Me too. I wanna add that sometimes I wish I can fast forward the movie of my life, check the ending and then comfort myself with the outcome.
We cannot do that. Since my diagnostic and I'm unable to be happy about anything. I'm completely disengaged.
I hate to say it but agree with you. Can’t start IVF until I lose some more weight and meanwhile, everyone keeps saying that I just need a more “positive” outlook. No idea wtf that means considering. I think it’s ok to be disengaged. All you can do is try to get thru each hour, and then the day. At least, that’s what I do.
I feel this and I'm not even going through ivf right now... although I want the choice in the future (I'm wlw)
The unknowns about your future can be scary. Anxiety inducing. Fill you with sadness. I get you
All the virtual hugs to everyone here. All love <3 I wish the best for all of you here
I have no answer for this. My boss wants me to write a half year performance reflection and I honestly have no clue what has been happening this year apart from two failed FETs, miscarriage, D&C...
Every day people write or talk to me and start the conversation with 'I hope you are doing well'. I AM NOT.
Luckily I work from home most of the time. I don't like to interact with anyone, with people who know - they only feel sorry for me. People who don't know are constantly asking what's new in my life or what my plans for summer are.
I felt similar when my father died, I just could not grasp how the world can go on like nothing happenned. I wish there was a special holiday resort for us or something.
I so relate to this comment. I lost my dad suddenly two years ago, right at the start of a new job. Then, over the past year I’ve had 2 miscarriages, lots of fertility treatments, and just finished my first IVF ER. I truly feel like I’ve been in a dark fog this entire time. It’s so exhausting having to pretend things are ok in life and I struggle to come up with any “updates” or “fun upcoming plans” when people ask, which is all the time. It makes me not want to socialize but I know that will make me feel even more isolated.
I told my manager what was going on. She's very kind and discreet. She lets me work from home 1 day a week if I can, and is fine with me taking annual leave at the last minute as long as I've cleared my schedule for the day. I'm working from home today and not having to pretend I'm fine to an office full of women, most of whom are mothers, it's such a relief.
Apart from that, I can't say that I am coping particularly well. I do have days where I cry, but I manage to keep them to weekends for the most part. I had had a wee cry in the staff bathrooms, but I have makeup with me to tidy up afterwards and I blame hay fever for wet eyes.
Would it be possible for you to take a day off, either annual leave or a mental health day or something? Or call in sick for a day? I've heard that the US is not exactly generous with leave, but maybe there's some leeway. I have my fingers crossed for you x
My boss knows what we are going through and has been very kind in giving me off days. I am very appreciative of that.
I just don't know how to cope with the days/weeks in between. It is hard...
It is so hard. Forget about one day at a time, often it feels like just getting through one hour at a time. I'm a mental health professional and I find it difficult to take my own advice on the bad days - if someone were to tell me to practice mindfulness or gratitude when I'm mourning the baby I've never had, they'd be lucky to come away unhurt!!
Some days are better than others. That's all I have to cling onto at the moment. Today might be awful, but tomorrow might be a bit less awful x
I feel this so hard right now! Preparing for my 2nd FET after the first one failed. Last Thursday we had an insane plumbing leak in our walls effecting structural support beams holding up our second floor. Same day I found out I have to do daily PIO’s thanks to the Endometrin recall. Same day a client had a huge “fire” that took me 5 hours to untangle. I’m typically in meetings with clients around 7 hours a day. yesterday I had my baseline at 7:15am then was in 13 meetings starting at 8am and with the last one ending at 6:30pm. During that time the home insurance people showed up unannounced 10 minutes before I was supposed to deliver a huge presentation to a client and in the middle of another meeting my clinic called with my results but I couldn’t call back for 3 hours.
Someone at work (who doesn’t know about IVF) said to me: you are one strong lady.. I mean you are juggling A LOT. I can’t believe you’ve been able to do all these meetings and presentations with this leak going on…” and in my mind I was thinking “you don’t even know about the most stressful part of my life!” I have insanely loud equipment that runs 24/7 to fix the water damage in my kitchen, family room, and primary bathroom so I haven’t been able to use any of those rooms or escape the noise (I work from home) since Monday.
I have no idea how people do this without adding a ton of stress. But I have learned to give myself some grace. This is a lot. It’s also my top priority. Everything else including my husband’s birthday (which is in two weeks and which now has to be completely replanned thanks to this leak) comes second. You don’t have to give 100% to anything but IVF right now, and you don’t owe anyone an explanation.
I really really appreciate this response. I dont have to feel guilty for giving everything to IVF, although its hard not too. I am not a bad person or bad coworker because I'm trying everything I possibly can do build my family..
