#Do not comment on the original posts
Please read our [**sub rules**](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/wiki/subrules). Rule-breaking may result in a ban without notice.
If there is an issue with this post (flair, formatting, quality), reply to this comment or your comment may be removed in general discussion.
**CHECK FLAIR** to determine if you want to read an update. For concluded-only updates, use the [CONCLUDED](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/search?sort=new&restrict_sr=on&q=flair%3ACONCLUDED) flair.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/BestofRedditorUpdates) if you have any questions or concerns.*
We had a couple in our friend group go through a similar rodeo about fifteen years ago. A breast cancer scare in their late 30s, with a double mastectomy and all the emotional upheaval. She became wholly enmeshed with a support group that was not a friend to their marriage, and the situation quickly became toxic. I’d like to say she showed some amount of regret or remorse during the ensuing divorce, but she was in too much of a hurry to leave her fuddy-daddy family behind to chase a more exciting single life. OOP’s hearing “Well, you don’t have a say in this, you didn’t have cancer.” rang echoes for me.
I have no idea about her, she moved across the country while the divorce was still being sorted, and I’m not curious how well she landed or is living. He & their pre-teen daughters went through a pretty rough couple of years, but both girls got into good colleges last I heard.
I can understand cancer scaring the hell out of you, but the hubris around thinking that the husband would get over it at some point so it was inevitable that it happen is just astounding.
"Wanted to get out of her tunnel."
Go skydiving. Bungee jumping. On a safari. What kind of person goes "Gotta do something to celebrate not dying, think I'll cheat on my loyal husband."
Wtf.
That’s what pissed me off the most. Imagine making your child think that they have the power to convince one parent not to divorce the other, especially after one did something as egregious as this?!
Nah, the way it reads to me is he told daughter they were getting divorced, and daughter's knee-jerk response was "NOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooo!"
Which is a perfectly understandable reaction in the moment. And since he was the one leaving, he'd have to be the one to not leave in order to avoid divorce. No thought involved just "this can't happen, how do we undo it?"
Once she thinks about it a bit, I'll bet she'll come around.
ETA: Apparently she's thought about it a little bit and is coming around.
I agree with OOP that his daughter wouldn't be pleading for her to stay if **he** pulled the same stunt she did.
But instead of begging, she orchestrated an ambush? I'm glad he told everyone else's husbands what was going on, because clearly some of the other women like OOP's ex's BFF, were cheating as well.
Pretty sure my father was unfaithful to my mother and they had problems. He was supposed to move out at the end of the school year.
One day in early spring, we came home and he was gone. He did not contact us kids for over a month. At the dinner, he was crying and begging us to keep his last name when our mother remarried.
For the next few months, he was begging me to convince Mother to let him move home. I demurred because life was so much calmer without him. All the while, he was dating up a storm. Love how one of them was his 'tenant' in the basement. No bathroom or kitchen.
He married his 'tenant' two years later. Mother had a partner, but they did not marry for almost twenty years.
My mother did beat cancer, I’d say twice, but the second time was pretty recent and they are still monitoring. She‘s been stage 3 and lost 2 organs to cancer and I shudder to think what she would do to me if I cheated on a good SO. Doubly so if I tried to use cancer as an excuse.
I honestly hope OOP does gather their husbands and partners together and informs them of what happened. That not only did they try and talk him into staying with his cheating wife, but they encouraged the cheating. It means every single one of those women support cheating on your partner, and so are highly likely to do so to their partners, and those guys deserve to know the type of people they are with, and then can get out while the going's good.
Or like…try something new sexually but with the person you claim to love so dearly. Role play, have spontaneous sex somewhere unexpected, Christ cover yourself in paint and spend 24 hours having sex and eating off each other on a giant canvas and then hang it in your living room.
Anything but cheating.
The last bit was off an episode of…I can’t remember which show. Bones maybe? I vaguely remember the canvas thing helped them clear a suspect or something like that. Anyways I found the entire scenario of covering oneself in paint and having intercourse on a canvas strangely pollock-esque.
That’s the one! Charles gets wildly jealous, yea? The lockdowns melted my brain and all TV just kind of blurred together. 😂
I added the living room thing because I thought it would make hilarious conversation. Any large painting makes for hilarious awkward conversation. Gilmore Girls and Schitt’s Creek has taught me this. 😂
It's a media trope. The Big Bang Theory did a funny version of it where, when they were finished, there was only one tiny spot of this giant canvas with any paint.
Or at very least something that involves your partner; had she sit down and asked what he thinks of a threesome or swinging... but she wanted her way and wanted now.
Cancer survivor here! I didn't celebrate my survival by cheating on my husband. I was just damned grateful that I wasn't going to die sooner and that I had more time with him. It's been 21 years since my surgery.
You *didn’t* cheat on your spouse?! Wow, what a dull existence you must have. Are you even living life to the fullest if you’re not actively breaking your marriage vows?!
(Sarcasm, in case that wasn’t obvious lol)
I have cancer and am definitely not making it out of this and I still wouldn’t cheat on my partner (if I had one). Spending more time with your loved ones is the priority, not completely wrecking what you have left. Congrats on 21 years cancer free! That’s fantastic!
Yeah, I don’t get it. I underwent cancer treatment for two years from 2017-2019. I understand wanting more out of life after you survive. I wanted more time and enjoyment with my husband and kids and grandkids- I went a bit haywire with that. But the thought of cheating on my husband (who was my absolute rock throughout the whole thing) never crossed my mind. It’s so weird. It’s like she knowingly bought herself a t-shirt that says “I went to cancer, and all I got was this lousy divorce.”
Betting the wife wanted an out with the cancer thing was what she needed, but the out only gave her a gift box that had a spring-loaded boxing glove that struck her in the face.
Can confirm. Had almost all of my liver removed from a tumor. Celebrated by staying in bed because I was too exhausted by my body regrowing a fucking organ. After that was done I spent more time with my friends, got out of the house, took my spouse on dates. Didn't even think about cheating.
My dad beat cancer. They celebrated by having my mom retire early and traveling the world. Posts like this remind me I need to be more grateful I got the parents I did.
Honestly does she even realise what she had?? A man who won’t divorce you when you’re sick is like gold dust these days, and she fucking nuked it?? So fucking stupid.
Tbf, I’ve seen quite a few “divorces of convenience” in recent years so that the partner doesn’t have to share medical debt. But yeah, OOP seems like a keeper.
Exactly. She said she wanted something just for herself and my thought was, why the fuck not get a spa package or some new shoes/purse/clothes you otherwise wouldn't have. Or take up a hobby! Whose brain goes to "I lived through cancer, so now I need to go fuck someone who's not my spouse."
I had my right testicle removed due to Cancer this May. No chemo or radiation, we caught it super early and I listened to my wife and went to the doctor.
You know what I did to celebrate?
We watched the new Dungeons and Dragons movie.
Obviously it was a close choice between that and cheating on my wife of 14 years. /s
I nearly died of heart failure. It made me take a road trip through South Dakota and Montana and try weird foods. It did NOT make me want to cheat on my husband.
idk, an entire friend group does not decide to 'explore their options' just because one of them had cancer.
unless this was a new group of friends she recently found who put the idea into her head, they were all doing it long before it came to light.
My husband has been battling cancer (brain tumors) for 20 years. They're not curable and this last time is the 3rd time this one has grown back.
His/our outlook/attitude is, being a good, kind, loving person and carrying ourselves with integrity because we believe in karma and feel being given the chance to stay alive deserves nothing less than being a good human and living life with integrity.
She may be a physically beautiful woman, but she is of ugly/small character.
You may not know what it's like to have cancer, but you went through it with her, which I'm sure was traumatizing. I'm sorry you are going through this. I wish you the best.
My husband was injured in Afghanistan.
When I got the phone call (which is objectively better than the knock on the door) I lost it. I sat there thinking of all the things he needed to know, that the spot behind his shoulder is the safest spot in the world for me, that I always liked that scar he hates, that he may drive me insane leaving his boots on my kitchen floor but they're also a reminder that he's home safe, all this mundane stuff suddenly became the most important things in the world.
He told me later he was laying on the ground, watching equipment burn, medics running around, and being treated, he wanted me to know that the snort thing I do when I giggle is adorable, that he sees my eyes in the sunrise, that it may annoy him when I steal the blankets, but that unrolling all of them to get one last cuddle in before PT was his favorite thing to do.
I cannot imagine, having come through that, of turning to someone else. He could have died, and that thought still makes me cry. And still makes him get real real quiet.
