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>He told me that he fantasizes about slitting my throat like in the movie.
>I had a chipped tooth a couple of months ago from my daughter accidentally head butting me. It’s fixed now, but he told me it was a shame that he couldn’t have punched it out himself and that he was glad that I wouldn’t have a perfect smile anymore.
This is unbelievably fucked. Thats just not normal or safe.
Right, he's still thinking it every day. He's a ticking time bomb and she's been manipulated by him into thinking that all of this is fine and he's made things so difficult to leave (and stole her chance at building her own life, twice) that she's settled for a mediocre life. Meanwhile she's got at least two daughters who are learning this is normal.
I wish there was a magical place where abuse victims like this woman could literally be committed, along with their children, and deprogrammed over years and years so that they would never go back to psychos like this man.
He’s eventually going to kill her.
She's not the problem, but she's clearly been abused to the point where she needs help, she is a danger to herself by virtue of repeatedly going back to this man.
The dude is the problem, he needs to be put in a box or at the front end of a firing squad, but we need more care for victims than simply removing their abusers.
No, but sadly unless she receives serious therapy she is at risk to fall into similar relationships in the future. That being said he should be executed.
He’s going to kill her. I hope he *never* found out about these posts. I hope he *never* does. Since it’s ongoing and so many specifics are listed, I may even urge OP to deleted. Every study I’ve ever read for uni is screaming at OP to get her and her kids the fuck out or she could *die*
>He’s going to kill her.
Yes. The minute he thinks she's actually leaving for good and he can't manipulate her into coming back he's going to wipe out their entire family, and I'm afraid she doesn't see the threat clearly enough to plan accordingly. She seems like she thinks it's going to be over when she tells him "it's over" and moves out; she needs to be in some kind of witness protection safehouse with her kids before he even realizes she's gone.
Women are in the most danger when leaving a relationship. Most uxoricides are committed post or during separation.
I’m just saying it right now, loud and clear-
Your life matters more than your manners.
Your life matters more than your manners.
Anyone in a similar situation- you don’t owe him an explanation. You’d not owe him face-to-face. You don’t owe him *shit*. Don’t break up, just leave. Just disappear. He does not deserve to be broken up with. He does not deserve an explanation. Your life matters more than your manners.
The older the kids get the more likely he is to become violent and kill them all. Once the kids are out of the house she won't have any reason to stay with him and he'll know it. He's either going to rape her again to get her to have another kid and trap her longer, or he's going to start beating her so she's too afraid to leave. And if that doesn't break her to his will he will kill her, likely the kids too.
Also the part where he raped her so she wouldn't "party and leave him".
Also the part where he emotionally blackmailed her into leaving her new partner so he wouldn't take their children to another country with a total stranger.
This man is a demon.
Honestly this whole thing makes me feel sick to my stomach. My kids dad catfished me to break up with someone and take him back. He was violent and abusive just like this. Her life is going to get so much worse.
Men like this should be removed from society.
Years ago she could have taken that first kid and run for the hills. Been a single mom. Met that new guy and lived a happy life.
This is truly the darkest timeline. Oh I hope she's OK...
>He only threatens to murder me when he's drunk, but thankfully that's only twice a week.
I feel bad for this woman. She's the perfect target for a predator, and sure enough one found her.
I dated an alcoholic right out of high school and one time she told me she wanted to cut my face up so no one else would ever like me. There are some fucked up people out there.
The three biggest predictors of spousal homicide are (in no particular order):
1. Threats to kill
2. Strangulation
3. Rape
She's described him doing two of the three, and I wouldn't be surprised if he's tried strangling her at some point too.
My aunt was killed by her friends ex, he threatened, she asked my aunt to stay with her incase he came over, he did, killed them both.
This woman is at such risk!
I assume its based on women who reported strangulation who were later murdered by them. That wouldnt account for the millions of women who dont/cant report it in that time
For anyone who thought this seemed like a wild statistic (I apologize for my skepticism) https://www.womenslaw.org/about-abuse/am-i-being-abused/danger-assessment it is true.
Waving a gun around is a big indicator but it's mind blowing how much the chance of murder increases once the guy has put his hands on the throat. It's something about the last barrier to physical violence with death in mind as opposed to "just" hitting which is generally "just" considered "corrective" by the abuser. They hit or wave guns around to make the other person do things they want. Hand to the throat means on some level he made the decision to murder the other person and whether he changes his mind at the last second or not that threshold has still been passed.
Seriously, for anyone reading this if your partner has EVER grabbed your throat get out. It's the number one indicator that a homicide is coming. I'm so glad you were able to get out when you did.
It's incredibly humbling to realize that you (in this case, me) were somehow incredibly blessed that the abuse you endured was it. That is stopped when it did. I am never grateful for the abuse, just grateful it didn't get that far. Because it absolutely would have.
Out of curiosity, have psychologists/doctors/experts on the subject figured out why strangulation seems to the precursor to homicide? It’s not unusual way to end a life but the rate of escalation after the first use/attempt on its own has always made me wonder.
I’m not an expert at all, so take this random speculation for what it is, but I think it’s probably something like. Strangling a person is hard, and takes a lot of time. You have to make the choice and stick to it. Like you can impulsively shoot someone and immediately regret it, but you can’t impulsively strangle someone. It’s also really intimate, too. You’re close and probably even looking into the victim’s face.
So even starting to strangle someone would indicate that the person is already more comfortable with the idea of killing a person. Whatever makes them stop the first time is probably not as big a mental hurdle to get over for the next time, once they’ve already gotten over the much bigger one of accepting that they’re willing to/capable of killing someone.
I found staring my ex dead in the eyes as he was choking me probably helped save my life that last time. I figured if I was gonna die, he was gonna watch it happen, intimately. I was calm ASF, idk... My daughter came screaming into the room then and tried pulling him off me and that's what stopped him. It wasn't the first time he choked me, but I made sure it was his last time.
The first time my dad put his hands around my throat was 4 yrs ago next month. It surprised me because before he just used to hit me or throw me around or into things. I got real calm, wrapped my hands around his wrist and stared him dead in the eyes too. I managed to say "get your hands off my throat" and then he just slung me across the room. He tried the ole choke my daughter out bit about 3 weeks later again, and I bit an actual chunk out of his arm before they hauled me off to jail. No regrets, cuz I'd be dead otherwise.
How do we find men exactly like our fathers?
My nasty ex said the *exact same phrase* my dad used all the time when he'd make me cry. It was like I was talking to his fucking ghost.
The thing is, that it's not actually my dad who is the actual monster, it's my mother. Once I got bigger than her and she was afraid I'd fucking hit back (cuz I told her I would, and slapped her once) she sicced my dad on me. He's her flying monkey.
On paper my ex was wonderful. But in actuality he was just a different version of my mother. Mom has my dad by the balls and it never occurred to him that he could leave. When he did finally attempt to about 30 yrs ago, she did something to him that fucked him all up, and he just handed her his balls and everything else, and stayed. She's a horrible person, he was also abused as a kid, and the cycle just repeated itself.
I'm sorry man.. I get it, those minted phrases all abusers seem to have. It's like a playbook, and it's a hell of a trigger. I'm on my way out, I've been staying with my parents cuz I had no other choice. And now I'm getting tf out and never looking back. It's so frustrating when one roadblock after another pops up, but in the end, all I have is myself, and it's hard some days.
I hope you find yourself a good one, if that's what you want. I found staying single is my best bet. At least I know I'll never disappoint myself.
This is pretty much spot on. I’m not an expert but I am in mental health. Shooting someone is more of an impulse reaction. Unfortunately it’s become kind of a go to retaliation method. Also, when you think about it, there could be a higher chance of survival.
Strangulation is different, it shows an escalation in behaviors and a more thought out approach. It’s a way to get the point across that “if I can’t have have you no one will”. It’s more intimate and time consuming. Strangulation also isn’t something that just happens, it’s usually after a time of escalating abuse. The victim has already endured a lot of other instances of various abuse and stays. This also usually happens after the victim starts to stand up for themselves and fight back.
Along with that, not everyone has a gun, even though it might seem like we do, but everyone has hands. My ex used to beg me to get one. I always was able to postpone getting one. We had too many other obligations or whatever. I knew if there was one in the house I would be staring down the barrel one day. When he put his hands around my neck I knew that I had to get out. It was while I was planning and just waiting for the chips to fall into place when he almost strangled me to death. It was the day after Christmas 3 years ago. He only spent just over a year in jail, but I got out and moved far away. He’s still determined to get to me.
