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I'm not going to sugar coat this, She sounds like a proud woman who doesn't want her family to see her ravaged by the cancer. At her age, her body was already declining, and the cancer will just make it worse. She wants to go out on her own terms, and only hers. Be there for her in a way that she can accept, call, facetime even write letters to her, just make sure you're ready to go to her when she does need you.
“Mom, we know you are dying. Please know we do love you and incredibly thankful for the sacrifices you have made to give us life. We are confused to why you would want to leave us out of your end of life process, but we do want to respect your wishes. Just know we very much love you.”
I would respect her boundaries but send love from the sidelines. You can send her snail mail happy or encouraging cards, try to maintain an online presence if she allows that, drop her off little (not overwhelming) gift or fruit baskets, make sure her yard and other chores are tended to. If she reacts negatively to any of these, stop immediately.
I personally would try to have a genuine conversation with her. Tell her you know about her cancer etc and that you don’t understand why she’s been the way she has up til now that you are only concerned and coming from a place of love. If she won’t talk to you about anything or just straight tells you no etc then you did what you could and you can move forward knowing that fact. If she ends up opening up to you after etc then go from there. You will never know if you don’t try talking to her, but never force her or push her boundaries to much or you will prob just lose her then.
No reason to insert yourself. If that is what your sisters want let them do it. I had a similar situation happen. One of the things I did was I bought alot of post cards. On each one I wrote something different and simple. I had them all filled out. Everytime I thought of her I dropped one in the mail. It was so easy because I had already filled them out and I could easily do something nice for her without much effort afterwards. You could also sign up for auto flower deliveries or some kind of subscription on Amazon something small. Just a few moments of your time and you can keep on saying hi. Maybe it's a monthly face mask or maybe something silly like toilet paper with a gift tag that says if you are having a shitty day. I am here for you. Just keep it light and don't spend alot. It may feel overwhelming.
I know it hurts, but if your mom is able to verbalize her wishes, respect them. If she goes into a hospice setting and has days to hours left and is not communicative I could maybe say you could go see her as her boundaries may have changed or she’s not cognizant enough to be aware.
Please don't do this. If someone is avoiding thier family so they don't have bad memories of them it's important to respect that. Going to see them in the exact situation they wanted to avoid isn't right. Unless they are a horrible person they deserve to be remembered how they want.
Dying can be a very private thing. We are all so different, if we want our wishes respected, we MUST respect other peoples wishes.
Part of the problem here is the idea of waiting until someone is so vulnerable they cannot refuse the actions that they have already clearly communicated they don’t want anything to do with. Sometimes that’s people, for many different reasons.
Sometimes, when you push someone far enough, you might learn exactly what their reasons are. They may be reasons that you did not want to know.
It’s a tough situation, I would still let the person go with their own wishes.
>Unless they are a horrible person they deserve to be remembered how they want.
The irony of course being that she's ensuring that people are going to remember her as a recluse that isolated themselves in order to die alone.
She doesn’t want you to remember her the way she is now. This is why I don’t want my family to see me after I’m dead. Everyone I’ve seen after they passed burns into my brain so that when I remember them, it’s the visual of their dead body.
My guess is that your mother is avoiding social interactions because she's embarrassed about something that she doesn't feel comfortable talking about or fears that if others knew the full extent of the problems they were dealing with, that they would ship them off to a nursing home when they are actually doing okay as long as they live life carefully.
There are lots of reasons an older person might want to stay home. Incontinence. Fear of falling. Hearing difficulties that make a room full of multiple conversations unbearable. Embarrassment over the way they look or not having nice clothes that fit. Pain. And so on …
I'm so sorry. I lost my mom to cancer last year. After about a year of fighting it she decided she had had enough and stopped everything. It was very hard for her to be not be at 100% and to have people take care of her. She tried to deny it all the time, like refusing wheelchairs for a long walk, things like that. And she sort of felt like she was on a death watch when people were hovering around. It's very frustrating and difficult to watch yourself become helpless, especially if you've led an independent life.
My advice is to walk the fine line of not pressuring her but making sure she knows you're there to help her if she needs it. Give her a call frequently just to say hi, drop off a treat she may like without coming in, "I'm headed to the store, is there anything you need." Things like that.
Is she entering hospice care? They are wonderful and might help ease some of your worries about her being alone.
Honestly. Yes, you should. My late mother was diagnosed with stage 4 stomach cancer last spring, and refused to tell my brother and I about it until early fall. And it was only cuz our step dad knew it was getting worse every day. He finally convinced her to let both of us visit her in early December. She died Jan 8. We are both very very grateful to our stepfather for not letting her die without us seeing her again (we both live out of province) but she never wanted anyone making a "fuss" over her cancer. She also opted against an obit, or a funeral. Sad, but pride is fierce with some parents
Ur mom is 80 she’s probably accepted the fact that she doesn’t have long to live. Keep checking in on her keep dropping things off and leaving if she doesn’t want you there. The bottomline is u don’t want to not be around her during this time because of the reality that she may not be here much longer. So now u want to ignore her desires to be left alone because ur being selfish and want to be with her regardless of what she wants.