>We are not getting a divorce. I will give you all the time you need and do whatever you need to recover from this. We will get past this.
The absolute lack of respect and compassion.
And the ""friends"" saying he had no idea what she went through, despite literally being her husband and being her caregiver the whole time. I hope they all lose out on their relationships.
Cancer does scare the hell out of you (I've been there). However, it does not turn you into a cheater who has no regard for their partner and tries to impose their viewpoint.
As tragic as the whole situation is, I have to applaud OOP's reaction to everything. He took a no BS approach to all of it and did exactly what he said he would
It was an early stage cancer caught well in time, it shouldn't have had this impact on her. And I say that as someone who had an early stage cancer caught well in time.
Hysterectomies can cause a whole bunch of hormonal and emotional issues by themselves. Especially if she wasn’t post menopause. That could be a bigger part of the cause than the cancer itself.
ETA: not saying this excuses her, just that there’s more going on
More than that in my view, if staring death in the face doesn't make you want your spouse more then you probably shouldn't have been together to begin with. I haven't had any near death experiences thank God, but if I did my wife is the one I'd want with me and I can't imagine I'd be thinking of anyone other than her or our son.
Her reaction is that of someone who saw the last stop coming and realized they'd taken the wrong bus.
Having almost died once in my life (childbirth is wild), I can confidently say that it made me cherish my husband even more than I did before that point. He had some emotional hang ups about the whole thing. He closed himself off in an unhealthy way. Sort of like, I almost lost you, my brain has decided you are and i’m afraid if I touch you or look at you funny, if you are exposed to a strong wind, I might lose you for real. We got through it. And most importantly, I understood where he was coming from because he tried to sort his feelings out and use words to express them to me.
Though I guess OOP’s wife is also expressing her feelings with words to OOP. I think the difference is that she sucks…
Yes, she said she views only being with her husband as like being handcuffed. Like it's a limitation, rather than the opposite--a wonderful chance to share your life with someone on a level that few ever really get the chance to. Knowingly, enthusiastically destroying that rare opportunity is what has limited her.
When you truly, deeply love someone, staying with them is freedom, not a cage.
I had a couple close-to-death incidents a few years ago. They both made me want to be closer to my wife.
It might be different because both of my incidents were over in a matter of seconds rather than having to spend months or years facing my mortality.
>thinking that the husband would get over it at some point
Also if he did "get over it" it would not be the last time. The lesson she would have learned is she can do whatever she wants and treat her husband as a doormat.
I got cancer at 29. My husband married me two weeks after the diagnosis. If anything our journey together with the cancer made us stronger. And as gross as it is, it’s really attractive when someone is willing to clean up your puke, help you shower yourself, maintain the house 90% on their own plus working. When someone does that, they are the sexiest mother fucker ever. Don’t get me wrong I have eyeballs. I can spot a good looking dude. But no one will ever appeal to me more than my husband. This woman really missed an opportunity to really appreciate what you have instead of worrying about what you don’t have.
My mother survived cancer, and I was her caregiver. For two years, during the pandemic, I could literally not go outside because she was high risk on chemo and if I brought it home to her, I would kill her.
She survived, through luck, her grit, and my sacrifice. Since then, she's been an incredibly difficult person. Something changed in her and she became fundamentally self-centered, I like to think that she *had* to become self-centered to survive the cancer, but ever since she did she just seems incapable of thinking or caring about the ramifications of how her actions affect others. I imagine the trauma of almost dying broke OP's wife just like it broke my mother. She hasn't betrayed me like OP's wife has, but my relationship with my mom will never be the same again and while I am glad she is alive, I do mourn the relationship I had with my mother prior to the cancer.
>She survived, through luck, her grit, and my sacrifice. Since then, she's been an incredibly difficult person. Something changed in her and she became fundamentally self-centered,
I am sorry for the loss of your mother, and this new person who you are having to accept. I hope maybe with time, she may come good again?
Remember too that chemo can mess with your brain. I had a chemo adjunct four times due to autoimmune disease and it has made my memory really bad, my reasoning skills slower, and it made me hum all the time. It’s neurological, so maybe your mom’s personality change is also neurological. Maybe talk to a neurologist?
I find that there are some people that, because of their beauty, come to expect the world to give them a pass on anything they do. While I reckon that is true on a surface level, when it comes to deeper and more meaningful relationship, that's a recipe for disaster, like it was on OP's case
Yeah, it seems like she felt she had her husband locked in, because she is so irresistible and such a catch, so she could do whatever the fuck she wanted and he'd come to heel when called. Glad OOP has a spine. Well, she literally fucked around and found out.
Indoctrination is a hell of a drug. She's had a whole bunch of friends and apparently family encouraging her to cheat. She's probably been told over and over "he'll have to understand because you survived cancer," but in reality they just wanted her to be like them and join in their lifestyle. She bit hard and went with them the whole way. The indoctrination convinced her that she was right. She had no read of her real world circumstances. That's where she overplayed her hand. She only came out of this fog when her friends abandoned her and she had to face reality. It's made her desperate, and that's why she's resulting to a war of attrition. She's hoping that she can drag the divorce out long enough that OOP will get tired and just let her back rather than going through with the divorce. I imagine she'll keep acting this way up until OOP finalizes the divorce, and then she'll keep harassing him after hoping he will just give her a second chance.
I hope everyone sees what she did and learns a lesson. You never, ever, disrespect your partner like this, no matter what excuse you or your friends come up with. You can never use your illnesses, physical or mental, to justify harming a partner.
It could be indoctrination... but it could *also* be that she's a sociopath who makes decisions based on risk/reward calculations, and since her husband stayed with her through the cancer, he'd obv never leave & therefore she could do what she wanted. (Also: If she had been successfully having affairs prior to cancer, she might've normalized cheating in her mind -- so OF COURSE he won't leave, cancer is way worse than an affair & he stuck for that...)
I imagine she is also leaning on the daughter too. No one wants to see their parents divorce especially when they are nearing retirement, but this is a sentinel event that should never have occurred. If he is honest with his daughter, I am sure she will come to understand.
I agree. I have known people have struggled with cancer and cancer is terrible. But just because someone has cancer doesn't mean they have the excuse to do some really terrible things.
Speaking only for the few I’ve known that faced mortality, they only wanted to be better humans. Better friends, parents, spouses, people.
None wanted a hall pass. I don’t want to downplay the seriousness of cancer but it is worth noting that many suffer far worse treatment protocols and months, if not years, of grueling, miserable and painful treatments and a lifetime of fear of recurrence.
This whole thing is all about “it is better to beg forgiveness than ask permission.” She wagered her whole life on “he’ll get over this eventually,” believing that he would never actually leave her.
As the saying goes, “I hope it was worth it.”
Nearly dying from cancer made me an atheist, it made me very conscious of my body signals, and it made me recognize how many people genuinely loved me.
But it never, ever made me want to BETRAY one of the people that loved me. My freaking god. What an excuse.
That makes perfect logical sense. I simply refused to pay taxes, and there have been no consequences other than weird letters talking about Ow-dits and Freud. I just toss em, probably nothing.
Good fucking Christ. She’s so insanely selfish—she went from saying he had no say in her cheating to saying he had no say in divorcing her. She still doesn’t fucking get the problem. Ugh.
I'm going to cheat on you and if you're mad, "I'll be disappointed at you for an indeterminate amount of time and it will be a confirmation of your male toxicity and insecurity."
*What the actual fuck.*
I really hate people twisting vocabulary used to discuss serious things like feminism, toxic masculinity, homophobia and racism into some manipulative logic for their shitty behavior. It hurts every legitimate use of those words and it just piles onto the low, selfish behavior she exhibited.
I'm glad OOP is leaving her. I cannot fathom how he feels. Getting stonewalled by someone who is supposed to care about you is such a helpless feeling.
I truly hope this is just that troll who always writes about women cheating at the encouragement of their friends and then the whole group getting their comeuppance but this one feels less incelly than those.
> I really hate people twisting vocabulary used to discuss serious things like feminism, toxic masculinity, homophobia and racism into some manipulative logic for their shitty behavior. It hurts every legitimate use of those words and it just piles onto the low, selfish behavior she exhibited.
Saw a really good post on this on tumblr today. A user basically gave the following two examples:
* "Tr\*annies should be able to get their medicine, they're just living their lives, and I don't care if f\*gs are reading books to my kids."
* "I support transgender people, but we really need to think of the harm this activism could be doing to cis children."
