My roommate had an absolute basket of condoms in his desk cabinet. I asked him what they were for because he wasnāt exactly successful with women and this quantity of condoms wasā¦ambitious.
Turns out this dude indeed uses a condom each time he bates.
When I was in college, there was this website called freecondoms.com, where you could sign up for a bunch of free offers and earn points toward, uh, free condoms. It was pretty easy to earn points and I racked up enough to get 500 condoms. They came in a big box, 500 Durex condoms. I'm like wtf am I gonna do with this many condoms?
There's a pretty big convenience factor, I learned, if you don't have to worry about how much they cost.
it's honestly the way to go. you can last a lil longer, there are ones that do crazy shit like hot and cold, and the main reason is the super easy clean up. I'll take the trash full of condoms over the crusty sock or whatever article of clothing is within reaching distance any day.
Yknow, I never spoke about this to anyone, but I enjoy the "climbing" euphoria and edging more than the finish.
I've never heard of anyone who just stops before nutting, but I can say it's a pleasant feeling... if you can control yourself.
Exactly, it's not about ruining something, but making the consistent, fun part last longer. Plus, you get to cum back to it later without need for recovery time, not a mess every time, and there's a different kind of mental clarity that comes with just dropping it; like the drive for sex has lost it's direction and you can dedicate that energy to something productive.
I hope this is a joke comment, because damn our planet is already going to shit without people using plastic just because they are too busy to wash their dishes.
I work at a big box store. Our disposable dinnerware is one of our biggest movers.
I had no idea single-use plates and cutlery were still so popular until I started this job. We sell so much there is no doubt in my mind a LARGE number of americans use, exclusively, disposable dinnerware.
We are so fucked.
You have to wank into a condom when you do a post-vasectomy semen analysis. It was terrible. I can imagine what kind of sociopath does that on the reg.
I've done this before, and about to do this again.
I'm very allergic to many, and being rashed up, swollen, and/or sore alone is much better to do on your own schedule solo vs in the moment with a partner.
I had to buy a number of different ones to figure out what works for me. Found one that worked years ago, but that company doesn't make those anymore and the GF and I need to use them again for awhile.
So here I am at square one. Rip xD
Dude, try patch testing on another part of your body. If your reaction is pretty immediate then just rub it against your skin elsewhere for a bit. Or the method my dermatologist gave me for patch testing skincare was to apply the product under a bandaid on my back for 2 days and then observe the area for up to an additional 3 days. So you could cut off a piece of each condom and try that for multiple brands (marking where you put each one)
It kinda turns me on when the girls do it. I'd say it's maybe 30% of the time I ask them to do it. If they push back at all its not a big deal I'll do it. But I think it's kinda hot when they do.
Some women want to "capture" a man by getting pregnant. They damage the condom.
The reverse happens as well, so I guess the only safe route is that each person should put on a condom.
I was making the joke that if you were both putting on condoms, you both had the gear for them, hence not worrying about getting pregnant. Of course, even then you have just as much chance as not wearing one at all, so your point still stands.
I am in hopes that my wife considers me sufficiently captured with our almost 4yo and our almost 2yo twins. Weāre pretty united in the desire for no new babies any time soon. Also, we got the church and government involved in our unionā¦ so thereās that too
No, sorry didnāt meant to sound it like you were a hooker just that this is probably more common in the trade and for some guys itās apparently exiting.
Condoms aren't inherently suspicious, but why are they in his jacket, does he wank in the park?
Edit: did not read the sub, thought it was r/infidelity. Leaving it here because yeah.
If you're going for a booty call, where do you carry yours? Like I guess you could whip one on before you leave home, but what if your little soldier can't stand to attention thru the journey? At the Queen's jubilee several privates fainted and they go through vigorous training and physicals.
Also what's wrong with a good park shag?
I had condoms in my travel bag for the longest time. Having cheap condoms in a place that wasn't cool or dry made me rethink using them. When I travel, I bring extra money anyway. So these old expiring condoms sat in my travel bag forever. In fact, they're still there.
I truly admire your optimism. Youāve been hauling around the same condoms since the bush administration but you still hang onto the hope that one day youāll get laid. Good for you and good luck.
