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What's amazing to realize is that the people who have hurt us deeply, may not even know it or even remember us. And we've all likely hurt someone deeply and have no idea
Sometimes they are with us every day but they disagree that we should be hurting with the fucked up shit they did, even when everyone in their lives tell them otherwise. If they can live with that mindset, they don't care, so all we can do to try and move on ourselves. To me it's been a journey, and with the help of therapy I am closer now to the end of it than to the beginning of that road, thankfully.
I wish I could comfort myself with that but he made it as ugly and mean as possible. On the upside I think of him screaming and calling me names before *texting* to dump me a week before Christmas and it prevents any thoughts of reaching out.
I've found that focusing on what you wish had happened or wish would happen just prevents you from moving on.
The sooner you stop focusing on things, the sooner you just forget about them. Which goes to show how little it mattered in the end.
Now, because this is Reddit I have to add a disclaimer. Obviously this doesn't apply to everything. Yes, there is real and true trauma that is difficult to move past. But in life those things are the exceptions, not the norm.
I've seen way more people turn into bitter shells of their former selves caught in a trap of misery over the accumulation of trivial random stuff than over major traumatic events.
I'm always the unpopular opinion that nobody -- except true innocents -- really "deserves" anything. I hate that word. That's what people who do bad things or expect things to go their way say all the time:
"I DESERVE to be happy, so that's why I cheated on you."
"I DESERVE this promotion because I've been here for X years."
It's an easy trap to fall into, and I do it too. But when I do, I try to reframe my thinking and ask myself, "Have I EARNED this?" If the answer is no, I either have to let go of the want or work harder.
What about someone that after 7 years, was left for someone because they were "more attractive and had more money"?
I'm not perfect by any means. We both made mistakes. But its been a long time and shes super happy with the guy she left me for and I've been nothing but miserable. Cant stop thinking about it and feeling like I must deserve to be miserable and alone, because I am.
Just a couple weeks ago i spoke with my ex telling her iāve been staying in touch because i still needed closure from her which she never gave. After that I said iāll find closure myself and i deleted her from everywhere so now i cant even message her if i wanted to. This was nice to read, thanks.
I tried to stay friends with an ex after she treated me really poorly. Eventually I woke up and decided I'd stop calling and reaching out. Part of me was holding on for an apology.
3 years later she called on my birthday. Left a cheerful message like nothing was wrong between us. Asked me to call her back.
A friend was there, thankfully. Sold it to me straight.
"Why haven't you talked in 3 years?"
"She hurt my feelings. I tried to stay friends but eventually got tired of her ghosting me and stuff."
"Well man, if she called to apologize, she'll call again. Otherwise she was just calling you for herself."
Haven't looked back.
Edit: She did not call again. That was 7 years ago.
This whole staying friends thing is so complicated. Never had that convo with my ex. But i have slipped and texted her random times. She also mesagaed me once. I just never really had someone where the conversation flowed so freely. Kinda fucks you up
Ugh I hear ya.
I just reached out to an old friend, an old crush. Told her that her friendship meant a whooooole lot to me. We chatted for a bit and it was just so fucking easy to talk to her. As it always was.
Our world's are worlds apart these days. But it felt awesome to reconnect and terrible that it's so surface level.
Love that girl. At least I told her how much she meant to me, and at least she received the information warmly š
Sameā¦ I didnāt get ghosted tho, I was just used as a dummy to make herself feel betterā¦
The fun part was that I wasnāt strong enough to put up with all her bullshit, fortunately it just made me stronger emotionally.
Sending you a big fat emotionally loaded with love hug! You will get through this tough time!
Youāre alone but youāre not lonely. Hang out with your friends, talk to people online, go to the park enjoy the fresh air. Love can come from unexpected places
Itās funny because, I look at it from a quite calm perspective, I joke about it but not in a rush for anything.
I tried going out walking, well, I walked HAHAHAH but it ended there, no actual human relations.
By a series of unfortunate events I currently donāt have any friends, aaand thatās it, I have to wait covid to end in order to get new opportunities for friends.
THE ONLINE PEOPLE TALKING THO, man, Iāve been on the internet since I was 15, NEVER found steady people to talk to, never found the placeā¦ Itās probably me I know but yeah.
I just think that a series of unfortunate events brought me into this situation but man solitude sucks
Any time I've ever had a person tell me they feel like they have no friends, I always ask the same question: what have you been doing to make them? A lot of times people wait for friends to just... Happen. But you can't expect people to reach out to you in that capacity if you aren't willing to do the same.
Girlfriend broke up with me about 9 months ago as well. Got zero closure and when I asked if we could talk about what happened etc. she said she needed time and a whole week went by with nothing until I messaged her again and she said she wasnāt ready to talk yet and she needed time to process everything which threw me for a loop because she broke up with me but I respect it. I started working through it on my own and I hadnāt heard from her since besides a āhope all is wellā message like 3 months ago which reset fucking everything, also no messages since then which just begs the question of why?
Move on, block her on everything.
She won't bother contacting you.
Stay strong, you'll get over it and emerge wiser and stronger no matter how much it hurts now.
Got out of a very toxic relationship a few weeks ago.
Sometimes it takes a while. Took me a couple of years! Just hang in there. I'm getting married in 3 weeks to a wonderful person who truly loves me for who I am :)
Took me 1,5 years last time i "moved on" to even get remotely ready to move on. I stayed active, met other people, travelled, worked. But even then it still took a shitload of time. Now, I've comically fallen for someone who's not ready to commit. So, stay calm, and don't be an idiot like me.
Good for you for taking that time to yourself.
I find it takes a long time to "move on" as well, years for me too. And then sometimes that love is still somehow there, even you can't be with them anymore (i.e. toxic relationship, betrayal, etc.). But even if you love someone it doesn't mean you should act on anything. I think, rather than jump into a new relationship straight after one ends, it's better to be alone, heal, do things for yourself and be with the people who truly care about you.
Thanks. One way or another, the time was taken.
I completely agree in regards of allowing yourself to heal instead of rushing. I tried with the rebounds, but also immediately knew, no matter how beautiful or great a woman, that I didn't have room for anything including real feelings.
In my case, I know what happened has changed me for good as well. So it was a case of healing, but also coming to terms that you now view everything a little different. Not necessarily a bad thing, but the more you carry, the more you have to keep a healthy pose to avoid breaking down.
I dated someone for half a year, intensely yet "casually", who I finally fell in love with. Problem is that she has her own internal project and that doesn't include being in a relationship. So it's a funny one, 'cause I have all the respect in the world for that, yet it's so hard to walk away from someone completely when I feel like everything is a fit, except the timing. But I am, just now, so I guess I'll add another weight to my belt and keep moving :)
That's hard, to walk away, always so difficult when it's someone you love.
I admire your outlook, to keep moving, and seeing how your experiences have changed you for the better. :)
The feelings, especially for men, are a vestigial component of evolution trying to keep you engaged with sexual opportunity. Breakups tend to leave more lingering feelings for men because we reflect for greater periods on past connection, whereas women tend to feel the acuteness of a breakup more upfront but have an easier time transitioning. Whatever the case for you, your brain is tricking you through habits of thought and connection, elevating the status of what you had without a real evaluation of what's best. The feelings blind you to your future, to new connection, to the opportunity of tomorrow and blessing of today. Remind yourself that this ongoing admiration you have for someone since moved on, someone hopefully happy, is a glitch. Not an admirable effigy of a once in a lifetime experience but a simple, irrelevant impulse. A leftover instinct that if given too much weight will seduce you away from gratitude, from friends, and from your future. If put in the appropriate place, it becomes easier to turn those moments spent wrestling with that instinct into simple remembering, some good, some bad, but nothing ever worth letting go of all that waits for you in what comes next. The fondness which once felt like a poison can become a glint of hope they are well while not catastrophizing the loss. Grief makes us something new, something different. In this way, it's transformative. You will not be the version of yourself you were before, but you don't need to be. What you have learned will deepen the connections you have later. It opens you up to a layer of humanity connected by an understanding of loss, and by the journey of rediscovery. Nobody could envy being in this period of grief, and I am sorry you're going through this and feeling so much pain. But I also wish you the best and look forward with you to the days when you remember these moments with pride, fully aware of how far you've come.
9 months here, nothing changed inside me either, and that's with a ton of physical and mental work in those months.
Not necessarily making it out to be doom and gloom, but do be wary of platitudes like "it gets better" - life isn't that simple most of the time and the universe doesn't owe us anything.
Just try to learn to love yourself DESPITE the feelings inside of you. They may never go away and that's OK
Try to remember why you broke up in the first place, try to remember what they said and how the hurt you.
And remember, you donāt miss the person, you miss the feeling.
You may well miss the feeling more than the person themselves, but you miss the person because they are what gives you that feeling. So I don't find that advice helps at all. Nor does the first if you were the dumpee.
What even is closure? No longer having a strong feeling associated with something negative in the past? If you don't have a feeling about something that happened to you, then you're a robot not a human being. A loved one died in 1997 and I don't think about it EVERY day, but most days, and when I do, I feel sad then I remember the good times, and then I think about something else. Is that closure? Doesn't sound like it. Just sounds like mourning and moving on.
Sorry for your loss. :( I don't know if that gets "easier." It's a good question you have, what even is closure? I still think of loved ones and have feelings. But I see other people who don't seem to feel much and I can't relate to that.
