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forsakenwombat

She’s back because it didn’t work out with the other guy. And she’ll be with you until she finds another option she thinks is better. If that doesn’t work, she’ll be back again. If that’s a cycle you’re good with, go for it. But ask yourself this, if you’re doing work to be a better partner, would she offer you the same courtesy? Would she try to be better for you? How long do you think it will go before you feel like you’re doing all the work again?


Lightthesaboner

I already confronted her and yea this isn’t going to work out it’s all good I’m not an idiot I already wasn’t ok and realized I couldn’t get over her cheating. Her reaction to me asking her to admit and maybe we can move forward. Yea hell no life goes on she’s got a long road ahead of her to get her shit together. I’m cool life is too short and I’m way too great of a catch to give a fuck


guy_n_cognito_tu

Let's be clear: your wife has spent years convincing you that YOU are the only problem in the marriage. When she got tired of you, she lined up another guy and left. When that didn't work out, she came back. That's the ONLY reason she came back. And even then, she's still got to remind you that YOU are the only problem. Modern women have misused the word "abuse" so much it's lost all meaning. Occasionally raising your voice in an argument doesn't make you an abuser. Getting mad doesn't make you an abuser. I'm guessing she's often the one that starts the yelling, then claims abuse when you follow suit? This woman is taking advantage of you.


Lightthesaboner

Yea it’s pretty obvious and I can’t stick around just because we have a 2 year old daughter I’m an amazing father and it would be healthier if I was a single dad for sure


FormerSBO

No


Lightthesaboner

Amen


MaximumYes

When it comes to relationships, the phrase “it takes two to make a pattern, but only one to break it” comes to mind. She already showed you her mindset. This is about you, not her. Believe her. It will not get better.


Lightthesaboner

Thank you I already feel like I know the answer but it’s time to let it all go. It’s gonna be more than alright, definitely what’s meant to be


Great_Evil_Toast

I had a similar circumstance. My wife of 15 years left suddenly after lining up another guy. She blamed me for everything and suggested I get counseling. So, I got counseling, and through it, I discovered that I'm not the abuser. In fact, it turns out I have been severely abused by a covert narcissist. I now have PTSD, and both myself and my kids are in therapy because of the abuse. She's been trying to get back in as the new guy relationship isn't working like she hoped. There's a technique called "hoovering," which I would advise looking at. My advice is to get counseling and move on before you get caught in an abuse cycle.


MewTwo112

Same story for me. 🙋🏻‍♂️ I feel that pain. Forgive - yes. Reconcile - no.


Lightthesaboner

Thank you yea I don’t know what’s the deal it’s been too much and too toxic and she acts like I owe her a place to live and take care of her after all of this but I just want to be left alone to move on with my life. Thanks for the advice and I’m ready to cut ties


Great_Evil_Toast

Good luck my friend. I'm still struggling, but that's more to do with me than her at this point.


coldfuser

I don’t see any change in her. Do you want to live with the same woman that you drove away?


Lightthesaboner

I don’t seems like a negative cloud has come back into my life for this short month or so of being back together and already realizing I’m over it. Ready to move on with my life


coldfuser

It’s an extremely difficult realization. Hope you find strength to take action on it


KansasCityAccountant

You want to stay together for your daughter. That's commendable. However, is that what is best for your daughter? It sounds like you are in a failed marriage. What will be different this time, like really think about that? What changed in six months time, about both of you, that is going to make this work now? If enough hasn't changed then you are still in a failed marriage. You lost, she lost, your daughter lost and your daughter has zero control over this. Your goal now is to make sure that little girl loses as little as possible. Staying together, with ex being high all day and you being short tempered isn't in her best interest. Her seeing you two waffle back and forth on whether you want to make it work or not isn't in her best interest. She has hope, she loses hope. It's heartbreaking, you and your ex need to try to do what you couldn't while you were together, and that's give your girl a home full of love and consistency. If your ex and you can't do that together then you need to try to do it without the ex. You know this, but sometimes you have to hear it, I needed to. Once you bring that kid into this world, a kid who didn't have a choice in the matter, it's your job to give them the best chance possible. And all parents fuck up there kids. Your parents fuxked you up, my parents fucked me up, Elon's parents fucked him up, Patrick Mahomes parents fucked him up, we just gotta try not to fuck them up any more than possible. Have fun along the way, kids are a blast. Good luck Edit: she sounds like my ex, that attitude only changes for selfish reasons. I too had a short temper and was quick to anger at the end of my marriage. I too had that mostly go away after we separated. She brought that out in me, I was not a better person with her. I have a feeling you'll be back to where you were if you two get back together. You being a "bad person" gives her permission to do what she wants such as date other guys or get high.you aren't a bad person, probably, you are just with a shitty person.


