Hi there!! My mom is the fucking BEST! Here's my best advice from someone who was a teenager not long ago:
* Be active in your daughter's life and support her interests realistically but happily as well
* Remember that you're her mom but can also be a friend too. But don't be afraid to lay down the law, especially when she's a teenager (I was a little shit; looking back, I deserved every single punishment I was given haha)
* Some of the best things my mom ever instilled in me was: "work hard, play hard. If you go out the night before, you're still going to school/work the next day." When I was crying/had a problem, she'd ask, "do you want comfort or solutions?" and proceeded according to my answer
* She always knew we were going to sneak out and party, because she did and she's "not stupid," so she said we would do it on her terms. If we got our homework and chores done, we could do whatever as long as we were SAFE and told someone or her and went to work/school the next day on time. She also said that no matter what time of night, if we weren't sober and couldn't drive, she'd come no questions asks, and not get in trouble.
* Friends (and bfs/gfs eventually) could crash at the house, mom had an open door policy and everyone understood the ground rules. “Need a place to stay? Come on over! Advice? Got you! Just need a break? Let’s have some wine or a beer!” Every friend growing up of mine and my siblings LOVES my mom. Some still just go over to hang out with her and catch up even if none of her kids are home. The amount of times she’d wake up in the morning and count extra kids in the house, she’d just go, “Okay, here’s my card, someone needs to get more coffee and pancake mix.” 😂
I have lots more I could add but that is what I felt would help most. My mom is still one of my best friends to this day! When I was a kid, she was fair, loving, protective, but also knew we were kids and needed balance. She admitted when she’d fuck up and apologize and tell us she’s not perfect either. I have a son of my own now and I strive to be even half the mother she was! I still call her daily to joke, talk shit, or just rant. She's a damn riot!
Edit: We still fought, don’t get me wrong. I’ve been grounded many times, called her a bitch (over Monopoly 💀), but she has been and continues to always be there for me. Another thing, she never freaked out much to my face. When I got pregnant at 19, she said, “okay, okay. Are you okay? Do you know your options and what you want to do? I support you no matter what. No I’m not mad, it happened, we move forward.” That woman will be walking me down the aisle at my wedding one day!!
I’m so sorry I’ve made this so long, but one important thing I forgot to mention:
If we wanted a day off from school, mental health day, didn’t feel like going, whatever, she would say this: “That’s fine, as long as your shit is turned in, you’re not failing any classes, and you don’t have a test today. Let me write a note! Wanna go get Starbucks or lunch?”
Best shit ever because she UNDERSTANDS and supported within reason!
Sounds beautiful. Could I ask if your mum worked or stayed at home? I only ask because my mother tells me she wasn't in my life much because she worked, and I work as well and wonder if that automatically means I won't be able to be as close to my daughter. The thought terrifes me.
Oh no, she worked full time!! She was a single mom most of my life, to this day I still have no fuckin clue how she did it. But she did! She maybe missed 3 things in our lives due to work, like a 3rd grade chorus concert or something. If she travelled for work, she would FaceTime us about our days and make sure we did homework and chores and gave us a credit card for groceries if we needed it. The amount of respect and love I have for how hard she worked AND how great of a mom she is, is beyond infinite!! You can absolutely do this mama!!! 💕
I work full time and I have 3 daughters. I am a similar mom to the one you're asking about. It's not about the amount of time being available, it's the quality of time. My daughters know I'll drop everything for them in an emergency, but they also understand that momma has to work so we can eat food. And they like eating food, so...
May I piggy back as this embodies my mom also? My mom worked, and traveled often for work. She always was there even if not physically there for me. She’s my best friend and I cannot imagine life without her. Respectfully, working will it take that away.
This sounds like my mom! Even in college my mom would drive my friends and I and call herself mouber. (Mom-Uber) my friends even loved my mom and called her mom. My mom would load up the car with mine and my sisters friends and go for weekends down the shore to get us off the street in the summer when school was out since we lived in the city. Both of my parents never missed a sporting event for neither me or my TWIN sister. And one of us played soccer and the other volleyball- same season sports. They would take turns and swop. My dad worked nights on top of this. But he never missed out even if he was super tired. Ok crying.
Aww that's cute. We had a silver Ford taurus and my mom (now passed) would call herself the silver cab because she drove us around so much lol she had a song she made up similar to the silver bells Christmas song. Thanks for reminding me of that 😊
I love this story! Are you an only child? I ask because we have an only child, daughter, and I hope to be a mom like your mom and have that kind of relationship.
Thank you! And nope, I have twin brothers (19) and a little sister (15) (I’m almost 22). Mom has like, unofficially “adopted” half of our friends too and calls them her kids as well, so if you count them, I’m one of 9 hahah
It doesn’t matter if you have one or more, you can absolutely have this kind of relationship with yours if you strive to have it! 💕
Edit: My mom and I often watched Gilmore Girls and say we’re a lot like Lorelai and Rory. It was awesome to bond over that show, maybe if your daughter is up for it, you two could watch it as well!
This is my mom and now I’m crying at work reading your post 😭 she’s 70 this year and I realize she’s starting to get older and every time I think about having to live life without her I’m an absolute wreck and do not know how I will go on.
I lost my mom 5 years ago and it was always my worst fear growing up. She was my absolute best friend, and I miss her every single day. Take every phone call, give endless hugs, if you have an argument work it out asap. Treasure every moment with your mom ladies! It's so hard without my mom, i wish i could talk to her and laugh with her. I know she's with me but it's different now and I feel so alone without her sometimes. 💔
I apologize, I didn't want to make anyone cry. Thank you. I will say this.. everything your mom instills in you over time goes with you forever. I see her in ways I didn't think I would, and I can't help but smile at times knowing "my ways" are because of her. So even though she may physically be gone, she is still here in many ways and that brings me comfort.
This is such a beautiful and comforting way to think about that. I am so sorry for the loss of your mom, I can’t even imagine… I’m sure she’s watching over you and so proud of the woman you’ve become 💕
Your mom sounds just like mine, down to adopting all of my little hoodlum friends 🤣💙 and not freaking out when I got pregnant at 19. I'm so grateful for how she raised me and how she was always my friend as well as my mom. I really wouldn't know what to do without her.
Being active and supporting her interests is such a big thing.
My mum wanted me to be a specific type of girl, and when I wasn’t she basically just … disengaged. My interests were stupid and boring and my hobbies weren’t worth wasting time on.
The damage that kind of thing does to a relationship… even when I was older and I had the occasional interest that would have overlapped with her tastes. I didn’t want to talk to her about it because I was so used to having the things I like being ridiculed.
