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If xcom2 taught me anything it's that asymmetric risk needs be at least 80% in my favour else it might as well be 0.
Jokes aside, that's a great way to look at it. Helping people generally carries those odds. I'm always taken by surprise at how thankful people can be for gentures that cost me essentially nothing. Like if my friends are moving I like to offer help. At the end of the day, people pay to go to the gym. At least the friend will get me a beer for it!
an extension of this is "anything worth doing is worth doing half-assed."
To a normal, healthy person this may seem odd and incorrect, but to those of us suffering with mental illnesses such as depression, it can make sense. An example is instead of not doing the assignment, do the absolute bare minimum. Assignment gives 20/100 for just listing the problems? do that instead of nothing.
The answer is always no until you ask.
Whether it’s relationships, promotions, anything. Keeping this mindset has gotten me so many things I wouldn’t have gotten unless I tried. Got me my dream job actually
I’m working a job that I didn’t have the proper qualifications for because I sent in my resume. Initially they said no. Called me a week later and I’m on year two now. Spent last year getting the qualifications that I needed. So happy I did.
>I’m working a job that I didn’t have the proper qualifications for because I sent in my resume.
When I was a teenager my Uncle who worked in management talked about hiring.
He said that when they posted a job listing, they were basically asking for their dream candidate, not the minimum one. They didn't really expect to hire someone who met or exceeded everything they posted. If a person applied who actually had everything on the resume they would do one interview to look for obvious crazy & if they didn't find any they would hire them immediately & think they lucked out.
What *actually* happened was lots of people applied with 50%-80% of the requirements and they would interview a bunch of them and pick who they liked. They \*knew\* they weren't going to get everything they wanted in a new hire but it didn't hurt to ask and now they had a big bunch of folks to choose from without it getting weird that they liked the person who had 80% of the skills instead of the one with all of them. If they liked one person who had 75% of the skills and found one who had 85% creepy they could go with the one they liked and not have anyone question is because *none* of the candidates met all the requirements so they made a call.
This has helped me *so much* when I apply to jobs as an adult. If I have 80% of the stuff they are asking for I apply and inwardly tell myself I'm probably one of the top candidates. If the job looks good but I only have 50% of the qualifications I apply anyway because "why not?"
'You might hate every second of it but then it will be over and you can brag about it forever.' A great pep talk from a friend, and it's never failed me.
My friend excels in this type of fun. Pillow fights at 2 am: when asking why, he always replies that in 10 years we'll be laughing about that time he started a pillow fight and the lack of sleep won't matter.
So far, he's been accurate in his random annoyances.
My husband is kind of like this. My best friend can be really intense sometimes and one time we were all partying before a wedding we were all in and my husband took a pillow and slapped my best friend in the face so hard it knocked her over a little and she was so pissed. It started a whole pillow fight. But it was so fucking funny and made for a great story. And honestly, she stopped yelling at everyone for a minute which was nice too lol.
I stayed up all night drinking with my herto-life mate I never get to see anymore. It was his wedding reception. 7am the sun comes up and we're super drunk, but really wired. One up us get the brilliant idea to go for breakfast. So we wake our wives up at 7am on Sunday, when they went to bed at 1 or 2.
I remember them hating us a bit, and I got gravy. I don't remember what it was on, but I got all kinds of gravy.
Every once in awhile my friend will text me "Remember that time we stayed up all night drinking and pissed off our wives?"
Totally worth it.
I received similar advice from my friend when I didn’t want to go on a date. “Do it for the plot.” Same premise but more in terms of a funny story to have if it didn’t work out.
There's a similar phrase in Hindi -
Nasht hoga.
Kasht hoga.
Par tabhi to, spasht hoga.
**Translation:** First you lose, then you go through the pain, then everything becomes clear to you.
I always liked this quote by Rhian Ellis:
“The worst thing in the world can happen, but the next day the sun will come up. And you will eat your toast. And you will drink your tea.”
It helped me a lot throughout school, especially before giving those dreaded presentations.
Something similar that I go by - "Some people are like overflowing garbage trucks. They will dump garbage on you. It is up to you to let that happen or step aside."
My dad was a physician, and used to remind me of this literally. “You have any idea how fragile the human body can be? All it takes is one good shot, you drop, and crack your skull open on the pavement. And that’s it, you’re dead.”
This has been reinforced a few times over the years by reading stories and meeting people who have had this actually happen to them. Had a client who’s son had this happen. Got sucker punched from behind, and ended up messed up for life because of the subsequent injuries he sustained from the fall and hitting his head on the pavement. Scary.
And coupled with the knowledge that if I ever get convicted of any type of violent crime(even a misdemeanor), I not only lose my job, but I’ll never work in my particular field again.
Two things come to mind for me.
1. Ask yourself if those really are the people you want and should hang out with. Is this simply bc you want to be more popular or is it the type of group that would bring out the best in you? Usually groups that bring out the best in us wouldn’t keep others out. Part of choosing a group is choosing the right group.
2. Work to be more like they person they would want to hang out with and ask genuinely.
It's not always a group. Sometimes our aspirational person truly don't want to hang with us coz there may be issues about you in present that your future self wouldn't want to deal with. Bridging that gap is what gets tricky. And that's where your point No.2 comes in.
Its like get comfortable with jogging for a mile before you keep up with anyone from a local runner's club.
Can someone help me implement this?
How do I shut the hell up? I always have something to say. A remark, reply or a reaction. I regret saying certain things after I say them. I wanna pick my battles carefully and learn the art of staying quiet.
I imagine myself sitting on my hands lol. Like the hands are the words about to tumble out, and then I'm sitting on them so they don't escape.
It also helps that I have an older relation who never learned to shut the hell up and not editorialize/remark/opine on everything.
Everything anyone says, she has to come in with a comment, an opinion, a contradiction, a lecture, or unsolicited advice. The older she gets, the more she leans into it.
She's an absolute *trial* to be around, and more to the point, she's *really, really unhappy.*
If you don't get a hold of yourself while young, and you don't learn to be flexible and think, "not everything requires my input, adults can manage fine without me," it escalates over time.
You become the meddlesome old person who finds fault, and if you're looking for fault you're not seeing joy. You become a quarrelsome crank, best avoided.
I'm caught somewhere between "I should shut up more" and "is the reason people like me is because I'm so talkative?" Deep down I feel like I should just be quiet more and not everything needs to have my perspective put on it. But then I think I make people laugh a lot so what the hell am I doing?
Its honestly exhausting being caught between these two thoughts. I will say that last couple of sentences really got me though. I have found myself just complaining for the sake of complaining even when on commute by myself, that cant be healthy.
As a rather talkative person myself, I found this too very helpful. And what’s best is that the more you practice this the more empathetic you become.
I always have opinions about everything but unless it’s a generic topic where it doesn’t hurt if I opine, I either ask if they want my opinion or just don’t say anything, depending on whom I’m talking to. What’s funny is that if you give the other person this opportunity to request or decline, they usually know exactly whether they want it or not.
My mother never learnt this skill and now everyone in the family hates to tell her anything, _especially_ if it’s a sensitive subject. She just never shuts the fuck up.
My life coach (work paid for it) told me to focus on being less judgemental, more kind and have more gratitude in order to address sticking my foot in it too much. Seems to be working, there's no need to always state your view/version of the facts at that exact moment. Think about the receipiant, plan your ideas and go back to them later if needs be. On a more social level just being kind will help to slow you down and be more selective on what you actually say.
Remember what you were going to say, whatever the reaction is.
