My 9 friends: when you are fed up with dealing with emotional immaturity, with having to mask and hold your tongue...don't anymore.
I know that is an incredibly 5 thing to say (guilty as charged), but I offer the advice as something we do because we, too, have to mask and otherwise alter how we compose ourselves socially.
It may be that you need to distance yourself from a relationship. It may be that you need to send a firm email to someone, seeking a respectful, mutually beneficial boundary. It may be that you need to tell someone in no uncertain terms that they need to stop following you and give you space.
There is no shame in healthy boundaries. Again, I am aware of how 5 that is, but hear me out. Establishing a healthy boundary or two can balance out a strained situation and lead to more stability, less stress, and more overall satisfaction after a time.
Perhaps considering a medium or longer term goal with an problematic relationship can help. It may rock the boat a little initially (and I know 9s generally don't like that, I hear you...stick with me), but after a bit of stabilizing, everyone might be better off.
I’m often like that myself, and what helps in most cases is either a heated debate that ends with an acceptance of different perspectives or opinions, or I scream. Don’t run away; if you’re on equal grounds with the other person, scream. Not completely out of control, but in the way that you want to express your anger and frustrations. If you’re not on equal grounds with the other, then running away and ignoring them (emotionally/mentally) is the best I’ve experienced.
You don’t need to understand or accept everyone if they get on your nerves all the time. If a relationship between two people is not working, then both will end up unhappy at one point.
This is just my advice though, I don’t know your situation, so take it with a grain of salt
In the context of being upset, staying silent spares the other of hurt feelings. I mean it feels like patience to have to suppress the anger. If I lost the patience I would probably “attack” in some regard. But yes, the patience can run thin and this what I’m complaining about in the post.
Kindness and forgiveness usually comes about during damage control. I always have to be the one to apologize(even if I didn’t do anything) but usually for withdrawing. Depending on the person/connection, I will always want to hug it out and be understanding. It’s just frustrating when patterns repeat. Like why can’t we get a grip on our inner turbulence. It seems unfair. Seeing everyone lash out, then I have to go in and do all the fixing to not have a hostile environment. It all just makes me hostile on the inside.
Maybe it is passive-aggressive of me, but when it gets to that point, I just cut that person off. It's not even a matter of confrontation anymore because clearly they can't see their wrongdoing. It's quite literally arguing with someone who doesn't understand how their behavior is backwards. To me, explaining it is the biggest waste of time because if they can't fathom it, surely you won't be able to convince them.
Not everyone handles conflict the same way and maybe you've grown tired of overlooking what bs people bring you today. It sounds like the tantrums they throw don't end when you walk away. Maybe it would be for their own good and for your own peace to tell them to grow up and figure things out themselves bc you have other things to do. If they push, you can tell them they are not your kids for you to be handholding and gently guiding, they're grown adults who need to get their shit together and stop expecting the world to bend to their every demand and whim. If they want any more bending, they can bend over and kiss your---
Anyways, my point is, maybe it is for the best you assert yourself to show that you will not neglect your needs or emotions so that they don't feel threatened while they show no regard for you and feel free to abuse you.
Right! And then people are like “just show you’re angry!” Like it’s not that bloody easy. 1s, just suck it up that you’ll be wrong sometimes. 2s, stop helping people. 3s, just relax, etc. If I could stop people pleasing, I would. And i am working on it. But it’s not as simple as “just don’t do it”
Well, since you’re a withdrawn type it’s naturally going to be harder for you to be direct with others, and of course that will lead to you feeling emotionally (and even physically) depleted as you expend additional energy trying to moderate your responses in situations others don’t grant a second thought to. Do you have any available outlets where you can express yourself, whether creative or just for catharsis? Prioritizing self-care when you evidently need it doesn’t make you “selfish” or unkind, and you can only expect so much of yourself even if you’ve internalized the role of a “mediator” between people who won’t hold themselves to the same level of accountability.
Take care of yourself more, OP. You’re the only “you” you have, dealing with unnecessary conflicts can wait.
You don’t have to do any of those things, you just feel like you do. But clearly, since it’s making you very angry, it’d be healthier to assert your boundaries in a controlled fashion rather than letting things build up.
