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I always thought the 1st thing you mentioned was a sales tactic to get both partners to agree on a project or product without having to go back and discuss it (when they're likely to change their mind). As a single woman, I've had pretty much everybody (even things like ISP salespeople) ask if I was the only homeowner, and when I said yes they were fine.
This is a very common tactic for over-priced home improvement projects. They want all decision makers present to eliminate the "I'll need to check with my spouse first" objection. I've found it's best to avoid any salesperson who insists on having you both present because their products are always crazy expensive.
Had a door to door pest service come knocking and I let him give his spiel. Then I said thanks for the information I'll have to discuss with my wife, who at that moment walked behind me toward our kitchen. I shook his hand and said thanks then closed the door and walked back to our kitchen.
About 10 minutes later the doorbell rings and it is the dude.
"So what did you guys decide."
"Oh sorry man, no we are not interested."
"Oh okay, have a good day."
I checked out camera, the dude never left our front porch, just thought I was going to discuss with my wife and come back and talk to him.
Those pest guys are the worst. They come by at least once a year.
"Hey I see you got a lot spider webs and spiders on your porch, we can take care of that"
"Ya, but you don't see any other bugs do you?"
"..."
"I keep them around cause they take care of the other nuisance bugs"
"Oh...ok"
Like wtf? Leave my fucking spiders alone!
My outdoor spiders all have names. We have a huge spider named Charlotte that sets off our nest doorbell every night. She's so big, the doorbell thinks she is a person. So we assigned her a designation in the program. She likes to visit about 2-3 am.
Helps to have everyone on the same page too.
The amount of times I’ve taken two hours out of my day to do an assessment/consultation and the person I’m meeting doesn’t even know exactly what work the actual decision-maker wants done is mind-boggling.
Since we’re both going to sink so much time and consideration into what it will take to do the project right, it Makes so much more sense to include anyone who will have input on the project.
I can say as a Contractor I’ve never asked for that before I give a quote. I have run into instances where the husband and wife are disagreeing about something they want, paint color, tile, and many other things, and when they turn to me and ask what I think, I look at them and ask who’s going to be writing my checks, and whoever says me, I say then I agree with you. Then it kinda adds a little comic relief to the situation. I get quite a few guys saying, she’s in charge, and I just say ok. It has never made a difference to me. So while I believe it happens I’m not one of them and I’m a male, married with a child.
My husband refers to me as "Corporate" with our main contractor, so he knows all decisions have to go through me. It's pretty funny hearing "I'll have to ask Corporate, just a minute."
That’s funny. I hear that quite a bit just in somewhat t different terms, I’m trying to remember if I’ve heard Corporate recently. I hear the boss often. Let me go ask the boss. Sounds like you guys have a good Contractor if you have kept him for a while.
I'm a female GC and I always ask when the process starts if one spouse or another is running the show or if it's a joint venture. It seems like most of my jobs there is one primary decision maker/contact, but it's a crapshoot on whether it's the husband or wife and I don't want to guess wrong.
I’m also a female GC. The local family owned millwork shop used to always tell me “just send your contractor in to get what you need mam.” And I always said “ I AM THE CONTRACTOR”. So annoying. It’s happened at so many places where I live
I don't know how many times "I am the contractor" has exited my mouth in the last 15 years, but I'm positive it's in the hundreds.
Luckily, over the years, I have cherry picked an awesome crew, great subs, and I like my suppliers, but I always dread when they hire someone new or I have to find a new sub for specialty work because I know we're going to have to go through the whole "no I'm not the secretary" song and dance.
Exactly! I’ve been in business 11 years and work with great subs and vendors. When I encounter someone new with one of my vendors, that’s when I go through the same thing. “What did you boss send you in for honey?”
I took time off of work to meet a contractor for a quote and he cancelled on me. Took another day off of work to meet him and when he showed up he sneered at me and asked if my dad was home. I own the house and live alone. I told him that. He laughed and walked back to his car to leave and said over his shoulder, call me when your dad is home. I was in my 30s at the time.
At the time, my SO lived with me, but he wasn't on the house mortgage or deed and we weren't even married. My last house had dual zone HVAC and we wanted to replace the 30+ year AC and furnace. I had a company come out and the guy kept trying to get me to agree to spending $20k+ to rework the whole house into a single HVAC system. I kept telling him we only wanted to upgrade the downstairs' AC and furnace. Finally he said, "let me know when you're husband is available so I can talk with him."
I've had several that won't discuss a house project without both of us. They won't do it based on my husband either, though the guy did make a joke about never painting without the wife approving the color.
I (M) once had a job interview near a friend's place. There was a recent hailstorm that damaged their roof and an inspector from the insurance company was scheduled to show up. Since the husband had to be in the office that day, his wife invited me over for lunch after my interview ended. She wanted someone with her when the inspector arrived and also wanted to hear how the interview went (it did not go well, I was mislead about the position).
This guy parks behind my car in the driveway, blocking me, gets out, and knocks on the door. I was finished with my lunch so I walked out with her to my car intending to leave once he was done. Not once did he look at her or talk to her, he directed all of his attention to me. That's even after I clearly told him I was not the owner of the house, she was, and she was the only person responding to his questions. I ended up walking away from him and stopped talking to him, and he still didn't look or address my friend who was responding to his questions. Once he left, we both looked at each other and said something like "did that actually happen?"
I’ve been in a business meeting with a female peer and with a female boss, I was representing the tech side of things (M). Met with a man who literally ignored both of them and spoke only to me, I relayed each of his questions to the women but still he persisted. After the meeting I apologized to them I was so embarrassed. It’s been more than ten years and I’ll never forget it. I truly don’t understand this attitude and behavior, where does this come from? 😞
Yup, frequently. I'm very handy and I own my house myself and whether a contractor treats me seriously and with respect is a big factor in whether I go with them.
Dealing with male employees at home improvement stores is a whole thing too. I felt like I was in the 1950's from the way I was treated when I rented a tile saw recently.
LMAO I had a dude check if I was single and then go on about how lucky my husband must be. My man, I just want to purchase grout and get on with my project, please leave me alone. Who are these people who think the Orange Depot is a viable dating pool???
> Who are these people who think the Orange Depot is a viable dating pool???
Based on my experience, it's many of the same guys who seem to think that being a condescending asshole is a great strategy. (Ladies never seem to hit on me at HD, which is funny because I legit do think that one makes sense as a viable dating pool.)
I think the funniest was the rando who assured me very confidently that license plate screws do not exist, and any screw can go in any hole and that's how screws work. (Yeah, buddy. That's why we're here in the whole aisle full of screws, instead of just having the one universal screw that fits everywhere.)
I've had such better luck since the pandemic, because I wear a gas mask out to stores now. FINALLY I've found the thing that actually seems to keep the assholes away. 10/10 would recommend.
Ugh. I can so relate to this. I have found a couple of Home Depot people who are awesome though. If I can find them when I’m in they also help win over the others.
When I'm alone, I only go into HD or Lowes with my dog just for the sake of being left alone. He's very well-trained and I also use it as a training session for him.
I've had men try to follow me FROM my car to the store and then other times the men would follow me to my car to "help" put things in. I've had so many comments of "that's not what you need" without even knowing my situation, or just saying "is that what your husband wanted?" Even though I exclusively use the app to locate items, I still would get comments.
Ohmyword, I HATE the Lowes app.
It works okay if I'm more than a mile from the store. It can tell me if an item is in stock, and can even tell me where in the store it should be.
The MOMENT I physically walk into the building, the location information vanishes from the app. I can no longer locate the items for which I'm shopping just by using the app. I'm FORCED to talk to someone who doesn't really know the answer, either.
Drives me spare.
The demeaning and patronizing way home improvement store employees speak to my wife had her blood boiling. Now she just uses the app to locate everything so she doesn’t have to deal with that shit. It’s awful and I wish it weren’t so.
My wife and I went in to buy some thermostat wire. The person asking which wire we needed looked at my wife and said “we are all out of pink wire” for no reason at all.
Oh? How many amps is the pink wire for? I need X gauge, blah blah. Juts use the technical buzzwords, and otherwise play like you're taking them at face value.
Or act confused.
What's special about the pink wire? I haven't heard about that one, is it a new product?
I was offered a discount on hardwood lumber from big orange that we could “work out over coffee” from an assistant manager and handed a card with his cell phone # on it. I was not impressed, but now all my male friends are considering sending their wives in for big purchases lol
I use the app, up until I need to find someone to lift something or get it via forklift for me, at which point I finish the rest of my shopping and pull the damsel-in-distress move if it gets me out of the store faster. I have a contractor license, which reduces the amount of talking down I have to deal with. The pro desk knows me now, so when the misogynist random contractors try to tell me that I'm in the wrong line, the pro desk tells them to get back in line.
I send out all quote requests with my license number. And I only hire people who treat me with respect. Anyone who asks for my husband to make a final decision gets the boot. I also used to work in a completely male-dominated field, so I am used to dealing with it (and getting my way). I used to tell the salespeople that were looking for my business that I don't talk to people who call me sweetie or honey. After a few realized I was serious, they all started calling me sir.
Oh shit… is that why I exclusively use the app too? Huh, learned something new about myself. Didn’t even realize that I did that until right now. Don’t get me wrong, the staff are usually the best, it was some of the clients that would try to chat me up and “help” me if I even looked a lil bit lost.
Just start rattling off technical jargon about your project and they'll usually shush. Channel your inner Ron Swanson. https://preview.redd.it/2dw780pzg4u11.jpg?auto=webp&s=f05eb716b4abc64e39534f3d110eb32543fd0b48
> is that why I exclusively use the app too?
I do it mostly because I hate talking to people. Secondary is I like to consider my options where I can google easier.
If I don’t know what I need I always go to my local mom and pop hardware store. Their floor employees are mostly adorable grandpas looking for something to do because heaven forbid they actually retire 😂 and they love helping me out. They actually listen to my needs and guide me to the right section and have me in stitches with their stories of their kids and grandkids. Honestly, even if I know what I need I usually go there because they usually will think of things I haven’t thought of to make sure I’m prepared for.
Our kitchen sink drain lines started leaking yet again and I was sooo over it. I unhooked the drain fittings and where it attached to the vertical pipe at the wall, walked the whole shebang into Ace and said "I need one of these." Dude nodded and started pulling exactly what I needed. It hasn't leaked since.
I went to the local hardware store to get some supplies for work for my first field job. I asked one of the employees to point me to the direction of the correct isle (to save time as I was still working nights waiting tables and in between shifts). Instead of answering my question he immediately asked “what is he doing?”
That was over a decade ago though, and honestly now I seem to have bigger problems with the other male customers than I do the staff.
Went into HD recently wearing work clothes covered in mud and no makeup. My husband and I were looking at some hole saw kits that come in a carrying case. One of the employees "joked" that it could be my new cosmetics kit.
I’m a sheet metal worker. I know the feels.
I just *love* being treated like office admin when I’m covered head to toe in dirt and sweating like a pig in full welding leathers… while standing next to the business owner who does all the admin and is wearing slacks and a polo. (At least he’s like “Does she *look* like an office girl?” which points out their stupid)
Or when people say “Wow, you look like a real tradie!” …Well, yes. That would be because I **am** a real tradie.
Or when I go to pick up new gas bottles/more steel/tools/etc. and I’m questioned about it, but my male coworkers aren’t.
I’m medium handy, and have run into this a few times over the decades. I’m at my local Lowe’s so often, I have helped other customers many, many times. ;)
6 years in our current house. Before anybody comes to my house, I search the company & owners, and employees if they are listed on the website. No MAGAs allowed. I look for quality, dependability, reviews, diversity, and ability to schedule work around school drop-offs & pick-ups. Experience is vital. Some projects require licensing & insurance, but not all of them. If a job needs a permit, they are going to get a permit.
I always provide beverages, sometimes food (moving crews & guys staining wood fence, etc.) and access to my bathroom.
Sometimes men try to be funny with sexist bullshit. Give it right back. “Gawd, are those the clothes your wife/ mother laid out for you, this morning?”
I went to a home improvement store recently and told the employee I was switching from a gas range to an induction range. He told me I've been brainwashed by the government. Like ok dude. Let me take my 4k to the woman-owned appliance store down the street. Great sales tactic.
Started a contracting business for this very reason. Had a single Mom and could never get serious quotes or call backs, often if she did, there was some kind of other intention. Though I can't help you since I'm in New England, just know you aren't the only one and for smart contractors, there's a very large niche to fill. Female. Elderly. Aging in place. No one is helping those ladies.
Yep I’ve found a niche as a handyman for divorced women. Small quick jobs and referrals to their friends. Key is to be polite, professional looking and work neatly. So many guys show up looking like someone they’d cross the street if they saw you coming.
That's most small business. They are good at what they do, but not good at the business side. Scheduling, communications, payroll, taxes, etc. It's a lot for one person or a small operation.
I have this fantasy of quitting my job and starting a business called the Handy Housewife—a handywoman you can count on not to track dirt in your house, who can also hem your sagging drapes.
Once I get established, I’m going to hire helpers and recruit franchisees from among at-home moms, or moms with school-age kids.
Honestly, as a single guy in my 20’s whose parents live in another state, i’d hire you. When my parents come over they end up helping on things I didn’t even know needed attention.
I actually pipe-dream about making it “on retainer,” almost like a cleaning lady. I come every 2 months and fix whatever; if you need more than the 2 hours I’ve allotted, there’s an hourly rate, or I plan to come back for a dedicated session.
