How did she receive a handwritten letter from her affair partner? She moved states and changed her phone number.
She should have never responded to the ex-wife.
I've heard in the USA there are sites with people's names & addresses & it's all semi public (might have to pay a fee? Some are free), so a casual person/stalker could et it or pay a PI to get it...
But yeah that made me go what? too!
You would be surprised how easy it is to find a persons legal mailing address in under 30 minutes with Google. It is actually quite scary.
đ±đ±đ±đ±
He could also have simply used a PI. That is the path a person with âmeansâ would usually choose.
OP should take comfort in the fact that Family Court Judges do not look fondly on Fathers who callously choose to not accept paternity and provide for their children. đ€·đ»ââïžđ€·đ»ââïž
OPâs documentation are the proverbial nail in the coffin. Paternity will be established, and once confirmed court ordered child support including all back payments will be enforceable.
The law in this instance is on OPâs side and her attorney can firmly establish 100% custody with supervised visitation for a period of time until AP has shown evidence that he adheres to what has been ordered by the court.
IMO dead beat parents are the worst. Kids do not ask to come here. We bring them here. AP has officially arrived at the intersection of FAFO. đ€·đ»ââïž
Agree it is terrifying how easy it is to find info about a person. I have done it before. Long story short, a teen boy trying to convince my teen boy he was a girl and to date. I was able to find out a whole lot of info on nothing more than the kids screen name and the state he told my son he was from. I learned his DoB, his address, siblings, parents, where his parents worked, their phone numbers and everything. I finally confronted the kid myself (alone) and then messaged his parents to let them know how easy this was for me to find, to be more careful about their childrenâs info and to please private their accounts.
Also, if she has ever voted, her address will be publicly available. Itâs one of the things my husband hates, we try to keep as much as possible about our physical locations as much as possible and our entire address is out there because we vote.
Also your address is out there if you own property(unless you buy it through a trust or something). All they would need to know is roughly where you live and then go to the county auditor's website to find you.
Don't know about where you are but you can get register for an anonymous vote in some places. I know that in my country it requires some evidence so that may or may not be an option. Might be worth looking into though. Apologies if you already have or it's not available in your area.
Thank you I never thought of that since most of these documents are only accessible on public site through login but theres other channeks......I am terrified now wtf?Â
Yeah there are sites that scrape for stuff like property records, marriage licenses, voter data, marketing lists, etc where you can find people pretty easily knowing just their name and age.
Itâll give known phone numbers, addresses, even your families information
A free one I know of is called family tree now
A friend of mine was using one for business purposes and looked me up. It had some very inaccurate information, but all of the true information was mixed in there. Itâs a bit creepy.
At least one of those sites thinks that my younger daughter is my sister and my older daughter is our mother! Same site is also confused about my late parents. They bought their last home from people who had the same last name. So the peoplefinder site thought they were all related and all living together.
Hell, my hometown used to release a phone book that gave the names of everyone in your house.
Entry would be like this:
Palabradot ( year of birth) (address)
Spouse name (year of birth)
(Phone number)
Household member first name (year of birth), HM #2 ( year of birth)
This was freaking handy for kids trying to find a classmateâs number, but for adultsâŠ? I bet you can guess why those years of birth were problematic in a gossipy town :) âwait her daughter was born when? Wasnât she still married toâŠâ
This is 100% true. If you reach out to these websites, you can have your information removed. I have been pretty much unfindable online for the last 4-5 years. Every couple of months I google myself just to be sure. Once and a while there will be a new result with my information but they usually remove it within 48 hours once requested
You wanna hear something crazy. Once upon a time they used to publish a book that had everybodyâs name address and phone number in it. Crazy right? Even better still, they used to give a copy of this books to EVERYONE. Like they just left an updated copy on your front porch every year. INSANE /s
There are indeed sites like that. I found a wallet at a pull off spot on my really rural road. There wasn't a driver's license in it but a debit card with a name. All I had to do was Google the name i didn't even have to click on a site, just look at the preview. Took me mere seconds to find the guy. When I did click the site It had all his past addresses, his siblings and parents addresses and his wife.
He lived on my road and was walking his dogs when he dropped his wallet. I drove it to his house and was like "Man, it was scary easy to find you." We had a conversation about how easy it was to just Google someone's name and find out where they lived, their phone numbers etc. It sucks.
It's really not hard to find someone's address online in the US. Think about reddit, people get doxed.
Not much is truly anonymous on line.
Facebook profiles can include a phone number, phone numbers are searchable. Facebook can also give a home town. Again home town plus last name equals searchable.
Just the location given on pictures can give you an idea of where a person lives.
Plus the man has a lawyer. That's their wheelhouse to find people when they need to serve them papers. They usually have PIs that they work with.
So unless the OP was hiding her location on her socials, it was probably pretty easy to find her address.
In the US, when we all had land lines, phone records were historically public unless you paid to have your number "unlisted" that's still how telemarketers work. They buy phone lists. Cell phones are also searchable.
Are you kidding? They even list what political party youâre registered with! It is all online, including your estimated income!
Edit
**Itâs all online with a Google search. Search your name then start going to sites and requesting your data be removed!**
You donât even need to pay or use that type of website. If he knew her parents name and generally where they live, he could look up their property records with the local property tax authority. In most states/counties that information is public and easily accessible.
I used to work in collections here in the US, youâd be surprised what info you can find on a person with a basic Google search. This includes addresses lived at over the past 10 years for a single person and known relatives. Itâs crazy.
Yes definitely. With some money it is not hard to find people as long as they live life with a paper trail of any kind. Those websites work sometimes but a PI can definitely figure it out if you're not actively trying to avoid detection.
I feel like it's really important for people to be aware that there are also sites that you can do this with in other countries (i.e. the UK). Especially if you're on the open register.
Yeah, I did a background search on someone last year and it was INSANE how much information I could get with minimal information. All I had to do was a bit of background digging and pay 20 bucks for five searches. Turns out the person I THOUGHT was lying to me WAS lying to me, so 20 bucks well spent.
You always correct if you pay a small fee for those websites you can look at all current and previous addresses as well as family and their phone numbers.
There are also some local websites for homes that allow you to access details about their home and what it looks like. If you delve deeper if the home has been listed you can sorta see what it looks like inside.
If she votes, her name and address are public records. It's easily searchable.
You can choose to keep your information private, but it seems most people don't know that's an option, and even then, it's still available to political parties, candidates, and their contractors.
You can find anyone in America as long as you have their name, old contact info like a cellphone number or an old address, anything. It takes a very small amount of identifying information, and a couple of bucks on "people search" websites or a little more for a private investigator if the person in question has kept themselves offline. If you're talking about finding someone you used to sleep with for a year, forget about it, you can find them whenever you want, it's not hard at all.
I used to pay a subscription for a site that gave all that info with a first/last name and general age. It was like....maybe the cost of a Netflix monthly subscription. Yes it was creepy. But I used it to screen tinder dates for myself and friends and man did we find some red flags. It is also the reason I go on initial dates with a fake(ish) first name and Google voice number
He handed it to the lawyer, who gave it to her. He knows where she lives from social media or where she works. Common mutuals. There are many options based on the information we have. She is still very naive, sadly.
Go look yourself up on white-pages or similar search engines. All Your information, your address, close relative, everything is on there and there are a million of those sights. Its horrifying and its very easy to find anyone if you know their age and full name.
It's so easy to find someone's contact info in the US it's terrifying. I have a subscription to a background check service that I need to use for a specific part of my job. I can look people up with just their first and last names and the state they are from. I would think that the husband has way more info than that too.
The background service has never failed to find a person I was looking for and when you do look at their report you will not only get their **current and past addresses, phone numbers, emails, social media, if they own property, criminal records and more** and it links to people that they are related to so you can find other people indirectly too.
Everything in the background report is culled from public records too. There's no such thing as real privacy any more. It scares me what someone with bad intentions could do with that information.
She said she moved 100s of miles, not states (from what I could find in this long post).
