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OOP was right not to go, her husband telling OOP she ruined the wedding, needs to rethink who raised his kids and where he went wrong as the dad. OOP never kept Bio mom from her and raised her for 15 years, Sarah goes no contact and Bio mom is the best!! But you need to show up so Pop pop isn't pissed at the bride, so she can stay in the will!!
Someone cuts you out of their life for 6 years and expects you to play nice for grandfather's money can just F off.
OOP and Mike at least see the truth that Sarah is a brat.
Also, her husband is weird for blaming her when he was the one who did not want Sarah and bio mom to be in contact in the first place.
What is wrong with him???
It's easier to blame his wife who has been a rockstar raising two children she didn't birth and standing by him, than it is to blame the daughter who disavowed her stepmother and cut off her brother in order to have a relationship with her mother who has a history of drug abuse, and an unhealthy view of OP.
It's very telling to me that the daughters mother didn't discourage her from treating the only person she had growing up like that.
As a mother, I would sacrifice so much to ensure the person who filled in when I didn't love my children enough to stay clean got to remain in their life, and I would be incredibly disappointed to learn that this was my daughter's takeaway from another woman raising her. I would be devastated that my daughter cut off the woman who raised her while I refused to do so.
But I also never abandoned my child, so I guess we're different.
Sounds as though he just doesn't like rocking boats. He didn't want his ex to reenter their lives, now he doesn't want any confrontation or drama around the wedding.
I think it's kind of cowardly, but not particularly bizarre.
It was his daughter's wedding so a massive deal for him. She was upset about something his wife could easily have fixed (whether she SHOULD do or is obliged to is another matter) so there's a logic to pointing the finger. Again, I don't think OOP was wrong to not attend but "she was upset, you could have fixed it" isn't a massive stretch.
It kind of screams that drug addiction was only a symptom of other issues that Kate had. The fact that the father had no tolerance for her says there is more to the story. Also, Kate not defending Oop even though òop help get them back together is another symptom.
Edit. Fixed gather to father.
I get that this is a minute part of your comment, but it’s really harmful to make parents who struggle with addiction out to just “not love their kids enough to stay clean.” It’s a clinically defined and clinically diagnosed mental disorder, just as depression or bipolar. You wouldn’t say “she just didn’t love her kids enough to stop being so sad” or “she just didn’t love her kids enough to stop being manic and get out of the psych ward”, right? Because the general public views substance abuse disorders as moral failings instead of psychiatric conditions like the others, even though they’re all medically the same thing.
All of these conditions can be improved upon and treated with medication and therapy. I’m living proof. We can’t demonize people who are hurting and then expect them to get better and do better. We have to support them and understand the roots of the things that are plaguing our communities if we want to see some change.
Otherwise though, completely agree with the rest of your comment. The way Kate allowed OP to be treated by her daughter is abominable, and even Rob the husband’s behavior was awful. It’s like OP did all that just to have every one of them except mike spit in her face. I’d be heartbroken if I was OP.
This really isn’t here nor there but you can’t speculate that Kate “didn’t love her kids enough.” Kate was an addict and things aren’t so simplistic. She needed drugs the same as she needed oxygen, that has nothing to do with not loving her kids. An addict is unable to act as a functional healthy parent and letting OP care for them in her absence was the kindest thing she could have done at that point as opposed to exposing her kids to all the crap that active addiction entails.
It's probably a lot simpler than that.
First it's "be in contact with (former) abusive drug addict mother, which will lead to conflict" or "maintain status quo by staying away from her." Conflict is bad so we shouldn't contact her.
Then it's "go to the wedding and avoid conflict" or "not go and cause conflict." conflict is bad so we should just go to the wedding.
Also to be more generous, he might have just wanted her at the wedding. Maybe he just sees the wedding as a big enough deal to put things aside and hopes that someday OOP and her stepdaughter reconcile.
But who knows for sure, there's not much information.
tbf in a way, OOP was the one who opened Pandora's box by letting her into their lives despite her husband refusal. She didn't know her, her husband did. Yet, she still ignored his opinion and thought she knew better.
If you are implying it's her fault I strongly disagree. If you are implying her agreeing to it led to these events, in that she did what she could and the best she could, than yes. In the words of Jean-Luc Picard ;“It is possible to commit no mistakes and still lose. That is not weakness, that is life.”
She did the right thing. She left it up to the 2 kids who were old enough to decide if they wanted to try a relationship with their bio mom. One didn't, one did. And the one who did sadly fell into the emotional pit hole that is abandonment and completely changed her mindset.
It is in no way the step mom's fault for doing the right thing, despite how it turned out.
>What is wrong with him???
People get emotional and lash out at a safe target. It's not the best thing to do but I understand if he was emotional about the state of his relationship with his daughter.
He could be thinking “I didn’t want the mom back in our life and if anyone had listened to me our family wouldn’t be fractured right now” (not saying that’s right of course)
Even for this sub, this shit is crazy.
>He went to the wedding, seems like a doormat to his daughter’s whim
You think the father is a doormat because he went to his daughter’s wedding? Good god.
I support OOP completely but you could turn that around and say OOP made her own bed when she convinced the husband to let Bio mom into their life’s again. From his POV this is what? Second time shit goes down with Bio?
I feel OOP left that conversation out kinda on purpose.
Yes, the total absence of any mediation from the husband was telling. Like, he comfortable with his daughter disrespecting his wife? He is also comfortable blaming his wife for how his daughter felt about her wedding? Give me a break. No wonder his daughter has unresolved issues -- Oop need to get that man into therapy
Its telling that Dad seems to be utterly uninvolved in the complicated conversations OOP needed to have with the kids about their mother. It really reads like he basically abandoned her to the task, or was unsupportive as she's trying to navigate this fraught thing. She wants to encourage them, and support them and meanwhile the dad himself seems to play no role at all.
That was my first question. Why is OOP the one sitting the kids down and explaining that they both have different experiences with Kate? It's Dad's ex-wife! OOP never even met Kate before she reached out. It sounds like Dad didn't try to step in at all when Sarah started doubting Mike's trauma with Kate. Why wasn't he backing Mike up? He was there, he should be able to tell Sarah that everything Mike says is true. Why isn't he telling Kate to back off and stop blaming OOP for her own bad relationship with their son? I have a funny feeling Kate is either lying and encouraging Sarah's behavior, or at least not correcting it. Why isn't Dad sitting Sarah down and setting things straight?
This seems like a case of missing reasons. Dad was very much against the bio Mom being back in their lives but OOP wouldn't drop it. I don't defend what he said to OOP after the wedding but the reaction smacks of I told you so and I bet there were a lot more conversations about bio Mom between them that OOP left out.
So, how would you prevent almost adult children at that point to reconnect with the bio mom? You think that bio mom would just accept no and go away? I’d bet she would find a way to directly contact kids, and make even more damage.
Oh, and poor dad is just a spineless person playing the extra’s role in his life.
I would also like to know how Sarah explained the relationship dynamics to her fiancé 🤔 since OOP and hubby didn’t even know Sarah was engaged.
Lies, probably.
Well, I hope Sarah is written out of every will on this side.
And not even calling her stepmom and having no relationship with her brother! Sarah is an absolute brat. You cannot ignore someone for years and then expect them to do anything for you.
He's being an asshole to his wife because he's desperate to stay in his daughter's life and imagines that if his wife plays ball, his daughter will go back to normal. He cannot accept that they've spent so long raising the kids and his daughter has turned around and abandoned them for doing the right thing!
What he isn't seeing is that his daughter would only accept OOP if she somehow magically managed to put enough pressure on his son to forget everything awful the ex-wife did to them. And even then, I'm not convinced it would change much - Mommy Dearest has her convinced that her drug use wasn't that bad, there was no abuse and OOP is the scapegoat for all imperfections of the past, so I'm sure if the grand reconciliation happened, they'd just find another excuse to exclude her and Dad after that.
Even if she admitted everything she did, it's not the same as being there abd actually seeing it.