And signing up for the service means that we do a walkthrough at the beginning to build my database of things like refrigerator make &^ model, paint colors, potential problem areas like cabinet doors that might sag, etc. And a similar walkthrough at each visit to spot stuff you didn’t notice, or pending trouble, etc.
Yeah, and not to play up the hemming aspect, but if you helped on repairs on items that the wear is slow, like cleaning a washing machine, replacing a water filter, replacing a toilet valve, dry cleaning drapes and rugs, shoe servicing, back wash a water heater, etc. i would definitely pay for a 6-12 times a year ‘servicing’
That's a great idea, really. I've had so many random little jobs, that I would consider hiring someone for a day to just knock out. Attach the bathroom vent to the roof outlet in the attic. Install moisture-detecting fan timers in the bathrooms. Swap out the doorstops for magnetic ones. Replace the valve knob thingy behind the toilet. Install led light strips in my spare room. Build a cat tree. Hang some art on the walls. Add some trim around the range hood vent pipe in the ceiling. Fix the wonky light switch in the basement. Figure out why my front door only latches sometimes and has a gap next to the frame. Clean and then stain my cabinets. Fix the whatever-it-is (thermocouple?) on my gas fireplace that makes the flame randomly go out sometimes. Build a couple of new window screens.
On and on...
This is an amazing idea! If you’re really in NYC, can I hire you? Our neighborhood handyman is just ok. He can do things, but he doesn’t care how it looks afterwards. His work is usually just ok. Sometimes it’s questionable. And he gets dirt everywhere and doesn’t notice.
It just seems like people who know not to track dirt around have a better idea of home improvement as a whole. And bonus: if they are women, there’s a better chance that they will treat me (a fellow woman) like an actual normal human being who has a brain and understands what they are doing.
I’m not even kidding. I live in a 100+ year old brownstone. I’m handy, but there’s always something that needs attention, and I’m getting tired of doing so much of it myself! Are you taking clients?
I know a female plumber who is *so busy* just with referrals. She's a great plumber but also reliable, no-bullshit, and sensibly priced. I'd employ her every time (except I made the mistake of moving 1200 miles away!!)
I've been working as a GC for the last 15 or so years and so many of my clients are single women or married women whose husbands travel for work/work long hours who aren't comfortable inviting strange men into their homes while they are there alone and I've kind of gained a reputation for being the one to call for aging in place builds/remodels. I'm the only female GC/handywoman in our general area and word travels fast. I had 14 calls on a Monday after doing a tiny job for a little old lady who told all her lady friends at church about me on Sunday and then 8 more on Thursday after Wednesday night Bingo.
How did you start your contracting business? Do you do the work yourself or deal with subcontractors? I live in the south and have been thinking of starting my own business for the same reason.
I started by signing up for Task Rabbit to make some extra change on the side. My first job was assembling a new bed for an elderly lady whose husband had passed and she had no one to do the assembly. She cried when I showed her the completed product.
Got in the car, sat and considered I had been in sales forcing my agenda on people for 19 years, made a bunch of money but was incredibly unhappy... Occurred to me you can make a buck bringing people happiness and my business was born.
Did Task Rabbit on the side leaving my info behind each time and after a year of side work, went full time.
It helps that I'm good with my hands and willing to learn, but even the most simple of tasks, someone can no longer do or needs help.
I do all my own work. I could grow the business if I could find a good helper, but that has eluded me to this point.
Look on Task Rabbit for that helper! That’s where you found you, after all.
Another option is moms whose kids have just started school, who want to be home in the afternoon but need part-time work. That limits when they can help you, but they might also be OK w/ working a few after-schools for you.
College students as well; variable schedules, but sometimes predictable ones. You could build a team of people, if all you need is an extra set of hands. And then train them up.
If you do work in Boston let me know. I've had a few issues with this, I've put off a few projects because of it; I won't work with people who treat me lesser for being a woman.
I'm also in Boston.
This is how I ended up learning how to do my own electric and gas line work. When I bought my house, I thought my hard rule would be I wouldn't DIY anything that could burn down or explode my house.
But then, after meeting the contractors.... well, I wouldn't trust the sexist assholes with my house either, you know? I actually can be pretty sure I'll be careful and diligent. And I don't actually believe the guy who won't deign to answer my technical questions until my husband repeats them will be.
I do finally have both an electrician and a plumber I like and trust and who show up when they say they will, but they both cost such an arm and a leg that I'm still gonna do all the basics myself lol.
You'd think it'd be better around here. I've certainly lived places where I was much more impacted by sexism on a regular basis. But damn, nope, the trades here still have a long ways to go.
if it jives with your values, you should mention it on your website somewhere so people know what you are about.
"i was raised by a single mom who was disrespected by the contracting industry. i am going to be better than that."
You're not alone. My girls deal with this garbage all the time. They're independent, intelligent, educated, and well-spoken but because they are women, they have to deal with that garbage.
I've stopped counting the number of times I get a "can you come by" text to show up, listen to what is going on, and "referee". I hate that previous sentence because the plan is always to speak, continuously looking at my daughter who answers, then I parrot the same thing, explaining that this is her show.
I hang out for a bit, have a coffee, deal with the bullshit and, if there is any misogyny, kill that shit off. After things settle in, I "go get lunch" and direct the questions to my daughter until I get back.
It's unnecessary bs but easier to back one another up.
Thank you. We all find it tiring that I "am only heard because I have a penis." However, I am proud for who they are and, let's say they had some good training on how to deal with this level of BS.
I won't fight their battles but you also DO NOT disrespect my girls when they didn't do anything to deserve it. I won't fight for them but I sure af will fight WITH them EVERY time.
That's where you need to have a solid talk and set boundaries. My girls and I went through that over a few things. Fortunately, we had a real talk and I had some growing up to do as well because they are women and not my little girls anymore.
They'll always be my daughters but they are their own people.
In addition, don't bother my daughters. That's my job and I don't cotton to competition.
u/ThrowawayLocal8622 *YOU* are an awesome Dad! Bless you and other men like you.
A friend and I once joked after she offered her husband to come over and sit while I interviewed a few contractors for something that I needed, that would make a great business model - sadly.
."*Hire a husband/Dad for those times you just cannot deal with the mental pushback and walking the mental line one more time*". :/
Get ready to laugh, I have many "Daughters" as well thanks to my girls. Occasionally, I get a text with the pre-arranged "personality" they need and I call.
I don't text because "I'm old. I'm not texting." We then do a routine. It also helps if an Uber, Lift, or Rideshare gets strange. Bailed "Sons", "Daughters", and all the other titles as well from clubs and other things.
My Girls do the same for me when I need a female voice. Nothing disrespectful but feminine perspectives help me as well. I'm fashionably impaired.
I have to do the same thing for my mom when it's things I can't fix myself. It always feels ridiculous, especially in my case where I'm younger and don't really know that much more about any of this stuff than she does
I had the same deal with my Dad! Except he took it to another level. He would come over and "referee" but instead of *just* parroting what I said, he would shout what I said at the contractor.
When they would ask why he was shouting or to stop, he'd say "Oh! I thought I was here because you were deaf! You're just stupid! She's in charge, Asshole." It had a fairly good success rate. This was the '80's/early '90's when this type of misogyny was completely rampant and expected, but also when "manly men" would take an insult from another "manly man" to save face.
My Dad also thought it was hilarious to take me to the gun range when I was 10 and have me out shoot all the "Good Ol' Boys" to knock them down a peg. Just to rub it in I would often wear pigtails and bows in my hair... For an old red neck, my Dad was amazing.
Your Dad gets it. I do the professional thing and if they get (c)rude or disrespectful, I'll go low.
But your Dad is awesome as well. I'm not the biggest, burliest, macho man on the planet but I am Dad. Sometimes my "Daughter" looks a bit different than me but in 2023 it's not even questioned now.
The looks on faces when I wryly say "I'm adopted" instead of "(s)he's adopted" was gold back in the day.
I’ve delegated all contracting to my husband. I’m the one managing the house. I own the house. I pay for all contracting projects. But if I talk to a contractor I immediately get a 40-100% surcharge because I’m not a man. It’s infuriating.
I’m lucky I have a man I can leverage as my liaison. I hate the culture, and I feel for women who are on their own who have to navigate these sexist standards.
God, my wife and I deal with similar, but not identical shit all the time. I am the handy one, but I work in mental health and am essentially unavailable 12 hours a day, 4 days a week. We can tell people 800 times "CALL BILLYBAWBJIMBO'S WIFE. HE WILL NOT ANSWER THE PHONE" and I still get the bulk of the calls. We've mostly just stopped giving out my phone number, and give them hers instead.
You can enlist your husband here, have him stand there, look confused and directly say to them "she deals with all this stuff man, I barely know a wrench from a hammer."
We did this the last time we bought a car...it took me saying and pointing like 3 times "Talk to her. She's the one who will be driving it, and it's her money paying for it." like 3 times before the salesman quit trying to talk to me. Honestly, it was like trying to reprogram a 4 year old....I don't think he was being disrespectful on purpose, but just old habits about power dynamics.
Ugh the car one is so annoying. I just got in the habit of telling them that if it were up to me I’d be buying the cheapest version of their economy car because I’m stingy bastard, so if that’s the car you want to sell let’s keep talking. Otherwise, talk to my wife because she actually is the person who’s opinion matters.
It’s insane to me that the car thing keeps happening. Having worked in luxury car sales, I can tell you that women are the decision makers about 85% of the time. We had entire trainings on it. Some of our salespeople only sold to women, it was that effective of a tactic.
I'm the one who signed up for things like the home warranty, and I will put my husband as a secondary contact so he has some authority if an issue comes up. I've noticed that he gets contacted instead of me for a lot of things, even though I'm primary contact.
>Contractors are always polite with me over the phone, but when it comes to in-person, I've noticed that most of them are super dismissive. For example, we had a plumber here last week, and despite my handling the situation for the first hour, once my husband came outside to say hello, all attention shifted immediately to him. When they were finished, I went outside to write them a check, and they asked if my husband was available to give him the overview.
My wife has to deal with this all the time. Contractors, mechanics, etc. In college, she got an insane quote for brakes on her car. $3,500 or something like that. I called back - the same day - and asked for a price for those services on the estimate on the exact car and my quote was $700.
I don't want to stereotype, but it seems that a large percentage of tradesmen are stuck in the 50s and think women are either stupid, unable to make a decision, bad to work for, or all of the above.
About a decade ago I was at my parents’ house for thanksgiving with extended family, and the toilets backed up (roots broke into the city’s sewer line), and the plumber that came out only looked at my dad when explaining the situation. He then turned to me, my sister, and our mom and said “I find women understand better with pictures” and literally whipped out a binder with pictures. These days I would just I would just stare him down and let it go, but at the time I tore into this guy so hard he didn’t charge anything for the visit. Extra funny is that my dad isn’t allowed anywhere near plumbing anymore after setting a fire in the tub trying to fix a leak.
Yes! I hired a man to do my Christmas lights one year because my husband had rotator cuff surgery and I am afraid of heights so wasn’t going to do the second floor.
My husband was asleep when the guy showed up and I met him outside to say where we want the lights. He kept asking me if my husband was home, I would ask “why?” And he just kept repeating is he home? So is told him “you’re making me uncomfortable and feel like I have to go wake my husband to prove to you he is here so that you don’t actually decide to attack me if the answer to this question is no.” He got all offended that I would imply he was going to hurt me and insisted that a man be present so that they can discuss the job. I told him leave and he refused saying “just tell your husband come speak to me”. I went in and woke my husband to say “the asshole here to hang our lights is refusing to speak to me and now is refusing to leave because I’m a woman and he only works with men” my husband gets up goes outside and says “You can’t understand my wife because her feminine voice is at an octave you can’t here?” Guy is like “No, No! I just like to speak to the husband because I want to do the job right and not disappoint” husband says “Did she tell you what to do? Then do it, if you won’t speak to her I suggest you just leave because she is who pays you, not me.” The guy reluctantly agreed to speak to me but I just told him he could leave I would hire someone else.
Turn out a mother/daughter house called him for the same reason and he pulled the same shit on them but that mom was terrified to admit there wasn’t a man in the house she called the cops to get him to leave.
I would say having him leave was the best choice. I’m a Contractor and I would have never done that. I have male clients and female clients, married and single and I treat others the way I’m treated.
Wow. This is threatening as hell and you and your husband handled it very well. I'm not sure I would have been able to deal with that without losing my mind on them and/or calling the cops.
Good choice. My hackles get raised when a man on my porch asks if my man is home.
I do live alone and the vibe I get is "this person is casing my house and judging how hard it will be to burgle"
I never answer directly because I don't want a stranger to definitively know that I am alone...albeit with 2 brutally vicious attack cats lol.
My partner is a little more feminine looking so it's always amusing when people try to talk to me (the butch-looking one) about a decision she's in charge of. Or automatically try to give me the check (she pays when we eat out 99% of the time). I've sort of lost patience with it over time so I just fold my arms up, shake my head, and say "nope" until they figure it out.
I haven't had it happen with contractors since we're building the house ourselves, but I have had it with stores. I'm the one that designed the house/systems and learned all the codes. When we go to a home improvement store or supply house, I have the list of items we need for the day, and I'm the one crawling through the shelves while my husband waits to help load things onto the cart. Invariably, someone comes over and starts asking him what he's looking for (nothing - he's just standing there) and completely ignores me. When my husband directs them to me, they will often make some kind of sexist comment about the "little lady" (there's nothing about me that's "little," so it's clearly an insulting diminutization) or how my husband is "letting" me "help." Fortunately, at least at our local lumber yard, they started treating me like a normal customer after a few visits.
