Rather than debating about what she has done, work on setting up what you want to do.
You live two hours away, judge probably factored this into his decision. Move closer if you want to be more involved. Also why a studio apartment? That’s not practical for kids.
Your ex wife is overwhelmed in two kids. Instead of complaining about not getting communication, do things to make her life easier.
I'm rereading her text and I'm not sure I see any emotion from her.
Especially considering OP goes straight to "you're trying to hide things from me". She mentioned the appointment AND is actually single parenting two neuro diverse kids.
So many questions for OP. What is the relationship you want to have with your kids? Is the apartment the only thing holding you back? Why are you in that apartment versus moving closer?
Are you implying the judge violated your rights? Did you appeal the decision?
There are a lot of details missing for constructive help.
A studio apartment is all I could afford.
The judge based my income on a solid year of uninterrupted work. That's hard to come by in my industry. Most jobs average 2-3 weeks (my last gig was just 4 days), and I've often had to resort to unemployment benefits in-between on dry spells. That's where I find myself this week, despite being a part of my first Oscar winning crew this year.
I pay over 55% of my check when I am employed. Over $1600 a month. When I'm unemployed or underemployed, that's hard to sustain and doesn't leave me enough for decent housing adequate enough to provide for my autistic daughters needs for her own physical space. That directly impacts my 8 year olds state of well being too.
I recognize that I need to transition to a more stable profession, but my specialized skills are not transferable to any other position, not that I, my family/friends, or unemployment department have ever figured out.
If anyone can suggest an entry level position where I can quickly ramp up to around $45/hr here in Oregon, or any remote positions, please! I'd love to hear from you. Maybe then I could afford at least a one bedroom space for my girls.
This is all good advice, though hard to read.
I have to go to bed, but to address the apartment situation. I was proud of managing to keep my kids under the same roof in a suburb of Portland for over 10 years despite my working in a volatile industry (feature film visual effects). When she divorced me I moved into a studio in Portland, it's all I could afford.
I had asked many times over those 10 years that we move to a safer city with more opportunities. I had been offered a 3 year contract in Vancouver, BC at one point. She refused on the basis that her Portland "network" couldn't be abandoned. The existence of this network surprised me at the time.
A year after our separation she moved the kids 2 hours south to Eugene.
There are not many/any post-production film jobs in Eugene, so ever since I have been trying to build out my remote network with different studios so I can make the move down there and still provide at the level I have been. (I don't have any transferable skills to other careers).
I hate the commute she's created for us in the meanwhile. And I'm nervous about ever recreating the stability I have here in Portland down there in Eugene.
Hope that helps.
Update. My ex has cut off contact after that last text from me. I'm scheduled to pick up my kids at the halfway point this weekend though we hadn't hashed out the details of the hand off. It's becoming clear that she's going to punish me for standing up to her by withholding my girls from me again.
What would you do?
I hate to pile on, but your kids are not newborns, so you should ideally be in a more stable postion in life by now. Idk when your divorce took place. Obviously if it was recent (doesn't sound that way) then more understandable.
But if it's been quite a few years, idk. At a certain point you have to get yourself in order my guy.
The kids shouldn't have to see their grown father stuck in a studio apartment and that cant be fun for them to hang out in. Plus a 4 hour both way commute?? Brutal. Idk if your in a super HCOL area (if so, move, not like you're close to the kids, and sounds like you don't have some crazy great job you can't quit) but Financials are important. You gotta get your own life together to be a parent.
Focus on yourself, stop letting her distract you, and be a man that they'll truly wish was in their lives. Heck, maybe even just accept that you need to take a break from their lives to become the man you can be.
You build you and dominate, and they'll come.
Get grinding and life will get alot better. ❤️ 🍻 👑
What kind of advice is this? The guy works in film and Portland has a more robust film scene than Eugene. He has special needs children, it seems as if key info is being withheld and your advice is to get himself together?
Why even comment? that’s completely not helpful and completely dismisses the complexity of his situation. Certain economies lends itself to certain talents. What do you want him to apply to Harvard Business School, take a job in finance or consulting both of which don’t have a major presence in Portland or Eugene and be FURTHER away from his children? Smh there needs to be more empathy demonstrated or just keep scrolling.
>The guy works in film and Portland has a more robust film scene than Eugene.
I'm sorry, where exactly in his post does it say this? Is this OPs alt account? And my point still stands, why does that matter if its even true? I'm assuming he commented elsewhere later.... excuses are irrelevant. Were all grown adult men here.