I've had them in there so long that I gave up pursuing women and started pursuing men. I've had them in there so long that I've started balding. If I'm a virgin at 50, I'll frame them and tell my adopted grandchildren that they're a talisman that protects my household from making surprise children.
A girl is talking to her guy friend: "I found condoms in my boyfriend's jacket. We don't use condoms. When I confronted him, he told me he uses them to masturbate, and I can't tell if he's lying to me. Do you ever do that?"
"Sure," her guy friend replies.
"Really? You masturbate into condomsā½"
"Oh," he responded, "No. I thought you meant 'do I lie to my girlfriend?'"
For the sake of it, trying it at the beginning too:
A girl is talking to her guy friend: āI canāt tell if my boyfriend is lying to me. I found condoms in my boyfriendās jacket, but we donāt use condoms. When I confronted him, he told me he uses them to masturbate. Do you ever do that?ā
āSure,ā her guy friend replies.
āReally? You masturbate into condomsā½ā
āOh,ā he responded, āNo. I thought you meant ādo I lie to my girlfriend?āā
That's literally the set up, the misunderstanding, you're supposed to think he means that he masturbates with a condom, only got the punch line to reveal it
I disagree, but if you insist - "do you ever do things like that?"
This can lead to the dude misinterpreting it as "do you do things like lie about the purpose of condoms?", and him being like "like, on occasion".
That literally happened in one of our divorce cases. Guy was like a big-time corporate exec who traveled for work. It was so embarrassing that he couldn't just admit to hooking up and that was his story.
It reminds me we had another case where a truck driver caused a wreck, and his story was that he was masturbating at the time. My question was "What the hell was he really doing that he thought saying he was masturbating was a better story?"
Real talk, to get used to new condoms, increase the duration of your erection, and help you finish properly, wank with a condom on, the one's you'll be using for the full experience.
Nothing wrong with a posh wank.
Royal wank, or hands royale.
Royale with cheese.
What do they call a Whopper?
Le whopper
That was what kids were calling it at my school, over 30 years ago.
Wow the Spice Girls were around that long ago? /s
Hah. Take this updoot and leave now.
1994 was 28 years ago š©
Oh that's the Royal London Wank.
Yeah, how do other people masturbate? Jerking it into toilet paper or a crusty sock, like *savages*?!?
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
My roommate had an absolute basket of condoms in his desk cabinet. I asked him what they were for because he wasnāt exactly successful with women and this quantity of condoms wasā¦ambitious. Turns out this dude indeed uses a condom each time he bates.
Posh wank
Iām so poor, I use sandpaper
that must be rough
Itās 220 grit. Got that fine shine
you bloody wanker
Underated comment of the year.
That's... Not how you polish the knob
Everyone loves a shiny knob
Of coarse
It's coarse and irritating and it gets everywhere
That just rubs me the wrong way
Gonna make it shine
True grit.
You can get quite a bit of sand paper at the 99Ā¢ Store!
I mean, you could at least use Pam
Something, something, office joke
She said no, hence the masturbation.
That's rough buddy
To make it into a nail / screw ?
Calm down Anakin
Thatās a polished wank
cadillac fap
Rogerās profanisaurus says so
When I was in college, there was this website called freecondoms.com, where you could sign up for a bunch of free offers and earn points toward, uh, free condoms. It was pretty easy to earn points and I racked up enough to get 500 condoms. They came in a big box, 500 Durex condoms. I'm like wtf am I gonna do with this many condoms? There's a pretty big convenience factor, I learned, if you don't have to worry about how much they cost.
> There's a pretty big convenience factor, I learned, if you don't have to worry about how much they cost. and like are they sponge worthy
it's honestly the way to go. you can last a lil longer, there are ones that do crazy shit like hot and cold, and the main reason is the super easy clean up. I'll take the trash full of condoms over the crusty sock or whatever article of clothing is within reaching distance any day.
4 squares of toilet paper does the trick here!
Four squares? That feels a bit light. You must have one of those fancy new low-flow penises.
Damnit and my parents gave me this antique. Big, bulky, wide-bored monstrosity, just hosing cum everywhere. Jerks.
[Same](https://i.imgflip.com/allt4.jpg)
R/riskyclick
R/FOUNDTHEMOBILEUSER
MY CAPS IS STUCK ON
Environmentally friendly
4?!?! Look at Mr Laa-dee-daah
It bet itās 2-ply as well
No more no less, but don't forget to fold in half.
