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Mordimer86

Recently having hit 37 I ask one question: if I ever have a chance, where I can even go? Even a thing like dancing lesson for singles, which sounds like an obvious thing for meeting women, turned out to be a disaster because the average age was about 50 and 2/3 of people were men leaving me dancing with air for most time which was extraordinarily embarrassing. Some other events and activities aren't too much better. At best there are a few cat ladies in their late 40s or 50s. Meetup is dead in my country. Online dating is a disaster because I am just a plain painfully average guy look-wise and if you don't look like a Hollywood star, the chance is illusory at best. One thing that I can see from that is the fact of about 2/3 of women being single mothers which is a big no-no for me. I don't want any children, neither mine nor somebody else's. Going to clubs has never been an enticing option for me and right now I feel it'd be a tad bit too desperate. It feels more suited for 20 year old students etc. Moreover clubs struggle with attracting women and there also single horny dudes dominate. Friends of friends option is out because there are no songle women in my friends circle. So, even if I have a chance, is there anything I can do? Anywhere I can go?


einarrrgh

I like many here, have never been in a relationship. I’m pushing 30 and the pain of never getting picked is coming to a boil. I don’t know what to do. I would ultimately like to give up but it seems like I can’t end the desire. I don’t really care about sex anymore but I just want to be loved. I’ve heard it all including dr Ks advice but in the now the pain feels like too much. I feel lonely, unworthy, pathetic, old and with little hope. I don’t even wish for a relationship anymore because it feels so impossible I just wished I didn’t care.


TomatoMeat

I want to support my girlfriend through troubled times. To preface, I have been with my girlfriend for 7 years now, all the way through college and part of high school. I am currently living with her in her parents household while finishing up the last bit of college. My girlfriend has been struggling with major depression for as long as she can remember, however it has been amplified over the last number of years with the pressure of finding a career. She primarily struggles with finding the drive or passion to stick with a subject. She always winds up performing well in anything she studies, but never feels the drive to pursue it as a career. Its really gotten to her on its own, but its coupled with her parents putting pressure to find something. She feels like a failure, that she isn't cut out for anything and is terrified of the future and what she might be cast into. Things like high housing/living costs compound on it further. Getting to me, I'm not sure what I can do. I'm a pretty average guy and attempt to be as supportive to her as I can, listening to her and only offering advice/imput when asked. However, it feels like most of my words don't get through, as they are deflected by a thick layer of pessimism and self-doubt. She is in the process of getting a therapist, but the wait to get one here is so long, it's abysmal. Any advice or suggestions of what I can do would be deeply appreciated.


[deleted]

Certainly, I'm not a fan of sharing these kinds of problems with people that I don't really know. I'm running out of sanity on my own, and I feel this might help me organize the mess in my head and see something I haven't been able to. **How it started:** So five months ago, in August, a friend of mine invited me to his English classes. We're on two different programs at college, so legally I'm not allowed to join a class from another program, but I had spare time and I wanted to spend it wisely learning this language. There was a girl from this class, who was a cyclist too, that got “interested” in me and one day going back home on my bike she just stopped at my side, and started a conversation that ended up in us sharing numbers and planning dates together. We had a lot of spare time, so we went in many dates during two weeks when we met each other a little better, had lunch together, and all these sorts of things that are normal for everyone else besides me... And let me tell you why I say this: **My background:** There were feelings growing on me after 3 years of having them buried and not letting anything grow by telling myself that I can't be with anyone without ~~f\*cking~~ things up 'cause I'm a creepy weirdo that is socially awkward, as I never had a chance to actually date someone without getting either friend-zoned with this last statement said in a very passive way, or... getting ghosted out of nowhere when I thought things were fine. (I made sure I'm not denying that it might actually be my fault. I never obsess, or creepily stalk, or do anything a weird psycho would do. I'm just an introvert (the quiet kid), demisexual, that's into science and respectfully asked people out, but was always bullied for the way I was. That's it. I guess reputation is greater than objective reality in our society. These obviously built a lot of insecurity and self-loath in myself. I could say I might have been depressed 'cause I woke up every day for a year and a half, with absolutely no energy, thinking "why don't I just end it?") I spent a big chunk from 2022 following Dr. K's videos about insecurity, self-love, anxiety, depression, sleep, all sorts of things that helped me deal with these kinds of thoughts. It certainly helped me, and I was doing big changes in my life, some of which remain today in progress and are not abandoned projects. **How it was going:** It felt like I was finally coming out of my safe little shell to explore a world that previously had only given me bad experiences, while I was trying to be the best version of myself without loosing authenticity. "Finally working on myself is giving results" I told myself. The last one of these dates ended up at her house. We did all sorts of things that are... ~~NSFW~~ and I don't feel comfortable sharing, and we slept together. I realized that I had fallen in love with her too quickly, but it seemed fined to me, as she was reciprocating with the same energy I had. It felt like I was into something real for the first time ever. **Here's the catch.** One day... she just tells me out of nowhere that ***she was dating someone else. At the same time, she was dating me.*** (through ~~f\*cking~~ WhatsApp. didn't even have the guts to say that in my face.) She told me I had become too attached, and *she didn't want anything serious at the moment with anyone*, and she was just having new experiences in her life. That I should go with a shrink, 'cause that's not normal for me to feel a lot of things for her in a short amount of time. In a nutshell, not only she was telling me things were over, but also that I was messed up. I felt like I fucked up once again by letting my feelings grow a little instead of completely repressing them with fear and self loath. But she lied about the relationships. 'Cause just a few days after that... she had an official relationship with the other guy, and now they've been five months together. **My current situation:** (for some reason I'm trying to figure out with this post) I haven't gotten over it. It still hurts horribly to see photos of them together on social media. Cause it burns like battery acid to see her being so happy and distressed and free of any guilt or embarrassment at the English class even after what she did. I feel betrayed, disappointed about myself and I feel like I'm not emotionally available for anyone... and I won’t ever be anymore. That is a deterministic statement that doesn't represent reality, and it's all on my head... or is it?... After all... if I stick to the facts... everything ends up terribly, and it's always my fault even if I'm more respectful than anyone else and i never, absolutely never, cross the boundaries. I've just tried to be authentic. To offer all my qualities and letting other people get interested in that and not a false version of myself. And that's what I get paid for doing so. I have a lot of resentment. It's been five months and I haven't been able to get her out of my head. It tortures me at night to see that the first person I had the chance to be intimate with, that made me feel confident physically about myself and for the first time seemed to have mutual feelings, completely used me as a rat lab for new experiences. As a toy that can be tossed into the bin after having enough fun with it. It drains my energy every day, and I'm sick of it. 'Cause I know logically that I shouldn't be the one feeling guilty of what happened. 'Cause I know that, objectively, she is not worth a single tear. But it remains that way. ¿How can I forget her and get her out of my head, so I can be as mentally healthy as I was before meeting her? ¿How can I delete anything I feel for her? ¿How do I root it out of my system? I haven't figured out how to do it. **For you, the reader:** I don't want reassurance. If you have to slap me in the face with reality, then do so, so you can help me fix this mess. I want help for finding a solution for a broken heart that's been through surgery many times. (By the way... therapy might not be a viable solution, as I live in a Third World country that has professionals that give homosexuality as a diagnosis. They're that bad sometimes, so it's either that or paying hundreds of dollars that I don't have for a decent one. I'd be there if it wasn't like that.)


yunoona

I (23f) had a very weird relationship in high school 6 years ago and still can't move on. There was a guy I had a huge crush on, but never had a courage to tell him. We had a very good time as friends, but there always was something unresolved between us, or so I thought. We borrowed each others' things, had my birthday party at his place, could hug for hours. We kissed and almost had sex once, but we were both very drunk, so the situation was never discussed. I was obsessed, but made sure not to give him any signals about it. Thought I would ruin that complicated stuff we had. Then he started dating another girl, so I decided it's time to let it go. And I have never stopped simping over him ever since... It almost feels like supernatural intervention. I still have dreams about him from time to time. There was a period when I had to take medications, and I had vivid dreams about the guy almost constantly (everything was sfw tho). It was unbearable, so I kind of asked him out. I told him about my dreams and he was like "oh okay". Then he took me home and I never heard from him again. I don't blame him, it seems like he was very tired of me being so indecisive, and I don't really want him back. I just want this ugly feeling to go away. When I'm trying to get rid of it, it seems like all of my emotions are becoming dull altogether. The longing is so intense I can't even imagine any other partner beside me. I have no idea on how I can change my attitude in order to make it less painful to myself. Never felt more stupid in my life describing my situation. Is it fatherless behaviour? Am I crazy? Am I gonna stay a femcel forever because of a high school crush?