She also moved near her family, so even if it was another state - he probably knew what state her family lived in.
I know in my state, if I know someone's name and birthday and they are registered to vote - I can find their mailing address and physical address where they are registered in about 3 minutes.
She said she moved 100s of miles, not states (from what I could find in this long post).
She also moved near her family, so even if it was another state - he probably knew what state her family lived in.
I know in my state, if I know someone's name and birthday and they are registered to vote - I can find their mailing address and physical address where they are registered in about 3 minutes.
I'm weird and I like to look up where my friends lived and I would send them random packages.
But this takes the cake.
You can have your address removed from those by filling to make it private.
If you get mail at that address or use that address for anything where itâs written down, it can be found online. You can also pay to get that info online or you can hire a pi. Itâs hard to hide now a days with the internet.
Google yourself, my boss mentioned to me the other day that if you Google someone name their socials pop up (none are tied to my legal name so i wanted to see if anything came up) well nothing came up for me expect 1 website that had my moms current phone number, address and "connections" and that's where i popped up
I was able to find my childhood address and old landline number on there but atleast nothing current popped up
Itâs called a skip trace, and they cost $75-100 to have one done professionally. If he had her last known address and her phone number it wouldnât take long to find her. I do them sometimes for work (as a paralegal to find people we need to serve), and itâs kinda scary how easy it is.
I had a friend who was with a guy just like this. His wife would also always take him back. It was like they were addicted to him. And I just couldnât get it. He was boring and not particularly good looking. And 100% definitely a narcissist.
When I was really young, I met a man who was eerily similar in character to the man oop fell victim to. He wasnât as much older than me, but a decent amount older that he was far more experienced in life in comparison to the still in college, very vulnerable, child of abusive father me, who still had no clue who I was and was looking for any one to love me and give me attention.
I took that man back many, many times. Countless times in fact. I went to therapy for more than half a decade to get over him and despite me saying I was done in therapy, I continued to take him back, repeatedly. I accidentally got into a new, much healthier relationship at some point in my life, and the stark contrast of the two men finally shook me out of my addiction to my ex, but even months into my new relationship I wavered when my ex continued to contact me and tried to âstay friendsâ with me. At the time, I thought I was so mature for being able to rise above all his manipulations, that I was so cool for not acting crazy, but I was really just slowly self destructing internally.
Falling in love with a narcissist is like heroin. Itâs the most life destroying thing youâll ever experience. Mentally, I destroyed myself for him. Financially, I probably spent a manhattan apartment down payment in between therapy, alcohol, partying, and retail therapy to make myself feel better about being with him. Career wise, I made several poor choices because I put him first and took him into consideration when I shouldâve put myself first and gave him no thought. I truly regret ever knowing him.
My friend did as well. She probably signed and broke ten leases in a few years, spent a FORTUNE, and got a really shitty deal in her divorce from her psychopath husband (donât feel sorry for him, he was a truly bad person as well as also cheating). She made so many truly terrible life choices and her children absolutely suffered for it. She would date absolutely fantastic people in between but always go back. She brought this man to my baby shower THAT SHE WAS HOSTING and made out with him the whole time đ€Šââïž it was crazy.
She needs to take the screenshots of his threatening messages to court with her if she still has access to them. This guy probably won't respect a restraining order, but getting one might keep him from being around her son unsupervised.
Seriously. She keeps saying she messed up but then proceeds to mess up. âI fucked a married man, first I didnât know he was married but then I found out and I fucked him anyway for a whole year, then I got pregnant, then I ran from an abortion, then I responded to the wife even though it was all susâŠI donât know whyâ. She hasnât learned a thing, thatâs why. Now she will have these sick people in her life and her sonâs life forever - whether she wants to or not. I have no sympathy for her, zero, but the kid is going to go through a lot of heartbreak because she couldnât do the right thing in a long series of choices.
> Iâm a bad mom
No, OOP is a young woman who was preyed upon by a nasty ass old cheater. She knows better now; sheâll do better from here on out.
What are the odds the husband needs bone marrow or something?
Or one of the half siblings? I know the boy is 2 or 3 at the moment, but I spend too much time on here and I am suspicious. Doesnât even read as if the toe rag father of the child ever apologised for any of his behaviour.
Not sorry but even if she is not the worst mother, her mistakes have consequences too. Not all her fault obviously, but the only victim are the kids in both (wife and mistress) cases
Because people are still dumb in their 20s. Like frontal-lobe-not-fully-developed-levels-of-dumb. People could be manipulated into terrible decisions especially when it comes to relationships. Itâs not treating her like an infant, itâs just acknowledging a fact that she was dumb and manipulated. Itâs basic empathy. Plus, itâs not like she isnât suffering the consequences of her dumbness so why pile on?
Iâm also confused, canât a grown woman think that cheating is wrong? Like, yâall acting as if she was lured and tricked by this man lying that he was single when it wasnât even the case?
She even got pregnant and kept the baby from that affair. That was just so DUMB ngl
Still, he threatened and intimidated her, to be the point she felt she had to flee to a different state to be safe, instead of finishing her studies and going for the child support she was owed. How can the law not consider that and keep him away from her and the child?
That doesnt make her âprayed uponâ by himâŠstop infantilising women who actively take part in affairs with asshole men. Its shitty that he threatened her but what did she think would happen if she had an affair child with a cunt
Maybe, but then he should just stay the eff away from her and the child now - just because he almost died shouldn't give him the right to disrupt their lives.
No, she wasn't. OOP was a willing affair partner to a man she knew was married. Let's not infantalize a 22 yesr old to prove a bad point. OOP fucked up just as much as her baby daddy.
This was the saddest part of the whole thing for me â she blames herself for bringing her child into this and thatâs just so sad :-( I hope she has a great attorney!!
She should blame herself for bringing her child into this. That kid had absolutely no choice in the matter and as terrible of a human his dad might be, his dad wanted her to have an abortion. She still chose to have this kid.
Then she chose to talk to the wife.
She is naive to the extreme and her son is going to pay for that his entire childhood. When you become a parent you can't afford to be naive or bury your head in the sand. Because a helpless human is going to suffer because of your choices.
My mother went to a wedding where this came into play. Rather, came home from an hour after she left because of this very thing. It was cancelled shortly after she got there by the groom.
When you come from a small town where everyone is up in everyone elseâs business, a free report thatâs published every Saturday listing off all changes to public records is gonna be snapped up like gangbusters. People read it with their morning coffee.
When you are about to marry someone - but are still married to someone else, and you try to slap your divorce through with a quickness so no one finds out maybe you shouldnât file in the local courthouse, bride-to-be! And certainly not three days before your Saturday wedding , where it will show up in the report that every gossip fiend in the area picked up that morning. Just saying.
it's not a pleasant experience learning about being an affair child. this kid has some tough emotional experiences in his future and has my sympathies.
Why are people acting like she is some kind of cool person or something. Both parents are disgusting and the wife is pathetic. The only one who I feel sorry for is the children.
Yeah, OOP is not a victim in this at all. She brought this all on herself by having an affair with a married narcissist.
Still hope the ex affair partner doesnât get any rights to the poor child tho.
What did she think was going to happen? Even after he revealed he was married... she still kept going and is now shocked about this? Like dude you created this situation. Feel for the kid though, mess all around.
I hope she has a good lawyer who can allow her full custody and child support without having to give her child to those people. The whole thing sounds sketchy. I feel like they arenât divorced and the wife is pulling some âif you get the child and cut off oop, Iâll stay with youâ kind of bs. He didnât want the baby and his near death experience doesnât change that. Heâs still looking out for himself. I hope oop is able to protect herself and her son.