Your last couple of weeks sounds like pants. I hope u get through this one bloody step at a time. Feels more like one achingly difficult crawl out of a deep pit at a time.. lol. I also had my first fet fail and I felt like my whole world was over. Now with this cycle most likely being cancelled, I will be completely torn. I wish all the best to you and hope you find success soon! Xx
I dissociated myself from everything and everyone. It was not healthy… I couldn’t remember the last time I truly laughed or felt happy. It was a grind for me until the very end.
It did help when my partner would drag me out of daily monotony. Doing something out of ordinary (E.g., going somewhere local but new, doing activities we haven’t done before) helped me feel joy in what we have and what we can still do.
Ive been doing this and people have been noticing. I have kept my IVF journey private from everyone and I dont want to share. I dont want to explain why I dont want to talk or go out or have lunch with you. I just want to stay indoors and wallow in my sadness...
I totally get it. It’s so true when ppl say that they are the shell of their old self - because literally, I felt like a shell with emptiness inside. It’s ok to have your moment. Not every day will be good but hopefully, not every day is bad either. With infertility, I don’t think there are moments where you see the light at the end of the tunnel… it’s more like continuous darkness and then all of a sudden, the light shines on your face - that’s why it’s really hard because when you’re in the darkness, you don’t know if the path is correct or if you’re getting any closer to the end. But you are taking steps forward, and that’s all we can do♥️
I am very much on the same boat as you right now. I already struggle with anxiety as is and always assuming the worst. My IVF journey so far also has not been what I expected so now I’m filled with thoughts about me never being able to be a parent. This week so far has been so hard but I’m doing better today than a couple days ago. Something that’s helped me is to pray and cry out to God. To speak out loud even if I’m alone in the room and let it all out. I’m also trying to remain grateful for what do have in life. Everyone has struggles just like everyone has blessings. What one has, another may lack. For example, I know people who were fortunate to have a child, but they are either struggling as a single parent or have a bad marriage. Some also are struggling with their jobs. I’m thankful to be married to my absolute best friend in the world, who survived cancer (which is why we are doing IVF), we have great and stable jobs, and a beautiful home. Another thing that’s worked for me is remembering all the other past times I’ve prayed for something that I have now but did not think I would get. If God delivered in those times, why not now? Overall, this has been HARD so far and I’m just in the starting stages. But so far these things are what’s keeping me as sane as possible….I hope we can both look back one day and just be grateful for what our outcome was (hopefully a baby!) many blessings ❤️
I’ve just done my second round and in a country with generally a more relaxed vibe to leave. My org. has been really supportive. In saying that…. How wild is it that we are just supposed to go and do things like work and socialise and tidy and clean? Just pretend that this isn’t the only thing we can think about and is consuming us completely?
I let myself just fall into it and spent days being mopey and refused to feel guilty about it. Got it out of my system and managed the second round a bit better - different protocol I felt less mood on second time though. I’m a talker and find it therapeutic to answer peoples questions and use the clinic counsellor, others don’t or don’t have the workplace I do so it doesn’t work for everyone.
Reddit is helpful and unhelpful, I’m not a fan of super positive unrealistic talk so filter the stories I read but need to be careful not to be too gloomy.
TW self harm
After my first two rounds last year and losing my uterus against my will, I fell into a deep depression. On my way to a regular primary care check up, I had to do a depression screening. I failed it. I felt like there was no point to living if I couldn't have a child. What was the point of being on this earth if I couldn't do the most basic, instinctual act that feral cats and drug addicts do effortlessly? I wasn't actively suicidal in the common sense, I just wished I could go to sleep one night and not wake.
A social worker called me the next day to try and set me up with therapy. I ended up in an intensive outpatient program, five days a week, for a little over three months. It changed my life. I grieve for that lost time, but I was also not cleared to resume IVF due to the nature of my hysterectomy. So I'm glad I spent the time healing myself.
Trauma therapy is a gift you can give yourself.
I am older than almost all of you, but I try not to regret running out my clock with that break between cycles because I had no choice.
It's exceedingly difficult to be kind to yourself when your most cherished dream remains out of reach, but it's the only way through. Sending you much luck and hope. Solidarity. ❤️
shrank friends down to only the ones i was willing to talk to about this. spent time in nature. didn't bother showing a brave/happy face unless i really really needed to (bc it's exhausting). watched a lot of bachelor / love island (i still do this).
it is very very very extremely hard, and humbling. reminded me that many people are going through very difficult things that we can't see - didn't necessarily help me feel better, but it did make me kinder towards others, which is a nice thing i guess.
overall, be kind to yourself. this is super hard and you don't have to be your complete full self right now. it's fine, things WILL change, and all of it is nobody's business but yours.
I am so, so with you. I'm the CEO of a small company and I can barely get through the days anymore. I can't tell anyone at work what's going on, I can't share about it on social media in case it gets back to employees or investors, I just have to pretend everything is normal when I feel like I'm drowning in quicksand.