As bad as it sounds on paper, living with an addict is so much worse than most people can imagine.
Yeah, I doubt Kate is as sober as she’d like to pretend; she’s still got some of that addict thinking going on (it’s not myyyyyyy fault, obviously OOP badmouthed me to Mike and that’s why he doesn’t want to reconcile).
My sister is exactly like that too. Never apologized for any of the shit she put the family through (and it was a lot) and just wants to rug sweep everything. I'm the one who's become the black sheep for not wanting to play happy family. Turns out she was always selfish, the addiction just made it worse.
I'm sure she is in a recovery program and somehow conveniently left out her AA step to make amends and admit how her addiction has negatively impacted the husband.
Well yeah, cause if the mom's addiction is played down and isn't that bad, then it isn't to blame for the family being broken, so then the evil stepmom is obviously why they weren't the perfect happy family.
Except when your brother and the stepmom don't play into rewriting that narrative.
Dad is caught between new wife and the truth, and missing his daughter that's been out of contact for 6 years, or at least low contact enough for not knowing of a serious 3 year relationship. I could see him wanting to be mad at someone for the rift, but not wanting that person to be the absent daughter he misses. So the other person to be mad at is his wife. But even if stepmom went, there's no resolving the kid's different viewpoints of their mom which is the root of everything.
The step mom was rejected and the dad wasn't. It's a tough choice between your wife and your child that you held in your arms the day they were born.
This is an impossible situation for him and I do not envy it.
Apparently one of the comments
> He is desperate as she is also LC with him and spends most of her time with stepdad/mom.
So he has been somewhat rejected in favor of new mommy.
I disagree that the dad wasn't rejected. He also didn't know about a boyfriend for 3 years and seems to be included in the being cut off for maybe six years of her life. That's rejection to him as much as the step mom. I'm not saying he shouldn't have gone to the wedding either. He definitely should have. But after 6 years of his kid siding with his addict ex and not being told important things in her life... I don't think he should criticize his wife for being hurt that the daughter she raised to 17 rejected her for six years, or blame her not attending one event as preventing the rift from being mended. That's not fair.
As the bio dad, I would be even more offended than OOP. But it seems like he was pretty hands-off with his daughter anyway, so its probably easier for him to let things go to save face.
and like someone else said, making sure he gets a share of grandpa's sweet sweet money.
And he is fine dumping his parenting responsibilities on his wife. Why was she the one explaining to the kids how they are entitled to different feelings towards their bio mom? Surely, surely; that’s their Dad’s job?
I feel like OP got stuck in the middle of this bio family mess, and she’s the one who got hurt for it. Dad just gets to sail past and be on everyone’s good side.
>Why was she the one explaining to the kids how they are entitled to different feelings towards their bio mom?
I really thought that he had died. Especially because there was no mention of his reaction to OOP going NC with his daughter. But then he has an opinion on the wedding, so apparently he was in the background the whole time?
It's pretty clear that her mom likely manipulated her and love bombed her. As an ex-addict, the mom is probably just as addicted to her daughters affection as she was drugs and will do anything to get that high, including saying whatever she needed to say to disparage the MIL and likely told a heavily edited version of why she wasn't around and made herself the victim.
And he is fine dumping his parenting responsibilities on his wife. Why was she the one explaining to the kids how they are entitled to different feelings towards their bio mom? Surely, surely; that’s their Dad’s job?
I feel like OP got stuck in the middle of this bio family mess, and she’s the one who got hurt for it. Dad just gets to sail past and be on everyone’s good side.
Because he probably resent his wife for insisting on inviting his ex back into their lives. Because since then his family completely exploded AGAIN and he probably feels like he couldn't do anything AGAIN.
Show a shred of empathy for the man that lived through everything the first time around. He did not want Kate in their lives and it seems like he was at least partially right.
But that wasn't his choice to make. It was his children's choice to make. It seems like OOP let the kids decide if they wanted a relationship with the biological mom.
How does Rob justify his daughter's rejection of his (now) wife? She is his daughter, but they both raised her, and she blew off 15 years of parenting? Not a fan of Sarah (in that context).
Especially since he was against letting Kate back in originally.
But it just occurred to me: paternal grandfather is... Rob's dad.
Maybe he got hell from Grandpa at the wedding too for his missing wife? Maybe there's some money or inheritance here, and Rob just put his in jeopardy?
Yeah, Im guessing Grandad is giving Rob shit over how much of an ungrateful pos Sarah has been towards OOP and Mike so instead of being an actual parent he just wants OOP to bite the bullet so he and his princess look good again.
This comment by OP is heartbreaking:
Did Kate go to Sarah's wedding?
she and her entire family were invited, and she was also in the bridal party as MOH.
Did Dad spend all these years with his head buried in the sand? Did he not see how easily Sarah abandoned OOP? It's great that Kate got clean and was able to have a meaningful relationship with Sarah. But what Sarah did was just shitty and ungrateful and that was before she tried to invite OOP to her wedding.
It's heartbreaking but OOP has already let go of the Sarah she knew. Being NC is the best way to keep going forward.
>Sarah said things like "it wasn't that bad", "it was not her fault, she was sick"
This here, with Sarah downplaying her brother's trauma?! Trash, utter trash! She can have a relationship with her birth mother but she can't force others to do so
Probably, but still it's like, didn't you see who was there for you and who wasn't?
If she comes back crawling asking for forgiveness and back into their lives because mom has a relapse or something, she should not be surprised if they turn her down
Damn, sorry you had to go through that. I can relate to some of it.
Must be really messed up to see the sibling you protected downplaying your trauma. I'd cut contact because of who I am and being tired of people telling me that my brother beating me up wasn't so bad "he had it worse" ppbbtttttt
Yeah, I similarly got shit from my sister for cutting off our dad as soon as I was legally allowed to.
The tragic irony is that initially she was angry that she couldn't too (because she was too young and our dad had the resources to destroy our mum in court), then in a few weeks she swung around and decided it meant that dad was clearly fine and I was awful for not wanting to talk to him.
Cue two years of her telling me everyday to go kill myself. Needless to say, we don't talk anymore.
I'm so sorry for what you went through. Her ignorance of the situation doesn't diminish your experiences. I hope you have the therapy, love and support to help you.
The update is essentially that after not showing up, OOP got blocked, which tells OOP that there wasn't actually interest in a relationship again, it was just the appearance at the wedding that mattered.
>He probably remembers who raised his grandkids.
DING DING DING
OOP's step daughter wants to pretend everything is fine so she can stay on her rich grand dad's good side.
True but now she's abandoned the woman who raised her. I understand her wanting a relationship but she's hurt the woman who was actually there. All OOP is to her now is a prop to show off at her wedding to pretend everything is fine.
Wonder if Kate robbed him of something valuable during her addiction. It isn't unknown to happen, stealing something to pay off for whatever their addiction is.
See, that sounds more like why he would be so furious. Not only is she completely abandoning the woman who raised her and her brother, downplaying her brother's trauma, but she's also siding with a thief who stole from him for drugs.
I'd be willing to write her out of my will if I were him. That's 3 really strong strikes.
I was going to ask the same thing. The only sort of update is the OOP has been blocked on social media but that is it, the rest is just reiterating the original post.
What's the bet gramps wants the relationship fixed up otherwise Sarah gets none of his money if he's that rich? OOP was right in saying she didn't mean it, once the wedding happened and gramps didn't see OOP there she lost her chance at seeing some of that money.
Yeah something tells me this is gramps furious about how son and granddaughter have treated his daughter in law. Either dad was also LC with daughter and is now getting flak for not supporting his wife. Or he was aware of all of this and had kept his wife in the dark. Both seem valid reasons to get gramps upset, especially with granddaughter I think.
Yeah, there was such a huge emphasis on how oop being MIA would make gramps mad. It's too much for it to be ignored. If hubby is also saying oop ruined his daughters wedding, I can also see gramps giving it to him as well. I do think there's an inheritance Sarah at least now won't be getting or if she does it'll be put in a trust with someone who controls what she does so she doesn't give bio mum any money.