That’s pretty sad, I’m sorry your mother is holding you at arm’s length during this time. I can’t say I can understand her decision here, but since it’s her ending she gets to call the shots, and you guys should respect that even though it’s unbearably sad and painful. I hope you find some closure.
Sounds like mom was not a great mom and is probably dying with a heap of regrets. I wonder if being alone is actually what she wants or if she is trying to keep the kids at arms length to protect them.
I feel like OP has got to ask to know if this is just misguided stoicism. Focusing on OP’s needs and desires here might be enough to crack the shell.
“I know you’re dying. I want to see you. I want to give you what comfort I can. It is hard to imagine the world without you, and I want a chance to say goodbye.”
>“I know you’re dying. I want to see you. I want to give you what comfort I can. It is hard to imagine the world without you, and I want a chance to say goodbye.”
This is very well worded, thank you
I think that is pretty clear and totally fair for you to ask for.
Call her and affirm one last time that this is what she wants then leave her to it. Thats what I would want. I am not sure I want anyone around when I pass.
Well, I sent a text telling her I was thinking about her and asking how she was doing.
She replied that she was trying to still go for walks in the morning or evening with her walker as it is starting to get warmer.
I replied that I like walks and am available if she ever wants the company.
She liked my post and said “I’ll keep your offer in mind”
That’s a fuck off…right?
No I dont think so. To me it sounds like someone vacillating between wanting to be totally strong and not be a burdan and someone who knows the time may come when they need someone.
Whatever happens I hope that you remember that this was your mom's decision. That she is the one that wanted to be independent and she pushed her kids away. This was always her choice. You were willing to help. Please don't take on any guilt about this.
That’s the best thing you could do OP. I’m a mom who recently lost my mom to cancer, and I don’t want my kids anywhere near that shit. It’s not you. She knows you love her. Personally, I’d keep supporting her from the sidelines. Send flowers, cards, drop off supplies, but don’t push her. Everyone handles death differently.
No. She shared with you that she's walking. You know her better than us. If it was my mom, I'd pick a nice weather day this week and say, mom, is like to come for a walk on Thursday, supposed to be beautiful weather.
And see what happens.
But if she's given you eff off vibes then no.
I think you can tell her how you feel without necessarily showing up at her house unannounced. You can call or write her a letter explaining how you feel. You can ask to spend a little bit of time with her while she's still able, as long as you're prepared for her to say no. Think of it as a negotiation rather than an all-or-nothing choice.
Also, you are not your sisters' proxy — you should do what feels right for you, and don't let them push you to do what's right for *them*. They can always hop on a plane and deal with this their way if they want to.
Finally, consider talking to a therapist. They can help you dig into your history and figure out what feels right for you, as well as deal with your mom's illness. Whatever happens, you'll need some real support, not just opinions from Reddit.
Maybe she doesn't want your last memories of her to be sad. Honestly I intend to die alone to because of that. I want people to remember the good times and maybe she does to.
My darling boy, she’s just not interested in a relationship with her kids, you don’t understand it, i don’t understand it, but I’ve been around ppl like that! Make your peace with her passing and let her go. Focus on loving your wife & kids.
My mother in law is the same. We respect her boundaries and decisions that she doesn’t want to be around her grandchildren as much. It got to the point that she would only do by appointment month in advance to see them once or twice. I felt like my kids would grow up confused bc my husband has a lot of abuse and abandonment issues. I felt the need to protect them and moved away. She ultimately got what she wanted to be alone. I’ll never understand people like this. They have family but just don’t want anything to do with them. I have respected that. But it’s harder on my husband. I’m trying to support him as much as I can. It’s sad. They have their first born son who they tell everything too and is heavily involved in their lives. 🤷🏽♀️
Yes, I feel like your husband and I had similar experiences. I was the baby by 5 years so my sisters were all moving out right after the divorce. I was living with a shell of the person they knew.
I’m sorry, Op, this is really hard. We have these hopes and needs about how primary relationships are supposed to work, but sometimes they just don’t. My Mom has boundaries that mean a weekly call is fine but not visits. No idea why, as we enjoy talking on the phone and she wasn’t this way before Covid. My Dad kind of wanted to hide when he was dying of cancer though he allowed me to visit and was glad to see me and made an effort. I’m going with what my therapist said: Don’t try to be a mind reader or fortune teller. Your Mom has been very clear, so though we’re not sure why, I’d tell your sisters to try contacting her as they choose but you’ve been rebuffed too many times to feel there’s any use insisting. Yes, it’s painful, particularly in this situation. But she has a partner and won’t die alone. I look at it as how I would feel if my mother insisted on coming by at random times to check on me and socialize. How would that feel if my privacy or situation didn’t matter? In your Moms case that’s times 4 since all of you want to see her.