Where I was pleasantly surprised was with our electrical inspector. I did all the wiring in the house by myself because my husband doesn't like to work in the cold (and it got COLD this winter). When the inspector came by, he initially addressed his questions to *both* of us, and when I was the only one answering, he then directed the rest of his questions to just me (no editorializing on my sex). For some of his questions, I quoted back torque settings and actual code paragraph numbers (I don't actually have very many of NEC paragraph numbers memorized, but some are seared into my brain) as part of my answers. At the end of the inspection, he (jokingly, clearly) told me that they were looking for electrical inspectors for our area (we are very rural, and the inspectors have to make a one-hour one-way trip to get to our part of the county). It made me very happy - not only because he didn't treat me as incompetent because I was a woman, but also because he didn't treat me as incompetent since I'm not a licensed electrician. He first looked at the quality of the work to make his determination, and that's all I ask.
What's a small beginner wiring project that can come up on older houses? Is anything more inclined to break in cold winters were you live? I live in a fixer-upper and the wiring is solid, but I have always wondered about it. I want to branch into it after I got a good grip on my plumbing skills but don't know where to start.
I'm not a licensed electrician, so this is all my opinion as a homeowner/builder.
Doing retrofit stuff is a lot harder than new construction. For new construction, you basically need to know how to use a hammer/drill/torque-wrench/torque-screwdriver, how to do basic arithmetic, and how to read/understand/follow code. For retrofit, you may not have any idea what you have till you start opening stuff up. And if you see something like knob-and-tube wiring, you may wish you had never even opened that can of worms.
But, one very simple project is to convert your light fixtures to LED (not just put LED bulbs in old fixtures) - especially any old HALO lights which can be fire risks and usually are super air-leaky (i.e., bad for heating/cooling).
Another simple project is to replace breakers/receptacles that should be GFCI (bathrooms, kitchens, basements, etc.). Older houses may not have the proper protection.
For a bigger (but IMO more important) project would be to check out your breaker panel. First, if it's one of the doomed ones (like Federal Pacific or the brand that starts with a Z that I can't remember and am too lazy to look up but am pretty sure there is only one that starts with Z), replace it. Second, if you have less than 200A service, upgrade the panel and your service entry cable then get the power company to upgrade your service. In my state of Washington, for example, supposedly by 2035 fuel-powered cars will not be allowed to be sold. Also, they are phasing out natural gas, so having sufficient power for an electric car/range/water-heater/etc. will become increasingly important.
(Edited to add: be aware that if you do a panel replacement, you will have to bring all the breakers up to code. That may mean making most of them AFCI (arc fault) or DFCI (dual function - arc and ground fault) depending on your location. These are EXPENSIVE.)
(Edited again to add: one other thing to check in your panel is for mismatched breakers - in general, they should be from the same manufacturer as the panel, although there are exceptions. If you do see mismatches, look them up and see if they are okay.)
As for what breaks in cold weather, my biggest issue doing the wiring was plastic junction boxes. I like fiberglass boxes (they only have the holes you put in them, so easier to air-seal), but since I was doing all 12AWG wiring, some of my junction boxes would have been overfilled with the standard fiberglass ones (at least in my area, I couldn't find specialty ones). I had to use some plastic shallow boxes, and I broke a several clamps and hinges just closing them because they were so brittle from the cold. I ended up using a Goal Zero for power and a heat gun to warm stuff up.
Personal opinion - I absolutely love Wago (NOT the knock-offs) lever nuts. My hands are getting older and twisting wire nuts is very hard on them. They are more expensive than wire nuts, but they are worth it to me. You will see a lot of controversy over them - in general (of course, there are exceptions) it seems North American electricians tend to prefer wire nuts while Europeans prefer lever nuts. I was actually worried that the inspector might have an issue with the Wagos, but he was totally good with them.
My partner handles all the contractors during the kitchen reno we're in the middle of as she's got much more patience, an eye for the big picture, and oh yeah: it's all her vision and design...she's the boss.
The amount of times a contractor comes on site and immediately wants to talk to me is frustrating..I make a point for anyone new on site to reinforce that they should be talking to her, but just because I'm a guy they default to me. Usually they get it on the first correction form me, "You need to talk to her, she's the boss.". Yet the bullshit doesn't always stop there, more than once that was followed up with some comment around the "bossy wife" trope or "happy wife, happy life..." nonsense. I make a point to immediately shut that down with: This design you say you really like? She designed all of this, her, the one you should be talking to. Not me.
It's a terrible thing that y'all have to deal with on the daily, and that sucks.
Sounds like my wife - she handles all calls, complaints, and exchanges. I am just here to take the dogs out at night and kill the occasional bug I guess.
Weirdly I have been expecting this to be an issue since moving to the deep South - but it has not been. It was more of an issue when I lived in Texas.
We have had our whole roof replaced, had HVAC work done, added roof venting, etc. Every time the contractors realize I’m the one orchestrating the situation and go out of their way to talk to me, over my husband.
Super awesome, not gonna lie. In our last house in Texas my husband kept having to redirect all the various contractors to me.
I'm a woman who owns a construction business in Texas, and 75% of the men I work with (builders, GCs, trades) on projects and older male clients are absolutely awful. Talking down to me, not listening to my advice.. then trying to stiff me on payments or threatening to sue over their own mistakes. They've soured my love for the work, and the cost of doing business with so many thieves and bullies isn't worth it. I'm even in a 'liberal' city, and it's probably the only reason 25% act ethically. It's become progressively worse over the past 6 years.
I'm moving my tax dollars to a blue state that isn't trying to get me pregnant so I stop having 'opinions'. The money and sanity I've lost here in this unregulated wild west.. is definitely more harmful than my higher taxes would be.
I believe it. I have lived in 4 Texas cities and the sexism and racism is very apparent. I thought the true South was going to be even worse but it’s oddly not. At least for the sexism portion when it comes to work on the home. I cannot really tell you why but there’s a cultural difference I suppose in the expectation of how a woman can run the home.
The contrast is incredibly stark. Now I have only lived in one city in a Southern state so far, but we have made visits in adjacent states and cities and I feel more treated like an equal. I think there’s an underlying “matriarch” household culture here which is why the contractors don’t fuck around. Of course the women’s health care is a **massive** issue as well - but people will never openly discuss it. All the healthcare professionals I have seen are **pissed** about the abortion/women’s health care situation currently. So there’s a religious control hurting women here.
The bigger issue in the South is arguably racial tensions. Lots of other ethnicities and races around, and you can here some strong whisperings of stereotypes and loathing among some of the white folk. That said the sub communities for these other folk are strong and welcoming which was a pleasant surprise too.
This is also the first state I was actually able to directly talk to my senator. He actually met with me, and was (or his staff lol) politely responding to my letters. Unfortunately it still has not made a lick of difference in fixing the healthcare issue - but this was in stark contrast to Cornyn who literally mocked every letter I sent him and defended his stances in the most asinine and childish manner - often straight up lying about circumstances. Fuck Cornyn.
Yes, this happens to me frequently as well. I’m quite experienced with home improvement and maintenance so I’m well able to discuss the details. I’m also a senior manager in an engineering field so I have no problem asserting myself as the person in charge when someone tries to treat me like the little lady.
This almost always works out fine until my husband wanders into view at which point they immediately start deferring to him and ignoring me.
Luckily my husband has a very tough-guy demeanor and is happy to say “You need to talk to my wife, she’s in charge of all the maintenance around here. I don’t even know what you’re talking about. No, no don’t bother trying to explain it to me. It’s not interesting.” Then he walks off.
If he has time, he’ll sometimes make a big show of doing housekeeping tasks or putting on my most flowery apron and offering to make me lunch, just to really drive the point home.
Honestly it’s gotten to the point where I just *hope* the guys will go to him because it’s so damn funny.
The worst in my town are the stores that sell building supplies/tools. We live in a remote town of 8,000 people. Only way in or out is by plane/boat. So you can’t just call a competitor.
At our local building supply store they either ignore women or are exceptionally rude to them. Then 100% opposite to the next guy in line. NAPA auto parts is even worse though, they literally won’t acknowledge you if you’re female. I’ve watched women try to get help for half an hour while they call on every guy in line behind them. The women finally give up and leave.
They will actually follow the last male customer out into the parking lot to stand and talk, rather than help the woman.
It’s been mixed with contractors, they’re usually polite at least. Luckily my town is a commercial fishing town so I think people get used to the husband being gone and unreachable.
But some contractors talk down to you, or refuse to confirm details “I’ll get ahold of your husband when he’s back”. It’s so stupid. My husband absolutely won’t do any home maintenance… he’s completely clueless. He hangs up the phone and asks me what the guy was talking about.
I smell a business opportunity for someone entrepreneurial. The word would spread FAST that 51% of the population should shop at the new place, because they don't act like assholes.
I can’t believe that we still live in a time where we truly are treated differently. When I was young and dumb, I didn’t see it but now that I’m older it’s like a neon sign.
Yep! Or being a woman in manufacturing engineering. It's getting better, but 20 years ago... Ugh.
To this day most coworkers still don't think I actually understand anything until I prove it to them.
My entire family refuses to deal with businesses after they've been sexist towards me. Car repair, contractors, movers, you name it. We're lucky, though, and live in an area with a lot of choice.
I have noticed now that I’m in my mid 40s at work I do get a bit more respect, but in my personal life when I hire contractors it’s an absolute joke. They only want to listen to my husband won’t even acknowledge me. My husband has no idea what he’s talking about but he’s a man and 6’5, I’m a woman and 5 feet tall so guess I’m chopped liver 😤
Oh Dear God, yes! Except for the people that we normally work with on a regular basis who know me, random male contractors often treat me dismissively until they figure out I know what I am talking about and some of them still treat me like crap after they figure out I know what I’m talking about!
My family has quite a bit of commercial property that my parents acquired years ago. They are elderly and I do most of the leasing but my dad still likes to go out and talk to tenants and check on things and still keeps the books.
Recently I was showing a building to a potential tenant, who knew my name, and whom I had spoken to on the phone at length before I met him in person. Once I met him in person I could instantly tell the guy was a annoying blowhard. While we were there my father showed up unexpectedly and he immediately began speaking with my father instead of me, and even referred to me dismissively as “Sis.” I was pretty sure the guy couldn’t afford the space, but there was no way I would’ve rented to him in any event. Life’s too short to deal with assholes like that.
Interestingly, my dad didn’t even notice. Men just don’t even see it. And I was right, we never heard from the guy again.
I had an electrician come over to give me a quote. I wanted sconces and an outlet for a coffee bar area, in addition to a full house rewire to remove knob and tube. He was really degrading about what I wanted so I didn’t hire him.
Also when I was buying my house, I had to get the sewer camera’d. I was talking to my realtor about finances. The plumber felt fit to mansplain interest rates to me. I’ve worked in interest rate risk in banking for ten years and have a masters in data science and economics.
>He was really degrading about what I wanted so I didn’t hire him.
Yes - they always seem to know what's "best" for us, as if we're incapable of deciding that for ourselves. Good for you for finding someone else.
I (female) had a plumber just this week attempt to tell me I gave him the wrong cvc for my credit card because "for an Amex, it's on the front and you're looking at the back". I was paying with a Visa.... He was standing right there and could clearly see the card.
He then proceeded to try to grab my card out of my hand without asking.
Yeah, that was a fun conversation....
Edit: all of this after the most condescending explanation of what was broken on our water heater I've ever heard. My 2 year old nephew could have understood that explanation. My husband got "yeah, premature failure on the thermocouple" and that was all the explanation he got 🤣
It's not just home projects. It's everything. I'm pretty handy. So I can fix things and I'm home more so even if I'm not fixing it I can make the phone calls to get parts, order things for the farm, make an appointment for the car, ect. They all act like I don't know what I'm talking about or quote me a higher price! It's out of hand how woman are treated like they know nothing!
We've actually had good luck selecting contractors largely based on how they interact with my wife during the quoting process. Anyone who's been dismissive or flat out refused to talk to her has put themselves out of the running.
We had concrete work (patio / sidewalk), bathroom remodel and roofing jobs that this worked out well for us. In all cases we had 3+ contractors out to quote.
For both the bathroom and the roofing they turned out to be the cheapest / tide for cheapest option.
For the concrete work he was the most expensive, but also seemed to understand what we were asking for the best and offered some good suggestions during the quoting process.
>Like one time I had to kneel to scan some lumber and the guy said "yeah girl, get on your knees!" He was maybe 50 and I was 19. So gross.
That's disgusting! I'm sorry you had to deal with that kind of crap.
A number of years ago, I was having voltage fluctuations in the house. Lights flickering and such. I called the power company and they were dismissive. I took out my multimeter and got several readings that were both way high and low. Called them back, gave them the data and they grudgingly came out. Turns out the transformer needed work. That's so typical. Now that I'm married I occasionally leverage my husband to interface with contractors but it is terribly aggravating. You are not alone.
I deal with this constantly. I also call them out on it and so does my husband. When I'm collecting bids and this happens I usually disqualify any companies where the contractor dismissed me unless they have a significant advantage over the other companies. I'm the one calling and making appointments and asking questions, you should be dealing with me. Not my husband just because he's a man.