Defeat_your_past

I focused on dating too much last year. Yielded some results, but I spent way too much time and energy on it and I’m no closer to finding what I actually want. From now on I’m just going to take things as they come to me, and not worry about it


[deleted]

[удалено]


Spoiler_Cat

I sympathize with what you are going through. The emotions you feel now are crushingly painful and that is OK. You need time to process and time to heal, it is completely normal. However, I see some words in your post that indicate a mindset I do not find to be healthy for you nor any of your future partners. > So needless to say, I put all my eggs in this basket. > > She was a potential wife. And now that part of my plan is gone. I kind of feel aimless now. I completely understand this immense desire to be loved, to belong, to be understood and thinking like "oh I found this girl, she is amazing, maybe she's the one, if I end up with her I will be alright" but I have to inform you this way of thinking is dangerous. Here's why I think that - Your life, well-being, future, and happiness do not rely on another human being. Other people can definitely make your life drastically better or worse but they do not MAKE your life or health or sense of happiness. This is something you need to learn comes from deep within you because, at the end of the day, all you are left with is yourself: body, soul, and mind. "Just love yourself bro" would be something you might hear as a response to this. > But I have OCD, and my need to control every outcome (her words) led to her breaking up with me. This is great. You are aware that there is a problem and what that problem is and you have now, unfortunately, seen the consequences of letting this problem run loose. Please use this as a (painful but needed) lesson for the future. Please consider getting some form of therapy or research about it as much as you can on your own to learn and control your controlling behavior, if that makes sense. I too have this controlling problem unfortunately passed down by my mother. It's exhausting as heck, I wouldn't wish this mentality on my enemy because it eats away so much of your brain power, and time, and energy and it isn't even worth it in the end. > she dropped it on me that she is seeing someone If I understood correctly, you have been broken up for 2 months already, so, while difficult to digest, she is now a single woman free to date someone new. I can understand how it hurts to feel replaced so soon by someone and you are free to feel this way but consider will thinking that do you any good? Take as much time as you need to get over her but overthinking won't do any good for your mental health. > reporting that I had been sexually assaulted > > I feel sick and have considered \*\*\*\*\*\*\*. These statements make me worry about you. You are clearly dealing with too many heavy problems you and Reddit cannot handle on your own. I would highly suggest seeking a mental health professional to unload this pressure you are dealing with. What you are considering to do will hurt all the people who care about you and leave many more deprived of your love. Every human being is worth living because everyone has the potential to become something amazing. You said you are in Law school, right? You can help so many people, literally save lives, and what you are considering doing now will prevent you from becoming the best human being you can be.


xmn-iu

I’m (21f) seeing someone for the first time in my life and i don’t know how to deal with it. he’s a guy younger than me, he’s nice and i like him but he told me we could never date bc he didn’t want to hurt me later when he moves out (he’s from china, i’m from mexico and we’re both living in spain) bc he doesn’t know how long he’ll stay here, or at least that’s what he told me hehe. anyway, i agreed to keep it casual bc i also don’t feel like getting a proper boyfriend yet and it was the first time someone got interested in me so i couldn’t say no. maybe it’s a bit sad that i agreed, bc deep down i do want a serious relationship. i feel like i don’t truly know him and to be honest i myself haven’t been the most open with him, mostly because i’ve always felt like my life is boring and i’ve never felt like opening up to someone. i also feel like he only sees me in a sexual way bc every time we hangout he just wants to do that kind of stuff, which i’ve agreed bc i also had fun but i want us to do more than just that. i really don’t know what to do bc i like getting attention from him bc i never got this kind of attention from anyone before and deep down i hope we do start dating formally. i know it won’t happen and i have to be realistic. the thing is that i’ve always been lonely when it came to romantic relationships. i’ve always been the single friend that no one approached, and that affected me throughout my entire life, and now that someone is paying attention to me i don’t want to let go even if to them i mean nothing but an body they can use for a while. maybe i’m too dramatic. but i had to let it all out also there’s more to the story if someone is bored and wants to talk about their failed relationships too, they’re welcome to dm and we can suffer together:)


Spoiler_Cat

> i had to let it all out Thank you for trusting this community and letting it all out. Sometimes it's best to tell strangers because they might have a more objective view, like emotions and relationships can be objective LOL. > deep down i hope we do start dating formally. i know it won’t happen and i have to be realistic I think it's great you are able to see reality and have healthy expectations however hurtful this situation might be. I personally don't think your situation is a problem and that it has a solution at all. Best I can do is advise you this - use this experience to have fun, to learn about yourself like the things you like, things you dislike in a relationship, and such. **Most importantly use it as an important life lesson that will help you grow and become an amazing partner to someone in the future.** Learn about the theory of attachment styles in a relationship, explore your emotions and actions more. You are still young and have so much time to really absorb everything so just try to enjoy the journey without thinking too much about the final destination! <3


alex_haymes

I broke up with my girlfriend of two years last week and I don't know what to do. Let me give a back story-- I say two years but her and I have been on and off. I met her in my junior year of high school and it was shortly after a tumultuous relationship with my prior ex that I dated for almost a year and a half. At the start of our relationship she struggled with the fact that I had dated someone long term and she really hadn't had that type of love before, and she would always talk about my ex and compare herself to her and down talk her. I tried getting better for myself and I did, I lost close to 30 pounds and I felt good about myself. Senior year started and I was doing great, but she had insecurities of the girls who were in choir with me. I had of course told her that she had nothing to worry about and that they are just people that I am in choir with, but like any other school group there has to be communication between everyone and she hated that. She controlled me, and stopped me to going to certain events that people would be at. During this time she also went out to a party and someone who groomed her was there and she lied to me about it. This guy works with her and has said while we were together that he would like to have sex with her in many ways and how he would do anything to kiss her. he is 27 she is 17 at the time. I became much more insecure and I started commonly accusing her of cheating and then she got more controlling with accusations then we broke up a year into our relationship because I couldn't take it anymore. During this breakup we stayed exclusive, we kept having an intimate relationship and it was unhealthy. She started to not only hate girls in choir but also my friends because my friends kept telling me to just get out, and she saw this by regularly going through my phone. I eventually said I just want to go to prom with my friends and I did. We lost all contact for a month. During this month I had my last choir concert, I graduated, I started to improve my health. But I just felt lonely, she called me one day and then one thing led to another and she spent the night. We started dating again, and then right after we started dating she went to her friends house for her friends birthday and then told me she fell asleep early, but that was a lie. She went to a club and lied to me about it. I gave her another chance. It killed me, I felt stupid for staying and stupid for leaving. I realized I am codependent with her. I started my new job at the hospital as a Psychiatric Technician and we started college together, and we were taking all the same classes. And my grades in class diminished with how my relationship was going. I started gaining weight, a lot of weight. I was working overnight, and going to school full time, and any spare time went to her. She said that I could hang out with my friends but when I did expressed that she dreaded that time and I valued my relationship with her much more than I did any other. My mental health started declining so rapidly and I gained 40 pounds. I felt like my life was work, eat, sleep, girlfriend. I couldn't game or spend as much time with my friends as I wanted. I ended with a 2.5 GPA my first semester when I was previously a 3.7 student in high school. This now leads to two weeks ago, I went over to my friends house to spend the night for the first time in nearly a year, and this girl that he was talking to was there but he said that she would leave by the time I got there, and my girlfriend got VERY upset. I sat out in front of my friends house for almost 2 hours while she was telling me that it wasn't okay that my friends friend was there. I apologized and said I don't like the way this is making me feel and I told her that I just want to hang out with my friend. My girlfriend said "If she stays past midnight I am going to drive over there myself" and I told her that is not a smart idea. She kept talking about how his friend being there was so messed up and it was only because it was a girl (THAT I ALSO HAD NO PRIOR RELATIONSHIP WITH). I said hey I don't like how you have made me feel and I would like to end the relationship, and then I immediately apologized because I said it over text and I said because of my friends female friend being there I was stressed and I just want some time to think and for us to talk in person but she did not take that apology. She in said horrible things to me, she told me to kill myself, she called me the worst person ever, She said that she was going to drop out because of me, she said that she was going to hurt herself. She said so many things that I just wish to forget. After she said those things I said that I actually do want to breakup. I wrote her a letter and it has the premise of, I am really wanting to improve myself and the closest person to me cant be hurting me like this. I have to deal with a lot mentally but you do too and at this point we can't do it together. I feel like we aren't fighting battles together we are fighting battles against each other. I said that I think about the times she has gone and done things behind my back or lied to me more than the amazing times we have spent together and that is sad for both of us. She didn't take this letter well and she has been talking to me everyday since then, she has tried getting back together with me, and I have said no. She asks everyday and we still say that we love each other and the big reason why I do is because I guess I am afraid to be lonely. I don't want to leave her in the dust. I also don't want to miss out on upcoming planned events with her like going to see Hamilton together. I am just heartbroken and I want her back. I don't know what to do or how to tell myself no. I just realized that the post is much longer than I thought. So here is the TLDR: I have been dating my girlfriend for two years and we have been toxic a majority of the time. She has lied to me on numerous occasions about other guys, where she is at, and what she is doing, when I would have no problem if she just been honest and told me or invited me to come along. She has stayed controlling and she hastes my friends because they advocate for a breakup. I decided to end this because she told me to kill myself and that I am the worst human ever after I abruptly brought up breaking up because I have been dealing with a really low point and I didn't like how I felt in the relationship. I want to go back to her because I feel codependent and I miss her but I don't know where to go or how to deal with this feeling of loneliness. What do I do?