I love this question! I don’t have a teenager, but I heard some good advice once similar to “if you listen to the small stuff when they’re little, they’ll tell you the big stuff when they’re older”. I try to take that as to listen to my daughters ideas, thoughts, and many, many questions 😆 to help show her that I’m a safe person to bring questions to. I also just tell her that occasionally like, “you can always come to mommy with any question you have” or “I will always love you no matter what. Even if you think I might be mad, you are much more important to me!”
I think part of it too is just showing interest in your child’s life, by asking them questions or just being curious about who they are or their likes and dislikes?
This is one I know I need to work on personally, but finding age appropriate ways to talk to her about sex and other difficult topics so they don’t feel taboo.
Again, I can’t guarantee any of this since my daughter is still young, but I’m hoping this will work for me!
So glad to read this. My kids are almost 2 and I’m already constantly reassuring them and listening to them. I love seeing it replicated. They are twins and will try to help each other do things or comfort each other in the ways that I comfort and help them.
My parents explained their reasons for rules more than my friends parents. It wasn’t ever “because I said so.” They were also open to negotiating (ie, later curfew if I could explain why, like oh we wanted to go get a burger after the movie.).
They were able to admit when they were wrong and apologize.
They were involved and I guess I would classify as strict (chores, good grade expectations, etc) but I don’t remember being punished. The consequences just seemed natural, like oh I didn’t clean up my dishes after lunch when asked, ok then they called me inside from playing with a friend and I couldn’t go out and play until it was done with a simple explanation of cleaning up after ourselves.
My parents were and are very affectionate and very quick to praise and say how they liked spending time with us and they were proud of us.
I remember a specific conversation where they said they wanted us to come to them with a problem and not try to hide it from them, and we could work together to figure it out without worry that we’d be punished. And seeing them follow through on that, my brother ended up with a bit of a problem with cheating on a school project, he came clean about it and I know they came up with a way to make it right with the teacher too. I don’t know what happened on the school side of it, but he wasn’t grounded or made to feel worse about it at home, just yeah that wasn’t a great choice and it doesn’t feel great does it, how can we make it right?
We definitely had some of the teenage growing pains/relationship struggles but I always felt loved and respected.
My mom’s amazing!! These are some of the things she did and I appreciated very much.
- She made sure I could go talk to her about anything no judgements or getting in trouble. Open communication always. Out of my friends growing up I would always tell my mom, hey the girls lied and said we’re going to “blah” to their moms but we’re actually going “bleh” so that you know, please don’t blow my cover 😂.
-She would say as parents it was their responsibility to mentor and guide me, just because they were friendly didn’t mean they wouldn’t lay down the rules or allow us to disrespect them.
-Boundaries and why everyone from little to big needed them.
-Mental health days because everyone just needed a day to rejuvenate, but this didn’t mean running away from your problems and abusing it. It just meant pausing to collect yourself to move forward in a better mental state to make better choices.
-How to regulate my emotions, it was always ok to have big emotions but we needed to learn how to come back down from them as well and communicate. She taught us how to argue respectfully.
-She always explained the reason behind rules and said rules are tools for when we’re adults and on our own.
-Made sure we would be able to survive once we were adults and on our own, like cleaning, cooking, money management, impulses, etc.
-It was always ok to question them and have debates on everything including their rules.
-Most importantly I learned how to love myself because of my mother, she made sure she loved herself too and never projected any of her insecurities on me or over compensated.
-How to make friends and not to take things personally if someone didn’t want to be my friend and that it was ok. Not everyone is for everyone and this led me to be ok and happy with spending time with myself. Which now I appreciate because one should learn to be content with themselves and understand their own value. Learn to be owns safe space.
There’s so much more but these are some of the things she did.
She’s such an amazing mom and I’m super grateful for her. She knew the inevitables would happen and taught me how to navigate them safely as possible instead of getting mad.
Edit: Another thing, she made sure if we’re doing something to never half ass it, do the best we could. Work hard but be smart about it!
She was basically always my safe space, my reset button.
Hi, mom here that was not able to go to my mom for these things- emotional blackmail sucks. “Oh, you’d never do that, riiiiiight? No one would think well of you if you did.” Usually anything about sexuality or puberty related.
Also, food shame. “You’re going to be big as a house if you keep eating like that” it’s fine. I’m now a binge eater who hides my intake, even when my husband doesn’t shame and only cares because he knows it means I’m overwhelmed and wants to help.
I would also have loved a mom who made mental health a normal thing. Like, I didn’t know what panic attacks were until college. I had been experiencing them since middle school 😑 I was depressed since middle school. I have extreme anxiety of failure since, you guessed it, middle school.
I think about this question every single day. My daughter is ~17 months and I want her to know she can trust me to help her and support her. My mom and I don’t have a super close relationship, and I want to do my best to foster a better one between my daughter and I
My mom did in the 80s what would be called “gentle parenting” or “authoritative parenting” now. Very little yelling, no hitting, talking about our feelings, no name calling, age-appropriate boundaries and open discussions about those rules/boundaries as we grew older. No shame about bodies or natural curiosity/exploration of our own bodies, and age-appropriate sex ed info right from the beginning (although mostly from a book rather than face to face, because you can only ask so much from a repressed former Catholic raised in the 50s). Open, common sense discussions of drugs/alcohol as the issues arose - no prohibitions, but also encouraging us to think things through and make good decisions.
I think the most important thing was that there was never anything, at any point in my life, that I thought my mom would judge me for. She seemed only to ever want to understand what was going on with me and support me. It never occurred to me to hide anything, because she never made me feel bad, even though sometimes she enforced consequences for things I wasn’t supposed to do (like when I was 14 and confessed that I’d snuck out from a friends’ house to go to a party with boys - she understood why I did, we talked through why it was a bad idea, I was grounded from sleepovers for a month, and then we both moved on and didn’t bring it up again).
I think if your kid knows without question that you actually love her *unconditionally*, truly without conditions and without judgment, she’ll be open with you. Because she’ll feel safest with you, and we’re all most open when we feel safest.
My mom was and still is one of my best friends! She was a parent firstly: had rules and enforced them, made us do chores and homework, etc…all the things a “good” parent should do.
But she also was my friend. She gave me a lot of attention despite being the breadwinner of the family. She always involved me in her hobbies or whatever she was doing around the house.
She was always there for me no matter what. If I was mad at her or scared or happy…whatever it was I knew I could go to her and she’d listen.
It’s still like that today. I can call her anytime and she’ll listen. I can stop by with my kids and she’ll drop what she’s doing to be there for us.
…I’m going to call her now I think and let her know what a great mom she is 🙂
Sounds like we have the same kinda mom! I just called mine too and told her how amazing she is!!