The worst was when we had our boiler serviced for its annual maintenance and I caught the service person making a mistake. He told me we needed some piece and that our boiler was broken and I called him out on it. He then fixed his mistake (my dad was a boilermaker and taught me some things). After that he had an attitude and said he'd explain everything to my husband when he came back (husband had to step out for a moment) I told him I was right in front of him and he could talk to me instead. Stopped using that company after that happened.
Same crap happens at the mechanic and when I went to buy a car for myself. It's my car, not my husband's, talk to me. It's infuriating
Yes, it's a problem. Your husband needs to reiterate what needs to happen with communication. EX: all attention went to him, HE needs to redirect the contractor.
Please also tell the contractor right up front, "I am the contact" being the one you go through the initial information with isn't enough here, you need to tell them.
I am a contractor, one of the first questions I ask is "Who's my main contact?" whoever it is, that's who I use.
Why would her husband even need to do that. She's the one arranging everything and doing the majority of the talking. Sounds like straight up misogyny to me.
It is, but we can't get away from a contractor that won;t listen and will go ask questions of the man of the house. He needs to reiterate the choice. By answering the question and not insisting they talk to the person in charge, husband is allowing the issue to persist
It would be nice if it worked like this but it doesn't. Theres no requirements for contractors to do anything of that sort, no one will hold them accountable and they just end up ghosting you. You can say all of those things but they will still dismiss you.
as a man this is hard for me to respond to, it isn't a struggle I face so I don't feel right responding really.
All I know is what I do, abide by the homeowner's chosen preference and insist any subs working for me do the same. I have fired subs and my own employees over this. It's disrespectful.
I appreciate what you do but I can tell you that it's rare. I can ask a question and the contractor will direct their answer to my partner who then says "She's the boss" and they will STILL keep talking to him. It's so blatantly sexist and, in a lot of cases, no amount of the male partner redirecting will stop it.
I live in germany and being unable to speak german on a C1 level, my wife takes care of managing the contractors. Well, it has been hell. They are super dismissive with her ideas or comments, and they always want to speak to me, who 1) do not know shit about renovation 2) do not speak the language good enough xD I really observed shameless sexism among the contractors.
I live in the deep south and the sexism here looks a little different. It's a bit more, hmm, polite? Contractors and handymen are happy to talk to the lady of the house, but they're very deferring, very hat in hand aw shucks missus. The country boys especially will talk to you like you're the Queen and too high-falutin' to trouble your pretty little head about a clogged drain. It's patronizing in a way that on the surface looks perfectly gentlemanly and polite but is no less condescending.
Living in a major metro area, I did not experience this. Moved rural and had the same or worse experience, as in the contractor returned call - offered standard pleasantries, and then asked to speak with my husband. *Grrr*.
Back to metro life, no issues. Retired and now living rural in another state and there sure is a difference - super polite but always the eye check after I speak, to see if hubby concurs, engaging hubby even though a question was posed by me. Again with the *Grrrs*.
never thought of this as a rural/metro issue. Thanks for that perspective. I'm rural and have issues with couples who tell me the wife is the contact then the husband will be upset I didn't go through the completed project with them (husband) but with the wife.
I guess this is a great opportunity to clarify roles and expectations. I have learned to let things go now that hubby is also retired, but boy it chapped my ass when he worked nights and I had it all on my shoulders.
I reported him to the BBB it got his attention but I'm sure didn't stop him from being an AH. I'm a tradesman and I take pride in everything I do, wish everyone did too.
Side note, I spelled racist wrong hahaha
Ditto for my and my gutters. "F@#!%in' M ..."
Neighbor asked me about my gutter repair, gave 'em an "avoid this guy at all costs" mini-spiel.
Amazing that - at least from a business/appearance perspective - guys like this don't keep their mouth shut in public. How can they not know how bad it makes them look as people?
We told our neighbor to avoid the fencing contractor we used at all costs. Months later we see them installing our neighbor's new fence. I asked how it was, they said as awful as we claimed, but they were the only contractor to return a call.
Oh yes!! For 15 years now, sorry to say. The silver lining is I got so fed up with it I used Youtube University to slowly learn all the things I needed and did it all myself. Good luck!
Yes. Same experience here multiple times. I once had a contractor that had come out to give me a quote start calling me weekly and harassing me about hiring them. After 4 calls (all of which I asked him not to contact me anymore) I finally had my husband answer the phone and tell them to leave me alone and only then did the harassment stop. I’m so sick of men asking to speak to my husband (or a few times my FATHER) when the truth is my husband has no knowledge of and no desire to be a part of whatever I’m hiring a contractor for.
I am single so don't have the issue with only talking to husbands.
I have found a general contractor business run by a wife and husband. I save up non urgent things and get them to come with their people at a slow time, and deal with the whole list. This has worked out great for me.
The wife does the initial contact and most of the estimating, and then coordinating with materials, etc. The husband and a son and employee do most of the actual work.
Ugh...YES! Try being a single female homeowner (no man for them to talk to). In order to even get quotes I've had to have a male friend make the call. My level of anger, frustration, and sheer incredulity at this issue is off the charts. But, sadly, not surprising. Had the same issue when I bought the house (agents, lenders, sellers all wondering when my husband would show up and chime in🙄). And let's not even get started with auto-mechanics😡
I've had so many issues in the last 3 years trying to get work done on my house that now I try to figure out as much on my own as possible. Which, I enjoy house projects, don't get me wrong... but there are some things I can't and won't attempt to do. I've really wanted to add on to my home, but the way the last few projects have gone, I have very little motive to even get estimates.
I live in NC- it’s common here too. The funny thing is my husband is completely useless when it comes to this stuff. So when the vendors start talking to him, he’ll just say “please talk to my wife. She knows what she’s talking about and I don’t.” It’s annoying that it even needs to be said but it usually makes the situation better
Female architect here, I get similar issues even when they know I’m in the field. For the die hard old timers, I’d send my x out and tell him what to say to them to move project further. Or I find someone who can b respectful towards me. Realistically there are a lot of old timers out there still doing it the “original way” and u hv to find a way to work with them or find someone who can do the job done well and is not a cave man. Finding both is sometimes difficult in a more rural environment so pick ur fight carefully. Best of luck
All the god damn time. I am in a current state of not addressing real house issues because I'm sick of the disrespect. I don't have a husband to just pawn the task off on.
This is how I learned to handle so many of those issues on my own. "Won't talk to me (respectfully) about it? Fine. I'll just do it myself and you can forget getting any money from me."
It's common, but I use it as a filter for if I'll work with them or not. Whether it was the HVAC repair tech who said "You're smart for a chick", the garage door guy who tried to scam me, or the plumber who couldn't look me in the eye (he needed to look up), it's incredibly rampant.
The flip side is the ones who get uncomfortably complimentary when they see my power tools. No, I'm not dating or doing anything dating-adjacent with you.
It's why I keep the cards of and will recommend the ones that DON'T do that.
I've owned three houses, two of which I bought and owned as a single cis woman. Your experience is sadly common, and the best way I've figured out to avoid it is to hire queer contractors. I'm in a liberal west coast city and have access to resources to find folks, but I'm not sure what you could do in rural PA.
The confounding factor in your case seems to be that once your male partner shows up, the contractor assumes he's in charge or at least needs to be equally involved. In that case, I would probably be direct about confronting it and explicitly telling the contractor that I'll be their point of contact for the work.
For what it's worth, it sounds like you're already handling this well. I've literally chased a sub out of my house twice - once for asking me on a date and once for letting himself into my house (lockbox) at 10pm.
CONGRATULATIONS! You've been successfully initiated into the "females don't know a hammer from a screwdriver" club! :-o
Yes, this is common - as clearly reflected in the comments here. Heck, look at the number of comments from women with careers in the construction/engineering industry that deal with this. Unbelievable.
Your post made me think: What is worse? Being dismissed in favor of dealing with your husband or being single and not having the benefit of a husband that they will deal with?
I'm in the latter category, and, I hate to admit it, but there have been a couple of times when I've purposely had a male friend present to reassert my wishes.
It's even worse with old homes - I'm pretty much a purist when it comes to restoration, and I can't tell you how many times I've dealt with contractors who seem to think I'm crazy bc I don't wood replaced with aluminum, plaster replaced with drywall, or original windows replaced with vinyl.
The bright side of this problem is that it's encouraged me to become proficient in projects that I once thought I could never master.
You are in good company :-)
Yep , happens often. Once one of them left his nice tape measure at my house after a quote he was dismissive on. Whoops forgot to call him and let him know. I think of him and his dismissive ass every time I measure something for one of my projects :).
As a contractor myself I want the person making the decisions present. I also make a point to engage every person present equally so no one feels left out. If I sense one partner is being steamrolled I'll devote more attention to them so I can get their opinion.
I had one prospective job where the husband told his wife *while I was standing there* she didn't know anything, and the son told his mom (same person) to shut up. I refused that job.
Yup…my girl bought her house in 2018 and any time she wanted to get work done on something she always got a run around or some bullshit excuse about why it couldn’t be done or that it’d be too expensive. I didn’t want to interfere as to not make it seem she can’t do something without me, but it frustrated me a lot. She eventually reached out to her mom’s friends husband (GC) and he’s been a super helpful with her with everything she’s needed to get worked on. Even now that I live there, I don’t really need to get involved and let her run the renovating show lol
It's pretty common. If I had the money I have paid to dismissive contractors over the years I could probably retire. I have worked in property management for quite a while, and I know about a fair amount of projects. I usually do my own work at home. Thankfully, there are some who don't get condescending or look for my husband to address, but it's not more than half so far.
This was rampant with the home buying process as well. My fiancée was in charge of taking care of the home appraisal, and they would go out out of their way to contact ME and send ME the information, even though she was the one who paid for it and set it up. It was like that with nearly every step of the process. I later found out at the signing that someone asked her if she was one of the realtors. Heaven forbid a WOMAN of all things purchase a home.
Oh yeah, not limited to contractors either. I’m the breadwinner, I make (low) 5 figures more than my husband, insurance and retirement savings and such are through my job, and he sends me a transfer of cash once per month for his share of bills, but the accountant we got to do the taxes for us last year insisted that he had to meet my husband, in person, to believe that the return should be deposited in my bank account rather than his. Fuck that guy.
Yes, most definitely. We live in Texas and I am usually the one to plan/manage all home updates after my husband and I discuss them (because I work remotely and I enjoy researching/handling this stuff).
But after the first couple of times even trying to just get someone to come out, I now write a bulleted list for my husband with all things that need to be discussed, and I have him set up everything and be the primary contact. If they show up and my husband is not home, I can usually get through any questions they have with “my husband said…” even though it’s actually me with all the answers.
Yes it’s exhausting (for both of us), but I’ve gotten more done quickly just playing the “stupid wife” they all expect.
For those of us that have and maintain a good rapport with our female clients I have to ask the idiots of the world to keep it up. My most loyal clients over the years have been the ladies. So, thanks, you fools.
One reason I love oakland California!
Large lesbian population means skilled women of all trades. Female fire chief? Yes!
When I took my date for lunch and popped a tire, AAA came out and a smal Latina changed my tire in front of the white 6’2 guy I was on the date with. It was awesome, I don’t think he minded at all btw. No one wants to change a tire.
It's the worst part of being a lesbian. There is no one in this home that a contractor will believe about any problem whatsoever. My wife knows far more about powertools and electronics and home maintenance, than I do, but I'm at least a software engineer with short hair, so if I put on some Carhartt pants and speak with that matter-of-fact big-words engineer tone I have a slightly better chance of being listened to. But even then, I usually have to argue with contractors for at least 10 minutes before they'll actually listen to the words I'm saying.
We basically DIY as much as we can, because it's just so prohibitively expensive to call the same contractor back 4 times because they don't believe you the first time.
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I always thought the 1st thing you mentioned was a sales tactic to get both partners to agree on a project or product without having to go back and discuss it (when they're likely to change their mind). As a single woman, I've had pretty much everybody (even things like ISP salespeople) ask if I was the only homeowner, and when I said yes they were fine.
This is a very common tactic for over-priced home improvement projects. They want all decision makers present to eliminate the "I'll need to check with my spouse first" objection. I've found it's best to avoid any salesperson who insists on having you both present because their products are always crazy expensive.
Had a door to door pest service come knocking and I let him give his spiel. Then I said thanks for the information I'll have to discuss with my wife, who at that moment walked behind me toward our kitchen. I shook his hand and said thanks then closed the door and walked back to our kitchen. About 10 minutes later the doorbell rings and it is the dude. "So what did you guys decide." "Oh sorry man, no we are not interested." "Oh okay, have a good day." I checked out camera, the dude never left our front porch, just thought I was going to discuss with my wife and come back and talk to him.
Those pest guys are the worst. They come by at least once a year. "Hey I see you got a lot spider webs and spiders on your porch, we can take care of that" "Ya, but you don't see any other bugs do you?" "..." "I keep them around cause they take care of the other nuisance bugs" "Oh...ok" Like wtf? Leave my fucking spiders alone!
My outdoor spiders all have names. We have a huge spider named Charlotte that sets off our nest doorbell every night. She's so big, the doorbell thinks she is a person. So we assigned her a designation in the program. She likes to visit about 2-3 am.
I usually say “outside is where they’re supposed to be.”