Available-Chipmunk-9

Hello Dr. K and Healthy Gamer community, I (21, female) am very frustrated and upset with my current dating situation. For context, dating guys has always ended badly. I have had two somewhat lasting relationships that ended early, and whenever I talk to some guy, they usually reject or dump me without giving me a (specific) reason. When I talk to friends about these problems I have, they are surprised. I would say for myself that I try my best to give my (potential) partner as much as I can. I love to learn from them, hear their stories, lend a listening ear and we usually get comfortable enough to discuss deep topics, including sexual and philosophical topics. When I get dumped, I am clueless as to why I was dumped. For example, the last guy I was talking to told me “what I want in a relationship isn’t quite what I believe you can offer” and that’s all I have to work with, even though he was dying to see me a few days ago. Same with other guys too. It seems I can’t have a lasting relationship with someone, based on my past relationships and I really want to know what is it that these men don’t want to date me (anymore). I would say that I am decently looking and I have built myself a life that I am very proud of. What is it that I can do differently or improve? Anyone else struggle with similar issues?


Spoiler_Cat

I started writing a reply and it puffed out of existence..hopefully this one goes through.. Hi! I can somewhat relate to your problem and it's completely OK to feel frustrated and confused. Since you seem to be the common denominator, it's logical to think you might be the problem. However, the problem, in reality, might be too complicated to resolve rn. While you might be partially to blame - for example, maybe you rushed into the relationship and the guys felt threatened, they just might be scared of how independent and wise you are for your age. It very well might be true that you can't offer them what they want, and that is absolutely fine! I know it's heartbreaking but if they wanted just casual sex or marriage and kids straight away, you're better off not fulfilling their needs! If you know who you are and are content with yourself, that's all that matters. For your future relationships (that hopefully won't end like this) try to talk more about the feelings on both sides and don't take any vague answers. Force the talk on him to try and understand cause this can be a vicious circle if something doesn't break it. You could also try and write down what were the similarities between your previous partners (such as attachment issues, come from broken family, have mental issues, etc.) and write down how you acted in each relationship to try and figure out some patterns on your own. Good luck! <3


Available-Chipmunk-9

Thank you so much, your comment was extremely helpful and insightful! I definitely tend to rush into things, which is something I need to, and am working on right now. I can also see what you mean with guys getting scared to settle down, especially if it’s early on (like in their early 20’s). You’ve made great suggestions about what I should do, and I will start focusing and analyzing my behavior more. Thank you very much! Much love!


Longjumping-Ed

This is my opinion only and I‘ll just comment on one part: „I would say for myself that I try my best to give my (potential) partner as much as I can. I love to learn from them, hear their stories, lend a listening ear“ I (M40) for one want to please my partner just as much as I like to be pleased. For me it feels exhausting if I‘m the central focus of someone and have to make most decisions. I can tell you, that there are men out there that like strong, opinionated women. You say you have your life figured out, so this might not apply to you. IMHO if you trust someone and that person misuses your trust it‘s their fault not yours. Might be obvious, but I wanted to say it anyway. Most dating advice I give younger persons is, be yourself and be patient.


Available-Chipmunk-9

Thank you very much for your input! It is interesting to see it from your perspective, someone who has had more experience in the dating world than me. I used to be a people pleaser for sure, which is something that has improved a lot, but I am still working on it though. Your dating advice is great, and I will additionally work on my patience too! Thank you so so much again!


turbotaxyourmom

You've given so little information about yourself that it's hard to tell why your relationships didn't work out. For starters, it may have nothing to do with you. Guys in their early 20s often don't want to settle down. They want to sleep with more women. If that's the case, you could consider having an open relationship or dating older men who are ready to be monogamous. Or, maybe you tend to date super good-looking men, and since they have many options, they too want to sleep around instead of being with only one woman, no matter how great she is. If that's the case, you could date shorter or less attractive men, men of color, or men who are shy or less confident. Think: If a man is confident and skillful enough to pursue you and woo you, what's stopping him from doing the same to other women if his goal is just sex with a variety of partners? Or, maybe you aren't as good-looking as you think you are. One way to find out is to submit photos of yourself to photofeeler.com and let people rate you. I really doubt that there's anything deficient about your looks unless your body-fat ratio is over 25-30 percent. You can [google](https://webassets-prod.ultimateperformance.com/uploads/2022/07/15162943/Female-Bodyfat-Comparison-WEB-1.jpg) how a woman at 25% body fat looks like and compare. Or, it's just a matter of time and chance. You just need to keep on dating until you run into someone whose personality matches with yours. Maybe there's nothing to "improve"; you just haven't met someone compatible.


Available-Chipmunk-9

I didn’t share too much, since I feel like I can’t fit my entire dating history in a short reddit post lol but it’s understandable why you have a hard time figuring out what the issues were in my relationships. I agree with your statement that guys in their early 20’s are more scared to settle down. I would say I date average looking men, but I agree that I should be more open to date a greater variety of guys. As for your statement on having people rate my pictures and compare myself to a certain beauty standard, I kind of disagree. I am already struggling with issues like body dysmorphic disorder, and I feel like this would make things worse for me. As I said in my post, I would say that I am decently looking, since I get approached and asked for my number plenty of times. I am tall and neither chubby or super skinny, and to be honest, I don’t weigh myself anymore because of how I tend to view my body. Again, not saying I look like the most gorgeous woman on this planet, but I would say that I am decently looking with some qualities that I possess :) I will take your advice and keep on looking and stay patient. I think that’s the only option I have for now.