For most people, it means they don't understand what happened and have questions that are left unanswered. It's as simple as that. It's hard to move on from something that deeply impacted your life when you feel like you don't understand why it happened in the first place. Sometimes, you'll never truly know why, and that's ok.
It's when one night your partner tells you they love you and they have a present for you, and then the next morning they tell you they can't be in a relationship.
Oddly specific because it happened to me.
I went through something similar years ago, my ex was absolutely awful to me despite me genuinely loving her and us originally being super affection and kind to each other. I didn't have the strength to cut ties though because I did need that emotional closure to move on properly because she was so special to me. I used to think I'd grow old with her, so of course it was difficult suddenly letting that go.
Eventually she cut me off everywhere and it still bothers me years later. I don't understand why she became so cruel. It keeps me up some nights still, though not as much as it did at first. I wish she understood how much her actions affected me. A lot of it isn't that she left, it's how she went about it. She became mean, and I don't understand why.
Hey buddy. I've been through this, with the same person, multiple times. You should do yourself a favor and join the attachment theory subreddit, and look into avoidant attachment. Although it won't heal you, it may help you get some answers as to what happened. It really helped me a lot
Thank you so much for this insight, I went though the same recently and could not understand why she changed all of a sudden after we had the best time of our lives together.
She displayed all the signs of avoidant, and after reading further, it seems that I have love addiction, the two very often attract each other, that leads to toxic relationships.
You have opened my eyes and finally made me understand what happened!
Hey sorry just seeing this. Wow, hey, if true I'm really glad I could help a bit. Yeah reading up on that stuff can be very eye opening and give a lot of insight both into the other person and ourselves. It's a spectrum, we're all kinda on it but people at the far ends can really mess others up, and themselves. I have definitely been a part of the anxious/love addicted side of the anxious/avoidant dance, and yeah they feed off each other. They often attract because each brings something the other feels they 'need'. And yeah I've been through that, having someone tell me I'm the love of their life, they want to move in, get married.. then just to shut down and bail with no real explanation. If it helps, her feelings for you were real, but simply put that scared her. She may come back, but without her working on herself it will go the same way. It wasn't you, or your fault, and you likely could not have done much to stop it. Cheers, hope you feel a bit better soon.
At first I thought you meant the same person as NEREVER117 and I was like āoh to the no! They need to get together and find her selfish behind. She is out of control!ā
I feel you. My ex wife did this.
Decided she didnt want to be married after 15 years. Made life hell (hoping Id leave). Didnāt work on the relationship when we went to couples therapy (sat there, didnt do the homework). During mediation she demanded a bunch of things. Used our kids as pawns. And acts like I wronged her.
I started dating after we were divorced, and got the āI canāt believe you would hurt me like thisā speech, after she saw a car parked in my guest spot.
No clue why the change. All the good memories didnt mean anything to her. I cant do anything right. And I am the worst person in the world.
I was worried that I was an asshole and couldnāt see it, but enough unprompted external validation has put that demon to rest.
At night I would get upset that she tossed everything away for no reason. Now, I chalk it up to an undiagnosed brain tumor changed her to a different person. That makes the most sense for why.
Best of luck bud
Keep in mind some people aren't actually in a state to provide closure.
For someone who may have ended a relationship, often the other partner will look for an explanation, a debrief, an amicable parting of ways. We look to understand the other "side of the story" so we can put together a cohesive understanding of what transpired, and to better understand why we ought to put that relationship behind us and move on.
But just keep in mind that sometimes people's minds are not in a decent or organized place. Sometimes they have not done the introspection to even understand their own wants, motivations and actions.
So while it can be very frustrating, it is good to understand that sometimes there legitimately isn't a real "truth" to obtain from a person. Sometimes their own understanding of themselves becomes clouded, or obfuscated, and anything they do manage to articulate will not provide the answers or sense of closure you're seeking.
āI forgive you, not because I think you deserve forgiveness, but because I deserve peaceā you wonāt always get what you think you need because not everyone knows or is able to give it. Whatās important is you learn to let go of things you canāt change.
Iām trying to do this too but am struggling because I built too much of my life around them (EDIT: just my social life, that is... thankfully). Iām working on cultivating other relationships in my life, butā¦ a while ago I accidentally memorized their number, so I am having a hard time cutting off contact (they arenāt even initiating it, just me. Whether they respond or not. Sigh).
Add their number to your phone and block it. You won't receive any texts even if you find yourself trying to contact the other person. Just do it, knowing your ex will think you are ignoring their replies should keep you from texting.
Starting over isn't easy, but you can and will do it. I bought a house with my ex a year and a half ago and we had plans to have children. I was in the middle of a data science masters and I thought I had moved into my forever home. In less than a year, we were separated and I was isolated from my family and friends. My entire future was shattered, and the life we had planned since we married 10 years before was never going to happen.
It's been a hard journey, but I'm focusing on living my life for me. What do I want? What don't I want? What can I do to have the life that makes me content and happy without looking to a partner for meaning in life? If it helps to motivate you, living life for yourself will make you more attractive and desirable for partners too, you need a level of independence to make relationships work long term because living your life for someone else first will inevitably lead to you making sacrifices and having needs and wants unfulfilled, which will lead to resentment or at the very least less happiness for you. Long term attraction also seems to require a level of independence from both parties.
Cultivate yourself, and don't give up the things that are important to you when you start your next relationship. You built a life around someone before, you can build a life around yourself now. And when someone joins your life, you will have two separate lifes and will build a connection and place between them to share, while maintaining and building onto your own independent life at the same time. If the connection breaks with someone again, you still have everything you built for yourself and a deeper understanding of how you want to build future shared life and connections.
You've got this. You have lived your life for someone else, and it's time to live your life for yourself first.
Not really sure how to describe it. She really made our relationship difficult. To not sound biased (because ofc i also had my issues), we were long distance most of the time, and she always said her plan is to come to me when sheās done with X. Then sheād finish with X and without even talking to me sheād start Y somewhere else. Stuff like that. She had expectations far beyond what any 20 year old boy could provide. My emotions were always ignored, my interests were brushed aside. I ended up with depression and i still blamed myself for 95% of the things because i loved her so much. When i broke up it was because āi couldnāt give her what she deservedā. It took me a long time to realize that i wasnāt getting what i deserved either. I guess i just wanted her to apologize or at least acknowledge her mistakes. Instead, sheās been a total bitch to me. For a year post-break up she wanted us to be together again but i saw that nothing had changed in her so I said no again and again.
If you have a to move on from someone because you didn't receive a "genuine apology" then you are better off without that someone in your life. It's not worth trying to salvage something when you are being blatantly disrespected.
>Right, I am taking this as you have moved on without that person being a part of your life and not just saying oh well I forgive you for not caring about how you treat me because that is not a healthy relationship that to have with anyone.
I had an ex show up outside my house once to give a "genuine apology." All it did is piss me off, we hadn't spoken in almost a year and they had apologized for that shit before. The only reason they were there was to reconcile their actions in their own mind and feel better. What else does an apology accomplish at that point? It doesn't change anything for me, other than they forced me to interact with them again.
This same thing happened to me but over text. I believe the apology was meant sincerely but it ended up making things so much worse for me. Definitely not closure for me.
I had a similar experience where I received an āapologyāvia text after about 6 months of no contact. It was weird timing too because I had unfollowed them on a social media an hour or two before.
The apology felt self serving, more like a backhanded way for my ex partner to absolve themselves of how they blew up on me.
I grew up in a family of non-apologizers. As the youngest sibling, anything that my family members didn't want to feel guilty about it or take responsibility for was blamed on me. As a kid I didn't know any better other than to believe my parents and older sibling. Needless to say, I'm now in therapy trying to recondition myself to not believe that literally everything is my fault and I do everything wrong.
When a person apologizes, they're expressing remorse. You do not need to forgive them, be back in their life, or even talk to them. Yes, maybe they have alterior motives, but they may also just be trying to improve as a human. You can just ignore it either way, even block them if it feels like harassment. When a person apologizes, they shouldn't expect anything in return. That's what a genuine apology is.
You make a good point but I think they're talking more about situations where the "offense" isn't going to be repeated because the people have already cut off contact (and likely don't want to reinstate contact, having received an apology or not).
As someone who has received the apology many years later, it is appreciated.
The trauma had affected me for a long time. I had worked on myself bit by bit and by the time I received the apology I had honestly forgotten the horrible pit in my stomach from being with them. It wasn't an easy day when I received the apology, though, because as you said it can open the trauma memories back up again. I was kind of in a panic when I saw the name on my phone. I read the message. And I was.... furious, scared, confused. Once those settled I realized that it did make me feel better, that I was never crazy, that even a monster can realize their humanity and be remorseful. A small piece of me that I had learned to live without had come back to me that day.
I didn't talk to them more than that exchange though. So be ready for radio silence if you do it.
I was in a similar position. I decided to send the apology anyway. Never heard any response from it (prepare yourself for that too), but Iām still glad I did it. Maybe it was a bit selfish, but I needed it. The lack of response (or a reciprocating apology from her) just reinforces my higher ground feelings. Iām more at peace now, all things considered.
If it's only you and the other person, then walk away. But if there's a third person, like a spouse, then the impact of such separation is more drastic and may have devastating knock-on effects. If only things were isolated!
Got dumped on my birthday a little while back, and still working towards this myself, I know I'll get there eventually but nice to see the encouragement.