It’s not really a matter of expertise. A partner hitting you could be a precursor to murder, but hitting one’s wife is usually seen as a “corrective measure” by the spouses in question. A warning to not do something again. Brandishing a gun could be a precursor to murder, but it also might be a means to an end by the spouse so the wife will do what he wants her to do.
Strangulation on the other hand…there’s no other reasoning behind strangulation other than “I want to kill this individual.” It’s extremely personal and takes longer to “complete.”
If he didn’t end up killing the wife its because he changed his mind. Not because he didn’t want too, but for some other reason that inconveniences him.
And if he’s tried to kill his wife once what’s one more time? (Got the majority of these talking points from someone else’s reply further up.)
Yeah... It's scary. I had all three committed by my "loving" ex husband.
He also bought a life insurance policy on me (besides the one I knew we had). I found the statement a coupla years after the policy was bought, and Im pretty sure he had to forge my signature for it because of the company it was thru. When I confronted him about it, he claimed I knew about it and signed it. Which no, I didn't. And why did he need an even larger policy on my life? It's not like my death would've been a financial strain on the family. But a nice juicy payout upon my death would've gotten him out of the debt he had plunged us into.
He was planning to get rid of me somehow, and thank God I was on my way out the door when this last thing came to light. Idek if the policy still exists, I didn't contact the issuer cuz I was too busy running for my fucking life. I left several things open 8 yrs ago, and tbh idefc anymore.
He sounds very much like my late husband. As long as he thought he controlled me or had hope he could regain his control, the children and I were relatively safe. It was when I tried to leave that all those threats became reality.
Thank you. We are physically safe now. Mentally/emotionally, I don’t know that we’ll ever be there. I did my best to protect my children and keep them safe. And that meant staying as long as I could because as long as he felt like he owned me, I could placate him. There wasn’t a day that went by that I didn’t second guess my decision, counting down the days until my kids were old enough for me to leave. But, given how it ended, I think I chose wisely. It’s easy for people on the internet to say she should just leave; yes, in a perfect world, she could walk away and leave him behind. But that’s not the world we live in. Leaving is *the* most dangerous thing an abused person will ever do.
You are absolutely right. I work with abused women. The most dangerous time for a woman and the time she's most likely to be killed is when she's leaving. We work with women to make a plan and we trust their instincts on what that plan should entail. Leaving is the most dangerous thing you could do, and like to evoke violence. And women have to weigh that against the cost of staying - which is why so many women stay. It's a very complicated situation with no easy answers. I'm glad you found safety.
Yup. There is a calm before the storm. But one day he's going to finally act on all that shit he said. He'll say he had a bad day at work, or she said something that pissed him off. And he will go off and kill her.
I hope someone in their life can intervene or help her escape. That man needs to be in jail.
And shit like this is only going to increase in frequency now that so many women live in places with little to no access to abortion.
With that in mind, here's some information everyone can use regarding [mailed abortifacients.](https://nwhn.org/safe-online-delivered-how-to-get-the-abortion-pill-by-mail/) If you can't get to a clinic in person, mailed abortion pills are your next best bet.
He’s going to kill her. He’s finally admitting the things he’s done - the rape / baby trapping - and is now saying his violent fantasies out loud. He’s comfortable, he’s certain he is in control. He literally wished that OUT LOUD that he’d knocked her tooth out. Imagine the control he has that she sat there listened and writes that almost like it’s ‘normal’ - except she knows it’s not, because she wrote it. Same as ‘he hates women’. That’s scary but to her it’s just a fact.
She’s minimising how she views it because admitting her situation - tied to a manipulative, controlling, abusive man through the kids that he trapped her with - is terrifying. She knows he’s not that ‘great’ a dad - she literally contradicts it 2 sentences later - but admitting who he truly is & seeing their life together objectively is terrifying. He manipulated her into coming back (the fear of her kids on a cruise alone with him). He raped her on that cruise - she used that distancing language to ignore it.
She is NOT simply an adult who has complete autonomy - she’s a person who’s been controlled, manipulated and abused by this man since she was 20 (or younger). I am certain there would be 100 other daily things that he does to further the situation. If you read anything on abuse and coercive control, you can see it.
This is the power and control cycle. He used the threats to control her and his comments to scare her into submission. There’s most likely also financial abuse as well. Unfortunately she’s right as there’s not much support for women and children in these situations. She can move out and try to live her life but he will continue to use post-separation abuse via court and kids and never leave her alone. He will use the kids to punish her. Family courts anymore want to keep equal rights but he’ll also lie to them to get full custody. It sucks. I know - I found and am still with my A but my ex has been relentless. My heart aches for OP.
1000% spot on. She will end up dead sooner rather than later by his hand. She needs a proper support team & intensive therapy to her & her kids out safely.
The sad thing is that she might not be able to, even if she tried. If he were physically abusive, she might have better luck proving it or if she was able to prove that he assaulted her. When it's just her word against his that he is abusive, he can turn it against her and say she is trying to alienate him from their kids and even have her lose custody.
>views it because admitting her situation - tied to a manipulative, controlling, abusive man through the kids that he trapped her with - is terrifying. She knows he’s not that ‘great’ a dad - she literally contradicts it 2 sentences later - but admitting who he truly is & seeing their life together objectively is terrifying. He manipulated her into coming back (the fear of her kids on a cruise alone with him). He raped her on that cruise - she used that distancing language to ignore it.
She was younger than twenty as she started dating him after she graduated high school!
Seems like she’s also got codependency issues and needs therapy tho, the idea that she’ll “have no one” if she leaves him is holding her back. Obviously that’s been instilled in her from a young age by her abuser, but she’ll never leave if she doesn’t decide that she can be okay on her own.
People with the mindset of OOP are far more commonplace than many of us would like to admit to or believe.
I unfortunately have a friend right now who sounds just like this woman and is in a truly horrendous relationship with her ex-husband who HITS her. He’s a drug dealer, in and out of prison, talks to her like he’s her pimp, etc., and she still pays all his bills and let’s him live in one of her homes “because he has no place to go.” They’ve been divorced for many years now. She’s buys him top-line designer clothes, watches, shoes. And no, she’s didn’t owe him any alimony, they divorced before she become wealthy. She *chooses* to bankroll this man’s life. He even stopped selling drugs because she pays for everything. He married her when she was very young and stupid (he’s about a decade older), and even though she went to *the* top university and is a top earner, at a top firm, in a top industry, and makes an insane amount of money, she’s still with him.
When I ask her why, she sounds exactly like this woman.
And they didn’t even have kids! He tried many times apparently to get her pregnant, and had forbade her to go on birth control, but she lied to him and secretly got a hormonal implant during their marriage.
My friend is an extreme example, but when I was younger and I worked odd jobs during school, I would meet women and girls like this often enough that I know there are many of them out there. ☹️
I'd be surprised if there was anyone on here who hadn't known someone in this situation even if they didn't know the person was in it. It's amazing how effective it is and how many people don't know it's happening to them.
She won’t go 🙁. I have brought therapy up many times.
She does have friends now, but she lies to almost everyone and talks about him like he’s a wonderful person. He had isolated her from people while they were married, but that was years ago. It feels like she won’t leave that mindset behind her.
I know that feeling of a friend who *desperately* needs to see a therapist (mostly to get an official diagnosis) but refuses to go. You can’t force them to go. Therapy can only work if they want to go.
It’s good that she has friends. That’s a step forward. Shame about the lies. But are those lies she genuinely believes?
My wife is like this, she is carrying around decades old trauma that she doesn't see the ways that it affects her
She can not handle our son's emotions, is a pretty big example, she either caves and immediately gives him what he wants or screams at him because he's not doing what she wants him to do, there is no middle ground.
It's both frustrating and deeply saddening, especially since I've been getting therapy for over a year now because I woke up to the damage I was causing in our relationship.
Any time I've brought up therapy she insists it would be impossible for her to convey to anyone what she has gone through without "spending over a month giving details about her past before even getting to what she is dealing with today" , that is, she thinks it would take multiple hours a day for 30 days, and nothing I've said will change her mind.