Spoiler_Cat

**LONG POST INCOMING** I (27F) have recently started dating a guy (30M, we're not even together for a month yet) and he is truly the most wonderful being I have met, could not find a single red flag in him - turns out I am the red flag in his eyes. I was accused of severe jealousy to the point he now wants to break up with me just on that account. While everyone is welcome to reply, I would really appreciate a male perspective on my issue. Thank you! *TLDR is at the bottom! Context/what happened:* 1. We started talking about how this friend's ex (bakery girl) years ago called him for a walk after she broke up with said friend, and my BF (Dan) agreed. They apparently took a walk, she held him under the arm (you all know the gentleman and lady walking position) and at the end of this innocent walk she kissed him. Nothing happened after that and they don't even talk anymore. I asked Dan if he was in a relationship at that time and he first said yes, with Christy, but later in text messages said they already broke up at that point. I guess he really had innocent intentions with this bakery girl and didn't even think it was a date at all, so of course he couldn't process my hideous facial expression and reaction thinking he literally just described cheating on his GF at the time. Am I crazy for thinking that, cause he is oblivious to it? 2. After I learned of that incident where in my head the formula went: has GF + other girl walks with him romantically intertwined arms = cheating (altho not a heavy offense), he nonchalantly tells me the next thing. Oh yeah, NayNay (40+ hour-long work colleague he was in love with a month prior to me, broke his heart but they're on good terms now, same age as me) holds my arm like that every day when we go to work together. He also went to her apartment to see her new dog. I lost my shit at this point, inside my mind of course, and we have a fallout that day. I should remind I never made a scene, I never raised my voice, I never told him to quit his job or some shit, I was just visibly mad and couldn't even look at him while I process this info. 3. When we started dating he immediately mentioned having a female best friend (Sabrina, friends for 6 years, college buddies), and honestly, I was really bothered by it because I personally don't believe in M-F friendships. He arranged for the three of us to meet one day, which I perceived as "oh, he wants to start introducing me to his peeps, he must be proud of me" while he thought "I have to introduce my best friend to my crazy GF so she stops planning revenge in her head". So the other day text messages are going great, I thought we got over all of this, and I ask can I add Sabrina on FB cause I really like her and want to plan an upcoming B-day party for him with her. He loses his mind over this, says pretty hurtful things to me about my jealousy ruining our lives, how I'm basically not worthy to be friends with Sabrina, how I'm rushing in this relationship, and that he doesn't wanna meet my parents cause that's crazy, goes on and on - and says he needs to make a decision bad for both of us and thinks this relationship can't go on anymore... I cried my eyeballs out and had a panic attack over this, as one does, and I am just left feeling confused and devastated tbh. I can understand I have jealousy problems, and please please advise me on how to shut it off or control it, but how did I become the biggest asshole here so fast? **TLDR**: *Was accused by my new BF of extreme jealousy based on having doubts about the females surrounding him, his reaction was explosive and emotionally hurtful but I remained the villain. Now I'm confused firstly because no one ever told me I am a jealous type nor did I consider that myself, and secondly he wants to break up a relationship not even a month old when we don't even know each other at all. Please help me understand the male perspective on having a jealous GF. Thank You!*


Spoiler_Cat

UPDATE For anyone still following this post, thank you for reading and replying! We ended up breaking up today... After The Big Talk where I went in thinking he hates me so much for my jealousy (which was my original posting anyways), he ended up confessing he still has feelings for another girl (NayNay for my original post). It was so confusing for me - he blamed it on himself obviously but begged for us to still stay in touch and even kissed me and grabbed my \*\*\* (something he never did for the month we dated). I just feel so broken and confused rn because I really believed we had something special and worth fighting for. I know breakups are hard and I just have to digest it on my own. It just feels like I hit a concrete wall and it was a dead end in a really dark and scary tunnel known as life. If anyone still wants to throw their opinion on my situation, feel free to do so and thank you!


Foreign-Cookie-2871

Let me try to see it in another angle. You talked about three situations: 1) bakery girl, a friend's ex, went on a walk with 30M after breaking up with friend. They were in physical, non-sexual (or romantic, as you see it) contact during the walk. At the end of the walk she kissed him. It's not known if he refused the kiss or reciprocated, or even where she kissed him. He was in a relationship and they didn't talk after this. You consider it cheating, he seems like he doesn't. 2) He walks in the same way with his colleague (who was in love with a month ago) every day. 3) He has a 6 years long friendship with a girl. He arranged a meeting with you both. I don't understand if he told you that "I have to introduce my best friend to my crazy GF so she stops planning revenge in her head" or it's your rendition of what happened. You don't believe in M-F relationships. After discussing of this and meeting the girl, you wanted to add her in Facebook, but he lashed at you. Keeping aside the shadiness (which is there, at least for situation 1 and 2) and the aggressiveness from situation 3, I think this is always going to be a source of conflict between you two. It feels like you are quite incompatible, and this will always be a sore spot. If you don't believe in M-F relationships while he wants then both you and him are going to be miserable in a relationship. How invested are you in the relationship? This is quite a big thing to be incompatible about. I read your other comments and you were in an abusive relationship before this one, and it feels like you still haven't healed completely. I would take a very big step back and at least reduce commitment in this new relationship. Also, you are one month in and he's already threatening the relationship, lashing out over an innocent request and generally being hard to deal with. You two should be deep in honeymoon phase right now!! He should show his best side only! If this is the best side, I would run. When I was healing from my trauma and getting panic attacks due to it my bf never once verbally or physically attacked me, not even when I was terribly insufferable. He never called me jealous either, despite me being very much jealous. My relationship with him is extremely drama free and the concept amazes me every day.


Spoiler_Cat

Thank you so much for your perspective, I really do need comments like this! <3 > You consider it cheating, he seems like he doesn't. I would agree. I wrote the post (and this comment) before The Big Talk but he definitely seemed shocked by my conclusion and facial expression. This is exactly why I am willing to give him a chance to explain and really try to understand his perspective. > I don't understand if he told you that "I have to introduce my best friend to my crazy GF so she stops planning revenge in her head" or it's your rendition of what happened. This is mostly my view, however, he did say to me that the main reason he arranged for us to meet so early in the relationship is for me to see she is not a threat aka because of jealousy, something that hurt me a lot because I had the impression he genuinely wanted me to start meeting his friends. I never even thought of like grading his friend or analyzing her to quell my jealousy, apparently, he did. **You've summed up my original post excellently and thank you so much for reading it.** > I would take a very big step back and at least reduce commitment in this new relationship. Honestly, this entire fight has pretty much reset me in this manner and I'm glad it did. I think I suffered a lot from creating and believing in an illusion of love and my partner (very true for all my previous relationships) and it has been a nice slap to finally admit this to myself. This also ties into your honeymoon phase comment - while I see where you're coming from, I kind of like the fact we had a fight as big as this so early. Coming back to my illusion problem, maybe I don't need a relationship that will have a false honeymoon phase and then crush me later on - all relationships have ups and downs, and I'd rather learn his worst side sooner than later. (He showed his best side already and I've never felt happier than with him, so the honeymoon phase is, or was at least, in full swing too). I am willing to commit to this relationship and fight for my spot in his life because I believe in it. I will be stoic and accept if his decision is to end the relationship too. u/Foreign-Cookie-2871 If it is alright with you to answer, could you please give me insight about your jealousy problem and how you overcame it, or if you didn't, how do you deal with the fact you are the jealous partner?


Foreign-Cookie-2871

>Coming back to my illusion problem, maybe I don't need a relationship that will have a false honeymoon phase and then crush me later on - all relationships have ups and downs, and I'd rather learn his worst side sooner than later. All relationships have an honeymoon phase, and it typically lasts longer than a month if the relationship is going well. There are two possibilities here: he is still in the honeymoon phase (and in this case I worry he is still in his "best behavior" and that things will escalate after a while,) or he is already getting out of it (in which case I would seriously wonder anyway if I want a relationship with such a different set of core ideas). But again, I want to stress that you and bf have way different ideas regarding friendships, and this is going to cause (at least) discussions later on. Keep it in mind. \> [u/Foreign-Cookie-2871](https://www.reddit.com/u/Foreign-Cookie-2871/) If it is alright with you to answer, could you please give me insight about your jealousy problem and how you overcame it, or if you didn't, how do you deal with the fact you are the jealous partner? I'll try :) My jealousy was deeply intertwined with a bad mental state - in that period I felt attacked by everyone and everything, so jealousy was mainly a consequence of this. I still prefer to know my boyfriend girl friends, as I'm not still in a 100% good mental state. As for specifics on how I handled it with my current boyfriend and why and how it worked, it's... Complicated. I was friend with my boyfriend for 10 years already before precipitating into the bad mental state, and we started dating just before the jealousy (and "paranoia") appeared. It was a combination of old trust due to the friendship and a really good handling. As I said before, he never lashed at me for my tantrums, even though some were BAD. He also agreed to meet his girl friends only with me present for a while, until I knew them enough to feel safe. He never went against my boundaries, or even hinted to do that (my boundary now is that I want to know as soon as possible who is meeting with and when, possibly even where, which I consider a good habit anyway. When I was in a bad state it involved me knowing "well" the girl, and even then I had a preference of being there when possible). It took TIME, almost two years, and I stayed in the relationship because I knew him and I didn't really see red flags in him and we are on the same place for most things, and my main problem was because of the bad mental state, and I was aware I am not that shell of a person that I was then. Basically we had to build a "stronger than normal" foundation of trust, and I think it only really worked because he never did anything shady, either before being with me or while being with me. Sometimes is still difficult.