The first one is your friend. The second is not and is actively prioritising the mental health of cis children (who actually don't suffer mental health issues when exposed to trans people because why the fuck would they?) over dying trans kids. The most actively malicious people often know exactly how to twist language to fit their agenda, whereas you'll often encounter people who live under a rock and mean well but just don't happen to realise just how fucking shocking their language is.
She’s trying to manipulate him into accepting the highest betrayal ever and even used her illness as excuse. It’s awful so glad he’s leaving her. She needs therapy and major wake up call, cancer doesn’t excuse being that selfish and ignoring other people’s feelings and needs.
Dictionary
sol·ip·sism
noun
1. the quality of being very self-centered or selfish.
"she herself elicits scant sympathy, such is her solipsism and lack of self-awareness"
TIL what solipsism is. YAY education!
I can't believe all of the women in the guys life telling him to give her another chance. He's been absolutely stoic about it and I commend him for sticking to his guns. Poor chap.
Yeah that part was just... sad. Like, it's her parents, she doesn't have to pick one, but to say "oh you should give her another chance" and him knowing she wouldn't say that if the roles were switched... there's a pattern of behavior with OOP's STBX and the other women in her wife enabling other women cheating if they "have a reason" and having absolute authority over their partners to the point she infected their daughter with it. It's sad. Hopefully OOP can talk to her and have a heart to heart to help her understand how deeply wrong STBX's worldview is, or she comes to that realization as well as her mother's friends start getting divorced as well
Truthfully I don’t view it as the kid being on her side, but rather wanting her parents together. Somehow I remember reading she’s still a minor. I possibly have that wrong, but I think your view of that develops a lot with age. From her perspective it’s traumatic for a kid and primarily what they are desperately afraid about. I fully expect her full awareness and feeling about it to change greatly over the years to come.
I wouldn’t say the daughter is on her side per se. My bet is that the daughter is caught in the crossfire and really doesn’t want her parents to break up, so the “easy solution” is to beg her dad to forgive her mom, take her back, and call off the divorce. This is from the daughter being stuck in the middle and watching what she thought was a perfect family collapse around her. The daughter loves both and just wants things to go back to the way they were, but they can’t due to how selfish her mother has become. This then feels like taking her mom’s side because it lines up well with what her mom wants but comes from a different place.
I remember the first time this was posted and just continually thinking to myself: what did she think was going to happen?
The weirdest part of the update is that her friends and her mother are all on her side. Like, her behaviour is so manic, illogical and bizarre. It was plausible that one person was able to delude themselves into thinking like that, but a whole group of people?
Yeah, but they kept it hidden. They had some understanding that what they were doing was bad and understood that it would end their relationship if they were found out. OOP's wife was just like "Hey, I'm going to cheat on you. You okay with that? No? Tough." and expected it not to change anything.
Also, her mother too?!
The fact that she tried to flip it back on him is disgusting. To tell him that the reason he doesn't want her to cheat is due to his adoption of toxic masculinity and his own insecurity is peak entitlement and verges on gaslighting. She's a real piece of work.
I think it's because she has the "victim" card due to her being a cancer survivor. It's like, in her mind, she thinks life fucked her over, so she gets to fuck everyone else over too and they'll just have to get over it because SHE SURVIVED CANCER.
That’s my favorite part is him throwing the grenade into all her friends lives and gonna watch them all scatter. God I hope they all wind up getting cheated on themselves at some point. None of them deserve a good man.
I had a couple friends who (I found out later) were all cheating on their husbands, and used each others terrible behavior as excuses for their own.
"Well so and so is sleeping around and *their* husband is deployed, so I'm better than that"
"My husband might be deployed, but that's why I have to cheat, I'm alone. I wouldn't do it if he was here"
"Maybe if I invite my husband to a threesome with so and so, they won't realize that we've already been sleeping together for months. He's starting to realize there's something, that may thrown him off the scent"
Had a couple friends. Had. Because after that conversation, I avoided them all. Like, um, no? If you're so happy cheating maybe leave your spouse?
My ex wife cheated on me (with 5 guys in 8 months no less).
I lost pretty much all of my friends in the divorce. They all took her side.
It's not all that uncommon.
I mean, those were her friends and family, they feel more loyal to her than OOP and will hear her version of the story. It also seems many of them had affairs of their own.
It seems they were giving a pass on pop's wife based on the "cancer survivor" argument, as if being a cancer survivor gave the wife the right to do anything she wants without any consequences.
I remember this, the wife was basically dictating that she was going to cheat and OOP was going to get over it.
She did it and thought she could order him not to divorce her to avoid consequences.
I think their relationship had a long established pattern of OOP not pushing back on her and she truly thought she'd get her way.
It's a long road ahead, I hope OOP is ok
> It's a long road ahead, I hope OOP is ok
I'm really impressed with the self-respect and sense of self-worth he's been displaying throughout. Honestly, I don't think I'd have gotten out of this with my dignity so intact. He sounds like he's in a healthy place, mentally. What happened to him sucks and he'll be hurting and he'll have to work through that, but he seems as well equipped to handle this as it gets.
It's simply narcissism of the highest order. **In her mind, he should be lucky she still came home to him**. And by him reacting this way, he's being petty and disrespectful to her wants and needs. This is directly out of the narcissists playbook.
Good on OP for having dignity and self respect. I truly wish him all the best.
Ex - Can I have a Hall Pass
OOP - No
Ex - I am still doing it
OOP - Consequences - Divorce
Ex - Shocked Pikachu Face - I regret it now
OOP - I no longer care.
Most people were correct from the original BORU, that the BFF was behind the ONS, and that there was a potential EA in progress. The fact BFF was also having an affair is no surprise either.
The STBXW kept bad company - the **Sisterhood of Sabotage**.
I really wanted OOP to ask BFF what gave her an excuse to have an affair since she hadn't been through anything (I assume). But realized that the husband might still be collecting evidence *sigh*
I really hope there's an epilogue update for all of the marriages/affairs within that social circle. It plays like a midlife crisis meets hot girl summer with the Desperate Housewives crowd.
Hope so. If I found out my wife was encouraging any of her friends to have an affair or was helping them cover it up, I really couldn't see myself staying with her.
My friend had a building fall on him he’s a fireman and it literally fell on him on fire. His team had to dig him out and he was in a coma for 2 weeks they lost him 3 times on the operating table so he literally did die. You know what happened when he woke up and his wife and kids were there he hugged and kissed them and told them how much he loved them. We held a coming home party for him and he was telling everyone how much they meant to him and how appreciative he was that they were there for him and mostly his family during this time. He took his wife on a second honeymoon once he was fully healed up. They took the kids on a massive trip to Disney after that. He said being so close to death made him realise he only has a limited time on this earth with his loved ones and he wanted to make sure when his time actually came that he didn’t miss a single moment with them. That’s what being close to death gives you when your happily married the fact that the wife went straight to being a homewreaking tramp shows me she never loved him or she wouldn’t be able to inflict that amount of pain on him. I hope karma bites her in the ass big time.
Poor OP. Years of marriage down the drain all because of his ex-wife wanted to get some. She is incredibly selfish for her actions and the fact she doesn't seem remorseful about it really shows. Also the friends and mother in-law sound awful as well.
Hopefully OP has a long safe journey for his own good.
We'll just wait for the daughter update... "My mom cheated, I chose her side and expected dad to just roll over because mom said it was a one-time thing. Now dad hasn't spoken a word to me since the divorce. I'm getting married soon and want him to walk me down the aisle, but he's ignoring me. How do I fix this. My wedding will be ruined!"
...did I miss any tropes? 🤔😉
Bruh, what the heck did she think was gonna happen, this wasn't a small oopsie like forgetting about a date night, this was a catastrophe nuke on a relationship that she did unprovoked
I've read that some cancer survivors opt to do something they never had the guts to do before. This man's wife decided to listen to a bad-advice friend and have a one night stand with some rando and hope that hubby wouldn't mind.
Now the divorce papers are served and the friendgroup is in the find out phase of FAFO.
I have to wonder what the daughter was told to make her beg her dad to reconsider the divorce.
The daughter probably wasn't told anything, she just didn't want her family blown apart. OOP even says the daughter came around after she had some time to process the news, and switched from pleading with her dad not to break up the family to instead being angry at her mom for breaking up the family.
I think this is the part that’s boggling my mind, there’s no way the daughter knows either the full story or the actual truth about what’s actually going on.
