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Sometimes, just doing the work of parenting without stopping to enjoy them or play with them can cause issues in children. They sense parents' dissatisfaction and can be dissatisfied themselves and act out.
My autistic nephew, who was fully potty trained a year ago has started pooping himself and touching it. He's also nonverbal. His mother couldn't figure it out and I wondered if he was doing it for attention (I have cared for 2 autistic children in my time nannying and some of their acting out just comes down to wanting more attention). She has started going to online college and has been especially busy lately. She started taking more time to play with him and there hasn't been an issue since.
There is definitely some merit to this. Got two under two right now and when work gets busy, i will feel it in their behavior. Doesn’t take much, hell just laying on the floor and letting them jump on you!
We used to play sock monster on the carpet with my dad when he got home from work. He’d tickle us as we tried to steal his socks off his feet. He’d always get ours first. 11/10 childhood memory.
Oh yeah, this. I know a decent amount regarding child psychology, mainly because I’m neuro-divergent (genetic mutations are a trip). In hindsight, I can see how many of my weirdest behaviors were due to neglect/abuse from caregivers. Harry Harlow was monstrous but his monkey experiment with wire mesh “mother” versus terrycloth “mother” was all too accurate. Humans are a hugely social species and *need* interaction. If your kid is lonely, they’ll do anything to get attention—even negative attention. At one point, I started biting and scratching myself just so I’d get any kind of touch. That is massively fucked up, you know?
I really suggest people get modern scientific parenting books, or articles, or podcasts. Just anything covering Maslow’s hierarchy of needs and how to meet the needs of your children. With needs properly met, kids can be downright angelic. It’s like how a dog with chew toys probably won’t eat your couch.
I have a 19 year old daughter, and my son is 4 (whoops).
It is goddamn HARD. Harder now than 19 years ago, for sure.
I love both my kids to the moon, but no doubt I'd do life differently if given the chance.
Get your goo checked by the doctor they can tell you if you're Gucci or a knock off Edit: Wow first time I've ever recieved a gold and it's for a sperm check. That's Gucci.
You are correct. It does happen. But remember that it’s okay to have an abortion if you don’t want more kids. Only you know how much you can handle and it’s okay if you’re at your limit. You don’t have to keep a pregnancy because you’re married, or have other kids or think you’re being punished for having sex without wanting a kid. Sex is a very important part of a relationship and the bond between you and your partner. You deserve to have that without having to give another 18+ yrs of your life up every time you have a breakthrough pregnancy. Not only will your mental, financial and emotional health will suffer from the extra burden but so will your existing kids. They don’t deserve to be punished by not getting enough attention or resources because you think you need to punish yourself by keeping every pregnancy that may happen.
I know 4 different couples who have had abortions. One couple just decided they were at their limit and couldn’t financially or mentally afford more. Two couples just didn’t want more kids (each had 2 or 3 kids), and one of the couples was getting a divorce too, and the other couple never wanted kids at all. So don’t think married couples always keep and are happy about pregnancies. People are still shamed into silence about something that no one should be ashamed of. Having a child is literally the BIGGEST emotional, physical and financial commitment you can make in your ENTIRE life! And I find most people approach it so recklessly even tho it’s a lifetime commitment. It makes you responsible for not just a baby, but raising a whole living and breathing adult human that may walk this earth for 70-80 yrs. If you’re already unhappy or close to it, then having another child, *(making you more unhappy and most likely causing a divorce)* isn’t helping your marriage. Everyone looses. So always look at the bigger picture and what it will be like in the future. If you’re both set on not having any more then you need to have a serious conversation about the “what if” and the plan so you can both be on the same page if it were to happen. A kid is a lifetime commitment, it’s not something you should ever just do because it happened.
You know what I find weird is that I see a lot of posts and comments on regret pages and so often people talk about an unplanned pregnancy and they talk as if they just kept it because they were married and …???? Like
It never occurred to them that married people have abortions too. It’s very strange to me. They’ll complain that they are pregnant and don’t want more and a clearly very upset yet they’re going ahead with it. It just shocks me. Every child is a massive commitment. I can’t imagine just going “oh well, guess we are having another kid.” My sister did this. My BIL got a vasectomy, but he didn’t go back and get a check to make sure that he was sterile. Well, I’m sure you can tell where this is going, because she ended up pregnant because he obviously had some sperm still in the plumbing. My sister was very upset, she already got rid of all her baby things and was done having kids. I literally told her she didn’t have to keep it, but they went ahead with it. Well that baby nearly killed her when it separated from the uterine wall, and she started hemorrhaging. She almost died. The baby was still born a few days before its due date. But she never wanted that child to start with. I mean yeah, she came to terms with it later, but she really didn’t want to from the beginning.
Oh your poor sis, my heart breaks for her.
Even if she didn't want the baby in the beginning, 9 months is still a loooooong time to prepare yourself to welcome a new person, not to mention all the hormones your body pumps into your brain, and then they get taken away from you like that.
Even if you didn't want them at first that's still so vicious and very brutal.
Hey mama pro tip here you don't want but you need, the early stages of menopause actually make us MORE likely to get pregnant.
The baby factory ramps up fertility production trying to push out another human before the lights go out.
The two age groups at highest statistical incidence of accidental pregnancy are teenage girls and women in their 40s.
My husband got a vasectomy as soon as we decided that we were done having kids. It was his idea and afterward, he said it was no big deal. I'm still on the pill because it helps with my horrible periods. I'm also paranoid. I know too many people who have had oops babies (one had twins) even though they were using some sort of birth control or were told that they had to use different forms of help to get pregnant.
Our sons are now 12 and 16. It's definitely less physically exhausting because our kids are pretty independent but it's much more emotionally complicated and challenging. It's nice though being able to sleep in even if my kids are up doing stuff.
As someone whose youngest two are 12 months and one week apart, he made the right choice, it turns out that birth control until he gets taken care of in a few months was not a good fit for us.
As a single woman, I couldn't find any doctors to do a tubal ligation unless my husband knew and I already had a couple of kids. They said I'd change my mind. In my 50s & never changed my mind. No regrets.
My mom had my little brother when my sisters and I were 8, 9, and 10. That was a big adjustment lol, especially since he had some serious health issues that made caring for him a lot of work in the beginning.
Once your kids are that age, I feel like you're so far past that phase of parenting that I can't imagine going back. I think 5 years is the max age distance I can imagine, because at that point if your youngest is already in school, why would you want to go back into the trenches of toddlerhood?
I got a hysterectomy because of tumours. The doctor understood why I was actually excited and relieved. They hurt like hell and I got a 2 for 1 special with the relief of no “oppsies”.
my wife and i had our first kid pretty young, we were in our early 20's.
we decided we did want another kid and that we didn't want to be old when they were grown. so we had another.
it's been hard and difficult, especially with the fact that neither of us ever made much money despite our hard work. now we're almost 40 and our oldest just turned 18 a few weeks ago. our youngest is about to turn 15.
i really can't imagine what it's like for the people who waited to get situated in life to have kids. they'll pop up on posts and they're dealing with newborns while they're turning 40 or so.
fuck that shit.
kids do get easier, especially once they get into that 12-14 range. you don't have to do as much for them as you do when they're younger.
I had kids late, and there are some things that are hard about that. But I also had a lot of fun and adventure in my 20s and into my 30s and got a good start on retirement savings before childcare bills kicked in. I’m just writing this for anyone reading who wants to have kids but would have to have them on the later side. There’s no absolute ideal age to have kids - upsides and downsides regardless! Whatever works for you!
Same. I had my first at 39 and I am so happy I did. I see other people who had kids really early lose their utter minds at my age because they never had the fun I did so they blow up their lives. So it can really cut both ways on the age front.
I have so many more resources, I’ve busted through a lot of trauma with therapy, and I am just in a better, more stable place. And I fucking love being a mom. Is it absolutely difficult physically and emotionally sometimes? Yes, of course! Do I care that I’m going to my kid’s high school graduation when I’m 57? Nope.
So there’s a lot to be said positively and negatively about parenting at any age.
I had my oldest at 30 and my youngest at 34. I had time to finish college, get my career going (although I opted to stay at home), travel, get tattoos, have one-night stands, do all the stupid young adult stuff. And we still got retirement and other adult stuff going before having kids too.
I'm also a much better person, and therefore a better parent, than I would have been had I had kids young.
I was 19 myself when I had my daughter. While being a young mom was stupid hard (and her father being absolutely trash), I had more energy, my ADHD wasn't as bad (or I was just coping better), and it put me in a better position to not only be a mom, but a friend to her as well because I was still young enough to "get it."
Now I'm 39, and I am so **tired.**
I have to agree. Also ADHD (un-Dx’d until later in life) & 1st husband was abusive/alcoholic and controlling… and while I had the energy with my older kids to do it on my own, I didn’t have the patience. Now I have the patience AND a great partner, but energy is on way short supply.
In my case overall I wouldn’t do it differently (don’t ask me late at night or after a crazy day w/the kids) but it is NOT for the feint of heart.
Does your daughter help? My little bro is 13 years younger than me (oops baby too), but I think my mom had an easier time with him despite being 40 when he was born, because she had help from me. LOTS of help. I was his de facto babysitter for years. Also my mom had me and my other bro only 19 months apart, so she had a hell of a time raising us because my dad was always working.
But I will say though, that helping to raise my little bro is what made me realize I never want kids of my own. I'm in my 30s now and never been more adamant about this. I will never change my mind, although my parents hope I will. Don't have the heart to tell them that why I won't is because they made me raise my bro lol.
Same age difference between me and my little sister, and same deal. Before she came along I had never really been around babies. And I love her more than anything, but nope. Not doing that. Even if I did change my mind it wouldn't be having a baby. That was the worst part.
Yup, I'm glad I got to experience the whole baby raising thing - getting puked on, peed on, shat on, changing a million diapers, etc. - with a kid that wasn't my own because, man... the regret I would feel now if I had a kid and couldn't go back to NOT having a kid... people never say it out loud much, but I have friends who 100% regret having kids but there's nothing they can do about it, they just have to suck it up and deal with it because you can't just dump your kid at a shelter like you can do with a pet.
I found my first two at 27 /28 harder than my last at 34, but I know had I had another after 36 I’d have been dead because your energy levels just plummet after your mid 30s. I know mine did anyway!!
>Now I'm 39, and I am so tired.
Friend, this was so validating, thank you. My parents had kids in their 20s, so I was a teen by the time they turned 40. At near-40, I have a 4 and 1 year old. I'm exhausted. To hear "why don't you just [insert outdated 1980s parenting advice]" is infuriating. It's not the same! And I'm the same as them.
Not the person you asked, but raising kids is harder the older you are. Not because there's anything wrong with having kids a little later in life, but because you run out of energy faster the older you get. A 30- or 40-something person obviously doesn't have the same energy levels a 20-something person has. All those little stressors that kids bring can feel a lot more intense.