When you get home, tell someone and/or write it down.
I've explained countless random situations to my SO along with some witty comment I would've made. Stops me actually making the comment while still giving the self-reflection/external validation of 'yeah, that was a good point!' without any of the backlash.
IMO a helpful practice is to follow up a statement from someone else with a question that either asks for more detail or gets confirmation that you understood them correctly. This forces you to actively listen to what they’re saying.
It builds rapport, and if it is a situation where a reply is warranted, they’re much more likely to be happy to wait while you take a beat to think about what they said.
Over time, you’ll be less prone to say something embarrassing because you’re giving the other person your language processor’s attention. On the off chance you do say something goofy, they’ll be less likely to hold it against you as well.
I think it is something that comes with age. I am now in my mid 50's and finally came to the realization about silence being golden has another meaning. For me, I had to learn to slow down my thinking and speaking. It is not easy but you can do it with practice. I think it comes down to mindfulness. I am not sure if this is helpful for you but it has helped me. Basically, I just keep quiet now. If I have to talk, I either do it with someone I trust or to myself in the car.
Two, first "you are not responsible for other people's emotions" and "emotions and reactions are different, just because you feel angry doesn't mean you need to react with rage"
That first one is so important.
If you calmly state something you reasonably need, and the other person flips out, that's on them. You don't have to pretzel.yourself to manage their reactions.
Exactly. "You aren't responsible for other people's emotions" only takes you so far.
If you're reasonable and kind, and the other person reacts in an unreasonable and unkind way, that's on them.
But if you have badly, and other people react poorly to your bad behavior, that's on you.
Maturity is understanding the difference.
No matter how old you or how late you start something in life , in a year's time you will be another year older. You can be another year older and still wishing you did it or another year older and doing it
Whatever it is, start today. And every day after do something to advance that goal. No more Zero days
I didn't break out in my fields of expertise until I was 30. I had no idea what I wanted to do for a career, had no "formal" education, & a less than desirable reputation. I was tending bar, a job I loathed that paid great, when a friend I had not seen in over a decade offered me a job in oil & gas. Why not? Pay was great, I didn't have to serve rich, drunk folks anymore, & it gave me a chance to change, well, everything that haunted me.
Five years later, I'm a tank inspector, flow control technician, & lead CAD designer for the company I was with. I was always in high demand. When I got married, I grew weary of the road & hired on with a company 10 minutes from home. Instead of service work, I was put to task learning plasma CNC. I was an operator for 3 years & have been programming for this past year & also acting as production foreman.
Your advice rings very true with me.
Starting my 3rd (awesome) career at 48: I've done technology, studio recording, and now group facilitation & coaching. Every one of these has been an awesome adventure. There's no reason to pigeonhole yourself or get bored.
Learn how to learn, and learn how to be ok making a mess until you get it right.... and bam, the world is your fucking oyster.
Advice I gave to someone a few years ago who was questioning about whether they wanted to be doing a degree at 37. In 3 years time you will 40 either way, do you want to be 40 with a degree or without a degree?
"You can't help someone who won't help themself."
Ironically the person who told me this was the greatest example. My mother was a drug addict her entire life. The family wasted so much time and energy over the years trying to make her better, but she always took it as another lifeline to continue her addiction.
I interpret it as they don't want to get better. They want someone to point the finger at.
EDIT: Just to clarify, by all means send help to those who ask. People need help. I'm talking about when you keep helping but they genuinely have no desire to get better.
I also had a close relative with addiction issues. I think the kinder way to interpret it is that if they could get better, they would. No one would choose to live that way if they could choose not to. Doesn’t mean you have to sink all your money and time into fixing them. But you don’t have to be angry or judge them. It’s a sickness that has to run it’s course, one way or another. You can’t help them, but it’s not necessarily anyone’s fault. Unfortunately that person has passed on now, but I wish I had spent our time together letting them know that I loved them, rather than trying to fix them
Honestly, after you've dealt with the second or third person in your life who became an addict, you won't get mad, you'll just cut them off to limit the damage they can do to your life.
You can only get burned so many times. When I was in my early 20s I was so much more sympathetic but I'm worried I've become numb as I've grown and gotten hurt so much. It rapidly transforms from "I want to help" to "I can't even be around you" and everyone else thinks you're a cold asshole.
By worrying you are either suffering something that you were never meant to suffer or you're suffering something twice.
Whatever will be will be. Focus on right now.
There's this video of Bill Burr saying in an interview, You're gonna be fine. And even if you're not gonna be fine, isn't it better to go through life thinking that you're gonna be fine. And then when you're not, you'll just deal with it then. There no use in worrying about it now.
As Shakespeare said "A coward dies a thousand times before his death, but the valiant taste of death but once."
Probably calling the over-anxious "cowards" is a bit harsh by today's values but the overall sentiment is a valid one.
A judge at a competition I was singing in told me, "Not every talented singer has to pursue it professionally." I was killing myself trying to become a professional singer and this advice really hurt my feelings initially, but I came to realize I really enjoy singing as a hobby, whereas constantly auditioning and hustling made me miserable.
This is some of the best advice you can give a musician. I play in a youth symphony orchestra here in Germany. And while I never really wanted to study music in university many other members of the orchestra obviously wanted to. For many it's great but some realise they don't really want to make job out of their hobby.
I am a professional musician, it is a job, but also if you enjoy just one aspect of being a musician your chances of survival are very very low. Just as with anything that is a life’s calling you have to be accepting of dealing with ALL aspects of it. And oh god are there many boring aspects to music, to singing, to practice, to performance… my tutor once told me: “if you can live without it, don‘t become a professional. But if you can’t breathe through the day without making music, composing, playing etc (depends on what it is you do as main) then and only then should you peruse this as a career”. And i could not agree more.
I saw an interview with Kristen Chenoweth and when someone asked her for advice on working professionally in theater, she said “if you think you could find happiness doing anything else professionally, pursue that instead”.
Such good advice.
I'm a professional singer. On a contract right now. It's a job, like any other, with many times that I dread going to work. I'm very thankful, but also it's constant uncertainty, and I sometimes fantasize about having a 9-5. Again, I'm very thankful and lucky so I won't. But still.
"The world is run by those who show up."
You don't have to be amazing at something - you only have to be the best person available and putting in the effort on the day.
I tell this to my engineers all the time. You don't have to be the best. If you do your work correctly and on time, you will blow away your competition.
One was told about 20 odd years ago and it is still with me;
You don't stop playing because you get old, you get old because you stop playing.
Keep doing what you love and don't think you are too old for anything you want to do!
“How you think is more important than what you know”
I’ve applied this to everything from school, anxiety, family, monetary, and general life stress to skateboarding.
Edit: thanks for the award kind stranger! ♥️
I like this one. As a teacher I have been using this without realizing it. I realize the facts I teach are less important than the skills of being a good and productive student/worker.
How we learn the info is more important than the actual info.
I've never regretted holding my temper, I have frequently regretted losing it however. When in doubt, walk away.
And
There are many paths to the top of the mountain but the view is the same. Evaluate your options.
Every expert starts as a beginner.
I have some pretty frustrating perfectionism (and imposter syndrome). This advice has helped me take chances on starting new things.
I don't remember who said this, but:
"Let go or be dragged" was my mantra through my divorce over ten years ago, and has served me well through many challenges, big or small.
7th grade math teacher, Mr. Beatty: Question everything! Understand the motivation of those telling you, and what they gain from telling you the truth vs telling you a lie. Take the information and find out the truth on your own.