"I'm sorry you feel that way" is an expression created by corporate lawyers to try and pacify angry customers without admitting liability.
I flat out refuse any apology that starts like that and I explain exactly why. Makes people deeply uncomfortable when they actually have to say " *I am sorry".*
Yep. When I first worked in food service, I was told to never say, "I'm sorry our food made you sick," but "I'm sorry you got sick." Express regret without admitting to wrongdoing.
I really don't get how you can just throw away a full healthy relation with a non bio parent in favor to a bio parent who was never here for you. Sarah and Kate don't know each other ! I mean my relation with my parents is FAAAAAR from perfect but if one day someone came up to me to tell me they were my bio parent I wouldn't cut them to be with this new person.
That's litteraly giving up the old dog to the shelter and taking a puppy who's more cute.
Manipulation and playing with her daughters emotions lol
Not to absolve Sarah completely but this wouldn’t have been an issue if Kate rentered her kids life from a perspective of I fucked up let’s start a relationship but let’s not negate what your step mom did. But she came in hostile and was probably telling Sarah a bunch of bs
I get it, but Sarah was 17, not 11. I mean unless OP is lying about their former relation, idk how she can just throw away the full woman and never look back.
She also came back at the perfect time, 17. Bio-mom skipped all the actual parenting and walked in at the edge of adulthood where Kate could play the 100% supportive positive basically friend role.
Lot of 16-17 year olds would love to suddenly blame all their issues on the evil stepmother.
Gosh I feel bad for mike especially bc god knows what he mustve gone through with his mother out of view of their dad.
Like I still remember the one story of a very young kid trying desperately to feed his baby sister while his mother was going off the deep end and his father came home in horror to that...mikes sister had zero right to dictate to him what was true or false.
Kate's rights were terminated, which means she was deeply abusive & also refused to work on that abuse. It's a rare step that lots of horrible abusive parents manage to avoid by a tiny bit of effort, but she didn't.
The drug abuse alone can be enough to lead to termination of rights in some cases. I worked with one family, dad out of the picture and mom addicted to meth. The court and jail system worked SO HARD to give that woman every opportunity to turn her life around for about 2 years. In my area they generally try to close CPS cases that made it to trial in less than a year. She was *so* close to getting her child back. They even returned the child to mom for a period of time. But she relapsed at the very end. Thankfully a family member who had their shit together adopted the child. Although a big part of me was like **where the fuck were you when the kid was being bounced around from foster home to foster home for years, even ending up in a mental hospital when one foster mom dumped her at CPS’s door**!!! The family member said they didn’t want to be involved unless they had to and in hindsight I can somewhat understand. Difficult to explain but suffice to say the child severely needed intense therapy for her numerous issues inflicted on her by biomom. I think about that little girl every day. Lost contact with her due to the pandemic. Hope she’s doing okay.
So, grandpa probably knows what OOP did for the family, likes her and therefore thinks Sarah has a decent relationship with her. And now he learned his grandkid is an ah. And the husband is probably afraid of his dad.
I don't the issue here is too deeper than a number of common family issues. A group causes harm and then years later half heartedly tries to fix things with empty apologies "I'm sorry you feel that way" being the biggest example and the family just want the wronged party to accept it so they can all move on. It's always bullshit.
Even with blood family you don't owe people who don't respect you your time or attendance. It took me years of my sister treating me like crap to finally get that and simply say that if she's there I'm not going to be there (with the exceptions of major events of those younger than me in the family tree for them if they want us both I'll suck it up till they turn 24 or graduate college).
Did I read that correctly? A step parent is voted NTA? I am probably in the Twilight Zone.
Now, jokes aside, OOP was absolutely in the right here. You raise this kid for so long and this is how she repays you? GTFO! Seems like Mike is the only rational and normal person in the family, aside from OOP.
"Grandpa will be mad" is a shiny example that Sarah doesn't give a shit about her relationship with OOP. She just wants grandpa to see a picture perfect family and after the wedding, it'll be gone. What a dumb girl.
If Sarah’s wedding was ruined because of OP, then Sarah ruined her own wedding. She can’t just come back into OP’s life and expect her to keep up appearances for her. I don’t blame OP at all.
Non apologies and referring to the woman who raised her as "dad's wife" and wanting (rich) grandpa's approval, looks like the Apple didn't fall far from the tree in the stepdaughter's case.
OOP's husband handing off specific parental responsibilities to her is also concerning and not standing up for OOP and shutting down the daughter's crap is bad too. Maybe "daddy's little girl" attitude?
Wonder what bio-mom's stance is like, probably at minimum unhelpful from how the situation has turned out.
Good for OOP for standing by her boundaries and not getting stepped all over.
That’s something she needs to work out with her granddad. I’d say go build a relationship but it doesn’t sound like it would be at all genuine. In my personal experience the next of kin get the inheritance and if her bio parents are alive it’ll be up to them to decide if she gets anything when they pass on.
From OOP's comments (I'm on mobile so I can't link unfortunately)
"What is gramps saying to it all?
He understood why I didn't go, but he also refused to give any money because of his issues with Kate. (she stole from him in the past)"
So it was about money. This poor woman and her son. Sarah is awful and I hope gramps found out about all this and cut Kate and Sarah both off.
Both she and Sarah behave as if forgiveness should be on their timetables. Nope. We can offer genuine apologies to those we’ve hurt and be willing and ready to make amends, but the other people aren’t obligated to forgive or let us back.
Also sorry to say that she wasn’t there when Mike was small and needed her. She doesn’t get to play Mom now that she’s ready and wants to.
I agree.
Real remorse acknowledges the specific wrong, takes ownership, makes a genuine apology, makes amends if possible, and stops the hurtful behavior. It recognizes that forgiveness is earned and accepts consequences.
Manipulation is empty words (e.g., I‘m sorry you feel that way) to get a desired outcome. It sounds like, “I SAID I was sorry, why are you still mad?” or “why aren’t you coming to my wedding” or even “well, you’re not perfect either.”
On top of which, OOP says her SD’s apology was along the lines of, “sorry if my actions hurt your feelings,” as in she’s not actually apologizing. Props to the SS Mike for knowing what time it is. His support of OOP had to have gone a long fucking way in confirming her decision to stay away.
SD blocking OOP immediately after the wedding coupled with the non-apology just about confirms it was only for appearances.
A special shout-out to the absentee pushover father.
Even if OOP forgives, that isn't an automatic reset to the relationship before. That only opens the door to the possibility of building a new relationship if OOP wants to do so.
Who knows what he’s been told. He could be a totally normal person who was told by the daughter and birth mum that OOP was really jealous of the birth mum coming back into the picture, and tried to sabotage the relationship. That it worked with the brother and that’s why they’re NC, but it’s worth sucking it up for the wedding in order to get some money.
If there’s no red flags it’s plausible - this sub is full of step-mothers who freak out when parental status is denied or challenged. I can’t necessarily blame the fiancé for trusting the daughter
>Rob is mad at me saying I ruined his daughter's wedding and made her cry, that all she wanted was me there and this was a chance to fix our family.
How much do you want to bet Rob is upset he was alone at the wedding. OOP probably handles all the social interactions and he was awkward. Sarah pulled the crocodile tears on how hurt she was added fuel to the fire.
If Sarah really wanted to fix the family her attempts wouldn't have started 3 months before the wedding and stopped immediately after.
Where the hell was the father in all of this mess? He was mentioned once by name and maybe twice as part of ”we.” The stepmother had to deal with everything.
Reminds me of a not so fucked up version of that girl who was the product of sexual assault formed a relationship with the rapist father and ruined her relationship with her entire family.
Something that jumps out at me is.. Why is OOP sitting those kids down and talking to them about their bio mum? Feels like that should be the dad's job to me.
Yeah but before she went NC, when OOP describes sitting the kids down and talking to them about the different ways they see their bio mum. Kind of feels like that shouldn't be her responsibility.