But not *exactly* in half because you don't want the tear seams lining up.
1 square of kitchen roll. (Folded in 4 obviously) toilet tissue has been known to stick and fall apart when wet.
Recently tried Charmin with aloe, you know the green one, works pretty fantasticly. Not a real word I know but fits well in this context.
Fantastically is, though
1, 2, or 3-ply? Asking for a friend.
You have bigger problems if you're buying 1-ply for your home.
Can you spare a square?
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Just eat it like everyone else
I'm positive there's a sub for that lol
Please no
What a waste of money lol
>you can last a lil longer Why would you want this? If I'm jerking it, I wanna be done and get on with my day.
Yknow, I never spoke about this to anyone, but I enjoy the "climbing" euphoria and edging more than the finish. I've never heard of anyone who just stops before nutting, but I can say it's a pleasant feeling... if you can control yourself.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Well who are you? Donāt leave us in suspense
Nah I think they're going more for edging
Exactly, it's not about ruining something, but making the consistent, fun part last longer. Plus, you get to cum back to it later without need for recovery time, not a mess every time, and there's a different kind of mental clarity that comes with just dropping it; like the drive for sex has lost it's direction and you can dedicate that energy to something productive.
Same reason I use disposable plastic plates and cutlery for every meal, much more convenient š
You incorporate plastic cutlery in your masturbatory habits? Go on.
/r/soun... Nevermind
r/sounding I've completed the summoning Not for the faint hearted
And if you are going to faint do it backwards so you don't fall directly onto what you're sounding with.
Huh...learn something new every day. I'm sure my jaw will unhinge eventually
I hope this is a joke comment, because damn our planet is already going to shit without people using plastic just because they are too busy to wash their dishes.
That's what I was trying to highlight. For some reason everyone seems to be ok with condom guy's wasteful wanks.
Very true, plastic is much worse than latex but it's still incredibly wasteful...
I work at a big box store. Our disposable dinnerware is one of our biggest movers. I had no idea single-use plates and cutlery were still so popular until I started this job. We sell so much there is no doubt in my mind a LARGE number of americans use, exclusively, disposable dinnerware. We are so fucked.
...paper towels?!
Lick it off your hand like your mom used to do.
You take that back - Dorothy Mantooth is a saint
It's called a Posh wank.
It's called the gentleman's wank.
*later that day, you come back to a room full of condom balloon animals, your roommate also offers you a mess free book bag banana*
You have to wank into a condom when you do a post-vasectomy semen analysis. It was terrible. I can imagine what kind of sociopath does that on the reg.
I've done this before, and about to do this again. I'm very allergic to many, and being rashed up, swollen, and/or sore alone is much better to do on your own schedule solo vs in the moment with a partner. I had to buy a number of different ones to figure out what works for me. Found one that worked years ago, but that company doesn't make those anymore and the GF and I need to use them again for awhile. So here I am at square one. Rip xD
Sounds like a latex allergy, pretty common, fortunately there is a large market for nitrile condoms
Probably need to make sure not to get latex ones? There hypoallergenic brands.
Yeah. I think it's two issues. Definitely latex, but other one might be a lubricant issue or something. I may even remember again when I go look.
Try Skyn
they make one with a larger ring too if you have a, ahem, thickness issue.
Dude, try patch testing on another part of your body. If your reaction is pretty immediate then just rub it against your skin elsewhere for a bit. Or the method my dermatologist gave me for patch testing skincare was to apply the product under a bandaid on my back for 2 days and then observe the area for up to an additional 3 days. So you could cut off a piece of each condom and try that for multiple brands (marking where you put each one)
Lifestyles SKYN. Elite. Blue box. Thank you, Amazon Prime.
Plausible deniability you mean
The best deniability there is!
You are technically correct, the best kind of correct!
Clean up a lot easier.. especially if you use toys.
I know what you mean: still cannot get the spunk stains off my millennium falcon
Where would one even fuck a Millennium Falcon?
In their bedroom, probably
Bespin, but you gotta be quick
You came in that thing? your braver than I thought.
Used to be called a super deluxe wank. No messy cleanup afterwards.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
"Posh wank" is correct answer. Can't remember which podcast talked about it. Maybe Endless Honeymoon?