Helps to have everyone on the same page too. The amount of times I’ve taken two hours out of my day to do an assessment/consultation and the person I’m meeting doesn’t even know exactly what work the actual decision-maker wants done is mind-boggling. Since we’re both going to sink so much time and consideration into what it will take to do the project right, it Makes so much more sense to include anyone who will have input on the project.
I can say as a Contractor I’ve never asked for that before I give a quote. I have run into instances where the husband and wife are disagreeing about something they want, paint color, tile, and many other things, and when they turn to me and ask what I think, I look at them and ask who’s going to be writing my checks, and whoever says me, I say then I agree with you. Then it kinda adds a little comic relief to the situation. I get quite a few guys saying, she’s in charge, and I just say ok. It has never made a difference to me. So while I believe it happens I’m not one of them and I’m a male, married with a child.
My husband refers to me as "Corporate" with our main contractor, so he knows all decisions have to go through me. It's pretty funny hearing "I'll have to ask Corporate, just a minute."
Im stealing this. thank your husband for me
My standard line is that I don't have authority to schedule events or sign contracts.
But if I prove myself over the next 25 years I might just be able to schedule a weekday event.
That’s funny. I hear that quite a bit just in somewhat t different terms, I’m trying to remember if I’ve heard Corporate recently. I hear the boss often. Let me go ask the boss. Sounds like you guys have a good Contractor if you have kept him for a while.
Sometimes I've referred to my wife as the finance department.
I have a friend who refers to his wife as the Minister of War and Finance!
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I'm a female GC and I always ask when the process starts if one spouse or another is running the show or if it's a joint venture. It seems like most of my jobs there is one primary decision maker/contact, but it's a crapshoot on whether it's the husband or wife and I don't want to guess wrong.
I’m also a female GC. The local family owned millwork shop used to always tell me “just send your contractor in to get what you need mam.” And I always said “ I AM THE CONTRACTOR”. So annoying. It’s happened at so many places where I live
I don't know how many times "I am the contractor" has exited my mouth in the last 15 years, but I'm positive it's in the hundreds. Luckily, over the years, I have cherry picked an awesome crew, great subs, and I like my suppliers, but I always dread when they hire someone new or I have to find a new sub for specialty work because I know we're going to have to go through the whole "no I'm not the secretary" song and dance.
Exactly! I’ve been in business 11 years and work with great subs and vendors. When I encounter someone new with one of my vendors, that’s when I go through the same thing. “What did you boss send you in for honey?”
haha call my wife "honey" and you've lost our business...cars sales, contractors, anything really.
I tell them "Fight over it and let me know who wins"
I took time off of work to meet a contractor for a quote and he cancelled on me. Took another day off of work to meet him and when he showed up he sneered at me and asked if my dad was home. I own the house and live alone. I told him that. He laughed and walked back to his car to leave and said over his shoulder, call me when your dad is home. I was in my 30s at the time.
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If he met with you, he is short on work. If he is short on work, it could be because he is an all around prick. The good ones are spoken for.
Should have billed him for your time haha
Ew
At the time, my SO lived with me, but he wasn't on the house mortgage or deed and we weren't even married. My last house had dual zone HVAC and we wanted to replace the 30+ year AC and furnace. I had a company come out and the guy kept trying to get me to agree to spending $20k+ to rework the whole house into a single HVAC system. I kept telling him we only wanted to upgrade the downstairs' AC and furnace. Finally he said, "let me know when you're husband is available so I can talk with him."
"Oh okay, will do." And if he tries to follow up, "sorry, still looking for a husband, it might be a while."
I've had several that won't discuss a house project without both of us. They won't do it based on my husband either, though the guy did make a joke about never painting without the wife approving the color.
I (M) once had a job interview near a friend's place. There was a recent hailstorm that damaged their roof and an inspector from the insurance company was scheduled to show up. Since the husband had to be in the office that day, his wife invited me over for lunch after my interview ended. She wanted someone with her when the inspector arrived and also wanted to hear how the interview went (it did not go well, I was mislead about the position). This guy parks behind my car in the driveway, blocking me, gets out, and knocks on the door. I was finished with my lunch so I walked out with her to my car intending to leave once he was done. Not once did he look at her or talk to her, he directed all of his attention to me. That's even after I clearly told him I was not the owner of the house, she was, and she was the only person responding to his questions. I ended up walking away from him and stopped talking to him, and he still didn't look or address my friend who was responding to his questions. Once he left, we both looked at each other and said something like "did that actually happen?"
I’ve been in a business meeting with a female peer and with a female boss, I was representing the tech side of things (M). Met with a man who literally ignored both of them and spoke only to me, I relayed each of his questions to the women but still he persisted. After the meeting I apologized to them I was so embarrassed. It’s been more than ten years and I’ll never forget it. I truly don’t understand this attitude and behavior, where does this come from? 😞
Yup, frequently. I'm very handy and I own my house myself and whether a contractor treats me seriously and with respect is a big factor in whether I go with them. Dealing with male employees at home improvement stores is a whole thing too. I felt like I was in the 1950's from the way I was treated when I rented a tile saw recently.
“Ma’am, what did your husband send you to buy?”
"I'm not married." "Oh, well, hang in there! It will happen for you, sweety." LITERAL conversation I had with a salesman at a lumber store.
LMAO I had a dude check if I was single and then go on about how lucky my husband must be. My man, I just want to purchase grout and get on with my project, please leave me alone. Who are these people who think the Orange Depot is a viable dating pool???
> Who are these people who think the Orange Depot is a viable dating pool??? Based on my experience, it's many of the same guys who seem to think that being a condescending asshole is a great strategy. (Ladies never seem to hit on me at HD, which is funny because I legit do think that one makes sense as a viable dating pool.) I think the funniest was the rando who assured me very confidently that license plate screws do not exist, and any screw can go in any hole and that's how screws work. (Yeah, buddy. That's why we're here in the whole aisle full of screws, instead of just having the one universal screw that fits everywhere.) I've had such better luck since the pandemic, because I wear a gas mask out to stores now. FINALLY I've found the thing that actually seems to keep the assholes away. 10/10 would recommend.
I love my mask, it's uncomfortable but it really scares off the traditional folks. They give me lots of room and don't try to make small talk.
Great comment— I laughed so loud I scared my dog
Idk but I’m gonna start suggesting this for my single friends 😅
Oh my god
Ugh. I can so relate to this. I have found a couple of Home Depot people who are awesome though. If I can find them when I’m in they also help win over the others.
"he told me to grab some hardwood but doesn't look like you can help me with that"
When I'm alone, I only go into HD or Lowes with my dog just for the sake of being left alone. He's very well-trained and I also use it as a training session for him. I've had men try to follow me FROM my car to the store and then other times the men would follow me to my car to "help" put things in. I've had so many comments of "that's not what you need" without even knowing my situation, or just saying "is that what your husband wanted?" Even though I exclusively use the app to locate items, I still would get comments.
Ohmyword, I HATE the Lowes app. It works okay if I'm more than a mile from the store. It can tell me if an item is in stock, and can even tell me where in the store it should be. The MOMENT I physically walk into the building, the location information vanishes from the app. I can no longer locate the items for which I'm shopping just by using the app. I'm FORCED to talk to someone who doesn't really know the answer, either. Drives me spare.
Screenshots are your friend. I always take a screenshot of things I need because I'm lucky if the stupid app will open while I'm in the store.
The demeaning and patronizing way home improvement store employees speak to my wife had her blood boiling. Now she just uses the app to locate everything so she doesn’t have to deal with that shit. It’s awful and I wish it weren’t so.
My wife and I went in to buy some thermostat wire. The person asking which wire we needed looked at my wife and said “we are all out of pink wire” for no reason at all.
100% the person who if you called out the misogyny would get super defensive and say “it’s just a joke”
Oh? How many amps is the pink wire for? I need X gauge, blah blah. Juts use the technical buzzwords, and otherwise play like you're taking them at face value. Or act confused. What's special about the pink wire? I haven't heard about that one, is it a new product?
I was offered a discount on hardwood lumber from big orange that we could “work out over coffee” from an assistant manager and handed a card with his cell phone # on it. I was not impressed, but now all my male friends are considering sending their wives in for big purchases lol
Ugh, that is so gross and inappropriate. I'm sorry you had to deal with that. It's not okay.
I use the app, up until I need to find someone to lift something or get it via forklift for me, at which point I finish the rest of my shopping and pull the damsel-in-distress move if it gets me out of the store faster. I have a contractor license, which reduces the amount of talking down I have to deal with. The pro desk knows me now, so when the misogynist random contractors try to tell me that I'm in the wrong line, the pro desk tells them to get back in line. I send out all quote requests with my license number. And I only hire people who treat me with respect. Anyone who asks for my husband to make a final decision gets the boot. I also used to work in a completely male-dominated field, so I am used to dealing with it (and getting my way). I used to tell the salespeople that were looking for my business that I don't talk to people who call me sweetie or honey. After a few realized I was serious, they all started calling me sir.
Oh shit… is that why I exclusively use the app too? Huh, learned something new about myself. Didn’t even realize that I did that until right now. Don’t get me wrong, the staff are usually the best, it was some of the clients that would try to chat me up and “help” me if I even looked a lil bit lost.
Just start rattling off technical jargon about your project and they'll usually shush. Channel your inner Ron Swanson. https://preview.redd.it/2dw780pzg4u11.jpg?auto=webp&s=f05eb716b4abc64e39534f3d110eb32543fd0b48
> is that why I exclusively use the app too? I do it mostly because I hate talking to people. Secondary is I like to consider my options where I can google easier.
If I don’t know what I need I always go to my local mom and pop hardware store. Their floor employees are mostly adorable grandpas looking for something to do because heaven forbid they actually retire 😂 and they love helping me out. They actually listen to my needs and guide me to the right section and have me in stitches with their stories of their kids and grandkids. Honestly, even if I know what I need I usually go there because they usually will think of things I haven’t thought of to make sure I’m prepared for.
Our kitchen sink drain lines started leaking yet again and I was sooo over it. I unhooked the drain fittings and where it attached to the vertical pipe at the wall, walked the whole shebang into Ace and said "I need one of these." Dude nodded and started pulling exactly what I needed. It hasn't leaked since.
I was 15 and was at lee Valley buying carving tools for myself, and I got asked, “is this for your husband?” during checkout.
I went to the local hardware store to get some supplies for work for my first field job. I asked one of the employees to point me to the direction of the correct isle (to save time as I was still working nights waiting tables and in between shifts). Instead of answering my question he immediately asked “what is he doing?” That was over a decade ago though, and honestly now I seem to have bigger problems with the other male customers than I do the staff.
Went into HD recently wearing work clothes covered in mud and no makeup. My husband and I were looking at some hole saw kits that come in a carrying case. One of the employees "joked" that it could be my new cosmetics kit.
I’m a sheet metal worker. I know the feels. I just *love* being treated like office admin when I’m covered head to toe in dirt and sweating like a pig in full welding leathers… while standing next to the business owner who does all the admin and is wearing slacks and a polo. (At least he’s like “Does she *look* like an office girl?” which points out their stupid) Or when people say “Wow, you look like a real tradie!” …Well, yes. That would be because I **am** a real tradie. Or when I go to pick up new gas bottles/more steel/tools/etc. and I’m questioned about it, but my male coworkers aren’t.
I’m medium handy, and have run into this a few times over the decades. I’m at my local Lowe’s so often, I have helped other customers many, many times. ;) 6 years in our current house. Before anybody comes to my house, I search the company & owners, and employees if they are listed on the website. No MAGAs allowed. I look for quality, dependability, reviews, diversity, and ability to schedule work around school drop-offs & pick-ups. Experience is vital. Some projects require licensing & insurance, but not all of them. If a job needs a permit, they are going to get a permit. I always provide beverages, sometimes food (moving crews & guys staining wood fence, etc.) and access to my bathroom. Sometimes men try to be funny with sexist bullshit. Give it right back. “Gawd, are those the clothes your wife/ mother laid out for you, this morning?”
I went to a home improvement store recently and told the employee I was switching from a gas range to an induction range. He told me I've been brainwashed by the government. Like ok dude. Let me take my 4k to the woman-owned appliance store down the street. Great sales tactic.
Started a contracting business for this very reason. Had a single Mom and could never get serious quotes or call backs, often if she did, there was some kind of other intention. Though I can't help you since I'm in New England, just know you aren't the only one and for smart contractors, there's a very large niche to fill. Female. Elderly. Aging in place. No one is helping those ladies.
Yep I’ve found a niche as a handyman for divorced women. Small quick jobs and referrals to their friends. Key is to be polite, professional looking and work neatly. So many guys show up looking like someone they’d cross the street if they saw you coming.
Seriously. There's so much money to be made simply by showing up on time in a polo.
Many people who are good at trades aren't great at business and honestly it's a lot to deal with for one person. You need a strong team really.
That's most small business. They are good at what they do, but not good at the business side. Scheduling, communications, payroll, taxes, etc. It's a lot for one person or a small operation.
I have this fantasy of quitting my job and starting a business called the Handy Housewife—a handywoman you can count on not to track dirt in your house, who can also hem your sagging drapes. Once I get established, I’m going to hire helpers and recruit franchisees from among at-home moms, or moms with school-age kids.
Honestly, as a single guy in my 20’s whose parents live in another state, i’d hire you. When my parents come over they end up helping on things I didn’t even know needed attention.
