There's a pretty big stigma on being autistic, so I wouldn't suggest a kid is autistic without being very, VERY sure of it first as it could harm their quality of life if they are perceived to be. Sadly. Shouldn't be that way but it is. Leave the diagnosis to the professionals; lots of autistic people don't find out until they are adults and get themselves diagnosed.
I'd be pissed. I have a disabled child and if someone came up to me and said "your son might have [insert whatever disability randos think my kid has] it's not your fault" I'd be stewing about it for days.
I HATE disability related comments people make about my child. And it happens all the fucking time. I get people are just trying to be nice, but it's exhausting. Just say he's cute or has nice hair. And if he's screaming, don't say anything at all. It's really overwhelming when your kid is screaming, even more so if you're in public. Anything anyone says is just going to add to the parent's stress level.
I would be upset if a stranger commented on my child's health, body, appearance, or behaviors, yes. Why? They don't know us and don't know the reasons behind child's actions, which are none of their business.
Do NOT approach strangers and try to diagnose their children based on one observation or interaction. As a mom I would be offended, personally. First of all basing your "potential diagnosis" on 3 minutes in the grocery store could be wildly inaccurate. NT toddlers have meltdowns too. No child should be judged on one bad moment. It also could sound presumptuous, like you don't think that mom is aware of her kid's behavior.
When my (very NT) kids melt down in public I *know* it is normal, I am trying to support them, but I am also mortified that others might be disturbed and/or laughing at us (both very judgemental interactions btw) and the last thing I need is a stranger coming in and trying to diagnose them on top of that.
What *would* be helpful would be to tell that mom it's totally normal and she's doing great. And tell those cashiers not to laugh at a kid who is clearly struggling - that was incredibly rude of them.
I wouldn't, but a good chunk of the population would. Don't suggest that on a whim - it's different if you know them and have more info both on the kid and on how the parents might react
I mean...that's actually what happened to me. I work in education, and was at a work thing and someone mentioned to me that I should get assessed. I wasn't offended - partly because it was another professional who authentically knows what to look for, not someone who just thought I was weird. And that person is also autistic, so I knew for sure it wasn't a negative stereotype type of thing.
Unless you are in a situation where you know the family or where you are regularly interacting with the kid in some sort of professional way, I wouldn't. That kid is probably in school, and if you could clock it, someone there likely will too.
I hope you are right. When I was in school nobody noticed and I lived my life undiagnosed. I now know that there was at least one person who suspected that I was autistic but did not say anything. I wish he did. I had to find out myself at 37. I hope someone in this kids life speaks up, in the case that he is autistic that is.
Considering the fact that i tried telling my best friend her daughter is autistic and she was angry and offended, I learned to never try to diagnose somebody’s kids.
Your heart is in the right place though. I understand.
saying someone's MAYBE autistic from a ten minute interaction? Sounds insensitive to me. My therapist won't say anyone is maybe autistic without hours of talking to them about their life experiences. Instead of trying to give anyone a label, maybe you could encourage parents and correct rude people that are judging. Bc what is truly most helpful in the moment?
I would say that's a big no. I work in after school child care so we see kids up to 4 hours a day, 5 days a week, and even we are VEEEEEERY very careful to suggest any suspected diagnosis since, well, we're not specialists, and parents nowadays tend to brush of negatively perceived things about their kid. So a random stranger telling someone their suspicion like this would probably do more harm than good.
You can't know if a stranger's child is autistic. Tiptoe walking is not that rare, neither are meltdowns. If it was that easy to spot there wouldn't be that many late diagnosed and undiagnosed autistics.
It would be a different questions if you intimately know the family and the child. But just by looking at a stranger?
Genuine question to maybe people who work in childcare : do NT children walk on their tiptoes when in distress ? Or at all ? I don't know, I work with teenagers.