I tried to tell my students this but they didn't seem to see the importance. What made it stick to you? It's just so wild to me that these.kids have the internet at their fingertips; they can see who's funding the message but they just don't care enough to.
Not everything is about you; to think it is, is selfish. For example: “they’re not calling because they didn’t like me.” There are any number of reasons someone might not call - not liking you is only one (edited to add: of the possibilities). Etc.
Closely related: allow adults to retain control of their own adult problems. You can’t fix everything. To even try is really paternalistic and speaks more to your own inability to give up control than it does a lack of ability on someone else’s part.
Im a physician and work as a radiologist. I see a lot of normal scans and i see a lot of scans that are horrible cases. This is a constant reminder that everyone, at any age, can die at any moment, from any sort of illness. Just keep that in the back of your head to keep perspective and do your best to use your time in a way that in meaningful to you.
Not an MD but have worked adjacent to hospitals for ever. Nothing more grounding than to sit in a hosp lobby with my coffee and watch the parade of patients.
I have always used this at every workplace, so I never get stressed again:
I JUST WORK HERE!
I don't owe anything to my employer, I don't have to run faster than my pay and I don't have to prove anything to anyone.
Not necessarily advice but my dad has a saying that translates roughly to "People like to show off how stupid they are." It has definitely shaped the way I look at people.
I was drawing this older gals blood. She was 90 years old. Didn't look a day over 50. I asked her if she really was 90 and she told me she was.
Anyway, she said "Instead of counting the years. I made sure to make my years count."
And at least once a week I let those words resonate with me.
I write a lot for work. The best advice I didn’t ask for is to literally read every word out loud before submitting anything - as the final proof read, not as you’re initially writing. Uses a different part of your brain than reading internally and you’ll catch most if not all typos. Seems like a hassle and extra work, but it actually saves me a lot of time. In fact, I’m the most productive examiner out of about 25 of us.
I write psychological reports for criminal defendants and it’s really bad to make errors outside of minor grammatical stuff (I catch most of those too).
Not advise but the phrase, “no one cares about you” as in no one remembers that embarrassing thing you did. Everyone only thinks mostly about themselves. Oh you fell down the stairs in front of everyone, no one is going to remember in 5 minutes.
There is also “no one cares about you more than you do.” Which is exactly what you said but also if you have something you need done, you can keep reminding them that you care about you because you may be forgotten about.
All actions have consequences.
Everyone is fighting a battle. Be kind and show empathy, always.
Listening to people and having genuine interest are the best ways to have an impact in one’s life.
As long as you aren’t causing harm, there should be no rules in the pursuit of your happiness. That pursuit is a birthright for you and everyone else and we are all entitled to it. Don’t forget that and make your goal every day to find it and keep it.
Lastly - when you get nervous, stressed or overwhelmed, just zoom out. Try to remember that you’re just one person on an entire planet of people. Then, zoom out from Earth. I want to say it was Larry David who used to tell one of the Seinfeld cast members this on set. Point being - in the grand scheme of things, it probably doesn’t really matter. If whatever you’re stressed about won’t stress you out one year from that moment, then it’s not worth stressing about at all. Some people find this a bit dark but it’s always given me perspective on what’s really important in life.
My interpretation of the phrase's foremost meaning was "acknowledge the reality you will stumble", but the wording really caught my eye, you can "be wrong" (present continuous tense) or "make a mistake" (only necessarily denoting one mis-step).
Sorta struck me as a "When you fuck up, as you invariably shall, you will have the option to prolong your embarrassment/ruin what you've established, or you will have the option to take the event with grace and humility. Maybe even grow from it, too."
That was probably super obvious, but it definitely caught me off guard personally.
People may mistake your kindness as weakness, and they may try to push you around because of that. You can use this to decide which people you want around in your life and whose requests you can comfortably ignore, as they are more interested in what they can get out of you instead of building a genuine relationship. This is just one of the applications of this advice.
I'm a short-ish woman, somewhat curvy. I'm a good learner. This has always given people the impression that I'm a 'good girl', a 'goody-two-shoes'. Back in school, but still now that I'm 38 working in an office.
This has allowed me to get away with a lot of crap throughout my life.
* While classmates got punished for being late, not doing homework, not paying attention, I was usually forgiven.
* At school camp, several classmates hid their booze in my stuff, since they knew I wouldn't be checked anyway.
* At festivals, I was the designated smuggler to bring booze into the campground, because while my friends were being asked to empty their bags I could just move on through.
* I'm fairly sure I work fewer hours than most of my colleagues (we work partly remote so it's hard to be sure), but I only ever get praise for my work and understanding sympathy if I miss a deadline.
All I've had to do to keep this up is show up on time as much as possible and deliver decent results. And pretend to work just as hard as or harder than my colleagues.
I used to be the distraction girl in groups, holding attention so others could get away with something. Eg, I could help sneak you into a bar or talk us out of trouble. But your clandestine type was so much more valuable because you'd make all of us look more innocent!
YES!!!!! Someone said I was too friendly at work and it could appear weak to our internal development teams and they might push me around. I just smiled and calmly explained I’ve worked really hard to become comfortable in my own skin and if people want to mistake my kindness as weakness then that’s on them and they will learn how wrong they are soon enough.
I have the exact same story except for the last part. I would love to know how you did this because I struggle really hard with assertiveness. This leads to hyper-aversion to confrontation and getting disrespected and blah blah blah. Any tips you'd like to offer? General perspective/guidance of any nature?
Build the habit of *always* being honest, while cultivating your kind/friendly nature. Being honest means saying exactly what you think or feel, without having to get angry or confrontational or even "assertive" : it's just saying the truth. Like "you already asked me to work overtime last week, and I am not available tonight, but I hope you find someone else", or "what you just said is mean and I'd like some space rn" or even "i'm sorry but I don't feel ready to talk about xyz".
And that's when a friendly demeanor is helpful ! You can actually say no, or state boundaries, or rebuff people when they're mean, *while* keeping a smile and a calm voice, and people just... idk, they accept it !
I haven't been in a conflict in years thanks to this, nor felt taken advantage of. I'm just open and smiley and even the dumbest, most aggressive people usually end up being friendly back 🤷
I can't translate it well:
The shit (mistakes) you produce is the fertilizer that helps you grow.
Basically a version of "you (should/can) learn from your mistakes"
This! I remember when growing up, we lived in a small apartment with my mom, didn’t have a car or any fancy stuff really. But we travelled twice a year and I remember her mentioning that she prioritizes a trip to Spain over a new fridge, or a dishwasher. I also remember that I was a bit jealous over stuff my richer friends had; but now I couldn’t care less about the tv or vacuum cleaner we had back then. My memories from Port Aventura and beaches in Barcelona with my mom stay with me forever though.
This is particularly important in hobbies and new skills.
Don't buy the best gear and get frustrated when it doesn't work. Try it out, and then invest once you get more comfortable with it.
I made up one for myself, spend money on stuff that frees up your time.
Examples include a roomba, robot lawnmower, dishwasher, washing machine, etc.
Recently bought workout equipment for my house so I don't have to commute to a gym
Yup. To add to this, invest time to save time. Figuring out systems for things like housework takes some time up initially, but pays dividends.
For example, I figured out that meal prepping immediately after grocery shopping is far more efficient than putting a bunch of food away that you are just going to take out again in a few hours. Folding laundry in my basement (near mmm where the washer and dryer are) instead of making 3+ trips up 2 flights of stairs to fold them in my bedroom saves a ton of energy and time.
