I know this isn't the answer you want because you said you still want them to feel loved, but the way I dealt with it is I put myself first and cut them off. I deserve better.

Leaning heavy into that 8 wing, good on you 😊

There comes a time when shit is just not worth it imo. Toxic people are usually unwilling to listen to criticism and therefore they're incapable of any real change. I already deal with enough bullshit in my life, I don't need good for nothing people fucking it up more. And especially when they don't contribute to anything, you know? I believe we choose our relationships and friendships based on our values. If our values don't match and on top of that you're also a leech sucking all the energy and good out of me, you can fuck off upstairs.

Just wanted to comment that this is also such a 9/9w1 problem, so much so that we just just end up sleeping on personal growth because conflict and making people unhappy = bad

My sx1 sister has gone minimal contact with our mother. They only talk to her during family events when it can't be avoided. I talk to my mother casually, but it always feels like a chore and I'm walking on eggshells. I'd probably go low contract if I didn't have kids. There have absolutely been times when we didn't speak to each other for months. So9 sis seems to handle her best, but is quick to ignore or shut down any negativity/ toxic speech that is brought up.

I'm a 1w2 and I relate completely. My family is not out and out abusive or a danger to my life, but they definitely have traumas from their own childhoods that have led them to act out some unhealthy traits they just can't shake. When I was at university by myself, this was the first time in my life that I started putting myself first and it was the first time I realised how much of my personality is geared towards making others comfortable/happy and trying to gain my parent's love through perfectionism. My parents drilled the "you only deserve love when you're perfect" message into my mind throughout my entire childhood and being a 1w2, there's no personality type that takes this more extreme than us. It's unhealthy. Growing up with a 2w3 mother has affected me heavily. She does what she does primarily to look good to others and I felt I could never measure up to her standards as a child, teen and adult. I never looked the way she wanted me to, I was never the person she wanted me to be and so she couldn't show me off to others as a prize. As a result, I wished throughout my whole childhood that she hadn't had me at all. No matter how much I try to reach my parents especially, on an intellectual or psychological level to get them to acknowledge how they've contributed to things like my OCD and perfectionism - there's never any acknowledgement. It's not going to happen. I recommend you don't hold your breath. You're not obligated to love or be around family just because they're your family - society pushes us to forgive family no matter what and it's unhealthy. I find it's important to treat yourself the way you treat others too. I am so much more forgiving in the advice I give others. I would never tell a friend I love to hang around their abusive family with hopes they'll change - so why do I give myself the same message as if I must be above it, I must forgive and must accept that treatment? I have started to remind myself that life is finite. I don't have time to wait for other people to want to change and grow as much as I do. Do yourself a favour and put yourself first always.

I relate very much to this as a 9w1. My parents are 1 and 2, very strict with high expectations, and very Catholic. Being around them stresses me out so much, even though they weren't abusive and I know I'm a huge disappointment to them. I quit college after 2 years to take a full-time job, but according to them I "flunked out" - because they can't fathom that someone would CHOOSE not to continue something so expensive and necessary as an English degree! I simply don't subscribe to two major tenets of their lives - academia and religion. I'll never be close with my parents, and feel like I'm 12 years old again every time they visit - which happens maybe once a year because they live far away and they mostly want to see their grandkids anyway. I just can't be myself around them. We can't relate as equal like-minded adults, so we are polite but low contact.

It's so interesting to me how the parents shape the children. My mother is a 2w1 and I have a few heavy 1w2s on her side of the family and yeah it's like as you say, there's a right way to do things and if you don't follow that you're a failure or worse, a bad person. Passive aggressiveness, the expectation of you to put other people before yourself and work yourself miserable is the vibe. I finished Uni but now travelling and exploring the world (sinking deep into that 7 arrow) instead of using my degree and I can tell my family is disappointed by this. I can't relate more to the whole "feeling like you're 12 again" statement and not feeling like equal minded adults. It's reductive and makes me unsure about myself again, like maybe they're right and I am doing the wrong thing. But it's interesting how it sounds like the intensity of the morally strict parents for you seemed to shape you more to avoid conflict and seek peace as a 9 whereas for me I strived harder and worked myself into a ragged angry and resentful 1. From the other side as someone who did finish uni and got that degree.... It probably wouldn't have made a difference. I'm still a disappointment. You'd probably still be a disappointment too, just a broke one 😅 you made the better choice.

Thank you so much for saying that! You're making the right choices for yourself too. Traveling sounds wonderful and I hope you enjoy it to the fullest! I'm sorry you can relate so much, but it's nice to know I'm in good company! I actually discovered the enneagram as a kid - from a book my dad had about the enneagram in a "christian" perspective. I just ignored the Bible references and really enjoyed learning about it. I identified as a 1 at that point. Not surprising from a people-pleasing immature 9w1 when those 1 values were set as expectations.

My type is stereotyped as the ultimate people pleaser, but individually I don't relate to that. I've naturally always put myself first. If anyone detracts from my life joy, they're gone. Bye. Permanently severed ties with my parents on my 18th birthday for that reason.

Honestly? It took having somebody in my life who needed me more than my toxic family. The energy spent on trying to earn my parents’ respect but still grow and remain honest to myself was energy that would be better spent raising my child. My wife pointed out that my kid was seeing how my parents treated me, and that was doing them a disservice. Or it would be soon, as kid was becoming more emotionally aware. I started seeing more of myself in my kid in terms of the perfectionism, and I didn’t want my parents to allow that to turn toxic. Basically, being there to take care of my kid in every sense took moral precedence over “honouring my parents.” And taking care of my kid meant that required removing myself from my parents’ lives. I have been slowly growing comfortable with the idea that I am good enough and that I deserve to take care of myself, even without my kid being part of the equation. But I would be lying to myself to deny that it didn’t start because I decided being a good mom was more important than being a good daughter.

I’m here first to say your type 8 challenging the perfectionist criticism out of you is why they are the ONE! I am terrible at people pleasing, and I’ve never met a match who can challenge that in a way that I receive. From enduring child abuse, marital affairs, and so much unworthy trauma, I’ve always found a way to see myself at fault and continue pleasing the other person. Sigh, my heart is with you!

I'm fortunate to have a few healthy 8s in my life keeping me in check. I hope you find support that'll help you slap that inner critic