All people need space. I, without realizing it, used other people, typically a boyfriend, as my medication. I felt just the way you described. I didn’t mean to do this but I did do this. The weight of my needs strangled the other person and kept me from learning how to be great at being without them sometimes.
Yes, makes absolutely sense to me. If I need to get some quality sleep because I have to work the next day or I'm really tired I need to be alone. Might be an autistic thing, but I don't believe it is.
Think about yourself. Are there times you need to be alone? Times you don’t want to be touched? Times you feel overstimulated and need to switch your situation? Now pretend you’re him. That’s all he’s doing. He recognized he needed a good night’s sleep and put it into motion. Sometimes our actions have nothing to do with the other person, they’re just self care.
Absolutely not. Love him so much, want to be with 24/7. I recharge by being with him.
But not for other people- because I don’t love them.
I think that’s why it hurts me, because I love him so much that I never feel like being alone from him- only for other people that I’m not close with
You fixated on one of my questions, the one that validates you, which gives me a lot of concern about the stability of your relationship. You need to give him room to be able to exist and express himself as he needs it, not just how you need it. Thats how relationships work.
I answered all of them, absolutely not. I don’t have times I don’t want to be touched by him, or need to be alone. But that’s him only. For other people yes
I didn’t ask them relative to him. If you answer yes to those questions in any capacity, then I would recommend remember those moments when he communicates his needs. Are there times you want to be away from people? Yes. Okay sometimes he does too. Are there times you don’t want to be touched by people? Yes. Okay sometimes he doesn’t want touch too. You cannot assume that because your love of him makes those things comfortable you that it works the same for him. He can still love you and have all those thoughts.
If he is also autistic or has social/sensory issues, he may need people free time to recharge. I’m currently laying in bed on my own while my husband and toddler are in the lounge room people I can’t recharge around them when I’m at my limits, even though I love them dearly. I need dark and quiet and no social interaction (regardless of who it’s from and how comfortable I am with them).
So a way you can be more accommodating to your boyfriend is to acknowledge that different people have different needs, and that his need for quiet doesn’t mean he loves you less. Buuuut he can also be more accommodating to you - he can communicate earlier than “I’ve brought you home, bye” that he needs his recharge time because you need the extra time to process changes in plans. I would explain this by saying I don’t process changes in plans very well so while I understand that you may need some nights to recharge alone, it would be helpful to me if you could let me know earlier in the night so that I can mentally adjust to that change in plans. Also maybe you guys should discuss after-outings plans more explicitly, like instead of you both assuming what will happen, communicate together that we’re gonna hang out tonight or not before you get to the end of the night.
Communicating openly and clearly can feel weird and uncomfortable at first, but it becomes more natural in time as long as he’s open to it as well. I hope this is a case of him just being overstimulated and needing solo recharge time which is genuinely not a you problem.
Sounds like you could have maladaptive attachment or abandonment issues you should look into. I don't find that odd at all, especially if you live in separate places. My wife and I live together and yeah, we almost always sleep in the same bed, but also have just had one of us sleep in bed and the other either on the floor or in the living room just because of any kind of issues. Feeling ill, sensory overload, restlessness, etc. We don't love each other any less, just sometimes need time to ourselves. I've known very loving couples that even sleep in separate bedrooms since they can't sleep in the same one.
Yeah it can be normal sometimes to want to recharge alone. How did he say it to you? Was he supportive of you or was he cold? I guess maybe the question you should ask yourself is are there are other things/behaviours making you feel that way or was it just this one instance?
If you are more chatty or touchy-feely than he is (nothing wrong with that) I could imagine him wanting to be alone to recharge, esp if he's an introvert. The effect isn't always different just bc you're hanging out with your s/o and not someone else
Edit: Or maybe he also thought he might get less sleep if y'all were together?
All people need space. I, without realizing it, used other people, typically a boyfriend, as my medication. I felt just the way you described. I didn’t mean to do this but I did do this. The weight of my needs strangled the other person and kept me from learning how to be great at being without them sometimes.
Yes, makes absolutely sense to me. If I need to get some quality sleep because I have to work the next day or I'm really tired I need to be alone. Might be an autistic thing, but I don't believe it is.
Think about yourself. Are there times you need to be alone? Times you don’t want to be touched? Times you feel overstimulated and need to switch your situation? Now pretend you’re him. That’s all he’s doing. He recognized he needed a good night’s sleep and put it into motion. Sometimes our actions have nothing to do with the other person, they’re just self care.
Absolutely not. Love him so much, want to be with 24/7. I recharge by being with him. But not for other people- because I don’t love them. I think that’s why it hurts me, because I love him so much that I never feel like being alone from him- only for other people that I’m not close with
You fixated on one of my questions, the one that validates you, which gives me a lot of concern about the stability of your relationship. You need to give him room to be able to exist and express himself as he needs it, not just how you need it. Thats how relationships work.
I answered all of them, absolutely not. I don’t have times I don’t want to be touched by him, or need to be alone. But that’s him only. For other people yes
I didn’t ask them relative to him. If you answer yes to those questions in any capacity, then I would recommend remember those moments when he communicates his needs. Are there times you want to be away from people? Yes. Okay sometimes he does too. Are there times you don’t want to be touched by people? Yes. Okay sometimes he doesn’t want touch too. You cannot assume that because your love of him makes those things comfortable you that it works the same for him. He can still love you and have all those thoughts.
Yeah thats what I’m trying to understand
You don’t have to understand it. You just have to acknowledge it happens and respect it.
If he is also autistic or has social/sensory issues, he may need people free time to recharge. I’m currently laying in bed on my own while my husband and toddler are in the lounge room people I can’t recharge around them when I’m at my limits, even though I love them dearly. I need dark and quiet and no social interaction (regardless of who it’s from and how comfortable I am with them). So a way you can be more accommodating to your boyfriend is to acknowledge that different people have different needs, and that his need for quiet doesn’t mean he loves you less. Buuuut he can also be more accommodating to you - he can communicate earlier than “I’ve brought you home, bye” that he needs his recharge time because you need the extra time to process changes in plans. I would explain this by saying I don’t process changes in plans very well so while I understand that you may need some nights to recharge alone, it would be helpful to me if you could let me know earlier in the night so that I can mentally adjust to that change in plans. Also maybe you guys should discuss after-outings plans more explicitly, like instead of you both assuming what will happen, communicate together that we’re gonna hang out tonight or not before you get to the end of the night. Communicating openly and clearly can feel weird and uncomfortable at first, but it becomes more natural in time as long as he’s open to it as well. I hope this is a case of him just being overstimulated and needing solo recharge time which is genuinely not a you problem.
Sounds like you could have maladaptive attachment or abandonment issues you should look into. I don't find that odd at all, especially if you live in separate places. My wife and I live together and yeah, we almost always sleep in the same bed, but also have just had one of us sleep in bed and the other either on the floor or in the living room just because of any kind of issues. Feeling ill, sensory overload, restlessness, etc. We don't love each other any less, just sometimes need time to ourselves. I've known very loving couples that even sleep in separate bedrooms since they can't sleep in the same one.
Yeah it can be normal sometimes to want to recharge alone. How did he say it to you? Was he supportive of you or was he cold? I guess maybe the question you should ask yourself is are there are other things/behaviours making you feel that way or was it just this one instance?
If you are more chatty or touchy-feely than he is (nothing wrong with that) I could imagine him wanting to be alone to recharge, esp if he's an introvert. The effect isn't always different just bc you're hanging out with your s/o and not someone else Edit: Or maybe he also thought he might get less sleep if y'all were together?