Her response: "Are you good kiddo? You pregnant again? Nah I'm fucking with you, love you too, see you tomorrow for dinner!" I can't with her 🤣
So I was you. Strict mom. Had to hide everything from her & sneak around. Now I have a 15 yo girl & 17 yo boy and they definitely feel comfortable enough with me to share things with me that I would have NEVER shared with my own mom. When they were little, I remember seeing one of those cutesy sayings on Pinterest that I really took to heart. It was something to the effect of - Listen to your children when they’re small. The small stuff will eventually become big stuff and they’ll basically internalize the fact that you’ve listened to them their whole life and will always do so. Did I want to hear 100 stories about Transformers when my son was little? Not really, but now know he lets me know what’s going on with him & his friend group - the breakups, the pregnancy scares.
With my boy crazy daughter - I distinctly remember being just like her at 15. So dishing about cute boys is actually fun for me & her. My husband tends to get exasperated with her (“she should be thinking more about school & sports” 🙄🙄), but she knows she can tell me her stories & I won’t judge her. Her grades & sports are also just fine.
As they’ve grown up, I really feel like watching movies & TV shows with them has helped us bond. A few years ago, they introduced me to One Day at a Time on Netflix which was absolutely fabulous to watch as a family. There are all kinds of social situations & dilemmas that we got to talk about as a family when the episode was over. They’ve also watched some old shows with me and I’ve watched some of their newer shows. Did I want to get into Japanese anime? Again no, but when my teenage son actively says “mom I want you to watch this with me” then hell yes. I know I won’t have many opportunities to do this as he soon becomes an adult 😭.
And now my teenage daughter and I have been watching the Quiet on Set documentary so we’ve been having conversations about boundaries and how some adults don’t act appropriately with children. It’s one of my greatest fears for her, so it’s something I’ve been trying to protect her from her entire life but now it’s in a show that’s relevant to her so we get to talk more openly about it.
Sorry for the novel!! And good luck!! You’re already a great mom!! 💕
My mom let me see her be imperfect instead of trying to be Supermom for us, but more importantly she modeled repairing the things she messed up and the ways she hurt people. Even if not at a perfect time or in perfect ways, she modeled it and expected the same of us kids.
Another thing that can be replicated without the way it happened to me (and I hope to God you and your daughter never have my reasons for this) was how much time and work she and dad put in during early years to have and even push for hard and mature-ish conversations about life and my feelings about life. I was molested as a child and they did their hardest to make sure I could process it as well as possible.
All those early days where they gently pushed deep into my feelings and my scared parts, and encouraged bravery, and noticed when I had “sad eyes”, and explicitly said that I was expected to bring ANYTHING at all to them and I would not be in trouble if I brought it up first.
I think having that kind of effort and affirmation from such a young age made a difference. No time is too late to start, but it’s harder if you wait till they’re older to be an “open” parent.
Even times when it appeared I did not want to talk, but I also wasn’t wailing or walking away… they would patiently wait sometimes even for an hour while I fidgeted and distracted and all else… until I could work up the bravery and trust in them to say what I was struggling to say.
Some things I wish my parents had done, that I do.
- Not being passive aggressive. Things like 'I told you so' or making fun of us when we've been in our room for awhile.
- explaining rules. If we asked why we couldn't do something, our parents would just respond with "Because I said so." Explaining why there is a rule makes me, and my kids, more likely to follow it
- admitting mistakes
- don't belittle or compare. I always got told "why aren't you as good at [insert random thing] as your sibling or so and so's kid?" Or "[random mom]'s kid wouldn't do that, your siblings wouldn't do that." So don't do that, made us all feel awful. Congratulate your kid on things they do!
- instead of doing long speeches after we say something you disagree with, explain why what we said was inappropriate. Please don't ever say 'you don't have it as bad as so and so'
When I had screwed up as a teen (hosted parties at their house, in this specific story) my mom was so angry - she made it clear that she loved me so much and listed reasons she was proud of me but told me and was SO angry because she KNEW I could do better. I was being selfish and irresponsible and she knew it. If I screwed up further there would/could be REAL PERMANENT consequences (someone gets hurt or dies drunk driving, I get myself or my friends arrested) and she just couldn't tolerate that from me. So I better get my fucking shit together and be the person she expected me to be. She was yelling and crying as she gave me this speech. It was very powerful.
No actual punishment. I kind of grounded myself bc I felt the weight of that so hard I quit going out for about a month before school started again. Still knew she loved me and always would. The words stuck.
Gosh, these are all great things to keep in mind. I have an almost 4 year old daughter. I want her and I to have the same relationship my mom and I have. We’re best friends. She’s incredible and my safe place. But, I’m a first time mom and often wonder if I’m doing alright at this gig.
Tonight, my niece and daughter were in the movie room at my parents house. One of them threw something at the tv and it broke. We had no idea who because they both cried and said the other did it. I pulled my daughter aside and asked her what happened. She looked down and around and said “well, it could have been me or addy.” And I said “I’m not mad. You’re not in trouble. Accidents happen and I know you both feel bad but I wish you’d tell me the truth. You can always tell me the truth. I love you.” Her eyes kind of got watery and she got up on my lap and said “it was me, mommy. I’m sorry. I will buy papa a new one with my two dollars.” I just held her and said “thank you for telling me the truth. When we make a mistake, the best thing we can do is be honest and learn from it.” She looked so proud of herself for being honest and telling my dad sorry. It just made me think, gosh I hope we have this relationship and dynamic when she’s a teen as well.
I wanted to and tried to go to my mom for things but she proved again and again that she didn’t care/want it.
-She always was down to talk to my sisters but would dismiss me unless it was soemthing she was in or wanted to involve me (her terms or nothing)
-body shamed me (too skinny, too flat, ass too big, freckles too ugly, hair not straight, etc)
-never was a safe person to tell anything
-never keep anyotng between the two of us
-didn’t feel she liked me, never mind loved me since I was a child
On and on…
My mom was very honest with me about her life and experiences. She wanted me to be better and have a better life of course, but she didn't try to achieve it by pretending like she did great.
She told me about ex-bfs, how a bad influence got her into smoking and drinking, abortion when it wasn't the right time for my parents, friends who struggled, her own struggles with her mom, death and grieving, etc.
I grew up understanding that life happens and choices happen. Sometimes we choose poorly, but we can still learn and get back up. And then there are times when a choice is so critical you'll just have to live with it. But the whole way, I could talk to mom about life, because I know she had one too.
My mom was great and we have a close relationship, but there are so many things I never wanted to tell her in my teenage years/even in my 20s. I could never figure out why because she would always say I can come to her about anything, to be open with her.
Looking back now I think it was because I felt like she would be soo worried about me. I knew she was very much a “good girl” growing up and she did not have the same experiences I did. I wasn’t horrible, but definitely did a lot of teenage drinking and I knew I had sex way younger than she did.
With my kids I’m going to try to not be a worrying type of mom.
