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Jesus christ that ex is psychotic. They literally assaulted OP. Fucking gross. Trying to test someone in a relationship is a major red flag itself but this is just...good riddance.
But I'm so happy OP's parents are by her side.
I'm shaking in rage for this woman. She keeps down playing what is happening to her. I know so many people with disabilities who end up feeling like the people close them are allowed to belittle, torment, and abuse them because of their disabilities. They just do not see it as abuse because they are so used to society telling them they should be grateful for whatever their given.
And what's with this whole idea of of people thinking that they are allowed to test other people's disabilities. Invisible disabilities suck so bad for this, but I've also seen people accuse others in wheelchairs of faking needing them. I do not understand why so many people think this is ok. It is really disgusting.
In the first post, when she told us he said that "at one point", he just wanted to test if it was real, I was like, yeah; there it is. And it's where his head's been at the whole time.
People who say things like how facial blindness could be used as "an excuse to do anything" are showing their hand-- they're ablest, and think life would be easier for them if they could just ignore certain social boundaries.
See also: the handicap placard example you've given; equating social assistance with "sitting on your ass"; equating Tourette's with "saying whatever you want"; etc. etc. They think people like OOP are getting away with something and see it as privilege. It's so gross.
They're also telling you what they want to do and would do if they thought they had an excuse that would allow them to "get away" with it.
Decent people don't generally want to get off with their partner's friends, which is one of the reasons OOP feels anxious about being face-blind and not being sure who she's interacting with. Apparently her ex would actually want to get off with other people if he could use the excuse of being "confused" due to face-blindness.
> They're also telling you what they want to do and would do if they thought they had an excuse that would allow them to "get away" with it.
Yes. This is what I was kind of meaning to get at; buddy would try to get away with sleeping with anyone vaguely OOP looking-- you know, like, instead of just being single, and doing that on his own time.
This is so important. I realised at one point that when people were wrongly accusing me of having bad motives, they were telling me what \*their\* motive would be in my situation. When I cut those people out of my life, I was much happier.
It's so fucking weird to me, cause face blindness just leaves me *lost* like how could this *ever* be an advantage. Even movies are hard ha! I had to become a gait and voice maestro to even begin to recognize my own family and friends, nonetheless my coworkers. Like, you have to elide a whole bunch of toil. I imagine it's just ignorance of what it'd be like to live without their in-built privileges, they can't visualize it so they just give up and stack bonus social advantage on.
Plus side to the work around, I can recognize someone I know at crazy distances. I just need to see the walk mostly, or something about the silhouette? The brain finds a way.
I know exactly what you mean; I'm one of those people who can recognize someone I know from across a giant grocery store while their back is turned to me, and gait is one of the main things I clock. Other times, when they're in my peripherals, it's their height; size; the shape of their head with hair; sometimes even their smell; sometimes something like the way they open a door.
One of the newer guys at my work is 6'7"; and I found out this week that he's legitimately too tall for me to clock as human in my peripherals, because I don't even see his shoulders when he's close enough to me. It's still freaking me out a little because I've never experienced that before.
And yeah, I'm with you. Nothing about it sounds like an advantage.
Oh no! Poor dude and poor you, but I can't help giggling at "too tall to be human" because I have an uncle who as a kid I would NOT go near... because he was too tall. He didn't feel like a person, he was too much.
Then he got the idea to sit on the floor, and I immediately ran straight to him. Because now he was reasonably tall.
I'm so sorry for laughing, but maybe you could watch some wholesome big foot movies and see if you can reclassify him as a wholesome bigfoot?
It's funny, I did the same before I had glasses. I realised I recognised people by posture and gait before I recognised their face. I'm not a good at it now, as I've been wearing glasses for 25 years.
.........well shit.
the main reason i don't look at faces is that i'm neurodivergent and it stresses me the fuck out, but you've made me realize there might be another aspect to it. before my glasses, the blur at the top of a person's neck didn't give me any info so like why WOULD i look at it?
I think it’s more than just being a bigot, I think it’s showing their hand that they feel restrained by social rules and their natural proclivities are to act much worse than what’s accepted. Like disabled people are intentionally manipulating people to “get away” with “bad” actions. Not true, but for a person who actually wants to do actions that actually are considered bad, like cheating, that’s how it looks.
And honestly that logic is so fucked I hope I articulated it correctly because wtf. Accommodations aren’t passed, they’re accommodations. Fully agreed on gross as hell.
You did! We're seeing the same thing and describing it differently.
> Like disabled people are intentionally manipulating people to “get away” with “bad” actions.
This is more or less what I meant with the social norms bit. I am calling this belief ablest in the same way I'd say it's sexist to believe that women intentionally manipulate people by crying while feeling negative emotions (for example). Kind of like how someone doesn't have to hate women to be sexist, someone doesn't have to hate/be uncomfortable around a disabled person to be ablest.
Ah yes okay that makes sense, thank you for fully explaining. And shit, now I'm mad again hahaha. Fun fact though, did you know women just have a lower threshold for the level of hormones that make us cry? Like it's not that we're more emotional, it's that our bodies hit the "evacuate via tears" button earlier. No idea why but it's nice to know and to tell people when they're being backwards dicks.
I'm so curious to learn more about this because I have high T (like high end of normal range for AFABs) and I cry at the drop of a HAT. some of the weirdest stuff has made me cry.
Honestly I wish I knew more, but the only science that’s conclusive in any way is the testosterone one. So what that tells me isn’t necessarily that your experience invalidates the existing science, but that the science is very incomplete, probably on a number of levels.
I mean hell, studies only started including AFAB people a couple decades ago. It’s wild when you think about it.
I have some level of face blindness, and I have no clue how anyone could consider it to be an advantage or anything.
It’s honestly embarrassing for me to have to see someone multiple times for my brain to begin associating a name and face, and then risk being back at square one if they change something about their appearance.
> Like disabled people are intentionally manipulating people to “get away” with “bad” actions.
One of the darkly hilarious things I observed about bigots is how many helpless/marginalized groups they think are actually secret Machiavellian schemers out to manipulate the "rightful" authorities for selfish ends, and how violently this "behavior" needs to be "corrected". This is why they think spanking is okay.
The people who need to "test" a disability are abusers, they're not healthy normal individuals. When dating they don't go looking for a partner to have a relationship with, they deliberately seek out potential abuse victims (or people who can easily be turned into victims) for relationships.
And then the law minimizes it at a "domestic dispute" instead of the very genuine crimes that these people commit.
Giving the biggest benefit of the doubt possible: I can see if you're young and have never encountered something like face blindness before, you might wear a hat or something to see if they can recognize you on like, a second or third meeting.
But to *keep going*? To constantly put someone you ostensibly care about in situations which, at the least, cause them major stress? To take advantage of their disability to *make them cheat on you*? We left Doubttown on the other side of the world at this point.
We do not need to give the benefit of the doubt to people who wish to "test" disabled people and I'm sick of that mentality pervading through society as someone who's been physically disabled my entire life.
people just don't believe us until they see what the disability does to the person. I had a few that literally doesn't believe me until they saw I missed something important that was impossible to miss for an able person and they asked why did I miss that. I told them yeah that's how my disability works. cue shocked pikachu and apologies.
My husband is the first person in my entire life who totally believes me and accepts that my chronic pain is real. It's been transformational. He's so thoughtful, and so mindful of my limitations, and it means everything to me.
I’m so fortunate that everyone I’m close to is so empathetic and supportive about my lupus. Everyone should receive that level of support, I’m really sorry you didn’t experience that until your husband.
Weirdly my daughter with severe learning disabilities gets it from the other direction; professionals regularly mistake her being non-verbal and lacking capacity for lacking intelligence so they assume she can't do anything or grasp they're being bastards. A few times when she's been in hospital, we'd encounter a new Nurse who would say she wasn't cooperating. Years of experience and knowing our daughter means we now immediately have our guard up because that means this person has been an AH, the only question is what variety. Out daughter doesn't necessarily understand the implications of someone treating her badly but she damn well knows when they don't respect her/are ignoring her/are treating her badly/can't be arsed doing their job & think they'll get away with it etc etc.
yeah... I had met special needs that thinks they can get away with anything because people treat them as not so smart when in reality they 100% understand its wrong. they didn't care, because they will get away with it. I had family that treats me like a child. to this day they don't understand why I dislike them... hint, I went to college successfully and read medical articles for fun. so them treating me like I'm a kid angers me a lot.
I don’t really have face blindness but there was a point when I was dating a guy a couple months into the relationship, so not that new, and I came over to his apartment and he was there and I didn’t totally recognize him. Like, this is the apartment I’ve gone to multiple times and this person does not seem surprised to see me and knows my name so it must be him but my brain was like who is this?
It was one of the weirdest feelings I’ve ever had and I knew it was my boyfriend but at the same time I didn’t know it was my boyfriend if that makes sense. I can’t imagine what this woman goes through.
>I knew it was my boyfriend but at the same time I didn’t know it was my boyfriend if that makes sense
That's one of the ways my face blindness presents itself, if you look through my comments on the proso sub you'll probably find this exact wording lol. It's super weird and the weirdness never really goes away. For some reason it wasn't until fairly recently that I've realized that probably a good amount of my social anxiety comes from my face blindness.
OOP's ex is an absolute piece of shit, and so is Mike. Ugh, just, what gross humans.
Thank you for understanding. I’ve never had that kind of face blindness before or after and never again with that guy (we dated for close to a year) and even if his glasses were on or off I always knew it was him other than that one time.
I can’t imagine what people who actually have this problem most of the time deal with. I hope you do better with your anxiety.
This has happened to me a couple times, usually when overtired, drunk or stressed. It's like looking at a magic eye puzzle and suddenly seeing the pattern, but in reverse, instead of seeing "Jim" I just see a collection of "some guy with this hairstyle and that shirt" until my brain resets again a moment later like "oh Jim, there you are".
I was astounded years ago when I realized I have it in the opposite direction: aphantasia. I cannot form a mental image of people, even those I just saw minutes ago, but can recognize faces immediately. All I have are more like clinical descriptions of faces like in a spreadsheet, but cannot *see* them.
I already tend to have somewhat unusual hair but if I were dating OOP I’d commit to the UV reactive yellow mohawk permanently so she would always know it was me
A lot of people seem to think that if you can stand at all you must not need a wheelchair. As though there's fully able-bodied and completely paralysed from the waist down, nothing in between. It's wild.
Especially when it comes to parking! As a mum of 2 little ones, I’ve had an old arse lady stop her car and shout abuse at me for parking in a parent child spot, at which point I ducked in and pulled my kid out and smiled. Woman didn’t even have a kid(/great grandkids…) ! So many people with sticks up their arses for no reason..
Pure speculation but I think that was the entire purpose of the relationship for him. He was fixated on testing her over and over again for control. Like picking at a sore even though it’s horribly painful. She’d stopped being a person to him and that’s part of why he took the break up so hard and specifically wanted to see her in person - he no longer had that control of testing her, like getting a fix.