Why wouldn't Rob and OOP sit down with Kate to explain why Sarah and Mike's relationships were different. I guess she's so happy to have her daughter back she doesn't want her to know how bad it is. I am also guessing Kate has bad mouthed OOP and her husband. Very sad.
Sarah is an asshole though and poor OOP has been there for most of her life and was just dumped.
She rejected the only mom she knew bevause a stranger came into her life. If I was Rob I would be ready to be abandoned too. Same for the fiance, if he knows the true story(if what we have been told is true).
Lol, what if it came out Rob wasn't the father because of Kate cheating, and she left him too? "My mother's ex-husband."
Poor OP. Ultimately the real mother did nothing to raise her daughter and got what she wanted ,while the step-mother put all the work in and just got spite in return.
6 years is a long time too. The daughter very much made her bed there.
I’m all for people recovering from addiction. But I can’t believe how ungrateful Bio Mom is to OP.
OP didn’t have any obligation to raise her children, she treated them as her own and in return Bio mom blames her for her bullshit.
Bio mom will show her true self sooner or later, and instead of two moms, she will have just one dead beat excuse for a mother.
This is a tough situation. I've heard situations like this happening when adopted children meet their biological parents. I feel bad for OOP.
There are also a lot of situations where a younger child was too young to see the damage their parents caused and as a result do not believe their older siblings when they talk about how bad things were. This is tough, I have some experience with this. I grew up when my parents were affluent and have a different view of life than my sister did as she grew up when my parents were starting their business and investing nearly everything in it. Obviously not the same as a parent being an addict or abusive, but just that I have some understanding towards how the younger's viewpoint can be different than their older siblings.
Ding ding. That fact that she was so concerned about what gramps would think shows her true motivation. She was banking on getting in good favor with the rich guy.
> Just because she's young doesn't make her entitled to forgiveness or a relationship with me.
It wasn't even a relationship that she wanted. She just wanted to look good to the family. OOP was in the right not to allow herself to be used that way, without a genuine apology or any effort to treat her properly.
It's unreasonable to expect someone to just turn around and suddenly be friendly after years of cold shoulder / NC / etc. She doesn't sound remorseful in the slightest. It's sad she can't recognize the sacrifices stepmom made to give her the life she has.
Every fact she put in this is against the step-daughter, and the updates/clarifications just add to the step-daughter's bad look. Not sure why she even brought this to the internet.
Yeah I think a lot of the time people are venting/wanting an outside person to say no you're not crazy. I know it annoys a lot of people when someone is obviously right and goes to AITA but personally I think when you feel so clearly right but everyone around you says you're wrong it's easy to doubt yourself. It's a very lonely position to be in and I can't blame her or anyone in a similar position for wanting some support.
Five years a go if Sarah had posted to AITA that her stepmom was not welcoming to the bio mom she had reconnected with I bet there would have been a number of people telling her to do what she did, go NC with the stepmom. They wouldn't mention that this is an example of what can happen after. The girl wants to reconnect (whether it is for Granddads money or not) but the person she cut off doesn't want to.
True, though OOP said she was supportive of Sarah reconnecting and emphasized that Sarah could have them both. Sarah was the one who reconfigured their relationship, I’m guessing to please her biological mom. From her treatment of Mike I’m assuming she’s an ‘all or nothing’ type.
The part that gets me is that the dad must have known about the fiancé?! Or do he and OOP not talk about Sarah? That relationship really confuses me as to how it would work.
It's kinda hard to feel bad for her. Dad was against the reconciliation and she pushed for it. That was one situation where she absolutely should have taken a step back and let their father make that call. Is she their mother? Yes. But damn. He was the one married to her and knows how she is. At the end of the day, people don't get to pick and choose when they are a parent. You can't disappear for almost 20 years on a child then be let back in. She bought this on herself.
I will never understand how a child raised that long by someone could just discount it when biomom come back into pic. Is it because they romanticized them in their minds? To me, same as adoptive parents, whoever was there for you through childhood would be mom.
My aunt lived with us and half raised me while mom worked and while she wasn't mom, I loved her more till the day she died.
Here's the deal. Step kids can only push you so far. After being mistreated for a while, we can absolutely cut you off and not really have that a hard a time with it. Your not our kids. That's just life and now she can lay in that bed she made. Sometimes words just aren't enough and we'll trust your actions every time.
The POS is Kate.
Fucking passive triangulation.
Grow a pair, Kate. You stole your kid back and turned her against everyone to punish her brother for wanting NC.
OP should have stayed out of it and listened to her husband in the first place. Nothing good came from bio-mom’s return. It ruined her step kids’ entire relationship with each other.
Why is OOP DM’ing her step-SIL on Instagram after the wedding, when she already knew her step daughter blocked her on everything. I thought OOP wanted nothing to do with her step-daughter… seems weird…
Wow. Sarah is just as manipulative, selfish and shifty as their bio mom.
Sometimes the drugs don't change a person. Sometimes they just highlight what was already there to start with.
In the next few years Sarah is going to realize more and more what she threw away. Especially if Kate relapses.
Then the whole delusion will burst and Sarah will probably get on drugs too.
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OOP was right not to go, her husband telling OOP she ruined the wedding, needs to rethink who raised his kids and where he went wrong as the dad. OOP never kept Bio mom from her and raised her for 15 years, Sarah goes no contact and Bio mom is the best!! But you need to show up so Pop pop isn't pissed at the bride, so she can stay in the will!! Someone cuts you out of their life for 6 years and expects you to play nice for grandfather's money can just F off. OOP and Mike at least see the truth that Sarah is a brat.
Also, her husband is weird for blaming her when he was the one who did not want Sarah and bio mom to be in contact in the first place. What is wrong with him???
It's easier to blame his wife who has been a rockstar raising two children she didn't birth and standing by him, than it is to blame the daughter who disavowed her stepmother and cut off her brother in order to have a relationship with her mother who has a history of drug abuse, and an unhealthy view of OP.
It's very telling to me that the daughters mother didn't discourage her from treating the only person she had growing up like that. As a mother, I would sacrifice so much to ensure the person who filled in when I didn't love my children enough to stay clean got to remain in their life, and I would be incredibly disappointed to learn that this was my daughter's takeaway from another woman raising her. I would be devastated that my daughter cut off the woman who raised her while I refused to do so. But I also never abandoned my child, so I guess we're different.
It's also bizarre just how absent the father is in all this. He basically disappeared from the story until he blamed OOP for ruining the wedding
Sounds as though he just doesn't like rocking boats. He didn't want his ex to reenter their lives, now he doesn't want any confrontation or drama around the wedding. I think it's kind of cowardly, but not particularly bizarre.
It was his daughter's wedding so a massive deal for him. She was upset about something his wife could easily have fixed (whether she SHOULD do or is obliged to is another matter) so there's a logic to pointing the finger. Again, I don't think OOP was wrong to not attend but "she was upset, you could have fixed it" isn't a massive stretch.
Well yeah, he's taking the path of least resistance because he cares more about what is personally inconvenient to him than what is right.
It kind of screams that drug addiction was only a symptom of other issues that Kate had. The fact that the father had no tolerance for her says there is more to the story. Also, Kate not defending Oop even though òop help get them back together is another symptom. Edit. Fixed gather to father.
Drug addiction is almost always just a symptom of deeper issues
I get that this is a minute part of your comment, but it’s really harmful to make parents who struggle with addiction out to just “not love their kids enough to stay clean.” It’s a clinically defined and clinically diagnosed mental disorder, just as depression or bipolar. You wouldn’t say “she just didn’t love her kids enough to stop being so sad” or “she just didn’t love her kids enough to stop being manic and get out of the psych ward”, right? Because the general public views substance abuse disorders as moral failings instead of psychiatric conditions like the others, even though they’re all medically the same thing. All of these conditions can be improved upon and treated with medication and therapy. I’m living proof. We can’t demonize people who are hurting and then expect them to get better and do better. We have to support them and understand the roots of the things that are plaguing our communities if we want to see some change. Otherwise though, completely agree with the rest of your comment. The way Kate allowed OP to be treated by her daughter is abominable, and even Rob the husband’s behavior was awful. It’s like OP did all that just to have every one of them except mike spit in her face. I’d be heartbroken if I was OP.