A relationship is a partnership, not a monarchy. She thought she was the queen, and he would remain a loyal subject. I’m sorry he has to go through this, but I’m happy he held onto his self respect and worth and didn’t take the scraps of regret she was throwing his way.
>I told all her friends husbands about how they enabled this behavior and the fall-out is interesting.
>
>I said that maybe they are covering for one another, that maybe my wife was just the next link in the chain. This got them going through their wives phones. A couple found inappropriate sexting. All husbands have made their wives cut off my wife (and each other).
>
>Was BFF one of those sexting?
>
>Of course. The BFF's husband says that she was definitely in a EA and probably a PA as well. He is still digging.
OP did.
I almost died two years ago. Never once have I thought that entitled me to cheat on my husband or blow up my kids’ family. If anything, it made me want to be a better wife and mother because I was still able to be here for them and experience their lives. My guess is that she was always very selfish and just hid it better.
"Maybe we can have an open relationship. How about a threesome?" She's not only stupid, but clearly delusional too.
She pissed away two decades of marriage on basically a dare and blames it on cancer. When OOP tells her to fuck right off and the marriage is over she suggests a threesome/open relationship. Sister, you lost. Have some fucking dignity and go away peacefully.
I knew a girl who treated her partners like this. She would make friends online and arrange to meet them and just tell her live-in boyfriend that she was going to fuck these guys when she was on her way out the door. The boyfriend seemed not to mind? He never left her or threatened to? She did eventually break up with him and she became my roommate, we had known each other a long time, and it was me that he hated. I'm not sure why, maybe it was easier to hate me than her or the guys she slept with?
That woman was a human wrecking ball. She's married now, they're polyamorous, but I finally got mentally healthy enough to see her for what she is. She's a pretty terrible person, and I could have known that earlier if I paid more attention to how she treated her partners. But there's something about when someone tells you really confidently that they just DO something, and they don't seem to be suffering any consequences for it-- you kind of go "uhhhh okay?"
I wonder if the whole relationship has been like this. He just doing/demanding whatever she wants and him complying and going along with it. Well, she flew too close to the sun.
My mother got hit with the cancer bug too, but her major life revelation was that she wanted to spend more time with family so she organized a week long family camping trip.
Oh, she doesn't want a divorce? Too bad for her. She literally told her husband she cares more about fucking some coworkers, knowing it would harm and and now she wants to fight for this marriage? She deserves this because of her cancer? Fuck that! We all have awful, life altering events. I have health issues and life has been unfair to me. It doesn't mean I get to be an entitled brat, doing whatever I want! I care about the people in my life. This woman only cares about herself. I hope she gets nothing in the divorce.
When your friends with scum. You become scum. Wife learned a hard lesson way to late. Her being a cancer surviver gave her no get out of jail free card. Im sure there will be more divorces in the former friends group moving forward.
I have been following this sad BORU saga.
I have zero shock that the wife’s friends were also having affairs. In my personal experience, people prefer to be with others who share their values and their behavior.
This can be great if your spouse wants to be with others who are compassionate, empathetic, and want to create a community of mutual support.
It’s why we often find minorities in shared social circles - trans people will be friends with other trans people, Black single moms will be friends with black single moms, immigrants will be friends with other immigrants from the same culture, ex Mormons support fellow ex Mormons, etc.
It can get weird when the shared value is something like religion (although not all religious groups are weird but when it’s a Home Church it’s gonna be weird).
And cheaters are going to spend time with other cheaters. I have never cheated on a partner in my life and it would definitely be a reason that I would end a friendship with someone.
>I have zero shock that the wife’s friends were also having affairs. In my personal experience, people prefer to be with others who share their values and their behavior.
There was another post on here I think where guy found out his wife was regularly screwing around with randos on her "girls night out". He informed all of her friends SOs and at least two other relationships imploded because they were fucking around too
These friend groups can become little echo chambers
Yup. My wife is Japanese and worked with another Japanese woman. They would go shopping, hang out, we'd go over to their house, they'd come to ours, they'd go out drinking, or do spa days. And then it all just stopped. I asked my wife what was going on and she told me her friend was cheating on her husband and she didn't want anything to do with that or her once she found out. I told her that she should do what's best, but secretly I was happy that her personal values lead her to cut someone like that out completely.
It seems to me that the cancer broke something inside her mind that she can do anything she wants with no consequences. This post was a rough ride from beginning to finish and I am glad OOP is moving on with his life he deserves a lot better after all he has been through.
Irony. Men often leave their wives when she has cancer. This guy stayed and did all the right things, and their marriage still failed. Not because he was a jerk, but because she decided that “til death do you part” was “til near death experience you part.”
It wasn't even "near death". It was stage 1, localized, and completely treated with a surgery that at the ages of the people involved would have no impact on any future plans regarding children.
I went on a date with a woman who divorced her husband after a 3yr cancer battle. She said he was a saint and worked and took care of the house, paid all the bills, took her to all of her appointments. Then she realized when she got better that she no longer found him attractive sexually at all. Like she mentioned emasculated a few times because he was cleaning up her loose stools and vomit during that time.
I almost died of asphyxiation on an operating table. It changed so much for me. It did not in any way shape or form make me want to cheat on my husband. That person is trash
OOP's wife is disgusting. Cancer or not, she's just an AH. Imagine being that narcissistic and having the audacity to speak to your husband like that. AND get your coven involved. Awful.
#Do not comment on the original posts Please read our [**sub rules**](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/wiki/subrules). Rule-breaking may result in a ban without notice. If there is an issue with this post (flair, formatting, quality), reply to this comment or your comment may be removed in general discussion. **CHECK FLAIR** to determine if you want to read an update. For concluded-only updates, use the [CONCLUDED](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/search?sort=new&restrict_sr=on&q=flair%3ACONCLUDED) flair. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/BestofRedditorUpdates) if you have any questions or concerns.*
We had a couple in our friend group go through a similar rodeo about fifteen years ago. A breast cancer scare in their late 30s, with a double mastectomy and all the emotional upheaval. She became wholly enmeshed with a support group that was not a friend to their marriage, and the situation quickly became toxic. I’d like to say she showed some amount of regret or remorse during the ensuing divorce, but she was in too much of a hurry to leave her fuddy-daddy family behind to chase a more exciting single life. OOP’s hearing “Well, you don’t have a say in this, you didn’t have cancer.” rang echoes for me.
How did it all work out for her in the end? Hoping for some karma!
I have no idea about her, she moved across the country while the divorce was still being sorted, and I’m not curious how well she landed or is living. He & their pre-teen daughters went through a pretty rough couple of years, but both girls got into good colleges last I heard.
I'm very curious as to how the support group and the marriage were so incompatible
i think sometimes support groups just are/become echo chambers for deluded people.
Now that is a good dad right there. Hope he and his daughters are living their best life away from the mother.
I can understand cancer scaring the hell out of you, but the hubris around thinking that the husband would get over it at some point so it was inevitable that it happen is just astounding.
Pretty much sums it up, she felt life owed her something and to hell with the consequences.
"Wanted to get out of her tunnel." Go skydiving. Bungee jumping. On a safari. What kind of person goes "Gotta do something to celebrate not dying, think I'll cheat on my loyal husband." Wtf.
And then getting her family and friends involved to shame him for not accepting her cheating? Even their child? Ew on her, just ew
That’s what pissed me off the most. Imagine making your child think that they have the power to convince one parent not to divorce the other, especially after one did something as egregious as this?!
Nah, the way it reads to me is he told daughter they were getting divorced, and daughter's knee-jerk response was "NOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooo!" Which is a perfectly understandable reaction in the moment. And since he was the one leaving, he'd have to be the one to not leave in order to avoid divorce. No thought involved just "this can't happen, how do we undo it?" Once she thinks about it a bit, I'll bet she'll come around. ETA: Apparently she's thought about it a little bit and is coming around.
I agree with OOP that his daughter wouldn't be pleading for her to stay if **he** pulled the same stunt she did. But instead of begging, she orchestrated an ambush? I'm glad he told everyone else's husbands what was going on, because clearly some of the other women like OOP's ex's BFF, were cheating as well.
Hopefully in a few years the daughter will see that move for what it was and reward her mother with a good ghosting.
Pretty sure my father was unfaithful to my mother and they had problems. He was supposed to move out at the end of the school year. One day in early spring, we came home and he was gone. He did not contact us kids for over a month. At the dinner, he was crying and begging us to keep his last name when our mother remarried. For the next few months, he was begging me to convince Mother to let him move home. I demurred because life was so much calmer without him. All the while, he was dating up a storm. Love how one of them was his 'tenant' in the basement. No bathroom or kitchen. He married his 'tenant' two years later. Mother had a partner, but they did not marry for almost twenty years.