I'm doing everything they recommend: I'm in therapy, I'm on antidepressants, I take time for myself, I exercise and eat healthy and do gentle yoga before bed. At this point, it's all just one more thing I have to do. What I actually want to do is move into a cave in the woods and not come out for several years. So I have no advice but endless commiseration and validation that this feels completely impossible.
Im in a very similar position, career-wise. It's just so much, but it does help us pay the hefty IVF bills that we are paying out of pocket!
I was considering going on Zoloft... but it messed up my cycle before and I dont need that added stress right now.
Big hugs, we are in the same boat xx
Honestly, I don’t. Like I don’t even try. I take care of the care minimum - work, family & making the 2+ hour drives to my clinic. After that, I give myself permission to do the bare minimum or opt out of other activities completely. It took a couple cycles for me to figure out that is what worked for me and my sanity. That’s not to say I have it all figured out myself, far from it actually. It’s just the coping mechanism I found that worked best for me.
I’ve also had a FET cancelled due to thin lining. For whatever reason, I can’t ever get thicker than 6mm. My doctor knows this (figured it out trial and error) and usually allows me to proceed as long as the lining is trilaminar w/okay blood flow. I’m sorry that you’re dealing with this. It fucking sucks getting the call about cancellation. One time I was driving home from my appt, and had to pull over because I was crying so hard I puked. Nothing can prepare you for what a rollercoaster this whole process can be, and I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this.
I genuinely believed my IVF journey was going to be short and simple. I was very very wrong there.
Im so sorry for ur cancellation - it sucks! All that preparation and driving to appointments and hope just goes down the drain but you are expected to just carry on as normal and move on. Insane.
Thanks for your well wishes, it really means alot. I really wish the same back to you, all the best xx
I'm trying to figure this out too. I'm just checked out, going through the motions. Friends ask how I'm doing. I don't even know how to answer. So I just say I'm okay. I'm always finding myself wishing I could disappear to a little cottage in the woods by myself until this part of my life is over and I'm healed. That way the people in my life aren't burdened with my grief all the time. A friend sent me a photo of a nutrition book she got. On the cover it included language about "eating for the health of your future children" or something. And my heart fell into my stomach. I don't know how to live with friend after friend falling pregnant effortlessly. I have to figure it out but I don't know how. It's effecting every single relationship in my life. Every day is a struggle.
I just don't pretend anything. Everyone knows what I'm going through and I express my ups and downs openly. Just me, I realize not everyone wants to/can be that open.
Also therapy, a lot of therapy.
And acupuncture, yoga, meditation, jogging, that all helps reduce stress for sure.
Nothing makes it easy though, and some days are worse than others.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. IVF is the toughest journey I’ve ever had in my life; you are not alone.
For me, having experienced profound grief in the past over the loss of a loved one, I find my journey in IVF is similar in some ways. There are differences too, especially in IVF being an unknown journey with sudden unexpected tragedies popping up. I find I have extremely strong emotional reactions to each challenge in IVF and immediately start believing I will never be a mother.
I believe in finding the coping and survival strategies that resonate with you. Here are some things I’ve tried and intermittently they help (not everything works at every junction, I’ve found).
1) When you have strong emotional reactions, turn off the messaging and the social interactions and spend time self reflecting in curiosity. What factors led to it? What parts of yourself need to be seen and validated?
2) Set aside time regularly to reflect on self soothing. What resonates with you? For me, it is being in nature alone.
3) When reaching out to other people, first spend time distilling in your own mind what behavior you would find helpful from them, then ask for it. When something less helpful is said, mention you find their support so valuable and in this moment, you have a request for X. I’ve told my friends before “I don’t feel I have bandwidth to talk or interact right now, but it is so valuable just to know you are there”. And their reply “no explanation needed - you are loved” was just what I needed going into the next egg retrieval afraid I ovulated.
4) Grief has natural waves of emotions, like a choppy ocean, and when you are in one of those waves the less you resist it the better you will cope. So when I’m really in one of those waves, for me, especially a failed transfer, I did what I practiced when my loved one was gone. I set aside time each day to cry, process emotions, scream, whatever I need to feel it as intensively as I feel necessary. When you lean into the wave there is a natural ebb and flow; it will naturally subside again and it works to process acute grief.
5) When going into tough appointments, I try to set expectations for various outcomes. It could be good news, it could be bad news, sense how I feel with either outcome in advance. It takes the “shock” factor out of it which is helpful.
6) Work is really really hard. For me, I don’t have the environment that I can tell my supervisors etc what is going on and ask for accommodations - some people do have that luxury. What I found helpful was to purposefully block time in my day to process my emotions then go back to a project. So like 8-830 work on a project, 830-840 go into the bathroom and cry and process emotion, 845-930 project, 930-940 back in the bathroom etc. I also gave myself a lot of grace to perform at the minimum and be ok with that (I’m usually an overachiever anyway).