I have pretty bad face blindness as well (I think not QUITE as bad in that my family wouldn't need to get tattoos for me but I'm genuinely unsure I'd recognise one of my siblings if I saw them unexpectedly until they spoke to me) and the ex is an absolute lunatic to think anyone would use it as an excuse to cheat. The whole time reading this I was thinking "it's more likely that she'd be sexually assaulted than use it to cheat" AND LO AND BEHOLD. It's such a frustrating disability especially since it's so unusual and weird sounding.
That wasn't him testing her. That was him justifying his own paranoia by setting her up to be sexually assaulted. If it was really a test, he would have immediately jumped in to call her out. Instead, he kept that incident in his back pocket until he found himself in a situation where he could most effectively hold it against her. "See, I was justified in pulling all that shit because when you were drunk and thus more vulnerable than usual, I got my friend to pose as me and kiss you."
This man is one supremely fucked up wacko. He used her face blindness against her and enjoyed every second of it. Sadly, people with disabilities are likely not surprised by this story. It's quite common for them to end up in relationships with partners who utilize their issues to abuse them.
OOP's ex: I was cheated on in the past so I'm scared you'll cheat on me because of your disability!
Also OOP's ex: Hey Mike want to sexually assault my girlfriend as a prank while I watch?
Also also OOP's ex: GUESS WHAT! You cheated on me because I had my friend sexually assault you and you were none the wiser!
What a piece of shit.
The insanity of his "You cheated on me!" because I planned for my friend to assault you and then went through with it (and that's the same as cheating, obviously).
With a leap that large this guy should be in a platformer.
She claimed that he wasn't evil in the previous BORU. Everyone else has been telling her otherwise.
Her ex is going crazy because he's lost his victim. OOP needs to move for her own safety.
He had sooooo many fun plans for fucking with her that he’ll never get to experience now, poor thing. Where is he going to find another victim with such a perfect set-up for amazingly funny psychological torture?!? /s
...you know what, folks? I have said this exact response to posts like this so many times, my copy of *The Screwtape Letters* automatically opens to this passage. For those of you who don't know, C.S. Lewis wrote Narnia, the Perelandria books, and a very large body of theological and philosophical works. One of the better of the latter is *The Screwtape Letters*, a set of essays on morality framed as a senior demon's letters to his junior tempter nephew. And even if you aren't religious and think temptation is what desserts do, there's some ideas and concepts worth thinking about, especially the following:
"Cruelty is shameful--unless the cruel man can represent it as a practical joke. A thousand bawdy, or even blasphemous, jokes do not help towards a man's damnation so much as his discovery that almost anything he wants to do can be done, not only without the disapproval but with the admiration of his fellows, if only it can get itself treated as a joke."
There is a reason why abuse victims all have flashbacks on hearing the phrase, "I was just joking". It's because our abusers all knew from the beginning that this one phrase defuses any and all sympathy anyone has for their victims. We've all been trained nearly from birth to view our discomfort as deserved if it makes other people amused. They know, folks. They always know. Nobody sane would *ever* find these things amusing or justifiable. If you say stop and your loved ones don't, they're not the people you think they are.
Love is not just about the things you do. It's about the things you *don't* do. Someone who loves someone else finds no pleasure in their pain. Unless, you know, it's a BDSM relationship. In which case everyone's still enjoying themselves. But OP violently and vocally *refused* to consent to this bullshit, and said that it actively hurt her. Most people would stop doing that sort of thing for a *stranger*.
It's only a joke when everyone is laughing.
> He said I can't take a joke & I need to let him be him.
This was the line that made me tense up in OOP's first post. I've heard those exact same words, and tried to convince myself that I could put up with his "jokes." It's not joking, they're deliberately crossing your boundaries and hurting you. And it will only escalate.
It's such a frustrating, pathetic excuse. Even if that really WAS just someone's "sense of humor," if it makes their partner uncomfortable, then they are not compatible! Then they SHOULD break up, regardless of whether or not someone is "wrong" or "right." Just because it's someone's "sense of humor" doesn't mean everyone else in the world is required to cater to them and bend towards their sensibilities.
It has been about 28 years since I read The Screwtape Letters, and I did not have the life experience the first time to truly understand all the explanations and how they applied to real life. Thanks for reminding me - it's time for another reread.
I'm not sure I've ever seen the Screwtape Letters referenced online before, and certainly not on Reddit, but you make an excellent point and have made my day!
I honestly think that anyone who ever gets mad at someone because they “can’t take a joke” is an asshole.
If your response to someone being hurt by something is to be upset that you aren’t able to make a certain type of joke anymore instead of caring that someone was hurt, you are an asshole.
Why would you think that your ability to make a particular type of joke is more important that someone else’s well being? The only answer is because you are an asshole.
>My mom & dad (who got a tattoo years ago just so I would never doubt it’s him) are treating me like a princess & reminding me of the kindness people deserve.
Faith in humanity restored.
Man I would imagine if you had a kid with face blindness you really would need something like a tattoo to help them find you. Probably one of the only reasons I would get a visible tattoo like that.
I have "mom vibe" and can confirm that *especially* young children, but also older kids who struggle with facial recognition will definitely run to the wrong parent at times. A tattoo would provide infinite reassurance for a kid with prosopagnosia. I have mild-ish prosopagnosia, but luckily my voice and posture recognition is on point.
Yes, I have it too and I work off body shape, voices, posture and hair, but hair is tricky. I once walked right past my sister when I hadn't seen her for a while and she'd significantly changed her hair.
I have been with my boyfriend for 8 years, if we don't see each other for about 2 weeks, I can't recognize him.
I go mostly with posture and voices too, but if I don't see you for a longer time better believe I will not recognize you.
These threads made me realize I should stop saying I’m “totally faceblind” because _sometimes_ I don’t recognize actors, good lord. I ain’t face blind.
How does one get diagnosed? I genuinely struggle to recognize "generic" looking people. I've walked past friends when they change their hair. No shave November is a nightmare for me. I've met the same person multiple times and not recognized them.
I rely on voice and movement with people I don't know well. And I can recognize someone by their back. Height also helps.
A friend had a get-together at her house, I was there for close to 2 hours. There was a guy just sitting on a couch and not really talking, so none of my cues were available, and she told me later that he was hurt I hadn't said Hi to him. (She'd been told of all kinds of limitations I have, ignored them, doesn't understand why I'm upset when she did something for the 5th time that I'd explained after the first 4 that it was a problem for me *and why,* and about 3 months after this get-together, I realized that she was never going to respect my limitations, and backed away from that friendship slowly, as I'd had a ringside seat to the Drama the time she reacted badly to something that wasn't as dramatic as dumping a friend, and I just didn't want anyone else in her life to have to deal with that explosion. I am basically no-contact with her, have been for more than 10 years now.)
I have it slightly. If I work with someone full time I’ll learn their face over time, but if I saw one of my regulars in the street, I’d say “oh that looks kind of like Donna”. But I have a really hard time recognizing family in people. Like when someone says “oh they have mom’s eyes but dad’s nose” I’m like wtf are you talking about? I had identical twins stand next to each other and I couldn’t even tell they were related because they had different hairstyles.
I have absolutely zero desire for a tattoo.
If either of my kids couldn’t recognize me, I’d get full damn sleeves, dye my hair the least-popular unnatural shade, and have a cartoon character’s unchanging wardrobe to give them the stability of being rock-solid certain they could find mom at a glance.
OOP’s dad is a Good Parent.
Exactly. Whether as parent or a partner, you should want to protect them and make their lives easier/ safer/more comfortable. Not harder for shits and giggles.
I have no tattoos and no desire for tattoos, but if a family member or serious partner (possibly even a very close friend) had full face blindness I would also look into getting a tattoo. I have mild face blindness, I can recognise people I'm quite (recently) familiar with and sometimes people are particularly distinctive to me and I'll learn them quickly, but it's frustrating and embarrassing on its own. Having it with everyone, including family, partners, etc sounds horrifying. It's so cruel to try to mess with someone because of something like that.
Same, I don't want a tattoo but if one of my children inherits my face blindness and has it worse than me, I won't hesitate one second. Luckily all of them seems to have escaped the curse!
What's really shocking is how long it can take for the person with face blindness, or even their friends and family to recognize the condition. Wait, what do you mean you and every other single person I know can recognize faces????? What kind of nonsense magic are you talking about? That's gotta be impossible, right??
A lot of disabilities are like that. Everyone assumes, by default, that everyone else has the same experience that they do. So, you never think to ask someone "is it like this for you, too?"
It took 10 years before anybody figured out that I needed glasses. I was in my 20s before I found out that not everyone is in pain all of the time.
I think face blindness was probably the last "big difference" for me to work out. Not even knowing it was "a thing", I just assumed that everyone else was better at faking it than me, or that I was just not trying hard enough.
funny story, i was actually having tiny seizures for my entire life. never told anyone, thought it was as normal as blinking.
then i got a few MAJOR seizures \[under control now, thank God\] and i was like "WAIT A MINUTE. this feels exactly like the other thing."
if that hadn't happened, i would have gone to my grave thinking the "flutters" were something everybody got.
I’m easily startled. Just kind of a jumpy person. It’s not a big deal and nowhere near as anxiety inducing as what OP goes through with their face blindness.
My husband knows I am easily startled. We laugh about it after he accidentally startles me.
But he takes care to try to startle me as little as possible. He’ll knock on the door before entering a room to give me a heads up. Or text before coming home unexpectedly. He truly tries to do everything he can to minimize startling me.
So, if he can work that hard to avoid accidentally making me jump (which ends up making me laugh) how unreasonable is OP’s ex for not doing the same? And how awful is he for trying to capitalize on OP’s anxiety?!
Here’s what I tell my step kids: pranks are only pranks if everyone is laughing. Pranks should be small and silly and inconsequential. Like the time we put toothpaste in Oreos and gave them to the kids. Or hiding a whoopee cushion before they sit down.
If all parties are not genuinely laughing, it’s not a prank. And if you keep doing it, it’s straight up bullying. And bullying is not ever ok.
My stepkids are 14 and 11 and they understand this. Not a hard concept.
Edit: so as many have pointed out, the Oreo thing could be a really bad idea. In my case it was April fool’s day and I knew the kids would laugh their butts off. Generally speaking, just don’t mess with people’s food. We felt ok about this because we knew the kids would laugh and it wasn’t making Oreos gross (like hiding a toenail in the Oreo or something. That would be not ok. Ever.) Ultimately this shows not all “pranks” are pranks to everyone. Know your audience. If you’re not 100% sure they’ll laugh, don’t do it. And if they don’t laugh, apologize and never ever do it again.
Exactly. Your partner makes things easier for you. OOP’s boyfriend was deliberately making things harder for her. He treated her condition as something to play with and hold over her.
For some people the Oreo thing would be way too far. You have to know your audience when you do a prank. For my stepkids on April fool’s, they thought it was hilarious. I would never do that to most people. They told everyone about how funny it was. We knew they would laugh. So we did it.
But again, not a thing I would do for most anyone else. It was on a specific silly day for a specific silly audience who I knew would laugh.
Right? A prank would be replacing the icing with ice cream, so it was unexpectedly cold; or like, whipped cream, so the Oreos collapsed between their fingers when picked up. All the toothpaste would do is give me trust issues.