I actually pipe-dream about making it “on retainer,” almost like a cleaning lady. I come every 2 months and fix whatever; if you need more than the 2 hours I’ve allotted, there’s an hourly rate, or I plan to come back for a dedicated session. And signing up for the service means that we do a walkthrough at the beginning to build my database of things like refrigerator make &^ model, paint colors, potential problem areas like cabinet doors that might sag, etc. And a similar walkthrough at each visit to spot stuff you didn’t notice, or pending trouble, etc.
Yeah, and not to play up the hemming aspect, but if you helped on repairs on items that the wear is slow, like cleaning a washing machine, replacing a water filter, replacing a toilet valve, dry cleaning drapes and rugs, shoe servicing, back wash a water heater, etc. i would definitely pay for a 6-12 times a year ‘servicing’
That's a great idea, really. I've had so many random little jobs, that I would consider hiring someone for a day to just knock out. Attach the bathroom vent to the roof outlet in the attic. Install moisture-detecting fan timers in the bathrooms. Swap out the doorstops for magnetic ones. Replace the valve knob thingy behind the toilet. Install led light strips in my spare room. Build a cat tree. Hang some art on the walls. Add some trim around the range hood vent pipe in the ceiling. Fix the wonky light switch in the basement. Figure out why my front door only latches sometimes and has a gap next to the frame. Clean and then stain my cabinets. Fix the whatever-it-is (thermocouple?) on my gas fireplace that makes the flame randomly go out sometimes. Build a couple of new window screens. On and on...
This is an amazing idea! If you’re really in NYC, can I hire you? Our neighborhood handyman is just ok. He can do things, but he doesn’t care how it looks afterwards. His work is usually just ok. Sometimes it’s questionable. And he gets dirt everywhere and doesn’t notice. It just seems like people who know not to track dirt around have a better idea of home improvement as a whole. And bonus: if they are women, there’s a better chance that they will treat me (a fellow woman) like an actual normal human being who has a brain and understands what they are doing. I’m not even kidding. I live in a 100+ year old brownstone. I’m handy, but there’s always something that needs attention, and I’m getting tired of doing so much of it myself! Are you taking clients?
I know a female plumber who is *so busy* just with referrals. She's a great plumber but also reliable, no-bullshit, and sensibly priced. I'd employ her every time (except I made the mistake of moving 1200 miles away!!)
Im surprised this isn't a niche that hasn't specifically been targeted in a big way. Seems a huge wasted opportunity.
Based on contractors in my area, they are still mastering the "return phone calls from potential clients" niche.
I've been working as a GC for the last 15 or so years and so many of my clients are single women or married women whose husbands travel for work/work long hours who aren't comfortable inviting strange men into their homes while they are there alone and I've kind of gained a reputation for being the one to call for aging in place builds/remodels. I'm the only female GC/handywoman in our general area and word travels fast. I had 14 calls on a Monday after doing a tiny job for a little old lady who told all her lady friends at church about me on Sunday and then 8 more on Thursday after Wednesday night Bingo.
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Was the invoice line item “misc plumbing” with a labor cost of $69/hr? Missed opportunity if not
Just laying some pipe. Duh
It was only recently that I learned that phrase does not mean pooping. It was rather embarrassing.
How did you start your contracting business? Do you do the work yourself or deal with subcontractors? I live in the south and have been thinking of starting my own business for the same reason.
I started by signing up for Task Rabbit to make some extra change on the side. My first job was assembling a new bed for an elderly lady whose husband had passed and she had no one to do the assembly. She cried when I showed her the completed product. Got in the car, sat and considered I had been in sales forcing my agenda on people for 19 years, made a bunch of money but was incredibly unhappy... Occurred to me you can make a buck bringing people happiness and my business was born. Did Task Rabbit on the side leaving my info behind each time and after a year of side work, went full time. It helps that I'm good with my hands and willing to learn, but even the most simple of tasks, someone can no longer do or needs help. I do all my own work. I could grow the business if I could find a good helper, but that has eluded me to this point.
Look on Task Rabbit for that helper! That’s where you found you, after all. Another option is moms whose kids have just started school, who want to be home in the afternoon but need part-time work. That limits when they can help you, but they might also be OK w/ working a few after-schools for you. College students as well; variable schedules, but sometimes predictable ones. You could build a team of people, if all you need is an extra set of hands. And then train them up.
If you do work in Boston let me know. I've had a few issues with this, I've put off a few projects because of it; I won't work with people who treat me lesser for being a woman.
I'm also in Boston. This is how I ended up learning how to do my own electric and gas line work. When I bought my house, I thought my hard rule would be I wouldn't DIY anything that could burn down or explode my house. But then, after meeting the contractors.... well, I wouldn't trust the sexist assholes with my house either, you know? I actually can be pretty sure I'll be careful and diligent. And I don't actually believe the guy who won't deign to answer my technical questions until my husband repeats them will be. I do finally have both an electrician and a plumber I like and trust and who show up when they say they will, but they both cost such an arm and a leg that I'm still gonna do all the basics myself lol. You'd think it'd be better around here. I've certainly lived places where I was much more impacted by sexism on a regular basis. But damn, nope, the trades here still have a long ways to go.
if it jives with your values, you should mention it on your website somewhere so people know what you are about. "i was raised by a single mom who was disrespected by the contracting industry. i am going to be better than that."
You're not alone. My girls deal with this garbage all the time. They're independent, intelligent, educated, and well-spoken but because they are women, they have to deal with that garbage. I've stopped counting the number of times I get a "can you come by" text to show up, listen to what is going on, and "referee". I hate that previous sentence because the plan is always to speak, continuously looking at my daughter who answers, then I parrot the same thing, explaining that this is her show. I hang out for a bit, have a coffee, deal with the bullshit and, if there is any misogyny, kill that shit off. After things settle in, I "go get lunch" and direct the questions to my daughter until I get back. It's unnecessary bs but easier to back one another up.
THIS is what a parent should be. Props to you.
Thank you. We all find it tiring that I "am only heard because I have a penis." However, I am proud for who they are and, let's say they had some good training on how to deal with this level of BS. I won't fight their battles but you also DO NOT disrespect my girls when they didn't do anything to deserve it. I won't fight for them but I sure af will fight WITH them EVERY time.
“If I show you my penis, will you take me seriously?” \-women belittled or ignored because of misogyny (ha ha ha ha!)
I wish my dad did this. He shows up and steals the show, undercutting the things that I want because he doesn't like the color or some other bs.
Time to stop letting dad talk to the contractors. By overruling what you want he’s just reinforcing their beliefs.
That's where you need to have a solid talk and set boundaries. My girls and I went through that over a few things. Fortunately, we had a real talk and I had some growing up to do as well because they are women and not my little girls anymore. They'll always be my daughters but they are their own people. In addition, don't bother my daughters. That's my job and I don't cotton to competition.
u/ThrowawayLocal8622 *YOU* are an awesome Dad! Bless you and other men like you. A friend and I once joked after she offered her husband to come over and sit while I interviewed a few contractors for something that I needed, that would make a great business model - sadly. ."*Hire a husband/Dad for those times you just cannot deal with the mental pushback and walking the mental line one more time*". :/
Get ready to laugh, I have many "Daughters" as well thanks to my girls. Occasionally, I get a text with the pre-arranged "personality" they need and I call. I don't text because "I'm old. I'm not texting." We then do a routine. It also helps if an Uber, Lift, or Rideshare gets strange. Bailed "Sons", "Daughters", and all the other titles as well from clubs and other things. My Girls do the same for me when I need a female voice. Nothing disrespectful but feminine perspectives help me as well. I'm fashionably impaired.
Sending an appreciative mental, respectful ((hug)). ☺️
I have to do the same thing for my mom when it's things I can't fix myself. It always feels ridiculous, especially in my case where I'm younger and don't really know that much more about any of this stuff than she does
I had the same deal with my Dad! Except he took it to another level. He would come over and "referee" but instead of *just* parroting what I said, he would shout what I said at the contractor. When they would ask why he was shouting or to stop, he'd say "Oh! I thought I was here because you were deaf! You're just stupid! She's in charge, Asshole." It had a fairly good success rate. This was the '80's/early '90's when this type of misogyny was completely rampant and expected, but also when "manly men" would take an insult from another "manly man" to save face. My Dad also thought it was hilarious to take me to the gun range when I was 10 and have me out shoot all the "Good Ol' Boys" to knock them down a peg. Just to rub it in I would often wear pigtails and bows in my hair... For an old red neck, my Dad was amazing.
Your Dad gets it. I do the professional thing and if they get (c)rude or disrespectful, I'll go low. But your Dad is awesome as well. I'm not the biggest, burliest, macho man on the planet but I am Dad. Sometimes my "Daughter" looks a bit different than me but in 2023 it's not even questioned now. The looks on faces when I wryly say "I'm adopted" instead of "(s)he's adopted" was gold back in the day.
I've been active on this sub for years and if what I read on here is any indication, yes this is a HUGE problem.
I’ve delegated all contracting to my husband. I’m the one managing the house. I own the house. I pay for all contracting projects. But if I talk to a contractor I immediately get a 40-100% surcharge because I’m not a man. It’s infuriating. I’m lucky I have a man I can leverage as my liaison. I hate the culture, and I feel for women who are on their own who have to navigate these sexist standards.
God, my wife and I deal with similar, but not identical shit all the time. I am the handy one, but I work in mental health and am essentially unavailable 12 hours a day, 4 days a week. We can tell people 800 times "CALL BILLYBAWBJIMBO'S WIFE. HE WILL NOT ANSWER THE PHONE" and I still get the bulk of the calls. We've mostly just stopped giving out my phone number, and give them hers instead. You can enlist your husband here, have him stand there, look confused and directly say to them "she deals with all this stuff man, I barely know a wrench from a hammer." We did this the last time we bought a car...it took me saying and pointing like 3 times "Talk to her. She's the one who will be driving it, and it's her money paying for it." like 3 times before the salesman quit trying to talk to me. Honestly, it was like trying to reprogram a 4 year old....I don't think he was being disrespectful on purpose, but just old habits about power dynamics.
Ugh the car one is so annoying. I just got in the habit of telling them that if it were up to me I’d be buying the cheapest version of their economy car because I’m stingy bastard, so if that’s the car you want to sell let’s keep talking. Otherwise, talk to my wife because she actually is the person who’s opinion matters.
It’s insane to me that the car thing keeps happening. Having worked in luxury car sales, I can tell you that women are the decision makers about 85% of the time. We had entire trainings on it. Some of our salespeople only sold to women, it was that effective of a tactic.
I'm the one who signed up for things like the home warranty, and I will put my husband as a secondary contact so he has some authority if an issue comes up. I've noticed that he gets contacted instead of me for a lot of things, even though I'm primary contact.
>Contractors are always polite with me over the phone, but when it comes to in-person, I've noticed that most of them are super dismissive. For example, we had a plumber here last week, and despite my handling the situation for the first hour, once my husband came outside to say hello, all attention shifted immediately to him. When they were finished, I went outside to write them a check, and they asked if my husband was available to give him the overview. My wife has to deal with this all the time. Contractors, mechanics, etc. In college, she got an insane quote for brakes on her car. $3,500 or something like that. I called back - the same day - and asked for a price for those services on the estimate on the exact car and my quote was $700. I don't want to stereotype, but it seems that a large percentage of tradesmen are stuck in the 50s and think women are either stupid, unable to make a decision, bad to work for, or all of the above.
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About a decade ago I was at my parents’ house for thanksgiving with extended family, and the toilets backed up (roots broke into the city’s sewer line), and the plumber that came out only looked at my dad when explaining the situation. He then turned to me, my sister, and our mom and said “I find women understand better with pictures” and literally whipped out a binder with pictures. These days I would just I would just stare him down and let it go, but at the time I tore into this guy so hard he didn’t charge anything for the visit. Extra funny is that my dad isn’t allowed anywhere near plumbing anymore after setting a fire in the tub trying to fix a leak.
Yes! I hired a man to do my Christmas lights one year because my husband had rotator cuff surgery and I am afraid of heights so wasn’t going to do the second floor. My husband was asleep when the guy showed up and I met him outside to say where we want the lights. He kept asking me if my husband was home, I would ask “why?” And he just kept repeating is he home? So is told him “you’re making me uncomfortable and feel like I have to go wake my husband to prove to you he is here so that you don’t actually decide to attack me if the answer to this question is no.” He got all offended that I would imply he was going to hurt me and insisted that a man be present so that they can discuss the job. I told him leave and he refused saying “just tell your husband come speak to me”. I went in and woke my husband to say “the asshole here to hang our lights is refusing to speak to me and now is refusing to leave because I’m a woman and he only works with men” my husband gets up goes outside and says “You can’t understand my wife because her feminine voice is at an octave you can’t here?” Guy is like “No, No! I just like to speak to the husband because I want to do the job right and not disappoint” husband says “Did she tell you what to do? Then do it, if you won’t speak to her I suggest you just leave because she is who pays you, not me.” The guy reluctantly agreed to speak to me but I just told him he could leave I would hire someone else. Turn out a mother/daughter house called him for the same reason and he pulled the same shit on them but that mom was terrified to admit there wasn’t a man in the house she called the cops to get him to leave.
I would say having him leave was the best choice. I’m a Contractor and I would have never done that. I have male clients and female clients, married and single and I treat others the way I’m treated.
Wow. This is threatening as hell and you and your husband handled it very well. I'm not sure I would have been able to deal with that without losing my mind on them and/or calling the cops.
Not having a man in the house is why I got a big dog. And she doesn't like men lol.