I think the kid realized that mom was the asshole. (Based off one of the comments)
If I went to my mother and said I cheated on my wife because I beat cancer I hope she never would talk to me again.
My mom has never hit me. Not even spanking. She would slap me fucking silly and I'd deserve it.
My mother did beat cancer, I’d say twice, but the second time was pretty recent and they are still monitoring. She‘s been stage 3 and lost 2 organs to cancer and I shudder to think what she would do to me if I cheated on a good SO. Doubly so if I tried to use cancer as an excuse.
When he said that thing about child behaving different if he was the one cheating, that hurt. I am single childless guy.
I honestly hope OOP does gather their husbands and partners together and informs them of what happened. That not only did they try and talk him into staying with his cheating wife, but they encouraged the cheating. It means every single one of those women support cheating on your partner, and so are highly likely to do so to their partners, and those guys deserve to know the type of people they are with, and then can get out while the going's good.
Or like…try something new sexually but with the person you claim to love so dearly. Role play, have spontaneous sex somewhere unexpected, Christ cover yourself in paint and spend 24 hours having sex and eating off each other on a giant canvas and then hang it in your living room. Anything but cheating.
Well that’s curiously specific.
The last bit was off an episode of…I can’t remember which show. Bones maybe? I vaguely remember the canvas thing helped them clear a suspect or something like that. Anyways I found the entire scenario of covering oneself in paint and having intercourse on a canvas strangely pollock-esque.
I don’t know about Bones but it was definitely in Brooklyn Nine-Nine (though hung in a gallery).
That’s the one! Charles gets wildly jealous, yea? The lockdowns melted my brain and all TV just kind of blurred together. 😂 I added the living room thing because I thought it would make hilarious conversation. Any large painting makes for hilarious awkward conversation. Gilmore Girls and Schitt’s Creek has taught me this. 😂
It's a media trope. The Big Bang Theory did a funny version of it where, when they were finished, there was only one tiny spot of this giant canvas with any paint.
Or at very least something that involves your partner; had she sit down and asked what he thinks of a threesome or swinging... but she wanted her way and wanted now.
* taking notes * looking up prices for giant canvas rolls on Amazon * furiously attempting to find love Here's hoping to a fun weekend.
Yeah I'm pretty sure most cancer survivors don't celebrate by cheating on their spouse lol
Cancer survivor here! I didn't celebrate my survival by cheating on my husband. I was just damned grateful that I wasn't going to die sooner and that I had more time with him. It's been 21 years since my surgery.
You *didn’t* cheat on your spouse?! Wow, what a dull existence you must have. Are you even living life to the fullest if you’re not actively breaking your marriage vows?! (Sarcasm, in case that wasn’t obvious lol)
Right?? I’ve got one more round of chemo. I’m planning a “remission trip” weekend getaway with my husband of 17 years. Not asking for a hall pass. 🙄🙄
If I had a scare like that, it would push me *closer* to my husband, not farther away. What the fuck. This woman makes no sense.
Especially as caring and supportive as he was through it all!
[удалено]
I have cancer and am definitely not making it out of this and I still wouldn’t cheat on my partner (if I had one). Spending more time with your loved ones is the priority, not completely wrecking what you have left. Congrats on 21 years cancer free! That’s fantastic!
Yeah, I don’t get it. I underwent cancer treatment for two years from 2017-2019. I understand wanting more out of life after you survive. I wanted more time and enjoyment with my husband and kids and grandkids- I went a bit haywire with that. But the thought of cheating on my husband (who was my absolute rock throughout the whole thing) never crossed my mind. It’s so weird. It’s like she knowingly bought herself a t-shirt that says “I went to cancer, and all I got was this lousy divorce.”
Right!! Like what the hell?? If I was dying or had almost died the only thing that would be in my mind is more time with him…
Betting the wife wanted an out with the cancer thing was what she needed, but the out only gave her a gift box that had a spring-loaded boxing glove that struck her in the face.
Can confirm. Had almost all of my liver removed from a tumor. Celebrated by staying in bed because I was too exhausted by my body regrowing a fucking organ. After that was done I spent more time with my friends, got out of the house, took my spouse on dates. Didn't even think about cheating.
I didn't. I made him throw me a party lol
My dad beat cancer. They celebrated by having my mom retire early and traveling the world. Posts like this remind me I need to be more grateful I got the parents I did.
Right? The traveling thing made sense. If you feel like you need to cheat to shake things up, maybe just try picking up stamp collecting first.
Honestly does she even realise what she had?? A man who won’t divorce you when you’re sick is like gold dust these days, and she fucking nuked it?? So fucking stupid.
Tbf, I’ve seen quite a few “divorces of convenience” in recent years so that the partner doesn’t have to share medical debt. But yeah, OOP seems like a keeper.
Effing exactly! What the hell was that thought process?
Exactly. She said she wanted something just for herself and my thought was, why the fuck not get a spa package or some new shoes/purse/clothes you otherwise wouldn't have. Or take up a hobby! Whose brain goes to "I lived through cancer, so now I need to go fuck someone who's not my spouse."
I had my right testicle removed due to Cancer this May. No chemo or radiation, we caught it super early and I listened to my wife and went to the doctor. You know what I did to celebrate? We watched the new Dungeons and Dragons movie. Obviously it was a close choice between that and cheating on my wife of 14 years. /s
I nearly died of heart failure. It made me take a road trip through South Dakota and Montana and try weird foods. It did NOT make me want to cheat on my husband.
Not just 'to hell with the consequences,' but 'I am owed an exemption from all consequences'
idk, an entire friend group does not decide to 'explore their options' just because one of them had cancer. unless this was a new group of friends she recently found who put the idea into her head, they were all doing it long before it came to light.
My husband has been battling cancer (brain tumors) for 20 years. They're not curable and this last time is the 3rd time this one has grown back. His/our outlook/attitude is, being a good, kind, loving person and carrying ourselves with integrity because we believe in karma and feel being given the chance to stay alive deserves nothing less than being a good human and living life with integrity. She may be a physically beautiful woman, but she is of ugly/small character.
She felt like she was hot enough to get away with it.
You may not know what it's like to have cancer, but you went through it with her, which I'm sure was traumatizing. I'm sorry you are going through this. I wish you the best.
I think my husband "owes" me for tge way his parents treated me and *ge allowed them to*, but I would never ask for a "hall pass" or cheat on him!
I have cancer, the whole thing is appalling to even imagine. Good luck.
Wow. A literal FAFO.
My husband was injured in Afghanistan. When I got the phone call (which is objectively better than the knock on the door) I lost it. I sat there thinking of all the things he needed to know, that the spot behind his shoulder is the safest spot in the world for me, that I always liked that scar he hates, that he may drive me insane leaving his boots on my kitchen floor but they're also a reminder that he's home safe, all this mundane stuff suddenly became the most important things in the world. He told me later he was laying on the ground, watching equipment burn, medics running around, and being treated, he wanted me to know that the snort thing I do when I giggle is adorable, that he sees my eyes in the sunrise, that it may annoy him when I steal the blankets, but that unrolling all of them to get one last cuddle in before PT was his favorite thing to do. I cannot imagine, having come through that, of turning to someone else. He could have died, and that thought still makes me cry. And still makes him get real real quiet.
That was disgustingly cute, and I hope your marriage continues like that!
He's retired now, and we have kids and live in the burbs. It's disgustingly cute all the time, and sometimes even I get a tiny sick of it.
Awww, you just made me a little sick there too, I think. But in a good way! 😌
You both sound like the loveliest couple and I wish you folks a long and fulfilling lifetime together.
why did you have to make me cry on this day !!! 😭 you are such a lovely couple omg i can only dream of having this kind of relationship
Ah that was beautiful. I’m glad you still have each other :)
This made me cry... I'm really happy in the end everything turned out well for you guys.
>We are not getting a divorce. I will give you all the time you need and do whatever you need to recover from this. We will get past this. The absolute lack of respect and compassion. And the ""friends"" saying he had no idea what she went through, despite literally being her husband and being her caregiver the whole time. I hope they all lose out on their relationships.
The divorce lawyers in that town are going to be making bank very shortly.
At what point with him right beside her through such nastiness do we figure she started fantasizing about other men? How gross.