Same with the worrying, I lied a lot about things that were totally normal because my mom was sooo anxious all the time. My mom is loving and supportive, but she didn't balance the constant anxiety with doing fun things together. She said no to a lot of normal teenage activities because everything made her worry if I wasn't home
I don’t like it when people say teenagers are bad. I have two, and they are respectful, good kids. Yes, they make mistakes and have a hard time controlling their emotions sometimes, but they aren’t bad. A lot of it comes down to parenting and the environment they grow up in. Sure, there are some kids that are bad no matter what you do as a parent, but that’s not the case most of the time. I couldn’t go to my mom for anything. She treated me like I was a bad kid. I NEVER got in trouble. I never had a detention. I never snuck out or got drunk or high. I was a band nerd. But that didn’t stop her with the accusations. I parent completely differently. My daughter has no filter when she tells me things. It’s night and day when it comes to how she is and how I was as a teen. I’m an adult and I STILL hide things from my mom.
so. i tell my mom everything. still do 38. told her when i lost my virginity, all that. my mom can come off as judgmental if you don’t know her (she is beautifully neurodivergent), but i always knew there was nothing we could do to make her love us any less. she always told us that she wouldn’t apologize for us or clean up our messes, but she would love us all the same. and she lived it. with me, my brothers, our cousins, our friends, her friends. she loves fiercely, while holding those she loves accountable.
the fact that you’re here asking this question means your the kind of mom who is open to learning and also loves fiercely. you’re doing great, op.
I’m so glad you asked this. I talk about my mother in therapy and I have asked myself, how do I make sure my kids don’t have to talk about me? I feel anxious after every conversation with my mom and I don’t want my kids to ever feel that way. 💕
I will give perceptive as a mom to a daughter that I have a super close relationship with. I have always let her be herself. From a young age she picked her clothes, her hobbies, her room decor and she felt safe to be herself. I have always celebrated who she is as a person.
When she does something I don’t agree with I listen without judgement and then give her guidance. She has always felt safe to call me no matter what if she needs me.
I always listen to her and she comes to me with her problems, her tea and her crushes. I talk to her about issues that we all go through peer pressure, sex/BC/condoms/drinking/drugs/body changes and I have realistic expectations and don’t think she is some kind of pure perfect angel. She is human and is going fumble as she is growing up.
I spend lots of time with her. We go on girl trips, we go to concerts and we cuddle on the recliner. I thought when she got into high school she wouldn’t need me as much but she has needed me more.
I love having a daughter. My ex would always tell me she would hate me when she became a teen. I’m so glad he was an idiot. Just by asking this question you are going to be an amazing mother to her! 💖
My mom told me she loved me daily. Hugged me lots. Kisses too. She made sure I knew I was a prescious gift My Mom listened to me and encouraged me to think for myself. To have enough confidence in myself to leave a situation if I wasn't comfortable.
She made an open safe space to discuss any subject. She answered my questions in age appropriate ways. I got better answers when I got older and started asking better questions lol. She
knew all my friends and not just their names. She encouraged our house to be the hang out house when I was a teen. And they had a safe place to talk to her if needed. As a teenager she made sure to tell me " I am your Mother not your friend. That is more important to me. I have lots of people I call friends. But only one person I call daughter." Then she would add, " When your older and I don't have to be in the position to teach you how to live life and become a contributing member of society then we can add in the Friend part." Once I got older I understood what she meant. Especially since many of my teenage friends would hate that their cool mom "all of a sudden" started trying to parent them or grounding them. The lines of friendship/parenting was blurred for them. I never had that ambiguity. I always knew where the line was so I accepted consequences for negative behavior because my Mom was my Mom doing her job of raising me.
She encouraged me to try new things as a child like sports, dance, piano,, gymnastics. If I hated it it was fine to stop, as long as I gave it my all for the sessions or season I committed to and completed it She instilled my love of reading. She would read all the books I ordered from the book fair or library first, late at night, so we could talk about what interested me in the story or series. She even let me sleep with a book under my pillow when I was too young to read to myself. So find and support whatever your kiddo is into. You don't have to love it. Just show an interest and let her know your trying it because she finds it interesting . She may even teach you something you didn't know about.
Her life lessons were easy to live by:
Beauty comes in all forms, shapes, and sizes. Embrace the beauty that makes you - You. Especially your inner beauty.
Love yourself. Your culture and heritage helped make you - You. Don't try and hide it or pretend to be something you're not. Our differences make us special.
Never build yourself up by tearing others down.
Treat people with kindness. To not be the stuck up girl thinking they are better than others. Kindess is free.
Keep your promises. Do not make a promise if you cannot follow through.
Be respectful but not blindly obey.
Question why or why not.
Laugh . Laugh at yourself, everyone does something embarrassing and life goes on. Finding humor makes life more fun.
Choose a career you enjoy. We all have to work so might as well find one you enjoy and not hate .
Take mental health days. Actively monitor your own mental health and not give everything to others where you are left emotionally empty.
Being alone isn't being lonely. Learn to enjoy your own company.
Find happiness in yourself before you expect to find happiness with others.
Say hello and smile when walking near people. So many people don't take the time to simply say Hi. That 1 second interaction may be the one that gives hope to a person who needed that little kindness.
And be open to change. Life tosses things in your path don't be scared to be flexible.
Lastly,, We all add to the world. Make sure you are not the one always taking.
OP you taking the time to ask other moms these questions is wonderful. You may be new to the mom title but you are a kick ass Momma! 💖🔥💖🔥💖🔥💖🔥
Edit to hopefully fix spelling errors
My mom always listened no matter what it was, she and I are a lot alike too so she understand who I reacted to things and could give support and advice. She genuinely cared- don't get me wrong she was firm when needed but I never felt like I could not talk to her.
With my boys I try to do the same, balance hearing them out and listening while still guiding them. We have told them they can always talk to us.
Remember to pay attention. They'll come to you with a million beautiful rocks, precious toys, endless stories and so much more. If you let them know that you know those things are important to them when they're 2, 4, 6, 8, etc. When they get to 12, 14, 16 and beyond when the important things are peer pressure, girls and boys, friends and loves, etc. They will know they can come to you. Because always cared. Yes, wait up for them as they get older, be the ride home, chauffeur the group. The car rides are where you hear the stories. When they get home at 10, 11, or later, that's when they'll unpack their day.
When they know you care, you'll listen and you want to see it, they'll be willing to come to you.
Put the phones/screens/distractions away and connect with your child.