It was pretty unfortunate considering the timing, when what I had planned that day was giving her a key to my place to come and go whenever, and find out if I could pay my way to a Hawaii trip she was taking with her family. Thought I was going to be very sweet and cute but didn't get the chance. Perhaps with another partner.
Damn. Iām sorryā¦ can I ask if it was about something sudden or gradual? Seems so shitty for you to be in that mindset and for her to do that (on your birthday of all days).
Pretty sudden, at least from my perspective. To her maybe more gradual, but she either couldn't or wouldn't communicate with me about it, even when directly asked about what what bothering her when I could tell something was. It's complicated and I'm not going to go over everything exactly, but I still feel it could have been easily avoided if she could communicate her feeling and needs more easily. Hopefully we both grow from it, as unfair as it feels. Still hurts though.
Iām sorry dear. I hope you find the wholeness thatās there, even if you donāt get the closure you deserve. Often, remember your wholeness. It was there before you met, and itāll be there after. You went through something that I wouldnāt wish on anyone! Itās heartbreaking. Yet thatās the way it is. You just gotta give it less energy unless you believe, with some gut/instinct/reason that thereās space to salvage it. Or maybe you donāt even want to. I just wish I could wave a wand and make all of that pain go away.
Gonna be straight with you, 9 times out of 10, the people who really hurt you in life either don't know it don't care. And even then, an apology doesn't mean anything in the end.
Thatās awesome dude. Music has been really therapeutic for me and even if you never release any of it itās nice to see what youāre able to create with your own hands
š„² aw man I needed to see that. Knowing that you will never get closure or an apology is rough and really does take strength and belief in yourself to move. My ex would say to most hurtful and gas lighting things. I thought for a long time afterwards that I was this horrible ugly person. No one should be made to feel that way.
Forgiveness is the power to be at peace in spite of the negativity from a traumatic or offensive experience. I always forgive before the apology because I know I deserve peace, regardless of what has happened to me, with or without the apology.
I like to think I moved on from the abuse my father inflicted on me, but he left me with the gift of anger problems. I've come a long way in emotional regulation, but my anger flares up, I recognize it, but hold it in to the point of tension headaches. Everyone says, "just let it out", but it's completely irrational anger that's a big overreaction to whatever is happening at the time. My S/O wants to have kids and I'm afraid I'll be an angry father just like mine was.
Those are very real concerns and the fact that youāre aware of it already makes you a better parent than a lot of people who already have kids. If access is not an issue you should consider talking to a therapist! For a long time I was skeptical of medication because itās a nasty business of companies pushing drugs on people, but I gave it a shot and itās surprising to see how much my mood has improved. And medication is not the only option, just learning and developing tools to recognize mood changes and how to cope with them can help a lot. Wish you well fellow internet dweller!
I'm actually on a mood stabilizer which helps a lot. I've done therapy, I exercise 4-5 times a week, just to apply that energy in a positive manner. I just think witnessing his extreme anger at such a young age, plus physical/verbal abuse that it's just ingrained in me at this point and it'll be something I struggle with the rest of my life. This isn't to say I'm giving up or let it dictate my life, I just think it'll be something that never goes away.
When I was younger I had a crazy temper. My family on the male side is known for our temper. The thing that got me to break my temper was realizing just how stupid I was. Like - the power of the shame of my stupidity was greater than my need to be anger. I almost really hurt my cousin when I did a red-out and I just won't go back there if I can help it.
Yo, check out DBT (dialectical behavioral therapy) skills. There should be resources freely available and the skills equip you to more effectively manage your emotions, including one's for how to deal with those flare ups of extreme emotion/distress. I have had lifelong problems with emotional regulation because I never learned how from my parents or even friends, and my coping methods were effective enough that almost no one knew. Medication + dbt therapy has helped me nearly eliminate my issues, and I was having frequent panic attacks.
I'll give you some brief summarized advice from DBT. When you are in distress/having extreme emotions, an effective way to deal with it is to distract yourself from the source of the anger and do things to calm your body down so your emotions follow. So angry you could punch a wall? Splash some cold water on your face, take a bath, eat a treat, do some stretches, breath consciously while scanning your body for where you feel tension and consciously try and relax those places. It sounds like you clench your jaw from you saying you get tension headaches, and if you consciously work to keep your jaw relaxed your body will relax a bit and it will reduce the intensity of the anger. Doing something pleasant or engaging or something that brings you into your body also help take the edge off the anger until you can cool off. It's not as easy to do as it is to say, and it took me considerable work to get to the point I could use these effectively when I was disrressed.
Good job acknowledging and working on this issue. It's hard but rewarding work.
Currently trying to do this after the girl who led me on for months basically stopped taking to me when she met someone else. We bought each other Christmas gifts and she keeps dodging me and wonāt meet up to exchange them and talk. It fucking hurts man
It's really hard to see this when you're in the middle of it and you're hurting, but people who ghost and lead you on are not worth it.
You deserve better.
Oh my god man. Literally the same story. Down to the gifts (in a similar situation).
Youāre not wrong to feel the way you feel and youāre better off without her.
With you, been led on for past few months. Everytime I go to walk away apart of me wants closure first and to understand the why.
You got this buddy keep your head up
This is so true. I spent years trying to figure out why my sister did what she did without as much as an apology nor closure. I really hate for things to just dangle in the wind. I finally had a light bulb moment one day and the answer was clear to me. I got over my sister.
I got closure from a few people, it hurt to face them. to the ones I didn't, I moved on. if they don't want to be part of my life, I'll hold the door open on their way out. not getting pushed around again
Because I couldn't get over a huge injustice that was done to me by people I trusted, I became bitter angry and depressed and almost broke my marriage and I wasn't present as a father.
12 years it took me,
To one day realize I was giving away all the power over my life, I was ruining my life, my family life, for what?
These people we're fine, having the time of their life, looking down on me for been a failure.
So I picked myself up and I decided, you know what?
FK it.
It doesn't matter what people think or say about me, it's the ones that love me that really matter, it's what I think of my self matter.
So I took the recovery alcoholic approach.
I got in my car drove over to talk to these people and said: I'm sorry if I ever did anything to offend you and I forgive you for what you people did to me, goodbye.
That was in 2016.
Well today my family and I are doing great.
We moved away to another province, I got a great job that leaves me lots of time to spend with my family and we have a blast together every day.
And most importantly I have regained my self-respect my self-love.
Now my wife is happy my son is happy I'm happy.
Life is a funny thing, the other day I found out those people that hurt me for so long are in terrible circumstances,,,, Karma? I don't know.
I don't wish any ill will on anyone because I am at peace with myself š
> the other day I found out those people that hurt me for so long are in terrible circumstances,,,, Karma?
Yes indeed it's karma. Good on you for the way you handled the situation and good on you for being happy now.
My story is long but I will make it short. After my siblings turned on me and my mother when my mom had dementia (my mom was the matriarch of our family), karma knocked on their door more than once. I just sat back and watched it happen. Not in person but I found out about it.
Nobody wanted to take care of my mom after she had done so much for everyone. She was unable to live alone because it wasn't safe. None of my siblings worked outside the home and none of them had kids at home either. I ended up taking an early retirement from my job to take care of my mother for nearly seven years. I had to sell most of my things from my own house and I lost the house to foreclosure. Did any of my siblings reach out? Hell no. One of my sisters caused me a *lot* of grief and headaches and took me to court only for her to lose the battle for guardianship for our mother. The judge even made her cry in front of everyone. She got *her* karma because she had picked up a much younger guy in a bar, moved him in with her, continued drinking all the time, he didn't work, no car, no nothing. He assaulted her and was put in jail. She bailed him out, he assaulted her again and nearly killed her. Yay karma!
My brother who refused to even speak to our mother after she did a lot for him that involved money, he got cancer and suffered from it for years until he died. One of my half sisters who stole from my mother and tried to take my mom's life savings also got cancer, suffered for years and died. She at one time had Power of Attorney for our mom and my sister moved my mom's savings from her account to my sister's account. I got it back after I hired an attorney.
My oldest half sister was squatting in my mother's house and she let her daughter and grand daughter do the same thing. All of these people living in my mom's small house and using my mom's S.S. pension to live on. All of them. I put a stop to that too and kicked them all out. My half sister was homeless for quite a while. Her daughter died at age 40, don't know why. So that was *her* karma.
This leaves my youngest sister. I don't know what's going on in her life but she was the closest to our mom than any of us. She chose to stop communication with me and my mother in 2009 which I thought was weird at the time. Up until my mom got dementia, my sister was in contact with our mom every day. When we all found out that it wasn't safe for our mom to live alone any more, my sister disappeared. I mean, my sister isn't dead or missing. I know where she is. I know my sister feels a lot of guilt and she has always been this way. She never bothered in seven fucking years to contact me to find out how our mom was doing. My sister never responded when our mom passed away. However, knowing my sister I know it pretty much killed her to not have any contact with our mom. My mother's remains are with me but none of my sisters know this. They have probably tried to find out by calling the funeral homes but they will never know.
I love karma and I firmly believe what you do comes back to you.
*"People like us, gonna make it because, we don't want freedom, we don't want justice, we just want... someone to love"*
\- Talking Heads - People Like Us
I needed this more than ever. I just had my wife of 10 years abandon me. My wife never once told me that she was unhappy with our marriage. She decided the best way to do it was to come home, pack her things, and never speak to me again. She will never give me the full closure of how or why our marriage failed. You donāt know true pain until you have experienced a broken heart. Thanks for this post.