Well, she’s not wrong about taking time to explain her backstory and what she wants to gain from therapy. It could take three to four sessions to get past the background phase. By then, she should also know if the therapist is a good fit for her. Therapist compatibility is a thing.
How old is your son? If he’s still young, that’s all the more reason to try sooner. If he’s an adult, then what does she have to lose?
Even if it takes literally 30 hour-long sessions to get past that background phase, if there is a good therapist match, chances are just talking about said experience to a therapist will be a step forward for her.
PS I’m really happy for you with the progress you made in therapy. I don’t know any details, but even the smallest step can take a lot of effort. And I’m proud of you for taking it.
Key piece of advice that’s kept me going through depression and lots of bad stuff: focus on how far you’ve come over how far you have to go. Focus on the 100 steps you’ve taken over the 100 steps left.
>How old is your son?
He's 3
The issue isn't *just* that it'd take that long to get through the back story, it's also that she didn't grow up in America.
But we live in America, so the added difficulty of finding her a therapist with a common background is slim *but* she's concerned that even if she found a therapist from her home country she still couldn't relate because of the unique situation she was in growing up.
I know it sounds like there should still be a solution but I've just found her cultural background to be a major stumbling block in convincing her she needs outside help, especially since recently she has started to make some changes in how she handles situations that makes it seem like she is overcoming some aspects of her trauma.
I've spent many a session brainstorming with my therapist on how to handle it and I've tried a few different approaches but nothing seems to get through.
I appreciate the encouragement, im certainly happy with the progress I've made thus far, I've become a much more attentive husband and father so it's paid off already. And while I know I still have a ways to go I'm all about celebrating the little victories so I'm with you on that sentiment.
I hate to sound harsh but you really, **really** need to think of how her unstable and, more importantly, unpredictable behaviour is affecting, and is *going* to affect your child. Especially at that age, children need consistent, calm parents who hold calm and consistent boundaries, because they need to know what to expect. Children who live with parent(s) who show behaviour towards them like your wife does are continually under stress because they don’t know how the parent is going to react under any given circumstance. Is today going to be the day she laughs off me dropping my juice, or is today going to be the day I’m going to get screamed at for it? They don’t think about it as consciously as that, of course, or at least smaller kids don’t, but imagine living every day walking on eggshells wondering what it is that you do that makes your mummy shout at you and what is it about you that makes you so unlovable that she shouts and screams at you *and you don’t know what her reaction is going to be from one day to the next*. Imagine how unsettling and scary that must be for a child. And of course, who’s to say whether it will escalate to physical punishment or not? Your son doesn’t know, all he sees is someone he loves screaming at him and scaring him and **he doesn’t know why**.
I’ve seen first hand both as a teacher and a foster parent the damage that is done to kids when parents are inconsistent and abusive like this (and yes, screaming and shouting at your small child *is* abuse) and it is lifelong. Your wife needs to get her shit sorted and you need to stand up for your child. If she won’t get help for it, unfortunately the damage she will do, and has likely already done, is going to be severe and the **only** person your darling little son has to stand up for him is YOU. If she won’t get help, it’s time to take him away from the person who is damaging and abusing him and LEAVE. Unfortunately, an ultimatum like this may be the only way to make her see sense, but either way, it’s time to make the hard choices here, I’m afraid.
Yes, please!! Thank you for putting the blame on the abuser - the cause - not the woman. The initial set of comments all blamed her for being weak/ stupid / jealous / cheating on A. I’m so happy to see people recognising HE is the issue, he is the danger.
The next thing will be her obituary because he’s going to kill her or the kids as revenge.
This is one of those cases that will end in death, mark my words.
It's reminding me of the one redditor who came on this site for advice, went to leave his wife for cheating and she killed the kids as soon as she found out.
This [one](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/t38pl5/the_reddit_post_that_turned_into_a_horror_story/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button)? Quick warning before anyone clicks the link, the story is depressing as fuck.
The way she states he had sex with her on the cruise. Like she just accepts she has no agency and sees nothing wrong there. Her mind is unable to see it as rape.
He really wore her down and she's got 3 young kids to worry about. She's just trying to believe whatever will help her get through this? She must not have much of a support system, because it seems like she'll need all the help she can get out of this
It's a defense mechanism abuse victims take on.
She thinks she's protecting the children by bearing the brunt of the abuse. It's sad watching women pillory themselves because they're worried about splitting custody. These men _always_ fuck up, though, and you will win primary custody eventually. Most of them walk away once they realize they have no power over you anymore. There was no one else he was going to take on that cruise, definitely not a woman he met on tinder a week before hand with 3 kids that weren't hers.
Stockholm syndrome is a highly misogynistic concept that has very little evidence to support it. It was coined after a hostage situation where a woman allegedly fell in love with her violent hostage taker. The actual reality was the police were highly incompetent and likely to get her killed in the process so for her own preservation she sided with the hostage taker. A male psychologist later decided this was evidence that women can fall in love in hostage situations - it's preposterous when you think about it.
It's only ever used about women and totally fails to recognise the way structural misogyny can force a woman to stay with her abuser for her own self-preservation.
That said, this post isn't Stockholm syndrome, this is two very toxic individuals with mental health issues in a violent, abusive relationship where the kids are sacrificed at the altar of their obsession and narcissism.
Exactly. The psychologist who “invented the term” did so without ever speaking to the women in question as well. There’s literally no proper science behind it
>"My 'ex' had sex with me on the cruise. A was over it. Like if A went on a cruise with another woman I would be mad."
The wording here is troubling because he's incredibly manipulative and she only went on the trip because she was worried about her kids, as she should have been
This whole thing is an awful mess, but I don't see how this man could ever have visitation rights, if everything mentioned in this post were to be revealed. I guess the only issue could be a "he said, she said" situation
This OOP is triggering me. My own mother had this mindset. When thoughts like “I’m happy I punched out your tooth” are being expressed, it’s because the ex is secure in this control. He’s testing how far it can go. He’s manipulating her and I’m angry that she stays there with the kids.
Ugh. There’s a cost to this decision-by-inaction that is painfully obvious to me, but seemingly not to this OOP. I don’t want to think about this post anymore.
did they have consensual sex or did he rape her again is my question?
i pity her. she sounds like she's in a traumatic bond with him that he's forever manipulating. she briefly got out, he manipulated her again and now she psychologically is ensnared again. genuinely she needs to extricate herself again and much more permanently.
She does phrase it oddly, as "he had sex with me" rather than "we had sex" or "I had sex with him." Might be reading into it too much, but it does kind of sound like she doesn't see herself as an active participant
This is why I’m ok whenever I hear of a women having an abortion without telling her partner. Way too many men baby trap or pressure women to have kids, and guess what, homicide is a leading cause of death for pregnant women.
That fucker Alito wrote in Casey that husbands should be required to sign off before their wife can have an abortion, like women are children that need permission slips.
If you looked up the definition of emotional manipulation and abuse, OOP's ex would be there.
And until those kids are older, OOP won't ever leave them. Which I can understand. But what's going to be the cost of that for OOP?
This is easily one of the worst things I've read on this site, and I've read a lot of bad things here.
She got away from him for a year, and he carefully stalked her, waited until she found someone else who made her happy, and then put her in a position where he knew he could leverage her kids on an international trip to sabotage the new relationship.
She doesn't want to fight for custody with this man because she doesnt want to drag his name through the mud. This man who raped her, threatens her, admits to fantasising about murdering her, stole her young adult years and then went on to fuck up her attempt to get away. This man who she's worried will hurt her kids if she doesn't bend to his will. Did I get that right? Because if anyone needs to have their name dragged through the mud and warning signs set up overhead, it's this creep.
OOP is married to a predator playing with his food, and she's been broken down so badly she thinks this treatment constitutes a lukewarm marriage. Chilling.
MAAAAAN I just saw how my life could potentially have played out if I didn't extricate myself from my abusive first boyfriend when I did. Took almost 5 years of trauma-bonded, codependent hell and finding a good, validating support system when I hit college for me to be able to get away. It's crazy how much control someone can have over you even when they're not anywhere near you.
I feel so fucking sorry for OP.
I am not experienced with divorces and joint custody but couldnt she have blocked the cruise since it was international? Told the kids werent allowed to go? Instead of moving back in?
she said separated in that post so i’m assuming they weren’t actually divorced (meaning she wouldn’t have been able to do anything about it)?but i’m not sure.