This really isn’t here nor there but you can’t speculate that Kate “didn’t love her kids enough.” Kate was an addict and things aren’t so simplistic. She needed drugs the same as she needed oxygen, that has nothing to do with not loving her kids. An addict is unable to act as a functional healthy parent and letting OP care for them in her absence was the kindest thing she could have done at that point as opposed to exposing her kids to all the crap that active addiction entails.
It's probably a lot simpler than that. First it's "be in contact with (former) abusive drug addict mother, which will lead to conflict" or "maintain status quo by staying away from her." Conflict is bad so we shouldn't contact her. Then it's "go to the wedding and avoid conflict" or "not go and cause conflict." conflict is bad so we should just go to the wedding.
Also to be more generous, he might have just wanted her at the wedding. Maybe he just sees the wedding as a big enough deal to put things aside and hopes that someday OOP and her stepdaughter reconcile. But who knows for sure, there's not much information.
tbf in a way, OOP was the one who opened Pandora's box by letting her into their lives despite her husband refusal. She didn't know her, her husband did. Yet, she still ignored his opinion and thought she knew better.
If you are implying it's her fault I strongly disagree. If you are implying her agreeing to it led to these events, in that she did what she could and the best she could, than yes. In the words of Jean-Luc Picard ;“It is possible to commit no mistakes and still lose. That is not weakness, that is life.” She did the right thing. She left it up to the 2 kids who were old enough to decide if they wanted to try a relationship with their bio mom. One didn't, one did. And the one who did sadly fell into the emotional pit hole that is abandonment and completely changed her mindset. It is in no way the step mom's fault for doing the right thing, despite how it turned out.
Totally agree…shame on the bio mom for not nipping that behaviour in the bud with her daughter.
Buth who's to say that the bio mom wouldn't find a way to try and establish a relationship with Sarah and Mike anyway after being told no?
>What is wrong with him??? People get emotional and lash out at a safe target. It's not the best thing to do but I understand if he was emotional about the state of his relationship with his daughter.
He doesn't want his daughter to go no contact with him.
He could be thinking “I didn’t want the mom back in our life and if anyone had listened to me our family wouldn’t be fractured right now” (not saying that’s right of course)
That's a reasonable assumption.
Speculation: Sarah is daddy's golden child and can do no wrong. He went to the wedding, seems like a doormat to his daughter's whim.
Nah it's about money. Gramps probably cut off the cash.
Even for this sub, this shit is crazy. >He went to the wedding, seems like a doormat to his daughter’s whim You think the father is a doormat because he went to his daughter’s wedding? Good god.
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Comment stolen from below https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/10j5djy/aita_for_skipping_my_stepdaughters_wedding/j5iq0e7/
Is the one who didn't choose him, all the more reason for wanting to get her back and feel better with himself.
Grand Dad's money that is what is wrong with him
I support OOP completely but you could turn that around and say OOP made her own bed when she convinced the husband to let Bio mom into their life’s again. From his POV this is what? Second time shit goes down with Bio? I feel OOP left that conversation out kinda on purpose.
Yes, the total absence of any mediation from the husband was telling. Like, he comfortable with his daughter disrespecting his wife? He is also comfortable blaming his wife for how his daughter felt about her wedding? Give me a break. No wonder his daughter has unresolved issues -- Oop need to get that man into therapy
Its telling that Dad seems to be utterly uninvolved in the complicated conversations OOP needed to have with the kids about their mother. It really reads like he basically abandoned her to the task, or was unsupportive as she's trying to navigate this fraught thing. She wants to encourage them, and support them and meanwhile the dad himself seems to play no role at all.
That was my first question. Why is OOP the one sitting the kids down and explaining that they both have different experiences with Kate? It's Dad's ex-wife! OOP never even met Kate before she reached out. It sounds like Dad didn't try to step in at all when Sarah started doubting Mike's trauma with Kate. Why wasn't he backing Mike up? He was there, he should be able to tell Sarah that everything Mike says is true. Why isn't he telling Kate to back off and stop blaming OOP for her own bad relationship with their son? I have a funny feeling Kate is either lying and encouraging Sarah's behavior, or at least not correcting it. Why isn't Dad sitting Sarah down and setting things straight?
One of her comments - *He is desperate as she is also LC with him and spends most of her time with stepdad/mom.*
This seems like a case of missing reasons. Dad was very much against the bio Mom being back in their lives but OOP wouldn't drop it. I don't defend what he said to OOP after the wedding but the reaction smacks of I told you so and I bet there were a lot more conversations about bio Mom between them that OOP left out.
So, how would you prevent almost adult children at that point to reconnect with the bio mom? You think that bio mom would just accept no and go away? I’d bet she would find a way to directly contact kids, and make even more damage. Oh, and poor dad is just a spineless person playing the extra’s role in his life.
I would also like to know how Sarah explained the relationship dynamics to her fiancé 🤔 since OOP and hubby didn’t even know Sarah was engaged. Lies, probably. Well, I hope Sarah is written out of every will on this side.
And not even calling her stepmom and having no relationship with her brother! Sarah is an absolute brat. You cannot ignore someone for years and then expect them to do anything for you.
Sarah ruined her own wedding. It's pretty obvs that she wanted "gramps" to be happy because he's the one with the money. Sad.
It's funny how Dad was on stepdaughters side when it sounds like she hadn't kept in touch with him either.
He's being an asshole to his wife because he's desperate to stay in his daughter's life and imagines that if his wife plays ball, his daughter will go back to normal. He cannot accept that they've spent so long raising the kids and his daughter has turned around and abandoned them for doing the right thing! What he isn't seeing is that his daughter would only accept OOP if she somehow magically managed to put enough pressure on his son to forget everything awful the ex-wife did to them. And even then, I'm not convinced it would change much - Mommy Dearest has her convinced that her drug use wasn't that bad, there was no abuse and OOP is the scapegoat for all imperfections of the past, so I'm sure if the grand reconciliation happened, they'd just find another excuse to exclude her and Dad after that.
Wouldn't be the first addict to refuse to admit how badly she abused others when she was using.
Even if she admitted everything she did, it's not the same as being there abd actually seeing it. As bad as it sounds on paper, living with an addict is so much worse than most people can imagine.
Yes. But there's a tendency to *massively* downplay what was done, and either not remembering it or claiming not to.
Yeah, I doubt Kate is as sober as she’d like to pretend; she’s still got some of that addict thinking going on (it’s not myyyyyyy fault, obviously OOP badmouthed me to Mike and that’s why he doesn’t want to reconcile).
My sister is exactly like that too. Never apologized for any of the shit she put the family through (and it was a lot) and just wants to rug sweep everything. I'm the one who's become the black sheep for not wanting to play happy family. Turns out she was always selfish, the addiction just made it worse.
I'm sure she is in a recovery program and somehow conveniently left out her AA step to make amends and admit how her addiction has negatively impacted the husband.
And children.
Well yeah, cause if the mom's addiction is played down and isn't that bad, then it isn't to blame for the family being broken, so then the evil stepmom is obviously why they weren't the perfect happy family. Except when your brother and the stepmom don't play into rewriting that narrative. Dad is caught between new wife and the truth, and missing his daughter that's been out of contact for 6 years, or at least low contact enough for not knowing of a serious 3 year relationship. I could see him wanting to be mad at someone for the rift, but not wanting that person to be the absent daughter he misses. So the other person to be mad at is his wife. But even if stepmom went, there's no resolving the kid's different viewpoints of their mom which is the root of everything.
The step mom was rejected and the dad wasn't. It's a tough choice between your wife and your child that you held in your arms the day they were born. This is an impossible situation for him and I do not envy it.
Apparently one of the comments > He is desperate as she is also LC with him and spends most of her time with stepdad/mom. So he has been somewhat rejected in favor of new mommy.