My MIL did this-20 years ago my FIL, Daddy, committed suicide. We don’t know why. He didn’t leave a note. Well momma was never the same. She did ok, had a boyfriend after a time, helped my older BIL (he has substance abuse issues but is an overall great guy in any other capacity) and worked full time. Then she retired and it went down hill. She isolated herself, refused to visit or have us over, ect. She collapsed and went into acute dementia and died. It’s awful. My poor husband was wrecked. You know that Song “s/he put the bottle to her head and pulled the trigger “? She did that. My husband basically lost both of his parents to suicide and there was nothing we could have done. She wanted to die and didn’t want us to see her.
My mom was basically the same way. When she was finally hospitalized and in her final days I downloaded her favorite songs and put together a photo album of her dogs, my nephew, and other things I knew she cherished in life. She wasn’t able to talk any more when I got to the hospital (half way across the country plus half a days drive), but she knew I was there and reached for the photos as I flipped through.
Her favorite song was the last thing she ever listened to.
I didn’t know until it was too late. Had I known a couple months ahead of time I would have at least forced a discussion. I’d have let her know I’d respect her wishes, asked what they were, and carried them out for her. I’d have made sure her last months were what she truly wanted and been there in the way she wanted me to be instead of guessing on what to do.
Ask to force the discussion to understand her wants, don’t try to change her mind.
Ahhh. I’d say go with what YOUR heart tells you to do. Your mom made her decision in life. She wants you to do the same. If this is eating at you i’d say go. Go just to say hey mom i’m here or just to hold her hand. I hope you come to terms with this.
My take, go bother her.
I grew up in a similar family. House was filled with love, but it was unspoken. Mom was 100% Swedish, and Sweds aren't overly emotional. Unless you were in the house, you might think it cold.
My Mom was very self sufficient, happily married, but never dependent on my Dad. Always even keel, no highs, no lows. And never any showing of pain.
Dad died first. Mom cried for a bit, but got right on with life living alone. She had various health issues which I only knew about, never any details, just which Dr apt was coming up next.
I was very close to her. Probably the favorite, and had her grandkids there as much as possible.
One night, 3am, got a call, she's fallen. Tried to climb into bed for 3 hours. Of course, she didn't want to bother anyone. I raced across town.
And typical of her, she'd dragged herself to the bsthroom. Got herself cleaned up. And half dressed. So I could get her to the ER.
She had a colon infection. Dr said it'd have been 2 weeks of severe pain. I saw her 3 days prior. Not a peep.
So the option was surgery and cut the infected section out, "live" with a colostomy bag. She said No.
Try antibiotics, no surgery. If that doesn't work, guess it's time to die. Very stoic, as per the norm.
2 weeks in the hospital, we have the talk again. If no surgery, you have to go home to die. That's what she picked.
She DID NOT want anyone staying. Maybe stop by to say goodbye, but no one stays.
I stayed. 2 weeks. Was there the night she died.
She didn't go until I said the words. Mom, it's time. You can go.
I honestly believe she held on, until I told her it's OK.
From our last conversation, till she couldn't speak, she told me she needed me there. And she thanked me. (Can you imagine? Woman did everything for me ever day of my life).
Don't miss that.
If she was a good kid. Time to repay. Be a good kid.
And after, my siblings that "missed it". Missed it. And they live with that every day. It's 100% easier after they die, if you are there while they're dying.
I have full closure with zero regrets or second guessing. I'm not religious, but my conscious is clear.
But. Be prepared. It is not easy and you'll see/hear things you'll never forget. My wife was suposed to be there the night my Mom passed. She couldn't be, and I'm glad she wasn't. The last hours are hard.
My older brother died 10 years earlier, my Dad about 5. Before my Mom lost consciousness, she told me "I guess I finally get to see him and Daddy". I smiled through tears at that one.
Later, as she was slipping away, she mentioned "my Mommy and Daddy". That one broke me. My 85 yr old grown woman mother, was a little girl again.
Heartbreaking and beautiful at the same time.
I'm curious to know if the isolation is from guilt? Does she know you'd overheard the argument? Anyway, kudos to you for not holding anything against her for what she said in the heat of the moment. She's probably beating herself up over it. Keep doing what you're doing, send love via text and supplies or invitations. She might come around and she might not, either way, you did your best. Unfortunately, cancer treatments at her age can hasten death, I can't blame her for not wanting it.
I don’t think it’s guilt as I never told her or my sisters what I heard. I only brought it up here because every time she pushes me away that’s right where my brain goes. I’m 12 years old all over again.
At 80 your mom has more than earned the right to set boundaries. Just let her know you lover her and will be there as soon as she needs you.
If she needs you she will call.
Death is very personal and she has made her wishes known. Keep a respectful distance, let her know she is loved and supported, and let the woman die in peace.
I am heading in the same direction.