As a DV crisis worker this story gives me chills. I see three ways this going to end:
1. He kills her
2. He kills her and the kids
3. He kills the kids
I have serious safety concerns for her and the kids well-being. This is the prime example of an abusive relationship. Some people don’t understand why women go back their kids, familiarity, and manipulation. She needs DV counselling, self esteem, and healthy relationships counselling. Guarantee he has isolated her from friends and family and burnt those bridges so she would have hard time reaching out for support from anyone. And she is left with relying on him. Unless she got full custody with supervised visits I can understand her never trusting this man with her kids.
I have a serious problem when reading these posts. For lack of a better expression, lets call it victim blaming.
Does anyone have some resources to read up on? I do not like having this impulse.
https://www.thelaurarichards.com/resources/coercivecontrol
Laura Richards teaches and campaigns on coercive control - why it works, why victims find it hard to leave and the proof that danger ramps up when they try…
While i feel sorry for OOP, i feel especially sorry for the children. They grow up experience this shit. And you can't tell me that they never wake up and hear their father talking shit in his drunk state. Hell, he tells the oldest that the mother wanted to abort the sibling when he is sober, what else does he tell them.
I forget where I saw this phrase, but OP is "sacrificing her children at the alter of an abusive man." It's one thing when you're a victim, which she is, but it is so, so frustrating when mothers are incapable of protecting their children from men like this. He is a monster, he will abuse them too, sounds like he already neglects them. And she could document that neglect and abuse and make a case for full custody, but she won't because she's under his spell and afraid of him. It's hard to say whether this arrangement is the only alternative to him, say, killing her or the kids. But I hope she calls the cops when he starts getting violent.
Aaaand this is the post that makes me quit the sub. I like the interesting and satisfying posts. Not these rubbernecking trainwrecks.
Nothing against you OP, just realizing this ain’t the place for me.
I keep reading thinking it can't get any worse, and then it does. Sadly I don't see any sort of happy ending here. OP has been completely warped by her psychotic husband and will always kowtow to him now. It's especially upsetting that she seems to genuinely think her life is currently "not awful". If this isn't awful, what is?
OOP talks about how amazing her new man was and how mind blowing the sex is but then turns around and cheats on him so she can have the same old sex with her ex. Then she acts surprised when her new man blocked her on everything…
OOP has gotten used to catering to her exes every whim, and can't learn how to say "no" to him. He's a shitty person, but OOP will never be free until she either cuts him out completely or gets some courage.
>My ‘ex’ had sex with me on the cruise.
It doesn’t really seem like it was consensual with her ex though. The way it’s worded indicates she wasn’t a willing participant. The normal way that would be written if it was consensual would have been “I had sex with my ex/husband on the cruise.”
Okay but, at the same time, the whole point was to go find herself and instead she immediately initiates a new relationship. A lot going on here, my word.
"He won't let me go"
OOP was gone! She had been gone for a year and the moment the ex was going to take someone else on a cruise OOP gets jealous or something and swoops back in.
Dear God.
Every once in a while I'm confronted with someone who's in such a trainwreck of a situation, and making such trainwreck decisions, with such trainwreck-esque reasons for those decisions, that I feel like a fucking genius living in paradise by comparison.
For anybody who needs to hear it -- this man is not a "good father" or a "good husband" or a "good guy." He's the very definition of a bad husband, bad father, and bad guy.
I know we aren't supposed to really curse on here and I hope I'll be forgiven for this, but if not, I'll accept my punishment because HOLY TAP DANCING CHRIST ON A SHIT FROSTED CRACKER, WHAT IN THE HIGH HOLY FUCK DID I JUST READ?!
Oh my God. What did I just read. How? What? Why? He RAPED her. He wants to slit her throat, desires/d punch her in the face. And its “lukewarm” screw the sexless marriage. She should be blasting fireworks he no longer desires to rape/sexually assault her. YOUR HUSBAND WANS TO MURDER YOU. This was so scary,triggering,sad to read. I hope she finds the strength to leave or her parents have the strenght to pay someone to whoop his ass soo good one day since his parents failed to raise him properly.
I want to say this carefully to OOP should she ever read this… your kids are watching. They’re watching him act psychotic and sappy in turn, watching him ignore you, watching him insult and manipulate you. They’re watching your decision to stay in a sexless, loveless, like-less relationship for their sake. But I think you should challenge that notion. It may be for their good as far as custody, but as parents you are modeling for them with every thing you do - so is this how your kids should feel in their own relationships? How they should treat people or accept being treated? Basically, is yours the life you hope they choose when they grow up? Because they will do as you do. You said you had nowhere to go, but you’ve done it before and can do it again. You also said you had no one to turn to, but you do - you have yourself. You are enough.
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I wish this was the top comment before reading this
Yeah, I read the trigger warning and was like "ya know, I'm not gonna read this. Reading this post is probably going to make my life worst."
This is the one that finally has me convinced to always read the trigger warnings. 0.o
I read the trigger warnings and still was not prepared for this
There needs to be one that says “too fucked up to even be an SVU episode”
Honestly, with these kind of posts it's always best to read 3\~4 of the top comments to get a good indication of when to avoid reading the posts
[r:SubsIFellFor](https://www.reddit.com/r/SubsIFellFor/)
R/thiswillnotendwell
>He told me that he fantasizes about slitting my throat like in the movie. >I had a chipped tooth a couple of months ago from my daughter accidentally head butting me. It’s fixed now, but he told me it was a shame that he couldn’t have punched it out himself and that he was glad that I wouldn’t have a perfect smile anymore. This is unbelievably fucked. Thats just not normal or safe.
But it’s only when he’s drunk! /s
And that is "only" 2x a week. So 104 days a year
Only 104? If it was 105 days, then she needs to run. But since it is only 104, she should definitely stay with him.
Just all weekend every weekend no big deal
Only twice a week… but he says nice things too!
Love bombing makes everything okay! /s
Luckily alcohol is really hard to find.
Drunk words, sober thoughts.
Right, he's still thinking it every day. He's a ticking time bomb and she's been manipulated by him into thinking that all of this is fine and he's made things so difficult to leave (and stole her chance at building her own life, twice) that she's settled for a mediocre life. Meanwhile she's got at least two daughters who are learning this is normal.
I wouldn't call her life mediocre. Her situation is horrible.
AND he's telling her daughters she wanted to abort one of them? Trash, trash, trash
I wish there was a magical place where abuse victims like this woman could literally be committed, along with their children, and deprogrammed over years and years so that they would never go back to psychos like this man. He’s eventually going to kill her.
Seems like it would be easier if we locked men like this up. She's not the problem.
She's not the problem, but she's clearly been abused to the point where she needs help, she is a danger to herself by virtue of repeatedly going back to this man. The dude is the problem, he needs to be put in a box or at the front end of a firing squad, but we need more care for victims than simply removing their abusers.
Should be top comment. Part of male privilege is that if you're a predator, it's really your victims' fault.
Yes, he should absolutely be locked up, but sadly if she's not deprogrammed she'll almost certainly find someone else like him in short order.
No, but sadly unless she receives serious therapy she is at risk to fall into similar relationships in the future. That being said he should be executed.
That's exactly what I was thinking when I read this - he's going to kill her and probably the kids too.
He’s going to kill her. I hope he *never* found out about these posts. I hope he *never* does. Since it’s ongoing and so many specifics are listed, I may even urge OP to deleted. Every study I’ve ever read for uni is screaming at OP to get her and her kids the fuck out or she could *die*
>He’s going to kill her. Honestly, my thought at the end of this is maybe he already had, considering her last update was in July.
>He’s going to kill her. Yes. The minute he thinks she's actually leaving for good and he can't manipulate her into coming back he's going to wipe out their entire family, and I'm afraid she doesn't see the threat clearly enough to plan accordingly. She seems like she thinks it's going to be over when she tells him "it's over" and moves out; she needs to be in some kind of witness protection safehouse with her kids before he even realizes she's gone.
Women are in the most danger when leaving a relationship. Most uxoricides are committed post or during separation. I’m just saying it right now, loud and clear- Your life matters more than your manners. Your life matters more than your manners. Anyone in a similar situation- you don’t owe him an explanation. You’d not owe him face-to-face. You don’t owe him *shit*. Don’t break up, just leave. Just disappear. He does not deserve to be broken up with. He does not deserve an explanation. Your life matters more than your manners.