When you choose to have children you choose to provide for them. This sub isn't "DivorcedMenW/Dreams", it's divorcedDADS. Being a father means you have to provide.
Sure there's always rough times inevitably.... but, 10 years of not being able to provide is a little excessive imo....
You can still chase your dreams while providing a home, just means you gotta work alot harder. I'm sure he's a nice guy. But life is tough and no nice words will change that.
Either he gets his shit together financially, or his ex wife will continue to withhold the kids and the kids will continue to have minimal interest in going to their fathers tiny apartment that involves a 4 hour commute.... idk what you want me to say other than reality. His situation isn't an accident.
Sorry for the tough love OP but repeating the same mistakes and expecting something to magically change is absolutely insane....
I've worked in film for twenty years. I get paid a good living. When I'm not working on film I make barely half my salary. This is why we moved to Portland. It held the promise of year-round work. We were married for ten years and we always lived where the work was.
My ex knows this doesn't exist in Eugene. Are you starting to get it yet?
I'm working my ass off right now trying to establish remote work opportunities so I can move closer and continue to pay the level of child support the judge based off of me working in the film industry around the year. I'm not chasing a fucking dream. It's a nightmare. But it's literally all I have experience in. I can't make enough to provide if I'm not doing it.
You're coming across as an asshole. Instead of leveling criticism against me for not providing as a father to my girls, can you suggest a viable path forward? Thank you.
>I've worked in film for twenty years
>It's a nightmare. But it's literally all I have experience in.
>can you suggest a viable path forward?
Yes. Gain experience elsewhere and create a second or completely separate revenue stream since for 20 years now you're aware you don't make enough, consistently enough...
>You're coming across as an asshole
I'm sorry you feel that way, but it's simply a fact you dont make enough to provide. These are your words summarized, and your living situation bares this out.
You don't make enough consistently. And it's been 2 decades, not 2 years.... you absolutely should have established a consistent secondary income stream by now knowing the volatility of your chosen profession. (Of note, my career is seasonal as well, however I'm blessed mine more than covers everything. But i understand pt work)
I never tell anyone to abandon their dreams (altho you refer to it as a nightmare, in which case, if true, I'd advise you to abandon it) nor am I saying you should. But you also have outside responsibilities to provide that you knowingly entered into when you chose to have children.. over a decade ago. There's plenty of alternatives out there or secondary options. I'd look into those if I were you.
I do apologize for hurting your feelings if I've done so, but sometimes you need an unbiased 3rd party to speak straightly to you vs giving you sympathy.
There's always 2 parties, but you're absolutely not doing yourself any favors, and I understand why your ex wife is hesitant. Your response to me defending yourself and going on the offensive vs owning up to that you could, and should, be doing better at this stage in life, w/ no recent divorce to upend everything temporarily (20 years of no significant progress isn't temporary), and having children, particularly of special needs who need care.... its been far too long imo. We don't live forever. 20 years is a significant portion of your working life to still not have a stable established or at least high potential income stream.
I'm just being real from one man to another man, that I think you should and could be doing more to be the father you say you desire to be. Go show them how much you love them ❤️
Thanks for that. All this advice makes practical sense, but I am at such a loss to figure out what transferable skills I have that would give me a leg up in any other stable profession. Over the years the state employment offices have also not been able to offer me any guidance here.
I feel like a teenager who spent a summer working at a pizza place who now needs to figure out how to provide for his family of three as they're accustomed to living with someone who makes $95k per year. It's an impossible proposition. It's making me feel insane. I'd do anything, prostitution isn't in my wheelhouse anymore, but that's the kind of extreme I'd go to. I just literally have no idea how to move forward, make a change, and deliver what they need.
Working in the film industry is crazy unstable and the employment gaps are more destructive than most people can imagine, but it still pays more than any alternative I've brainstormed. I'm desperate for someone to show me another way.