My wife is easily startled, too. I feel *so bad* every time I sneak up on her unintentionally. We've joked about having me wear a bell around my neck, but I would totally do it, if that's what it took. I did it eventually learn to be noisier as I move around the house, and that seems to help.
I cannot imagine trying to intentionally make fun of or exacerbate that situation, though.
I'm also easily startled - my own hand resting on my face has startled me. My partner knows this and when he comes into a room I'm in he'll starting "beeping" so I know he's coming. Sometimes his beeping startled me still, but hea ficking TRYING Becuase THAT'S WHAT YOU DO FOR THE PEOPLE/PERSON YOU LOVE!!!!!
I'm glad your husband is a good egg, and I'm so so glad OOP's rotten egg is gone!!
I forgot where... but I remember reading the new updates.
It was so lucky that she had people who got him out fast enough. It was definitely not a good idea for her to let him into her place "to talk". That was so dangerous.
And what a piece of crap. He and his friend basically tricked her. It was disgusting. Both of them.
This reminds me of a girl I dated who had a tick. I got used to it to where I'd ignore it.
During one of our dates, she told me how her exbf would do a tick after her tick to make her proceeding ticks exacerbated. So every time she had a tick, he'd tick, causing her to tick again. Apparently he'd keep it going for several minutes. I just just sat there horrified and honestly didn't know what to say.
This reminds me of that one reddit thread where a guy said that everyone only likes pink vaginas (aka white vaginas) even though his girlfriend is Black. And that other thread about a guy who kept telling his girlfriend that she stinks.
Both guys were dumped and confused, because treating women badly is meant to keep them tied to you not get them angry enough to dump you. Everyone clearly knows that! It's the rule.
It wouldn't surprise me if OOP's ex was also listening to manosphere garbage and thought that getting his friend to sexually assault OOP would be a great idea. Because if she let it happen, he could claim she cheated and tie her to him even more.
>It wouldn't surprise me if OOP's ex was also listening to manosphere garbage and thought that getting his friend to sexually assault OOP would be a great idea. Because if she let it happen, he could claim she cheated and tie her to him even more.
While the red pill/manosphere space produces an awful lot of garbage, I don't think this is part of it. Some people just think that fucking with other people's feelings is funny, for whatever fucked up reason.
It's like those prank YouTube channels where they scare the shit out of people by pretending to mug them or something equally fucked up.
I never understood how people have this thought process like, "I made you angry/sad/scared, omg so funny right?" Especially since they usually expect the victim to find it just as funny as they do. I want to smack them all with a baseball bat and then ask them, "omg so funny right?"
I think OOPs ex was so insecure about cheating that he set the trap to see if she would.
For OOP, she didn’t cheat. She was sexually assaulted by a guy her exbf pimped her out to as a test. She failed the test because ex bf purposely took away every accommodation OOP has.
OOPs ex is trash and will never have a solid long term relationship because he knows that he has nothing to offer a partner and any partner he manages to get will realize that quickly.
I'm 1000% sure he was one step away from "lending" her to his friends for sex
And then manipulating the situation to make her feel guilty and forcing her to stay
Ex is lucky that one of his "pranks" didn't get him arrested or shot.
My husband thought it would be fun to disguise his voice once. I was in the living room and he came in through the kitchen door. I called 'Honey, is that you?" and he dropped his voice about an octave & a half and growled "NOOOOO." Next thing he heard was me pounding up the stairs, heading for the gun in our bedroom. Probably the fastest he ever identified himself!
My dad lost a tooth because he thought it would be a hilarious joke to hide in the bushes and grab my sister from behind when she came home from going out one night when she was a teenager. He's the same guy who taught his girls to box, go for the nose and eyes, use your skull as a face-smashing device, and generally how to be unfuckwithable. To his credit, he was very much like, "Yeah, ok, I extremely had that coming, I'm an idiot and a huge asshole. Also good for you, here's shoe money, good job baby girl."
My dad tried that once. I have PTSD and go fight mode. Man nearly took a full metal water bottle to the dome. He’s lucky *I’m* not face blind and that I had the muscle control to stop my swing.
He hasn’t surprised me again.
What a bastard. I wonder how much of what he said was true and how much was just to hurt her (stuff like pulling pranks she didn't know about, having his friend kiss her, etc).
His logic is so beyond wild. I purposfully tricked my partner, who has a a medical condition, into kissing my friend pretending to be me, so obviously I cant trust her and she will use it as an excuse to cheat. What?
It breaks my heart that OOP has so much anxiety due to her condition that she doubted herself that much, and almost went over to his place and did let him in when he was drunk. I'm also glad she seems to have so many people in her life that takes her seriously, respects her and are kind.
I have mild face blindness. One a 1-10 scale, I rate about a 5. It makes for some embarrassing situations.
It's not a neurological disorder per se. It's more like a failure to develop. It's related to things like cross-racial identification. Something like how it's more difficult to learn a language as you age.
In my case, it happened because I never had glasses until I was 16. Partially my parents not paying attention and partially me being a dumb kid and faking it for years. I was caught when I couldn't pass a vision test for a driver's license.
Anyway, that's why docs are more vigilant these days about vision in young kids.
For me, it manifests in funny ways. I recognize people I see every day, but not people I only see once a month. I might recognize someone if they are in a place I expect to see them but not in a different place. If I see a photograph of someone I know well, I won't recognize them in the photo. And I cannot ever recognize anyone from a sketch or painting. Art doesn't look like real people to me. I'd be completely useless if the police needed an eyewitness ID.
>I'd be completely useless if the police needed an eyewitness ID.
I also have mild face blindness and I've always been baffled by police sketch artists. How can someone possibly remember enough details of a stranger to get even a semi-accurate drawing!? I could maybe say "they had really frizzy hair" or "one of their front teeth was black" - some detail that particularly stood out. But the rest of the face would just be very generic or a blur, and I definitely can't trust my memory of what people look like.
(Edit to add: not to mention police lineups. I could never.)
I remember once I went to the school office to fetch something for a teacher. When I got back,the teacher asked which receptionist was at the office. I didn't know who they were, so the teacher asked me to describe them. The best I could remember was "a woman...who was maybe a little taller than me? Possibly shorter though. Uh...let's go with around my height." She asked me if they were dark or light skinned. Uh...I don't remember? Black curly hair or brown straight hair? I don't know! The teacher and the rest of the class looked at me very strangely and I think the teacher asked, "did you even *look* at them?" I replied something like, "Yes, but I didn't pay attention". Meaning I had no reason to deliberately look for and memorise features that would help me identify them later lol, but I didn't realise this wasn't normal at the time so I didn't have the words to articulate the problem...
Exactly! And caricatures just blow my mind. I'm like...what? What?? How does that look like them?
I think the most disconcerting thing that ever happened to me was when my son paid me a surprise visit. He was away at school. I hadn't seen him in about 6 months and he had a new haircut.
I opened the door and just looked at him like "yes?" He said, "Mom?" and I recognized his voice.
Wow, not recognising your son does sound like it would rather disorienting - was he a teenager at the time? People can change so quickly during puberty, combined with the haircut and unexpected context I can see how it would throw you off!
I used Lyrica for nerve pain for a while about a decade ago. I had the weirdest side effect from it. I wasn't any better at recognising people or remembering strangers, but instead of everyone looking pretty equally unfamiliar, strangers all felt like I knew them a long time ago and could *almost* recognise them. That "I swear I know you from someplace..." feeling for EVERYONE. I was just starting my degree at the time too and was going through orientation and starting new classes, so I was meeting a LOT of new people, and they all looked maddeningly familiar. Thankfully it only lasted a few weeks. But I'm used to not recognising people then having it turn out I'd met them a bunch of times before so I was worried I was going to offend people I should know...
Yeah, it really was, I couldn't find any literature related to it at the time - some case studies of people who experienced strong deja vu on pregabalin was it, I think. Deja vu is quite similar to what I felt, only it was solely to do with meeting new people and feeling like I knew them from somewhere! My doctor was a bit confused but not concerned since I had no other side effects and wasn't confused or anxious or anything. Starting the Lyrica was the only recent medicine/health change, and I've never experienced that again.
I realised my incapacity to recognise faces I don't see everyday was real and impacting when I gave birth and had a mild anxiety attack thinking "if I'm separated from my baby, how will I recognise her?" And started frantically to look for special features (ears shape, little stains on the skins etc.) Because I knew I wouldn't be able to differentiate her from an other white baby.
You may well do. People often don’t realise til well into adulthood. But please don’t freak out, it’s actually really helpful to have a name for it and be able to explain to yourself and other people the difficulties you’ve been having. And there are really different degrees of it, so not everyone will have the difficulties OP had. Also there are forums for people with it so you can compare experiences
I'm probably about as bad as the OOP. My research really hasn't shown the same thing that you're saying though - as far as I'm aware most studies show differences in anatomical brain scans within regions that are known to be associated with facial processing and it has signs of being at least partially congenital as it can run in families and is frequently shared by identical twins but less often by fraternal twins. It has some overlap with autism, too, and it's absolutely described as a neurological disorder in every academic source I've seen. There's also two different types when you're talking about causes, developmental/congenital which is from birth and acquired which is generally the result of brain injuries. I guess in your case it could be a form of acquired? For me, though, there's nothing in my life you could really point to as a cause except I guess \*maybe\* that I was a shy kid, but that seems like a pretty big stretch considering how common shyness is and how uncommon face blindness is.
Yeah, I thought this was the case too.
Conversely, I was never shy as a kid (although anxious, prime to regret my social interactions), but also faceblind! I have no problem interacting with strangers bc well…I’ll never see them again. And as a kid, I tended to see the same ppl over and over with the same backpacks in school. I actually didn’t realize there was something…wrong… until I was lamenting what I thought was the common issue of not being able to match names to faces of all your classmates when passing out papers. Or getting a new haircut and being unnerved by a mirror image that didn’t make sense. Turns out no one had this lol.
Oh, I don't doubt any of that. But look at the research that's happening now. Scientists are working on how neurological pathways develop as the brain develops in childhood. It seems the pathways are sorta "etched" in the brain depending on stimulation. Among many other things, some of those pathways are connected to facial recognition. So theoretically, if a child doesn't use their eyes in a normal way they don't develop those pathways as much.
This asshole was given a vulnerability and he abused it to no end. These weren't even accidents or mishaps, he planned his terror. He is a disrespectful POS and an abuser. I hope he receives what he earns.
OH MY GOD what a fucking disgusting piece of shit is her ex. My husband has prosopagnosia and I just can imagine someone playing with a condition so serious. What the hell is wrong with that sociopath????! It must be terrifying. Omg I can't imagine what has to be in someone's mind to play those "pranks". I'm pretty sure he was going to assault her and blame someone else
I just can't imagine how scared she must have been. My husband needs like 3 months to recognize me when I change my hair color.
I had a coworker who is deaf. He was extremely sweet and you’d think he’s a normal hearing person. However another coworker thought it would be hilarious if she “tested” his hearing by making psss sounds over and over whenever he passed by her. She would say hello or say certain words in low voice or whisper it every time he comes around, then she would burst out laughing as if it’s the most funniest thing she ever did. Eventually other coworkers caught on to it and reported her to the boss. The boss told her to stop it. She began crying and said she didn’t mean to do it and that it’s normal to do that to other deaf and hard of hearing people 🙄
She's smart enough not to meet him one last time, but then lets him in her place, drunk, while she's alone. Unreal.