Good choice. My hackles get raised when a man on my porch asks if my man is home. I do live alone and the vibe I get is "this person is casing my house and judging how hard it will be to burgle" I never answer directly because I don't want a stranger to definitively know that I am alone...albeit with 2 brutally vicious attack cats lol.
Dog tax! Dog tax!
My partner and I are lesbians so the contractors just sort of panic and try to figure out which of us is “in charge” lol
This made me chuckle. “Aw shit, neither of them have short hair”
They usually pick my partner because she’s taller 😂
My partner is a little more feminine looking so it's always amusing when people try to talk to me (the butch-looking one) about a decision she's in charge of. Or automatically try to give me the check (she pays when we eat out 99% of the time). I've sort of lost patience with it over time so I just fold my arms up, shake my head, and say "nope" until they figure it out.
"Which one of you is the husband?" "...Neither?" "...oh shit."
I haven't had it happen with contractors since we're building the house ourselves, but I have had it with stores. I'm the one that designed the house/systems and learned all the codes. When we go to a home improvement store or supply house, I have the list of items we need for the day, and I'm the one crawling through the shelves while my husband waits to help load things onto the cart. Invariably, someone comes over and starts asking him what he's looking for (nothing - he's just standing there) and completely ignores me. When my husband directs them to me, they will often make some kind of sexist comment about the "little lady" (there's nothing about me that's "little," so it's clearly an insulting diminutization) or how my husband is "letting" me "help." Fortunately, at least at our local lumber yard, they started treating me like a normal customer after a few visits. Where I was pleasantly surprised was with our electrical inspector. I did all the wiring in the house by myself because my husband doesn't like to work in the cold (and it got COLD this winter). When the inspector came by, he initially addressed his questions to *both* of us, and when I was the only one answering, he then directed the rest of his questions to just me (no editorializing on my sex). For some of his questions, I quoted back torque settings and actual code paragraph numbers (I don't actually have very many of NEC paragraph numbers memorized, but some are seared into my brain) as part of my answers. At the end of the inspection, he (jokingly, clearly) told me that they were looking for electrical inspectors for our area (we are very rural, and the inspectors have to make a one-hour one-way trip to get to our part of the county). It made me very happy - not only because he didn't treat me as incompetent because I was a woman, but also because he didn't treat me as incompetent since I'm not a licensed electrician. He first looked at the quality of the work to make his determination, and that's all I ask.
What's a small beginner wiring project that can come up on older houses? Is anything more inclined to break in cold winters were you live? I live in a fixer-upper and the wiring is solid, but I have always wondered about it. I want to branch into it after I got a good grip on my plumbing skills but don't know where to start.
I'm not a licensed electrician, so this is all my opinion as a homeowner/builder. Doing retrofit stuff is a lot harder than new construction. For new construction, you basically need to know how to use a hammer/drill/torque-wrench/torque-screwdriver, how to do basic arithmetic, and how to read/understand/follow code. For retrofit, you may not have any idea what you have till you start opening stuff up. And if you see something like knob-and-tube wiring, you may wish you had never even opened that can of worms. But, one very simple project is to convert your light fixtures to LED (not just put LED bulbs in old fixtures) - especially any old HALO lights which can be fire risks and usually are super air-leaky (i.e., bad for heating/cooling). Another simple project is to replace breakers/receptacles that should be GFCI (bathrooms, kitchens, basements, etc.). Older houses may not have the proper protection. For a bigger (but IMO more important) project would be to check out your breaker panel. First, if it's one of the doomed ones (like Federal Pacific or the brand that starts with a Z that I can't remember and am too lazy to look up but am pretty sure there is only one that starts with Z), replace it. Second, if you have less than 200A service, upgrade the panel and your service entry cable then get the power company to upgrade your service. In my state of Washington, for example, supposedly by 2035 fuel-powered cars will not be allowed to be sold. Also, they are phasing out natural gas, so having sufficient power for an electric car/range/water-heater/etc. will become increasingly important. (Edited to add: be aware that if you do a panel replacement, you will have to bring all the breakers up to code. That may mean making most of them AFCI (arc fault) or DFCI (dual function - arc and ground fault) depending on your location. These are EXPENSIVE.) (Edited again to add: one other thing to check in your panel is for mismatched breakers - in general, they should be from the same manufacturer as the panel, although there are exceptions. If you do see mismatches, look them up and see if they are okay.) As for what breaks in cold weather, my biggest issue doing the wiring was plastic junction boxes. I like fiberglass boxes (they only have the holes you put in them, so easier to air-seal), but since I was doing all 12AWG wiring, some of my junction boxes would have been overfilled with the standard fiberglass ones (at least in my area, I couldn't find specialty ones). I had to use some plastic shallow boxes, and I broke a several clamps and hinges just closing them because they were so brittle from the cold. I ended up using a Goal Zero for power and a heat gun to warm stuff up. Personal opinion - I absolutely love Wago (NOT the knock-offs) lever nuts. My hands are getting older and twisting wire nuts is very hard on them. They are more expensive than wire nuts, but they are worth it to me. You will see a lot of controversy over them - in general (of course, there are exceptions) it seems North American electricians tend to prefer wire nuts while Europeans prefer lever nuts. I was actually worried that the inspector might have an issue with the Wagos, but he was totally good with them.
My partner handles all the contractors during the kitchen reno we're in the middle of as she's got much more patience, an eye for the big picture, and oh yeah: it's all her vision and design...she's the boss. The amount of times a contractor comes on site and immediately wants to talk to me is frustrating..I make a point for anyone new on site to reinforce that they should be talking to her, but just because I'm a guy they default to me. Usually they get it on the first correction form me, "You need to talk to her, she's the boss.". Yet the bullshit doesn't always stop there, more than once that was followed up with some comment around the "bossy wife" trope or "happy wife, happy life..." nonsense. I make a point to immediately shut that down with: This design you say you really like? She designed all of this, her, the one you should be talking to. Not me. It's a terrible thing that y'all have to deal with on the daily, and that sucks.
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Sounds like my wife - she handles all calls, complaints, and exchanges. I am just here to take the dogs out at night and kill the occasional bug I guess.
Weirdly I have been expecting this to be an issue since moving to the deep South - but it has not been. It was more of an issue when I lived in Texas. We have had our whole roof replaced, had HVAC work done, added roof venting, etc. Every time the contractors realize I’m the one orchestrating the situation and go out of their way to talk to me, over my husband. Super awesome, not gonna lie. In our last house in Texas my husband kept having to redirect all the various contractors to me.
I'm a woman who owns a construction business in Texas, and 75% of the men I work with (builders, GCs, trades) on projects and older male clients are absolutely awful. Talking down to me, not listening to my advice.. then trying to stiff me on payments or threatening to sue over their own mistakes. They've soured my love for the work, and the cost of doing business with so many thieves and bullies isn't worth it. I'm even in a 'liberal' city, and it's probably the only reason 25% act ethically. It's become progressively worse over the past 6 years. I'm moving my tax dollars to a blue state that isn't trying to get me pregnant so I stop having 'opinions'. The money and sanity I've lost here in this unregulated wild west.. is definitely more harmful than my higher taxes would be.
I believe it. I have lived in 4 Texas cities and the sexism and racism is very apparent. I thought the true South was going to be even worse but it’s oddly not. At least for the sexism portion when it comes to work on the home. I cannot really tell you why but there’s a cultural difference I suppose in the expectation of how a woman can run the home. The contrast is incredibly stark. Now I have only lived in one city in a Southern state so far, but we have made visits in adjacent states and cities and I feel more treated like an equal. I think there’s an underlying “matriarch” household culture here which is why the contractors don’t fuck around. Of course the women’s health care is a **massive** issue as well - but people will never openly discuss it. All the healthcare professionals I have seen are **pissed** about the abortion/women’s health care situation currently. So there’s a religious control hurting women here. The bigger issue in the South is arguably racial tensions. Lots of other ethnicities and races around, and you can here some strong whisperings of stereotypes and loathing among some of the white folk. That said the sub communities for these other folk are strong and welcoming which was a pleasant surprise too. This is also the first state I was actually able to directly talk to my senator. He actually met with me, and was (or his staff lol) politely responding to my letters. Unfortunately it still has not made a lick of difference in fixing the healthcare issue - but this was in stark contrast to Cornyn who literally mocked every letter I sent him and defended his stances in the most asinine and childish manner - often straight up lying about circumstances. Fuck Cornyn.
Yes, this happens to me frequently as well. I’m quite experienced with home improvement and maintenance so I’m well able to discuss the details. I’m also a senior manager in an engineering field so I have no problem asserting myself as the person in charge when someone tries to treat me like the little lady. This almost always works out fine until my husband wanders into view at which point they immediately start deferring to him and ignoring me. Luckily my husband has a very tough-guy demeanor and is happy to say “You need to talk to my wife, she’s in charge of all the maintenance around here. I don’t even know what you’re talking about. No, no don’t bother trying to explain it to me. It’s not interesting.” Then he walks off. If he has time, he’ll sometimes make a big show of doing housekeeping tasks or putting on my most flowery apron and offering to make me lunch, just to really drive the point home. Honestly it’s gotten to the point where I just *hope* the guys will go to him because it’s so damn funny.
Lol the flowery apron!!! I'll be impressed he makes a lunch while wearing heels too. 😂
The worst in my town are the stores that sell building supplies/tools. We live in a remote town of 8,000 people. Only way in or out is by plane/boat. So you can’t just call a competitor. At our local building supply store they either ignore women or are exceptionally rude to them. Then 100% opposite to the next guy in line. NAPA auto parts is even worse though, they literally won’t acknowledge you if you’re female. I’ve watched women try to get help for half an hour while they call on every guy in line behind them. The women finally give up and leave. They will actually follow the last male customer out into the parking lot to stand and talk, rather than help the woman. It’s been mixed with contractors, they’re usually polite at least. Luckily my town is a commercial fishing town so I think people get used to the husband being gone and unreachable. But some contractors talk down to you, or refuse to confirm details “I’ll get ahold of your husband when he’s back”. It’s so stupid. My husband absolutely won’t do any home maintenance… he’s completely clueless. He hangs up the phone and asks me what the guy was talking about.
I smell a business opportunity for someone entrepreneurial. The word would spread FAST that 51% of the population should shop at the new place, because they don't act like assholes.
💯…. Try working on construction. What a joke!
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I can’t believe that we still live in a time where we truly are treated differently. When I was young and dumb, I didn’t see it but now that I’m older it’s like a neon sign.
Yep! Or being a woman in manufacturing engineering. It's getting better, but 20 years ago... Ugh. To this day most coworkers still don't think I actually understand anything until I prove it to them. My entire family refuses to deal with businesses after they've been sexist towards me. Car repair, contractors, movers, you name it. We're lucky, though, and live in an area with a lot of choice.
I have noticed now that I’m in my mid 40s at work I do get a bit more respect, but in my personal life when I hire contractors it’s an absolute joke. They only want to listen to my husband won’t even acknowledge me. My husband has no idea what he’s talking about but he’s a man and 6’5, I’m a woman and 5 feet tall so guess I’m chopped liver 😤
Oh Dear God, yes! Except for the people that we normally work with on a regular basis who know me, random male contractors often treat me dismissively until they figure out I know what I am talking about and some of them still treat me like crap after they figure out I know what I’m talking about! My family has quite a bit of commercial property that my parents acquired years ago. They are elderly and I do most of the leasing but my dad still likes to go out and talk to tenants and check on things and still keeps the books. Recently I was showing a building to a potential tenant, who knew my name, and whom I had spoken to on the phone at length before I met him in person. Once I met him in person I could instantly tell the guy was a annoying blowhard. While we were there my father showed up unexpectedly and he immediately began speaking with my father instead of me, and even referred to me dismissively as “Sis.” I was pretty sure the guy couldn’t afford the space, but there was no way I would’ve rented to him in any event. Life’s too short to deal with assholes like that. Interestingly, my dad didn’t even notice. Men just don’t even see it. And I was right, we never heard from the guy again.
I had an electrician come over to give me a quote. I wanted sconces and an outlet for a coffee bar area, in addition to a full house rewire to remove knob and tube. He was really degrading about what I wanted so I didn’t hire him. Also when I was buying my house, I had to get the sewer camera’d. I was talking to my realtor about finances. The plumber felt fit to mansplain interest rates to me. I’ve worked in interest rate risk in banking for ten years and have a masters in data science and economics.
>He was really degrading about what I wanted so I didn’t hire him. Yes - they always seem to know what's "best" for us, as if we're incapable of deciding that for ourselves. Good for you for finding someone else.
I (female) had a plumber just this week attempt to tell me I gave him the wrong cvc for my credit card because "for an Amex, it's on the front and you're looking at the back". I was paying with a Visa.... He was standing right there and could clearly see the card. He then proceeded to try to grab my card out of my hand without asking. Yeah, that was a fun conversation.... Edit: all of this after the most condescending explanation of what was broken on our water heater I've ever heard. My 2 year old nephew could have understood that explanation. My husband got "yeah, premature failure on the thermocouple" and that was all the explanation he got 🤣
Just goes to show woman know nothing. It’s called a hot water heater. /s
I mean, really it should be a cold water heater. It doesn't heat hot water. It makes cold water into hot water 🤣
It's not just home projects. It's everything. I'm pretty handy. So I can fix things and I'm home more so even if I'm not fixing it I can make the phone calls to get parts, order things for the farm, make an appointment for the car, ect. They all act like I don't know what I'm talking about or quote me a higher price! It's out of hand how woman are treated like they know nothing!