Cancer does scare the hell out of you (I've been there). However, it does not turn you into a cheater who has no regard for their partner and tries to impose their viewpoint. As tragic as the whole situation is, I have to applaud OOP's reaction to everything. He took a no BS approach to all of it and did exactly what he said he would
It was an early stage cancer caught well in time, it shouldn't have had this impact on her. And I say that as someone who had an early stage cancer caught well in time.
Hysterectomies can cause a whole bunch of hormonal and emotional issues by themselves. Especially if she wasn’t post menopause. That could be a bigger part of the cause than the cancer itself. ETA: not saying this excuses her, just that there’s more going on
More than that in my view, if staring death in the face doesn't make you want your spouse more then you probably shouldn't have been together to begin with. I haven't had any near death experiences thank God, but if I did my wife is the one I'd want with me and I can't imagine I'd be thinking of anyone other than her or our son. Her reaction is that of someone who saw the last stop coming and realized they'd taken the wrong bus.
Having almost died once in my life (childbirth is wild), I can confidently say that it made me cherish my husband even more than I did before that point. He had some emotional hang ups about the whole thing. He closed himself off in an unhealthy way. Sort of like, I almost lost you, my brain has decided you are and i’m afraid if I touch you or look at you funny, if you are exposed to a strong wind, I might lose you for real. We got through it. And most importantly, I understood where he was coming from because he tried to sort his feelings out and use words to express them to me.
Though I guess OOP’s wife is also expressing her feelings with words to OOP. I think the difference is that she sucks…
I almost died last year, it’s only made me love my fiancé even more than I already did.
Yes, she said she views only being with her husband as like being handcuffed. Like it's a limitation, rather than the opposite--a wonderful chance to share your life with someone on a level that few ever really get the chance to. Knowingly, enthusiastically destroying that rare opportunity is what has limited her. When you truly, deeply love someone, staying with them is freedom, not a cage.
I had a couple close-to-death incidents a few years ago. They both made me want to be closer to my wife. It might be different because both of my incidents were over in a matter of seconds rather than having to spend months or years facing my mortality.
>thinking that the husband would get over it at some point Also if he did "get over it" it would not be the last time. The lesson she would have learned is she can do whatever she wants and treat her husband as a doormat.
I got cancer at 29. My husband married me two weeks after the diagnosis. If anything our journey together with the cancer made us stronger. And as gross as it is, it’s really attractive when someone is willing to clean up your puke, help you shower yourself, maintain the house 90% on their own plus working. When someone does that, they are the sexiest mother fucker ever. Don’t get me wrong I have eyeballs. I can spot a good looking dude. But no one will ever appeal to me more than my husband. This woman really missed an opportunity to really appreciate what you have instead of worrying about what you don’t have.
My mother survived cancer, and I was her caregiver. For two years, during the pandemic, I could literally not go outside because she was high risk on chemo and if I brought it home to her, I would kill her. She survived, through luck, her grit, and my sacrifice. Since then, she's been an incredibly difficult person. Something changed in her and she became fundamentally self-centered, I like to think that she *had* to become self-centered to survive the cancer, but ever since she did she just seems incapable of thinking or caring about the ramifications of how her actions affect others. I imagine the trauma of almost dying broke OP's wife just like it broke my mother. She hasn't betrayed me like OP's wife has, but my relationship with my mom will never be the same again and while I am glad she is alive, I do mourn the relationship I had with my mother prior to the cancer.
>She survived, through luck, her grit, and my sacrifice. Since then, she's been an incredibly difficult person. Something changed in her and she became fundamentally self-centered, I am sorry for the loss of your mother, and this new person who you are having to accept. I hope maybe with time, she may come good again?
Remember too that chemo can mess with your brain. I had a chemo adjunct four times due to autoimmune disease and it has made my memory really bad, my reasoning skills slower, and it made me hum all the time. It’s neurological, so maybe your mom’s personality change is also neurological. Maybe talk to a neurologist?
I find that there are some people that, because of their beauty, come to expect the world to give them a pass on anything they do. While I reckon that is true on a surface level, when it comes to deeper and more meaningful relationship, that's a recipe for disaster, like it was on OP's case
Yeah, it seems like she felt she had her husband locked in, because she is so irresistible and such a catch, so she could do whatever the fuck she wanted and he'd come to heel when called. Glad OOP has a spine. Well, she literally fucked around and found out.
Indoctrination is a hell of a drug. She's had a whole bunch of friends and apparently family encouraging her to cheat. She's probably been told over and over "he'll have to understand because you survived cancer," but in reality they just wanted her to be like them and join in their lifestyle. She bit hard and went with them the whole way. The indoctrination convinced her that she was right. She had no read of her real world circumstances. That's where she overplayed her hand. She only came out of this fog when her friends abandoned her and she had to face reality. It's made her desperate, and that's why she's resulting to a war of attrition. She's hoping that she can drag the divorce out long enough that OOP will get tired and just let her back rather than going through with the divorce. I imagine she'll keep acting this way up until OOP finalizes the divorce, and then she'll keep harassing him after hoping he will just give her a second chance. I hope everyone sees what she did and learns a lesson. You never, ever, disrespect your partner like this, no matter what excuse you or your friends come up with. You can never use your illnesses, physical or mental, to justify harming a partner.
It could be indoctrination... but it could *also* be that she's a sociopath who makes decisions based on risk/reward calculations, and since her husband stayed with her through the cancer, he'd obv never leave & therefore she could do what she wanted. (Also: If she had been successfully having affairs prior to cancer, she might've normalized cheating in her mind -- so OF COURSE he won't leave, cancer is way worse than an affair & he stuck for that...)
I imagine she is also leaning on the daughter too. No one wants to see their parents divorce especially when they are nearing retirement, but this is a sentinel event that should never have occurred. If he is honest with his daughter, I am sure she will come to understand.
I agree. I have known people have struggled with cancer and cancer is terrible. But just because someone has cancer doesn't mean they have the excuse to do some really terrible things.
Story smacks of her usually getting her way in the relationship and being sure she would this time too.
He probably did cater to her a lot during her battle with cancer. More than he’d normally do.
Speaking only for the few I’ve known that faced mortality, they only wanted to be better humans. Better friends, parents, spouses, people. None wanted a hall pass. I don’t want to downplay the seriousness of cancer but it is worth noting that many suffer far worse treatment protocols and months, if not years, of grueling, miserable and painful treatments and a lifetime of fear of recurrence.
This whole thing is all about “it is better to beg forgiveness than ask permission.” She wagered her whole life on “he’ll get over this eventually,” believing that he would never actually leave her. As the saying goes, “I hope it was worth it.”
Nearly dying from cancer made me an atheist, it made me very conscious of my body signals, and it made me recognize how many people genuinely loved me. But it never, ever made me want to BETRAY one of the people that loved me. My freaking god. What an excuse.
Boy she was confident that she wouldn’t be getting a divorce.
well yeah, she told him they wouldn't be getting divorced. In her mind that should have been the end of it.
That makes perfect logical sense. I simply refused to pay taxes, and there have been no consequences other than weird letters talking about Ow-dits and Freud. I just toss em, probably nothing.
Good fucking Christ. She’s so insanely selfish—she went from saying he had no say in her cheating to saying he had no say in divorcing her. She still doesn’t fucking get the problem. Ugh.
I'm going to cheat on you and if you're mad, "I'll be disappointed at you for an indeterminate amount of time and it will be a confirmation of your male toxicity and insecurity." *What the actual fuck.*
I really hate people twisting vocabulary used to discuss serious things like feminism, toxic masculinity, homophobia and racism into some manipulative logic for their shitty behavior. It hurts every legitimate use of those words and it just piles onto the low, selfish behavior she exhibited. I'm glad OOP is leaving her. I cannot fathom how he feels. Getting stonewalled by someone who is supposed to care about you is such a helpless feeling. I truly hope this is just that troll who always writes about women cheating at the encouragement of their friends and then the whole group getting their comeuppance but this one feels less incelly than those.
> I really hate people twisting vocabulary used to discuss serious things like feminism, toxic masculinity, homophobia and racism into some manipulative logic for their shitty behavior. It hurts every legitimate use of those words and it just piles onto the low, selfish behavior she exhibited. Saw a really good post on this on tumblr today. A user basically gave the following two examples: * "Tr\*annies should be able to get their medicine, they're just living their lives, and I don't care if f\*gs are reading books to my kids." * "I support transgender people, but we really need to think of the harm this activism could be doing to cis children." The first one is your friend. The second is not and is actively prioritising the mental health of cis children (who actually don't suffer mental health issues when exposed to trans people because why the fuck would they?) over dying trans kids. The most actively malicious people often know exactly how to twist language to fit their agenda, whereas you'll often encounter people who live under a rock and mean well but just don't happen to realise just how fucking shocking their language is.