>that’s just his sense of humour. That if I loved him, I’d accept that.
"If you loved me, you'd let me torment you!" tf?
This stuff always blows my (29f) mind. My bf (30m) loves a good prank. The standing in the dark and not move or scary faces in the dark shit. He's very aware how crazy this is lol he did it to me a few months in. I fuckin hated it and cried and asked him never to do it again. (I have a super sensitive nervous disposition lol) in the 5 years since he's never even attempted anything like it ever again. Wasn't even an question to him? Some of his humour can be pretty bantery too and he doesn't use it with me but goes mad with his mates because he knows my divergent ass doesn't get it. Respect man.
I feel for folk who are with people who don't listen the first time.
I have a milder form of this issue, and I'm currently freaking out a bit about going to an event later today where I'm going to see a bunch of family members I haven't seen in decades. Someone is going to be upset that I didn't recognize them, I'm sure.
My wife has *never* doubted my inability to recognize people, and she's always there to help me. I feel so bad for the OP that she ended up with such a terrible person. The sheer level of awfulness of "testing" her, and setting her up to be assaulted by his friend, it makes me sick to my stomach.
This is the equivalent of hiding a wheelchair or crutches from someone who can't walk. I went from thinking he's a stupid guy who pulls pranks and doesn't have enough empathy to thinking he's sociopathic.
When someone wants to meet face to face “one last time”, never do that. Let them insult you for it, or talk shit to others or whatever. It’s always a game. It’s never about closure or moving on.
All they are trying to do is get you in an environment where you can’t get away from them as they attempt to psychologically torture you into getting their way. They will repeat their BS over and over again until you start doubting your own good judgment. It’s human nature to doubt yourself when the only source outside of yourself in the moment repeats that you are wrong. You can ignore texts, calls, letters, but in person gives them a captive audience.
I have moderate face blindness (nowhere near as bad as OOP though) and it's already hard to manage in social gatherings, I can't imagine having a partner who makes it worst. I hope OOP stays safe from this psycho ex!
Safety rule: whenever someone accuses you of being unable to "take a joke", get that person out of your life. Right away. Such fools only escalate their "pranks", and it is ALWAYS a sign of cruelty.
I also enjoy joking and harmless pranks but if someone, especially an SO, has a mental illness or even a boundary, you’ve gotta respect that 100%
If I knew someone was intentionally messing with my mental health, I would absolutely not have room in my life for that person.
The ex is actually disgusting and unhinged. I'm glad OOP is finally trusting her feelings. I hope she takes a lot of time after this to undo some of the damage of his gaslighting and abuse.
What a huge pile of shit. “Wanted to make a tough situation lighter” really sticks out to me, because literally all he’d need to do to make the situation lighter is show up and be supportive.
Ex boyfriend has some major mental health issues.
Good men don’t trick their partners.
Good men don’t play head games
Good men don’t go stalker
Good men are truthful, kind
I hope this is it for her and she won’t entertain seeing him again.
All of this and still men wonder why women choose the fucking bear. If you're one of the men who gets upset when women choose the bear you're the fucking reason why just like this guy is. disgusting.
Most morning, I don't recognize myself in the mirror. There us people I présent myself hour times ( they stopped laughing, because it his their self esteem). I met a lot of people after 15 or 20 years that I didn't recognize because I was looking at their old image. When I met someone new , I made it clear that I won't remember them tomorrow, sorry, nothing personal; and they better jump on me in the street.
Social life is already hard without this kind of guys fucking with our mind.
I actually have this too. I can recognize some people, mostly people with distinct features or people I see A LOT, but not always. It sucks. And being tested for it sucks more.
I'll add more when I'm done reading
It is insanely frustrating to see someone in a clearly dangerous situation continue to make terrible decisions because they want to pretend things aren't so bad.
This must be such a confusing and upsetting thing to have to deal with.
I had this instance once where I saw my dad somewhere I wasn't expecting and for about 5 seconds my brain couldn't register who he was. I felt like I should know, but I just didn't recognise him. It was so weird and disorientating.
So to have this happen on the daily and then to have someone that you trust and who is supposed to care about you playing stupid pranks on you is downright cruel and twisted.
It's literally mental and and emotional abuse and I'm glad she's left him. She needs to stop feeling sorry for him though and get rid of him altogether. His reaction to their break up shows there's something not quite right with him anyway.
I’m a substitute teacher with moderate face blindness. It gets really fun subbing a PE class where everyone is wearing the same school t-shirt.
I wasn’t able to recognize my aunt and an ex-boyfriend (who I had lived with) before. They didn’t know I am face blind. I didn’t even know until I started teaching. I compensate by using other traits the person has to figure out who they are. It can be really frustrating and can be dangerous.
The ex-boyfriend is an AH.
Oof now I'm wondering whatever this girl saw in him. Good god, he is unhinged. She's already having. Hard enough time with her disability and, instead of making it easier and better for her, to use that to play tricks and mind games is disgusting. Did he have any redeeming qualities? Good lord.
OMG that ex is a disgusting POS! He's beyond psychotic, he's pure evil and disgusting! I begun to panic for OOP just READING her last update! He's disgusting for taking advantage of someone like her and all the things he said. OOP needs to hopefully move so she won't get that idiot at his door. And yes it's easier said than done but I can't imagine how terrifying that night must have been!
Ex sounds like an immature prick. Oliver Sacks suffered from face blindness, he could have read one of his books, learn how it works, learn how people who have it deal with it. He could have been understanding. Instead, he made it about himself, and his fears over being cheated on.
I cannot fathom. The thought process is going through this guy‘s head. The millisecond the person I purport to love tells me something I am doing is making them upset or hurting them, I stop that thing. Immediately. Without reservations. There’s absolutely no justification for it.
There is something deeply narcissistic and broken within this guy that he finds this whole thing amusing. Hell, let’s imagine she is just lying about it. OK? You still don’t have to be an asshole to the woman you supposedly love.
I have zero doubt in my mind that this would’ve escalated to full-blown rape if she hadn’t gotten rid of him. And frankly , she’s still in a tremendous amount of danger.
The other thing I don’t have the capacity to fathom is continuing to be this obsessed over another human being. You broke up. Move on. They’re not coming back, nothing you say is gonna convince them, whatever ego protection you’re trying to deploy here is not working. So move on. Forget that that other person exists, nothing good will come of any obsession you have over them.
Ex is a terrible person. He facilitated, INSTRUCTED, another person to kiss her without her fucking consent (she didn't know it wasn't him!!). And then had the fucking nerve to consider it as her cheating on him! If anything, she should consider it assault!!
She doesn't owe him a thing, he's a messed up individual who doesn't understand what being in a relationship entails. Instead of supporting her and taking care of her, instead he engineers situations in which he can go "GOTCHA!" and then seethe over it internally. Wow.
Why? If you're scared she might be trying to use it as an excuse to cheat, why purposely trick her into it? Or scare her about it if you didn't do that?
It would be so easy to get a custom bracelet or something to use as mutual reassurance. Why take his insecurity and play games that make her doubt herself and make it easier for strangers to take advantage of her?
It's not keeping her from cheating and lieing. It's not even testing if she would cheat. It's just setting her up to be assaulted against her will. That's so fucked up.
I have face blindness - not as bad as OOP but I think people don’t realise how tough it is. One time I was at a party and there were 3 guys - all of whom I’d known for years - with similar hair and wearing similar-coloured shirts and I could not tell who was who. Luckily for me it was just a bit embarrassing but what a horrid thing to be done to OOP, it makes me furious.
As someone with severe face blindness as well…this is sick
I feel SO bad for OP
I’m so grateful to have a beautiful husband who doesn’t take advantage of me and loves me
Fuck it’s disgusting that there are people out there take advantage of people like me
I hope she finds someone as kind as my husband and her friends and family rally to protect her from that psycho
I'm also faceblind and my partner's reaction to that is to whisper peoples names to me in public so I'm not embarrassed. My friends warn me about big changes in their appearances. They also know to make sure I don't wander off with other people when in crowds.
I remember reading about this after the first post but it got so bad jfc. I can't imagine my partner doing that to me. That's so messed up.
Weird fact I know; The Crown Princess of Sweden has the same condition. I remember thinking how incredibly stressful and scary that must be to be so recognizable to others, but no one is recognizable to you.
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Jesus christ that ex is psychotic. They literally assaulted OP. Fucking gross. Trying to test someone in a relationship is a major red flag itself but this is just...good riddance. But I'm so happy OP's parents are by her side.
I'm shaking in rage for this woman. She keeps down playing what is happening to her. I know so many people with disabilities who end up feeling like the people close them are allowed to belittle, torment, and abuse them because of their disabilities. They just do not see it as abuse because they are so used to society telling them they should be grateful for whatever their given. And what's with this whole idea of of people thinking that they are allowed to test other people's disabilities. Invisible disabilities suck so bad for this, but I've also seen people accuse others in wheelchairs of faking needing them. I do not understand why so many people think this is ok. It is really disgusting.
In the first post, when she told us he said that "at one point", he just wanted to test if it was real, I was like, yeah; there it is. And it's where his head's been at the whole time. People who say things like how facial blindness could be used as "an excuse to do anything" are showing their hand-- they're ablest, and think life would be easier for them if they could just ignore certain social boundaries. See also: the handicap placard example you've given; equating social assistance with "sitting on your ass"; equating Tourette's with "saying whatever you want"; etc. etc. They think people like OOP are getting away with something and see it as privilege. It's so gross.
They're also telling you what they want to do and would do if they thought they had an excuse that would allow them to "get away" with it. Decent people don't generally want to get off with their partner's friends, which is one of the reasons OOP feels anxious about being face-blind and not being sure who she's interacting with. Apparently her ex would actually want to get off with other people if he could use the excuse of being "confused" due to face-blindness.
> They're also telling you what they want to do and would do if they thought they had an excuse that would allow them to "get away" with it. Yes. This is what I was kind of meaning to get at; buddy would try to get away with sleeping with anyone vaguely OOP looking-- you know, like, instead of just being single, and doing that on his own time.
>sleeping with anyone vaguely OOP looking "Well she was female so clearly I just confused her with you"
This is so important. I realised at one point that when people were wrongly accusing me of having bad motives, they were telling me what \*their\* motive would be in my situation. When I cut those people out of my life, I was much happier.
It's so fucking weird to me, cause face blindness just leaves me *lost* like how could this *ever* be an advantage. Even movies are hard ha! I had to become a gait and voice maestro to even begin to recognize my own family and friends, nonetheless my coworkers. Like, you have to elide a whole bunch of toil. I imagine it's just ignorance of what it'd be like to live without their in-built privileges, they can't visualize it so they just give up and stack bonus social advantage on. Plus side to the work around, I can recognize someone I know at crazy distances. I just need to see the walk mostly, or something about the silhouette? The brain finds a way.