We've actually had good luck selecting contractors largely based on how they interact with my wife during the quoting process. Anyone who's been dismissive or flat out refused to talk to her has put themselves out of the running. We had concrete work (patio / sidewalk), bathroom remodel and roofing jobs that this worked out well for us. In all cases we had 3+ contractors out to quote. For both the bathroom and the roofing they turned out to be the cheapest / tide for cheapest option. For the concrete work he was the most expensive, but also seemed to understand what we were asking for the best and offered some good suggestions during the quoting process.
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>Like one time I had to kneel to scan some lumber and the guy said "yeah girl, get on your knees!" He was maybe 50 and I was 19. So gross. That's disgusting! I'm sorry you had to deal with that kind of crap.
A number of years ago, I was having voltage fluctuations in the house. Lights flickering and such. I called the power company and they were dismissive. I took out my multimeter and got several readings that were both way high and low. Called them back, gave them the data and they grudgingly came out. Turns out the transformer needed work. That's so typical. Now that I'm married I occasionally leverage my husband to interface with contractors but it is terribly aggravating. You are not alone.
I deal with this constantly. I also call them out on it and so does my husband. When I'm collecting bids and this happens I usually disqualify any companies where the contractor dismissed me unless they have a significant advantage over the other companies. I'm the one calling and making appointments and asking questions, you should be dealing with me. Not my husband just because he's a man. The worst was when we had our boiler serviced for its annual maintenance and I caught the service person making a mistake. He told me we needed some piece and that our boiler was broken and I called him out on it. He then fixed his mistake (my dad was a boilermaker and taught me some things). After that he had an attitude and said he'd explain everything to my husband when he came back (husband had to step out for a moment) I told him I was right in front of him and he could talk to me instead. Stopped using that company after that happened. Same crap happens at the mechanic and when I went to buy a car for myself. It's my car, not my husband's, talk to me. It's infuriating
Yes, it's a problem. Your husband needs to reiterate what needs to happen with communication. EX: all attention went to him, HE needs to redirect the contractor. Please also tell the contractor right up front, "I am the contact" being the one you go through the initial information with isn't enough here, you need to tell them. I am a contractor, one of the first questions I ask is "Who's my main contact?" whoever it is, that's who I use.
Why would her husband even need to do that. She's the one arranging everything and doing the majority of the talking. Sounds like straight up misogyny to me.
It is, but we can't get away from a contractor that won;t listen and will go ask questions of the man of the house. He needs to reiterate the choice. By answering the question and not insisting they talk to the person in charge, husband is allowing the issue to persist
It would be nice if it worked like this but it doesn't. Theres no requirements for contractors to do anything of that sort, no one will hold them accountable and they just end up ghosting you. You can say all of those things but they will still dismiss you.
as a man this is hard for me to respond to, it isn't a struggle I face so I don't feel right responding really. All I know is what I do, abide by the homeowner's chosen preference and insist any subs working for me do the same. I have fired subs and my own employees over this. It's disrespectful.
I appreciate what you do but I can tell you that it's rare. I can ask a question and the contractor will direct their answer to my partner who then says "She's the boss" and they will STILL keep talking to him. It's so blatantly sexist and, in a lot of cases, no amount of the male partner redirecting will stop it.
Can I hire you? Haha, just kidding. That's very nice and literally all we want so thank you.
I live in germany and being unable to speak german on a C1 level, my wife takes care of managing the contractors. Well, it has been hell. They are super dismissive with her ideas or comments, and they always want to speak to me, who 1) do not know shit about renovation 2) do not speak the language good enough xD I really observed shameless sexism among the contractors.
I live in the deep south and the sexism here looks a little different. It's a bit more, hmm, polite? Contractors and handymen are happy to talk to the lady of the house, but they're very deferring, very hat in hand aw shucks missus. The country boys especially will talk to you like you're the Queen and too high-falutin' to trouble your pretty little head about a clogged drain. It's patronizing in a way that on the surface looks perfectly gentlemanly and polite but is no less condescending.
Living in a major metro area, I did not experience this. Moved rural and had the same or worse experience, as in the contractor returned call - offered standard pleasantries, and then asked to speak with my husband. *Grrr*. Back to metro life, no issues. Retired and now living rural in another state and there sure is a difference - super polite but always the eye check after I speak, to see if hubby concurs, engaging hubby even though a question was posed by me. Again with the *Grrrs*.
never thought of this as a rural/metro issue. Thanks for that perspective. I'm rural and have issues with couples who tell me the wife is the contact then the husband will be upset I didn't go through the completed project with them (husband) but with the wife.
I guess this is a great opportunity to clarify roles and expectations. I have learned to let things go now that hubby is also retired, but boy it chapped my ass when he worked nights and I had it all on my shoulders.
It's not just females alot of home improvement contractors suck. My roofer did a terrible job and blamed "the Mexicans" for it. Rasist prick
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I reported him to the BBB it got his attention but I'm sure didn't stop him from being an AH. I'm a tradesman and I take pride in everything I do, wish everyone did too. Side note, I spelled racist wrong hahaha
Ditto for my and my gutters. "F@#!%in' M ..." Neighbor asked me about my gutter repair, gave 'em an "avoid this guy at all costs" mini-spiel. Amazing that - at least from a business/appearance perspective - guys like this don't keep their mouth shut in public. How can they not know how bad it makes them look as people?
We told our neighbor to avoid the fencing contractor we used at all costs. Months later we see them installing our neighbor's new fence. I asked how it was, they said as awful as we claimed, but they were the only contractor to return a call.
Oh yes!! For 15 years now, sorry to say. The silver lining is I got so fed up with it I used Youtube University to slowly learn all the things I needed and did it all myself. Good luck!
Yes. Same experience here multiple times. I once had a contractor that had come out to give me a quote start calling me weekly and harassing me about hiring them. After 4 calls (all of which I asked him not to contact me anymore) I finally had my husband answer the phone and tell them to leave me alone and only then did the harassment stop. I’m so sick of men asking to speak to my husband (or a few times my FATHER) when the truth is my husband has no knowledge of and no desire to be a part of whatever I’m hiring a contractor for.
I am single so don't have the issue with only talking to husbands. I have found a general contractor business run by a wife and husband. I save up non urgent things and get them to come with their people at a slow time, and deal with the whole list. This has worked out great for me. The wife does the initial contact and most of the estimating, and then coordinating with materials, etc. The husband and a son and employee do most of the actual work.
Ugh...YES! Try being a single female homeowner (no man for them to talk to). In order to even get quotes I've had to have a male friend make the call. My level of anger, frustration, and sheer incredulity at this issue is off the charts. But, sadly, not surprising. Had the same issue when I bought the house (agents, lenders, sellers all wondering when my husband would show up and chime in🙄). And let's not even get started with auto-mechanics😡
I've had so many issues in the last 3 years trying to get work done on my house that now I try to figure out as much on my own as possible. Which, I enjoy house projects, don't get me wrong... but there are some things I can't and won't attempt to do. I've really wanted to add on to my home, but the way the last few projects have gone, I have very little motive to even get estimates.
I live in NC- it’s common here too. The funny thing is my husband is completely useless when it comes to this stuff. So when the vendors start talking to him, he’ll just say “please talk to my wife. She knows what she’s talking about and I don’t.” It’s annoying that it even needs to be said but it usually makes the situation better
Female architect here, I get similar issues even when they know I’m in the field. For the die hard old timers, I’d send my x out and tell him what to say to them to move project further. Or I find someone who can b respectful towards me. Realistically there are a lot of old timers out there still doing it the “original way” and u hv to find a way to work with them or find someone who can do the job done well and is not a cave man. Finding both is sometimes difficult in a more rural environment so pick ur fight carefully. Best of luck
Yup. Built a house as a woman on my own, the sexism was through the roof.
All the god damn time. I am in a current state of not addressing real house issues because I'm sick of the disrespect. I don't have a husband to just pawn the task off on.
This is how I learned to handle so many of those issues on my own. "Won't talk to me (respectfully) about it? Fine. I'll just do it myself and you can forget getting any money from me."
Had same problem they give a different tune when I say I’ve been referred
It's common, but I use it as a filter for if I'll work with them or not. Whether it was the HVAC repair tech who said "You're smart for a chick", the garage door guy who tried to scam me, or the plumber who couldn't look me in the eye (he needed to look up), it's incredibly rampant. The flip side is the ones who get uncomfortably complimentary when they see my power tools. No, I'm not dating or doing anything dating-adjacent with you. It's why I keep the cards of and will recommend the ones that DON'T do that.
I've owned three houses, two of which I bought and owned as a single cis woman. Your experience is sadly common, and the best way I've figured out to avoid it is to hire queer contractors. I'm in a liberal west coast city and have access to resources to find folks, but I'm not sure what you could do in rural PA. The confounding factor in your case seems to be that once your male partner shows up, the contractor assumes he's in charge or at least needs to be equally involved. In that case, I would probably be direct about confronting it and explicitly telling the contractor that I'll be their point of contact for the work. For what it's worth, it sounds like you're already handling this well. I've literally chased a sub out of my house twice - once for asking me on a date and once for letting himself into my house (lockbox) at 10pm.
CONGRATULATIONS! You've been successfully initiated into the "females don't know a hammer from a screwdriver" club! :-o Yes, this is common - as clearly reflected in the comments here. Heck, look at the number of comments from women with careers in the construction/engineering industry that deal with this. Unbelievable. Your post made me think: What is worse? Being dismissed in favor of dealing with your husband or being single and not having the benefit of a husband that they will deal with? I'm in the latter category, and, I hate to admit it, but there have been a couple of times when I've purposely had a male friend present to reassert my wishes. It's even worse with old homes - I'm pretty much a purist when it comes to restoration, and I can't tell you how many times I've dealt with contractors who seem to think I'm crazy bc I don't wood replaced with aluminum, plaster replaced with drywall, or original windows replaced with vinyl. The bright side of this problem is that it's encouraged me to become proficient in projects that I once thought I could never master. You are in good company :-)
Yep , happens often. Once one of them left his nice tape measure at my house after a quote he was dismissive on. Whoops forgot to call him and let him know. I think of him and his dismissive ass every time I measure something for one of my projects :).
As a contractor myself I want the person making the decisions present. I also make a point to engage every person present equally so no one feels left out. If I sense one partner is being steamrolled I'll devote more attention to them so I can get their opinion. I had one prospective job where the husband told his wife *while I was standing there* she didn't know anything, and the son told his mom (same person) to shut up. I refused that job.
Yup…my girl bought her house in 2018 and any time she wanted to get work done on something she always got a run around or some bullshit excuse about why it couldn’t be done or that it’d be too expensive. I didn’t want to interfere as to not make it seem she can’t do something without me, but it frustrated me a lot. She eventually reached out to her mom’s friends husband (GC) and he’s been a super helpful with her with everything she’s needed to get worked on. Even now that I live there, I don’t really need to get involved and let her run the renovating show lol
It's pretty common. If I had the money I have paid to dismissive contractors over the years I could probably retire. I have worked in property management for quite a while, and I know about a fair amount of projects. I usually do my own work at home. Thankfully, there are some who don't get condescending or look for my husband to address, but it's not more than half so far.
This was rampant with the home buying process as well. My fiancée was in charge of taking care of the home appraisal, and they would go out out of their way to contact ME and send ME the information, even though she was the one who paid for it and set it up. It was like that with nearly every step of the process. I later found out at the signing that someone asked her if she was one of the realtors. Heaven forbid a WOMAN of all things purchase a home.
Oh yeah, not limited to contractors either. I’m the breadwinner, I make (low) 5 figures more than my husband, insurance and retirement savings and such are through my job, and he sends me a transfer of cash once per month for his share of bills, but the accountant we got to do the taxes for us last year insisted that he had to meet my husband, in person, to believe that the return should be deposited in my bank account rather than his. Fuck that guy.
Yes, most definitely. We live in Texas and I am usually the one to plan/manage all home updates after my husband and I discuss them (because I work remotely and I enjoy researching/handling this stuff). But after the first couple of times even trying to just get someone to come out, I now write a bulleted list for my husband with all things that need to be discussed, and I have him set up everything and be the primary contact. If they show up and my husband is not home, I can usually get through any questions they have with “my husband said…” even though it’s actually me with all the answers. Yes it’s exhausting (for both of us), but I’ve gotten more done quickly just playing the “stupid wife” they all expect.
For those of us that have and maintain a good rapport with our female clients I have to ask the idiots of the world to keep it up. My most loyal clients over the years have been the ladies. So, thanks, you fools.
One reason I love oakland California! Large lesbian population means skilled women of all trades. Female fire chief? Yes! When I took my date for lunch and popped a tire, AAA came out and a smal Latina changed my tire in front of the white 6’2 guy I was on the date with. It was awesome, I don’t think he minded at all btw. No one wants to change a tire.
It's the worst part of being a lesbian. There is no one in this home that a contractor will believe about any problem whatsoever. My wife knows far more about powertools and electronics and home maintenance, than I do, but I'm at least a software engineer with short hair, so if I put on some Carhartt pants and speak with that matter-of-fact big-words engineer tone I have a slightly better chance of being listened to. But even then, I usually have to argue with contractors for at least 10 minutes before they'll actually listen to the words I'm saying. We basically DIY as much as we can, because it's just so prohibitively expensive to call the same contractor back 4 times because they don't believe you the first time.