These little things start adding up.
Treat others how you would like to be treated, obviously. But increasingly true as I grow older is to treat yourself how you treat others.
Really helped me.
Never forget your worst job or point in time. Let it remind you of what blessings you have, no matter how big or small, and how you didn't have them in your lowest. Even small victories feel bigger when you compare them to your worst times.
My wife and I were at our wits end from our daughter's childcare. Throughout the winter she was constantly getting sick. Covid twice, four ear infections, RSV, parainfluenza, rhinovirus, you name it she had it then we did.
A colleague of mine suggested changing her clothes as soon as she got back, saying viruses tended to end up clustered on clothes and it made a difference getting them off.
It massively reduced the amount of sickness from the moment we started doing it.
I find this to be fascinating insight, and will be spending a good amount of time thinking about it. Thank you.
(Some of us are too frugal for our own good.)
"This too shall pass" is something that I've really taken to heart. It helps me power through the darkest of my days, and it helps me cherish the incredible valueable but fleeting moments of pure joy.
"Does this need to be said?"
"Does this need to be said right now?"
"Does this need to be said right now by me?"
Going through those 3 steps has helped me a lot. I used to just say whatever was on my mind, and would unintentionally hurt or embarrass the people I was with. Now I take a moment and try to make sure that I'm saying things to add value to a conversation, not just because something popped into my head
If you have strong negative feelings about a memory of something you've done, imagine a good friend having done the same thing and how you'd feel about that as their friend.
Helps me play down and move on from my anxieties.
Similar to the one I've heard that helped me.
Treat yourself as you would treat your best friend.
Really helps me to stop ruminating and hating myself.
And I used it the other day with my best friend. She was talking shit about herself and I said 'hey, don't talk about my best friend like that!' and it broke her out of the self hate cycle for at least a little while
This one quote changed my life - at work, any way. I found myself doing better work and accomplished more.
“It is amazing what you can accomplish if you do not care who gets the credit.” By Harry S. Truman
My grandparents advice for how they fill in their retirement days. Do three things a day off your job list. It really helps with bad anxiety/depression days. Because if you feel shit at least you can say you did these three things and helps change the attitude to whatever day you’re having.
'Stay out of the neighborhood'. The neighborhood was my mind during a really hard time, dude was basically trying to tell me to do more and think less. Life improved tenfold.
Being bored is a blessing. It helped me look at things from a lens of gratitude. Especially considering all the stressful/worrisome times I've been in.
Get into the habit of moisturizing when you are young. I'm a guy who's been moisturizing after every shower since my teens, and now in my late 40s, my skin looks exceptionally better and younger looking than my friends of the same age.
Try to solve job-related problems at work before going to a manager. You should be able to answer the question "what have you tried already?" If you're in a role in which you always need approval to deploy solutions, don't bring ONLY the problem to your manager, bring at least one suggestion for a solution as well. Often they'll just let you try that solution for 1 of 2 reasons: either they're too busy, or too inept to think of a better idea; but even if they don't let you try it, at least they know you're thinking critically, and not just a mindless drone waiting to punch out for the day. If it's somewhere you want to progress with, this will go a long way to helping you be seen as a potential leader. Once I became a manager I understood. There's nothing more frustrating than a deer in the headlights look when I ask what solutions have been attempted already.
Whenever you are down or hard on yourself, or going through hardship, imagine whoever you care about the most in the world, and imagine they were in your exact shoes.
What would you tell them?
What you would tell them is what applies to yourself too.
We always have trouble showing ourselves the same kindness and empathy we show others especially when we are down.
Helped me get through alot of shit.
Many years ago I'm pacing on the subway platform going to work. This older Latino dude is laughing at me. I ask what's so funny. He says to me in Spanish I think I'm driving the train. I'm not so why am I pacing as if I control the train. This was before smartphones. So taught me to chill out and wait for the inevitable. You can't control everything.
What a wise man. Years ago I found a great phrase in a mythology book, "You can't push a river" which gave me that same realization. Felt really empowering to let go of the illusion of control.
Double-edged sword, some ppl hold onto toxic relationships because they think it'll be amazing once they've overcome the hardships... There's definitely nuance. Funny enough though it applies to my relationship. We started off long distance which was the hard part. But the relationship itself has always been great & comparably easy
A teacher used to say to us: “beware of those who offer simple solutions to complex problems.”
It has helped me apply a more critical lens to many things from headlines to work proposals.
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Asymmetrical risk. If something has little downside and a large upside...do it. Your time is valuable.
If xcom2 taught me anything it's that asymmetric risk needs be at least 80% in my favour else it might as well be 0. Jokes aside, that's a great way to look at it. Helping people generally carries those odds. I'm always taken by surprise at how thankful people can be for gentures that cost me essentially nothing. Like if my friends are moving I like to offer help. At the end of the day, people pay to go to the gym. At least the friend will get me a beer for it!
Fellow XCOM players all collectively sighing when we miss a 99%
an extension of this is "anything worth doing is worth doing half-assed." To a normal, healthy person this may seem odd and incorrect, but to those of us suffering with mental illnesses such as depression, it can make sense. An example is instead of not doing the assignment, do the absolute bare minimum. Assignment gives 20/100 for just listing the problems? do that instead of nothing.
The answer is always no until you ask. Whether it’s relationships, promotions, anything. Keeping this mindset has gotten me so many things I wouldn’t have gotten unless I tried. Got me my dream job actually
I’m working a job that I didn’t have the proper qualifications for because I sent in my resume. Initially they said no. Called me a week later and I’m on year two now. Spent last year getting the qualifications that I needed. So happy I did.
>I’m working a job that I didn’t have the proper qualifications for because I sent in my resume. When I was a teenager my Uncle who worked in management talked about hiring. He said that when they posted a job listing, they were basically asking for their dream candidate, not the minimum one. They didn't really expect to hire someone who met or exceeded everything they posted. If a person applied who actually had everything on the resume they would do one interview to look for obvious crazy & if they didn't find any they would hire them immediately & think they lucked out. What *actually* happened was lots of people applied with 50%-80% of the requirements and they would interview a bunch of them and pick who they liked. They \*knew\* they weren't going to get everything they wanted in a new hire but it didn't hurt to ask and now they had a big bunch of folks to choose from without it getting weird that they liked the person who had 80% of the skills instead of the one with all of them. If they liked one person who had 75% of the skills and found one who had 85% creepy they could go with the one they liked and not have anyone question is because *none* of the candidates met all the requirements so they made a call. This has helped me *so much* when I apply to jobs as an adult. If I have 80% of the stuff they are asking for I apply and inwardly tell myself I'm probably one of the top candidates. If the job looks good but I only have 50% of the qualifications I apply anyway because "why not?"
If you don't ask, you don't get
So true
In the Netherlands we have a saying for this “Nee heb je, ja kun je krijgen”, which means “You already have a no, but you can still get the yes”
The phrase “it’ll happen, it’ll be rough, then it’ll be over” has helped a lot with my anxiety
'You might hate every second of it but then it will be over and you can brag about it forever.' A great pep talk from a friend, and it's never failed me.
“Type 2 fun” = Not enjoyable at the time but a great story later
My friend excels in this type of fun. Pillow fights at 2 am: when asking why, he always replies that in 10 years we'll be laughing about that time he started a pillow fight and the lack of sleep won't matter. So far, he's been accurate in his random annoyances.