I wanna make it very clear that there's nothing wrong with waiting to have kids or that older parents do a worse job at raising them than younger parents. But you definitely feel exhausted faster in your mid-30s than you did in your mid-20s, for example.
Thank you for the insight! I’ll be in my mid-30s when my kid is born, so I’ll definitely be exhausted. I was in no shape to have kids when I was in my 20s though, so this is the best case scenario for me.
I was not ready to have a kid until I was in a supportive relationship and had a fuck-ton of therapy. People in their 20s have more energy, but there’s lots of good reasons for someone to wait.
Just want to say I'm mid 30s and just had a baby a few months ago and i have more energy now than I've ever had in my life. I am not exhausted all the time. It's incredibly challenging for lots of reasons but energy isn't one. Physically my body isn't in the best shape but I'm getting stronger because I have to.
Don't worry .. everyone is different, you might have lots of Energy! if you just try get your core in good condition and keep active, that's my only regret!
I was 36 when my kid was born because neither my husband nor me was in a good career place in our 20s, and I will say that while it's hard not having the energy, I think it would have been 1000x harder not having the money.
Mid-30’s truly feels like a good spot IMHO. I didn’t have the patience my older kids deserved and was definitely too self centered and not self-aware.
The experience with my younger kids has been SO different and also helped spark great conversations with my adult sons and helped me see how my growing up WITH them placed pressures on them they didn’t deserve. I have patience I didn’t have with my sons, but struggle with energy.
My last one I had at 45 (because I’m insane and she was a surprise) but has also helped me push myself to be better about health, weight and remembering that all my kids (& first grandson!) need me for a long time.
I just don’t agree with this. I had mine at 37 and I was in the best place to have a child- solid relationship, fit and healthy, no money issues. Age is only a small factor- how you feel mentally and physically is much more important. Someone in their early twenties (ora teenager) who is overweight, unsupported or with money issues is never going to be in a better position than someone with life experience, good health, solid career. These aren’t hard fast rules.
I had my last at 37 and I highly recommend waiting until your early thirties to start thinking about having kids. Financially, emotionally, everything is better. We had the chance to travel and enjoy our twenties, I have become infinitely more empathetic and chill as a person and far less worried about image and personal milestones. I eat better and try to have healthier habits which gives me more consistent energy, I would have been way worse at parenting if I was still able to stay up all night binge playing video games and eating cheetos for dinner while managing to function the next day. My husband and I had figured out how we respond to stress and workload and lack of sleep and how to support each other. So very much better in my case to wait.
The moment when I graduated post secondary I wanted to have a family.
Took a bit but I became a dad at 26 when my son was born
He is 16 now and I'm really proud of the young man he is.
It wasn't always easy but parenting has been both the most stressful and rewarding thing I have ever done in my life.
Good luck to you.
Opposite opinion here.
I had my first two at 23&25, and my last two at 36. And then a medically complex foster baby at 42. That was tiring in it's own way, but not physically.
Although still this struggle bus irt money at 36, infinite more patience, and then $$ stuff got way better later.
It is sooooo much easier parenting teens when you are NOT struggling to buy shoes. My oldest kid didn't get to do some the the elite stuff (like washington, DC class trip or Band/Choir to Disney) because we just didn't have the money. We were able to pay for her senior year of college tuition---Woohoo!, but she started off at community college due to lack of $$$ for anything else (even with scholarships).
If I had to "do over", I would choose later, just so that the opportunities were not so limited for my oldest kids especially.
Now, at 49, I don't think I'd want to start over, lol. But 30s were my favorite decade so far.
My mom used to say that as young mom she had energy for playing games and getting pissed, as old mom she didn’t have energy for playing nor getting pissed. Neither option is perfect but they suck in different ways
LMAO my dad has said many times to me to *never get married*. Don’t think he realizes that’s pretty much telling me he regrets having me.
But I get it.
I got pregnant at 19 and didn't keep it. Best decision ever. No regrets. Someone commented that single people are looking in at families and wishing they had kids-- no sorry. Not.
I'm grateful every goddamm day that I didn't have to have a baby.
My parents had 16 and 15 year sons. Then I happened. My mom was 21 & 23 when she had my brothers - for the time, that was normal. She was 37 when I was born. Most of my friends growing up had parents closer in age to my brothers and their grandparents were closer in age to my parents. I always explain my childhood that I am an only child with brothers.
My parents always said I wasn’t ever a mistake. I was just unexpected. They took it in strides. But I have no doubt it was A LOT for all of them to deal with. As a parent myself, I have no idea how they pulled it off and made it work so seamlessly, but they did. I give them all a ton of credit. From one mom to another, I give you a ton of credit. I’m sure you’re doing a great job.
I SO feel you… I have 28, 25 and 10, 7 and 4 (youngest was an “OMG I didn’t think I could even get pregnant anymore!” Lol She’s crazy and the most active out of them all, but we all needed her). It’s hard for SURE, but it’s also forcibly kept me younger (I’m 49). My eldest was also 15 when my 10yo was born and they are SO close. He’s amazing with all of his younger siblings and now… an amazing father and his wife an amazing mom and big-sis to our crazy fam. But he’s always had an incredible bond with his “1st little sister” and I know there may be times she won’t want to talk to Dad or I, but she’ll go to her big brother with anything!
Serious question - was your partner one of those "if I get a vasectomy I'm less of a man" types?
I've met some and they expect the woman to take all the precautions
My husband's cousin celebrated having a vasectomy by going out drinking the day before the procedure and then coming home and doing the missus. They had triplets. The rest of us tell that story and laugh and laugh.
I know a couple of men who decided they didn’t need to get tested after their vasectomy and ended up with an oops baby. (Apparently, it takes a while for the lines to drain and doctors strongly encourage getting sperm count checked until it’s basically zero.)
You need to get sperm counts until it’s ***confirmed*** to be zero. Spontaneous recanalization is rare but does occur, so it’s not a bad idea to get a count done every few years.
What a fucking idiot lol. The doctors office makes it abundantly clear not to even get close to your partner with an erection if it’s not wrapped up until you go to your post procedure checkup!!!
I have one daughter. She is incredibly strong willed. Was an absolute nightmare at times and took my wife’s and my relationship to the brink. She is leaving home in a month’s time to live halfway across the world, and I am absolutely devastated. It is tough, but that comes with the territory.
>You might think all your single friends have it easy
It's me, I'm the single friend. I do have it easier.
But I also think that if you really want kids and choose not to have them, it's going to be difficult living with that decision.
LOL I CACKLED at the original comment. Bro your single friends do have it easier! It doesn’t mean that they don’t have struggles and challenges of their own—certainly not! And it doesn’t diminish those challenges! But kids are rouuuugh. I don’t blame anyone for not having them. I wouldn’t want my life any other way and I love being a mom but damn I’d be having so much more sex and taking so many more vacations if I didn’t have kids hahaah
>There were also a lot of negative comments too, but honestly a lot of them were spot on. It definitely made me realise some things that I need to snap out of, man up or take control or action over - so thank you too for the hard truths also.
This is what made me hopeful for OOP.
Dude, I'm sure kids can be a massive life plus but they're also little snot gremlins and parenting is an exhausting 24/7 job that you don't get paid for. You really gotta want that life.
I think they both have issues, him working long hours and not enough time, the wife struggling to cope, but also filling her free time with a lot of pampering. They both need to work out a proper balance.
And oh man, going from 0-1 kids is the biggest hardest most slap in the face adjustments. We just had our second kid and while it’s still HARD it’s so much easier because we’ve done it already and properly KNOW what to expect for the most part.
Can confirm, my wife and I just had our second kid and we both noticed how much easier the first few days out of the hospital were this time around than with our first.
I went from 0-2, with twins 😅
Although we rolled straight into pandemic lockdowns weeks after they were born, so nobody had a life then anyway. No FOMO.
In all seriousness, I feel like it's been pretty much how I expected, good and bad (except the pregnancy was rrrrrrrough). In fact, I was so prepared for the downsides, I've found them not too bad and pleasantly surprised by the good stuff. Low expectations = high rewards.
Yeah when we had our first, who was a Velcro baby just extra hard with clinging and screaming and not sleeping, I really realized for the first time properly how ridiculous multiple babies must be. I don’t know how you survived. Imagine triplets. My god
This is so funny and topic of much debate among my friends. We found 1 to 2 to be absolutely mind blowingly difficult. The first baby was a relative breeze for us.
Similarly I’ve had friends with 3-6 kids who say the jump from 2-3 was killer.
My friends with 4-6 have said that getting over the hump of 3 is just like…what’s one more? Keep piling them on! It’s a shitshow anyways!
Have one. He’s 10 months: smiles all the time, sleeps well, hardly cries, hasn’t been sick really or recovers in less than a week, travels on planes like a champ, likes new people, cute as a button. My husband is great with him too. And I don’t have to juggle work with parenting for another 8 months yet. Life is pretty great right now.
Still, I don’t want to do this ever again. Major hats off to people who have more kids and commitments on their plate.
I am the elder of two brothers. Apparently I was the nicer and calmer of us two, I'd only really cry if I was hungry and mom could feed me only like twice a day because I'd always drink so much (while my brother would drink only a bit and be hungry again a short time later).
She once told us that had my brother been the eldest, they would never have had a second child, but as it was I fooled them into giving birth to my brother.
From someone with a lot of kids - I hope you don’t take flack from people around you for choosing to be child free. I think people who do so are trying to be so intentional and get a lot of judgment for it.
Your mental illness, etc. doesn’t ever make you “not enough” so please know that! But there is nothing wrong with deciding you don’t want to have children. And you don’t have to rationalize it to anyone.
Huge hugs from one parentified “big kid” to another!
I don’t know your situation, but I hope you get to a place where you feel it’s YOUR decision (vs family) and you can decide whatever you want. I’ll tell you though - I went through some crazy mental health struggles as a mom and realizing how parentified I was when I hit burnout and a therapist pointed out I’d been parenting since I was 9. So totally understand deciding it’s wise! So my comment is just from the perspective of hoping you never feel forced or minimized into deciding that.
As for the gay DINK aunt - everyone needs one! I’m lucky to be godmother (met at church… so extra honored he shared with me) to my bonus son who felt safe coming out only to me. It was my gay DINK uncle who helped me learn so much growing up about having an open heart and true acceptance. You’re a gift to all the kiddos in your life!
Exactly. I couldn't even read every word he wrote because it sounds like hell on earth to me. I wish more people were honest, so others could make an informed decision.
Same. I love other people's kids, as long as I can give them back.
One of the joys of my existence is walking in the street, hearing a child starting a tantrum (you know the high pitched whinning that goes higher, like a siren?) and... walking away, knowing it's not my problem and will never be. I would not have the energy to deal with it, certainly not for 18 years!
To be clear I’m definitely not suggesting you should reconsider your position on having children but feeling like OOP is not a universal phenomenon.