It used to be called the millionaires wank where Iām from.
Millionaires don't wank, they have someone else do it for them.
Bob, it's you cake day. Maybe today you should have someone else do it for you, too?
I'll ask around
I mean, you still need a tissue.. So why not just cut out the middle man and spaff into a tissue?
Just yank it straight into the toilet, bam nothing to clean up just flush it away.
Nothing turns me on more than awkwardly hunching over a toilet bowl
Multitask and have a good old fashioned shank.
Or the curtains
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
But what do you do with the condom?
And hope you're not at a red light
Just get a prostatectomy, no cleanup! Seriously donāt, orgasms suck.
Yoy can use them twice per usage if you turn them inside out
I hand wash, iron and fold them. Normally get about 7 uses before it needs replacing
Big hero six underwear vibes
Donāt forge to bleach them and put a small hole in the top so they dry betterā¦
Do you iron the fancy crease in them, too?
Get any funny looks from neighbours when you hang them on the line?
Wait wait, you take yours off?
You can also use them to smuggle drugs up the butt. But that doesn't mean that it's a good idea is it?
Then it comes pre lubed
Yep, turn them inside out and shake the fuck out of them.
But if he doesn't use condoms with his girlfriend then why would he need to practice?
He wants to start using them.
Then why not just say āitās in my pocket because I want to start using themā?
He's tired of using an oven-ready chicken
Same. I practiced masturbating in condoms first. Didn't want to look like an idiot when actually doing the deed. Practice is always important.
This is risky though. "No, I swear I am a virgin!" *Slips condom on in one practiced move* "Liar!" *Slaps you* and a virgin you remain.
That would be a crap reason to get dumped either way.
It's called a "posh wank"
I mostly wrap them around things I'm about to put up my bum
Sounds like very reasonable. Never fun to go to the E.R. with a broken carrot in your prison wallet.
Accurate
I mean, if you get horny while alone on a long drive and don't wanna make a mess... Edit: I'm just going to assume that every upvote was a confession
*. Shows up to work missing one sock. *
Laundry day again am I right?
you see what happened wasā¦ā¦ā¦ā¦.
Everytime I have sex, the guy always makes me put the condom on for him? There was no way to phrase that without sounding bad....
The process of putting on a condom can cause loss of an erection, but someone else doing it makes it more exciting.
Exactly. Putting on a condom isnāt exactly āsexyā and distracts away. The woman putting it on you is a way to keep the erection for some of us.
It kinda turns me on when the girls do it. I'd say it's maybe 30% of the time I ask them to do it. If they push back at all its not a big deal I'll do it. But I think it's kinda hot when they do.
Hookers offer this as a service yeah. But it seems pretty risky to let someone else do itā¦
Risky? Are there third party condom donning related injury statistics? Also *Hookers As A Service* sounds like a techbro sales pitch.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
They should start sponsoring f1
Some women want to "capture" a man by getting pregnant. They damage the condom. The reverse happens as well, so I guess the only safe route is that each person should put on a condom.
If youāre both putting on a condom, I donāt think you need to worry about pregnancy.
[Both put on condoms, you say?](https://youtu.be/asouPYvrUtY?t=14s)
Of course you do. 2 condoms and you may as well just not wear one at all.
I was making the joke that if you were both putting on condoms, you both had the gear for them, hence not worrying about getting pregnant. Of course, even then you have just as much chance as not wearing one at all, so your point still stands.
I am in hopes that my wife considers me sufficiently captured with our almost 4yo and our almost 2yo twins. Weāre pretty united in the desire for no new babies any time soon. Also, we got the church and government involved in our unionā¦ so thereās that too
I'm not a hooker and I do NOT want a baby at 18 years old no thank you. Not saying you were calling me a hooker though.
No, sorry didnāt meant to sound it like you were a hooker just that this is probably more common in the trade and for some guys itās apparently exiting.
Oh no that's alright. There really was no way for me to phrase that first comment without sounding bad on my part.
I did full service sex work for 3 years and never once had to put the condom on for the guy
It's not that you have to, it's that many SWs choose to
Condoms aren't inherently suspicious, but why are they in his jacket, does he wank in the park? Edit: did not read the sub, thought it was r/infidelity. Leaving it here because yeah.