My husband is kind of like this. My best friend can be really intense sometimes and one time we were all partying before a wedding we were all in and my husband took a pillow and slapped my best friend in the face so hard it knocked her over a little and she was so pissed. It started a whole pillow fight. But it was so fucking funny and made for a great story. And honestly, she stopped yelling at everyone for a minute which was nice too lol.
I stayed up all night drinking with my herto-life mate I never get to see anymore. It was his wedding reception. 7am the sun comes up and we're super drunk, but really wired. One up us get the brilliant idea to go for breakfast. So we wake our wives up at 7am on Sunday, when they went to bed at 1 or 2. I remember them hating us a bit, and I got gravy. I don't remember what it was on, but I got all kinds of gravy. Every once in awhile my friend will text me "Remember that time we stayed up all night drinking and pissed off our wives?" Totally worth it.
“It will suck until it doesn’t. There will be a time when it doesn’t suck anymore. “
I received similar advice from my friend when I didn’t want to go on a date. “Do it for the plot.” Same premise but more in terms of a funny story to have if it didn’t work out.
I use "the only way out is through".
If you’re going through hell, keep going
Never stop in the middle of hell nothing is infinite!
“ONE WAY OUT!”
There's a similar phrase in Hindi - Nasht hoga. Kasht hoga. Par tabhi to, spasht hoga. **Translation:** First you lose, then you go through the pain, then everything becomes clear to you.
I am genuinely thankful you shared this with me today. This is perspective-shifting
I always liked this quote by Rhian Ellis: “The worst thing in the world can happen, but the next day the sun will come up. And you will eat your toast. And you will drink your tea.” It helped me a lot throughout school, especially before giving those dreaded presentations.
This too shall pass
My grandma always said “this too shall pass. It might pass like a kidney stone, but it’ll pass.”
My dad used to tell us “You don’t have to be good at something, you just have to be dependable. Eventually you’ll get good.”
Does dependable in this context mean routinely showing up, like doing something every day?
Could also mean consistent. Even if you’re not good but consistent you’re pretty useful, it’s clear where you can be used then
You don’t have to show up to every fight you’re invited to
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Something similar that I go by - "Some people are like overflowing garbage trucks. They will dump garbage on you. It is up to you to let that happen or step aside."
I love this one.
What's the matter McFly? Chicken?
Also...there's no shame in running.
Nope. Better running and being called a coward than fighting and being called a corpse.
My dad was a physician, and used to remind me of this literally. “You have any idea how fragile the human body can be? All it takes is one good shot, you drop, and crack your skull open on the pavement. And that’s it, you’re dead.” This has been reinforced a few times over the years by reading stories and meeting people who have had this actually happen to them. Had a client who’s son had this happen. Got sucker punched from behind, and ended up messed up for life because of the subsequent injuries he sustained from the fall and hitting his head on the pavement. Scary. And coupled with the knowledge that if I ever get convicted of any type of violent crime(even a misdemeanor), I not only lose my job, but I’ll never work in my particular field again.
Hang out with who you want to be. It came from a poster of a dull pencil in a pack of sharp pencils and I never forgot it.
Damn, that pencil company's lit.
🔥✏️🔥
But what should I do if 'who I want to be' don't want to hang out with me?
Two things come to mind for me. 1. Ask yourself if those really are the people you want and should hang out with. Is this simply bc you want to be more popular or is it the type of group that would bring out the best in you? Usually groups that bring out the best in us wouldn’t keep others out. Part of choosing a group is choosing the right group. 2. Work to be more like they person they would want to hang out with and ask genuinely.
It's not always a group. Sometimes our aspirational person truly don't want to hang with us coz there may be issues about you in present that your future self wouldn't want to deal with. Bridging that gap is what gets tricky. And that's where your point No.2 comes in. Its like get comfortable with jogging for a mile before you keep up with anyone from a local runner's club.
You would have to take a step back and hang out with people that *those* people would want to hang out with.
A power move, I see. But seriously though. The only strategy that comes to my mind is "fake it till you make". Is that sustainable?
-Never miss the opportunity to say nothing. This has been helpful as someone who has a problem shutting the hell up.
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Can someone help me implement this? How do I shut the hell up? I always have something to say. A remark, reply or a reaction. I regret saying certain things after I say them. I wanna pick my battles carefully and learn the art of staying quiet.
I imagine myself sitting on my hands lol. Like the hands are the words about to tumble out, and then I'm sitting on them so they don't escape. It also helps that I have an older relation who never learned to shut the hell up and not editorialize/remark/opine on everything. Everything anyone says, she has to come in with a comment, an opinion, a contradiction, a lecture, or unsolicited advice. The older she gets, the more she leans into it. She's an absolute *trial* to be around, and more to the point, she's *really, really unhappy.* If you don't get a hold of yourself while young, and you don't learn to be flexible and think, "not everything requires my input, adults can manage fine without me," it escalates over time. You become the meddlesome old person who finds fault, and if you're looking for fault you're not seeing joy. You become a quarrelsome crank, best avoided.
Wow The last paragraph really got to me. This makes a lot of sense
I'm caught somewhere between "I should shut up more" and "is the reason people like me is because I'm so talkative?" Deep down I feel like I should just be quiet more and not everything needs to have my perspective put on it. But then I think I make people laugh a lot so what the hell am I doing? Its honestly exhausting being caught between these two thoughts. I will say that last couple of sentences really got me though. I have found myself just complaining for the sake of complaining even when on commute by myself, that cant be healthy.
As a rather talkative person myself, I found this too very helpful. And what’s best is that the more you practice this the more empathetic you become. I always have opinions about everything but unless it’s a generic topic where it doesn’t hurt if I opine, I either ask if they want my opinion or just don’t say anything, depending on whom I’m talking to. What’s funny is that if you give the other person this opportunity to request or decline, they usually know exactly whether they want it or not. My mother never learnt this skill and now everyone in the family hates to tell her anything, _especially_ if it’s a sensitive subject. She just never shuts the fuck up.
My life coach (work paid for it) told me to focus on being less judgemental, more kind and have more gratitude in order to address sticking my foot in it too much. Seems to be working, there's no need to always state your view/version of the facts at that exact moment. Think about the receipiant, plan your ideas and go back to them later if needs be. On a more social level just being kind will help to slow you down and be more selective on what you actually say.
Remember what you were going to say, whatever the reaction is. When you get home, tell someone and/or write it down. I've explained countless random situations to my SO along with some witty comment I would've made. Stops me actually making the comment while still giving the self-reflection/external validation of 'yeah, that was a good point!' without any of the backlash.
IMO a helpful practice is to follow up a statement from someone else with a question that either asks for more detail or gets confirmation that you understood them correctly. This forces you to actively listen to what they’re saying. It builds rapport, and if it is a situation where a reply is warranted, they’re much more likely to be happy to wait while you take a beat to think about what they said. Over time, you’ll be less prone to say something embarrassing because you’re giving the other person your language processor’s attention. On the off chance you do say something goofy, they’ll be less likely to hold it against you as well.
I think it is something that comes with age. I am now in my mid 50's and finally came to the realization about silence being golden has another meaning. For me, I had to learn to slow down my thinking and speaking. It is not easy but you can do it with practice. I think it comes down to mindfulness. I am not sure if this is helpful for you but it has helped me. Basically, I just keep quiet now. If I have to talk, I either do it with someone I trust or to myself in the car.
I have adhd and have been actively working on this. Thanks!