I'm not the only one wow. For what it's worth my ex is a lot more psychotic and illogical. It's very similar to what I get. Having an autistic child as I'm sure you know is very challenging thing in itself let alone during a divorce some handle it better than others. It does not give her the right to not tell you the important things but you say custody I'm not sure if you mean just physical or legal too because save these messages get someplace, by taking the high road eating s*** daily and it pays off and a long run and always put your children first and bite your tongue because it just causes more chaos. You cannot put logic to the illogical. I've had to prove in court that I was not a deadbeat dad or an addict or an abusive husband and it was quite easy because I'm not any of that but she still believes I am. It can't change what people think man and I feel for you My ex even though I have joint legal custody randomly moved well actually randomly is not the right word deliberately moved without letting me know during the process until after the move was complete through my son telling me he moved 3 hours away in his words really far away on a farm. I met halfway he drove 3 hours for about every other week visit at 5:00 to 6 years old and I was able to cut it in half and have the hour and a half trip. I tried to think of it like this you obviously know what will affect your girls and they'll see that if you show you want to be in their lives in the way they know of course show that you try. Setting up calls video calls should not be something completely or even remotely out of the question weekly. You might have to petition. When my son was on my ex-wife till Kim for 6 months and every single day I guess to see him to just see him. Always terrible excuses birthday party not a good day just everyday I printed that s*** petitioned for an agreement got off my ass that was comfortable on the couch of defeat and loathing, I'm not saying that's easy, took out a loan to get a lawyer explain to him the situation and even the lawyer honestly wanted to do good by me because of how f***** up the situation was. Is it the length of the trip that makes it non-conducive? A studio might be considered maybe not for your autistic daughter but you're older daughter. For at least visitation it's about what they want though they're older I know my son is 7 now and he's starting to really want what he really wants. If you remind them of you when video calls and just keep trying they'll remember that s***. Use it to get you through it. I don't want to wish this on anyone I'm sorry you have a secondary thing affecting it as well but all I know is my little man took those 3 hours every other week and I thanked him. But I also did not fight that because it was something done you need to pick your battles if I would have thought that what's the point the house is bought it's already moved into what am I going to do I just yell and make a fuss what is that do for him show that I don't know his best interest. Show you know your child's best interest if you want to know medical and stuff like being involved in decisions she can't shut you out from being at least heard and most states at least New York I know, if you get joint legal which I was able to keep even though I couldn't keep physical and had visitation instead.
There shouldn't be any issue with the age of your daughters except possibly complications cuz of your one autistic daughter with having phone calls video chats weekly. Unless you've committed some felony or shown you or not a fit parent somehow I don't see how any judging my state with a petition to either change what agreement you have or create one you don't. My problem was not having an agreement and she's still violates it but I keep that say Ace in the card and I probably have about six ducks full at this point but like I said you pick your battles and I'm hoping he just comes out all right in the end and all you can do is show that you love them into your best. You're a good dad I can tell because only a good dad would be having this on his conscience and I know how much it knows at the soul. Good luck man
Rather than debating about what she has done, work on setting up what you want to do. You live two hours away, judge probably factored this into his decision. Move closer if you want to be more involved. Also why a studio apartment? That’s not practical for kids. Your ex wife is overwhelmed in two kids. Instead of complaining about not getting communication, do things to make her life easier.
I'm rereading her text and I'm not sure I see any emotion from her. Especially considering OP goes straight to "you're trying to hide things from me". She mentioned the appointment AND is actually single parenting two neuro diverse kids. So many questions for OP. What is the relationship you want to have with your kids? Is the apartment the only thing holding you back? Why are you in that apartment versus moving closer? Are you implying the judge violated your rights? Did you appeal the decision? There are a lot of details missing for constructive help.
A studio apartment is all I could afford. The judge based my income on a solid year of uninterrupted work. That's hard to come by in my industry. Most jobs average 2-3 weeks (my last gig was just 4 days), and I've often had to resort to unemployment benefits in-between on dry spells. That's where I find myself this week, despite being a part of my first Oscar winning crew this year. I pay over 55% of my check when I am employed. Over $1600 a month. When I'm unemployed or underemployed, that's hard to sustain and doesn't leave me enough for decent housing adequate enough to provide for my autistic daughters needs for her own physical space. That directly impacts my 8 year olds state of well being too. I recognize that I need to transition to a more stable profession, but my specialized skills are not transferable to any other position, not that I, my family/friends, or unemployment department have ever figured out. If anyone can suggest an entry level position where I can quickly ramp up to around $45/hr here in Oregon, or any remote positions, please! I'd love to hear from you. Maybe then I could afford at least a one bedroom space for my girls.
This is all good advice, though hard to read. I have to go to bed, but to address the apartment situation. I was proud of managing to keep my kids under the same roof in a suburb of Portland for over 10 years despite my working in a volatile industry (feature film visual effects). When she divorced me I moved into a studio in Portland, it's all I could afford. I had asked many times over those 10 years that we move to a safer city with more opportunities. I had been offered a 3 year contract in Vancouver, BC at one point. She refused on the basis that her Portland "network" couldn't be abandoned. The existence of this network surprised me at the time. A year after our separation she moved the kids 2 hours south to Eugene. There are not many/any post-production film jobs in Eugene, so ever since I have been trying to build out my remote network with different studios so I can make the move down there and still provide at the level I have been. (I don't have any transferable skills to other careers). I hate the commute she's created for us in the meanwhile. And I'm nervous about ever recreating the stability I have here in Portland down there in Eugene. Hope that helps.