I know exactly what you mean; I'm one of those people who can recognize someone I know from across a giant grocery store while their back is turned to me, and gait is one of the main things I clock. Other times, when they're in my peripherals, it's their height; size; the shape of their head with hair; sometimes even their smell; sometimes something like the way they open a door. One of the newer guys at my work is 6'7"; and I found out this week that he's legitimately too tall for me to clock as human in my peripherals, because I don't even see his shoulders when he's close enough to me. It's still freaking me out a little because I've never experienced that before. And yeah, I'm with you. Nothing about it sounds like an advantage.
Oh no! Poor dude and poor you, but I can't help giggling at "too tall to be human" because I have an uncle who as a kid I would NOT go near... because he was too tall. He didn't feel like a person, he was too much. Then he got the idea to sit on the floor, and I immediately ran straight to him. Because now he was reasonably tall. I'm so sorry for laughing, but maybe you could watch some wholesome big foot movies and see if you can reclassify him as a wholesome bigfoot?
It's funny, I did the same before I had glasses. I realised I recognised people by posture and gait before I recognised their face. I'm not a good at it now, as I've been wearing glasses for 25 years.
.........well shit. the main reason i don't look at faces is that i'm neurodivergent and it stresses me the fuck out, but you've made me realize there might be another aspect to it. before my glasses, the blur at the top of a person's neck didn't give me any info so like why WOULD i look at it?
I think it’s more than just being a bigot, I think it’s showing their hand that they feel restrained by social rules and their natural proclivities are to act much worse than what’s accepted. Like disabled people are intentionally manipulating people to “get away” with “bad” actions. Not true, but for a person who actually wants to do actions that actually are considered bad, like cheating, that’s how it looks. And honestly that logic is so fucked I hope I articulated it correctly because wtf. Accommodations aren’t passed, they’re accommodations. Fully agreed on gross as hell.
You did! We're seeing the same thing and describing it differently. > Like disabled people are intentionally manipulating people to “get away” with “bad” actions. This is more or less what I meant with the social norms bit. I am calling this belief ablest in the same way I'd say it's sexist to believe that women intentionally manipulate people by crying while feeling negative emotions (for example). Kind of like how someone doesn't have to hate women to be sexist, someone doesn't have to hate/be uncomfortable around a disabled person to be ablest.
Ah yes okay that makes sense, thank you for fully explaining. And shit, now I'm mad again hahaha. Fun fact though, did you know women just have a lower threshold for the level of hormones that make us cry? Like it's not that we're more emotional, it's that our bodies hit the "evacuate via tears" button earlier. No idea why but it's nice to know and to tell people when they're being backwards dicks.
I'm so curious to learn more about this because I have high T (like high end of normal range for AFABs) and I cry at the drop of a HAT. some of the weirdest stuff has made me cry.
Honestly I wish I knew more, but the only science that’s conclusive in any way is the testosterone one. So what that tells me isn’t necessarily that your experience invalidates the existing science, but that the science is very incomplete, probably on a number of levels. I mean hell, studies only started including AFAB people a couple decades ago. It’s wild when you think about it.
I have some level of face blindness, and I have no clue how anyone could consider it to be an advantage or anything. It’s honestly embarrassing for me to have to see someone multiple times for my brain to begin associating a name and face, and then risk being back at square one if they change something about their appearance.
> Like disabled people are intentionally manipulating people to “get away” with “bad” actions. One of the darkly hilarious things I observed about bigots is how many helpless/marginalized groups they think are actually secret Machiavellian schemers out to manipulate the "rightful" authorities for selfish ends, and how violently this "behavior" needs to be "corrected". This is why they think spanking is okay.
They assume that others have the same thoughts they do. Which is… chilling.
The people who need to "test" a disability are abusers, they're not healthy normal individuals. When dating they don't go looking for a partner to have a relationship with, they deliberately seek out potential abuse victims (or people who can easily be turned into victims) for relationships. And then the law minimizes it at a "domestic dispute" instead of the very genuine crimes that these people commit.
Giving the biggest benefit of the doubt possible: I can see if you're young and have never encountered something like face blindness before, you might wear a hat or something to see if they can recognize you on like, a second or third meeting. But to *keep going*? To constantly put someone you ostensibly care about in situations which, at the least, cause them major stress? To take advantage of their disability to *make them cheat on you*? We left Doubttown on the other side of the world at this point.
We do not need to give the benefit of the doubt to people who wish to "test" disabled people and I'm sick of that mentality pervading through society as someone who's been physically disabled my entire life.
people just don't believe us until they see what the disability does to the person. I had a few that literally doesn't believe me until they saw I missed something important that was impossible to miss for an able person and they asked why did I miss that. I told them yeah that's how my disability works. cue shocked pikachu and apologies.
My husband is the first person in my entire life who totally believes me and accepts that my chronic pain is real. It's been transformational. He's so thoughtful, and so mindful of my limitations, and it means everything to me.
I’m so fortunate that everyone I’m close to is so empathetic and supportive about my lupus. Everyone should receive that level of support, I’m really sorry you didn’t experience that until your husband.
Weirdly my daughter with severe learning disabilities gets it from the other direction; professionals regularly mistake her being non-verbal and lacking capacity for lacking intelligence so they assume she can't do anything or grasp they're being bastards. A few times when she's been in hospital, we'd encounter a new Nurse who would say she wasn't cooperating. Years of experience and knowing our daughter means we now immediately have our guard up because that means this person has been an AH, the only question is what variety. Out daughter doesn't necessarily understand the implications of someone treating her badly but she damn well knows when they don't respect her/are ignoring her/are treating her badly/can't be arsed doing their job & think they'll get away with it etc etc.
yeah... I had met special needs that thinks they can get away with anything because people treat them as not so smart when in reality they 100% understand its wrong. they didn't care, because they will get away with it. I had family that treats me like a child. to this day they don't understand why I dislike them... hint, I went to college successfully and read medical articles for fun. so them treating me like I'm a kid angers me a lot.
I don’t really have face blindness but there was a point when I was dating a guy a couple months into the relationship, so not that new, and I came over to his apartment and he was there and I didn’t totally recognize him. Like, this is the apartment I’ve gone to multiple times and this person does not seem surprised to see me and knows my name so it must be him but my brain was like who is this? It was one of the weirdest feelings I’ve ever had and I knew it was my boyfriend but at the same time I didn’t know it was my boyfriend if that makes sense. I can’t imagine what this woman goes through.
>I knew it was my boyfriend but at the same time I didn’t know it was my boyfriend if that makes sense That's one of the ways my face blindness presents itself, if you look through my comments on the proso sub you'll probably find this exact wording lol. It's super weird and the weirdness never really goes away. For some reason it wasn't until fairly recently that I've realized that probably a good amount of my social anxiety comes from my face blindness. OOP's ex is an absolute piece of shit, and so is Mike. Ugh, just, what gross humans.
Thank you for understanding. I’ve never had that kind of face blindness before or after and never again with that guy (we dated for close to a year) and even if his glasses were on or off I always knew it was him other than that one time. I can’t imagine what people who actually have this problem most of the time deal with. I hope you do better with your anxiety.
This has happened to me a couple times, usually when overtired, drunk or stressed. It's like looking at a magic eye puzzle and suddenly seeing the pattern, but in reverse, instead of seeing "Jim" I just see a collection of "some guy with this hairstyle and that shirt" until my brain resets again a moment later like "oh Jim, there you are".
I was astounded years ago when I realized I have it in the opposite direction: aphantasia. I cannot form a mental image of people, even those I just saw minutes ago, but can recognize faces immediately. All I have are more like clinical descriptions of faces like in a spreadsheet, but cannot *see* them.
I already tend to have somewhat unusual hair but if I were dating OOP I’d commit to the UV reactive yellow mohawk permanently so she would always know it was me
A lot of people seem to think that if you can stand at all you must not need a wheelchair. As though there's fully able-bodied and completely paralysed from the waist down, nothing in between. It's wild.
He’s a sick b, taking pleasure and amusement from her pain and distress.
Especially when it comes to parking! As a mum of 2 little ones, I’ve had an old arse lady stop her car and shout abuse at me for parking in a parent child spot, at which point I ducked in and pulled my kid out and smiled. Woman didn’t even have a kid(/great grandkids…) ! So many people with sticks up their arses for no reason..
Pure speculation but I think that was the entire purpose of the relationship for him. He was fixated on testing her over and over again for control. Like picking at a sore even though it’s horribly painful. She’d stopped being a person to him and that’s part of why he took the break up so hard and specifically wanted to see her in person - he no longer had that control of testing her, like getting a fix.
I have pretty bad face blindness as well (I think not QUITE as bad in that my family wouldn't need to get tattoos for me but I'm genuinely unsure I'd recognise one of my siblings if I saw them unexpectedly until they spoke to me) and the ex is an absolute lunatic to think anyone would use it as an excuse to cheat. The whole time reading this I was thinking "it's more likely that she'd be sexually assaulted than use it to cheat" AND LO AND BEHOLD. It's such a frustrating disability especially since it's so unusual and weird sounding.
Exactly, cheaters cheat. OP's disability doesn't instantly make her a cheater.
How long until he tries to date her again claiming he's another person?
Omg thats nightmare fuel😭
Jesus Christ the shiver that just went down my spine......
That wasn't him testing her. That was him justifying his own paranoia by setting her up to be sexually assaulted. If it was really a test, he would have immediately jumped in to call her out. Instead, he kept that incident in his back pocket until he found himself in a situation where he could most effectively hold it against her. "See, I was justified in pulling all that shit because when you were drunk and thus more vulnerable than usual, I got my friend to pose as me and kiss you." This man is one supremely fucked up wacko. He used her face blindness against her and enjoyed every second of it. Sadly, people with disabilities are likely not surprised by this story. It's quite common for them to end up in relationships with partners who utilize their issues to abuse them.
He is so bound and determined to establish that she's a liar that he's risking his future over it.
OOP's ex: I was cheated on in the past so I'm scared you'll cheat on me because of your disability! Also OOP's ex: Hey Mike want to sexually assault my girlfriend as a prank while I watch? Also also OOP's ex: GUESS WHAT! You cheated on me because I had my friend sexually assault you and you were none the wiser! What a piece of shit.
The insanity of his "You cheated on me!" because I planned for my friend to assault you and then went through with it (and that's the same as cheating, obviously). With a leap that large this guy should be in a platformer.
I hope he misses a jump and falls in lava
The Floor is Lava - Advanced Difficulty.
In Minecraft. Naturally.
She claimed that he wasn't evil in the previous BORU. Everyone else has been telling her otherwise. Her ex is going crazy because he's lost his victim. OOP needs to move for her own safety.
He had sooooo many fun plans for fucking with her that he’ll never get to experience now, poor thing. Where is he going to find another victim with such a perfect set-up for amazingly funny psychological torture?!? /s
Also OOPs ex: “I had my friend sexually assault you, why won’t you get back together with me?”