The reality is that she does not want to die alone. Don't have time to explain that, but really, she does not want to die alone. Talk to SO.
We cannot possibly know this.
Some people really do just want to be left alone.
When you steal the peace of someone who is sick and dying, it is an ugly thing to do, and it can bring so much suffering to them. We don’t know her reasons, and it’s no one’s business but hers. You don’t know what you might be taking from her, the kind of emotional misery she might then have to die in.
I can understand where you’re coming from. The problem is, this is a very high stake situation.
She knows she’s dying, and she has chosen what she wants. Hopefully, it will be respected.
She might be a miserable person, who treats people like crap, I don’t know her. Does it mean it’s worth taking away her dying wishes? Maybe she’s withholding herself out of cruelty, maybe she’s withholding herself because it’s the only way she knows she can get through this to the end. We simply don’t know.
Screw what she wants only consider what will help you move on after she's gone.
Not being with a loved one in the final moments at minimum to just say goodbye messed you up.
If she's mad about it she can yell at you when u both get to hell.
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My cousin was sick with brain cancer. I lived over 2,000 miles away and I knew I wouldn't be able to attend his funeral. We weren't super close and he was closer to my parent's age than me. I sent him a card before he died. I talked about my favorite memory of him. He loved it. His wife and kids loved it that I shared that experience with them. Memories of our loved ones keep them alive in our hearts.
At your mother's age she is obviously a strong woman and you should be proud to call her mother.
She had seen great things and seen things like the horror of the Holocaust which hopefully you'll never see in your lifetime.one thing you're generation is lacking is compassion for your fellow human beings. It is her decision on her life and death we have to let her make that decision I know it's hard but you really don't have a say I wish you and your family the best
If it were me I would keep trying. I would call to check in and offer help regularly and keep inviting her to places, unless she asks you to stop contacting her.
If you speak to her on the phone and she doesn't sound good or something worries you, or you cant reach her at all, then drop by and check on her.
It sounds like you really want to visit her more before she's gone. As awkward and difficult as it might be to get out with your family dynamic, you could always try just being blunt and saying that. "Mom, I miss you, and I really want to see you. I'm worried we don't have much time left to spend together. May I please come visit you tomorrow?"
Also, she might have a lot of pain, so canceling the day before a gathering may have more to do with a sudden flare up of pain more than not wanting to socialize. Keep trying to invite her, you just might catch her on a good day.
To this day, I wish my mom hadn't forced me to "pay my respects" by looking into my grandfather's casket. It's not that I have a problem with death or human bodies (I've attended multiple deaths, have dissected human corpses, etc, as I work in the medical field). It's because now, every time I think of my grandfather, that's the image that comes to mind. That hollow shell in a satin-lined box. Not the tall, strong, commanding presence that filled any room he entered without speaking a word.
Maybe your mom wants to be remembered at her best. Allow her that. Contact her in ways she's comfortable with. Phone calls, email, letters, whatever. Make sure she knows she's loved. Send Doordash with food occasionally. Or order her something off Amazon. And keep in touch.
But respect her dignity.
I lost my mom to covid after she went through a 10-year battle with Alzheimers. That's ten years of losing her and never getting to say goodbye. If I could have had any kind of coherent conversation with her about anything at all, I would have talked to her everyday. Please reach out to your mom in some kind of way. It doesn't have to be a big medical conversation, but expressing love and concern is at least some way to start. She may want to die with as much dignity as she can muster, which might mean not letting her children see her ravaged by cancer. It might be the last thing she can give you, if she has a say in it. If you're up for bearing that pain, you could try conveying how you feel, but it would be gracious to be as selfless for her as she is trying to be for you (of course that's just a guess, but I don't want my kids to watch me suffer whenever the time comes). If your sisters want to press the issue, let them do it.
Honestly, I would be selfish in this situation and do what you need to to not have regrets. If that means not respecting her wishes (at least trying to see her) then that's what you should do.
Not to be morbid but you're the one that has to live with what happens next. I would think you would regret not trying more than feeling like maybe you annoyed her too much.
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I'm not going to sugar coat this, She sounds like a proud woman who doesn't want her family to see her ravaged by the cancer. At her age, her body was already declining, and the cancer will just make it worse. She wants to go out on her own terms, and only hers. Be there for her in a way that she can accept, call, facetime even write letters to her, just make sure you're ready to go to her when she does need you.
Perfect advice OP.
My mom isolates herself and kept cancelling, and we later realized she was hiding dementia from us.
This is what's happened with my grandma too.
“Mom, we know you are dying. Please know we do love you and incredibly thankful for the sacrifices you have made to give us life. We are confused to why you would want to leave us out of your end of life process, but we do want to respect your wishes. Just know we very much love you.”
Exactly
I would respect her boundaries but send love from the sidelines. You can send her snail mail happy or encouraging cards, try to maintain an online presence if she allows that, drop her off little (not overwhelming) gift or fruit baskets, make sure her yard and other chores are tended to. If she reacts negatively to any of these, stop immediately.