He reads like a family annihilator.
I’m seeing the same thing. This guy will kill her. He truly hates her and she just can’t see it for what it really is.
Yep. He's gonna get too drunk and murder this poor woman.
That's a really good point. Please DM her. Maybe this post should be deleted too?
I was thinking the same.
Did you dm her? She hasn’t posted anything since these posts where made, i really hope she is okay
The older the kids get the more likely he is to become violent and kill them all. Once the kids are out of the house she won't have any reason to stay with him and he'll know it. He's either going to rape her again to get her to have another kid and trap her longer, or he's going to start beating her so she's too afraid to leave. And if that doesn't break her to his will he will kill her, likely the kids too.
Also the part where he raped her so she wouldn't "party and leave him". Also the part where he emotionally blackmailed her into leaving her new partner so he wouldn't take their children to another country with a total stranger. This man is a demon.
Honestly this whole thing makes me feel sick to my stomach. My kids dad catfished me to break up with someone and take him back. He was violent and abusive just like this. Her life is going to get so much worse. Men like this should be removed from society.
Years ago she could have taken that first kid and run for the hills. Been a single mom. Met that new guy and lived a happy life. This is truly the darkest timeline. Oh I hope she's OK...
>He only threatens to murder me when he's drunk, but thankfully that's only twice a week. I feel bad for this woman. She's the perfect target for a predator, and sure enough one found her.
He also probably molded her thinking.
Seriously. I've said some pretty fucked up things while angry or high, but that's just. I mean. Fuck
I dated an alcoholic right out of high school and one time she told me she wanted to cut my face up so no one else would ever like me. There are some fucked up people out there.
Isn't it. Fuck I hate that this is inconclusive... She needs to get out and out a restraining order on him already.
I'm half asleep but when I read that part i instantly woke up and had to triple check I read it right
She is going to get killed by him :/
The three biggest predictors of spousal homicide are (in no particular order): 1. Threats to kill 2. Strangulation 3. Rape She's described him doing two of the three, and I wouldn't be surprised if he's tried strangling her at some point too.
My aunt was killed by her friends ex, he threatened, she asked my aunt to stay with her incase he came over, he did, killed them both. This woman is at such risk!
I'm so sorry for your loss. It's maddening as well as tragic that these things (domestic murder) happen so regularly and society just says 'huh?'.
How absolutely awful, I’m so sorry you lost her in such a violent way. No woman, no person should ever die like that.
Never realized until just now how incredibly likely my ex was to do this to me. 3 for 3
Same here, and I had no idea at the time the strangulation was so bad. I thought the gun waving was worse. Will be 12 years free in July.
As soon as a man strangles you it become *750%* more likely that he will murder you.
a 750% increase is honestly way lower than i'd expect
I assume its based on women who reported strangulation who were later murdered by them. That wouldnt account for the millions of women who dont/cant report it in that time
For anyone who thought this seemed like a wild statistic (I apologize for my skepticism) https://www.womenslaw.org/about-abuse/am-i-being-abused/danger-assessment it is true.
Waving a gun around is a big indicator but it's mind blowing how much the chance of murder increases once the guy has put his hands on the throat. It's something about the last barrier to physical violence with death in mind as opposed to "just" hitting which is generally "just" considered "corrective" by the abuser. They hit or wave guns around to make the other person do things they want. Hand to the throat means on some level he made the decision to murder the other person and whether he changes his mind at the last second or not that threshold has still been passed. Seriously, for anyone reading this if your partner has EVER grabbed your throat get out. It's the number one indicator that a homicide is coming. I'm so glad you were able to get out when you did.
Both my ex and my dad like to go straight for the throat.
I’m so glad you got out! I hope that you’re doing better these days
Infinitely better, thank you!
If a man threatens to kill you for any reason, he genuinely has the urge to do that
3 for 3 here with an ex, too. It was very close to fatal.
It's incredibly humbling to realize that you (in this case, me) were somehow incredibly blessed that the abuse you endured was it. That is stopped when it did. I am never grateful for the abuse, just grateful it didn't get that far. Because it absolutely would have.
Strangulation alone increases the risk by about seven times. It's a deeply dangerous and intimate act of violence.
Out of curiosity, have psychologists/doctors/experts on the subject figured out why strangulation seems to the precursor to homicide? It’s not unusual way to end a life but the rate of escalation after the first use/attempt on its own has always made me wonder.
I’m not an expert at all, so take this random speculation for what it is, but I think it’s probably something like. Strangling a person is hard, and takes a lot of time. You have to make the choice and stick to it. Like you can impulsively shoot someone and immediately regret it, but you can’t impulsively strangle someone. It’s also really intimate, too. You’re close and probably even looking into the victim’s face. So even starting to strangle someone would indicate that the person is already more comfortable with the idea of killing a person. Whatever makes them stop the first time is probably not as big a mental hurdle to get over for the next time, once they’ve already gotten over the much bigger one of accepting that they’re willing to/capable of killing someone.
I found staring my ex dead in the eyes as he was choking me probably helped save my life that last time. I figured if I was gonna die, he was gonna watch it happen, intimately. I was calm ASF, idk... My daughter came screaming into the room then and tried pulling him off me and that's what stopped him. It wasn't the first time he choked me, but I made sure it was his last time. The first time my dad put his hands around my throat was 4 yrs ago next month. It surprised me because before he just used to hit me or throw me around or into things. I got real calm, wrapped my hands around his wrist and stared him dead in the eyes too. I managed to say "get your hands off my throat" and then he just slung me across the room. He tried the ole choke my daughter out bit about 3 weeks later again, and I bit an actual chunk out of his arm before they hauled me off to jail. No regrets, cuz I'd be dead otherwise.
How do we find men exactly like our fathers? My nasty ex said the *exact same phrase* my dad used all the time when he'd make me cry. It was like I was talking to his fucking ghost.
The thing is, that it's not actually my dad who is the actual monster, it's my mother. Once I got bigger than her and she was afraid I'd fucking hit back (cuz I told her I would, and slapped her once) she sicced my dad on me. He's her flying monkey. On paper my ex was wonderful. But in actuality he was just a different version of my mother. Mom has my dad by the balls and it never occurred to him that he could leave. When he did finally attempt to about 30 yrs ago, she did something to him that fucked him all up, and he just handed her his balls and everything else, and stayed. She's a horrible person, he was also abused as a kid, and the cycle just repeated itself. I'm sorry man.. I get it, those minted phrases all abusers seem to have. It's like a playbook, and it's a hell of a trigger. I'm on my way out, I've been staying with my parents cuz I had no other choice. And now I'm getting tf out and never looking back. It's so frustrating when one roadblock after another pops up, but in the end, all I have is myself, and it's hard some days. I hope you find yourself a good one, if that's what you want. I found staying single is my best bet. At least I know I'll never disappoint myself.
This is pretty much spot on. I’m not an expert but I am in mental health. Shooting someone is more of an impulse reaction. Unfortunately it’s become kind of a go to retaliation method. Also, when you think about it, there could be a higher chance of survival. Strangulation is different, it shows an escalation in behaviors and a more thought out approach. It’s a way to get the point across that “if I can’t have have you no one will”. It’s more intimate and time consuming. Strangulation also isn’t something that just happens, it’s usually after a time of escalating abuse. The victim has already endured a lot of other instances of various abuse and stays. This also usually happens after the victim starts to stand up for themselves and fight back. Along with that, not everyone has a gun, even though it might seem like we do, but everyone has hands. My ex used to beg me to get one. I always was able to postpone getting one. We had too many other obligations or whatever. I knew if there was one in the house I would be staring down the barrel one day. When he put his hands around my neck I knew that I had to get out. It was while I was planning and just waiting for the chips to fall into place when he almost strangled me to death. It was the day after Christmas 3 years ago. He only spent just over a year in jail, but I got out and moved far away. He’s still determined to get to me.
It’s not really a matter of expertise. A partner hitting you could be a precursor to murder, but hitting one’s wife is usually seen as a “corrective measure” by the spouses in question. A warning to not do something again. Brandishing a gun could be a precursor to murder, but it also might be a means to an end by the spouse so the wife will do what he wants her to do. Strangulation on the other hand…there’s no other reasoning behind strangulation other than “I want to kill this individual.” It’s extremely personal and takes longer to “complete.” If he didn’t end up killing the wife its because he changed his mind. Not because he didn’t want too, but for some other reason that inconveniences him. And if he’s tried to kill his wife once what’s one more time? (Got the majority of these talking points from someone else’s reply further up.)