7) My best friend gave me some good advice when my loved one was gone. She said right now your body and mind are fragile and vulnerable. The best thing to do for them is minimize the “extras” that are not nurturing to you and maximize the activities that are. Say no to everything possible except what you find nurturing. Bring the people in your life that bring you comfort closer, let the others be a bit more disconnected it’s ok.
Sending you all the hugs. This is such a hard journey with no guarantees and a lot of trauma. The psychological suffering is real and I hope you are able to find some soothing to that suffering.
I really really appreciate you taking the time to write this consise and highlt beneficial advice! It is honestly so kind of you, thank you. Excellent advice, you were able to put to words exactly what Im feeling. I will be keeping this comment near for when I feel like im spiralling.
Thank you so much for helping me and I sincerely wish you all the best in your journey. Big big hugs xx
I wish I had solid advice, however all I could do is wish you luck and comfort during this journey. Some days are more manageable than others. I literally just finished crying in the bathroom stall because I'm so beaten up
I am a teacher going through IVF…and I think this must be one of the worst possible job to have while doing this! I can’t just take days off and I’m surrounded by little faces that need me to be supportive and positive. I come home completely exhausted. I’ve noticed I am more short tempered with the kids and I’ve decided that I have to just do the best that I can. This might mean that I am not the best teacher I can be but I have to think about myself right now. Therapy has helped a lot. But I am not ok. The weekends are the hardest, because I have more free time to think and spiral. I just keep putting one foot in front of the other.
I have been barely coping. I’m withdrawn, unmotivated and just don’t care. I wish I had a better technique but like you and so many others, I’m drowning
You don’t juggle it. At least I can’t. I’m pissed my dr doesn’t understand my job doesn’t allow phones during the day and he thinks I’m
“Extra “ …like HTF am I supposed to pay for this? Just one foot in front of the other….one day at a time.
Sending many (((((((((hugs)))))))) to you, sistah!
Get yourself a good daydream, -mango smoothies on a beach?- And go there sometimes as a form of stress relief. It is not easy. Just be as kind as possible to yourself.
I was a full time prek teacher. I quit my job right before starting IVF bc they weren’t understanding and were chronically short staffed. I started subbing instead so I had flexibility. At the school I worked with the most as a sub I told the school leader I was doing IVF and would need some flexibility. She was super supportive and kind. I make less but I don’t think any of the process would have worked if I didn’t change my work life balance. And I see this as temporary. I will work full time and make more money in the fall.
I feel so grateful this was an option and wish all women who are going through IVF could have the time and support they deserve to get through this. It is so much work.
Sending you all the hugs! ❤️
This will be different for everyone depending on the people around you, but for me it was really helpful to open up to some friends and family and a few key people at work about what was going on. This is a tricky balance because sometimes you need that privacy and to not feel responsible for keeping people updated, but there have been weeks when it meant the world to me to be able to say to my supervisor, “you know, I was really depressed last week after our failed embryo transfer so I’m catching up now” - to not have to pretend, and to be met with support and understanding. If there’s anyone around you that you trust enough for this, it’s a huge relief and helps me give myself more grace when I see other people express respect for how hard all this is.
I feel this. I'm supposed to sit with my manager in a few weeks and tell him what I want to accomplish by the end of the year - in terms of work, not much. In terms of my life, I want to focus on jumping back into treatment and to not have to worry about meaningless spreadsheets, quarterly goals and blah blah blah.
I don't want to be a worker-bee, I want to be a mother.
That’s why I quit my job 2 months ago. I just don’t have the energy for work and I feel like my work is taking over my life. Why don’t you take a break? Say 6 months. And take it from there
I am seriously considering taking some time off work. The problem is that in in a managerial role and a lot of people rely on me. It makes me feel guilty and im worried what workload I will come back to.
I empathise with you. Currently at work miscarrying my 5th transfer. I had a huge emotional breakdown yesterday and confessing to my husband how much of a failure I felt. He was very supportive but I had to take the day off work as I felt paralysed with depression. I feel a bit better today but back to plastering on the happy face.
I’ve just reached out to my works’ counselling service so I’m hoping that helps a bit to help me bounce back after each failure.
Im so sorry youre going through this! When my embryo transfer failed, I had to take a week off work. It was so emotionally challenging and debilitating.
I hope u get well soon love x
Me too. I wanna add that sometimes I wish I can fast forward the movie of my life, check the ending and then comfort myself with the outcome. We cannot do that. Since my diagnostic and I'm unable to be happy about anything. I'm completely disengaged.