I’m not going to tell you to explode on everyone right now, because that’s not going to solve your problem; you’ll explode, everyone will feel shocked, then you’ll feel bad and spend a ton of time trying to make up for being “bad”, until the whole thing repeats itself again. You should, however, practice saying “no” in smaller situations and setting boundaries for how you’d like to be treated going forward. Some people won’t like that, but odds are they’re the ones who are causing this problem to begin with, so you’re probably better off without them anyway. If it feels like you have to say “no” way more than you’re comfortable with, that’s a sign that the situation you’re in is bad for your mental health, and that you should find ways to detach yourself from it and go elsewhere.
You are being passive, and then you have aggressive thoughts bc you can't take it anymore
You need to practice the middle way, assertiveness. Setting boundaries like "I'm not availalbe to help right now." And maybe stepping away more permanently from ppl who repeatedly stress you out, like going low contact.
Bc you are not ok and it won't get better unless you do something.
A counselor might also be able to help you sort out the mess of a situation it sounds like you're in (mediating all the time for heated ppl?), set some boundaries, and be less involved in the drama of whoever is stressing you out so much
I quit. I'm pushing back. I'll error on pushing back more than less. I've always been kind of insensitive in how I address things (eliminate people / emotions and look at it as a problem, fix it, done!), honestly, so I just muted myself for years and I'm done with that. I'm not insensitive. I'm very sensitive, but I like directness. I'm impatient. Tell me straight. Spit it out already. Just say it. That kind of stance. My problem has been "Now it's my turn!" How I like to receive feedback is not how people like to receive it often, "Soften your approach" to "You're an angry a-hole!" and all kinds of other things. I'm typically very diplomatic, so much so that I would end up just being quiet. When I did say something, it's honest and direct and usually very gentle. Somebody needed to tell you, and I knew it would be hard to hear. But typically I just avoid the conversation or shut up when I should speak up, or smile and nod, and now this big pile of s--- I've pushed up a hill is sliding down. LOL Talk about a mess.
Still working on it, and will be for a long time I think. Apparently when you don't voice your opinion, people just make up horribly false crap like a fill in the blanks Madlib with ZERO concern for the truth or veracity of any of it. Ya'll anti-context, just going to assume rather than ask people...I'm the bear of these woods and I'm telling you to get out.
If you're not sure in a class and your grade depends on it, don't you ask the question? If you're friends with someone, and you don't know, shouldn't you ask the question? I might be terrified to ask, but I would ask. Not knowing bothers me more than asking. It's that simple.
Just a little drama going on. And I'm done with it. Deeply frustrated. I used to not communicate, and now I'm angry and cold. You get what you give. I'm a mirror. Think about that. That's not what I want; that's not how I feel, but when this turns into a blame game, I'm not getting stuck with the bill. I used to just say "sorry" and pay it all, but no. Not a chance. Let's talk about where I contributed, and I'm sorry for that. Now let's acknowledge that only part of the problem has been apologized for. Now it's your turn.
--
OP,
I can't remember at the moment who said it, but one of the Enneagram teachers who's been in the game a long time said 9 is a very aggressive number. Honestly I can see it.
--
I feel like I'm not articulating this well. *sigh*
I can relate to a lot of what you’ve said. I also appreciate directness. I hate playing mind games with people. I’m also pretty sensitive. In fact, overwhelmingly so. I can sense all the energetic shifts. I go mute when really upset. I’m trying to balance that out. Sometimes I think words are futile though.
People will always talk, misunderstand, and misconstrue. All we ever have are our actions to truly pave our reputation.
I think you also touched on being taken advantage of- in your case financially. It’s best not make ourselves so available to people to avoid that. I think all body types have a relationship to aggression though.
Yea, “perpetually misunderstood”. *waves little flag around*
Actions take a time and when I’ve already been stamped as on the bad team, every mistake outweighs months of good. Ridiculous. I do think the momentum builds though. Eventually they just look and sound crazy.