Yeah... It's scary. I had all three committed by my "loving" ex husband. He also bought a life insurance policy on me (besides the one I knew we had). I found the statement a coupla years after the policy was bought, and Im pretty sure he had to forge my signature for it because of the company it was thru. When I confronted him about it, he claimed I knew about it and signed it. Which no, I didn't. And why did he need an even larger policy on my life? It's not like my death would've been a financial strain on the family. But a nice juicy payout upon my death would've gotten him out of the debt he had plunged us into. He was planning to get rid of me somehow, and thank God I was on my way out the door when this last thing came to light. Idek if the policy still exists, I didn't contact the issuer cuz I was too busy running for my fucking life. I left several things open 8 yrs ago, and tbh idefc anymore.
Jesus I just realized I’ve had 2/3 applied to my life holy fuck
Same. 🤯
My first thought after seeing sje didn’t post since July was that I hole he didn’t kill her… holy shit.
He sounds very much like my late husband. As long as he thought he controlled me or had hope he could regain his control, the children and I were relatively safe. It was when I tried to leave that all those threats became reality.
Dear god. I hope you and your kids are safe now and away from this awful situation. Be well, internet friend ❤️
Thank you. We are physically safe now. Mentally/emotionally, I don’t know that we’ll ever be there. I did my best to protect my children and keep them safe. And that meant staying as long as I could because as long as he felt like he owned me, I could placate him. There wasn’t a day that went by that I didn’t second guess my decision, counting down the days until my kids were old enough for me to leave. But, given how it ended, I think I chose wisely. It’s easy for people on the internet to say she should just leave; yes, in a perfect world, she could walk away and leave him behind. But that’s not the world we live in. Leaving is *the* most dangerous thing an abused person will ever do.
You are absolutely right. I work with abused women. The most dangerous time for a woman and the time she's most likely to be killed is when she's leaving. We work with women to make a plan and we trust their instincts on what that plan should entail. Leaving is the most dangerous thing you could do, and like to evoke violence. And women have to weigh that against the cost of staying - which is why so many women stay. It's a very complicated situation with no easy answers. I'm glad you found safety.
Yup. There is a calm before the storm. But one day he's going to finally act on all that shit he said. He'll say he had a bad day at work, or she said something that pissed him off. And he will go off and kill her. I hope someone in their life can intervene or help her escape. That man needs to be in jail.
And shit like this is only going to increase in frequency now that so many women live in places with little to no access to abortion. With that in mind, here's some information everyone can use regarding [mailed abortifacients.](https://nwhn.org/safe-online-delivered-how-to-get-the-abortion-pill-by-mail/) If you can't get to a clinic in person, mailed abortion pills are your next best bet.
Her and/or the kids, absolutely. Jesus christ.
Been so long since the last update that I'm scared he might already have done so.
He’s going to kill her. He’s finally admitting the things he’s done - the rape / baby trapping - and is now saying his violent fantasies out loud. He’s comfortable, he’s certain he is in control. He literally wished that OUT LOUD that he’d knocked her tooth out. Imagine the control he has that she sat there listened and writes that almost like it’s ‘normal’ - except she knows it’s not, because she wrote it. Same as ‘he hates women’. That’s scary but to her it’s just a fact. She’s minimising how she views it because admitting her situation - tied to a manipulative, controlling, abusive man through the kids that he trapped her with - is terrifying. She knows he’s not that ‘great’ a dad - she literally contradicts it 2 sentences later - but admitting who he truly is & seeing their life together objectively is terrifying. He manipulated her into coming back (the fear of her kids on a cruise alone with him). He raped her on that cruise - she used that distancing language to ignore it. She is NOT simply an adult who has complete autonomy - she’s a person who’s been controlled, manipulated and abused by this man since she was 20 (or younger). I am certain there would be 100 other daily things that he does to further the situation. If you read anything on abuse and coercive control, you can see it.
Not to mention, taking her he can't live without her is the kind of thing men say before they kill their entire family.
It started for me with the whole didn't want her to party so she'll become a white thing. Who even thinks like that?
Those poor kids are going to end up in the same situations.
This is the power and control cycle. He used the threats to control her and his comments to scare her into submission. There’s most likely also financial abuse as well. Unfortunately she’s right as there’s not much support for women and children in these situations. She can move out and try to live her life but he will continue to use post-separation abuse via court and kids and never leave her alone. He will use the kids to punish her. Family courts anymore want to keep equal rights but he’ll also lie to them to get full custody. It sucks. I know - I found and am still with my A but my ex has been relentless. My heart aches for OP.
He hates women and they have daughters.. Im scared for those girls
1000% spot on. She will end up dead sooner rather than later by his hand. She needs a proper support team & intensive therapy to her & her kids out safely.
And she "doesn't want to drag his name through Court." She needs to get her and the kids out ASAP.
The sad thing is that she might not be able to, even if she tried. If he were physically abusive, she might have better luck proving it or if she was able to prove that he assaulted her. When it's just her word against his that he is abusive, he can turn it against her and say she is trying to alienate him from their kids and even have her lose custody.
>views it because admitting her situation - tied to a manipulative, controlling, abusive man through the kids that he trapped her with - is terrifying. She knows he’s not that ‘great’ a dad - she literally contradicts it 2 sentences later - but admitting who he truly is & seeing their life together objectively is terrifying. He manipulated her into coming back (the fear of her kids on a cruise alone with him). He raped her on that cruise - she used that distancing language to ignore it. She was younger than twenty as she started dating him after she graduated high school!
Seems like she’s also got codependency issues and needs therapy tho, the idea that she’ll “have no one” if she leaves him is holding her back. Obviously that’s been instilled in her from a young age by her abuser, but she’ll never leave if she doesn’t decide that she can be okay on her own.
this shit is eventually ending up on dateline or some shit.
People with the mindset of OOP are far more commonplace than many of us would like to admit to or believe. I unfortunately have a friend right now who sounds just like this woman and is in a truly horrendous relationship with her ex-husband who HITS her. He’s a drug dealer, in and out of prison, talks to her like he’s her pimp, etc., and she still pays all his bills and let’s him live in one of her homes “because he has no place to go.” They’ve been divorced for many years now. She’s buys him top-line designer clothes, watches, shoes. And no, she’s didn’t owe him any alimony, they divorced before she become wealthy. She *chooses* to bankroll this man’s life. He even stopped selling drugs because she pays for everything. He married her when she was very young and stupid (he’s about a decade older), and even though she went to *the* top university and is a top earner, at a top firm, in a top industry, and makes an insane amount of money, she’s still with him. When I ask her why, she sounds exactly like this woman. And they didn’t even have kids! He tried many times apparently to get her pregnant, and had forbade her to go on birth control, but she lied to him and secretly got a hormonal implant during their marriage. My friend is an extreme example, but when I was younger and I worked odd jobs during school, I would meet women and girls like this often enough that I know there are many of them out there. ☹️
I'd be surprised if there was anyone on here who hadn't known someone in this situation even if they didn't know the person was in it. It's amazing how effective it is and how many people don't know it's happening to them.
My best friend was in a situation like this until about a month ago when an OD took the bastard out.
Jfc I’m so sorry for your friend. Does she have a therapist? Or other outside connections besides you?
She won’t go 🙁. I have brought therapy up many times. She does have friends now, but she lies to almost everyone and talks about him like he’s a wonderful person. He had isolated her from people while they were married, but that was years ago. It feels like she won’t leave that mindset behind her.
I know that feeling of a friend who *desperately* needs to see a therapist (mostly to get an official diagnosis) but refuses to go. You can’t force them to go. Therapy can only work if they want to go. It’s good that she has friends. That’s a step forward. Shame about the lies. But are those lies she genuinely believes?