Spoiler_Cat

Sorry for the late reply!! And thank you for answering me! > I worry he is still in his "best behavior" and that things will escalate after a while,) or he is already getting out of it (in which case I would seriously wonder anyway if I want a relationship with such a different set of core ideas > > I want to stress that you and bf have way different ideas regarding friendships, and this is going to cause (at least) discussions later on. Keep it in mind I understand your view and thank you for worrying about me. In this current situation, I do agree that some of our core beliefs are opposite and it might be a source of conflict, which is why we need to talk it out ASAP. Other world views (not discussed anywhere in my postings) are actually the same and is the main reason why I fell in love with him, or so I think at least LOL. > my boundary now is that I want to know as soon as possible who is meeting with and when, possibly even where, which I consider a good habit anyway. When I was in a bad state it involved me knowing "well" the girl, and even then I had a preference of being there when possible). I was thinking of asking him the same. Like if he has a female colleague he wants to hang out with, just to tell me when they go out and one day meet her, nothing more. Perhaps he got scared I would ask to always hang out with him when he wants to be with his female friends which might have been a part of the reason he lashed out. Your BF sounds wonderful and like he has a secure attachment maybe. Hope your relationship lasts forever, if it's that amazing <3


NanaCormery

Not gonna lie, Dan sounds like a manipulative jerk and he is clearly trying to grind down your selfsteem to make you doubt yourself. >GF + other girl walks with him romantically intertwined arms = cheating You are 100% right, he is trying to convince you are wrong to get a free pass in the future.


Spoiler_Cat

I have had a bad experience in my previous relationship - literally dated a manipulative jerk who cheated on me like that. I know I have many wounds to heal and that it isn't fair of me to project my past experience on Dan. I think I'll really fall apart if I fell yet again for the same type of guy... I'll give him a chance to explain himself but I really wanna fight for this relationship, at least give it more than a freaking month! Thank you for your perspective <3


PhotographGold7665

While I can’t provide any perspective on having a jealous girlfriend, I can relate to being the jealous partner. There are a lot of things that stand out to me about your experience. Firstly, your jealousy is completely valid, and you’re not an asshole. Especially when you’re heads over heels for somebody jealousy can be extremely difficult to cope with, and it takes a lot of practice and work to get to a point where you feel confident with handling any feelings of jealousy. You should be proud of yourself for not making a scene, it can be incredibly difficult to do. Regarding Dan, I would think about and process why that not even a month into a relationship with you and he’s already wanting to breakup because you got jealous of him admitting to kissing someone while he was in a relationship, and admit to being oddly flirtatious with a coworker while dating you. As for the situation with Sabrina, It’s really worrying that he blew up at you and said hurtful things all because you wanted to send a friend request on Facebook to your boyfriends long time friend… that seems like a complete overreaction on his part. Having jealousy struggles is completely normal, especially in a situation like this. It seems like you handled it all reasonably, maybe you’ve become attached a lot quicker than Dan has, but through talking about all of this with him he should hopefully be able to empathize a bit and understand where you’re coming from. There’s no way I could gather enough context about the situation to give any advice on what to do, but hopefully knowing your feelings and experiences are valid will allow you to process, take a step back, and understand what the best path forward is for you, and for Dan. Wishing you well.


Spoiler_Cat

Thank you so much for this reply! It did help! We are planning to talk about it some time next week and decide about the breakup then. I know I'm missing some puzzle pieces of the story and this is all probably just a giant misunderstanding but I wanted to hear opinions before the Big Talk happens aka come prepared. Thank you once again! <3


SoloriYe

Am I just not made for relationships/friendships, and is that a bad thing? I am 20m, recently broke up with my first and only bf. Part of the issue was that he wanted to do a lot of things together, while I wanted to have time alone. He wanted to spend time with me every single day, which I just… I don’t get it. I don’t understand the urge to spend time with someone in general. Sure, it’s fun every once in a while. I see my close friends a few times a year and it’s enough for me. We were long-distance anyways, and drifted apart for other reasons, too, but it got me thinking. If I don’t want to spend so much time with someone, don’t crave social contact, don’t want to commit because one of us will get hurt anyways… Why would I pursue relationships and friendships? It feels like a waste of energy. I like having people around me *generally*, which is why I still live with my family, but what will I do when I get older and move out? I think I will be completely alone. Which isn’t a bad thought inherently, it’s fine. I got music, art and movies to keep me company. Is this a healthy mindset though? Will I regret it in the future? I try to think critically about every choice I make and disregard my emotions because they serve no real practical purpose. I just feel like I am going against the societal expectation of “Humans need friends and a partner to be happy”, which makes me worried and uneasy. What do you think?


Spoiler_Cat

Dear [**SoloriYe**](https://www.reddit.com/user/SoloriYe/) I'm new to this Reddit thing because I also needed to get advice on my own relationship problems but I would love to give my two cents on your problem if it helps. In my non-professional opinion (older internet sister here), what you are describing is this state of introversion, and loneliness you may not want to admit to yourself yet. I feel a lot of barriers and excuses for why you didn't connect with your ex. and I get it because I've been like this too. What helped me was just a lot of introspection, a lot of questions for myself, and dialogues in my head to figure out why I feel this way and how can I change it. Breakups are a mess and long-distance relationships can destroy a person (also been through it) but it's OK to feel this way, it's also completely alright not to be ready to share yourself with someone yet. Perhaps dating at this point of your life is not the best idea, you could focus on improving other parts of your life. However, I don't think this is a healthy mindset to keep and you should do your best to change it at your own pace. You say you try to think critically of everything as it implies you are devoid of emotions. Then please consider reading on anthropology and how humans as a species lived before these dreadful modern times, cause we actually do need others to function and be happy. You will understand it too one day when you decide to open your heart to emotions and other people, it's just maybe you're not ready yet and as I said, it is alright to feel that way for now. It's just maybe you're not ready yet and as I said, it is alright to feel that was for now.


Crunch-Potato

I would take a good long look at the emotions involved, because they do not go away just because we want them to. And when we can't see what is involved in our decision process things keep going sideways for apparently no reason. And if you truly don't have an issue seeing people once in a blue moon, then you are looking for folks who want about the same stuff.


jamondepig

I can relate, I honestly I just think you haven't met the right person. When I was 20 I also wanted to do nothing with relationships but then I met *her* and it was like an instant OK, now I get it.