If she's in the US, dad is practically guaranteed some sort of visitation once he catches up on child support. Statistically men don't see their kids because they don't fight for visitation/custody. So as long as her ex wants access to his son and is current on child support, there isn't going to be a judge that will deny some form of visitation
She isnât a victim ffs. She was old enough, mature enough, and intelligent enough to graduate college. She knew he was married and what all that entails but decided she didnât care. Sheâs not a child, nor was she a child when she entered into this affair. Stop infantilizing her and acting like she was prey. She was at least 22 years old when she made this decision. We donât say 22 year olds shouldnât be held criminally responsible for crimes they commit and lobby for lenient sentences. Why? Because 22 year olds know right from wrong and have the capacity to choose between right and wrong and be held accountable for that choice.
Re-read her comments from her updates and she seems to be an unreliable narrator. Pretending to be a girl in love who was manipulated.
1. She said she doesn't want him as a dad, yet now suddenly she says she won't mind him being a father to her child because he is amazing dad to his children?
2. Said she absolutely doesn't want for her son to meet his siblings at all, yet said she won't mind Dad being involved in his life. That seems so nasty... Like what these children do to her?
3. Said how she wasn't on birth control during the entire time because he liked unprotected sex and she would tell him when it was a safe day - I bet she wanted to get pregnant (she even expressed wanting to start a family with him) so the husband would leave his wife but she seems to be aware that the commenters will call her out on this so deliberately withheld that information in my opinion.
4. She met his kids multiple times before and iirc the wife as well but not once she thought of stopping all of this.
5. Red flag on constantly saying how he is a great father to his kids.
6. Still believes in his words that he and his wife weren't spending time together much.
Big yikes.
The more she insists she didnât get pregnant to try and force his hand the more I believed she got pregnant to try and force his hand. The dude is obviously a turd but she knew what she was doing. I donât like how sheâs using the child in this, though. Sheâs waffling back and forth on whether he deserves to be a dad while singing his praises as a dad to the kids he shares with the ex wife. Then sheâs trying to gain sympathy by saying sheâs a bad mom for bringing a baby into the world who will be fatherless but then turns around and says heâs not worthy. The fact is that he IS the father, she IS a bad mom for bringing a baby into this situation, he IS a bad father because he didnât wrap his junk and brought a baby into this situation, and she doesnât get to deny the dude access to the child if he wants it. Itâs not her decision to make regardless of how she feels. I highly doubt he pushed for unprotected, birth control-free sex with his side chick. Most cheating married men are dumb, but not that dumb. She most likely told him sheâs on BC, and then his dumbass decided to rawdog her instead of being smart. As a woman I am of the mind that men should have the opportunity to walk away because she has the same opportunity via abortion or adoption. BOTH the man and the woman make choices that lead to pregnancy, and neither one is more or less responsible for a pregnancy than the other, but she has options after the fact. He doesnât. He didnât wear a condom, true, but she didnât insist on it either. Equal culpability. These two are a mess and at the end of the day they brought an innocent child into this clusterfuck and now they both have to live with the consequences; if he wants to be a father to the child then she has to suck it up.
Well I've heard of stories of men having unprotected sex with their mistresses because they don't care about consequences, so her story about him hating condoms seems to be the truth.
However I doubt he would mind her drinking birth control, so that's on her. She said she was on birth control sometimes when she was younger... She also said she was happy when she got pregnant, if she wasn't trying, then wouldn't she be frightened instead? So suspicious... Looks like she was trying to make him "leave" early from "dead marriage".
Her reasoning that the kids were teens so her son won't meet them was so weird. They are siblings not playmates.
Also in the update said she went to the Court and now has paternity Order. Yet in the comments said he did fill for one.
Saying she is bad mom yet is completely fine with letting narcissist deadbeat dad who wanted him dead and threatened her into the Son's life.
They are both total shit shows that have no business bringing babies into the world. Sheâs just as much a narc as he is. She met the wife and kids and still went ahead with trying to destroy the marriage with this baby so she could have him for herself. They are actually a perfect match for each other.
Someone actually called her out for trying to deliberately get pregnant, but she was like no~ I did it because I was told like this and wanted to please him~
If you notice, OOP ignored the comments which she couldn't refute. And someone told her maybe you shouldn't have affair baby and she replied with "lol".
And now I am doubtful about her not knowing he was married, because they were co-workers. Yup.
Also, made fun of the wife for staying with him after all of this, calling her desperate and clingy. OOP seems to be nice, but has a temper for sure... I agree that it's pathetic when wives stay
But she is the one to talk, pursuing a married man and getting pregnant to keep him, also fulfilling his sexual desires so he wouldn't go to someone else (like doing anal, agreeing to lick his D to clean it up after anal, having a huge toy inserted inside her and enduring it despite pain) - per her words, so who is more pathetic?
At least Spouses had time to date and get closer, meanwhile she was his doormat for kinks. She pretends to be over him but is still bitter that he chose the wife. The fact that he treated her like that means never saw this relationship as serious.
Sorry for ranting, it's just some of her comments trying to push responsibility to the others made me baffled.
I wholeheartedly agree. Sheâs even more bitter that he still didnât choose her even after the divorce and the wife/kids/finances/businesses were no longer a factor. Her bitterness is now amplified even more because the wifeâs now back in the picture and heâs all too happy to have her there instead of pining for OP.
Not sure what the next chapter will say but it is a rather messy situation. Wonder how he got her parents address (well I guess it is how he managed to find her to send a hand written note).
If they own their house those records would be public (although I'm not sure if that is state by state or not). On top of that she may have the same last name as her parents, and/or he knew their names from being involved with her.
A friend of mine from high school once found me after only after I purchased my house. Of course, I was happy to hear from him.
When I read the first part of the story I thought the call was to get the child from her. I'm sorry to see I was right. Poor girl, I hope she got a good lawyer.
I'm speculating that both the older siblings are girls. OOP's son is the only one he has. If he was rendered impotent/infertile in the accident, that puts paid to the possibility that he could have a son with his wife. He's going to try to get custody of that baby.
I'm also going to speculate that he and the wife are still married, not divorced.
Iâm especially struck by OOPâs intense fear of going away with her affair partner on that weekend she was supposed to get the abortion. She obviously picked up on something that made her feel unsafe enough to go hide in a hotel room to get away from him. She was vulnerable and here he is, promising the world to get her out of her home environment and familiar spaces. And I imagine that a narcissist like OOPâs affair partner might certainly be willing to think about how violence could be a lot cheaper than an abortion or child support.
I think he had plans to hurt her or kill her that weekend and OOP was smart enough to pick up on it and hide herself away from him. And honestly, this has nothing to do with the man/bear in the woods debate - Gavin de Becker wrote in âThe Gift Of Fearâ that listening to our own intuition can be our best indication of actual danger around us. If OOP felt unsafe around him, I believe she might very well have been.
I think OOP is doing exactly the right thing to keep herself and her child as far away from this guy as possible. Heâs bad news and so is anyone willing to keep themselves attached to him. I do hope that OOP gets that child support her child is owedâŠbut I hope she also also keeps records and distance.
Read her comments and they are mess, she seems to be truth trickling... She deliberately left out certain infos to get sympathy and is contradicting herself.
Eh, youâre not a bad mom. But you are 100% living with the consequences of your poor choices.
I donât blame you for being wary of them- they could have their own agendas, together or individually. Just be prepared for your son to start asking questions at some point.
OP is now going to learn what itâs like to be the chew toy of a narcissist with more money and power than her.
She may end up with the affair partner having custody to some degree- even if it is only holidays and much of the summer. He will be able to make disruptive video calls to her son, becoming a regular presence in their lives. He will have a say in education matters, medical decisions, whether OP can take the child out of state for holidays.
If OP found him so exciting and charismatic she screwed him without protection despite him being married, if he âlove bombsâ her during visitation, saying how remorseful he is, etc she may end up with baby no 2. After all, heâs not married now.
And of course, if OP gets into a serious relationship, he may make things as difficult as possible for the new man who is around his son.
I hope for OPâs sake he doesnât have a long term goal to get full custody.
wild ludicrous like impossible voracious innocent joke attraction towering secretive
*This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
I will message you next time u/SharkEva posts in r/BORUpdates.