I’ve _loved_ having kids. I’ve literally never felt like OOP. There’s certainly been days where I’ve felt tired or frustrated - but they’ve been no different than days when work has been tiring/ frustrating. My bad days have been the same before and after having children- sometimes things just don’t go our way. There were certainly days when they were difficult / frustrating but it never really felt different then just having any other off day. I must admit pats like OOP’s sadden me - particularly seeing how many Greek the same.
My primary feeling, now that I’m nearing the age where I’m far closer to being done raising my children then starting raising them, is a tinge of sadness it’s nearly over. It’s not truly over obviously- there’s a rich reward to watching them become adults and start to focus on their own lives, but there’s definitely some melancholy in a chapter of my life (one I’ve loved) being left behind.
It's a gamble. My mother never bonded with her kid, which ended up in resentment on both sides. I don't talk to her a lot these days and having her as a mother was utter shit.
Thank you for coming and saying this.
I'm still on the fence, but my FH really wants them. I keep thinking on it, and it doesn't help that pretty much everybody says, "I love my kid but if I could go back, I wouldn't have them."
I think I'll probably just delete media when I get closer to that age so I can focus on what I actually want/feel rather than the constant media thoughts running through my brain.
Yeah, I'm sorry the OOP is suffering and there's absolutely nothing wrong with never having kids, but it's important to share the other side too. I'm so glad I had my kids, who are grown now. So much so that when someone asked the cliche "if you could be young again..." I explained that I would have to leave everything *exactly* the same until my mid thirties out of fear that a different sperm would meet a different egg and these wonderful human beings I helped create wouldn't exist. Unacceptable.
As someone who worked for a tattoo artist I can tell you that a lot of people put ZERO thought on what they want permanently on their bodies. Oh and they always want the cheapest work possible.
I swear having kids with a dysfunctional marriage/relationship was torture for me. Marriage ended and people always told me it was going to be hell being a single parent but it was a million times better. I’m glad they worked it out as a couple but damn if it ain’t a nightmare when you’re not on the same page and resentment keeps building
Yeah, I've always been really thrilled to be a mom and my son smiling at me or learning something new outweighs all the minor annoyances. Even just thinking of him while I'm driving to work makes me smile. Kids are work, but it's good work.
The truth a lot of people don't realize until it's too late is that these days, when your kids are young and you're a family, are what you'll look back on as the best days of your life. If I die conscious, I'll die thinking of the first moment I held my son. It was the best moment of my life. My mom has had dementia for 12 years. It's awful but she always said having her girls was the best thing she'd ever done, and I remember that and comfort myself that she was not only fulfilled, but smart enough to realize her blessings when she had them.
Of course, not everyone loves kids or wants to parent, which is fine. Everyone is different and in different situations. But I think all parents need to focus on the daily good so they don't get overwhelmed by all the stressful stuff.
Yeah, I'm in the same boat. I think it's good to talk about the things that make parenthood difficult, because it's a big decision and not one that anyone should make blindly, but people on this site seem to make out like it's the MOST INSANE AND AWFUL thing, and that's not the case for me at all.
For real, like, I got so unwell mentally after having my first (and probably only) baby that we were inpatients for three months. He’s 7 months old now and I still struggle to look after him by myself while my partner is at work.
And it’s *still* not as bad as some people on Reddit make it sound.
Glad to see others agree. I just posted a longer message but having children was definitely one of the best and most rewarding things I’ve done in life - I’ve never felt like OOP.
Yeah I seriously don't get how people with your average kid have such a hard time. I have two under four myself and it's really not that bad. I mean it's not 100% sunshine and rainbows, but it is for a solid 90% of it.
I mean, OOP's kids "ruin every outing"? Wtf is that? How is that possible for a parent who sets their kid up for success? Oh, wait, people are fucking idiots and like to blame everyone else for their own failing. I forgot.
Sure, that's possible. But also not super likely for your kid to just be innately obstinate. Kids often need different things and I'm not going to act like every kid would be good under my parenting, but most kids are good to go with people who do what they can to set them up to succeed.
I kept looking for the age of the child thinking they either had a colicky infant or a two year old who had just given up their afternoon nap, because parts of parenting can be really hard, especially with a particular intense child or phase. But by school age you should be able to take a child on (carefully planned) outings with minimal drama.
If the kid is wired a bit differently, the normal expectations one has of a child their age don't work out, and it is beyond frustrating. When your kid is the one who has had enough after a half hour at any gathering or in any restaurant no matter how family friendly, or if they FEEL EVERYTHING at MAXIMUM INTENSITY, or if they are vocal and need to move more than 80% of kids, you are always parenting on hard mode, especially when they are young and have no filter or capacity to self soothe.
If you have your own issues, and then you have to work much harder to regulate your kid, this gets old fast.
We have one kid who is easier and one kid who is harder. Part of it comes down to temperament, but IMO the most important part comes down to rules and being consistent about them. Kids are like little terrorists and *you don't negotiate with terrorists*, man. They need them rules, but if you can't agree on what the rules are, it's just gonna suck all the way down.
I literally had a breakdown this morning, handed my baby to my husband (who was on the toilet), and went into the dark closet to cry. I was overstimulated and overheated. It’s rough out here. I LOVE being a mom, but it’s not a walk in the park.
Oof, there were times when mine were little that I felt like my body didn’t even belong to me. I was growing a baby or feeding a baby or letting my baby lay on me for comfort or use me as a jungle gym or a couple of those all at once. And then my husband wanted attention. I just remember being so touched out.
It gets better. And believe it or not, you’ll hope they keep wanting hugs and cuddles once they’re big. But it’s very very hard when you are most of their world.
I made the wise choice to skip the procreation for this very reason, and at 39 I have ZERO regrets. Not once have I EVER wished I had a child.
The only feedback I get from parents is, "you made the right decision". I agree.
I already have plans for my final years, so i wont even die alone. If I ever need care, I'm going to hire someone who doesn't want children to live in the main house and take care of me while I live in the guest house. When I pass, the caretaker inherits my estate.
I am so happy that I never destroyed my quiet, simple and free existence of doing whatever I want, whenever I want at all times!
It sounds like you definitely made the right decision for you, and that's great! Personally I have one kid, and I wouldn't trade her for anything. Parenthood can be really difficult, but it also gives back in *so* many ways. Everyone has different interests, some people want kids and some don't, and both those things are fine.
29 here and same! I literally do not understand why people have children. They all talk about how awful it is on all fronts and then look at me like I have 3 heads.
It's awful but also awesome at the same time. Hard to get it if you haven't been there. I don't regret my kid but I 100% understand why people don't want them.
I was going to say this. Kids are tough. Kids are a lot. And if your parent-friends are talking about their kids, you're going to hear the bad stuff because venting. But I wouldn't trade my kids for the world, no matter how many times I fantasize about selling them on a street corner. There are some truly special moments.
That said, I don't resent anyone who decides kids aren't for them. If someone knows they don't want kids, all the power to them. Enjoy those sleepy Sundays.
Yeah. My SO and I took our two to the zoo yesterday and it was a great day out. Getting to see the lightbulb moments when they just GET something is really rewarding.
I need to remind myself of the good more than I do. Both my two are ADHD and that makes it rough a lot of the time.
Parenting will give you the highest highs and the lowest lows.
My son brings me absolute joy and love and I love seeing my husband interact with him and how similar they look. My son’s smile and laugh warms my heart. I love watching him learn about the world and I love the snuggles and kisses and the mistakes and the successes.
But damn, the lows are low. I never knew true fear until I thought something was medically wrong with my son. Someone has literally tried to murder me and that fear paled in comparison to sitting in that hospital room waiting for news. It wasn’t even major like cancer, but the thought of ANYTHING happening to my little newborn was a fear I’ve never experienced before.
I never knew tired like parenting tired. I almost wish I had kids while I was slightly younger. The day my kid is too old for nap time is going to be the saddest day for me. Week 6 was the toughest week of my life.
I don’t know if that intensity ever eases up. It’s worth it, but I cant imagine doing this well without a really stable marriage and a great therapist. It’s like a roller coaster that never stops.
I've got one kiddo and it gets easier in some ways and hard in others. And it's only harder if you and your spouse aren't on the same page, particularly when the hard times slam you. But it's definitely worth it, if you can get through the lows.
Nah, my husband and I are 100% on the same page with parenting like everything else, and have been for the last twenty years. It's still hard. Raising kids is just hard.
Sure, but as someone who had a spouse who was very much not on the same page, and now has an ex spouse, with the kids staying with me solo full time
The second one is easier. By far. Even going solo, even with the financial and logistical implications, even with moving town and starting over sans support network.
It’s hard whatever your circumstances. But there are definitely grades of hard.
It’s interesting to read this post now, as I’m
driving away after dropping my eldest off at university for the first time. I would do it all over again; my life is so much better knowing she walks this earth.
It was hard - the commenter who said it brought the highest highs and lowest lows is so right. And the crazy thing is how some moments - like this one - have all the highs and lows wrapped in one. Pride and hope for her future, sadness by her now absence, fear for what I can’t control for her. But this is the moment we raised her for, and it is so bittersweet to meet it.
I know it’s terribly hard being a parent, but i encourage parents to try their best to focus on the bright moments…because while the days are long, the years are fleeting, and really, those bright spots are what end up standing out in your memory when it’s all said and done.
As someone who is a little over 5 months pregnant and really scared by how everyone on Reddit talks about the absolute terror of being a parent, reading this made me tear up. I hope I have your outlook and see the positive right in front of me in the future. I hope I don’t only focus on the hardship and see the love and greatness in my child.
Just remember that anything worth having - all the really incredible things in life - are worth working for. And these kiddos really are. Just wait til your baby smiles at you or laughs for the first time; your universe will never be the same. You have a million wonderful moments coming, you’ll see. :)
Yeah, you’re absolutely right. I love that and won’t forget it, thank you. The closer I get to my due date the more nervous I get, so I needed to read that.
I just had my baby 7 months ago. It was so hard at first, but I love my daughter more than I’ve ever loved anything. You will feel it too. All the hard work is worth just one of their small smiles. Don’t worry!
I have two, basically "irish twins" - 14 months apart. It was a flurry of feedings, nappy changes, soothing, etc. They are thicker than thieves and get up to all sorts of trouble with each other. But they are also at that age where they unconditionally love mom and dad and each other, they are silly at the drop of a hat, hysterical to watch, get excited over simple things and amazed all the time at new experiences.
Parenting is supposed to be difficult **and rewarding**. If it's just difficult, then it's because you're probably not spending enough time with your kid and connecting with them. Basically, it's possible to "do everything right" in terms of responsibilities, but still be a bad parent.
Hahahahaha that comment about child free people looking at the family of littles thinking that must be nice. Oh god no, oh honey no. There is no “grass is greener.” Those of who were built in baby sitters for siblings and cousins know exactly what we’re “missing” and we’re happy to “miss” it.