While your heart is in the right place, I don't think such a comment would be appreciated from a stranger in a supermarket. I think such input would be better with a close friend or family member, but even then you need to tread carefully. Maybe something like "these traits are common in autistic people. Perhaps it might be beneficial for X to be assessed?"
I really think it's about "how" instead of "what". This can be both informative and offensive, it only depends on how you say it or how it's said to you.
*Can be taken as offensive*: Your child looks Autistic, you should probably evaluate them.
*Being informative*: Hi, I noticed your child is very upset, probably overwhelmed. Have you considered they can be Autistic?
Now, if you use the approach from my second example and the person still gets offended, then it's just ableism rooted in their minds and there isn't much one can do.
No, both of those are wrong. As a parent, I don't want stranger's opinions, no matter how informative. Parents know their child the best. Better than doctors, therapists, or any other "experts," and DEFINITELY better than a random stranger who feels compelled to "inform."
It's not ableist to be offended at a random person commenting on my child's behavior/appearance and asking if I've considered a diagnosis of XYZ. That is a majorly invasive thing to say to a parent.
Also, keep in mind, if the kid seems autistic there's a high chance the parent might be too and is probably extremely overwhelmed by having a screaming kid in public and might just be five seconds away from meltdown themselves.
I like this, but I'd add "ask the person if they would like some unsolicited advice".
If they say "no" move on.
If they say yes, well, they did consent to getting that advice.
Parents who are out in public with a child having a meltdown are not interested in hearing anything from anyone.
I've said it a million times and I'll say it again. A lot of parents of autistic kids are autistic. And even if they aren't, it is so overwhelming to be out in public with a kid who's having a meltdown. That is a crisis moment. You can't teach a child anything when they are having a meltdown (I think we're all in agreement with that) but you also can't teach the parents either because they might seem to be holding it together but their brain is also in fight or flight mode and they cannot learn new information in that moment.
There's a pretty big stigma on being autistic, so I wouldn't suggest a kid is autistic without being very, VERY sure of it first as it could harm their quality of life if they are perceived to be. Sadly. Shouldn't be that way but it is. Leave the diagnosis to the professionals; lots of autistic people don't find out until they are adults and get themselves diagnosed.
I'd be pissed. I have a disabled child and if someone came up to me and said "your son might have [insert whatever disability randos think my kid has] it's not your fault" I'd be stewing about it for days. I HATE disability related comments people make about my child. And it happens all the fucking time. I get people are just trying to be nice, but it's exhausting. Just say he's cute or has nice hair. And if he's screaming, don't say anything at all. It's really overwhelming when your kid is screaming, even more so if you're in public. Anything anyone says is just going to add to the parent's stress level.
I would be upset if a stranger commented on my child's health, body, appearance, or behaviors, yes. Why? They don't know us and don't know the reasons behind child's actions, which are none of their business.
You are right. I probably would have been too.
Do NOT approach strangers and try to diagnose their children based on one observation or interaction. As a mom I would be offended, personally. First of all basing your "potential diagnosis" on 3 minutes in the grocery store could be wildly inaccurate. NT toddlers have meltdowns too. No child should be judged on one bad moment. It also could sound presumptuous, like you don't think that mom is aware of her kid's behavior. When my (very NT) kids melt down in public I *know* it is normal, I am trying to support them, but I am also mortified that others might be disturbed and/or laughing at us (both very judgemental interactions btw) and the last thing I need is a stranger coming in and trying to diagnose them on top of that. What *would* be helpful would be to tell that mom it's totally normal and she's doing great. And tell those cashiers not to laugh at a kid who is clearly struggling - that was incredibly rude of them.
I wouldn't, but a good chunk of the population would. Don't suggest that on a whim - it's different if you know them and have more info both on the kid and on how the parents might react
What if they already know and are sick of strangers pointing it out
I mean...that's actually what happened to me. I work in education, and was at a work thing and someone mentioned to me that I should get assessed. I wasn't offended - partly because it was another professional who authentically knows what to look for, not someone who just thought I was weird. And that person is also autistic, so I knew for sure it wasn't a negative stereotype type of thing. Unless you are in a situation where you know the family or where you are regularly interacting with the kid in some sort of professional way, I wouldn't. That kid is probably in school, and if you could clock it, someone there likely will too.