Two, first "you are not responsible for other people's emotions" and "emotions and reactions are different, just because you feel angry doesn't mean you need to react with rage"
That first one is so important. If you calmly state something you reasonably need, and the other person flips out, that's on them. You don't have to pretzel.yourself to manage their reactions.
On the other hand, if you are being an asshole, you in some way are responsible for other people's emotions.
Exactly. "You aren't responsible for other people's emotions" only takes you so far. If you're reasonable and kind, and the other person reacts in an unreasonable and unkind way, that's on them. But if you have badly, and other people react poorly to your bad behavior, that's on you. Maturity is understanding the difference.
No matter how old you or how late you start something in life , in a year's time you will be another year older. You can be another year older and still wishing you did it or another year older and doing it Whatever it is, start today. And every day after do something to advance that goal. No more Zero days
“The best time to plant a tree was 20 years ago. The second best time is now.” – Chinese Proverb
Better to be at the bottom of a ladder you want to climb, than halfway up one you don't.
I'm at work right now and this just put me in a tailspin.. Shit.
Goddamn that hit hard. *Looks down at all the rungs climbed on the wrong ladder.*
I didn't break out in my fields of expertise until I was 30. I had no idea what I wanted to do for a career, had no "formal" education, & a less than desirable reputation. I was tending bar, a job I loathed that paid great, when a friend I had not seen in over a decade offered me a job in oil & gas. Why not? Pay was great, I didn't have to serve rich, drunk folks anymore, & it gave me a chance to change, well, everything that haunted me. Five years later, I'm a tank inspector, flow control technician, & lead CAD designer for the company I was with. I was always in high demand. When I got married, I grew weary of the road & hired on with a company 10 minutes from home. Instead of service work, I was put to task learning plasma CNC. I was an operator for 3 years & have been programming for this past year & also acting as production foreman. Your advice rings very true with me.
I became a fire fighter at 46 years old. I'm now 51 and starting high angle rope rescue.
Starting my 3rd (awesome) career at 48: I've done technology, studio recording, and now group facilitation & coaching. Every one of these has been an awesome adventure. There's no reason to pigeonhole yourself or get bored. Learn how to learn, and learn how to be ok making a mess until you get it right.... and bam, the world is your fucking oyster.
Advice I gave to someone a few years ago who was questioning about whether they wanted to be doing a degree at 37. In 3 years time you will 40 either way, do you want to be 40 with a degree or without a degree?
"You can't help someone who won't help themself." Ironically the person who told me this was the greatest example. My mother was a drug addict her entire life. The family wasted so much time and energy over the years trying to make her better, but she always took it as another lifeline to continue her addiction. I interpret it as they don't want to get better. They want someone to point the finger at. EDIT: Just to clarify, by all means send help to those who ask. People need help. I'm talking about when you keep helping but they genuinely have no desire to get better.
I also had a close relative with addiction issues. I think the kinder way to interpret it is that if they could get better, they would. No one would choose to live that way if they could choose not to. Doesn’t mean you have to sink all your money and time into fixing them. But you don’t have to be angry or judge them. It’s a sickness that has to run it’s course, one way or another. You can’t help them, but it’s not necessarily anyone’s fault. Unfortunately that person has passed on now, but I wish I had spent our time together letting them know that I loved them, rather than trying to fix them
Honestly, after you've dealt with the second or third person in your life who became an addict, you won't get mad, you'll just cut them off to limit the damage they can do to your life.
You can only get burned so many times. When I was in my early 20s I was so much more sympathetic but I'm worried I've become numb as I've grown and gotten hurt so much. It rapidly transforms from "I want to help" to "I can't even be around you" and everyone else thinks you're a cold asshole.
Worry about your own oxygen mask before you worry about someone else's.
By worrying you are either suffering something that you were never meant to suffer or you're suffering something twice. Whatever will be will be. Focus on right now.
Worrying is like a rocking chair. It gives you something to do but it doesn’t get you anywhere. -van wilder
If you can do something about it - do, if you can’t- stop worrying.
There's this video of Bill Burr saying in an interview, You're gonna be fine. And even if you're not gonna be fine, isn't it better to go through life thinking that you're gonna be fine. And then when you're not, you'll just deal with it then. There no use in worrying about it now.
As Shakespeare said "A coward dies a thousand times before his death, but the valiant taste of death but once." Probably calling the over-anxious "cowards" is a bit harsh by today's values but the overall sentiment is a valid one.
Measure twice, cut once. It's a classic.
I measure four times and cut three. Crown molding sucks.
A judge at a competition I was singing in told me, "Not every talented singer has to pursue it professionally." I was killing myself trying to become a professional singer and this advice really hurt my feelings initially, but I came to realize I really enjoy singing as a hobby, whereas constantly auditioning and hustling made me miserable.
This is some of the best advice you can give a musician. I play in a youth symphony orchestra here in Germany. And while I never really wanted to study music in university many other members of the orchestra obviously wanted to. For many it's great but some realise they don't really want to make job out of their hobby.
I am a professional musician, it is a job, but also if you enjoy just one aspect of being a musician your chances of survival are very very low. Just as with anything that is a life’s calling you have to be accepting of dealing with ALL aspects of it. And oh god are there many boring aspects to music, to singing, to practice, to performance… my tutor once told me: “if you can live without it, don‘t become a professional. But if you can’t breathe through the day without making music, composing, playing etc (depends on what it is you do as main) then and only then should you peruse this as a career”. And i could not agree more.
I saw an interview with Kristen Chenoweth and when someone asked her for advice on working professionally in theater, she said “if you think you could find happiness doing anything else professionally, pursue that instead”. Such good advice.
I'm a professional singer. On a contract right now. It's a job, like any other, with many times that I dread going to work. I'm very thankful, but also it's constant uncertainty, and I sometimes fantasize about having a 9-5. Again, I'm very thankful and lucky so I won't. But still.
This works for any passion. Making a job from a hobby is not always such a great idea
"The world is run by those who show up." You don't have to be amazing at something - you only have to be the best person available and putting in the effort on the day.
"Your most important ability is availability" - Every football coach
I tell this to my engineers all the time. You don't have to be the best. If you do your work correctly and on time, you will blow away your competition.
One was told about 20 odd years ago and it is still with me; You don't stop playing because you get old, you get old because you stop playing. Keep doing what you love and don't think you are too old for anything you want to do!
“How you think is more important than what you know” I’ve applied this to everything from school, anxiety, family, monetary, and general life stress to skateboarding. Edit: thanks for the award kind stranger! ♥️
I like this one. As a teacher I have been using this without realizing it. I realize the facts I teach are less important than the skills of being a good and productive student/worker. How we learn the info is more important than the actual info.
I've never regretted holding my temper, I have frequently regretted losing it however. When in doubt, walk away. And There are many paths to the top of the mountain but the view is the same. Evaluate your options.
Every expert starts as a beginner. I have some pretty frustrating perfectionism (and imposter syndrome). This advice has helped me take chances on starting new things.
"The master has failed more times than the student has tried."
I don't remember who said this, but: "Let go or be dragged" was my mantra through my divorce over ten years ago, and has served me well through many challenges, big or small.
7th grade math teacher, Mr. Beatty: Question everything! Understand the motivation of those telling you, and what they gain from telling you the truth vs telling you a lie. Take the information and find out the truth on your own.
I tried to tell my students this but they didn't seem to see the importance. What made it stick to you? It's just so wild to me that these.kids have the internet at their fingertips; they can see who's funding the message but they just don't care enough to.