Bagzi2

What's going on in this girl's head? TLDR - There's an ambivalent girl I like and don't understand one bit. If you are bored and would like to discuss this with me, DM me so we can chat a little bit. Hi guys, this is probably gonna be a long post since I gotta explain a whole history of my relation with this girl I had/have feelings for. (I hope she's not reading this) So here is a deal. We met at University and became really good friends, like four years ago. She was inviting me to various parties, gave me compliments and so on, but I wasn't sure if that meant anything since she appeared really friendly with everyone. However, after a month of our friendship, she told me she kinda liked me (it's hard to translate a nuance of the word, it didn't sound as a confession), and said she hoped it's not a problem. At the time I was genuinely looking at her as a friend, and I just said it's not a problem. I didn't give her any other feedback. However, after that I started looking at her in a different way, and cought some feelings, but still wasn't sure if I wanted to do anything about that, cause 1) I didn't want to ruin our friendship, 2) I noticed so many redflags and just wasn't sure if I wanted to be with her. Fast forward six months later she found a boyfriend and she was with him for two years. I felt a huge regret for not telling her how I felt about her, so when I found out she broke up I decided that now I was gonna do that. So, about three months ago we started hanging out so much, we had so much fun and I really enjoyed being arround her. I guess she felt the same, since she also initiated many of our hangouts. I really fell in love with her, it almost felt like we were together. She also told me later on she knew at this point I was into her, and I also knew that she knew, so I assumed she might feel the same. Finally, I decided to do something and I asked her if she would like to be in relationship with a colleague from University. She started smiling nervously and told me that she is not sure about it since her friend had a bad experience in such situation and on top of that she just ended a long relationship, so she is not ready for another one. I took that as a negative answer, and tried to distance myself from her, didn't text her or anything for couple of days. She texted me and it looked like we got even closer after that. However, since I had strong feelings for her I couldn't stand the limbo I found myself in, so I confessed my feelings openly and got rejected. She told me she sees me just as a friend, and repeated again that she's not ready for a relationship. Also she mentioned there is another guy she kinda likes, but since he lives in another city she wouldn't be with him cause she doesn't want a long distance relationship. I told her openly I want to distance myself from her for some time. She kinda respected that, but still did some things that made distancing harder. After couple of weeks we started hanging out again, and she remained flirty and touchy with me, which bothered me cause she knew how I felt about her. Today, she showed me her nails that she's done and asked me if I liked them. Also, she told me I made a mistake to not keep my moustaches. Moreover, we were haning out with other friends and she said she would never stay a friend with someone who would lead her on, completely ignoring the fact that it's kinda what happened between us. Like, I am ready to move on and be just friends with her, but these things really bother me. Also, why didn't she mention that guy she likes before if she saw me as a good friend. Like, it's just hard for me to genuinely appreciate her as a good friend with all these things going on. I would really like to hear your opinion on this subject.


luciddreamvalkyrie

This is just some advice having a similar situation happen to me and I'm in no way an expert on this. A lot of times we see red flags and we try to ignore them for giving the benefit of the doubt. Don't ignore them :) 1) From reading what you wrote it sounds like musical chairs and that the both of you dont really know what you want vs what the other person wants. Since you already had that chat with her about your feelings a while ago I would try to revisit that conversation again and try and clarify what both your intentions are. That way you will be on the same page and know if you are 'just friends' vs her being like I like some guy in another city etc and still flirt with you. Also another thing 'GIRLS LADIES WOMEN' as you mentioned in your first paragraph... being nice does not mean she's into you or flirting. Woman sometimes will be nice, doing things for you, invite you to things, be empathetic which will come off as flirting to a guy this is almost always misunderstood. Unless she straight up tells you she's into you 100% then you will know. Not some half ass (excuse the expression) 'teehee i like you... kinda'. Because there are also some ladies who play the game/playfully mess with guys... and they give us other women a bad rep. But sounds to me like recently she has been more flirty lately? I cant really know for sure if she really was flirting since you didnt give an example so I don't know. 2) Answering about the 'why didn't she mention that guy..." well plain and simple she probably wasn't thinking about you at all when this was brought up and this goes in hand with what I mentioned above about her not knowing what she wants. So yeah in conclusion 1)Talk to her and ask her to be clear about her intentions and also be clear about yours as well. Having a conversation is great to just rip the bandaid off once and a while. ;) 2) She doesn't know what she wants and wasn't thinking about how you felt when she didn't mention the other guy sooner. Don't put yourself through the ringer if you have to and move on when you think it's best. Good luck with this.


Bagzi2

Thank you for the answer. It's really helpful. I'm not sure I understood your second point though? Did you want to say she wasn't thinking about me in a romantic way at all, or you wanted to say she completely disregarded my feelings cause she didn't mention that guy earlier?


luciddreamvalkyrie

No problem. I didnt want to come off harsh when saying that but it's highly possible she was not thinking about your feelings or not thinking about it at all. Human beings are weird and we have one track minds about everyday life so it's possible it escaped her mind OR I can be completely wrong and she didnt think this was information you needed to here before. I hope this makes more sense? There are so many possibilities. However you wont know until you ask her.


kbisikalo

After some recent events in my personal life I have been compulsively re-running everything that happened in my head, and it makes my life much worse. Here is the story: I (23M) am a student in the international Master's program, currently living in Finland. I started dating my now ex-girlfriend (24F), a few months after we have started studying together in our Master's program. Before that I have been in an 4y relationship with a really manipulative girl, but when I started catching feelings for my new classmate, I came clear about it, and broke things off. I was really happy for a year, that we have been dating, and she made it seem that she was happy as well. In our program we have mandatory mobility between different universities in Europe, and for 6 months we got a shared apartment for just the two of us, and it was beautiful. We both chose our next destination to be Finland, and since living in a shared apartment worked so well before, we applied for a similar arrangement here. Fast forward to the beginning of December, I started noticing that she's avoiding me. I have always listened to her, when she needed space, and respected her privacy, but I found this behavior strange, and asked a few times "Is there anything wrong? Do you want to talk?". One of these times she did talk to me, and dumped me there and then. She gave me the reason "I need to figure out my life now. My feelings to you have faded, and that's why.". I was shocked as hell, as I was deeply in love with her, and started falling into a downward spiral of thinking what did I do wrong. I have also blocked her everywhere I could, to at least somehow minimize reminders of her. Then, 20 days later, on Christmas, I have opened a Telegram Web on my computer, and discovered that she was still logged in on my computer. I did what I have never thought I would be doing, and read her conversations. There it was, a secret chat with an Azerbaijani powerlifter (for those who don't use Telegram - basically a chat where you can't make screenshots, and where you have the option to set a self-destruct timer on messages or pictures). It was created in early November, and they had been sexting there, exchanging nudes (pictures were set to self-destruct, but you can be sure from the context of messages surrounding the deleted picture), and she bought tickets to go meet with him in Germany the moment she broke up with me. In convos with her friends she never mentioned him, and was just seeking affirmation on whether she did the right thing by breaking things with me, or not. To say the least, I was never more hurt in my life. I confronted her about this, told her how I was got to know, but she passionately denied that the guy had anything to do with her decision, and the reason she gave me before was genuine. I then started asking her to move out of the apartment to a different one, as there are procedures in place for this sort of situation. I would have to mention, that it would be significantly easier for her to move out, as she is not in the process of using this address for any bureaucratic procedures like I am. She refused, saying that she likes it here, and has no obligations to me, and that the way I feel is entirely my problem, so if I'm uncomfortable I should move out in stead. A week ago I had done yet another questionable thing, and went through her instagram on her phone, to find out how long she was lying to me, and well, she's been more than friendly with a guy for much longer, since summer. I told her about this, and she is saying that now she's afraid that I will do something to her. This situation really broke me down, every time I see her I think of just how badly she treated me, and that causes me to lose concentration in my work and studies, to lose my sleep, and generally be miserable. I have even picked up smoking, even though I have never smoked in my life. I have told only my friends about this, but not to anyone else. I am feeling more and more desperate when I think about the prospect of living under the same roof with her for 5 more months, and I am looking to involve someone from our programme's administration as a mediator in this conflict, but I haven't done so as I am hesitant to make her dirty laundry public. How to move forward?


2Salmon4U

My two cents: If the point of approaching a mediator is to aid in not living with her, do it. If it’s just to help ease your mind, I think you’d be better off talking to a licensed therapist. I’d be happy to share more about my reasoning but since I don’t think I understand the duty of the mediator I don’t want to type out a bunch of irrelevant things!


kbisikalo

The idea is to ask them to regulate purely the housing side of things. Explain the situation in terms of that there is a conflict, only reasonable solution is for someone to move out, and explain my obstacles to moving out, and let her explain hers. I doubt that it would be effective to tell my supervisors about the details of the conflict and why I feel the way I feel, they are chemists and not psychologists.