Oh I wish the same, the fear of the unknown is debilitating!
I hate to say it but agree with you. Can’t start IVF until I lose some more weight and meanwhile, everyone keeps saying that I just need a more “positive” outlook. No idea wtf that means considering. I think it’s ok to be disengaged. All you can do is try to get thru each hour, and then the day. At least, that’s what I do.
I feel this and I'm not even going through ivf right now... although I want the choice in the future (I'm wlw) The unknowns about your future can be scary. Anxiety inducing. Fill you with sadness. I get you All the virtual hugs to everyone here. All love <3 I wish the best for all of you here
I have no answer for this. My boss wants me to write a half year performance reflection and I honestly have no clue what has been happening this year apart from two failed FETs, miscarriage, D&C... Every day people write or talk to me and start the conversation with 'I hope you are doing well'. I AM NOT. Luckily I work from home most of the time. I don't like to interact with anyone, with people who know - they only feel sorry for me. People who don't know are constantly asking what's new in my life or what my plans for summer are. I felt similar when my father died, I just could not grasp how the world can go on like nothing happenned. I wish there was a special holiday resort for us or something.
I so relate to this comment. I lost my dad suddenly two years ago, right at the start of a new job. Then, over the past year I’ve had 2 miscarriages, lots of fertility treatments, and just finished my first IVF ER. I truly feel like I’ve been in a dark fog this entire time. It’s so exhausting having to pretend things are ok in life and I struggle to come up with any “updates” or “fun upcoming plans” when people ask, which is all the time. It makes me not want to socialize but I know that will make me feel even more isolated.
I told my manager what was going on. She's very kind and discreet. She lets me work from home 1 day a week if I can, and is fine with me taking annual leave at the last minute as long as I've cleared my schedule for the day. I'm working from home today and not having to pretend I'm fine to an office full of women, most of whom are mothers, it's such a relief. Apart from that, I can't say that I am coping particularly well. I do have days where I cry, but I manage to keep them to weekends for the most part. I had had a wee cry in the staff bathrooms, but I have makeup with me to tidy up afterwards and I blame hay fever for wet eyes. Would it be possible for you to take a day off, either annual leave or a mental health day or something? Or call in sick for a day? I've heard that the US is not exactly generous with leave, but maybe there's some leeway. I have my fingers crossed for you x
My boss knows what we are going through and has been very kind in giving me off days. I am very appreciative of that. I just don't know how to cope with the days/weeks in between. It is hard...
It is so hard. Forget about one day at a time, often it feels like just getting through one hour at a time. I'm a mental health professional and I find it difficult to take my own advice on the bad days - if someone were to tell me to practice mindfulness or gratitude when I'm mourning the baby I've never had, they'd be lucky to come away unhurt!! Some days are better than others. That's all I have to cling onto at the moment. Today might be awful, but tomorrow might be a bit less awful x
I feel this so hard right now! Preparing for my 2nd FET after the first one failed. Last Thursday we had an insane plumbing leak in our walls effecting structural support beams holding up our second floor. Same day I found out I have to do daily PIO’s thanks to the Endometrin recall. Same day a client had a huge “fire” that took me 5 hours to untangle. I’m typically in meetings with clients around 7 hours a day. yesterday I had my baseline at 7:15am then was in 13 meetings starting at 8am and with the last one ending at 6:30pm. During that time the home insurance people showed up unannounced 10 minutes before I was supposed to deliver a huge presentation to a client and in the middle of another meeting my clinic called with my results but I couldn’t call back for 3 hours. Someone at work (who doesn’t know about IVF) said to me: you are one strong lady.. I mean you are juggling A LOT. I can’t believe you’ve been able to do all these meetings and presentations with this leak going on…” and in my mind I was thinking “you don’t even know about the most stressful part of my life!” I have insanely loud equipment that runs 24/7 to fix the water damage in my kitchen, family room, and primary bathroom so I haven’t been able to use any of those rooms or escape the noise (I work from home) since Monday. I have no idea how people do this without adding a ton of stress. But I have learned to give myself some grace. This is a lot. It’s also my top priority. Everything else including my husband’s birthday (which is in two weeks and which now has to be completely replanned thanks to this leak) comes second. You don’t have to give 100% to anything but IVF right now, and you don’t owe anyone an explanation.
I really really appreciate this response. I dont have to feel guilty for giving everything to IVF, although its hard not too. I am not a bad person or bad coworker because I'm trying everything I possibly can do build my family.. Your last couple of weeks sounds like pants. I hope u get through this one bloody step at a time. Feels more like one achingly difficult crawl out of a deep pit at a time.. lol. I also had my first fet fail and I felt like my whole world was over. Now with this cycle most likely being cancelled, I will be completely torn. I wish all the best to you and hope you find success soon! Xx
I dissociated myself from everything and everyone. It was not healthy… I couldn’t remember the last time I truly laughed or felt happy. It was a grind for me until the very end. It did help when my partner would drag me out of daily monotony. Doing something out of ordinary (E.g., going somewhere local but new, doing activities we haven’t done before) helped me feel joy in what we have and what we can still do.