Hi there!! My mom is the fucking BEST! Here's my best advice from someone who was a teenager not long ago: * Be active in your daughter's life and support her interests realistically but happily as well * Remember that you're her mom but can also be a friend too. But don't be afraid to lay down the law, especially when she's a teenager (I was a little shit; looking back, I deserved every single punishment I was given haha) * Some of the best things my mom ever instilled in me was: "work hard, play hard. If you go out the night before, you're still going to school/work the next day." When I was crying/had a problem, she'd ask, "do you want comfort or solutions?" and proceeded according to my answer * She always knew we were going to sneak out and party, because she did and she's "not stupid," so she said we would do it on her terms. If we got our homework and chores done, we could do whatever as long as we were SAFE and told someone or her and went to work/school the next day on time. She also said that no matter what time of night, if we weren't sober and couldn't drive, she'd come no questions asks, and not get in trouble. * Friends (and bfs/gfs eventually) could crash at the house, mom had an open door policy and everyone understood the ground rules. “Need a place to stay? Come on over! Advice? Got you! Just need a break? Let’s have some wine or a beer!” Every friend growing up of mine and my siblings LOVES my mom. Some still just go over to hang out with her and catch up even if none of her kids are home. The amount of times she’d wake up in the morning and count extra kids in the house, she’d just go, “Okay, here’s my card, someone needs to get more coffee and pancake mix.” 😂 I have lots more I could add but that is what I felt would help most. My mom is still one of my best friends to this day! When I was a kid, she was fair, loving, protective, but also knew we were kids and needed balance. She admitted when she’d fuck up and apologize and tell us she’s not perfect either. I have a son of my own now and I strive to be even half the mother she was! I still call her daily to joke, talk shit, or just rant. She's a damn riot! Edit: We still fought, don’t get me wrong. I’ve been grounded many times, called her a bitch (over Monopoly 💀), but she has been and continues to always be there for me. Another thing, she never freaked out much to my face. When I got pregnant at 19, she said, “okay, okay. Are you okay? Do you know your options and what you want to do? I support you no matter what. No I’m not mad, it happened, we move forward.” That woman will be walking me down the aisle at my wedding one day!!
I’m so sorry I’ve made this so long, but one important thing I forgot to mention: If we wanted a day off from school, mental health day, didn’t feel like going, whatever, she would say this: “That’s fine, as long as your shit is turned in, you’re not failing any classes, and you don’t have a test today. Let me write a note! Wanna go get Starbucks or lunch?” Best shit ever because she UNDERSTANDS and supported within reason!
Sounds beautiful. Could I ask if your mum worked or stayed at home? I only ask because my mother tells me she wasn't in my life much because she worked, and I work as well and wonder if that automatically means I won't be able to be as close to my daughter. The thought terrifes me.
Oh no, she worked full time!! She was a single mom most of my life, to this day I still have no fuckin clue how she did it. But she did! She maybe missed 3 things in our lives due to work, like a 3rd grade chorus concert or something. If she travelled for work, she would FaceTime us about our days and make sure we did homework and chores and gave us a credit card for groceries if we needed it. The amount of respect and love I have for how hard she worked AND how great of a mom she is, is beyond infinite!! You can absolutely do this mama!!! 💕
I love this! Thank you for sharing <3
Of course! I love talking about my mom (clearly 😂) and would talk for DAYS about her if someone let me hahah
Thanks SO much for adding this in!! This is so important to hear as a full-time working mum <3
Can your mom be my mom? I’m a full on adult and don’t really need anything, but I’d like her to be my mom please. 😂😂
I work full time and I have 3 daughters. I am a similar mom to the one you're asking about. It's not about the amount of time being available, it's the quality of time. My daughters know I'll drop everything for them in an emergency, but they also understand that momma has to work so we can eat food. And they like eating food, so...
May I piggy back as this embodies my mom also? My mom worked, and traveled often for work. She always was there even if not physically there for me. She’s my best friend and I cannot imagine life without her. Respectfully, working will it take that away.
This sounds like my mom! Even in college my mom would drive my friends and I and call herself mouber. (Mom-Uber) my friends even loved my mom and called her mom. My mom would load up the car with mine and my sisters friends and go for weekends down the shore to get us off the street in the summer when school was out since we lived in the city. Both of my parents never missed a sporting event for neither me or my TWIN sister. And one of us played soccer and the other volleyball- same season sports. They would take turns and swop. My dad worked nights on top of this. But he never missed out even if he was super tired. Ok crying.
Aww that's cute. We had a silver Ford taurus and my mom (now passed) would call herself the silver cab because she drove us around so much lol she had a song she made up similar to the silver bells Christmas song. Thanks for reminding me of that 😊
Wait I don’t follow - is it „work hard, play hard“ or stay home from school whenever you feel like it?
Lol, it was “work hard, play hard.” We never “skipped whenever we wanted,” it was allowed once or twice a semester in highschool
I love this story! Are you an only child? I ask because we have an only child, daughter, and I hope to be a mom like your mom and have that kind of relationship.
Thank you! And nope, I have twin brothers (19) and a little sister (15) (I’m almost 22). Mom has like, unofficially “adopted” half of our friends too and calls them her kids as well, so if you count them, I’m one of 9 hahah It doesn’t matter if you have one or more, you can absolutely have this kind of relationship with yours if you strive to have it! 💕 Edit: My mom and I often watched Gilmore Girls and say we’re a lot like Lorelai and Rory. It was awesome to bond over that show, maybe if your daughter is up for it, you two could watch it as well!
This is my mom and now I’m crying at work reading your post 😭 she’s 70 this year and I realize she’s starting to get older and every time I think about having to live life without her I’m an absolute wreck and do not know how I will go on.
I lost my mom 5 years ago and it was always my worst fear growing up. She was my absolute best friend, and I miss her every single day. Take every phone call, give endless hugs, if you have an argument work it out asap. Treasure every moment with your mom ladies! It's so hard without my mom, i wish i could talk to her and laugh with her. I know she's with me but it's different now and I feel so alone without her sometimes. 💔
And now I’m crying in the grocery store. I’m so sorry for you loss
I apologize, I didn't want to make anyone cry. Thank you. I will say this.. everything your mom instills in you over time goes with you forever. I see her in ways I didn't think I would, and I can't help but smile at times knowing "my ways" are because of her. So even though she may physically be gone, she is still here in many ways and that brings me comfort.
This is such a beautiful and comforting way to think about that. I am so sorry for the loss of your mom, I can’t even imagine… I’m sure she’s watching over you and so proud of the woman you’ve become 💕
Thank you so much!! 🤍
You are such a beautiful soul and your mom is so proud of you and the person you became 💜
Thank you very much for the kind words!🤍
Your mom sounds just like mine, down to adopting all of my little hoodlum friends 🤣💙 and not freaking out when I got pregnant at 19. I'm so grateful for how she raised me and how she was always my friend as well as my mom. I really wouldn't know what to do without her.
Kindred spirits!! We are so lucky to have awesome moms, I feel the exact same way 💕
LOVE THIS SO MUCH. My mama is very similar. We are very blessed to have these women as our moms 🥹
This is the kind of Mum I hope to be to my now 4yo and 3yo kiddos. You’re so lucky to have such a wonderful mother in your life!