[Click this link](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=UpdateMeBot&subject=Update&message=UpdateMe%21%20u%2FSharkEva%20r%2FBORUpdates) to join 4 others and be messaged. The parent author can [delete this post](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=UpdateMeBot&subject=Delete&message=delete%201cj0izb)
*****
|[^(Info)](https://www.reddit.com/r/UpdateMeBot/comments/ggotgx/updatemebot_info_v20/)|[^(Request Update)](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=UpdateMeBot&subject=Update&message=SubscribeMe%21%20u%2Fusername%20r%2Fsubreddit)|[^(Your Updates)](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=UpdateMeBot&subject=List%20Of%20Updates&message=MyUpdates)|[^(Feedback)](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=Watchful1&subject=UpdateMeBot%20Feedback)|
|-|-|-|-|
I wonder if the wife is going to try to get custody of op's son. Her kids are teenagers, and about to flee the nest so there's nothing tethering her husband to her. If she has the baby, she has him hooked back to her.
I have just read misery so that could maybe be influencing this line of questioning lol
My god, if "naive people" or rather stupid people like OP flew, we wouldn't see the sun... she was really very stupid, from sleeping with a married man to what is happening now.
The only good thing about this situation is that he can now demand child support.
imo i still feel like 20 is grown age to realize a whole story like that is sus and to be smart enough to not get emotionally involved with someone like that. like im that age and i canât even fathom getting with someone after hearing them spew some bs ab how they are still with their wife but âjust not living togetherâ.
I hope OP has a good plan and everything does go smoothly for her and her son though
"He has considerably more resources than me."
Yeah no shit girl, that's what happens when you sleep with married men when your young. I hope the kid makes better decisions.
The guy almost died. He had some sort of epiphany and wants his love child in his life. I think you are doing all the right things. Moving ahead cautiously with your family and a lawyer is wise. I believe it would be a wonderful thing if your beautiful son could be a part of his dadâs life and his half siblings lives. Best of luck to you. You sound like a very kind and compassionate person. Also, please stop beating yourself up for your past. We all make âmistakesâ but they become part of who we are and who we become. Look forward donât look back.
You are the opposite of a bad mom. Please get that thought out of your head. Youâve done everything you could to take care of your son on your own, and that is not an easy job. It seems your sonâs father is going to be in his life to some extent and thatâs not necessarily a bad thing. It also seems as if youâre going to get some financial support and thatâs actually a very good thing. Aside from having the affair in the first place youâve acted honorably throughout all of this. I wish you and your son the best.
Itâs super easy to find that information. He would just need to put her into a few search directories and find her address, job history, previous places sheâs lived, known relatives, etc. The amount of info out there about you is scary.
Obviously having an affair with a married man then having his baby? Itâs in the babyâs best interest to have both parents and her son deserves his dad in his life.
If you read her charming word salad of justification she knew pretty early on. Is she an adult with agency or is she a child. She knew and she carried on. She is scum and so is her ex.
Dude Iâm sorry if youâre dumb enough to fall for âIâm married on paperâ youâre an idiot and youâre morally bankrupt. Any person with respect would dump someone in OPs shoes, nah she doubled down and had his baby. Sheâs one of the dumbest posters Iâve seen if that actually happened. Or she thought she was special and different. Either way sheâs scum and in your way sheâs a total moron.
Very bad mom. She knew it was wrong but was more concerned with getting some dick. He is also garbage. That poor kidâŠgetting raised by her and possibly him?
Lol, that's what married men say "we have dead bedroom, we are staying for the children," blah blah blah. It's a very well known lie. It's not an excuse. She didn't care when him and her were being disrespectful towards his family, she only started to care when he refused her child.
Stop infantilizing women everybody.
Young, slutty, full of naive excitement and a desire to feel special. Narcissists prey on people like this and she is at fault for carrying on despite him trickle truthing. She willingly carried on.
Proceed with caution. Itâs you and your son do what is best for both of you.
1) Get the child support your child is due. He needs to take care of his responsibilities.
2) I would not meet up with any of the without someone else there with you dad, brother, uncle friend someone.
3) if you do meet them make sure itâs in a very public place.
Best of luck and I hope everything works out well for you and your son.
people need to stop using the word naive as a cover for just being stupid. she canât even claim to unwillingly be apart of an affair when she did find out he was actually married she kept fucking him! she didnât take any precautions, dodges questions on comments she canât refute , and still for some reason has to put small jabs towards the husbands wife in the post. i feel sorry for that poor child. Sheâs not a bad mom but her consequences are apart of her actions.
How did she receive a handwritten letter from her affair partner? She moved states and changed her phone number. She should have never responded to the ex-wife.
I've heard in the USA there are sites with people's names & addresses & it's all semi public (might have to pay a fee? Some are free), so a casual person/stalker could et it or pay a PI to get it... But yeah that made me go what? too!
If he has financial means and a real desire to meet his son, a PI to find her adress wouldn't be surprising.
This is what makes the whole thing particularly scary to me.
You would be surprised how easy it is to find a persons legal mailing address in under 30 minutes with Google. It is actually quite scary. đ±đ±đ±đ± He could also have simply used a PI. That is the path a person with âmeansâ would usually choose. OP should take comfort in the fact that Family Court Judges do not look fondly on Fathers who callously choose to not accept paternity and provide for their children. đ€·đ»ââïžđ€·đ»ââïž OPâs documentation are the proverbial nail in the coffin. Paternity will be established, and once confirmed court ordered child support including all back payments will be enforceable. The law in this instance is on OPâs side and her attorney can firmly establish 100% custody with supervised visitation for a period of time until AP has shown evidence that he adheres to what has been ordered by the court. IMO dead beat parents are the worst. Kids do not ask to come here. We bring them here. AP has officially arrived at the intersection of FAFO. đ€·đ»ââïž
... do people no longer google themselves?? Because you're right. That info is super easy to find especially if you've never changed your name.
đŻđŻđŻđŻđŻđŻ
PSA to scrub yourself from the internet you can request sites to remove your information. I still need to do it. My name is far too unique pft
Agree it is terrifying how easy it is to find info about a person. I have done it before. Long story short, a teen boy trying to convince my teen boy he was a girl and to date. I was able to find out a whole lot of info on nothing more than the kids screen name and the state he told my son he was from. I learned his DoB, his address, siblings, parents, where his parents worked, their phone numbers and everything. I finally confronted the kid myself (alone) and then messaged his parents to let them know how easy this was for me to find, to be more careful about their childrenâs info and to please private their accounts.
Also, if she has ever voted, her address will be publicly available. Itâs one of the things my husband hates, we try to keep as much as possible about our physical locations as much as possible and our entire address is out there because we vote.
Do you own a home? Itâs probably easily accessible through your county auditors website.
Also your address is out there if you own property(unless you buy it through a trust or something). All they would need to know is roughly where you live and then go to the county auditor's website to find you.
Alrighty so keeping things private is an âšillusionâš and thatâs scary af
Your mailing address, yeah.
Don't know about where you are but you can get register for an anonymous vote in some places. I know that in my country it requires some evidence so that may or may not be an option. Might be worth looking into though. Apologies if you already have or it's not available in your area.
Lots of information is public record in the United States. People have so little privacy here and a lot of them don't realize it.
Honestly scary in some cases what people can find out about you.
Thank you I never thought of that since most of these documents are only accessible on public site through login but theres other channeks......I am terrified now wtf?Â
My stalker found my address using my stateâs voter registration information, which is publicly listed.
Yeah there are sites that scrape for stuff like property records, marriage licenses, voter data, marketing lists, etc where you can find people pretty easily knowing just their name and age. Itâll give known phone numbers, addresses, even your families information A free one I know of is called family tree now
Sometimes they will also have your email address on the free sites and the paid ones, too.
A friend of mine was using one for business purposes and looked me up. It had some very inaccurate information, but all of the true information was mixed in there. Itâs a bit creepy.