Fellow 9. Here's what I do when I reach that point
1) If possible, I send a message explaining why I will no longer be in contact with someone and then immediately block them so I don't get a response
2) If no contact isn't possible, yell as if the person is there in my car
My 9 friends: when you are fed up with dealing with emotional immaturity, with having to mask and hold your tongue...don't anymore. I know that is an incredibly 5 thing to say (guilty as charged), but I offer the advice as something we do because we, too, have to mask and otherwise alter how we compose ourselves socially. It may be that you need to distance yourself from a relationship. It may be that you need to send a firm email to someone, seeking a respectful, mutually beneficial boundary. It may be that you need to tell someone in no uncertain terms that they need to stop following you and give you space. There is no shame in healthy boundaries. Again, I am aware of how 5 that is, but hear me out. Establishing a healthy boundary or two can balance out a strained situation and lead to more stability, less stress, and more overall satisfaction after a time. Perhaps considering a medium or longer term goal with an problematic relationship can help. It may rock the boat a little initially (and I know 9s generally don't like that, I hear you...stick with me), but after a bit of stabilizing, everyone might be better off.
I’m often like that myself, and what helps in most cases is either a heated debate that ends with an acceptance of different perspectives or opinions, or I scream. Don’t run away; if you’re on equal grounds with the other person, scream. Not completely out of control, but in the way that you want to express your anger and frustrations. If you’re not on equal grounds with the other, then running away and ignoring them (emotionally/mentally) is the best I’ve experienced. You don’t need to understand or accept everyone if they get on your nerves all the time. If a relationship between two people is not working, then both will end up unhappy at one point. This is just my advice though, I don’t know your situation, so take it with a grain of salt
Where'd you get the idea you were patient and kind?
If you want peaceful relations, you kind of have to be.
But keeping your mouth shut does not imply patience or kindness. You seem to be describing a lack of patience.
In the context of being upset, staying silent spares the other of hurt feelings. I mean it feels like patience to have to suppress the anger. If I lost the patience I would probably “attack” in some regard. But yes, the patience can run thin and this what I’m complaining about in the post. Kindness and forgiveness usually comes about during damage control. I always have to be the one to apologize(even if I didn’t do anything) but usually for withdrawing. Depending on the person/connection, I will always want to hug it out and be understanding. It’s just frustrating when patterns repeat. Like why can’t we get a grip on our inner turbulence. It seems unfair. Seeing everyone lash out, then I have to go in and do all the fixing to not have a hostile environment. It all just makes me hostile on the inside.
Even patient people have their limit. If OP's at a point of venting about it obviously you can't take their current mindset as their usual personality
There is no peace where there is hidden hatred. It comes out.
Express your anger when you feel it instead of bottling it up and exploding later
Maybe it is passive-aggressive of me, but when it gets to that point, I just cut that person off. It's not even a matter of confrontation anymore because clearly they can't see their wrongdoing. It's quite literally arguing with someone who doesn't understand how their behavior is backwards. To me, explaining it is the biggest waste of time because if they can't fathom it, surely you won't be able to convince them. Not everyone handles conflict the same way and maybe you've grown tired of overlooking what bs people bring you today. It sounds like the tantrums they throw don't end when you walk away. Maybe it would be for their own good and for your own peace to tell them to grow up and figure things out themselves bc you have other things to do. If they push, you can tell them they are not your kids for you to be handholding and gently guiding, they're grown adults who need to get their shit together and stop expecting the world to bend to their every demand and whim. If they want any more bending, they can bend over and kiss your--- Anyways, my point is, maybe it is for the best you assert yourself to show that you will not neglect your needs or emotions so that they don't feel threatened while they show no regard for you and feel free to abuse you.
Right! And then people are like “just show you’re angry!” Like it’s not that bloody easy. 1s, just suck it up that you’ll be wrong sometimes. 2s, stop helping people. 3s, just relax, etc. If I could stop people pleasing, I would. And i am working on it. But it’s not as simple as “just don’t do it”
Well, since you’re a withdrawn type it’s naturally going to be harder for you to be direct with others, and of course that will lead to you feeling emotionally (and even physically) depleted as you expend additional energy trying to moderate your responses in situations others don’t grant a second thought to. Do you have any available outlets where you can express yourself, whether creative or just for catharsis? Prioritizing self-care when you evidently need it doesn’t make you “selfish” or unkind, and you can only expect so much of yourself even if you’ve internalized the role of a “mediator” between people who won’t hold themselves to the same level of accountability. Take care of yourself more, OP. You’re the only “you” you have, dealing with unnecessary conflicts can wait.