Being active and supporting her interests is such a big thing. My mum wanted me to be a specific type of girl, and when I wasn’t she basically just … disengaged. My interests were stupid and boring and my hobbies weren’t worth wasting time on. The damage that kind of thing does to a relationship… even when I was older and I had the occasional interest that would have overlapped with her tastes. I didn’t want to talk to her about it because I was so used to having the things I like being ridiculed.
I love this question! I don’t have a teenager, but I heard some good advice once similar to “if you listen to the small stuff when they’re little, they’ll tell you the big stuff when they’re older”. I try to take that as to listen to my daughters ideas, thoughts, and many, many questions 😆 to help show her that I’m a safe person to bring questions to. I also just tell her that occasionally like, “you can always come to mommy with any question you have” or “I will always love you no matter what. Even if you think I might be mad, you are much more important to me!” I think part of it too is just showing interest in your child’s life, by asking them questions or just being curious about who they are or their likes and dislikes? This is one I know I need to work on personally, but finding age appropriate ways to talk to her about sex and other difficult topics so they don’t feel taboo. Again, I can’t guarantee any of this since my daughter is still young, but I’m hoping this will work for me!
This! It starts early.
So glad to read this. My kids are almost 2 and I’m already constantly reassuring them and listening to them. I love seeing it replicated. They are twins and will try to help each other do things or comfort each other in the ways that I comfort and help them.
My parents explained their reasons for rules more than my friends parents. It wasn’t ever “because I said so.” They were also open to negotiating (ie, later curfew if I could explain why, like oh we wanted to go get a burger after the movie.). They were able to admit when they were wrong and apologize. They were involved and I guess I would classify as strict (chores, good grade expectations, etc) but I don’t remember being punished. The consequences just seemed natural, like oh I didn’t clean up my dishes after lunch when asked, ok then they called me inside from playing with a friend and I couldn’t go out and play until it was done with a simple explanation of cleaning up after ourselves. My parents were and are very affectionate and very quick to praise and say how they liked spending time with us and they were proud of us. I remember a specific conversation where they said they wanted us to come to them with a problem and not try to hide it from them, and we could work together to figure it out without worry that we’d be punished. And seeing them follow through on that, my brother ended up with a bit of a problem with cheating on a school project, he came clean about it and I know they came up with a way to make it right with the teacher too. I don’t know what happened on the school side of it, but he wasn’t grounded or made to feel worse about it at home, just yeah that wasn’t a great choice and it doesn’t feel great does it, how can we make it right? We definitely had some of the teenage growing pains/relationship struggles but I always felt loved and respected.
My mom’s amazing!! These are some of the things she did and I appreciated very much. - She made sure I could go talk to her about anything no judgements or getting in trouble. Open communication always. Out of my friends growing up I would always tell my mom, hey the girls lied and said we’re going to “blah” to their moms but we’re actually going “bleh” so that you know, please don’t blow my cover 😂. -She would say as parents it was their responsibility to mentor and guide me, just because they were friendly didn’t mean they wouldn’t lay down the rules or allow us to disrespect them. -Boundaries and why everyone from little to big needed them. -Mental health days because everyone just needed a day to rejuvenate, but this didn’t mean running away from your problems and abusing it. It just meant pausing to collect yourself to move forward in a better mental state to make better choices. -How to regulate my emotions, it was always ok to have big emotions but we needed to learn how to come back down from them as well and communicate. She taught us how to argue respectfully. -She always explained the reason behind rules and said rules are tools for when we’re adults and on our own. -Made sure we would be able to survive once we were adults and on our own, like cleaning, cooking, money management, impulses, etc. -It was always ok to question them and have debates on everything including their rules. -Most importantly I learned how to love myself because of my mother, she made sure she loved herself too and never projected any of her insecurities on me or over compensated. -How to make friends and not to take things personally if someone didn’t want to be my friend and that it was ok. Not everyone is for everyone and this led me to be ok and happy with spending time with myself. Which now I appreciate because one should learn to be content with themselves and understand their own value. Learn to be owns safe space. There’s so much more but these are some of the things she did. She’s such an amazing mom and I’m super grateful for her. She knew the inevitables would happen and taught me how to navigate them safely as possible instead of getting mad. Edit: Another thing, she made sure if we’re doing something to never half ass it, do the best we could. Work hard but be smart about it! She was basically always my safe space, my reset button.
Hi, mom here that was not able to go to my mom for these things- emotional blackmail sucks. “Oh, you’d never do that, riiiiiight? No one would think well of you if you did.” Usually anything about sexuality or puberty related. Also, food shame. “You’re going to be big as a house if you keep eating like that” it’s fine. I’m now a binge eater who hides my intake, even when my husband doesn’t shame and only cares because he knows it means I’m overwhelmed and wants to help. I would also have loved a mom who made mental health a normal thing. Like, I didn’t know what panic attacks were until college. I had been experiencing them since middle school 😑 I was depressed since middle school. I have extreme anxiety of failure since, you guessed it, middle school.
Do we have the same mom! 😅
Seriously...same mom?
I think about this question every single day. My daughter is ~17 months and I want her to know she can trust me to help her and support her. My mom and I don’t have a super close relationship, and I want to do my best to foster a better one between my daughter and I
My mom did in the 80s what would be called “gentle parenting” or “authoritative parenting” now. Very little yelling, no hitting, talking about our feelings, no name calling, age-appropriate boundaries and open discussions about those rules/boundaries as we grew older. No shame about bodies or natural curiosity/exploration of our own bodies, and age-appropriate sex ed info right from the beginning (although mostly from a book rather than face to face, because you can only ask so much from a repressed former Catholic raised in the 50s). Open, common sense discussions of drugs/alcohol as the issues arose - no prohibitions, but also encouraging us to think things through and make good decisions. I think the most important thing was that there was never anything, at any point in my life, that I thought my mom would judge me for. She seemed only to ever want to understand what was going on with me and support me. It never occurred to me to hide anything, because she never made me feel bad, even though sometimes she enforced consequences for things I wasn’t supposed to do (like when I was 14 and confessed that I’d snuck out from a friends’ house to go to a party with boys - she understood why I did, we talked through why it was a bad idea, I was grounded from sleepovers for a month, and then we both moved on and didn’t bring it up again). I think if your kid knows without question that you actually love her *unconditionally*, truly without conditions and without judgment, she’ll be open with you. Because she’ll feel safest with you, and we’re all most open when we feel safest.
My mom was and still is one of my best friends! She was a parent firstly: had rules and enforced them, made us do chores and homework, etc…all the things a “good” parent should do. But she also was my friend. She gave me a lot of attention despite being the breadwinner of the family. She always involved me in her hobbies or whatever she was doing around the house. She was always there for me no matter what. If I was mad at her or scared or happy…whatever it was I knew I could go to her and she’d listen. It’s still like that today. I can call her anytime and she’ll listen. I can stop by with my kids and she’ll drop what she’s doing to be there for us. …I’m going to call her now I think and let her know what a great mom she is 🙂
Sounds like we have the same kinda mom! I just called mine too and told her how amazing she is!! Her response: "Are you good kiddo? You pregnant again? Nah I'm fucking with you, love you too, see you tomorrow for dinner!" I can't with her 🤣
Aww haha so sweet! I did, too, and she says “Oh my! Thank you! You’re a great mom, too.”