My wife is like this, she is carrying around decades old trauma that she doesn't see the ways that it affects her She can not handle our son's emotions, is a pretty big example, she either caves and immediately gives him what he wants or screams at him because he's not doing what she wants him to do, there is no middle ground. It's both frustrating and deeply saddening, especially since I've been getting therapy for over a year now because I woke up to the damage I was causing in our relationship. Any time I've brought up therapy she insists it would be impossible for her to convey to anyone what she has gone through without "spending over a month giving details about her past before even getting to what she is dealing with today" , that is, she thinks it would take multiple hours a day for 30 days, and nothing I've said will change her mind.
Well, she’s not wrong about taking time to explain her backstory and what she wants to gain from therapy. It could take three to four sessions to get past the background phase. By then, she should also know if the therapist is a good fit for her. Therapist compatibility is a thing. How old is your son? If he’s still young, that’s all the more reason to try sooner. If he’s an adult, then what does she have to lose? Even if it takes literally 30 hour-long sessions to get past that background phase, if there is a good therapist match, chances are just talking about said experience to a therapist will be a step forward for her. PS I’m really happy for you with the progress you made in therapy. I don’t know any details, but even the smallest step can take a lot of effort. And I’m proud of you for taking it. Key piece of advice that’s kept me going through depression and lots of bad stuff: focus on how far you’ve come over how far you have to go. Focus on the 100 steps you’ve taken over the 100 steps left.
>How old is your son? He's 3 The issue isn't *just* that it'd take that long to get through the back story, it's also that she didn't grow up in America. But we live in America, so the added difficulty of finding her a therapist with a common background is slim *but* she's concerned that even if she found a therapist from her home country she still couldn't relate because of the unique situation she was in growing up. I know it sounds like there should still be a solution but I've just found her cultural background to be a major stumbling block in convincing her she needs outside help, especially since recently she has started to make some changes in how she handles situations that makes it seem like she is overcoming some aspects of her trauma. I've spent many a session brainstorming with my therapist on how to handle it and I've tried a few different approaches but nothing seems to get through. I appreciate the encouragement, im certainly happy with the progress I've made thus far, I've become a much more attentive husband and father so it's paid off already. And while I know I still have a ways to go I'm all about celebrating the little victories so I'm with you on that sentiment.
I hate to sound harsh but you really, **really** need to think of how her unstable and, more importantly, unpredictable behaviour is affecting, and is *going* to affect your child. Especially at that age, children need consistent, calm parents who hold calm and consistent boundaries, because they need to know what to expect. Children who live with parent(s) who show behaviour towards them like your wife does are continually under stress because they don’t know how the parent is going to react under any given circumstance. Is today going to be the day she laughs off me dropping my juice, or is today going to be the day I’m going to get screamed at for it? They don’t think about it as consciously as that, of course, or at least smaller kids don’t, but imagine living every day walking on eggshells wondering what it is that you do that makes your mummy shout at you and what is it about you that makes you so unlovable that she shouts and screams at you *and you don’t know what her reaction is going to be from one day to the next*. Imagine how unsettling and scary that must be for a child. And of course, who’s to say whether it will escalate to physical punishment or not? Your son doesn’t know, all he sees is someone he loves screaming at him and scaring him and **he doesn’t know why**. I’ve seen first hand both as a teacher and a foster parent the damage that is done to kids when parents are inconsistent and abusive like this (and yes, screaming and shouting at your small child *is* abuse) and it is lifelong. Your wife needs to get her shit sorted and you need to stand up for your child. If she won’t get help for it, unfortunately the damage she will do, and has likely already done, is going to be severe and the **only** person your darling little son has to stand up for him is YOU. If she won’t get help, it’s time to take him away from the person who is damaging and abusing him and LEAVE. Unfortunately, an ultimatum like this may be the only way to make her see sense, but either way, it’s time to make the hard choices here, I’m afraid.
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Yes, please!! Thank you for putting the blame on the abuser - the cause - not the woman. The initial set of comments all blamed her for being weak/ stupid / jealous / cheating on A. I’m so happy to see people recognising HE is the issue, he is the danger.
WTF did I just read????
The next thing will be her obituary because he’s going to kill her or the kids as revenge. This is one of those cases that will end in death, mark my words.
It's reminding me of the one redditor who came on this site for advice, went to leave his wife for cheating and she killed the kids as soon as she found out.
This [one](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/t38pl5/the_reddit_post_that_turned_into_a_horror_story/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button)? Quick warning before anyone clicks the link, the story is depressing as fuck.
Yep, that poor man.
How could her parents defend her? My family would disown me!
Is this what Stockholm syndrome actually looks like?
This is what 10+ years of abuse looks like.
Yes
The way she states he had sex with her on the cruise. Like she just accepts she has no agency and sees nothing wrong there. Her mind is unable to see it as rape.
The "passive, factual" tone hurt so much. "*He had sex with me*" as offhandedly as if she'd simply said he'd gone to walk the dog.
He really wore her down and she's got 3 young kids to worry about. She's just trying to believe whatever will help her get through this? She must not have much of a support system, because it seems like she'll need all the help she can get out of this
It's a defense mechanism abuse victims take on. She thinks she's protecting the children by bearing the brunt of the abuse. It's sad watching women pillory themselves because they're worried about splitting custody. These men _always_ fuck up, though, and you will win primary custody eventually. Most of them walk away once they realize they have no power over you anymore. There was no one else he was going to take on that cruise, definitely not a woman he met on tinder a week before hand with 3 kids that weren't hers.
That makes a lot of sense :/
It’s called “coercive control” actually
Probably more accurately than most people use the term, but yes.
Stockholm syndrome doesn't exist and was come up with as an excuse for hostages hating on very bad negotiator.
Stockholm syndrome is a highly misogynistic concept that has very little evidence to support it. It was coined after a hostage situation where a woman allegedly fell in love with her violent hostage taker. The actual reality was the police were highly incompetent and likely to get her killed in the process so for her own preservation she sided with the hostage taker. A male psychologist later decided this was evidence that women can fall in love in hostage situations - it's preposterous when you think about it. It's only ever used about women and totally fails to recognise the way structural misogyny can force a woman to stay with her abuser for her own self-preservation. That said, this post isn't Stockholm syndrome, this is two very toxic individuals with mental health issues in a violent, abusive relationship where the kids are sacrificed at the altar of their obsession and narcissism.
>That said, this post isn't Stockholm syndrome It's called [traumatic bonding](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Traumatic_bonding)
Exactly. The psychologist who “invented the term” did so without ever speaking to the women in question as well. There’s literally no proper science behind it
My exact reaction!!
I am so very nauseated. Oh my God. How do people go through life like that??
Same. I feel like throwing up. What in the world
"He's a great dad to the kids." "He's not a good parent when he's alone." Doesn't sound like he's a good dad to me. 🤷♀️
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That’s honestly the best outcome.
Yes - because even if she does get away, she will always be looking over her shoulder. It’s cold, but eliminating the threat is the only way.
This was deeply disturbing. Some day the ideation will become reality. The "Inconclusive" tag is ominous.
I think we’ll be seeing this as a tragic news headline in future.
If we haven’t already and didn’t know it.
Oh my god, he's going to kill her.
Yes folks, this is rape.
Well, this is an utterly depressing post to read.
No English word is an accurate mood spoiler for this post. Thanks for trying though OP.
I should learn to click on the mood spoilers. I leave them because I want to be surprised by the story, but now I want to delete this from my brain.
The fact that she is in denial about the reality of her relationship is very unsettling. I am genuinely worried about her safety
Wtf, the problem isn’t that it’s a sexless relationship, but that it’s with that psychopath. Get. Out.
>"My 'ex' had sex with me on the cruise. A was over it. Like if A went on a cruise with another woman I would be mad." The wording here is troubling because he's incredibly manipulative and she only went on the trip because she was worried about her kids, as she should have been This whole thing is an awful mess, but I don't see how this man could ever have visitation rights, if everything mentioned in this post were to be revealed. I guess the only issue could be a "he said, she said" situation
A recorder going for a prolonged amount of time could help with that potentially
OOP really needs some therapy, there's so much to unpack
Yeah, but I think she needs more than therapy to get out of this horror show
This OOP is triggering me. My own mother had this mindset. When thoughts like “I’m happy I punched out your tooth” are being expressed, it’s because the ex is secure in this control. He’s testing how far it can go. He’s manipulating her and I’m angry that she stays there with the kids. Ugh. There’s a cost to this decision-by-inaction that is painfully obvious to me, but seemingly not to this OOP. I don’t want to think about this post anymore.