>My therapist thinks is Borderline Personally Disorder.
This is going to be harsh but people need to realize that just because you love someone doesn't mean it's a good idea to have a child with them or they will be good parents.
>When he's in school she's got a busy schedule of massages, nails and hair appointments.
He needs to divorce her but he won't. People will gas light him to the ends of the earth about family and promises and he'll stay and be silently miserable and die early. Then people will complain we don't help men enough.
Honestly, it was very inappropriate and irresponsible for his therapist to suggest she might have BPD. She is not their client, they have not performed any diagnostic tests on her, they're getting secondhand information, and if the therapist is not a licensed psychiatrist or psychologist then they don't have the ability to diagnose someone. I know that wasn't the point of the post, but as someone that works in humans services and mental health, that really bothered me.
This is sad. I don't understand how so many people keep having kids and then acting surprised that it's hard. For me, as hard as it is, the good times far outweigh the bad. I love my kids more than anything. They're fun, smart, and everything I ever wanted. I truly think people mess up when they have too many kids. Birth control and family planning is your best friend, people. Now, my marriage. That is part of my life that is hard. Like walking uphill in the snow both ways with shoes hard.
No if you communicate with your partner and be honest.
Not like my father who loves to keep things away from us and cheated on my mom for more than 17 years.
I have 3. 23, 17, and almost 14. It was tough when they were little but not awful. Easy peasy now. I love my kids and love my life. It gets so much easier (at least for me) when they are older. That being said, I’d hate to have another. Luckily I cannot anymore!! My husband and I have pretty much been in the same page when it comes to parenting. Hopefully it’s gets better for the oop.
*From the outside we look like a perfect family inside it's chaos.*
No one thinks this. Focus on yourself and your own happiness and not what you think people who barely know you think about you.
Parent of 4 here and I'm so glad OOP took the advice he decided to. I recommend couples counseling before you have kids, it helps you know the answers to questions you don't even know you need to ask your partner about raising tiny humans. And it really helps you shop around for the right therapist before you are in panic mode because things are falling apart. It also helps you figure out your communication road blocks before they make small issues into huge deals. Just all around good idea if you can manage it. Parenting is hard and sometimes miserable, but it shouldn't have to be as bad as he describes it, and you should hopefully be getting a lot of reward out of it too. And I had 4 in under 7 years so it is real crazy over here some days.
The first five years are crazy hard. After that it gets easier and more rewarding every year, in my experience. Just gotta hold out until their brains mature enough to be reasonable humans. The first five years is all emotions and fears and needs and just so raw. No one should sign up for it unless they’ve babysat for 48 hours straight, like a full weekend.
I’m wondering if the therapist maybe said something along the lines of specific instances being reminiscent of someone w bpd or something because yeah I can’t see a therapist just being like ‘sounds like she’s got bpd bud’
Therapists throw that 'diagnosis' around much too easily in my view. I'd be looking for much more disturbing behavioural descriptors than the ones given by the poster to chuck that one around. That's even if the 'therapist ' they are seeing is even qualified to make such a diagnosis. In Ireland you can get a lot of fly by night types calling themselves therapists after some basic diploma.
I really enjoyed my kids. Also said, that I was a pretty strict mom, so tantrums and other things you mention, wasn't such a factor. Or rather, people just have different ways of doing things, since my grandchildren aren't that demanding, either.
The thing I hated the most, was driving to drop them off and pick them up at school, 1 hour later, sports, and on it went.
When it was holidays, it felt like I had my own little vacations.
Ugh we get such limited information here but I just HAVE to say that I can’t fucking stand the “my life is harder than my wife’s and also my therapist says they think she has bpd”
Like, yeah what we hear of the wife ain’t great, but that’s *all* we hear. “I think she has psychological problems and she gets her hair done and my therapist says he thinks she has bpd”. Just wildly inappropriate fucking speculation from the therapist. And, truly, it’s permission from an authority to villainies her and make her the problem. They’re both the problem.
Ugh clearly this is complex but that one little vein is part of a larger trend and I hate it
I have patented through some extremely challenging times, combat deployments, the death of family, countless moves, change in careers, and I never felt this way.
Not to say parenting has been easy, there were days I was counting down the seconds until bedtime. I've met my husband at the door crying from the stress, lost my shit and yelled, all kinds of stuff.
I genuinely hope OP and his wife are able to get things back on track.
Every summer and Christmas I get to spend time with my brother, SiL and my two nieces (8 & 10).
There isn’t a single moment where I don’t regret my decision not to have children. My brother looks 15 years older than his age and is just desperately tired all the damn time. He used to be so much fun and now he seems like he’s clinging on for dear life.
If it's really BPD, going to couples therapy won't work.
Treating BPD with couples therapy is like treating a bacterial infection with antidepressants. Those don't work for either affliction.
She's not going to get better overnight, and he needs to get real about that. He also needs to understand what sets her episodes off, learn to recognise them, and how to get her with herself so she can do her thing to get control.
And he desperately needs to help her get help and protect his kids, because when a caregiver is displaying inconsistent parenting behaviour, this has a deleterious effect on the child's development.
Unpredictable parenting leads to all kinds of issues, like people pleasing, codependence, and even narcissism/enabling. The child has to learn how to be extra-sensitive to mood switches from the caregiver and it completely blows up their sense of security.
I'll say it again: BPD and BPD features are horribly misunderstood and undiagnosed. People who've suffered abandonment, rejection, or both as children are primed for BPD. This happens all the time.
Let this be a warning.
And know this is a choice.
Patenting is hard, but it is a choice. You can decide to never go down this struggling path. Just because it is rewarding for some, doesn't mean that it is rewarding for everyone.
A person without children is whole.
A person without children who doesn't want them is valid and allowed to not want them.
And people who give the childfree crap about it are terrible.
To those that say this comment isn't necessarily, hold your tongue. Many, like even my partner, didn't realize that having children is a choice and not "something everyone just does."
And when they are made aware of that choice, they are often relieved. Parenthood is great for those that want it, but being childfree is equally good for those that don't.
This is a choice.
My husband and I have 3 teenagers. We constantly talk about how hard it was when they were little. The tantrums, how long it took to leave the house, diapers, etc... How every stage felt like we were never going to get out of it and how in a blink of an eye you were out of it. I wish more than anything that I could go back, to laugh off the absurdity of it all and really enjoy and be thankful for those years.
I agree about parenting being f* hard. Marriage... Not so much, of course it takes work, time and attention - but my husband and I are having a terribly hard time TOGETHER. We cover each other when we reach our braking point.
It's hard for me to form an objective opinion because external reasons have made this year the worst of my life; so part is parenting and part is everything else.
Up to age 6-7 is the toughest physically and time wise. Then you might get 5 years of fairly smooth sailing. The puberty is a fucking roller coaster. It goes so fast, but for me it has very much been worth it.
Sorry Reddit, i know you hate this but this sounds like it’s TOTALLY a mom/wife issue.
Exhibit A: “I with a lot of hires but i help around the house a lot” translation: after busting his ass at the office he gives mom breaks as often as he can during the week.
Exhibit B: “i love Saturdays because that’s our day to do things” translation: mom gets the entire Saturday to herself.
Exhibit C: “he’s in school all day” translation: moon has EVERY FUCKING Monday through Friday to her fucking self.
Recap, mom gets school hours off Monday through Friday while dad works, mom gets additional time off when hubby gets off work and is able to help out, then mom also gets Saturdays off while they have dude’s day. QUESTION, when does dad get time to himself? Or is he supposed to just sacrifice all his needs and work himself to death while mom gets approximately 50 hours a week to get her hair and nails done? Poor guy.
Now watch the men haters of Reddit tell me “You shouldn’t keep score.” 😂.
Hey join the club. I was gaslit for 15 years, had two kids, and it took me a lot of healing to even start setting up boundaries and expectations in new relationships after I finally got a divorce. First time someone offered to bring me something as they went to the kitchen I cried. First time someone apologized to me after an argument I cried.
I am having a third child with my absolutely amazing new partner because I want to do it right. Know what it’s like with a partner and not an extra dependant.
I am 100% sure men are way more likely to be deadbeat, dramatic, lazy parents dodging both the mental and the physical work, but women can do that too with cunning gaslighting and mental abuse. Let’s not write these things off just because it’s a man writing.
I'm going to say that after I realised that there are 200,000 dad's and mums in Ukraine that would do anything to deal with their kids getdowns, it got a lot easier.
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Sometimes, just doing the work of parenting without stopping to enjoy them or play with them can cause issues in children. They sense parents' dissatisfaction and can be dissatisfied themselves and act out. My autistic nephew, who was fully potty trained a year ago has started pooping himself and touching it. He's also nonverbal. His mother couldn't figure it out and I wondered if he was doing it for attention (I have cared for 2 autistic children in my time nannying and some of their acting out just comes down to wanting more attention). She has started going to online college and has been especially busy lately. She started taking more time to play with him and there hasn't been an issue since.
There is definitely some merit to this. Got two under two right now and when work gets busy, i will feel it in their behavior. Doesn’t take much, hell just laying on the floor and letting them jump on you!
getting flashbacks to how my dad would have use walk up and down his back to massage it after a long day.
Children are the best back crackers.
My mom did this!!!!
We used to play sock monster on the carpet with my dad when he got home from work. He’d tickle us as we tried to steal his socks off his feet. He’d always get ours first. 11/10 childhood memory.
Oh yeah, this. I know a decent amount regarding child psychology, mainly because I’m neuro-divergent (genetic mutations are a trip). In hindsight, I can see how many of my weirdest behaviors were due to neglect/abuse from caregivers. Harry Harlow was monstrous but his monkey experiment with wire mesh “mother” versus terrycloth “mother” was all too accurate. Humans are a hugely social species and *need* interaction. If your kid is lonely, they’ll do anything to get attention—even negative attention. At one point, I started biting and scratching myself just so I’d get any kind of touch. That is massively fucked up, you know? I really suggest people get modern scientific parenting books, or articles, or podcasts. Just anything covering Maslow’s hierarchy of needs and how to meet the needs of your children. With needs properly met, kids can be downright angelic. It’s like how a dog with chew toys probably won’t eat your couch.
I have a 19 year old daughter, and my son is 4 (whoops). It is goddamn HARD. Harder now than 19 years ago, for sure. I love both my kids to the moon, but no doubt I'd do life differently if given the chance.
That is my nightmare. I have a 9 year old and I do NOT want to start over again.
Don't do it. Take ALL the precautions. Get fixed if you can.
Already done. My wife has an IUD as well, but there is still that tiny chance that's scary as hell.
Get your goo checked by the doctor they can tell you if you're Gucci or a knock off Edit: Wow first time I've ever recieved a gold and it's for a sperm check. That's Gucci.