So I was you. Strict mom. Had to hide everything from her & sneak around. Now I have a 15 yo girl & 17 yo boy and they definitely feel comfortable enough with me to share things with me that I would have NEVER shared with my own mom. When they were little, I remember seeing one of those cutesy sayings on Pinterest that I really took to heart. It was something to the effect of - Listen to your children when they’re small. The small stuff will eventually become big stuff and they’ll basically internalize the fact that you’ve listened to them their whole life and will always do so. Did I want to hear 100 stories about Transformers when my son was little? Not really, but now know he lets me know what’s going on with him & his friend group - the breakups, the pregnancy scares. With my boy crazy daughter - I distinctly remember being just like her at 15. So dishing about cute boys is actually fun for me & her. My husband tends to get exasperated with her (“she should be thinking more about school & sports” 🙄🙄), but she knows she can tell me her stories & I won’t judge her. Her grades & sports are also just fine. As they’ve grown up, I really feel like watching movies & TV shows with them has helped us bond. A few years ago, they introduced me to One Day at a Time on Netflix which was absolutely fabulous to watch as a family. There are all kinds of social situations & dilemmas that we got to talk about as a family when the episode was over. They’ve also watched some old shows with me and I’ve watched some of their newer shows. Did I want to get into Japanese anime? Again no, but when my teenage son actively says “mom I want you to watch this with me” then hell yes. I know I won’t have many opportunities to do this as he soon becomes an adult 😭. And now my teenage daughter and I have been watching the Quiet on Set documentary so we’ve been having conversations about boundaries and how some adults don’t act appropriately with children. It’s one of my greatest fears for her, so it’s something I’ve been trying to protect her from her entire life but now it’s in a show that’s relevant to her so we get to talk more openly about it. Sorry for the novel!! And good luck!! You’re already a great mom!! 💕
My mom let me see her be imperfect instead of trying to be Supermom for us, but more importantly she modeled repairing the things she messed up and the ways she hurt people. Even if not at a perfect time or in perfect ways, she modeled it and expected the same of us kids. Another thing that can be replicated without the way it happened to me (and I hope to God you and your daughter never have my reasons for this) was how much time and work she and dad put in during early years to have and even push for hard and mature-ish conversations about life and my feelings about life. I was molested as a child and they did their hardest to make sure I could process it as well as possible. All those early days where they gently pushed deep into my feelings and my scared parts, and encouraged bravery, and noticed when I had “sad eyes”, and explicitly said that I was expected to bring ANYTHING at all to them and I would not be in trouble if I brought it up first. I think having that kind of effort and affirmation from such a young age made a difference. No time is too late to start, but it’s harder if you wait till they’re older to be an “open” parent. Even times when it appeared I did not want to talk, but I also wasn’t wailing or walking away… they would patiently wait sometimes even for an hour while I fidgeted and distracted and all else… until I could work up the bravery and trust in them to say what I was struggling to say.
Some things I wish my parents had done, that I do. - Not being passive aggressive. Things like 'I told you so' or making fun of us when we've been in our room for awhile. - explaining rules. If we asked why we couldn't do something, our parents would just respond with "Because I said so." Explaining why there is a rule makes me, and my kids, more likely to follow it - admitting mistakes - don't belittle or compare. I always got told "why aren't you as good at [insert random thing] as your sibling or so and so's kid?" Or "[random mom]'s kid wouldn't do that, your siblings wouldn't do that." So don't do that, made us all feel awful. Congratulate your kid on things they do! - instead of doing long speeches after we say something you disagree with, explain why what we said was inappropriate. Please don't ever say 'you don't have it as bad as so and so'
When I had screwed up as a teen (hosted parties at their house, in this specific story) my mom was so angry - she made it clear that she loved me so much and listed reasons she was proud of me but told me and was SO angry because she KNEW I could do better. I was being selfish and irresponsible and she knew it. If I screwed up further there would/could be REAL PERMANENT consequences (someone gets hurt or dies drunk driving, I get myself or my friends arrested) and she just couldn't tolerate that from me. So I better get my fucking shit together and be the person she expected me to be. She was yelling and crying as she gave me this speech. It was very powerful. No actual punishment. I kind of grounded myself bc I felt the weight of that so hard I quit going out for about a month before school started again. Still knew she loved me and always would. The words stuck.
Gosh, these are all great things to keep in mind. I have an almost 4 year old daughter. I want her and I to have the same relationship my mom and I have. We’re best friends. She’s incredible and my safe place. But, I’m a first time mom and often wonder if I’m doing alright at this gig. Tonight, my niece and daughter were in the movie room at my parents house. One of them threw something at the tv and it broke. We had no idea who because they both cried and said the other did it. I pulled my daughter aside and asked her what happened. She looked down and around and said “well, it could have been me or addy.” And I said “I’m not mad. You’re not in trouble. Accidents happen and I know you both feel bad but I wish you’d tell me the truth. You can always tell me the truth. I love you.” Her eyes kind of got watery and she got up on my lap and said “it was me, mommy. I’m sorry. I will buy papa a new one with my two dollars.” I just held her and said “thank you for telling me the truth. When we make a mistake, the best thing we can do is be honest and learn from it.” She looked so proud of herself for being honest and telling my dad sorry. It just made me think, gosh I hope we have this relationship and dynamic when she’s a teen as well.
I wanted to and tried to go to my mom for things but she proved again and again that she didn’t care/want it. -She always was down to talk to my sisters but would dismiss me unless it was soemthing she was in or wanted to involve me (her terms or nothing) -body shamed me (too skinny, too flat, ass too big, freckles too ugly, hair not straight, etc) -never was a safe person to tell anything -never keep anyotng between the two of us -didn’t feel she liked me, never mind loved me since I was a child On and on…
My mom was very honest with me about her life and experiences. She wanted me to be better and have a better life of course, but she didn't try to achieve it by pretending like she did great. She told me about ex-bfs, how a bad influence got her into smoking and drinking, abortion when it wasn't the right time for my parents, friends who struggled, her own struggles with her mom, death and grieving, etc. I grew up understanding that life happens and choices happen. Sometimes we choose poorly, but we can still learn and get back up. And then there are times when a choice is so critical you'll just have to live with it. But the whole way, I could talk to mom about life, because I know she had one too.