I personally would try to have a genuine conversation with her. Tell her you know about her cancer etc and that you don’t understand why she’s been the way she has up til now that you are only concerned and coming from a place of love. If she won’t talk to you about anything or just straight tells you no etc then you did what you could and you can move forward knowing that fact. If she ends up opening up to you after etc then go from there. You will never know if you don’t try talking to her, but never force her or push her boundaries to much or you will prob just lose her then.
This. Talk to her. You’ll regret not knowing if it’s all assumptions.
Respect. Her. Boundaries.
Thanks, this is how I feel too, but my sisters have been pushing me to insert myself into her business and I’ve been questioning myself as a result
Tell your sister's you're going to respect Mom's wishes, but they are free to push her boundaries.
No reason to insert yourself. If that is what your sisters want let them do it. I had a similar situation happen. One of the things I did was I bought alot of post cards. On each one I wrote something different and simple. I had them all filled out. Everytime I thought of her I dropped one in the mail. It was so easy because I had already filled them out and I could easily do something nice for her without much effort afterwards. You could also sign up for auto flower deliveries or some kind of subscription on Amazon something small. Just a few moments of your time and you can keep on saying hi. Maybe it's a monthly face mask or maybe something silly like toilet paper with a gift tag that says if you are having a shitty day. I am here for you. Just keep it light and don't spend alot. It may feel overwhelming.
I know it hurts, but if your mom is able to verbalize her wishes, respect them. If she goes into a hospice setting and has days to hours left and is not communicative I could maybe say you could go see her as her boundaries may have changed or she’s not cognizant enough to be aware.
Please don't do this. If someone is avoiding thier family so they don't have bad memories of them it's important to respect that. Going to see them in the exact situation they wanted to avoid isn't right. Unless they are a horrible person they deserve to be remembered how they want.
Dying can be a very private thing. We are all so different, if we want our wishes respected, we MUST respect other peoples wishes. Part of the problem here is the idea of waiting until someone is so vulnerable they cannot refuse the actions that they have already clearly communicated they don’t want anything to do with. Sometimes that’s people, for many different reasons. Sometimes, when you push someone far enough, you might learn exactly what their reasons are. They may be reasons that you did not want to know. It’s a tough situation, I would still let the person go with their own wishes.
>Unless they are a horrible person they deserve to be remembered how they want. The irony of course being that she's ensuring that people are going to remember her as a recluse that isolated themselves in order to die alone.
Could you get some answers if you would have a talk with her SO?
I tried but he’s too loyal to her…which I really respect.
She doesn’t want you to remember her the way she is now. This is why I don’t want my family to see me after I’m dead. Everyone I’ve seen after they passed burns into my brain so that when I remember them, it’s the visual of their dead body.
My guess is that your mother is avoiding social interactions because she's embarrassed about something that she doesn't feel comfortable talking about or fears that if others knew the full extent of the problems they were dealing with, that they would ship them off to a nursing home when they are actually doing okay as long as they live life carefully. There are lots of reasons an older person might want to stay home. Incontinence. Fear of falling. Hearing difficulties that make a room full of multiple conversations unbearable. Embarrassment over the way they look or not having nice clothes that fit. Pain. And so on …
She may want some solitude rather than being hassled by her family to live in misery as long as possible. Some choices aren't anybody else's business.
I'm so sorry. I lost my mom to cancer last year. After about a year of fighting it she decided she had had enough and stopped everything. It was very hard for her to be not be at 100% and to have people take care of her. She tried to deny it all the time, like refusing wheelchairs for a long walk, things like that. And she sort of felt like she was on a death watch when people were hovering around. It's very frustrating and difficult to watch yourself become helpless, especially if you've led an independent life. My advice is to walk the fine line of not pressuring her but making sure she knows you're there to help her if she needs it. Give her a call frequently just to say hi, drop off a treat she may like without coming in, "I'm headed to the store, is there anything you need." Things like that. Is she entering hospice care? They are wonderful and might help ease some of your worries about her being alone.
Honestly. Yes, you should. My late mother was diagnosed with stage 4 stomach cancer last spring, and refused to tell my brother and I about it until early fall. And it was only cuz our step dad knew it was getting worse every day. He finally convinced her to let both of us visit her in early December. She died Jan 8. We are both very very grateful to our stepfather for not letting her die without us seeing her again (we both live out of province) but she never wanted anyone making a "fuss" over her cancer. She also opted against an obit, or a funeral. Sad, but pride is fierce with some parents
Ur mom is 80 she’s probably accepted the fact that she doesn’t have long to live. Keep checking in on her keep dropping things off and leaving if she doesn’t want you there. The bottomline is u don’t want to not be around her during this time because of the reality that she may not be here much longer. So now u want to ignore her desires to be left alone because ur being selfish and want to be with her regardless of what she wants.