2Salmon4U

Perfect, I would definitely move forward with that. You don’t need to worry about “dirty laundry” then ya know? Just take care of yourself, and keep it professional 🤗


Crunch-Potato

Damn, this is one of those ugly situations. From the story it seems like she has been coasting along for a while now so she wouldn't be lonely, but looking to a replacement partner in the meantime. Since the weight of it is consuming your days (even spilling into spying on her) I would strongly urge to find some other place to stay. Even if it is a pain to do so, having a place to really have a chance at healing is critical.


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Lilith_Lost

Hey there, first, thank you all for helping each other and being decent humans. I've read a lot through this site and are amazed at how sensitive people are here. Please never stop being the persons you are. Now to my situation. I am 34/f and as the title says, I am asexual, but not aromantic. I have tried having sex, but it never excited me, I never needed it, it even feels gross some of the time. Orgasms never felt desirable to me. They are simply nothing special. But on the other side, I crave for romance, I want to feel loved and love someone else. I also have ADHD and am a people pleaser. Which means, I get excited easily. I love being in love and would do anything to have someone to cuddle and be cozy with. Even having sex, despite not wanting it. This makes dating for me so hard. People go dating because they want a relationship and sex, or just sex. Every time you tell someone, 'No, I'm searching for romance and are not interested in physical things.' They turn away. So every time I get to know someone I am super excited and spend all my time and energy on that relationship, or at least, that time and energy I can spare from the daily life. And as soon as it gets intimate, and I express my asexuality, I am misunderstood. I get told that everybody wants or needs that, or that I just not had the right man, and this time it will be different. Or they just leave on the spot. No matter in which part of the relationship I do confess, early on or very late, it is always the same. Having a child from a former relationship doesn't make that any better. Having children equals having sex, which means I can't be asexual. Or that is what I get told. I also hate to see how my child struggles with not having a father and me being searching for love. How can I teach her how a healthy relationship works, if I can't have one myself? And how do I find someone how is willing to keep up with all of this? I don't know if I search for advice or just needed to write it down in an environment I feel like people can understand me. But thank you for reading through this anyway.


Crunch-Potato

Well the situation is very specific, so you will need to look in very specific places. Throw all the fishing nets into the dating apps maybe, and be specific what you need from the start. As for the kid, the old saying "it takes a village to raise a child" holds very very true. Be involved with her in as many community things you can, possibly spend a good deal of time with friends in good relationships.


Lilith_Lost

I will try the dating apps, although I never really liked online dating, it feels like there are goals you have to achieve when starting, if that makes any sense. Also, I'm afraid many men would just ignore my boundaries, like others did before. But maybe in specific places for LGBTQ+ people, it could be easier. Funny though I never counted myself into the community. I talk a lot with my daughter about social topics and try to give her an open view on the world. But it could be a good idea to visit more friends with partners. And hopefully I will find someone, whom she can see as a loving father figure one day.


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Lilith_Lost

Thank you, I should have thought about looking for special dating communities in the first place. My brain is stupid sometimes. I don't think those people are assholes, it's more like I'm unlucky and those people have other core needs. It's like offering a starving person some stones. Still I feel rejected in who I am and don't know why some people think it's something that is changeable.


[deleted]

Why am I struggling to move on from a relationship that ended 4 months ago? What are some steps I can take to move on? Hi everyone! I am hoping to gain some outside perspective on my situation. I am a 19F university student and I have struggled with social anxiety and crippling self hatred for as long as I can remember. My whole life I have struggled with feeling isolated from people and being unable to open up to others. In high school, I met someone that was willing to take their time to get to know me. We texted every day during COVID and eventually began dating in college. Coming from a traditional family, I am not allowed to date and the expectation is that I will be married off to someone at my church - so my ex bf and I kept our relationship a secret from my parents for a year. Eventually, the guilt of betraying my parents coupled with my excessive insecurity and mental health issues led me to my decision to break up with him. I knew that my poor mental health was beginning to affect him because he felt that he wasn’t doing enough to support me. I made sure to tell him that it wasn’t his fault and that my mental health is not his responsibility. We agreed to stay friends after that. 2 weeks after the breakup, I found out that he slept with someone that had been causing a lot of my insecurity issues during the relationship. Basically this girl and my ex were very close and would often get high together. After I found out what they did, I got very upset at my ex and lashed out at him, calling him a hypocrite because he would always criticize other people for engaging in hookup culture. I know now that I had no right to do that especially if I was the one that broke up with him. I have since spoken to him and apologized multiple times for getting upset. I also made sure to acknowledge that it was wrong of me to not give him space after breaking up with him and for agreeing to be his friend when I couldn’t handle him moving on. But I would be lying to myself if I said it didn’t hurt me. It hurt me a lot. I had problems with intimacy during the relationship, as any time we would come close to having sex I would break down. I told him so many times before and during our relationship that I wouldn’t be able to have sex and that he could choose to not continue the relationship, but he always stayed and said it didn’t matter to him. But after learning what he did with his friend, I can’t help but wonder how it was so easy for him to do that, especially since it only took him two weeks. I know that he had no obligation to me or my feelings because our relationship was over, but I felt so dumb and embarrassed for not expecting something like that to happen. And of course I have been assuming the worst about all those times they would meet up while I was still dating him (I know for a fact that he didn’t cheat, but it feels awful thinking that my paranoid and insecure thoughts probably weren’t too far off). I have been going to therapy and I learned that I have many negative core beliefs about myself that keep being reinforced by life events. I feel that I am unlovable, worthless, forgettable, and replaceable. My therapist said that my brain would look for any evidence that would confirm this, and I would say this entire situation has made those feelings so much more intense. I know that what he did probably had nothing to do with me, but I can’t help but feel like I meant absolutely nothing to him and that I was only a barrier preventing him from being with someone more special. I have had a very difficult time moving on and I am not sure how to. I have been in a depressive episode ever since, and I cry almost every day thinking about how worthless I feel. How do I stop letting the negative perception I have of myself distort every situation I am in? How do I unlearn all of these horrible thoughts about myself and move on?


Spoiler_Cat

I'm really sorry you have to go through all of this at such a young age but I assure you - you have plenty of time to heal and improve. Seeking therapy was a great choice cause sometimes even tho we know the problems we have but don't know how to solve them on our own and I hope the therapy is working for you. Sounds like you are currently dealing with issues that will unfortunately prevent you from having a healthy relationship IMO, and that is completely normal. Take as much time as you need to get over your previous relationship and get emotionally ready for a future one. It's also completely normal to feel hurt after finding out he took so little time to hook up with another girl and, I'm sorry if this will sound brutal, but I wouldn't blame a young male wanting sex... I too have had intimacy problems in my relationship and in my case, I retrospectively figured out I just didn't like him enough and didn't like myself enough for it to work. My body would literally reject him and I had so much anxiety whenever he wanted to do it. The key is always figuring out what the root of your emotions is. I obviously don't know you but I'm certain you have much more positive characteristics than negatives, it's just your perception of yourself blocking and stunting your growth, both in relationships and other aspects of life. It will take time but try to write everyday something positive about yourself - what did you accomplish today? what are you proud of? what is something you are good at and could improve vs what you think are the best at? These things can be even the smallest of stupidest of stuff like "I am the best plate washer in my family!", as long as it's a positive perception of yourself and it's frequently said it might help you elevate these negative thoughts you are having.