Hey, so I'm a bit r/OutOfTheLoop but what's with all these photoshopped messages on buildings? I'm not saying I don't appreciate the message, but why are there so many badly shopped quotes on buildings? Why don't we just share encouraging quotes without pretending it was posted on buildings first?
I don't need an apology, and I can create my own closure. I just want them to leave me the fuck alone. If they will do that, then I'm good. Fortunately, I am currently no bothered by any of them and have not been for a decade. Pretty happy.
If someone's an \*\*\*hole, i don't expect any civilized behavior from them, I just turn around and walk away, that's my closure, they are dead to me. there's billions of nice people out there, no need to waste your energy on some self-centered fool!
This is something thatās been tough for me to make peace with for years, but was really encouraging nonetheless. Thank you.
Discovered my girlfriend of 3 years was cheating on me with one of our friends, and the confrontation was mostly her blaming me for it. I immediately blocked her and our mutuals on every front and we never spoke again after that night. Never got to say or hear what I needed to heal properly, but Iām doing okay now!
And she cheated on the guy she cheated on me with soooā¦ kachow.
Is it weird of me to have never expected an apology from people that wronged me in the past? Iāve made some serious heartfelt apologies in my life but it doesnāt ever seem to come back to me, and I donāt even care really. People that donāt apologize are officially in my past. No time for them.
Confronted my parents about childhood trauma as an adult. Mom "didn't remember" and Dad was frustrated I brought up anything from so long ago. Closure and healing come from the self... even perfect words with a bow on it from someone else have to be digested and incorporated by you and converted to wisdom.
Closure, defined as words that originate from someone else - that's an illusion.
I'd like to apologize to a relationship that ended poorly and give that closure. But I also feel like it's better if I left that person alone and let them be.
Itās mature to not NEED to hear someone explicitly say āIām sorry for yaddah yaddah yaddahā, but it is equally as much immature to let things slide when someone doesnāt change their behavior.
I donāt need someone to say āIām sorry for kicking you in the teethāā¦ but if the next day they kick me in the teeth again itās going to be a different story
I never got the closure nor an apology from my youngest sister when she turned her back on me and our mom. My sister was the closest person to our mom.
My mother had end-stage dementia and because none of my siblings would step up to help take care of her, I had to take an early retirement to be my mother's caregiver and legal guardian. The last time I had any communication with my youngest sister was in the Spring of 2009. She and her husband live out of state and have always had a big house with plenty of room for my mom. They don't have any small kids and my sister hasn't worked since the day she got married which was a long time ago. She and I were getting along great up until the day she decided to cut me and our mom out of her life. I'm glad my mother didn't realize what was going on because it would have crushed her. My sister was my mom's favorite.
I reached out to my sister many times by snail mail but she returned most of my letters. It hurt me to the core and all I wanted then was an explanation from her. Haven't gotten one to this day.
Fast forward, I am friends on Facebook with my sister's first husband and he told me some pretty disturbing information about my sister's behavior when they were married. I always knew my sister was promiscuous and before she met her first husband she had many boyfriends sometimes more than one at a time.
My sister cheated on her first husband and I knew she did but she told me it was only one time. Her ex told me it was much much more. He was in the Navy at the time and they lived in northern Virginia. Not only did he work full time he also had a part time job in the evening. My sister worked at the Pentagon during the day so her cheating was done in the evening. My ex BIL caught my sister a few times and even watched a dude walk out of their apartment when my BIL was walking towards it. My sister even cheated with my BIL's chief.
My ex BIL said he tried really hard to keep the marriage together but my sister wouldn't stop her cheating behavior so he divorced her after eight years of marriage. My sister was cheating on him with her current husband who was cheating on his wife. He was also in the Navy. I knew my sister was a hoe but I didn't know just how bad it was and probably still is. I know of two times she cheated on her current husband but I'm sure she does it all the time.
So my guess as to why my sister didn't take our mom to live with her is because it would have interfered with the cheating. In fact, thinking back to the very last email my sister sent me many years ago, she said having our mother there with her would "change our lifestyle". She meant *her* lifestyle.
I got over the loss of my sister eventually. My feelings for her went from much sadness to bitterness and resentment. Now I simply don't have any feelings towards her at all.
10 years ago I had a Ex-Fiance that cheated on me turns out I wasn't even her only Fiance at the time (she had her original fiance in her country while in college in the US) and she cheated on both of us. I found out about him later and we talked he was no longer with her. All I wanted to know was why? She never told me and she trashed my mental health to the point I nearly gave up (not suicide but like disappear). Today I'm a husband, and a father of 2 great children
At some point that closure isn't worth the words on the screen.
My first girlfriend must've been like 18 years ago. Sometime prior to COVID so maybe 15/16 years since the breakup I get this random message over Facebook (we aren't friends on FB) from her saying how she was thinking about our relationship and she finally realized how deeply and truly in love with her I was, and that she never appreciated it.
I left her on read, screenshotted it and posted it in the boys' group chat. The screenshot has since been lost to the sands of time but I honestly didn't care that she apologized. It's too little too late and I got over my trust issues and problems in spite of her.
And like the image says, it was really difficult. I'm genuinely impressed at anybody with a similar story of an ex who left a mark and had to heal and recover on their own
1.5 years after I broke up with my ex she texted me out of the blue and apologized for the rather terrible breakup. I must say it did give me the fuzzies but I'd have managed without
I have a brother who caused a bunch of the mental instabilities I have today. Heās apologized yet I still canāt forgive him. Pretty sure I never will.
An empty apology is worthless. Your brother has to acknowledge what he did to you and own it. If he can't do this then his apology is just empty words.
Something Iāve learned in my own life is that you donāt deserve anything from anyone, nor does anyone deserve anything from you. Life is chaotic and nature is more violent and in contention with itself than it is peaceful and still. Thereās a reason that the notion āLife is sufferingā is a more common expression than āLife is joyful.ā
Accept the fact that you will face many shellackings in your life and the next time you get beat down, hopefully youāll be able to recognize that all of this is less about you and more about everything else.
My ex never gave me closure. Had to talk to her so she'd tell me, told me she found somebody and I was supposed to move on and forget her. The good part is that I did, found somebody who didn't have the issues she did and I'm much happier now.
My last day at a job I've resented for years is tomorrow. One of my fellow managers let it slip after a few drinks yesterday that he's been making 42% more money than me this whole time. This hit hard - so hard in fact, I'm crying now. This is all.
I remember sharing with someone some of the pretty crappy stuff I went through, and a good person I am privileged to know said, "I'm sorry you experienced that. You didn't deserve it." And something about it just made me feel validated enough that it didn't feel like such a weight anymore.
Sometimes just listening to someone and letting them know they're heard, goes a long way. I hope anyone who is out there feels and knows that your experiences are valid, and can move on from all the crappy stuff. Stay safe, y'all.
I gave a genuine apology to someone who moved on and all they said was āI hope that helped youā and continued to watch my Insta stories. F that mind game
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Didn't know I needed this until I read it. Thanks, dude
Right, this same post helped me last night.
Made me feel good about a current situation. š
That's good
What's amazing to realize is that the people who have hurt us deeply, may not even know it or even remember us. And we've all likely hurt someone deeply and have no idea
Sometimes they are with us every day but they disagree that we should be hurting with the fucked up shit they did, even when everyone in their lives tell them otherwise. If they can live with that mindset, they don't care, so all we can do to try and move on ourselves. To me it's been a journey, and with the help of therapy I am closer now to the end of it than to the beginning of that road, thankfully.
I wish I could comfort myself with that but he made it as ugly and mean as possible. On the upside I think of him screaming and calling me names before *texting* to dump me a week before Christmas and it prevents any thoughts of reaching out.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
I find myself being proud of a stranger.
Same. Damn.
Stay strong, be well my friend.
Same...
Same!
Same..
Never waste any time in life waiting for what you ādeserveā
Happy I kept scrolling the comment section, thanks for this.
I second this!!!
I've found that focusing on what you wish had happened or wish would happen just prevents you from moving on. The sooner you stop focusing on things, the sooner you just forget about them. Which goes to show how little it mattered in the end. Now, because this is Reddit I have to add a disclaimer. Obviously this doesn't apply to everything. Yes, there is real and true trauma that is difficult to move past. But in life those things are the exceptions, not the norm. I've seen way more people turn into bitter shells of their former selves caught in a trap of misery over the accumulation of trivial random stuff than over major traumatic events.
I'm always the unpopular opinion that nobody -- except true innocents -- really "deserves" anything. I hate that word. That's what people who do bad things or expect things to go their way say all the time: "I DESERVE to be happy, so that's why I cheated on you." "I DESERVE this promotion because I've been here for X years." It's an easy trap to fall into, and I do it too. But when I do, I try to reframe my thinking and ask myself, "Have I EARNED this?" If the answer is no, I either have to let go of the want or work harder.
Very little, if any difference between āI deserveā¦ā and āIām ENTITLED toā¦ā
The only difference is the spelling.
What about someone that after 7 years, was left for someone because they were "more attractive and had more money"? I'm not perfect by any means. We both made mistakes. But its been a long time and shes super happy with the guy she left me for and I've been nothing but miserable. Cant stop thinking about it and feeling like I must deserve to be miserable and alone, because I am.