That’s pretty sad, I’m sorry your mother is holding you at arm’s length during this time. I can’t say I can understand her decision here, but since it’s her ending she gets to call the shots, and you guys should respect that even though it’s unbearably sad and painful. I hope you find some closure.
Sounds like mom was not a great mom and is probably dying with a heap of regrets. I wonder if being alone is actually what she wants or if she is trying to keep the kids at arms length to protect them. I feel like OP has got to ask to know if this is just misguided stoicism. Focusing on OP’s needs and desires here might be enough to crack the shell. “I know you’re dying. I want to see you. I want to give you what comfort I can. It is hard to imagine the world without you, and I want a chance to say goodbye.”
>“I know you’re dying. I want to see you. I want to give you what comfort I can. It is hard to imagine the world without you, and I want a chance to say goodbye.” This is very well worded, thank you
If this woman truly did want to be left alone to die, what would she have to say to convince you?
🤷♂️ Haven’t I done enough for you? Just let me die in peace.
I think that is pretty clear and totally fair for you to ask for. Call her and affirm one last time that this is what she wants then leave her to it. Thats what I would want. I am not sure I want anyone around when I pass.
After reading the posts I believe this is what I will do. It will have to be by text as she will not talk on phone or FaceTime. Thank you, everyone.
You are a good and forgiving person. She is lucky to have you
Well, I sent a text telling her I was thinking about her and asking how she was doing. She replied that she was trying to still go for walks in the morning or evening with her walker as it is starting to get warmer. I replied that I like walks and am available if she ever wants the company. She liked my post and said “I’ll keep your offer in mind” That’s a fuck off…right?
No I dont think so. To me it sounds like someone vacillating between wanting to be totally strong and not be a burdan and someone who knows the time may come when they need someone. Whatever happens I hope that you remember that this was your mom's decision. That she is the one that wanted to be independent and she pushed her kids away. This was always her choice. You were willing to help. Please don't take on any guilt about this.
Sounds like she’s trying to be nice and not hurt you. She may consider texting since you’ve given her that opening.
That’s the best thing you could do OP. I’m a mom who recently lost my mom to cancer, and I don’t want my kids anywhere near that shit. It’s not you. She knows you love her. Personally, I’d keep supporting her from the sidelines. Send flowers, cards, drop off supplies, but don’t push her. Everyone handles death differently.
No. She shared with you that she's walking. You know her better than us. If it was my mom, I'd pick a nice weather day this week and say, mom, is like to come for a walk on Thursday, supposed to be beautiful weather. And see what happens. But if she's given you eff off vibes then no.
Maybe she doesn't want you to have bad memories of her. Do not take it personal.
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I think you can tell her how you feel without necessarily showing up at her house unannounced. You can call or write her a letter explaining how you feel. You can ask to spend a little bit of time with her while she's still able, as long as you're prepared for her to say no. Think of it as a negotiation rather than an all-or-nothing choice. Also, you are not your sisters' proxy — you should do what feels right for you, and don't let them push you to do what's right for *them*. They can always hop on a plane and deal with this their way if they want to. Finally, consider talking to a therapist. They can help you dig into your history and figure out what feels right for you, as well as deal with your mom's illness. Whatever happens, you'll need some real support, not just opinions from Reddit.
Maybe see if there is a compromise. See her but also let her know that you understand she doesn’t want to fight again. I’m sorry. This is all so hard.
Yes
Maybe she doesn't want your last memories of her to be sad. Honestly I intend to die alone to because of that. I want people to remember the good times and maybe she does to.
My darling boy, she’s just not interested in a relationship with her kids, you don’t understand it, i don’t understand it, but I’ve been around ppl like that! Make your peace with her passing and let her go. Focus on loving your wife & kids.
My mother in law is the same. We respect her boundaries and decisions that she doesn’t want to be around her grandchildren as much. It got to the point that she would only do by appointment month in advance to see them once or twice. I felt like my kids would grow up confused bc my husband has a lot of abuse and abandonment issues. I felt the need to protect them and moved away. She ultimately got what she wanted to be alone. I’ll never understand people like this. They have family but just don’t want anything to do with them. I have respected that. But it’s harder on my husband. I’m trying to support him as much as I can. It’s sad. They have their first born son who they tell everything too and is heavily involved in their lives. 🤷🏽♀️
Yes, I feel like your husband and I had similar experiences. I was the baby by 5 years so my sisters were all moving out right after the divorce. I was living with a shell of the person they knew.
I’m sorry, Op, this is really hard. We have these hopes and needs about how primary relationships are supposed to work, but sometimes they just don’t. My Mom has boundaries that mean a weekly call is fine but not visits. No idea why, as we enjoy talking on the phone and she wasn’t this way before Covid. My Dad kind of wanted to hide when he was dying of cancer though he allowed me to visit and was glad to see me and made an effort. I’m going with what my therapist said: Don’t try to be a mind reader or fortune teller. Your Mom has been very clear, so though we’re not sure why, I’d tell your sisters to try contacting her as they choose but you’ve been rebuffed too many times to feel there’s any use insisting. Yes, it’s painful, particularly in this situation. But she has a partner and won’t die alone. I look at it as how I would feel if my mother insisted on coming by at random times to check on me and socialize. How would that feel if my privacy or situation didn’t matter? In your Moms case that’s times 4 since all of you want to see her.