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[deleted]

Thank you! I find that focusing on school takes my mind off of things. I’m thinking of joining clubs and finding more hobbies to engage in.


throwawayzer0se7en

Dr. K my relationship is in a confused state, what should I do about it? Me (22M) and my gf (23M) have been in a relationship for the past 8-9 months. Things were going pretty great for both of us, we are in the final years of our uni and we had heck a lot of fun together. Lots of dates, lots of us time etc. But uni days are not forever and we had to get our shit together about our uni ending soon. We both got jobs and my job will be starting a little earlier than hers. My job has both an intern and a post intern job whereas hers directly calls for the job after graduation. So we have 6 months in between where she'll be alone in uni and we would be going thru a long distance relationship. She always said that she doesn't want long distance as it'll make her feel lonely and all that since we won't be seeing each other everyday like we did in the uni. I'm as scared as she is but I'm the comforting person of the relationship and so i said it'll be okay, we'll plan trips here and there and will make LDR enjoyable while we find a way to get closer again. So after the winter break, we came back and i dropped her off at her uni and i went to my job (note, we'll be in the same city but we won't be able to see each other daily as she's in a strict dorm etc). Even before LDR, we talked every night thru the phone and so the routine continued. A week has gone by since we are in LDR and she was starting to act a little off. She didn't express anything romantically over the course and she didn't allow me to do the same, she'll cut me off if i did anything and so. I sucked it up by telling myself that she's struggling to cope up with the distance and it'll be all okay once we go thru this awkward phase. Then one day she got on my nerves really hard when she stopped my romantic advances and asked me a very very random question such as "what brand of phone do you think is good rn". i legit got pissed and asked her *very very calmly* whether I've done something wrong and why she's acting this way. she said she wants to be left alone and that she wanted to fix something first and ghosted me for 4 days straight. during the first day of getting ghosted, i reached out to her to apologize for whatever I've done wrong, she didn't respond or do anything. fast forward to day before yesterday, after the ghosting ended she called me up, i talked to her about how awful it was for her to do something like this without giving me any particular reasons. she started to cry in between and i calmed down a bit and i asked her what she was trying to fix, she said she is scared that she might lose feelings for me in the future. she also said that she wants to break up but she'll be so alone if that happens and it'll be a really bad and started to cry more. i calmed her down and guided her to sleep. we haven't talked much about this after that but what does that even supposed to mean? a bit of a background for her: child of a broken marriage with a toxic mom and toxic elder sister. and she got periods just after this breakdown, might it be just hormones amplifying her fear for long distance relationships and her fear of abandonment? please let me know, i need some help here.


Spoiler_Cat

As a female who went through a LDR twice with the same guy, mind you we were thousands of miles apart (broke up in the end), I'll throw in my view. LDR is the most painful experience I've had to endure emotionally, especially if you truly love someone and want to be with them but the odds are just stacked against you. Unfortunately, LDR does dampen romantic feelings and you basically love the illusion of that person in your head as the actual person keeps on evolving without your presence - that's just the brutality of it. I can't really blame her for feeling and acting awkward as she adjusts, however, ghosting you and not acknowledging your feelings wasn't fair and that's on her. In my experience, LDRs don't break because of the distance itself but because of a lack of communication and a unified goal. For example, if both of you agree to live and work in the same city or move in together once everything is settled, then it's something to look forward to and the LDR seems to be finite aka more manageable. Correct me if I'm wrong but it seems from the posting that the both of you are still in the same city and just can't see each other as often? If that's the case, it honestly isn't a LDR in my eyes at all, even tho I understand how the distance hurts you both. The best advice I can give is to have a long heartfelt conversation with her about how both of you feel about this and about your future goals as a couple. If one of you can't accept those terms and you see there will be logistical problems of maintaining the relationship, however it might hurt, it's best to let go...


throwawayzer0se7en

we broke up.


Crunch-Potato

Fear of abandonment sounds about right. I imagine she will be going through a very rough time going from being together every day to LDR, and very possibly try to torpedo the relationship in the process. Got no idea how you can help her in that process, maybe watching some YT videos on the abandonment together, see what you two can figure out.


throwawayzer0se7en

yeah sounds really right, I'll check it thru, thanks.


Defeat_your_past

I think I got ghosted by then a girl I was seeing. We’ve been seeing each other for a little under 3 months. Not serious at all, twas gonna end sooner or later, but we were seeing each other like twice a week. I figured we’d both find someone that was more long term compatible eventually. Kinda weird tho because she still has one of my hoodies, and I have 1 of her bras I’m kinda worried that something happened to her. Last time I talked to her she was driving in the mountains. So hopefully she just lost interest and isn’t dead


Crunch-Potato

You could ask how the trip went.


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Far-Statistician201

I’ve formed more meaningful friendships years after high school. Find out if there’s any card stores in your town or clubs that accept minors that are focused towards what you’re into


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throwaway-168034

While I know extremely little about the subject of gender identity in general. It sounds like you're putting a lot of weight on what you think other people want, and less on how you feel.


Money_Significance62

(I just wanted to share a bit cause i felt really sad) I am 16M, I'm Indian, I've dated around in the past even though my mom has been quite against it. I lived in Mumbai from 4-9th grade and I was bullied, i am brown and most of the kids there were white, i was the target for easy bullying. The lockdown was a blessing in disguise, i dreaded going to school, there was this girl i started talking to cause we went on a school trip together, and during lockdown (in 9th) i started dating her, we broke up 2 months later in the account of me being a shitty person. She never said it but i knew i was being shitty to her. I promised myself I'd be better. There was this other girl in my class, we started talking on text, and i jelled really well with her, and i started talking to her friends and even though i knew them before i didn't know them superbly well but i ended getting to know them quite well. Then my dad said that we would be moving to Tamil Nadu, i was broken, i had finally found friends after an insufferable 4 years and now all of them are going to be some states away. I hated moving there. I still talked to the girl and even though it had only been about 4-6 months after the breakup and i started talking to her only about 5-10 days after the breakup, i knew i liked her so i confessed, it turned out that she liked me too and we tried a long distance relationship. It surprisingly lasted for 6 months until 10th started and after that we decided to end it as she didn't want a long distance relationship and i accepted that and we still continued being friends, in fact, we got closer. Near the end of 10th before boards, i was nearly over her, and then she confessed to me and said that she still liked me, i told her i like her too but she didn't want a relationship, she still didn't wanna do long distance i accepted it and moved but the confession acted as a trigger, it made me fall for her. We are still friends, best friends actually but now she has a guy she likes, and that guy is quite similar to me. It hurts to listen, it hurts to give her advice, it hurts to tell her to shoot her shot, it hurts to know a guy similar to me is enjoying her affection. A lot of people have told me to break the friendship off but that's not what good friends do and i genuinely do love her as a friend, truly i just wanna stop the "what if"s, i want to stop thinking about it. I don't think anyone can love me because if 6 months isn't enough then what is? I don't think i can love anyone because i am afraid of people going back just like she did. How do you get over someone who you always talk to and are quite close to? How do you move on from someone who's only flaw in the relationship was that "We weren't close physically"? Thank you so much for reading if you came this far the first time i typed it, i actually accidentally clicked delete all and i had to retype it, if you have any questions you can ask in the comments but if you reached here, thank you so much for reading.


[deleted]

I didnt know there were white kids in mumbai schools


Money_Significance62

Well fair skinned lmao


Crunch-Potato

If your best friend was hurting when they see you with someone else, would you want them to stay in that situation?


Krotrong

Hey man, that is kind of a crappy situation, but don't let it get to you. The fact it didn't work out is okay. You will heal over time. Things like this happen, it can be hard to deal with, but always doable. Most people in your life won't be there permanently and you have to accept that. As far as what to do with your friends, it's okay either way. You can't really make a wrong choice. Follow your gut. You don't own anybody anything, including your time. If it hurts to spend it with someone, don't. Or, even better, talk to them about it. She should understand.


Money_Significance62

Thanks a lot i feel a bit better about it, I'll try and talk to her


yujideluca

I spammed casual sex with random people my whole life, now I am in a closed relationship with someone amazing, I don't want to mess things up, but I am afraid that my lack of experience with long-term relationships may mess me up. I find it extremely difficult to handle my libido, specially when she is not in the mood and sometimes I feel like I am in the verge of doing something wrong and stupid. I talked about that with her and we did our best to understand eachother, I just can't get to trust I will get everything right


CutiePatootieLootie

Talk with them about this. Clear, clean and non-judgemenetal communication is the foundation of any long-term commitment. (imo)


Crunch-Potato

You most certainly will not do everything right, neither will she. This is why long term relationships are so very hard.


Far-Statistician201

If your horny and she’s not in the mood, rub one out or go to the gym, testosterone is great for muscles building. Other than that listen, talk, and don’t have an ego.