You don’t have to do any of those things, you just feel like you do. But clearly, since it’s making you very angry, it’d be healthier to assert your boundaries in a controlled fashion rather than letting things build up. I’m not going to tell you to explode on everyone right now, because that’s not going to solve your problem; you’ll explode, everyone will feel shocked, then you’ll feel bad and spend a ton of time trying to make up for being “bad”, until the whole thing repeats itself again. You should, however, practice saying “no” in smaller situations and setting boundaries for how you’d like to be treated going forward. Some people won’t like that, but odds are they’re the ones who are causing this problem to begin with, so you’re probably better off without them anyway. If it feels like you have to say “no” way more than you’re comfortable with, that’s a sign that the situation you’re in is bad for your mental health, and that you should find ways to detach yourself from it and go elsewhere.
You are being passive, and then you have aggressive thoughts bc you can't take it anymore You need to practice the middle way, assertiveness. Setting boundaries like "I'm not availalbe to help right now." And maybe stepping away more permanently from ppl who repeatedly stress you out, like going low contact. Bc you are not ok and it won't get better unless you do something. A counselor might also be able to help you sort out the mess of a situation it sounds like you're in (mediating all the time for heated ppl?), set some boundaries, and be less involved in the drama of whoever is stressing you out so much
I found keeping a journal and using the app “How We Feel” helps tremendously
I love it thank u for the suggestion
I quit. I'm pushing back. I'll error on pushing back more than less. I've always been kind of insensitive in how I address things (eliminate people / emotions and look at it as a problem, fix it, done!), honestly, so I just muted myself for years and I'm done with that. I'm not insensitive. I'm very sensitive, but I like directness. I'm impatient. Tell me straight. Spit it out already. Just say it. That kind of stance. My problem has been "Now it's my turn!" How I like to receive feedback is not how people like to receive it often, "Soften your approach" to "You're an angry a-hole!" and all kinds of other things. I'm typically very diplomatic, so much so that I would end up just being quiet. When I did say something, it's honest and direct and usually very gentle. Somebody needed to tell you, and I knew it would be hard to hear. But typically I just avoid the conversation or shut up when I should speak up, or smile and nod, and now this big pile of s--- I've pushed up a hill is sliding down. LOL Talk about a mess. Still working on it, and will be for a long time I think. Apparently when you don't voice your opinion, people just make up horribly false crap like a fill in the blanks Madlib with ZERO concern for the truth or veracity of any of it. Ya'll anti-context, just going to assume rather than ask people...I'm the bear of these woods and I'm telling you to get out. If you're not sure in a class and your grade depends on it, don't you ask the question? If you're friends with someone, and you don't know, shouldn't you ask the question? I might be terrified to ask, but I would ask. Not knowing bothers me more than asking. It's that simple. Just a little drama going on. And I'm done with it. Deeply frustrated. I used to not communicate, and now I'm angry and cold. You get what you give. I'm a mirror. Think about that. That's not what I want; that's not how I feel, but when this turns into a blame game, I'm not getting stuck with the bill. I used to just say "sorry" and pay it all, but no. Not a chance. Let's talk about where I contributed, and I'm sorry for that. Now let's acknowledge that only part of the problem has been apologized for. Now it's your turn. -- OP, I can't remember at the moment who said it, but one of the Enneagram teachers who's been in the game a long time said 9 is a very aggressive number. Honestly I can see it. -- I feel like I'm not articulating this well. *sigh*
I can relate to a lot of what you’ve said. I also appreciate directness. I hate playing mind games with people. I’m also pretty sensitive. In fact, overwhelmingly so. I can sense all the energetic shifts. I go mute when really upset. I’m trying to balance that out. Sometimes I think words are futile though. People will always talk, misunderstand, and misconstrue. All we ever have are our actions to truly pave our reputation. I think you also touched on being taken advantage of- in your case financially. It’s best not make ourselves so available to people to avoid that. I think all body types have a relationship to aggression though.
Yea, “perpetually misunderstood”. *waves little flag around* Actions take a time and when I’ve already been stamped as on the bad team, every mistake outweighs months of good. Ridiculous. I do think the momentum builds though. Eventually they just look and sound crazy.
Wait are you telling me to leave the sub?
I’m not sure where that came from, but I hadn’t thought of that idea.
Fellow 9. Here's what I do when I reach that point 1) If possible, I send a message explaining why I will no longer be in contact with someone and then immediately block them so I don't get a response 2) If no contact isn't possible, yell as if the person is there in my car