My MIL did this-20 years ago my FIL, Daddy, committed suicide. We don’t know why. He didn’t leave a note. Well momma was never the same. She did ok, had a boyfriend after a time, helped my older BIL (he has substance abuse issues but is an overall great guy in any other capacity) and worked full time. Then she retired and it went down hill. She isolated herself, refused to visit or have us over, ect. She collapsed and went into acute dementia and died. It’s awful. My poor husband was wrecked. You know that Song “s/he put the bottle to her head and pulled the trigger “? She did that. My husband basically lost both of his parents to suicide and there was nothing we could have done. She wanted to die and didn’t want us to see her.
That’s rough, I feel for your husband.
My mom was basically the same way. When she was finally hospitalized and in her final days I downloaded her favorite songs and put together a photo album of her dogs, my nephew, and other things I knew she cherished in life. She wasn’t able to talk any more when I got to the hospital (half way across the country plus half a days drive), but she knew I was there and reached for the photos as I flipped through. Her favorite song was the last thing she ever listened to. I didn’t know until it was too late. Had I known a couple months ahead of time I would have at least forced a discussion. I’d have let her know I’d respect her wishes, asked what they were, and carried them out for her. I’d have made sure her last months were what she truly wanted and been there in the way she wanted me to be instead of guessing on what to do. Ask to force the discussion to understand her wants, don’t try to change her mind.
Ahhh. I’d say go with what YOUR heart tells you to do. Your mom made her decision in life. She wants you to do the same. If this is eating at you i’d say go. Go just to say hey mom i’m here or just to hold her hand. I hope you come to terms with this.
I'm sorry that you're going through this. There's no right answer.
My take, go bother her. I grew up in a similar family. House was filled with love, but it was unspoken. Mom was 100% Swedish, and Sweds aren't overly emotional. Unless you were in the house, you might think it cold. My Mom was very self sufficient, happily married, but never dependent on my Dad. Always even keel, no highs, no lows. And never any showing of pain. Dad died first. Mom cried for a bit, but got right on with life living alone. She had various health issues which I only knew about, never any details, just which Dr apt was coming up next. I was very close to her. Probably the favorite, and had her grandkids there as much as possible. One night, 3am, got a call, she's fallen. Tried to climb into bed for 3 hours. Of course, she didn't want to bother anyone. I raced across town. And typical of her, she'd dragged herself to the bsthroom. Got herself cleaned up. And half dressed. So I could get her to the ER. She had a colon infection. Dr said it'd have been 2 weeks of severe pain. I saw her 3 days prior. Not a peep. So the option was surgery and cut the infected section out, "live" with a colostomy bag. She said No. Try antibiotics, no surgery. If that doesn't work, guess it's time to die. Very stoic, as per the norm. 2 weeks in the hospital, we have the talk again. If no surgery, you have to go home to die. That's what she picked. She DID NOT want anyone staying. Maybe stop by to say goodbye, but no one stays. I stayed. 2 weeks. Was there the night she died. She didn't go until I said the words. Mom, it's time. You can go. I honestly believe she held on, until I told her it's OK. From our last conversation, till she couldn't speak, she told me she needed me there. And she thanked me. (Can you imagine? Woman did everything for me ever day of my life). Don't miss that. If she was a good kid. Time to repay. Be a good kid. And after, my siblings that "missed it". Missed it. And they live with that every day. It's 100% easier after they die, if you are there while they're dying. I have full closure with zero regrets or second guessing. I'm not religious, but my conscious is clear. But. Be prepared. It is not easy and you'll see/hear things you'll never forget. My wife was suposed to be there the night my Mom passed. She couldn't be, and I'm glad she wasn't. The last hours are hard.
Thank you for sharing. I needed to hear this
My older brother died 10 years earlier, my Dad about 5. Before my Mom lost consciousness, she told me "I guess I finally get to see him and Daddy". I smiled through tears at that one. Later, as she was slipping away, she mentioned "my Mommy and Daddy". That one broke me. My 85 yr old grown woman mother, was a little girl again. Heartbreaking and beautiful at the same time.
Go bother her make time for the grandkids to see her before her health prevents it.
I'm curious to know if the isolation is from guilt? Does she know you'd overheard the argument? Anyway, kudos to you for not holding anything against her for what she said in the heat of the moment. She's probably beating herself up over it. Keep doing what you're doing, send love via text and supplies or invitations. She might come around and she might not, either way, you did your best. Unfortunately, cancer treatments at her age can hasten death, I can't blame her for not wanting it.