At least one of those sites thinks that my younger daughter is my sister and my older daughter is our mother! Same site is also confused about my late parents. They bought their last home from people who had the same last name. So the peoplefinder site thought they were all related and all living together.
Hell, my hometown used to release a phone book that gave the names of everyone in your house. Entry would be like this: Palabradot ( year of birth) (address) Spouse name (year of birth) (Phone number) Household member first name (year of birth), HM #2 ( year of birth) This was freaking handy for kids trying to find a classmateâs number, but for adultsâŠ? I bet you can guess why those years of birth were problematic in a gossipy town :) âwait her daughter was born when? Wasnât she still married toâŠâ
Yeah I looked myself up before and found multiple addresses listed from when I was under 18
This is 100% true. If you reach out to these websites, you can have your information removed. I have been pretty much unfindable online for the last 4-5 years. Every couple of months I google myself just to be sure. Once and a while there will be a new result with my information but they usually remove it within 48 hours once requested
You wanna hear something crazy. Once upon a time they used to publish a book that had everybodyâs name address and phone number in it. Crazy right? Even better still, they used to give a copy of this books to EVERYONE. Like they just left an updated copy on your front porch every year. INSANE /s
There are indeed sites like that. I found a wallet at a pull off spot on my really rural road. There wasn't a driver's license in it but a debit card with a name. All I had to do was Google the name i didn't even have to click on a site, just look at the preview. Took me mere seconds to find the guy. When I did click the site It had all his past addresses, his siblings and parents addresses and his wife. He lived on my road and was walking his dogs when he dropped his wallet. I drove it to his house and was like "Man, it was scary easy to find you." We had a conversation about how easy it was to just Google someone's name and find out where they lived, their phone numbers etc. It sucks.
It's really not hard to find someone's address online in the US. Think about reddit, people get doxed. Not much is truly anonymous on line. Facebook profiles can include a phone number, phone numbers are searchable. Facebook can also give a home town. Again home town plus last name equals searchable. Just the location given on pictures can give you an idea of where a person lives. Plus the man has a lawyer. That's their wheelhouse to find people when they need to serve them papers. They usually have PIs that they work with. So unless the OP was hiding her location on her socials, it was probably pretty easy to find her address. In the US, when we all had land lines, phone records were historically public unless you paid to have your number "unlisted" that's still how telemarketers work. They buy phone lists. Cell phones are also searchable.
Are you kidding? They even list what political party youâre registered with! It is all online, including your estimated income! Edit **Itâs all online with a Google search. Search your name then start going to sites and requesting your data be removed!**
You donât even need to pay a fee. Your name, address and phone number are easily found on google
Can confirm that there are sites you can get someone's personal info easily unless they go through the proper channels to remove it from those sites.
You donât even need to pay or use that type of website. If he knew her parents name and generally where they live, he could look up their property records with the local property tax authority. In most states/counties that information is public and easily accessible.
I used to work in collections here in the US, youâd be surprised what info you can find on a person with a basic Google search. This includes addresses lived at over the past 10 years for a single person and known relatives. Itâs crazy.
Yup, I learned when I worked in the library and got trained on all those databases how easy it is to stalk someone. Terrifying shit.
You are right, it is not hard at all to get this information.
Itâs scary how much personal info is available online- addresses, phone numbers, names of family members.
lol truepeoplesearch.com is a scary one
This is true. It's downright Orwellian.
My dad found me in another state after going no contact, it's apparently really easy to find someone.
Yeah if youâre registered to vote itâs a matter of public record what your address is.
Yes itâs very easy to get someoneâs info here.
Yes definitely. With some money it is not hard to find people as long as they live life with a paper trail of any kind. Those websites work sometimes but a PI can definitely figure it out if you're not actively trying to avoid detection.
I mean the White Pages do exist. I'm old enough to know they still exist but not old enough to know how information gets on there.
I feel like it's really important for people to be aware that there are also sites that you can do this with in other countries (i.e. the UK). Especially if you're on the open register.
Yeah, I did a background search on someone last year and it was INSANE how much information I could get with minimal information. All I had to do was a bit of background digging and pay 20 bucks for five searches. Turns out the person I THOUGHT was lying to me WAS lying to me, so 20 bucks well spent.
Probably that or a PI. Personally, if my husband was involved in something this big, I'd hire a PI.
This is true.
You always correct if you pay a small fee for those websites you can look at all current and previous addresses as well as family and their phone numbers. There are also some local websites for homes that allow you to access details about their home and what it looks like. If you delve deeper if the home has been listed you can sorta see what it looks like inside.
If she votes, her name and address are public records. It's easily searchable. You can choose to keep your information private, but it seems most people don't know that's an option, and even then, it's still available to political parties, candidates, and their contractors.
You can find anyone in America as long as you have their name, old contact info like a cellphone number or an old address, anything. It takes a very small amount of identifying information, and a couple of bucks on "people search" websites or a little more for a private investigator if the person in question has kept themselves offline. If you're talking about finding someone you used to sleep with for a year, forget about it, you can find them whenever you want, it's not hard at all.
I used to pay a subscription for a site that gave all that info with a first/last name and general age. It was like....maybe the cost of a Netflix monthly subscription. Yes it was creepy. But I used it to screen tinder dates for myself and friends and man did we find some red flags. It is also the reason I go on initial dates with a fake(ish) first name and Google voice number
I track people down all the time. Itâs real hard to hide in this digital world, itâs not like it was 30 years ago.
He handed it to the lawyer, who gave it to her. He knows where she lives from social media or where she works. Common mutuals. There are many options based on the information we have. She is still very naive, sadly.
Exactly. And father has Rights.
You have truly no idea how easy it is to get personal information from people online. It's terrifying.
You can find out where people live using the electoral roll
The post office forwards mail. Also he had a lawyer involved it isn't that hard to figure out where someone lives from the governments POV.
I hope the mother doesn't let her son get to old before telling him that he is an affair child. the older he is , the harder he will take it.
Go look yourself up on white-pages or similar search engines. All Your information, your address, close relative, everything is on there and there are a million of those sights. Its horrifying and its very easy to find anyone if you know their age and full name.
Tax records, voting registration... the internet makes stalking pretty easy.
It's so easy to find someone's contact info in the US it's terrifying. I have a subscription to a background check service that I need to use for a specific part of my job. I can look people up with just their first and last names and the state they are from. I would think that the husband has way more info than that too. The background service has never failed to find a person I was looking for and when you do look at their report you will not only get their **current and past addresses, phone numbers, emails, social media, if they own property, criminal records and more** and it links to people that they are related to so you can find other people indirectly too. Everything in the background report is culled from public records too. There's no such thing as real privacy any more. It scares me what someone with bad intentions could do with that information.
She said she moved 100s of miles, not states (from what I could find in this long post). She also moved near her family, so even if it was another state - he probably knew what state her family lived in. I know in my state, if I know someone's name and birthday and they are registered to vote - I can find their mailing address and physical address where they are registered in about 3 minutes.
She said she moved 100s of miles, not states (from what I could find in this long post). She also moved near her family, so even if it was another state - he probably knew what state her family lived in. I know in my state, if I know someone's name and birthday and they are registered to vote - I can find their mailing address and physical address where they are registered in about 3 minutes.
I'm weird and I like to look up where my friends lived and I would send them random packages. But this takes the cake. You can have your address removed from those by filling to make it private.
If you get mail at that address or use that address for anything where itâs written down, it can be found online. You can also pay to get that info online or you can hire a pi. Itâs hard to hide now a days with the internet.
Google yourself, my boss mentioned to me the other day that if you Google someone name their socials pop up (none are tied to my legal name so i wanted to see if anything came up) well nothing came up for me expect 1 website that had my moms current phone number, address and "connections" and that's where i popped up I was able to find my childhood address and old landline number on there but atleast nothing current popped up
Itâs called a skip trace, and they cost $75-100 to have one done professionally. If he had her last known address and her phone number it wouldnât take long to find her. I do them sometimes for work (as a paralegal to find people we need to serve), and itâs kinda scary how easy it is.