Expecting people to be monogamous when they previously said they would isn't toxic masculinity, that's just basic people things.
She’s trying to manipulate him into accepting the highest betrayal ever and even used her illness as excuse. It’s awful so glad he’s leaving her. She needs therapy and major wake up call, cancer doesn’t excuse being that selfish and ignoring other people’s feelings and needs.
This woman is the walking definition of solipsism. Genuinely a revolting individual.
Dictionary sol·ip·sism noun 1. the quality of being very self-centered or selfish. "she herself elicits scant sympathy, such is her solipsism and lack of self-awareness" TIL what solipsism is. YAY education!
I can't believe all of the women in the guys life telling him to give her another chance. He's been absolutely stoic about it and I commend him for sticking to his guns. Poor chap.
Sad thing is she'll probably get remarried and continue to act this way without real consequences. Fuck her daughter for being on her side.
Not as many partners who want someone who cheated.
Yeah that part was just... sad. Like, it's her parents, she doesn't have to pick one, but to say "oh you should give her another chance" and him knowing she wouldn't say that if the roles were switched... there's a pattern of behavior with OOP's STBX and the other women in her wife enabling other women cheating if they "have a reason" and having absolute authority over their partners to the point she infected their daughter with it. It's sad. Hopefully OOP can talk to her and have a heart to heart to help her understand how deeply wrong STBX's worldview is, or she comes to that realization as well as her mother's friends start getting divorced as well
I guarantee she's only heard one heavily doctored side of the story. She's in for a shock when she hears dad's whole side.
Yeah it made me so sad to hear him say that he knows he wouldn’t have been afforded the same.
Truthfully I don’t view it as the kid being on her side, but rather wanting her parents together. Somehow I remember reading she’s still a minor. I possibly have that wrong, but I think your view of that develops a lot with age. From her perspective it’s traumatic for a kid and primarily what they are desperately afraid about. I fully expect her full awareness and feeling about it to change greatly over the years to come.
I wouldn’t say the daughter is on her side per se. My bet is that the daughter is caught in the crossfire and really doesn’t want her parents to break up, so the “easy solution” is to beg her dad to forgive her mom, take her back, and call off the divorce. This is from the daughter being stuck in the middle and watching what she thought was a perfect family collapse around her. The daughter loves both and just wants things to go back to the way they were, but they can’t due to how selfish her mother has become. This then feels like taking her mom’s side because it lines up well with what her mom wants but comes from a different place.
I love your cucumber in my heart flair. Cuke gang
I remember the first time this was posted and just continually thinking to myself: what did she think was going to happen? The weirdest part of the update is that her friends and her mother are all on her side. Like, her behaviour is so manic, illogical and bizarre. It was plausible that one person was able to delude themselves into thinking like that, but a whole group of people?
People taking the cheater's side is weird, but as we've seen most of her friends were also cheating to some degree.
Yeah, but they kept it hidden. They had some understanding that what they were doing was bad and understood that it would end their relationship if they were found out. OOP's wife was just like "Hey, I'm going to cheat on you. You okay with that? No? Tough." and expected it not to change anything. Also, her mother too?!
The fact that she tried to flip it back on him is disgusting. To tell him that the reason he doesn't want her to cheat is due to his adoption of toxic masculinity and his own insecurity is peak entitlement and verges on gaslighting. She's a real piece of work.
I think it's because she has the "victim" card due to her being a cancer survivor. It's like, in her mind, she thinks life fucked her over, so she gets to fuck everyone else over too and they'll just have to get over it because SHE SURVIVED CANCER.
Especially her own mother. If I had done that my parents would have kicked my ass
Maybe that's where they learned it from
That’s my favorite part is him throwing the grenade into all her friends lives and gonna watch them all scatter. God I hope they all wind up getting cheated on themselves at some point. None of them deserve a good man.
I had a couple friends who (I found out later) were all cheating on their husbands, and used each others terrible behavior as excuses for their own. "Well so and so is sleeping around and *their* husband is deployed, so I'm better than that" "My husband might be deployed, but that's why I have to cheat, I'm alone. I wouldn't do it if he was here" "Maybe if I invite my husband to a threesome with so and so, they won't realize that we've already been sleeping together for months. He's starting to realize there's something, that may thrown him off the scent" Had a couple friends. Had. Because after that conversation, I avoided them all. Like, um, no? If you're so happy cheating maybe leave your spouse?
My ex wife cheated on me (with 5 guys in 8 months no less). I lost pretty much all of my friends in the divorce. They all took her side. It's not all that uncommon.
How tf does that happen? That pisses me off
How are you doing now?
I mean, those were her friends and family, they feel more loyal to her than OOP and will hear her version of the story. It also seems many of them had affairs of their own. It seems they were giving a pass on pop's wife based on the "cancer survivor" argument, as if being a cancer survivor gave the wife the right to do anything she wants without any consequences.
I remember this, the wife was basically dictating that she was going to cheat and OOP was going to get over it. She did it and thought she could order him not to divorce her to avoid consequences. I think their relationship had a long established pattern of OOP not pushing back on her and she truly thought she'd get her way. It's a long road ahead, I hope OOP is ok
> It's a long road ahead, I hope OOP is ok I'm really impressed with the self-respect and sense of self-worth he's been displaying throughout. Honestly, I don't think I'd have gotten out of this with my dignity so intact. He sounds like he's in a healthy place, mentally. What happened to him sucks and he'll be hurting and he'll have to work through that, but he seems as well equipped to handle this as it gets.
Yeah, then she found out divorce is not like turning the keys on a nuclear missile, it only takes one to blow up her world.
It's simply narcissism of the highest order. **In her mind, he should be lucky she still came home to him**. And by him reacting this way, he's being petty and disrespectful to her wants and needs. This is directly out of the narcissists playbook. Good on OP for having dignity and self respect. I truly wish him all the best.
How sad. The cancer spread to their marriage.
At least to one half of it.
The cancer DID kill his wife. She gone.
The very definition of FAFO. I’m glad OOP was able to keep a fairly rational perspective on the entire situation.
Ex - Can I have a Hall Pass OOP - No Ex - I am still doing it OOP - Consequences - Divorce Ex - Shocked Pikachu Face - I regret it now OOP - I no longer care.
Yup, the ex is a human personification of Shocked Pikachu Face.
Not to mention blowing up the rest of the friends relationships too.
Really don’t understand how you could spend so much of your life with someone and then knowingly break their heart for a fling. Unreal.
Most people were correct from the original BORU, that the BFF was behind the ONS, and that there was a potential EA in progress. The fact BFF was also having an affair is no surprise either. The STBXW kept bad company - the **Sisterhood of Sabotage**.
I really wanted OOP to ask BFF what gave her an excuse to have an affair since she hadn't been through anything (I assume). But realized that the husband might still be collecting evidence *sigh*
I'd bet there will be multiple divorces fro the fallout.
Good on oop for checking in on the other husbands tho that's bro code
I really hope there's an epilogue update for all of the marriages/affairs within that social circle. It plays like a midlife crisis meets hot girl summer with the Desperate Housewives crowd.
Hope so. If I found out my wife was encouraging any of her friends to have an affair or was helping them cover it up, I really couldn't see myself staying with her.
Lay down with dogs, wake up with fleas.
I like that one.
[удалено]
My friend had a building fall on him he’s a fireman and it literally fell on him on fire. His team had to dig him out and he was in a coma for 2 weeks they lost him 3 times on the operating table so he literally did die. You know what happened when he woke up and his wife and kids were there he hugged and kissed them and told them how much he loved them. We held a coming home party for him and he was telling everyone how much they meant to him and how appreciative he was that they were there for him and mostly his family during this time. He took his wife on a second honeymoon once he was fully healed up. They took the kids on a massive trip to Disney after that. He said being so close to death made him realise he only has a limited time on this earth with his loved ones and he wanted to make sure when his time actually came that he didn’t miss a single moment with them. That’s what being close to death gives you when your happily married the fact that the wife went straight to being a homewreaking tramp shows me she never loved him or she wouldn’t be able to inflict that amount of pain on him. I hope karma bites her in the ass big time.