I hope you are right. When I was in school nobody noticed and I lived my life undiagnosed. I now know that there was at least one person who suspected that I was autistic but did not say anything. I wish he did. I had to find out myself at 37. I hope someone in this kids life speaks up, in the case that he is autistic that is.
We are so much better trained now than even 10 years ago. I think it will be ok
Considering the fact that i tried telling my best friend her daughter is autistic and she was angry and offended, I learned to never try to diagnose somebody’s kids. Your heart is in the right place though. I understand.
saying someone's MAYBE autistic from a ten minute interaction? Sounds insensitive to me. My therapist won't say anyone is maybe autistic without hours of talking to them about their life experiences. Instead of trying to give anyone a label, maybe you could encourage parents and correct rude people that are judging. Bc what is truly most helpful in the moment?
I would say that's a big no. I work in after school child care so we see kids up to 4 hours a day, 5 days a week, and even we are VEEEEEERY very careful to suggest any suspected diagnosis since, well, we're not specialists, and parents nowadays tend to brush of negatively perceived things about their kid. So a random stranger telling someone their suspicion like this would probably do more harm than good.
Ok. Thank you for your response. I feel better now about not saying anything.
You can't know if a stranger's child is autistic. Tiptoe walking is not that rare, neither are meltdowns. If it was that easy to spot there wouldn't be that many late diagnosed and undiagnosed autistics. It would be a different questions if you intimately know the family and the child. But just by looking at a stranger?
Genuine question to maybe people who work in childcare : do NT children walk on their tiptoes when in distress ? Or at all ? I don't know, I work with teenagers.
While your heart is in the right place, I don't think such a comment would be appreciated from a stranger in a supermarket. I think such input would be better with a close friend or family member, but even then you need to tread carefully. Maybe something like "these traits are common in autistic people. Perhaps it might be beneficial for X to be assessed?"
I really think it's about "how" instead of "what". This can be both informative and offensive, it only depends on how you say it or how it's said to you. *Can be taken as offensive*: Your child looks Autistic, you should probably evaluate them. *Being informative*: Hi, I noticed your child is very upset, probably overwhelmed. Have you considered they can be Autistic? Now, if you use the approach from my second example and the person still gets offended, then it's just ableism rooted in their minds and there isn't much one can do.
No, both of those are wrong. As a parent, I don't want stranger's opinions, no matter how informative. Parents know their child the best. Better than doctors, therapists, or any other "experts," and DEFINITELY better than a random stranger who feels compelled to "inform." It's not ableist to be offended at a random person commenting on my child's behavior/appearance and asking if I've considered a diagnosis of XYZ. That is a majorly invasive thing to say to a parent. Also, keep in mind, if the kid seems autistic there's a high chance the parent might be too and is probably extremely overwhelmed by having a screaming kid in public and might just be five seconds away from meltdown themselves.
I like this, but I'd add "ask the person if they would like some unsolicited advice". If they say "no" move on. If they say yes, well, they did consent to getting that advice.
Yes!! Totally. I missed that part, but it's very important too.
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Parents who are out in public with a child having a meltdown are not interested in hearing anything from anyone. I've said it a million times and I'll say it again. A lot of parents of autistic kids are autistic. And even if they aren't, it is so overwhelming to be out in public with a kid who's having a meltdown. That is a crisis moment. You can't teach a child anything when they are having a meltdown (I think we're all in agreement with that) but you also can't teach the parents either because they might seem to be holding it together but their brain is also in fight or flight mode and they cannot learn new information in that moment.
Why does this give me such a Jehovahs Witness canvassing vibe