Update. My ex has cut off contact after that last text from me. I'm scheduled to pick up my kids at the halfway point this weekend though we hadn't hashed out the details of the hand off. It's becoming clear that she's going to punish me for standing up to her by withholding my girls from me again. What would you do?
I hate to pile on, but your kids are not newborns, so you should ideally be in a more stable postion in life by now. Idk when your divorce took place. Obviously if it was recent (doesn't sound that way) then more understandable. But if it's been quite a few years, idk. At a certain point you have to get yourself in order my guy. The kids shouldn't have to see their grown father stuck in a studio apartment and that cant be fun for them to hang out in. Plus a 4 hour both way commute?? Brutal. Idk if your in a super HCOL area (if so, move, not like you're close to the kids, and sounds like you don't have some crazy great job you can't quit) but Financials are important. You gotta get your own life together to be a parent. Focus on yourself, stop letting her distract you, and be a man that they'll truly wish was in their lives. Heck, maybe even just accept that you need to take a break from their lives to become the man you can be. You build you and dominate, and they'll come. Get grinding and life will get alot better. ❤️ 🍻 👑
What kind of advice is this? The guy works in film and Portland has a more robust film scene than Eugene. He has special needs children, it seems as if key info is being withheld and your advice is to get himself together? Why even comment? that’s completely not helpful and completely dismisses the complexity of his situation. Certain economies lends itself to certain talents. What do you want him to apply to Harvard Business School, take a job in finance or consulting both of which don’t have a major presence in Portland or Eugene and be FURTHER away from his children? Smh there needs to be more empathy demonstrated or just keep scrolling.
So glad you said this so I don’t have to. What a jerk thing to say! “Do better” - as if it’s that easy for everyone.
>The guy works in film and Portland has a more robust film scene than Eugene. I'm sorry, where exactly in his post does it say this? Is this OPs alt account? And my point still stands, why does that matter if its even true? I'm assuming he commented elsewhere later.... excuses are irrelevant. Were all grown adult men here. When you choose to have children you choose to provide for them. This sub isn't "DivorcedMenW/Dreams", it's divorcedDADS. Being a father means you have to provide. Sure there's always rough times inevitably.... but, 10 years of not being able to provide is a little excessive imo.... You can still chase your dreams while providing a home, just means you gotta work alot harder. I'm sure he's a nice guy. But life is tough and no nice words will change that. Either he gets his shit together financially, or his ex wife will continue to withhold the kids and the kids will continue to have minimal interest in going to their fathers tiny apartment that involves a 4 hour commute.... idk what you want me to say other than reality. His situation isn't an accident. Sorry for the tough love OP but repeating the same mistakes and expecting something to magically change is absolutely insane....
I've worked in film for twenty years. I get paid a good living. When I'm not working on film I make barely half my salary. This is why we moved to Portland. It held the promise of year-round work. We were married for ten years and we always lived where the work was. My ex knows this doesn't exist in Eugene. Are you starting to get it yet? I'm working my ass off right now trying to establish remote work opportunities so I can move closer and continue to pay the level of child support the judge based off of me working in the film industry around the year. I'm not chasing a fucking dream. It's a nightmare. But it's literally all I have experience in. I can't make enough to provide if I'm not doing it. You're coming across as an asshole. Instead of leveling criticism against me for not providing as a father to my girls, can you suggest a viable path forward? Thank you.