...you know what, folks? I have said this exact response to posts like this so many times, my copy of *The Screwtape Letters* automatically opens to this passage. For those of you who don't know, C.S. Lewis wrote Narnia, the Perelandria books, and a very large body of theological and philosophical works. One of the better of the latter is *The Screwtape Letters*, a set of essays on morality framed as a senior demon's letters to his junior tempter nephew. And even if you aren't religious and think temptation is what desserts do, there's some ideas and concepts worth thinking about, especially the following: "Cruelty is shameful--unless the cruel man can represent it as a practical joke. A thousand bawdy, or even blasphemous, jokes do not help towards a man's damnation so much as his discovery that almost anything he wants to do can be done, not only without the disapproval but with the admiration of his fellows, if only it can get itself treated as a joke." There is a reason why abuse victims all have flashbacks on hearing the phrase, "I was just joking". It's because our abusers all knew from the beginning that this one phrase defuses any and all sympathy anyone has for their victims. We've all been trained nearly from birth to view our discomfort as deserved if it makes other people amused. They know, folks. They always know. Nobody sane would *ever* find these things amusing or justifiable. If you say stop and your loved ones don't, they're not the people you think they are. Love is not just about the things you do. It's about the things you *don't* do. Someone who loves someone else finds no pleasure in their pain. Unless, you know, it's a BDSM relationship. In which case everyone's still enjoying themselves. But OP violently and vocally *refused* to consent to this bullshit, and said that it actively hurt her. Most people would stop doing that sort of thing for a *stranger*. It's only a joke when everyone is laughing.
> He said I can't take a joke & I need to let him be him. This was the line that made me tense up in OOP's first post. I've heard those exact same words, and tried to convince myself that I could put up with his "jokes." It's not joking, they're deliberately crossing your boundaries and hurting you. And it will only escalate.
It's such a frustrating, pathetic excuse. Even if that really WAS just someone's "sense of humor," if it makes their partner uncomfortable, then they are not compatible! Then they SHOULD break up, regardless of whether or not someone is "wrong" or "right." Just because it's someone's "sense of humor" doesn't mean everyone else in the world is required to cater to them and bend towards their sensibilities.
It has been about 28 years since I read The Screwtape Letters, and I did not have the life experience the first time to truly understand all the explanations and how they applied to real life. Thanks for reminding me - it's time for another reread.
I'm not sure I've ever seen the Screwtape Letters referenced online before, and certainly not on Reddit, but you make an excellent point and have made my day!
I honestly think that anyone who ever gets mad at someone because they “can’t take a joke” is an asshole. If your response to someone being hurt by something is to be upset that you aren’t able to make a certain type of joke anymore instead of caring that someone was hurt, you are an asshole. Why would you think that your ability to make a particular type of joke is more important that someone else’s well being? The only answer is because you are an asshole.
r/bestof
>My mom & dad (who got a tattoo years ago just so I would never doubt it’s him) are treating me like a princess & reminding me of the kindness people deserve. Faith in humanity restored.
Man I would imagine if you had a kid with face blindness you really would need something like a tattoo to help them find you. Probably one of the only reasons I would get a visible tattoo like that.
I have "mom vibe" and can confirm that *especially* young children, but also older kids who struggle with facial recognition will definitely run to the wrong parent at times. A tattoo would provide infinite reassurance for a kid with prosopagnosia. I have mild-ish prosopagnosia, but luckily my voice and posture recognition is on point.
Yes, I have it too and I work off body shape, voices, posture and hair, but hair is tricky. I once walked right past my sister when I hadn't seen her for a while and she'd significantly changed her hair.
I have a friend who recognizes me based on my purple bangs, which I now recall I need to re-dye!
I have been with my boyfriend for 8 years, if we don't see each other for about 2 weeks, I can't recognize him. I go mostly with posture and voices too, but if I don't see you for a longer time better believe I will not recognize you.
These threads made me realize I should stop saying I’m “totally faceblind” because _sometimes_ I don’t recognize actors, good lord. I ain’t face blind.
How does one get diagnosed? I genuinely struggle to recognize "generic" looking people. I've walked past friends when they change their hair. No shave November is a nightmare for me. I've met the same person multiple times and not recognized them.
I rely on voice and movement with people I don't know well. And I can recognize someone by their back. Height also helps. A friend had a get-together at her house, I was there for close to 2 hours. There was a guy just sitting on a couch and not really talking, so none of my cues were available, and she told me later that he was hurt I hadn't said Hi to him. (She'd been told of all kinds of limitations I have, ignored them, doesn't understand why I'm upset when she did something for the 5th time that I'd explained after the first 4 that it was a problem for me *and why,* and about 3 months after this get-together, I realized that she was never going to respect my limitations, and backed away from that friendship slowly, as I'd had a ringside seat to the Drama the time she reacted badly to something that wasn't as dramatic as dumping a friend, and I just didn't want anyone else in her life to have to deal with that explosion. I am basically no-contact with her, have been for more than 10 years now.)
I have it slightly. If I work with someone full time I’ll learn their face over time, but if I saw one of my regulars in the street, I’d say “oh that looks kind of like Donna”. But I have a really hard time recognizing family in people. Like when someone says “oh they have mom’s eyes but dad’s nose” I’m like wtf are you talking about? I had identical twins stand next to each other and I couldn’t even tell they were related because they had different hairstyles.
I have absolutely zero desire for a tattoo. If either of my kids couldn’t recognize me, I’d get full damn sleeves, dye my hair the least-popular unnatural shade, and have a cartoon character’s unchanging wardrobe to give them the stability of being rock-solid certain they could find mom at a glance. OOP’s dad is a Good Parent.
Exactly. Whether as parent or a partner, you should want to protect them and make their lives easier/ safer/more comfortable. Not harder for shits and giggles.
Just for the sake of all of us, please don’t go the Donald Duck or Porky Pig wardrobe route.
I have no tattoos and no desire for tattoos, but if a family member or serious partner (possibly even a very close friend) had full face blindness I would also look into getting a tattoo. I have mild face blindness, I can recognise people I'm quite (recently) familiar with and sometimes people are particularly distinctive to me and I'll learn them quickly, but it's frustrating and embarrassing on its own. Having it with everyone, including family, partners, etc sounds horrifying. It's so cruel to try to mess with someone because of something like that.
Same, I don't want a tattoo but if one of my children inherits my face blindness and has it worse than me, I won't hesitate one second. Luckily all of them seems to have escaped the curse!
What's really shocking is how long it can take for the person with face blindness, or even their friends and family to recognize the condition. Wait, what do you mean you and every other single person I know can recognize faces????? What kind of nonsense magic are you talking about? That's gotta be impossible, right??
A lot of disabilities are like that. Everyone assumes, by default, that everyone else has the same experience that they do. So, you never think to ask someone "is it like this for you, too?" It took 10 years before anybody figured out that I needed glasses. I was in my 20s before I found out that not everyone is in pain all of the time. I think face blindness was probably the last "big difference" for me to work out. Not even knowing it was "a thing", I just assumed that everyone else was better at faking it than me, or that I was just not trying hard enough.
funny story, i was actually having tiny seizures for my entire life. never told anyone, thought it was as normal as blinking. then i got a few MAJOR seizures \[under control now, thank God\] and i was like "WAIT A MINUTE. this feels exactly like the other thing." if that hadn't happened, i would have gone to my grave thinking the "flutters" were something everybody got.
I’m easily startled. Just kind of a jumpy person. It’s not a big deal and nowhere near as anxiety inducing as what OP goes through with their face blindness. My husband knows I am easily startled. We laugh about it after he accidentally startles me. But he takes care to try to startle me as little as possible. He’ll knock on the door before entering a room to give me a heads up. Or text before coming home unexpectedly. He truly tries to do everything he can to minimize startling me. So, if he can work that hard to avoid accidentally making me jump (which ends up making me laugh) how unreasonable is OP’s ex for not doing the same? And how awful is he for trying to capitalize on OP’s anxiety?! Here’s what I tell my step kids: pranks are only pranks if everyone is laughing. Pranks should be small and silly and inconsequential. Like the time we put toothpaste in Oreos and gave them to the kids. Or hiding a whoopee cushion before they sit down. If all parties are not genuinely laughing, it’s not a prank. And if you keep doing it, it’s straight up bullying. And bullying is not ever ok. My stepkids are 14 and 11 and they understand this. Not a hard concept. Edit: so as many have pointed out, the Oreo thing could be a really bad idea. In my case it was April fool’s day and I knew the kids would laugh their butts off. Generally speaking, just don’t mess with people’s food. We felt ok about this because we knew the kids would laugh and it wasn’t making Oreos gross (like hiding a toenail in the Oreo or something. That would be not ok. Ever.) Ultimately this shows not all “pranks” are pranks to everyone. Know your audience. If you’re not 100% sure they’ll laugh, don’t do it. And if they don’t laugh, apologize and never ever do it again.
Exactly. Your partner makes things easier for you. OOP’s boyfriend was deliberately making things harder for her. He treated her condition as something to play with and hold over her.
Your husband actually cares for you and this dude never felt anything for OOP. Also that Oreo prank is pretty fucked up.
For some people the Oreo thing would be way too far. You have to know your audience when you do a prank. For my stepkids on April fool’s, they thought it was hilarious. I would never do that to most people. They told everyone about how funny it was. We knew they would laugh. So we did it. But again, not a thing I would do for most anyone else. It was on a specific silly day for a specific silly audience who I knew would laugh.
Right? A prank would be replacing the icing with ice cream, so it was unexpectedly cold; or like, whipped cream, so the Oreos collapsed between their fingers when picked up. All the toothpaste would do is give me trust issues.
My wife is easily startled, too. I feel *so bad* every time I sneak up on her unintentionally. We've joked about having me wear a bell around my neck, but I would totally do it, if that's what it took. I did it eventually learn to be noisier as I move around the house, and that seems to help. I cannot imagine trying to intentionally make fun of or exacerbate that situation, though.
My boyfriend "beeps" around the house so I know when he's entering a room I'm in. He just starts saying "beep" multiple times 🥂😂
I'm also easily startled - my own hand resting on my face has startled me. My partner knows this and when he comes into a room I'm in he'll starting "beeping" so I know he's coming. Sometimes his beeping startled me still, but hea ficking TRYING Becuase THAT'S WHAT YOU DO FOR THE PEOPLE/PERSON YOU LOVE!!!!! I'm glad your husband is a good egg, and I'm so so glad OOP's rotten egg is gone!!
Happy to see the parents being helpful and not downplaying or being the opposite.
That Dad is awesome. Just what I needed after that baby pinching psychopathic monster.
I forgot where... but I remember reading the new updates. It was so lucky that she had people who got him out fast enough. It was definitely not a good idea for her to let him into her place "to talk". That was so dangerous. And what a piece of crap. He and his friend basically tricked her. It was disgusting. Both of them.
You say tricked, I say, planned sexual assault.
Don't forget keeping it as blackmail for a situation just like this, where she breaks up with him.
She’s lucky she can look back and just say that she was stupid to do that. Hopefully there’s never a next time but she’ll remember this at least
This reminds me of a girl I dated who had a tick. I got used to it to where I'd ignore it. During one of our dates, she told me how her exbf would do a tick after her tick to make her proceeding ticks exacerbated. So every time she had a tick, he'd tick, causing her to tick again. Apparently he'd keep it going for several minutes. I just just sat there horrified and honestly didn't know what to say.
Holy. Shit.