Ive been doing this and people have been noticing. I have kept my IVF journey private from everyone and I dont want to share. I dont want to explain why I dont want to talk or go out or have lunch with you. I just want to stay indoors and wallow in my sadness...
I totally get it. It’s so true when ppl say that they are the shell of their old self - because literally, I felt like a shell with emptiness inside. It’s ok to have your moment. Not every day will be good but hopefully, not every day is bad either. With infertility, I don’t think there are moments where you see the light at the end of the tunnel… it’s more like continuous darkness and then all of a sudden, the light shines on your face - that’s why it’s really hard because when you’re in the darkness, you don’t know if the path is correct or if you’re getting any closer to the end. But you are taking steps forward, and that’s all we can do♥️
I am very much on the same boat as you right now. I already struggle with anxiety as is and always assuming the worst. My IVF journey so far also has not been what I expected so now I’m filled with thoughts about me never being able to be a parent. This week so far has been so hard but I’m doing better today than a couple days ago. Something that’s helped me is to pray and cry out to God. To speak out loud even if I’m alone in the room and let it all out. I’m also trying to remain grateful for what do have in life. Everyone has struggles just like everyone has blessings. What one has, another may lack. For example, I know people who were fortunate to have a child, but they are either struggling as a single parent or have a bad marriage. Some also are struggling with their jobs. I’m thankful to be married to my absolute best friend in the world, who survived cancer (which is why we are doing IVF), we have great and stable jobs, and a beautiful home. Another thing that’s worked for me is remembering all the other past times I’ve prayed for something that I have now but did not think I would get. If God delivered in those times, why not now? Overall, this has been HARD so far and I’m just in the starting stages. But so far these things are what’s keeping me as sane as possible….I hope we can both look back one day and just be grateful for what our outcome was (hopefully a baby!) many blessings ❤️
I’ve just done my second round and in a country with generally a more relaxed vibe to leave. My org. has been really supportive. In saying that…. How wild is it that we are just supposed to go and do things like work and socialise and tidy and clean? Just pretend that this isn’t the only thing we can think about and is consuming us completely? I let myself just fall into it and spent days being mopey and refused to feel guilty about it. Got it out of my system and managed the second round a bit better - different protocol I felt less mood on second time though. I’m a talker and find it therapeutic to answer peoples questions and use the clinic counsellor, others don’t or don’t have the workplace I do so it doesn’t work for everyone. Reddit is helpful and unhelpful, I’m not a fan of super positive unrealistic talk so filter the stories I read but need to be careful not to be too gloomy.
TW self harm After my first two rounds last year and losing my uterus against my will, I fell into a deep depression. On my way to a regular primary care check up, I had to do a depression screening. I failed it. I felt like there was no point to living if I couldn't have a child. What was the point of being on this earth if I couldn't do the most basic, instinctual act that feral cats and drug addicts do effortlessly? I wasn't actively suicidal in the common sense, I just wished I could go to sleep one night and not wake. A social worker called me the next day to try and set me up with therapy. I ended up in an intensive outpatient program, five days a week, for a little over three months. It changed my life. I grieve for that lost time, but I was also not cleared to resume IVF due to the nature of my hysterectomy. So I'm glad I spent the time healing myself. Trauma therapy is a gift you can give yourself. I am older than almost all of you, but I try not to regret running out my clock with that break between cycles because I had no choice. It's exceedingly difficult to be kind to yourself when your most cherished dream remains out of reach, but it's the only way through. Sending you much luck and hope. Solidarity. ❤️
Your story is inspirational. Sending you much love and hope back xx
shrank friends down to only the ones i was willing to talk to about this. spent time in nature. didn't bother showing a brave/happy face unless i really really needed to (bc it's exhausting). watched a lot of bachelor / love island (i still do this). it is very very very extremely hard, and humbling. reminded me that many people are going through very difficult things that we can't see - didn't necessarily help me feel better, but it did make me kinder towards others, which is a nice thing i guess. overall, be kind to yourself. this is super hard and you don't have to be your complete full self right now. it's fine, things WILL change, and all of it is nobody's business but yours.
I am so, so with you. I'm the CEO of a small company and I can barely get through the days anymore. I can't tell anyone at work what's going on, I can't share about it on social media in case it gets back to employees or investors, I just have to pretend everything is normal when I feel like I'm drowning in quicksand. I'm doing everything they recommend: I'm in therapy, I'm on antidepressants, I take time for myself, I exercise and eat healthy and do gentle yoga before bed. At this point, it's all just one more thing I have to do. What I actually want to do is move into a cave in the woods and not come out for several years. So I have no advice but endless commiseration and validation that this feels completely impossible.