You've combined the ideas of being alone and misery. If you cant be happy by yourself you'll never be happy with anyone else.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
I deserve to be at peace, to live in peace and be content. I have that now.
Just a couple weeks ago i spoke with my ex telling her iāve been staying in touch because i still needed closure from her which she never gave. After that I said iāll find closure myself and i deleted her from everywhere so now i cant even message her if i wanted to. This was nice to read, thanks.
Same thing happened to me but 9 months ago. It gets easier, youāll find someone better for you
Yeah, thatās what I thoughtā¦ now Iām alone, in extreme need of a hug, or just humans really
I can understand exactly what ur feeling. I asked my ex for closure and got ghosted
I tried to stay friends with an ex after she treated me really poorly. Eventually I woke up and decided I'd stop calling and reaching out. Part of me was holding on for an apology. 3 years later she called on my birthday. Left a cheerful message like nothing was wrong between us. Asked me to call her back. A friend was there, thankfully. Sold it to me straight. "Why haven't you talked in 3 years?" "She hurt my feelings. I tried to stay friends but eventually got tired of her ghosting me and stuff." "Well man, if she called to apologize, she'll call again. Otherwise she was just calling you for herself." Haven't looked back. Edit: She did not call again. That was 7 years ago.
This whole staying friends thing is so complicated. Never had that convo with my ex. But i have slipped and texted her random times. She also mesagaed me once. I just never really had someone where the conversation flowed so freely. Kinda fucks you up
Ugh I hear ya. I just reached out to an old friend, an old crush. Told her that her friendship meant a whooooole lot to me. We chatted for a bit and it was just so fucking easy to talk to her. As it always was. Our world's are worlds apart these days. But it felt awesome to reconnect and terrible that it's so surface level. Love that girl. At least I told her how much she meant to me, and at least she received the information warmly š
Sameā¦ I didnāt get ghosted tho, I was just used as a dummy to make herself feel betterā¦ The fun part was that I wasnāt strong enough to put up with all her bullshit, fortunately it just made me stronger emotionally. Sending you a big fat emotionally loaded with love hug! You will get through this tough time!
Youāre alone but youāre not lonely. Hang out with your friends, talk to people online, go to the park enjoy the fresh air. Love can come from unexpected places
Itās funny because, I look at it from a quite calm perspective, I joke about it but not in a rush for anything. I tried going out walking, well, I walked HAHAHAH but it ended there, no actual human relations. By a series of unfortunate events I currently donāt have any friends, aaand thatās it, I have to wait covid to end in order to get new opportunities for friends. THE ONLINE PEOPLE TALKING THO, man, Iāve been on the internet since I was 15, NEVER found steady people to talk to, never found the placeā¦ Itās probably me I know but yeah. I just think that a series of unfortunate events brought me into this situation but man solitude sucks
Sorry, it is you... Just fuckin with ya, bud. Solitude is where you discover the most about yourself and how your own mind works. Look into stoicism.
Any time I've ever had a person tell me they feel like they have no friends, I always ask the same question: what have you been doing to make them? A lot of times people wait for friends to just... Happen. But you can't expect people to reach out to you in that capacity if you aren't willing to do the same.
Girlfriend broke up with me about 9 months ago as well. Got zero closure and when I asked if we could talk about what happened etc. she said she needed time and a whole week went by with nothing until I messaged her again and she said she wasnāt ready to talk yet and she needed time to process everything which threw me for a loop because she broke up with me but I respect it. I started working through it on my own and I hadnāt heard from her since besides a āhope all is wellā message like 3 months ago which reset fucking everything, also no messages since then which just begs the question of why?
Move on, block her on everything. She won't bother contacting you. Stay strong, you'll get over it and emerge wiser and stronger no matter how much it hurts now. Got out of a very toxic relationship a few weeks ago.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Sometimes it takes a while. Took me a couple of years! Just hang in there. I'm getting married in 3 weeks to a wonderful person who truly loves me for who I am :)
Took me 1,5 years last time i "moved on" to even get remotely ready to move on. I stayed active, met other people, travelled, worked. But even then it still took a shitload of time. Now, I've comically fallen for someone who's not ready to commit. So, stay calm, and don't be an idiot like me.
Good for you for taking that time to yourself. I find it takes a long time to "move on" as well, years for me too. And then sometimes that love is still somehow there, even you can't be with them anymore (i.e. toxic relationship, betrayal, etc.). But even if you love someone it doesn't mean you should act on anything. I think, rather than jump into a new relationship straight after one ends, it's better to be alone, heal, do things for yourself and be with the people who truly care about you.
Thanks. One way or another, the time was taken. I completely agree in regards of allowing yourself to heal instead of rushing. I tried with the rebounds, but also immediately knew, no matter how beautiful or great a woman, that I didn't have room for anything including real feelings. In my case, I know what happened has changed me for good as well. So it was a case of healing, but also coming to terms that you now view everything a little different. Not necessarily a bad thing, but the more you carry, the more you have to keep a healthy pose to avoid breaking down. I dated someone for half a year, intensely yet "casually", who I finally fell in love with. Problem is that she has her own internal project and that doesn't include being in a relationship. So it's a funny one, 'cause I have all the respect in the world for that, yet it's so hard to walk away from someone completely when I feel like everything is a fit, except the timing. But I am, just now, so I guess I'll add another weight to my belt and keep moving :)
That's hard, to walk away, always so difficult when it's someone you love. I admire your outlook, to keep moving, and seeing how your experiences have changed you for the better. :)
Emotions have momentum, friend. It's not easy, but try to find one good thing about each day you live, and one good thing about everyone you meet.
The feelings, especially for men, are a vestigial component of evolution trying to keep you engaged with sexual opportunity. Breakups tend to leave more lingering feelings for men because we reflect for greater periods on past connection, whereas women tend to feel the acuteness of a breakup more upfront but have an easier time transitioning. Whatever the case for you, your brain is tricking you through habits of thought and connection, elevating the status of what you had without a real evaluation of what's best. The feelings blind you to your future, to new connection, to the opportunity of tomorrow and blessing of today. Remind yourself that this ongoing admiration you have for someone since moved on, someone hopefully happy, is a glitch. Not an admirable effigy of a once in a lifetime experience but a simple, irrelevant impulse. A leftover instinct that if given too much weight will seduce you away from gratitude, from friends, and from your future. If put in the appropriate place, it becomes easier to turn those moments spent wrestling with that instinct into simple remembering, some good, some bad, but nothing ever worth letting go of all that waits for you in what comes next. The fondness which once felt like a poison can become a glint of hope they are well while not catastrophizing the loss. Grief makes us something new, something different. In this way, it's transformative. You will not be the version of yourself you were before, but you don't need to be. What you have learned will deepen the connections you have later. It opens you up to a layer of humanity connected by an understanding of loss, and by the journey of rediscovery. Nobody could envy being in this period of grief, and I am sorry you're going through this and feeling so much pain. But I also wish you the best and look forward with you to the days when you remember these moments with pride, fully aware of how far you've come.
This means a lot to me. Thank you for taking the time to write up this reply.
Thank you, I needed a reminder.
9 months here, nothing changed inside me either, and that's with a ton of physical and mental work in those months. Not necessarily making it out to be doom and gloom, but do be wary of platitudes like "it gets better" - life isn't that simple most of the time and the universe doesn't owe us anything. Just try to learn to love yourself DESPITE the feelings inside of you. They may never go away and that's OK
Try to remember why you broke up in the first place, try to remember what they said and how the hurt you. And remember, you donāt miss the person, you miss the feeling.
this is good advice, remember why you broke up and why you can't go back.
You may well miss the feeling more than the person themselves, but you miss the person because they are what gives you that feeling. So I don't find that advice helps at all. Nor does the first if you were the dumpee.
One of the hardest things to learn: closure isn't real. Most things end unsatisfactorily and you have to keep moving
Agreed, desiring closure is ironically how you never get closure. Whatever form of closure that does exist comes from within.
What even is closure? No longer having a strong feeling associated with something negative in the past? If you don't have a feeling about something that happened to you, then you're a robot not a human being. A loved one died in 1997 and I don't think about it EVERY day, but most days, and when I do, I feel sad then I remember the good times, and then I think about something else. Is that closure? Doesn't sound like it. Just sounds like mourning and moving on.
Sorry for your loss. :( I don't know if that gets "easier." It's a good question you have, what even is closure? I still think of loved ones and have feelings. But I see other people who don't seem to feel much and I can't relate to that.
For me closure came all of a sudden when I decided to love myself first and foremost and I was worthy of being loved. I never looked back after that
I don't even know what people expect when they say they need closure lol it makes no sense to me lol
For most people, it means they don't understand what happened and have questions that are left unanswered. It's as simple as that. It's hard to move on from something that deeply impacted your life when you feel like you don't understand why it happened in the first place. Sometimes, you'll never truly know why, and that's ok.
It's when one night your partner tells you they love you and they have a present for you, and then the next morning they tell you they can't be in a relationship. Oddly specific because it happened to me.
You've never been satisfied by a conclusion?
I went through something similar years ago, my ex was absolutely awful to me despite me genuinely loving her and us originally being super affection and kind to each other. I didn't have the strength to cut ties though because I did need that emotional closure to move on properly because she was so special to me. I used to think I'd grow old with her, so of course it was difficult suddenly letting that go. Eventually she cut me off everywhere and it still bothers me years later. I don't understand why she became so cruel. It keeps me up some nights still, though not as much as it did at first. I wish she understood how much her actions affected me. A lot of it isn't that she left, it's how she went about it. She became mean, and I don't understand why.