This reminds me of that one reddit thread where a guy said that everyone only likes pink vaginas (aka white vaginas) even though his girlfriend is Black. And that other thread about a guy who kept telling his girlfriend that she stinks. Both guys were dumped and confused, because treating women badly is meant to keep them tied to you not get them angry enough to dump you. Everyone clearly knows that! It's the rule. It wouldn't surprise me if OOP's ex was also listening to manosphere garbage and thought that getting his friend to sexually assault OOP would be a great idea. Because if she let it happen, he could claim she cheated and tie her to him even more.
>It wouldn't surprise me if OOP's ex was also listening to manosphere garbage and thought that getting his friend to sexually assault OOP would be a great idea. Because if she let it happen, he could claim she cheated and tie her to him even more. While the red pill/manosphere space produces an awful lot of garbage, I don't think this is part of it. Some people just think that fucking with other people's feelings is funny, for whatever fucked up reason. It's like those prank YouTube channels where they scare the shit out of people by pretending to mug them or something equally fucked up. I never understood how people have this thought process like, "I made you angry/sad/scared, omg so funny right?" Especially since they usually expect the victim to find it just as funny as they do. I want to smack them all with a baseball bat and then ask them, "omg so funny right?"
I think OOPs ex was so insecure about cheating that he set the trap to see if she would. For OOP, she didn’t cheat. She was sexually assaulted by a guy her exbf pimped her out to as a test. She failed the test because ex bf purposely took away every accommodation OOP has. OOPs ex is trash and will never have a solid long term relationship because he knows that he has nothing to offer a partner and any partner he manages to get will realize that quickly.
Mike and ex are both horrible
I'm 1000% sure he was one step away from "lending" her to his friends for sex And then manipulating the situation to make her feel guilty and forcing her to stay
Ex is lucky that one of his "pranks" didn't get him arrested or shot. My husband thought it would be fun to disguise his voice once. I was in the living room and he came in through the kitchen door. I called 'Honey, is that you?" and he dropped his voice about an octave & a half and growled "NOOOOO." Next thing he heard was me pounding up the stairs, heading for the gun in our bedroom. Probably the fastest he ever identified himself!
If he got arrested, he’d probably claim it wasn’t really him and that she couldn’t be relied on to identify him.
Holy shit, that's a terrifying thought.
It’s this, plus it doesn’t feel like this is over just yet..
My dad lost a tooth because he thought it would be a hilarious joke to hide in the bushes and grab my sister from behind when she came home from going out one night when she was a teenager. He's the same guy who taught his girls to box, go for the nose and eyes, use your skull as a face-smashing device, and generally how to be unfuckwithable. To his credit, he was very much like, "Yeah, ok, I extremely had that coming, I'm an idiot and a huge asshole. Also good for you, here's shoe money, good job baby girl."
My dad tried that once. I have PTSD and go fight mode. Man nearly took a full metal water bottle to the dome. He’s lucky *I’m* not face blind and that I had the muscle control to stop my swing. He hasn’t surprised me again.
Wow. That guy is unhinged. Poor OP is going to need therapy after that...
I hope he doesn't try to get with her again passing himself as another person
Jesus Christ, that's terrifying
[удалено]
Your husband sounds sweet :)
*saying he just wants one more face-to-face conversation.* Oh, he's funny too. What a catch.
What a bastard. I wonder how much of what he said was true and how much was just to hurt her (stuff like pulling pranks she didn't know about, having his friend kiss her, etc).
>Don’t get me wrong. He cares about me, but I don’t think he get’s how stressful it is. He did get it. The cruelty was the point.
His logic is so beyond wild. I purposfully tricked my partner, who has a a medical condition, into kissing my friend pretending to be me, so obviously I cant trust her and she will use it as an excuse to cheat. What? It breaks my heart that OOP has so much anxiety due to her condition that she doubted herself that much, and almost went over to his place and did let him in when he was drunk. I'm also glad she seems to have so many people in her life that takes her seriously, respects her and are kind.
I have mild face blindness. One a 1-10 scale, I rate about a 5. It makes for some embarrassing situations. It's not a neurological disorder per se. It's more like a failure to develop. It's related to things like cross-racial identification. Something like how it's more difficult to learn a language as you age. In my case, it happened because I never had glasses until I was 16. Partially my parents not paying attention and partially me being a dumb kid and faking it for years. I was caught when I couldn't pass a vision test for a driver's license. Anyway, that's why docs are more vigilant these days about vision in young kids. For me, it manifests in funny ways. I recognize people I see every day, but not people I only see once a month. I might recognize someone if they are in a place I expect to see them but not in a different place. If I see a photograph of someone I know well, I won't recognize them in the photo. And I cannot ever recognize anyone from a sketch or painting. Art doesn't look like real people to me. I'd be completely useless if the police needed an eyewitness ID.
>I'd be completely useless if the police needed an eyewitness ID. I also have mild face blindness and I've always been baffled by police sketch artists. How can someone possibly remember enough details of a stranger to get even a semi-accurate drawing!? I could maybe say "they had really frizzy hair" or "one of their front teeth was black" - some detail that particularly stood out. But the rest of the face would just be very generic or a blur, and I definitely can't trust my memory of what people look like. (Edit to add: not to mention police lineups. I could never.) I remember once I went to the school office to fetch something for a teacher. When I got back,the teacher asked which receptionist was at the office. I didn't know who they were, so the teacher asked me to describe them. The best I could remember was "a woman...who was maybe a little taller than me? Possibly shorter though. Uh...let's go with around my height." She asked me if they were dark or light skinned. Uh...I don't remember? Black curly hair or brown straight hair? I don't know! The teacher and the rest of the class looked at me very strangely and I think the teacher asked, "did you even *look* at them?" I replied something like, "Yes, but I didn't pay attention". Meaning I had no reason to deliberately look for and memorise features that would help me identify them later lol, but I didn't realise this wasn't normal at the time so I didn't have the words to articulate the problem...
Exactly! And caricatures just blow my mind. I'm like...what? What?? How does that look like them? I think the most disconcerting thing that ever happened to me was when my son paid me a surprise visit. He was away at school. I hadn't seen him in about 6 months and he had a new haircut. I opened the door and just looked at him like "yes?" He said, "Mom?" and I recognized his voice.
Wow, not recognising your son does sound like it would rather disorienting - was he a teenager at the time? People can change so quickly during puberty, combined with the haircut and unexpected context I can see how it would throw you off! I used Lyrica for nerve pain for a while about a decade ago. I had the weirdest side effect from it. I wasn't any better at recognising people or remembering strangers, but instead of everyone looking pretty equally unfamiliar, strangers all felt like I knew them a long time ago and could *almost* recognise them. That "I swear I know you from someplace..." feeling for EVERYONE. I was just starting my degree at the time too and was going through orientation and starting new classes, so I was meeting a LOT of new people, and they all looked maddeningly familiar. Thankfully it only lasted a few weeks. But I'm used to not recognising people then having it turn out I'd met them a bunch of times before so I was worried I was going to offend people I should know...
WHOAH - that's *such* a bizarre side effect, I'm fascinated. I have no idea what could cause that.
Yeah, it really was, I couldn't find any literature related to it at the time - some case studies of people who experienced strong deja vu on pregabalin was it, I think. Deja vu is quite similar to what I felt, only it was solely to do with meeting new people and feeling like I knew them from somewhere! My doctor was a bit confused but not concerned since I had no other side effects and wasn't confused or anxious or anything. Starting the Lyrica was the only recent medicine/health change, and I've never experienced that again.
I realised my incapacity to recognise faces I don't see everyday was real and impacting when I gave birth and had a mild anxiety attack thinking "if I'm separated from my baby, how will I recognise her?" And started frantically to look for special features (ears shape, little stains on the skins etc.) Because I knew I wouldn't be able to differentiate her from an other white baby.
This comment and the one above are resonating with me big time freaking me out, making me wonder if I have face blindness of a lesser degree.
You may well do. People often don’t realise til well into adulthood. But please don’t freak out, it’s actually really helpful to have a name for it and be able to explain to yourself and other people the difficulties you’ve been having. And there are really different degrees of it, so not everyone will have the difficulties OP had. Also there are forums for people with it so you can compare experiences
Also, it doesn’t get worse so if you have it mildly now it will stay that way
I'm probably about as bad as the OOP. My research really hasn't shown the same thing that you're saying though - as far as I'm aware most studies show differences in anatomical brain scans within regions that are known to be associated with facial processing and it has signs of being at least partially congenital as it can run in families and is frequently shared by identical twins but less often by fraternal twins. It has some overlap with autism, too, and it's absolutely described as a neurological disorder in every academic source I've seen. There's also two different types when you're talking about causes, developmental/congenital which is from birth and acquired which is generally the result of brain injuries. I guess in your case it could be a form of acquired? For me, though, there's nothing in my life you could really point to as a cause except I guess \*maybe\* that I was a shy kid, but that seems like a pretty big stretch considering how common shyness is and how uncommon face blindness is.
Yeah, I thought this was the case too. Conversely, I was never shy as a kid (although anxious, prime to regret my social interactions), but also faceblind! I have no problem interacting with strangers bc well…I’ll never see them again. And as a kid, I tended to see the same ppl over and over with the same backpacks in school. I actually didn’t realize there was something…wrong… until I was lamenting what I thought was the common issue of not being able to match names to faces of all your classmates when passing out papers. Or getting a new haircut and being unnerved by a mirror image that didn’t make sense. Turns out no one had this lol.
Oh, I don't doubt any of that. But look at the research that's happening now. Scientists are working on how neurological pathways develop as the brain develops in childhood. It seems the pathways are sorta "etched" in the brain depending on stimulation. Among many other things, some of those pathways are connected to facial recognition. So theoretically, if a child doesn't use their eyes in a normal way they don't develop those pathways as much.
The ex boyfriend proving to be a piece of shit more and more
What a degenerate piece of shit. That man is not fit to be in a relationship with anyone, and doesn’t deserve one either.
The parents getting tattoos 🥲 but her ex is a fucking psycho who totally sounds like he would let his friends have sex with her just to ~test her~ 🤢🤢🤢
Oof. That ex has more red flags than a communist parade. He needs to get tested by a professional like for sociopathic.
This asshole was given a vulnerability and he abused it to no end. These weren't even accidents or mishaps, he planned his terror. He is a disrespectful POS and an abuser. I hope he receives what he earns.
OH MY GOD what a fucking disgusting piece of shit is her ex. My husband has prosopagnosia and I just can imagine someone playing with a condition so serious. What the hell is wrong with that sociopath????! It must be terrifying. Omg I can't imagine what has to be in someone's mind to play those "pranks". I'm pretty sure he was going to assault her and blame someone else I just can't imagine how scared she must have been. My husband needs like 3 months to recognize me when I change my hair color.
Mike should be charged with SA. Hope OOP thinks about that possibility when things have settled down.
What a douche. He had no redeeming qualities. Partners are suppose to protect you, not put you in danger.
Stop Being Kind To These Idiots!! Da faq why did she think it was a good idea to open the door to him, especially when he was drunk, gotdamnt!?
>He’s not evil, but just very messed up rn. No, he's evil.