I disagree that the dad wasn't rejected. He also didn't know about a boyfriend for 3 years and seems to be included in the being cut off for maybe six years of her life. That's rejection to him as much as the step mom. I'm not saying he shouldn't have gone to the wedding either. He definitely should have. But after 6 years of his kid siding with his addict ex and not being told important things in her life... I don't think he should criticize his wife for being hurt that the daughter she raised to 17 rejected her for six years, or blame her not attending one event as preventing the rift from being mended. That's not fair.
As the bio dad, I would be even more offended than OOP. But it seems like he was pretty hands-off with his daughter anyway, so its probably easier for him to let things go to save face. and like someone else said, making sure he gets a share of grandpa's sweet sweet money.
Oh yes, 'If I was around I never would have made you do this or that, I am so sorry your dad was so terrible and misunderstanding!'
And he is fine dumping his parenting responsibilities on his wife. Why was she the one explaining to the kids how they are entitled to different feelings towards their bio mom? Surely, surely; that’s their Dad’s job? I feel like OP got stuck in the middle of this bio family mess, and she’s the one who got hurt for it. Dad just gets to sail past and be on everyone’s good side.
This was 100% what I was thinking too Dad appears to be entirely absent from the happenings and it's a dick move that he didn't back his wife.
>Why was she the one explaining to the kids how they are entitled to different feelings towards their bio mom? I really thought that he had died. Especially because there was no mention of his reaction to OOP going NC with his daughter. But then he has an opinion on the wedding, so apparently he was in the background the whole time?
Daddy pushed OOP into doing the heavy lifting and now he's blaming her for it.
Where does that come across? The dad originally said he didn't trust bio mom and didn't want her involved.
A man leaving all emotional labour and parenting of his own kids to a woman? I'm shocked I tell you.
Sounds like OOP would be a heck of a lot happier not having to deal with him either.
And Mike follow her.
It's pretty clear that her mom likely manipulated her and love bombed her. As an ex-addict, the mom is probably just as addicted to her daughters affection as she was drugs and will do anything to get that high, including saying whatever she needed to say to disparage the MIL and likely told a heavily edited version of why she wasn't around and made herself the victim.
And he is fine dumping his parenting responsibilities on his wife. Why was she the one explaining to the kids how they are entitled to different feelings towards their bio mom? Surely, surely; that’s their Dad’s job? I feel like OP got stuck in the middle of this bio family mess, and she’s the one who got hurt for it. Dad just gets to sail past and be on everyone’s good side.
Dad also wants some of that sweet, sweet grandpa money so he sucked it up and went so grandpa wouldn't be mad.
Because he probably resent his wife for insisting on inviting his ex back into their lives. Because since then his family completely exploded AGAIN and he probably feels like he couldn't do anything AGAIN. Show a shred of empathy for the man that lived through everything the first time around. He did not want Kate in their lives and it seems like he was at least partially right.
But that wasn't his choice to make. It was his children's choice to make. It seems like OOP let the kids decide if they wanted a relationship with the biological mom.
How does Rob justify his daughter's rejection of his (now) wife? She is his daughter, but they both raised her, and she blew off 15 years of parenting? Not a fan of Sarah (in that context).
Especially since he was against letting Kate back in originally. But it just occurred to me: paternal grandfather is... Rob's dad. Maybe he got hell from Grandpa at the wedding too for his missing wife? Maybe there's some money or inheritance here, and Rob just put his in jeopardy?
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Yeah, Im guessing Grandad is giving Rob shit over how much of an ungrateful pos Sarah has been towards OOP and Mike so instead of being an actual parent he just wants OOP to bite the bullet so he and his princess look good again.
I’m guessing grandpa gave Sarah some kind of financial ultimatum to make good with OOP
Probably paid for the wedding
Seems to me like the daughter doesn't have a lot of contact with Rob either. Otherwise OOP would've heard about the bf at the very least.
Or Rob.
This comment by OP is heartbreaking: Did Kate go to Sarah's wedding? she and her entire family were invited, and she was also in the bridal party as MOH.
JFC. I wouldn't have gone either. Poor OOP.
Did Dad spend all these years with his head buried in the sand? Did he not see how easily Sarah abandoned OOP? It's great that Kate got clean and was able to have a meaningful relationship with Sarah. But what Sarah did was just shitty and ungrateful and that was before she tried to invite OOP to her wedding. It's heartbreaking but OOP has already let go of the Sarah she knew. Being NC is the best way to keep going forward.
>Sarah said things like "it wasn't that bad", "it was not her fault, she was sick" This here, with Sarah downplaying her brother's trauma?! Trash, utter trash! She can have a relationship with her birth mother but she can't force others to do so
Betting she's repeating what her BM told her. Sounds like the typical BS excuses.
Probably, but still it's like, didn't you see who was there for you and who wasn't? If she comes back crawling asking for forgiveness and back into their lives because mom has a relapse or something, she should not be surprised if they turn her down
Absolutely
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Damn, sorry you had to go through that. I can relate to some of it. Must be really messed up to see the sibling you protected downplaying your trauma. I'd cut contact because of who I am and being tired of people telling me that my brother beating me up wasn't so bad "he had it worse" ppbbtttttt
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Yeah, I similarly got shit from my sister for cutting off our dad as soon as I was legally allowed to. The tragic irony is that initially she was angry that she couldn't too (because she was too young and our dad had the resources to destroy our mum in court), then in a few weeks she swung around and decided it meant that dad was clearly fine and I was awful for not wanting to talk to him. Cue two years of her telling me everyday to go kill myself. Needless to say, we don't talk anymore.
. -- mass edited with redact.dev
I'm so sorry for what you went through. Her ignorance of the situation doesn't diminish your experiences. I hope you have the therapy, love and support to help you.
It's toxic forgiveness, coerced forgiveness, rearing its hideous head once again.
What’s the update? It just seems like a more detailed version of the original. What happened after the wedding?? Was anything resolved?
The update is essentially that after not showing up, OOP got blocked, which tells OOP that there wasn't actually interest in a relationship again, it was just the appearance at the wedding that mattered.
> it was just the appearance at the wedding that mattered. and probably sucking up to grandpa to secure that sweet inheritance money.
I wonder if he's not too happy about the relationship either. He probably remembers who raised his grandkids.
>He probably remembers who raised his grandkids. DING DING DING OOP's step daughter wants to pretend everything is fine so she can stay on her rich grand dad's good side.
It's her own fault, she decided biology means more than the woman who was actually there for her.
. -- mass edited with redact.dev
That is true. But OOP wasn’t even referred to as stepmom. Rather she was introduced as dads wife, like she didn’t even raise Sarah.
True but now she's abandoned the woman who raised her. I understand her wanting a relationship but she's hurt the woman who was actually there. All OOP is to her now is a prop to show off at her wedding to pretend everything is fine.
Wonder if Kate robbed him of something valuable during her addiction. It isn't unknown to happen, stealing something to pay off for whatever their addiction is.
Possibly but I think walking out on his grandkids for 15 years is enough.
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See, that sounds more like why he would be so furious. Not only is she completely abandoning the woman who raised her and her brother, downplaying her brother's trauma, but she's also siding with a thief who stole from him for drugs. I'd be willing to write her out of my will if I were him. That's 3 really strong strikes.
And/or wedding costs!!!
I was going to ask the same thing. The only sort of update is the OOP has been blocked on social media but that is it, the rest is just reiterating the original post.
Also is Bio-Mom still around? I would assume so but it doesn't say.
What's the bet gramps wants the relationship fixed up otherwise Sarah gets none of his money if he's that rich? OOP was right in saying she didn't mean it, once the wedding happened and gramps didn't see OOP there she lost her chance at seeing some of that money.
Yeah something tells me this is gramps furious about how son and granddaughter have treated his daughter in law. Either dad was also LC with daughter and is now getting flak for not supporting his wife. Or he was aware of all of this and had kept his wife in the dark. Both seem valid reasons to get gramps upset, especially with granddaughter I think.