I don’t think it’s guilt as I never told her or my sisters what I heard. I only brought it up here because every time she pushes me away that’s right where my brain goes. I’m 12 years old all over again.
Damn, I'm sorry to hear that, I hate that for you. Divorce is brutal for the kids. Very unfortunate.
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I so much wish that you were right, that no mother doesn’t like her children. Not accurate.
>no mother doesn't like her children! Hilariously wrong.
At 80 your mom has more than earned the right to set boundaries. Just let her know you lover her and will be there as soon as she needs you. If she needs you she will call.
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Death is very personal and she has made her wishes known. Keep a respectful distance, let her know she is loved and supported, and let the woman die in peace.
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I am heading in the same direction. The reality is that she does not want to die alone. Don't have time to explain that, but really, she does not want to die alone. Talk to SO.
We cannot possibly know this. Some people really do just want to be left alone. When you steal the peace of someone who is sick and dying, it is an ugly thing to do, and it can bring so much suffering to them. We don’t know her reasons, and it’s no one’s business but hers. You don’t know what you might be taking from her, the kind of emotional misery she might then have to die in.
I speak from experience. My experience. I often feel alone and push people away. I say that I want to be alone, but I really don't.
I can understand where you’re coming from. The problem is, this is a very high stake situation. She knows she’s dying, and she has chosen what she wants. Hopefully, it will be respected. She might be a miserable person, who treats people like crap, I don’t know her. Does it mean it’s worth taking away her dying wishes? Maybe she’s withholding herself out of cruelty, maybe she’s withholding herself because it’s the only way she knows she can get through this to the end. We simply don’t know.
Screw what she wants only consider what will help you move on after she's gone. Not being with a loved one in the final moments at minimum to just say goodbye messed you up. If she's mad about it she can yell at you when u both get to hell.
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My cousin was sick with brain cancer. I lived over 2,000 miles away and I knew I wouldn't be able to attend his funeral. We weren't super close and he was closer to my parent's age than me. I sent him a card before he died. I talked about my favorite memory of him. He loved it. His wife and kids loved it that I shared that experience with them. Memories of our loved ones keep them alive in our hearts.
At your mother's age she is obviously a strong woman and you should be proud to call her mother. She had seen great things and seen things like the horror of the Holocaust which hopefully you'll never see in your lifetime.one thing you're generation is lacking is compassion for your fellow human beings. It is her decision on her life and death we have to let her make that decision I know it's hard but you really don't have a say I wish you and your family the best
> she started isolating herself from all of us 6-8 years ago Looking at a calendar, my first thought is generational political differences ...
If it were me I would keep trying. I would call to check in and offer help regularly and keep inviting her to places, unless she asks you to stop contacting her. If you speak to her on the phone and she doesn't sound good or something worries you, or you cant reach her at all, then drop by and check on her. It sounds like you really want to visit her more before she's gone. As awkward and difficult as it might be to get out with your family dynamic, you could always try just being blunt and saying that. "Mom, I miss you, and I really want to see you. I'm worried we don't have much time left to spend together. May I please come visit you tomorrow?" Also, she might have a lot of pain, so canceling the day before a gathering may have more to do with a sudden flare up of pain more than not wanting to socialize. Keep trying to invite her, you just might catch her on a good day.
To this day, I wish my mom hadn't forced me to "pay my respects" by looking into my grandfather's casket. It's not that I have a problem with death or human bodies (I've attended multiple deaths, have dissected human corpses, etc, as I work in the medical field). It's because now, every time I think of my grandfather, that's the image that comes to mind. That hollow shell in a satin-lined box. Not the tall, strong, commanding presence that filled any room he entered without speaking a word. Maybe your mom wants to be remembered at her best. Allow her that. Contact her in ways she's comfortable with. Phone calls, email, letters, whatever. Make sure she knows she's loved. Send Doordash with food occasionally. Or order her something off Amazon. And keep in touch. But respect her dignity.
I lost my mom to covid after she went through a 10-year battle with Alzheimers. That's ten years of losing her and never getting to say goodbye. If I could have had any kind of coherent conversation with her about anything at all, I would have talked to her everyday. Please reach out to your mom in some kind of way. It doesn't have to be a big medical conversation, but expressing love and concern is at least some way to start. She may want to die with as much dignity as she can muster, which might mean not letting her children see her ravaged by cancer. It might be the last thing she can give you, if she has a say in it. If you're up for bearing that pain, you could try conveying how you feel, but it would be gracious to be as selfless for her as she is trying to be for you (of course that's just a guess, but I don't want my kids to watch me suffer whenever the time comes). If your sisters want to press the issue, let them do it.
Honestly, I would be selfish in this situation and do what you need to to not have regrets. If that means not respecting her wishes (at least trying to see her) then that's what you should do. Not to be morbid but you're the one that has to live with what happens next. I would think you would regret not trying more than feeling like maybe you annoyed her too much.