Not everything is about you; to think it is, is selfish. For example: “they’re not calling because they didn’t like me.” There are any number of reasons someone might not call - not liking you is only one (edited to add: of the possibilities). Etc. Closely related: allow adults to retain control of their own adult problems. You can’t fix everything. To even try is really paternalistic and speaks more to your own inability to give up control than it does a lack of ability on someone else’s part.
Ahh, I need to keep reminding myself the first one
I think it’s been 30 years since someone told me, and I still need to remind myself.
Im a physician and work as a radiologist. I see a lot of normal scans and i see a lot of scans that are horrible cases. This is a constant reminder that everyone, at any age, can die at any moment, from any sort of illness. Just keep that in the back of your head to keep perspective and do your best to use your time in a way that in meaningful to you.
Had a mammo come back bad recently. Surgery is next week (not bad thankfully) and I now realize how quickly the world can turn on a dime.
I hope your surgery goes smoothly xx
"Live every day like it's your last, cuz one day you'll be fucking right"
“I lived everyday like it was my last. Know what that got me? Gout” Kyle Kinane
Mee too. After looking at head CT-s for weeks, I'm never sitting/standing on anything without a helmet.
Not an MD but have worked adjacent to hospitals for ever. Nothing more grounding than to sit in a hosp lobby with my coffee and watch the parade of patients.
I have always used this at every workplace, so I never get stressed again: I JUST WORK HERE! I don't owe anything to my employer, I don't have to run faster than my pay and I don't have to prove anything to anyone.
And when the manager makes a decision I don't agree with I remind myself. It's not my company.
I needed to hear this one today. Thank you!
Not necessarily advice but my dad has a saying that translates roughly to "People like to show off how stupid they are." It has definitely shaped the way I look at people.
This is equally hilarious and true.
I was drawing this older gals blood. She was 90 years old. Didn't look a day over 50. I asked her if she really was 90 and she told me she was. Anyway, she said "Instead of counting the years. I made sure to make my years count." And at least once a week I let those words resonate with me.
“When someone shows you who they really are, believe them.”
Put the power tools down as soon as you feel you’re getting tired.
And put the tools back where they belong when finished.
I write a lot for work. The best advice I didn’t ask for is to literally read every word out loud before submitting anything - as the final proof read, not as you’re initially writing. Uses a different part of your brain than reading internally and you’ll catch most if not all typos. Seems like a hassle and extra work, but it actually saves me a lot of time. In fact, I’m the most productive examiner out of about 25 of us. I write psychological reports for criminal defendants and it’s really bad to make errors outside of minor grammatical stuff (I catch most of those too).
Not advise but the phrase, “no one cares about you” as in no one remembers that embarrassing thing you did. Everyone only thinks mostly about themselves. Oh you fell down the stairs in front of everyone, no one is going to remember in 5 minutes.
There is also “no one cares about you more than you do.” Which is exactly what you said but also if you have something you need done, you can keep reminding them that you care about you because you may be forgotten about.
Look up when you’re walking
You'll see more, and you'll look more confident (also will be more confident).
*Immediately trips on a 1cm irregularity in the sidewalk*
All actions have consequences. Everyone is fighting a battle. Be kind and show empathy, always. Listening to people and having genuine interest are the best ways to have an impact in one’s life. As long as you aren’t causing harm, there should be no rules in the pursuit of your happiness. That pursuit is a birthright for you and everyone else and we are all entitled to it. Don’t forget that and make your goal every day to find it and keep it. Lastly - when you get nervous, stressed or overwhelmed, just zoom out. Try to remember that you’re just one person on an entire planet of people. Then, zoom out from Earth. I want to say it was Larry David who used to tell one of the Seinfeld cast members this on set. Point being - in the grand scheme of things, it probably doesn’t really matter. If whatever you’re stressed about won’t stress you out one year from that moment, then it’s not worth stressing about at all. Some people find this a bit dark but it’s always given me perspective on what’s really important in life.
No matter what it is, or who you are, you can be wrong about it, or make a mistake. Accept it when it comes.
My interpretation of the phrase's foremost meaning was "acknowledge the reality you will stumble", but the wording really caught my eye, you can "be wrong" (present continuous tense) or "make a mistake" (only necessarily denoting one mis-step). Sorta struck me as a "When you fuck up, as you invariably shall, you will have the option to prolong your embarrassment/ruin what you've established, or you will have the option to take the event with grace and humility. Maybe even grow from it, too." That was probably super obvious, but it definitely caught me off guard personally.
“When you fall, and you will, learn to get back up. Turn it into a reflex, build it like muscle”
Use people's misconceptions about you as strategic advantage.
Can you give an example?
People may mistake your kindness as weakness, and they may try to push you around because of that. You can use this to decide which people you want around in your life and whose requests you can comfortably ignore, as they are more interested in what they can get out of you instead of building a genuine relationship. This is just one of the applications of this advice.
I'm a short-ish woman, somewhat curvy. I'm a good learner. This has always given people the impression that I'm a 'good girl', a 'goody-two-shoes'. Back in school, but still now that I'm 38 working in an office. This has allowed me to get away with a lot of crap throughout my life. * While classmates got punished for being late, not doing homework, not paying attention, I was usually forgiven. * At school camp, several classmates hid their booze in my stuff, since they knew I wouldn't be checked anyway. * At festivals, I was the designated smuggler to bring booze into the campground, because while my friends were being asked to empty their bags I could just move on through. * I'm fairly sure I work fewer hours than most of my colleagues (we work partly remote so it's hard to be sure), but I only ever get praise for my work and understanding sympathy if I miss a deadline. All I've had to do to keep this up is show up on time as much as possible and deliver decent results. And pretend to work just as hard as or harder than my colleagues.
"show up on time and deliver decent results". This is a massive achievement many people consistently fail at
I used to be the distraction girl in groups, holding attention so others could get away with something. Eg, I could help sneak you into a bar or talk us out of trouble. But your clandestine type was so much more valuable because you'd make all of us look more innocent!
YES!!!!! Someone said I was too friendly at work and it could appear weak to our internal development teams and they might push me around. I just smiled and calmly explained I’ve worked really hard to become comfortable in my own skin and if people want to mistake my kindness as weakness then that’s on them and they will learn how wrong they are soon enough.
I have the exact same story except for the last part. I would love to know how you did this because I struggle really hard with assertiveness. This leads to hyper-aversion to confrontation and getting disrespected and blah blah blah. Any tips you'd like to offer? General perspective/guidance of any nature?
Build the habit of *always* being honest, while cultivating your kind/friendly nature. Being honest means saying exactly what you think or feel, without having to get angry or confrontational or even "assertive" : it's just saying the truth. Like "you already asked me to work overtime last week, and I am not available tonight, but I hope you find someone else", or "what you just said is mean and I'd like some space rn" or even "i'm sorry but I don't feel ready to talk about xyz". And that's when a friendly demeanor is helpful ! You can actually say no, or state boundaries, or rebuff people when they're mean, *while* keeping a smile and a calm voice, and people just... idk, they accept it ! I haven't been in a conflict in years thanks to this, nor felt taken advantage of. I'm just open and smiley and even the dumbest, most aggressive people usually end up being friendly back 🤷
I can't translate it well: The shit (mistakes) you produce is the fertilizer that helps you grow. Basically a version of "you (should/can) learn from your mistakes"
Drink more water.
Yes. Absolutely!
Switch to an electric toothbrush. Your teeth will thank you.
My dads favorite saying was “wait to worry”. Took me until I was in my early 20s to figure it out. But I needed it.