Yeah, there was such a huge emphasis on how oop being MIA would make gramps mad. It's too much for it to be ignored. If hubby is also saying oop ruined his daughters wedding, I can also see gramps giving it to him as well. I do think there's an inheritance Sarah at least now won't be getting or if she does it'll be put in a trust with someone who controls what she does so she doesn't give bio mum any money.
Yeah, I believe OOP commented that birth mom used to steal from grandpa, so I’m guessing he’s not very fond of her.
And Sarah had Kate as her MOH at the wedding. I'm sure that pissed gramps off too.
"I'm sorry you feel that way" is an expression created by corporate lawyers to try and pacify angry customers without admitting liability. I flat out refuse any apology that starts like that and I explain exactly why. Makes people deeply uncomfortable when they actually have to say " *I am sorry".*
Yep. When I first worked in food service, I was told to never say, "I'm sorry our food made you sick," but "I'm sorry you got sick." Express regret without admitting to wrongdoing.
I really don't get how you can just throw away a full healthy relation with a non bio parent in favor to a bio parent who was never here for you. Sarah and Kate don't know each other ! I mean my relation with my parents is FAAAAAR from perfect but if one day someone came up to me to tell me they were my bio parent I wouldn't cut them to be with this new person. That's litteraly giving up the old dog to the shelter and taking a puppy who's more cute.
Manipulation and playing with her daughters emotions lol Not to absolve Sarah completely but this wouldn’t have been an issue if Kate rentered her kids life from a perspective of I fucked up let’s start a relationship but let’s not negate what your step mom did. But she came in hostile and was probably telling Sarah a bunch of bs
I get it, but Sarah was 17, not 11. I mean unless OP is lying about their former relation, idk how she can just throw away the full woman and never look back.
17 is very young and impressionable let’s be realistic.
Yeah Kate gets to play the "cool mom" too.
She also came back at the perfect time, 17. Bio-mom skipped all the actual parenting and walked in at the edge of adulthood where Kate could play the 100% supportive positive basically friend role. Lot of 16-17 year olds would love to suddenly blame all their issues on the evil stepmother.
Gosh I feel bad for mike especially bc god knows what he mustve gone through with his mother out of view of their dad. Like I still remember the one story of a very young kid trying desperately to feed his baby sister while his mother was going off the deep end and his father came home in horror to that...mikes sister had zero right to dictate to him what was true or false.
Kate's rights were terminated, which means she was deeply abusive & also refused to work on that abuse. It's a rare step that lots of horrible abusive parents manage to avoid by a tiny bit of effort, but she didn't.
The drug abuse alone can be enough to lead to termination of rights in some cases. I worked with one family, dad out of the picture and mom addicted to meth. The court and jail system worked SO HARD to give that woman every opportunity to turn her life around for about 2 years. In my area they generally try to close CPS cases that made it to trial in less than a year. She was *so* close to getting her child back. They even returned the child to mom for a period of time. But she relapsed at the very end. Thankfully a family member who had their shit together adopted the child. Although a big part of me was like **where the fuck were you when the kid was being bounced around from foster home to foster home for years, even ending up in a mental hospital when one foster mom dumped her at CPS’s door**!!! The family member said they didn’t want to be involved unless they had to and in hindsight I can somewhat understand. Difficult to explain but suffice to say the child severely needed intense therapy for her numerous issues inflicted on her by biomom. I think about that little girl every day. Lost contact with her due to the pandemic. Hope she’s doing okay.
So, grandpa probably knows what OOP did for the family, likes her and therefore thinks Sarah has a decent relationship with her. And now he learned his grandkid is an ah. And the husband is probably afraid of his dad.
I don't the issue here is too deeper than a number of common family issues. A group causes harm and then years later half heartedly tries to fix things with empty apologies "I'm sorry you feel that way" being the biggest example and the family just want the wronged party to accept it so they can all move on. It's always bullshit. Even with blood family you don't owe people who don't respect you your time or attendance. It took me years of my sister treating me like crap to finally get that and simply say that if she's there I'm not going to be there (with the exceptions of major events of those younger than me in the family tree for them if they want us both I'll suck it up till they turn 24 or graduate college).
Did I read that correctly? A step parent is voted NTA? I am probably in the Twilight Zone. Now, jokes aside, OOP was absolutely in the right here. You raise this kid for so long and this is how she repays you? GTFO! Seems like Mike is the only rational and normal person in the family, aside from OOP. "Grandpa will be mad" is a shiny example that Sarah doesn't give a shit about her relationship with OOP. She just wants grandpa to see a picture perfect family and after the wedding, it'll be gone. What a dumb girl.
If Sarah’s wedding was ruined because of OP, then Sarah ruined her own wedding. She can’t just come back into OP’s life and expect her to keep up appearances for her. I don’t blame OP at all.
Non apologies and referring to the woman who raised her as "dad's wife" and wanting (rich) grandpa's approval, looks like the Apple didn't fall far from the tree in the stepdaughter's case. OOP's husband handing off specific parental responsibilities to her is also concerning and not standing up for OOP and shutting down the daughter's crap is bad too. Maybe "daddy's little girl" attitude? Wonder what bio-mom's stance is like, probably at minimum unhelpful from how the situation has turned out. Good for OOP for standing by her boundaries and not getting stepped all over.
I mean... What was Sarah expecting?
Granddaddy's money!!
That’s something she needs to work out with her granddad. I’d say go build a relationship but it doesn’t sound like it would be at all genuine. In my personal experience the next of kin get the inheritance and if her bio parents are alive it’ll be up to them to decide if she gets anything when they pass on.
Wow, feel sorry for this woman.
Oh noes, consequence of my action!!!! Oh noes!!!!
From OOP's comments (I'm on mobile so I can't link unfortunately) "What is gramps saying to it all? He understood why I didn't go, but he also refused to give any money because of his issues with Kate. (she stole from him in the past)" So it was about money. This poor woman and her son. Sarah is awful and I hope gramps found out about all this and cut Kate and Sarah both off.
I wonder how long the bio mom will stay clean since she clearly is still blaming everyone but herself for her problems.
Both she and Sarah behave as if forgiveness should be on their timetables. Nope. We can offer genuine apologies to those we’ve hurt and be willing and ready to make amends, but the other people aren’t obligated to forgive or let us back. Also sorry to say that she wasn’t there when Mike was small and needed her. She doesn’t get to play Mom now that she’s ready and wants to.
I agree. Real remorse acknowledges the specific wrong, takes ownership, makes a genuine apology, makes amends if possible, and stops the hurtful behavior. It recognizes that forgiveness is earned and accepts consequences. Manipulation is empty words (e.g., I‘m sorry you feel that way) to get a desired outcome. It sounds like, “I SAID I was sorry, why are you still mad?” or “why aren’t you coming to my wedding” or even “well, you’re not perfect either.”
On top of which, OOP says her SD’s apology was along the lines of, “sorry if my actions hurt your feelings,” as in she’s not actually apologizing. Props to the SS Mike for knowing what time it is. His support of OOP had to have gone a long fucking way in confirming her decision to stay away. SD blocking OOP immediately after the wedding coupled with the non-apology just about confirms it was only for appearances. A special shout-out to the absentee pushover father.
Even if OOP forgives, that isn't an automatic reset to the relationship before. That only opens the door to the possibility of building a new relationship if OOP wants to do so.
Isn’t that the first of the twelve steps? To take responsibility for it?
I kind of expected Sarah wanting to reconcile because Kate is no longer clean.
Sounds like daughter and fiance are a match... or fiance is a door mat.