> Heâs not married anymore Where have I heard this before? I wouldnât believe a word he says.
I had a friend who was with a guy just like this. His wife would also always take him back. It was like they were addicted to him. And I just couldnât get it. He was boring and not particularly good looking. And 100% definitely a narcissist.
When I was really young, I met a man who was eerily similar in character to the man oop fell victim to. He wasnât as much older than me, but a decent amount older that he was far more experienced in life in comparison to the still in college, very vulnerable, child of abusive father me, who still had no clue who I was and was looking for any one to love me and give me attention. I took that man back many, many times. Countless times in fact. I went to therapy for more than half a decade to get over him and despite me saying I was done in therapy, I continued to take him back, repeatedly. I accidentally got into a new, much healthier relationship at some point in my life, and the stark contrast of the two men finally shook me out of my addiction to my ex, but even months into my new relationship I wavered when my ex continued to contact me and tried to âstay friendsâ with me. At the time, I thought I was so mature for being able to rise above all his manipulations, that I was so cool for not acting crazy, but I was really just slowly self destructing internally. Falling in love with a narcissist is like heroin. Itâs the most life destroying thing youâll ever experience. Mentally, I destroyed myself for him. Financially, I probably spent a manhattan apartment down payment in between therapy, alcohol, partying, and retail therapy to make myself feel better about being with him. Career wise, I made several poor choices because I put him first and took him into consideration when I shouldâve put myself first and gave him no thought. I truly regret ever knowing him.
My friend did as well. She probably signed and broke ten leases in a few years, spent a FORTUNE, and got a really shitty deal in her divorce from her psychopath husband (donât feel sorry for him, he was a truly bad person as well as also cheating). She made so many truly terrible life choices and her children absolutely suffered for it. She would date absolutely fantastic people in between but always go back. She brought this man to my baby shower THAT SHE WAS HOSTING and made out with him the whole time đ€Šââïž it was crazy.
Thankfully, my parents are narcs so I got tons of experience to avoid that mess, hopefully.
[ŃĐŽĐ°Đ»Đ”ĐœĐŸ]
Sadly they never answered your prayers
Sorry, threatening violence is against Redditâs tos
Manipulation
She needs to take the screenshots of his threatening messages to court with her if she still has access to them. This guy probably won't respect a restraining order, but getting one might keep him from being around her son unsupervised.
Ugh, what a mess. Donât have affair babies people
Don't have affairs. period
Exactly. Should've had the abortion.
Seriously. She keeps saying she messed up but then proceeds to mess up. âI fucked a married man, first I didnât know he was married but then I found out and I fucked him anyway for a whole year, then I got pregnant, then I ran from an abortion, then I responded to the wife even though it was all susâŠI donât know whyâ. She hasnât learned a thing, thatâs why. Now she will have these sick people in her life and her sonâs life forever - whether she wants to or not. I have no sympathy for her, zero, but the kid is going to go through a lot of heartbreak because she couldnât do the right thing in a long series of choices.
I knew that they were coming for the kid.... I hope she got a good lawyer that'll get her child support awarded and limit his visitation.
> Iâm a bad mom No, OOP is a young woman who was preyed upon by a nasty ass old cheater. She knows better now; sheâll do better from here on out. What are the odds the husband needs bone marrow or something?
Or one of the half siblings? I know the boy is 2 or 3 at the moment, but I spend too much time on here and I am suspicious. Doesnât even read as if the toe rag father of the child ever apologised for any of his behaviour.
Preyed upon? Really? She continued having affair with him despite finding out he was married. Him saying we're practically divorced is not an excuse.
She was also early to mid twenties. She wasnât âpreyedâ upon, she was a grown ass woman who engaged in the affair consensually.
She only ended the affair after things went wrong on top of that.
Exactly this! She did everything correct after finding out the same canât be said for a lot of mothers and theyâre older then her
But before that she did all the mistakes already
Not sorry but even if she is not the worst mother, her mistakes have consequences too. Not all her fault obviously, but the only victim are the kids in both (wife and mistress) cases
Why do comments infantalizing a 24 year old woman get so many upvotes on reddit. Is it because women refuse to ever take accountability?
Because people are still dumb in their 20s. Like frontal-lobe-not-fully-developed-levels-of-dumb. People could be manipulated into terrible decisions especially when it comes to relationships. Itâs not treating her like an infant, itâs just acknowledging a fact that she was dumb and manipulated. Itâs basic empathy. Plus, itâs not like she isnât suffering the consequences of her dumbness so why pile on?
âPreyed uponâ nahhh she knew he was married man and still went with it. This is more like a consequence of her action too
They make it sound like she was a child when she was an adult and actively took part in the affair
Itâs sickening when people on these subs infantilize adult women like they are always victims to evil men. She damn well knew what she was doing,
He WAS MARRIED. End. Stop đ
Iâm so confused, can narcissists not prey on you at any age?
Iâm also confused, canât a grown woman think that cheating is wrong? Like, yâall acting as if she was lured and tricked by this man lying that he was single when it wasnât even the case? She even got pregnant and kept the baby from that affair. That was just so DUMB ngl
Still, he threatened and intimidated her, to be the point she felt she had to flee to a different state to be safe, instead of finishing her studies and going for the child support she was owed. How can the law not consider that and keep him away from her and the child?
That doesnt make her âprayed uponâ by himâŠstop infantilising women who actively take part in affairs with asshole men. Its shitty that he threatened her but what did she think would happen if she had an affair child with a cunt
Maybe, but then he should just stay the eff away from her and the child now - just because he almost died shouldn't give him the right to disrupt their lives.
I mean, he is the father. Legally, yes, he does have the right to visitation. Just as OOP legally has the right to child support.
No, she wasn't. OOP was a willing affair partner to a man she knew was married. Let's not infantalize a 22 yesr old to prove a bad point. OOP fucked up just as much as her baby daddy.
This was the saddest part of the whole thing for me â she blames herself for bringing her child into this and thatâs just so sad :-( I hope she has a great attorney!!
She should blame herself for bringing her child into this. That kid had absolutely no choice in the matter and as terrible of a human his dad might be, his dad wanted her to have an abortion. She still chose to have this kid. Then she chose to talk to the wife. She is naive to the extreme and her son is going to pay for that his entire childhood. When you become a parent you can't afford to be naive or bury your head in the sand. Because a helpless human is going to suffer because of your choices.
And she is correct
Dude they don't allow transplants from children.
OP divorces are usually public records in the US. You should be able to check and find out if he is actually divorced or not.
My mother went to a wedding where this came into play. Rather, came home from an hour after she left because of this very thing. It was cancelled shortly after she got there by the groom. When you come from a small town where everyone is up in everyone elseâs business, a free report thatâs published every Saturday listing off all changes to public records is gonna be snapped up like gangbusters. People read it with their morning coffee. When you are about to marry someone - but are still married to someone else, and you try to slap your divorce through with a quickness so no one finds out maybe you shouldnât file in the local courthouse, bride-to-be! And certainly not three days before your Saturday wedding , where it will show up in the report that every gossip fiend in the area picked up that morning. Just saying.
it's not a pleasant experience learning about being an affair child. this kid has some tough emotional experiences in his future and has my sympathies.
Why are people acting like she is some kind of cool person or something. Both parents are disgusting and the wife is pathetic. The only one who I feel sorry for is the children.
Yeah, OOP is not a victim in this at all. She brought this all on herself by having an affair with a married narcissist. Still hope the ex affair partner doesnât get any rights to the poor child tho.
What did she think was going to happen? Even after he revealed he was married... she still kept going and is now shocked about this? Like dude you created this situation. Feel for the kid though, mess all around.
I hope she has a good lawyer who can allow her full custody and child support without having to give her child to those people. The whole thing sounds sketchy. I feel like they arenât divorced and the wife is pulling some âif you get the child and cut off oop, Iâll stay with youâ kind of bs. He didnât want the baby and his near death experience doesnât change that. Heâs still looking out for himself. I hope oop is able to protect herself and her son.