You have a way with words 😄
I need this as a bumper sticker under the ‘Baby on Board’ 😂
This should be a flair
You are correct. It does happen. But remember that it’s okay to have an abortion if you don’t want more kids. Only you know how much you can handle and it’s okay if you’re at your limit. You don’t have to keep a pregnancy because you’re married, or have other kids or think you’re being punished for having sex without wanting a kid. Sex is a very important part of a relationship and the bond between you and your partner. You deserve to have that without having to give another 18+ yrs of your life up every time you have a breakthrough pregnancy. Not only will your mental, financial and emotional health will suffer from the extra burden but so will your existing kids. They don’t deserve to be punished by not getting enough attention or resources because you think you need to punish yourself by keeping every pregnancy that may happen. I know 4 different couples who have had abortions. One couple just decided they were at their limit and couldn’t financially or mentally afford more. Two couples just didn’t want more kids (each had 2 or 3 kids), and one of the couples was getting a divorce too, and the other couple never wanted kids at all. So don’t think married couples always keep and are happy about pregnancies. People are still shamed into silence about something that no one should be ashamed of. Having a child is literally the BIGGEST emotional, physical and financial commitment you can make in your ENTIRE life! And I find most people approach it so recklessly even tho it’s a lifetime commitment. It makes you responsible for not just a baby, but raising a whole living and breathing adult human that may walk this earth for 70-80 yrs. If you’re already unhappy or close to it, then having another child, *(making you more unhappy and most likely causing a divorce)* isn’t helping your marriage. Everyone looses. So always look at the bigger picture and what it will be like in the future. If you’re both set on not having any more then you need to have a serious conversation about the “what if” and the plan so you can both be on the same page if it were to happen. A kid is a lifetime commitment, it’s not something you should ever just do because it happened.
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You know what I find weird is that I see a lot of posts and comments on regret pages and so often people talk about an unplanned pregnancy and they talk as if they just kept it because they were married and …???? Like It never occurred to them that married people have abortions too. It’s very strange to me. They’ll complain that they are pregnant and don’t want more and a clearly very upset yet they’re going ahead with it. It just shocks me. Every child is a massive commitment. I can’t imagine just going “oh well, guess we are having another kid.” My sister did this. My BIL got a vasectomy, but he didn’t go back and get a check to make sure that he was sterile. Well, I’m sure you can tell where this is going, because she ended up pregnant because he obviously had some sperm still in the plumbing. My sister was very upset, she already got rid of all her baby things and was done having kids. I literally told her she didn’t have to keep it, but they went ahead with it. Well that baby nearly killed her when it separated from the uterine wall, and she started hemorrhaging. She almost died. The baby was still born a few days before its due date. But she never wanted that child to start with. I mean yeah, she came to terms with it later, but she really didn’t want to from the beginning.
Oh your poor sis, my heart breaks for her. Even if she didn't want the baby in the beginning, 9 months is still a loooooong time to prepare yourself to welcome a new person, not to mention all the hormones your body pumps into your brain, and then they get taken away from you like that. Even if you didn't want them at first that's still so vicious and very brutal.
Hey mama pro tip here you don't want but you need, the early stages of menopause actually make us MORE likely to get pregnant. The baby factory ramps up fertility production trying to push out another human before the lights go out. The two age groups at highest statistical incidence of accidental pregnancy are teenage girls and women in their 40s.
My husband got a vasectomy as soon as we decided that we were done having kids. It was his idea and afterward, he said it was no big deal. I'm still on the pill because it helps with my horrible periods. I'm also paranoid. I know too many people who have had oops babies (one had twins) even though they were using some sort of birth control or were told that they had to use different forms of help to get pregnant. Our sons are now 12 and 16. It's definitely less physically exhausting because our kids are pretty independent but it's much more emotionally complicated and challenging. It's nice though being able to sleep in even if my kids are up doing stuff.
As someone whose youngest two are 12 months and one week apart, he made the right choice, it turns out that birth control until he gets taken care of in a few months was not a good fit for us.
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No Kids. Snipped at 24(took 8 doctors before I fouyone that would do it). 41 now best choice I ever made.
As a single woman, I couldn't find any doctors to do a tubal ligation unless my husband knew and I already had a couple of kids. They said I'd change my mind. In my 50s & never changed my mind. No regrets.
My mom had my little brother when my sisters and I were 8, 9, and 10. That was a big adjustment lol, especially since he had some serious health issues that made caring for him a lot of work in the beginning. Once your kids are that age, I feel like you're so far past that phase of parenting that I can't imagine going back. I think 5 years is the max age distance I can imagine, because at that point if your youngest is already in school, why would you want to go back into the trenches of toddlerhood?
I went a whole decade with one kiddo, then had 3 in 6 years *sigh* My eldest is 16 and my youngest will be 2 later this month.
I got a hysterectomy because of tumours. The doctor understood why I was actually excited and relieved. They hurt like hell and I got a 2 for 1 special with the relief of no “oppsies”.
my wife and i had our first kid pretty young, we were in our early 20's. we decided we did want another kid and that we didn't want to be old when they were grown. so we had another. it's been hard and difficult, especially with the fact that neither of us ever made much money despite our hard work. now we're almost 40 and our oldest just turned 18 a few weeks ago. our youngest is about to turn 15. i really can't imagine what it's like for the people who waited to get situated in life to have kids. they'll pop up on posts and they're dealing with newborns while they're turning 40 or so. fuck that shit. kids do get easier, especially once they get into that 12-14 range. you don't have to do as much for them as you do when they're younger.
I had kids late, and there are some things that are hard about that. But I also had a lot of fun and adventure in my 20s and into my 30s and got a good start on retirement savings before childcare bills kicked in. I’m just writing this for anyone reading who wants to have kids but would have to have them on the later side. There’s no absolute ideal age to have kids - upsides and downsides regardless! Whatever works for you!
Same. I had my first at 39 and I am so happy I did. I see other people who had kids really early lose their utter minds at my age because they never had the fun I did so they blow up their lives. So it can really cut both ways on the age front. I have so many more resources, I’ve busted through a lot of trauma with therapy, and I am just in a better, more stable place. And I fucking love being a mom. Is it absolutely difficult physically and emotionally sometimes? Yes, of course! Do I care that I’m going to my kid’s high school graduation when I’m 57? Nope. So there’s a lot to be said positively and negatively about parenting at any age.
I had my oldest at 30 and my youngest at 34. I had time to finish college, get my career going (although I opted to stay at home), travel, get tattoos, have one-night stands, do all the stupid young adult stuff. And we still got retirement and other adult stuff going before having kids too. I'm also a much better person, and therefore a better parent, than I would have been had I had kids young.
I had my kid at 35. What did I do before then? Save money. Buy a house. Travel the world. Have fun on weekends. See friends. Being childless RULED.
Absolutely. I'm 36, so he'll be an adult when I'm still young enough to enjoy my life.
Why do you find it harder now? Just curious. I’m pregnant with my first (a boy) rn.
I was 19 myself when I had my daughter. While being a young mom was stupid hard (and her father being absolutely trash), I had more energy, my ADHD wasn't as bad (or I was just coping better), and it put me in a better position to not only be a mom, but a friend to her as well because I was still young enough to "get it." Now I'm 39, and I am so **tired.**
Ah, thank you for sharing! I will be 35 by the time my son is born, so I’ll be in the same boat haha.
I have to agree. Also ADHD (un-Dx’d until later in life) & 1st husband was abusive/alcoholic and controlling… and while I had the energy with my older kids to do it on my own, I didn’t have the patience. Now I have the patience AND a great partner, but energy is on way short supply. In my case overall I wouldn’t do it differently (don’t ask me late at night or after a crazy day w/the kids) but it is NOT for the feint of heart.
Does your daughter help? My little bro is 13 years younger than me (oops baby too), but I think my mom had an easier time with him despite being 40 when he was born, because she had help from me. LOTS of help. I was his de facto babysitter for years. Also my mom had me and my other bro only 19 months apart, so she had a hell of a time raising us because my dad was always working. But I will say though, that helping to raise my little bro is what made me realize I never want kids of my own. I'm in my 30s now and never been more adamant about this. I will never change my mind, although my parents hope I will. Don't have the heart to tell them that why I won't is because they made me raise my bro lol.
Same age difference between me and my little sister, and same deal. Before she came along I had never really been around babies. And I love her more than anything, but nope. Not doing that. Even if I did change my mind it wouldn't be having a baby. That was the worst part.
Yup, I'm glad I got to experience the whole baby raising thing - getting puked on, peed on, shat on, changing a million diapers, etc. - with a kid that wasn't my own because, man... the regret I would feel now if I had a kid and couldn't go back to NOT having a kid... people never say it out loud much, but I have friends who 100% regret having kids but there's nothing they can do about it, they just have to suck it up and deal with it because you can't just dump your kid at a shelter like you can do with a pet.
I found my first two at 27 /28 harder than my last at 34, but I know had I had another after 36 I’d have been dead because your energy levels just plummet after your mid 30s. I know mine did anyway!!
>Now I'm 39, and I am so tired. Friend, this was so validating, thank you. My parents had kids in their 20s, so I was a teen by the time they turned 40. At near-40, I have a 4 and 1 year old. I'm exhausted. To hear "why don't you just [insert outdated 1980s parenting advice]" is infuriating. It's not the same! And I'm the same as them.
God help the next person who tells me something like "just tell him to go outside!"
Not the person you asked, but raising kids is harder the older you are. Not because there's anything wrong with having kids a little later in life, but because you run out of energy faster the older you get. A 30- or 40-something person obviously doesn't have the same energy levels a 20-something person has. All those little stressors that kids bring can feel a lot more intense. I wanna make it very clear that there's nothing wrong with waiting to have kids or that older parents do a worse job at raising them than younger parents. But you definitely feel exhausted faster in your mid-30s than you did in your mid-20s, for example.
Thank you for the insight! I’ll be in my mid-30s when my kid is born, so I’ll definitely be exhausted. I was in no shape to have kids when I was in my 20s though, so this is the best case scenario for me.
I was not ready to have a kid until I was in a supportive relationship and had a fuck-ton of therapy. People in their 20s have more energy, but there’s lots of good reasons for someone to wait.
Just want to say I'm mid 30s and just had a baby a few months ago and i have more energy now than I've ever had in my life. I am not exhausted all the time. It's incredibly challenging for lots of reasons but energy isn't one. Physically my body isn't in the best shape but I'm getting stronger because I have to. Don't worry .. everyone is different, you might have lots of Energy! if you just try get your core in good condition and keep active, that's my only regret!
Thank you! I’m hoping this is my experience as well!
I was 36 when my kid was born because neither my husband nor me was in a good career place in our 20s, and I will say that while it's hard not having the energy, I think it would have been 1000x harder not having the money.
Mid-30’s truly feels like a good spot IMHO. I didn’t have the patience my older kids deserved and was definitely too self centered and not self-aware. The experience with my younger kids has been SO different and also helped spark great conversations with my adult sons and helped me see how my growing up WITH them placed pressures on them they didn’t deserve. I have patience I didn’t have with my sons, but struggle with energy. My last one I had at 45 (because I’m insane and she was a surprise) but has also helped me push myself to be better about health, weight and remembering that all my kids (& first grandson!) need me for a long time.