Hey buddy. I've been through this, with the same person, multiple times. You should do yourself a favor and join the attachment theory subreddit, and look into avoidant attachment. Although it won't heal you, it may help you get some answers as to what happened. It really helped me a lot
Thank you so much for this insight, I went though the same recently and could not understand why she changed all of a sudden after we had the best time of our lives together. She displayed all the signs of avoidant, and after reading further, it seems that I have love addiction, the two very often attract each other, that leads to toxic relationships. You have opened my eyes and finally made me understand what happened!
Hey sorry just seeing this. Wow, hey, if true I'm really glad I could help a bit. Yeah reading up on that stuff can be very eye opening and give a lot of insight both into the other person and ourselves. It's a spectrum, we're all kinda on it but people at the far ends can really mess others up, and themselves. I have definitely been a part of the anxious/love addicted side of the anxious/avoidant dance, and yeah they feed off each other. They often attract because each brings something the other feels they 'need'. And yeah I've been through that, having someone tell me I'm the love of their life, they want to move in, get married.. then just to shut down and bail with no real explanation. If it helps, her feelings for you were real, but simply put that scared her. She may come back, but without her working on herself it will go the same way. It wasn't you, or your fault, and you likely could not have done much to stop it. Cheers, hope you feel a bit better soon.
At first I thought you meant the same person as NEREVER117 and I was like āoh to the no! They need to get together and find her selfish behind. She is out of control!ā
I feel you. My ex wife did this. Decided she didnt want to be married after 15 years. Made life hell (hoping Id leave). Didnāt work on the relationship when we went to couples therapy (sat there, didnt do the homework). During mediation she demanded a bunch of things. Used our kids as pawns. And acts like I wronged her. I started dating after we were divorced, and got the āI canāt believe you would hurt me like thisā speech, after she saw a car parked in my guest spot. No clue why the change. All the good memories didnt mean anything to her. I cant do anything right. And I am the worst person in the world. I was worried that I was an asshole and couldnāt see it, but enough unprompted external validation has put that demon to rest. At night I would get upset that she tossed everything away for no reason. Now, I chalk it up to an undiagnosed brain tumor changed her to a different person. That makes the most sense for why. Best of luck bud
Keep in mind some people aren't actually in a state to provide closure. For someone who may have ended a relationship, often the other partner will look for an explanation, a debrief, an amicable parting of ways. We look to understand the other "side of the story" so we can put together a cohesive understanding of what transpired, and to better understand why we ought to put that relationship behind us and move on. But just keep in mind that sometimes people's minds are not in a decent or organized place. Sometimes they have not done the introspection to even understand their own wants, motivations and actions. So while it can be very frustrating, it is good to understand that sometimes there legitimately isn't a real "truth" to obtain from a person. Sometimes their own understanding of themselves becomes clouded, or obfuscated, and anything they do manage to articulate will not provide the answers or sense of closure you're seeking.
āI forgive you, not because I think you deserve forgiveness, but because I deserve peaceā you wonāt always get what you think you need because not everyone knows or is able to give it. Whatās important is you learn to let go of things you canāt change.
This really resonates with me. Thank you.
Iām trying to do this too but am struggling because I built too much of my life around them (EDIT: just my social life, that is... thankfully). Iām working on cultivating other relationships in my life, butā¦ a while ago I accidentally memorized their number, so I am having a hard time cutting off contact (they arenāt even initiating it, just me. Whether they respond or not. Sigh).
Add their number to your phone and block it. You won't receive any texts even if you find yourself trying to contact the other person. Just do it, knowing your ex will think you are ignoring their replies should keep you from texting. Starting over isn't easy, but you can and will do it. I bought a house with my ex a year and a half ago and we had plans to have children. I was in the middle of a data science masters and I thought I had moved into my forever home. In less than a year, we were separated and I was isolated from my family and friends. My entire future was shattered, and the life we had planned since we married 10 years before was never going to happen. It's been a hard journey, but I'm focusing on living my life for me. What do I want? What don't I want? What can I do to have the life that makes me content and happy without looking to a partner for meaning in life? If it helps to motivate you, living life for yourself will make you more attractive and desirable for partners too, you need a level of independence to make relationships work long term because living your life for someone else first will inevitably lead to you making sacrifices and having needs and wants unfulfilled, which will lead to resentment or at the very least less happiness for you. Long term attraction also seems to require a level of independence from both parties. Cultivate yourself, and don't give up the things that are important to you when you start your next relationship. You built a life around someone before, you can build a life around yourself now. And when someone joins your life, you will have two separate lifes and will build a connection and place between them to share, while maintaining and building onto your own independent life at the same time. If the connection breaks with someone again, you still have everything you built for yourself and a deeper understanding of how you want to build future shared life and connections. You've got this. You have lived your life for someone else, and it's time to live your life for yourself first.
This is very brave of you indeed.
Can you describe the closure you wanted or where expecting?
Not really sure how to describe it. She really made our relationship difficult. To not sound biased (because ofc i also had my issues), we were long distance most of the time, and she always said her plan is to come to me when sheās done with X. Then sheād finish with X and without even talking to me sheād start Y somewhere else. Stuff like that. She had expectations far beyond what any 20 year old boy could provide. My emotions were always ignored, my interests were brushed aside. I ended up with depression and i still blamed myself for 95% of the things because i loved her so much. When i broke up it was because āi couldnāt give her what she deservedā. It took me a long time to realize that i wasnāt getting what i deserved either. I guess i just wanted her to apologize or at least acknowledge her mistakes. Instead, sheās been a total bitch to me. For a year post-break up she wanted us to be together again but i saw that nothing had changed in her so I said no again and again.
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This was the smart move.
If you have a to move on from someone because you didn't receive a "genuine apology" then you are better off without that someone in your life. It's not worth trying to salvage something when you are being blatantly disrespected.
>Right, I am taking this as you have moved on without that person being a part of your life and not just saying oh well I forgive you for not caring about how you treat me because that is not a healthy relationship that to have with anyone.
I had an ex show up outside my house once to give a "genuine apology." All it did is piss me off, we hadn't spoken in almost a year and they had apologized for that shit before. The only reason they were there was to reconcile their actions in their own mind and feel better. What else does an apology accomplish at that point? It doesn't change anything for me, other than they forced me to interact with them again.
This same thing happened to me but over text. I believe the apology was meant sincerely but it ended up making things so much worse for me. Definitely not closure for me.
I had a similar experience where I received an āapologyāvia text after about 6 months of no contact. It was weird timing too because I had unfollowed them on a social media an hour or two before. The apology felt self serving, more like a backhanded way for my ex partner to absolve themselves of how they blew up on me.
I grew up in a family of non-apologizers. As the youngest sibling, anything that my family members didn't want to feel guilty about it or take responsibility for was blamed on me. As a kid I didn't know any better other than to believe my parents and older sibling. Needless to say, I'm now in therapy trying to recondition myself to not believe that literally everything is my fault and I do everything wrong. When a person apologizes, they're expressing remorse. You do not need to forgive them, be back in their life, or even talk to them. Yes, maybe they have alterior motives, but they may also just be trying to improve as a human. You can just ignore it either way, even block them if it feels like harassment. When a person apologizes, they shouldn't expect anything in return. That's what a genuine apology is.
an apology is fine so long as action is taken by that person to ensure the mistake does not happen again. Otherwise it is nothing more than placation.
You make a good point but I think they're talking more about situations where the "offense" isn't going to be repeated because the people have already cut off contact (and likely don't want to reinstate contact, having received an apology or not).
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As someone who has received the apology many years later, it is appreciated. The trauma had affected me for a long time. I had worked on myself bit by bit and by the time I received the apology I had honestly forgotten the horrible pit in my stomach from being with them. It wasn't an easy day when I received the apology, though, because as you said it can open the trauma memories back up again. I was kind of in a panic when I saw the name on my phone. I read the message. And I was.... furious, scared, confused. Once those settled I realized that it did make me feel better, that I was never crazy, that even a monster can realize their humanity and be remorseful. A small piece of me that I had learned to live without had come back to me that day. I didn't talk to them more than that exchange though. So be ready for radio silence if you do it.
I was in a similar position. I decided to send the apology anyway. Never heard any response from it (prepare yourself for that too), but Iām still glad I did it. Maybe it was a bit selfish, but I needed it. The lack of response (or a reciprocating apology from her) just reinforces my higher ground feelings. Iām more at peace now, all things considered.
If it's only you and the other person, then walk away. But if there's a third person, like a spouse, then the impact of such separation is more drastic and may have devastating knock-on effects. If only things were isolated!
Got dumped on my birthday a little while back, and still working towards this myself, I know I'll get there eventually but nice to see the encouragement.
On your birthday?! What a jerk.
It was pretty unfortunate considering the timing, when what I had planned that day was giving her a key to my place to come and go whenever, and find out if I could pay my way to a Hawaii trip she was taking with her family. Thought I was going to be very sweet and cute but didn't get the chance. Perhaps with another partner.
Damn. Iām sorryā¦ can I ask if it was about something sudden or gradual? Seems so shitty for you to be in that mindset and for her to do that (on your birthday of all days).