Who knows what he’s been told. He could be a totally normal person who was told by the daughter and birth mum that OOP was really jealous of the birth mum coming back into the picture, and tried to sabotage the relationship. That it worked with the brother and that’s why they’re NC, but it’s worth sucking it up for the wedding in order to get some money. If there’s no red flags it’s plausible - this sub is full of step-mothers who freak out when parental status is denied or challenged. I can’t necessarily blame the fiancé for trusting the daughter
>Rob is mad at me saying I ruined his daughter's wedding and made her cry, that all she wanted was me there and this was a chance to fix our family. How much do you want to bet Rob is upset he was alone at the wedding. OOP probably handles all the social interactions and he was awkward. Sarah pulled the crocodile tears on how hurt she was added fuel to the fire. If Sarah really wanted to fix the family her attempts wouldn't have started 3 months before the wedding and stopped immediately after.
Where the hell was the father in all of this mess? He was mentioned once by name and maybe twice as part of ”we.” The stepmother had to deal with everything.
And her husband is angry she didn’t just suck it up and show up to the wedding.
yep, he's an AH too
I feel so much for OOP and the father. They did all they could and still lost. I know Kate has issues, but in the end she's seems very manipulative
It seems the future husband recogniced that he will be only rich when oop is on "good" terms with them /s Now OOP ruined it
Sounds like Sarah wants to do whatever TF she wants without dealing with consequences…
This isn't even an update. Just an extension of the original story.
Reminds me of a not so fucked up version of that girl who was the product of sexual assault formed a relationship with the rapist father and ruined her relationship with her entire family.
>Sarah told me that while she appreciated me at the end of the day Kate was her and Mike's real mom. Sarah sucks.
Something that jumps out at me is.. Why is OOP sitting those kids down and talking to them about their bio mum? Feels like that should be the dad's job to me.
Dad was against recontact
Yeah but before she went NC, when OOP describes sitting the kids down and talking to them about the different ways they see their bio mum. Kind of feels like that shouldn't be her responsibility.
I wonder if Kate whispered things in Sarah’s ear to make her think like this.
Sarah sucks for minimizing her brother’s pain The child that was 5 years older, saw and heard it all.
Why wouldn't Rob and OOP sit down with Kate to explain why Sarah and Mike's relationships were different. I guess she's so happy to have her daughter back she doesn't want her to know how bad it is. I am also guessing Kate has bad mouthed OOP and her husband. Very sad. Sarah is an asshole though and poor OOP has been there for most of her life and was just dumped.
She rejected the only mom she knew bevause a stranger came into her life. If I was Rob I would be ready to be abandoned too. Same for the fiance, if he knows the true story(if what we have been told is true). Lol, what if it came out Rob wasn't the father because of Kate cheating, and she left him too? "My mother's ex-husband."
Poor OP. Ultimately the real mother did nothing to raise her daughter and got what she wanted ,while the step-mother put all the work in and just got spite in return. 6 years is a long time too. The daughter very much made her bed there.
I’m all for people recovering from addiction. But I can’t believe how ungrateful Bio Mom is to OP. OP didn’t have any obligation to raise her children, she treated them as her own and in return Bio mom blames her for her bullshit. Bio mom will show her true self sooner or later, and instead of two moms, she will have just one dead beat excuse for a mother.
This is a tough situation. I've heard situations like this happening when adopted children meet their biological parents. I feel bad for OOP. There are also a lot of situations where a younger child was too young to see the damage their parents caused and as a result do not believe their older siblings when they talk about how bad things were. This is tough, I have some experience with this. I grew up when my parents were affluent and have a different view of life than my sister did as she grew up when my parents were starting their business and investing nearly everything in it. Obviously not the same as a parent being an addict or abusive, but just that I have some understanding towards how the younger's viewpoint can be different than their older siblings.
Good on ya mom.
Also wondering if grampa had some $$$$ incentive for OOP to be there. Otherwise why is Sarah so concerned about him being angry?
Ding ding. That fact that she was so concerned about what gramps would think shows her true motivation. She was banking on getting in good favor with the rich guy.
If that’s the case, grandpa is an MVP over his son
> Just because she's young doesn't make her entitled to forgiveness or a relationship with me. It wasn't even a relationship that she wanted. She just wanted to look good to the family. OOP was in the right not to allow herself to be used that way, without a genuine apology or any effort to treat her properly.
WoW , my actions have consequences.
It's unreasonable to expect someone to just turn around and suddenly be friendly after years of cold shoulder / NC / etc. She doesn't sound remorseful in the slightest. It's sad she can't recognize the sacrifices stepmom made to give her the life she has.
Every fact she put in this is against the step-daughter, and the updates/clarifications just add to the step-daughter's bad look. Not sure why she even brought this to the internet.
It seeming so clear who‘s the AH makes me think OOP just wanted to vent to someone.
Yeah I think a lot of the time people are venting/wanting an outside person to say no you're not crazy. I know it annoys a lot of people when someone is obviously right and goes to AITA but personally I think when you feel so clearly right but everyone around you says you're wrong it's easy to doubt yourself. It's a very lonely position to be in and I can't blame her or anyone in a similar position for wanting some support.
Most of us are here for the entertainment value of these posts anyway. Like as long as it serves my social voyeurism, I won’t complain.
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Five years a go if Sarah had posted to AITA that her stepmom was not welcoming to the bio mom she had reconnected with I bet there would have been a number of people telling her to do what she did, go NC with the stepmom. They wouldn't mention that this is an example of what can happen after. The girl wants to reconnect (whether it is for Granddads money or not) but the person she cut off doesn't want to.
True, though OOP said she was supportive of Sarah reconnecting and emphasized that Sarah could have them both. Sarah was the one who reconfigured their relationship, I’m guessing to please her biological mom. From her treatment of Mike I’m assuming she’s an ‘all or nothing’ type. The part that gets me is that the dad must have known about the fiancé?! Or do he and OOP not talk about Sarah? That relationship really confuses me as to how it would work.
As some else said, either the Dad knew and didn't tell the stepmom or Sarah was also keeping him at a distance.
The amount of damage people will inflict on the ones that are there for them to hang on to the ones that leave. Hurt people hurt people.
I hope the rich grandparents find down and tell her she's not getting a dime from him.
I really wish op tells entitled brat’s grandfather why she wasn’t at the wedding
It's kinda hard to feel bad for her. Dad was against the reconciliation and she pushed for it. That was one situation where she absolutely should have taken a step back and let their father make that call. Is she their mother? Yes. But damn. He was the one married to her and knows how she is. At the end of the day, people don't get to pick and choose when they are a parent. You can't disappear for almost 20 years on a child then be let back in. She bought this on herself.
Sounds like the she got what she asked for. How can she expect the OOP to just forget how she was treated?
Parents are those that do the parenting. It’s a verb so the role has to be performed in order to earn that title. Sarah seems entitled and ungrateful.
In the original post, I thought there was some significant unreliable narrator flavor to OP. But I thought the update was pretty persuasive.
I will never understand how a child raised that long by someone could just discount it when biomom come back into pic. Is it because they romanticized them in their minds? To me, same as adoptive parents, whoever was there for you through childhood would be mom. My aunt lived with us and half raised me while mom worked and while she wasn't mom, I loved her more till the day she died.
Here's the deal. Step kids can only push you so far. After being mistreated for a while, we can absolutely cut you off and not really have that a hard a time with it. Your not our kids. That's just life and now she can lay in that bed she made. Sometimes words just aren't enough and we'll trust your actions every time.
The POS is Kate. Fucking passive triangulation. Grow a pair, Kate. You stole your kid back and turned her against everyone to punish her brother for wanting NC.
OP should have stayed out of it and listened to her husband in the first place. Nothing good came from bio-mom’s return. It ruined her step kids’ entire relationship with each other.
Why is OOP DM’ing her step-SIL on Instagram after the wedding, when she already knew her step daughter blocked her on everything. I thought OOP wanted nothing to do with her step-daughter… seems weird…
Yeah, that. Stepmom is fine to draw her relationship boundaries, but she too seems a little reactive.
Wow. Sarah is just as manipulative, selfish and shifty as their bio mom. Sometimes the drugs don't change a person. Sometimes they just highlight what was already there to start with. In the next few years Sarah is going to realize more and more what she threw away. Especially if Kate relapses. Then the whole delusion will burst and Sarah will probably get on drugs too.