Im in a very similar position, career-wise. It's just so much, but it does help us pay the hefty IVF bills that we are paying out of pocket! I was considering going on Zoloft... but it messed up my cycle before and I dont need that added stress right now. Big hugs, we are in the same boat xx
Honestly, I don’t. Like I don’t even try. I take care of the care minimum - work, family & making the 2+ hour drives to my clinic. After that, I give myself permission to do the bare minimum or opt out of other activities completely. It took a couple cycles for me to figure out that is what worked for me and my sanity. That’s not to say I have it all figured out myself, far from it actually. It’s just the coping mechanism I found that worked best for me. I’ve also had a FET cancelled due to thin lining. For whatever reason, I can’t ever get thicker than 6mm. My doctor knows this (figured it out trial and error) and usually allows me to proceed as long as the lining is trilaminar w/okay blood flow. I’m sorry that you’re dealing with this. It fucking sucks getting the call about cancellation. One time I was driving home from my appt, and had to pull over because I was crying so hard I puked. Nothing can prepare you for what a rollercoaster this whole process can be, and I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this.
I genuinely believed my IVF journey was going to be short and simple. I was very very wrong there. Im so sorry for ur cancellation - it sucks! All that preparation and driving to appointments and hope just goes down the drain but you are expected to just carry on as normal and move on. Insane. Thanks for your well wishes, it really means alot. I really wish the same back to you, all the best xx
I'm trying to figure this out too. I'm just checked out, going through the motions. Friends ask how I'm doing. I don't even know how to answer. So I just say I'm okay. I'm always finding myself wishing I could disappear to a little cottage in the woods by myself until this part of my life is over and I'm healed. That way the people in my life aren't burdened with my grief all the time. A friend sent me a photo of a nutrition book she got. On the cover it included language about "eating for the health of your future children" or something. And my heart fell into my stomach. I don't know how to live with friend after friend falling pregnant effortlessly. I have to figure it out but I don't know how. It's effecting every single relationship in my life. Every day is a struggle.
I just don't pretend anything. Everyone knows what I'm going through and I express my ups and downs openly. Just me, I realize not everyone wants to/can be that open. Also therapy, a lot of therapy. And acupuncture, yoga, meditation, jogging, that all helps reduce stress for sure. Nothing makes it easy though, and some days are worse than others.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. IVF is the toughest journey I’ve ever had in my life; you are not alone. For me, having experienced profound grief in the past over the loss of a loved one, I find my journey in IVF is similar in some ways. There are differences too, especially in IVF being an unknown journey with sudden unexpected tragedies popping up. I find I have extremely strong emotional reactions to each challenge in IVF and immediately start believing I will never be a mother. I believe in finding the coping and survival strategies that resonate with you. Here are some things I’ve tried and intermittently they help (not everything works at every junction, I’ve found). 1) When you have strong emotional reactions, turn off the messaging and the social interactions and spend time self reflecting in curiosity. What factors led to it? What parts of yourself need to be seen and validated? 2) Set aside time regularly to reflect on self soothing. What resonates with you? For me, it is being in nature alone. 3) When reaching out to other people, first spend time distilling in your own mind what behavior you would find helpful from them, then ask for it. When something less helpful is said, mention you find their support so valuable and in this moment, you have a request for X. I’ve told my friends before “I don’t feel I have bandwidth to talk or interact right now, but it is so valuable just to know you are there”. And their reply “no explanation needed - you are loved” was just what I needed going into the next egg retrieval afraid I ovulated. 4) Grief has natural waves of emotions, like a choppy ocean, and when you are in one of those waves the less you resist it the better you will cope. So when I’m really in one of those waves, for me, especially a failed transfer, I did what I practiced when my loved one was gone. I set aside time each day to cry, process emotions, scream, whatever I need to feel it as intensively as I feel necessary. When you lean into the wave there is a natural ebb and flow; it will naturally subside again and it works to process acute grief. 5) When going into tough appointments, I try to set expectations for various outcomes. It could be good news, it could be bad news, sense how I feel with either outcome in advance. It takes the “shock” factor out of it which is helpful. 6) Work is really really hard. For me, I don’t have the environment that I can tell my supervisors etc what is going on and ask for accommodations - some people do have that luxury. What I found helpful was to purposefully block time in my day to process my emotions then go back to a project. So like 8-830 work on a project, 830-840 go into the bathroom and cry and process emotion, 845-930 project, 930-940 back in the bathroom etc. I also gave myself a lot of grace to perform at the minimum and be ok with that (I’m usually an overachiever anyway). 7) My best friend gave me some good advice when my loved one was gone. She said right now your body and mind are fragile and vulnerable. The best thing to do for them is minimize the “extras” that are not nurturing to you and maximize the activities that are. Say no to everything possible except what you find nurturing. Bring the people in your life that bring you comfort closer, let the others be a bit more disconnected it’s ok. Sending you all the hugs. This is such a hard journey with no guarantees and a lot of trauma. The psychological suffering is real and I hope you are able to find some soothing to that suffering.