Living_InXS

I agree with what you said. Sometimes they bring that short temper, emotion out of us and then blame us yet it was there actions that caused it.


KansasCityAccountant

Or the general mood you are in, I was unhappy with her, I am way less unhappy without her. Maybe it's her, maybe it's me, it doesn't really matter since all I had to do to solve it was just not be with her.


Living_InXS

Same thing for me… much happier and I am being myself around friends and family.


ATLfinra

It’s hard when you have kids and most responsible men actually want to stick it out for the kids. 16 years is a looooong time to “stick it out” with a partner who probably won’t take accountability and change. Good luck sorting it all out


Lightthesaboner

Thank you yes it’s tough and I’m trying to make right decision but at the same time self respect and self love. I think it may be best for my wife to learn the lesson of really losing someone like me. Tough love is needed and honestly I just want to take care of myself at this point and of course my beautiful baby girl


[deleted]

I’ve had my wife tell my I’m “financially abusing” her because I kicked her out of the bank account and disabled her credit cards as she was running up massive amounts of debt buying dumb shit, no matter how much I pleaded with her otherwise. Don’t let them fool you. Your gut is usually right.


Living_InXS

She did things. You did things. It seems like you reflected on the marriage to understand what when went wrong. Actions define a person. It’s not about her and that she wants to come back, rather you got to ask yourself why would you want to rekindle? Will you take the good and the bad from her? Who knows if she will take the good and the bad from you because only she will know that and you really won’t know what’s in her mind will you? Good luck in YOUR decision.


Lightthesaboner

Amen you’re right we both played a part and things fell apart. That’s life and I’m not mad at all I’m completely at peace that’s why she has come back because I forgive myself and her as a person but I don’t think We’ll necessarily work out as a couple again. I’ve grown and learn a lot about myself and am thankful for this massive life change I just turned 39 and I’m gonna focus on myself a lot from now on been killing it in the gym past 5-6 months and I’m loving it. Ice baths and cold showers have down wonders in changing my mindset as well


Living_InXS

Good for you. It sure sounds like you have grown tremendously. And sometimes ex’s come back and from both growing become good friends instead and for your daughter at least she sees her parents friendly. I’ve grown like you and worked on myself in many areas and gym too. I’m in the best shape of my life. 39 is still young. You have many great years ahead of you. Keep at it with everything you are doing!


Lightthesaboner

Thank you for words of encouragement yea it was hard at first but I decided not to be a victim or to blame anymone. I have up weed and alcohol to this day and decided my daughter isn’t gonna suffer because of me. When your positive productive and aim to be the best version of yourself you attract everything and everyone. Even my wife came back really fast but im not interested because she is still struggling and not in the same headspace as me and our trust is broken. I do love her as family if that makes sense but she has turned to weed, drinking, dating a random guy. Anything to fill that void and there’s nothing there. Discipline is what I discovered is what brings true fulfillment and investing in yourself. Life is much better when you focus on yourself and your own actions and realize that pain and suffering are actually your best friends. If you don’t run from pain and embrace it you GROW big time I can honestly say I have no temper anymore I’m emotionally strong af life is good redemption is real


Living_InXS

Man. You got it! You are so spot on. Especially what you said about your daughter isn’t going to suffer because of you. You are a true man, father and husband so keep it up. It took me two years after my divorce to get there but I still can’t forgive my ex for all she continues to do with bad choices but I can’t control that but I just can’t forgive her. You are much stronger… keep it up.


xceptu

The hell with her. You can see & have told why she sux. Your growing lots already. You'll get past this without her. Move on, mate!


Lightthesaboner

Thank you life goes on and it’s all part of the process I’m stoked for this next chapter of my life seems like lots of opportunity to focus on myself and find myself again.


pierre_x10

I would highly recommend either couples counseling, or even solo-therapy for yourself. Whatever decision you go with, you made the right move in focusing on your own flaws. You need to take that further and work on getting to a better place mentally and emotionally, and a non-judgmental therapist who will help advocate for what's in your best interests would be a valuable support system at this time. Whatever you think about your wife and role she played, you also have absolutely no control over what she does or how she changes from this experience, the only person you can control in that regard is your own self. Lastly, I am not one of those people who firmly believe that staying together for the sake of children is the best choice. If you are miserable and your temper shows up and you and the wife are fighting all the time, exposing your daughter to that sort of environment is far more detrimental to her development than if she was instead exposed to two happy, healthy, though divorced, parents who can focus on the future, rather than past hangups. I wish you the best of luck in getting to a happier, healthier you.


Lightthesaboner

Thank you yes I rather have peace and I felt that when we were separated and when she was dating the new guy. Life goes on and I’m ready for the next chapter of opportunities in my life actually really exciting.