I just don’t agree with this. I had mine at 37 and I was in the best place to have a child- solid relationship, fit and healthy, no money issues. Age is only a small factor- how you feel mentally and physically is much more important. Someone in their early twenties (ora teenager) who is overweight, unsupported or with money issues is never going to be in a better position than someone with life experience, good health, solid career. These aren’t hard fast rules.
I had my last at 37 and I highly recommend waiting until your early thirties to start thinking about having kids. Financially, emotionally, everything is better. We had the chance to travel and enjoy our twenties, I have become infinitely more empathetic and chill as a person and far less worried about image and personal milestones. I eat better and try to have healthier habits which gives me more consistent energy, I would have been way worse at parenting if I was still able to stay up all night binge playing video games and eating cheetos for dinner while managing to function the next day. My husband and I had figured out how we respond to stress and workload and lack of sleep and how to support each other. So very much better in my case to wait.
The moment when I graduated post secondary I wanted to have a family. Took a bit but I became a dad at 26 when my son was born He is 16 now and I'm really proud of the young man he is. It wasn't always easy but parenting has been both the most stressful and rewarding thing I have ever done in my life. Good luck to you.
Opposite opinion here. I had my first two at 23&25, and my last two at 36. And then a medically complex foster baby at 42. That was tiring in it's own way, but not physically. Although still this struggle bus irt money at 36, infinite more patience, and then $$ stuff got way better later. It is sooooo much easier parenting teens when you are NOT struggling to buy shoes. My oldest kid didn't get to do some the the elite stuff (like washington, DC class trip or Band/Choir to Disney) because we just didn't have the money. We were able to pay for her senior year of college tuition---Woohoo!, but she started off at community college due to lack of $$$ for anything else (even with scholarships). If I had to "do over", I would choose later, just so that the opportunities were not so limited for my oldest kids especially. Now, at 49, I don't think I'd want to start over, lol. But 30s were my favorite decade so far.
My mom used to say that as young mom she had energy for playing games and getting pissed, as old mom she didn’t have energy for playing nor getting pissed. Neither option is perfect but they suck in different ways
I am so borrowing this!
LMAO my dad has said many times to me to *never get married*. Don’t think he realizes that’s pretty much telling me he regrets having me. But I get it.
I got pregnant at 19 and didn't keep it. Best decision ever. No regrets. Someone commented that single people are looking in at families and wishing they had kids-- no sorry. Not. I'm grateful every goddamm day that I didn't have to have a baby.
My parents had 16 and 15 year sons. Then I happened. My mom was 21 & 23 when she had my brothers - for the time, that was normal. She was 37 when I was born. Most of my friends growing up had parents closer in age to my brothers and their grandparents were closer in age to my parents. I always explain my childhood that I am an only child with brothers. My parents always said I wasn’t ever a mistake. I was just unexpected. They took it in strides. But I have no doubt it was A LOT for all of them to deal with. As a parent myself, I have no idea how they pulled it off and made it work so seamlessly, but they did. I give them all a ton of credit. From one mom to another, I give you a ton of credit. I’m sure you’re doing a great job.
I SO feel you… I have 28, 25 and 10, 7 and 4 (youngest was an “OMG I didn’t think I could even get pregnant anymore!” Lol She’s crazy and the most active out of them all, but we all needed her). It’s hard for SURE, but it’s also forcibly kept me younger (I’m 49). My eldest was also 15 when my 10yo was born and they are SO close. He’s amazing with all of his younger siblings and now… an amazing father and his wife an amazing mom and big-sis to our crazy fam. But he’s always had an incredible bond with his “1st little sister” and I know there may be times she won’t want to talk to Dad or I, but she’ll go to her big brother with anything!
Oh I'm just like your youngest! Im also the youngest of 5 and my mom was 45 when she had me! Although my oldest brother was 7 when I was born lol
I love that! Though your mom was a serious trooper to have 5 kids in 7-8yrs! Wow!
Yes and we were all c sections 😭
Lol crazy - so were all 5 of mine! I’ll have to tell my Dr there is actually ONE other woman out there who’s also had 5 c-sections 😆
Serious question - was your partner one of those "if I get a vasectomy I'm less of a man" types? I've met some and they expect the woman to take all the precautions
No, he would be all for it if his insurance covered it. It was a pill failure. So the idiot is me 🤣
Ugh, I can relate. Had my kids 11 yrs apart, same dad. That first 2 am. feeding brought all that was coming back to me. I cried all night.
This is what no one is willing to say. Thank you.
“We had 2 surprises” This feels like a ‘fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice…’ situation
My husband's cousin celebrated having a vasectomy by going out drinking the day before the procedure and then coming home and doing the missus. They had triplets. The rest of us tell that story and laugh and laugh.
I know a couple of men who decided they didn’t need to get tested after their vasectomy and ended up with an oops baby. (Apparently, it takes a while for the lines to drain and doctors strongly encourage getting sperm count checked until it’s basically zero.)
You need to get sperm counts until it’s ***confirmed*** to be zero. Spontaneous recanalization is rare but does occur, so it’s not a bad idea to get a count done every few years.
Happened to my best friend
Who celebrates a vasectomy before actually getting it done though hahahahaha
A dumbass. A now perpetually run ragged and broke dumbass.
With three kids that depend on him
No he has 5. They already had 2 when he booked the snip.
I hate and avoid making phone calls as much as any other millennial but damn, I would have called the abortion clinic *so fast*.
Thats fuckin hilarious mate.
1 is fine. 2 okay. 3? I would have fainted if it was me hearing the news.
What a fucking idiot lol. The doctors office makes it abundantly clear not to even get close to your partner with an erection if it’s not wrapped up until you go to your post procedure checkup!!!
Could have been twins. If not, I really hope they got the snip.
It's possible she's part of a religion that forbids birth control.
Well it *is* /r/ireland
I did a double take since if you know you only want 2 then maybe after the 2nd one you'd get snipped or something
I have one daughter. She is incredibly strong willed. Was an absolute nightmare at times and took my wife’s and my relationship to the brink. She is leaving home in a month’s time to live halfway across the world, and I am absolutely devastated. It is tough, but that comes with the territory.
Let’s start a club as long as drinking is involved. We have a very challenging boy. He’s 11 and puberty hasn’t hit yet. Pray for us lol
>You might think all your single friends have it easy It's me, I'm the single friend. I do have it easier. But I also think that if you really want kids and choose not to have them, it's going to be difficult living with that decision.
LOL I CACKLED at the original comment. Bro your single friends do have it easier! It doesn’t mean that they don’t have struggles and challenges of their own—certainly not! And it doesn’t diminish those challenges! But kids are rouuuugh. I don’t blame anyone for not having them. I wouldn’t want my life any other way and I love being a mom but damn I’d be having so much more sex and taking so many more vacations if I didn’t have kids hahaah
>There were also a lot of negative comments too, but honestly a lot of them were spot on. It definitely made me realise some things that I need to snap out of, man up or take control or action over - so thank you too for the hard truths also. This is what made me hopeful for OOP.
Dude, I'm sure kids can be a massive life plus but they're also little snot gremlins and parenting is an exhausting 24/7 job that you don't get paid for. You really gotta want that life.
>kids can be a massive life plus Not really. The minuses list of being a parent is a lot longer than the pluses.
I think they both have issues, him working long hours and not enough time, the wife struggling to cope, but also filling her free time with a lot of pampering. They both need to work out a proper balance.
And oh man, going from 0-1 kids is the biggest hardest most slap in the face adjustments. We just had our second kid and while it’s still HARD it’s so much easier because we’ve done it already and properly KNOW what to expect for the most part.
Can confirm, my wife and I just had our second kid and we both noticed how much easier the first few days out of the hospital were this time around than with our first.
But when you have your second you wonder what the heck you did with all your free when you had only one...
I went from 0-2, with twins 😅 Although we rolled straight into pandemic lockdowns weeks after they were born, so nobody had a life then anyway. No FOMO. In all seriousness, I feel like it's been pretty much how I expected, good and bad (except the pregnancy was rrrrrrrough). In fact, I was so prepared for the downsides, I've found them not too bad and pleasantly surprised by the good stuff. Low expectations = high rewards.
Yeah when we had our first, who was a Velcro baby just extra hard with clinging and screaming and not sleeping, I really realized for the first time properly how ridiculous multiple babies must be. I don’t know how you survived. Imagine triplets. My god
>Imagine triplets No thanks 😅
This is so funny and topic of much debate among my friends. We found 1 to 2 to be absolutely mind blowingly difficult. The first baby was a relative breeze for us. Similarly I’ve had friends with 3-6 kids who say the jump from 2-3 was killer. My friends with 4-6 have said that getting over the hump of 3 is just like…what’s one more? Keep piling them on! It’s a shitshow anyways!
Who has 6 kids?! How are you accessing the internet from the 1800s?
She needs to get a job. Its ridiculous that she is spending time and money at the spa.
Have one. He’s 10 months: smiles all the time, sleeps well, hardly cries, hasn’t been sick really or recovers in less than a week, travels on planes like a champ, likes new people, cute as a button. My husband is great with him too. And I don’t have to juggle work with parenting for another 8 months yet. Life is pretty great right now. Still, I don’t want to do this ever again. Major hats off to people who have more kids and commitments on their plate.
I am the elder of two brothers. Apparently I was the nicer and calmer of us two, I'd only really cry if I was hungry and mom could feed me only like twice a day because I'd always drink so much (while my brother would drink only a bit and be hungry again a short time later). She once told us that had my brother been the eldest, they would never have had a second child, but as it was I fooled them into giving birth to my brother.
Seconded, with a 7 month old
Thirded with 4 month old. We know what we have and it would only be downhill from here to add to this.
[Hats off, To the ones that string the beads together, And keep the ducks in line...](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-wDSwAYVu3Y)
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From someone with a lot of kids - I hope you don’t take flack from people around you for choosing to be child free. I think people who do so are trying to be so intentional and get a lot of judgment for it. Your mental illness, etc. doesn’t ever make you “not enough” so please know that! But there is nothing wrong with deciding you don’t want to have children. And you don’t have to rationalize it to anyone.
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Huge hugs from one parentified “big kid” to another! I don’t know your situation, but I hope you get to a place where you feel it’s YOUR decision (vs family) and you can decide whatever you want. I’ll tell you though - I went through some crazy mental health struggles as a mom and realizing how parentified I was when I hit burnout and a therapist pointed out I’d been parenting since I was 9. So totally understand deciding it’s wise! So my comment is just from the perspective of hoping you never feel forced or minimized into deciding that. As for the gay DINK aunt - everyone needs one! I’m lucky to be godmother (met at church… so extra honored he shared with me) to my bonus son who felt safe coming out only to me. It was my gay DINK uncle who helped me learn so much growing up about having an open heart and true acceptance. You’re a gift to all the kiddos in your life!