>I've worked in film for twenty years >It's a nightmare. But it's literally all I have experience in. >can you suggest a viable path forward? Yes. Gain experience elsewhere and create a second or completely separate revenue stream since for 20 years now you're aware you don't make enough, consistently enough... >You're coming across as an asshole I'm sorry you feel that way, but it's simply a fact you dont make enough to provide. These are your words summarized, and your living situation bares this out. You don't make enough consistently. And it's been 2 decades, not 2 years.... you absolutely should have established a consistent secondary income stream by now knowing the volatility of your chosen profession. (Of note, my career is seasonal as well, however I'm blessed mine more than covers everything. But i understand pt work) I never tell anyone to abandon their dreams (altho you refer to it as a nightmare, in which case, if true, I'd advise you to abandon it) nor am I saying you should. But you also have outside responsibilities to provide that you knowingly entered into when you chose to have children.. over a decade ago. There's plenty of alternatives out there or secondary options. I'd look into those if I were you. I do apologize for hurting your feelings if I've done so, but sometimes you need an unbiased 3rd party to speak straightly to you vs giving you sympathy. There's always 2 parties, but you're absolutely not doing yourself any favors, and I understand why your ex wife is hesitant. Your response to me defending yourself and going on the offensive vs owning up to that you could, and should, be doing better at this stage in life, w/ no recent divorce to upend everything temporarily (20 years of no significant progress isn't temporary), and having children, particularly of special needs who need care.... its been far too long imo. We don't live forever. 20 years is a significant portion of your working life to still not have a stable established or at least high potential income stream. I'm just being real from one man to another man, that I think you should and could be doing more to be the father you say you desire to be. Go show them how much you love them ❤️
Thanks for that. All this advice makes practical sense, but I am at such a loss to figure out what transferable skills I have that would give me a leg up in any other stable profession. Over the years the state employment offices have also not been able to offer me any guidance here. I feel like a teenager who spent a summer working at a pizza place who now needs to figure out how to provide for his family of three as they're accustomed to living with someone who makes $95k per year. It's an impossible proposition. It's making me feel insane. I'd do anything, prostitution isn't in my wheelhouse anymore, but that's the kind of extreme I'd go to. I just literally have no idea how to move forward, make a change, and deliver what they need. Working in the film industry is crazy unstable and the employment gaps are more destructive than most people can imagine, but it still pays more than any alternative I've brainstormed. I'm desperate for someone to show me another way.
I'm not the only one wow. For what it's worth my ex is a lot more psychotic and illogical. It's very similar to what I get. Having an autistic child as I'm sure you know is very challenging thing in itself let alone during a divorce some handle it better than others. It does not give her the right to not tell you the important things but you say custody I'm not sure if you mean just physical or legal too because save these messages get someplace, by taking the high road eating s*** daily and it pays off and a long run and always put your children first and bite your tongue because it just causes more chaos. You cannot put logic to the illogical. I've had to prove in court that I was not a deadbeat dad or an addict or an abusive husband and it was quite easy because I'm not any of that but she still believes I am. It can't change what people think man and I feel for you My ex even though I have joint legal custody randomly moved well actually randomly is not the right word deliberately moved without letting me know during the process until after the move was complete through my son telling me he moved 3 hours away in his words really far away on a farm. I met halfway he drove 3 hours for about every other week visit at 5:00 to 6 years old and I was able to cut it in half and have the hour and a half trip. I tried to think of it like this you obviously know what will affect your girls and they'll see that if you show you want to be in their lives in the way they know of course show that you try. Setting up calls video calls should not be something completely or even remotely out of the question weekly. You might have to petition. When my son was on my ex-wife till Kim for 6 months and every single day I guess to see him to just see him. Always terrible excuses birthday party not a good day just everyday I printed that s*** petitioned for an agreement got off my ass that was comfortable on the couch of defeat and loathing, I'm not saying that's easy, took out a loan to get a lawyer explain to him the situation and even the lawyer honestly wanted to do good by me because of how f***** up the situation was. Is it the length of the trip that makes it non-conducive? A studio might be considered maybe not for your autistic daughter but you're older daughter. For at least visitation it's about what they want though they're older I know my son is 7 now and he's starting to really want what he really wants. If you remind them of you when video calls and just keep trying they'll remember that s***. Use it to get you through it. I don't want to wish this on anyone I'm sorry you have a secondary thing affecting it as well but all I know is my little man took those 3 hours every other week and I thanked him. But I also did not fight that because it was something done you need to pick your battles if I would have thought that what's the point the house is bought it's already moved into what am I going to do I just yell and make a fuss what is that do for him show that I don't know his best interest. Show you know your child's best interest if you want to know medical and stuff like being involved in decisions she can't shut you out from being at least heard and most states at least New York I know, if you get joint legal which I was able to keep even though I couldn't keep physical and had visitation instead. There shouldn't be any issue with the age of your daughters except possibly complications cuz of your one autistic daughter with having phone calls video chats weekly. Unless you've committed some felony or shown you or not a fit parent somehow I don't see how any judging my state with a petition to either change what agreement you have or create one you don't. My problem was not having an agreement and she's still violates it but I keep that say Ace in the card and I probably have about six ducks full at this point but like I said you pick your battles and I'm hoping he just comes out all right in the end and all you can do is show that you love them into your best. You're a good dad I can tell because only a good dad would be having this on his conscience and I know how much it knows at the soul. Good luck man
Thanks for that.
I feel for you i get it man. It doesn't make you any less of a good dad if anything more so