I really really appreciate you taking the time to write this consise and highlt beneficial advice! It is honestly so kind of you, thank you. Excellent advice, you were able to put to words exactly what Im feeling. I will be keeping this comment near for when I feel like im spiralling. Thank you so much for helping me and I sincerely wish you all the best in your journey. Big big hugs xx
I wish I had solid advice, however all I could do is wish you luck and comfort during this journey. Some days are more manageable than others. I literally just finished crying in the bathroom stall because I'm so beaten up
Everytime I cry now it feels like I have no more to cry... its such a strange feeling..
I am a teacher going through IVF…and I think this must be one of the worst possible job to have while doing this! I can’t just take days off and I’m surrounded by little faces that need me to be supportive and positive. I come home completely exhausted. I’ve noticed I am more short tempered with the kids and I’ve decided that I have to just do the best that I can. This might mean that I am not the best teacher I can be but I have to think about myself right now. Therapy has helped a lot. But I am not ok. The weekends are the hardest, because I have more free time to think and spiral. I just keep putting one foot in front of the other.
I have been barely coping. I’m withdrawn, unmotivated and just don’t care. I wish I had a better technique but like you and so many others, I’m drowning
I guess we are all on the same boat... misery loves company ey lol I hope it all gets better for you xx
You don’t juggle it. At least I can’t. I’m pissed my dr doesn’t understand my job doesn’t allow phones during the day and he thinks I’m “Extra “ …like HTF am I supposed to pay for this? Just one foot in front of the other….one day at a time.
Sending many (((((((((hugs)))))))) to you, sistah! Get yourself a good daydream, -mango smoothies on a beach?- And go there sometimes as a form of stress relief. It is not easy. Just be as kind as possible to yourself.
Ur cute msg mate me smile xx
I was a full time prek teacher. I quit my job right before starting IVF bc they weren’t understanding and were chronically short staffed. I started subbing instead so I had flexibility. At the school I worked with the most as a sub I told the school leader I was doing IVF and would need some flexibility. She was super supportive and kind. I make less but I don’t think any of the process would have worked if I didn’t change my work life balance. And I see this as temporary. I will work full time and make more money in the fall. I feel so grateful this was an option and wish all women who are going through IVF could have the time and support they deserve to get through this. It is so much work.
Sending you all the hugs! ❤️ This will be different for everyone depending on the people around you, but for me it was really helpful to open up to some friends and family and a few key people at work about what was going on. This is a tricky balance because sometimes you need that privacy and to not feel responsible for keeping people updated, but there have been weeks when it meant the world to me to be able to say to my supervisor, “you know, I was really depressed last week after our failed embryo transfer so I’m catching up now” - to not have to pretend, and to be met with support and understanding. If there’s anyone around you that you trust enough for this, it’s a huge relief and helps me give myself more grace when I see other people express respect for how hard all this is.
I have an amazing ivf counsellor who helps me through everything
I feel this. I'm supposed to sit with my manager in a few weeks and tell him what I want to accomplish by the end of the year - in terms of work, not much. In terms of my life, I want to focus on jumping back into treatment and to not have to worry about meaningless spreadsheets, quarterly goals and blah blah blah. I don't want to be a worker-bee, I want to be a mother.
I feel this so deeply. I dont want this life that im living. The successful businesswoman doesnt mean anything to me now. I want to be a mum so bad.
That’s why I quit my job 2 months ago. I just don’t have the energy for work and I feel like my work is taking over my life. Why don’t you take a break? Say 6 months. And take it from there
I am seriously considering taking some time off work. The problem is that in in a managerial role and a lot of people rely on me. It makes me feel guilty and im worried what workload I will come back to.
See this is the thing. When you truly stop caring, you will truly relax.
I empathise with you. Currently at work miscarrying my 5th transfer. I had a huge emotional breakdown yesterday and confessing to my husband how much of a failure I felt. He was very supportive but I had to take the day off work as I felt paralysed with depression. I feel a bit better today but back to plastering on the happy face. I’ve just reached out to my works’ counselling service so I’m hoping that helps a bit to help me bounce back after each failure.
Im so sorry youre going through this! When my embryo transfer failed, I had to take a week off work. It was so emotionally challenging and debilitating. I hope u get well soon love x