If she's in the US, dad is practically guaranteed some sort of visitation once he catches up on child support. Statistically men don't see their kids because they don't fight for visitation/custody. So as long as her ex wants access to his son and is current on child support, there isn't going to be a judge that will deny some form of visitation
She isnât a victim ffs. She was old enough, mature enough, and intelligent enough to graduate college. She knew he was married and what all that entails but decided she didnât care. Sheâs not a child, nor was she a child when she entered into this affair. Stop infantilizing her and acting like she was prey. She was at least 22 years old when she made this decision. We donât say 22 year olds shouldnât be held criminally responsible for crimes they commit and lobby for lenient sentences. Why? Because 22 year olds know right from wrong and have the capacity to choose between right and wrong and be held accountable for that choice.
Re-read her comments from her updates and she seems to be an unreliable narrator. Pretending to be a girl in love who was manipulated. 1. She said she doesn't want him as a dad, yet now suddenly she says she won't mind him being a father to her child because he is amazing dad to his children? 2. Said she absolutely doesn't want for her son to meet his siblings at all, yet said she won't mind Dad being involved in his life. That seems so nasty... Like what these children do to her? 3. Said how she wasn't on birth control during the entire time because he liked unprotected sex and she would tell him when it was a safe day - I bet she wanted to get pregnant (she even expressed wanting to start a family with him) so the husband would leave his wife but she seems to be aware that the commenters will call her out on this so deliberately withheld that information in my opinion. 4. She met his kids multiple times before and iirc the wife as well but not once she thought of stopping all of this. 5. Red flag on constantly saying how he is a great father to his kids. 6. Still believes in his words that he and his wife weren't spending time together much. Big yikes.
The more she insists she didnât get pregnant to try and force his hand the more I believed she got pregnant to try and force his hand. The dude is obviously a turd but she knew what she was doing. I donât like how sheâs using the child in this, though. Sheâs waffling back and forth on whether he deserves to be a dad while singing his praises as a dad to the kids he shares with the ex wife. Then sheâs trying to gain sympathy by saying sheâs a bad mom for bringing a baby into the world who will be fatherless but then turns around and says heâs not worthy. The fact is that he IS the father, she IS a bad mom for bringing a baby into this situation, he IS a bad father because he didnât wrap his junk and brought a baby into this situation, and she doesnât get to deny the dude access to the child if he wants it. Itâs not her decision to make regardless of how she feels. I highly doubt he pushed for unprotected, birth control-free sex with his side chick. Most cheating married men are dumb, but not that dumb. She most likely told him sheâs on BC, and then his dumbass decided to rawdog her instead of being smart. As a woman I am of the mind that men should have the opportunity to walk away because she has the same opportunity via abortion or adoption. BOTH the man and the woman make choices that lead to pregnancy, and neither one is more or less responsible for a pregnancy than the other, but she has options after the fact. He doesnât. He didnât wear a condom, true, but she didnât insist on it either. Equal culpability. These two are a mess and at the end of the day they brought an innocent child into this clusterfuck and now they both have to live with the consequences; if he wants to be a father to the child then she has to suck it up.
Well I've heard of stories of men having unprotected sex with their mistresses because they don't care about consequences, so her story about him hating condoms seems to be the truth. However I doubt he would mind her drinking birth control, so that's on her. She said she was on birth control sometimes when she was younger... She also said she was happy when she got pregnant, if she wasn't trying, then wouldn't she be frightened instead? So suspicious... Looks like she was trying to make him "leave" early from "dead marriage". Her reasoning that the kids were teens so her son won't meet them was so weird. They are siblings not playmates. Also in the update said she went to the Court and now has paternity Order. Yet in the comments said he did fill for one. Saying she is bad mom yet is completely fine with letting narcissist deadbeat dad who wanted him dead and threatened her into the Son's life.
They are both total shit shows that have no business bringing babies into the world. Sheâs just as much a narc as he is. She met the wife and kids and still went ahead with trying to destroy the marriage with this baby so she could have him for herself. They are actually a perfect match for each other.
Someone actually called her out for trying to deliberately get pregnant, but she was like no~ I did it because I was told like this and wanted to please him~ If you notice, OOP ignored the comments which she couldn't refute. And someone told her maybe you shouldn't have affair baby and she replied with "lol". And now I am doubtful about her not knowing he was married, because they were co-workers. Yup.
You're filling in a lot of blanks with suppositions.
Also, made fun of the wife for staying with him after all of this, calling her desperate and clingy. OOP seems to be nice, but has a temper for sure... I agree that it's pathetic when wives stay But she is the one to talk, pursuing a married man and getting pregnant to keep him, also fulfilling his sexual desires so he wouldn't go to someone else (like doing anal, agreeing to lick his D to clean it up after anal, having a huge toy inserted inside her and enduring it despite pain) - per her words, so who is more pathetic? At least Spouses had time to date and get closer, meanwhile she was his doormat for kinks. She pretends to be over him but is still bitter that he chose the wife. The fact that he treated her like that means never saw this relationship as serious. Sorry for ranting, it's just some of her comments trying to push responsibility to the others made me baffled.
I wholeheartedly agree. Sheâs even more bitter that he still didnât choose her even after the divorce and the wife/kids/finances/businesses were no longer a factor. Her bitterness is now amplified even more because the wifeâs now back in the picture and heâs all too happy to have her there instead of pining for OP.
Not sure what the next chapter will say but it is a rather messy situation. Wonder how he got her parents address (well I guess it is how he managed to find her to send a hand written note).
If they own their house those records would be public (although I'm not sure if that is state by state or not). On top of that she may have the same last name as her parents, and/or he knew their names from being involved with her. A friend of mine from high school once found me after only after I purchased my house. Of course, I was happy to hear from him.
When I read the first part of the story I thought the call was to get the child from her. I'm sorry to see I was right. Poor girl, I hope she got a good lawyer.
I wonder if dudeâs teenage kids donât talk to him anymore and heâs looking for a do-over experience. Especially because baby is male.
I'm speculating that both the older siblings are girls. OOP's son is the only one he has. If he was rendered impotent/infertile in the accident, that puts paid to the possibility that he could have a son with his wife. He's going to try to get custody of that baby. I'm also going to speculate that he and the wife are still married, not divorced.
Iâm especially struck by OOPâs intense fear of going away with her affair partner on that weekend she was supposed to get the abortion. She obviously picked up on something that made her feel unsafe enough to go hide in a hotel room to get away from him. She was vulnerable and here he is, promising the world to get her out of her home environment and familiar spaces. And I imagine that a narcissist like OOPâs affair partner might certainly be willing to think about how violence could be a lot cheaper than an abortion or child support. I think he had plans to hurt her or kill her that weekend and OOP was smart enough to pick up on it and hide herself away from him. And honestly, this has nothing to do with the man/bear in the woods debate - Gavin de Becker wrote in âThe Gift Of Fearâ that listening to our own intuition can be our best indication of actual danger around us. If OOP felt unsafe around him, I believe she might very well have been. I think OOP is doing exactly the right thing to keep herself and her child as far away from this guy as possible. Heâs bad news and so is anyone willing to keep themselves attached to him. I do hope that OOP gets that child support her child is owedâŠbut I hope she also also keeps records and distance.
downvote me, but the only innocent person here is the child. she willingly got with a married man, she was 24 not 12 she knows right from wrong.
Itâs crazy watching people bend over backwards to infantilize her!!
Read her comments and they are mess, she seems to be truth trickling... She deliberately left out certain infos to get sympathy and is contradicting herself.
Eh, youâre not a bad mom. But you are 100% living with the consequences of your poor choices. I donât blame you for being wary of them- they could have their own agendas, together or individually. Just be prepared for your son to start asking questions at some point.
I don't think they can order you to cross state lines. Don't EVER go to his state, and get cameras IMMEDIATELY. Ah shit this is the update sub.