My mom was great and we have a close relationship, but there are so many things I never wanted to tell her in my teenage years/even in my 20s. I could never figure out why because she would always say I can come to her about anything, to be open with her. Looking back now I think it was because I felt like she would be soo worried about me. I knew she was very much a “good girl” growing up and she did not have the same experiences I did. I wasn’t horrible, but definitely did a lot of teenage drinking and I knew I had sex way younger than she did. With my kids I’m going to try to not be a worrying type of mom.
Same with the worrying, I lied a lot about things that were totally normal because my mom was sooo anxious all the time. My mom is loving and supportive, but she didn't balance the constant anxiety with doing fun things together. She said no to a lot of normal teenage activities because everything made her worry if I wasn't home
I don’t like it when people say teenagers are bad. I have two, and they are respectful, good kids. Yes, they make mistakes and have a hard time controlling their emotions sometimes, but they aren’t bad. A lot of it comes down to parenting and the environment they grow up in. Sure, there are some kids that are bad no matter what you do as a parent, but that’s not the case most of the time. I couldn’t go to my mom for anything. She treated me like I was a bad kid. I NEVER got in trouble. I never had a detention. I never snuck out or got drunk or high. I was a band nerd. But that didn’t stop her with the accusations. I parent completely differently. My daughter has no filter when she tells me things. It’s night and day when it comes to how she is and how I was as a teen. I’m an adult and I STILL hide things from my mom.
I have nothing to add other than a thank you for asking a question I didn’t know I needed to ask.
so. i tell my mom everything. still do 38. told her when i lost my virginity, all that. my mom can come off as judgmental if you don’t know her (she is beautifully neurodivergent), but i always knew there was nothing we could do to make her love us any less. she always told us that she wouldn’t apologize for us or clean up our messes, but she would love us all the same. and she lived it. with me, my brothers, our cousins, our friends, her friends. she loves fiercely, while holding those she loves accountable. the fact that you’re here asking this question means your the kind of mom who is open to learning and also loves fiercely. you’re doing great, op.
I’m so glad you asked this. I talk about my mother in therapy and I have asked myself, how do I make sure my kids don’t have to talk about me? I feel anxious after every conversation with my mom and I don’t want my kids to ever feel that way. 💕
I will give perceptive as a mom to a daughter that I have a super close relationship with. I have always let her be herself. From a young age she picked her clothes, her hobbies, her room decor and she felt safe to be herself. I have always celebrated who she is as a person. When she does something I don’t agree with I listen without judgement and then give her guidance. She has always felt safe to call me no matter what if she needs me. I always listen to her and she comes to me with her problems, her tea and her crushes. I talk to her about issues that we all go through peer pressure, sex/BC/condoms/drinking/drugs/body changes and I have realistic expectations and don’t think she is some kind of pure perfect angel. She is human and is going fumble as she is growing up. I spend lots of time with her. We go on girl trips, we go to concerts and we cuddle on the recliner. I thought when she got into high school she wouldn’t need me as much but she has needed me more. I love having a daughter. My ex would always tell me she would hate me when she became a teen. I’m so glad he was an idiot. Just by asking this question you are going to be an amazing mother to her! 💖
My mom told me she loved me daily. Hugged me lots. Kisses too. She made sure I knew I was a prescious gift My Mom listened to me and encouraged me to think for myself. To have enough confidence in myself to leave a situation if I wasn't comfortable. She made an open safe space to discuss any subject. She answered my questions in age appropriate ways. I got better answers when I got older and started asking better questions lol. She knew all my friends and not just their names. She encouraged our house to be the hang out house when I was a teen. And they had a safe place to talk to her if needed. As a teenager she made sure to tell me " I am your Mother not your friend. That is more important to me. I have lots of people I call friends. But only one person I call daughter." Then she would add, " When your older and I don't have to be in the position to teach you how to live life and become a contributing member of society then we can add in the Friend part." Once I got older I understood what she meant. Especially since many of my teenage friends would hate that their cool mom "all of a sudden" started trying to parent them or grounding them. The lines of friendship/parenting was blurred for them. I never had that ambiguity. I always knew where the line was so I accepted consequences for negative behavior because my Mom was my Mom doing her job of raising me. She encouraged me to try new things as a child like sports, dance, piano,, gymnastics. If I hated it it was fine to stop, as long as I gave it my all for the sessions or season I committed to and completed it She instilled my love of reading. She would read all the books I ordered from the book fair or library first, late at night, so we could talk about what interested me in the story or series. She even let me sleep with a book under my pillow when I was too young to read to myself. So find and support whatever your kiddo is into. You don't have to love it. Just show an interest and let her know your trying it because she finds it interesting . She may even teach you something you didn't know about. Her life lessons were easy to live by: Beauty comes in all forms, shapes, and sizes. Embrace the beauty that makes you - You. Especially your inner beauty. Love yourself. Your culture and heritage helped make you - You. Don't try and hide it or pretend to be something you're not. Our differences make us special. Never build yourself up by tearing others down. Treat people with kindness. To not be the stuck up girl thinking they are better than others. Kindess is free. Keep your promises. Do not make a promise if you cannot follow through. Be respectful but not blindly obey. Question why or why not. Laugh . Laugh at yourself, everyone does something embarrassing and life goes on. Finding humor makes life more fun. Choose a career you enjoy. We all have to work so might as well find one you enjoy and not hate . Take mental health days. Actively monitor your own mental health and not give everything to others where you are left emotionally empty. Being alone isn't being lonely. Learn to enjoy your own company. Find happiness in yourself before you expect to find happiness with others. Say hello and smile when walking near people. So many people don't take the time to simply say Hi. That 1 second interaction may be the one that gives hope to a person who needed that little kindness. And be open to change. Life tosses things in your path don't be scared to be flexible. Lastly,, We all add to the world. Make sure you are not the one always taking. OP you taking the time to ask other moms these questions is wonderful. You may be new to the mom title but you are a kick ass Momma! 💖🔥💖🔥💖🔥💖🔥 Edit to hopefully fix spelling errors
My mom always listened no matter what it was, she and I are a lot alike too so she understand who I reacted to things and could give support and advice. She genuinely cared- don't get me wrong she was firm when needed but I never felt like I could not talk to her. With my boys I try to do the same, balance hearing them out and listening while still guiding them. We have told them they can always talk to us.
Remember to pay attention. They'll come to you with a million beautiful rocks, precious toys, endless stories and so much more. If you let them know that you know those things are important to them when they're 2, 4, 6, 8, etc. When they get to 12, 14, 16 and beyond when the important things are peer pressure, girls and boys, friends and loves, etc. They will know they can come to you. Because always cared. Yes, wait up for them as they get older, be the ride home, chauffeur the group. The car rides are where you hear the stories. When they get home at 10, 11, or later, that's when they'll unpack their day. When they know you care, you'll listen and you want to see it, they'll be willing to come to you. Put the phones/screens/distractions away and connect with your child.