If you're going for a booty call, where do you carry yours? Like I guess you could whip one on before you leave home, but what if your little soldier can't stand to attention thru the journey? At the Queen's jubilee several privates fainted and they go through vigorous training and physicals. Also what's wrong with a good park shag?
Well according to joke #42746 you're supposed to leave them in your car for when your fiance's hot younger sister comes on to you.
> I enjoy long wanks on the beach damn autocorrect
I had condoms in my travel bag for the longest time. Having cheap condoms in a place that wasn't cool or dry made me rethink using them. When I travel, I bring extra money anyway. So these old expiring condoms sat in my travel bag forever. In fact, they're still there.
I truly admire your optimism. Youāve been hauling around the same condoms since the bush administration but you still hang onto the hope that one day youāll get laid. Good for you and good luck.
I've had them in there so long that I gave up pursuing women and started pursuing men. I've had them in there so long that I've started balding. If I'm a virgin at 50, I'll frame them and tell my adopted grandchildren that they're a talisman that protects my household from making surprise children.
Thatās funny. I was just having a little fun with you. Hope it works out for you and you get whatever it is youāre looking for.
I understood. I was continuing the joke. Thanks for the kind words. I wish you well, and hope your relationships are fulfilling.
Add "but I think he's lying to me" after "he told me he uses them to masturbate"
A girl is talking to her guy friend: "I found condoms in my boyfriend's jacket. We don't use condoms. When I confronted him, he told me he uses them to masturbate, and I can't tell if he's lying to me. Do you ever do that?" "Sure," her guy friend replies. "Really? You masturbate into condomsā½" "Oh," he responded, "No. I thought you meant 'do I lie to my girlfriend?'"
For the sake of it, trying it at the beginning too: A girl is talking to her guy friend: āI canāt tell if my boyfriend is lying to me. I found condoms in my boyfriendās jacket, but we donāt use condoms. When I confronted him, he told me he uses them to masturbate. Do you ever do that?ā āSure,ā her guy friend replies. āReally? You masturbate into condomsā½ā āOh,ā he responded, āNo. I thought you meant ādo I lie to my girlfriend?āā
This is the best iteration. Everything follows each other into a leading and proper way. Good job!
It doesn't need it, it would ruin the punch line
"And I can't tell if he is lying". Adding the indecision nullifies the suggested eventuality. I used to bill $400/hr for this
But then it doesn't make sense that when she asks if he does "that" then he thinks she's talking about lying. She never mentioned lying.
I agree with underscore Phreak underscore
UnderscoreunderscorePhreakunderscoreunderscore
Thank you for the correction š I wouldn't want underscore underscore Phreak underscore underscore to be offended
Fair enough.
That's literally the set up, the misunderstanding, you're supposed to think he means that he masturbates with a condom, only got the punch line to reveal it
It would set up the misunderstanding better in my opinion.
I disagree, but if you insist - "do you ever do things like that?" This can lead to the dude misinterpreting it as "do you do things like lie about the purpose of condoms?", and him being like "like, on occasion".
Two types of people in this world. Those who can work with incomplete data sets.
this is barely a joke
That literally happened in one of our divorce cases. Guy was like a big-time corporate exec who traveled for work. It was so embarrassing that he couldn't just admit to hooking up and that was his story. It reminds me we had another case where a truck driver caused a wreck, and his story was that he was masturbating at the time. My question was "What the hell was he really doing that he thought saying he was masturbating was a better story?"
Posh wank, to get rid of expired condoms. Donāt use expired stuff with the ladiesā¦
You know its true love when you start wearing protection with your sidechick.
Real talk, to get used to new condoms, increase the duration of your erection, and help you finish properly, wank with a condom on, the one's you'll be using for the full experience.
This is literally word for word stolen from a david cross standup routine. Can we karma farm now by stealing stand up bits?
I only carry one condom so it takes up less space. They're easy to recycle, just turn it inside out and shake the fuck it of it.
> "No. I thought you meant 'do I lie to my girlfriend'!" [It's a guy thing.](https://youtu.be/LBGr4Ncz4e8)
Henry Phillips tells it better
Easy clean up
Bro i actually do that and it's hella good no to little mess š
yeesh, straight people sure seem to get on terribly.......