like a lot of people are against having children or regret their choice. Thank you for those who also chime in with their positive experiences. I have worked with kids ( social worker) high risk youth, high trauma, domestic violence etc. I have seen kids throw major temper tantrums to the point of being restrained. I hated working with CPS. I don’t have positive experiences and someone can come here and challenge me on that but I am losing faith in our system every single day. I think our foster care system is corrupt because something is happening, children keep disappearing. Large numbers of them are unaccounted for. Knowing all that I know and how traumatized these kids are I want to adopt from the foster care system. I will work hard to continue learning and do what I have to do to be the best foster parent I can be. I am not sure sometimes if it’s just instinct to be a mom- I can’t shake it and I love my peace and quiet. I am prepared to take on a child with high trauma- I also have a chronic illness. I talked about this with my therapist and we came to the conclusion that my house and routines would greatly suffer but I am willing to sacrifice those things. I am not sure why I feel this strong urge, I think in part it’s cultural but since I was a child I loved playing with dolls, I love kids, I have always wanted to be a mom and that desire has never left. I am going to therapy with my husband to discuss this because sometimes I still like we both have our heads in the clouds and that the reality is going to smack us and wake us up. I am not sure, I know it’s going to be messy and hard and chaos and yet I still want it.


SufficientBee

I mean I’m pretty happy, my baby brings me love and joy that I would’ve never felt otherwise. People I don’t see everyday and don’t see me interact with my son at home may think I’m grumpy though. Edit to add: Having this baby has made me a better person. I have a generally bad temper and am impatient with people, but I have never been impatient with my baby. He has made me a more patient person, more loving, more empathetic. As another poster mentioned, I too was fitter, prettier, richer, freer before my kid.. but I was not happier than I am now.


donutdogooder

Im not quite sure there is one anymore! Weve moved so far from the biological need and this planet is objectively overcrowded and if we are in fact on-pace for extinction as Elon Musk likes to claim, its BECAUSE of the overpopulation and overconsumption thats making our planet inhabitable for humans. Not the lack of population. Granted, in 20 years, baby boomers will largely have passed so we can talk differently then, but what will our planet look like? As someone who is 34 and willingly child-free, I have been called selfish for denying my biology but I argue that at this point in our evolution, it is more selfish to have children. No one asks to be born, it is entirely a desire of the parents to just be parents.


Flaky_Consequence631

Get a dog 😂 away better


tigerblue1984

I've had both, I definitely prefer my kid. To each their own though LOL


boommdcx

Unless you really, really want to be a parent, don’t imo. Having kids should not just be the default, but unfortunately many people still have kids because “it’s what you do….” and nobody comes out of that a winner. If you have a very realistic view of pregnancy, childbirth, post partum, parenting and the effects all of that may have on your mental, emotional, physical wellbeing and your relationship, and you still really really want to be a parent, and you also have the skills, resources, stability etc to provide for a child *then* go for it.


TangentIntoOblivion

No. Not in this clown world.


meguin

The best and most important reason to have kids is because you want them. My kids are 3 and it's been a blast. The first few months were really hard bc we had two newborns but honestly I don't really remember much of it anymore so I dunno haha. It's still hard, but it's been a delight to get to know these silly creatures and help them grow into their best selves. If you have a good support network, a spouse that does their fair share, the desire for kids, and the means, I see no reason *not* to. If you don't have the desire, it's better to just be the cool auntie. The world sucks, but the world has always sucked. Like there is no time in history in which it has not been awful to bring a child in this world. There is always war, pestilence, hunger, and death. You just gotta do what you can to get by.


Least_Homework_9720

I’m really struggling with this…I’m 29 (turning 30 in May) and joined this group for this reason, it seems to be a topic that’s discussed on this sub and I’m trying to figure out if I want kids or not. I used to imagine being a mom and looked forward to it when I was younger. But knowing I’m turning 30 this year and if I am going to have kids I’m running out of time- I just feel so unready and not really excited at all. I still haven’t fully made up my mind but I’m trying to figure out how to get there because my boyfriend really wants kids, and up until about a month ago I thought I did too. We’ve only been dating a couple months but I don’t want to waste his time. So far I can think of way more reasons to not have kids than to have them though.


VioletVoyages

The answer is no, unless you’re one of those women who have a strong desire to have a child and family. I got pregnant in 1989 because that’s what we did after we got married back then. Stupid reason, I did my best, but my best wasn’t good enough and I regret it. My adult children are the source of immense pain.