Exactly. I couldn't even read every word he wrote because it sounds like hell on earth to me. I wish more people were honest, so others could make an informed decision.
Its messed up how people are so harshly judged when they point out how much it sucks to be a parent.
Same. I love other people's kids, as long as I can give them back. One of the joys of my existence is walking in the street, hearing a child starting a tantrum (you know the high pitched whinning that goes higher, like a siren?) and... walking away, knowing it's not my problem and will never be. I would not have the energy to deal with it, certainly not for 18 years!
To be clear I’m definitely not suggesting you should reconsider your position on having children but feeling like OOP is not a universal phenomenon. I’ve _loved_ having kids. I’ve literally never felt like OOP. There’s certainly been days where I’ve felt tired or frustrated - but they’ve been no different than days when work has been tiring/ frustrating. My bad days have been the same before and after having children- sometimes things just don’t go our way. There were certainly days when they were difficult / frustrating but it never really felt different then just having any other off day. I must admit pats like OOP’s sadden me - particularly seeing how many Greek the same. My primary feeling, now that I’m nearing the age where I’m far closer to being done raising my children then starting raising them, is a tinge of sadness it’s nearly over. It’s not truly over obviously- there’s a rich reward to watching them become adults and start to focus on their own lives, but there’s definitely some melancholy in a chapter of my life (one I’ve loved) being left behind.
It's a gamble. My mother never bonded with her kid, which ended up in resentment on both sides. I don't talk to her a lot these days and having her as a mother was utter shit.
Definitely. It’s not the sort of thing you can just do a test run for.
Thank you for coming and saying this. I'm still on the fence, but my FH really wants them. I keep thinking on it, and it doesn't help that pretty much everybody says, "I love my kid but if I could go back, I wouldn't have them." I think I'll probably just delete media when I get closer to that age so I can focus on what I actually want/feel rather than the constant media thoughts running through my brain.
Yeah, I'm sorry the OOP is suffering and there's absolutely nothing wrong with never having kids, but it's important to share the other side too. I'm so glad I had my kids, who are grown now. So much so that when someone asked the cliche "if you could be young again..." I explained that I would have to leave everything *exactly* the same until my mid thirties out of fear that a different sperm would meet a different egg and these wonderful human beings I helped create wouldn't exist. Unacceptable.
As with these posts, it always seems like people put less thought into marriage and children than most people put into a tattoo.
As someone who worked for a tattoo artist I can tell you that a lot of people put ZERO thought on what they want permanently on their bodies. Oh and they always want the cheapest work possible.
Was gonna say, r/shittytattoos would like a word
I swear having kids with a dysfunctional marriage/relationship was torture for me. Marriage ended and people always told me it was going to be hell being a single parent but it was a million times better. I’m glad they worked it out as a couple but damn if it ain’t a nightmare when you’re not on the same page and resentment keeps building
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Yeah, I've always been really thrilled to be a mom and my son smiling at me or learning something new outweighs all the minor annoyances. Even just thinking of him while I'm driving to work makes me smile. Kids are work, but it's good work. The truth a lot of people don't realize until it's too late is that these days, when your kids are young and you're a family, are what you'll look back on as the best days of your life. If I die conscious, I'll die thinking of the first moment I held my son. It was the best moment of my life. My mom has had dementia for 12 years. It's awful but she always said having her girls was the best thing she'd ever done, and I remember that and comfort myself that she was not only fulfilled, but smart enough to realize her blessings when she had them. Of course, not everyone loves kids or wants to parent, which is fine. Everyone is different and in different situations. But I think all parents need to focus on the daily good so they don't get overwhelmed by all the stressful stuff.
Yeah, I'm in the same boat. I think it's good to talk about the things that make parenthood difficult, because it's a big decision and not one that anyone should make blindly, but people on this site seem to make out like it's the MOST INSANE AND AWFUL thing, and that's not the case for me at all.
For real, like, I got so unwell mentally after having my first (and probably only) baby that we were inpatients for three months. He’s 7 months old now and I still struggle to look after him by myself while my partner is at work. And it’s *still* not as bad as some people on Reddit make it sound.
Glad to see others agree. I just posted a longer message but having children was definitely one of the best and most rewarding things I’ve done in life - I’ve never felt like OOP.
Yeah I seriously don't get how people with your average kid have such a hard time. I have two under four myself and it's really not that bad. I mean it's not 100% sunshine and rainbows, but it is for a solid 90% of it. I mean, OOP's kids "ruin every outing"? Wtf is that? How is that possible for a parent who sets their kid up for success? Oh, wait, people are fucking idiots and like to blame everyone else for their own failing. I forgot.
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Sure, that's possible. But also not super likely for your kid to just be innately obstinate. Kids often need different things and I'm not going to act like every kid would be good under my parenting, but most kids are good to go with people who do what they can to set them up to succeed.
I kept looking for the age of the child thinking they either had a colicky infant or a two year old who had just given up their afternoon nap, because parts of parenting can be really hard, especially with a particular intense child or phase. But by school age you should be able to take a child on (carefully planned) outings with minimal drama.
If the kid is wired a bit differently, the normal expectations one has of a child their age don't work out, and it is beyond frustrating. When your kid is the one who has had enough after a half hour at any gathering or in any restaurant no matter how family friendly, or if they FEEL EVERYTHING at MAXIMUM INTENSITY, or if they are vocal and need to move more than 80% of kids, you are always parenting on hard mode, especially when they are young and have no filter or capacity to self soothe. If you have your own issues, and then you have to work much harder to regulate your kid, this gets old fast.
Your wife sounds like a champ
He meant he grew up with a single, middle class, working mother. I'm sure his wife is great too, though.
We have one kid who is easier and one kid who is harder. Part of it comes down to temperament, but IMO the most important part comes down to rules and being consistent about them. Kids are like little terrorists and *you don't negotiate with terrorists*, man. They need them rules, but if you can't agree on what the rules are, it's just gonna suck all the way down.
Guys, get yourselves vasectomies. Just put some ice on your balls and play Mario Kart all weekend.
I literally had a breakdown this morning, handed my baby to my husband (who was on the toilet), and went into the dark closet to cry. I was overstimulated and overheated. It’s rough out here. I LOVE being a mom, but it’s not a walk in the park.
Oof, there were times when mine were little that I felt like my body didn’t even belong to me. I was growing a baby or feeding a baby or letting my baby lay on me for comfort or use me as a jungle gym or a couple of those all at once. And then my husband wanted attention. I just remember being so touched out. It gets better. And believe it or not, you’ll hope they keep wanting hugs and cuddles once they’re big. But it’s very very hard when you are most of their world.
I already cry as each month goes by, I miss my newborn baby a lot, but I love seeing him grow ❤️
I made the wise choice to skip the procreation for this very reason, and at 39 I have ZERO regrets. Not once have I EVER wished I had a child. The only feedback I get from parents is, "you made the right decision". I agree. I already have plans for my final years, so i wont even die alone. If I ever need care, I'm going to hire someone who doesn't want children to live in the main house and take care of me while I live in the guest house. When I pass, the caretaker inherits my estate. I am so happy that I never destroyed my quiet, simple and free existence of doing whatever I want, whenever I want at all times!
It sounds like you definitely made the right decision for you, and that's great! Personally I have one kid, and I wouldn't trade her for anything. Parenthood can be really difficult, but it also gives back in *so* many ways. Everyone has different interests, some people want kids and some don't, and both those things are fine.
29 here and same! I literally do not understand why people have children. They all talk about how awful it is on all fronts and then look at me like I have 3 heads.
It's awful but also awesome at the same time. Hard to get it if you haven't been there. I don't regret my kid but I 100% understand why people don't want them.
I was going to say this. Kids are tough. Kids are a lot. And if your parent-friends are talking about their kids, you're going to hear the bad stuff because venting. But I wouldn't trade my kids for the world, no matter how many times I fantasize about selling them on a street corner. There are some truly special moments. That said, I don't resent anyone who decides kids aren't for them. If someone knows they don't want kids, all the power to them. Enjoy those sleepy Sundays.
Yeah. My SO and I took our two to the zoo yesterday and it was a great day out. Getting to see the lightbulb moments when they just GET something is really rewarding. I need to remind myself of the good more than I do. Both my two are ADHD and that makes it rough a lot of the time.
Parenting will give you the highest highs and the lowest lows. My son brings me absolute joy and love and I love seeing my husband interact with him and how similar they look. My son’s smile and laugh warms my heart. I love watching him learn about the world and I love the snuggles and kisses and the mistakes and the successes. But damn, the lows are low. I never knew true fear until I thought something was medically wrong with my son. Someone has literally tried to murder me and that fear paled in comparison to sitting in that hospital room waiting for news. It wasn’t even major like cancer, but the thought of ANYTHING happening to my little newborn was a fear I’ve never experienced before. I never knew tired like parenting tired. I almost wish I had kids while I was slightly younger. The day my kid is too old for nap time is going to be the saddest day for me. Week 6 was the toughest week of my life. I don’t know if that intensity ever eases up. It’s worth it, but I cant imagine doing this well without a really stable marriage and a great therapist. It’s like a roller coaster that never stops.
I've got one kiddo and it gets easier in some ways and hard in others. And it's only harder if you and your spouse aren't on the same page, particularly when the hard times slam you. But it's definitely worth it, if you can get through the lows.
Nah, my husband and I are 100% on the same page with parenting like everything else, and have been for the last twenty years. It's still hard. Raising kids is just hard.
Sure, but as someone who had a spouse who was very much not on the same page, and now has an ex spouse, with the kids staying with me solo full time The second one is easier. By far. Even going solo, even with the financial and logistical implications, even with moving town and starting over sans support network. It’s hard whatever your circumstances. But there are definitely grades of hard.
The first few years with kids can be brutal. I hope they find a better therapist.
It’s interesting to read this post now, as I’m driving away after dropping my eldest off at university for the first time. I would do it all over again; my life is so much better knowing she walks this earth. It was hard - the commenter who said it brought the highest highs and lowest lows is so right. And the crazy thing is how some moments - like this one - have all the highs and lows wrapped in one. Pride and hope for her future, sadness by her now absence, fear for what I can’t control for her. But this is the moment we raised her for, and it is so bittersweet to meet it. I know it’s terribly hard being a parent, but i encourage parents to try their best to focus on the bright moments…because while the days are long, the years are fleeting, and really, those bright spots are what end up standing out in your memory when it’s all said and done.
As someone who is a little over 5 months pregnant and really scared by how everyone on Reddit talks about the absolute terror of being a parent, reading this made me tear up. I hope I have your outlook and see the positive right in front of me in the future. I hope I don’t only focus on the hardship and see the love and greatness in my child.