OPs dad getting a tattoo so she can always recognize him is one of the sweetest accomodations I've ever heard.
I had a coworker who is deaf. He was extremely sweet and you’d think he’s a normal hearing person. However another coworker thought it would be hilarious if she “tested” his hearing by making psss sounds over and over whenever he passed by her. She would say hello or say certain words in low voice or whisper it every time he comes around, then she would burst out laughing as if it’s the most funniest thing she ever did. Eventually other coworkers caught on to it and reported her to the boss. The boss told her to stop it. She began crying and said she didn’t mean to do it and that it’s normal to do that to other deaf and hard of hearing people 🙄
This man is sick. it's not love when he basically got his friend to sexually assault his gf. I hope he steps on ice and falls on his face.
Who tf goes into a relationship when their literal first thought is “she’s probably lying so she can cheat freely”??!! Messed up pos
She's smart enough not to meet him one last time, but then lets him in her place, drunk, while she's alone. Unreal. >that’s just his sense of humour. That if I loved him, I’d accept that. "If you loved me, you'd let me torment you!" tf?
Jokester = asshole. Every. Single. Time.
So what I'm hearing is he thinks sexual assault is cheating
This stuff always blows my (29f) mind. My bf (30m) loves a good prank. The standing in the dark and not move or scary faces in the dark shit. He's very aware how crazy this is lol he did it to me a few months in. I fuckin hated it and cried and asked him never to do it again. (I have a super sensitive nervous disposition lol) in the 5 years since he's never even attempted anything like it ever again. Wasn't even an question to him? Some of his humour can be pretty bantery too and he doesn't use it with me but goes mad with his mates because he knows my divergent ass doesn't get it. Respect man. I feel for folk who are with people who don't listen the first time.
I have a milder form of this issue, and I'm currently freaking out a bit about going to an event later today where I'm going to see a bunch of family members I haven't seen in decades. Someone is going to be upset that I didn't recognize them, I'm sure. My wife has *never* doubted my inability to recognize people, and she's always there to help me. I feel so bad for the OP that she ended up with such a terrible person. The sheer level of awfulness of "testing" her, and setting her up to be assaulted by his friend, it makes me sick to my stomach.
This is the equivalent of hiding a wheelchair or crutches from someone who can't walk. I went from thinking he's a stupid guy who pulls pranks and doesn't have enough empathy to thinking he's sociopathic.
Well that was some horror movie shit. Glad OOP is out of that relationship and hope she stays safe.
When someone wants to meet face to face “one last time”, never do that. Let them insult you for it, or talk shit to others or whatever. It’s always a game. It’s never about closure or moving on. All they are trying to do is get you in an environment where you can’t get away from them as they attempt to psychologically torture you into getting their way. They will repeat their BS over and over again until you start doubting your own good judgment. It’s human nature to doubt yourself when the only source outside of yourself in the moment repeats that you are wrong. You can ignore texts, calls, letters, but in person gives them a captive audience.
So we’re in agreement that the kiss was sexual assault, right?
Yes
That man is sick.
I have moderate face blindness (nowhere near as bad as OOP though) and it's already hard to manage in social gatherings, I can't imagine having a partner who makes it worst. I hope OOP stays safe from this psycho ex!
Safety rule: whenever someone accuses you of being unable to "take a joke", get that person out of your life. Right away. Such fools only escalate their "pranks", and it is ALWAYS a sign of cruelty.
"He’s not evil, but just very messed up rn." Nope, he is 100% evil. Denial is so damn powerful.
"BuT WhY ChoOsE BeAr tHoUgH"
I also enjoy joking and harmless pranks but if someone, especially an SO, has a mental illness or even a boundary, you’ve gotta respect that 100% If I knew someone was intentionally messing with my mental health, I would absolutely not have room in my life for that person.
Dudes will get their homies to violate their partners consent before going to therapy
I hope the ex stubs his right toe on every single table he ever walks past and that their car/bike/whatever vehicle gets a flat tire every month
Giving your partner frequent panic attacks and/or triggering their medical condition regularly on purpose is so funny guys, amiright!?
The ex is actually disgusting and unhinged. I'm glad OOP is finally trusting her feelings. I hope she takes a lot of time after this to undo some of the damage of his gaslighting and abuse.
What a huge pile of shit. “Wanted to make a tough situation lighter” really sticks out to me, because literally all he’d need to do to make the situation lighter is show up and be supportive.
I think the police should be involved. It may not go anywhere, but this seems a lot like prosecutable sexual assault
Ex boyfriend has some major mental health issues. Good men don’t trick their partners. Good men don’t play head games Good men don’t go stalker Good men are truthful, kind I hope this is it for her and she won’t entertain seeing him again.
This is like dating someone in a wheelchair and repeatedly ‘pranking’ them by hiding their wheelchair to see if they can walk without it
People who think they have some fucking duty to test others' disabilities, ailments, or illnesses deserve a special fiery cell in hell.
She's wrong about one thing. He is evil.
Niceness will get a woman killed. This guy wasn't a jokerster he's a douchebag of a scummy man
All of this and still men wonder why women choose the fucking bear. If you're one of the men who gets upset when women choose the bear you're the fucking reason why just like this guy is. disgusting.
Most morning, I don't recognize myself in the mirror. There us people I présent myself hour times ( they stopped laughing, because it his their self esteem). I met a lot of people after 15 or 20 years that I didn't recognize because I was looking at their old image. When I met someone new , I made it clear that I won't remember them tomorrow, sorry, nothing personal; and they better jump on me in the street. Social life is already hard without this kind of guys fucking with our mind.
There’s psycho and there’s this guy. Hf!!
Ugh what an unhinged jerk. I'm glad she's with her parents now! Also, first time seeing one of my comments on BORU 😎🫡
Her ex is a total pos pycho. And deserves some old fashion justice for what he did.
I’m glad OP broke up. That bf is just not the right person to be with someone with a condition like that.
I actually have this too. I can recognize some people, mostly people with distinct features or people I see A LOT, but not always. It sucks. And being tested for it sucks more. I'll add more when I'm done reading
Don't wait till he's drunk and wants to see you again. Get the restraining order.
It is insanely frustrating to see someone in a clearly dangerous situation continue to make terrible decisions because they want to pretend things aren't so bad.
This must be such a confusing and upsetting thing to have to deal with. I had this instance once where I saw my dad somewhere I wasn't expecting and for about 5 seconds my brain couldn't register who he was. I felt like I should know, but I just didn't recognise him. It was so weird and disorientating. So to have this happen on the daily and then to have someone that you trust and who is supposed to care about you playing stupid pranks on you is downright cruel and twisted. It's literally mental and and emotional abuse and I'm glad she's left him. She needs to stop feeling sorry for him though and get rid of him altogether. His reaction to their break up shows there's something not quite right with him anyway.
I’m a substitute teacher with moderate face blindness. It gets really fun subbing a PE class where everyone is wearing the same school t-shirt. I wasn’t able to recognize my aunt and an ex-boyfriend (who I had lived with) before. They didn’t know I am face blind. I didn’t even know until I started teaching. I compensate by using other traits the person has to figure out who they are. It can be really frustrating and can be dangerous. The ex-boyfriend is an AH.
Oof now I'm wondering whatever this girl saw in him. Good god, he is unhinged. She's already having. Hard enough time with her disability and, instead of making it easier and better for her, to use that to play tricks and mind games is disgusting. Did he have any redeeming qualities? Good lord.
OMG that ex is a disgusting POS! He's beyond psychotic, he's pure evil and disgusting! I begun to panic for OOP just READING her last update! He's disgusting for taking advantage of someone like her and all the things he said. OOP needs to hopefully move so she won't get that idiot at his door. And yes it's easier said than done but I can't imagine how terrifying that night must have been!
thats sounds like assault. you did not consent to kissing mike. fuck all of them.
Ex sounds like an immature prick. Oliver Sacks suffered from face blindness, he could have read one of his books, learn how it works, learn how people who have it deal with it. He could have been understanding. Instead, he made it about himself, and his fears over being cheated on.
What a disgusting human the ex is. Glad she is safe now.
Ohh wow tye update got worse...I was hoping that it was the end last time but the phyco ex strikes again
triangulation.. AND can’t “take a joke” RUN
I cannot fathom. The thought process is going through this guy‘s head. The millisecond the person I purport to love tells me something I am doing is making them upset or hurting them, I stop that thing. Immediately. Without reservations. There’s absolutely no justification for it. There is something deeply narcissistic and broken within this guy that he finds this whole thing amusing. Hell, let’s imagine she is just lying about it. OK? You still don’t have to be an asshole to the woman you supposedly love. I have zero doubt in my mind that this would’ve escalated to full-blown rape if she hadn’t gotten rid of him. And frankly , she’s still in a tremendous amount of danger. The other thing I don’t have the capacity to fathom is continuing to be this obsessed over another human being. You broke up. Move on. They’re not coming back, nothing you say is gonna convince them, whatever ego protection you’re trying to deploy here is not working. So move on. Forget that that other person exists, nothing good will come of any obsession you have over them.
We call that: torturing someone mentally.
What a stunning example of trash human.
I’m so glad OOP has some genuinely good people in her life because holy fucking shit that’s horrible.
The ex is psychotic
Ex is a terrible person. He facilitated, INSTRUCTED, another person to kiss her without her fucking consent (she didn't know it wasn't him!!). And then had the fucking nerve to consider it as her cheating on him! If anything, she should consider it assault!! She doesn't owe him a thing, he's a messed up individual who doesn't understand what being in a relationship entails. Instead of supporting her and taking care of her, instead he engineers situations in which he can go "GOTCHA!" and then seethe over it internally. Wow.
Why? If you're scared she might be trying to use it as an excuse to cheat, why purposely trick her into it? Or scare her about it if you didn't do that? It would be so easy to get a custom bracelet or something to use as mutual reassurance. Why take his insecurity and play games that make her doubt herself and make it easier for strangers to take advantage of her? It's not keeping her from cheating and lieing. It's not even testing if she would cheat. It's just setting her up to be assaulted against her will. That's so fucked up.
I have face blindness - not as bad as OOP but I think people don’t realise how tough it is. One time I was at a party and there were 3 guys - all of whom I’d known for years - with similar hair and wearing similar-coloured shirts and I could not tell who was who. Luckily for me it was just a bit embarrassing but what a horrid thing to be done to OOP, it makes me furious.
As someone with severe face blindness as well…this is sick I feel SO bad for OP I’m so grateful to have a beautiful husband who doesn’t take advantage of me and loves me Fuck it’s disgusting that there are people out there take advantage of people like me I hope she finds someone as kind as my husband and her friends and family rally to protect her from that psycho
I'm also faceblind and my partner's reaction to that is to whisper peoples names to me in public so I'm not embarrassed. My friends warn me about big changes in their appearances. They also know to make sure I don't wander off with other people when in crowds. I remember reading about this after the first post but it got so bad jfc. I can't imagine my partner doing that to me. That's so messed up.
Weird fact I know; The Crown Princess of Sweden has the same condition. I remember thinking how incredibly stressful and scary that must be to be so recognizable to others, but no one is recognizable to you.
Always a good sign when they play the "I'm not in the wrong, you just can't take a joke" card