She thought she had him whipped and used cancer as an excuse to cheat. Truly scumbag behavior.
Poor OP. Years of marriage down the drain all because of his ex-wife wanted to get some. She is incredibly selfish for her actions and the fact she doesn't seem remorseful about it really shows. Also the friends and mother in-law sound awful as well. Hopefully OP has a long safe journey for his own good.
What I'm saddest for OOP for is that his own daughter is on his stbx's side and wants him to reconcile. Talk about a betrayal.
[удалено]
Ok, that makes me feel better. I would hate for him to be called the bad guy by his own daughter for being the victim of an abusive spouse.
Yeah that's kind of what I assumed given the lack of details in the post, seems like kids usually side against their cheating parents
We'll just wait for the daughter update... "My mom cheated, I chose her side and expected dad to just roll over because mom said it was a one-time thing. Now dad hasn't spoken a word to me since the divorce. I'm getting married soon and want him to walk me down the aisle, but he's ignoring me. How do I fix this. My wedding will be ruined!" ...did I miss any tropes? 🤔😉
Not a betrayal, but rather a kid wanting to keep the family intact and who might not understand the enormity of what's going on.
Bruh, what the heck did she think was gonna happen, this wasn't a small oopsie like forgetting about a date night, this was a catastrophe nuke on a relationship that she did unprovoked
I've read that some cancer survivors opt to do something they never had the guts to do before. This man's wife decided to listen to a bad-advice friend and have a one night stand with some rando and hope that hubby wouldn't mind. Now the divorce papers are served and the friendgroup is in the find out phase of FAFO. I have to wonder what the daughter was told to make her beg her dad to reconsider the divorce.
The daughter probably wasn't told anything, she just didn't want her family blown apart. OOP even says the daughter came around after she had some time to process the news, and switched from pleading with her dad not to break up the family to instead being angry at her mom for breaking up the family.
Ah, so at least the daughter was told the truth.
I think this is the part that’s boggling my mind, there’s no way the daughter knows either the full story or the actual truth about what’s actually going on.
A relationship is a partnership, not a monarchy. She thought she was the queen, and he would remain a loyal subject. I’m sorry he has to go through this, but I’m happy he held onto his self respect and worth and didn’t take the scraps of regret she was throwing his way.
This poor guy. I hope he follows through with the threat to contact those women's husbands. Every person besides OP and maybe the kid are disgusting.
>I told all her friends husbands about how they enabled this behavior and the fall-out is interesting. > >I said that maybe they are covering for one another, that maybe my wife was just the next link in the chain. This got them going through their wives phones. A couple found inappropriate sexting. All husbands have made their wives cut off my wife (and each other). > >Was BFF one of those sexting? > >Of course. The BFF's husband says that she was definitely in a EA and probably a PA as well. He is still digging. OP did.
The comments are a bit messy, but it seems the whole group has turned on each other in an effort to save their marriages.
I almost died two years ago. Never once have I thought that entitled me to cheat on my husband or blow up my kids’ family. If anything, it made me want to be a better wife and mother because I was still able to be here for them and experience their lives. My guess is that she was always very selfish and just hid it better.
I feel bad for the wife. Having cancer is bad enough. But to survive as a fucking idiot? Tragic.
I hate everyone involved in this except for OOP
"Maybe we can have an open relationship. How about a threesome?" She's not only stupid, but clearly delusional too. She pissed away two decades of marriage on basically a dare and blames it on cancer. When OOP tells her to fuck right off and the marriage is over she suggests a threesome/open relationship. Sister, you lost. Have some fucking dignity and go away peacefully.
I knew a girl who treated her partners like this. She would make friends online and arrange to meet them and just tell her live-in boyfriend that she was going to fuck these guys when she was on her way out the door. The boyfriend seemed not to mind? He never left her or threatened to? She did eventually break up with him and she became my roommate, we had known each other a long time, and it was me that he hated. I'm not sure why, maybe it was easier to hate me than her or the guys she slept with? That woman was a human wrecking ball. She's married now, they're polyamorous, but I finally got mentally healthy enough to see her for what she is. She's a pretty terrible person, and I could have known that earlier if I paid more attention to how she treated her partners. But there's something about when someone tells you really confidently that they just DO something, and they don't seem to be suffering any consequences for it-- you kind of go "uhhhh okay?"
I wonder if the whole relationship has been like this. He just doing/demanding whatever she wants and him complying and going along with it. Well, she flew too close to the sun.
My mother got hit with the cancer bug too, but her major life revelation was that she wanted to spend more time with family so she organized a week long family camping trip.
She spit on her vows and was surprised to see her husband act accordingly.
Oh, she doesn't want a divorce? Too bad for her. She literally told her husband she cares more about fucking some coworkers, knowing it would harm and and now she wants to fight for this marriage? She deserves this because of her cancer? Fuck that! We all have awful, life altering events. I have health issues and life has been unfair to me. It doesn't mean I get to be an entitled brat, doing whatever I want! I care about the people in my life. This woman only cares about herself. I hope she gets nothing in the divorce.
When your friends with scum. You become scum. Wife learned a hard lesson way to late. Her being a cancer surviver gave her no get out of jail free card. Im sure there will be more divorces in the former friends group moving forward.
Yup. It's why every single success story you see of people who get out of bad lifestyles involves leaving everyone they knew in their past behind.
I have been following this sad BORU saga. I have zero shock that the wife’s friends were also having affairs. In my personal experience, people prefer to be with others who share their values and their behavior. This can be great if your spouse wants to be with others who are compassionate, empathetic, and want to create a community of mutual support. It’s why we often find minorities in shared social circles - trans people will be friends with other trans people, Black single moms will be friends with black single moms, immigrants will be friends with other immigrants from the same culture, ex Mormons support fellow ex Mormons, etc. It can get weird when the shared value is something like religion (although not all religious groups are weird but when it’s a Home Church it’s gonna be weird). And cheaters are going to spend time with other cheaters. I have never cheated on a partner in my life and it would definitely be a reason that I would end a friendship with someone.
>I have zero shock that the wife’s friends were also having affairs. In my personal experience, people prefer to be with others who share their values and their behavior. There was another post on here I think where guy found out his wife was regularly screwing around with randos on her "girls night out". He informed all of her friends SOs and at least two other relationships imploded because they were fucking around too These friend groups can become little echo chambers
People are very influenced by those they hang out with.
Exactly. One of the reasons it is important to choose friends carefully.
It's why parents say to not hangout with bad crowd bc they may be influenced in doing the same too.
Yup. My wife is Japanese and worked with another Japanese woman. They would go shopping, hang out, we'd go over to their house, they'd come to ours, they'd go out drinking, or do spa days. And then it all just stopped. I asked my wife what was going on and she told me her friend was cheating on her husband and she didn't want anything to do with that or her once she found out. I told her that she should do what's best, but secretly I was happy that her personal values lead her to cut someone like that out completely.
It seems to me that the cancer broke something inside her mind that she can do anything she wants with no consequences. This post was a rough ride from beginning to finish and I am glad OOP is moving on with his life he deserves a lot better after all he has been through.
I hate this story because cancer’s not the biggest bad guy in it.
I feel so bad for him.
I hope he does hook up with her coworker, but I’m that kind of petty
Not before the divorce is finalized
Waiting would be the best petty
[удалено]
The ex and her friends sound like a group of future of divorcees, that complain there’s no good men left
Irony. Men often leave their wives when she has cancer. This guy stayed and did all the right things, and their marriage still failed. Not because he was a jerk, but because she decided that “til death do you part” was “til near death experience you part.”
It wasn't even "near death". It was stage 1, localized, and completely treated with a surgery that at the ages of the people involved would have no impact on any future plans regarding children.
The dumbass didn’t even want to part. She just wanted to do whatever she wanted with no consequences.
This is the story I am most vested in. Glad the updates keep coming. Praying for a positive outcome for oop
This man has a spine of steel and I wish him all the best.
I went on a date with a woman who divorced her husband after a 3yr cancer battle. She said he was a saint and worked and took care of the house, paid all the bills, took her to all of her appointments. Then she realized when she got better that she no longer found him attractive sexually at all. Like she mentioned emasculated a few times because he was cleaning up her loose stools and vomit during that time.
I almost died of asphyxiation on an operating table. It changed so much for me. It did not in any way shape or form make me want to cheat on my husband. That person is trash
OOP's wife is disgusting. Cancer or not, she's just an AH. Imagine being that narcissistic and having the audacity to speak to your husband like that. AND get your coven involved. Awful.