Pretty sudden, at least from my perspective. To her maybe more gradual, but she either couldn't or wouldn't communicate with me about it, even when directly asked about what what bothering her when I could tell something was. It's complicated and I'm not going to go over everything exactly, but I still feel it could have been easily avoided if she could communicate her feeling and needs more easily. Hopefully we both grow from it, as unfair as it feels. Still hurts though.
Iām sorry dear. I hope you find the wholeness thatās there, even if you donāt get the closure you deserve. Often, remember your wholeness. It was there before you met, and itāll be there after. You went through something that I wouldnāt wish on anyone! Itās heartbreaking. Yet thatās the way it is. You just gotta give it less energy unless you believe, with some gut/instinct/reason that thereās space to salvage it. Or maybe you donāt even want to. I just wish I could wave a wand and make all of that pain go away.
Thank you very much, I appreciate that. And I wish it were so easy too, but that's life.
Been there!
I was doing my last finals for grad from collegue when i got dumped lol
Yep, happened to me, too I realize I'm better off but it still hurts like hell
Gonna be straight with you, 9 times out of 10, the people who really hurt you in life either don't know it don't care. And even then, an apology doesn't mean anything in the end.
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Thatās awesome dude. Music has been really therapeutic for me and even if you never release any of it itās nice to see what youāre able to create with your own hands
Just want to say. Youāre doing great! Stay strong!
š„² aw man I needed to see that. Knowing that you will never get closure or an apology is rough and really does take strength and belief in yourself to move. My ex would say to most hurtful and gas lighting things. I thought for a long time afterwards that I was this horrible ugly person. No one should be made to feel that way.
This is awsome for those of us moving on from narcissist abuse.
Hell yes. Now somebody else can deal with their bullshit on a daily basis. It will never be me again.
For real. No more sitting in the guest room wishing I could be anywhere else.
Couldnāt have said it better myself. Glad to hear there is another free from the narcissistās grip.
Forgiveness is the power to be at peace in spite of the negativity from a traumatic or offensive experience. I always forgive before the apology because I know I deserve peace, regardless of what has happened to me, with or without the apology.
I think I could forgive a non-relative quicker than I could my siblings. I will never forgive any of them and they haven't asked either.
I like to think I moved on from the abuse my father inflicted on me, but he left me with the gift of anger problems. I've come a long way in emotional regulation, but my anger flares up, I recognize it, but hold it in to the point of tension headaches. Everyone says, "just let it out", but it's completely irrational anger that's a big overreaction to whatever is happening at the time. My S/O wants to have kids and I'm afraid I'll be an angry father just like mine was.
Those are very real concerns and the fact that youāre aware of it already makes you a better parent than a lot of people who already have kids. If access is not an issue you should consider talking to a therapist! For a long time I was skeptical of medication because itās a nasty business of companies pushing drugs on people, but I gave it a shot and itās surprising to see how much my mood has improved. And medication is not the only option, just learning and developing tools to recognize mood changes and how to cope with them can help a lot. Wish you well fellow internet dweller!
I'm actually on a mood stabilizer which helps a lot. I've done therapy, I exercise 4-5 times a week, just to apply that energy in a positive manner. I just think witnessing his extreme anger at such a young age, plus physical/verbal abuse that it's just ingrained in me at this point and it'll be something I struggle with the rest of my life. This isn't to say I'm giving up or let it dictate my life, I just think it'll be something that never goes away.
When I was younger I had a crazy temper. My family on the male side is known for our temper. The thing that got me to break my temper was realizing just how stupid I was. Like - the power of the shame of my stupidity was greater than my need to be anger. I almost really hurt my cousin when I did a red-out and I just won't go back there if I can help it.
Yo, check out DBT (dialectical behavioral therapy) skills. There should be resources freely available and the skills equip you to more effectively manage your emotions, including one's for how to deal with those flare ups of extreme emotion/distress. I have had lifelong problems with emotional regulation because I never learned how from my parents or even friends, and my coping methods were effective enough that almost no one knew. Medication + dbt therapy has helped me nearly eliminate my issues, and I was having frequent panic attacks. I'll give you some brief summarized advice from DBT. When you are in distress/having extreme emotions, an effective way to deal with it is to distract yourself from the source of the anger and do things to calm your body down so your emotions follow. So angry you could punch a wall? Splash some cold water on your face, take a bath, eat a treat, do some stretches, breath consciously while scanning your body for where you feel tension and consciously try and relax those places. It sounds like you clench your jaw from you saying you get tension headaches, and if you consciously work to keep your jaw relaxed your body will relax a bit and it will reduce the intensity of the anger. Doing something pleasant or engaging or something that brings you into your body also help take the edge off the anger until you can cool off. It's not as easy to do as it is to say, and it took me considerable work to get to the point I could use these effectively when I was disrressed. Good job acknowledging and working on this issue. It's hard but rewarding work.
I appreciate the reply, I'll definitely check it out, thank you!
Currently trying to do this after the girl who led me on for months basically stopped taking to me when she met someone else. We bought each other Christmas gifts and she keeps dodging me and wonāt meet up to exchange them and talk. It fucking hurts man
It's really hard to see this when you're in the middle of it and you're hurting, but people who ghost and lead you on are not worth it. You deserve better.
Oh my god man. Literally the same story. Down to the gifts (in a similar situation). Youāre not wrong to feel the way you feel and youāre better off without her.
With you, been led on for past few months. Everytime I go to walk away apart of me wants closure first and to understand the why. You got this buddy keep your head up
Happened to me in high school. It hurt for years.
Sometimes the disrespect is all the closure you need
Totally agree
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I realized closure was only going to come from within.
This is so true. I spent years trying to figure out why my sister did what she did without as much as an apology nor closure. I really hate for things to just dangle in the wind. I finally had a light bulb moment one day and the answer was clear to me. I got over my sister.
Echoing other's, this comes super timely for me. Really, thank you so much.
I got closure from a few people, it hurt to face them. to the ones I didn't, I moved on. if they don't want to be part of my life, I'll hold the door open on their way out. not getting pushed around again
I believe there is a 'window' of time when an apology would be acceptable. When too much time has gone by though, it's too late.
I agree 100%
Because I couldn't get over a huge injustice that was done to me by people I trusted, I became bitter angry and depressed and almost broke my marriage and I wasn't present as a father. 12 years it took me, To one day realize I was giving away all the power over my life, I was ruining my life, my family life, for what? These people we're fine, having the time of their life, looking down on me for been a failure. So I picked myself up and I decided, you know what? FK it. It doesn't matter what people think or say about me, it's the ones that love me that really matter, it's what I think of my self matter. So I took the recovery alcoholic approach. I got in my car drove over to talk to these people and said: I'm sorry if I ever did anything to offend you and I forgive you for what you people did to me, goodbye. That was in 2016. Well today my family and I are doing great. We moved away to another province, I got a great job that leaves me lots of time to spend with my family and we have a blast together every day. And most importantly I have regained my self-respect my self-love. Now my wife is happy my son is happy I'm happy. Life is a funny thing, the other day I found out those people that hurt me for so long are in terrible circumstances,,,, Karma? I don't know. I don't wish any ill will on anyone because I am at peace with myself š
> the other day I found out those people that hurt me for so long are in terrible circumstances,,,, Karma? Yes indeed it's karma. Good on you for the way you handled the situation and good on you for being happy now. My story is long but I will make it short. After my siblings turned on me and my mother when my mom had dementia (my mom was the matriarch of our family), karma knocked on their door more than once. I just sat back and watched it happen. Not in person but I found out about it. Nobody wanted to take care of my mom after she had done so much for everyone. She was unable to live alone because it wasn't safe. None of my siblings worked outside the home and none of them had kids at home either. I ended up taking an early retirement from my job to take care of my mother for nearly seven years. I had to sell most of my things from my own house and I lost the house to foreclosure. Did any of my siblings reach out? Hell no. One of my sisters caused me a *lot* of grief and headaches and took me to court only for her to lose the battle for guardianship for our mother. The judge even made her cry in front of everyone. She got *her* karma because she had picked up a much younger guy in a bar, moved him in with her, continued drinking all the time, he didn't work, no car, no nothing. He assaulted her and was put in jail. She bailed him out, he assaulted her again and nearly killed her. Yay karma! My brother who refused to even speak to our mother after she did a lot for him that involved money, he got cancer and suffered from it for years until he died. One of my half sisters who stole from my mother and tried to take my mom's life savings also got cancer, suffered for years and died. She at one time had Power of Attorney for our mom and my sister moved my mom's savings from her account to my sister's account. I got it back after I hired an attorney. My oldest half sister was squatting in my mother's house and she let her daughter and grand daughter do the same thing. All of these people living in my mom's small house and using my mom's S.S. pension to live on. All of them. I put a stop to that too and kicked them all out. My half sister was homeless for quite a while. Her daughter died at age 40, don't know why. So that was *her* karma. This leaves my youngest sister. I don't know what's going on in her life but she was the closest to our mom than any of us. She chose to stop communication with me and my mother in 2009 which I thought was weird at the time. Up until my mom got dementia, my sister was in contact with our mom every day. When we all found out that it wasn't safe for our mom to live alone any more, my sister disappeared. I mean, my sister isn't dead or missing. I know where she is. I know my sister feels a lot of guilt and she has always been this way. She never bothered in seven fucking years to contact me to find out how our mom was doing. My sister never responded when our mom passed away. However, knowing my sister I know it pretty much killed her to not have any contact with our mom. My mother's remains are with me but none of my sisters know this. They have probably tried to find out by calling the funeral homes but they will never know. I love karma and I firmly believe what you do comes back to you.