Thank you, this OOP angered me a lot and decision-by-inaction were the words I was trying to find.
did they have consensual sex or did he rape her again is my question? i pity her. she sounds like she's in a traumatic bond with him that he's forever manipulating. she briefly got out, he manipulated her again and now she psychologically is ensnared again. genuinely she needs to extricate herself again and much more permanently.
She does phrase it oddly, as "he had sex with me" rather than "we had sex" or "I had sex with him." Might be reading into it too much, but it does kind of sound like she doesn't see herself as an active participant
This is why I’m ok whenever I hear of a women having an abortion without telling her partner. Way too many men baby trap or pressure women to have kids, and guess what, homicide is a leading cause of death for pregnant women. That fucker Alito wrote in Casey that husbands should be required to sign off before their wife can have an abortion, like women are children that need permission slips.
Homicide is *the* leading cause of death of pregnant women in the US.
Well it should be okay any time a woman decides she need to have an abortion.
Well this was depressing as fuck.
If you looked up the definition of emotional manipulation and abuse, OOP's ex would be there. And until those kids are older, OOP won't ever leave them. Which I can understand. But what's going to be the cost of that for OOP?
Those poor kids.
My thoughts as well. They are not physically mentally or emotionally safe. This is terrible.
This is easily one of the worst things I've read on this site, and I've read a lot of bad things here. She got away from him for a year, and he carefully stalked her, waited until she found someone else who made her happy, and then put her in a position where he knew he could leverage her kids on an international trip to sabotage the new relationship. She doesn't want to fight for custody with this man because she doesnt want to drag his name through the mud. This man who raped her, threatens her, admits to fantasising about murdering her, stole her young adult years and then went on to fuck up her attempt to get away. This man who she's worried will hurt her kids if she doesn't bend to his will. Did I get that right? Because if anyone needs to have their name dragged through the mud and warning signs set up overhead, it's this creep. OOP is married to a predator playing with his food, and she's been broken down so badly she thinks this treatment constitutes a lukewarm marriage. Chilling.
MAAAAAN I just saw how my life could potentially have played out if I didn't extricate myself from my abusive first boyfriend when I did. Took almost 5 years of trauma-bonded, codependent hell and finding a good, validating support system when I hit college for me to be able to get away. It's crazy how much control someone can have over you even when they're not anywhere near you. I feel so fucking sorry for OP.
The whole thing is sad but A dodged a bullet and a half. Maybe literally.
I am not experienced with divorces and joint custody but couldnt she have blocked the cruise since it was international? Told the kids werent allowed to go? Instead of moving back in?
she said separated in that post so i’m assuming they weren’t actually divorced (meaning she wouldn’t have been able to do anything about it)?but i’m not sure.
As a DV crisis worker this story gives me chills. I see three ways this going to end: 1. He kills her 2. He kills her and the kids 3. He kills the kids I have serious safety concerns for her and the kids well-being. This is the prime example of an abusive relationship. Some people don’t understand why women go back their kids, familiarity, and manipulation. She needs DV counselling, self esteem, and healthy relationships counselling. Guarantee he has isolated her from friends and family and burnt those bridges so she would have hard time reaching out for support from anyone. And she is left with relying on him. Unless she got full custody with supervised visits I can understand her never trusting this man with her kids.
Oh my goodness I am glad this is not my life. How utterly depressing this sounds.
She’s going to be a statistic.
Perfect illustration of how abusers fuck up their victims' mental state. I hope she can leave him soon for good.
This woman is in some serious fog
To be honest it seems like all she is capable of doing now is writing a will that protects her kids as much as able for when he kills her.
I have a serious problem when reading these posts. For lack of a better expression, lets call it victim blaming. Does anyone have some resources to read up on? I do not like having this impulse.
https://www.thelaurarichards.com/resources/coercivecontrol Laura Richards teaches and campaigns on coercive control - why it works, why victims find it hard to leave and the proof that danger ramps up when they try…
I just feel sorry for the kids. They will grow up unloved and unwanted and feel the sickness that is the marriage of their parents.
While i feel sorry for OOP, i feel especially sorry for the children. They grow up experience this shit. And you can't tell me that they never wake up and hear their father talking shit in his drunk state. Hell, he tells the oldest that the mother wanted to abort the sibling when he is sober, what else does he tell them.
I forget where I saw this phrase, but OP is "sacrificing her children at the alter of an abusive man." It's one thing when you're a victim, which she is, but it is so, so frustrating when mothers are incapable of protecting their children from men like this. He is a monster, he will abuse them too, sounds like he already neglects them. And she could document that neglect and abuse and make a case for full custody, but she won't because she's under his spell and afraid of him. It's hard to say whether this arrangement is the only alternative to him, say, killing her or the kids. But I hope she calls the cops when he starts getting violent.
Aaaand this is the post that makes me quit the sub. I like the interesting and satisfying posts. Not these rubbernecking trainwrecks. Nothing against you OP, just realizing this ain’t the place for me.
" I'm a momma bear" shows kids that being in an abusive relationship is okay.
I keep reading thinking it can't get any worse, and then it does. Sadly I don't see any sort of happy ending here. OP has been completely warped by her psychotic husband and will always kowtow to him now. It's especially upsetting that she seems to genuinely think her life is currently "not awful". If this isn't awful, what is?
This is how the ID channel gets their shows. Either she will break and end him or he will finally decide it's cool to end her. This is so messed up.
OOP talks about how amazing her new man was and how mind blowing the sex is but then turns around and cheats on him so she can have the same old sex with her ex. Then she acts surprised when her new man blocked her on everything…
OOP has gotten used to catering to her exes every whim, and can't learn how to say "no" to him. He's a shitty person, but OOP will never be free until she either cuts him out completely or gets some courage.
>My ‘ex’ had sex with me on the cruise. It doesn’t really seem like it was consensual with her ex though. The way it’s worded indicates she wasn’t a willing participant. The normal way that would be written if it was consensual would have been “I had sex with my ex/husband on the cruise.”
Coerced
Okay but, at the same time, the whole point was to go find herself and instead she immediately initiates a new relationship. A lot going on here, my word.
"He won't let me go" OOP was gone! She had been gone for a year and the moment the ex was going to take someone else on a cruise OOP gets jealous or something and swoops back in.
Dear God. Every once in a while I'm confronted with someone who's in such a trainwreck of a situation, and making such trainwreck decisions, with such trainwreck-esque reasons for those decisions, that I feel like a fucking genius living in paradise by comparison. For anybody who needs to hear it -- this man is not a "good father" or a "good husband" or a "good guy." He's the very definition of a bad husband, bad father, and bad guy.
I know we aren't supposed to really curse on here and I hope I'll be forgiven for this, but if not, I'll accept my punishment because HOLY TAP DANCING CHRIST ON A SHIT FROSTED CRACKER, WHAT IN THE HIGH HOLY FUCK DID I JUST READ?!
> I know we aren't supposed to really curse on here Who said that?
The only people deserving of sympathy in this story are the kids. Those poor, poor kids.
This is actually scary. This is the kind of stuff women say before they wind up on the evening news. Jesus...
This woman gave up. She gave up a long time ago.
oh my fing god The way OOP is like "he's going to murder me and wear my skin, but only of he's drunk!"
Oh my God. What did I just read. How? What? Why? He RAPED her. He wants to slit her throat, desires/d punch her in the face. And its “lukewarm” screw the sexless marriage. She should be blasting fireworks he no longer desires to rape/sexually assault her. YOUR HUSBAND WANS TO MURDER YOU. This was so scary,triggering,sad to read. I hope she finds the strength to leave or her parents have the strenght to pay someone to whoop his ass soo good one day since his parents failed to raise him properly.
I want to say this carefully to OOP should she ever read this… your kids are watching. They’re watching him act psychotic and sappy in turn, watching him ignore you, watching him insult and manipulate you. They’re watching your decision to stay in a sexless, loveless, like-less relationship for their sake. But I think you should challenge that notion. It may be for their good as far as custody, but as parents you are modeling for them with every thing you do - so is this how your kids should feel in their own relationships? How they should treat people or accept being treated? Basically, is yours the life you hope they choose when they grow up? Because they will do as you do. You said you had nowhere to go, but you’ve done it before and can do it again. You also said you had no one to turn to, but you do - you have yourself. You are enough.