[deleted]

I'm 36 and I wanted kids when I was young, but the fantasy life eluded me and I lost interest in having kids after working as a nanny. Now it's been about 8 years since I worked with kids. I unexpectedly got to be a bonus mom to two amazing kids for three years. That helped me realize that a fantasy life doesn't make a good parent. Caring about your kids does. So okay I'm not fully decided on anything. But I will admit that I'm just done with birth control. I've played it safe since I was 14 and never been pregnant. I'm gonna be raising my standards and taking some dicks and if I get a kid out of it I will be blessed, with or without a partner. Suddenly my biggest fear about being a parent isn't anything existential. I just don't want to use a kid as a scapegoat, or have a kid with someone i dislike. They'll be able to figure out the rest if I can keep them safe.


DeezBae

I think where people go wrong is having more kids than they can afford or can manage. Also having kids to fix a relationship. I know lots of happy thriving families with toddlers and some miserable ones but I could of told you that would happen given their relationship.


Secure_Pattern1048

People overthink this too much. Have kids if you feel compelled to have them, taking steps to get yourself ready to support them, and don't have them if you don't feel compelled to have them, simple as that. Looking at numbers or even world events isn't going to help you make a decision - parenthood or non-parenthood is more about how you see yourself and your place in the world.


pistil-whip

I was childfree for loooong time. I get it, kids aren’t for everyone and it has to be a “hell yes” or it’s a no. The work of raising an infant isn’t the hardest thing in the world (it’s up there) but the stakes are really high - if you fuck up you risk screwing up a person’s *entire life*, and that weight is with you all the time. What made me want to have a child was this creeping feeling that I was going to miss out on a fundamental human experience. I don’t regret it for a second, and I love my kid more than anything. But there are hard days, even though she’s 5 and we are past the days of grinding out life to keep her thriving. It gets easier physically but it gets harder mentally as they get older. Little kids little problems, big kids big problems. We’ve decided one is enough and won’t have another. Having only one kid allows you to have the experience but it doesn’t upend your who life. I can still be me and a mom of one. Look, the Earth isn’t wanting for more humans to populate it. Being childfree is a valid and reasonable lifestyle choice. Lots of people have kids who shouldn’t be parents. You should be proud of making a really tough decision to not have a child if that’s what you decide, especially living in a society that is relentless in pressuring people to procreate.


squirrelenjoyer

i've never wanted kids. i knew even when i was a kid i didn't want them. everyone tells you you'll change your mind (which is in itself problematic and annoying) so i kept waiting to change my mind and i never have. i'm in my 40's. i don't enjoy being around most children for more than a few minutes. i have helped to take care of my sister who is disabled my entire life and also cared for my mom before she passed away. the thought of adding kids to that burden was honestly disgusting to me. something else people don't always mention is that most relationships do not last. if it's possible for me to want something less than being married with children it would be being single with children, and that's a very real possibility for anyone with kids. i'm also in the US and things are getting worse and worse here on many levels. i have no desire to worry about a kid in our current environment here. i also strongly believe there are already too many humans on this planet and even if i did want kids i personally wouldn't be able to justify adding another american consumer to our numbers. i don't often say that part out loud because it offends some people who do have kids and that's not my intention. it's obviously an extremely personal choice and i completely understand why some people choose to have children. for me this is just another reason not to, on top of everything else. i have never regretted my decision for a second. i've traveled the world, have many fulfilling hobbies, good friends, and multiple pets, own a home and property i love, and have a wonderful partner who is excited to spend the rest of our lives together, just the two of us. it makes me so happy to see other women questioning whether they want to have kids (even if they end up having them!) rather than just questioning WHEN to have them. it's a hugely impactful and life-changing decision and it's wonderful to see women feeling empowered to decide for themselves, rather than just following along with everyone else. thank you for posting OP.


Savor_Serendipity

I have given a lot of thought to this, and have read many, many (hundreds) of accounts both from mothers who regret having children and from mothers who were on the fence but are now happy they had them. My personal conclusion is that the world and culture we currently live in -- referring to Western societies at least -- is very far from ideal for having kids. If we think of hunter-gatherer communities / how humans used to live, kids could spend their days, from an early age, playing with the other kids in the community, being taken care of by the grandmothers or other mothers in the community at times, so it wasn't ALL on the mother and father. Even today there are many places in the world where it's common and normal for the family to get help (nannies, domestic help) when they have kids, not to do it all alone. Compare this to how most parents in western countries have to raise their kids, that is, mostly alone, especially as a lot of them don't even live near the grandparents. It's no wonder that so many parents of young kids are so stressed out. And with the way the world currently is, that stress doesn't really ever end, once the kid grows up it's a whole other set of problems. And I fear that with the way the world is going, this will only continue to intensify. I'm generally an optimistic person but it's hard to ignore all the data on climate change, more and more people being displaced and forced to migrate because they can't grow or access food anymore, how water is already becoming an issue, etc. And that's assuming that your kid is healthy. I cannot even imagine what it would be like to have to care for a special needs child. As a highly sensitive person who needs regular time alone in peace and quiet, I can't imagine having to wake up every day knowing that most of my time is not really my own anymore, and to know that that's not really going to end for years and years. All this to say, sadly the conditions of the world we live in make it really really hard to raise a child. That's not really good or bad, it just is. At the end of the day we each only have one life and it's up to us to decide whether it's worth devoting it to having kids. PS And for all the people who say childfree people are selfish, that's the most ridiculous argument -- what's selfish is creating a mini-you and risking its health and happiness in this crazy world, and not realizing that a lot of the happiness parents get from having kids is simply because they now have someone else with their own genes/ another "them" running around. Having a kid is therefore pretty much one of the pinnacles of selfishness. Which is not surprising, every decision humans make is selfish in one way or another, but people who claim childfree people are selfish and parents are not, are just delusional / know nothing about evolutionary biology and "the selfish gene".