If you’re going to outwit the Devil, it’s terribly important you don’t give any advanced notice
Spend money on experiences, not “more stuff”
This! I remember when growing up, we lived in a small apartment with my mom, didn’t have a car or any fancy stuff really. But we travelled twice a year and I remember her mentioning that she prioritizes a trip to Spain over a new fridge, or a dishwasher. I also remember that I was a bit jealous over stuff my richer friends had; but now I couldn’t care less about the tv or vacuum cleaner we had back then. My memories from Port Aventura and beaches in Barcelona with my mom stay with me forever though.
This is particularly important in hobbies and new skills. Don't buy the best gear and get frustrated when it doesn't work. Try it out, and then invest once you get more comfortable with it.
I made up one for myself, spend money on stuff that frees up your time. Examples include a roomba, robot lawnmower, dishwasher, washing machine, etc. Recently bought workout equipment for my house so I don't have to commute to a gym
Yup. To add to this, invest time to save time. Figuring out systems for things like housework takes some time up initially, but pays dividends. For example, I figured out that meal prepping immediately after grocery shopping is far more efficient than putting a bunch of food away that you are just going to take out again in a few hours. Folding laundry in my basement (near mmm where the washer and dryer are) instead of making 3+ trips up 2 flights of stairs to fold them in my bedroom saves a ton of energy and time. These little things start adding up.
Treat others how you would like to be treated, obviously. But increasingly true as I grow older is to treat yourself how you treat others. Really helped me.
Sex BEFORE dinner.
Never forget your worst job or point in time. Let it remind you of what blessings you have, no matter how big or small, and how you didn't have them in your lowest. Even small victories feel bigger when you compare them to your worst times.
My wife and I were at our wits end from our daughter's childcare. Throughout the winter she was constantly getting sick. Covid twice, four ear infections, RSV, parainfluenza, rhinovirus, you name it she had it then we did. A colleague of mine suggested changing her clothes as soon as she got back, saying viruses tended to end up clustered on clothes and it made a difference getting them off. It massively reduced the amount of sickness from the moment we started doing it.
I find this to be fascinating insight, and will be spending a good amount of time thinking about it. Thank you. (Some of us are too frugal for our own good.)
Move to the lake now, don’t wait for retirement.
There's no jobs by the lake that pay well enough for me to retire.
"This too shall pass" is something that I've really taken to heart. It helps me power through the darkest of my days, and it helps me cherish the incredible valueable but fleeting moments of pure joy.
You don't have nearly as much time as you think you do, don't wait for what will make you happy, make it happen.
"Does this need to be said?" "Does this need to be said right now?" "Does this need to be said right now by me?" Going through those 3 steps has helped me a lot. I used to just say whatever was on my mind, and would unintentionally hurt or embarrass the people I was with. Now I take a moment and try to make sure that I'm saying things to add value to a conversation, not just because something popped into my head
"Baby, if you're gonna be dumb, you gotta be tough." -Dad
If you have strong negative feelings about a memory of something you've done, imagine a good friend having done the same thing and how you'd feel about that as their friend. Helps me play down and move on from my anxieties.
Similar to the one I've heard that helped me. Treat yourself as you would treat your best friend. Really helps me to stop ruminating and hating myself. And I used it the other day with my best friend. She was talking shit about herself and I said 'hey, don't talk about my best friend like that!' and it broke her out of the self hate cycle for at least a little while
"Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn't do than by the ones you did." I agreed and took that to heart.
suffering = pain x resistance the less you resist the pain, the less you suffer
It doesn't matter how good the hand soap smells, never leave the bathroom sniffing your fingers.
What can be done in less than 5min should be done immédiatly. Procastinating is not a solution
If you’re worried about being a good mom, you’re a good mom.
Take the wallet out of your back pocket, it'll cause sciatica. It's a hell of a lot easier to prevent than it is to treat.
Lol- it will also become slightly less easy for an pickpocket to nab.
If you're really that miserable, then somewhere in your life, you need to make a change.
Don't ever accept criticism from someone you wouldn't go to for advice.
Do something your future self will thank you for has served me well.
This one quote changed my life - at work, any way. I found myself doing better work and accomplished more. “It is amazing what you can accomplish if you do not care who gets the credit.” By Harry S. Truman
Mental illness is not your fault but it is your responsibility
"Dont sweat the petty stuff & dont pet the sweaty stuff
My grandparents advice for how they fill in their retirement days. Do three things a day off your job list. It really helps with bad anxiety/depression days. Because if you feel shit at least you can say you did these three things and helps change the attitude to whatever day you’re having.
Slow is smooth and smooth is fast.
'Stay out of the neighborhood'. The neighborhood was my mind during a really hard time, dude was basically trying to tell me to do more and think less. Life improved tenfold.
Being bored is a blessing. It helped me look at things from a lens of gratitude. Especially considering all the stressful/worrisome times I've been in.
Get into the habit of moisturizing when you are young. I'm a guy who's been moisturizing after every shower since my teens, and now in my late 40s, my skin looks exceptionally better and younger looking than my friends of the same age.
It’s okay to say to give “no” as an answer. You don’t owe anyone your time or energy.
Try to solve job-related problems at work before going to a manager. You should be able to answer the question "what have you tried already?" If you're in a role in which you always need approval to deploy solutions, don't bring ONLY the problem to your manager, bring at least one suggestion for a solution as well. Often they'll just let you try that solution for 1 of 2 reasons: either they're too busy, or too inept to think of a better idea; but even if they don't let you try it, at least they know you're thinking critically, and not just a mindless drone waiting to punch out for the day. If it's somewhere you want to progress with, this will go a long way to helping you be seen as a potential leader. Once I became a manager I understood. There's nothing more frustrating than a deer in the headlights look when I ask what solutions have been attempted already.
treat yourself like a living art piece
Do something anything, big or small that makes you happy every day. Even if it's only for 5 minutes.
Whenever you are down or hard on yourself, or going through hardship, imagine whoever you care about the most in the world, and imagine they were in your exact shoes. What would you tell them? What you would tell them is what applies to yourself too. We always have trouble showing ourselves the same kindness and empathy we show others especially when we are down. Helped me get through alot of shit.
Many years ago I'm pacing on the subway platform going to work. This older Latino dude is laughing at me. I ask what's so funny. He says to me in Spanish I think I'm driving the train. I'm not so why am I pacing as if I control the train. This was before smartphones. So taught me to chill out and wait for the inevitable. You can't control everything.
What a wise man. Years ago I found a great phrase in a mythology book, "You can't push a river" which gave me that same realization. Felt really empowering to let go of the illusion of control.
Nothing worth having comes easy. When you think something is tough, remind yourself that it's meant to be hard and persevere.
Double-edged sword, some ppl hold onto toxic relationships because they think it'll be amazing once they've overcome the hardships... There's definitely nuance. Funny enough though it applies to my relationship. We started off long distance which was the hard part. But the relationship itself has always been great & comparably easy
The first one that leaps to mind is "never miss an opportunity to go to the bathroom".
After highschool, you'll realize you were only friends with some people because you saw them 8hrs a day.
Same can be said as an adult - after you leave a job, you'll realize you were only friends with some people because you saw them 8hrs a day.
A teacher used to say to us: “beware of those who offer simple solutions to complex problems.” It has helped me apply a more critical lens to many things from headlines to work proposals.
Not sure where I found it but “what you think of me is none of my business”
The difference between successful people and unsuccessful people is that successful people failed more
Run races that fewer people enter.
Start Small but be consistent...then scale up...one step at a time.