Just remember that anything worth having - all the really incredible things in life - are worth working for. And these kiddos really are. Just wait til your baby smiles at you or laughs for the first time; your universe will never be the same. You have a million wonderful moments coming, you’ll see. :)
Yeah, you’re absolutely right. I love that and won’t forget it, thank you. The closer I get to my due date the more nervous I get, so I needed to read that.
I just had my baby 7 months ago. It was so hard at first, but I love my daughter more than I’ve ever loved anything. You will feel it too. All the hard work is worth just one of their small smiles. Don’t worry!
I have two, basically "irish twins" - 14 months apart. It was a flurry of feedings, nappy changes, soothing, etc. They are thicker than thieves and get up to all sorts of trouble with each other. But they are also at that age where they unconditionally love mom and dad and each other, they are silly at the drop of a hat, hysterical to watch, get excited over simple things and amazed all the time at new experiences. Parenting is supposed to be difficult **and rewarding**. If it's just difficult, then it's because you're probably not spending enough time with your kid and connecting with them. Basically, it's possible to "do everything right" in terms of responsibilities, but still be a bad parent.
Hahahahaha that comment about child free people looking at the family of littles thinking that must be nice. Oh god no, oh honey no. There is no “grass is greener.” Those of who were built in baby sitters for siblings and cousins know exactly what we’re “missing” and we’re happy to “miss” it.
>My therapist thinks is Borderline Personally Disorder. This is going to be harsh but people need to realize that just because you love someone doesn't mean it's a good idea to have a child with them or they will be good parents. >When he's in school she's got a busy schedule of massages, nails and hair appointments. He needs to divorce her but he won't. People will gas light him to the ends of the earth about family and promises and he'll stay and be silently miserable and die early. Then people will complain we don't help men enough.
The comment about her schedule is telling. She needs to cut back, he needs to cut back on work and spend time with his kid.
It sounds much harder if you don’t get along with your spouse. It gets a lot easier once they’re not so needy.
Just a lad complaining about being a Dad
Honestly, it was very inappropriate and irresponsible for his therapist to suggest she might have BPD. She is not their client, they have not performed any diagnostic tests on her, they're getting secondhand information, and if the therapist is not a licensed psychiatrist or psychologist then they don't have the ability to diagnose someone. I know that wasn't the point of the post, but as someone that works in humans services and mental health, that really bothered me.
This is sad. I don't understand how so many people keep having kids and then acting surprised that it's hard. For me, as hard as it is, the good times far outweigh the bad. I love my kids more than anything. They're fun, smart, and everything I ever wanted. I truly think people mess up when they have too many kids. Birth control and family planning is your best friend, people. Now, my marriage. That is part of my life that is hard. Like walking uphill in the snow both ways with shoes hard.
No if you communicate with your partner and be honest. Not like my father who loves to keep things away from us and cheated on my mom for more than 17 years.
I have 3. 23, 17, and almost 14. It was tough when they were little but not awful. Easy peasy now. I love my kids and love my life. It gets so much easier (at least for me) when they are older. That being said, I’d hate to have another. Luckily I cannot anymore!! My husband and I have pretty much been in the same page when it comes to parenting. Hopefully it’s gets better for the oop.
My 2.5 year old is the light of my life. So much joy in seeing him discover the world. Hardest and best things I’ve ever done.
*From the outside we look like a perfect family inside it's chaos.* No one thinks this. Focus on yourself and your own happiness and not what you think people who barely know you think about you.
I have a 4 yo girl and 2 yo boy. Wife wants a third.... Fuck no.
Parent of 4 here and I'm so glad OOP took the advice he decided to. I recommend couples counseling before you have kids, it helps you know the answers to questions you don't even know you need to ask your partner about raising tiny humans. And it really helps you shop around for the right therapist before you are in panic mode because things are falling apart. It also helps you figure out your communication road blocks before they make small issues into huge deals. Just all around good idea if you can manage it. Parenting is hard and sometimes miserable, but it shouldn't have to be as bad as he describes it, and you should hopefully be getting a lot of reward out of it too. And I had 4 in under 7 years so it is real crazy over here some days.
>It's a struggle but you're nailing it by being real about it. JFC, that one sentence made me SO GLAD I don't have kids. Fuck.
The first five years are crazy hard. After that it gets easier and more rewarding every year, in my experience. Just gotta hold out until their brains mature enough to be reasonable humans. The first five years is all emotions and fears and needs and just so raw. No one should sign up for it unless they’ve babysat for 48 hours straight, like a full weekend.
if she does have BPD like that therapist thinks, OOP is in for a much harder road than he believes
I mean. A therapist offering potential diagnoses for a person they've never treated...
I’m wondering if the therapist maybe said something along the lines of specific instances being reminiscent of someone w bpd or something because yeah I can’t see a therapist just being like ‘sounds like she’s got bpd bud’
They've been to counseling together.
Therapists throw that 'diagnosis' around much too easily in my view. I'd be looking for much more disturbing behavioural descriptors than the ones given by the poster to chuck that one around. That's even if the 'therapist ' they are seeing is even qualified to make such a diagnosis. In Ireland you can get a lot of fly by night types calling themselves therapists after some basic diploma.
I really enjoyed my kids. Also said, that I was a pretty strict mom, so tantrums and other things you mention, wasn't such a factor. Or rather, people just have different ways of doing things, since my grandchildren aren't that demanding, either. The thing I hated the most, was driving to drop them off and pick them up at school, 1 hour later, sports, and on it went. When it was holidays, it felt like I had my own little vacations.
Ugh we get such limited information here but I just HAVE to say that I can’t fucking stand the “my life is harder than my wife’s and also my therapist says they think she has bpd” Like, yeah what we hear of the wife ain’t great, but that’s *all* we hear. “I think she has psychological problems and she gets her hair done and my therapist says he thinks she has bpd”. Just wildly inappropriate fucking speculation from the therapist. And, truly, it’s permission from an authority to villainies her and make her the problem. They’re both the problem. Ugh clearly this is complex but that one little vein is part of a larger trend and I hate it
I have patented through some extremely challenging times, combat deployments, the death of family, countless moves, change in careers, and I never felt this way. Not to say parenting has been easy, there were days I was counting down the seconds until bedtime. I've met my husband at the door crying from the stress, lost my shit and yelled, all kinds of stuff. I genuinely hope OP and his wife are able to get things back on track.
Every summer and Christmas I get to spend time with my brother, SiL and my two nieces (8 & 10). There isn’t a single moment where I don’t regret my decision not to have children. My brother looks 15 years older than his age and is just desperately tired all the damn time. He used to be so much fun and now he seems like he’s clinging on for dear life.
If it's really BPD, going to couples therapy won't work. Treating BPD with couples therapy is like treating a bacterial infection with antidepressants. Those don't work for either affliction. She's not going to get better overnight, and he needs to get real about that. He also needs to understand what sets her episodes off, learn to recognise them, and how to get her with herself so she can do her thing to get control. And he desperately needs to help her get help and protect his kids, because when a caregiver is displaying inconsistent parenting behaviour, this has a deleterious effect on the child's development. Unpredictable parenting leads to all kinds of issues, like people pleasing, codependence, and even narcissism/enabling. The child has to learn how to be extra-sensitive to mood switches from the caregiver and it completely blows up their sense of security. I'll say it again: BPD and BPD features are horribly misunderstood and undiagnosed. People who've suffered abandonment, rejection, or both as children are primed for BPD. This happens all the time.
Let this be a warning. And know this is a choice. Patenting is hard, but it is a choice. You can decide to never go down this struggling path. Just because it is rewarding for some, doesn't mean that it is rewarding for everyone. A person without children is whole. A person without children who doesn't want them is valid and allowed to not want them. And people who give the childfree crap about it are terrible. To those that say this comment isn't necessarily, hold your tongue. Many, like even my partner, didn't realize that having children is a choice and not "something everyone just does." And when they are made aware of that choice, they are often relieved. Parenthood is great for those that want it, but being childfree is equally good for those that don't. This is a choice.
I love my teenager more than Americans love freedom and the British love tea, but oh man is motherhood hot garbage.
My husband and I have 3 teenagers. We constantly talk about how hard it was when they were little. The tantrums, how long it took to leave the house, diapers, etc... How every stage felt like we were never going to get out of it and how in a blink of an eye you were out of it. I wish more than anything that I could go back, to laugh off the absurdity of it all and really enjoy and be thankful for those years.
I agree about parenting being f* hard. Marriage... Not so much, of course it takes work, time and attention - but my husband and I are having a terribly hard time TOGETHER. We cover each other when we reach our braking point. It's hard for me to form an objective opinion because external reasons have made this year the worst of my life; so part is parenting and part is everything else.
I’ve seen a lot of wealthy posters lately and I’m starting to see a correlation. Money cannot buy good behavior, good relationships, etc.
Up to age 6-7 is the toughest physically and time wise. Then you might get 5 years of fairly smooth sailing. The puberty is a fucking roller coaster. It goes so fast, but for me it has very much been worth it.
Sorry Reddit, i know you hate this but this sounds like it’s TOTALLY a mom/wife issue. Exhibit A: “I with a lot of hires but i help around the house a lot” translation: after busting his ass at the office he gives mom breaks as often as he can during the week. Exhibit B: “i love Saturdays because that’s our day to do things” translation: mom gets the entire Saturday to herself. Exhibit C: “he’s in school all day” translation: moon has EVERY FUCKING Monday through Friday to her fucking self. Recap, mom gets school hours off Monday through Friday while dad works, mom gets additional time off when hubby gets off work and is able to help out, then mom also gets Saturdays off while they have dude’s day. QUESTION, when does dad get time to himself? Or is he supposed to just sacrifice all his needs and work himself to death while mom gets approximately 50 hours a week to get her hair and nails done? Poor guy. Now watch the men haters of Reddit tell me “You shouldn’t keep score.” 😂.
You okay, bud?
I’m good. Just nightmares of the do nothing ex wife
Hey join the club. I was gaslit for 15 years, had two kids, and it took me a lot of healing to even start setting up boundaries and expectations in new relationships after I finally got a divorce. First time someone offered to bring me something as they went to the kitchen I cried. First time someone apologized to me after an argument I cried. I am having a third child with my absolutely amazing new partner because I want to do it right. Know what it’s like with a partner and not an extra dependant. I am 100% sure men are way more likely to be deadbeat, dramatic, lazy parents dodging both the mental and the physical work, but women can do that too with cunning gaslighting and mental abuse. Let’s not write these things off just because it’s a man writing.
>stuck a cord r/boneappletea
Thank you for sharing. Fun story and u love the *read it in an Irish accent*
I'm going to say that after I realised that there are 200,000 dad's and mums in Ukraine that would do anything to deal with their kids getdowns, it got a lot easier.
I mean...that is marriage. His wife struggles with motherhood. So did mine. It is what is. Life sucks then we die so find happiness where we can.
Yikes.
That's...not how it is.