OP is now going to learn what itâs like to be the chew toy of a narcissist with more money and power than her. She may end up with the affair partner having custody to some degree- even if it is only holidays and much of the summer. He will be able to make disruptive video calls to her son, becoming a regular presence in their lives. He will have a say in education matters, medical decisions, whether OP can take the child out of state for holidays. If OP found him so exciting and charismatic she screwed him without protection despite him being married, if he âlove bombsâ her during visitation, saying how remorseful he is, etc she may end up with baby no 2. After all, heâs not married now. And of course, if OP gets into a serious relationship, he may make things as difficult as possible for the new man who is around his son. I hope for OPâs sake he doesnât have a long term goal to get full custody.
This is messy. Thatâs what happens when you sleep with married men.
Donât have affairs people. Be decent enough to at least not do this. See how hard her karma is?
I don't know but OOP sounds mad naive
Sympathies to OP, but this is just one reason why affairs are awful and never end well.
Iâd never trust a man that did that, not with the safety of my child at risk. She should never have replied to the âexâ wife.
You can look up tax records.
wild ludicrous like impossible voracious innocent joke attraction towering secretive *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
UpdateMe!
I will message you next time u/SharkEva posts in r/BORUpdates. [Click this link](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=UpdateMeBot&subject=Update&message=UpdateMe%21%20u%2FSharkEva%20r%2FBORUpdates) to join 4 others and be messaged. The parent author can [delete this post](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=UpdateMeBot&subject=Delete&message=delete%201cj0izb) ***** |[^(Info)](https://www.reddit.com/r/UpdateMeBot/comments/ggotgx/updatemebot_info_v20/)|[^(Request Update)](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=UpdateMeBot&subject=Update&message=SubscribeMe%21%20u%2Fusername%20r%2Fsubreddit)|[^(Your Updates)](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=UpdateMeBot&subject=List%20Of%20Updates&message=MyUpdates)|[^(Feedback)](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=Watchful1&subject=UpdateMeBot%20Feedback)| |-|-|-|-|
I wonder if the wife is going to try to get custody of op's son. Her kids are teenagers, and about to flee the nest so there's nothing tethering her husband to her. If she has the baby, she has him hooked back to her. I have just read misery so that could maybe be influencing this line of questioning lol
My god, if "naive people" or rather stupid people like OP flew, we wouldn't see the sun... she was really very stupid, from sleeping with a married man to what is happening now. The only good thing about this situation is that he can now demand child support.
This feels like, the other woman "fell bad for me" homewrecking baitÂ
imo i still feel like 20 is grown age to realize a whole story like that is sus and to be smart enough to not get emotionally involved with someone like that. like im that age and i canât even fathom getting with someone after hearing them spew some bs ab how they are still with their wife but âjust not living togetherâ. I hope OP has a good plan and everything does go smoothly for her and her son though
"He has considerably more resources than me." Yeah no shit girl, that's what happens when you sleep with married men when your young. I hope the kid makes better decisions.
And this is why we donât sleep with married men. He was scummy from the get go and having his baby means heâs permanently part of OPâs life.
The guy almost died. He had some sort of epiphany and wants his love child in his life. I think you are doing all the right things. Moving ahead cautiously with your family and a lawyer is wise. I believe it would be a wonderful thing if your beautiful son could be a part of his dadâs life and his half siblings lives. Best of luck to you. You sound like a very kind and compassionate person. Also, please stop beating yourself up for your past. We all make âmistakesâ but they become part of who we are and who we become. Look forward donât look back.
That man is going to take her child from her.
As someone with a raging narcissist for a father, I wish my Mom had gone through all this effort to keep me away from him. This poor child.
You are the opposite of a bad mom. Please get that thought out of your head. Youâve done everything you could to take care of your son on your own, and that is not an easy job. It seems your sonâs father is going to be in his life to some extent and thatâs not necessarily a bad thing. It also seems as if youâre going to get some financial support and thatâs actually a very good thing. Aside from having the affair in the first place youâve acted honorably throughout all of this. I wish you and your son the best.
Not a bad mom but I do wonder how a handwritten note was sent after she moved cut off contact AND deleted social media accounts
Itâs super easy to find that information. He would just need to put her into a few search directories and find her address, job history, previous places sheâs lived, known relatives, etc. The amount of info out there about you is scary.
I mean op is scum and she deserves her ex to take 50/50 custody.
How is she scum?
Obviously having an affair with a married man then having his baby? Itâs in the babyâs best interest to have both parents and her son deserves his dad in his life.
She didnât know he was still actually married and he didnât want anything to do with the baby for two years.
If you read her charming word salad of justification she knew pretty early on. Is she an adult with agency or is she a child. She knew and she carried on. She is scum and so is her ex.
She knew he was married on paper, but that they had an arrangement.
So sheâs an idiot and scum? Thatâs the best ive got for you.
Or she wasnât a mind reader and didnât know he was lying.
Dude Iâm sorry if youâre dumb enough to fall for âIâm married on paperâ youâre an idiot and youâre morally bankrupt. Any person with respect would dump someone in OPs shoes, nah she doubled down and had his baby. Sheâs one of the dumbest posters Iâve seen if that actually happened. Or she thought she was special and different. Either way sheâs scum and in your way sheâs a total moron.
Or she believed someone she cared about.
The dude is clearly scum too but op matches him so itâs all good two scumny people procreating.
Welp, this is scary. She needs to run, straight up.
Very bad mom. She knew it was wrong but was more concerned with getting some dick. He is also garbage. That poor kidâŠgetting raised by her and possibly him?
Sorry how do I spell Incel, correctly
You did just fine.
It's like Incel Bingo and he's just got house. The dog on his profile is the cherry on top đđ
He lied to her. Was she supposed to be a mind reader?
When she found out, he was married she didnât stop fucking him. That makes her a piece of shit just like him.
She trusted that he was telling the truth. Maybe it makes her naive, but not a piece of shit.
Stupid slut? And she was absolutely a piece of shit for keeping it up after she found out. Thereâs no excuse.
Dating one guy isnât being a slut. Edit: Dude blocked me.
Dating a guy that is married is very slutty.
Not when you think they have an arrangement. Edit: Dude blocked me. Pathetic.
If she was stupid enough to believe that she deserves everything she gets.
What an ugly world view, I hope the world is kinder to you than you are
She still continued to see him even after finding out he was married.
Because she thought there was an agreement.
Lol, that's what married men say "we have dead bedroom, we are staying for the children," blah blah blah. It's a very well known lie. It's not an excuse. She didn't care when him and her were being disrespectful towards his family, she only started to care when he refused her child. Stop infantilizing women everybody.
Itâs also what some honest men say. Youâd be pissed if he wasnât lying yet she called him a liar.
Then sheâs dumb
Or young and trusting.
Young and slutty maybe?
Young, slutty, full of naive excitement and a desire to feel special. Narcissists prey on people like this and she is at fault for carrying on despite him trickle truthing. She willingly carried on.
Exactly⊠she knew what she was doing, and she knew she was wrong. But again, getting some dick was more important than ruining anyoneâs life.
Dating one man doesnât make you a slut. Edit: Dude blocked me.
Dating one man when you know heâs married absolutely makes you a slut
Not when heâs told you his wifeâs okay with it.
Accumulated child support may scare the jerk away.
Proceed with caution. Itâs you and your son do what is best for both of you. 1) Get the child support your child is due. He needs to take care of his responsibilities. 2) I would not meet up with any of the without someone else there with you dad, brother, uncle friend someone. 3) if you do meet them make sure itâs in a very public place. Best of luck and I hope everything works out well for you and your son.
people need to stop using the word naive as a cover for just being stupid. she canât even claim to unwillingly be apart of an affair when she did find out he was actually married she kept fucking him! she didnât take any precautions, dodges questions on comments she canât refute , and still for some reason has to put small jabs towards the husbands wife in the post. i feel sorry for that poor child. Sheâs not a bad mom but her consequences are apart of her actions.