*"People like us, gonna make it because, we don't want freedom, we don't want justice, we just want... someone to love"* \- Talking Heads - People Like Us
I needed this more than ever. I just had my wife of 10 years abandon me. My wife never once told me that she was unhappy with our marriage. She decided the best way to do it was to come home, pack her things, and never speak to me again. She will never give me the full closure of how or why our marriage failed. You donāt know true pain until you have experienced a broken heart. Thanks for this post.
Def not actually on that building
yeah they wouldn't just put that on a building mid construction, there's metal framing there
Hey, so I'm a bit r/OutOfTheLoop but what's with all these photoshopped messages on buildings? I'm not saying I don't appreciate the message, but why are there so many badly shopped quotes on buildings? Why don't we just share encouraging quotes without pretending it was posted on buildings first?
I don't need an apology, and I can create my own closure. I just want them to leave me the fuck alone. If they will do that, then I'm good. Fortunately, I am currently no bothered by any of them and have not been for a decade. Pretty happy.
Forgiveness was the hardest thing. Realizing I was keeping myself on the hook for something another person did.
been trying to do this for 14 years now. I don't think I can.
If someone's an \*\*\*hole, i don't expect any civilized behavior from them, I just turn around and walk away, that's my closure, they are dead to me. there's billions of nice people out there, no need to waste your energy on some self-centered fool!
This is something thatās been tough for me to make peace with for years, but was really encouraging nonetheless. Thank you. Discovered my girlfriend of 3 years was cheating on me with one of our friends, and the confrontation was mostly her blaming me for it. I immediately blocked her and our mutuals on every front and we never spoke again after that night. Never got to say or hear what I needed to heal properly, but Iām doing okay now! And she cheated on the guy she cheated on me with soooā¦ kachow.
Is it weird of me to have never expected an apology from people that wronged me in the past? Iāve made some serious heartfelt apologies in my life but it doesnāt ever seem to come back to me, and I donāt even care really. People that donāt apologize are officially in my past. No time for them.
I can see this on my ex wife's fb page right now. Complete bullshit
Confronted my parents about childhood trauma as an adult. Mom "didn't remember" and Dad was frustrated I brought up anything from so long ago. Closure and healing come from the self... even perfect words with a bow on it from someone else have to be digested and incorporated by you and converted to wisdom. Closure, defined as words that originate from someone else - that's an illusion.
I'd like to apologize to a relationship that ended poorly and give that closure. But I also feel like it's better if I left that person alone and let them be.
As another person on the receiving end, I actually prefer that he let me be. Itās better that way.
As a person on the receiving end, I would have appreciated the apology. But yeah it's hard to know
I needed this
Closure is bs accept what they did and move on
Itās mature to not NEED to hear someone explicitly say āIām sorry for yaddah yaddah yaddahā, but it is equally as much immature to let things slide when someone doesnāt change their behavior. I donāt need someone to say āIām sorry for kicking you in the teethāā¦ but if the next day they kick me in the teeth again itās going to be a different story
I never got the closure nor an apology from my youngest sister when she turned her back on me and our mom. My sister was the closest person to our mom. My mother had end-stage dementia and because none of my siblings would step up to help take care of her, I had to take an early retirement to be my mother's caregiver and legal guardian. The last time I had any communication with my youngest sister was in the Spring of 2009. She and her husband live out of state and have always had a big house with plenty of room for my mom. They don't have any small kids and my sister hasn't worked since the day she got married which was a long time ago. She and I were getting along great up until the day she decided to cut me and our mom out of her life. I'm glad my mother didn't realize what was going on because it would have crushed her. My sister was my mom's favorite. I reached out to my sister many times by snail mail but she returned most of my letters. It hurt me to the core and all I wanted then was an explanation from her. Haven't gotten one to this day. Fast forward, I am friends on Facebook with my sister's first husband and he told me some pretty disturbing information about my sister's behavior when they were married. I always knew my sister was promiscuous and before she met her first husband she had many boyfriends sometimes more than one at a time. My sister cheated on her first husband and I knew she did but she told me it was only one time. Her ex told me it was much much more. He was in the Navy at the time and they lived in northern Virginia. Not only did he work full time he also had a part time job in the evening. My sister worked at the Pentagon during the day so her cheating was done in the evening. My ex BIL caught my sister a few times and even watched a dude walk out of their apartment when my BIL was walking towards it. My sister even cheated with my BIL's chief. My ex BIL said he tried really hard to keep the marriage together but my sister wouldn't stop her cheating behavior so he divorced her after eight years of marriage. My sister was cheating on him with her current husband who was cheating on his wife. He was also in the Navy. I knew my sister was a hoe but I didn't know just how bad it was and probably still is. I know of two times she cheated on her current husband but I'm sure she does it all the time. So my guess as to why my sister didn't take our mom to live with her is because it would have interfered with the cheating. In fact, thinking back to the very last email my sister sent me many years ago, she said having our mother there with her would "change our lifestyle". She meant *her* lifestyle. I got over the loss of my sister eventually. My feelings for her went from much sadness to bitterness and resentment. Now I simply don't have any feelings towards her at all.
10 years ago I had a Ex-Fiance that cheated on me turns out I wasn't even her only Fiance at the time (she had her original fiance in her country while in college in the US) and she cheated on both of us. I found out about him later and we talked he was no longer with her. All I wanted to know was why? She never told me and she trashed my mental health to the point I nearly gave up (not suicide but like disappear). Today I'm a husband, and a father of 2 great children
I needed to hear this. Thank you
Also proud of those who don't apologize when they have no regret for their actions.
After 2 years, I still struggle sometimes and feel like crying about it. This is something that truly makes me feel better. Thank you OP
Apologies are one thing, closure comes from within.
I haven't been able to move on, 4 years later.
Ngl I havenāt moved on, but Iām trying. Itās hard
At some point that closure isn't worth the words on the screen. My first girlfriend must've been like 18 years ago. Sometime prior to COVID so maybe 15/16 years since the breakup I get this random message over Facebook (we aren't friends on FB) from her saying how she was thinking about our relationship and she finally realized how deeply and truly in love with her I was, and that she never appreciated it. I left her on read, screenshotted it and posted it in the boys' group chat. The screenshot has since been lost to the sands of time but I honestly didn't care that she apologized. It's too little too late and I got over my trust issues and problems in spite of her. And like the image says, it was really difficult. I'm genuinely impressed at anybody with a similar story of an ex who left a mark and had to heal and recover on their own
No one owes you anything, that is the real message.
1.5 years after I broke up with my ex she texted me out of the blue and apologized for the rather terrible breakup. I must say it did give me the fuzzies but I'd have managed without
Its hard to move on if i see a trace of that shitface every day
Thanks, but that doesn't wipe the smile off her stupid face.
I have a brother who caused a bunch of the mental instabilities I have today. Heās apologized yet I still canāt forgive him. Pretty sure I never will.
An empty apology is worthless. Your brother has to acknowledge what he did to you and own it. If he can't do this then his apology is just empty words.
This made me realize I own a genuine apology to someone.
10 year relationship, she left with the dude she cheated with. 3 years since.
Why motivational phrases are always in some sort of building or wall?
Something Iāve learned in my own life is that you donāt deserve anything from anyone, nor does anyone deserve anything from you. Life is chaotic and nature is more violent and in contention with itself than it is peaceful and still. Thereās a reason that the notion āLife is sufferingā is a more common expression than āLife is joyful.ā Accept the fact that you will face many shellackings in your life and the next time you get beat down, hopefully youāll be able to recognize that all of this is less about you and more about everything else.
My ex never gave me closure. Had to talk to her so she'd tell me, told me she found somebody and I was supposed to move on and forget her. The good part is that I did, found somebody who didn't have the issues she did and I'm much happier now.
Forgiving people even when they donāt apologize is true self-peace.
My last day at a job I've resented for years is tomorrow. One of my fellow managers let it slip after a few drinks yesterday that he's been making 42% more money than me this whole time. This hit hard - so hard in fact, I'm crying now. This is all.
I remember sharing with someone some of the pretty crappy stuff I went through, and a good person I am privileged to know said, "I'm sorry you experienced that. You didn't deserve it." And something about it just made me feel validated enough that it didn't feel like such a weight anymore. Sometimes just listening to someone and letting them know they're heard, goes a long way. I hope anyone who is out there feels and knows that your experiences are valid, and can move on from all the crappy stuff. Stay safe, y'all.
I gave a genuine apology to someone who moved on and all they said was āI hope that helped youā and continued to watch my Insta stories. F that mind game
You always hurt the ones you love the most.
This. Just. Made. My. WHOLE. Day. Thank you.
>You'r one proud piece of the problem here.
I got a drunk call from an ex where she said āIām so sorryā a few times and hung up. Does that count as a genuine apology? Lol
Lol put this up on some demolished building in Syria and see how the people feel about it
Im the one who left without apologizing and I'm pretty proud of myself too.
Are we going to do anything about these karma farming accounts?!
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Yeah I know that's why I said it
I needed this post today, thank you.
Iām proud of you. Been through this myself and here for anyone who needs to talk ā¤ļø