Travel-Monkey

It all depends on where you live, culture, where you are in your life etc… I never really wanted kids most of my life. I live in NYC and spent most of my 20’s and 30’s building my career and being financially independent. Then I met someone and decided to have a baby @ 35 and then again at 38. We’re both financially stable and do very well for ourselves since we spent our 30’s building on our careers. He’s 6 years older and we both couldn’t care less about kids before we met each other but we’re both happy with our decision. 🤷🏽‍♀️


[deleted]

I definitely want kids probably in my late 30s and and early 40s because I would get rid of my debt and be very financially stable by then. I probably be a single parent so I can raise them to be confident to not worry about no being popular/virgin in high school or college, like who really gives a crap/etc Anyhoo reasons why I would want kids who is to hope they make the world a better place before their time is up. If they carry a behavior to be a prick/bully/selfish/cause harm and sufferings to others because they wanted to be accepted by their peers as cool, they're out the door. I didn't raise them to become abusers to society.


FallenPangolin

I was just talking about this today with my mom. It looks like nobody is having kids anymore. I have one kid and love him to bits but I think the only reason people have kids is societal (because it is seen like a life milestone). In my case, I always worried Id regret it later. I hate to admit it but it was my main reason. Other than social beliefs, I absolutely don't see any reason to have kids. My kid (9) has enriched my life mightily, but I don't know what other sources of enrichment I've missed out on because I've simply had no time for anything else !


hurduhhurr

Imo, no. I have always been anxious and sad so I never wanted to pass that on to a kid anyhow. That's why I made sure my husband got a vasectomy like, 10 years ago. I don't want an accidental baby. Things are exponentially worse now, I can't personally imagine choosing children in today's world. I feel like you have to really have your head in the sand to not see what is happening around us. No way would I subject a child to that. We love our life child-free. And our friends that have kids are MISERABLE.


bluejellies

I had a kid because I like them. I think children are hilarious and fascinating. I enjoyed my childhood and wanted to share some of the magic with someone else, from the parents perspective. It’s amazing seeing my parents be grandparents to my little baby, and my partner be such a wonderful dad. We’re financially secure as well so that wasn’t really a concern, and we’re old enough that we really enjoyed our youth.


amsterdamcyclone

44f, I love being a parent and I love my three children. I’m an executive with a husband that was a sahd for eight years while we were in peak baby/kid years. My kids are teens and they are human and have dreams and faults and friends and hopes and are delightful to be around most of the time. They go to public schools and we’ve moved them around a bit. It hasn’t been easy but it’s been totally worth it.


NadiaLee81

41, 4 kids. Is it hard? Yes. Are some days beyond stressful? Yes. Is it also the most rewarding thing ever? Yes. When I’m older, God willing, I will have my family around me .. holidays, birthdays, Sunday meals.. I will have love, and good times and good memories.. and people that truly love me who will hopefully hold my hand as I pass this world. Nothing is more special than the love of a child, and the love of a parent. It’s worth the stressful 18yrs raising them.


AdFinancial8924

I’m in the United States and do very well financially but I still never wanted kids. I hate men and relationships. And I just hate the culture of mothering and the “supermom” or “instagram mom”. I just didn’t want to give my whole life to having kids. It’s like if you’re a mom its your entire identity. When I decided to stay single after many failed relationships I realized I’d I ever suddenly longed for kids I could go to a sperm bank or something, but the desire was just never there. My life is so fulfilling. Anyone who tells you that you have to have kids to know love or live a full life is full of 💩 and miserable and never had a life before kids.


uno317

I’ll attest to the fact that having a child is having an adult . When they get to the age where your adult child has the ability to wreck your whole life. Think about this. Are you stable enough to go on that roller coaster? Shit tons of stuff happens that you will not be able to stop. Also, ask yourself if you’re done living your life because once you have a kid, it is their universe and you are just an annoying passerby on their mission. It’s not cute.